Oh, this is an advertisement, this is an advert for now, TV, Sky Cinema and Entertainment Pass, where you can stream the latest blockbusters, Christmas classics, an award winning box sets with no TV this December. Do you want a seven day free trial there? Well, you can have it so for the month of December now, TV, or after adding a plethora of, like, nostalgic Christmas content to consume for the month of December, and I'm talking like Miracle on 34th Street and trading places, Sleepless in Seattle, you know, it's like I don't know what Miracle on 34th Street is about.

I can't remember if you said to me what happens in that film? I don't know. I've seen it hundreds of times. I've seen it loads. What I can tell you is that it gives me a certain feeling. It gives me a feeling of warm comfort.

American Christmas that was sold to me as a child by American films. And that makes me feel good. That's all I can tell you. Sleepless in Seattle. I don't know what Sleepless in Seattle is about. I've seen it loads. Tom Hanks is in it. That is it does Tom Hanks discovered the Internet and I don't know why not, but I know I'm going to be watching Sleepless in Seattle when it's freezing cold outside and it's dark. And I'm going to try on Sleepless in Seattle, not because I want to know what happens.

I don't care. I want that feeling. I want to inject myself with childhood nostalgia, Christmas feeling, whatever the name for the childhood nostalgia, Christmas feeling. America in the 80s and early 90s managed to package this this specific American version of Christmas, which I think was based on. There was an illustrator called Norman Rockwell in the 1930s after after World War Two. And he used to draw these illustrations of America, which portrayed the American consumerism and excess, you know, the full plate, the full table.

So these films do that. They it's not like I grew up with Irish Christmas.

Irish Christmas is nothing like the American Christmas that was sold to us in the cinema when we were kids. Absolutely nothing like it. But I want to inject myself with that nostalgia to relieve myself of my current adult woes of paying bills and getting old. I want I want to inject into my neck Miracle on 34th Street to temporarily relieve myself of existential anxiety. The NSW, that's what these films do. That's what they're for. We are children of this particular brand of American Christmas propaganda and we must suck at it.

We must suck at the teeth of this propaganda as adults for the last drops of comfort. Join me, join me, you do it as well. All right, just search for now TV look for the Sky Cinema, parts of the entertainment pass and get your get your seven day free trial. Now. Greetings, you fuzzy husbands, and welcome to The Blind Bye podcast. If you're a brand new listener, and I'm guessing we've got a few brand new listeners because of the podcast last week with the wonderful, lovely Hozier.

What a what a gentle, lovely country, what a tremendous man. I really enjoyed talking the whole series. Is it just a lovely chap, but if you're a new listener, if you're a Yank, if you're a Yank and you're wondering why I just called, holds your account. Kont is a term of endearment in Ireland, so that's actually a compliment. I wasn't disparaging him. He's a magnificent cunt. But anyway, if you're a brand new listener, I always advise to go back and listen to some previous podcasts.

Right. We've got hundreds. Do we have hundreds of podcasts? We fucking Domen, what, about 170 or something? There's loads of podcasts, OK, about psychology, about art, about music going on. One of them go back to the start and enjoy some of them rather than starting right now. OK. If you're if you're one of the regular listeners, lads, if you're someone who's been here, always listening. If you're a Heaven-Sent Kevin, if you're gasping Frances, then you know the crack welcome, you're always welcome.

OK. And this week, this week's podcast is actually going to be short, I never you know, I have this feeling of being apologetic because I'm doing a podcast, but loads of podcasts are like. Not a foot like I usually do between an hour and 90 minutes. There's loads of podcasts out there that are like a half an hour long. And so maybe I shouldn't be so apologetic that this week I'm putting out I'm putting out a short podcast this week because I've just had an incredibly busy week, lads, and kind of I suppose it's been busy because of preparing for what's next year called 2021.

2021, that sounds like a weird year to say, isn't this doesn't sound like the 2020, I can deal with that man. I've been thinking about 2020 20/20 vision when I was in. In leaving cert, we had a book called 20/20 Vision 2020, one that's a strange one for me to get my head around going into 2021, but I've been prepping for 2021 because. And I've been busy this week planning shit for 2021, and this has greatly distracted me, so I don't want to I don't want to pretend and try and do a half assed podcast out of my out of my arse.

You know, I want to do this fucking podcast. This this is what I'm envious of. Other Irish podcasts where the podcast is basically. Two or three people simply talking about things where someone says, have you heard about this? Yes, I did. What did you think of that? Ha ha ha ha. And there's your podcast. But I'm I'm a silly boy and I like to do monologue fucking and heartache essays. Let's which required days of planning and writing to get them right.

So this week I just didn't have time. I didn't have the time to fully formulate one and I don't want to pretend and put it out of my hole. So you're going to kind of get a little bit of a short podcast this week. But I do have I have I have tricks up my sleeve for an event like this. I have tricks up my sleeve and you won't be disappointed. All right. And I'll be back next week to give you Christmas cuddles and have some Christmas carols planned for next week, whatever that is, mind cuddles, I have a festive drink suggestion free last year to give you a recipe for mulled wine and make.

I had this drink over in Toronto, I'd finished a gig in Toronto and this this this lad was at the gig, was a fella from Glasgow, and he owned a tea house in Toronto. And he came to us after the gig and said last year, will you come to my house for a bit of crack? So we said yes. So we all headed to this tea house. It was called the Bam Party House, which I think in Glasgow means Mad Bastard Tea House.

And he gave us this tea, which is basically we'd call it a child at. But it's not like a Starbucks chai latte where you make it out of like a mix, so make yourself chai masala, as it's known, we call it chai tea, but that's ridiculous. If an Indian person heard that, they'd go, why are you calling the tea? Because chai means tea in India, chai masala, black tea with masala, which is spices, usually like cardamom, cinnamon, star anise.

You can get a chai masala blend chai masala tea bag. So make chai tea. I did this, I just did it, I said I wouldn't do it, I did it make Chai Messala tea, I did it again. I just said t t make chai masala. All right, make it really milky and really sweet with milk and sugar, so you have chicken masala that's milky and sweet and then just add a shot of Jamieson or bourbon to us.

So it's sweet milky chai masala with bourbon or Jamison. It's fucking amazing the way that. The whiskey works with the cardamom and the cinnamon, it just pops off, it pops off and creates a new drink that's a match made in heaven. It's like Baileys for the hipster hipster Baileys. That's what it is. But yeah, I've been planning my 20 21. Because in the industry, I mean, everyone's kind of hoping the 2021 will be somewhat normal.

So I'm going to start writing my new book. For me, like, I'm really looking forward to that. All right, I'm going to start writing my new book, so I'm planning for that. But I want to be able to leave my house to write. At the very least. I like going to cafes. I like being in public places to write. Trying to write short stories or fiction in my studio is difficult because I just like to look at the the backs of people's heads.

You know, if I'm sitting down with my laptop right now in a cafe and there's human movement and people to watch, then I can never have writer's block. Because if I get block, I just I look at a man's hand and start writing about his hands and before I know what I'm writing them create. And I've been very busy. But you know what is. Well, let's. A friend, a friend of mine died this week and.

It's just a bit of a shock, you know, and it's taken. Like I am, I'm very busy, but also for a friend died. And it's been a bit of a. I just you know, when you're processing, it's just processing process and death and the weirdness of processing death in coronavirus where. I can't go to a funeral, I can't you know what I mean? It's a strange process indebting coronaviruses. Strange boss. Someone who I worked with for years, his name was David Johnson, and it feels strange saying was.

David Johnson died this week, he was 60 and he is he's a comedy producer, he's alive. He was alive. Theater producer, OK, based in London, and he was a legend, a fucking legend. He was also he you know, he looked after Stewart Lee, did a lot of work with Stephen Fry. He his death is considered like the end of an era in Soho in the West End in London.

He was known as a as a theatre and comedy producer in Soho and Edinburgh with a career lasting about 35 years, you know, a real fuckin legend. And he died this week. And I just found out about it and. I'm just processing that, I'm processing that, and I'm very, very sad over it, and how do I explain the importance? Of David Johnson. So, as you know, most who listen to this podcast know that I started my career in the rubber bands, which was music, music, hip hop comedy, whatever you want to call it, satire and.

Ten years ago, we had a particularly big song called Hearts Outside, which changed my fucking career, that that when it happened, it was like, wow, now I can I mean, I'm in a different league now. I can be a professional entertainer. Now, this is this is the moment that if I run with this, I can be a professional entertainer. But you'll also know that I don't look back on South Side particularly fondly that period because.

It was the height of the recession in Ireland, which was a very dark, but that was quite fucking dark, right. So. We have this huge song everyone in Ireland is listening to what it's massive, it's all over the radio and you can't make money from that. Like how much I got paid 250 euros from Artie for doing Haaz. That's like two hundred and fifty euros, 500 in total split between me and Mr. Chrom. RCA didn't like monetize the YouTube channel.

So outside 20 million views, but none of those views monetized into money. So when you have a song back then, the only way you can earn from it is, OK, you got to do a tour, you got to do gigs. Right. But like it was the recession. I'm talking bad recession, so it was really hard to do gigs like. A lot of the young people were literally gone. They had left and gone to Australia seriously.

So when we tried to do our Irish tour of hearts outside, this would have been 2011. When you're talking going to places like like Mullingar or Leitrim or somewhere like that, trying to trying to earn your money, doing as many gigs as possible off the back of having a good song. The young people were gone and the young people that were left didn't really have a lot of money because no one had any jobs because the jobs didn't exist. So the only gigs that we had available, they weren't like rubber band.

It's gigs where it's like we're in Mullingar on Friday nights, pay 15 euro for a ticket to come and see us. It wasn't that we couldn't do those gigs. The recession was too bad. So the only gigs that were available to us weren't nightclub tours. Right. And that's not crack. I didn't know I was too young. I was way too young. I didn't know. But basically the gigs that we were doing were.

You turn up to you turn up to a nightclub. People aren't there to see people out there to go to the nightclub. Now, some people might be there to see you, but they're paying their five euros into the nightclub. And it just so happens that on that night, the rubber bands are there as entertainment. So we were doing all these gigs up and down the country. But the problem with that is. Maybe only 50 percent of the audience want to see.

So everyone's there in the nightclub and in kind of a shady mood in general because the recession was so bad. They're enjoying the Reanna at half 11, then Reanna stops and these two pricks from Limerick put bags in their heads, come out to sing a song about a horse, and that means that 50 percent of the audience fucking hate you. So we have to do these gigs where you've got some people going, this is brilliant. But then a lot of people are going, get off the stage, fuck you thrown bottles at us.

Now, I know you might be thinking poor blind by. Poor blind boy, in your early 20s, you had to go into a store and do a lot of gigs and you're right, you're right. Like there was a lot of crack as well. And like, if it wasn't for if it wasn't for hard so tight in that door, I'd just had to move to Australia with my friends are to move to Australia or Canada. And I'd still be there right now.

And I probably never have gotten to become a professional artist. So I'm fully aware of how brilliant and how lucky I was for that. But I'm also a human being and I'm a human being. And I like it when people like me and I don't like it when people don't like me. So having to gig three or four times a week for 50 percent of the audience are screaming that they are throwing things at you. That's deeply unpleasant. That's really unpleasant over a sustained period of time.

That cancels out the fun part, you know what I mean? Because I'm a human, it cancels out the fun part and. It becomes it becomes traumatic after a while, I you know, I was waking up and terrors because it's like, oh fuck the back gig last night in Tullamore where the person was screaming at us from the front row telling us to get off stage enough that it sticks with you. And it's deeply unpleasant. And we did a full tour of that.

And it was horrible. It was fucking awful. It really wasn't pleasant. It wasn't a pleasant thing to do. And after a lot of that, it also it has a detrimental effect on. On my self-esteem, it had a bad effect on my self-esteem and I had a bad effect on my ability to create, I didn't want to write songs. I didn't want to do anything like that because it's like, why would I want to create songs when you're doing these gigs where 50 percent of the audience are throwing things at you?

We ended up doing a gig in London, whatever the fuck it was, we went over it because of the Irish people had left to go to London. So we went over and did a gig in London.

And this man, David Johnson, who was a very, very experienced producer in the West End in London, had seen our show. And he came up to us afterwards and said. I think what you're doing is fantastic, I want to. I want to put Ian in Soho Theatre for 30 nights, and we are like, what you want to put us on for 30 nights in London? Are you fucking mad? And he's like, Yeah. We're going to do it and I'm going to make sure it sells out.

So we were like, well, fuck him, and we've got literally got nothing to lose this this business of doing gigs in Ireland where people are throwing bottles at you. Anything's got got to be better than this. Let's risk it. Not thinking it would sell it, sell anything. And he said, I'm going to take the gig, the gig that you're doing the gigs, which is always just going up doing songs. We're going to take that and turn that gig into a theater show.

All right, it's not going to be a gig. It's going to be a theater show. So it's going to have songs and it's going to have an overall story and all of this. And he kind of showed us the ropes of how to do it. He used his clout and his influence and his brand to get us into Soho theater, which was a really fucking cool West End space that we couldn't just walk into. He. Was just this incredibly kind, generous, lovely person who lost money.

That's the thing as well, like. So we were doing 30 nights in Soho theatre and we were setting it out, but the thing is, that's really expensive to do and he was putting us up in really lovely apartments in like Oxford Street and just making sure that more than anything, we were having this amazing, lovely time and that we were comfortable and we call them Daae, which is the Irish for David. And that's the highest that's the highest honour an Irish person can bestow on an English person is to refer to them by their name in Irish.

He be he'd be like taking us into the fucking the Groucho club, which is like this really exclusive, like famous person club in London. He'd be taken into the Groucho club. I'd be there doing shots beside Jude Law. I ended up gatecrashing Harry Styles 21st birthday. Fuck am I doing it? Harry Styles, 21st birthday, the mean and David Johnson be there sitting back, roar and laughing, looking at us. And he'd just be picking up the tab every night.

Probably totally record for us to be getting shitfaced and just just doing it to be sound, just doing it because he's like your artists and I believe in your fuckin art. And I don't care what this costs and what the whole experience did for my my self-esteem, my confidence, my belief in my work was phenomenal, was fucking phenomenal. And you don't realize it at the time. But I realize that now, looking back, he was losing money from doing it and he didn't care because he was just like, I think what you're doing is really, really good and I believe in it.

And my current agent that I have in the UK, he introduced me to that agent also as well, because he was such a sound, lovely person that then trickles down to everyone who he chooses to have work for him. So his entire team would just these lovely, lovely people. And as well, like this is something, again, I kind of took for granted at the time. But now looking back, I realised how important it was.

He a huge amount of his team was made up of of women and. Entertainment space is like theater and comedy world tend to be very heavily male dominated, and the space is because they're male dominated, tend to be quite toxic. But under David Johnson's team, like my mentor manager was a woman, my stage manager was a woman. I had this lovely, inclusive space where the festering toxicity that often occurs when it's just a lot of men like I got to learn, no, that's not normal.

Just because that's common, that's not the best way to do things. Your team should be inclusive. It's just so I'm realizing this week how much of. Where I am right now, right in terms of the industry, I work in work that I get my confidence, my confidence to go over to the U.K., my fucking BBC series, all that stuff. How important David Johnson was for giving me tools and skills. To navigate my current job and I might be I might and still be doing it if it wasn't for meeting someone like him who truly changed my career and taught me things.

And like I said to when I said we were doing those those hard outside gigs in Ireland where you've got an audience that are hostile and I'm not blaming the audience. You're you're doing these folk. You're landing in someone's nightclub and they're not there to see you. So what do you expect? Not everyone's going to like you, but in Soho with those gigs that David Johnson put on. He used his contacts, people were coming to the gigs were curiosity and respect there to see a show and let like these London people that were coming to our earlier gigs like these were artists and journalists and theatre people and actors like they weren't coming to like, let's go see these two lads from Ireland with plastic bags in their heads who were singing songs.

That's not why they were common initially. They were common because David Johnson has a new show on and it's these two lads from Ireland with plastic bags in their heads. And if David Johnson is putting it on, then it's good. All right. And we're going to give it a shot. Do you know what I mean? That's what he did then the work, the work then gets better, because when you're gigging in a nightclub in Leitrim and 50 percent of the people don't want you there, what you have to do is you have to go for bass humor.

You have to be all Willy Bomford. Tait's funny. That's the you have to go bass in order to the lowest hanging fruit. And that's how you appease people who aren't there to see you. But when it's an audience that are there to see you and they're willing to listen and put in the effort, you don't have to be tit's Willy Bomford anymore than you can do things that are a little bit more challenging or a bit more clever, or you can leave silence, you can leave space.

That's where you can you can do a song like opera. And people are listening for the satire or a song like Spastic Hawk, you know what I mean? And then for me as a performer, then that's enjoyable because it's like, all right, I'm performing for an audience who genuinely like what I'm doing. Now, you've got a feedback loop. And that then improves my creativity. Like like we ended up doing Shakespeare's Globe Theater under David Johnson.

He set us up. He set us up with those shows, those Soho theater shows in about 2013, which did brilliantly. Then it took us up to the fucking Edinburgh Fringe Festival and said, you're going to do this in the Edinburgh Fringe like a theatre show. We came away with an award fucking most original comedians at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. And then we did Shakespeare's Globe Theatre, where the first ever entertainment actor gig, Shakespeare's Globe Theatre. We did two nights.

That was I think that that was really proud for him. He he framed he got the poster, big poster of rubberband. It's in Shakespeare's Globe Theater and had it framed and had it in his hallway. That was some fucking crack. We brought over about nine of our friends dressed him up as the IRA we were doing up there in Shakespeare's Globe Theater under candlelight wax dripping on our bags. He opened up all those doors. He opened up confidence in both of us as performers.

And I suppose it's just like I'm fucking second that here I am saying this shit on a fucking podcast. To someone who who died suddenly, that that's that's it, you know what I mean? Instead of I'm sure I told him he was class many a time for a piss drunk at 2:00 in the morning. But I Jesus Christ, I'd love to just be sitting across from him and saying to him, I'm doing really fucking well right now and I need you to know how important you are in helping me get that fucking place.

And it's just a weird feeling when that person is gone, you know, and when they're gone suddenly. And I suppose I've been processing that all week. And. Process and guilt process and guilt around it because. Things move so quickly. With the job, I mean, that's I look back at the ten years and you failed to take stock and look at the people that are really helping you, you know. You just kind of go, oh, it's going well, ups and downs and you don't go.

Hold on a second. This person here, this person here didn't have to do this and they're doing it. You know, and you need to pause and you need to show gratitude and show empathy and chill the fuck out, and for me what I'm what I'm now kind of working on a meditation on. And this is a general attitude I have around. I need any type of bereavement when a person who's had an impact on you when they die.

The way to the way for me, like they're gone, David Johnson's gun, but the way for me to give meaning, to give meaning and compassion to. The relationship that we had as working together as friends, the way for me to give that meaning is for me to take the positive things that he did for me. Such as? Give me a boost up believing in the work, encouraging news in his position and influence to help my career.

The way I pay respect that relationship is for me then to try and do that to other artists that I see coming up, you know, to remind myself, what can I do to help that person? What can I do to boost this person? Was how can I help people? And then that's that's rippling. That's what that's what rippling is. It's just because a person is dead and they're not physically here. Their actions and the positive that their actions and influence that they have on the people that they knew when they were alive, those people can take those experiences and then apply them to their lives.

And then the person never really dies. They ripple on in other people. The positivity ripples on, you know what I mean? And that's my that's my kind of existential view towards any bereavement because I'm not an afterlife type of person. You know what I mean, and I don't think David Johnson was an afterlife type of person, but I surely did a lovely little obituary for him this week. And Marty pointed out that like like David Johnson is he's the last of a line of like Soho legends like Soho in London is a legendary place.

That I did a podcast before on the history of it, but it's its place in importance for entertainment internationally is massive and David Johnson was a huge part of that. And so now is physically changing. It's not that place anymore. It's just absorbing into this kind of faceless London vibe it's being.

Gentrified, I suppose you call it a corporately gentrified. That's what's happened in Soho and shortly said that's David Johnson's passing kind of reflects it reflects that end of an era for Soho, you know, so that's what I'm processing next week. That's what I'm processing this week. It's a big one and it's hard to. I can't go to a funeral. London's on lockdown. And for someone like him. He he would have the type of debt that will be, you know, to be a big celebration, huge, big party, huge big party that can't happen, which is really sad.

I can't head over to London and go on a mad one with all of the people that know him. And hopefully it will happen when we can, but. It's just odd, it's it's an odd feeling that I'm trying to process at home here in Limerick, so in lieu of a big giant hot take. This week, in lieu of that, what I'm going to do is, is after the Ocarina Paw's. As a little treat, I'm going to play for you a short story, a short story from my first book, The Gospel, according to Blind by AM, I'm going to play that V.

It's a little recording of that. First, let's have the ocarina pause and then we'll get into the story. So here's the ocarina. This is this is there's going to be an advert digitally inserted here. I don't want to surprise. All right. It's going to be an advert inserted. So I'm going to play my Spanish clay whistle. One thing is certain, we all need something to look forward to. So why not give your loved ones the gift of a night away with a gift voucher for one of Ireland's amazing accommodation options?

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And I told the history of how Ireland had been deforested over the years as a result of British colonial rule like Oliver Cromwell cleared a lot of forests. Go back and listen to Chalky Garlan if you want to hear more about that. But anyway, Wolfgang ah, an Irish company, and they're one of the first people to ever sponsor this podcast at the start. And they decided to start this new initiative, this social enterprise, to begin planting native broadly forests in Ireland.

Right. And any profits made go back into planting more trees. It's a social enterprise with ethics and compassion at its core. In Ireland, planting trees is a radical act of decolonization because our forests were removed because of colonization. So with Wolfgang Reforest, you can gift a planted native Irish tree this Christmas, its 20 year old palm tree planted and they're planted in land in Wicklow acquired by Wolfgang, which was once the great orchids of Shillelagh. And your giftee would get a start and a season of video update on how the forest is growing.

What makes me most excited about this is that they're planting native Irish broadleaf trees. OK, last year the Irish government announced they were planting a big load of trees and then and everyone was happy. And then when you looked into it, it turns out that the tree that they were planting were Sitka spruce, which are not native pine trees, and they're harmful to biodiversity. But Wolfgang Rainforest is planting native Irish trees, which benefit biodiversity and its reforestation.

It's reforesting a region which improves rivers, it improves soils, it improves insects, it improves pollinators. I'm very excited about this project. They're using a method known as the Milwaukee Method of Forestry, which it's a Japanese method, right. And it promises rapidly growing woods. Last year, Wolfgang Reforest Rice planted Ireland's first Milwaukie Method Forest. And one year after planting trees, which were expected to grow to a maximum of three feet in a year, grow up to eight feet tall.

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So all the profits go back into planting more trees and. Go listen to my podcast called Chuckie Garlan, if you want to hear about biodiversity, how our woods were removed through colonization over the years, and why we should be replanting trees as an act of decolonization. All right. So you would have heard an advert for something there and this podcast is supported by you, the listener, via the patrie on page Patreon dot com forward slash the Blind by podcast.

Making this podcast is my full time job, I adore. I fucking love it. I love every second of mechanist. I love. I love making it for you because I know that you appreciate it and we enjoy it, and if you're listening to it, it's because you made a conscious choice to listen to it. It's not like on the radio. I love doing it, but it is my full time job and it's a lot of work.

So this podcast exists because it's funded by the listeners, right? It's funded by it's an independent podcast. And so all I'm asking is if you're enjoying the podcast, if you're listening to a lot of the episodes of us, just consider paying me for the work that I'm doing so far for podcasts amont, which is the equivalent of about five hours of content. All I'm looking for is the equivalent of a price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month.

That's it. Price of a pint or a cup of coffee once a month. And you can pay that at Patreon dot com forward, slash the blind by podcast. This also gives me full editorial control. I do have the occasional advertiser on the podcast, but I'm not beholden to them. They advertise here on my terms. Ultimately, I can tell him to fuck off, no one tells me what to do. This podcast is funded by the listener for the listener, so called the Patriot dot com forward, slash the blind by podcast.

And if you can afford it, give me the price of a pint or a cup of coffee, please. If you can't afford it, you don't have to. You don't have to. If you can afford it, you are paying for the person who can't afford to listen. Everyone gets a podcast. I earn a living fuck and perfect, fucking perfect, beautiful model that's based on compassion and soundness class. Also, like the podcast shares word of mouth, we just had 25 million listeners last week.

You don't see any complaint by podcast billboards, that's all because of Werdum outlets. So thank you so much for that catch me on Twitch three times a week, three times a week on Twitch, three times a week on Twitch, three times a week at. I'm on Twitch three times a week, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday at about half eight, I'm doing a never ending live musical to a video game. Last week I was playing cyberpunk 2077.

I think you're going to have a crack at it again this week. It's very glitchy. It's called crack to make music to. So you can come online, you can chat to me, you can chat to me online life on Twitch. So do that. God bless. All right. What I am going to show you this week is a special little treat because I didn't have time to prepare. I'm going to. Play, I say play because it's prerecorded, it's a reading of a short story from my first collection of short stories, the gospel according to Blain by I write and it's a story.

It's a short story. But I love it, I really, really enjoy it, I enjoy this one, I really, really do. It's called crack. Also, it's not just a short story. It's a short story when you read it in the book also as well, look, it's Christmas. I consider buying one of my books of short stories, the gospel according to Blown By and Boulevard Rain and other stories. There are two books of short stories, fiction that I've written over the past three years, and they're available to buy online or in shops.

So please consider doing that. Actually, if you want to get a gift for somebody who listens to this podcast, I have no official march. So if you see blind by March out there, that's someone doing counterfeit March and I don't receive any money from it. So if you want to buy someone an authentic present, if they listen to this podcast, get them one of my books, my two books or short stories. But this short story anyway.

It's not just a short story here, because what I did is I also composed music for it and I read it in. This is almost like a like a like a Tom Waits style monologue that's almost at that's how I read this one. It's yes, it's my short story, but I've reimagined it with a kind of a musical cadence. And then I, I made a piece of music underneath it. So it's something. No, no, I suppose musical prose.

Sometimes I write short stories as if they're songs, you know, but the name of it is Rehr Karki, which is Irish Celgar for Kings of Cark. All right. So please enjoy. Chapter 10, Rehr Karki. We were both staring in the window of the jeweller's. Looking at the glass feather earring we tossed for. I won, I bought the feather air in my ear wasn't pierced. So Kiran did it for me with a Stanley knife and a lighter.

We both had our savage denim jackets on. Fuck the world. We looked like Rod Stewart.

Rori Gallagher was gigging in the week and we had something big planned. We were going to poison them skinny, and then both of us were going to wear his skin on stage, we'd be legends and Karkh, we couldn't wait to do it. But he was playing in the Opera House for the big homecoming gig. Rory is someone we listen to the albums non-stop, calling out Tatto stage struck, top priority. The last we worshiped, we made our own.

Rory got our patches out of car and sold them into the back of our denim jackets where I'd want to draw myself into a bit of beige fabric, a drum with a marker. He'd a fine grin on his face and he was playing the guitar.

But instead of strings, it was a few lovely Fanis and he was fingering and they were making musical notes. It was on my shoulder coming kicked out of the English market. We had it all planned, Kiran has an uncle from Boston College who's a vet, so he robbed some Ferid pies and Pettit's of him with our seats, partnered up in the balcony like royalty up in the balcony, letting the hair down and head banging over the edge. The plan was that we'd use a slingshot and fire the ferret poison into his drink during the first song.

Then he'd take a sip out of that stuff to get pure payzant. We were roaring our planet each other non-stop, out in public and on. We had a drink we made that was a mix of turpentine and cider. We called the Cocula after white dog shit. We drink Coca-Cola and shout in other's ears down an alley off Panner, I'm skin and to get Kiran.

Then he grabbed me by the car of my jacket, scream into my face. I poisoned and Rory got a with Ferret's Pisin, Philip and the two of us. And we're wearing it and playing his guitar.

Fucking Philip and Kiran by the toe Madis Fuckers in and City. As soon as Rory played the song Cinnabar, which was about halfway through the set, everybody would go to the about. You'd need a pint after that solo, Rory would go off stage to tune up his Dobra.

He'd always do the first half electric, then the second half acoustic, and then back out with the electric guitar again at the end.

Anyway, after Sinabung, we'd rush past security. He'd be feeling the effects of the first place. At that point, Kiran would have a hammer with him and he beat that off the face.

The security lights might have rolled in a headlock that I take out the Stanley and make long cuts from the side of his head all the way down each side of it.

I'd have Polisar took me to Europe, the sword thing under the skin, and it pulls away from the flesh.

We practiced it on goats and horses up in Blackpool one night.

We both skin the ghost, then drank a lot of cocobolo and fucking terrorised everyone up at Patrick Street dressed as a goth, running up off a woman from Montana, shouting, shoving our Gorton's into her arms and making her scream up and down. Panicked. I was at the front of the glass and Kiran was at the back. We were drinking Tarcoola under the goatskin. We fucking destroy Patrick Street by people were climbing up stop signs, scared for their lives, thinking that that was a mad God who smelled like cider and turpentine, trying to kill them and panicked.

A guard came down to try and bare to go out with a truncheon. But then he looked and saw that the girl was wearing four dark markets and not the regular God shows that they have hooves by the guy got pure white was when he saw that it was two lads dressed as a god. So we ran off, jumped into the lake and we swam for us and all the blood from the goats get washed off our denim fucking mad Langer's. We always wore full denim head to toe, both of us identical then.

So anyway, after I'd have already skinned, I'd peel off the skin and then we both claim inciters.

The whole thing would take ten minutes. No one and in the audience would be wise, sweet, step out on the stage of the auditorium and start playing the dobro inside. Rory got everyone cheering, clapping, headbanging. I control the neck of the guitar and Kiran would handle the strumming. We did it before the horse. We skinned the horse in the garage in McCarton Street and then we both climbed inside this game and marched down to pan again inside a horse.

And we bought playing blows on one guitar.

Everyone in Palo Alto are on the floor looking at a horse, trotting down the road, being playing by fours, blows on a guitar.

Someone spotted that the horse was Gary Tuchman's Aguinaldo. They got white and we got attacked by Bass from Toha. We pushed hard enough and I fought the boys with the guitar and Kiran had about a spinal cord, but it's trauma center and it stuck in his eye.

We ran off. Bonning wrote, We got our songs and went up the side of a house after drinking Cocobolo.

I came down here on shoulder and I started banging on the four story window of the house and there was a businessman in pain in the neck, I banged on his window and I shouted, He's going to prison, Rory to and I'm going to skin him and we're going to wear. All the men started crying.

Most nights we'd get married on Kaikoura, and if we hadn't skin something, we'd jump on each other's backs and joyrider on the roads, taking turns, joyriding each other.

The guards left us alone. They were scared of us. We were the kings of cock. Then we'd find manholes jump up and down on the. Megalodon is banging out shows of every man hall in Cork City. We climb down chimneys as well. We climb down chimneys and get our denim covered in search. And then we'd go into the living rooms of houses when people were all asleep.

And we'd roll around together on the couch and get black sewed on all over the coaches. And we'd whisper not so much that it would wake anyone up with each other. And what kind of we're going to skinny, I'm going to wear a skinniness cake. We'd exit through the front window and leave fingerprints everywhere because the sergeant wouldn't dare knock on our door about it. And we were best friends. We go to a cafe and get a pot of tea, pour boiling hot tea into our mouths, spitting at each other to boiling hot pots, a table.

And no one would touch us because they knew well that we were the kings of cock and nice. We could come back to that cafe as a horse with a guitar and it would stay with them in their dreams forever.

When you're drinking koala, you have to keep it down and off the side or on the top of the top of each other. So you get a mad buzz, but if you keep it down toll, the turpentine will kill you. So we drink warm grace by we turn up at the chipper.

And the cute part did see the two of us in our denim and everyone in the chipper would back away out of respect. Gorgeous, chipper, fine fluorescent lights and marble draped on the floors, posh looking. Then we'd slam our fists on the counter and do our drum beat.

And Enzo Scarlatti, who runs the chipper, would give us a 10 pointed, a warm fat with a little and we drink from the grapes would make if you got the turpentine.

So we run out into the road and we both bend over a bend enough distance, so we didn't get any grease sick in our denim, and then we pull Cowlings up, we roll by with howl and roar like bulls.

When the puke flew out, it'd rise up from our bellies and we draw as loud as we could as it came up. And then we'd go jump on manholes with our Doc Martens, Madoff, the Cocoanut, the kings of Cark.

A guard tried to break Kiran's heart once, so he shaved his head and buried the hair on clinical beach. And we fucking hugged each other and said we'd never let a woman in between the middle of us again. The night we had the Rory's gig, we were fierce, excited, the type of excitement where you'd want to spill all the blood out of your body just to drain it into a pail and look at it swirling around and get hypnotized down into a bucket of your own blood shoved back into your body before you faint.

That was fucking killed by our Blavatsky don't place rockers in their leather and patches in the plaid shorts and denims with the long curls falling off their skulls.

Crowds parroting what they say was a crisp, nice type, and I drink out of a pint glass cold and dry for you to see your Bradken lit up by the lamplight. I tied the laces on my documents, so Kiran with head, as I was looking up, I could see him get past all of the bouncers if I compounded up slamming my docs down on the tarmac, screaming, making as much noise as possible. Do you know who he is?

You phone. He's one of the kings, a cop. I said to the bouncer, you know how I said, Kiran, I'm one of the kings of cock. The bouncer who played in the Jackin in Dublin accent, I don't give a fuck who he is and he's trying to get in here with a hammer, you know, about we started howling, beating our feet in the ground, spitting up in the sky. We come up to Dublin as a hard bike.

We run up to Dublin wearing a horse and you regret the day you turned us away.

That line would usually put any bouncer in his place, but Rory was obviously bringing his own security with foreign lands and they'd never heard of us. Didn't matter anyway because there's a cellar at the back of the Opera House and we could go in through them. So we walked away like old fuckers and went around the side street and kicked in the window. That's where we bought crawlin speech that night.

Tangie Smellers, our part, Kiran, found a light switch, but it didn't work, though. So we defeat our way around the walls with our hands until we got a door down. I noticed something on my face and I went quiet. I reached down. I grabbed like a mouse or a rat or something squirming in my fist.

So I let go. Just thought that was fucking loads of them running around the floor.

I could hear them scuttling, customising here. Kiran, pull up your socks off your denims. Kiran started panicking.

He's terrified of mice. And calm down and pull up your socks. I said I even pulled up. Oh, Christ.

Oh, Christ. Oh, Christ. He started. Oh, I can't handle this, but I'm not really with this. Philip, give it another few minutes until we find the door. I said calm down. We can't. He said I that the pattern on the ground, Kiran, was trying to ferret poison pellets on the floor to try and kill the mice, you stupid fucker. How are we supposed to shoot them in the Rhatigan hours drink?

You've given them all to the mice. I'm sorry, Philip, I can't handle this. I was fucking furious with the cunt.

The bouncer had already confiscated the hammer and this meant I'd have to skin Rory while he was able bodied. And he's a big fucker. I hadn't planned for a struggle. I was pure tonight. I reached out my hand. I searched for Kiran's ankle and gave it a pinch. So I think it was a mouse. He let out a mighty hope when the main time I'd found the door let the light in Kieran's on the floor with blood pouring out of his covetousness.

He'd gotten such a fright from the pinch that his knee came up and met his face and he busted his own nose for it open.

So I started laughing like a lunatic. I couldn't stop. I'd never seen anything funny all my life. There's one thing the Koran hates more than mice is being left out and he grows up.

He grabbed my denim collar. He launched his teeth into my nose. He started biting down, put in, like, really put in as hard as he could. Like, he didn't, like, go. Shlock, that's the reason of the heart in my fair share. I know you would be wondering why certain, Kiran, haven't spoken in over 30 years since that night. Tell me about yourself anyway. How are you finding Corke? Have you heard or already got out in the Philippines?

She's got a fine looking woman of your age. This your first night at speed dating?

But. Or. Or. I hope you enjoyed that. That was that was my short story, the Rehr, Corke, the Kings of Cark. And I haven't actually I haven't read that story in. Well, over a fucking year, because it's on my first book, you know what, it's mad they're just just listening back to us, because when I'm writing a story like that, I don't know what it's I don't know what it's about. I'm in a state of flow, but obviously things are going to be influenced by my unconscious mind and my experiences and.

What I was saying at the start of the podcast, the about. Going over to Soho and gig and places like the Shakespeare's Globe Theater. And kind of feeling a bit of imposter syndrome. I think there's an element, there's an element of that anxiety. The anxiety there, I think was catharsis then channeled into that story, which is essentially about two fucking lads. Not feeling entitled to be in the auditorium on the stage, and the only way they can imagine doing it is skin and already Gallaher and climate inside his body.

I would imagine I would imagine that anxiety which suffocate you, yeah, I'm a performer, some of that anxiety channeled itself into that story. And found its way out in that via that medium and vehicle via the skinned body of Rory got her somehow. There you go. Look, what's the fucking story? Only awakened dream. I'll talk to you next week. All right, I'll have some some some head calls for you to be sound rubber dog, rubber case, rest in peace, David Johnson.

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