We want to do a 5k and we would love if you would join us. Not in.

A million years. Not in a million years. This is WatchBird Die.

Basically, right? This is- Yeah, Louis. 100 %.

This episode is brought to you by Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A. Com/theshit. That's where you want to go and you can get $200 off any mattress of your choice. I got to tell you, I was just on the road, multiple cities, multiple hotels, nice hotels, great beds, but there's nothing like getting home and getting into my own bed, my premium Soleil mattress by Satva. Yeah, it is, in my opinion, the best. I mean, it's a dream to sleep on. I don't have to sit up on my own. I can just chill out and veg out in zero gravity mode. I can't believe they make something like this for a very reasonable price. They pass on the savings that they get from not having storefronts to you. Please follow my lead on this. Go to satva, S-A-A-T-V-A. Com/theshit, and get any mattress with $200 off. Somebody said goodbye to type two diabetes, and he's sitting right across from me right now. Happy New Year.

Happy New Year, everybody. I hope you are hungover as fuck right now.

This will just carry you through the next hour and change, and then you can go back to your drip and your New Year's resolutions.

What's your New Year's resolution, Tom?

I think I have multiple ones. Really? Yeah.

I've already achieved everything I've ever wanted in life. I think you're done. This is a cruise year.

Cruise. Yeah, just chill.

It's a chill year. Chill year. Every year of resolution, it's drink less, lose weight, do pushups, run a seven minute mile. That's every year.

Did you run a seven.

Minute mile this year? No, I'm going to try. I haven't been running because I had plantar fasciitis when I was fat, just my feet hurt. Now I'm going to see if I can get down to a seven minute mile. Do you mean.

Just under eight or do you mean-.

A seven minute mile.

-do you think you can do that?

I don't know. I think I could now. Really? It's all about your body and the weight of your body.

Well, yeah. It's also how fast you move your legs.

I'm the skiniest I've been in probably 12 years. No, we were 220 when we did the weight loss challenge. That's the skiniest I've ever been, but I gained.

It right back. It's 2017.

I'm the skiniest I've been in a very long time.

But wait a minute. I want to go, because I just did a 5K, and one of the things I'd like to do this year is a 10K.

Oh, wow. This is what's beautiful about this show. It unravels right in front of you.

But one of the things I got- I.

Love being your partner.

Thank you. I love being your partner.

Did she say that to you?

Mm-mm.

Leanna say a fucking thing to me. I don't think she appreciates me as much as I appreciate you. Really? Oh, she's never made me money. That's why you appreciate me. Well, I don't say things too.

Wait, because here's the thing. I was so far removed... All right, full disclosure. The only time I really got into running, and I mean, I made it part of my routine, and this is true, is the summer between eighth grade and ninth grade. It really is. What I would do is on my own. This is why I was on the path of like, Oh, this is something that I think I'm really into. I did it five days a week from late May until September. I got pretty good at it. I was enjoying it and I was extending the runs. Let it go, never became a thing again. Getting ready for the 5K was the first time I got thinking about paces. You know what I mean? What I was for the last 15 years was basically like run a mile, get a mile. I never even thought about the time. It was always just like, Did we finish a mile? Then you would just walk and maybe run again. This was the only time where I was thinking about it, monitoring the pace, being like, Okay, I want to try to maintain this pace. It got that into my head.

Then you see the people who... You see the different categories, people who were running at a 10-minute pace, nine, eight, seven, six, and five, fucking the most psychotic people in the world.

They have those treadmills when you do marathons, they have a huge safe treadmill at the that the record setter for whatever marathon did, and they see if people can just stay on it. Their pace is so.

Fucking quick. Here's the thing, when those guys, the top tier guys that are doing the five minute and sub five minute paces, they're not like... They're just like... It looks like they're doing a casual run. They're so elite. But I actually started thinking about how back then when I did a one-mile test run, I did it in the low sevens, right? Yeah. I was like, Wow, that's fucking seemed so far, not just so long ago, but getting to that pace is like a real thing. Do you think you could do a seven-minute mile now?

Yeah, because a lot of what a seven-minute mile is, not multiple, I can't do multiple, but a lot of what a seven-minute mile is just maintaining that pace and.

Get it. Let's break it into quarter miles. Would you do it where you get to this pace in the first quarter and go, I will keep this for the four quarters?

Yes, and then in that last quarter, I speed it up.

You go for the push at the end.

I'd go for the push at the end. I did it the last time I did it was probably... It was when I was 40. That's fucking long ago. It's probably the last time I did it that I really remember registering it.

You're 51 now.

Yeah, 10-minute miles. I got to be honest, you 10-minute miles are.

Tough, especially for a long time. That's why I'm asking.

Do you think you can.

Trim that three minutes off of that? Three minutes off of a fucking run is not easy.

It's actually easier than you think. Okay, how? Because you will not notice a nine in the 10-minute mile. Your body won't notice it.

Well, I'll say this, for having just -.

What did you do with 5K in?

Dude, my goal was just to be sub-10 minute the whole time. I was looking at... I wish I had had the watch.

Oh, bro, I had - I was with my phone. Whenever I do races, they have a tattoo that you can put on your arm that has the... Not altitudes, but altitudes, really. Altitudes is the wrong thing.

Yeah, that's how- Attitude?

No. Aptitude? Longevity? No. Langevity? No, the thing that tells you how high you are. It tells you what you're about to run, your height you're about to run, and then when you're downhill, it gives you up hills and down hills to each mile.

It's a real time thing?

Yeah. Can you pull it up? A tattoo of-What do you.

Mean it's a tattoo?

A tattoo. It's like the things that go on your skin forever.

What?

A tattoo. What are we talking about? It's a press on. It's a press on.

I don't understand what it tells you.

It tells you mile one, your incline is this much, so you can pace yourself. Sometimes you'll go like, Fuck, it's a pretty steep incline. I'm going to walk this incline because I know that I have a down… Here's the thing- There are marathons that are just straight downhill, all downhill.

I ran a one mile the week leading up to it. It wasn't like, Oh, my God, I'm dying. It was focused, and it was 9:15, right?

It's good. Okay.

But I was like, Okay, if I fucking was really pushing myself to do that, I know I could, like if you were like, You got to run faster, probably trim it to just sub-nine for that one mile. That's a long ways from a seven minute mile, though.

Long way. It is. But if you're focusing on one mile, it's different. Totally. In one mile, you're looking at the clock, you're looking at your pace, and you're also realizing you're eating huge chunks of the clock, and you're knowing where you are. It is a burner, like you might throw up afterwards. But seriously, 10-minute miles is the threshold of the average person will feel a 10-minute mile. But if you're in shape, I would argue you won't feel the difference. If I put you what it looked like a 10-minute mile and had you start running and it was really a nine-minute mile, you'd be like, I didn't know.

You.

Would definitely know it's a seven-minute mile. Oh, fuck yeah. Eight-minute mile. I used to run eight minutes and 13 seconds was my pace when I was running a lot for a mile. But I'd never like... That's what I do a 5K in. I was doing 5K a day for... I thought I had a stroke in Bali, and it was sciatic problems, but it scared the fuck out of me. It scared the fuck out of me the only time I've ever read or listened to Matthew Perry's book. Do you ever listen to it?

The.

One about his addictions? Yeah. Heartbreaking.

What? Does it involve writing?

I did a lot of... No.

I didn't know we were like, Did we transition?

I don't know how I got to Matthew.

Perry's book. I was like, Wait a minute. Is there a fucking 5k.

In there? I don't know how I got to Matthew Perry's book. I don't know how I got into it.

I don't know how.

You got into it either. Because when I thought I had a stroke, there's a moment, especially if you're a partier, that you realize, I did this to myself. He had done that. He ruptured his colon. He realized he had done this to himself, and I identified with that feeling.

It's so fucking sad that he's dead.

Dude, I will just say this. Listen, I'm not going to get... One day I'll get in the weeds about addiction, and my control, and how I deal with things. I was just talking to Ryan about it ad nauseam about journaling. I really wanted a drink last night. I really wanted a martini and a bottle of wine. I wanted it. I journaled about it when I got home and why I wanted it and what I wanted, and I still couldn't get past the fact that I wanted it. I didn't have it. Then I journaled this morning about it, about do I feel better and I didn't feel better. Oddly enough, I didn't sleep well last night. Then after my workout, I journaled again and I went, Okay, that was good. I'm glad I didn't drink. Then I look at those journal entries and I use them to quantify times that I'm happy in my life. I have a happy journal. This is so crazy talk that Dr. Drew, everyone would pick me apart in a million fucking ways, and I'm not there yet. But in his book, when you listen to his book, if you're going through anything, listen to his book.

If you can identify with what he feels, then you have a problem because he really talks about having a problem. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Around New Year's, we all get obsessed with how to change ourselves instead of expanding on what we're already doing right. Maybe you finally organized one part of your space and you want to tackle another, or maybe you're taking supplements every morning, and now you want to actually eat breakfast, too. Therapy helps you find your strengths so you can ditch the extreme resolutions and make changes that really stick. Tom and I talk aggressively about New Year's resolutions. I think if not this episode, the next episode, because we're obsessed with change. We're obsessed with trying to do better for ourselves and our families. Tom's got two young kids, and my kids are almost out of the house, and now it's just me and LeAnne. All these things are changing. And if you're thinking that your life is changing or you want to add a little change into your life, I'll tell you right now. If you're also thinking about starting therapy, you got to give better help a try.

It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. Celebrate the progress you've already made. Visit betterhelp. Com/bears today to get 10 % off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P. Com/bears.

Your business was humming, but now you're falling behind, taking forever to close the books, getting one source of truth is like pulling teeth. If this is you, you should know these three numbers: 37,25,1. Your business gets to a certain size and the cracks start to emerge. You have too many manual processes. If this is you, you should know these three numbers: 37,25,1. Thirty-seven thousand, that's the number of businesses which have upgraded to NetSuite by Oracle. Twenty-five, NetSuite turns 25 this year. That's 25 years of helping businesses do more with less, close their books in a day, not weeks, and drive down costs. One, because your business is one of a kind, so you get customized solution for all your KPIs in one efficient system with one source of truth, manage risk, get reliable forecasts, and improve margins, everything you need to grow all in one place. Right now, download NetSuite's popular KPI checklist designed to give you consistently excellent performance, absolutely free at netsuite. Com/bears. That's netsuite. Com/bears to get your own KPI checklist. Netssuite. Com/bears.

He talks about it so clearly that it gave me sincere hope that like... Because I listen to it 83 days I was sober, and I just was like, I don't have that. I don't have that. He talks about Bruce Willis and how Bruce Willis could party his balls off, have a great fucking time, but turn it off at the end of the night and go, I'm going to bed, and then get up and go to work and get shit done. He was like, I wish I had that. I was like, I got more than that. I love the party. I want the party to never end. I don't sit in my bed going, I want more. I just go, I'm going to bed. Matthew Perry could not go to bed. He was just like... I mean, dude, that book is so... It is such a great... He is so fucking honest and vulnerable in it that it breaks your heart when you find out that he did pass, especially with, I don't know what the toxicology port was, but it said that it wasn't anything. My point is- It.

Wasn't anything?

It wasn't anything. It was that his body had given up. His body had just gone through.

So much. I think he did a lot of exercise that day, right?

He went and played pickleball. Yeah, but I mean, he was-He loved pickleball. He was a great tennis player.

But that-It's so wild, too. This is like a real superficial thing, but the way abuse of drugs and alcohol just destroys the way someone's… He was this handsome guy. He was a handsome guy. You saw the way the body just falls apart.

It just falls apart. You don't even realize it. I just showed you that picture of me from Fully Loaded when I was 275. You don't realize. I was telling you I felt good. I looked good. I was happy with my body. You don't even realize it. You don't even realize you're red in every interview you do. People pointed out online and you go, Fuck you. You want me to get hair and makeup before I do a podcast? I can get hair and makeup. People get hair and makeup. You don't even know. Roby goes to three hours of hair and makeup before he does podcast. I didn't-Every day, every day. We're going to go back to running, but Sean McCowen from The Pogues passed away recently. Were you a fan of The Pogues? I know your wife probably was. They were an Irish punk band, but they sang old Irish songs. He was epic, one of Johnny Depp's best friends, a legend. He didn't have the best teeth.

Didn't have the best?

He had pretty rough teeth. He had pretty rough teeth. At the end, he lost all his teeth.

He was a big drug user?

Big drug user, big drinker.

Fuck, that's his mouth?

Yeah. He was great. He's one of the best Christmas songs in the world or by The Pogues. Really? Yeah, they won't play it because they use the F-word in it. The girl calls him in the song, but it's the best Christmas song I would argue. It's my favorite Christmas song. Now go to pictures of Sean McCowen right before he passed, and it's heartbreaking. But that's the thing. No, you got to look at him.

Yeah, no.

That's- But that's what it does. Ultimately, that's what it does. One day you wake up and you go, I did this to myself. I did this to myself. That's the thing. Only you can answer this in your head if you're dealing with stuff, but if you can... I never want to be there. I never want to be there. I was there in Bali, where I thought I drank the whole fucking flight to Asia. We did got the hotel rooms in the airport in Japan and got a bottle of wine, went into there, had a bottle of wine in the hotel room, slept, poured a bottle of wine in my thermos, drank it on the flight into Bali, get to Bali, get fucking wasted at Bali because it's daytime. Drink all day long, wake up the next morning in a beautiful hotel, infinity pool. Girls want to go swimming and my leg's numb. I'm like, I did it. I did it to my... That panic that you feel-.

I've done something.

I did it. I did it. I did this to myself. You asked for it. You refused to listen to anyone. You wanted to do it your way and this is where you are. Then through the day, my legs started feeling better and I said, That's it. I'm going to run 5K a day. I'm going to run 5K a day. If there was a stroke, I'm going to fucking... It wasn't a stroke, it was sciatic. But I did a 5K a day. That's when I started really... I started all through Australia because I did an Australian tour, 5K a day, every day for a very long time. That's when I was getting my times down. My 5K time was 26 minutes, I think was the last 5K I did. It's good. It's not great, but I did it try to. No, that's great. I thought it was a beer crawl 5K. We had four beers before it started, and then it was just a 5K out.

Of the. But right now, though, you think you can get down to seven-minute mile?

I think so. I have a different body than I did. When I was running, my body was really like... My shoulders were a coat hanger.

Yeah, but the thing about great distance runners, I'm saying even though a mile is not considered distance-distance, but it's really about they're all lean.

Yeah, they're.

Very lean. The guys at the top times at this 5K, they were 15 minutes, 16 minutes, and you're like, What? But those guys, I saw them because I saw them on the approach as we were hitting mile one, we saw them because it was all outside on streets. I didn't realize that when we saw them coming.

Back- They run back.

They were running back. They were at two and a half miles about to finish. We were on the approach of Mile 1 and we were like, What the fuck? But they all were 140, 150 pounds.

You got to be like, 130 pounds to run.

They were super lean guys. Yeah.

The real fun race is a half marathon. That's the best. Marathons suck dicks. Half marathon is the shit. We should put on a 5K, a two-bearers 5K.

5k.

Would be dope. Yeah, 5K, and then make it fun. Have a big party afterwards. Oh, I know when we could do it. We could do it in March. By March. It's a great time to run. Springtime. It's beautiful. It's beautiful out. No allergies.

Everyone's out there. Actually, the Thanksgiving Day one was super fun.

Those turkey trots are awesome.

Yeah, 7:00 AM, and it's cool out, but it's not cold.

It was nice. When I ran the L. A. Marathon, I did not train for it, and I told everyone I didn't train for it. I remember. But the one thing I did is I knew marathons. I knew the one mistake you did not want to do is have to take a shit in a marathon. Yeah, it's right out the gate lines for the bathroom. As soon as they start running, everyone's got to shit, and that's ruin their time. You already shit. I shit aggressively. I ate a banana. I walked when I needed to walk. I ran when I could.

Wait, if you went outside right now and ran one mile, what do you think your time would be for one mile?

If I pushed it?

Yeah.

I could probably, and I only say this because I jogged a little bit on the tribunal today, I could probably bang out if I pushed it an eight and a half minute mile.

Okay.

I think if I pushed it. But I'm also in... I don't know if I've run... I've been doing a lot of and stuff like that. I think my legs are probably stronger even than when I ran.

Yeah, but it's a different.

Thing, right? It's a.

Different beast. Runners legs.

Are different than- Runners legs are totally different. It's a lot about your body movement. You get comfortable, your body gets muscles in your body. The first time you run, you feel pain in places you don't.

Normally feel it. Who are the best running comics you think? Well, obviously Michelle.

Is up there. Michelle's probably got to be number one. She runs like she's running from something, for real. Like she runs in dangerous neighborhoods. She runs 12 miles every day.

Yeah, so she's a real runner.

Real runner. When we did that challenge, I would text with her back and forth. I had to push to get to 1,000 miles that year. She did two. Yeah, she did easy. That's a different... You got to have a different mindset to be a runner. My dad was a real runner, would run three-hour marathons. Really? Yeah, my dad was legit. When he run, he doesn't run anymore. He's got a broken hip. But when he ran, it was actually pretty beautiful. He had a great stride, very relaxed. I used to have to go in and be his guide to follow him through the marathons.

Did you see what that motherfucker that just hit the new world record did?

No.

His pace for 26 miles was 4.38 for the marathon. The guy kept it for 26 miles. I bet he's.

Boring as fuck.

Yeah.

You know. I mean, you think if you think think about, let's take Michelle out of this equation.

What.

Brain do you have?

You definitely go somewhere else. You definitely check out somewhere.

What do you think Kim Haynes thinks about when he runs?

Just fucking Elk. I don't know.

It's a good question. Let's call him.

Okay.

Kim Haynes is the best.

Fucking running shoes. He's going to give an inspiring answer.

I'm already upset about that. I want a broken answer out of Kim. Yeah, I know. I'm getting a broken fucking Cameron Haynes. I know.

Like, All the pussy I left on the table or something like that. Yeah, that'd be what we.

Want to hear. Facetime Cam Haynes. How many men do you think? So aggressive. How many men do you think FaceTime?

Such a thing. He's probably on a run right now.

He just released a new shoe that is my favorite shoe I've ever put on. Really? Yeah, it's got Cam Haynes. Hey, what's up? Hey, we're doing Two Bear is One Cave.

What's up, Cam? Oh, nice. Hey, Tom. How are.

You doing, man? We're talking running right now. I got to give a shout out to your shoes real quick. Can you tell everyone to get them? Because I'll tell you what I love and I hate about your shoes, okay? You can't slide them off your foot when you're done working out because of the locks. But that's what I love about your shoes, is your foot is fucking in there.

They stay put.

Don't they? They stay fucking put. You got to send Tommy a pair.

Please.

I will.

What size are you, Tom? Ten and a half.

All right. That's a power size. That's like big, dick, energy size.

There you go. You should see what I'm packing.

Hey, Cam, we're talking about running. First question, what do you think about when you run?

Yeah, what's going on in your mind for real when you're on one of your casual afternoon 20-mile runs?

Well, I mean, this is guaranteed every time I put on Two Bear's One Cave podcast.

And.

I just feel like a superhero. It's crazy. You guys, your.

Voice is- Wait, do you feel like a superhero because you're like, I'm not like these two fucking slobs?

I don't know. I just love getting out of the fresh air. I like when mud splashes up. I just like being.

On the mountains. Okay, I think I asked you this once and you told me, because I've heard this from other real runners, hardest mile for people that run really like you do is mile one, right? Yeah. Does your mind go into... I guess you don't have the problem of like, Oh, this is hard. You're in incredible shape. But do you get into a meditative state or do you actually focus in on something? Or is it almost like there's nothing? You know what I mean? Like nothing's going on.

The older I get, it's more than just that mile. The first mile is rough when you first start when you're young. Now it's like the first few miles, my body is stiff. But once I get going and get the juices flowing, so to speak, and you can just run. Some days you feel great, some days it's a struggle the whole time. But when you can get in that groove and run and you feel strong, there's no greater feeling. That's a fleeting feeling, but that's why you keep going because you remember that one special run. It doesn't happen every time.

But that's the goal. If someone real quick, takes out and doesn't edit and changes the word running to drinking, I feel the same fucking way. Sometimes that first drink is tough to get down. But then by that third drink, you're like, I know this guy. I could do this all fucking day long. Do you have a hard time putting it down?

That's a great life lesson right there. It's like if you don't want to drink, you just got to keep powering through.

There you go. Did you run yesterday?

Of course, yeah, I did. Is what did you run? That was the one I put up on the... I talked to my wife and they're like, Hey, I'm going to jump over you and I jump on this monument. Then I landed on her head.

Nice. Well, she'll remember that.

We did get the run in.

How far did you run yesterday?

God, I didn't even look, but I would say.

I.

Did two summits, probably 10 miles with 2,000 foot gain summits on the.

Mountain I run. Oh, we had a similar day.

If we do a two-far as 5k, would you come out and be a part of it? Do you still do your thing?

Yeah. Sometimes I have get-togethers and we do a run. I had one here last summer, a lift-run-shoot event. But no, I would be there. I'd love to- Yeah, you could do our- I could participate.

You could do our 5k and then you could go on a real run. It would be fun.

Hey, three miles is a win. There you go. -for anybody. That's a good day.

All right. We would love for you to take Tom and I bow hunting.

Let's do it. I got Huberman and Bow, and he lives down there by you guys. I know you and him are brothers.

Right, Tom? We're cousins. He has multiple homes. That podcast does pretty well.

Yeah. But anyway, I'm going to come down there and shoot with him. I could bring you guys, Bowes, and we could just make it a big, Bow hunting orgy.

All right, let's do it. I am deadly with a bow, Cam.

I'm sure. I mean, that goes without saying.

Yeah, we need to carry our meat out. But if you can bring your sons and they'll pack our meat- Yeah. Whatever we kill- That sounds weird.

Whatever we kill, we just hand over to your boys and we're like, All right, guys, you're young. You carry it out. We'll just do that.

Yeah. We love working and getting the kills out of the woods, so.

That'd be great. We would love to do a Run, shoot, kill episode with you, me and Tom. But I want your boys there too. I want to do pullups. I want to do everything.

All right. Let's make it happen. We'll make it a.

Full event. Hey, real quick. Tell everyone where they can get your shoes because I really do love your shoes.

Oh, yeah. There's a link. You gave a little shout out to me that I should have a link and I didn't on my Instagram, but there is the link on my Instagram now, but it's just speedland. Com.

That's awesome. I can't wait to try these shoes out. Thank you for answering Bert's super aggressive FaceTime to people at fucking 9:00 in the morning.

No, it was good. I saw the FaceTime coming in. I'm like, Holy shit, Bert's calling me. This is.

Pretty exciting. Legends answer. Legends.

I will need your address, Tom, unless I could just put Tom Seguira, California, make.

It to you. Yeah, I'll text you my address.

Hey, how fast do you run a mile, Cam? What's your average mile time?

What's your one mile? If you were just running one-If you.

Wanted to throw up a good time for a mile, what do you think you could bang out a mile? Loose, in shape. What do you think you'd bang out a mile in?

God, I'm old.

Yeah, not and sloppy like you are now. If you were in shape, what could you-.

Well, let's see. Anything close to a five-minute mile is fast. A few years ago, I did, I think, a 5.13 which is weird because I've also done a 10K where I can hold a 5.42 pace for six miles. I'm not that fast, a four-minute mile or anything like that, but I can sustain a decent pace for.

A while. I just had a brilliant idea. We're putting together the perfect running event for two bears. I'm going to hit you up. I'd love for you to be a part of it. Tom's going to do a 5K. I'm going to do a half marathon, and then we should get you to do the marathon. Everyone can go out at different paces with their different heroes. We'll get Logan.

Oh, yeah. No, Logan did a 5K. I think that's the furthest he's ever run. He came down to Vegas and did the keep hemorrhing 5K maybe eight years ago. He's done a 5K himself.

All right, we'll get him back out there then.

Cam, thank you. I hate to say this, my shoulders are trembling from holding the phone.

You got to push through the pain. That's where.

The gains happen. That's where the gains happen. I'll talk to you later about the benefits of outdoor showering, and I'll talk to you later.

Okay, take care. Have a good day, guys. Later.

I love that it went-.

I had a holding on a fart. My arms are trembling. I couldn't lower the phone because I'm fucking on a man. Did you shit your pants? No, I didn't. Hey, would someone grab me a diet soda? I'm looking for something, a sweet treat. Got you. Cam Haynes has the brain where you can just shut it off.

Yeah, he does.

He didn't read comments. He didn't read No way. I don't care what anyone thinks about him. No, no, no. That's the beautiful part is you do get to that place where when I ran the half marathon, my pace for the last six miles was eight something because I was just like, I want to get this over with. My heart rate was through the fucking roof. But the best part is the party afterwards. That's what I'm going to focus on.

Well, yeah, I think you should be in charge of the.

Party afterwards. I'll be in charge of the party. You'll run a 5K. Find out the distances. I think you can get.

A 5K. You don't want to have, by the way, it should just be one distance.

For everyone. For everyone? Yeah, for sure. Okay, and we should give prizes?

You.

Can, sure. We'll stagger different prizes. Open to the public? Open to the public, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, here's the.

Thing about the 5K. We're going to have the Clydesdale's edition.

The 5K is the most accessible. Your elite people want to do it in really crazy times. Some people honestly walk a 5K, but it's doable. It's the one that's the most fun and accessible.

Clydesdale, the Clydesdale division from triathlons, can you go to Clydesdale division?

Clydesdale division?

It's for fat guys. Really? Thank you so much. When I did the triathlon, I walked up and guy goes, Clydesdale? And I went, It is a horse also, guys. I was like, What? And he goes, Clydesdale? I was like, No, I'm just doing the triath. He goes, No, for the fat guys, Clydesdale. I was like, I'm not that fat. He goes, You're Clydesdale. I was like, I guess anything over divisions, what is the Clydesdale and the triathlon? Let's see what it is. In the drop-down.

Oh.

Anyone always- Anyone over 220? We need to have the cardiac arrest division.

You can choose to race as a Clydesdale or not.

Wow. Yeah. And so that.

Way- I think this fan base is like it's almost all Claysdale.

Dude, that's our whole goal this year. Listen, here's the deal. Tom and I can work as hard as we want on stand-up and present specials and keep doing specials and do movies, we can do that. But if you're not there to buy tickets to that, it is fruitless. We love you guys, and we want you to be healthy. Tom started this journey when he realized he couldn't jump anymore, and he blew out his arm and exploded his knee. His journey led everyone else on this journey. We always want to bring back Fat Tom. The only way we can do that is for us to get skinnier than him. If we want to bring back fat Tom, we need to polarize, we need to activate our group to get healthy. It starts with our 5K. We want all the fans to.

Show up. If you guys all are going to do the 5K, then Tom will be fat, Tom.

Yeah, guys, let's start training. That's our New Year's resolution.

There you go. That's our.

New Year's resolution. This is the fucking greatest show.

On the Yeah.

That's our New Year's resolution. 5k. 5k by May. 5k by May. Let's get ready for it. Let's train for it. Put up your weights right now. I want shirtless, aggressive pictures in your underwear in front of the mirror. I want to see all the shit that's on your counter. I want to see everything. Post those. Post those and tag me and Tom and them. Tom and I are going to tag our fattest photos, and you guys can help us with those.

The one I.

Just showed you? Oh, my God. When you were saying you were 250, but we're like, That's a little more. Was that in kilograms?

No, that was how fat is that? That's so fat. You're all right?

I needed it.

You don't want a regular Coke? Uh-uh.

We get your fattest, and do one of your wife.

Fattest photo of her?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get her involved because if your wife gets healthy, you get healthy. That's the truth. We'll do 5K, we'll do it in May. 5k by May. Everyone can get ready for it. But today's January first. Stop what you're doing. Don't listen to the whole episode. Listen to the ads too. But go to the camera right now and take a picture of yourself. Trust me when I say this, eat as much as you want before you take this picture. You want the fattest picture of you before you lose weight. Because one day you'll lose weight and you wish you had a disgusting picture of you to post. That's true. That is true. Get as fat as you fucking eat like a lunatic today. Go hard as fuck.

And take those photos. I want to see your tits.

Get bagels right now. Get bagels right now. Start drinking. Start drinking.

Cream cheese, bacon. Fuck.

You need a breakfast sandwich.

You're making me salivate. A bagel with cream cheese, a fried egg, and bacon, and then the yoke pops on, is drizzling all over it.

Let me tell you what you should do.

I'm looking at these May dates.

We can put this in May. Yeah, let's do it. Let's do a 5K in May. Two bears, 5K in May, all day, every day. We need a slogan that people can shout out as they run. Let's activate our fans to get healthier. We've been on a journey. Let's share it and listen. Slide in our DMs. We'll hit you up. We'll keep you motivated. It's the best thing, and share it on social media. There's nothing more fun than watching someone's journey. I know that they probably make you crazy, but have you ever seen the really fat chicks who they're like, This is me? Then you're like, This isn't going to happen. Then all of a sudden, she's a fucking dime. That happens all the time online.

All right. Then are you going to set.

A goal? I'm setting a goal. I'm setting a goal. Goal time? I'm setting a goal time. All right, let's be irrational.

That's what you're best at.

Yep. So type in what the average 5K time is. Our wives are going to run it? Your kids will smoke it. Your kids will fly through a 5K.

Kids actually do. I ran with kids.

Oh, did you? They fly.

They have no pain. There was kids. Yeah, my nephew and my friend's son, they're 10, 11, they flew through the thing. Okay, here we go. Let's go mine, 45. 45, beginner, 34, novice, 28, intermediate, 24. Scroll back up so I can see what the titles are. Advanced, 21, elite, 19, world record, 14. Fucking A. So, Bert, you're 50. So intermediate would be 20... What is that?

Five? Twenty-six.

Twenty-five, thirty-six. Twenty-five, thirty-six. Advanced would be 22.

All right, so let's do this. I got to beat intermediate.

Intermediate is a.

Good goal. What's 25 divided by three? Oh, it's like eight minute miles. Yeah. Eight minute, 33, so I can do it. You can do it? Yeah, I can do it. All right, I can do it. I'm going to run sub 25 minute... Fuck, that's hard. That's hard. How are you going to run a sub-26? Yeah, that's-I'm going to run sub 26, 5K. I'm going to run sub 26, 5K, and then what are you going to run?

Go back to the thing.

Do we get Michelle Wolf out here?

My intermediate would be 2,438.

That's really fast, Tom.

That's eight and change, though. It's basically the same. Jesus. I mean, you can train. That's the thing. You have fucking five months to train. You could get as, you know. If you actually put the training in, you.

Can do it. Yeah, we can train for this. It's going to be great. We're going to have so much fun and think of the party afterwards. I can throw a fucking party. I can throw a.

Fucking party. What city are we going to do this in?

We should do it downhill. Where are most of our fans? Should we go to them and organize it there? Or should we have them come to here?

You could pick any city and do this. You could probably do it here. Downtown, they would.

Close stuff off. Yeah, but it's hillier.

Downtown's flat. You want it to be flat, dude.

All right, we'll figure out a place. Bet there's a lot that goes into this.

What?

Fucking organizing them.

We're not going to be in charge of that part. Yeah, we are.

No, we will- We'll just pick a 5K.

No, I'm saying we can work with somebody to be like, Okay, you make this happen. We're not going to be making the phone.

Calls to- Yeah, we'll work with someone to make it happen. We'll have it, and Tom and I are going to run sub-26, 5Ks.

Yeah, that'd be the goal.

Tom and I are going to run sub-26, 5K. For every second, we don't get over 5K or over 26.

Anything over 26?

We got to donate $1,000. Okay.

I know that's going to make you run a fucking 23. You're going to be like, Fuck these charities. I ran a 20. They give me money.

Let's see if we can get Michelle Wolf to do it.

Do you think she'll do it?

Fuck yeah.

This is so insane.

It's an aggressive FaceTime.

It's so aggressive. It's really such an aggressive move.

No answer for Michelle Wolf. Guess it's time to trash her online, everybody.

Who else besides her, though? There's got to be a couple other... Who else is a runner that we... Like in comedy? Anybody else do that? It's like...

Eddie Izzard, Kristen Izzard.

I've fucked up.

Oh, Kristen Shaw. Kristen Shaw is a runner?

She's funny.

Talking, running on Two Bears. Facetime me.

Is that Michelle? Yeah. Yeah, she's like, What the fuck are you FaceTime me for?

I just want to let you know, I'm at 19... Right now currently, I think she's at 1992 miles.

I thought you were about 19 minutes for the five guys. I was like, Oh, my God. No.

Michelle Wolf, baby. I was running. What's that?

What.

If I.

Was running right now?

I thought. Hey, I'm sitting here.

With Tommy. Hi, Michelle. Hey, Tom. How are you? Good. How are you doing? Hey, great job- How are you? Great job on The Daily Show.

Thanks, thanks. Fantastic new special, Michelle. Thank you.

How are you?

How are you, guys? What's going on? We're talking running. Where are you right now? I'm in Europe. I just got to Europe. Are you going through customs?

You what? Nothing.

I'm just.

On the street...

We're doing a two-bearers 5K in May, and we want you to be a part of it. Cam Haynes is going to do it. Tom and I are going to run sub 26-minute 5Ks. All right. And we want you to be a part of it. What do you think you can run a 5K in? Oh, my gosh. I think I could do like $24, $25. Great. Nice. Perfect.

Anytime that any of us get over that amount, we donate a hundred grand to a charity. You're cool. You're in, right? I think.

You guys.

Make.

More money than me.

No, but we would love for you to do it.

We would love for you to do it. Do you think you could be in the States in May? Yeah, I was planning to be there for some shows anyway, so let me know the dates and we can coordinate. Are you doing it in L. A? We don't know where we're going to do it yet. We're probably- Yeah, we're trying to pick the city. We're trying to pick city. We're just organizing it now, but we're trying to activate people for New Year's to get ready for a 5K. That's awesome.

I love that. Awesome. Are you in Jerusalem?

I'm a long runner. I'm not a fast.

Runner, but I could get my shit together for a 5K. Fuck yes. Nice. Fuck yes. Hey, congratulations on everything.

Congrats.

Michelle. Thanks. I'm still trying to get back into running, like post-baby.

You see a.

Lot more. Everyone should know that.

Yes.

I shit my pants a lot. You know what?

We're all struggling in.

Our own ways. Well, go enjoy Europe. Enjoy Zanzibar or wherever the fuck you are.

You should line the whole route with a porta potty.

We're going to have a big party afterwards. We're going to get fucking wasted afterwards. Right. That sounds awesome.

I miss you guys. I can't wait for this. I love this idea. Let's do it. Awesome. All right. Love you, Michelle. Take care. Enjoy the baby. Love you guys.

Talk to you soon. All right. Thank you, Michelle. Now, okay, here's the thing. Yes. This is what we got to think about. We just brought in two people that are game because it is their background. The real thing right now, who can we convert to commit that is not ready for this?

Ladies and gentlemen, speed dial.

There's got to be somebody who we're like, You need this, basically. We want to help you.

Let's see if they answer. Oh, boy. This is not a FaceTime answer.

No?

No.

I can't see who it is.

Hello?

Shane Gillis. What's up, Shane?

Hey, we're on Two Bear's 1K with Tommy.

How you doing, man?

What's up, guys?

What are we staring at? What is this?

Oh, shit. You're the face timing? Yeah. I'm in the car.

It's so aggressive.

It's Bert's favorite move. I like face timing. Can you see me now?

No.

No.

Video.

Camera. I mean, Shane is fucking boomer. He doesn't know how.

This works. I'm in my car connected to my.

Fucking car. Oh, that's why. That's why.

Well, we just need your voice. Hey, Shane, Tom and I are organizing a 5K for May. No. Fucking no chance.

That's exactly what we needed, dude.

Shane, please.

For every- Shane, Shane. Shane, let's train together for it here.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Come on.

Yeah, what are you fucking talking about?

We'll just start with a mile and we'll just progress.

For what?

Three days a week.

You think I'm going to go running.

Three days a week?

Yes. Why? Give me your address. I'll come over.

You're going to come over and we're going to run together?

Yeah, for a mile. It'll be fine. It'll be over in six minutes.

Okay, quit. Yeah, true. I'll just quit. Why? What's the point of this? Michelle Wolfson, Cam Haynes is in, Tom and I are activating our fans. We're all going to get healthy this year and we're going to run a 5K in May. You got plenty of time to train and Tom and I are setting records for ourselves.

There's a beer drinking contest at the end.

There's a huge party at the end. We're throwing a huge party at the end. It's going to be fucking wild. We're FaceTime with Logan in a second. You know.

He's doing it. Bert said you were a bitch and can't really drink that much. I was like, Let's see what he says.

Look, yeah, you guys, I'm definitely in. Shane, commit to it. Listen, commit to it. I'm telling you, it'll be so fucking fun. We'll have a fucking blast. You can walk and talk to all the fat chicks, and then get done and we'll have a fucking huge party at the end. Yeah.

Shane?

Just say yes. Just say yes. Yes. You're in?

Yes. Text me your address.

All right, Shane Gillis is in, everybody. I mean, there's no shot, but all right, yeah, have fun, boy. All right, Shane Gillis. We've got a soft commit from Shane Gillis.

Shane's in, everybody.

All right. All right, we love you, Shane. I'll talk to you later. I love you. Love you, guys. All right, we got Shane Gillis in.

That's such a knock on it.

Dude, he'll be in. We'll get... It's going to be a huge fucking event. Everyone you get to meet your favorite comics, you get to run next to them, ask Shane all the questions you want to.

Ask him. You get to beat them?

We're going to sell shirts saying, I beat Shane Gillis in a 5K.

There, it's happening.

It's happening. We're going to say, I beat Tom Scourge's shirts. I beat Bert Christ's shirts. I beat Shane Gillis. Then there's going to be Cam Hain whipped my ass.

Does Norman run? He seems like... Well, he's... I know he does push-ups and pull-ups every day like a lunatic.

He's sneaky. You know what he did back stage one time? It was me and a bunch of pro-athletes.

He told me his thing and I was like, What the fuck? He said he knocks out. Did he do 50 pull-ups in.

A row? Yeah, and he does pushups. I'm fully loaded. He does pushups where his feet are on the cooler. He'll do pushups. He then get off his hands, throw his feet on the cooler, and start going knees to elbow doing those.

That's impressive. But does he run?

We're about to find out. We should have more technology than just this.

I think we could probably set this up if you gave us a heads up.

That's the beauty of this show. I love that right now, fans are going, I'm fucking doing it. There he is. Martin Norman, everybody. You're on Two Bearers 1k with Tom Seger and.

Bert Christer. Praise a lot. What's up you homo?

Hey, we're organizing an event this May. We're doing a 5k. Shane Gillis is in, Michelle Wolf is in, Cam Haynes is in and Tom and I are doing it. There's going to be a huge party afterwards. We want to know, do we have a hard commit from Mark Norman?

Wait.

A.

Minute.

Shane Gillis is.

Going to run?

I'll be honest, it was a bit of a hard sell, but he gave us a half-ass commit. But we figured like, well, Norman, he takes care of himself.

Yeah. How many pushups can you do in a row?

Hey, I got about 88.

Yeah, I'm in.

Why the.

Hell not?

But.

I only do Tim Dillon does it. I want to see.

That bad, homo jog.

All right. Tim, we got to call Tim. We got to call Tim Dylan. Okay. All right, you're in? Will you do it, Mark? I'm in, baby.

Okay, he's in. He's in. We got a hard commit. All right, Mark, I love you. I'll talk to you later. All right, we're coming.

Tim is going to be like, Go fuck yourself. Should I call him?

You call him. Okay. Facetime. So FaceTime. Yeah, but I don't answer your FaceTime. I don't think it's an emergency.

Actually, he probably will. He'll be like.

What the fuck are you doing? Tim Dylan, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Cam.

Haynes.

Michelle Wolf.

He's awake, right? Actually, I don't know where. He has seven homes.

Chances are he's not awake. Okay. He's going to be making it. I'll buy another house for a habitat of humanity if he's in the gym. No, no, no, no, I was just joking. Should I FaceTime him? Facetime him.

That's how you do it. By the way, this is so uncomfortable for me.

Just FaceTime him and face it to me. Yeah. This will turn him on. He's definitely answering your FaceTime.

I don't think so. Yeah, he will.

You're a different FaceTime than me. My FaceTimes are like, Oh, fuck. He's still up. I got to hammer him with the FaceTime if he.

Doesn't answer. He's not going to answer.

He thinks it's an ass style from you. Don't worry. I've got Tim Dylan on speed dial.

All right.

Steakhouse. A beefsteak Tim. A beefsteak?

That's what you have them saved as?

Yeah. Which new number do you have? Should we get Potter?

Let's call Potter.

Putting in another Zin. Maybe I got to get off Zins before I start running.

Why? I ran with one in. Oh, for real? Yeah. It's on.

Hello. Tim Dylan. It's Bert Christer and Tom Seguro. We're on Two Bear's One Cave. Hi, guys. How are you? We are fantastic.

Hey, what the fuck, man? What? I just called you.

Oh, I didn't see that you called me. My phone's in my pocket. I'm sorry.

I would have picked up. I thought you would have picked up mine over fucking Bert's.

I would have picked up both of yours. Anytime I see a white.

Successful.

Person, I'm on that green.

Always. Hey, Bert, I have a question.

For you. Hey, Tim. Yes, Bert. Hey, Tim. Tom and I are organizing a 5K in May. Yes. We have Shane Gillis in, Mark Norman in, Michelle Wolf in, Cam Haynes in. Tom and I are doing it, and we're setting a pace at 26 minutes for us. Every second we go over, we're donating a thousand- I'll do it. I'll do it. We have till May. Yes. We have to May, Tim. Yeah, I'll do it. Fuck yes. Tim. Tim Dillon's in, baby.

Tim, you.

Start- What is this for? Is this a benefit or something?

Yeah, sure. Start three days a week. Just start walking, then you pace it up. But it'll be in May. We haven't picked a city yet, but we'll pick a good city, and then we're going to throw a big party at the end. Yeah, I'll do it.

Yeah.

Baby. Tim Dillon's in. Tim Dillon's in.

Tim, you are the fucking goat. You are the best. I'll do.

It for sure.

All right, guys.

Thank.

You.

Very much. Hey, thank you so much.

So nice.

Hey, I'm in town next week. I want to go off stakes. Let's go. Let me know. Okay. I love you, Tim. All right, brother.

All right. I love you, too. Bye-bye. Bye.

Fucking hey. Who else do we want? Who else do we want, Tommy? Who else do we want? I mean, the sky is the fucking limit.

Yeah. That's true.

Everyone that we've asked is committed.

You know who could also, big guy, could use motivation like this?

Fluffy?

Fluffy? Stavi?

Stavi. Stavi's in. I think so. See if he answers your FaceTime and.

The see. Actually, don't think he will.

Stavi's got a new special out on Netflix, everybody. Stavi. Stavi's in. You know Stavi's in.

I think everybody that I FaceTime is like, There's no way this is.

Real Stavy's in. You know Stavy's in. God damn it. This is going to be so much fucking fun. Take your fat pictures now. Take them right now. Eat like a fucking lunatic.

By the way, when he doesn't answer, you call him right back and he's going to answer. I got another one.

All right, well, face time, Stoby.

Okay, come on, Stoby.

Stoby, baby. Stoby, baby. This is just us preliminary calling people. Imagine when we go deep, this is going to be the funniest fucking 5K anyone's ever been to. What if we change 5Ks? What if this is our new future? We just put on 5Ks? We don't have to do stand-up shows. What if we might as well do a stand-up show that night. We've got the best comics in the fucking world.

Actually, that's probably a good idea. Yeah. I don't think he's going to answer. I know he's not.

Up, but look. Doing two bears with Tom, FaceTime me.

Look. It's not even worth FaceTimeing, right? Like, he's not going to answer. Should I do it anyway?

Yeah.

Fucking. There's a 0.0 % chance.

0.0 % chance. 0 % chance.

But it's just this way he'll see and.

He'll be like, the fuck is... You just can't invite him sometimes. Guys, stop. He's calling me back. Hang up on the... Stavros.

What's up, fellas? What's up, buddy?

I'm on the plane. Oh, he's on a plane. We're on Two Bear's One Cave. Hey listen. Oh, hell yeah. I know you. I know you better than anyone knows you, Stavi. I know you intimately. I don't even have to ask this question, but I'm going to ask for formality. Okay. In May, Tom and I are putting on a 5K. Tim Dylan, Mark Norman, Shane Gillis, Cam Haynes, and Michelle Wolf are all committed. Stavros, do we have a firm commit for you to start training right now for a 5K in May?

Wow. Listen, I don't know about right now. A couple of weeks? Yeah, yeah. I'm in.

But it's in May. It's in May. It's in May. It's in May, Stobb. You have time to get ready for it? You know what? This is good. This is good.

Because I.

Was telling Tom, too, when.

I was... When I was in that chair.

I want to get.

Back in the zone. I'm going to be healthy, so.

Fuck it, I'm in.

Yeah, baby. Stabi is in. I knew it. I fucking knew it. Stabi, we're going to throw a huge fucking party afterwards. It's going to be a fucking blast. I'm so glad I knew I could believe in you. This is why you are the best comic in the country. Congrats on the new.

Special, Stabi. Congrats on the special, Stabi. He's cutting out. I could.

Be on something's burning. Yeah, yes. But I'm going to fucking leave L. A. Before I think you're back.

But I'm in. I can't wait. All right. Fuck yeah.

Stavros is in. Stavros. All right, have a safe flight. I love you.

Love you too, guys. All right, see you, bro.

Fuck yeah.

This is a.

Fucking bangers list. This is good. This is a bangers list. This guy.

There's no way. Try it again.

Try it again.

Here's the thing. It's not even registering on his... And also, is there any chance to convince him? He's going to be the hardest no of all.

If you could get it to be a video game that he played.

Yeah, right now it's 9:50.

There's not a chance in hell. No, he's in- I bet his phone's on.

Him in his room. He's in rem sleep right now.

He just went.

To bed. Yeah, like an hour ago. Yeah, there's just no point.

Why doesn't anyone want to answer your FaceTime calls?

I don't know. Ask the staff. I would answer your FaceTime, Tom. Thank you.

Yeah, he pays you. Well- You have to answer.

His FaceTime. No, he doesn't. It's true, but I would even if he didn't.

It would be a scary cult to get.

It.

Would be.

I would think.

I was getting fired, but I know-I mean, we've got the biggest names in comedy and the biggest people to follow online that would be fun watching them train for the 5K. All tagable. Tag everyone we've mentioned when you post your before picture right now.

By the way, you know what Christina would say if I asked her to answer to this? Oh, fuck off.

I'm going to say the same thing. I don't run. I don't run. I had run when I was a little girl. I ain't running no more.

I don't.

Take cold showers. I don't sleep in snakes, and I don't run.

Who else?

I know there's got to be someone we're forgetting, someone who this, we're jump starting the best year of.

Their lives. Who do you guys think? Are you guys thinking of anyone? We might be blanking.

Do you want to call Regan?

Not to you. Not to you. You FaceTime him. No. My FaceTime is aggressive. Regan would be great, but then once you... Listen, as a friend, I want to invite him. But once you invite him, it becomes Joe. Yeah, that's the thing. I don't want Joe to have to feel like the pressure that he has to show up. If Joe shows up, fucking everyone shows up.

It puts too much pressure.

On him. I'll tell you what, we will text him. I want him to be there because I love Joe.

It's better that he's like a surprise.

He's a surprise guest. Because if we do it right now, then all of a sudden, we won't be able to manage this 5K. Right now, the names we have are big, but they're not like, Rowgan. Yeah. We need a black comic.

I was about to say the same thing.

Yeah. You know the big ones, Dave Chappell?

He doesn't want to do a 5K. He smokes like three packs a day.

He's in great shape.

Okay.

Brian Simpson? It's an aggressive FaceTime.

That's an aggressive FaceTime.

Facetime, Chappell? Yeah.

You're going to FaceTime him?

Yeah, I've only talked to him once. I mean, what's the worst guy I'm going to tell him is a pocket dial. Why do I have him saved under a Dave, you bell. All right.

Go for it. Holy shit.

If Chappell goes, it's going to be fucking huge and the party's going to be fucking insane.

Hey, man. Anybody got a cigarette?

He loves Michelle Wolf.

Yeah?

I don't think he's going to answer my FaceTime. He's probably going, Whose fucking number is this? This is the wrong FaceTime.

He's probably just like, Somebody give me a new phone.

I should have told him I'm a FaceTime at first. Yeah, and.

That you're on a podcast doing it? Hang up, dude.

Oh, yeah, this is a bad idea. This is a bad idea. I'm on a podcast. Hey, Dave, you're just a spokesman of a generation. Can you real quick hop on our podcast? He was not going to like that. That was a big mistake. That was a big mistake. All right, symptom- Do Chris Rock. No way. I did Dave Chappell do Chris Rock. I did Dave Chappell do Chris Rock. Do Chris Rock. No way. I did Dave Chappell Do Chris Rock. I did Dave Chappell Do Chris Rock. Do Chris Rock. I did Dave Chappell Do Chris Rock.

No, he would fucking hate it. Do Chris Rock.

No, he would hate that. Do Chris Rock. I'll give me the FaceTime.

No way, dude.

Give me his number off FaceTime. No.

Too.

Much respect. No, fuck off. I just did Dave Chappell. You have to do Chris Rock right now. It was a huge mistake. You have to do Chris Rock. I just did Dave Chappell.

It was a huge mistake.

That you did that. I know. Do Chris Rock. Everyone watching this is going, Tom, do Chris Rock. Tom, you all.

Your failures- Can I tell you something?

Okay.

First of all, it would end my relationship.

Why? Would you care? Do you talk to him?

No, I don't want him to fucking... No.

Okay, Chris Rock is no longer your buddy. What happens to your life? You still have me. Do you have Kevin Hart's number? If you have Kevin Hart's number, you have to FaceTime him right now. Or give me his phone number and I'll FaceTime. Here's the thing. I'll FaceTime Kevin Hart right now.

No, that's a fun one to do it for. I don't have.

Kevin Hart's number. Bullshit you don't have Kevin. I don't have. Oh, fucking shit.

I don't have Kevin Hart's number.

Bullshit, get me Kevin Hart's number. Get me Kevin to.

Heart's number. Here, I know who has it. Who? Okay, let me ask. Oh, here. For sure, this guy has it.

Kevin Hart's in. Kevin Hart's a runner, too. If Dave Chappell FaceTimes me back, I'm going to fucking shit my pants. Oh, God, I thought that was my phone.

Let's just see if we can get it.

Okay, I'll FaceTime Kevin Hart. I don't care.

Okay, I'll do it if we can get it. I think that this person is also going to be like, Are you crazy? No one's answering my FaceTimes.

Yeah, what the fuck, dude? You need to.

Re-assess- Here we go. Hey, what's up, man? God, you look sharp. We're on Two Bear's One Cave right now. Who is it? Asian Jeans.

Oh, yes.

Hey, so we're organizing a 5K in May, okay? Yeah, let's talk about it. Yeah, so we have some great commitments right now. Michelle Wolf is in, Tim Dylan is in, Mark Normand is in, Shane... Who else?

Shane Gillis, Stobros. Shane Gillis, Stobros.

We were wondering, do you think it's a good idea?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't ask him, you tell him.

Okay, we need to call because we know that he loves running and everything, Kevin Hart? Yeah, we could task Kevin Hart.

No, no, no, no. It's one step further.

Okay, what is it?

Can we get Kevin Hart's number?

Can we get his number?

I can get you Kevin Hart's number, yes.

Okay, awesome.

Okay, great. You go ahead and- Text.

It over.

-ask the Pentagon, and then if you don't mind sending it over, we would appreciate it. Is that cool? Do you want to participate? Would you like to run the 5K? Yeah, I want to run the 5K.

All right. Agents are in.

Agents are in. We haven't picked a city yet, but we're going to have a big party afterwards. It'll be a fun time. Okay. Please send over Kevin Hart's number when you get a chance. I will.

Okay. We have to FaceTime Louis now.

We have to FaceTime Louis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Thanks, buddy. Bye, guys. Bye.

You want me to FaceTime Louis? Sure.

Actually, he runs. He likes to run. I also feel like you should text him first. Nope. How do.

You spell Louis? It's not Louis Anderson. Louis CK. That was.

A deep breath. A little bit of panic in that?

Fuck, it's just Louis. He is a person.

Yeah, he's a person.

What are the odds he answers a FaceTime?

I think he would answer if you texted him. No. Okay.

That's not how FaceTime... Well, he sent it to a voicemail. Yeah. And he sent that to voicemail.

Do you want to text him now? Yeah. Okay.

Hey, brother, I'm doing a podcast with Tom. Facetime me if you have a chance.

That's not happening. He's going to be like, What?

Here's the thing. I think when I was younger, I mean this with respect, it would have been a scarier thing to do. But I know Louis, like I know him enough that we'll see if this text comes back. I know him enough to not to let... He knows that I'm the guy that FaceTimes. He's probably with his kids or something doing something like a real person does.

Can I tell you the big upside of this whole thing? Please. This is a great way to start the new year for everybody. This is a goal. Everybody listening or watching, you can think about the fact that we're going to do this in May.

In May. 5k in May all day. This is going to be fucking huge. By the way, we have soft commits from Chappell and Louis. Did you get Kevin Hart's number?

Not yet. I'm waiting. We have a few minutes.

Louis, radio silence. I'm watching, waiting for that bubble to come up with the dot.

Dot, dot. I don't think he's into this.

You don't think.

Louis will be into it? I don't think he's into like-.

Face timing out of nowhere?

Yeah, I think that's very much like he's probably like...

Yeah, but I think he's FaceTime me out of nowhere.

Really? Yeah. Facetime. Oh, no, no. He FaceTime you? Every time I have talked to him, he texts me first.

He goes, Hey, do you- You're right. I got a text. Do you have a minute to talk? I FaceTime and then texted him.

That's exactly what I suggested.

Yeah, I should have done that first.

Then also you're like, Hit me back on FaceTime if you have a second. He's probably like, What the.

Fuck are you talking about? Louis will be a legend if you FaceTime me. Well, you're already a legend. I guess you don't need this to cement your place in comedy history. Well, I've got some guy that called in to Two Bear's One Cave on a FaceTime.

That's Louis CK.

Legendary. Did you get Kevin Hart's number?

You just asked me? No.

What the fuck is he doing? He's Dragon ass.

He's probably asking right now... He's probably asking somebody else. Do you think Kevin will get very mad if I sent this text?

No FaceTime from Louis.

No. I suspect that there's no FaceTime.

Coming in. He's changed. He's not like us anymore. He's big time. Yeah. All right, so we FaceTime, Chappell, we FaceTime Louis.

We're waiting on heart.

I'm terrified of Chris Rock. I bet Chris Rock would do it. Actually, I take that back. I don't think he would do it. It didn't seem like a runner.

I don't think so.

Well, we got a great list already.

Yeah.

Especially if we're putting on a stand-up show, Kevin and those guys make it a little more difficult. They're going to be like, Hey, I-.

I got one. What? Bargatsy?

I'm going to FaceTime them.

You can FaceTime him? He might also be I.

Should definitely put.

On glasses. Does he run? He seems like he takes.

Care of himself. No, no, no, no. I don't think he plays golf.

I know that.

I think that's it.

That's it?

I don't think he... We can always find out.

Are you going to tell them that Chappell and Harder in? Yeah. Okay. Hey, man. Chappell and Harder doing this thing with us?

Nate Barclays. He's got to be on the golf course right now. For sure. Justin Timberlake and Jimmy Fallon. We should get them. Let's hope he's with his fucking... He said he's at an abortion protest.

God damn it. What about Machine Gun Kelly?

I think we get him. I don't have his number. But if I had him, I'd FaceTime him.

I thought he reached out to you.

Yeah, you know how that works. Yeah.

Oh, through somebody else?

Yeah, well, right. Yeah. Secret time. I'm not the guy that FaceTimes or that... No word from Louis CK. Oh, well, it can't be worse than when I met him.

When you met?

Louis. Oh, yeah. He didn't like me then. He started to like me. I think he liked me to get to you. I think he likes you better than he likes me. You should FaceTime Louis.

No, I think we already established.

Do we have Kevin Hart's number? Kevin Hart is our white whale.

Okay, hold on.

His schedule.

Is probably-Come on with that Kev Hart.

Digges. The best part is the next time I run into Louis or Chappell, I'll be wasted and I'd be like, I'm just an asshole.

We're not with Louis. Now here's the thing. Can I ask you this? Let's say this Kevin Hart number comes in right now. Okay. Let's think about this. Okay. Just a FaceTime could go that way. Do I text them first? Hey, Kev, it's Tom Seguira.

I'm sitting with Bert Kraecher.

We're doing this thing. Can I Face? I think-.

This might be the way we-.

I think there's a higher probability.

I think we learned the rough way that just Face Timing these celebrities isn't the best way.

To go about it. Because they're just going to be like, I mean, you're different. But most people, if you see a face-time coming, if you don't know, you don't.

Answer that. If you don't know the number, you don't answer it.

You might.

I would. That's what I just said. I want to see who it is. It's like a present where you're like, Oh, sweet. I wonder who this is from.

Oh, I got it.

Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Bert Krager, this is Tom Skurra, and we are face-timing Kevin Hart.

Okay.

Text first. Texting him first.

Okay, let's work on this text. Let's work on it. Hey, Kev.

Kev? You're going Kev?

Kev, yeah.

Okay.

I mean, he's a brother.

Hey, Big Kev. What's up, Big Kev? What? Kuz. Go, Hey, what's up, Kuz?

What it do?

What it do, Kev?

What it do, Kev? This is Tom Seguira. I'm with...

Bert.

Do you want to use Bert or do you want to use a different name? Just call Bert. Okay.

I know the guy. Bert. What if he from- I am.

Yeah, I put Christer. I'm with Bert Kraysher and.

We're doing- We're doing a podcast.

We're doing a podcast. And should I say what we're doing? Because he loves to run. He's a super active dude.

Yeah.

Should I say we're a podcast and we're organizing a 5K? Can I.

Face them? I don't know. I feel like we're giving him all the information to say no to.

We're doing a podcast. Can I FaceTime you?

Fuck, man. Sounds aggressive. It does. Tell him you just got out of the shower. Hey, Cav. Let's just say like I was going to say to you right now. Okay? Hey, Cav. It's Per Kryser and Tom Seguara. We're doing a podcast and we'd love to FaceTime you real quick.

We're doing a podcast. All right, I'll just... This will be the end of my relationship with him.

But yeah, cool?

Yeah. Okay. We'd love to FaceTime you real quick? Yeah.

Prove you're not a bitch. Come on, Kev. Come on, Kev. Loop me in on my text.

We'd love to FaceTime you.

Real quick. Nothing crazy.

What's the vote from the booth? Does that work?

I think it's pretty solid. Nothing crazy.

What do you think?

What's the wording again?

What a do, little cat. Hey, Kev. It's Tom Segerard. I'm with Bert Krager. We're doing a podcast. We love to FaceTime you real quick. Straight to the point?

Yeah, that sounds- Straight to the point. I love it. I love it. You think so?

I had no reaction. Well, I mean, that's two or three.

That's all you need.

What is your thinking? I think two or three is good. It's majority. Wait, no. Whoa, whoa. Come on. You speak his language. How would you like it written? I don't know. I think I'm more in line with your thoughts. They're like, Man, I really don't want to burn.

I don't want to- Yeah, yeah. There is the angle of this.

You know what? I said, But I overthink shit.

They probably are right. There is the angle of this, Hey, Kev. It's Duane. New phone. Face-time me real quick.

Is Duane?

No, Duane-Larock.

Youre just I was thinking of just like another athlete.

Just don't overthink it. Just send it.

Just send.

That one? Just send it. All right. Speaking of Duane, what about Duane? No. You can't bring the rocks and everyone's going to... It's about the rock.

What about Kevin Hart?

Kevin Hart. Yeah, but we're already knee-deep in this.

All right, I'm.

Sending it. Just hit send.

All right, this is the end. I'll never talk to Kevin Hart again. Yes, yes, yes. I sent. I sent it. Sent, come on.

You.

Should write that FYI you win me $10,000 if you FaceTime me. You might do it like that. Come on, come on, Kevin.

I have the new Audemars, PAK, Royal Oak that Travis put out. Would you like it?

What? Nothing.

Nothing? Okay. Something he likes.

Oh, this is crazy. Is this what it's like? Texting chicks?

I think so.

Oh, it's terrifying.

I know this is terrifying. Actually, that was more nerve-wrecking than texting a chick.

I think I'm so glad I'm out of the game. Come on, Kevin. Come on, Kevin. Show everyone you're human.

What if he just writes like, Fuck you, bitch.

What if he's like, Don't recognize the names.

Yeah, don't know the names. Don't care. Blocked. We are sitting here enjoying the new Kevin Hart cereal.

Is that what you're writing?

I don't know. He has fucking a hundred products. This is.

The most nerve-wrecking. This is what it's like being drunk at doing... Louis CK just texted me. What did he say? I can't, my friend. Who's Tom? Oh, Segun. Ladies and gentlemen. What? Louis fucking CK. Okay. You're a fucking legend, Louis. You're a fucking legend. You're a fucking legend, Louis. Hey, you're on the podcast with me and Tom right now.

What's up, Louis?

I wasn't.

Going to call back. I just wrote to you, I can't, which is a lie. I just don't feel like doing it.

I fucking told you by.

The way.

I really ran over in my head. Why does he say just Tom? I know who that is. I'm like, Tom who? And I realized, Oh, fucking, Sigur Rós, obviously. So now I have to call because I feel terrible.

Why am I looking at a light? I can't see. Because the camera wants to.

See your face. He's showing you to the camera of your face, that's all.

Oh. Yeah. Let me see. But then I don't get to see Tom Seguara.

Here, there you go. Hey, what's up?

Dude, do you have AIDS?

What's happening to you? Actually, I am HIV positive.

You're.

So little.

Yeah. That parlay is perfectly into our question, Louis.

Okay, what's your question?

Louis, we know that you're- Let me.

Handle this. Okay.

Louis, we're talking about getting in shape. Tom said you're looking good that you've been running.

A lot lately. You're active. You like boxing. You like boxing, you like running. I've seen you go on runs. I know you like to box. We are organizing a 5K in May, and we have a bunch of comics who have committed to doing it. We haven't picked our city yet, but we want to do a 5K, have a party at the end, and we would love if you would join us.

I would say not in a million years. Not in a million years. Not even in a million years in the past.

Why?

Wait, even around the Renaissance?

No, I wouldn't do it in the Renaissance. I go a million years back and all you can think of is the Renaissance. That's like a few thousand.

I wouldn't...

No, I can't...

They cut.

What's that, Louis?

I'm 56.

Years old. Yeah, it's three miles.

I can run three miles. That's it.

Louis will fly private. We'll fly you private.

I love that comedians think that flying private is like, That's it, man. I'm coming.

Actually, we won't. We will send a horse. But you still run. You're active.

Tell me again what it is because the phone kept.

Crackling out. What is it? It's just three miles. It's three miles. It's an organized event. A bunch of friends.

People come out. We have Stobro, Shane Gillis, Mark Normand, we have Michelle Wolf. Cameron Haynes is going to do it. Tom and I are.

Doing it. We're reaching out to black people, so other people will be diverse, but it'll be- Right.

But you get a staggered start. Wait, we start 10 minutes before the black people.

Yeah.

Of course. They have a whole different starting line.

Thank.

You.

Just like with white privilege.

This isThis is watch Bert die, basically, right?

Yeah.

Louis. Yes. Don't you.

Want to be there.

To watch Bert die?

Be it Bert's death.

Yes. This is.

Be a first responder.

You could practice that, your CPR stuff. There's no way you would do the three miles?

I'll tell you, I'm very not in good shape. I broke three ribs like three months ago, and I've been letting myself go a little bit.

Because of that. They'll be fully.

Healed by May. This could be a great motivator, Louis. A soft commit could be the right thing to get you on this journey.

My knees are not in great shape. I haven't been running much late. I've been walking like a motherfucker. I go on long, two-hour-plus hikes with my dog. That's all you need. But the blunt force trauma of running on the knees is a little much for.

Me right now. Shane Gillis is doing it, Louis.

Yeah, but you see, Shane is a very young man, so he has repair. He can hurt his body, which is, by the way, bad for him. It's why he won't quit drinking until it kills him because he has bounce. He has bounce.

Yeah, but don't you want to see him die?

Well, I broke my ribs in September, and they haven't healed because I'm old. So any damage I do to my body now, I'll carry to the end of my days.

Okay, all we need is a soft commit and then just play it by ear, Louis.

Louis, power walk it.

When is it?

In May. We haven't picked a day in.

May yet, but tonight. We can make it very easy for you.

Okay, so I'm going to tell you I'm going to do it, and then I'm definitely not going to do it.

That's all we need, Louis.

That's all we need. We're going to tell people that you're in.

I will attach myself to that project and promise you and guarantee you that I will not be there.

That's why it's going to be so great when you.

Show up. That's cool. You're on the bill. We'll put you on the bill.

Yeah, I am not doing that, but it's a great idea.

Right.

All right. It's for charity. It's for like-.

It's nice to talk to you guys. I'd just like to express that. Tom, it's good.

To see you. It's good to see you, man.

Bill, I mean, Bill.

Bill.

Blanch, Blaire, Mohanda, Donata, Louis.

But you're in to commit to the donation part, right? For the charity?

Shut up. Don't say there's no donation.

You want my money?

No, there's no donation, Louis. We're donating. Just a soft commit. Play it by ear. We'll reach out to you every now and then, see how your.

Journey is. What charity? What charity? Yeah. Is it for charity? It's Jews. Just all of them. We just give them money.

So it's like reparations.

For Jews?

Yeah, exactly. That's what it is.

It's weird when they do 10Ks to raise money because people come up to you and they go, I'm going to do this race. Will you give me money.

For the charity?

I give them the money. It's like, Why are you running, though?

Nobody.

Needs to.

Fucking run. Yeah, you don't need to, for sure.

All right.

It's.

A hard pass for me.

But- Soft commit, hard pass?

Yeah, those are mean the same thing.

Soft commit, hard pass.

We'll put a question mark on your name on the flyer.

Yeah. Bert, I'm I love you. And Tom, I love you. I feel real love for both of you guys. I don't know either of you that well, but I feel a lot of affection and care.

We love you, man. We love you, Louis. We love you, Louis.

For the last you've given me. I hope that you think of me in May because I probably won't live that long.

But hey, thank you for.

Face-timing us back. Thank you very much.

Take care, guys.

We enjoy it.

Thanks, Louis. I love you, Louis. Thank you.

Bye-bye.

I mean, could this have gone better?

Have a heart.

No. No. No.

You know what he wrote? What? No. Oh, for real? Yeah.

He just wrote no?

No.

He.

Wrote no? No.

Right back, please.

No.

Just do it.

A no is a fucking pretty...

He didn't write like no, buddy.

Nope. N-o. Just kidding. He didn't write that.

You should just try FaceTime in right now.

Fuck, no. That's how it works. That's how it works. Look, hold on. I rolled the dice on Louis. I know. And you saw the smile. Do you know why you saw the smile? Hold on. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Everyone wants to be included. Everyone wants to feel like they have friends. I know. Everyone wants love. Everyone wants love.

Everyone wants love. Can I make another point, though? Please. Louis actually knows us. When he actually saw us, he was like, It's good to see you guys. Kevin Hart, he's like, Who.

The fuck and why? Just FaceTime Kevin Hart. Facetime Kevin Hart. Facetime Kevin Hart. He's gotten the text. Absolutely not. He's gotten the text. He has gotten the text. He has gotten the text. He's gotten the text. He's gotten the text.

He's gotten the text. And he knows... The text has the question. I'm actually just being like, Is this okay to do? To just do it without a response is insane, and I am not doing that.

Fat Tom would have done it. Maybe. My heart is so full with joy right now. It's going to be a good time. Ck FaceTime'd us. It was fun. And that was fucking great. It was. Give Kevin Hart the chance to be relatable. Get the fuck out of here with that. Give him the chance. Guys? Give me your phone. Give me your phone. -absolutely not. And then you will not be responsible. You will not be responsible. Just give me your phone. I'll FaceTime him. I'll FaceTime him, and I'll be like, Fuck, I stole Tom's phone. I'm not telling you, I give Bert...

Yeah. Love you guys. Love you, Bert. Thank you for watching. We cannot.

Wait to- Make sure to post those pictures of you and your before. It is New Year's Eve. It is New Year's Day.

You- Actually, yes. And then we know what we should do. What? We should... This comes out that day or in the days around this, post a carousel.

A 100 %.

Of your absolute worst photos.

You will just see the fattest.

Pictures of me. I might show you one today that is just... But I have multiples that are just horrific. I will send you all of them. I'll post all of them.

I love it. I love it. This is so fun. This is a great podcast.

Don't let us forget that, please, to post those.

Got you. By the way, the list of people running this 5K will grow. It's going to grow. It's just going to be the comics you love. We're going to all be out there. It'll be a 5K very doable for everyone. Start training right now. Start training right now. Just get out there and walk. Just walk 15-minute miles and get your body comfortable. Then we will be doing this in May. We will find the city. We will add comics as they come up. I wouldn't be shocked if Kevin Hart showed up. I wouldn't be surprised we had a surprise guest with Joe Regan. It's going to be fucking epic. If he.

Calls, I promise we will-.

If Kevin Hart calls you will see. Right now you'll look and they're like, Wait, what are the extra five minutes of this show? Because Kevin Hart called, we will record it and we'll put him in there.

But I'm saying if he calls you in the next few minutes, we're out of here. You pull up your phone, start recording me, and then.

We'll add it to this. I want to thank Tim Dylan, Shane Gillis, Mark Norman, Stavros, Michelle Wolf, Cam Haynes, Tom Segerard, Bert Kraecher, the list is going to get thicker. I hope this is the best year of your life. I hope we all have a fucking blast. Topsoff World Tour, Tommy's on tour. Find us on the road. We'll be getting in shape. I love you, Tom.

Love you, too. See you guys.

Bert, Tom, Tom, and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt.

Tom tells stories and Bert's.

The.

Machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.