Hey, Mark. Hey, Tom. Thanks for coming. Do you use a washcloth? No. Come on, the face. Is it good for the skin? Absolutely not. If it gets to the point where I have to take a shit on this thing, I'm hoping it explodes. That's freak city. Specifically for cleaning the ass. I never thought of that. Hiss on me beat me. If I were this to wake up my children, it would be immediate therapy. A lot of men.

Doing it is nothing to be.

Ashamed of. This is awesome.

What is awesome? I'm going.

To fucking kill you. This is going to cost you something.

This is going to be just some non-consensual ass play. So the whole family share one bar. Yeah, and.

You would put it in your ass. That's disgusting. Interesting. It's hard for me to not believe that racism is not involved with this. I'm Whitney. I'm Duncan. You also got really fucking dressed up. I'm so happy we actually got to connect. I'll try it out. In case you missed it, you can stream 69 Minutes now at ymhstudios. Com. Hello, Tom Seguira here, and tickets are on sale right now for my show at Netflix as a joke-fest May ninth at the KIA Forum. So excited to come back to L. A, get your tickets now at netfixasajokefest. Com and tomseguira.

Com/tour. This is kicking in. It is.

Pretty strong. By the way, I have to shit right now because nicotine this strong makes me shit. I can feel my ass being like, What are we doing here? Holy crap.

I'm really high. Hundred %. Cheers.

This episode is brought to you by Satva, S-A-A-T-V-A. Com. And of course, you slash the shit. Why? Because with that URL, you get $200 off any mattress of your choice. I got to tell you, they have some amazing choices. We have very aggressively endorsed this product because we really believe in it. I slept on a bunch of mattresses, different brands before, and nothing matches up to Satva. They have luxury firm mattresses, they have memory foam mattresses, they have mattresses that vibrate and move up and down. They have a zero-gravity setting, makes you just want to chill, veg out. They have it all and it's all high quality, environmentally friendly stuff that, like I said, you're just going to sleep better. I'm such a fan and I can't wait for you to try one. Go to satva, S-A-A-T-V-A. Com/theshit, and get $200 off any mattress of your choice. We are back. Thank you.

For joining us. My name is Jason, Kelsey. This is Travis.

Hey.

How's it going? It's on, baby. It's on. It's on. We heard from them. We heard from them. Shots fired. They received our shot over the bow.

They know what's up now.

I was just in Philly. I was waiting for them the whole time to come surprise me.

What are we going to do with them?

We don't know. It's in the works.

But we're talking soon.

Yeah, we're going to.

Do something. We'll give you a full report back, but they know what's up, dude.

Fuck yeah, man. They respect athletes. Athletes respectDude, we're sports guys. Don't ever fucking forget that we're athletes. We got locker room humor. That is a Trump.

Thing, right?

That is a Trump thing. Speaking of locker room athletes.

Got to grab the tusses. Yeah.

I'm not going to interrupt a lot today.

Oh, yeah? Yep.

Because I just watched our podcast the other day, and I really enjoy when you talk.

Just not in person. I don't know why. It's just when you're seeing playback.

I said, Let him fucking finish.

To yourself.

I was on the plane going, God damn it. What are we doing? You know what I'm doing?

I'm going to point out every time you cut me off.

Wait, do you see me.

Listening right now? Yeah, I see you. It's really an effort because you went like this. You went like, You're trying to not look Korean. You were like-.

I almost lost my shit on LeAnne last night. We were going to have phone sex.

Nice. Yeah. Was she talking to you through it or FaceTime? Facetime. Oh. You pull your pod and you watch.

Her and everything? That's a little secret time for us, but I will say-.

Tell me exactly. Does she spread her cheeks and you look at her asshole, you check on. Tell me all the details. Hold on. She's like, Does that. You're like- I.

Don't get it now.

Dude, I would love to see footage of you. I want to see you crank it.

Walking a 53-year-old woman how to prop up an iPhone on a bed. I'm this close to losing my shit.

Really? No, I can't fucking see.

You can put something in front of the phone so it.

Doesn't fall forward. Show me.

Then FaceTime has this new feature where out of nowhere it'll just give a thumbs up like someone liked it. I think it's if you say a word and all of a sudden, I guess I was like, I like that. Facetime gives a thumbs up. She's like, Hold on, who's in this? She thought I was live streaming it.

Does she like to watch you do it? No.

Does she like to watch you J. A. D? You know what? Yes Yes. She has gotten, and I don't know the right way to say this. I know she wants to keep the majority of private, but she has gotten- Yeah, really? I know that.

She doesn't want me to do this. Go ahead. You mean the intimate details of your sex life? Go ahead.

I'm so sorry, honey.

Okay.

She has gotten really wild. Like, really wild. Like fantasy shit. Really? Like fantasy shit. I'm being really serious. The stuff you jack off doing porn, she is now open to. At first, I didn't trust it because I was like, She must have cheated on me. No one does that. No one rebounds that hard out of nowhere. I was like, Who did you fucking Vietnam?

Yeah.

But she's on the same, over at Ways to Well. Yeah. She's got a cocktail, and it just is right at her body. She just is like a fucking vixen. Really? I'm talking wild shit. Jesus. Yeah, it's fucking pretty awesome.

Part of that includes her being like, I'm going to watch you jerk it.

No, she doesn't. No, she's still LeAnne in that. Oddly enough, she's still LeAnne. Even trying to play around, she's still her. Yeah. But she's so much more openness stuff. I don't even know what's going on with her. I was telling the Flyers about having sex with her, and she looked fucking good at the Flyers game.

Was she there when you were telling them?

No, she was over to the side, but I was looking... By the way, she's 53, and they're like, That's her mom's age.

Yeah, those guys.

Are 24. Except for fucking Hartsy. Shout out to Heartsy. Yeah. Fucking goalie for the Flyers.

Okay.

By the way, I'm sorry, buddy.

I'm sure that was a secret.

Whoa! Hold on.

So Tom- Yeah, even having- -is getting it from the flyers.

Great sex, okay. They heard I got on.

Lip stuff. This looks like.

Some Russian shit. -it's from Siberia. I opened up a zin in front of the flyers, and each of them took three and put them in their lip. I was like, Whoa, these are sixes. They're like, Yeah, we know. They're like, You don't do the real shit, do you? I was like, What's the real shit? They're like, The stuff from Russia. I was.

Like, No. What's in this?

Then they came to my show at the Flyers after the Wells Fargo Center. Holy shit, it's not even white.

It smells like ammonia. Is this a smelling salt?

I don't know. Let me see it. It's fucking- Holy God, it looks spoiled.

It says white, dry. None of it's white.

None of it's white. What year is it from? I just opened it.

I opened it.

No, no, no. I didn't open it.

You don't even know. It doesn't say.

The strength of it. I don't know if you're supposed to swallow it. Maybe we should stick to the things.

You want to try one?

You try one? Yeah, I'll try one. Do you have to spit?

I don't know.

But the- Fucking what are the- Can we.

Get cups just in case? Yeah. This is super fucking gnarly. Oh, wow. That smells so strong, bro.

It's soaking wet. It's like wet.

Okay.

But this is the shit.

You ready? Dude, edit. Isn't this just dip?

I don't know. It smells aggressive. Yeah, you can't swallow this. It doesn't have a swallow feel.

Jesus. Yeah, okay, I can see why they throw in three zans. Fuck.

This is fucking my teeth hurt. Holy cow. We're going to definitely need cups.

Yeah, they're getting it.

Yeah, those guys.

Thanks, bro. It's so bad.

We just start just chewing tobacco. It's burning so bad. It's intense.

Hold it up. Show the can.

So if you guys have any information about Siberia, it says- My lips on fire. My lips on fire, too. It says extremely strong. I just want for it to kick in. By the way, it's got a little reservoir. This is what all the Swedish chicks do. What? It's got a reservoir, so if it's too strong, you can take it out and let it sit and then put it back in later. Really? Yeah.

That's brilliant. The chicks do that?

Dude, my Instagram is fucking thick with chicks. What do you mean? Have you seen the roast beef challenge?

The roast beef challenge? Is that a pussy flip thing? Yep. Really? Yep. What is it?

It's girls holding their phone and they're like, Hey, I just want to tell you. Then they drop their phone in the pussy and it lands in their pussy. Then they pull it up and they go, I just love a roast beef sandwich. I got on a thread of those the other night.

How was that?

I just screen-grabbed them. Then I was like, Oh, I'm the good ones I send to people. Yeah, is this it?

Okay.

Oh, play one.

Yeah, go to the left. Left, left, left. Yeah, start over there. Holy shit. No.

That's not it. That's not it.

The text is insane. How about the second one?

You know what I love? Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Sorry. And then they just fly through a road. I just love a good roast beef sandwich, especially Arbies.

This is fatherless behavior, yo'.

You know what I love? Oh, my God. Sorry. And then the other thing they do is the pause challenge. I got onto this thread. I got onto this thread.

Bottom left.

You know.

What I love?

Sorry. You got to be quick. I just love the roast beef sandwich. It's fun because you end up getting into their pause. Especially their obvious. And then you watch it a couple of times and then you pause it perfect. Right. There are so many sluts online.

Yes, there are.

I'm telling my daughters, Just don't do the roast beef challenge.

Just don't. Did you ever think you would say that as a father at any point? No. Hey, one day, don't do the roast... What did they say? Are they like, What the fuck are you talking about, dad?

I'll tell you the best. Yeah?

They didn't.

Know what it was. No, no, no, hold on. I'm on a roast beef challenge thread. And Ms. Pat shows up.

Ms. Pat?

Hey, you all. I'm like, Oh, shit. She's going to do the roast beef challenge. But she has a show in Indiana.

No way. No way she's doing that.

She's not doing the roast beef yet. She worked with me this weekend and fucking murdered.

Had to. She's so good.

She's so fun. She's so good. She's killing it. This is kicking in, and it is pretty strong. Yeah. Do you feel it? I think it's tobacco.

I think it is too.

I think.

It's tobacco. I don't think these are.

Fucking- It is Russian tobacco, not regulated.

By the way, I have to shit right now because nicotine this strong makes me shit. I can feel my ass being like, What are we doing here? Find a hole, man.

This is a.

Shit- Whoa, I'm high. I got a crazy buzz. God, these Rooskies are out of their minds.

It's pouring into my mouth.

Have you seen what those crazy motherfuckers do for-Holy crap. I'm really high. I know. I'm a big fan of jiu-jitsu. They're doing phone booth jiu-jitsu.

My fingers are.

Tingling right now. I know, I'm so high. Or the car one, there are seatbelts, and then they wrestle. And all their mixed martial arts fight forum and stuff. I'm so high, dude. You're turning. I'm so high and my ass is tingling. They always have brawls, all-out brawls at way-ins.

Oh, yeah, those are the best.

Crazy ones, dude.

I'm afraid I broke myself from Zins. What if this is my new thing that I have to do?

It's Georgia.

What?

Georgia?

Is she-She got ink. She did? She didn't tell me.

What did she get?

Who fucking knows? Big? Something on his shoulder. All right. She called. She was texting me that she loved me a lot. Then I was like, What's going on? I called Ilah, and Ilah's eyes went like this. I was like, She got a fucking tattoo, didn't she? Ilah's like, I didn't say anything. I was like, Way to go dummy. Then I called Georgia and she's like, I had a snitch on me, didn't she? I was like, No, we all snatched on you. Yeah. This is aggressive. Are you shitting?

I have to. I guess we could wait a minute.

Just see if you shit your pants. I shit my pants on stage the other night.

No, you didn't.

Yeah. For real? For real. You can find a picture of it. I shit my pants on stage. I had to wipe my ass with my shirt. Then there was shit all over my shirt.

Oh, my.

God, dude. Guys, Topsoff World Tour. Last week, this week in Rochester.

This.

Is aggressive. I might have to switch over to a Zen.

We'll do whatever you need to do. I'm definitely going to go to the bathroom very soon. Really? Probably.

How was the USC fight? And who is your mistress?

Excuse.

Me? That's all I got texted.

The woman sitting to my right? Yeah. Joe Regan's wife?

Does he know? Yeah, he was to her right. Everyone texted me and was like, Tom's seeing someone. Wait, Joe just sat and watched the fights?

Yeah. For real? Yeah.

This is me shitting my pants. Seriously? Yeah. If you're out of my ass, you throw the fuck up. I had to go behind the thing and wipe my ass. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold up.

Oh, my God. You mean to.

Hold it up? No, the end of the show.

Oh, my God.

I really shit my pants, too. Yeah, you do look good.

Yeah, you do look good. Two-thirty. You've trimmed them so much.

That was crazy. I figured out the key to drinking, and I'm going to write a book about it. -what's the key? Zen and I and.

Figured out. Oh, really?

I think the key is Zins. Zins are good. I'm going through a lot of these. Yeah. How many milligrams do you think you do in a day?

I mean, I'm throwing you quite a few. I start the day with them.

Oh, yeah, of course. There's only one way to start a day, and that's with the Zin. I could.

Sleep with it. Yeah, if I do the rogues. I like the rogues more. I've been trying different flavors.

I'm going back to Zin. Okay. I'm going back to Zin. That thing was fucking aggressive. I have a weird taste in my mouth like I fucking blew a farmer.

I can take it out, too.

The USC. Thank you to the Flyers. Oh, my God. I won the 50-50 raffle.

I'm going back to USC.

Okay. I want to know about the USC, Tom.

The USC, I'll say this. Before I met Joe, I met him in '07.

Yeah.

I knew USC peripherally. You know what I mean? I knew a few names back then, whatever it was. Chuck Liddell, Shamrock, those guys. But I wasn't watching every week. When I met him, I won that contest. I did a few minutes. He was like, Hey, do you ever want to do a gig with me? I was like, Yeah, of course. Other people had said that, and they never called. He called me a few weeks later and he goes, Hey, you want to go to... He goes, Do you like the USC? I was like, Sure. He's like, Well, we'll go to Tampa. We'll do a gig the night before. We did two shows at the Tampa Improv, Eboard City, and the next day was the USC.

Wow, what year is this? He's doing clubs in.

What year? It's '07.

Wow.

We go to the USC, and here's the thing. Everything is different live, like stand-up, obviously, I always tell people, If you like stand-up and you haven't been to a live show. It's so different live. Sports are like that. But there's something about fights in person and that atmosphere that now I've been to over a dozen because of him. When that music comes on and the lights change and the crowd roars and someone enters, I still get goosebumps every time. You just can't not. It's just there's this feeling of you're like, Then you realize we're doing, this is modern day gladiator shit. It totally is this fucking lunatic and this guy, and they're from different parts in the world, and let's just see what happens. You throw them in the octagon and they just fucking maul each other. We sat front row, right at the cage and saw just two insane knockouts. I mean, one where the whole chatter there, and I'm sure it's continued after I haven't checked up on it, but there was a late stoppage.

I saw that. There was a lot.

Of chatter. Where this guy was clearly, I mean, no protection, knocked out. He was so knocked out that the guy knocked him out and woke him back up and knocked him out again. On his back, just, Bam. You see him like this. He hit him again. He popped up and you're like, When are they going to fucking... They finally stopped. It felt like a super late stoppage. Then the main event, which was he hit him. He clipped him with a knee that set him up. Then he came with this overhand right cross down on him. That guy was out for minutes, like five minutes. You're like, Is this guy dead? You see the chest, the respiratory system kick in. But it was insane. It's super intense. Incredible experience. Shout out, Joe Burrow was there, quarterback for the Bangles. He flew in to go to the fights.

So that was- He didn't have a game?

He had a game two nights later. He's injured.

Oh, that's right.

He came in. We went to dinner. Super fun. But that experience, like USC events, by the way, if you're a Fight fan and you can get to one of those, there's just nothing like the live experience. It was fucking insane.

Someone asked me if I'd walk to the ring with him. Yeah? Yeah.

You could do it?

I want to, but I don't know. Ii don't know. I don't know.

Why.

Not? I don't know. I feel like it's such a serious moment. I might be the right guy. Well. Yeah, I would love to. I would love to. Yeah, okay, take your shirt off and go on. See, that's a problem. It's like I got one speed.

And.

It's burnt.

Yeah.

Maybe that's what he wants. Maybe. But I've been listening to a bunch of music getting ready for it. I'm fucking- So it's coming up. It's supposed to. I don't know. We're still- You.

Should definitely do it, dude. Really? Yes.

None of my family wants to go to the USC. No one wants to go to the USC with you. It'd just be me. Do it. Yeah.

I went to the Magic Game, and.

Then- I saw that amazing half-court shot.

Three or four of.

Them, actually. Four of them. I only saw the two that looked like-.

They told me ahead of time. I'm in the tunnel. First of all, they're like, All right, first quarter, we're going to put you on the big Jumbotron wave. I was like, All right, do that. Then they're like, In the fourth quarter, during the second timeout, you'll go to half court and take some half court shots, and then you get to shoot the T-shirt gun. I was like, I'm down with that, especially the T-shirt gun. That's just so fun. It's whenever the second timeout occurs in the fourth quarter, order. That could happen when there's ten minutes left or when there's fucking two minutes left. This game happened to be a phenomenal game. Really? Trading leads, Nuggets, Magic. It's a fucking.

Great game. I love old school Magic Uniforms.

And it was packed. Yeah, me too. It was packed. I mean, it was jam-packed there. They move us or sitting on the floor. I got the kids with me keeping them up. The fucking mascot, shout-out to stuff, he comes up to me. He says the nicest stuff, I love your stuff, I'm a big fan, grabs my five-year-old. He's like, Come on, man. And he's like, Okay. He puts them on a four-wheel electric ATV. You're like, Wrong kid. I was like, Uh. And I see them drive out. And he's just like, You know what? During a break, drive around the court, waving at people. My kid doesn't know what's going on. I was like, What's up, buddy? He was like... Just driving around with them. And then they're like, All right, we're ready. One of the hype team guys was like, Hey, here's the half-court advice. Everybody comes up short. He's like, Shoot from the legs. You got to really push it. I was like, Cool. First one, the first shot comes up. It's like six feet short. I was like, Oh, fuck. By the way, the crowd was actually hyped. They announced to you and then they're like, Yeah, you can tell them.

You're the basketball guy. They're like, Fucking do it.

He's.

Been playing. Yeah. So short. I was like, Oh, fuck. Another one, it goes two feet short. I was like, God damn. Because you just have perspective for it. That third one I launched, it hits the backboard and I was like, That's it. I don't want to fucking bore the fuck out of everybody here. But then- Five more. Yeah, they give me the T-shirt gun. That was actually the absolute everybody. It's like how people go crazy for free shit. You just look and everyone's like, People are jumping out of their seats with T-shirts.

But that was super fun. You've never been recognized more than when you have a T-shirt gun. When you have a T-shirt, it is-.

Yeah, because you were throwing them. I saw.

That you got to throw them. Oh, yeah, I threw them at the- Flyers game, right? Flyers game, yeah, Flyers. They came up and they were like, Do you want to... It was a little bit of a travesty. They're like, Do you we're going to put you on the Jumbotron. I was like, Great. It was Cancer Awareness Month. They're like, Hey, just whip this towel around your head. They're like, For Cancer Awareness Month, we have Bert Christ. I ripped my shirt off, kill a beer. Everyone's like, wrong time. Then I'm putting this shirt around. They're like, People are dying in this room. Then they're like, Hey, do you want to throw T-shirts? I was like, Fuck, yeah. I went down, threw T-shirts. This kid, the old machine, you're my hero. I was like, He gets a shirt. Then they did the 50-50 raffle. I told the lady, I'm the raffle king. This is what I do is win raffles.

This is what I do.

This is what I do. I do one thing. I do a couple of things really well, but one thing really well. I ride horses really well.

What?

Ride horses? I ride horses beautifully. Like, beautifully. Almost like the horse and I belong together.

Since.

When? My whole life.

Never heard you mention a horse once.

My biggest dream is to own a horse. What the fuck are you talking about? It's my biggest dream. Have you ever sprinted on a horse?

Sprinted? Yeah. A little bit in Montana, and I fucking was like- It's scary. -it's terrifying. You got to be a man. It's actually terrifying. Yeah, thanks. It's terrifying if you're not used to it.

I love it. I love it more than anything. She comes to me with the 50-50 raffle. I'm like, What's the pot? She was like, Oh, it's like 12 grand. I go, I'm putting in two. She was like, No one's ever bought $2,000 worth of tickets. I said, It's not over. I'm going deep. I said, Before you close raffle, come back here. I sell two grand. Then as soon as it starts going up, everyone starts buying tickets. It's got up to 29,000. Then she came back and I didn't tell LeAnne. I was like, Put me in for another two grand. She's like, Are you fucking serious? I was like, Yeah. I have $4,000 worth of ticket. Is this during the game? It was during the game. That's all I was looking at, waiting for the 50-50 raffle. Then they pulled the ticket. They called the number. I go, I don't want to find out. I'll find out on radio tomorrow. But then everyone starts going, Your box won. I was the only one that bought fucking tickets in my box. I went on to President Steve and they came in. I won $29,000. 50-50. I only get 14, and then you got to get four to taxes.

Really like 10.

They donated it.

Yeah. Leanne is like, We ain't keeping that money. She wanted me to donate it to the flyers. I go, No, they already got it. They fucked up because they told me they go, I said, How much does this raise? She goes, Oh, a lot, like seven million dollars a year. I went, What? She goes, Well, here's the deal. No one ever picks up their ticket. I was like, For real? She goes, Yeah. No one ever picks up their ticket. All that goes to charity. We raised a ton of money. We raised seven million. As soon as she said that, I was like, I'm keeping my money. She was like, What? I said, I'm just keeping my fucking money. I'm not just willy-nilly go to some charity. If I donate it, I'm going to donate it. Then I don't know, the Bucks must have found out that night, and they texted me the next morning, Hey, we got Habitat from Humanity in Hillsborough. I used to do it at Jesuit. They're like, Would you do a read and say, 'Get everyone to donate? ' I was like, You can't do that without fucking donating you assholes.

So you did that. I said, I hit my business manager. I was like, If I donate the money. He was like, Yeah, well, that way you get to keep all of it. What? You get to keep- What.

Nonsense are you.

Saying right now? You're the 14 grand. You don't have to pay. You're donating it, so you just.

Donate it. I love that you're so concerned with this and you have so much more.

Money than that. Well, yeah, read my comments. Every fucking child, every child, meaning I looked at a couple of profiles of dudes like, Dude, why don't you just buy the whole house for them? You can do it. The guy does arenas. I was like, That's not how that fucking works.

How does it work?

Well, Ray, shut up.

I think you can buy them a house. No, I'm.

Not going to fucking buy them a fucking house. How much is it? I'm not buying them a fucking house. How much is it? I have no idea. I'm not buying them a fucking house. Stop the conversation. How come? I gave.

Them 12 grand. Why don't you just give them 100?

Look, Tom, I've got certain allotments for certain charities I like to work with. I get drunk, I go and go fund me. I gave them fucking twelve grand.

All right. Oh, man, this is going to be a problem for us. When we find out what the Kelsies donate to their fucking charities, we might have to step it up, right?

Yeah.

Because I'm donating to World Central Kitchen.

I already did that. You did? Yeah, fucking enough with the fucking charities.

It's like-Did we just find your soft spot?

No, but it's like, I can't. They hit me up and then I go-You're like, How does this work? Everyone fucking... I mean, look, I'm not pissing and moaning, but it just seems like I'm getting a lot of cherries coming my way these days. Fucking hit me up.

What do you hit me up?

I tackled one of the protesters, and then they hit me up-.

Oh, at the golf thing.

-at the fucking golf thing. What did they say? I don't know. I don't even want to say their names. I bleep out because I don't even want to get involved in the thing.

Did they say.

Hey- No, they were cool. They were really cool. They were really so cool that you were like, Is this a trip? They were really cool. They were like, Hey, thank you for being... I shouldn't say what they said in the private email maybe, but they just said, You're a cool dude. We like cool dudes.

We.

Got some cool ideas. Do you want to hear cool ideas?

I.

Was like, Fuck yeah. Then as soon as you say, Fuck yeah, everyone, lawyers, everyone's like, Do not talk to them.

I was going to say, Are you going to do stuff for them?

I'm backed into a fucking corner.

Do you know your way out of this? What? Just donate that house, buy that house for that person.

Part of the fun is raising the money. Yeah. What about other people? There's other people in town that have money. They can give $12.03. Sure. Then we can raise the money, and then I'm not just... Because then you give one house, you got to give two.

Do two.

Put another zin in. Do you get hit up by charities a lot?

Well, I've donated a pretty sizable amount to Starlight Children's. I didn't do it publicly, they acknowledged me publicly. Okay. That's what.

I want.

You want the acknowledgement?

Yeah, public acknowledgement. I want to do it on the DL but go, Yo, you got to be better fucking release an article.

About this. That charitable spirit. Yeah, so World Central Kitchen, that's Jose Andres' charity. What they do is...

You know what they do? I just did it.

What do you.

Mean you did it? I just did it. I just did it.

What did what?

Did what? They have a huge fundraiser at the end of every year called Mary Thanks, Miss.

Okay.

All right, well.

That's a great one. By the way, if you're looking for a.

Charity- World Central Kitchen is.

A fucking great one. -is amazing. What they do, just so you know, so it's clear, is they go wherever there is any type of disaster, whether it be a natural disaster, a hurricane, a tornado, an earthquake, or they go to war zones. All they do, this is not clear, it's not politicized, all they do is feed people. People who are like, Everyone still needs something to eat. They set up camp. They just start to find a kitchen out of it, and they just start feeding thousands of people.

With really good food.

They make whatever they can with what they have.

Short-roosed sandwiches, really nice shakes. He's a chef. He's a chef, yeah. Because that's where it starts going. You go, Well, why didn't he bring good food.

To them? Right. But they do do amazing things.

Yeah. Look, just because I know people are going to be all in my comments about this, I have a foundation that we have an allotment that we give out that money every year to give to people. That's cool. That's good. There's some companies, I won't say their names, have not noticed how much I gave and said something. I wouldn't mind that.

The main thing is he wants an article.

I remember reading an article about your dad and about all the good shit he did. I was like, I better get one of those.

Well, all you have to do is die. That's when they did it. If you die, I'll make sure that they.

Have that in the article. Do it before I die.

So I can read it. Well, you know what? We would definitely make it into an article is buying a house for someone.

I'm not buying a fucking house for someone. Okay. All right. How much does a.

House cost? I mean, for humanity, it's probably a hundred and some thousand.

Yeah, but okay. Can we just talk? Okay, pretend we're you if you're listening.

Look.

That up. Yeah. Pretend it for you if you're listening right now. Okay. What's the come back for me? Like, meaning, okay, stop, stop, stop. $100,000 is a lot to give someone. Sure. Okay.

Yes, it is. It's a substantial amount of money.

Then what.

Happens from that?

Yeah. Well, first, you'd be doing A, a great thing. B, there's going to be, you could talk to your people, there's going to be some tax incentive if that's what you're.

Looking for. Okay, but here already I'm getting bullied by the comments because I read that one comment. Then all of a sudden, once you're weak like that, they start going, Oh, why doesn't you just give that to this?

Why don't you give that to this? I understand. It's a very good thing to do. It's going to inspire people. It's going to really help someone. There is some tax benefit to doing that. Thirdly, something that's substantial like that, a lot of times gets acknowledgment. If that's what you're looking for, I think if you did that, you'd probably make it into news stories.

Okay, then this is the game.

I'll.

Donate a house if you donate a house. Okay. No, stop. That's not what I was doing. That's not what I wanted you to do. I wanted you to say no, and then I go, That's why.

Oh, okay.

Stop.

All right, you heard it here first. Bert and I are both donating houses.

Stop it. I'm calling the bucks.

What are you.

Going to call them for? I'm going to find out how much a house costs.

Okay. Maybe do a more direct search. What does it cost? Through habitat? What does it cost, habitat for humanity to build a house? Something like that. Motherfucker.

I'm sweating.

Does it.

Give you anything to say? Austin, go to Tampa. Don't do Austin. It's so fucking expensive to live here. Okay. Do Hillsborough County.

Just tells you the time period.

You got to build it.

I.

Understand that, but it's like-They'd probably rather me just show up and build it.

They'd probably prefer the check. All right.

Harrison, it's Bert. You're on Two Bear, One Cave real quick. What's up, man?

I was literally listening to Two Bear's One Cave on my drive home.

That's all I want to hear. Nice. Hey, how much of these houses from Habitat from Humanity cost?

If I'm on the podcast, I'm not sure I can share that. I also might not know.

Exactly the number. Okay.

Your donation, let's just say, bumped it up a good chunk towards the third home.

Towards the third home?

Okay. But roughly.

What's the ballpark? Roughly, and we'll edit it out. Roughly, if you had to guess, roughly, we'll edit it out. You will not be told saying it. But we're editing it out, roughly.

I think they're around like. Okay.

All right. Now you're back on the podcast. Okay, Harrison. Yeah. What kickback can Tom and I get from the bucks if we both donate a house?

Well, I'm glad you haven't talked to Peter and Victoria yet, because I've been talking to them, because I know that you like the recognition. I'm working on something for you already. Just like a little gift, a little thank you.

As our appreciation. Okay, what's the thank you look like if Tom and I both donate a house?

Much, much bigger. I don't know what it is, but I will make something ridiculous happen. Okay. Harrison. Harrison.

You're talking to Tom now. Hey, Tom.

Hey, how's it going, man? Pretty good, man. How are you? Doing well. I'm looking forward to you coming out in March. I can't wait. I can't wait. I would.

Love to- We're not on my toe dates.

I can't wait. I would love to see the facilities. I would love to check it all out. I also wanted to tell you that Bert and I will be donating the cost of a house for Habitat for Humanity. We're going to split a house? Yeah, we'll split a house. That's amazing, man. I can split a house. That's insane. I'll tell the whole team they'll freak out. Great. This is from Bert, Would love a press release and let everybody know that we did that. He's most interested in public acknowledgment.

I need a couple calls from the Glazers. I need Baker Mayfield to send me a FaceTime.

If you don't mind, just have work done. Come to our house just to make a thing. Tom, make sure you talk. Is Peter there right now while you guys are- He's not in the room, but he can hear you. I've been talking to Peter to do something small and absurd to, as a thank you for Bert, because I know how much he loves the recognition and never gets recognized for it. I literally have been talking to people today.

About.

Just something silly.

That we could do.

If you.

Guys are.

Donating another house, we'll make something big happen. I would say also it's important in the acknowledgment to probably point out that it's me that's driving it. He's participating, but I would probably lead with my name, okay? All right, Bill. All right, cool.

All right, so Harrison, Tom and I are good for one house, right? Hey, yeah.

If you guys are good, I'll find out the specifics, and I'll make sure we do.

Something big for you. Okay. One house, though, right?

Yeah, one house. We'll do a house.

We're in for.

A house.

We're in for a house. It's the Christmas spirit.

That's how I feel. That is right. Well, thank you guys very much. Also, Harrison, just so you know, Bert's in a position where he could do multiple homes, no problem. But this one house is definitely happening.

He should be.

Building a neighborhood in here.

Absolutely. Jesus Christ. No coal plunges or shit.

Just a house. No spa, just a house. We got Tom down for one house or down for.

A neighborhood of at least 10.

There you go. That's it. All right. Good to meet you, Harrison. I'll see you soon. All right, man. Sounds good.

Thanks, Bert'l. I'll talk to you soon. All right, talk to you soon. All right, it's official.

All right, we did it.

Tom and I are donating a house. Don't you feel good? I don't feel it at all. Really? Yeah, I feel it. You're just like, Fuck. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, I'm good. I feel better, but I feel all the back-end shit getting us here might make me look bad.

No, it's all good, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. People are going to be thrilled that you're doing it.

Yeah, we're donating.

A house.

In Hillsborough County to Habitat for Humanity. Two bears, one cave. We get to pick the color.

Do they let us.

Do that? Dude, they're definitely getting pictures of us up like Jesus in the house, right in the foyer.

This is who paid for your house?

Yeah, and those kids better be fucking fans. Yeah. We're going to go. We should go to that house whenever just late night.

Yeah, or just like, Look, I'm playing Tampa. I need a room. I'm not staying in a hotel. You guys are having me over.

Who wants to tell LeAnne?

That'd be fun. Actually, I want to hear you tell her. That would be fun. Will she be like, What the fuck?

She's so fucking pissed at me right now. Why? God damn.

This is great. I'm excited.

All right.

Let's call LeAnne. Yeah, let's do it.

Got her picture on the phone looks so good for her.

You're really like...

She looks so good in this picture. Every time I see it, I want to have sex. Look at this picture of her.

This is great. Your call has been forwarded to voicemail. We're going to talk about your FaceTime sexy time, too?

No, not with her. That does not get shared. Okay, okay.

She don't want us to bears. Okay. Think she's watching this?

No, no, no. Speaking of- Yes. -florida, how about FSU getting the snub? Dude.

Okay, can I tell you? I don't know whether or not... They got fucked because they're- They definitely did. -12 and a 0. Thirteen and 0. Thirteen and a 0. Would they have stood a chance against Georgia or Michigan? Well, they're going to play Georgia. Or not Georgia, rather Michigan or all the teams that.

Are above them. Well, here's the thing. Here's the part that I think fucked up about this whole thing. It's like you have... I understand the criticism.

I understand.

The criticism, too. People go on like, Well, the eye test, or they weren't that impressive, and now they're down to a third-string quarter-back and whatever. But you can also criticize Michigan schedule for sure, open to criticism and their whole schedule, what they've done. Alabama is not the Alabama of the last few years at all. They also have a loss. They almost had two more losses. Well, yeah, but that also applies to the eye test, right? You go like, This isn't the Alabama squad that we've been watching. If Alabama pulls this all off, then that makes the criticism of putting them in and leaving FSU out more legit, like if they just have a great playoff run now. But the fucking blatant disrespect of it is crazy to me. It is nuts that you can be 13-0, power-five team. Everyone's going to have their bias and their feelings in this, and that people are going to be for or against what we're saying. But there's an objective truth that FSU is one of the premier brands of college football. Without a doubt. Without a doubt, it's a top 10 brand.

They would never do this to Michigan.

The fact that you can win out and still be like, it honestly just feels like just blatant disrespect.

What's the argument for SCC and the big-.

I don't know what's going to happen. I mean, look- Because that's everything I've heard. -this is the end of this problem, too, which is the fucked up part of it, is that it'll be resolved next year when we expand the playoff. It's going to be way more teams. They're going to be like, Oh, yeah, now it's resolved. This is the end of the four-team playoff. It is what it is in that sense. But it just feels like such bullshit that you can do that. Yeah, the SEC brand, look, that is the strongest one without a doubt. That conference top to bottom is head and shoulders above the other ones. It just is. They keep expanding. This really is the whole thing about the way we view conferences. What is going to be the status now? What does this say for the ACC? What do they do? Because the evidence is clear. They're just saying like, Your conference isn't worth it. What do they do? Do they further expand? Do they all leave that conference? I don't know. The conferences have changed so much over the last decade. There's now, I don't know how many fucking teams are in the big ten.

It's like fucking 20 teams. None of it is what it was. It's all changed. The ones that are strong have gotten stronger.

I like seeing Coach Norville get pissed.

Yeah, it was great. I love it.

It was great. He's a little bit like a robot. He's such a workhorse that even when I saw him at the Florida State game, he was in go mode. He was like, Yeah, good. Enjoy the game.

I like his thoughts. Yeah, he's a great coach, man. He's a.

Great fucking coach.

That, I think, is objective, too. He's a great coach. I don't know, I'm bummed out for him and for those players, that whole organization. As a program, you tell your kids the only way you can get in a championship is win out. They did it. You win out and you get left out. Now, for them, it's all going to be on this game because Georgia is a great team. Fsu's defense has been lights out. They really have been great. To see how they stack up against Georgia and the struggle for them has been on offense and your star quarterback is out and down to a third stringer, but you still managed to win. I don't know. It's all going to be in the results of these games. But here's the thing. Let's say they win. Let's say they beat Georgia. They went 14-0, and they beat the team that won the last two national championships, and then they're just going to get a, Hey, great job. When they should be saying, if they do that, they should be in the conversation for national champs.

It's crazy because it does... With comedy, I get it. When people trash people's special or people celebrate specials that maybe weren't so great, but it was brand-friendly to what that magazine or that company needs to celebrate. I always get that. I've never been bothered by that. Yeah, it's all PR. Golden Globes and all that shit. It's all publicity. I get it. I totally.

Get all of it. For people, they're all publicities.

All your PR. I've never made a list once in my fucking life. I get it. I totally get it. I never have an emotional attachment because it's subjective. But when something like that is objective, it fucking.

Infuriates me. Yeah, you have two one-lost teams in.

The final four. That's why you.

Play the game.

They could have just awarded a national championship at the beginning of the season and been like, No, it doesn't matter. Records don't matter. I wonder, it's what's so cool is, and I do love that, except for the Kelsey Brothers, I love all these sports podcasts.

Yeah, except for theirs.

Well, no, but I love hearing insights like Taylor LeWon's insight on these. I love it too. Dude, Pat McAfee, I know we sucked his dick last episode, but did you see his switch from Georgia to Alabama?

Yeah, I saw it. It was great. And Theo was.

Fucking great on game day. Theo and Lee Courtauld shot up a podcast together called...

Huh? Yeah, it was great, man. It was great.

Theo didn't know any of the fucking teams.

No. He was.

Like, And who are they?

I'll take them. Yeah, he was great in that. That whole thing.

Was great. Theo makes me laugh almost as hard as Cameron and Mace.

Oh, my God. When they talk about fucking back gang-banging chicks, and.

They're talking.

About back.

In the day. If you feel like this podcast has slipped and me and Tom have changed, which is a valid argument, sure, the biggest thing I ever see is bring back Fat Tom.

We just.

Bought a house. If you think we've changed, then I would implore you to add, This is it. It is what it is. It is what it is with Cameron and Mace to your podcast list. It is simply the greatest buddy podcast I've ever listened to in my fucking life.

They.

Told a story. They do the thing that we do sometimes. We're like, I wish we could talk about that. But then they talk about it. Yeah. He said, I wish we could talk about gang-banging bitches. Mays is a preacher.

Yeah.

Starts laughing. Mace starts laughing. Mays starts laughing. Mays' laugh is so contagious, so contagious. Their friendship is so genuine. I tagged them one time in a post about... I loved it so much. I loved it. Mace wrote back, Hey, next time will you please put Mace in front of Cameron instead of Cameron in front of Mace. I was like, Oh, I fucking love these guys. There's a clip of them talking about getting a... I don't know the right way to say it. I don't want to misquote them, but them sharing a worker, a girl who was a little bit of an earner, and Mace's description, Cameron's description and Mace's laughing had me laughing so fucking hard. I was like, I texted you immediately. I said, We need to gang-bang a bitch.

We.

Need more stories like this. We need to do stuff together again when we were younger.

Do you realize what press release would be if there's a house donated to Habitat for Humanity and a gang bang in the same sentence?

Dude, I know the people that own Venus, we can make that happen. Yeah, sure. We could gang bang a bitch and make it fun. Yeah, of course. The best part was that Mace was like, You weren't sucking my dick like you're sucking his dick. I have to say, there's so many podcasts right now.

Would you look at me while it was happening or just focus on her?

You know what? I was told by two comics, I won't say their names, two black comics that- Didn't need to.

Do that.

But okay. Well, no, but it's important in the story because they'd asked me if I'd ever run a train on a chick with my friends. I was like, No. Donnell was like, I think that means you're gay. I was like, What are you talking about? He's like, I can't believe you've never done that. I was like, No, never. I've never had anyone else in the room. I've only been with the one person. He's like, It was just so... No, it doesn't make you gay if you do that. They were just like, That's how it should be. I've heard so many people have talked about having three, or I guess that's a train, really, but I feel like I missed out.

Yeah.

I don't know if I can get hard.

I think that's the big challenge, right?

Yeah, because Cameron and his story said he wasn't hard yet because he's not going to get hard off some bitch, stuck in Mace's dick. Right. I was like, I can see that. Then I guess he got hard.

I guess he did.

What would you do if Cameron was like, Something happens to Christina, she's in a coma, right? Right. But Cameron's like-.

Okay, what's next?

He's like, Oh, you want to go back to fucking Lexington and 34th and gang-bang this bitch?

Okay. Yeah, right? Sure. Now the whole thing is I'd be super nervous walking in that room. I'm definitely not hard.

Walking in. I'm not hard walking in at all. Mace could maybe loosen me up because he's got a little energy to him where he's like, Come on, it's fine. Cameron would be like, Game time.

Dick pills.

For sure though, right? Oh, hardcore.

You've got a few of those. Those Bluetoothes? Yeah, let's go.

Shout out to Bluetooth. That would be a good ad.

Gang Bang? Gang bang with your friends.

Happy Bluetooth. Dude, their podcast is so funny. They talk about basketball. They're really big basketball fans. That's where I first met Camron. Was at a Knicks game. Really? Yeah, I met him and he was with Jim Jones. I geeked out. Ron was with me, my bus driver. Ron was like, Fucking lost this shit. You can tell when a black guy geek out, they get real serious. I get excited and jumpy. I'm like, Shut up, Cameron.

Jim Jones.

Holy shit, Dipset. Oh, my God, I'm such a fan. They don't do that. I told him, I was like, You guys defined my... You were the soundtrack of me moving to New York because that Dipset was just hitting. When I was walking around New York, broke, and you'd hear it on Sundays in everyone's car. Everyone's car was blaring the same couple of songs. It was big pun, Dipset. I told him that, and Cameron, he is cool as fuck. He really is a regular dude who just happened to get into hip hop. But he, I think, texted me. He was going to come to my show, and I was like, Bring any as many people as you want. Then we just kept in touch. I fucking love their podcast is like, I told you it's like listening to podcasts when we were doing them 12 years ago. You were like, I don't think anyone's listening. Sure. They just talk wild shit.

By the way, have you followed the shit Puffs in right now?

I got to be honest with you. All I know is everyone's telling.

Their stories. Everyone. It seems like he's in a world.

Of shit. What did he for real do? I really do not know. I don't know. I heard something about a private plane and chicks and champagne bottles. But I don't know if those were all just hearsay or if it really happened or what was the thing that started it.

Couldn't speak to that either. What I know is that he's being accused of abusing a former, I guess she was a former girlfriend and an artist. I don't know the extent of it. What is crazy is there is nobody who I would hate to beef with or just have him be in his crosshairs than 50 Cent. Because he... Have you gone to his Instagram?

50s? It's always in my feed.

I know, it's phenomenal.

He's the best Instagram.

There are people who say they don't give a fuck. Then there are people who really live that life. All he's been doing is posting Puffy shit.

Over and over. Do you think he doesn't like Puffy?

For sure.

For sure. He texted him and said, I'll buy REVOLT from you. He was like, Can you...

He's doing a documentary on him? I didn't know that.

Wait, where's the one he wrote? He offered... I mean, I would never want 50 Cent against me.

Oh, my God. They're right. This comment is right. Diddy must have tried the Little Boy 50 at one point in his career because he ain't letting it. He's been posting non-stop about 50 every day.

About Diddy.

Sorry, about Diddy. Yes.

Every day. He offered to buy REVOLT. He sent him a private text saying, I'll buy Revolt from you.

Look at his feed, dude. It's puffing every... It's brutal, dude. Oh, my God.

How do you think... Okay, do you.

Think-is that a Diddy R. Kelly face swap? I'm telling you, dude, there's nobody like him.

50 really doesn't give a fuck. Do you think he has a team that works on his tweets and text? Do you think he has a team?

I think he just tells people what he wants. I think he posts this shit himself for sure. I really do. I also think he gets sent a crazy amount of shit.

Oh, I bet. Yeah. I want to know what his text groups look like. Oh, my God. Because he hated J. R. U. '. He ruined J. R. U. 'S career.

Kind of? Yeah. This is like a celebration for him. I mean, Puff must be a real dick to him.

Well, Puff, I don't know him, and I'm definitely not throwing him a hat in the ring, but his posts that I followed on, I had his chat number. You remember those chat numbers you used to get? I would get it. His posts were wildly disconnected.

Really?

Yeah. He'd be by himself in his backyard with a bottle of champagne, just drinking by himself. They seem lonely, in my opinion, but I wish I knew more. I'd be a better podcaster if I research before I talk about things. You're good. It seems like it's... What do you think happens? Do you think you're born that way? Will you take advantage of people? Or do you think that you get so much money and so much power that you just become disconnected from people as humans?

No, I think you can get a lot of money and power and still not be like that.

I heard an interview where Kevin Hart was talking about fame and how there's no drug like fame. That it is all of a sudden, everything you've ever wanted is yours. It was a great podcast with Jay Shetty. I listen to the whole thing. But Kevin Hart, he was very accountable for his past misbehaviors and the car accident. I didn't realize he almost died in.

That car accident. That was a bad one. I remember that. That was in some old school car, right? It was like a 60s.

Or 70s car. He had bought everyone on his tour an old school car, and they're the plastic cup car boys. Yeah. And he took his... I was working right where he was. Was it like Mulholland or something? Yeah, it was up on Mulholland, down in Calabasas. I saw where the wreck happened and it was aggressive. The week after we drove past it and the driver was like, Yo.

I feel like he was stuck in that car, too, if I remember that.

I think he was because I don't think he was wearing a seatbelt and those cars collapse. Kevin Hart had bad luck with health. He tore his abdomen.

I was trying to run a 40 against a former NFL player.

Do you see him try to catch a pun?

No.

Hysterical. Really? I know that he is the biggest comedic actor of our generation. Sure. I think people forget just how silly funny he is. Yeah.

He's just- Great at telling the story. Great at a podcast or a late-night show appearance.

If you get them out of like... Because there's a thing that happens in podcasts, I'm definitely guilty of this, where you start doing podcasts with people and it becomes about your business as opposed to who you are as a comic. I've done a lot. You go in and I was like, I wanted to be funny on this. But everything you asked me is like, How do I mark it?

Yeah, same.

I know. You don't want to not answer those questions or tell them that's not the interview you.

Want to do. No, I've had podcasts like that where the interview is like a business interview.

Then they're like- The majority ones I do. Now sometimes with the podcast, if I bring in young comics, they want to pick my brain on the podcast, and I fucking love talking about myself. I'm fucking just all off to the races. Then they don't say a word and everyone's.

Like, Great podcast. I feel like you really like fame. Do you feel like fame is a drug to you?

No. Really? No, I don't feel it at all. What are you talking about? I don't do access to things. What are you talking about? I think the fame you get when you're younger is different than the fame you get when you're older. Okay. The fame you get when you're older is just a more comfortable bed where you go, Oh, this is nice. But I never hit up anyone to get tickets for things. I'll reach out to my manager and go, Hey, can you see if we can get tickets I can't get? But we went to- Isn't that exactly what you- No, but I don't go like, I need backstage access. I need this. I need that. Oh, I got you. We went to Metallica and I just bought tickets. It's much easier for me to buy tickets because also what happens for me is if I get tickets for something, I'm working. So the Flyers game. Totally cool. I'm at the Wells Fargo Center the next night, but I realized that was a work trip. I didn't really even drink. But at the thing, I'm like, I got to take my shirt off. I'm going to kill a beer.

There's one beer I drank. I got to throw T-shirts. I got to do a thing with griddy. I got to... So it's like...

You're not just chilling.

If you ask for the thing, they'll give it to you, but you have to work. Someone like Kevin Hart, he asked for it, and he doesn't work. I never experienced his fame. My fame is like, People recognize you on an airplane, and then they're like, Can I get a picture? You're like, Yeah, cool. But never like, I don't have like... I don't know. I'm not like, Going into a club going all on her. That's what I think he was talking about. His thing was, I'm paraphrasing, obviously, but when he cheated on his wife, he was like, I'll never get caught because I'm Kevin Hart. He said this, and I'm paraphrasing, so I'm apologizing if I'm misspeaking, but he said that, I am not that guy. I am definitely like, Oh, no. If I get caught, I will get caught. I will get caught. If I cheat on the end, I will get caught, and I'll lose everything.

Okay.

If I drink and drive, I don't drink and drive.

Because- You've.

Never done that. I will say that. I have done it in my life.

Well, yeah, but I'm saying in your adult life that I've done- My.

Adult life.

-as a grown man, you've always had a ride.

Yeah. I don't ask people for drugs. Certain things that are the enticing thing when you're young and famous, which I'm sure is going to be the problematic thing that happens with guys like Shia La Bluff and fucking Timothée Chalamet and all those crazy things. What it must have been like to be Mark Wallberg at a young age. I don't get any of that. I just get more getting recognized. I get free barbecue sometimes, beers. I haven't paid for a beer in a long time. Cool. That's good. Yeah, but that's.

The- A free meal is a sweet perk.

But no, even still. Even still. When they give shoe stores, they'll always go like, They're on us. I'm like, No, because I go, I'm here to support your business. I can't have you be upside down, giving me shoes. You can give me a discount, but don't comp it. I'll pay for that, and I'll pay for team stores. When we go to arenas, we go to the team store. Every time we go to the team store, anyone on the crew gets whatever they want from the team store, and I always pay. A lot of times I'll be like, Don't worry, we got it. I'll be like, Listen, be careful because I'm going to be shopping like I want stuff. I'm going to buy stuff. I'm sure I'm being hypocritical. I'm sure people can point out a million times that I've abused my fame. But I try to like in old restaurants.

Your answer just gave me anxiety.

I know, I'm getting anxiety.

I was like, Yes, it was so intense. I was just like, What do you think of fame? I'm holding onto the.

Fucking table. What do you think of fame?

I think that there's a double edged sword to it. I also think that you have perspective on fame when you have a degree of it. When you have some fame, you understand that there are levels to fame.

Oh, yeah.

We have friends that are far more famous than us.

That people are always trying to get. I think that's put things in perspective, too.

It puts it in perspective.

Every time anyone wants to give you something, it's so they can get to Logan.

A lot of times.

It's that. A lot of times. I've realized I do not have access to Logan that way. I cannot get you, Logan, and I won't do it.

I mean, just as an example, I'm at the USC, and these people wave me over. They all wanted pictures. But one of them was like, Can I get a picture? I go, Sure. I did like 25 of them or something. Then she's like, Can you get Joe to come over here? I was like, No. She was like, Please. I was like, It's not going to happen. No. She's like, Will you ask him? I go, Sure. I go back over there and I see her. She's like, I look at him and I go, The person over there wants you to... He was like, He laughed. I was like, Yeah, he's not going to come up and go over to you. But yeah, people want to... They also like, Will you tell him stuff? All that stuff.

Even with gifts. I get gifts given to me and they're like, I made one for Joe. I'm like, Cool. Looks like I got two. Thank you very much. I love these cutting boards.

Yeah, I mean, here's the best part of fame is that sometimes there's just these perks that are actually honestly really desirable and make life just easier in a moment. Like a restaurant, literally have been to restaurants where they go like, Sorry, and then just show your face or say your name and they go, Actually, we.

Can accommodate you. Oh, I've shown my face before.

So that part you go like, That's pretty amazing. I would say that's a great perk.

We went to parents' weekend, and this is one thing I've gotten comfortable with is we went to parents weekend and traffic was closed off, and I was like, It's okay, just pull up. The guy's like, They're not letting me in. I go, It's going to be fine. I just rolled my window down and the guy was like, Oh, shit, the machine. I was like, What's up? I was like, We're trying to get in there. He's like, Come on in. I've done that a lot. I did it at the Bucks game, as a matter of fact. I said to the guy, Just don't worry. Just throw in my face. You'll be fine.

That's a perk. That's a perk. Here's the thing to be fair about what... I'm talking about the degree of fame that I experience is that most of the time it's just people being extra nice to you. Yeah, that's it. How are you going to complain about that? It's literally just people saying hi. They tell you things. I love the special. I listen to the podcast, and I'm a big fan. That's a nice thing. If you're not famous and people would come up to you every day and be like, Big fan. I mean, it does. It's a nice thing to hear.

The lady on the flight today, I was flying in and she said, I asked for a coffee on the flight.

Look at you.

Dude, I've changed so much.

I don't know what you're I.

Don't recognize you. I know. I said, Can I get a coffee? She went, Sure. She said, I know you. You fly this flight a lot. I said, No, I actually never fly at United. She said, But I know you. I didn't know the right way to do it, so I just cut the chase. I go, I'm famous. She went, No. I went, No, that's why you know me. You probably see me on TikTok or something. She goes, I don't have TikTok. I went, Well, I know, but it's- Netflix? I said, Do you have Netflix? She goes, Yeah. I said, I have five specials on Netflix. I have a movie on Netflix. She went, No, you're fucking with me, aren't you? I went, No. She goes, You're messing with me. I was like, Okay. I was like, Yeah, I don't know what to say. She gave me my coffee and I sit down. Then she comes back, she has me up on Netflix. She goes, Hey, wait, you weren't lying. I was like, Why would I lie? I don't know. I need to cut to the chase because I just want the coffee. I'm double thinking that maybe I should get a Jack on the rocks.

But that's the weirdest part is when people know... I think this happens to me more than you, but people know me but don't know why they know me. I feel like I'm more recognizable because I put myself out there so much.

Also, I don't feel like people would see you and be like, You look like this guy, Bert. They just know you're Bert.

A lot of people are Brett or Right.

But they know that that's you. I get a ton of them, they're like, Do you know who you look like? They're sincere. Really? I'm like, Who? They're like, There's a comedian. You look just like him. I was like, Oh, yeah, that's my cousin. They're like, Oh, really? Yeah. Then they just walk away.

This lady got on the plane last week, and I'm sitting next to this dude, not drinking, and she walks by. She works for the airline. She walks by and she goes, leans over the guy and she goes, I just need you to... She was doing a jump seat. I might have told you this story before. She was in a jump seat. She was a flight attendant. She was like, I just need to tell you that you guys saved my life over the pandemic. Over the pandemic, I wasn't working. I was like, It was rough.

She's like, You're Jason Kelsey, right?

Yeah. She goes, You saved my life. Literally, I keep doing what you're doing. I love you. That's super sweet. It was really great. The guy next to me goes, after five minutes, goes, All right, I got to ask what you do. I was just like, I'm a doctor. He was like, Really? I went, Yeah.

I helped a lot of people during the pandemic.

Yeah, I'm a doctor that flies in Lululemon tracksuits and has a new on every flight.

I incubated about 100,000 people during the pandemic.

I'm a vaxer.

I jab a lot of people.

What are we going head to head with Kelsey is about? That's what I was going to ask you. We need to do a meet-up with them. We should schedule something soon and then go big for the Super Bowl.

Maybe what we should do is talk to them about what it is, and of course, exclude anything physical.

Yes.

It cannot be running, jumping, weightlifting.

I don't know, jumping. Yeah, jumping. Don't do jumping. No, don't do that. Yeah, it's not your strong suit.

Mine, how about the fact that they're fucking professional athletes? Do you think you can.

Out-jump them? I almost swallowed my zen. Then what are we going head to head in?

I can still jump... By the way. I can do higher than you.

By the way. Sidebar? No, you can't.

Yes, I can't.

Do you want to do a thing? Not now. I don't want to see it happen again.

It's not going to.

Happen again.

Sidebar. I'll out-jump you.

You think you can out-jump me? For sure. How much do you weigh right now?

205. You're 205? Yeah.

It's so funny. You look so much bigger. Really?

I'm 205, but for sure I can out-jump you.

Whose stomach do you think is smaller? What do you mean? Like, if you measured it. I measure my body. I don't know. I have to measure. It's the only way I can tell that I'm losing weight because I'm getting so muscular. So muscular. I took a great nude photo of myself today.

Today? Today. Here?

I know on the bus. I look good getting out of the shower. I was like, That's not just for me. That's for anyone that wants it.

Who did you send it to?

Leanne.

Post it. You can do it on Twitter.

I'll just edit out my dick. I'll do a rose beef challenge. I'll be like, I look so good, and they'll just drop it in my dick and be like, I fucking love hot dogs.

I.

Love a nice hot dog in your mouth. All right, Kelsey is coming up.

What do you think? What do you think, though? What challenge? Here's the thing, and it can't be cerebral because I'm not about Travis, but Jason's really smart.

Sidebar, we skated over Jason's wife. We did? Yeah, we didn't even talk about it. We talked about Travis's chick. Jason's wife is one bad motherfucker.

Yeah.

She's beautiful. No, she's beautiful. But she is like... I just saw... I started watching. You ever see the clip when he wants to bring his kids to the Super Bowl? She's like, No fucking way. We're not spending $4,000 so she could see the Super Bowl. He's like, Do you want to go to Super Bowl? She's like, Are you in it? He's like, Yeah. She's like, Yeah. He's like, We're going to take you to the Super Bowl. She is a fucking awesome. She had to be a collegiate athlete.

I think she was. She had to be. I think.

She was. She is beautiful.

They might have met at school.

Or something. I can be honest with you.

Yeah.

What if we could pit their chicks against each other? What if we bringing our wives in this? No, no, no, no, no. That's a bad call.

Dude, we have to hedge. What could we possibly be better at them?

Reading out loud?

Reading out loud? Yeah. But again, Jason's a reader, I think. He's got a degree or something. Oh, for real? Yeah.

We'll be at eating contest, Jason will smoke us.

Fuck, yeah, he will.

I'm just keto right now.

Drink? Drinking? We could.

Fuck them up drinking.

You.

Think so? Yeah. Oh, wait. I saw a clip of Jason, Kelsey. He can drink 24 beers.

Let's not do beers. Let's do vodka or something.

That's my sweet spot.

I can.

Drink some vodka. Fucking they'll watch me sprint on a horse. The symbiotic motion of my neck and the horse's neck going the same fucking time.

We got to get away from physical shit, man.

There's got to be... They can raise more money and charity than us.

Really?

Oh, yeah. Because of the fucking Taylor. We could...

Yeah, he does things.

What's.

Something? Okay, think about this. No, when Travis does... I'm in his 30s now. He's got all these Taylor fans. Some guy, the tight end for the... Who did they play yesterday or something? Ran off the sidelines and fell. Then he just extended his hand and picked him up. Then that trended and it was all Taylor fans being like, This is why I love him.

Like I said, nice. They pulled up his old tweets and he was like, He likes dogs. Is there anything better than a dog? Wouldn't have been great for you? It's like you've got to be good people. I have great tweets in our background instead of what we have.

We should see if we- Mine aren't so good.

I have a period of Twitter where I just thought it was a place you took shits and posted those.

Yeah, a lot of jiz stuff.

It's pretty bad. All right, so it can't be anything with our past. It's got to be something current. It's a dancing competition.

I think-.

You think they can dance?

I think Travis can. He's dated a lot of black chicks.

Really? Yeah. Fuck, I haven't dated any.

I hooked up with one.

The one that couldn't swim? Yeah. Chicken dance. I thought you hooked up with her. You saved her from drowning.

Shout out to Tia. Oh, shit.

You have to be a real Two Bars fan to remember that story. We got to think of something.

They're going to come with an idea.

No, they're not. Yeah, they are. No, they're going to be like this. Hey, guys. Big fans. Let's do something fun.

Yeah, they're going to be like curls. They're going to come up with something. We're going to be like, na, na, na. We're going to be like- Push-ups? You don't want to fucking do a push-up contest with them.

Yeah. Hold your breath.

Yeah.

I bet we could hold them now. They're probably our great lungs.

Yeah, also they'll die doing it.

You know what I mean? Yeah. Hey, guys, get in our comments and leave comments of what you think the challenge should be.

Let us know. But think.

Of us. Yeah, lean it towards us.

Come on, be serious.

You should have seen the comments when I was like, I'm about to interview my childhood hero. Yeah. He's going to be on the podcast. Everyone's like, I can't wait to see Hitler.

Oh, yeah. Where has he been?

Not one person guessed it.

No. Doug Williams. Yeah, Doug Williams. I didn't guess that either.

Yeah. God damn it, man. What do we have that they don't have?

What about trivia? I mean, it's possible. I really think that's probably-.

Like a newlywed contest?

Like that thing or a Jeopardy style.

Where you have to have a partner, pictionary, or something like that. Now you're.

Thinking right. I think- Yeah, and here's the thing.

I bet they've never had their Cox tethered together with electrodes. We've done that.

Yeah, we have.

Cameron and Mace are going to want to know on this.

Yeah, they're going to be like, Yo, yo, your dicks are out. Holla at your boy. Kill a camp.

What about writing a Christmas song?

Writing a song? He's got a little leg up on songwriting.

Fucking shit.

I know. I think it's like, do you know your buddy? Do you know your partner? It's a game like that. We're brothers, Tom. I know.

But- We're brothers. Yeah. They share everything. We should do couples therapy and really empty on our boats. We need to get ready for this. Yeah, we do. This is happening. We got to bring some ideas.

To the table. That's what I'm saying. Okay. Forget physical. It definitely has to be something that you-.

It's got to be talent-wise. It's got to be something that we shot talent-wise, like singing or dancing or acting out a scene from a movie or-.

We're going to have to tact out scenes?

I don't know. Broke back mountain. Let's see if he'll spin on his cock and put it in his brother's ass. I'll do it to you. Or you can do it to me, whichever way you.

Want to be. Okay, I'll take that one.

Surfing? No, nothing physical. It's got to be talent-wise because we can really razzle-dazzle the group, especially on a stage if we're doing it at the Super Bowl. If we meet with them and they're up to doing a big co-event at the Super Bowl, and then we have crowds singing the national anthem or something really fucking epic.

Yeah, I don't know that they can sing.

I don't think.

They can. Can you sing?

Come on.

Well, you said that.

Like-i have the best singing voice in the world. I'm like, if I had not been a stand-up comedian, I would be a frontman. A karaoke contest.

Now you're thinking that's a long-air guitar.

Air guitar, air banding. We're air band. We roller skating. Something that's just something they haven't done in a while that we can really practice while they're playing in their professional football season. Okay. And we can bring the fucking thunder. What we want, what we really want is the viral clip of us beating them, and everyone just going, They're undeniable. They're undeniable. Right. It'll be huge. Then they'll do theirs, and then people will laugh and repost theirs. Then all the Swifties will be like, He's so great. Don't you love a guy who can't sing? Yeah, of course. But then me and you will belt fucking...

What genre of music are you best at singing?

Sadly, a lot of 90s shit. Like rock? Yeah, rock. I'm a great folk artist. You're a great folk artist. Irish folk, the Pogues. Falk? Falk.

You mean folk? Falk. Okay.

It was nick Falk, right?

I don't know.

Then the other quarterback for the Eagles, nick Falk.

Oh, the Big Dick.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, we can... What are you pulling up? I love it. Nick Falk.

Yeah. Nick Falk, penis, though.

You've been doing jiu-jits. It's got to be a real talent show.

Type Penis. How big, see? How big Dick nick got his nickname.

Is that him now?

Oh, shit. Yeah.

Yeah, it's got to be some talent contest. Okay. Some talent show. Some like, You can play the piano. You know what? We just got to come in like step brothers. Yeah.

Yeah, we do. We got to fucking put them in their place, dude.

If we do original songs, and we got to trust that they're not going to lean in on the biggest singer-songwriter of our generation. You trust that? No. You know he's going to be like, Taylor, write me.

One real quick. Yeah. She's going to.

Just write- She'll be like, Two fat fucks.

Think they got us like the Eagles versus the Bucks.

One's gay and one's retarded. Wait, what?

Wait, is that about them or us?

I think it's us. It'd be cool if she wrote a really meat and song.

That'd be amazing. And just destroyed us and then the Swifty's turned against her. And then when they started following us, and they're like, Those aren't real.

I'm not going to.

Let two.

Beat up to Kelsies. We're like, Yo, what?

These two guys are like, I'm not sure I want to do this contest anymore. Okay, make sure you believe in them. See if they can suck their own dicks.

All right. Well, we know what's coming up. What's coming up? We're going to talk to them.

Let's recap the episode. This has been a crazy episode.

It's been fun.

In this episode, Tom did the majority of talking. Did I? It was aggressive.

I don't know. The booth.

Way in or that. What do you guys think? 50-50? It's better than what? 80-20, right? It was evening out. Okay, good. We donated a house for Habitat for Humanity. I made you? We tried Russian zines.

Those are.

Not zines. They're fucking not Zins.

I held my shit for well over an hour.

I'm sweating aggressively. Yeah. I have barbecue waiting for me.

Cool.

It's on with the Kelsies.

Cool. Let's do it, man.

They clap back. We heard their clap. Everyone check out Mason Cameron. Yeah. It is what it is. I love you.

I love you, too, man. We'll see you guys next week.

Bert, Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and.

Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell, but they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two bears, one cave.