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It's Wednesday, December 2nd, Uncle Joey is brought to you by Blue. Listen, I know it's been a rough year. You're waiting for your employment. You're waiting for this. You know, you can't do what you wanted. But I got a little secret. Forkin is free. You got nothing but time. Let me tell you something. In 2021, there's going to be about 200 million kids born and they won't be able to go to school because they're fucking retarded.
Unbelievable. But besides that, listen, fucking is free. You got nothing to do but fuck and sit there and look at your wife. It's time you tell your wife to fucking watch that little monkey you're going to spit, shined your helmet and blue choo will turn you into a red hot poker of fucking debt. Let me tell you something. I never suffered from the last November after I pulled my hamstring. And that's not fun when you want to do it.
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Did you hear what I said? You're going to get a free and you're going to pay five dollars for shipping. That's it. And again, that's blue like the color of a fucking forehead. You know, I'm saying when she's sitting there going, oh, I don't know what you know, what happened the day that showed up. That's what happened. Fucking sponsored by Blue Choo. You showing up with the fucking poker of logo? You know, I'm saying it's all over, but the shouting and again, that's blue like the color and choo choo choo choo choo choo dotcom use cajoling.
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You know, I'm saying from time to time you could see the old Joey coming back because I got focus.
I got fucking mental focus. And that's the most important thing with what's going on right now. You can't let your mind slip, go to an adult, come and out. The brain comes in a power to you. Just put it in some water, shake it up. It's got some great fucking flavors. They got some sour grapes. And Loudon's left over from Black Friday and Cyber Monday. But it's fucking big Wednesday. So go on and come right down and in church and get ten percent off.
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Oh, I forgot, I got like the fucking candle here for the spirit of my mom. Oh.
Think. Come on. Hey, the point is, what's happening to. Hey, what's happened, you bad motherfucker? Welcome to Uncle Joey's joint. It's Wednesday, December 2nd. It's fucking Christmas month. It's the countdown to fucking Christmas better than you and Uncle Joey will be here with you throughout the whole fucking thing. I know that. Listen, this time of the year is kind of fucking hard for some people. Some people just walk around like Merry Christmas, like merry great.
You know, that's great. You know, you're having a good time. You're positive. But for some people, Christmas is a rough time of the year. We'll be here this year all the way from New Year's. No reason to be depressed or fucking sad, Uncle Joe. He'll be here twice a week. You got the patriarch. No reason to be fucking ho hum. You know, I'm saying unless you're broke and your reason be ho.
But that means you're giving up some fucking strong handshake for Christmas. Handshake's like a motherfucker this year for Christmas. Merry Christmas with deep look in your eye. No reason to be ashamed. It's one of those years where you fuck in the year was a kaputt. You know, everybody's saying that, you know, I'm looking at a lot of comedians that go on. This was that breakout year. Fuck nuts. This is everybody breakout year. We all got shit on the bed.
But what are you going to do? Put it up on fucking Instagram? This would have been my breakthrough year. What? We're going to do something more DayQuil gives a fuck than you could do about it. You can look at it and keep complaining and that, listen, we got to move beyond fucking Colbert to the next stage, which is twenty twenty one. That's it. Twenty twenty is fucking dead. Whatever the fuck. Use your credit card use and who gives a fuck.
Who knows where we're going to end up light them on fire when MasterCard. You've got to suck it. Do what I did ninety. I just told to suck my dick. You're not getting a dime out of me. Go eat your meal and come back. You know, I'm saying you get nothing out of me. Like it's the last thing we're talking about. My journey as a basketball player. How by me quitting that fucking destroyed me for years.
I had a hard, hard time with that because now I became it became a pattern. I just kept quitting everything. Every time I did something and I was bad, I just quit at it. Or if I didn't like it, that gave me the right to quit. I quit. I had fucking major league opportunities. You know, the last couple of weeks I've been talking to you guys, like one of my friends I talk to now.
They're all in their 40s and 50s. But I forgot you guys are in your 20s and 30s and you're just learning to navigate your way through life. You know, somebody is there and, you know, school some years of working on master's programs. But the thing that you all fucking share is that you're all looking for the answer, like the fucking answer when we're twenty, all we want is to fucking answer. That's it. Like, how am I going to get to the next level?
What am I going to do? What am I going to do after college? You've got these fucking student loans. You know, for me, I didn't know what the fuck to do, I. You know, once I quit basketball, the second thing I quit that I regret it with all my heart was high school. Listen, if you look down, look at your life and look at your successes. High school was just really like a fucking country club for you for a couple more years, it just bought you time.
You know, I have to shit you learned in high school it doesn't even apply to what you're fucking doing today socially or in your job. But high school is one of those things that you need to do. I loved going to high school. I loved school. For me, it was, you know, a fucking Studio 54. But I quit. I quit. It was it was so easy for me to quit basketball. Once I quit high school, I was I was putting together a pattern that I didn't even know I was doing.
That's what we do. We do shit and we don't. And it's called denial to some people. There's some it's just life. You just don't look at yourself from that fucking realm that I just quit high school. When I quit high school, I felt really, really bad about myself. I don't want you to think I felt really shitty about myself. I had to turn off a part of myself this specific days in my youth. I remember just feeling really shitty about myself.
That day was one that I felt shitty about myself the day I couldn't pay my credit card bills on the type of fucking guy I like to pay my fucking bills. The day after I got divorced, like three or four months after I got separated, I just went rogue and just refused to pay my fucking bills. You know, it was a big joke. We laughed. I didn't pay my bills. That's that's not good. That was good.
I quit, you know, everything I was doing. I was always quick, you know, I wasn't good at that shit, and I'll tell you what really fucking changed me a lot. Again, you know, we're here and we're all fun and games. And when I'm on vacation, Ryan sick with podcast, you know. We're comedians, we're supposed to give light the dark things, you know, when you watch The Sopranos. Some of these get, you know, they go to fuck and they got to give an intervention to Chris Moltisanti and it turns into a fucking fight.
People get hit with chairs and whatnot. Yes, it's an exaggeration. Yes, it could happen. But yes, it's also dark comedy. It's also giving a light to a dark situation. What I did with the church in all those years and my jokes and whatever was give light, that's what comics do. We give light to a dark situation. But I never want you to get I never want you to be wrong on this from those young ages because of quitting basketball, quit in high school.
My shirt was dark. I overlooked it a lot in our conversations. I was a mess when I was twenty twenty one, twenty two. That kind of had the people around me that took care of me. I had the Burkle's and took care of me in Colorado. I came back to Jersey in 84 and I had good friends around me. Yeah, there was a drug craze going on and everybody was going fucking nuts. But we had some, I had a support group.
I had something to fall back on, you know, that support of criminals, obviously a support group of criminals. And I'm saying that that's a great doctor TV show, a support group of criminals. But I'm not I'm not pitching TV shows right now. I'm just pitching my life to you guys. It was so weird that that was my support group, was headquarters, was a bar. And you talked about the bullshit you were going to do for the day.
But I think what really fucking changed me, something I gave a lot of light and joked around with was prison, prison and I hate to say the word prison because it really feels like a prison. Let's just say my time away in college was a great time for me because. It's really funny who we don't and do listen to. You know, I have situations here at home where I'm not a professional boxer, you know, I don't know anything about boxing and I want to I know a couple of combinations of awesome footwork stuff, but I'm not about boxing.
Had I could I know how to hold mitts for people. And a couple last week, my daughter was taking a yellow belt test and kickboxing. So one of the nights I came down here with I wanted to be sharp for the class. I go, you want to be sharp and attack? She's like, yes, I broke down to the garage and we just kicked the Mets a little bit. And I was just given the combinations that they were going to ask her.
It was it was a left jab, would would have left fucking elbow with a right cross, sort of right kick. And we were just practicing it over and over and over again. You know, after 15 minutes, 12 minutes for ten minutes, she kind of lost interest with me. And I get it. You know why she doesn't look at me as a karate teacher. She looks at me as a fucking dad, as a fat fuck.
It is not talking about little does she know I want to fuck the martial arts all those years. I know a couple things still. How to stand on a fucking point your toes, how to move your ankle when you throw that kick to get a little bit more leverage so you don't fucking tear up your fucking meniscus in your knee. There's still a couple of things. I know that I get mad at her. No, because I know how kids are.
We don't want to learn from fucking your father. Mother, you want to learn from the karate teacher. You know, I could sit there with her for two hours going over a math problem. She looks at me like I'm a fucking idiot. OK, fine. I lost my credibility with my Spanish lessons. She failed a couple of tests because of my Spanish. Because a Spanish is different. But you know the math. I'm going over what?
I was the same math teacher in school. She thinks I'm a fucking jerk off and I get it because I'm not a teacher. I'm not certified. You didn't the same at the Wharton School. Again, she sees me that the same thing happens to us in life. People pull us aside. People might say something to us. We got our feelings fucking hurt. So now ten people say nothing to you. When I consider my friend somebody a fucking friend and I see it slip and I give him a fucking while, you know, I'm saying it's none of my business.
But after a while you got to say something. You got to go. Hey, man, come here for a second. You're better than this shit. You know, you can't be doing this even if it's some menial or whatever. It just will not all perfect. That's a beauty about this. But life. But it's so funny how for years people tried to give me advice, I didn't want advice, I wanted the answer. I wanted the answer to make a million dollars.
Right. Nobody wants advice. We just we just want to make a million dollars like that. I just want to make a million dollars. I want a yacht. I want some bitches in the back dancing with bikinis. I want to fuck an expensive penthouse apartment. But I don't want I don't want the answers to how I could make that possible. I just want it. And when people can't give me that answer, you're like, oh, fuck it, you're a fucking bum.
Or Who the fuck are you? Your father left you some money. I think I learned to take advice, I took a few people along the way and I'm saying people I cared about, but come on, man, when you're fucking 20, you take advice. It goes in one and it goes out the fucking other even quicker because we'll know it off. It's it's not you. It's not the guy that's watching. It's fucking me, too.
I thought I had the fucking answers and we don't have the fucking answer, but something really weird happened like I had I had awakening points along the way, you know, like. I think I was a funny guy. Not like that, not like when I saw Gene Wilder, Richard Pryor movie, not what I saw in Eddie Murphy movie, not when I saw, like, a fucking. Like a David Brenner special. When I first saw Eddie Murphy delirious, that I see myself as being funny like that.
Not even fucking close. I didn't see myself in a fucking movie, I didn't see myself in any of those fucking goddamn things. The first time somebody came up to me and said, you can stand up comedy. I was twenty four fucking years old and my. What what what did you just say? I wasn't too crazy about the guy either when he first came up to me and told me, you know, you got your mind on a lot of things, like in those days, there was only two things that I had in my mind on drugs or more fucking drugs, you know, I mean, I was fucking my mental midget and he pulled me aside like a man, you know, I was still a fucking kid.
I was twenty four going on 12. And he pulled me aside and he was like, Hey, man, you know, I've been doing this for a long time. I don't know if you know what I did before I sold cars. And I'm a retired entertainment director. And I'm going to help me with this bullshit right now. Do I look like I even have to fucking stand up comedy? What are you talking about? I mean, it took some time and then I did the crime, I thought can and somebody else had told me and between the time I was waiting to get sentenced, I used to go to a swim program in Boulder called the Masters Swimming Program.
The teacher's name was Jane. You had to be there at 6:00 a.m. Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays, and you'd swim, you fucking asshole. I figure I'll get a swimming shake before I went to prison. So I dedicated myself to the master's program. I went three times a week and the guy who got me into was a UPS guy that everybody was sucking his day. I can't believe I wasn't even a psychologist. You know, those guys that just everybody said back ups, guys get their necks out more than anybody.
Understand me. They make Harvey Weinstein look like a fucking day care that you don't get your badges until the Sunday, Dec. nine. People sucking dick for that package. I know UBS guys for years now, you fucking horror stories about the sex they have on their fucking routes. And then was this U.P.S. guy I was working on, Hertz rent a car, and there was this U.P.S. guy. I would see him pull his car, his truck up and he would be on a block for an hour just talking to bitches and shit.
And then I would see him fucking this is no way I would see him in the back of the truck taking his fucking wedding band out of socks and putting it back on his friend. I'm like, that motherfucker, the sandwich. But as much as a sandwich as he was with me, we befriended one another. You know, I would say a lot of them. I mean, that's the obvious thing to say. When somebody is walking into a building, you go, Hello?
So he will walk into the building and go, hello with talk talking one day, he didn't have the body of a fucking body builder. And I asked them, what else do you do to get in shape? And he goes, No. One thing is I let the weights along. I started swimming. I go fuck my Dutch woman. So I would ride my bike that three days a week and one down and walk out. He looked at me and he was and this is like I'm a month away from getting sentenced.
Like, I'm waiting for the call, we're going to the process of community corrections and whatnot and a month away from getting fucked and who gets sentenced to, you know, a month maybe to way like there was rumors. There was also rumors that might push the case back to 1989 because of Avella. So I wasn't really focusing on it, and one day he said to me goes, Hey, man, have you ever thought about getting into stand up comedy?
And I'm like, wow. Have you ever thought of becoming a comedian? I'm like. Not really, I don't know when people come up to me with that, with the thought of becoming a stand up comic. I never really I was like stand up comedy. I can't even not do Coke four nights a week. I have no self discipline. The only self discipline I had was to lift weights and to ride a bike and stay in shape.
I was eating like an animal. I was just fucking lifting that many weights and riding that many bikes. I was that fucking active, but it really wasn't. I got locked up. I got locked up. I had been, I had been. Put on check a couple times after my mother died, but not really nobody had really checked me, my my uncle checked me in eighty four. We had a little misunderstanding in Los Angeles and he checked me in because this check, I did talk to them for fucking 20 years.
It was basically we didn't talk from 1984 to 2000 fucking night till a couple of months before I married my wife. So you think about that. That's how sensitive I used to be. You'd say something to me. I just wouldn't fucking party. Doesn't that sound familiar? When somebody says something to us that could empower us, we actually get mad at them as human beings, that's our natural fucking response. Fuck this guy, you know, who the fuck is he?
He said to me, even though he didn't call me out in front of people, he didn't say nothing to me in front of a bunch of people. He didn't hit me up on Facebook and try to embarrass you. These are men. These are people that would call you like mine. My uncles argument was one on one. What he felt about how I was living and how I was raised was one on one. He was let me know I was going to bring it and I took it.
I didn't like what he had to say and I swore to fucking kill him. That's how retarded I was that that that just the let you know how fucking sensitive we are when somebody calls us out for us to make us better. I love the guy, this guy called me up. He didn't call me out. He told me AFAC. He told me a fact about myself, I'm going to tell you today and I'm also going to tell you how that fact worked.
He was my counsel in prison. That had to do with a test of what I've told the story a thousand times, but he told me that. If he had something that I wanted. He might as well give it to me, because if I wanted it that bad, I could take it from. That didn't sit on my fucking room. That didn't sit with me. Well, again, I pulled with Joey Diaz, did what most punks fucking do instead of embracing the words, thinking about it and going back to him like a man, what did I do?
I fucking avoided the guy and wished him fucking dead. And then it took me about two or three weeks to realize, you know, in fact, he called me and checked me again and told me you got mad because I told you the truth. And that's what pussies do. When you tell somebody the truth about their life, they get stuck. A man, instead of saying, you know what, you got a fucking point. And that wrapped up what I had been going through all those years.
See, when the judge sent me to jail, you didn't send me to jail because I could not believe he knew that was a fucking one ring circus that was a part of the circus that any other court that would have gotten thrown the fuck out would, you know. But it was bold that he kidnapped the guy and put them in the trunk of a car. It was a drug deal. When it's a drug deal, all fucking bets are off now and fucking boy.
But they made a big deal about it. They wanted to call it kidnapping, which it was. I'm not I'm not disagreeing with anybody. I fucked up, but. When, you know, he told me that I had. You know, I could take something from I took it as I was going to be a thief the rest of my fucking life. No, he was telling me that if I really wanted something. If I really, really wanted something that I could go for it and it took me fucking six weeks to process that.
Six weeks, it took me to process that thought of what he said to me, he probably said to me like the last week of December. And I got out of that halfway out of the camp, maybe mid-February and the march, more towards the mid-February because it was around my birthday, but it took me six weeks to process what he had said to me. And it scared me. It scared me so much that it stopped me from doing stand up.
Because what he let me know was the answer that I was looking for, the answer that all you motherfuckers are looking for is the what what you're scared of. Is what the result might be. That's what you're scared of, what the result might be. What is the result going to be if you go and lift weights every day? Not every day if you have a program and stick to it four days a week and maybe drink water and fuck and walk to the fucking grocery instead of driving.
What's the result you're going to get after a year or two? You're going to have a way better physique. You're going to be a lot stronger. Your immune system's going to be a lot better. There's so many different things. If you stick with that fucking workout program right now, we're in a lock down depending on where you live, what country you live. I mean, you want some type of fucking lockdown. And a lot of people confused, a lot of people away from that focus.
I was one of those fucking people. It took me 60 days, 80 days to step out of my body and look and see what the fuck is going on, what we're going to do here. We decided to fucking move. It regrets me. It may be more of a mess. It took me the whole month of September to fucking get my ground up, you know, lift weights, eliminate some of the fears I had, you know, watch my daughter go to school, thank God for my decline.
My fucking Johnny goombahs, he called me up and he said, get up off your ass. It's time to do this podcast. We don't need fucking try fucking the city's media to show up with 20 cameras and a fucking crew with covid. We don't need this shit. And here we are fucking eight weeks later, 18 fucking podcasts under our belt. We're not the best fucking podcasts out there, but we're getting through. That's the most important thing we're getting through.
We form the platform for us to communicate on. And I'm very proud. You know, there's not 18 people here. I'm not get make up shit. I mean, shit like that. But that's not what I want. Anyway, I just wanted a platform to talk to you guys to let you know that you should not be scared of what you could become. Never be fucking scared of what you could become by trying. Some people don't fucking try because we're fucking scared of the outcome.
Doug, I'm still doing it with this fucking book. Every day I look at this fucking book, I got to call the agent and tell them we want to get a ghostwriter because I want you to have this material in this book.
There's so many stories I want you to read instead of listening to I want you to read them and look at them and feel because I read them and I've looked at them and I felt and said, fuck, this is a great story to read, you know?
I just don't have so fall apart with a fucking book somewhere, and I know I'm that fucking close from a breakthrough where I could connect everything I want to say, but right now I can't do it. But if you look at the podcast from day one, from October 1st to the podcast, December 1st, I'm getting better and better. It's just been a fucked up process. Why? Because I stuck with it. Yeah, I got my fucking fears.
What's the fear? I got lots of because you have failure. If you're scared to fuck, then fail. Shoot yourself now and because you're going to fail outside something three or four times a fucking week. I know I do. I'm not better than you motherfuckers. I put my pants on one leg at a time just like you fucking guys. But that fucking shit. He told me that was two fucking chickens that destroyed me, like two. You know, when people call you the fuck out, you know, people people today call you out for the dumbest fucking things that are going to change your life, that they just going to embarrass you.
That's not why you call somebody out. You call somebody out, not on YouTube, you know, you call somebody out, you call them, you meet them, you say, Listen, man, I've been watching you for a long time and you're a dear friend and I think you're spinning your wheels in this direction. And I think you should take this direction. And trust me, five of the kind of friends are going to be pissed off at you for a while, maybe loses a friend, maybe whatever the fuck.
But if you're going to know what your intentions are, right, for me, I listen, I just can't anymore. I can't go up to people, you know, the stand ups that I've known for a couple of years that will call me because they're stuck and I'll tell them how I feel. There's a few people on Patra that I have smacked around because this is what they want me to be a B.S.. And they have come back and said, hey, Joey, thank you, I fucking needed that, but I'll just tell them, you know, get up off your fucking pussy as you really you're going to end up sucking dick behind a fucking alley, the subway, veggie and cheese sandwiches.
And this is what you need to fucking do. If you don't want to do it, take your fucking page and get the fuck. There's been like three or four guys and it hasn't been in a negative way. Like I've attacked them. They've asked me for the advice. But then, like I saw, the way they want it, like soft advice, I had to give them the hard advice, had it twisted up on them a little bit, because that's what they fucking pay me for.
I'm Patra. They don't pay me to be nice to Facebook. They're like, Listen, man, I'm having these struggles. What is it that I fucking need to do? And I lay into him the same way I lay into myself in the fucking mornings when I'm lazy, when I'm not motivated. You trust me, I've always fucking motivated. And it's not money that motivates me. That's what motivates me. Life, being fucking happy, knowing that I did what was on that list for the day, whatever was on that fucking list for the day, I did it today.
Whether there's three things, two things. One thing I might do an extra ten from Thursday. I might do a thing from next week. There's always things for you to fucking do. Write a sentence. Write a joke from the grace of God. I've been waking up a little early and trying to write jokes that God awful, God awful, God awful. I don't know what the fuck happened to my comedy. I was never really a comedy writer anyway.
I would write down ideas, take them on stage and see what direction that that takes me. That's what I do at Venice. I write down notes I take. Do you know the last time I went to Venice, I actually had a really good parking spot last Wednesday night. You know, I tell you the truth, my number was my number one hardest critic. I had the best part I ever had. Do you know, I wrote six jokes.
I put them on a piece of paper and I forgot to say, all six of you in this kind of trying to say to you, I'm having problems in my fucking memory, too. I still got the sheet on my desk. Not two new jokes, not three new jokes, six things. But I just wanted to throw in there and fuck. And, you know, look at me. I feel like Walter Mercado giving you a fucking horoscope right now.
You know, not not to date. That's how bad my memory is. But that's why because I'm living in the fucking moment. I don't even need my memory no more. I just want to pay. It was what I'm going through right now. And right now I'm feeling a lot better than what I did fucking three months ago or two months ago. Mike is like, Doug, we got to start a fucking podcast. I was not feeling it.
I was not feeling like talking to people. But this rapping with you guys, just rapping true patriot, you know, pushing myself to do stand up. Listen, nothing in your life. I don't want to do nothing. You know, Joey, what are you talking about? I don't want to do nothing. If it was up to me, I would get up every day, all the Chinese food and get on the couch and watch TV.
That's you want to know the truth. That's my perfect fucking utopia right there is waking up, maybe taking a shower, maybe in like a fucking ball of golden Grahams, like some nice fucking cereal, right or wrong, a nice little box of Captain Crunch after a joint and fucking that. Who's better than you, right? Wouldn't that be the fucking like just to wake up and be able to do that lunchtime, eat some fucking Chinese food, some ribs, a few egg rolls, maybe take a nap, smoke a joint, fucking go somewhere, bar no exercise and wait for the army to come get me.
Once I had 600, I might do it. Don't touch them saying but I'm going for broke. That that that was my motivation. You know, when I was 20, that was my secret motivation, if I could figure out how to just sit around all day and be a waste of fucking life. I would have been happy with that, I would have figured if I could have somebody will gave me if clearinghouse when I came over here, give me a check for Pocan, 500 million.
Oh, I wouldn't have bought anything. I wouldn't have bought a piece of property. I wouldn't have had an investment portfolio. I would have snorted. I would have gave somebody like. Two million just to hold for me, unpoliced, not the rest away without the hospital bills, I lose a foot all the expenses of fucking just being a Coke fiend. And then I would have just got like a trailer park somewhere, like some bum fuck town nice white trash people, you know, the ones I like.
They come out of Leonard's skin and shirt in the morning and ask you if you have an extra copy. Felt like I needed Coffeeville. Don't need the fucking clock at 7:00 in the morning. You realize this shit at night before you go to bed, before you set up the fucking coffee. Anyway, I don't even know. Maybe free up the fucking coffee and let me know what I'm talking about. That's it.
But I think the Mr. Blue, that was his name. My concern in fucking prison camp was Mr. Blue. He fucking. You know, I had a problem with accepting responsibility. And we all do. That's not a problem of the fucking point, is that, you know, I didn't do it. He did it. He made me do it. It was his fucking idea. So it was just a pattern. I had this quitting pattern and I had a pattern that nothing was ever my fault.
I was late because the bus was late. I was late because the alarm clock didn't go off. I was late because Mikey took too long in the shower. I was always like there was always no fucking responsibility. There's two things were coming into a new year, into 2021. Let me pass them by the damage of twenty twenty. You're going to have to work double the amount of twenty twenty one. You got two things to remember here. You could work double.
You'd kill yourself, you could spin the wheels. But there's two things you got to remember for twenty twenty one. I have a fucking plan. I have a plan for twenty twenty one. Because you can't have two bad years in a row. You'll never recover from that, you'll never recover from that. And whatever plans you have and whatever goals you have to fucking go for them. And I'm not talking about listen, everybody's got the wrong you know, I had a roommate once had told me when you want something, put a picture of it up on the wall and you'll get it.
So what did I do? I went I jerk off and bought a picture of a Ferrari Testarossa, a white one. I put it on my wall what my driveway saved. I got a Ferrari Testarossa out there on the ground. That's the I of a Ferrari bicycle. I mean, course, you know, I'm saying like, nothing ever showed up, nothing ever showed up just because I put a picture of it up on a fucking wall. So for years I would put up my pictures of Maserati's and pictures of Aruba, ask me if I've gone to Aruba.
I don't even know. Fuck, Aruba is you know why? Because I didn't work towards those fucking goals. You got to write this shit down. You've got to go, you know what, I want to Testarossa, what do I need to do to get that Testarossa? Oh, I got about 15 minutes out of fucking Rob. You know, there's things you got to do. There's got to be I got to wake up every morning. I got to put away three hours a week.
I got you know, planning is so fucking important. And then I have to fucking miss Mr Blue. SAT me down and told me that shit that I could do whatever I wanted to if I put my mind to it, because I actually was really s.m. That's all he was trying to say to me, just in a different form. He was like, if I had something that you wanted, no, just fucking break it down for me, cocksucker.
Don't make me feel like more of a thief than what I am. He broke it down for me even a little better. He broke it down for me in the sense if you want some. And you put your mind to something. There's no reason why you can end up in that neighborhood or close to it, and I got to tell you something. He's been absolutely right. You know, we don't have confidence. And who will go on to become if we take the path that was supposed to take and I was one of those people I didn't have confidence in.
And who I was going to become, but I got to tell you something, because I put my time in, because I took my beatings, because I get on stage, because I did good podcast and before I did because I did bad podcast is the reason why we're here fighting through this podcast right now. Think about it. I want you to see what I've done since. July 15th on Patrón, and since we started this podcast and how different I looked, how different I'm back then listen, I've looked at those old churches.
Yeah, they're funny. But there were a little bit of sad, it's it's sad you can't see my fucking eye. My eyelids were always fucking purple, you know, I have like the street on fucking shirt on all the time and look like a fucking bomb. But I look at those podcasts today and yeah, we had a great time doing them. It was great to do them. I'm proud I got the experience under my belt, but that's a complete different fucking other person.
That's scary when you look at something that you did. Three months ago, the last broadcast, there was basically August 15th with lead, still lovely talk to him last night, nothing against Lee Lee's my dog, but those are two different completely people that have evolved that much since then. And it scares the shit out of me. I'm completely different than who I was not in that box on Thompson Street, completely different individual. My thought process, what's in my heart, what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.
Completely different. And it was just a short time ago, August 15th, I told you guys I was talking to Josh Wolf the other day and he asked me if I'm still doing a certain bit. And I go, I did the other night and I did like two weeks ago, the week I bombed. But listen, even with a great bit, I bombed the second week. Why? It's not who I am anymore. It's just not the same brand, don't have the same thought process.
How the jokes go funny to me. Yeah, they make me giggle, but it's not what I want to be talking about them, what I want to be saying, to be honest with you guys, I know I fucking deum what I want to be saying on stage right now, I have no where to look. I have looked at, you know, I've looked at what's going on. I'm an old man. I'm trying to raise my daughter.
I'm getting old. I got to get knee surgery. Don't worry about nothing. Hopefully it'll be this month. Why not. I'm fucking my knees been fucked up. I've been walking around in fucking pain. Why not go down and get it done? It's a three day I got to sit on my fucking couch. They want you walk and after two or fucking three days. Why not? What else am I going to do with my beautiful fucking precious time?
What? I'm going on the road in January. They might lock things up until fucking you know, we find out what the new president is on what's going on. You don't mean no fucking politics, no religion. I don't know nothing. So by the time all this thing gets chased up, whatever they're going to do up in Minneapolis, whatever I do covered with the fucking testing, I might as well get my knee done and maybe go back to jujitsu.
I go back to kickboxing, go back to something else besides fucking just lifting weights all the time. Last week I threw a couple punches at the fucking bag. I threw a couple kicks just to loosen up those muscles. But it's time to do something else. I want to go to a different gym and meet different people and get out there and talk to different the other savages. But sorry about the knee surgery and get you off the topic. I want to talk to you about.
You know, when somebody pulls you aside and talks you from the heart, don't take it that bad. The next walk and talking to I guy was the one that changed who the fuck I was as a comic. That one was hard, but at the same time. I still thank them today, I still call them in my prayers. Because he turned me into a comedian with that speech that that. You know, I went back to. Coloradoan 893, I was here for nine months just trying to get my footing, trying to make a little extra money just to get a little bump before I went back to Colorado to go up against my ex and I had made my mind up.
The comedy was the path I was choosing. I was like, fuck it, this is all I could do is just calmly I might as well just fucking go for it is all I got. I don't have a rich family. I don't have a fucking fruit stand. You know, this is all I fucking got. So I moved back to Denver and I just. I went out every night, I went out as much as I could. I covered myself with comedy, you know.
For at that time, for me, it was either doing drugs, a comment like those were two inches I had, you know, I put on like Black Sabbath. Humanize her, I and all that music, I don't even know that music was out. I had no idea what was going on. I was so deep involved with fucking comedy and drugs that I didn't even know what the fuck was going on in the world socially. The only thing that saved me is that MTV.
And one day I just started saying, fuck, and I swear to God, I saw a video for a super unknown for five black days, I didn't even know grunge was. I used to watch a little bit of MTV, whatever, and I remember like them talking about Kurt Cobain and the Seattle Sound. And I was like, what? Kurt Cobain? Come on. I grew up on the fucking Beatles now and going to compare this guy to John Lennon.
So I don't even know what the fuck was happening. So I had no idea what was going on in the world of music. There was no albums, there was no turntable. There was nothing. My whole fucking room was covered with comedy videos, no books and drug paraphernalia. That's all I was fucking doing. And it was funny how I was making progress in my own little way. I was I was moving forward. I was kicking ass, you know, kicking ass.
If I made 20 hours a week, I was making a lot of money, but for me at the time it wasn't about money, it was just about getting on stage, getting the basics down and becoming a better comic. So Tuesday night was the open mic at the time. He works after I got fired from the broker that fired me up to let me start going to the comedy works. You got to break into a scene. It's kind of tough for young guys that are trying to break into a comedy scene.
You guys know what I'm talking about. You've got to go in there. You got to walk on eggshells. If you do get the opportunity to go on stage, you better be funny and then you've got to be likable. There's so much fucking pressure because what good is it being funny if the other comics don't like it, if they don't think it's cool that they're not going to give you a work. So it's just a fucking grind. So I knew that for me to become part of the comedy community and it's got going down there on Tuesday nights, you know, nothing happens on the fucking couch, nothing.
You could be a thousand things. I can't wait to be a pilot. I can't wait to be a music producer. I can't wait to be an engineer. Well, you keep you're going to wait forever on that fucking couch. So I said, fuck that. Me start going down there. On Tuesday nights, they had a writing class that they offered this guy off a writing class. And then on Tuesday nights and then you all got a bite to eat.
And then you went to the comedy works and you perform what you had written at the guy's house. I like the guy. I like the guy, but he was a good guy, but. As a comic, I didn't fucking like them as much, I didn't think he was that funny as a comic, so why would I go learn how to write bad jokes? All right. Like, what am I going to learn how to write bad jokes for this guy?
To be honest, the guy was a bad joke writer. He just wasn't a naturally funny guy. And naturally, because of me being able to campaign and being a sack of shit, I'm hard at it. I didn't respect the guy, the guy. Every time I see me on a Tuesday, he'd come over to me and he'd fuckin ask me to come by his house on Tuesday nights. And the truth of the matter was, I could probably make it to his I had a job that I worked total two fuckin six o'clock.
And it was like, you know, maybe at that time. Maybe a 40 or 50 and our bus ride, by the time I got to the bus station on the ride to Denver, I think they met at seven and it was really like for an hour, 45 minutes, and they got food ordered in or whatever. I would have never made it. I didn't have a car. You know, there was just a lot of variables for me to get there.
And on top of that, I didn't think it would be beneficial to me. So I just kept going to the open mike on Tuesdays, and that was making progress. I was getting funny, but he had a guy. You know, I read every one of those comics always has the one guy, it was like Cobra Kai. You don't sound like, you know, a Cobra Kai, the old school and the Karate Kid. They have a show about Cobra, Kyra.
I always have, like the best students. He had what he thought was the best student. So by me not going to his writing classes, he took it his mind, but I didn't like him. Not that I didn't like him. Is that the fucking time I wouldn't have made it? And like I told you on top of that, I just didn't think I'd get my it. I was stupid. I didn't know that. Anyway, there was a county contest.
And. The grand prize was you went to the Comedy Store, you performed for Mitzi Shore, you got 500 bucks and I don't fucking know, you emceed something. I don't fucking know. Well, you know what, man? Even with that little work study group that they were doing for six or seven months. I went up there, and if you know anything about me, then maybe three quarters prepared and I fucking ripped the room apart, but.
I was in clean. So they gave him the first prize and they gave me the second prize, which I wipe my ass with, my thing was I want to mix it the same. I didn't give a fuck about getting the second fuckin prize. I did. I take it my feelings weren't hurt at all. I wasn't upset. I thought I had done a better job. I knew I was funny and the guy. But the next day they actually called me and they said that the guy had robbed the joke from Sinervo so they would give me the first place trophy or whatever.
They had already given him the money and they were probably going to fly me out to L.A. teammates. Sure, I was never so fucking excited in my life. The next Tuesday, I went up there and I'll never forget for a while there I was shooting a podcast. Listen, I like being comfortable. If it's between wearing a white shirt with a tie to impress you, you go fuck yourself. I don't give a fuck about impressing people. I just want to be comfortable.
I just want to feel loose. So a lot of times it's warm out. I just wear white V-neck T-shirt. You know what? I know you're not supposed to wear those. You're supposed to wear those under your clothes. But some people, they get offended if you wear them like you got no class for me. I just want to be fucking comfortable. So it was a nice night out. It was like an April night in Colorado. I wore jeans, I wore nice sneakers, and I put on one of those white t shirts and I walked into the comedy works.
I signed my name. God knows what number I was going up. I went up there, I fucking kick some ass. You know, when I walked off the stage, some people that they all said hello to me. They had all heard about the contest, the Bible. And then as I was walking out, I saw the guy that taught a fucking class. His name was Matt Woods. And he came over to me. Do you have a minute if I could talk to him on my gear?
What's going on? Mr. Woods is like, hey, man, look at the way you show up up here. He goes half the time you fucking cancel. The other at the time he smoked, I want to look at the T-shirt you have on, you know, he goes and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I go, you fucking mad at me? Because I, I fucking your guy cheated and stole a joke.
He goes, No, no, I'm not mad at you because of that. I'm mad at you because it even came to that. I got what are you talking Magos, man? He goes without even fucking try. You're funny and all these fucking guys up here. He goes, and that kid could write calmly for days, and he'll never be as funny as you ought to come naturally, but he does look at you. You not taking this fucking seriously?
You think this is, you know, what is it going to change for you? Have you ever considered to take this seriously? You would be a fucking animal. But Kininmonth, take it seriously. You're going to be a joke about this all your life, guys. My fucking hands were bulging in the fucking face. I wanted to beat this guy up so fucking bad. Because it was like a compliment, but not really. He was telling me I was good, but the same time he was telling me I was a piece of shit, or at least that's how I was taking to.
And he gave me his fucking little earpiece, because if you want this, it's Gaffey, if you want to keep doing what you're doing. Keep wearing your shirts and keep not being a fuckin comic. Keep you're going to throw this away and you're going to miss an opportunity. And, man, I fucking he walked away from me and I walked towards the bus station and I was so pissed off at him. That I was going to walk back and beat the fuck out of.
And I think I even walked back and he was gone, and that's when I realized. I thought this guy just saved my fucking life. This guy between him. Mr. Blue and quitting fucking basketball. This guy just fucking helped me realize. Why I have to push myself in this county genre, because if not, I'm going to continue to feel the same way I've been continuing. From when I was 15, I quit the basketball team. I can fucking quit, I quit the fucking Jedi, you know, I fucking went to prison.
Everything wrong? These two guys, Mr. Blue and Matt Woods, gave me the opportunity to realize what I fucking had. And one of them real, made me realize what I had, the other guy actually lit the fuse on the firecracker. And here we are, 30 years fucking later, doing a podcast on two things. One, realizing who you are and what you could do and to not being scared of what you're going to become after you go for that move.
Don't look back. Who gives a fuck? Listen, people are going to get mad. People are going to be happy. Last week I was walking around and I put up, hey, I went to look at the school and the next day some guy put on fucking Facebook. I can't imagine Joy doing fucking jujitsu. That's great. That's the same people come up to you when you tell them you want to join a band or you're thinking of fucking taking a course or you're thinking of joining a theater group.
Those are the same people that stop you from fucking you know, from giving you that. That may be fucking. My client is right. Who the fuck am I to be an organ player in a fucking circus? You know, there's always some guy that tries to stop you from your dream. Uncle Joe is good for the month of December to get you ready for twenty, twenty one. I'm going to make you fucking realize who the fuck you are.
And I want you to start thinking about what's going to happen to you when you cross over that fucking realm to be the person or to do what you want to do, whether it's have a band. I have a podcast, be a plumber, be an archaeologist, be a doctor. Happy, easy. Just get a fucking attacking. And you can't live your life like that. If not, why? I live in the great USA. Go to fucking communist fucking Cuba and you could tell just look at, you know, my decline.
How tall are you. Five, ten. We're going to make you an astronomer. You know that because we got enough fucking telescopes for you to see out through whatever. I don't fucking know. It's the Joey Diaz fucking Uncle Joey joint. It's December 2nd. And I just want to let you know that's all going to be doing in sun. I'm going to have guest on here. To get you ready for 2020, one of not going for your fuckin project, but I want you to fucking start thinking about what's going to happen to you after you do what you want to do.
But Joey Outweight, 480 pounds. It's gonna take me 200 fucking years to lose the weight when you do lose that fucking weight. Who's the person you're going to be? It's going to be a scary motherfucker because you lost that weight, we're all scared of who we might become. Don't be scared who you might become, be scared of who the fuck you are now and how you're going to fucking evolve and how are you going to deal with that person.
You are now the same way I look at those old church episodes from four years ago and I see an old man that's just discombobulated on fucking edibles and drugs and whatnot. Try four years later. Believe it or not, I still eat my edibles. I still do my little spray from time to time. And God knows I smoke dope with four great hands and I'm a complete different fucking person. We change. And that's the lesson this week. And Uncle Joey's joint for November 30th and December 2nd, Wednesday.
Before I leave, I want to thank you guys for all the support classes. Boneyard, without you guys, I would have never been able to do it without my training on the church. I would have I wouldn't have been able to do it. So I reckon you do. Goes towards something, nothing goes, the universe will take you. I've been telling you this for ten years. Cocksuckers don't give up now. Listen, that's it. And that's that.
I have a great week. I'm happy you motherfuckers, too. And then on a Wednesday morning, I know you got other shit to listen to and to watch, and that's funny, whatever. But here we got no covid and we give you a great fucking advice and that's it. And that's that. Have a great weekend and enjoy the Patrina. We got a great album of the week coming up. I don't know if you guys know that I do it on Patreon.
I also do a fucking other podcast, Joe Ideas Project on page three on it's three, five and ten dollars. I don't give a fuck to subscribe or not. I always join is free. It's my gift to you on a weekly basis. Thank you very much for another fun week. And now for word from our sponsors.
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