Down lattes about the champagne, please. Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm going to sing a song for, you know, I wrote it myself. I wrote it about a month ago. But the morning after remembering it.

No, I was sitting at home with not. No, of course not. But the about food. So I sat on the couch and I put on the telly, had the remote control balanced on my belly. I used the entertainment half to watch a documentary about the invention of doughnut in the parking lot. And I fancy the film about going on a farm to watch it. But this guy said in the past week, seven day retirement's coming to an end, put me my own imagination, took me round the bend so I out the money.

Yes, I'm very nonchalant, but no TV has got what I want. I don't care if I ever leave home again. Just plasma television. Me on the who don't fit me. No TV could do to me. So no TV. Thank you. Thank you very much. Welcome, everybody, to the Tumi and Hektor podcast with news of the day before we start today. And I want you to like this kind of thing now. Years ago, I got myself a spiritual director as well.

No, boss. It's like someone takes care of this thing and it mass. No, that's the musical director. Oh, yeah. The spiritual director. Spiritual director channels your inner chakras.

Yeah. Why did you get that net for your shows? No, no. For God. I wanted someone to help me on my journey towards God.

Right. This was years ago when I was in Egypt.

All right, Orchester, you don't still have one. You grew out of that phase.

Well, I just I'm just not interested in kind of a qualified person would be that.

So when you join the priesthood, you have a spiritual director, someone who keeps an eye on you in terms of your religion.

And so is a priest like he, another priest. But is he a fancy name for a priest? Like an educator?

He is supposed to be. What are you doing here? Because I'm fiddlin. Because of so much technical stuff now. Yeah. I can't see you with the amount of equipment we have now. People, people for it.

Right. That's why I said let's get settled before. Sorry I wasn't settled. I feel now as if I'm in a BBC Radio four studio. We're good anyway. So civilisation's everybody.

So like the Nuns on Nuns Island, your Clair's.

Yes, they'd have a spiritual director, they'd have something.

So it's someone that the nuns can go to if there were lacking in a bit of a, you know, feeling a bit of doubt. Yeah.

Just to meet with them maybe once a month just to go. How are you feeling? How's everything going? A lot of fellows in monastic orders would have it. Maybe Parish Priest Savard, I don't know.

But anyway, I thought it'd be exciting if I got a spiritual director. How do you get went to undercover Franciscan that I know?

I was thinking it had to be but undercover.

And he said, I'll sort it out with this fellow. So I'm at this bonafied Franciscan.

And he became my spiritual director for a couple of sessions.

But one of the things he used to do was and this is a real Irish priest. Do you think now he said, before we start just to. Just as we remembered the presence of God, as we're talking, we light a candle and he would do what I'm doing now, which is light and candle light ash. And I always thought it was stupid, like I had no time for.

I thought, Jesus Christ, if you have to if you can't see God and other people and in buildings and in clothes and flowers and coffee, and if you don't see God in the rain and the wind and taxi drivers and puddles of water and whiskey and Putin and ham sandwiches, if you wanna see God and everything like your Scrooge.

But now I kind of like it.

Well, I think candles in my hand is the candle. So today's candle is tobacco and black magic. No tobacco and black pepper.

Well, black magic.

I'm pretty sure the priest did you to go to high school. There's an awful smell of black magic in this house. They used to be sweet.

Someone writing chickens is now. So that's what we started. That is quite funny that he has lit a candle here, because on my journey here today, this morning, before I left my place of abode, I decided on this.

I decided to take something from my house and bring it to this place of podcast pilgrimage life.

So it is quite funny to me that you have decided to start the ceremonial podcast by lighting a candle where I have brought a gift from my house to the place of worship.

Is it undercover, Francisco?

You come out of the 27 years working in Venezuela. It's a part of the past.

They know. Remind me to tell you about a Franciscan I met in Honduras.

But that is mad that you do not tell me that you've because it's your presence. Because I would be big into that candle lighting. I would be big into incense at different times of the day in my house, especially if we had Donegal catch in the kitchen at about seven and.

I love getting incense this. I like incense and different parts of the house. But today I have taken something from my house to this place of worship podcast to this house that you haven't seen. And I'd say over 10 years and you will remember the moment when I take it out, because when we sat in a darkened studio on to our farm on the first ever Saturday morning to do our two hour FM radio show, you brought a little piece of wood and you planted in front of the mixing desk.

And I left it there for three years doing my breakfast show. And it guided me. And I said to myself, he was on my ledge back at home and I said, I need now to take him to my new place. Your place of choice. And Larita.

This is it. OK, so maybe that's what we've been missing out on.

This is this is the little money and the little man. Tommy what? Oh. Oh. So, Tomomi, did you make that while you were in, like, locked up or something?

I Larita, please, why do you bring the cup. We are drifting our spiritual odyssey here.

So if people don't know it first, here we were. It's like an old Irish saint thing that you. It's very rudimentary.

It's very simple. It's like a fairy. Bulaga that's it reminds me of something I made for my junior search art project, except I made it out of clay.

I should have made it out of timber that.

But that's a little little agreement and we'll put him on yourself, which is Tuileries. Larita, please, I want you to go back to your take a picture of it so we can put it up.

Yeah, the simplicity of it is it's what it signifies. Yeah. It's not that. It's like it's not difficult to make a cross.

This is an old friend, Pollok. It's an old Irish apostille.

Absolutely. So I'd put them there. So we got here so we can look down. And the funny thing is. Oh and the funny thing is that he's shaped like a bulldog monk and my first ever tattooed that's tattooed on my body.

I got it. Seventeen years. He does look like him and Tommy brought it to the place on that Saturday morning. You remember Tom?

I sure do. This is a little money. It's a nice little money, Guidice. Well, now over the next. And he sits beside the bottle watching.

Well he's in good company. Then I'll tell you a beautiful, strange coincidence that happened to me recently to make of this what you will.

So I was doing the radosti radio show and I was sitting in here.

There's an IDN line come down to this particular shed and ISDN line for those you know, it's a radio quality landline that you can talk over that makes you sound as if you're in the studio when your phone and integrity or news talk or whatever, whoever you're talking to.

So I have one of them down here in this shed because I remember when I got it, I was I was doing I was touring America and Canada and Australia and have all these interviews set up. And I'd come down here at three o'clock in the morning to talk to a radio station in Canada or eight a.m. to do an Australian radio station.

Look at this gadget and it's fantastic.

So I'm down here before the radar station a couple of weeks ago was to as this room is full of books, OK, I need to get myself in the zone for talking to Ray, you know, to the zone.

My zone for Ray is trying to find the funny Laodicean head, right.

Trying to access words, trying to find a fluency of speech. You know, so I have a book which is called The Dictionary of High Bernau English. So it's all old Irish words and words, not. Yeah.

Your words that we kind of are peculiar to Ireland, but not England. Yes. And that are kind of half English half hours.

I came across some beautiful ones recently from the Irish Islands. One is a smallish. Smash, the big smash means not as an abuse of law enforcement.

Yes, it's like, yeah, drama SRAW is a little bit of two little kind of sleep in your feet talks, peace talks, which you call a little bit of sleep, a little bit of yellow. Yes.

Some people have that yellow all the time, every day. And I'm envious of them. That means they're sleeping deeply even while you're talking to them and they never take it out of the corner that you're going to really deliver problem.

But anyway, so I open this book anyway and I'm looking through it. And next thing, Tommy would be with you in in one minute.

Just stay there on the line. The producer called me up and when the producer asked me to wait, I can hear what Ray is saying on the actual show. And what book is he talking about? No, only the Dictionary of High. No English that the quinson start is fucking mental. Of the thousands of books I have in my house, of the millions of books you could be talking about, there was a kind of a synchronicity there of both of us at the same time dealing with the same book.

Find Little Moment. It was gone the following day, an entirely unrelated coincidence. I'm listening back to one of the podcast that we done, maybe to do a bit of an edit on it, you know, and I'm listening to the section on getting your prostate examined. Yes. Listen to that. And then I'm kind of bits that are making me laugh and bits of it are making me think.

And then I kind of scroll forward to a bit where I'm talking about my father. Right. I'm talking my father's job. And, you know, the father attended birth and all that stuff. You know, next thing, me fuckin mobile phone rings. I'm down here. And who was it? My father. And why is he ringing? He's ringing me to tell me to get my prostate examined and.

No, get out of come my fucking throat.

Yeah, well, tell me this and I'll tell you a third one after a hard one. Right.

What did he say on the phone, Tom? Oh, yeah.

He said get your while. He said, get your pizza, your tea. There's a name for it.

You don't get prostate straight out. But men wouldn't say a prostate. They have initials first to get your prostate because it's hereditary, like, OK, there are a few men in the Kiernan's who have that.

So it's OK. But this is this is the this is different. This is the legendary one. And this is a story. Flanner O'Brien, Miles Nigunim, Bryner, Nolan, the Badger all the same man. This is a story he told flan at one stage of his life, took the ferry from Southampton to Bombay, which is now Mumbai. So as he was getting up there, going up the plank in Southampton right now, this would have been in the 40s or 50s.

So big ocean Ocean-Going liner.

You've seen in all the films, you know, people and suitcases.

There's a fella on the on the key on the duck, and he's playing the accordion, you know, and just fucking sad Irish music and not just anything and all these English and jaunty songs and stuff like that.

And, you know, people are giving him a few pence and stuff like that. And they go to see. It takes them four months to get to India. Where would you go to France, where you go down there, you go down, you'd have to go down to the bottom of the underneath the Cape of all, would you go? Maybe the Suez Canal?

I don't know, unless they paid their way through it or could they could have went round the Horn of Africa and open up a Madagascan, pass Madagascar on our right and sailed right on across Larcker on your right.

A long fucking journey like that. So eventually, after four months at sea, the big ocean liner is pulling in to the dock in Bombay. Right. Hundreds of thousands of people getting off the boat. Flan is walking down with a suitcase and who is sitting on the dock play in the accordion?

The same someone completely different. I don't. Just got a story. That's a great story about coincidence that you did what you said.

Oh, and worst of all was, oh, Jesus Christ.

I thought you were going to give me one classic moment. Flan, O'Brien's cousin.

No, look, what I did is I married a girl from I was going to say, is that a good thing?

No, no, no. It's not to do it.

That that would be funny, right? No. The reason I told you that story was because the first two were genuine coincidence.

Well, you should have left it there. It was actually impressive like that. Lorina didn't.

Yeah, no, I don't believe the first two happened. You don't find the story interesting?

I no.

I mean, did God be good to him? Well, you know, I'm sure that wasn't one of his better stories anyway. How was your week? And my week was good.

I brought my aunt up to go away this morning and we were in we left Namor at about quarter to nine and we got to kill Shimaa or 20 minutes later.

And she was still Prain.

Yeah, we did. I mean, she was started with the Hail Mary. She McCleod. I had the radio on and I was driving. So I was trying to not sure if I was supposed to interact with her. So I was just the two of you in the car. Yeah. So I.

So you're driving and she's sitting there, she said and will say a few prayers. Now when we left the house and I said yeah, I didn't answer in my own head, I was like, OK. And she started with the Hail Mary and then she started blessin the car and listen to people that were in the car and blessed the journey that we were taken and that we got there. And and she had sort of a lovely ritual, lovely and lovely, kind of a little poem about the car and that.

Lovely.

And tell me more about Tarantino. She married or she married. She's Anon's or not. I don't think she's married. I think they're married to God, aren't there?

To Jesus. She's a not explained. That explains a lot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she's married to Jesus. So yeah, we had a prayer session that was married to a fair amount of people.

There is a lot of for a man in a church that believes in monogamy, it's got a lot of women around him. He's got a huge high.

Did you feel safe in the Caribbean? Well, I, I was see I felt safe driving, you know, in my own Bayona.

But I was I was like you, Lord, you have a whole waterfront. Do you. I do. I do. And do you have all your waterfront. Yeah.

I also remember all water. All water is holy water. Just not to be life by a priest. There's water in everyone's house. That's what I mean.

I mean, it's specifically little find that you'd give a few droplets to someone if they're leaving the door. Yeah. Sometimes it's it's empty more than as it dries out awful quick.

Doesn't I have a little bottle with me when I'm traveling and a few little little tiny bits of me and the Sacramento Bee knock one on the knock knock knock.

Walther's the only holy water is almost bringing up some on the way. I love stuff. So what do you want. Oh yeah we added a few liters replenished.

I don't bring a milk bottle now you get a two liter up there can't you just dip it in and. Well you can bring your own bottle like Christmas. Gallons of water is all over Karnac.

There's not a holy war. Yeah sure.

It's the only holy water really unless you go someone goes to Medjugorje and brings it back. Would you have the rosary beads in around the indicator my mother would always have given you know, she'd always have one left in the car. Yes. You know, yes.

Wrapped around the mirror with the Christian church, was in the car somewhere or other saw for the safe journey, for the safe journey of my sister has a year old little girl now and she still hasn't christened the child yet because of, you know, for different reasons. And she keep her in the car. Of course, that's what my aunt keeps saying to her.

You know, you're depriving the child of a lot of life if you don't baptize her soon. And she said, oh, yeah, well, I just haven't got around to it yet.

And she's like, well, you know, she's a year old now. And, you know, God forbid if something happens to her and she's not christened, I believe that they'll go to that limbo.

I don't know where they go.

Limbo, limbo, purgatory. Now, the thing about purgatory is you can be prayed out of purgatory.

All right. So say you are neither good nor bad, but you are more neither bad nor good. You know, I sort of middle-of-the-road look. No, not even Mirador.

I think if you're middle of the road to get into heaven, that's my field of three is where you're bad, but you're not bad enough to meet the devil. Do you know you're just a bit of a wagon, you know what I mean? Or a spatchcock, do you think? I thought if you got if you got blessed before you died, all your sins were. You know, absolved. If the priest comes into and goes, yeah, it got to find absolution.

Yeah, yeah maybe.

But there are some people who just go under the radar. Yeah. Go to Purgatory, but they can be prayed out of purgatory. And you come out of limbo though. Can you come out of limbo. Limbaugh's if you go down the lane, Limbaugh is Limbaugh's. Limbaugh is packed with lunatics and knew them all.

And they're the people that aren't uptight, they're the people that are baptized. I'll tell you, a lot of Chinese people in it, is there not a Russian does that there's a road near Iraqian, which is in the village of Rakhine, where I learned by my Irish back in the Gaeltacht.

And just as you come out of the hole and Karen and Constantinou Rieche and the locals call it shiest limbo is the laneway to the right outside the hall and Rakhine.

Karen, what's wrong with the people that have died there? Just it's just Gentech limbo. I started something down limbo. Limbo is the name of the laneway in Reichian and I stayed in limbo. I stayed in the house called Ticona. The fighting there, Madonna's Yea Madonna. And they would go, Cholita, where's the house? She's limbo. Limbo was the name of the laneway in.

What was that interesting.

Now there was hardly a road where they buried the on Crescenta.

I don't know what there's a name of a little less on that. Lost in the me is called limbo. She's limbo and the next time we're up there, tell me I'll drive it only.

But we might come over the podcast, The Real Life from Limbo. So you're in the car this morning with the nuns? Yes. No, isn't there?

I think that's that's a nice ritual we have of thrown but holy water. Oh, long.

I think, you know, it it just it's kind of something isn't it's kind of weird the way Irish people would say God bless. Yeah.

Especially Ronan Keating. He was out of fear. But now God bless. God bless. God bless. He's playing for the God bless.

So I think it's a nice even if you don't believe in God, it's just a nice kind of it's an Irish thing. It's nice gesture.

Gesture. Got me got you got between us no harm. That's a good mate. Jesus died in the cross. I have no hard feelings.

Again you do not great kind of good phrases box ends because the intention behind them is good. The intention behind them is a wish. You absolutely.

Yeah. Yeah I agree. And I like that. You know the little few prayers are nice. I do get a little bit, you know, when you're at a wake and the priest comes in, you have to do the rosary right after the press helps you do the rosary.

And, you know, the priest does the first one and then he waits for a family member to do the next one. I always freak out. I have a problem.

I never properly learned the rules.

You know, the bits like the jiggy bits.

Yeah, the start of us. Yeah, it's tricky. And often the days and the certain days you have the sorrowful mystery.

Joyful. Yes. The wonderful mysteries, the mysterious mysteries, the messy mysteries.

It was that I didn't learn another thing and the physical limitations of the cross didn't ever learn them either.

I used to walk around and stand their. This was a very long.

How do you learn the station goes on for days. Well, the older generation didn't know they know them. Wow.

So now you're coming down with your you wanted to know and I wasn't sure how to react like this with the Hail Mary with her and then she went into the pawn kind of thing and then she said the poem, you know, kind of a rhyme about the car and the people on oh, I can't remember it. I wasn't really paying attention.

God bless the car. We're not going far. There's a spa happening at a bar.

Yes, something like that. Yeah.

And and said man at the end of his bed. And then she did at three I think she did another three Hail Marys and a glory be the father.

Did you say to the Son. To the Holy Spirit. Yeah, I had the radio. I was at that awkward point where the radio was still on. She broke into the prayer. I didn't know whether I should turn the radio down or I then I. Oh, yeah.

I was sort of like in you're in limbo. Did you did you break it in? Did you then I sort of brought it down a few decimals and I was when I was young.

The speed limit because you drive she was fine on the speed limit.

She didn't overly panic.

Do you drive like you learned how to drive in an arcade? You drive like I stole the car. Right. You're very speedy. I know. And there's not many roads.

You did the there's none that you know, she did she take a name when she became a nun? Sister Aloysius.

She's so lovely. And she used to be a principal down in Clare in one of the secondary schools down in list environment. And, you know, if you're traveling and stuff, you'd meet people.

And where are you from or from or where are you from or from Mr Barnett or is did you have a teacher down there called Australia Wishes? I met this girl in Thailand and she says to me, yeah, she says we used to call her suspicious wishes.

She had us every time she said she'd come round the corner just when you get caught in a bit of trouble, that we definitely had a tough headmaster in Navan.

Did you God?

Because when Jesus died in the cross of no hard feelings against. But he was militant, he was the first, as far as I know, the first non-religious headmaster of a secondary school in Ireland.

So he must have been wellin with them to get the kind of the nod, if you know what I mean.

Yeah, he was next step.

And it's funny, he was a tough man, but he is like he thrived on it.

He was the Ferguson of headmaster and football.

But know he was he he he set fear into lads fear, pure fear.

We had a teacher like that. You can do a good impersonation.

Can you write it about yourself and get out. He had just gone out as a satisfied and asked what Lee Murphy was his name and how we got to address them.

Liam Spud Murphy was this was Spud was his nickname and I met him in later life and I found him charming and nice because he was away from those walls and buildings where he didn't have to be strict. He was strict. He ruled that school with an iron fist last time.

So he'd create tension and I and I could get out. If you are caught outside the class, if you were standing, if you're thrown out of a class because back then you were thrown out of class, you could be thrown out of class for a day, a week. I stood outside French class for three months just to stare at me like Miss Ryan threw me out for three months, three months, like, I mean, the stuff they got away with.

But it was brilliant. I just stood there for three months. It's like French class with a teacher.

And they did the door not allowed in.

She threw a duster at Dennis Carolann from Slane and broke his glasses and then said to him, Now look what you made me do.

One of the best one ever from school is this. And tell me, you know, we got you. But we the hardback copy for Irish essays in first and second year. So every Friday we tell the story. We were given a topic, oh, we have to tell this story.

But it is about tell me and tell us what to look at. I'm looking at the ground is ringing as soon as we speak.

The teacher did this is tell me to do the teacher says Tommy Tiernan on a podcast, looking at the ground going, Oh, can we tell this story?

That's worse, not only because it's a bit graphic, it's a bit graphic. Well, broadcast is graphic. It is. You could is it like that?

You got nine hundred youngsters in a school, 900 testosterone filled me walking round.

Can we tell this one? One tell us what? You have to build it up. No, it's terrible. It's not.

It's great. Well, you draw pictures though, so you're on the right track.

So we we we would have an essay to write in Australia every Friday and the topics, whatever. And you'd all have a special hardback copy for your essays.

The only essays where wrote God, please don't tell me this is going to be so Friday, Saturday, Sunday, you'd write your essay and then you'd hang it up on a Monday. So every Monday, someone to go around and collect the copies.

I'm getting sick already. I have. So now so one of the ways ago the teacher would say, go, go. Team politics. Nicole, parents, hand up your essays. Derek Dongen, go around there, collect the copies. The dongen would go around and collect the copies, the hardbacks, and he'd stack them up. And then he got a hold of Tomi's. And was it wrong? No, no, no, you're my veering, you're veering.

So what happened was somebody got a hold of your copy before you handled it? I was made set up at the very front.

So I'm a little schoolboy desk and she had a teacher desk. So there was a mine was going to come in in and lower than hers.

I mean, yes, she couldn't see your desk. So, no, she couldn't. She could.

But there was just a bit of a say a two or three inch rise. Yes. Yes. From my desk up to her desk. And she would often sit she would often sit on her desk and just be looking around.

And I was really, really and close to her. So. Oh, God, give me a sign in there. Just Pakistan and Afghanistan.

I'm not ready. OK, OK. You know, you can't pick that because that's my auntie surname Murphy. That's my auntie's marital surname and everything.

OK, don't say Morphy because they'll pick another surname, Ron Lewis.

No, no. You don't get sick with this Tommy Tiernan. You know, you can't say sorry, I've given you three random one from Scotland or somewhere.

I'm Loyn. I won't work it just so tenderloins. We'll go forward. The Foley. OK, Foley.

Well, imagine that the teacher's name was Foley, right? So I'm sitting on and I paid no attention to anything in school anyway. So it was back in the I can't remember.

We spent a year where the teachers came round to our classroom and then we went into the year where the teachers had classrooms and we'd go, right.

So this this is one of those where we go around.

So I come in and I sat down, I set up the front for Irish and I got all my copies and I just threw them on the I didn't give a shit.

I just threw them on the table like that to sit in their mind. Driftin thinking about some of the girls at the Mercy Convent, wondered, would I ever get the chance to go out with the government from the Loreta with the narrator.

Women were just, there were just a democracy and that's the mercy girls were nice spot that I.

They didn't have that glamour though. The girls weren't. They play hockey and stuff. Yes. And they would, would have had showers, cleaned the bikinis, the mercy women and they would have Mercy Girls.

But they are often. I did say you went to I went to a mercy school, but maybe I met you and I went I went to a year you went to Rio de Janeiro and you met a beautiful young woman from the favela, which is the kind of the shanty town.

And she's fine and she's gorgeous, but she's from the favela. And then you went to kind of to the dark of Rio de Janeiro or Coline and you met them with a posh Ipanema. Yeah. So that was the difference. The Girl from Ipanema.

So all the girls from the Loreto were the eponyms. Yes. And the.

Well, I think now I you know, that's a serious general comment. You know, I went out with a girl from Mercy. She was a border.

Anyway, this is I will get back to this a moment back to the MasterCard.

You're going to get a different story. So anyway, I were daydreaming. Marshall girls were all normal. There were normal. There were more. Erm yes. And they played Gaelic football and Loreta.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But anyway so I'm. Yeah yeah yeah. I'm sitting there dreaming of these girls are thinking about Liverpool or Alex Higgins or something like that.

And Mrs Foley is, is teaching away there. Right. And she's looking around and she said in distance she said that about Peg or Marchin or Derand or was that when.

No Sharon knew cash was in cash, got tartaric that concussion. I had no idea. Khaldiyeh in the media.

Yes, they're gone. I'm in charge at that point. There are a lot of Kashnow, aren't I? Lock Steve Wildhorn respray Gabrielle. That's the sort of shit that's got on on the blackboard. Right? Right.

So I'm sitting there and Mrs Foley is just looking around, taken away and her eyes are drifting from one floor to the next.

And then she comes knocking at me.

Now, I would have been liked by a lot of the teachers, but I would have been hated as well, because I was one of those one of those guys disruptive?

No, not somewhat instructive in a gentle way. Like it is kind of a little destructive. Like a tickle. Not like a punch. Right. You know what I mean?

Like, you didn't stop the whole class, but you weren't really partaking in the class. No, I was kind of harmless, but absent minded. Right. Do you know you'd look at me and go, there's no badness in that whole point.

I just can't get them focused.

Yeah, but they'd also know that I was quite smart, so frustrate them. Why can't we get this dreamer to focus on it?

Yes, yes, yes. I got my I got my into such results. Not just that results in having failed three subjects in the headmaster, Mr Murphy. He handed me and I remember he said, I hope this teaches you a lesson.

That's that's what he said when I got my junior cert results.

Anyway, who's collecting the copies? Listen. No, no, no, no backlashing.

So this fall is grants and she's glancing around and she sent this and she said that in her eyes are going from one little boy to the next. We're already about thirteen. And next thing she looks at me and she's talking away. And then she looked at my copy. And the class, everyone stops like that, like it stops now. Mm hmm. And then she makes eye contact and she stares at me with a kind of a question mark, she's looking at me, I'm I've no idea what's happening.

And then she looks down at my copybook. Oh, God, I'm right. I look down on my copybook. Oh, Jesus. One of my friends has written in marker. I love Folies GI or. Staffers in big right on my coffee on the harbor copy. Oh, no, right at the front. The front office. Oh no. In a pile. And his was on the top of the pile.

I love for Guy. Oh, that's a burn.

Now, this is on a Monday handed off your essay or how can a lad recover from something like that? Oh, I still haven't recovered from that. How can anyone look from. I actually thought it was going to be worse.

I know, but the word it's the it's the information of the word gay. Well, it's very juvenile. It's a funny pissoir. It isn't it? It's kind of there's no romance there, Maggie. I mean, I don't think you were aiming for romance.

You did not say you didn't like it at the time because you're gay. I would never even use that word.

Tommy, please never find out who did it. Oh, I did. Of course.

The next class, I was sitting beside somebody else. And I hope you did a back to them. No. And I said to this particular fella, let's call him John McCain. We call him John McCain.

No, the county manager's office. And that's not the same fella because he's from me. Okay. No, John. Filipino John. I'm sitting beside John Filipino in the next round.

And I'm saying to him, we have a head head of the farm like a class prefect.

No, I'm kind of a teacher who's in charge of your year. That is not the head. Yeah, they're called the year head year head. So. And I said, should I tell them about Mrs. Fawley's guy? And and he said, no, he shouldn't. You know, I don't think he should. I think you just keep it to yourself and take your bed and you'll be standing outside Irish until you do your leave it.

But I think were you thrown out there? And he was he was the Trump. Of course he was, because he said that's an awful thing to betray each other.

And it was a good copy because the hardback one. Yeah. And destroyed.

What did you say? Was it a cover? Could you take the cover off like I did, Bernie? I couldn't. I couldn't. Tippex over Tippex over that.

Oh oh.

It's seven o'clock in the evening. The soft rain coming in from the west seems down for the night. There's a Golden Globe when deputies the Amber Street lights reflected in the water, a seagull flies into the back of a truck. You see a child setting fire to a school like. A young woman squeezes into a red leather skirt, you walk into your favorite bar and it is full of your favorite people, you catch the barman's eye and say, powers, please pass.

And you think to yourself, what a wonderful world powers, bold character bottled.

Drink responsibly, visit, drink away, or Dotti. So, you know, I'm mad into the chanting, yes, yeah, you know, like religious chanting, you know, and I've been experimenting with different languages recently to see languages I don't understand to see what the effect it has on me. Right.

So I've been trying the Japanese chanting and I don't like it.

Find a single tiny little Homsi on those. I'm like, oh no. ACBL arms are Zim's or lawful.

I love the alphabet. I like the sound of that.

I would say the monastery above and ching in this orphanage and monastery outside Tokyo.

It's too hard and too harsh. Ding dong.

Now the Japanese lost their intention to honor killing, not honour killings.

That's the Iranians and the Indians shameful death of yourself. In other words, if you do something to let the family down, you stick a sword in your own stomach and die that they're very much into that. So they're very it's a harsh kind of samurai.

He do you are you are. We got I don't know if you were me. I love that.

I mean, Rosano we used to watch a program called Monkey Monkey Man, Monkey Magic Sanja, a monkey monkey driving around with a pig and the little bit.

But the monkey and the pig go around and they have we having adventures like people, people, people, monkey people they could shape shift into pigs and monkeys.

Yeah, but you know the pig at a pig Snowdonia I guess.

And you could just you could just jump up on top of, like, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, this way before Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Mark Swidler around like that in shapeshifting on top of the building.

It was just born after the television program, Monkey Man.

What I find the Japanese language too harsh, especially when now there's a great wisdom, they say, in the problem with a lot of religion.

My father said to me, some religion is alright, just don't take it too seriously. But sometimes with words like I got the Bible, it sets off associations that logically I can't accept. OK, so if you read a bit of the Bible and I quote, that makes no sense to me. So how can I believe that when my own brain is sent to me?

And what were Japanese you got?

The whole point of it is that you're talking for Irish people. And in this particular chanting culture that I belong to is that you chant things you don't understand because you bypassed. When did you start this age?

Can I join it? Yes, really.

You bypass the logical mind and then you just somebody can I just establish to somebody teach you this?

Or did you just know you are on the computer? I love you. You're in the morning call to prayer. Yeah. So then what then I started doing was the Japanese doesn't suit me. It is too. It's too strict.

We all remember samurai. What was his name. John. John. You get the sword and he shove it straight and he killed himself. We study my scrunches samurai sword samurai.

That's the way the samurai kill each other. No samurai comes up to us.

And then they say at the end we Salibi Scott and we just see you later before they take their last breath.

But I know what you're coming from, Tommy, the Japanese, the proud people. It's too, it's too Japanese.

The Japanese. She said that like they were the kamikaze pilots. I think I just stuck something in her. I know I can.

All these images are coming back of monkey and samurai, but the kamikaze guys like they come up with that of of instead of having said of the plane having bombs, the plane would be a bomb that the kamikazes are you know, you look you know, your fucking explosion, so.

Oh, God. Anyway, so I found that a bit harsh. Well, that's the Japanese.

It just it wouldn't suit my temperament. I'm a bit more romantic.

So then I got into this language called Paly, which is the they say the original language that the Buddha spoke. And I began chanting and parly. And I love the chance. Have you got a book in the palace?

There's just something again, I don't I don't understand what they're saying, but there's just so much. Listen to this now, OK?

Namo Tarsa, Varg of Art, all are heart some some Buddha SA Namo Tarsier, Varga, our heart or some some Budha, some.

There's one more take. Keep going. No it's not just a beautiful. It is, it is just kind of get you in a kind of get into Zorn.

You have no idea what you're saying but something about it kind of just. And, you know, it started me thinking about the power of words, right? You know, and like, say you go to Anfield right now.

I know.

And you're both man united fans and you've a great idea just when you take me home country roads by doing that to you. Yes, I said yes. I said yes. I said, you have to get go on the road to give it to us. Yet I said, you can't say united. You have to go. Yeah, I should've said so.

If you have seventy seven thousand people chanting that. Yeah that must be.

Yeah I guess. Yeah I that's. Yeah, I said yeah, I said yeah, I said to Field Artillery to get you to believe that it just so even though you might be a Spurs supporter, even just to think that you go to Anfield. Yes.

Whoo hoo! Where are your. It's just yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, I don't need to try and listen to just the emotion of it and let me know.

I think the key. You know, there's something about roarin raw and not just an Irish soccer. Irish Gaelic songs in Gaelic, really, apart from the fact that guards are trained in song, what's that covered by blow by blow?

That is a signal that Templer more special but the greatest song in Irish soccer.

Now, I used to go to keep going and going. I just had one of the most phenomenal songs. It made absolutely no fuckin sense whatsoever.

And once chance, it was mainly instigated by a lot of students, used to come out to the United Matches and they just up to fuckin mischief. And every hole matches I went to in the mid 1990s, but 15 minutes into the match, this in a fuckin yellow scarf and a plastic machine gun. But this makes no sense. Do you know the Yasser Arafat PLO?

Oh, yes, everywhere.

There's always one or two Redwall where this guy would just appear out of nowhere with a plastic machine gun and start thinking Muja little Muja Mujahideen and trying to win a football match in the fucking west of Ireland, Galway versus the other Mujer, the Muja.

The Mujahideen makes no sense whatsoever, but it was all everyone got involved.

I was born under a corrugated shed underdog, but that the greatest Irish soccer chant I've ever heard of was I got this via Andrew Maxwell, phenomenal Irish comedian told me the story.

There was a footballer for Dairy Dairy City, but him, a Felix Healey and Felix Healey was a striker. And every time he scored the car to go, he left.

He left.

And yeah, he'd be running out of the hands of India. So they were playing the game over the Christmas period, right, and actually fucking Felic scores actually defined stashed away in our major no food for his bed.

The little Lord Jesus laid out his sweet head. The stars in the night sky shone down where he let know it's not just brilliant.

I think it's time to check in and see how the future president of the United States of America is doing. How's Joe Biden? Well, it's just worse.

Macaulay Culkin just we need to explain to people why in time where we're doing this. So I am a cousin of Joe Biden, the cousin of Joe Biden.

You're the only for that was invited up onto the stage with Joe Biden at a rally. And that is also in the short promotional video, which we might release, which we should release if we can find a platform of the audio on the podcast.

When Joe got the Congressional Medal of Honor, a Larita is in the video in the White House with Obama, with Joe Biden getting the thing. So how is Joe doing these days?

Well, it looks very good from now, Lards, and I think we could be onto a winner here. How? It's not what those in with Hillary, though.

Yeah, I know. But things are a lot different with Joe Biden. Like he's he's taller. Yeah, he's taller. And he looks like a president.

Like a dad does look and sound and he sounds like one.

OK, ok. OK. Old he's not.

Well he is the president in America 70 plus. So was Donald Trump.

His old Trump is a legend. Trump has superpowers.

Did you hear the story before we go on covid came for Trump and he just said allege that they have footage of him in the hospital. Ayten Corvet he fuckin they said you have covered his head, put it in a fucking bathroom, watch this.

And they sucked the Corvette out of him and put it into a floury back and he fuckin asks what do you what do you hear the story about when he was being released from hospital, he had come up with this brilliant idea that he should wear a Superman T-shirt inside his shirt so that when he came out of the hospital to reveal that he was healed or as you say, and he's cured, he was going to rip his shirt open.

You have a Superman T-shirt because he's a fuckin legend. That's real, though.

This you know, like you have to say, Larita, that him surviving and getting a blast of that vaccine or the drug from Regeneron, from Lemrick, he has walked out of there. He was out of his mind.

Only side effect was, you know, a Lemrick accent on an extra time.

He's Broner now than he ever everyone of America. I don't know how far I'm off my marks on Yorke's. I'm on the job right now, but I'm going ahead. And you we're doing a tremendous amount of sales. New York, we're a great no.

But when I saw him waving in the car and he out of us on drugs and it's brilliant, he's brilliant.

He's infected. There's multiple infected in the White House than there is. And he's in the fall of Knowland. There is he is infected. He's infected them with hope.

You I think Tommy you know, Tommy is a Trump person or Trump.

Trump Trump is good.

Yes.

So obviously, like I like Joe Biden as a person because I know him, you know, when I'm very, very funny, just loyal to him and I'm very, you know, and I'm behind them 100 percent.

And I swear to God, your attitude will change dramatically on the 4th November towards me, Greta, because I will be able to call in drone strikes.

A lot of people will even be allowed to do the podcast if he gets in. I don't know, because I think I'm going to have to have a Secret Service person come and live with me, not live with me. But they'll have to stay outside the door now all the time.

Are you going to go to when are you going to go to America?

Well, I wanted to go for the election. I was going to bring you as well. Yeah, but we can't fly there, know.

So we can fly there. Well, what if you've got a green card passport, three separate plans or we could just get a price. I got a visa. I get a visa. We get a working visa. Yeah. Why don't we get a private jet? Because about 5000 euro for us we could borrow MacGregor's.

Paul McGraths is a private chat room, I think. MacGregor McGregor. Yeah, we could ask him to bring us back.

Larita No this is Ballymaloe.

They have a private jet have they. What's gotten name. Doreen. Daphne. No, Darina.

I have a private jet with Ballymaloe written on. It's called Ballymena 747. Cherney And it's chutney sandwiches Incyte. Sure. So we we can't go for November, but we might be able to go for the inauguration and I'll definitely be involved.

Well, you know, so how would you get invited? Well, I bring you as far as the gate of the White House or something. And then what can drop us like upstairs?

I said, why would we do end up in a bar drinking Coors Light? No, I definitely like to believe that.

How many people are allowed go to the Inauguration Day?

Lots. There was five million Strom's. Oh, well, yeah, but they were they were, as I'd like to call them, commoners that were outside.

Oh, now this is where this is where the despicable that comes in. No, but I would like I'll bring you to us.

How much are you living this at the moment. Because and Sky. Are you watching this every night?

I'm watching it every minute of the day.

And watch the vice president town hall taking all the other thing. I watch it come out called they call her in America. Komala, come, come look. And we're looking really good.

She's brilliant, you know, and I think she's quite charismatic and she's young and she's she's like, this is the great thing.

She's no Mike Pence. I like fancy boy, boring and reliable.

And so if he was to play a position on a football field, he would put him in gold. No, you wouldn't. He'd own the fucking team. No, you'd put him on gold, Larita.

He'd be reliable and solid and he wouldn't talk very much.

Could you get so if you can get himself knocked over for the inauguration, is there any way we'd be able to make decisions, decisions on foreign foreign trade policy?

Maybe. Maybe we I wonder, would he be able to give us a decision to run an American policy like Idaho?

No, no, no. I mean, we would be in charge of all visas and green cards for Irish people.

Could international we be sure we'd be able to from Jacksonville to New York.

We want what we're looking to do is, first of all, get the boys who did the Big Dig in Boston that doggone to the seventeen motorway. We'll get them to dig a channel tunnel, a tunnel between America, between Boston and Inish more.

I would do nine hundred broken up agreements. Imagine that a one way in a for Irish people between Boston and Killoran we could call it the Biden bypass.

The Biden bullet train. Four hours and you're and more. Could you imagine we'd have apple greens.

We have our village down there.

A Buckfast factory halfway 8000 fucking tollbooth. I wonder what it cost to get from Boston to any more.

So it's exciting, though, for you, isn't it?

It's exciting for me because I like I'm not one of these relations that they've just dug up out of, you know, the ground. Yeah. And just said, oh, here, look at your Irish and you can be my cousin kind of thing.

So I've I was there in February, went off to Nevada and Vegas, and I went canvassing for them and I spent the week I spent ten days there on the trip and going around with them on a credible.

And Laurita, at the top of that, this piece, Tommy said that you were in a promotional video. Before we play the audio, can you just talk us through exactly what happened on that day?

So I was very keen to get to the White House while Joe Biden was still the president or vice president. So I used to probably kind of stock them a lot and email them and say, oh, can I come over this weekend or could I go over this week?

So they eventually were like, oh, yeah, listen, like I got a few dates and then things would change, would eat of business, and then I'd have to go Kootingal, whatever. So on the Tuesday I before we went over, it was around the 10th of June or January, I think.

So the Tuesday evening I found out green light, you can come back. The flight that night flew the next morning. Would you fly with American or airlines United United.

And when you were what did you have to tell the security people in Shannon that you were doing or. I did.

I went from Dublin, but I thought, you know, when you go through immigration of the whatever you call it, down the bottom of Dublin airport, I said to them, they were like, oh, what's the matter? You know, the purpose of your trip? And I said, I'm going to the White House. And you're one got ecstatic because, of course, his picture was up on the wall as well because he was the vice president.

You know, the picture they got the president ecstatic.

Absolutely. They were ecstatic.

She was thrilled and so excited. Oh, my God. And I you know, they have to ask you where you're staying, what's the address? And I was like gave her the address of the White House that she's there right now because that's that's the White House. I said, I know I'm staying there for three days.

Sixteen hundred Pennsylvania Avenue or something. Yeah.

So I arrived over and then I got a phone call. They had somebody pick me up, take me to the ER or to the hotel. And on the way there they rang me and said, Oh, look, we're glad you've arrived safely. Listen, we've had to tell the vice president that your trip had to be. Canceled. And I said a wife or something really important does happen tomorrow. We don't know what it is, but the president has asked for Joe Biden for the afternoon.

So we've just said, look, he can come, but you come as scheduled and we'll get you in very quietly. We'll make sure he doesn't see that you're here and blah, blah.

So arrived at the White House and that was boys with guns and some armor on them and the whole lot.

And they were just like big, big, fierce fellows and big.

And I was Silverbridge about where they were when they were walkie talkies big and they had big guns as well as guns, you know, big muscles.

So I came over and I said, hi. I was like, I'm Joe Biden's cousin. I'm here to visit him.

And your man was very good at bad news. He said, you know, the vice president's, after having to leave, go off on an official. Well, to be honest, now, I don't care.

I'm here to visit him and I'm going in there. What or not.

So my brother was with me and my brother in law, and they were like, just stop, you know, just be respectful, whatever. They were having a bit of a laugh with me. And I was like, oh, my God, you're a big, fierce man, aren't you? And I was doing all this flirting. And Robin, as part of the red nails done, I had the red nails done and I had the high heels on and the whole lot so arrived in and it was like going through airport security.

You know, we have to take your bag off. You have to take your shoes off. You have to go through all this.

And then the next thing, they just give me a little bodged programatic. And they were like, OK, enjoy your time at the White House. And they just let me off, roam around. I was up.

You know, the picture that you see of the White House in front of all the news reports?

Yeah, I was up hanging outside the door, getting photographs there. And then his staff were like, oh, come over here over to the West Wing, then went to the West Wing.

And there was just like the army is where was the room with the fuckin bomb or the Situation Room where you press the situation. You can fucking blow up Brazil.

Yeah, I saw that.

And it was I was like, girl and father. Ted, don't press the red button.

So and all the army guys were there in the red jackets and they just opened the door for you and solutions. You know, it was all like some kind of serious sexy is hard to believe. And then obviously they brought me in. They showed me where were the staff of all like the vice president and the president would eat their food. And then they showed like the official canteen where like the president and the vice president, did they waterboard, you know?

No, no. They didn't watch me. No, no. They didn't do that first. No, no, I wasn't.

I'm not used to this. I'm not from I'm not from the north. I just.

OK, so then I was there for that. I was actually I was a bit disappointed, to be honest. Went to the white. They brought us over to the door.

The waterboarding thing is take over your head. Guantanamo Bay. Yeah. Yeah, it was Guantanamo Bay there as well as any interrogation.

Was there any interrogation room they slapped around the place? Yeah, well, maybe we should save that for another podcast.

Where are you from now? I'm not telling you. What do you mean? When's the last time I want to cut it up? I'm not telling you. They put out like I said, tell me what you think. They know what to do with the all 996.

Yes. Does. OK, so yeah, it was a bit of that. And then they brought us to the dining room at the White House and it was all like, you're singing God, it's Whitbourne.

Like this is glass water. They're outside. And I was Hannibal Lecter got all the way.

Tell me your relationship with Willie Joe Biden.

I'd obviously that it was just a big bloody it was all exciting. He got the Medal of Freedom. It was. Yeah, but he can park anywhere in our county. We could do that. Yeah, he can. And he can. Yeah.

Anyone can in and around get milk for free in a roundabout way way and he can bring it, he can bring sheep anywhere as I said in a roundabout way.

Sure. Themselves just you just tell us just there. I wanted to get to that, that, that piece of the audio we're going to hear is Joe Biden.

You were sitting beside who I was sitting beside my brother, who was I had to drag out of the toilets, the White House, because he was checking out the piping system. Yeah, the toilets.

Yeah. Was so this goddamn shit man, his mother fucker.

Joe Biden, your brother was in check it out. The piping system in the Jackson.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's getting fucking whacked. It was no Jerry.

Was he down on this honkers looking at the pipe. Yeah.

Yeah, I was there with the post office credit card rolled up for twenty dollar gold motherfucker. Good shit. Here in Washington, DC.

I saw you walk, you walk back out and you sat down and I was. What happened? Who was around you?

Well, I was I was with the Joe Biden's family and Michelle Obama was there and their daughters.

That is mad. We see in front of you where you just she was just throwing it all out of our hair.

Were you? Look. Thankfully, she was last thankfully, she was to the right of me because she's quite tall and I was quite small, she would have blocked my view cheeks, big calves. Yeah, I didn't pay particular attention to it.

And then afterwards I got to meet them, Barack and Michelle and the children.

And this is a clip. And then we had the biggest party ever.

It was brilliant outside afterwards. Wow. Yeah. And then I went to a Republican club afterwards and that's when the crowd started. Now a Republican club is where it's like it's like a member of the club for Republicans.

Yeah. I was a good fun there. It was brilliant, really. It was. It was only men in there. I don't know. Was it a men's only club, but only men.

And you and me and I arrived because I was having wine and champagne and vodka and everything in the White House. I went in and I was pulling men by the toys and putting their toys into my mouth and dragging them across. And I was the only club in the White House called. It was across the road. It's like it's like it was like an orange and all the officer's mess.

We're all the business and we're all the business goes. What was going on in there was it was a and then you got it was a secret and not got the male knock.

Yeah. Had to do with a secret knock. And then I went in and I was like, I'm Joe Biden's cousin and I'm here to entertain you. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot at the end of seventy eight. So it was like there wasn't a business card in the place.

I didn't have man by going home. I had them all absolutely whipped up into it.

And of course, you know, when you're Irish, you're putting on that old brogue with me or talk. They were that they weren't.

There was stars coming out and I can I just say, will you please, please? When your cousin becomes the president of the United States of America, will you please bring me and talk me into that officer's mess? Oh, yeah, we will. We will all deejay in there.

We stick on the Prodigy with everything you want out of the little Bronsky. Just watch Fox News in there.

Don't go.

Wow. It's exciting times. Exciting. We can we'll give you more updates next week. Biden time.

Well, everybody, I hope you've enjoyed this week's podcast with Tommy and the recent please talk to you next week.

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