Happy Scribe
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You're listening to Comedy Central now. From Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York, this is The Daily Show with Trevor Noah. Here's a. Yo, what was that what was that? What's going on, everybody? I figured I'd just jump in to give you my opinions on what happened in the first presidential debate. If you missed the debates, I'm going to give you a quick recap of what happened.

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I would you like you like to respond to that. That was very informative.

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First things first. We need new debate rules, people. Chris Wallace, thank you for your service. And I hope that you have a lot of money for your therapy. You made a valiant effort, but you were not ready for this because no human being could have been ready for this. They don't need a moderator for this thing. They need a UFC ref. Dana White, get on it. Trump would not shut up right now. He's still in his bedroom complaining about how crooked Hillary rigged the election that he wants.

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She totally stole it. But I get it. I brought it back. I grabbed it from her. I totally added passed to learn it. That's what I did. I grabbed it from Hillary. I mean, at one point, Chris Wallace was this close to looking at Trump and saying, you got to shut the fuck up.

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That was Chris Wallace losing his mind.

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So, look, moderators, you need to figure out how to handle Trump at a debate because this is not good for the nation. It doesn't work to just say, Mr. President, please, Mr. President, please. Please, Mr. President, please. Have you ever asked a toddler, please, please put down the matches, please put out your house will be burned down around you. That's why Melania slaps the hand. You got to slap on the hand.

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Can't be talking to a toddler. I'm telling you, man, they need to switch things up. They need to figure something out, do anything, give the next moderator a spray bottle just to spritz them. Any time they interrupt, I promise you Trump will be quiet because his hair turns into a gremlin. If it gets wet, just spray him. Or you know what? Even better, give Trump one hundred dollars for every time he lets Biden finish a sentence.

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Yeah, I mean, money is a great incentive for him. And now that we've seen the tax returns, we know that he needs it. And whoever decided on this format needs to be fired because I don't know about you at home, but I have never and I mean never wanted to see a commercial break more badly in my life. I cannot do 90 straight minutes of this shit ever again. It was brutal. There's got to be a commercial break every five minutes.

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And during those commercial breaks, every ad should be for anti depressants or some drug that has side effects that make you forget the last four years. And honestly, if you went to a commercial in the middle of this thing, I bet even the guys in the ad would be flustered. That was so thrown off by Donald Trump, they'd be like, I was going to tell you about the cat litter or hot, hot dogs or I can't remember.

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Don't I'm sorry, guys. I don't know what this ad is about. That guy just kept and these debates need fact checkers. Why am I the only person who steals that guy's debates need fact checkers? Because otherwise people can just stand on the stage and say whatever they want and there are no consequences. Zero, nada, zilch. Every time a candidate says a lie, there should be some sort of sign that they lied. Like maybe a brick should come down on this side of the screen, you know, like Tetris.

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And then as they lie, just gradually build up higher and higher until it covers their face. I mean, the best part for Trump is that five minutes into the debate, he'll finally have his wall.

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There are so many places where there is no truth Twitter, Facebook, partisan news networks. These debates, at the very least, should be a place where people can tune in and expect some kind of fact check.

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You know, you can't just have both candidates making things up if they're going to make things up. It's like you don't know. Is Biden telling the truth? I think so. Is Trump. That's definitely a lie. But no one's saying anything. You can't have them decide when to lie. It's like the NBA finals and then all of a sudden they're like, oh, yeah, you can call your own fouls. No, that's chaos. You need an actual ref on the court people.

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I mean, the one upside of this whole night is now we know what the fight club will look like in forty years. That's the one upside. In fact, that's what we should do. We should just let these guys wrestle, just let them physically wrestle each other, because the reality is everyone's made up their mind. All right. There's no such thing as an undecided voter. It's just people too embarrassed to say how they'll vote. So let's entertain America, at least with two old men wrestling and the winner gets a free hip replacements.

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So I don't know, guys, fresh after the debate, what is my takeaway? I don't actually know. I mean, I don't know how Biden did because Trump did more interrupting than Kanye West in a room full of Taylor Swift's. It sounded less like a debate and more like the radio was catching to station. I would Ramsell, this guy's a clown girl. Please, Mr. President, I can't believe that Biden even managed to keep any train of thought.

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That was impressive. You want to talk about being a compos mentis for being president. Pay attention while Trump is trying to interrupt you the whole time. It's like having a little devil on your shoulder, but they're not trying to convince you of anything. They're just trying to mess you up. Yeah, that's what genuine 50 does that it's a lot. But my baby, I was watching that debate and I kept forgetting where I was. I actually hope Biden was taking drugs because that's the only way I was able to get through the debates.

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And that's what Trump's performance. Two things. One, now we finally know what it will be like if you read his Twitter feed out loud and to I can't believe how hard his brain malfunctioned when they asked him to denounce white supremacists. Will you denounce the Cowboys?

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Mr President will stand back and stand by, boys. So after the first debates, I don't know if anybody won. All I know is for the next debate, I'm going to stand back from the TV and stand by a bottle of wine. We'll see you guys tomorrow for the fallout from the first presidential debate on the daily social distancing show debate. Good night.

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I'm out. The shit was ridiculous.

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The Daily Show with Criminal Ears Edition, watch The Daily Show weeknights at 11:00, 10:00 Central on Comedy Central and the Comedy Central. Watch full episodes and videos at The Daily Show Dotcom. Follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram and subscribe to The Daily Show on YouTube for exclusive content and more. This has been a Comedy Central podcast now.