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[00:00:07]

Welcome to today's episode of the Mind Set Mentor podcast, I'm your host, Rod Dial, and if you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe, but that you never miss another episode. And if you love YouTube and you want to follow along with these podcast videos, even with all the mini documentaries I'm starting to put out, go to YouTube, take my name and Rob Dial subscribe and you can start watching those videos there. Today we're going to talk about self-love and how to love yourself more.

[00:00:32]

So many people struggle with self-love. So many people struggle. And we could be so cruel to ourselves. And not struggling in the self-love category is holding us back from everything that we want to do because we're mentally thinking that we're not good enough. We don't love ourselves enough. So therefore, maybe we don't deserve this life that we want. Maybe we can't create this life that we want and we need to learn before doing anything else how to love ourselves more.

[00:00:58]

And so what might actually be a better phrase than self-love?

[00:01:01]

Because so many people talk about self-love and so many people struggle with it, is how can we accept ourselves more instead of self-love? How can we have self acceptance? Right. Because it's not really about love. It's about acceptance. See, the barrier to self-love is self acceptance.

[00:01:21]

We have judgment that we place on top of everything. But if you were to just clear out all the judgment, clear out all the things you think about yourself and clear out all the negative things that you say below, it is self-love. The actual natural state of a human is love. If you ever been around a child before, there's a toddler is just love and happiness and joy. But what happens is as we grow up, we get judged.

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We have, you know, societal pressures the way our our parents raise us, all of these things that can happen, advertisements going to school, getting bullied. And we end up placing all of these judgments on top of ourselves. And the opposite of judgment is acceptance.

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So instead of just self-love, let's talk about self acceptance and why it's so hard for us to love ourselves, why it's so hard for us to accept ourselves and where it actually came from, because if we can get to the root of it, we can start to work on it, because behind all that self judgment is the love that you're looking for.

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That acceptance is the doorway to the self-love. So let's talk about, first off, why it's so hard to accept ourselves.

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Well, there's a couple of things. One of the biggest things is the way that we're socialized. So, you know, we have to be socialized by our parents.

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Now, let me say this before I talk about parents at all. Everybody, your parents, whether they did an amazing job or they did a terrible job, they did the best with what they had in children.

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Also don't completely understand the world around them. So they might perceive things incorrectly. And so people always ask me, how can I not screw my children up like I hear that question all the time. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know if there's a way to not screw your children up because you might be the best parent. And I've heard many times of these incredible parents, but the child's perception of the parents or the way the world works around them was actually skewed when they were younger and they built their own perception, which took them away from self-doubt, that took them away from self acceptance.

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But most of the time, what happens is in order for us to quote unquote fit in, we have to be socialized as a child, as children. Right. Parents are under pressure to socialize you, to make you fit in.

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Right.

[00:03:25]

It's not OK to have a temper tantrum and to scream or to run around inside and have you know, you can't just run around and have fun inside of a, you know, a nice restaurant. So you have to that doesn't fit in with what society is. So a child that doesn't fit in has to learn our social constructs. And let me tell you why that ends up being such a big thing that really I want to say messes people up, the kind of messes people up.

[00:03:53]

Right. One of the things that people don't realize as parents is that the thing that your children worry about more than anything else and really have in the front of their mind, consciously or subconsciously, as does my mom love me? Does my dad love me? Right.

[00:04:08]

And one thing that a lot of people don't a lot of parents don't realize is that they will either give love to their child a lot of times, depending on what they do, if they do what they want or they accidentally retract their love, which is the scariest thing for a child.

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They retract their love from their children, which make them feel like what I'm doing right now, my mom doesn't love me.

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What I'm doing right now, my parents don't love me and the children because of the fact that us we were all children at one point in time. We don't have any real reasoning process for this. The child doesn't fully understand everything it realizes.

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OK, the way that I'm acting right now, which is my natural state, is not acceptable.

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Obviously, the child, a two year old or three year old, is not saying this themselves, but subconsciously, this is going on. I'm playing around. I'm having a whole lot of fun inside of this place. But my mom's yelling at me to shut up. My mom's yelling at me because because what I'm doing right now is not acceptable. And they think my natural state having fun, running around, being joyful, maybe being loud is not acceptable.

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And so we learn that what we did was not acceptable. So my natural state is not acceptable, which gets in the way because then we have no self acceptance, which turns into no self-love.

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Right. An interesting statistic to kind of give you guys an idea about this is that the average child is reprimanded eight times more than they're praised. Right. I understand as a parent, that's just as hard. Right. And you're trying to keep your child alive.

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I get it. It's hard. So but if an average child is reprimanded eight times more than their praise, that means that the average child is thinking, I'm not good enough, more than they're thinking I'm good enough to recommended eight times more than they're praised. So the child is thinking, you know, in a lot of parents reprimand their children by, you know, whether they're conscious of it or not by retracting their love from them. So they're thinking eight times more than their praise.

[00:06:06]

If I act this way, my mom doesn't love me. If I act this way, my dad doesn't love me. And so we think the way that I as a child, they don't consciously think this, but this is kind of under the subconscious. They're right. The way that I am is not OK.

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So I have to change the way that I naturally am in order to be OK, in order to be loved by my parents, so that child has to change itself. It has to let go of certain aspects of itself based off of what the parents tell them. Just makes sense to everybody now.

[00:06:39]

So as we grow up in order to be socialized, in order to fit in, we have certain aspects of ourself that we have to change.

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And in turn, we subconsciously think I'm not good enough. That's everyone's number one fear in the entire world. I'm not good enough lives under the surface of every single fear that every single person has. The reason why I think we're not good enough is because as a child, we were reprimanded in order to be socialized, because there are certain ways that we can act in certain ways that we can't act.

[00:07:08]

And we think, does my mom love me when I do this? My mom doesn't love me. If she doesn't love me, should I love myself? Right. These these aren't consciously going through the child's head, but this is all subconsciously happening. So we have to as adults, learn to love ourselves and to accept ourselves even if we didn't get it as a child. But then once again, maybe your parents were amazing. Maybe you viewed something differently because a child doesn't necessarily understand everything.

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So now it's our job to kind of pick up the pieces and to rebuild the way that we want.

[00:07:36]

These days, it could be hard to find the time to sit down and learn more, and it's not easy with the likes of social media that can be so freakin addicting and time consuming. So you may think to yourself that you don't have time to develop yourself, but there's an app that I highly recommend, and it's called Blankest. Blankest is for anyone who cares about learning but doesn't have a whole lot of time. And Blankest takes the key ideas and insights from over 4000 nonfiction bestsellers in more than 27 categories and helps gather them into 15 minute text and audio explainers that help you understand more about the core ideas.

[00:08:08]

There's already 15 million people that are using Blink to broaden their knowledge on self-improvement, personal growth, management, leadership, mindfulness and happiness. And I like blankest because it's short. It's to the point exactly like this podcast is in right now. Blinkx has a special offer for our audience. If you go to blankest dotcom mindset, you can get a seven day free trial and get 25 percent off of Blinkx is premium membership. So that's blankest spell belin k i.

[00:08:37]

S t dotcom mindset to get twenty five percent off in a seven day free trial. Blinkx dotcom mindset.

[00:08:46]

You know, we can think as a child, oh, my gosh, I'm having fun, I'm running around in public and my mom yells at me, my dad yells at me. Therefore, this aspect of myself is wrong.

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This having fun, this running around this aspect of myself is wrong. And I'm not accepted the way that I am, and if I'm the way that I'm acting, naturally is not right. Then I must be wrong. Makes sense, it's deep when you could fully understand this concept, No. One, it's going to make you a better parent. Number two, it's going to be able to help you heal your past. MURPHREE three, it's going to help you start to accept yourself more.

[00:09:22]

It's OK. Your parents did the best they could. But also, besides parents, we have all of society. We have all the advertisements. We have bullies in school, all of these things on top of it. So we learn from a very young age during the socialization process that we're not good enough as we currently are. We realize that. We think that and we don't really think that consciously.

[00:09:42]

Once again, it's all subconscious, but we must act a certain way in order to fit in. We must act a certain way in order to get our parents love.

[00:09:49]

And even if. That way isn't really me, I'll do it because it's what my mom wants, I'll do it because it's what my my dad wants and the result of it is unworthiness. The result is the way that I am naturally is not enough. And so what happens is our personality from a young age is now built upon repressing who we truly are. So make sense. Get that for a second. Our personality from a very young age is about repressing who we actually truly are at our most natural state.

[00:10:25]

And somehow I've realized that I'm bad.

[00:10:28]

And I need to look to my parents to see what is good. I need to look to my parents to see what is to get their validation, to see if what I'm doing is OK. Because in my natural state, it's not OK, my running around is not OK, and I get it if you're a parent. I get it, believe me, they can be loud.

[00:10:48]

They can put themselves in danger because they don't understand. But this is what's happening subconsciously in a child's head, and this is what happens subconsciously when you were younger as well.

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So as we get then we end up getting older. And what happens is because we learn that we have to learn from our parents what is good and what is bad, and we have to seek their approval, then what happens is as we get older, we have to seek other people's approval the same way, same way they were thinking, does my mom love me? Does my dad love me? Then we subconsciously think, does this person let me do this person, let me.

[00:11:18]

Do you love me? You know, if I get good grades, will I be loved? If I get no one in the class, will I be loved? If I get no one on the baseball team, will I be loved? If I beat everybody else in the spelling bee, will I be loved? You know, if I look sexy enough for you as you get older, will I be loved? You know, if I do this, will I be loved and the strongest person here will I be loved?

[00:11:40]

You know, if I get more Instagram likes, will I be loved? If I get more Facebook likes, will I be loved? And you start to realize, oh, if I make more money, will I be loved? If I get a nice car, if I have a nice house, if I have nice clothes, if I speak a certain way, if I come off more confident, will I be loved? And we realize that a lot of the things that we're doing throughout our life, once we wake up to this, is to get other people's approval.

[00:12:03]

We're trying to do or become anything that will make us feel accepted sometimes. That's why school can be so hard, because we're trying to fit in so that we can just feel loved and accepted by other people. The issue is that we're seeking validation for everything outside of us. And if you're seeking validation outside of you, you're never going to find true validation because true validation comes from yourself. And loving yourself and fully accepting yourself, nobody outside of you.

[00:12:37]

So it's kind of like the acceptance and the love that we're looking for from ourselves. We're actually trying to find in other people thinking that that's going to solve the problem that we actually have inside of ourselves.

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Not your looks will not change how you feel about yourself. Your money will not change how you feel about yourself. Your cars will not change how you feel about yourself, your job, your title, your body, your social media, following your social media likes none of those things will actually change the way that you feel about yourself. And you have to realize that. The only way to truly love yourself is to realize that, as you currently are, nothing needs to change.

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What needs to change? Has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with your acceptance of yourself, you have to learn first off before you change anything, before you become the person that you want to become. You have to fully love yourself and you should take that back, fully accept yourself as you are. If you're short, if you're fat, if you're skinny, if you're broke as hell, if you've ruined all of the relationships, your life, whatever it is, you have to learn to go.

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All right.

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Can I love myself? Can I accept myself right now? All of my negative thoughts, can I accept myself, all of my short temper, can I accept myself acceptance first? No judging. This is who I am. This is where I'm working off of this is my baseline and I love you for who you are, Rob. Can you say that to yourself, you know, the thing that's interesting is that we can judge the hell out of ourselves and we can judge the hell out of other people, but we really judge anything else besides ourselves and other people like you don't walk into a forest and just start judging the trees.

[00:14:19]

You know, you got a fat when you got a short, when you got skinny one, you got a broken one. You just look at them and you just accept them and appreciate them for what they are. Right. But we judge ourselves and we judge others. This person better than me. This person's worse than me. I'm better than that person. And what we're trying to do is we're trying to do that out of our own insecurities for just being accepted.

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Right.

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We live in a state of constant judging, whether that's judging ourselves or whether it's judging others. Am I good enough? Am I not good enough? Do I deserve love? Do I not deserve love? You have to allow yourself to just be a human being.

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You have to allow yourself to be a human being, be who you truly are. Learn to accept yourself as you are, all of your flaws, all of your fuckups. You're not achieving all of the things you lost, all of the things you the money that you don't have, all of that stuff you have to accept yourself for that.

[00:15:12]

The person that's under all of the makeup, the persons behind all of the edited social media posts, you have to rediscover who you are and think to yourself, before I lost this innocence, before I was socialized, who was I? What was my true heart as a child? What was my true soul as a child? How was I like I if I think back to myself before, you know, life happened, before bullying happened, before seeing advertisements that made me feel like I'm not enough.

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Who was I?

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I was just a sweet, little quiet kid. I used to go get rocks and bring them to my mom and get flowers and flowers and give it to her. I was just a quiet kid and then I learned what was right, quote unquote. Right, what was wrong, all of that stuff. And once again, it's nobody's fault. It's not your parents, it's not your fault, any of that stuff, but it's about rediscovering who are you, what do you love?

[00:16:05]

Maybe part of the thing is you've you've gone down a path of doing things that you don't love because you've been seeking acceptance from other people, from your parents, because that's what you thought they wanted you to do, what they want you go to school for, maybe because you wanted to make money to impress people or to have security.

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But it's a real rediscovery of who you are. And the question that goes with that is, what do you love? What do you love to do? What makes you excited? What makes you feel alive? You know, children don't do anything that doesn't make them feel alive or that they don't think it's fun unless they're forced to do it. Let's take all the forcing that you've been doing for the past 15, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 years and go, damn it, what do I love?

[00:16:46]

What makes me feel alive? And what I want you to do is make a list of it, write all that down and do more of that, wake up every morning and look at that piece of paper and say, how can I bring more of this into my life? The path of self-love and self acceptance is to do more of the things that you actually like. I don't give a damn about what anybody else thinks about you, what anybody else says about you, what you should and shouldn't do.

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Don't care about that. What do you want to do, man? What do you want to do, woman? What makes you feel alive? Do more of that stuff, you have to learn to fully accept yourself. There is nothing that you need to do. There's no one that you need to prove yourself to. There's no change that you need to make. There's no weight that you need to to lose in order to be loved, in order to be accepted.

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The path to self-love is self acceptance. And at some point in time, you learned that as you were was not good enough.

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Something happened. I don't know what it was. That's it for all of us, maybe it was your parents, maybe it wasn't, maybe it was cool, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was society, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was Instagram. I don't know. There was some point in time where you broke off and said, as I currently am, is not good enough. You need to go back, think about that, think about how you currently are and say, how can I accept myself more?

[00:18:05]

Because under all of the judgment is all of the self-love you're looking for, you don't have to work for self-love.

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You just need to remove all of the things, all of the judgments that are getting the way of self acceptance, because when you can fully accept yourself.

[00:18:19]

And all of your glory. That's when you find that you already love yourself. So that's what I got for you for today's episode, if you love this episode, if it impacted you in any sort of way, please share it on your Instagram stories and tag minute Rob Dale Junior RBD ALJ are the only way that we grow is from you guys actually sharing this.

[00:18:37]

So I greatly, greatly appreciate so many hundreds of people share this every single podcast episode right from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate you for doing so because more people need to hear messages like this and I'm really the same way I leave you every single episode, make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.