That feeling, I mean, honestly, I will I will never forget it just, you know, your heart dropping into your stomach. I mean, it's it's unreal.

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I've always been kind of I guess a wild child would be the way to put it, I was certainly rebellious. You know, my brother and I, of course, being two boys, of course, we fought and roughhouse, you know, like normal boys do. But for the most part, my early childhood, I think I was a pretty good natured kid. I think I was wasn't particularly hard on my mother or anything.

My parents divorced when I was about three or four, my mother took us to Houston and moved us about 13 hours away from my father in Memphis. But for the most part, as far as having a good divorce, it was pretty normal, I would say.

We grew up in a very loving home as far as our mother, she was honestly the most giving person and the most generous person I've ever known.

One of her biggest things, you know, being in charge, she would take people off the street, literally take people off the street, and one person that she was most proud of was this woman who had been on crack like 40 years or something. She literally took her off the street or out of a shelter one and got her job. And the woman went on to work there for like 10 years.

And, you know, a lot of ways my mom was that to a lot of people, like it kind of encapsulates my mother and who she was. She she was a guardian angel. And she did want to look over people no matter how bad things were with her. She was driven by by giving and being generous and being a loving soul and a loving character. Like we had pigs in our backyard that she saved. We had sugar gliders and we had a bird for like five years that she saved had a broken wing.

It was a little baby that was abandoned. And she nursed that back to health. And, you know, those are some of my fondest memories of my mother, was just her compassion, how she could feel for any living creature and how she was always thinking of others, whether it was an animal or another person.

But as far as the overall tone of the household, my earliest memories were kind of being scared. My mom drank a lot, and that's kind of where she met most men, and I think even my father, she met at a bar, so my mother met the man she would ultimately be with for the rest of her life when I was about six or seven years old. Before he moved in with us, we were all over there and he was fighting with my mother and he took a case of beer, he threw it at her head and she barely missed it, exploded against the wall.

And that's probably my earliest memory of him. And so that kind of set the tone for the way things would be. You know, coming home from school, you never knew what to expect. He would also get home about two or three hours before my mother and I feel like those were the scariest times for my brother and I both we had a really hard time coping and learning how to deal with him in those hours, because by the time my mother was home, he was already typically plastered.

He was typically already hammered. He started drinking as soon as he got home. And that's really when most of the abuse occurred in the Times that that he was alone with us in those few hours.

He really liked thumping our ears if he thought we were saying something stupid or, you know, maybe slapped in the face, he also had a paddle that he was very proud of, that he made it had a lightning bolt that he had engraved on it, and he would hit us with it. And he thought it was just hilarious that, you know, there would be a lightning bolt on our ass, you know, after he hit us with it.

What was most striking to me and what probably affected me into my adulthood was mostly the verbal abuse. You know, he would call us faggots, sissy boys. He thought that we were mama's boys. I mean, of course, we were naturally attached to our mother. You know, we were scared of this man. And and that was our only safe place was our mother in the home. So we were especially me, more so than my little brother.

I was very attached to my mother. I needed her. And he really made me feel that I was less less of a man. Growing up in that, of course, there were times where I wanted to prove to him that I was a man and, you know, I would end up going on these trips with him. He had this really odd friend that lived in the woods and Jack called him Bigfoot and he was this man that was probably six, seven, six, eight.

He lived literally in the middle of the woods outside of Houston. He lived in the woods and he never wore shoes. So he walked around the woods barefoot. And Jack would go there every weekend and they would drink together, hunt and fish. Bigfoot, literally, he only what he killed, he lived off of essentially, you know, what he killed in beer and he would take the beer cans that he drank and and beer cans that he found.

And he would use that money to buy more beer.

I can't say I hated the guy, but he was definitely nerve wracking to be around him. Really, those times I've probably blocked those times out more than any, because that's when he was probably the most abusive. I remember one time I was probably nine, and he put me on a wild horse, there was a wild horse out there and he thought it'd be funny to put me on the horse and slap its ass. So the horse bumped me off and I probably was probably 10, 12 feet in the air.

And I came down on my ankle and I remember him calling me a pussy, you know, because I was crying. To this day, I you know, I've never been on a horse since then. So I think most of all, my mom really liked having a drinking buddy, somebody who was possibly worse off than her. I think it kind of made her feel better about where she was and about her functionality. And so I think a lot of the reason that she was with Jack was he really was worse than her and she was really the breadwinner.

I mean, she paid all the bills. Want to understand, you know, he barely could support himself. He certainly couldn't support me or my brother or even as you know, he had two daughters of his own who he had almost no relationship with and an ex-wife who absolutely despised him. Also, I think my mother really liked the fact that in that kind of rugged sense, he was, I guess, a manly man. He was also really big in the guns, of course, he even settled down under his pillow the entire time I knew him, he had one under his pillow and two or three under his bed.

You know, he was very into guns. And so she also kind of felt protected, I think.

My mother was able to hide a lot of the abuse against her, especially early on, she would kind of barricade us in our room every night, really, you know, we would hear the the cussing and, you know, him calling my mom a bitch and a slut and a whore. And he would say, you know, I've never put my hands on your mother. And he would kind of brag about that. But it didn't really take long before I started to realize that he that he was.

My mother had probably been with Jack for about five years now, I was probably 12 years old and things really started to pick up as I started to become more aware of what was going on. And I started to realize more and more that something was wrong. The older I got, the more jealous he was of my mother's relationship with my brother and I and my mother would tell us this, he was very jealous that my mother always loved us more no matter what he did or no matter what, we going to take precedence over him no matter what.

There was one Marine specific, we were in the living room and he was sitting there and he was yelling at me and threatening me with the gun, you know. You know, of course, I was crying. I was scared. And I remember my mom coming home and I run up to her screaming and sobbing, you know, and I'm telling her, you know, Jack's got a gun. You know, he's threatening me. He comes up there and I remember he yells, you know, you fucking idiot, you fucking liar.

You know, your kid's a nut. He's just crazy. I don't know why you would say that stuff. I think it was very hard for to believe. So she kind of cast it off. You know, she always had a way of normalizing it and that would happen a lot. I don't think she ever really realized how bad it was in those hours that she wasn't home.

When I was 13 years old, she tried to overdose and I remember she had to sleep in my bed because my bed was closest to the bathroom and I remember her as being extremely sick, you know, for days. And so my aunt came to visit and that was the first time anyone in the family really questioned what was going on in the house. And they kind of asked me how bad the relationship was between her and Jack. And I remember breaking down.

It was the first time I ever told anybody the truth about what was going on there. And I remember Jack coming out. He was listening through the door. You know, he comes out, he's like, you're a fucking liar. How the fuck would you say those things? Your mom's the one who's a piece of shit. You know, she tried to kill herself. You know, she doesn't love you. That means she doesn't love you.

She didn't want to be on this earth with you. And you're going to sit here and point fingers at me like I caused this.

If you want to hate anybody, hate your mother. Things certainly started to escalate in that time period, and I think the feelings of terror really did shift to anger, hearing the way you spoke, my mother, and feeling like I was the man of the house and that I was responsible for my mother.

So we really started treating me less and less like a boy, you know? And I think that made me even more so want to confront him, stand up to him, to show him, you know, the type of boy that I was, the type of man that I wanted to be. Also at this time, probably at 13, 14 years old, that's when I also started to harbor resentment for my mother. The more times the police came to the house and my mom refused to press charges, you know, this is her house, she paid for this house and he just beat the shit out of my mom or he hurt my brother or hurt myself.

He's blind drunk and we are packing up and we are staying in a hotel for a week. That was really hard for me that I really did start to blame my mother, I really did start to, you know, resent my mother for that. What would be the eventual demise of my stay in Houston with my mother was an incident where I was cussing at my mother. I had some friends over and I was really wary about having friends over.

I really didn't like to have them over. I was embarrassed of my home life on top of everything else. You know, my mom is completely plastered and my mom, this one specific night was kind of all over me and was embarrassing me. She was very drunk. She was stumbling and and being too affectionate. And, you know, I essentially told her, just leave us alone, you know? Except, of course, I was cussing and cursing.

And so she calls my father. She's really upset. She's crying. My father is trying to understand what's going on. My mom's telling them, you know, your son so disrespectful. You know, you talk some sense into him. And so I'm trying to talk to my father and explain to him why I'm annoyed with my mom. And at that time, Jack comes up the stairs and he tells me, you know, if you ever talk to your mother that way, if you curse at your mother, I'm going to beat your fucking ass.

I dropped the phone and I'm like, you know what? And, you know, if I can do it, then, you know, if you're going to beat my ass, then just do it. And he picks me up by my throat and attempts to throw me out of a second story window, the window shatters and cuts up my back and my shirt. The only thing that keeps me from falling out of the window is the screen. The screen catches me.

And so he picks me back up on my throat and kind of runs me through the glass a little bit. And he slams me on the ground and picks me back up again and slams me on the bed. He's punching me in the ribs and strangling me. So I'm kicking him and my mother's screaming and crying, you know, get off of him like, please, Jack, you know, why are you doing this?

He had diabetes, so he would get literally red, he had yellow eyes from jaundice and his liver was fucked up from all the drinking. And so, I mean, if you can picture this, he was just he was always in his tidy whities, always his body's completely red. And it was just the scariest thing, you know, just this red man with yellow eyes and the veins in his eyes would pop out and just attack me in that way.

And of course, he's pissed, drunk, she's completely plastered and he kind of looks up and realizes what he's doing. I mean, his face is blood red and he kind of looks around. He looks at my mother on the ground screaming and he kind of just gets off of me, lets go of my neck and just walks downstairs calmly. I hear my dad screaming on the phone and I pick up the phone and my dad's saying, you know, give me a flight to Houston right now, you know, he was ready to come down there and kill Jack honestly.

But he was talked out of that, you know, for one. Jack was very into guns, but it didn't matter anyway, because at that time, my brother and my friends are across the hall, you know, mortified. They're mortified. They watched this whole thing happen. My brother has called the police.

And so by the time Jack's finished, the police are already there, you know, so he walks downstairs and he lays in the bed and his tidy whities and starts watching TV till I get there because he knows they're coming. You know, he's been through this before this it's probably a six or seven time. He's gone through this.

And so he was relaxed as ever. He's used to this. He knows, you know. You know, I'm staying. I remember them kind of saying to my mother, so we're taking them to jail, all we need for you to do is sign off on the charges, want my mom looking at them and looking at me. And I already knew, you know, even at that age, I knew what she was thinking. And, you know, she starts bawling and says, I'm sorry, you know, I won't press charges against.

That that time, I think I never been more disappointed, my mom probably never been as disappointed in anyone in my whole life. Feeling so let down by my own mother, who loved me so dearly, and so it was so conflicting for me, you know, the person I love most in this world to choose him after something so violent. Once again, my mother and my brother and I packed up and left the house and Jack stayed. My most overwhelming feeling at that time really was betrayal.

It really was just being completely let down and being so conflicted. She really was so giving and so loyal. And so, I mean, just unwavering love. I mean, there was never a time where my mother ever made me feel unwanted or unloved. But in that moment, that's the one time in my life where I felt like my mother didn't want me. Just even going up and looking at the room where it happened, you know, seeing a shattered window and the glass everywhere in the blood, and for me it's just looking at that and just thinking how the fuck could she overlook this?

How could she give him another chance? And now my dad's finally realized what's going on in the household and it was over, you know, we were we were going to move in with my dad and my mom actually did leave. At this point, she might not have press charges, but she actually did move in with her mother and stepfather in Memphis. And my brother and I moved in with my father in Alabama. I was terrified of what was to come.

I didn't mean anything, I didn't want to leave my mother. I loved her dearly.

And when I found out I was living with my dad, I was extremely disappointed. I did not want to leave my mother. I was a mama's boy.

I don't believe I was ever really, truly able to reconcile that moment, and even now, I still don't think I've truly been able to reconcile her decision. Ultimately, the way I treated her after it happened, I think it really led to her going back to him. I knew our relationship was going to be almost nonexistent and that made it even worse for me. Today's episode of This is actually Happening is brought to you by the incredible podcast, The Confessional.

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When I left Houston that summer of my eighth grade year, I never saw my friends again. I never upset by starting high school and a very unfamiliar place. So it was complete culture shock for me. I did have a lot of friends in that aspect, I had a lot of fun in high school and those are some of the best times. But I was rebellious and I had a hard time with respecting power figures and power structures, people who had power over me, you know, people you should generally respect.

And a lot of that was because I had such little respect for my mother and my my stepfather.

When I left high school, I always knew that I was going to go in the military after I graduated, so I signed up. I was 17.

That ship me off to Basic and I went through basic and I ended up going to airborne school, which was probably the biggest accomplishment of my life up to this point.

And so it was really a prideful moment for me, given everything I've been through and in getting to that moment.

For the first time since I was probably 12 or 13 years old, I was sober for about a year. But when I came home, I ended up being worse off than I ever was. The first thing I did when I came home, before I even saw my parents, I ended up doing some pills and that was ultimately my undoing. After being on drugs for a few years after the military, I was arrested and it was essentially drug related.

You know, I did some pretty terrible things at that time and I really hurt a lot of the people I loved, especially my father and my stepmother. I really gave him hell. I he really had a lot of trouble with me. And he's just such a loving person and just, you know, and he just genuinely believed in me so much. And for him to see me go through the military and succeed in that way and have such a high, you know, it was such a high in my life.

I think it was so hard for him to believe that I was on a destructive path.

And so I think that was probably the hardest thing for me, was really hurting my dad at that time in my relationship with my mother at that time was very in and out, very sporadic, essentially nonexistent.

I was 20 years old, my brother was 18, my brother had just graduated high school, so this is September of twenty fifteen. This is right after I was arrested. I actually went and stayed in San Antonio. So my mother live in Houston at the time and I went and stayed with her sister. She kind of helped me get to a better place in my addiction and kind of get off drugs. And so I spent about three months in San Antonio and my mom, she came along with my girlfriend at the time, my brother and his fiancee.

And at that time I had never seen my mom look so horrible. I mean, she had lost probably 50 pounds. She was drinking a lot. She was just shaky and so scared. So our relationship actually began to take a turn for the better. For a moment, I really did kind of believe that she was ready to leave.

And and that's how things were starting to look, is that she was getting more and more geared up to actually leave him.

She was wearing the abuse, if that makes any sense. She literally you know, it was her entire being at that point. It was impossible to separate the functional Stephanie to the abuse Stephanie, like she had once been able to hide so well.

And she was actually telling my at the time that I was living with that she was going to leave.

My aunt begs her to stay. You know, you can leave now and we'll figure out a way to get your stuff later and get him out of the house. My mom ultimately decides to go home and a couple of weeks later, I go home for Thanksgiving.

So my whole family's there except for my mother. We meet at my grandparents house. My mother had promised me a new phone for Christmas and I was on my mom's phone plan. So I call her and this is the first time Jack spoken to me since since that night when everything happened and he takes the phone from her and he's like, you're a fucking thief, you're a criminal, you're a piece of shit.

Your mom's not going to do another damn thing for you.

Eventually, the phone shuts off. 30 minutes later, my mom calls me and she's whimpering. I mean, she's you can tell she's outside and she's telling me, Evan, I just want you to know that I love you and that you always need to know, you know, no matter what happens to me that I love you and that you are the most important thing in my life and the most important people in my life.

And she's telling me for the first time, she's whimpering and she's saying, Evan, you know, I'm scared. This is the first time she's ever told me that she was scared for her life. She said, Evan, I've got to leave. I've never been this scared in my entire life, is what she said. And so I hear him come outside, I guess he's been looking forward to the whole time, he's screaming, you know, who the fuck are you talking to?

He's acting as if she was calling another man. And my mom starts screaming, It's my son, Jack. I'm talking to my son. And all of a sudden I hear her scream and the phone just clicks. I'm with my mom's family at that time, so everybody's really worried about my mother. A couple of days later, somebody gets in touch with her and we assume everything is OK. I heard from her a little bit sporadically, you know, for the holidays.

Probably a month later, my mom called me telling me that my grandmother, her mother had had passed away. So her mother died in January, and my mom shows up to the funeral with an extremely bad broken arm, and like I said earlier, she was extremely frail. She I mean, she looked like a completely different person. People who hadn't seen her a few years, they did not recognize my my mother, a family member, actually asked my aunt who that woman was.

And so she shows up with a broken arm. And she told me that she was bent over pulling weeds in her garden and that she fell into a bench and it broke her shoulder. Her bone was pulled out of socket and snapped in half. It wasn't physically possible for her to fall into a bench and for the boat, like maybe the bone could have snapped, but for it to be pulled out of socket, she would have had either been violently shaken or she'd had been thrown by her arm or dragged by her arm.

You know, it had to mean somebody pulling her.

Clearly, he has done something, you know, at this point. This is essentially proof that he is physically abusing her in a way that's, you know, extremely violent. People really tried extremely hard to get her out of the relationship. I mean, I remember people being very concerned about her going back to Houston. So it's February 21st now I'm living with my parents again, my my dad, my stepmother, so my father and my stepmother come in my room and it was very unusual for my my dad to come upstairs and wake me up and for them both to my room.

It startled me awake and I realized that something was terribly wrong, like just intuition. I guess I knew something was terribly wrong.

And my my dad comes right out with it.

Jack called your grandfather this morning. Your mother passed away. She was she was shot in the head and killed last night at around 9:00 or 10:00 at night. That feeling, I mean, honestly, I will I will never forget it just, you know, your heart dropping into your stomach. I mean, it's it's unreal. I just kind of went crazy, I was punching holes in walls and dislocated my knuckle just about and, you know, I was just going crazy.

And so I actually ended up driving. My brother was going to University Alabama, and I actually drove down myself and told my brother in person.

And that was part of the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was was telling my brother, my little brother, that that our mother had passed away. So at first, we are told by my family that it's a suicide. They made it sound as if there was no doubt she killed herself.

Had been drinking and that Jack had said that she grabbed his pistol from under his pillow, sat down on the couch next to him while he was watching television and blew her brains out right, right there next to him.

From what Jack had said, he immediately calls the police because calls on one and they get her in an ambulance and supposedly she's not dead yet. Supposedly she didn't die in the home. She died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. Apparently, I'm not sure if this is Texas state law or if this is a federal law, but even though she was shot in the head, she was shot in the head because she didn't die on scene.

They did not treat her death as a crime. They did not tape it off as a crime scene. This is insane. Like how how could someone be shot in the head and they not treat it as a crime scene? So a lot of the evidence was lost because they essentially just want to clean up. Part of it might just be they believed, Jack, he's you know, he's just an old country, white male, know, whatever.

I don't know why they believed him or why they didn't look into it more.

But part of it is Houston is a big city, too. And, you know, I think they already if they could just ride this off as a suicide, then they were going to do that. They were able to listen to him, you know, she was on anti-depressants, she just lost her mother and she had been looking for a job. And so they were able to look at those and they were able to write it off as a suicide.

At first, I had the understanding that she absolutely killed herself, I had no reason to disbelieve my family, they were being very adamant that this is what happened. My initial reaction was, of course, of course, I was extremely devastated, but I was also angry at my mother.

You know, how could my mother take her own life, you know, like we need her. My brother and I need her. You know, I just knew at that moment she was going to miss everything.

We didn't get to say goodbye at that time, I'd actually been ignoring her. I was so upset with her after the my my grandmother's funeral because I was upset that she went back to him and I really wanted to leave. And she she wouldn't.

She called me about three or four times that month before she died, and I have actually have two voicemails to this day that I've that I've never listened to that she left me in that month. You know, I'm still ridden with guilt, knowing that I that I did ignore her and the lowest point of her life, you know, and that's something I regret to this day. And I would do anything just to talk to her one more time or have just had that closure, just to have been able to say, I love you.

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So initially, I was just kind of ridden with devastation and anger and just not understanding why she would do that, she never she didn't leave a note. You know, there was nothing there to indicate that she was about to about to kill herself.

One thing my mother did in the relationship is that she made Jack believe that they were what's called common law married and they were common law married, he would be entitled to essentially her estate, her body and her estate. So he would be able to get things like her 401k and her life insurance policy, everything that was in her bank account, her house, her car and most importantly, her body.

So one very strange thing he did was he was trying to put her on the ground two or three days after she died. We barely had enough time to get to Houston. My aunt's immediately hired a lawyer. They were able to freeze all off her bank accounts before he was able to drain them. He's told the police that he has rights to all this and they believe him. And so essentially, my aunt had to go in there because they live in Texas.

You know, we're in Alabama and say, you know, no, you know, she has two sons. She has two boys. And so we had a probate lawyer and we were able to nail out all the details and we were able to take that from him before he was able to put her in the ground, because if he was if he was given rights to her body, it would have been much harder later to actually prove, you know, that we were entitled to her estate.

So at the funeral, my aunt's actually decided to invite Jack to the funeral regardless if she did kill herself. He was extremely abusive. The last thing he deserved was to be at our mother's funeral. I was extremely anxious, my brother and I, and our adult life, we've actually never fought the morning of the funeral, we actually fought each other and my brother and I aren't like that. Not since we've been kids at this point. He's much better than I should be, the big brother, but he's much bigger.

And he's like six, four, I guess, just out of anger and out of a lot of it was about out of seeing Jack. You know, we haven't seen him since he beat me up. I haven't seen the guy. We have all this pent up anger and we take it out on each other and our girlfriends are freaking out, my my dad, my step mom are freaking out.

No one can understand why we're so angry at each other. I was so anxious that at one point I was going to go inside. You know, I couldn't face him. I couldn't I didn't know what I would do. And so they actually gave me a couple of glasses of wine so I'd calm down and and I went inside and tried to avoid him the best I could. So I go basically around the side, I see that he's kind of in the middle of the hallway where people are kind of chatting, and so I kind of go around it and he spots me and he immediately rushes over to me and grabs me and kind of shakes me by the shoulder and is looking at me.

And he breaks down, actually. And he he all he said to me was, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. He probably said it 10 times, you know, he's he's, like, hugging me. I just felt my body go limp. I mean, it was just the weirdest feeling in my life, probably just this man I have so much hatred for. He's embracing me right now and he's telling me he's sorry. Like, what are you sorry for, you know?

You know, I didn't want to hug the man. I mean, he was literally supporting my body weight. I'm balling, you know, I'm just sobbing and he's just holding me kind of.

It was just so surreal and a lot of it to me was an act. Looking back, he meets me in the middle of the funeral home, you know, right there and and kind of in the middle of everybody.

It was just really strange. And then, you know, of course, he embraced my brother and and we went on with the funeral. And so we go home after the funeral and after we handle some of the state stuff, and I actually go and visit my aunt who lives in Houston, and I get a call from an investigator actually with you know, with the Houston Police Department.

I said something, you know, this is a suicide. You know, this has already been declared a suicide. And the guy said, oh, no, you know, this is an open investigation. It's actually been ruled undetermined at this point.

So at that point, I realized it wasn't as cut and dry as my answer made it sound. They actually were looking into her death, you know, as as a possible homicide.

I was actually angry at that point, I was angry that my that my family felt that they needed to protect me from that kind of truth, because honestly, it hurt me more to know that my mother had committed suicide than than to think that she was murdered. But they were worried that if we started looking into it, especially my brother and I, that Jack would come after us next. I mean, even when we sat down with the funeral at the funeral home, I was telling him there's no way my mom killed, you know, committed suicide.

There's no way. And and it took them weeks and weeks of basically grooming that, you know, the answer. And I mean, they wanted me to believe that. And so eventually I did. And by that time, I started to believe that she had she had committed suicide. And so to hear that really was relief. And it really was exactly what I believed. Right after she died, the fact that he thought that he was entitled to her estate, that was interesting to me.

And then another interesting piece of it was that after she died, the house that she had bought in Houston, he basically turned it into a party house until we actually had to kick him out of the house because Jack wouldn't leave the house after she died.

My aunts went over there to get some of her valuables, there are beer bottles and whiskey bottles and, you know, guns laying everywhere in my my aunts were actually kind of intimidating because everybody had weapons. You know, they were scared for their own lives at this point. He was supposed to leave, but instead he stayed and literally threw a party with his family, his daughters and whatnot. Jack had actually gone through the house and basically taken everything that he thought he could get away with.

So basically, all of her valuable jewelry was gone. Jack's daughters had actually gone through a lot of her valuables and her jewelry and they were taking her jewelry. And in fact, one of them came up to my Miami and she had my mom's driver's license, which was also very weird. She had like my mom's wall and her driver's license. And she thought she's looking at the driver's license photo. And she asked my aunt, do you know where this necklaces?

I really want this necklace, this necklace that my mom wore since I've since I've been born. My dad got her this necklace.

Another weird thing my mom did growing up was that she placed things all throughout the house and she would tell my brother and I, you know, when I die, I looked through every crevice, looked through every book like I have placed hundreds of dollars in books. I've placed valuable earrings over doorways. So she hid things throughout the house in case she died so that Jack wouldn't just take all of her valuables, essentially. And so that was the first thing we did when we went to the house, went back to the house when he left, as we looked through all these crevices, everything was gone.

So he he at some point had found out that she was doing this, that she was hiding stuff like that. And he took all the money that was hidden, all of her valuables that were hidden. So his behavior was very weird.

What I believe happened at this point is that some sort of fight happened and I believe that she may have been trying to leave that night and by nine or 10 o'clock, they were both absolutely both drunk. You know, there's no doubt in my mind that they both drank every day. So out of, you know, maybe in a drunken stupor, out of anger. He wasn't going to have it like he was not going to let her leave because, you know, like I said, she'd been talking about leaving.

And one of my aunts even said that she had been talking to them like a week prior about leaving.

There were some inconsistencies about the suicide theory. For one, she was right handed, it was her right arm that was broken. There was ladies at work. They were saying that my mom had trouble lifting a stapler. That's how weak her arm was at that time. She was shot in the back of the head. And the coroner didn't believe that she would actually be able to take the pistol and actually put it to the back of her head.

So she shouldn't have physically been able to to shoot herself in that way.

Another inconsistency we found was one of their leading causes or leading factors for her to commit suicide was the fact that she was kind of hopeless after losing her job, that it was the night before or the day before or that day that she died. She'd actually gone to T.J., Max and bought a bunch of work clothes. It was absolutely war clothes. My my aunts knew what type of stuff she wore to work. I knew what type of stuff she wore to work.

And they was still in the bag with the receipt. So she clearly wasn't down and out about not having a job. She clearly didn't think that there was no hope like they made it sound. Most of my family had a really hard time believing that she wouldn't have left a note, at the very least she would have called us if she was going to commit suicide. The love for my brother and myself, even if she wasn't going to tell us that she was committing suicide, she would have called us and told us that she loved us.

She was drunk and drugged out her entire life, essentially, and she was always just as loving and just as unconditional and always made it known how much she loved my brother. And I, you know, why would it be any different now? That was a huge thing for me as well, but the biggest thing for me was that my mother hated guns. She she did not like them and being in the house and also, if you look at the statistics, women who commit suicide, they are the least likely to actually use a gun.

Most women who kill themselves, poison themselves, are more likely to hang themselves. That's actually the least likely the way they are to actually kill themselves is to shoot themselves and not only for her to shoot herself, but she supposedly she didn't go in a room and do it by herself or go outside and do it by herself. She supposedly sat on the couch next to him. So he's placing himself on the couch with her when she dies. I think he was telling people that are saying that story because he knew if they checked for gunpowder residue, he would have been covered in gunpowder residue.

But of course, because she didn't die in the house, they didn't check for things like that. So we will never know. But, you know, it'll be much easier for him to say, oh, I was asleep in the bedroom. Why would he put himself on the couch with her committing suicide, literally sitting next to him? He knew just as well as anyone that my mother was depressed and she had just lost her mother, if there was ever a time to get away with murder.

It was then, you know, I think he knew at that moment if he didn't call the police, he would have gone to prison. There was no doubt he was the only one around her, the only one in contact with her. He knew if he didn't call the police, that would have been pinned on him.

There's absolutely no doubt. And also, you know, if you think about it, if he was doing this out of anger, you know, kind of like a spur of the moment crime of passion type of type of deal, he might have instantly regretted it as well. You know, as far as we know, he didn't want her to die. I mean, maybe he literally did it out of in a moment of anger and might not have been thinking rationally.

All of a sudden he's thinking, oh, my God, I just, you know, shot her. I mean, who knows? I mean, honestly, we really have no idea. But he had to call the police. The worst thing for me is, honestly, I think knowing that he's out there and to be left in a sort of limbo has probably been the hardest to deal with. Maybe I should have gone to counseling, maybe I should have done certain things to kind of get past the closure, but for me, the not knowing is truly the it truly is kind of mortifying.

I think I can't wrap my head around either or, you know, and maybe she did commit suicide. But the fact that I'll never know. Like I said, it puts me in a limbo. I mean, I really don't know where to move forward. And by now, it's been four years, and by now, you know, he's he's probably got some other woman that he's by now probably abusing just as bad. And I think that's what hurts me the most, is that he's he's moved on.

There's a lot of regrets I have, because we had enough money at that time to actually hire a private investigator since the police were going to do their job. If we would have just tried to look into it, maybe I would had at least some amount of closure. As we get further away from that moment when she died, the easier it is for other people to forget and the easier it is for other people to move on. And even for myself, you know, there's times where, you know, I almost feel guilty because I'm not thinking about her.

I'm not thinking about it. And the fact that I didn't then I think will always haunt me. And I think, honestly, I will never have closure in a real sense because I didn't act then.

Another thing that we did that I kind of regret is we cremated her body as well. So there's also no chance of ever even if we wanted to have exhumed her body or, you know, maybe the coroner didn't do a proper autopsy, you know, we'll never know. The evidence that we have now is the evidence that we will forever have. So I'm not even sure if I wanted to look into this case, if we would have the means or if an investigator would even have the means.

That's just another piece of not being able to have that closure. I just don't think we'll ever come to a place where we will ever fully understand what happened. Part of it is I'm almost jealous of people who were sitting by the hospital bed when they lost their loved ones and and got that chance to say goodbye and got to hear their mother say, I love you one last time or are just being able to let go in that way. That's certainly been the hardest part about the death as a whole.

The hardest part about not having the closure is the sense of guilt I cannot accept in my heart that she committed suicide because I know that my brother and I were the closest people to her on this planet, that no one will ever love her like we loved her, that no one she never loved anyone like she loved us. And the fact that I was so ignorant towards that and that I was so passive and that I wasn't really pursuing a real relationship with her, I will always be riddled with guilt, knowing that I didn't take any measures.

I didn't take any steps to just have a normal functional relationship with my mother, the most functional it could be at that time. And if she did take her own life, I would never be able to accept what I did, really the lack of what I did.

And even if she was murdered, I think I still have those same feelings, you know, I think they're just they're just less than, you know, I think it's easier for me to accept where I was relationship wise with her if someone else took her from me, not if she took herself out of the picture. My little brother is twenty two. He is going to be getting married this year. He's my hero in a lot of ways. I really look up to my little brother.

He's graduating school and may graduating college. He's going on. He's got a job with the government already.

And the way he's turned his life around is just phenomenal. And as for myself, I've had a lot of adversity of my own outside of my mother passing. But I'm in a place now where I'm clean. I'm moving forward of my life. We just got a house. My girlfriend and I, she's about six months pregnant. And, you know, we're really excited for what the future holds. It's not exactly perfect, is not exactly the way I wanted to do this, but I think my mother would be proud of where we both are now.

And the girlfriend I have now is just phenomenal, extremely supportive, and just a lot like my mother, just very just very loving and very endearing.

To have lost so much, so young and to have gone through some of the things that we have, the biggest takeaway for me is how fortunate I really am. And sometimes it takes stuff like that, you know, going through some of your lowest moments. And that's what it takes to realize how much you really have. I'm so lucky to have a father that I have who has stepped up and done so much. He's actually he's helped me with this house.

I mean, he's also my hero in my life.

Just a wonderful man. That closure will always, I believe, haunt me and, you know, the fact that I lost my mother in such a violent way and I probably will never know the truth, and I think that will always hurt. I think that will hurt until my final days on this Earth. And, you know, the most important thing really is justice and a lot of ways and that that is what hurts about the situation, is that I will never have that justice.

And that's ultimately what people want in a situation like this, is just to know that they did their loved one justice. But on the flip side of that, I might be doing my mom justice by moving forward. You know, I'm going to be starting a new career and my brother's starting a new life and he's getting married and I'm bringing a new life into this world. You know, ultimately, that's what my mother was most proud about in her life, was bringing my brother and I into this world.

And, you know, I'll be doing that myself. I think I will always have a piece of me that is trapped in the past, but there's also a piece of me that is looking forward to the future and that is excited to start this new life. And maybe that is doing her justice is by moving forward and living my life in a way that would make her proud.

Today's episode featured Evan Pestana, if anyone listening has information or resources they feel could help bring justice for Evan and his mother. You can email him at Justice for Steph at Gmail dot com. That's justice for spelled out FSR and stuff. S-T at Gmail dot com. This is actually happening, is brought to you by any witness. You can now access the show ad free on Wonder E-Plus by going to wonder E-Plus dotcom slash happening to engage with the community.

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