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Hey, up. Hey, hello. Um. Folks are in town, they're there, they've been living out here, it's been great, a little backyard dinner every Saturday. My dad, everyone loves my dad, but he he insists he only has two friends. And only one of them has Alzheimer's, so he feels pretty lucky, his friend with Alzheimer's. It's pretty interesting because they've known each other since camp. And they always were big practical jokers and had big elaborate schemes together.
And now that he has Alzheimer's, he's kind of doing exactly what his friend would want him to do, which is fuck with him every single day. He calls them up because. Hey, I bet you use Gillette. Shaving cream, my friend goes. Let me check, goes to the bathroom, comes back, I do. How do you know that? And I bet you use a I bet you use. Old Spice deodorant. His friend goes, I I think I let me look, I do.
How did you know that? My dad's like I just I you seem like that kind of guy. But I feel like if his friend. Was cognizant of this, he would approve because this was the relationship they had, they created this game called Mr. Wizard, that is so. Smart and I did it even when I had the Hulu show, I Love You America, I did it with the writers there, which is. I have somebody in the room pick a card.
And. And then I have beforehand emailed my dad a little fun facts and buy like mini biographies and fun facts about all the writers on the show. And he has it on stand by, then I have one of them pick a card. Say the card is four of diamonds, then I call my dad and when he picks up the phone, I say, Hello, Mr. Wizard. Now that tells him to go right into it. I go, Hello, Mr.
Wizard. Holy shit, can you hear all those sirens? I hope everyone's OK. I hope it's just a cat in a tree. I'm sure that's what it is. So I go, Hello, Mr. Wizard, and he right away goes, Ace, two, three, four, and I when he says four, I go, Good, how are you? So then he knows it's four and then he goes, Queen diamonds, spades. Very good.
Yes. I've got someone who wants to talk to you. So now he knows it's four of spades. His name is Kyle. Then my dad quickly scans, looks up Kyle. I put him on the phone. He's like, Kyle, I hear you have a do Instagram characters, whatever, and your card is four of spades. So it's pretty impressive. I didn't explain it very well, but it's pretty impressive.
But the thing that was hilarious when we did it at the show was my dad was so loud, everyone could hear him go ace two, three, four. It was kind of blown. But you can see it's a pretty genius idea, and the little details about people is always what gets gets people as well. So, yeah, he has one of his two friends, has Alzheimer's, but he's really making the most of it, which I approve of.
Because the thing about Alzheimer's is. I mean, I think when you are diagnosed with it, it's I can't imagine how terrifying that is, but if it just takes hold without you realizing it, you know, senility and that kind of stuff, it's it's awful. But I try to take solace in that. It's. It's like, no, I don't mean to compare this to putting a pet to sleep, but, you know, people go, I had to put my dog to sleep and I know I've done that and I know how devastating it is, but I take solace in that.
They're fine. It you're the one in pain. And I can handle that better knowing that it's I'm the one in pain. And I think with Alzheimer's, which is just awful. But I. I could be wrong, so call tell me if I am, but I think it's you can take solace in knowing that it's hardest on the family. It's not I don't know, there must be like a part of, like cognitive being cognizant of it, and that frustration must be like a horror movie.
So maybe I take it back.
But you know what I'm saying right now, as this hasn't been a very funny opening. Has it I feel like I have something better to tell you. There's one thing I wanted to mention real quick. Mr. Wizard was created in five, it was published in the Sphinx, God damn it. This is classic Schleppy Silverman, he always says he invents things that he didn't invent. He also said that he invented this camp song called That was like Odone Tobacco Done Tobacco.
Could you be so mean to love or have invented something then? I don't know how it goes. Well, he taught it to us and he said that he invented it. Then we go to camp and everyone singing it and we're like, Oh my God, our dad wrote that song. Yeah, my dad is a massive plagiarists, so, well, thank you for telling me that. God damn it, mother fucker, this guy, so he doesn't have an original bone in his body and yet.
It's almost what makes them original, this mother, this shyster that is my father. He also he gave an incredible he was always the guy that people ask to give speeches and shit and stuff, and there weren't really Jews in New Hampshire, but there was a tiny little Jewish community. And my dad was asked I never went to a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah growing up or had Jewish friends or had one myself. But he had a friend, a Jewish friend that had a kid that had a bar mitzvah.
And he asked my dad to make a speech, will my dad makes this speech. Everyone's talking about it. It's so beautiful. It's so powerful about being a Jew. And it turns out he stole it from some musical called. Purley Yeah, Pearlie And it was a speech about being black and he just substituted Jewish. Just just just appropriation at its not at its height. I don't I think whoever wrote Perley is like used it for a bar mitzvah substitute a Jew and I would really get under.
The authors, you it's not like Bo Derek. Bo Derek's braids or something, or, you know. I mean, not that Bo Derek is to blame. I mean, but, you know. You know, I'm talking about. Come on, you know what I'm saying? That motherfucker, my dad. Oh, when I see him again tomorrow. We should probably call my dad right now. OK, let's do a Mr. Wizard. Well, now everybody knows the trick and we'll just do an open hand of Mr.
Wizard. We can hear him. All right, so let's say. Let's just say Kahlan. Kahlan Salekhard. Kahlan, yeah, like to say you're picking a card from a deck of cards. I mean, look. King of spades, this will be now he's going to he's going to go through the entire. How do I call him? Oh, yeah, he texted me, he made a video for for me, for a thing, and I said, look down the barrel of the.
Camera, no, he's looking completely somewhere else. All right, I'm calling them. Is this going to go? It probably is. He spends most of his day in the pool. Apartment, his apartment pool. While Superman and gentleman, shiny, priceless. OK, well, he's not there. That's his outgoing message. The gentleman, Johnny Priceless, is his name to a couple of his poker buddies or something. We'll try it again. And it will be.
Glorious, maybe not glorious, but he's always a good time, I'll give them. Maybe he'll call me back and I'll notice I'll try to keep an eye on it. I did. I was looking at some of the. I was playing Call of Duty World War Two a lot. And I mentioned this on Seth Meyers, I did a show to promote this, but it made me remember it. It made me laugh, is that I I did I do have a pitch for Activision, for a call of duty World War to game.
What it would be is Call of Duty, World War Two, Colon Peace time. And what it is, is you go back, you know, in like 1980. What is it? Thirty five years later? Forty five in the. Thirty five years later, though, NASA and. You bring your family. Call of duty, World War to call in peace time, it's 1980. You're an older person. And you're back, and this time you've brought your family and the maps would be so cool, you know, because it would be like.
Great restaurants. And, you know, meet the kid, the grown adult child you didn't know you had. Boutique hotels. ET cetera. I don't know, I feel like in the like craze of like Red Dead Redemption and, you know, these just like being a cowboy, hanging out or like animal crossing, this is like the kind of chill progression a call of duty could could take. Think about it, Activision. Think about it. He'll sleep, helix sleep.
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But the shit works who we got.
What books would you suggest for young people want to convert to Judaism? Is this like a Scottish child? That wants to convert to Judaism on my. Holy shit, that's so fucking cute. Can we hear it one more time? What books would you suggest for young people want to convert to Judaism? What books? Oh, my gosh, I mean, I don't know, I'm I'm super Jewish, just in, like, my pores. It you know, but I'm I have I'm godless, my sister's a rabbi, but I don't know.
I mean, I'm really a terrible Jew, but I'll you know, what I used to do is I should adopt this child and then you'll be Jewish because your mom is Jewish. That's the rules. Dems, the rules. Oh, my God. A little Scottish Jew. Mummy, mummy, can I have a penny? Mummy, can I have a pen? I want to buy a mezuzah. I'm not good at accents, Mummy. Mommy, can you make me some Soubry, I'm hungry, I need a little nosh, Mommy.
Give me a little nosh. I'm switching over here. Mummie. I mean, spritzing in my kilt. Can I put on some shorts? No, I like you in a kilt. It's funny. Momi. You call this Gaviota Fish Mummy, this is Scheidt. This gefilte fish is Scheidt. Mommy, why do you cut the tip of my wish, my wish, Mikhailov? Why'd you cut the tip of my wish, MIKHAILOV, Mommy. It was just a wee Smekal.
Now it's more we. Mummy, you twat, lazy twat over there, and it's not it's more just like asshole. Well, it is like asshole. But front. Mummy, you, twatt. Everybody else, everybody else's parents said they can go stepping a twat, mom. And the whole reason you gave me Butkus. Oh, I don't I don't know if that's a girl or a boy or a maybe non binary Chappellet, a child that's got a little accent book.
What kind of book? I love you. And so that's what's so amazing about the Internet with all its Michy gas, with all this Machakos mom. It's just to connect globally. I love when we get at a country. All right, what else do we have? This is great things from Finland, I don't know if this is a secret. Well, actually it's not, but I found it interesting anyway, so I wanted to know that how many calories do I burn while masturbating?
So I connected my faith based and I learned that I burned roughly one hundred and twenty calories per nut, which means that if I masturbate 30 times a month, which given the current circumstances, it's an understatement, to be honest, that means that I would be burning one pound of pure fat per month just for masturbating and putting. I find that interesting. Have a good five. I find, first of all, I just don't think of people from Finland as jerking off, and that's my.
That's just, you know, ignorance on my part, of course, everybody does that, but I you know, I just or if they do, it's probably with a precision and an ergonomic kind of they probably do it in a very. Like, it'd probably be done, like usually you see someone jerking off is there's like a pile of laundry there or whatever, but this is like I feel like he would be in a very kind of like a like a three legged chair.
Made by, you know. Artisan's. You know, I like I really I don't know, I'm really into using nut as a verb. I mean, there's something like.
Nuts, it's funny to me, but it also is like. And I will say sexy, but sexual, like there's something taboo about it, there's something like Pawni about it too, to use nut as a verb for ejaculate. You'd think that he would use he's from Finland. You'd think he'd use Finnish. But he used nut nut, I find that that gives me a little tingle, know why? You should call it finish eng because he's finace.
You know, yeah, I'm a comedian, but is everything going to be a home run? No. Some of it's just going to be. A pun or a some kind of wordplay, but it is about jerking off, so it kind of hurts both demographics. You know, it's like feel like someone who wants to hear a joke about jerking off isn't really into wordplay. So my Finnish joke is probably for no one or maybe it's for everyone or maybe there's some nesh.
Finnish. I don't know how that sentence ends. That's a lot of calories. I mean, yeah, if you can keep from coming longer. You'll burn more calories, that's a lot. That's that's that's one he's I mean, I think a lot of men have a lot of people, if they're right handed or whatever their dominant arm is, that's the more developed arm. They say, you know, you could jerk off with your left hand.
It feels like someone else is doing it. And it's probably better for them, just like equalizing the workout. But I mean, I feel like if I put a Fitbit and I masturbated, it wouldn't even say any steps. It would just be like because it's just like. It's more just like it's not the same thing. I don't think you burn like I would burn calories, I think they'd be more like ab abs contracting than like a hand going up and down.
I don't do this. I'm more just like. I mean, we don't have to get into it. I'm not embarrassed, I'm honestly, I'm holding back because I don't want to embarrass you, the listener. That was me being having being able to edit myself and having a little discretion and a little. A gesture of care to you to to save your ears from my personal masturbation style, although I've talked about it a lot. Um, shall we move on?
That was I don't need to talk that much about that. I'm sorry. There's a little error.
Think about the Secret Service agents that are attached to the Trump like man. They've worked their whole lives to get to this position. And now. They've got to protect. This asshole take a bullet for. That's going to be a kick in the nuts. It's a very heavy show, not as a verb, not as nuts as a. Now, an. I'd like to bring back nuts, like just the like clean. Kind of. Make America great again, Erra.
Leave it to Beaver, just like gun nuts. All Raspberry's. Nuts, I forgot my keys. Oh, no, no, but in my mind, I'll be thinking of nuts like balls, like testicles. On nut's. I mean, I don't think that's the original intention of like, oh, nuts. Oh, darn, like they're not talking about peanuts, nuts, are they? Peanuts, nuts. This podcast is brought to you by peanuts.
Nuts. Have them with milk, eat them plain, eat them right out of the sack. Penis nuts. Oh, yes, Secret Service, sorry, I forgot about the question, the comment, the thought, the message, the voicemail. Yeah, can you imagine that secret being a secret training? To just give your life to protect someone you've watched the bodyguard growing up, you go, I'm going to do that. I'm going to protect the president.
And then the president is like Chuck E. Cheese. It's like a. You know, I mean, I guess that's the military, you you sign up for the military and you. You to defend this country. And then, you know, Dubea sends sends you out for just. Because of a made up lie about weapons of mass destruction and you die for it. You die for that. Because of because George W. Bush had like daddy issues, that is probably what war is about ultimately.
It's people killing other people, they're not really sure why they're not supposed to be political, but they've got to kill those people for some dude. Who? Q Who is making choices based on an unexamined life usually stems from. Daddy issues. Pretty wild, pretty wild stuff, care of, care of is, let me tell you what it is, it is a wellness brand that makes it easy to maintain your health goals with a customized vitamin plan that helps you feel your best today and supports you long term.
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I think we. Another voice mail, rather. I'm wondering what your favorite color is and also. What is your favorite destination to travel to either within the continental US or internationally? Well, Tom, I don't have a favorite color, I guess, because I'm. Over 10 favorite color. I don't know, I like myriad colors and I use that word correctly.
There are colors and I'm not crazy, but I am very aesthetically. Like, things feel great on my eyes or I don't like the way they feel on my eyes. So, you know, I'm not going to shit on your question, take a big I don't mean to nut on your question. What is my favorite color, really? And so that's. And what's my favorite destination?
No, no, I mean, I'm a I love going to L.A., being in New York because I love being in New York, New York City, I love it, but I am always curious about destination.
I'm not I don't have a travel bug and I'm not proud of it. I feel like I would love to travel. I just don't like the travel part. But I'm just being a pussy. I'm being a. Nuts, I'm being a fragile scrotum about it, trying to relearn that. Like, pussy doesn't even make sense to call them pussy, obviously, pussies are like. Pushout entire living beings and bounce back almost at least 60 percent. Scrotums are like.
Like Fabergé eggs. I mean, what is this guy's got balls. Balls are like this, we need to be in the exact right temperature at all times. I am cold. I've got to get up close to the body. Oh, my God, I need to get low, lower. Are we talking about. Oh, traveling, yeah, I wish I had more of a travel bug, I feel like I'd love to see parts I went to just doing press junket stuff.
I had to go to Ireland and I was there for twenty four hours, but I like. Dublin, and I wanted to try to just. Go outside of the hotel and see a little bit and talk to people and I just for being there a day, I, I liked a lot. My mom always loved Ireland. I think she married an Irishman, Irishman, is that Jewish? But I mean, he's from Scranton, but he. He's an Ohara.
But I don't I'd like to go places I had a dream once and I won't go into it because dreams are boring. But I have a. If I haven't told you before, I have a very active dream life and I, I really need to be there a lot. I feel like when people go, I go, you sleep so much, but it's like I'm I'm busy when I'm sleep, I'm there's a lot going on and also, like, onus of proof on you.
Prove to me that's not the re the real place, I mean, this is the. The figment. But I did have a dream once that was I won't go into it, but it was so vivid and so beautiful and I woke up sobbing from beauty and I wanted to find this place. And I just thought of like I was trying to think of any search words that would conjure this place that I could see in my mind. And the closest I could find was a chilly.
So I think maybe I'd like to go to Chile. Don't know now, now I want to go to Scotland and find that kid that wants to be Jewish. Oh, the one thing I have seen a lot of the world is because I got Occulus Quest, my friend Reggie Watts, like he he just showed up at my apartment once and gave me an Occulus Quest. And it's like you can exercise and their games. You can kill zombies, but you are.
It's crazy, I mean, I probably don't you probably know this, but you put this thing on and it's like you're in China, you're in Beijing, you're in Sweden, you're in the Alps, you're in the Grand Canyon. You're like and it's it feels like you're there. It's so real. You look around, you walk around, it's fucking bananas. So I count that as a little bit of travel, worldly travel. You know, I'm a standup, I, I travel all the time, mostly domestically.
And so when I'm, you know, other than during this entire pandemic, but in my old life and perhaps my future life, I travel a lot. So when I have free time, I don't want to travel more. I want to be in I want to be at home and watch TV. And I it's I get to be on my deathbed and be like, I'm so glad I stayed home and watched TV. I don't know, probably not.
Yeah, huh? Maybe I'll travel. But not any time soon, soon. Well, let's call my dad again, just give him a try. Hey, Sarah, I at the pool, and I'm told you on my phone, my watch here, you see here. Oh, wait, you can't. But I'm calling Mr. Wizard. Right now, I can call Mr Windsor later. Yeah, yeah, eight, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Jack Queen. King. Good. How are you? I'm good. We had. Diamonds, spades, clubs, oh. What was that again? Hot diamonds. Oh, Visi, that's right. It was wonderful to talk to you. We thought you should talk to. Yeah. Oh, his name is Kahlan. OK, OK. You're on with the Kaylan.
Are you OK? Out here, how are you doing? How are you doing? I'm Mr. Wizard. Who the hell are you? Hey, hey, what time did you pick a card? I think the card. Wait a second, is the slaughter number, is it? It's not oh, no, it's not. No, with is the Jack Queen King. Probably not to Jack is just as troubled as the queen. She's just the mother isn't the king.
It's the king of king of spades. Yes. Wow. He was wonderful talking to you.
It was wonderful talking to you. Well, Buddy Holly.
Thanks, Dad. That was great. Well, hold on, I have one more thing to say to you. Yeah, you didn't make up Mr. Wizard.
It was made up in, like 1940 when we saw it online.
Oh, shit. You did not invent Mr. Wizard. I swear I love you, baby, I love you, dear.
Bye bye. Unfazed. There is a little open hand of Mr. Wizard now, you know, now you know the trick invented by not my father. He was in the pool, he was trying to blow me off, but he couldn't couldn't resist a little misdoings. Oh, my God. Hold on. I took screen grabs of this as my glasses on for this.
I got blackmailed to tell you guys this. I got blackmailed. All right. They tried to blackmail me. This is fucking so great. We're fucking shysters. There are in this world. Wait, let me find it. A tox screen, grabs of a tox screen, grabs of it. OK. It's by the way, the font of this email is like. Really interesting, like the Argo's, anyway, it doesn't matter. This is the email, I'm going to read it to you.
This is Spam. It's designed to scare me and blackmail me. But, you know, unfortunately for them, I found it delightful and hilarious because I. I make no bones about dipping into a little pawn here and there, as everybody does. The subject line says, I caught you masturbating. Hi, exclamation point. I will be direct, you watch adult content often, not that often, and I caught you masturbating, masturbating in bold. We all do it from time to time.
How I did this, your router was vulnerable. I was able to inject some code into the firmware and every device connected on the network, including phones, was compromised. Then I set every device available to record with the camera only when you watch adult content.
First of all, I obviously there's a sticker on the back of my phone, as you can see that for covering my phone hole. All right. I also got your contact lists, phone numbers, emails, social media contacts, and here's the deal, if you don't pay me nine hundred and fifty dollars worth in Bitcoin.
I will send your masturbation video and search history to all of your contacts. Amount zero point zero eight seven BTC, approximately Bitcoin address part one one Elzy k e j six nine six one ex k e seven a p nine h. Bitcoin address part two for E R seven, jf D to G for an S eight six VM important Colen, you must put the two parts together. Parentheses Bitcoin address part one in Bitcoin address part two with no spaces between them.
You may also save that somewhere. Not to lose the details. Thanks for the tip. Here's a quick tip you can buy Bitcoin from packs full, use Google to find it. It's kind of odd during a blackmail letter, a little little promo, in case you wonder why you're an anti viruses were not triggered, is because my code is not set to steal passwords, PIN codes and other sensitive details. The only function is to record with the cameras in silent mode and grab the contacts.
I know that you have that amount of money that is requested, so don't worry about your passwords and bank accounts. However, for your mental peace, go and change them. You have 72 hours, three days to send the payment when coins are submitted. The video with you doing. You know what? Will be destroyed and you will never hear from me again next time, cover your cameras, somebody may watch it, limit yourself to one time per month if you can't go completely, no fap.
And then they didn't sign it. I mean, I thought, gee, I wonder if there's a way they got my email address from, like you porn or PornHub, but I don't get my email address to that. And then I realized you could just send it to any email address they have because everybody masturbates. Most people look at porn. So I found that in my junk, my junk, because I was looking for I thought maybe I missed an email from somebody and I was highly amused.
Highly amused. Fucking shysters and, you know, people must. Must pay it. Holy fucking shit. Can you imagine jerking off is the reason your marriage ends? Good grief. Fuckin motherfuckers. It must make so much money from terrified, paranoid married men. God bless. It really is dark, though. My dad is elderly and he's sharp, though, you know, he gets so many of those calls that fucking fuck with you. But he loves it and he keeps them on a lot of, like, money lenders.
Oh. That's weird to say, because I feel like that's like a what people call Jews when Jews moneylenders. But, you know. They'll call, they'll say, I have an. Whatever.
I have a video, I'll show you another time of my dad, it was recording my dad getting one of those calls and keeping them on the phone until they hung up because I'd like yeah, I would like alone because I have a I own a whore house. These are people who prey on eighty three year old people who are vulnerable, most of them, most of them aren't animals like my father. All right, we had a good time, I had a good time, if you're still listening, you had at least a fair to middling time.
So subscriber writer review and rate. Some like that, wherever you listen to podcasts, yeah, subscribe rate and write a review. I don't know. I don't know, but that's what they say, there must be a reason.
So do that wherever you listen to podcasts. I see you tomorrow. See it on. See? Hey, yo, fuck up.