So, Billy, what's going on with you and fake butter and real butter, and why is it that you and Chris are talking during the break about I want to talk about butter and arguing about butter. How who why does anyone argue about butter?
Why anything I do, Dan? Right. I mean, I guess that's the question anyways. Butter. Dan, you like butter, you like butter. Really. Here's the thing about feels like a fat joke that doesn't know it wasn't a bad joke.
I was just curious who says it.
But you better not talk bad about butter here, Billy. Just be careful. Well, OK, so this is what I'm, I'm learning. Right. Butter by itself, like actual butter. Not as good as like the fake butter, like the butter spread. I'm becoming more pro butter spread than butter and I know what's going to happen. All the pro butter people are going to come out and they're going to be totally like killing me over this take.
But if you go and you get like the prepackage, once I get a little container to put it on toast, then like the butter is spread is so much easier to spread on your bread, on your bread. It's like creamy. It goes right on where the butter itself is like hard. And then it breaks your toes, your toes goes into a thousand pieces that are happened.
You guys really you are a rookie man. Let your take your butter out of the fridge like ten minutes before you use it. Boom. Problem solved.
No, he's right. You have to frost your butter. You have to I mean, everyone knows that. Otherwise you're playing a dangerous game with a butter.
You have to finish with the with the, with the buttery spread. I don't have to. I could just go in, get the butter, put it out. But it's less quality. It's less quality. Taste the same. It's crap. You're being lazy, Billy.
I think any time you break things down into smaller and smaller things, like a stick of butter being stuck into a bottle that you could spray out on your piece of bread, toast, big or whatever, it makes the product worse. It's a stick of butter, like a stick of butter is fantastic.
The spray butter, it's never actually been sold at full capacity. It's always at the very end. And you have to turn it just right to get it. I've never been able to get a clean spray of I can't believe it's not butter.
No, not spray butter. You guys are twisting what I'm saying. I'm talking about like the butter like that comes in the tub and you take off the top and then you go in with the knife and then you go and you spread it out and then you go back another time and it's like, oh my God, now I have all these little pieces of toast stuck on it and now my butter has a little toast things on it. This isn't happening, guys.
That's not butter, though. It's literally called I can't believe it's not butter. I know because it's the same as butter, like, oh my God, is this butter? No, I can't believe it. It's not butter. I can't believe you, Billy.
So you're saying it's well named. You're saying you're saying the best imperfect name. You're saying that? Well, it is the best of names, of course, because no other product has such a long name. So it's not surprising at all that that would be your favorite. I can't believe it's not. Butter is way too long a brand.
It's factual, though, Dan. But you tasted it. You're like this is really good. But like, hey, no, that's not funny. Like, I can't believe it's not butter.
Are you arguing this is this the poll question? Are you arguing that I can't believe it's not butter is better than real butter.
Sure. You're just being lazy, though, Billy. Like, leave out the stick butter for ten minutes and you have I can't believe it's not butter. Then you have to equal things where it's easily it's easy to spread the real butter and it's just not even close. Billy, let's do it taste. You know, when we get back in the studio, first thing we do or test, I guarantee you you prefer real butter. I guarantee you can't tell the difference.
I bet you I can.
Or you got to keep in mind that margarine is like one or two molecules away from being plastic. So that's. Thank you, Roy. Your body anyway.
What you do have to keep that. No, wait a minute. Bill is learning something while you wait a minute.
Bill has just been modified through Roy saying it's not yours. I'm afraid to the healthiest thing on earth. Roy, please get out of here at least is edible. I know.
But Roy, you're saying, look, you have to keep in mind, like everyone knows, that you do have to keep it in mind.
Roy, keeping in mind a bunch of library nerds here to everybody's doing all this research on everything before you eat it. How is that even possible? How do you guys have time in the day to look up everything before you eat it? Just eat it and keep moving with your life. That's what you got to do. You can't you're not going to enjoy anything then that's what you're eating. All this quinoa on, all this kale and this and that.
Just stop looking into what's into this. You don't want to know what's into any of this food. All right. Don't look into what's chickens, how chickens are done here and corn and all of that. You don't want it. Don't don't ask, don't tell. As far as it comes to food, you don't want to know about any of that stuff. I can't believe it's not plastic. Billy, this is funny that you say that. Did you guys see Brandon Marshall and Ochocinco going back and forth because they were going back and forth in a way that.
Well, it was great, but it was great television. It was funny. They were legitimately arguing because Chad Johnson, not unlike Billy, was arguing about this is the the logic point Chad Johnson was making. I ate McDonald's my whole career. I never got hurt. Mm. That's the point that you just.
Yeah, yeah. And he's yelling shopping before we get to the science of it, he says it hardened his insides so that he couldn't get hurt. How do you. You that it hardened his insides, how many times he heard he was never hurt, I was bred in Marshall Hurt. That's right. How great was that? Billy, did you enjoy that thought? Because Brandon Marshall is sitting there taking care of his body and talking about, you know, Brandon Marshall has had mental health stuff on learning the things that need to be learned, like Roy is trying to teach us about the way to eat correctly.
Brandon Marshall is making noise, not the one to tell us how to eat correctly either. All right. To read a book looking to watch into Doritos. Roy OK, like, come on with. Do you know what you. But do you know what's in Marjah? Do you know what's in Doritos. No way in hell that you read syrup. No. This and not get out of here. Roy, that's not healthy for you either.
OK, you know, I eat out of foods other than Doritos. I'm actually a healthy eater. So we've seen you eat well. Yeah. Yeah. You've been around me for twenty four hours. Yeah, yeah. But Roy's the healthiest amongst us. I believe you're the one that authorized the team.
The skinniest you eat, the healthy guys.
This stuff is a crapshoot, I'm telling you. OK, like I think Chad Johnson's right. I mean there's no primary McDonald's. You might not get injured. You're trying to you know, you're in peak physical condition like martial and you're out every other day. But Tom, Tom Brady would argue about his success. The one interesting public thing that Tom Brady has shown you behind the mythology is the idea, hey, my doctor, who's not a doctor, I'm not cheating.
This is not something illegal I am doing, even though I'm the guy who throws away his phone. When the NFL comes to investigate, Tom Brady has been telling you that he has some secret formula. This is the thing he has sold more than any other, is it not the guy? It's like in terms of his public face, what you know about the greatest winner of our times is he believes in that TV. Twelve stuff that it keeps you young, that he's been peddling that stuff saying, no, the thing I have an answer for you on why it is that I've been able to play this long.
That answer is I adhere to a very specific discipline that keeps me young. And Chad Johnson is arguing with Brandon Marshall. And I had McDonald's never got hurt.
I mean, eat a Big Mac every once in a while to be twelve and you enjoy life a lot more. I'm telling you, Big Macs are delicious. You make a mistake. But it was a blessing from the heavens. I tried to order a double cheeseburger plain right. Cost-Cutting measure wanted to go cheap double cheeseburger plain because I found out if anyone's interested in this.
Here's a Maxus double cheeseburger with Maxus taste. There's a life hack attack, guys. I don't know if we still do live hack attacks. Here's a life hack attack. If you order a number one, a Big Mac after they do all the bells and whistles and all that stuff, it's like nineteen dollars. It's not. It's like eight dollars. But still, if you just do a double cheeseburger, plain fries and a coke. And by the way, in McDonald's, any size coke for one dollar, you could get a large for the same price as a small.
So you get that, that combo and it's like five bucks. So you save three dollars that way and all you're missing is really that piece of bread in the middle. But who wants that anyways? Right. And also the little sesame seeds at the top. How do you feel about sesame seed buns? Now we're talking about big fan. So you just do that. Where are we going with this?
I forgot because I felt like we were going anywhere. It felt like Billy went off the wall and the blessings from the heavens.
Thanks for reminding me. This is what happened. I ordered a double cheeseburger plain and then I went to the window like seven bucks and I'm like seven bucks. This is not no, this is not the way I've calculated it in my mind. So what happened? I look at my bag because obviously I'm not going to confront anyone. I'm not confrontational. So I'm like, OK, take my seven bucks out, let's see what's in this bag, because that's what I'm going to eat, because it's not what I ordered, because I know the price for what I ordered.
It was a double quarter pounder. Oh, half a pound. It was delicious.
I've never had a double quarter pounder before. Have you? No. And neither is Tom Brady, because all he does is look at what's in his food before he eats it.
Do you know that sesame seeds don't break down through your bowels? Did you know the main ingredient in Doritos is an alkaline solution?
I want I want a reading battery beef flavor. I want to get back here. Hold on a second, Roy, because I want to examine something, because Roy has been a bit of a changed man through love. So I want to see if we have this wrong or not, because I'm going to believe that the only reason that Roy knows that about Marjo and although I may be wrong about this, but the only reason that because Roy been fasting and he's been doing things to honor his his wife and his life, and so he has gotten very fit in the way that he eats and he eats very specifically.
But Roy, I thought that that was all your wife's influence, that your knowledge of food, because all I know you as is a man who for ten years was eating his entire diet, came out of a very sad waxy vending machine in old radio. And so I don't think of you as a healthy eater. I think of you as somebody who's been cleaned up by love. Do I have that wrong?
No, that is absolutely wrong, because I've known about that fact for a very long time. And the only thing, the fact that only eight Doritos at the waxy studio is because it was the only thing they had, if I could actually leave the studio and get to my point, you used to just eat French fries for lunch.
You would go down to Cleveland and just order French fries.
Well, you I've seen you because there's a lot of healthy stuff at the Cleveland is Roy Lollards. They are salads, there's salmon.
There's all sorts of it's the beach, there's green, everything, everywhere.
You know what's ever happened to me? Me asking a question on an assumption that I've made that I felt was based, in fact. And I asked Roy, hey, can you confirm this? And him saying, you're absolutely right. It's either well, it's none of your goddamn business or I'm wrong. Roy, that about covers it. OK, Roy, you're laughing at that because that's exactly what happened. Now, Roy, all of us going back to this time when this intern was being sent to the Pleasure Emporium next door.
I've spent 10 years with Roy where I've only got, you know, this to be true, that the only things I've seen him eat is scavenger's stuff when we're someplace. And he just he's the first one to whatever food is being, whatever junk is being brought out because he's a piranha in terms of an eater here.
The entire menu, a prime 112 when you were paying us.
Yes, he is. Yes. Oh, and I think you took this home. You know, I thought I saw you with a steak in your pocket.
I've never seen someone box a scotch before.
Roy, Roy, this is something that has been. And so other than that, other than these meals where you're leaving a restaurant with steak in your pockets, you are someone who has for ten years eaten Doritos from a vending machine for ten years. When and how and where did you become a healthy eater guy? Because all of us are calling bullshit on you on this.
You know, when I'm at home, you know, when you're such a liar, he's pulling right out of here.
You know that Cody just won't take the L also, by the way, for Mr. Everybody knows this about butter. I looked up right here. I Googled it. Spreads are typically lower in calories, fat and saturated fat than butter.
Does that have to do with what I just said? He's worse class. You said that butter is healthier, that the other things. Plastic. I'm evil.
I didn't say that, but it was healthier.
I don't see any percentage of plastic on here. I'm looking at this thing. It doesn't say like ninety eight percent plastic on my margarine, I'm telling you. And it's a sixty four percent vegetable oils. Vegetables. That's good right now.
But I didn't say that butter was healthier. That's not what I said.
I found out because one time I was wiping and there was a sesame seed. I did that thing, the glands so much I had to keep wiping marker down there, sesame seed on it.
And I was like, Huh, look at that. You take a picture. I almost did.
Everybody likes disgusting gross that ever happened to you.
Do you ever wipe and have a piece of food there that didn't break down in your bowels is probably cause you pay a staggering amount of attention to your bowels?
Yeah, well, I mean, everyone does know. I mean, you got a chuckle. I like your poop, Chris.
The whole concept of being regular, I don't even know what that means. I just have to take a shit and I go, shit.
I look at my two young never I've never taken a shit and not looked at my now unless there's blood in it. Just keep moving man. Where did. That was great. How do you know when to stop wiping.
No I'm Billy. If there's. Listen you looked out for a second, you admire your work OK. And then if there's no blood on it, you move on with your dad. Plenty of peanuts in there. I said peanuts. I don't care what else is in there.
I got to keep checking because I need to see the health of my stool because there's been blood in it. I internalized like a log.
If I see like a really long, big piece of poop, I think to myself, what did I eat? Because that was a good I had a good process there.
Where, Bill, did you just have my documenting his shit smell like a like a photo log of what's happening just to make sure when things are.
Well, ever since I had diverticulitis, I haven't had a healthy pool. I haven't had, I haven't had a log poop in.
I haven't logged poop since 2008. What. Yeah, I'm done.
I have a lot of dog poop. Let's discuss what we eat differently. Like why are my poops log and years.
The food poisoning, the food poisoning that I got in Vegas that caused diverticulitis in me totally ruined my intestines to the point that I can't have a hard, healthy log anymore. I miss I miss the satisfaction. Are you sure there is nothing like a lot.
I mean, I miss like the leg, the liquid just flowing out of you. Like, I haven't had that in years.
You have diarrhea, like longs for having a long, solid piece of poop like.
No doubt. Hold on a second. We need to revisit this. You missed diarrhea and you haven't had diarrhea in years.
No, no. I've had diarrhea. I've had poops where it comes out quick. But it's like there's just something about that satisfaction of you can release it and it all flows out like liquid as opposed to having to get out of long to know.
I know I miss diarrhea is a staggeringly bad. It's the strangest take. Yet there's a satisfaction that you get out of having diarrhea because it comes out quicker.
No, I'm saying when you're pooping, it maybe this isn't diarrhea. When you when you've had maybe Mexican food or you've had you've eaten something where it is about to flow out of you and you sit down. There's no struggle there. It just floods out of you. That's it's not painful. Whereas if, you know, if you have a big log, sometimes it can be a bit of a push.
What do you think diarrhea is just so we're all on the same page in terms of the definition? Well, I was thinking diarrhea is like when you're like sick and you're like feeling like shit and you start pooping liquid, like sometimes I poop liquid that I don't feel like it's diarrhea because I don't feel sick.
It is a good point about the long and the diarrhea. The diarrhea does come out seamlessly. Never an issue with coming out the log, there is a push occasionally ring that really, really hurts.
I mean, really, what are you like? What's what do you think diarrhea is? Diarrhea is liquid poop. Yeah, OK. It's like porn. You know, when you see it when you say diarrhea, I think of like being in pain, though, you can have diarrhea and not be in pain.
Mm. I want to take you inside my shit for just a moment because what I usually do is somewhere between the standard poo and diarrhea. It's somewhere in the middle. So what I get buried. Yeah. Yeah. When I get the diarrhea it's actually my only source of satisfaction in knowing that I'm fully evacuated. That's what's so key about the dog poop guys. It's because after it's in the toilet and you have to flush it a few times because sometimes you have these Phibes that come back.
That you feel like I can eat anything that I want right now. What does an EF five and thank you for asking that.
Well, there was this whole I think around the time that Bradford was texting his penis pictures to people, he would also text photos to his teammates of his Soules. Any time someone had an EF five, it was a big deal. So while it's also the the standard score for tornadoes, Brett Favre and his teammates had five four gigantic POUS. Come on, guys. So I would always feel evacuated. Back in the days prior to 2008, when I had a blog and it was in toilet, I felt 10 pounds lighter.
I felt like I could attack the day. I don't have that feeling anymore. I miss it and I only get it through diarrhea.
Now, you guys agree that attempting to fart while you're experiencing diarrhea is the most dangerous of games, right? Yes, OK.
Why would you tell here? Who would you like to er get on the ball game at 11. No. Wouldn't you agree that trying to fart. While while having diarrhea, thank you, guys, I appreciate the help I set this out. Let's set this conversation out purposely. Let's just get to the poll question. You would agree that trying to fart while having diarrhea is the most dangerous of games.
I found myself in the real catch 22. When you have to pee and poop, but you're at a sporting event and you're not going to poop at a sporting event. Right. So you're at the urinal because you've been drinking beers. But also what beers does your stomach is? It makes you want to fart and you're at the urinal in your opinion, and is a real dangerous game because you don't want to let out the fart that may also turn into poop.
Just so for everyone not watching, which is everyone, Roy says he only eats Doritos at work while eating a bag of Doritos at home, a giant bag. Yeah, I'm working. That's right. Number 46, me trying to figure out what Team Danzon is the on team.
Big log or diarrhea?
Yeah. How are you poops? Honestly, I was sitting out the whole thing, and I'm going to continue to sit it out because this is a toilet humor that really demeans and cheapens us on the day that we're announcing that the meadowlark flies and sings.
And John Skipper is our new CEO.
We've got an artist you've explained. What is your shit look like? Othello's. All right. Hold on a second before we go down this path, because I'm not interested in having this conversation.
But what does your shit look like? The symbol, the biggest shits of all of us.
I don't want to be talking to you guys about this.
Let me see your shit and toilet humor. I don't want to do toilet humor. It's why I didn't speak the entirety of the postgame show.
When have I done toilet humor, that stewardesses realm? That's how he leads the army. What's the consistency of it? Yeah. I'm not doing this sometimes when it comes out or do you go look, I'm a journalist. This is all beneath the meadowlark. The mighty meadowlark flies and sings at the same time. It does not fly and sing and poop. Can we be above this, please?
Meadowlarks poop also, just if not the day everyone's got to poop. Yeah. Yeah. You ever in fact, it's a book.
You ever have one of those phantom poops where you're like sitting over the toilet and you feel like what you put in the toilet is substantive and then you look at the toilet bowl and is what happens to it? What does it go straight down the drain like a perfectly safe. Yeah.
What did I imagine this pool that ever happened to you then? This is what I'm not going to do with you guys. What I'm going to do is watch what you're doing and see that from the seed that was originally in Mike's poop where this segment started that has since been fertilized by all the shit my colleagues are putting in your ears right now. So will the song Birds soar, flying and singing at the same time, telling stories that come out of the orifice of its songbird mouth and not diarrhea jokes led by stewardess in the Army.
Did you ever fought with diarrhea? The next thing you know, there's a shit dripping down your leg.
Jesus Christ, man, it's hard to explain it anymore. I can't believe the disrespect from Billy and Chris Whittington. My diarrhea, diarrhea has a bad name.
If it was a different name, it wouldn't be thought of the way it is and give it a different systems.
If it doesn't agree, it's not painful. Chris, why do you dislike diarrhea?
Because it is generally associated with unhealth like it is associated with you are having and you're having stomach issues. Therefore, it's coming up.
Right. It's a it's an alarming thing to be like why is it all liquid right now? But it's not a painful experience. Like, it's like, wow, I am getting flushed out right now.
We can all agree, though, that the actual dangerous game is the post shower shit, correct?
Oh, yeah, right. Can't do it. But there are times that I just suffer through what is very clearly a diarrhea shit just because I'm like I just clean my butt. I'm not cleaning it again.
I refuse or I did some research. It wasn't Jason Spains. So back to square one. Oh shit. Who was it? I mean, how did you research that it wasn't Jason Spain? Because I texted him. Gates said he doesn't remember. OK, I'll tell him I said hello.
Yeah, I did. Other Udonis Haslem anecdote, you put it.
Yeah, I was gonna just try to look for that. Oh, apparently he was sent to get coffee.
Udonis Haslem, even though Udonis has them, did not want coffee and it roundup going just gut.