Editor's Note: This transcript was automatically transcribed, so mistakes are inevitable. You can contribute by proofreading the transcript or highlighting the mistakes. Sign up to be amongst the first contributors.
You're listening to Comedy Central now. Major League Baseball, America's leading metaphor for how far you went during a hookup just four days after the season started with a record four million viewers tuning in, it looks like the season is already at risk with a report today that at least 14 players and coaches on the Miami Marlins have tested positive for coronavirus. And this is a real blow because the league had been trying literally everything it could think of to try and stay safe.
There's so many things different about Major League Baseball this season is the pirates look to wrap up their first series of the season at St. Louis on Sunday. And check this out. Your home plate umpire tosses a player from the pirates. So new manager Derek Shelton goes out there. And new rules. You have to social distance and mask up to argue Coronas really changed our lives.
Hand me my mosque is the new hold my earrings. I mean, seriously, props to these two, because this is an expert demonstration on what it means to take coronavirus seriously because, yes, these guys wanted to fight, but they also know that coronaviruses waiting to beat both of them up. And if these guys can remember to put on the masks before a fight, you have no excuse when you're going into Wal-Mart. Plus, it definitely slows down a fight when you have to pull off every single punch at the sheer.
If you ask me, managers and umpires should have always been arguing from six feet away because have you seen how they normally argue? I mean, look at that. This dude is literally inside the other guy's cap. He looks like a really insane dentist who's angry because he's patient, forgot to floss.
Why aren't you going beneath your gum line?
Now, unlike the MLB, the NBA has decided to reduce the risk of Korona infections by forcing all the basketball players to live in Disney World for the remainder of the season, what they're calling the bubble. And as of the last round of testing, not a single player has coronavirus.
So as long as the players stay in the bubble, everything should be OK. The only issue is one player decided to visit another magical kingdom in the NBA.
Clippers guard Lou Williams has been placed on a 10 day quarantine and will miss the first two games of the restart.
Williams was photographed at the strip club Magic City in Atlanta, Georgia, last Thursday. Williams had been excused from the NBA bubble by the team to attend the funeral. He tweeted on Friday that Magic City was his, quote, favorite restaurant in Atlanta and was not fair to party but to get some wings. You have got to be kidding me.
This guy was allowed to leave the bubble for a family emergency, but then the NBA found out he went to a strip club. How did they bust him? Did he come home with glitter on his coronavirus? And I love that his excuse was that he was only at Magic City for the wings, not for the strippers, just for the wings. Look, there are excuses out there. But guys, there are tons of places you can get wings in Atlanta.
Something tells me he was actually there for the breasts and thighs.
He keeps doing like. The Black Lives Matter movement, although you may be hearing less about them than you used to, protests are still going on around the country, in part because police brutality is still going on around the country. And the ripple effects of this movement are reaching all aspects of American life, including a long awaited change in the NFL.
The Washington Redskins have officially retired the Redskins name and Indian head logo after eighty seven years. The football team announced the change following recent pressure from sponsors and decades of criticism that they are offensive to Native Americans. They are now working on a new name and design, which might take some time due to trademark issues. Warriors, red wolves and Red Tails are just some of the most popular choices among fans on social media. Major retailers have already removed Redskins apparel from store shelves and websites.
Yes, after decades of resisting, the Washington Redskins have finally decided to change their name. And look, this is a step in the right direction, but it almost feels like dismantling structural racism is so difficult that instead America is just crossing of the easy items on its racism. To-Do list. OK, next item, we've got to create an equal and just society. Hmm. All right, let's skip that one.
What about changing the name of a football team and counseling Aunt Jemima? Yeah, that should hold us over for a year.
So the old name is officially gone, but now the team is searching for a new name. And I'll be honest, I think when it comes to a new name, they've got to keep it simple, keep it safe, change the name to the Washington Washington's. Yeah, it's catchy. It's easy to remember. And most importantly, it honors one of the greatest Americans of all time. My man. Baseball, America's pastime and the sport, Michael Jordan cheated on basketball with the coronavirus pandemic, shut down the major league season before it could even start.
But now teams are ready to get underway covid style as Major League Baseball gets ready to resume play.
It turns out they're going to be using crowd noise from a video game. The sounds will come from the game. MLB, the show. The league is hoping that the crowd noises combined with stadium announcers and all the walk up music that'll make it sound like the stadiums are actually full. Yes.
While it's still too dangerous to fill a baseball stadium with a real crowd, the MLB is at least going to fill it with the sounds of people watching baseball. And I think we actually have a clip of what that sounds like.
Oh, oh, oh.
Now, even though fans sounds will be piped into the stadiums, the actual fans will still be watching baseball at home. So for fans who want to recreate the stadium experience at home, there's a lot of things you can do to make you feel like you actually have a game. First of all, make sure to watch the TV from really far away so you have no idea what's happening. Then grab a beer from your fridge and rip up a 20 dollar bill and finally cover your bathroom in another man's urine.
Now, that's baseball. I do like this idea, though. In fact, I think we should apply this to other areas of our new coronavirus lives, you know, like a lot of us eating out at restaurants. So why don't just pipe in some restaurant sounds while you're eating dinner at home?
Hi there. I just want to see if you're enjoying the food. Well, actually, you just gave me the food, so I haven't actually tasted it yet. Yeah, no problem. I'll come back in 10 seconds and ask you, you children, could you just come back like after I've eaten a bunch of it. OK, it's perfect. I'll come back at the most inconvenient moments, but then when you need to check, I'll totally disappear forever.
With the 20 20 summit games postponed and social distancing taking its toll on sports, the International Olympic Committee is urging member countries to consider EA Sports as a real sport. And you know what that means somewhere in Russia. A team of scientists just developed some steroids. They'll just lift the rest of my pool and boy, how the tables have turned, because for years, for years, the Olympic Committee, they looked down on us gamers.
We will not allow video games into the Olympics. These are not the real sports. You think shooting cartoon characters is a sport? Call of duty is not a sport. It is just an immature way for kids to kill you. Then you die, then you come back again. Their campaign clearly, and they using that game like ending but or something. But now EA Sports could be on their way to becoming a real Olympic sports. And man, I cannot wait to watch those medal ceremonies.
Please rise for our national anthem. I'm sorry, but your level is in another castle. What's up, sports fans? I'm Roy Wood, Junior. He's Michael Costa. Sports is back, which means we are that Kastrup, are you?
And to be talking sports again, we can't. I can't. I can't hear you brought your mute. Your mute.
Yeah, I was saying that I'm excited. Same here. Hockey's on his way back. Baseball starting up again. Listen, kid, I can't wait.
Those are my two favorite sports to ignore while I look at my phone. But the return that everyone's talking about, Roy, is the return of the NBA right coronavirus. Cut the season short right before the playoffs, but the NBA is back with a plan that's more complicated than trying to pronounce Giannis and to I'm to put to Giannis not to stumble onto Polke to post and to pull.
The NBA hopes to shield the rest of its season from covid-19 by keeping players and staff inside an isolation bubble. The teams will live, practice and play in Orlando without outside visitors or fans. Players and staff from all twenty two teams participating will be sequestered in a so-called bubble at the ESPN Wide World of Sports Complex at the Walt Disney World Resort. League officials hoping that will keep teams safe.
The league lays out in great detail everything from how the players will work, play, relax, eat as well as be monitored for covid-19. When play resumes, there's going to have to be consistent surveillance, you know, on a daily basis to make sure that people aren't who are negative for coronavirus stay negative. That's right.
The NBA is going to finish their season playing inside a bubble. And Roy, I love this idea. It reminds me of sleep away camp growing up, playing games, spending all your time together, your most trusted friends jumping cutups up your nose while you wait lately.
Yeah, because what I hear is a bunch of mostly black dudes locked up under constant surveillance. This is basically prison with less defense. And whose idea was it to bubble up down in Florida with all the cases spiking down to what was the second option, what they had the season in the middle of a Trump rally. Really? It's fine.
They're in a bubble. A bubble. Yeah. And if they respected the bubble, it could work. But the problem is that players are already breaking the rules. The NBA is not playing around when it comes to the bubble boundaries for players who are staying at the Walt Disney World campus in Orlando. Sacramento Kings forward Rashaan Home says he accidentally crossed the campus line to pick up a food delivery. Well, now he's under a mandatory 10 day quarantine. An unnamed NBA player contacted an Instagram model named AANA and invited her to the bubble.
The NBA season could be at risk because selfish players want take out and hot hot sex. So selfish, so hot, incredibly hot. Roy, that breaking quarantine for outside food is just unnecessary. They've already got great food options in the bubble. Look at this delicious meal. Denver Nuggets player Troy Daniels tweeted out, It's a cornucopia of culinary delights, arugula, two bags of chips, watermelon, a roll and a giant plastic bag.
A smaller thing of watermelon, right. That's at least eleven calories. Right. The point is they haven't even started playing games and the bubble is already falling. The cost of this season is going to be like you having sex with an Instagram model. It's going to end prematurely. Not so fast. Right. That was in private. I told you that. But if you look at the numbers, it's actually pretty promising.
The NBA had zero positive cases in its recent round of testing. The league testing close to three hundred and fifty players living on the NBA campus and Disney World. All of the tests coming back negative.
Damn, I didn't know it was working. OK, let me end up WNBA. I got to get in. I'll do whatever it takes. No, I'll be Waterboy. I'll be to teach myself to suwit underneath the basket. I'll be Anthony Davis is backup unibrow. Just whatever it takes. You got to let me in that bubble. You know, I don't blame you for wanting a piece of that bubble. Roy, not only is it the safest place in America right now, but based on the videos players have been sending out on social media, it looks like they're having a pretty good time in there.
Chris Paul is, like everyone else, embracing the outdoor life at Disney World. This is a fish CP three caught Monday before practice.
Meanwhile, the Dallas Mavericks, they were doing a socially distinct dance party on their balconies.
Myners Lenar getting in on the latest challenge, Leonard chugging beer for the second week in a row. This has got to be less than a second for the shotgun.
See, NBA players are just like us shotgunning beers alone.
He was fast to make that beer disappear. Like to tip up your nose at sleep away camp? Yeah, I'm sold. I want in on the fun in the bubble. We got to figure out a way inside.
I'm way ahead of you, Roy. I'm already turning myself into an Instagram model so I can seduce the players. All I got to do is post this pic. What do you think about that bubble? Right. I'm going to D.M. the NBA and I've been kicked off of Instagram.
It was worth a shot.
South Korea, the birthplace of pop and the best place to raise a family in somebody else's house after successfully dropping the coronavirus cases to basically zero. South Korea has decided that it's time to play ball responsibly.
Baseball season is underway in South Korea, but no fans are there to see it. Posters posing as fans filled the seats for yesterday's opening game of the KBIO league. They may not see anything more bizarre, though, than this. That's a nine year old inside a big baseball bubble. He walked himself on the pitcher's mound to home plate to create a socially distant first pitch.
Yes, South Korea has found a way to bring back sports in the age of coronavirus. And I mean, it looks really safe. Look, don't get me wrong, people are still going to die of boredom. I mean, it is baseball, after all. But thankfully, they're safe from Corona. I've got one question, though.
Why are the fake people wearing masks? It just seems unnecessary. America has already shown that if you were a person made out of cardboard, you don't need to wear a mask. Also, I hope they told the announcer that those fans are made out of paper. Otherwise that guy is going to freak out. And there it is. Looks like it's a hole.
Oh, my God. That ball just went through that guy's chest. Oh, my God. Why is nobody helping you?
You know what those are really creative is how they put that kid in a giant bubble baseball. I feel like they should just do this with every sport, especially the NFL put players in bubbles. Then when they get tackled, the ball bounces into the stands and then the fans, we get to punch the bubble back into the field. Tell me that doesn't sound like a fun sport and you solve the concussion problem. Roger Goodell called me. The Daily Show with criminal ears is Watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central.
Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Datong. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.