Happy Scribe
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You're listening to Comedy Central now. This is Danny Shapiro, host of Family Secrets. Welcome to our fourth season Family Secrets. It seems just about every family has them. Some secrets are kind of small and insignificant and some are shocking and massive when they come out. Our new knowledge has the power to change our lives. Join me and our millions of listeners as we dive deep into the stories of this new season's amazing guests. Listen and subscribe on the radio app wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.

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Hey, what's going on, everybody? Welcome to the Daily Social Distancing Show. I'm Trevor Noah. Today is Thursday, the 1st of October.

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That's right, people. We made it to October one one month and we're all dead. And if you're starting to think about your Halloween costume for this year, just remember, it's 20, 20. So if you really want to scare people, you should try going at something truly terrifying, like someone who's about to sneeze.

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Anyway, on tonight's show, we figure out how to control Donald Trump's debate outburst and we talk to the one and only Mariah Carey. So let's do this, people.

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Welcome to the daily social distancing show from Trevor's couch in New York City to your couch somewhere in the world. This is the Daily Social Decency Show with no use of. Let's kick it off with Subway, the most popular place to eat after losing a custody battle. While America may love Subway, it looks like some other countries are having a hard time swallowing its subway.

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One of the most recognizable sandwich shops was told it's not even serving bread, at least according to Ireland's Supreme Court. The Irish Independent reports that subways heated sandwiches like the hot meatball sub doesn't have bread because it's too sugary. The battle has to do with a special tax in Ireland. It offers a zero tax rate for certain foods like regular bread if it meets certain requirements. Yo, are you being serious?

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According to Ireland's Supreme Court's subway, bread is not actually bread because it's too sugary.

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And I, for one, am willing to bet that Subway is very happy to have this be the big controversy. Yeah, they probably like. Yup, our bread is too sweet. That's the scandal you should think about. When you think about Subway. Make it the top search result for a subway scandal. We deserve it. Sweet bread. That's all thing to me. This ruling really just shows you that Ireland and America are dealing with very different issues right now.

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America Supreme Court is on the brink of striking down health care and abortion rights. And Ireland Supreme Courts is like, oh, this bread says a wee bit sweet. I have to look into it a bit like schler, like, do they mix up the flour with the sugar and tray cups of sugar as opposed to flour? I don't know about that.

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Moving on to some news from the animal kingdom. If you're bringing your kids to the zoo this weekend, you may need to cover. There is at the parrot's exhibits awesome.

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Foul mouthed parents at a British zoo are in big trouble for swearing at people. Five African grey parents were donated from separate owners to the Lincoln Wildlife Park within the same week. Well, the bird's corn team together. But staff said the parents were soon swearing and cussing at each other and then also with visitors who started cussing back the zoo, remove the parents from public view.

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Now, people, this is so unfair. Parrots just repeat what they hear. So if they're cursing, it's not their fault. It's the zoo keepers fault for letting them watch the presidential debates. And by the way, we hear the parents cursing because they can learn English. But you realize other animals are cursing all the time, too, right? I mean, they're all locked in prison. That's what a zoo is. And they didn't even commit any crimes.

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Every time you hear a lion roar, that's just another animal going, I want my lawyer.

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It's not murder. It's the circle of life.

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But here's what confuses me. Why is the zoo removing the parents? Are you guys insane? This sounds like by far the best zoo you could ever go to. You know where I can see a bird that doesn't curse literally anywhere. And look, I get that you want to shield the children from it. So fine. Make an adults only part of the zoo. That's where the parents can curse. Monkeys can hump each other and those dogs can gamble.

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In other news, do you guys remember President Obama? Yeah, the nice guy America was with before she got catfish. Well, for people who missed the forty four presidents of the United States, he has a way that you can keep a little piece of him with you at all times.

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Rare items that belonged to Barack and Michelle Obama are going on the auction block. The former president's number twenty three high school basketball jersey and the school's nineteen seventy nine yearbook are expected to fetch, get this, up to two hundred thousand dollars. Also for sale, a vintage black cocktail dress that Michelle Obama wore to a charity fundraiser in twenty ten. This is believed to be the only gown of hers ever to be offered in an auction. It is expected to sell for up to seventy thousand dollars.

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The separate auctions take place in December. The auction house says the Obamas did not put the items up for sale.

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OK, wait, wait, wait. Does this not seem shady to anyone else? There's an auction of Obama memorabilia, but the Obamas were not involved. I mean, does Obama even know about this? Are they like and the next item up for bidding Barack Obama's wallets and he's watching at home like, what the hell, real man. I think it's pretty ballsy selling Obama's stuff without his permission. The man has drunk people for less.

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You got to taking chances. And some of the items don't even make sense. Like, why does anyone want Obama's old basketball jersey? He wasn't in the NBA. That's like paying thousands of dollars for live runs, high school history tests. That's not why he's famous. Although I will say this. Having Obama's yearbook could be pretty cool.

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You know, might be a nice change of pace to look through a public figures old yearbook for fun instead of evidence. But I guess this is life. People are willing to pay big money for this kind of stuff. And if a yearbook and some old clothes are going to sell for two hundred thousand dollars, man, the Obamas should just jump in. They should have a yard sale, then make a killing, but should just be out there in the yard like this year's record has been in the family since 2007.

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And I'm only asking ten thousand dollars for. At work, you've got to work on the thing you've got we're going to start charging, sometimes it'll shock you, but that's life. Let's move on to covid-19 the virus that's harder to get rid of than a Facebook account. Every day we're learning more and more about the virus and who is most at risk. And we all know about the elderly and people with health conditions. But now there's a new risk factor you probably hadn't thought of.

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Scientists say people who inherited genes from Neanderthal ancestors ancestors, rather, may be more susceptible to a severe case of covid-19 European study published yesterday links a higher risk of hospitalization and respiratory failure to a cluster of genes associated with the Neanderthals. Those genes are found in about 16 percent of the European population, half the population in South Asia, and is now non-existent in Africa and East Asia. Researchers are not sure why the coronavirus is impacting these gene types and say more studies are necessary.

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Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. That is crazy. People with Neanderthal genes are more likely to be affected by coronavirus.

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Honestly, guys, this is kind of embarrassing because now if you get covered, it means your great, great, great ancestor probably smashed the caveman.

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How could you Nenna? It was a different time back then. He had slier and I was cold. He asked me to come over for some cave art and chill.

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He will show Shoshoni and I don't know about you, but this was surprising for me because I didn't know that Europeans still had Neanderthal genes. And by the way, this is great news for Africans because they have none. Yeah, right now there's some dude walking around Uganda like, oh, who's the savages now? Looking at you. But right now, I know a lot of you are probably wondering whether or not you have Neanderthal genes. And there's actually a pretty easy way to tell if there's a guy behind you that looks like a monkey and a guy in front of you that looks like a human, then you, my friend, are a Neanderthal.

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It's just science. I don't make the rules. But while there's still a lot to learn about this disease, there are some things the scientists are fairly sure of right now.

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Wearing a mask helps, washing your hands helps, and most importantly, do not spend a lot of time in unsanitary, enclosed spaces with lots of other people. Unfortunately, there are still some people who really don't like listening to scientists.

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The White House has blocked a new order from the CDC to keep cruise ships docked until mid-February. The administration will instead allow the ships to sail after October 31st. The CDC says that there have been recent outbreaks of the virus on cruise ships overseas, showing the cruises continue to help spread the virus even when ships sail at reduced passenger capacity, according to Axios. Public health officials have privately complained that the thwarting of the CDC cruise ship ban is politically motivated because the industry is a major economic presence in Florida, a key battleground state where the polls are statistically tied.

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Oh hell no. We're doing cruises again. Your guys. This is one of the worst things you can do during a pandemic. Corona is going to be rolling around that ship like Jay-Z in the big pimping video.

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That's why I love him.

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Now, it almost feels like Trump is actually trying to get people infected. Now, cruises are legal again, and from now on, everyone has to cover their sneezes with another person's mouth. Actually, I don't care what anybody says. This is clearly a politically motivated decision by Donald Trump. But there must be a safer way for him to win the support of Florida voters, like one would give the Medal of Honor to people or give tax credits to anyone with exposed ass cheeks.

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I don't even understand why anyone wants to go on a cruise during Korona. It's like boarding the Titanic, knowing it's going to sink. The captain is like, I'm going to steer this thing into an iceberg. And you're like, Whatever, man. I just want to meet Leonardo DiCaprio. But you know what?

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Maybe Cruise fans are playing five D chess. Yeah. Because they know that Korona can't hurt you if the food poisoning from the seafood buffet kills you first.

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It doesn't make any sense for anybody living in America to get on a cruise ship right now, right. This country has a crazy high infection rates. We're all over eating.

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Nobody's sleeping well and we're trapped in our homes most of the day. This is a cruise, people. You're getting the experience for free. And finally, some political news after the fiasco. That was the first presidential debate.

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Americans everywhere spoke up to say, please, we cannot go through something like this ever again. And now the commission that runs the debates is taking action.

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The presidential debate commission is promising some real changes after Tuesday's face off in Cleveland. This comes amid the fallout from the first meeting between President Trump and Joe Biden that was filled with insults and lots of interruptions. Those changes could include turning off the microphone of the candidate, not answering the question, and then giving the moderator the ability to mute microphones as needed. OK, OK.

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Cutting off Trump's mic might be a good idea, but they shouldn't have told him about it in advance because knowing Trump now, he's just going to bring his own mic and a portable speaker like those guys in the subway.

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This next question is for Joe Biogen's folks in Jab, Jab, Shout, Jab. Now, I don't know if this is going to work, because even without a microphone, Trump can still find a way to be a distraction without talking in twenty sixteen. You remember he made those ridiculous faces. Yeah. He looked in the background like a T rex in a suit. And of course, who can forget his interpretive ribbon dancing. This man knows how to steal focus.

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If you ask me.

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They should leave his mic on the same way. They shouldn't ban his Twitter account because I don't want anybody making Donald Trump seem more sane than he is. Let America see who Donald Trump is open to, Mike. So, look, we'll find out soon what the big changes are going to be. But one of them has already been announced. And I don't know, guys, maybe it's because we made it, but it looks very promising.

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This guy I want to see the presidential debate commission has heard your concerns about how the last presidential debate went. Fewer interruptions.

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I'm appealing to you, sir, to do that. Well, and him, too. That's why we've made some small tweaks to the process.

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The next debates will feature stricter time limits, more moderator controls, and the president will be required to wear a muzzle got thrown out of the military and he didn't have a job until you became vice president.

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This sound dampening device has 15 pounds of reinforced concrete to reduce disruptive interruptions. We've also heard your concerns about our lack of fact checking, which is why this muzzle comes equipped with a sensor which will release helium gas. If it detects any falsehood. This is going to be a like you've never seen. And if all else fails, the muzzle will activate a voice filter that will make Donald Trump sound more presidential.

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In many cases, radical left. There is not a liberal America and a conservative America. There is the United States of America. The presidential debate. It's the next best thing to having a normal president. All right. We're going to take a quick break.

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But when we come back, Mariah Carey is on the show.

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Don't go away. Welcome back to the Daily Social Distancing Show. Earlier today, I spoke with the best selling female artist of all time, Mariah Carey. We talked about her incredible career, her new memoir and so much more. Check it out. Mariah Carey, welcome to The Daily Social Distancing Show.

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I'm glad to be here. I have to say, growing up as one of your fans, I did not think that anything could make me a bigger fan than I already was. But your memoir has the best description I heard from a friend, said it the best way. She said it turns you from a fan into an instant lamb because because we've all grown up with Mariah Carey.

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We've all, like Mariah Carey has sung the soundtrack to our lives with it's falling in love with its having our hearts broken with it celebrating Christmas. You are synonymous with the lives that we've lived, but you take for granted that a lot of people don't know you and you've written a book.

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Now, after 30 years in the industry, the first question is why now? Why would you bear something so vulnerable after all these years of being shielded? First of all, I've been wanting to work on I've been working on this book for three years, solidly for four years, and prior to that I wanted to start working on it when I was pregnant. So like 10 years ago, and I figured, oh, I have the time now, but it really happened the way it was supposed to happen.

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And I collaborated with Michaela Angela Davis, who's one of my really close friends. And I feel like we get each other on on a very specific and in many levels. But it just felt like the right time because, you know, if it is it just happening because it's happening and it was meant to happen and it was a cathartic experience. And again, that's why it took so long. I would have liked to have more time. You know, when you're working on something obviously respected and you don't have deadlines and there it is.

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But the audiobooks been my favorite part of the process because of the weaving in the lyric lyrics and the melodies and stuff like that.

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So it's some it is a vulnerable place to be. But in a way it's freeing because without question they just refer to page twenty three for whatever it's like. Just write it in.

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For many people when they read this book, they're going to learn things about Mariah Carey that they never even would have fathomed, you know, because you popped into so many of our lives as this perfectly manicured human being where everything was was in place and everything was perfect in a music video. But you've lived a tough life. You've overcome you've defied the odds. And one of the things that I don't think a lot of people realize about you is you are a master at your craft, not just of singing, but 19 number one hits and 18 of those were written by yours truly.

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Yes. And thank you for acknowledging that that's been a thing. My my true fans know that. And I think that's been I know that's been why our connection is so strong and that and other reasons, but because they're relating to the words that are very personal, not necessarily the big songs that everybody that most people know, but like the deep cuts and the ones that are featured more prominently in the book where the lyrics are woven into the story, or you'll go, oh, that's what that meant when she wrote that, you know, so the fans know.

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But the casual listeners or people that are just like, yeah, I've heard to saying, you know, whatever, they don't know. I don't know that they'll ever know. Maybe they care to know and they're watching this. They'll they'll pay attention in a different way. But it's been my release. So writing this book and working on the audio book and leaving like some singing and some music in with the stories because that's the way it's written. So it was really a great creative experience for me to be able to combine those things that I love so much.

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And obviously with these very personal stories, when you look at the stories that you shared, there's no denying that they're so personal. Some of them are truly, truly, truly heartbreaking. And I felt almost guilty not knowing this about you and claiming to be a fan. You know, you read the stories and you go like, man, I didn't know Mariah was experiencing this. And we don't you know, you just know Mariah Carey through songs on a meme or just doing a Christmas show.

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But when we go back to Mariah Carey growing up in her life, you meet a young girl who is in a world where she's told that she doesn't belong.

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Some people say that she is not black enough. Some people say that she is not white at all. And so she experiences racism specifically growing up as a child. And one of the most painful stories is where you share going to a kid's party where you thought you were going to the party. But all they did was lock you up in a room and start calling you the N-word. That that trauma, when you're sharing, it's. I would love to know how did you deal with that and how did you almost, you know, put that in the back of your mind in your life while you were entertaining the rest of us in the world?

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Well, it is one of those things that I really didn't speak about to most people because in casual conversation or in in an interview format where, you know, you've got to get to a lot of subjects when you're talking about an album or whatever. Most likely I'm not going to dig into the into my 12 year old past and be like, by the way, listen to what happened to me, like, you know what I mean? Like and I did push that that particular incident down to the point where when we were working on the book, I didn't even remember that story until further down the road.

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Like, it wasn't like, let me tell you this first story, like, you know, like I really started a lot with my ancestors and kind of exploring different aspects of what they went through and the diversity there. That's kind of like shocking to most people, because when you see the physical book, the pictures in the book, people get it a little bit more. And I know you understand what I'm saying. It really, you know, it becomes a thing where it's like, oh, and I get it now.

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But you're like, well, what the hell did you think I was talking about this whole time? But, you know, again, not everybody pays attention. But, yes, that was a very harrowing experience. I don't know that I ever felt the need to talk to anybody about it, because I don't feel like I'm the only person in the world that ever went through something traumatic. But that was very specific. And I think the reason why most people wouldn't expect it is because.

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I don't know, because of the racial ambiguity, because of whatever, but, you know, I didn't always have my hair done and makeup and clothes and nice things. I came from a place where I lived in predominantly white neighborhoods with people that had nice houses. And I'm not even going to say they were predominantly white. They were all white. And, you know, there I was to most of them, I hate to use this word, but a mongrel.

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So they really didn't have a very high opinion of me for that reason.

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Well, I think, you know, that's what that's what I think makes this book so amazing, to be honest, is it really shows us Mariah Carey is a human being. You know, I I lost in the book and then there are moments where I'm crying. There are moments where I was shocked at how much comedy you have in your life. Like you're a very funny person. You use humor even in the book to deal with some really sad situations.

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I can relate to that. But I was just like, how have you been hiding Mariah Carey, the comedian from us? Is that is there a big part of your life that is that is either dedicated or soothed by laughter because it felt like that in the book?

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Absolutely. Yes, I definitely go to the place of humor as opposed to like, oh, I'm so sad and crying and depressed, like that's why labels on people and oh, you're this and you're that or whatever. Like, I don't it's hard, you know, that it's difficult. I don't have to tell you, but I just mean that. How do I express it. Yeah. I would rather laugh and cry and and so I appreciate and we were talking about Son of Patricia and just you as as an incredible comedian and such a brilliant person.

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But also I appreciate stand up and I appreciate watching you and the complexities that that, you know, I know we're supposed to talk about my book, but I have to say that that I have to say that or I would be remiss.

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Don't go away, because after the break, we'll have more with Mariah Carey.

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Welcome back to the Daily Social Distancing Show. Here's more of my interview with the legendary Mariah Carey. It feels like we're getting a lot of Mariah right now, which is great.

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We're getting the book, we're getting the audio book, and then we're getting something that I think everybody on the planet will be excited by. And that's rarities. And that is a collection of its unreleased songs. Besides, and just it feels like an extension of the book because it feels like a raw piece of Mariah Carey music that we've never heard, expression that we've never seen. You've got an exclusive. You're going to be teaming up with Lauryn Hill in one of the projects.

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And that that in of itself is just legend plus legend in a time that was music for many people was golden. Tell me a little bit about rarities and why you felt that this was the time to put that out and what you're trying to do. Well, it just so happened that I had first of all, the synergy with all of this has been, you know, I believe everything happens for a reason. But in the book I talk about winning my first award when I was 12 at Little Award and a talent show that my mother had enrolled me in against all adults.

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And I sang the song Out Here on My Own by Irene Cara. And for a kid, when I listen to it now, I'm like, Oh my gosh, I really, really felt this song like it really did feel like I was out there on my own. But we found the recording that I had done. I didn't I was going to put on an album, didn't do it anyway. I found that in my vault. And so that's that's on the rarities.

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And then I happened to have a song called Lullaby of Birdland. I was telling a story about this song that I used to sing as a little kid. And then we found this recording and that's also on the rarities. So there's so many, like you said, besides unreleased songs. But the fact that these things happen at the same time is just another thing that blows my mind about life.

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You've lived a thousand lives, Mariah Carey. I think. I think. A lot of human beings will enjoy this book because it is a human story, I think a lot of mothers and daughters will love this book because it talks about those connections and how important they need to be, how important they are, how much they need to be cherished. I think any child, any parent, I think any love of music, any black person, any person who struggled with identity, regardless of their race, will love this book.

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And before before I let you go, I mean, I could talk to you forever and all of these things, but I guess that's why you have the book before before I let you go. I would love to talk to you about the song that has become the definition of Christmas.

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It's pretty insane to have a song that is almost as famous as the holiday itself. I really wanted this question as a as a as an entertainer. We all hear that song and we like it's Christmas time. Do you hear that song and go, oh, no, people are going to want me to sing it. Or do you still have as much joy from that song as we have?

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You know, it's interesting because I know it gets played a lot and there's all different things. But it's the first Christmas song I ever wrote I talk about in the book. How? Certain people in my family ruined Christmas every year, and I always looked forward to it and I always just wanted to have the most festive fun holiday and it just represented so much for me. And they always screwed it up. And as an adult, I was able to kind of recreate what that represented.

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And so to have a song that I that I do get to hear every I have three Christmas albums, it's I'm festive. Like I pushed through sadness with being festive. And so, like, anybody who ever tries to ruin Christmas for me will not be a happy person hanging out with me on Christmas. So the answer is, I you know, I'm very thankful that I was able to write the song. And I and I do still love it.

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I do still love it because it makes me feel like the holidays are here. And that's my favorite time of year. So call me festive. Festive.

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Mariah Carey, thank you so much for joining me on the show. I hope you'll join me again. I hope everybody reads the book to get whatever they need from it, whether it's the joy of hearing you break down your music as a master craftsman, whether it's sharing your experiences, I feel like the book is a love letter to black women from all walks of life in every industry, whether it's private or whether it's in the music industry. I, I feel like it's a touching tale.

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And honestly, it's one of the most vulnerable, beautiful stories I've read. So thank you so much for sharing it with us. Thank you for joining me on the show.

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Thank you so much, Trevor. I adore you and I really would love to come back and talk to you any time, any time, any any covid.

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What do we call this one when we're not socially distanced? Yes. Yes. Thank you. Thank you so much. And they're incredible.

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Thank you very much. Well, that's our show for tonight.

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But before we go, please remember that the West Coast is battling horrific wildfires right now that are destroying millions of acres of land and displacing thousands of people. Climate change has been a key factor in increasing the risk and the extent of these conditions. And one organization that has been working to find practical solutions for this is the Environmental Defense Fund until next time. Stay safe out there where a mosque. And if you're one of my Neandertal viewers or.

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The Daily Show with Criminal Ears Edition once The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central and watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Datong. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.