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I want to make a buck hey. Hey, I've been watching Rory and I have been watching these Columbo's episodes of Columbo from the 70s and they're unbelievable. They're all like movies. They look like movies from the 70s. They have that look. They're so brilliant. But then they're really odd.

But it's I love this show so much.

And Peter Falken, the character of Columbo. But as I'm watching it. I make this connection.

That what Howard Stern, the brilliance of Howard Stern in his interview technique is really just like Columbo because Columbo is this homicide detective, but he's bumbling and he he's kind of messy.

And you see the murder happen in the first half of like there's no mystery. We know the audience knows who the killer is. Columbo doesn't. So you're watching him piece it all together. So he comes onto the scene and he's talking to the murderer, you know, and the murderer. All the murderer's defenses are all up, you know, and like there's an episode where it's Ruth Gordon in a very rare role where she plays a rich person.

She plays an author, a novelist, I think a murder mystery novelist. Irrelevant. So. He comes in, he's talking to her, and, you know, all her defenses are up because who the fuck is this? And I killed somebody you got to, like, put on a real strong front.

But he comes in and he's bumbling and he asks just very simple, easy questions that make her relax and realize this guy's an idiot.

I have nothing to worry about, you know, and and then he leaves and her defenses are completely down. She feels confident and that just then he comes back and. Excuse me, ma'am, one more thing. And that's when he asks the hard question or you see that he has like he's got her.

No. Now, with Howard, he does the same thing, people go on that show and they're scared, you know, all their defenses are up. They've got a publicist up there saying, don't say anything crazy. You know, news picks up. You know, news outlets pick up stuff from Howard Stern all the time. We don't want to get in trouble. And so their defenses are up and Howard interviews them and he keeps it simple.

You know, he says just pretty ordinary questions, questions people would be interested in hearing the answers to, but nothing insane.

And slowly you start getting comfortable and you're porky pine needles go down.

And then he says, well, you've said it all. And he motions towards he signals that he's wrapping up. Now, you feel great, like you already feel like, oh, the interview is over. And I didn't say anything crazy.

And then he says one more thing, ma'am, but it's at Howard and he goes, Oh yeah, I did a great job. You said it all. Thank you so much for coming in.

Have you talked to Louis C.K.? And that's where he gets all the good stuff. So that's my Howard Stern Colombo analogy. So I forgot to tell you guys this, I, I was watching porn on PornHub. Or was it you porn? I'm not sure. And something popped up that I had never seen before and before I could like as I was trying to like X out of it, whatever I pressed, you know, they trick you like you go to X and that's like actually the button that says, OK, it's in the upper right corner where the X usually is or I don't remember what happened.

It's such a blur. I just wanted to get it off my screen while getting it off my screen. I actually pressed, OK, and what that was was something like, do you want our PornHub calendar app or calendar? I calendar some shit I press. Yes.

I immediately went, oh no, I was too late. And then I masturbated to a video and I forgot.

Then I was here at work, it was we were recording and I looked down to schedule, the next thing we were doing actually I think I was looking down at my schedule to see when I'd be available to be on their casts like bachelorette wrap up show with Nick Viall.

So I looked down and there are 20 to. New calendar reminders. On every upcoming day, 20 to all throughout the rest of my life on my calendar and there were from PornHub, they were like, I go, what could this be on my calendar? It's such a like the way the mob would say, hey, pay us to for protection money like so we won't beat you up. It was like some of it was porn stuff. Some of it was protect yourself from porn places.

Are you protected, is your information protected like all these things in my eye calenders if they were like things I had to remember to do, hey, remember to do this, you're fucked. What do you pay us extra for protection for your phone that we broke into. And that's what happened last time, remember I told you I got those emails from the person who is like, I have a camera that recorded you while you were on PornHub, and I'm going to send it to all your contacts, you know?

Uh, but anyway, luckily, sorry, I can't breathe out of my nose, and I'm I'm extra nasal today and I apologize.

Um. I looked up, I Googled it, you know, I'm pretty good at figuring out the exact right search words. For stuff, so I said. PornHub. I callander. Spam or something like that, and there's a whole page on Reddit. Of all people that this had happened to and a very simple fix, which is like go into your settings, blah, blah, blah, and you had to like make it. So you reject subscriptions to your calendar.

That's what it must have been. I agreed to a subscription from PornHub into my calendar, which is I don't know who that behooves. I would imagine that that's one hundred percent designed for people to make a mistake and and order that subscription. Who wants that subscription? Nobody so odd anyway. So I fixed it. That's my little story. Was it interesting?

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Be like Sarah. Where American giant, let's listen to voicemail's. Hi, Sarah. Hi. I just realized something crazy today, and I needed to tell someone, but I found out today that I am a drug addict, that I'm addicted to drugs. And it's been crazy because I just didn't know that that was something that you didn't sign up for, that it can just happen. I didn't make the decision to be a drug addict. I just looked at myself and I was like, oh, my God.

This is the thing that you see on the people that you think they all signed up for or they were like, I'll be a drug addict. And I just looked at myself and I'm like, wait, that's me now. I take a stimulant. And have the maximum dose possible and. I have 30 day prescription, and I was I went through it in eight days and to me, I was just continually justifying it, then I just look at myself now and I've got twenty two more days until I can refill my prescription.

And I was just like, holy shit, this is the behavior of a drug addict. And I didn't even know.

I didn't even know. Until right now. I'm really scared because I have twenty two more days to. To make this work anyway. Just fine when you discover little things about yourself. I did. I was that person. I mean, OK, thanks. Bye.

That's. Interesting, interesting. I mean, if he's realizing that, he's suddenly realizing it. And yet he's like, twenty two more days until what he can get another prescription.

Doesn't he it maybe this is so ignorant of me, an addiction. Of course, if he's addicted, but because he's so consciously, suddenly consciously aware, you'd think he'd be like, I got to stay away from this.

This is dangerous for me that he keeps saying, twenty two more days. So maybe he's planning on going all the way with that, I don't know. Isn't it funny he had this massive realization? These things don't happen, like when when those things happen or like trauma happens, it's easy. Sometimes people don't recognize it because we only see that stuff. In movies. We only recognize it in movies because stuff goes in slow motion and there's music that tells us like this is like a fuckin defining moment or traumatic moment, but we don't have that in real life.

You know, a traumatic thing happens. There's no slow motion. There's no music. It just happens in a moment. And then the next moment happens in the next moment happens. And then your mom brings you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and he just kind of forget it because it's easier to. And then several decades later, maybe you go. I was molested or whatever it is. It's so odd, it seems like it that can't be true, you know, when people go there, why didn't you call the cops or why didn't you people don't even realize it?

They don't recognize trauma in the moment.

Because there's no signifiers that we usually have. We don't know of that score. We don't have the the soundtrack. Time doesn't stop. So that you can understand that this is now a major event that's happening, it just goes keeps going over and over and over. And some people never recognize it or never look back and go. This happened to me and it affected this, this and this.

I did I did a movie where I played a drug addict, actually, and I learned so much about addiction, and the thing that I could really relate to with all sorts of other things is the notion of the high before the high, which is that moment when you decide I'm going to use and then you're just so high and in such a good mood before that happens because you've made that decision in your head and you're excited about it.

The high before the high, if you could find that in different places in your life, you know, you decide you're going to eat the cupcake in the refrigerator or whatever, and you're just like, you know, it's interesting.

Interesting. But with the yeah, life is not like movies, we forget that. We learn about life from movies so much and TV and art and shit. But when I the time I thought I lost my virginity. I was. In high school of senior, my best friend, and I decided, like, we've got to lose our virginity, we're 18 and I went to visit my sister in Boston and it was almost like set up to happen.

This guy slept over, we watched the movie Dead Ringers, which is about like twin gynecologist's murderers or something I barely remember anymore and nothing happened.

And then the next morning, my sister and my dad, I think, and a bunch of people were going to the AIDS walk and we stayed behind.

I don't remember this guy's name. It was like. A word like Brooks, his name was Brooks, oh, my God, and he was gorgeous in a way that, like, I was not personally attracted to him, but I knew that he was that girls would girls.

He was someone girls think is hot. And I guess that's just I was like, OK, so messed up, had long hair and a long beard and he was like, you know, and anyway, they all left for the AIDS walk.

And he we were going to do it.

And with no communication at all, no talking just like this was just decided.

And he gets an erection.

I mean, I don't think I blew him or did anything. He puts a condom on and he starts just pushing against my vagina, which at that time it turns out was just closed.

I mean, I don't know. It was like a wall. There was no hole. And he just pushed up against this wall. That was my vagina. And I thought that's what I thought we had sex, I thought that was sex, and then he gave up looking back and I remember he said, you know, it's not like how it is in the movies. Sarah, I was like, I know.

But I looking back, he was saying, like, this didn't work.

And that's how it is sometimes.

But in my mind, we had just had sex and that's what sex is.

So then when I did really lose my virginity to a comedian in New York City, when I was a comedian at 19, he was a virgin.

And I was like, no. And then we had sex and while we were having and I was turned on because I was into him and I did have a whole, it turned out. And while we're having sex, I thought to myself. Oh, no, I have definitely not had sex before and I enjoyed it, and then when it was over, he got up and he flipped back the sheets and there was like butterflies of blood all over the seats.

And I was like, had that out of body like horror.

And I didn't know what to say. So I was just like. That came out of you. But it didn't. There are a couple of times I lied like that. You know, there are a couple times I just blatantly lied like that in in moments of horror and I'm not usually a liar.

But I said that came out of you and he said, no, it didn't. It's OK, just buy me new sheets. The other time I lied. Like a rug. Was when I was 15 and I, I would do I was an apprentice in summer stock in Manchester, New Hampshire, and in the summer New York City actors would come. They go all throughout the country and they put on shows, you know, and I'd get to be in the chorus of those shows.

And but I also like had to paint the stage and do stuff like that. And I loved it. And I made friends with all these New York City actors and stuff and then this before cell phones or anything.

But any time I had a presence coming, like my birthday or Hanukkah, I asked for a plane ticket to New York City, which was fifty dollars from Boston to New York.

So I went to visit one of these actors whose name was Ron Gibbs, and he said through his day job, he got one night at the Waldorf Astoria Hotel so I can just stay there. So I said, I'm 15 and I'm staying in a hotel room and at the Waldorf Astoria and I. I don't think I realized that you were it's you get billed for it, but I watched porn all night long.

I mean, I just couldn't believe it was available. I had never seen it before. And I I watched every single one that was available. I and I probably masturbated to it all night long.

And then the next morning he came to pick me up and he was at the front desk and he looked uncomfortable and he said, there's a two hundred dollar charge for adult movies.

And I was like.

I know he was like, you didn't order adult movies, and I was like, No one, no. So there's another time I just straight up lied because I was just horrified. And I'm sure you must have known. We got Ron Gibbs phone number via Twitter and I have it here, he's expecting my call, but he doesn't know what it's about because I want to keep it.

All right. Here we go. Fresh. Well, Ron. Sarah, hi, thank you for doing this.

Of course, I'm a little nervous.

All right, you're on the air. You don't have anything to be nervous about.

Here's my question. When I was 15, maybe 16, I went to New York City to visit you. Do you have any does that ring a bell and do you any funny stories come up in your mind? Well, a couple things when you first got there. First of all, I couldn't believe your parents were letting you come to New York City either, Ishmail saying, No, strange man, I knew them. And, you know, we got on well.

But even so, you you got there and we got on the train to go up to my place. And we were talking and we missed our stop. And so we got out at 66 three, turn around and go. I'm trying to go back to my place and start up again. And then I know we were just talking and have been in a couple of months, I guess. And then we went, I wanted to take you up to get a bagel at each and age of 84 street.

You remember that? Oh, no. Oh, so we went up to get a bagel. And we go outside the shop and you upstairs on the ground. Oh. And you think you were so frustrated. You kicked it really hard and it flew across eighty first street and hit a woman in the back of the head. Oh my God. That's awful. I remember that.

I have no recollection of that. Well, she barely registered. I mean, she barely noticed it in the bagel every day. And you and I laughed so hard I thought I was going to vomit, but I don't remember any of it.

This is Gauld, because that's not why I'm calling at all. That's not the memory I have. OK, so anything else or do you remember? Oh, my God, you had a day job where you had they had given you one night free at the Waldorf Astoria.

Yeah, OK, OK, so I'm remembering this, right. And you said, why don't you just stay at the Waldorf and I'll stay in my apartment.

Yes, you know, funny stories attached to this in your mind, the next morning you came to pick me up and you were at the front desk settling up, which should have been zero dollars, anything.

I remember that much. I can't believe you remember me kicking a bagel and us missing stops on the subway and you don't remember this.

You were so sweet. And you you looked at me perplexed and you said there's a two hundred dollar charge on the room for adult movies.

I do, you do? I do, and I said, I don't know what that.

I have no idea because that was the first time I remember just flat out lying.

Did you know I was lying? I thought either you were lying or that you had it on and didn't realize you had to pay. But I thought you had it on. I thought you watched it.

Yeah, I watched porn all night because I couldn't believe I could see naked people having sex. I was just I blew my mind. And furiously masturbated all night long to porn, only to find out that it was all on record.

Oh, God. Yeah, well well there you go. I had a good time job then, so I'm sure I could find I felt awful.

Well, I can't remember if they, like, took the charges off. Like I remember it was the guy behind the desk and you and me standing there.

And it was like an out of body experience for me because I was so horrified and so embarrassed.

Oh, gosh. Well, you know, so I always thought. I always wondered. You can get it. Yeah. I always wondered, Ron, really, he must have known and just been polite.

Well, you know, the truth is, I wanted to believe you and I guess I must have believed you. I don't remember if I wound up paying it or took it off or if I paid half of it. I'm not sure. Oh, God, I made you two hundred dollars.

Two hundred dollars in nineteen eighty seven.

Eighty six. I think it was I think it was eighty six to actually it was, I was 15. I mean it's a total of eighty six. We don't need anyone out there to do math but no.

Oh my God I well I just it was a fun trip and you stayed at the Waldorf one night.

You stayed at my apartment. Yeah.

But I watched no porn in your apartment. Okay. Good to know.

Well, I'm so glad we cleared that up. I've always wondered because this story just occurred to me when I was hanging out with my boyfriend and my parents.

And I told them the story and I thought, oh, my God, he's he must have known I was lying and just horrified.

But I always wondered. So I'm glad to reconnect.

And now I have even more story to tell them now and not them.

Yeah, but I now I have a whole new story where I kicked a bagel into the back of a woman's head who was so jaded by New York City life she didn't even flinch.

That's right. She didn't even flinch. She, like, brushed the back of her hair like she thought maybe there was a fly on it. And you know what else? Oh, Markku Jovic, I went I hung out with him, I think that trip and he was he was he took me to his work where he was a waiter. And I would go like two tables where he was waiting tables and be like this man played Che in Avita and he's incredible.

And he'd, like, be like, Sarah, please. I'm just like bringing them cheese fries.

But I was so proud. I was like, you don't understand. He's a star.

And he also taught me to floss either flop note to floss my teeth.

Oh, I actually think he may be the one who told me that death creeps in through the gums.

Oh, that's hilarious. Wow. I've lost everything since I was 12. You have lost. Every day. Yeah, me too, since I was 15. Makes a big difference.

All right. I better go and finish my podcast, OK, even though I could talk to you forever.

You too. Thank you for letting me call.

Of course. Again. OK. All right. Sounds good. OK, love you. Love you too. Bye. Thanks.

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Hi Sarah. I love your podcast and all of your work. While listening to the podcast though, I did notice one thing which I was curious what you thought about it.

You know, you'll make some point or tell a story, a thought process that is so valid and insightful.

And then oftentimes at the end you'll say, but what do I know?

What am I talking about? Or you'll apologize for it, like with the Jewish representation that you were discussing and saying, well, I'm sorry for bringing this up, but just let me have this one.

And I was thinking how this is something that women, you know, even as girls we are trained to do by society, which is to make sure if we give an opinion that might be a little too strong, that we finish it by saying, well, you know, sorry or oh, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, just to make sure that we haven't offended anyone or we remain remain likeable.

And so when I heard you do something like that, I thought, well, Sarah doesn't need to do that.

Like of all people, you know, you're you just make such valid points and definitely no need for an apology or anything like that. So anyway, I'm curious your thoughts on that. Thanks. Bye.

I have so many thoughts on that. First of all, that's an interesting observation. And of course, I know what you're talking about as little girls. It's so ingrained in us to almost as a means of survival, take care of men's feelings, especially if we are about to reject them, if we are about to disagree with them. There's a kind of. A qualifier, an apology worked into it, and it isn't just subservience, but survival because we know so many men.

Hear that, and it feels like shame and they can't process shame, it's like if we're talking about our body and sugar, that kind of stuff, it can't process, is it? It can't process it. So it converts it into kind of outward rage. And we may not be able to articulate that in our brains, but we know that from a very young age that that can be scary. You know, they say, you know, it's the old saying is like a man's biggest fear is being laughed at by a woman.

And a woman's biggest fear is that a man will kill her. You know, so a lot of that is that in terms of this. And it's interesting, Diane are the producer. Said wrote, you know, titled This call Trained to Qualify, which is very well put, but in this case, I do think it's a little bit different because I'm I'm saying my opinion and and and.

And my opinions may be strong, but they also might be I might change it tomorrow, I might, even as I'm saying it, especially with the Jewish the Jewish rolls thing. I'm not qualifying it, but I'm I would say I'm comfortable with the uncertainty that that this is correct or I'm comfortable not knowing if this is how I'm going to feel, you know, ten minutes from now. But it's how I'm feeling right now. So I do kind of give it a qualifier a lot of times and say, hey, look, I'm talking out of my asshole right now.

And I also think.

I don't think it's like false humility or anything, I just think it's honestly the truth. I do think I have something to say. I do think, you know, I've spent most of my life. Sitting in a chair and thinking, you know, just like about stuff and that I I'm I'm fairly qualified to have, you know, I'm certainly qualified to have an opinion. You know, I know that apology thing you're talking about.

You know, there's the I'm sorry, but it's actually ba ba ba ba ba. You know, like it's we're just so we pad everything with apologies.

To protect ourselves, you know, but I don't think this is quite that, and I, I hate to think that you are disappointed in me for qualifying, you know, takes that I have.

And and maybe you're right. But I think that I'm qualifying them.

There's a there was a reason for it because, you know, it's it's it's not fact, per say. It's just what I think. Well, maybe you're right, I don't know. Look what I just did, I didn't even realize it, but I did that thing. I did the thing that you said. All right, what else we got?

Hey, Sarah, love and respect you so much. Thanks for all you do to the caller with the question about the big the two large penis and your pocket pussy invention. This device already exists. It's called the doughnut o h and u t. And it's it's like a buffer toy that fits around the base of the penis and is adjustable.

Check it out. I'm not affiliated with this company at all. I've just seen it a bunch and yeah the the o the o nut o h and t it looks super cute. Check it out by. I did hear about this because people responded and mentioned that it's different than my idea, my idea is like an extender to your asshole.

This is a goes on the. The root, what is it, the base of your penis, so that it's like a stopper root, was that wrong?

I think that's the yoga term for your asshole actually root.

But there's the oh, not that that's a better idea because the person can just go hard and that's what feels good. It's not like I don't think you have. Do you guys have sensation on the base of your penis? Not really. Right.

I mean, you feel it, but it's not like you you don't touch it to.

It's more like the top maybe. Oh, not you did it again. And then like a circle like this, you learn the information to buy, oh, not all right. What else? Hi, Sarah. My name's Erin. Love you.

Love your show. I think you're brilliant and a big fan for years. Anyways, I'm a chef.

And I was wondering what you think about the fact that Congress has not passed any sort of relief bills for our industry and that the org Caligula that's what I call Trump, because Caligula also fucked up.

Family members are wanted to right the fact that he hasn't done anything and thought it was better to bail out the cruise industry that employs way less people than the restaurant industry anyway.

Is love your thoughts. Love you.

I was thinking about this the other day, actually, because it dawned on me.

That Republicans love saying. The Democratic leaders of states are shutting everything down and taking your jobs away from you and you have no way of making money, and aren't they terrible for doing that? Well. Yeah, you can't shut down a small businesses and then pay them no relief money, that's the piece the Senate's not getting to because the House has desperately been pushing for massive covid relief money, especially for all people and especially for small businesses, restaurants, et cetera.

And what the Senate did with that is they went on on break and left it there, so they love being able to point to the left and saying they're shutting down the economy and fucking you.

But they there's two pieces to that they're shutting down states because covid is rampant and people aren't wearing fucking masks because the leader of the free world doesn't think it's cool.

And has given no federal aid, has left it all to the states to decide what to do about covid not no federal aid, huge conglomerates that Joel Osteen got, I think, two and a half million dollars in federal aid.

And he's not even hurting, he's a zillionaire who fucks over people who just want to have God in their life and trust him.

And makes it has not stopped making money just because as megachurches closed the sees on TV every night.

You know, it's like so there's always money when you're, you know, from Obama bailing out the banks in 2008 to bailing out airlines, bailing out giant Trump hotels, got a giant bailout. There's plenty of money when it comes to that, when it comes to subsidizing giant entities, when it comes to war, when it comes to the military industrial complex and the prison industrial complex. Those are things, right, Rodge?

Yeah, but when it comes to. Pandemic relief to Americans, to all Americans. Where are we going to get the money from when it comes to health care for every citizen? Where are we going to get the money from? Fuck you. This is why we need to elect people to office. And not.

Empty vessels through which lobbyists speak, but people, teachers, organizers, front line workers and so many are running ran in this past election, a lot got elected running in runoffs and certainly in twenty twenty two will be running and vote the men, people, people who work actual jobs and and want to represent. Those are the people we want to represent us. All right, sorry, I got really on a fucking high horse there. Hey, Sarah, this is evil, Carlos.

I was just wondering if you pooped at Rory's house yet. Thanks. Great question, evil Carlos, great question, I. Don't like to talk about it, I don't like to talk about myself as someone who poops, but yes, I have.

We've kind of developed a system. Because in the beginning, when I would sleep at his house, he'd be like, we'd wake up in the morning and go, You want coffee? And I'd go, Nope, it's like if I had coffee in the morning, I could not hear. No. Then he kind of pieced it together. You guys have at this. We'll have coffee and then maybe I'll take Mary for a walk again. All right, I'll have coffee.

Hey, Sarah, my name's Eric Schiffer, and first of all, happy birthday to you. I know that your birthday is December 1st, 1970, because my birthday is December 2nd, 1970. So I guess I've always had a thing for older women. But anyway, I think you're amazing. I wanted to comment on the thing about the undoing, you know, using non Jewish people to play Jewish parts from the book. I think what it is, is Judaism is one of the last bastions where it's OK to kind of be a little racist from time to time, because I think had you put Asian characters replace them or had you taken black characters and replaced them, there would have been holy hell.

But somehow when you do that with Jews, no one really seems to care. So I think that's where it comes from. I totally agree with you. I think you're dead on. Your podcast is great. Happy birthday. Take care. Bye bye. Bye bye.

Thank you. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, that's a good point.

Because Jews. Are they a breakfast cereal or are they a floor wax? You know, is it a race? Is it an anation? Is it a nationality? Have us are godless like me. It's a culture. I guess so. But yeah, boy, people just so many people fucking hate Jews, it is like it's just and that's why I think Jews are obsessed with pointing out anti-Semitism.

And maybe, too, to trigger happy with that, you know, because if you and I'm sure a lot of people of other cultures and races and religions can relate to this, it's it's really a gas in the air.

You feel it. You feel it. So when it's something tangible that you can point to, it's very exciting.

But yeah, I mean, I don't know why people hate Jews so much. I mean, I get a little sure. But so much. We're only one fifth of one percent. Of the world. Like, if you round down, they're zero of us. So fucking relax, Jews will not replace you, Brad. Now, Brad might be a Jewish name.

Tyler well.

But with so few of us, then the superguy names that stick out wines, Dean Epstein, it's brutal.

I don't know when I hear Eppstein. I hear my sweet one, Eppstein, the greatest sweat hog of all time. Who'd bring in a note from his mother?

And it would say that Eppstein, you know, whatever can't do blah, blah, blah, blah, and then it would be signed Epstein's mother and that's the show my dad likes when I say a very definitive goodbye.

So, Dad, this is me wrapping it up and saying subscribe, rate and review wherever you listen to podcasts and check us out on YouTube if you like, seeing it with your eyeholes.

And Dad, I'm saying goodbye. Good bye. Hey, hey, hey, yo, fuck up. A total wine has thousands of wines to savor and pairings for every flavor. Spirits lined the shelves.

Gifts are easy with helpful elves. A wonderland to explore total wine and more could responsibly be 21.