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[00:00:00]

You're listening to Comedy Central now. One big story that went viral last month was from the UK, where one hundred year old man raised forty million dollars doing a charity walk in his garden. And now the UK is saying to him, good on you, chap.

[00:00:26]

A hundred year old veteran in Great Britain will receive a knighthood. He'll be knighted for helping frontline workers during the coronavirus pandemic. Captain Tom Moore raised more than 40 million dollars for Britain's National Health Service by just walking around, walking laps around his garden using a walker like you see right here. And that effort captivated the nation.

[00:00:49]

Oh, this is fantastic. This one hundred year old man is going to become a knight, which is the highest British honor you can receive outside of Sobotka. And I'm not surprised this man is concerned with how the queen's going to handle that sword. I mean, we all saw how she stabbed Meghan Markle in the back. You don't know what she's capable of. I just can't wait for him to meet all the other knights once this pandemic is over.

[00:01:12]

I'm sure Tom Moore knighted for raising forty million dollars for the NHS and I'm sure a mix of luck. I was knighted for telling the truth about how much I like big butts. But this goes to show you two things. One, when it comes to helping your age doesn't matter. Anybody can help. And two, people in every country around the world are really desperate for sports right now because clearly people in England like, look, it's no Olympic sport.

[00:01:37]

I've heard there's an old man who's walking around his house every day might be quite entertaining. Are you shitting me? I would pay ten pounds to a hundred pounds to watch that. That sounds bloody exciting.

[00:01:50]

Do you sometimes wish that you could say screw safety? I'm just going to grab all my friends and run wild through the streets? Well, it turns out you're not the only one invasion of the goats.

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That was the scene in one neighborhood after a herd of goats got loose. The goats managed to knock over an electric fence and took a leisurely stroll through the streets. Neighbors had to open up a side gate and lead the goats back where they were supposed to be. Nobody was hurt, but there was some minor damage.

[00:02:18]

All right, go, go, go. Holy shit.

[00:02:26]

Did you see that? Not one of those goats is wearing a mosque. Oh, she's not going to be happy. I will say, though, those goats are tempting fate running through the streets like that when there's a meat shortage in the country because they can run wild in the suburbs. But if they try that shit in the Bronx by Jamaican people, turn them into a curry like that.

[00:02:46]

What is it? Look here. A first time God delivered himself Jesus who ordered goat meat. But look, man, it's clear to see what's happening here. Humans have stayed inside for too long and now animals have forgotten who's boss. And you realize what that means. When lockdown is over, we're going to have to fight them to take back our streets soon as quarantine ends. The first goat I see, I'm going to be like, yo, go get into the plastic.

[00:03:11]

We're handling this like men.

[00:03:15]

The Catholic Church, the place that was rocking robes long before Korona, now they're known for sticking to old traditions. But in these Korona times, even priests are learning to innovate.

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One priest in Michigan may have found the most unique way to connect with parishioners and social distance at the same time. Photos posted on social media by St. Ambrose Church shows the reverend using a squirt gun to shoot holy water. As you can see, drivers pulled up to the church steps and are greeted by the reverend who's wearing a face mask, gloves and holding a bright green gun. He told BuzzFeed News for an article over the weekend that he was a bit concerned about how the Vatican might react when the photos of him squirting holy water began circulating widely on the Internet.

[00:03:55]

But he says, quote, I haven't heard anything yet.

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OK, hold up. Water gun blessings. That might finally be the thing that gets the church's numbers to go back up again. And it's a great way for other Catholic priest to explain why they have a bunch of kids toys in their basements. The only way this could be more fun is if they did it with a water balloon, because that way you could watch it in slow motion and see the exact moment when your sins are absolved.

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I'm sure, you know, this also opens the Catholic Church to much cooler scenes in movies, you know, because normally the Catholic priest is always timid and all they can do is pray. But now when they meet a demon, they can be like, say hello to my little friend, scored sports scores.

[00:04:38]

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous. Facebook, the world's largest social network and elderly, Tick-Tock is bringing millions of users together in a really unexpected way.

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More than a million people are spending time during quarantine pretending to be ants.

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So this Facebook group is called Group, where we all pretend to be ants in a colony. Look at one of the posts here, ants crawling on ice cream. One person says, Munch with me and take some to the queen. You can see the comments say slurred the lift to queen.

[00:05:19]

OK, this is this is really interesting to take their minds off of the stress of Corona. Millions of Facebook users are pretending to be ants. And you thought you were the only one in quarantine feeling a little antsy. Back to you, Sandra. Look, man, I get it.

[00:05:37]

I get it. Who wouldn't want to live the carefree life of an ant, right? You spend all your time caring crumbs five thousand times your body weight until the day some asshole kid steps on you because his board sounds like a dream.

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Now, I know a lot of people are just having fun, but please remember, whenever there's something really fun on Facebook, there's a good chance it's created by the Russians. Let's pretend the wins we bring sugar to Queen. Then we not vote for you, baby.

[00:06:09]

My favorite story comes out of Pennsylvania, where a ninety three year old woman stuck in her house held a sign out of her window saying, I need more beer. And then after a picture went viral, Cours sprang into action and delivered her 10 cases of beer. And I'm really excited that this worked for her because I've tried the same thing. Yeah, I've had a sign outside my window for weeks and I've got nothing. And this just shows that you can't judge a book by its cover because we always think that old people are just sitting around doing boring things like knitting Sudoku or reminiscing about having sex on the Titanic.

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But this story changes everything. We've got to think of old people differently than living life. In fact, I think they need to add a different setting to those life necklaces. Mrs. Fletcher, are you OK?

[00:06:59]

Did you fall? No, I'm out of booze and I can't get crunk.

[00:07:06]

Every day we're hearing about how animals are thriving without us, but in Japan, it turns out that there are some animals that just miss our face.

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A Japanese aquarium is asking people to make video calls to their eels. Why? It's all to remind the sensitive creatures humans exist and don't pose a threat with a largely human free environment. The last couple months, aquarium staff say, when keepers try to check on the garden meals, they hide in the sand in a bid to reacquaint the eels with humans. The aquarium is setting up five tablets and asking eel enthusiasts to connect via face time. That's right, because there haven't been any visitors at the zoo.

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The zoo wants people to video chat with the eels so that they remember humans and don't view them as a threat when people come back. Yeah, although if you ask me, reminding the Eels about humans will have the opposite effect.

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Why is the ocean so small? All right. The humans put us in a water zoo.

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Oh, and, you know, the good news is eels are perfectly designed for video chats. Yeah. Because if anyone tries to flash their penis on these calls, the Eels, they're not going to be fazed. Just be like, look at that. Another eel on the call, a very strange eel, so small and so pale. You must be Qik.

[00:08:30]

The Daily Show with Criminal Lawyers edition once The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.