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You're listening to Comedy Central. President Trump sat down for an interview with Chris Wallace, the only reporter at Fox News who isn't trying to become the next press secretary.
And you can tell that he isn't because this was no softball interview. In fact, it was pretty much a masterclass in how not to let Trump get away with his usual bullshit. Like, you know, how Trump is always bragging about how well the United States is doing with the Corona virus. Well, here's what happened when he tried that move with Chris Wallace.
I think we have one of the lowest mortality rates in the work week. Well, we went to Mexico and we had 900 deaths on a single day. We will take this week. Ready? You can check it out. He's got me the mortality rate. Kaylee's right here. I heard we had one of the lowest, maybe the lowest mortality rate anywhere in the world. You have the numbers, please, because I heard we had the best mortality rate.
Experts say no. Number one, low mortality.
I hope you show the scenario because it shows what fake news is. OK. I don't think I in fact, those I will put out you will put our stats. You said we had the worst mortality rate in the world. Do we have to pass the side? Right.
It's a little complicated, but bear with us. We went with numbers from Johns Hopkins University, which charted the mortality rate for 20 countries hit by the virus. The U.S. ranks suburb better than the United Kingdom, but worse than Brazil and Russia. The White House went with this chart from the European CDC, which shows Italy and Spain doing worse. But countries like Brazil and South Korea are doing better. Other countries are doing better. Like Russia aren't included in the White House chart.
Oh, you see, Chris Wallace did two things right there. Trump absolutely hates. He proved them wrong and he made him do homework. And the funniest part about this to me isn't that Trump used a bullshit shot to prove that America has the best mortality rate. It's that even on a bullshit chart. It's still not true. I mean, if you just want any chart that's going to show how well you're doing. Just go all the way with it.
And that wasn't the only time Trump tried to bring receipts that he didn't actually have. Here he is attempting to prove that Joe Biden said he wants to defund the police.
They want to defund the police. And Biden wants to fund the public later. He does not. Look, he signed a charter with Bernie Sanders. I will get that one just like I was right in the mortality rate. Did you read the charter? He said nothing about defunding. Oh, really? It says abolish. It says fuck. Let's go. All right. Well, you give me the charter plane. All right. You've got to start setting through this.
He says defund the police. He says defund the police. They talk about abolishing the police. They talk about illegal aliens. Gloria, I look forward to seeing, sir. I think I'm. I'm not disagreeing with you on any of those. I'm disagreeing about defund police.
White House never sent us evidence the Bernie Biden platform calls for defunding or abolishing police because there is not.
Oh, man. I don't care how many times I watch it. It is priceless seeing Trump flying around, trying to find effect that he made up. And it actually shows you how his brain just kind of mixes up everything. He reads into one big information smoothie because clearly he read that Biden wants to abolish immigration detention. And he also read that Biden wants police reform and then his brain just mash them up into. Biden wants to abolish the police.
I kind of want to give Trump a book to read just to see how he would explain it back to me. Green Eggs and Ham is a tragic story about two eggs that want to marry a they want to get married.
They love each other. But again, another great fact check from Chris Wallace. And I gotta admit, I love Chris Wallace, the journalist. But Chris Wallace, the dad, must be a nightmare. His kids are probably coming home like.
Yeah. School is fine. You know, we just did a bunch of work. I just put my head down and worked. Well, actually, I have photo evidence here of you spending all day under the bleachers vaping while making out with Samantha. And honestly, it got to the point where Chris Wallace wasn't just fact checking Trump, he was fact shaming him, because for years now, Trump has been bragging about what a good score he got on some cognitive ability test.
And yesterday, Wallace flat out told Trump that his test score a shit in the Fox poll.
They asked people who is more competent, who's got whose mind is sounder. Ivan beats you. Well, I tell you what. Let's take a test. Let's take a test right now. Let's go down. Joe and I will take a test. Let him take the same test that I took. Incidentally, I took the test, too, when I heard that you passed it. How did you do that? Well, it's not the hardest task now, but the last picture.
And it's the last. And it's an L.A. Naida, I guess. You see, that's all misrepresenting. That's what it was on the Web. So I'll misrepresentation because, yes, the first two questions are easy, but I'll bet you couldn't even answer the last five questions of that. You can take it very hard. The last five.
Well, one of them was coming back from a. By 7:00. And let me tell you that you couldn't answer that, you couldn't answer. All right. What's the class? Many of the questions. I get you the test. I'd like to give it, but I guarantee you that Joe Biden could not answer those questions. OK. You and I answered all thirty five questions correctly.
Wow. Guys, this is sort of making me sad right now. Trump is trying so hard to claim he's a genius because he passed a test where you have to identify an elephant, which, let's be honest, even for Trump, is too easy. I mean, if they wanted to test Trump, they shouldn't have asked him to identify an elephant. They should have asked him to identify his second daughter. Yeah, that would have been impressive. Is it.
Is it this one? No, that's Jared, sir. OK, but I was close. Right. And also counting back from 100 by seven is super easy. Anyone can do it. One hundred ninety three.
Eighty six. You got to be a genius. And you know what, jokes aside, I actually do feel reassured that Trump passed that cognitive test because someday when terrorists threatened to kidnap the Washington Monument unless the president correctly identifies an elephant.
You know, Trump's got that should handle it. Now, one is the rhino with the long nose. Now, Wallace covered a lot of ground in this interview, but no matter the subject, Trump managed to make it weird. For instance, when Wallace asked Trump about army bases named after Confederate generals, this is what he said.
The National Defense Authorization Act. The NDAA. Yeah, you have threatened to veto it because in the bill. And this is supported by Republicans as well as Democrats that would rename Army bases named for Confederate generals.
We won two World Wars, two world wars, beautiful world wars that were vicious and horrible. And we want them out of Fort Bragg. We want to. Out of all of these wars. And now they want to throw those names away. Go to that community where Fort Bragg is in a great state. I love that state. Go to go to the community. Say, how do you like the idea of renaming Fort Bragg? And then what are we going to name it?
You got a name, but after the Reverend Al Sharpton. Okay.
I'm sorry. What two beautiful world was this dude really can objectify anything. We've had two beautiful, bankable world wars. Totally ten. That is such a dumb thing to say that they didn't even think to put something like that on the cognitive test. Should we ask people about both World Wars and see if they find them attractive or not? No, forget it. Nobody's brain is not broken. So the elephant should look like this year.
Also, how insulting is it to say that people might rename the bases off to Al Sharpton? Of course, they should rename it after Al Sharpton. Think about how terrifying that would be for enemy soldiers. I Shiza. Here comes the Al Sharpton brigade. They're going to call us out on all the racism we're going against. So come soon. This almost goes without saying. But there's a giant middle ground between naming bases after Confederate generals and naming them off to Al Sharpton.
I mean, America has had lots of non Confederate generals, and Trump should know that he's fired a lot of them. I mean, you can make any problems sound ridiculous if you pretend Al Sharpton is the only solution. President Trump, we need universal health care. Who's going to be your doctor? Al Sharpton. But here's the thing.
As incredible as it was to see Trump face a real interviewer, nothing Wallace says is going to convince Trump that he's wrong about anything. Because as Trump showed, even when he is already being proven wrong, he still insists that eventually he's gonna be right.
Dr. Fouche, you at the beginning said this will pass. Don't worry about it. This will pass. He was wrong. But you made mistakes, too. I guess everybody. I was going to say you said at one point.
I think we're gonna be very good with the Corona virus. I think that at some point that's going to sort of just disappear.
I hope I'll be right eventually. I hope you're right. Actually, you know, I said it's going to disappear. I'll say it again. But it's not going. It is like this.
And I'll be right eventually. I'll be right. That's not how being right works. If you get the wrong answer at trivia, you can't get a point by claiming that eventually one of the answers will be Marge Simpson. But that also does expose the fundamental truth about Trump. He's much more concerned about being able to say his rights than about actually being right. If Coronavirus ends up wiping out the entire planet except for Trump, he'll be standing at a podium all by himself saying, you see folks that totally disappeared.
I was right.
Portland, Oregon, the first city to legalize marriage between a bookstore and a bike shop. Portland has now seen more than 50 straight days of Black Lives Matter protests. But over the last few days, something new has been happening, with more and more protesters facing off against heavily armed law enforcement in some very dramatic ways.
Moms gathered singing Please don't shoot me last night. But local media says federal agents again use tear gas, flash bangs and pepper balls to disperse the crowd.
Some people are calling a 53 year old Navy veteran the Superman of Portland, because of how he did not react after being hit by federal officers with batons and then tear gas.
I'm sure you've seen this woman who's been dubbed naked, Athena. She showed up at protests, very calm, very confident, wearing nothing but a face mask and a beanie. And just so you know, she's wearing courage. The police did disperse when she just sat there and showed her body.
Protesting naked. Now, that's bravery. Although are we sure being naked is part of a protest? I mean, she could just be one of those people who spent so much time in lockdown that they forgot that they have to wear clothes when they leave the house. Again, I'm sorry to everyone in that bodega. All right. I was just popping in to buy some nuts. I didn't mean for everybody to see mine. And how dopa those moms, you know, your protest is picking up steam when your mom shows up.
My Jeremy wants to fight the system because this guy is a real. A cab. Right, Jeremy? Mom, I told you I can defeat fascism by myself. God, what's behind this new wave of protests in Portland? Well, they're reacting to a recent move by the Trump administration that has put the whole city on edge. You see, for months, local officials there had been allowing peaceful demonstrations without too much interference. But President Trump was not happy about that.
So he decided to send in the feds, which led to scenes like this, a crisis unfolding in Portland, Oregon.
After a video surfaced online that showed masked and camouflaged federal agents detaining peaceful protesters. Attorney General Ellen Rosenblum says federal officers are the ones escalating the violence. She's now suing several federal agencies for actions like this.
What is going on? We need to know who are you? Fear for five is jumping out of the unmarked vans at night, grabbing people off the streets, putting them into their vans.
Man, that sounds less like democracy and more like an episode of Knuckles. Unidentified soldiers throwing protesters into an unmarked van on the streets of Portland. Like, I don't care who you are. Nothing good has ever come from an unmarked van.
It's never like flipping the bird, getting on, my friend. We're going to Disney World.
And how will people even supposed to tell the difference between being arrested and being kidnapped? Because I don't know if you've noticed this, but in America, random dudes walk around in camel gear holding guns all the time. I mean, can you tell which of these is a federal officer and which one is doing. Army man cosplay? Because I can't. So if you ask me, there's only one solution here. And that solution is that everyone should dress up and camel.
That's the only way of what's going to be safe that way when they come to arrest you and throw you in the event. You can be like, no, I'm arresting you and throwing you in my van. And then things will get so confusing that eventually you get thrown in your own van. You can just drive home. Now, if you're sitting at home wondering, why should I care about this man? It's happening in Portland. I'm not even a hipster.
Well, now, Trump says that he's planning to send these secret police to cities all across America.
So you might want to get naked and call your mom because shit's about to go down. Kanye West, hip hop superstar, and Kim Carr, Ashton's eldest child, Konya, has been promoting a new album slash presidential campaign, and it has not been going great.
Connew West is moving forward with his campaign for president.
He held a rally in Charleston, South Carolina, yesterday, arriving on stage with the year 2020, shaved into the back of his head and wearing what appeared to be a military style vest. West appeared to be putting forward policy proposals on the fly.
Everybody has a baby, gets a million dollars or something.
And at one point, he broke down into tears while describing how he was nearly aborted by his parents.
Me? Guess my dad. One of the more controversial statements of the night, though, came when he criticized abolitionist Harriet Tubman.
Well, Harriet Tubman never actually freed the slaves. Jesus had the slaves over Father, right? Yeah, we leave it right now. OK.
This is officially the weirdest hip hop beef of all time. You can go off to Harriet Tubman for not getting the slaves better jobs. What was she supposed to do, run the Underground Railroad and Lincoln?
I mean, I guess congratulations, though. Can you found a campaign hat that black people are even less likely to wear than Trump's? And honestly, guys, I don't know what to make of this. I genuinely don't know what to make of this. Well, my takeaway from this event is that Kanye West doesn't seem well, like I feel like someone who cares about him needs to take his microphone away. Although, ironically, the best person for that job is Conway.
The battle for justice in America continues every single day. But if it seems like there's no end in sight, at least there's progress on some of the smaller issues. Trader Joe's supermarket chain is under fire. It's being urged to change some of the names of its ethnic foods.
Over 1000 people have signed a petition urging the company to rename products labeled Cheater, a trader who Zis and trader John Oaks Church Joes says they have been in a years long process of repackaging products and we'll soon complete the work we did.
It's Black Lives Matter. No justice, no peace. And also rename the pasta. But look, I get why people complained about how they were branding the foods and Trader Joe's like, let's be honest, you don't have to call something trade a Mings for them to know that it's Chinese food, just like you don't have to call it trade Karens for them to know that it has pumpkin spice in it. So I am glad that they're revamping these labels.
If this is what people want. And, you know, if your company is over 60 years old, it's inevitable the branding is going to become problematic at some point. I mean, you should see what hunting arterials looked like up until last week, who they would dope. That was problematic. Now, you may be wondering what happens to all this food after it gets canceled? Like, do they just throw it away? Because, I mean, that seems like a waste.
Well, the good news is there's actually a grocery service that gives you the food you need with all of the racial insensitivity you crave.
Are you sad because your favorite problematic brands have been canceled?
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Products like Going to My Mom, Uncle Ben, build a Walnut. Tucker Carlson, nose and white chocolate. Sure, you could buy the same exact food under a different name, but you have a sophisticated palate. And, you know, food tastes better when it's making someone sad into own lives even more. All our deliveries are packaged in those plastic rings that kill turtles. So order your big basket today. Use promo code. All lives matter to get 10 percent off.
Corona virus. The only thing living its best life in 2020. Over the past 24 hours, multiple states, including Texas and Florida, reported record covered 19 fatalities. And for everyone who is asking what America is doing wrong. Well, one viral photo might offer a clue.
A tale of two countries. This picture is going viral for highlighting the difference in Koven 19 responses between the United States and Canada. At the top of your screen, a packed American tour boat at Niagara Falls carrying hundreds of people. You can see them in blue ponchos. The bottom is a Canadian one carrying just a half dozen tourists. They're the ones in red. The images show the two vessels passing each other. Earlier this month, yep.
Apparently, while Canadian boats at Niagara Falls have a passenger limit of six people. American boats just balling out. I mean, just look at how all of those Americans are packed together on that boat. I'm not even sure if that's missed from the waterfall. That could just be everyone coughing. Look, obviously, I'm joking. All right? Those people might be safe because they outdoors in the mist and the wind. I don't know. But still, this photo really is a metaphor for how differently the U.S. is treating this pandemic from all other countries.
I mean, of all the things to risk dying for, looking at a waterfall is the worst choice until there's a vaccine. Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to. I will say, though, I also feel like Canada is being a little too safe. I mean, come on, you guys are free health care, live and little. And by the way, keeping boats from being overcrowded isn't the only thing Canada is doing to stop the spread of Corona.
The CDC and the Canadian province of British Columbia just released official health guidelines telling Canadians to try using glory holes for safer sex because they say the wool stops you from breathing on each other. But the hole keeps the magic happening. And if ever there was a sign this is how, you know, coronavirus is really bad when doctors are like, OK, go stick your dick in a wall. It'll save lives. Now, look, I don't know about glory holes, but my personal advice is if you want to be real safe.
Everyone needs to have sex the same way Mike Pence does. What you do is you go in the bedroom first and then you lock the door behind you so nobody else can come in sex. Oh, and while we're on the subject, here's another tip. Guys, wear a mask over your balls, OK? It doesn't stop the virus. It's just no one wants to see a bull's eye like the bottom of a cupcake. The party's on top.
Just hide that stuff. In other news. Football is coming back. But the Washington Redskins are not effective immediately.
The former Washington Redskins will now be called the Washington football team as they continue to look for a replacement mascot. According to ESPN, this is not the final name of the team, but they needed something in place before games begin this season. A new permanent name and logo is still in the works.
I'm sorry. That is the laziest team name I have ever heard. I mean, they renamed a professional football franchise the same way you say phone numbers of people you just met. Karaoke dude with the big ears who sings strange woman from the bar idiot co-worker. Let me change that idiot co-worker Michael Costa for real guys, the Washington football team.
That doesn't sound like a professional organization. Sounds like they ran out of cash and now they can only afford the store brand version of team names. It's like when my mom couldn't buy us Cheerios, so instead she bought us OT's circles circles. Eat this in the morning. The only silver lining I can see for this name is that it's gonna be very helpful to people who don't follow the NFL. Yeah, because now when someone asks you who you're rooting for, you can be like the football team.
And then you sound like you know what you're talking about. Oh, interesting choice. You're going with the football team. Yeah, I like when they do the bowl. But let's move on now to some news that's rarely out of this world. It's about space here this morning.
It's an historic space race to Mars, the red planet. China launched its first ever mission to Mars this morning. A six wheeled robot lifted off on the long March five rocket from the island south of China's mainland. Details are top secret. China's not even releasing the rover's name. It should get there in orbit sometime in February. Right behind the rover Hope launched by the United Arab Emirates. That was on Monday. The U.S. expecting to launch its rover Perseverance from Cape Canaveral early next week.
Can have a traffic jam up there.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why is everybody trying to go to Mars? I mean, there's never been a movie on Mars that ends well. Best case scenario, you lose a ton of weight because you're on an old potato diet. Like that's it. And also, is this the best time for space exploration? Come on, scientists. I know you want to have fun, but we need you focused on the pandemic. Now is not play time.
No Mars until you finish your career. You finish your Corona scientists. You finish your call. And then you can have Mars. You look at me like that young scientist moving on to politics. Yesterday we talked about how a Republican congressman named Ted Yoho called Representative Alexandria Ocasio Cortez a bitch in the halls of the Capitol building. Well, this morning, ABC fired back with both barrels.
An extraordinary moment on the House floor just a few minutes ago. Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio Cortez talking about Republican Congressman Ted Yoho. Joy, explicative Zafrin.
I was minding my own business, walking up the steps, and Representative Yoho put his finger in my face. He called me disgusting. He called me crazy. And in front of reporters, Representative Yoho called me and I quote a gang bitch.
And I want to be clear that Representative Yoho's comments were not deeply hurtful or piercing to me because I have worked a working class job. I have waited tables in restaurants, I have ridden the subway. I have tossed men out of bars that have used language like Mr. Yoho's.
Mr. Yoho mentioned that he has a wife and two daughters. I am someone's daughter, too. And I am here because I have to show my parents that I am their daughter and that they did not raise me to accept abuse from men.
And, you know, I don't care what anybody says. I am glad AOC came out on the House floor and said exactly what that congressman said to her expletives and all, because if you only hear about the story on the news, you've probably heard them say that Yoho used a derogatory language or an offensive term or he made a decorum.
See, AOC is absolutely right. Time and time again, powerful men hide behind the fact that they have daughters as a way to shield themselves from accusations of sexism. It's almost like these dudes are out there. Gender reveal party is like, yeah, it's pink. Oh, man, I'm finally going to have a political prop to excuse my bad behavior. This is the happiest day of my life. Before we go, I just want to remind you that America is facing a nationwide poll worker shortage.
And that's because most poll workers are over 60 and corona virus is still out there. So they cannot show up. But fewer poll workers means that there are fewer polling stations open and it means there's going to be longer lines that not everybody can afford to wait in, especially in communities of color. But now here's the good news.
Most poll working is paid. Yeah, paid. And in some states, you can be as young as 16 to work. Over the past two weeks, we've partnered with Power to the Polls to ask you to be a poll worker. And over 40000 of you have already signed up. So thank you to every single one of you who are giving a time to save your granny and protect democracy. And if you haven't signed up yet and you want to make some money and just go to the link below to learn more.
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