Welcome to Unruly. I'm your host, Sheila Marie. I'm an author, a fierce advocate for Black women, and the founder of the Curvy Curly Conscious Movement. In this space, I'm sharing what I've learned on my own journey while sitting down with some amazing women who are all navigating their own paths to healing. Because there's no better time than now to get a little Unruly. Welcome to Unruly, where we dig deep into the a messy and beautiful journey of self-discovery. I'm your host, obviously, Sheila Marie, and we're talking mindfulness and meditation today. How to find that peace within, how to stay centered when the world seems chaotic. And I'm honored to be joined today by the beautiful and lovely Koya Webb. Koya is a holistic health coach, a yoga teacher, and the author of Let your fears make you fierce. Her work empowers me and many others to use mindfulness and meditation to transform our fears and live fully. So if you've ever struggled to find your calm in the storm, or if you're curious about how to cultivate more peace and purpose in your life, then this episode is for you. Let's discover together how we can go inward, quiet that noise and find the clarity that we need to live fully and freely.

Welcome to Unruly, Koya. We're so happy to have you.

Thank you, Sheila. That was so beautiful. You're so beautiful. I just love you.

All same, friend. I think this is a really beautiful full circle moment because I think the last time we saw each other was in the Atlanta airport. Yeah. Yeah. I wasn't even living in Atlanta at the time. I was still living in Florida, and I was coming to visit the house that I live in now, and I ran into you.

So here we are. Yeah. Yeah. Here we are. And I was just moving from LA, and I was just like, you know what? It's time for a change. And here we are, both in Atlanta.

Yes, man. I am. And I also, before we get into the questions, I want to say congratulations on your upcoming marriage. Thank you. Yeah, or your wedding, your upcoming wedding. That's what you say.

Thank you. It's exciting. It's scary. It's all the things. Is it?

I actually want to ask you about that. We'll get into it a little. Not too much. You know what I'm saying? A little demure. We keep it very cutesy, very mindful. Very demure. Koya, I've followed you for years, and one thing that really resonates with me, I'm the same person is how open you are about your personal struggles, especially around fear and self-doubt, which I relate to because I am a former member of the imposter syndrome community. So I wanted to know if you can share with us a moment where you felt yourself shifting from fear into power.

Oh, my goodness. I mean, that's such a great question because it happens so many times. And I believe I'm in this constant evolution. I'm committed to growth and evolution in this lifetime and always showing up as a fullest version of myself. So I'll talk about the last time, and we can go back to other times. But the last time I really had a profound moment was where I faced my fears, was sharing about my persistent depression on stage in front of a sold-out audience. And I just felt like it was so important to share because I am a high functioning person that also deals with depression. I thought it was important to share because people will feel like I have it all together, and I look like I have it all together, and then I'll disappear for a little while, or I get quiet for a little while, and they'll be like, Oh, what happened? But I'm still functioning. For instance, during the pandemic, I had a team of 21 people, and I did this huge online get loved up yoga and meditation and mindfulness retreat. You were a part of it.

Yes, I remember We get loved up.

It was successful. We had 8,000 opt-ins. Each session had 4,000 to 500 people in it. It was virtual. We had international audience, and you would look at me after doing a successful event like that and think, Oh, man, she must be so stoked. She must be so happy. And the next day, I was in my bathroom and I just bawled. I was crying. I was so unhappy. And even though I did this event, it was so hard. I experienced so much betrayal, and I was alone. I felt like I was experiencing it all by myself. I just went through a very nasty breakup with a narcissist, and I felt like crap. I was just like, Okay, I had this big business success, but I'm lonely. I was so in my business. I really had nurture deep sisterhoods and friendships with women in my life. I just felt like nothing. I just allowed myself to cry. And I allowed myself to be vulnerable. And I said, I need to heal. I need to heal. So even though I'd done all the yoga, all the meditation, expert teacher, I realized that, no, this trauma is coming up, and this is what I teach.

When trauma comes up at any stage in life, it's just a sign that you have to do some deeper healing work. And you heal for your lifetime. You heal for lifetime, generations before you. And so when that came up, I already knew what to do. I was like, All right, here we go. Here Where'd we go again. And I did not know, Sheila, that it was going to take two years. That's a whole journey. But I literally started there and was like, I want romantic partnership. But I knew because I experienced assault and because I kept choosing Narcistic men, that it was a pattern. I was like, I need to break this pattern. And going through the pandemic and experiencing all the microaggressions and learning that I normalize microaggressions. I was just waking up to so much that I wasn't really fully aware of. I thought I knew, but I didn't know. And when I started really diving deep into why I felt unsafe and why I felt not enough, I really uncomfortable, Girl, you have been living and normalizing trauma for 40 years, and it's time for you to address that. So, yeah, that was my last thought.

I really resonate to that. I definitely resonate to that. I talk about in the opening of my book that the moment that started my entire self-love journey was being in an abusive relationship and having an out-of-body moment where I felt like I saw my mom in him. I was like, Wow, this is a pattern. This is a belief that I have been interacting with, dancing with, co-creating with for all these years. And whatever I have to do to not replay this, I'm going to do it. With that said, I wanted to ask you something. You mentioned that you've been on this journey dealing with depression for a long time, that this particular bout, you were dealing with it for two years. And one thing that I'm thinking about a lot in my journey is, when is it enough? When it comes to healing, sometimes it can feel like this never-ending cycle, like you're going to be a forever fixer. And what do you say to that? Is there ever a moment where you say, You know what? I've done the self-work. I'm just going to live now? Or how do you navigate that?

I love that question because a lot of people have different views on it. But my view is is that it's a choice. Healing is a choice. And we're not healing just for ourselves. We are healing for humanity. And you don't have to be, quote unquote, healing so deep all the time. I truly, I'm working on my second book now, and I teach that we go through cycles. We go through a healing cycle, a building cycle, and a thriving cycle. And even though I just went through the last healing cycle, the last two years, it doesn't mean I wasn't I was thriving just at a different level, but things look different. I think it's important to talk about the different cycles of our journeys in life because just like nature, everything is cyclical. We don't have winter all the time, summer all the time, some places Some places do, some places don't. Some people do. Some people don't. Depending on what you're supposed to experience in this lifetime, you might go through deeper healing than someone else, but it is always a choice. You can go through life and experience the same over and over again, or you can decide to go deeper and heal it when it shows up for you.

You talked about healing being cyclical, and I think that that's beautiful. I did not really understand that lesson fully until I moved to Georgia. I grew up in Florida my entire life, where there are no seasons and everything, it's sunny, 90 degrees every single day. I have plants. You're a plant mama, too. And when I came here, I got so shook my first winter. I thought all my plants were dying. Why are they not like new leaves? And it was like, Girl, that's how nature work, girl. You don't expect your plant to be full, thriving, producing new leaves year round. It's completely normal and healthy to have cycles. So I love that reframe. I want to I'm going to ask you about mindfulness because that's why we're here. And I feel like mindfulness is such a buzzword, which is good, but also when a term gets incorporated in a pop culture and popular media, sometimes it loses its meaning. So for you, from your perspective, what does mindfulness mean to you?

I feel like mindfulness is presence. I feel like we can get caught in the past. We were talking about healing. When you're healing a lot, you're dealing with things of the past. Or we can be so anxious about our goals and our mission and everything we want to do. But to me, mindfulness is present. It's just about being present to your breath, how your body feels, how your mind feels. And just being present is being mindful. Being present is with you He was listening to you or whoever you are in front of and just really not checking your phone, not worrying about the past.

You're talking to me.

Right? You're talking to me. So, yeah, it's present to me. Being present with your meals instead of... And it's fine if people have dinner with TV. But also a practice that I like to do is just be present with my food, taste it and smell it and share it with my man. I think mindfulness is just presence with whatever you experience in the moment and giving it your full undivided attention.

Being present. That is such a powerful and simple lesson, especially in today's culture where we're just constantly multitasking. In your book, Let your fears make you fierce, you reframe fear as a catalyst for growth. I wanted to know if you could speak a little bit about... If I hear that, I go, I want to turn my fear as a catalyst to growth. How do we do that?

Yes. Well, I see fear as your best friend. Fear is your best friend. Yes. When fear shows up, it's like, Hey, sis, I'm unhealed here. Hey, sis, I'm not cool with that. And it's up to you to say, Oh, okay, fear. Why not? What's up? What's going on? What did Why are we afraid of this? And what emotions are coming up? So if you talk to fear as your best friend, you can face everything and rise versus forget everything and run. And so I like to look at fear as my best friend. So when these emotions of fear, these vibrations, because I feel like fear is just such a... It's a cliché word, right? But there is envy, jealousy, competitiveness. All these, to me, are vibrations of fear. All of these things that are outside of love and compassion and generosity are vibrations of fear. And I learned this in the course of miracles. But then when you boil it down to fear and love- Come on, Marion Williamson. Yeah, you really understand it.

So So when you feel fear coming up, what do you tell it? I once had a healer tell me to conceptualize fear as like a stuffed animal or something on Sesame Street. And just like, I just see it in the room with you, like dancing, but it's not scary. It's not going to hurt you, but it's there. So I'm wondering, when you feel fear, let's say you're writing a new book now, right? First of all, congratulations.

Thank you. Congratulations to you. I can't wait I'm happy to read your book.

Thank you. And when you feel that fear, do you? Maybe you don't. Maybe you have absolutely no fears. But I know me when I was writing my book, there was so many fears that came up like, am I going to get it right? Are they going to love it? Are they going to hate it? Does this make sense? So what do you do with it when it comes up?

When it comes up, again, I look at it as my best friend. So okay, hey, friend. We're friends. What am I afraid of? And for me, I had a lot of trauma around the cover of my book. And it's like, okay, I'm having anxiety anxiety because I didn't get the cover that I want. And here I am writing a book called Let your fears make you fierce. And I'm not feeling fierce at all because it's my first book. And I'm trying to stand in my power about the cover, and I'm losing. And I completely lost. And it hurt so bad, and I was so disappointed. And so now I was writing my second book. It was like, I would not finish the proposal because I was so scared that I was going to have another experience like that. And I was like, What am I going to do? And that started making me pause, and it started making me procrastinate. And that's the thing. When fear comes up, if you don't address it, you start to procrastinate, and you start to belittle yourself, and you start to freeze, almost. Because when you're in fear state, you freeze.

There's fight, flight, or freeze.

Freeze and fawn.

And fawn, yes. I know a lot about fawning. So I was just like, no more fawning. Me, too. No more fawning.

High people, pleasers.

Exactly. I was like, No. So I actually reached out and I talked to someone from the company, and I told them about my fear, and I told them about what happened. And so I choose to communicate. So first, the thing is talk to your fear, ask why are you here? And I need it to address. I need to communicate what had happened if I didn't want to repeat what had happened before. And I think it's so important, especially when our fear deals with an entity or a person, we need to communicate. And a lot of times we are afraid to communicate because we don't want to rock the boat, we don't want to upset someone. But a lot of times people don't even know that they've offended you or they don't even know that they've caused you harm. So it's really important to communicate If you don't feel safe, you can communicate to a therapist or a friend first. But it's really important to get it out of you or you can even journal. So I talk to my friend fear. We decide, okay, we're going to address this. We're going to talk to the company.

And so when I did The results were so great. It was like, I'm so sorry you experienced that. That won't happen again. So it was so positive. And so it helped me get past that fear. So I say, face fear, see fear as your friend. Talk to it head on. Don't try to push it away. Say, Oh, get away from me. I don't want to have fear. I'm strong. I can do this. Fear shows up for a reason. I say our emotions are our best friends, too. So if you're sad, you talk to sadness. Say, okay, sadness, what are you teaching me? Okay, frustration. I'm not going to be frustrated. I'm just going to be happy. To me, that's spiritual bypassing, right? And we don't want to do that. Oh, yes.

I'm so glad you brought that up.

Right? It's like we don't want to just say, Oh, I'm happy. I'm good. No, I'm not good. I'm actually hurt. Toxic positivity. Right? That's toxic positivity. I'm sad. And so when you speak to your emotions, they stop having power on you and you become partners into figuring out what's going to be best for you. So fear is your friend, and when fear is your friend, that's what makes you fierce. And what fierce is, it's really just love. So once you address fear, you lean into love.

Yeah, this sounds like shadow work, actually, in a certain capacity. And have you ever heard of parts work? Parts? Yeah, parts work.

No.

So interesting It sounds a lot like what you're taught, similar in concept, but I've worked with someone who did parts work before. And let's say I'm really stressed out about writing my book, he would talk to that part of me, and then we would engage in it, and I be talking to myself through the... It was really far out. He learned this. We did several sessions where we talked about it, talked about the fear, so he got to know it. And then in one session, he was me as the fear, and I was talking to me through him as the fear. It was like hearing yourself out loud, hearing your thoughts out loud, and then realizing it's almost like Wizard of Oz, like behind this big, scary thing. It's just this little baby thing of like, Hey, I might be scared. I'm a little nervous about this, and it's not so scary. I love that.

I love that. It is very similar. And then I don't know if you've done internal family systems, but it's similar.

That's one I really want to try.

Yeah. It's really about just addressing these different parts of us, our inner child, our wounded self, different parts of us that may have come up in order to protect us. So we take on different energies, and everything about us is trying to protect us and save us. You are your best friend. Your body loves you, your mind loves you, your emotions love you. Everything loves you. And I know that's hard because I know when I was a little girl, I was my biggest enemy. I used to have negative self talk. I used to talk about myself, but because other people used to talk about me. Being 5'10, I was taller, I was dark skin. And so I got teased a lot. I got ridiculed a lot. I wear a size 10 shoe. My dad thought it was cool to get me size 11 so I can grow into it. So I had these big old shoes. So I got teased a lot. And I think when you grow up getting teased a lot, you have a low sense of self-worth and other people talk about you. So you talk about yourself. And when you look in the mirror, you don't love the person that you see, you feel like you have to fix her or you feel like she has to be perfect.

And this is something that has scarred me for so, so many years. And honestly, it really wasn't until I turned 40, like during the pandemic where I had this moment where I was like, Girl, even though you're doing all this self-work and self-care, you are still holding on to a lot of trauma and a lot of negative beliefs about yourself. And that's my last bout of healing I had to go to because I realized I had normalized the microaggressions that I experienced since childhood. I mean, since childhood, growing up in Tennessee, I was one of the few Black women in my classes. Or when I got into wellness, I was one of one or two Black women in wellness. Now, there are many of us, and it's beautiful. But being one of the first was very isolating. And even though people would say things that were microaggressions and very harmful for me, I normalized it because I wanted to be there. I wanted to pave away. I wanted to make the difference. But I didn't understand how over time, that was chipping away at my self-worth, and I had to deal with that.

You know what? You actually led me perfectly into what I was going to ask you next, which is about creating safe spaces for Black women. That's something that I'm very passionate about with Unruly and with the work that I do, because I feel that there's a very specific need for Black women to feel safe And if we're not careful, the wellness community can be predominantly white. And so I want to know, how do you go about creating inclusive or affirming spaces for Black women where they feel welcome and empowered?

I love that because it's really all about vulnerability. It's really all about me not being afraid to be transparent, not being afraid to share my story. And that was actually really hard for me. For some people, it comes easy. For me, it was hard because being a black woman in mostly white spaces, you have to be better than the best to be considered normal, to be considered average. So I was always used to presenting, I got this, I got it, I know this, studying extra hard during more than most and things like that. And so when it came to vulnerability, I felt like, well, if I shared my mistakes or if I shared my shortcomings, then I would be labeled as that mistake. And I feel like us as black women, when we share, even still to this day, we look like, oh, she's that. She's that issue. That's her. Versus people that are not black. It's like, oh, she had a little problem. Oh, she had this little instance with drugs or she had this little episode. And if you're black and you have something like that happen, you I have an episode. Oh, she crazy.

Oh, she got it together.

She's a drug addict forever.

Great. I just think that I had to not be attached to what people think about me. I had to let go of what people would think about me and realize I know who I am. I know why I'm here. I know my purpose, and I'm going to lean heavily into that. And that's what allowed me to share my vulnerabilities more and being in more spaces with Black women. I remember the first time I was in a space because I feel like people that go to HBCUs and people that grow up around groups of people that look like them, they actually have more experience of that safe space more than someone like myself who grew up in the south. And outside of my family, we were very isolated. And I lived in the country. So it was very isolating. I really didn't learn how to develop friendships until later in life because of that. And so when you grow up like that, you really have to lean into spaces where you feel safe. So I remember a black Black Girls Run was the first time where I was speaking at the event. And before I got on the plane, Sheila, I cried.

I was so scared because when I was younger, because I was in these classes, when I went to groups of Black women, I was like, Oh, you are Oreo. And, Girl, I am not light skinnnable, and I am not knowing your passion. And I was like, What? No, I'm Black. Look at my look. People call me Black, and people tell me to stay out of the sun. What are you talking about? But it It was because, Oh, no, you're over there. You're in advanced classes. I was also a student athlete. It was very isolating. I got bullied a lot for being in advanced classes and being in circles of people that were non-Black. And so when I went here, I was like, Okay, I don't know if this is going to be a room for the mean girls, and I'm going to have to just protect myself or if I'm going to be embraced. But of course, I went there and I was embraced. And that was my first experience of being embraced by Black women. And I was in my mid-20s. Yeah. First of all... Sorry, go ahead. I still have friends to this day from Black Girls Run.

And shout out to that company because it was really a profound and transformational moment for me because I was like, Oh, my God. Women love me. And not just... Of course, I have friends, but it's different when you have friends in a group of people, because even in groups of women, I was ridiculed because I'm tall, I'm slim. Oh, you You're skinny. Oh, you're this, you're that. We were poor. We got our clothes from the Health and Hands. So people would talk about my hair and my clothes, and it was so harmful. It wasn't healthy at all. And so it took me a while to heal from that trauma. And being in a group, specifically in that instance, Black Girls Run, helped me heal and realize there are safe spaces to be in groups of Black women and not feel like you're going to be attacked. Wow.

So am I right in saying Black Girls Run is a running club?

Yeah, it's a running club.

Where you run without being chased? Yes. Okay. So people run for fun. Wow.

Yeah, they run for fun. It was so profound, what they built, and I feel like they've sold it or transitioned it since then. But it was so profound. So many beautiful Black women running.

I really want... And maybe in a parallel universe, there's a version of Shilu who just loves running. I think runners, esthetically, it's so cute. You all are so cute. Oh, my God. You all are so cute because you all put on your little sports bra and stuff, and you all just go outside and run for fun. There's no one forcing you. I am amazing. You all are amazing. I have tried. Baby, let me tell you how much my family right now, if they could hear this conversation, they'll be cracking up laughing because one thing is I have to force myself to go on the treadmill.

Oh my God.

But maybe I'll meditate and drop into a version of me who likes running and see what that's like.

I mean, I love that you said that because even what was so beautiful there, it was women of all different shapes and sizes. And some women jog, but some women walk. And it was more so about sisterhood. I can walk. Exactly. So I could be a part of Let Girls Run if I walk? Honey, yes. Okay. I can do that. It says Black Girls Run, but you could totally walk. You could walk, jog, and some people were spreading. Walking is my jam.

But yes, you could totally be in breaks.

And that's what was so beautiful about it. It was that not about running or being the fastest. It was really about sisterhood.

And that's so important. And also something that's important I want to touch on is joy and play. I think when we talk about mindfulness, when we talk about spirituality, growth, healing, I feel like we leave behind joy sometimes and play a lot. And we focus on this work. You got to do the work. You got to put in the work. Did you do the work? Are you doing the work? And I think, especially me, I'm passionate about joy and play, especially for Black bodies, because I feel that historically, we have been conditioned to associate our worth with our output, our labor, so how hard I can work. Black women are so proud of how hard they can work themselves, how many things we can accomplish. I'm guilty of this. I'm talking to myself, too. I think we sometimes don't necessarily give this space to joy and play. I remember when early on in my company's journey, we weren't producing retreats yet. We were just doing day events, and we decided instead of workshops, let's do play shops. And literally, they were so hard to sell. And at the end of it, I asked Justin, you know Justin?

Hi, Justin. Michael Williams. I love you. I was like, Justin, I'm having trouble selling my play shops. He's like, Sheila, people don't see the benefit in paying for play. Play is not something that is high on our totem pole of needs. They'll pay to work, they'll pay to learn, but not to play. And so I want to touch on because you talk about joy being a radical act, especially for Black bodies. And I want to know what made you come to that conclusion, and what do you mean by that?

I feel like to reclaim our joy is resistance. It's resistant to the patriarchy. It's resistance to this consumerism culture. Us playing and being in our natural state, out in nature. Yes, we all I love a good trip, and I love to travel, and I love luxury. But I also- Come on now. I love all of that. But at the same time, I just got back from the Bahamas, and my favorite moments were floating in the ocean, which is absolutely free.

Now, that's one thing I'll join you on, Koyya. Me, you can float.

Yeah. And I floated for longer than I've ever floated in my life. I was out there floating for at least 30 minutes. I was in a float meditation, and And I was holding my fiance's hand.

Unmatched.

Yeah. And I literally start crying. I start having a release. I felt like the ocean was holding me. And the last time I felt this way, I was in Egypt in the Red Sea, which I call it Kymet. But for those who don't know Kymet, Egypt. And I was in the Red Sea. It was the first time I floated. And I was told in college that, Oh, Black people can't float because your bones are dense. And it was a lie. I mean, it might be harder. Everybody's body is made differently. I was told I've never heard that. It was actually in a textbook. I was like, Show me where that is. The teacher showed me. I was like, Oh, my gosh. I was a water safety instructor, and I was learning all these things. But to feel like just because I was Black, I wasn't able to float.

Is that a scientific fact?

No.

I was going to say, okay, wow, shout out to eugenics. All of our bodies are different.

Shout out to eugenics. Different people have... Yes, it is true that different people have different bone densities, but it doesn't mean you cannot do something. It depends on the environment, which is what I prove as I was floating in the Bahamas in the Red Sea. Because there's more salt in the water, it's actually easier to flow if you have a denser body weight. But we're all different sizes. So just because whenever they did their study, they experienced this reality is not the truth for all people. Our bone densities are different. And even us as women, our bones get lighter as we get older. So nothing is absolute. And I think that's important for people to know that feel like, Oh, I can't do this or I can't do that. Nothing is absolute. Literally, you define your reality, and we are breaking through barriers and rules all the time. So don't let anyone tell you that nothing is possible because all things are possible if you believe they're possible. We have made a way so many times. We've proven even science wrong. And so that's something that I continue to believe to this day. If I really believe something is true and my spirit is telling me something is possible, then I'm going to try it.

How do you recommend someone could tap into their own radical sense of joy?

I feel like you really have to be okay with being alone. I feel like oftentimes we're looking to social media and our parents and our friends to validate us. And we are spiritual beings having a human experience, and we all have a unique reason to be here. And when we are alone and when we are silent and when we're in meditation, we're tapping into our own unique essence of why we are here and what we are here to do. And when you follow that essence, it will bring you to joy, it will bring you to abundance, and it will bring you to your purpose. But it's all about being okay with solitude. I'm not saying solitude forever. I'm not saying be a monk and never be around people. I'm just saying have moments in your everyday life. And back to your point, I teach lifestyle design. So in that lifestyle design, you're always doing healing work. You're always doing joy work. You're not waiting for a day, Keisha. You're baking it into the fabric of your everyday life. So every day I have spiritual time. I meditate, I do yoga, I do fitness, I do breathwork every single day.

Not all the time checking off every box, but whatever I feel like for the day. And then Tuesday through Thursday, I have meetings. I do work, I do call. And other days I do content creation. But every day I play, every day I do a little bit of work. Sometimes I take a day completely off, but I bake it into every day so I don't have to retreat. I go on a retreat and that's That's a little deeper work, but I bake in self-care and joy into every single day of my life.

That's such a beautiful concept that you're baking in whatever emotional experience we would want from a vacation or a trip. How can we build in small pieces of that into our daily life so that you build a life that you don't feel the need to escape from? If you do go on a trip, it's an added bonus. It's great. It's fun. But you still have that in your everyday life. I love that. I love that. I once talked to an interior designer who said, make your home so beautiful that no matter where you go in the world, whenever you come back, you're so happy to be here. And I'm like, Yes. I mean, however that looks, that looks different. But I just thought that was cute.

I love that. I actually believe that and live that. When I come home, I'm happy to be home. I'm happy to see my plants. I'm happy to be in my space and be in my bed. My bed is the bomb. I love it here.. Right. I curated it nicely so that I do love it. So I agree with your interior designer. That's a great idea.

And speaking of daily routines and stuff like that, how would you recommend? What would you say? Oh, I want to start a meditation and mindful practice or mindfulness practice, but I don't know where to start. I don't have a lot of time. I'm a mom. I got kids. I got morning routines with the kids already. How can I even build this into such a busy life?

That is the best question because I work with a lot 50% of my community are moms. And so I say start in the bed. In the bed, when you wake up, just sit up in bed and you can breathe and meditate. You can do your breathwork and meditation right there. You can do your stretching right there. Maybe it's kids right outside your bed. But until you step your foot on that ground, you are in your happy place. You're in your sacred space in your bed. And so I would say start there. And I literally set this up. I write out a wellness prescriptions for my clients. And so I've written this for a lot of women, and it works. They're like, okay, I just set up. And I do it myself. Sometimes I go down to my space, but sometimes I just sit up in my bed and I meditate, and I breathe and I pray. I do my gratitude work right there, right there in bed before I get out. So that's my biggest tool that I think has helped so many people who don't have the time. Love that. And it doesn't have to be 30 minutes or an hour.

It can be 10 minutes. It could be five minutes. I think also throw away the fact that it needs to be a certain length to be effective. It needs to be done and preferably consistent. When it's consistent, when it's done, at least five minutes, 10 minutes, and then the more you can tack on it, the better. But it's better to be done than not done, and it's better to be consistent. That way you build up a habit and you're showing your body, you're You're telling your body, not just lip service, I love myself. You're showing your body you love yourself because you're dedicating this time to yourself every day.

So start in the bed and keep it short and keep it consistent. I love that. I think it's atomic habits. Maybe my husband was reading and he was like, Just do it 10 minutes a day. Just start. Give yourself 10 minutes. And then at the end of 10 minutes, if you're done, you're done. And I realized, I think this was talking about me getting back into my yoga or something. And I was like, after 10 I'm like, I can stay for another 10 minutes. But if not, it's good to just start there. You are getting married soon. Yes. How do you feel?

I feel so excited. Also, it's a lot of work, and it's a lot of layers to it. But more than anything, I feel so much excitement and I feel so much gratitude. I mean, I'm 43 and I found the love of my life. I had given up for a moment. Period. Yeah. I was like, Love is not for me in this lifetime. I'm cool with that. I have made peace with it until I was honest with myself. I was like, Girl, you know you ain't happy. You know you love some romance. You're too damn romantic to be single. Girl, please, stop lying to yourself. And so when I was honest with myself, I was like, I do want this, and let me do this healing work. I started through Queen of Fua's Sacred Woman, and I did the work to heal my relationship with my father, to heal my relationship with my womb because of trauma I experienced.

You read the book or you did work with her?

I read the book, I went through all the practices and gateways in the book, and she is my spiritual mother and mentor, and she will be an officiant at our wedding.

She literally- I'm so jealous.

I love her so much. I didn't know the engagement was going to be when it was, but she was at the engagement. I can't make this up. The things that have happened, and then transparently, the last few years have been the lowest financial years since I really start scaling my business. But even in In that, I got my dream house and my dream man. So I want to say that because a lot of people put so much success around money, and I love money, and I love luxury, and I love having an abundance. But at the same time, abundance is not necessarily always money in the bank. I got good credit, so I got a huge house. You know what I'm saying? I got a dream man, but we on a budget. So I think it's important to note that abundance comes in many different forms and don't get caught up with one idea of abundant or feel like you're a failure or feel like you're, some people use the word broke. I say, don't say broke, say budgeting. And budget wisely when you're in a season of low financial well-being because your body is listening to The universe is listening to you.

And so as you're budgeting and you're making smarter decisions with your money because you don't have the extra on the side like you used to just like, wipe it off on everything you want to. It also teaches mindfulness as well. And so I'm in this season where I feel more abundant than I ever have in my life because I have abundance. My friendships, remember I told you earlier that I didn't understand how to build sisterhood and I experienced betrayal and all this stuff. Well, I learned everybody ended up for you. But you can find those people that are for you in a big way. But you have to be intentional. You have to be discerning. And when I start doing that work and stop waiting to be invited, but I started reaching out, I started sending out invites, I started crying and saying, look, I need a hug. And so it's time to be superwoman. I found my people. And so I just think abundance is, and that's what I'm teaching in my next book, abundance is in every area of life. And when you look at it like that, you experience abundance at a core level.

And that to me is real joy.

Wow. I love this, Koya. I feel like I wish I had a notepad right now so I can take my notes to refer to all the gems you're dropping. And so you are about to step into a union. What mind mindfulness practices are you going to take with you to enhance that experience and ground you two as a couple?

Well, we have already started because we're basically life partners now. The celebration is just for our friends and family. And so we have a coach that we see every month that we can talk to outside of ourselves. I think that's really important, whether it's your minister or a therapist or an intuitive coach or a healer or whatever. You should have someone outside of you that can hold space for your union and can listen to you all together and really help you make commitments. Our guide has us make commitments to each other once a month. Like, what do you need? And we ask for one thing, and I think that is so important in any union, to make sure that you're getting your needs met because things can get very routine. When you can have kids, things can get very routine. I pass that tip onto my clients, and it's been so profound, the feedback from just like, Okay, one month, every month, we're going to ask a person, What can I do to you that will make you happier, that will make you feel more fulfilled? Just one thing in it. That really takes it to the next level.

Also, communication, that's our biggest value is communicating how we feel. A lot of times in relationships, you can hold things in. You don't want to rock the boat. You don't want to make them upset. A million other things are going on with the economy and the government and then A, B, C, D, E, F, Z. But you still have to find a time, even if it's once a week, to communicate how you feel, the highs and the lows. And I feel like when you do that, and I'd even do it with my team, my small team now is seven, not 21. But every team meeting- Still a number divided by seven.

I don't know. Isn't I was like, oh. Isn't that wild?

I didn't even notice that. You just said it. But every meeting, I say, what are your biggest wins of the week? What are your biggest challenges? So we talk about wins and challenges. And so I think that's important in a union. And then having fun, having having intimacy, play what you love. I think you should be doing that every day. Every day in the evening after 5 is social time. I'm either playing with my fiance or I'm playing with friends or girlfriends. Same. We got to play every day.

This is just making me so excited. I feel like I'm getting a lot of affirmation through talking to you, too. Hey, I'm doing so many things I'm not even realizing that are part of my overall mindfulness. There's a period of the day after practices and all the things where we just sit as a family and talk and have fun and joke and play. And I'm like, Don't realize how maybe something that small is so impactful and important. I want to get to the toolkit because a part of being unruly while we're here is to put it into practice. So we like to leave our listeners with something practical and actionable. So do you have either a mindfulness practice or something that you can maybe lead? If you want me, I'll be your test subject or if you want to just talk through that our listeners can walk away. Okay, I love what Koya said, but how do I put any of this into practice?

Yes, I have a toolkit thing, and it's breathwork and meditation and mindfulness wrapped up in one. It's super simple. It's super quick. So I invite you to close your eyes And place your right-hand over your heart and your left hand over your right. Take a deep inhale through your nose, audible side through your mouth. Deep inhale through your nose, audible side through your mouth. Last inhale through your nose, hold your breath at the top. Sip in a little more air. And then very slowly, audibly, exhale from the mouth. And affirm with me, I deserve the best life has to offer.

I deserve the best life has to offer.

I deserve the best life has to offer in every area of life.

I deserve the best that life has to offer in every area of life.

And so it is.

And so it is.

Ase.

Ase.

All right, that's it.

I'm ready to float off now.

You're going to float. I'm ready to float off. I really do that breathwork before every meeting, before every deep conversation. And to me, breath is spirit. So just putting your hands on your heart and breathing, it aligns you with spirit so you can speak from a spiritual place versus anywhere else. Gems.

Gems on Gems on Gems. Hoya, thank you. This was such an amazing conversation. I want to give a huge shout out to you for sharing all your wisdom, all your insight with us, and just being here. Thank you. Where can we people find you? What are you up to? Is there anything you want to leave the viewers with? Yes.

Or the watchers, listeners? Yes. You can find me at koyaweb. Com. You can find me on Instagram. I'm there most frequently, but I'm on all the social platforms as well. You can find my breathwork and mindfulness practice and yoga practices on YouTube as well. My website, social media. My book is everywhere. Books are sold. Let your fears make you fierce. How to turn common obstacles into seeds for growth.

Amazing. Thank you, Koya. Personally, I'm walking away with a renewed sense of how powerful it is to find stillness amidst the chaos. Keep living in your truth and always stay unruly.

Stay unruly. Yes.

All right. That was such a powerful conversation, wasn't it? I know. So let's dive into one of my favorite parts of the show. This is the Unruly Community Call-in section. And I love this part because I love hearing from you. So let's dive right into today's question.

Hello, this is Jamara. I love everything you stand for, everything you do. I enjoy your content, your posts, and just you as a person and as a woman. I just turned 30 maybe a month ago, and I'm struggling with womanhood and societal pressures, cultural stuff. And also I'm struggling with self-esteem and how to navigate going out with a friend. But you She might get more attention than you do, or how do you view that, or what to do about that. It's really starting to bother me, and I've never had this really happened before. You hear those things, Oh, don't care about the male gaze, decent to men, blah, blah, blah, blah. But also it is something I desire. Sometimes you want to break a few necks. Sometimes you want a little attention. I deeply desire a companion and a partner in this journey called Life. So let me know what you think and any advice you may have for me. Thank you so much, girl. Love you.

First of all, Jamara, thank you so much for the kind words. I truly appreciate all the sweet things you say about me. But Jamara says she just turned 30, and she's really just not filling herself. She's struggling with self-esteem and societal pressure, and I totally relate to that. And specifically, she said, I I want to feel desired by men, and I feel like I don't break any necks. What do I do about that? First of all, I want to just acknowledge you, and I want to honor the way that you're feeling right now, because our society absolutely does prioritize women who benefit from desired politics, and women who get attention from men. And so the male gaze is a real thing. This is what I would recommend, because I was in the very same spot you're in. And you know what I would do? I just wanted somebody. I just felt like I wanted somebody to save me from myself. I was always looking for somebody else to bring me an experience or a feeling that I couldn't get on my own. So what I started to do, and begrudgingly, mind you, I did not do this happy.

I was like, I don't want to go out and date myself. I want to date a man. But it really does start with you. As cliché as that sounds, what you give to yourself first, the world will mirror that. And if you Don't give it to yourself. No matter how much you date or no matter what man you get, no matter how great he is, you're never going to feel like you got it because you don't know how to actually receive it. So Jamaira, I'm giving you homework. I want you to arrange the dream date that you want a man to take you on for yourself. And I want you to dress yourself up in the same way that you would if the most handsome, just amazing Amazing man, honey, that's a good man, Savannah, okay? Imagine that man was coming to pick you up, girl, and take you out. What would you wear? What makeup would you wear? How would you do your hair? What would you wear? Where would you go? Really roll out the red carpet for yourself, okay? And I want you to do this at least once a month, all right?

Practice being in the energy that you want. And I promise you, the world will fall in line. Much love to you, Jamaira. Thank you so much for sending that in. And to the rest of the Unruly community, if you have something on your mind, a question or something you want me to answer, just send in a voice note at speakpipe. Com/unruly. I can't wait to hear from you. Thank you so much for listening. Be sure to follow or subscribe so you never, ever, ever, ever miss an episode of Unruly.