I would rather somebody break into my house and catch them on the CCTV than look at my CCTV instead, oh, no, this is terrible. No, my manhood just skimmed the top of my head. She was on her knees. Oh, my. You would regularly find semen in the toilets of the hairdressers. Yeah, but you mean no. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, there is too much going in one easy way. By the end of the podcast you'll be fine in front of each other.
No, that will never happen. Welcome back to The Secret's Out podcast. How's it going? My name is Aphids and this is Episode eight one Episode eight now. So with last week's episode, I completely switch things up. Instead of having a couple of celebrities on with me, I had my mom, my dad and my sister. I had no idea how it was going to go down because obviously it was pretty different to usual. But the support was insane.
It was by far one of the most listened to episodes we've done. So I just want to say thank you so bloody much. It means the world to me. Everybody that's leaving nice reviews, everybody that's writing the podcast, I'm literally just loving it. This space, this thing, the podcast is so new to me and I had no idea whether I was going to enjoy it, whether anyone was going to listen, how it was going to be received by people, even if they did listen.
And it's just been so enjoyable from getting to record the episodes to working with my producer James on editing the episodes. I just wanted to say thank you so much, like genuinely thank you so much for all of the support in the podcast. It means the world.
However, if you listen in for the first time and you're not quite sure how the podcast works, I've been sent a ton of anonymous secrets from the public and I've invited some of the biggest celebrities to go through them with me. Now, these are real people's genuine secrets. So we have to be incredibly cautious, even though some of them are mind blowing and outrageous and crazy.
We do have to be sensitive because these are real people secrets. And as well as discussing those secrets, my guests also share some unbelievable stories from their lives to now.
If you haven't already subscribed, this is when you scroll down, scroll down on your screen, press the little subscriber and press the button so that every single week when a new episode goes up, you'll be notified. So in this episode, we have got two people, a couple one in which I've known I've known her for. I don't know, maybe like six years, seven years now, she is an absolute icon in the media space, Davina McCall and her partner Michael, he is so bloody funny and so lovely.
They're just the cutest couple. They are so bloody good together. However, even though they are the cutest couple and they are so bloody sweet, most of the topics covered in this podcast are pretty full on. Things get I don't even know how to describe. They're pretty out there. So if you're not into that kind of thing, click off the podcast. Now, it's not for everyone. For those of you that are, I bloody hope you enjoy it.
I had so much fun, such a laugh to the point where one of the team working on the podcast had to use an asthma pump twice whilst recording this episode from laughing. So much so I hope you enjoy it. Let's jump straight in.
I am Michael Douglas, not the actor, as you can probably tell, but the hairdresser and I'm human. So, yeah, you know, I present a bit of TV sometimes and I'm probably best known as a celebrity hairdresser, which means I do the head of celebrities rather than I am a celebrity. Is that a lot of pressure? It's a huge amount of pressure. Yeah, because I think that's one job I wouldn't be able to do. Yeah, I don't doubt that for a second.
There's only very few of us in the world that have the skills to do to do it. Have got the bravery to go ahead. It's like the SARS for the NHS, the special health service. I like that. Yeah. So yeah, it is quite stressful sometimes because some celebrities are much easier than others. You know that this one instance is a double for the Sumba. I've worked with very high maintenance. What I would say on the whole is if that blonde, they're trouble, they're brunette, they're all right.
Oh my God. Already in such deep water, such deep water. Some of the blondes are all right.
So I am Davina McCall, TV presenter for like forever for like for longer than you've been alive, Alfie, I'm pretty sure, and I. Yeah, that's weird, right? Yeah, that's right.
I sent somebody earlier, I was saying I think about 20 years I've been in Italy for 28 years. I'm 27. Yeah, I was just going to say how old, so I started I started on MTV the year before you were born. Oh, wow. And yes. And I'm still going, which is unbelievable. I'm just relentlessly piling on through my career. So long lost family I'm doing at the moment, I'm doing the most singer, which is like the program that everybody hated when they first saw it and then all sort of started.
It was their embarrassing, kind of their guilty pleasure. You can't not you can't just go on.
And then I've just got changing rooms, which I'm really excited about. Oh, wow. Give me some of the flair and creativity that you guys have. And I'm very excited about change.
Even if you weren't presenting it, I'd be excited. Yes, it's coming back. So great show. Do you remember changing rooms? Oh, yeah, of course. I didn't know. It's coming back.
Yeah, I'm I'm I'm being Carol Smiley. And right now during lockdown, I feel like that's perfect. Everyone is going to need that in their life. And Lawrence Llewellyn Burns coming back, which would be great. I've just launched a YouTube channel for ladies that are hitting their midlife, who are feeling a bit invisible and a bit lost. And I am going to say I have found you. Come with me, joined the march. We are going to let our hair down and be seen.
So, yeah, that's that's why I'm a big fan.
I text you the other day about it, didn't I? Yeah. You don't want to do.
Yes. I was just so pleased with that it mentally to so good that. Thank you. And then Michael and I together because we are partners that Michael and I do a podcast together which we love doing. Yeah. It's fantastic. It's called Making the Cut and it's a review podcast that reviews everything and anything from deep fat fryers to toothbrushes, like anything that we discover that we think is worth telling the world about. Yeah, we will do so.
We do about six. What's the weirdest thing you've you've discussed Faber Castell make a pencil.
That is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. It's got a silver lid to it and inside the lid you just take out a silver pencil sharpener and then there's a little silver bit on the end of it and you unscrew it. And underneath is the eraser eraser.
I was going to say, Robert, that it was going to make me giggle. So I thought no. And then you can you can, like, put it all back together again. But it's just beautifully heavy because of the silver and the pencil, you know, the LEDs. Perfect. I mean, it is exquisite, but it comes with a price tag of like 350 pounds.
He wants to kick off with a secret. Have you both they both got a secret of your own. I'm going to tell you. So basically, I mean, I've got I've got quite a lot. But this one was quite funny because I tried to deny it. So when I was filming Street Mates, we were very lucky to do, which was like this dating show where I would go out and find somebody single and then spend the rest of the day finding them, someone to go out with.
But they would literally just walk around saying, I fancy the look of them and I would go and chat them up for them, that's all. Yeah.
Because, you know, like when you walked out, it's the best show ever. If you walked past someone in the street and you've got that instant instant chemistry, but you can't go and talk to them, I would do that for you. And sometimes I would look at the person, I go, no, I'm not going to talk to them, they're not right for you. Like, I you know, I would have to make judgments anyway.
I was doing ski mate. It was it was doing so well that we did ski meet. We did beach mate. It was awesome. I was doing Skimming Courchevel. And as an intro, obviously, this is a you can even see what anyone looks like.
So I mean, he's got nice skis. I think he's my kind of guy. Exactly.
And also I can't risk so I'm snowplowing it like two miles an hour down the slope when you're on the slope, Miles. Now they're going 30 miles an hour down the slope that excuse me, it was very funny. So the opening shot was me in my ski gear and I had to run towards the camera. And the last sort of, you know, a meter or so was just me sliding in the snow. I'd slide up to the camera and I'd go ski, mate.
OK, so I did it. And bear in mind, this is a crew. These are crews that I've worked with all the time. These guys know me so well. And I slid towards the camera and I went ski make. But as I slid, I faltered. But it wasn't like just, you know, it was a prop..
I thought I think that could pass off as a snow squeak. Yeah. Yeah.
So I when I stopped and I said, Ski and the sound man, Julian Chat's really good friend of mine looked up and he looked at me and he cocked his head to one side and like smiled and I went, No, no, Jules, that was that was the snow.
And he went, You can't lie to the south. He said, it wasn't the snow. I said everything up. And I was like thinking, how can he put that? I said, No, no, it was the snow. He said, Shall we listen? I was like, no, please, let's not listen. And he listened to it back. And then he played it to everybody. And then it ended up and ended up in the it ended up in the Christmas party video, like literally not just that crew, but every crew that's ever worked on the show enhanced the sound of it.
No doubt it was it was a really good one. Oh, you should have been proud of that.
And they also they heard it through your ski clothes. Yes, that's about it. Well, that's the other thing. The other thing I'd be to let you know how bad that was for me is that Michael has never heard me fart. No, that's not entirely true. I mean, consciously. I don't know, I'd say that he has had no, no, no sleep occasionally. And I wake you up. Well, oh, my God.
I can I can sense a rumble.
And then there's the tsunami. I think you have let go in your sleep by the time we all you know, it's fine.
You're asleep. There's no shade.
There is is a tiny bit of Tennessee. It's going to be amazing. Football stadium. So I used to go and get my clothes altered. I'm quite a small person, only about five foot five, and I'm very skinny. So buying clothes off the peg was tricky. So I found this tailor in Finsbury Park. It would alter all my clothes for me. She was very kind of vivacious Cypriot lady and I always got the feeling she quite fancied me.
And I had a couple of young kids at the time, but I used quite like going that because I felt flattered, you know. So anyway, I went and she used to adjust my trousers and things like that. And what I liked is my trousers tailored. So taking in right down the leg because I liked them quite tight to my my legs. You know, most of I was Bynum's baggy, so but a lot of people take clothes in on the inside leg and it ruins the it's slightly twisted the fabric.
So I always like mine tailored and taken it on the outside of the leg. So I went in there and I think I had my son with me at the time. He was about three years old. And I got into I got to tailor the sleeves on his jacket. So he was there getting to the door, opened the door. That's the cute.
It was great. But he was that that pleased, you know, to be getting all the attention. And then he I said, you don't sit in that chair that I'm just going to get my trousers altered. So I went into this room and she pulled the curtain round and they all of a sudden felt a slight sexual tension there already. And I was like, why can't she get it? She was like China and everything. And I was going, Yeah, well, you know, just take them down the side.
So she pulled my trousers on on the side of the leg and then she said, yeah, about half an inch, you know, so she pinned all the way up my trousers and she was kneeling on the floor in a provocative way. And and I she pinned all the pins up these trousers and I said, all right. And I said, I've got two of the pairs. And she said, OK, well, whip them off. So as I pulled my trousers, hint that my trousers to my boxer shorts.
So as I pulled my trousers down, my boxer shorts fell down as well.
No, my manhood just skimmed the top of my head because she was on her and she was naked. Oh, it looks like that did this on purpose. Like I'm drawing a red, you know, she went, Oh, and I know. And then I pulled back and put my fingers on the pins as I was trying desperately to pull them back up. And I said, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. That was a mistake. And she said, don't want to see his face and that we unbent, you know, the area and then we've gone red on your behalf.
So that's I got outside my little three year old son. He was like, is everything all right? That is completely fine. And I said, don't worry about the other trousers. I'll just get these buttons. Don't.
I was working in an office and a client asked if I could call his wife to discuss a query, he sent his wife's contact details in an email from his phone, but he'd forgotten that the contact picture for his wife. It was a picture of full on boobs. My colleagues in the office were gathering around my desk like flies. Oh, I mean, I read all the photos. Why would you do that as your contact for your wife? I mean, I can understand if you've got pictures of your messages.
Yeah. But not hide them somewhere or you said.
Oh, God. So he sent a call.
What happens if you're in a cafe? Some.
And you get a call from your wife and it just picks up just because that's where the contact picture is to the pings up and it was the bad boobs. I mean, the fact that it says full on boobs. Yes. Not nipple. Everything a lot. All of it. I wonder how how old are these people?
The question is, can I just say something? Because, yeah, it has no bearing it. Definite tits or old hits. It does not.
What would you do if that was you? I would try and play off that then they're not my wife's. I mean, if they were massive, but then that's just weird. Yeah.
If they were massive you could say, oh, they're just comedy boobs, you know. Like, what about your bone tattoo. Yeah, I'd be very proud.
OK, that would be all right. Somebody says, can I get your details and just they'll go, Oh, I know.
What's that. Yeah, I say their ass.
When I was 14, I was at my friend's house and we were swimming in her pool. She had gone inside to get some water. Then suddenly I shit myself. Well, absolutely not by choice. It's good to know. And media panic set in. So I let it drop out of the side of my swimming costume and float down to the bottom of the pool. But then I realized if she sees it and she'd know it was me. Yeah.
So I quickly dive down to the bottom and scoop up and throw it into the bushes nearby, hoping that if her family saw it, they blame it on the dog. I have never told a soul to this day or been back to a house.
There is one thing about that. Yeah.
And this is a you're going to get a bonus secret. You've done it. So when I was seven, I drove to Greece with my real mother and two other families. We all drove together and there was a little boy who was the little brother of a boy that I was in love with. And I think he was eight. And this his little brother was six. And everybody loved his little brother. And, you know, he was kind of like perfect and getting attention.
And I'm not proud of this. Right. Anyway. While it was on its Dipu, I'm swimming in the sea, I do the same thing, I do a poo in the sea.
It does not sink and they don't often does not think. This is why I'm thinking that this potentially is not true. I did a poo in the sea, which I don't know if you've ever tried to put in the say I'm seeing from your face Alfie. You have an. Now, it's not so much blokes do you ever tried to poo in the sea, Michael? No, it's not something easy. Is this like this is a girl on the message?
I wasn't reading it either girl or boy. I was just reading it as like a O'Carroll person.
Oh, yes, you can see it on its side, so I get the feeling it's a girl who got two girlfriends, so the girls I tried, I you have to really concentrate to do it. But we were camping and I didn't want to go in the bushes and I thought water would be cleaner anyway, thinking that it would sink. It didn't. It followed me around everywhere. I was trying to swim away from it. And then somebody saw it and was like, Oh, this is disgusting.
And then I blamed it on the little boy. Oh, no. Oh, you blamed it on a boy. Yes.
And then everybody on the little boy, and they he didn't get into trouble because he was Gumbel's. And then everybody's like everybody out of the water. Oh, honestly, the little boy. And I was thinking then I felt really bad.
Right then I was like, oh, my God, he's taken all the flak and it's actually made. So I'm not in contact with him anymore. Out of guilt.
Yeah, well, it's the same thing and it's the same situation here that she's not in touch with this girl. Even I don't think that the PWR would think. I'm not sure that that's true. Yeah, it depends what you've eaten. You said I know who doesn't think like you knew. Yeah, well, I have a story about this as well as we used to go on holiday every year with with another family. So the kids were quite young and one kid in the other family would every year without fail would poo in the pool.
And it was a nightmare because was this just a normal thing that I just never did? Am I missing out because I didn't poo in some water until I need to go down quite a bit?
I'm guessing that you did poo in some water, but you you've planned it and some way.
Yeah, yeah. Actually, I peed in the bath once. I did put in the bath once.
Did you like. Yeah. Not recently though. No, no, no.
So this kid literally on cue three days in then I can see he's pooed in the pool again but he's, he's clocked it this time so I watched it. He ran it gets out of the pool. He runs into the kitchen at the holiday home and he finds a sieve and he goes back to the pool and sips it out and chucks it in the bushes, much of the same as our message here. And I was just relieved, to be honest, because one, I didn't want have to confront his parents and say, do you realize he's pool in the pool again?
And then we would we wouldn't be able to use the pool for the next two or three days while they disinfect it and bring a guy around. And I just thought, yeah, he's fix the problem.
Like, I don't need to worry about it anymore. I mean, I didn't go to the pool the next three days. I didn't care, but everybody else did. You know, you're not going swimming? Not today, no. But it resolved the problem. I think whoever sent those messages and did the right thing, they scooped it out, threw it in the bushes and didn't go back.
I'm a swimming instructor and regularly pee in the pool whilst at work. No, I just leave to go to the toilet in the middle of a class. It's fine. It can go one day.
I write as a class of kids were entering the pool and they all said it felt warmer than usual.
But you've got you've got to swim. And we at the same time, that's how you get away with it. You have to be moving. You can't just stand still because somebody is going to walk through the draft of the week. I don't I don't win pools really ever. I will win the seat. Obviously another way in the sea, I, I will not win a pool.
OK, I think it's us also from the fear that somebody told you. Did anybody tell you this, Alphie, that in order to frighten little children, to stop them from laying in the pool, that if you see the water will go red where you've read. Yeah, yeah.
That's exactly what I got. Hold on. I've never done it since. Just in case it does.
If you if you're very hung over, though, the water does go green because yellow and green makes yellow and blue makes green. So I have noticed that before. If you've got very chlorinated pool and a high concentration of yellow in your urine, like in a morning after heavy night, you see a green light asking me questions.
I want to ask you, like, why does hangover equal yellow?
We oh, because your body's trying to get rid of all the toxins and everything so your kidneys and your liver starts to filter through all the bad stuff. But your way is much more yellow in a morning than it is at night. Yes, because you've been doing a lot even worse with the hangover.
I thought I hadn't drunk as much.
Yes, well, I would be the case because you're not drunk for eight hours.
Oh, you're drinking water and booze dehydrates you, doesn't it? Yeah, so that makes sense.
So, yeah, men on holiday in places like Malaga or Mikhailov or wherever, you always see a green cloud in the pool around them. But I really hate it. Pre ten o'clock in the morning Serevent remember this selfie.
But in Big Brother there was a huge scandal. I think it was series too because I think Alex Wade in the shower. Yeah. And it's that bad. And people because it was a communal shower and all the housemates had to share. They went absolutely crazy, right? Yeah, really, do we in the shower with an outfit?
Yeah, for me I'm just like, that's efficiency. At its peak, its already is already running. I'm saving that away before I get in the shower there.
OK, there's something don't we, in the shower. There's something about warm water rushing over you that makes me wonder, you know, something does that experiment you can if you get one of your friends who's very very drunk and just put his hand in some warm water. Yes, we themselves immediately get that shower has the same effect on me. Even if I had a way when I get in it, it's just like a more. It's a lovely home, and if I were you, I thought I knew everything.
Yeah, well, you know, a baby is a mystery.
Hopefully by the end of the podcast, you'll be fine in front of each other. No, that will never happen. I received a call from my accountant asking me if I'd want my boyfriend 800000 dollars. Obviously I didn't. So I called him to investigate and a female voice answered and I asked her where he was and she told me that they were on holiday in Mexico visiting family. I'd I asked her who she was. She's his wife of five years now.
She and I devised a plan of revenge. I asked her not to say anything to him and I would reward her. He's coming back this week and cops are ready to arrest him for fraud and take away his citizenship. Not only is he going to prison, but I've also sent a video of me. Peggy. Spetznaz Woolton, why there is there is too much going in one secret way to go away.
Not only is he going to prison, but I've said, I mean, prisons.
But, yeah, I think the video of the Picking's was, I think more of those of pegging, pegging him to everyone close to him. Fuck you, Nathan. I don't regret anything.
Wow. No, I was so scorned as she lost 800000 pounds as well.
So I think he fraudulently tried to send eight hundred thousand pounds to himself. She then got in touch with him.
Hundred thousand pounds. Imagine your accountant calling you if you just tried to make a transfer of eight hundred thousand pounds.
Seems like a ridiculous amount. Like don't think I have. Who's got eight hundred thousand pounds lying around. But this does sound like the message of a very angry woman.
Well this is also one of those one oh man like you could also requires a strong strap on. Yeah. And also she's his wife. The other woman. His wife. The fuck is implying that.
Oh I thought it could be. But this is one of those secrets where it's like. This secret is so detailed and so many layers that I'm like, it's got to really sit there making it up.
Yeah, and this has to just because it's so intense, I don't think it's true.
I'm I'm with you. I think it is one of the reasons is it says, fuck you, Nathan. But if she really wanted to fuck you, Nathan, she'd put his name in there as well.
Well, I think he's just in prison already. She wants to do is get the video to the guys in prison. I'd like to see the video. Oh, no.
Yeah, well, if it's real, if it's a real video, send us the video that while you're on her own, that you can have that one. You've made me feel weird now, too.
Yeah. That video came to. You've both. What? You made you feel ashamed.
And every year I would unwrap my Christmas presents, take a peek at the reseal o, take a peek and reseal them. One year I went even further and I knew my mom had bought me a new phone and where she was keeping it until Christmas. So I took my phone and I used it for a whole month. I even took it to school every day. The night before Christmas Eve. I put it back, she wrapped it up and I opened it on Christmas Day.
Well, this, whoever this is, is an entrepreneur waiting to be successful. This is a great thing to do. Such joy does it. Yes. And how old is this kid, I mean, there's a real lack of information here, really every year. I mean, is this a boy or girl and what age they must be, what, 14 or 15 to get to school every day? It's got to be a boy or a girl.
Wouldn't do this at all. Girls would do this, do you think? Yes.
I feel like girls would get away with this easier than a boy. I feel like you'd expect your son to try and, like, sneak out the presence.
And who are the parents? Like, why on earth would you realize that your kid had a brand new phone? It was the one you bought them. Like how deaf to these parents they seem. They don't seem very present. Oh, maybe the child would have just disguise it. Yeah, they're very cunning. That's really sweet. I love that I'm impressed and that they would.
I just hope this doesn't give a lot of ideas to people and everyone. It's like coming up to Christmas now, everyone's going to start trying to find and search presents as soon as this goes out. I'm just sitting here thinking like, oh, shit, what have we done for the parents out there?
I mean, if they dropped it and smashed it or cracked it or something, I mean, oh, that would complicate things quite a bit. It'd be a good episode of a sitcom. This, though, I think it could really work with the Christmas EP. Yeah. Yeah, you can imagine it. Only fools and horses. Yes. You know, well done, whoever you are. A very, very good inspired genius. Inspiring. Yeah.
This reminds me of this, this podcast, a bit of a TV program that I used to do, which was all about confessing something that you wanted to basically make amends for or you wanted to kind of make up to somebody because you'd done something bad. And somebody came on the show and said and I'd got her parents on as well. She said, I want to make an apology to my parents.
Oh, wow. So, like, straight to straight to them. She said, you know, when my sister had an appendicitis, when she was thirteen and I went to all the appointments and stuff, it was over the summer holidays with you. She was getting so much attention and you guys were so worried about her. And I'd seen all of these symptoms and everything that she had that six months later, I basically faked all of the same symptoms and had her appendix actually removed.
But she'd faked it. She didn't. Just for the attention. Yes. And her parents like. Because they had got there and said actually her appendix was fine, but they said we took it out anyway. And and it wasn't real, she faked the whole thing, she fully got some commitment. That's the definition of neediness, I think, in a sense, in that you're a baby, you know, but I thought plus 11. Oh, 11.
Yeah, she was evil. Like she needed some attention.
That makes me so sad. I know. Literally would go to that attention from her.
And it was so funny because I think she was expecting her parents to slightly laugh. But they were horrified. Some psychological help needed. Well, there's a lot of stuff going on the dark about, isn't it? Yeah, that's the biggest weight to just hold day to day. It's like the strangest, most neach thing as well. Like you never you'd never think of that. Yeah.
Everyone thinks I met my husband through mutual friends. The truth is, the first time I met him was when my ex partner and I had a threesome with him chatting after that night. And seven years later, we're married with a 16 month old daughter that said, oh, my God, my mind is not just the biggest fear of a threesome.
That's the reality of how a threesome can go completely wrong.
But the best thing is, is that like no one knows I think they are they still friends with the ex? No, they can't afford it. They can't. So you have a threesome with another guy and then you quite like the other guy. Oh, and then he ends up being your husband.
So are you asking you're asking me a question here. Very unsure the way you were phrasing those words. Was this a statement in question, a demand to know, OK, after checking what's going on? I just thinking that's like that's just heartbreaking for the boyfriend. He's thinking, let's spice up our relationship. Yeah. You know, threesome. Oh, wow, how exciting. But then it ruins his life. He loses the love of his life.
So the threesome is is what would be commonly known as an and if it's not right, it's not a male male female. Yes. That was the threesome is she ran off with the other male. With the other male. Yeah. Well, the thing is, they did the wrong kind of threesome. You know, it's got problems, yeah, but what happens if I then fall in love with the girl? Oh, that's fine. That's that's what Levi must study on all of a sudden.
This is kind of a fantasy. So spiraled into something horrible, just real.
Like, I like to think that if you're going to have a threesome with somebody, you know, the person that you're with very, very well, you trust them a lot. Yeah, but then if you were to see, like, you know, Zoe so well, if you were to see her look at another guy with, like, the DOE eyes that she looks at you with.
Oh, yes, it was horrible. Is biblical stuff, yeah. And you have to be so on the same page, one of one of my one of the very nice friends was over at the house maybe like a month or two ago, just before we went back into lockdown.
And he I'm sure he won't mind me saying if I don't name him. He was saying we're just catching up. We haven't seen him for like a year. He was like, oh, me and my boyfriend have started having threesomes with people. And we're like, OK, well, how does how does that work? How did you how did he get into that? How do you how do you know them already?
Do not. And is it with another guy. So it's with another guy. There's three guys. Yeah.
So a lot of risk that one person could fall for this other person.
Yeah. And he basically said that they they sign up on dating apps, but they make it very apparent that it's like we're looking for a third person just for fun times and they just have such.
An awareness agreement that is purely just for a fun night, and that is it. And I said to him, I was like, it's high risk, isn't it? I was like, what if one of you then went to slept with that person when the other one was busy? Yeah, well, if you like, went out and he went out for a drink with him as well, I was like, can you where's the boundaries?
Well, have you ever said that it's all good. It's working really well.
Have you heard of polyamorous relationships which I didn't under. I just couldn't get at like I just didn't understand it. And someone really spell it out for me the other day. And that is when you have a primary relationship with somebody and you love them and they are your primary relationship, but that person gives you permission to go and have a relationship, a relationship with someone else, not just a one night stand, but a relationship with somebody else outside of that relationship, but that they are privy to the whole thing.
So you would say like if it was us, I would say I'm going out with Simon. I'm going to start his tomorrow night. Who the hell is Simon?
But where does he live? Do you know what I mean? Like I say, his contact.
Was it like it's such an odd it's such an odd thing that but saying that I guess, you know, for your friend, it's working.
I think the key is that nothing and the same with what you're describing. Nothing is secretive. Yes. Yes. Nothing is. It's all in the moment. I wouldn't classify it as cheating because everything is open. Everything was aware of what's going on. Where is this secret? I don't think anyone else knows, and that's the other thing about it, it isn't so much about the fact that they had a threesome and she fell in love with the other guy.
It's the fact that she hasn't told anyone.
I'm sure the guy must know the original. I hope the original.
Oh, he must. Oh, what says she might have left the original guy and not said anything and then gone to the. Oh yeah. It's very good, that was a good one. Yeah, she's just gradually, gradually, she's just like, yeah, I think we should have another threesome. Do you mind watching this? I feel like if you really hold it, you just want to sleep. But it's not this your. When I was a child, I used to get really excited when I was a for me, as it was always something nice one year my mom's birthday was on a Sunday.
And in my mind, that was awful, purely because it meant that she would get any post on her birthday. So I decided to surprise her two weeks before her birthday. I started to stash any post that was addressed to her. And on her birthday I proudly surprised her with them. To my dismay, she was less than thrilled to be presented with nothing but two weeks worth of ah ha ha.
That is very thoughtful, he says. To my dismay, I hope that she wasn't made to feel dismayed by the parent on this occasion. But I can imagine doing that as a kid and giving my mom a tax return or something like that on her birthday by accident.
I even just the idea that sounds like a young child because as an older child, you would have realized it might be a bill. Yeah. What's the best you can? And not to think that any child of yours at that age would be so thoughtful. Yeah, that's very sweet. This is completely true, this one, because that is exactly what would have gone through my mind is like birthday on a Sunday. What a disaster. What could I do to fix it?
You know, dress up as a postman, start posting stuff around on the you know, it's very nice, but well done, whoever this child was, because that's a very sweet thing to do for your parents.
Friends of mine have a camera in front of their house one night, they got a notification of movements outside on their driveway but didn't check what it wasn't.
The next morning, you won't believe what they saw the next day.
She shouldn't have read this, I always say the one rule is don't read it, just just read it out loud.
If you say holy shit, yeah, there was a man penetrating himself on the tow of their car.
Well, when I saw Box, wow, this is like one of those programs where people marry that call or marriage.
Yeah. Or in a relationship with the Eiffel Tower. Yes, that is exactly.
What does it say? Well, the car is I mean, the towboat doesn't matter what car is. I think it matters enormously.
You say the size of the microphone in front of you to make a bigger than that. Is there not like a blob on the Internet? So there is a helmet like go on the end of the injury worthy.
That's not good. That is not that is really bad. My gosh.
I mean, and that's normally a bit of grease on there as well. And it's already pretty much. And if it was. Oh, God, how long has that been happening before?
You still don't like the bus.
Always smells a bit funny.
Oh. Oh, God, this is such a good one for me, I've never met my biological father. He lives in the same town as me. I know what he looks like. Oh, I know which area of the town he lives in. I know he helps out or is here to help with the local rugby team.
But the difference is she knows who he is. I know where he works and I know that he has another daughter. I've known all of these things since I was about 10 and I'm now 22. So it's been a known fact for a long time that I have a half sister walking the same streets that I do on a daily basis. I have a secret Instagram account to check her profile and try and get an idea of what she's like as a person.
From a distance I've been thinking about messaging her. I've got no idea if she knows who I am or even if she knows she has an older sister at all while I am I. I am the person to read that because and this is I'm actually we've been mucking about a lot and joking about a lot, but I would very much like to say be extremely careful of just reaching out to somebody. It is always better if you can to find some kind of intermediary or somebody that can.
Reach out to her on your behalf so that you can remain anonymous, and I don't think intermediaries are expensive or that difficult to get, I think. But you should have somebody else write that letter for you or message. Do not do it on social media. You just you just never know. And as much as you see all these lovely stories on long lost family that end up so happy and so positive, we also know of many people that reach out to people themselves and it doesn't turn out the way that they want it to, but then they can't escape.
And especially because they do live in very close proximity of each other, it would be much better if they reached out via a proper a proper channels. The other thing is, is that. It's very I would also make sure that this person, this young person is looking after their own mental health and seeking some help. There are a lot of support groups for people with complicated families. And if she does reach out to an intermediary, an intermediary will be able to tell her of some support groups that could help her because knowing who her dad is and knowing where he is, that's going to come with a whole load of baggage.
And you don't want to carry that baggage around for the rest of your life, you know. So share it with somebody that really knows. I actually have direct experience with this very story that I have a brother that I have never met who got in touch with me on social media, unsure of whether he I knew of his existence or not. Wow. Yeah, I did. Yeah. I was told that I was about to attend. I had a brother that had never met and one thing or another.
So, yeah, it is interesting. It's very complex though. Very, very complex. I think what you've said is absolutely bang on, you know. But my mom has often said to me that I have a half brother, another half brother in my hometown. And I mean, I don't know whether that's true or not. She'd been told this and I was in a Chinese takeaway once a few years ago now. But this guy, not too dissimilar age to me, came up to me and said, oh, you.
So that's like, yeah, I mean, I thought you, my brother, you I used to work with your dad, I was like, OK, I got it. I could work out that was going to be some kind of stand off for the inheritance, you know? But but I wasn't. But, you know, you know, I can laugh about these things and joke about them, but it's much more complicated, I think, for other people.
So I think your advice was absolutely perfect. Fascinating that though, I think it's far more common than we think as well.
Are you, Amalfi, on any kind of DNA database? No, not at all. No, I am no, I really I really want to do one of the like like an ancestry. Yeah, yeah.
I've got one of the boxes at home, but I've never sent it off. It's quite a big reason just to just being lazy. I'll tell you. The problem is you've got to produce a huge amount of saliva. Yeah, it's really hard. You have to spit into this thing and it says spitting. It says like, don't you can't just have bobbly spit. You need, like, liquid.
The thing is you like and then spit it all coming out is bubbles, you know, like the stress of the anxiety means you can only produce like frothy spit, you know. But I did it. I'm on the ancestry one. So it turns out that I'm a bit Swedish, but I'm Scottish and Irish. Yeah, but and occasionally I get these notifications and say, oh, you've got a cousin in Canada or which I just update your details as it finds out.
Yeah. So I really want to do one of them. So many people are so sceptical about what they do with your data.
Well, we found 23 me on the podcast I think I'm with. I think that's the best one 23 and me. But they also give you health stuff. You've got to be careful about that, too, because that's the scary stuff.
That's what I kind of want to know. But I kind of don't want to know.
I get turned on by head massages, I'm reading this, by the way.
This is a you can go from so serious to yeah, yeah, yeah.
On my head massager, the hairdresser I usually go to offers them as a free service after washing my hair. I get a thrill from sitting there trying to play my cool, trying to play my cool with a semi that I have.
I will have to hide when I go back to my seat. I really hope the hairdresser will never notice she's the first person to actually get my hair. How I like it. So head massage at the back wash, the guy gets a semi. He's got to be careful going back to the seat. This is very common. I am a hairdresser and I have seen this is common. No, no, there is no question about it. I mean, hairdressers are generally women.
I mean, when I worked in a hairdressers, when I was 15 years old, it was me and 13 women. And I would say everywhere I've ever worked in hairdressers, predominantly women. And I would say a large portion of men go there to spend time with with the girl that they form the relationship with. And they love being touched and being felt, being tickled around. I mean, it's a very intimate process, right, of someone's touching your ears and your forehead and then round the back of your neck like it's it's quite sexy.
So I would have thought other backwash, especially if it's somebody you quite fancy and they're just massaging your head. And can I interject here?
Yeah. So when I when I used to get my hair colored for Garnier and Trevor used it. Yes. Trevor worked for Garnier.
Yeah. So he do my hair maybe I don't know, twice a year. And when I laid back over the backwash and Trevor's I don't think he'll mind me saying no Travis gay. Yeah. And. But honestly, he'd do this thing and I get tougher. You know what you're doing. It was the most unbelievably erotic feeling. We must have sensors in the top of our head or something. There's something I was thinking, that orgasmatron thing that you point your finger at me and she went so funny.
It wasn't that funny. And then my son kept doing it to my because he thought it was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. She's wriggling around. So if there is something to do with. So Trevor was very funny about it because you go, are you ready? I'm so ready. You'll never see everything. That's why.
So I obviously worked in hairdressers on and off my whole career. But you would you would regularly find semen in the toilets of the hairdressers. No. Yeah.
What do you mean no? Yeah. Honestly, this would happen at least once a month, if not once a fortnight, where you would a guy would come and get his hair cut or whatever, and then at the end he would go to the bathroom and then go have a wank. Oh, you know. Well, what was that awful about?
It is often just off onto the floor, you know, like, well, I do it and it's got out of it for all the girls to see, like, this kind of stamp like he'd sprayed.
Yeah, exactly. You know, you know, used on this. I was just amazed. I mean, I was like 15 or 16, but I just remember thinking, God, I can't actually believe that. But that would happen regularly. So there's definitely sexy time between clients and hairdressers going on all the time now for you seem really surprised by that.
Yeah, well, I mean, no one just like if I got that turned on in the hairdressers, I wouldn't want to go out.
I wouldn't I wouldn't enjoy that at no terms. Just straight up on the floor afterwards.
Yeah, that's just what it's disgusting. That's so bad, so grateful for. I am so grateful that when I get turned on, it can just be something that floats around in my head and it kind of fancy. And I've got it like I just feel lovely and it's lovely. But you guys, when you get turned on, everyone knows. Yeah.
That we can't hide it. Well, you can't hide it at all. You can't hide it.
And when it just has to be when you're in school and you're a teenager, it's not that I know.
Well, I find it happens randomly on a of on an airplane like I did with air pressure or not. But often I'll just get one in the air for no apparent reason.
I think it's the pressure of not getting one.
Yeah, you like whenever I've had like a full body massage, I remember one time zone, I went for a couples massage and we're laying we're in Greece and we're laying there like this, like little Coveny cave kind of thing carved into the rock.
It was really cool. And they give me these tiny little wavefront pump things in there, see through it. I just fully just that because like actual netting. And I was like, I would not do this, but I'm going to let's just see what happens. And I put on this tiny little thong and it's like literally netting and there lying next to me and she's in hysterics as well. And my MITSUSE doesn't turn up. So. So he's getting a massage.
She's like fifteen, twenty minutes into massage. My woman's just not there yet. And then she turns up and she's I'm so sorry I'm late. I'm so sorry. So Zoe's massage finished fifteen, twenty minutes before me. So instead of me just carrying on getting my massage. The Zoe's woman wrapped her up in this like cling film with some scrub on her, came over to me and was like knowing this are in Iowa a couple months, like, I bet you've never had two women massage you at the same time.
And they went for one thigh each.
And I was literally like, don't do it, don't do it, do it. And luckily, it didn't happen. I have never had a moment where I've been like, not now.
Not now. Come on. Come on. We could do this. And they did it, but they knew what was happening. You can't help it.
It just absolutely it literally got its own brain. And the other thing is that you're not turned on, but then the person they are with thinks that you are. Yeah, yeah. You think. No, no, no. That's not a sign, you know.
Yeah, but yeah. So the hairdressers. I completely believe that story entirely. I did it. It happens all the time. That's what's so that's why the gowns are so long, is to try to hide the erect penises of the men in the backwash to the styling.
Thank you so much for both coming on. We always ask who should come in the next episode, who people think should come on. And at the end of the last episode with my family, everybody suggested you. And that's why I'm certainly happy to have you on that.
Nice. Oh, said I gatecrashed it. Yeah, his family did ask for me, but they got me anyway. Yeah. I guess like you come with me.
Yeah. Yeah. We're, we're a buy one. Get one free. Yeah yeah. Yeah. I hope that your family like enjoyed Michael as much as.
Oh definitely. Definitely. They're going to love it because the reason why they said here is because they might it was in fact it was my dad and he was like, I think Davina will just really go for it. I think she'll be super open and say everything and not hold back.
And I was like, yeah, when actually it was Michael. Yeah, it was super. OK, he's kicking me out. I've learned I've learned a few things today. Yeah. Yeah. Is there anyone that you think that I should come out to.
I don't if you're familiar with Morgan and Robertson. Oh Robinson. Robinson. Yeah. You know Morgan. I know she's a character actress. OK, fantastic.
Google her but she's Morgan immortalizing. Yeah. Morgan Robinson and she's got her own TV show. It's called The Morgan, a show where she did impersonations from, uh, Cheryl Cole and Fern Fern Cotton and gotten it off the charts. It's so good. She's really funny and but she's very blue as well. She's very blue. So she'd be perfect for this.
I'm looking at her now. Images couldn't recommend she is. And she looks so fun. OK, perfect. Great to make it happen. Really bloody appreciate both of you coming on and being so open and just chatting about stuff.
Oh well thank you for having us on. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode of The Secret's Out. Thank you so much for taking the time to listen and listen in all the way to the end. If you haven't already subscribed or followed, depending on which platform you're listening on. Please go down below the full about and hit the subscribe button.
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