I killed about 10,000 Chinese and North Koreans.

He'd be like, you want to hear a story? Yeah, sure.

There's a way you could pull out a man's eyeball and show himself like Amir. I used to do that.

He's like, your grandpa's wild, dude.

Fucking crazy, right?

Hundred percent.

This episode of Two Bears one cave is presented by NASCAR. The 2024 season is officially underway, and this week, NASCAR is heading to Atlanta. Make sure to tune in on Sunday, February 25, at 03:00 p.m. Eastern on Fox. It's pretty wild that good friend Burt Kreischer is actually locked up right now. He's doing a little bit of time. Hopefully his legal matters resolve themselves. He's working hard. I know that he has the best attorneys you can hire. He's got a lot of health trouble, so they're taking care of him in, I guess, the medical ward of the jail. But sitting in his place today, really happy to have Duncan Trussell. The great Duncan Trussell is here, everybody.

Hi. Thoughts go out to Burt. Tough in there, man.

Have you ever been arrested?

Oh, I was in jail for a while.

Were you in jail?

Yes.

Where were you in jail?

Tennessee.

No shit.

Yeah, it was horrible, dude.

How long?

A couple years.

No shit.

Yeah.

Was it a rural or, like a city kind of setting?

Well, I mean, when you're in the clink, it doesn't matter. You kind of forget what's around you.

Did you really, like, I don't mean this to sound, but do you kind of get white power a little more when you're locked up?

Well, I know. Yeah. That's a very common question, and that's certainly an option when you're locked up. But people don't understand. There's lots of other options. That's just one of really. Clubs.

Yeah. What were you drawn to? Satanists.

Yeah. And there's also crossover there. I would recommend, like, do some time, and then you get a taste for what it's like a. It's not as bad, right, as people say. Lots of fun. You make friends for life.

Yeah. That's one of your boys. Yeah.

And it's not so bad. I hope I don't get people in trouble here, but part of the deal when you go in there is you're supposed to seem like you're suffering. It's supposed to seem horrible. It's a deterrent, sure. But when you get in after a couple of weeks, the guards take you aside and like, hey, just please don't.

Let people know that it's great here. That.

It's great here. So I'm probably going to get some shit for saying that. Yeah, they've got ball pits, dude.

Danny Brown, the first time I podcasted with him, he was like, jail was one of the best times I've ever. Yeah, he's like, friends. He's had the, like, people always like, jail food, but he's like, yeah, we made food, and the food we made was awesome.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Gourmet meals every, like, there are three chefs locked up with us. No shit. Yeah.

And they're making shit out of, like, towels and fucking scraping things off of the toothbrush. And you're like, we can use it as a knife, but also, these can be flakes for this.

If you are cooking with human flesh, which is very difficult to cook with.

Yeah.

One of the chefs got locked up for some kind of cannibalism bullshit. I'm telling you, after you've cooked with human meat, you can make anything.

Really?

Because. Yeah, I didn't know this, obviously, but, yeah, apparently, like, human meat is really a difficult meat to cook. Really burns.

I think it's so crazy when people make a big deal out of eating human flesh when there's no other options. It's like, well, what are you supposed to remember when that plane crashed in the andes? I think it was, like, in Argentina or something. This is, like, 40 plus years ago. And everyone's like, yeah, they ate the dead bodies. And you're like, yeah, there's nothing else to eat.

What are you going to eat?

What are you going to eat? I'd eat my friend. I'd eat my family.

Yeah. It's the way they torture themselves over whether or not they should eat their friend.

Yeah.

But I would want my friends to eat me.

Right.

That shit gets me hard just thinking.

About it, man, like, consuming you. Yeah. Where would you start? On you? What do you think is tasty on you?

I'm going to go, like, probably love handles ribs. I don't know, man.

I think my ribs are tasty, dude.

All right. Yeah, you know what?

There's some meat, but there's also some fat. And it's like when you are having a steak or rit, like, you want the combination of the two.

It's like wagyu.

Yeah, it'd be delicious.

It'd be delicious.

Lots of marbling.

You've been eating great food, healthy food. Yeah, I bet your ribs would be great. I'm just going love handles for the same reason I like a little fat in the meat.

Sure.

So I think I would start with my love handles. And also because it's love handles. It's like, I loved you. Go for that handle.

And then your friends are know. They're like, duncan was. This is Duncan. He was awesome.

Yeah, that's cool. I would definitely do that. They're going to grow, know lab grown human meat because they're already growing steaks. They're growing meat now.

God, that's so wild.

It's so wild. Meaning you could just grow human flesh and then. Is that still cannibalism? If it was just grown in a.

I don't think that counts the same.

I don't think so either.

I think it's just a delicacy. I think you're just lucky mcdonald's.

How long.

How long till they start serving human flesh? Human nuggets. And do you take a sauce or do you just go, no sauce because you want the pure? Right? Like, if you have a waggy steak, you don't pour a one on it.

Tears. Because once we get to the point where we're growing human flesh, we could theoretically also grow tear ducts and extract tears. Putting that in the sauce. Human mcnuggets with human tears.

Jesus, did. I bet you would be an awesome satanic leader inside. You know what I mean? Like, in would. If I met you in jail, I would be like, yeah. What? He says, sure.

Thank you. Yeah, thank you. Because it's not easy. I bet, dude. Our leader, man, it's like assassination attempts every fucking day. Then there's this other group that's like, also satanists, but they believe different things than we did. They curse him all the time. So you're getting cursed constantly. Like, he would wake up blind. His face had lesions on it at one point.

Wow.

Yeah. Horrible shit, man. Yeah, it's really a rough position to get yourself into, but it's also a lot of power and a lot of fun.

You make me want to go to jail.

Go to jail. I mean, go to jail. It's not that hard to do in America. And, yeah, once you're there. Oh, my God, that smell. I'll never forget that smell. Like human sweat and eucalyptus and bleach altogether. Yeah. When I smell that now, it's like I just think of those times, man, at the pull up bars with my bros, lifting weights, throwing curses.

Were you probably in the best shape of your life?

I was fucking ripped.

Yeah, ripped every day, all day. Just doing.

Had to.

Calisthenics. Yeah.

The guy had to fuck to protect me. Made me work out really? Yeah.

A lot of people don't know I didn't fuck a guy, but I had to let a guy perform oral sex on me to get my first special. A lot of people don't know that.

Oh, yeah, the classic.

Yeah.

Oh, my God, man. Yeah. It's so funny. I guess the thing that's curious. I know people are starting to talk about the initiations and stuff.

Sure.

I just assume this was sort of public knowledge.

People are still, like, wowed by it.

Yeah. They're freaked out by it, which is just. Everyone knows this is what happened.

I thought. Yeah. It's like, hello, Christopher Columbus, 1492. I thought everybody knew it.

I had to drink a flagging of semen just to get a commercial agent. I didn't even book a commercial. And I went out for maybe 100 commercial auditions, and I had to drink a lukewarm flagging of fucking jizz.

Really?

Yes. It was horrible.

I had a different commercial initiation. I was strung but upside down.

Yeah.

And it was a red room. You're always in a red room. Red room, ton of candles. Right. And then you felt it getting warm. You're like, is the heat on? And they're like, no, there's a fire below you. And you're like, oh, shit. And then in the morning, you're just like. You're so much sweat pouring off. You're naked. Right. And then these men come in the room and they basically. They touch you. For me, it wasn't like that much of. I guess you could say it was sensual. More than sexual.

Yeah.

But when I left the room, I had an agent. You know what? Pretty. And I got a Sony commercial.

I think this is why you're doing theaters.

Yeah.

Because I just drank a flag and a come. And I love that I'm doing clubs and stuff, but I feel like if I've been invited into the red room. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. The red rooms are like. They're notorious. But I'm surprised that people who. They say they're really into Hollywood and entertainment, that this is news to them. I'm like, I thought this was all everybody knew about this.

Well, it's in plain sight.

Yeah.

I mean, they put all the symbols in the trailers. It's predictive. O it's obvious. It's right there. I mean, the kingdom of.

Going. I'm going. So I just got offered a movie role.

What'd you do?

Well, that's the thing. They go, do you want to do it? And I'm like, I think so. And then they go, all right, well, you have to come to LA. So they're like, that's big. The process is going to begin once I go. And they said, give 72 hours, like the standard kind of time, but I think it's going to be a little more dialed up. Red room if it's for a movie part, because it's the lead in the movie.

You know, when every time I did drunk history.

Yeah. Great show.

I'd wake up at around 02:00 a.m. With a pit bull's dick in my mouth.

Really?

They sent it into my window. It was trained. It would go and just mount my face while I was sleeping. And the first time, it freaked me. Obviously, it freaked me out. Pit bulls are scary.

They're aggressive.

This one was very sweet. It just wants you to suck its dick. And then when it climaxed, it would go back out the window. That was the first time. And who do you even tell about that? Nobody's going to believe you.

But then you're on tv, dude.

Well, that morning I get a call and it's like, hey, you're going to do drunk history.

Wow.

I didn't make the connection, right? But then a year later, wake up with a dog's dick in my mouth, just thrusting. And like, that time, I was like, oh, okay.

I know what's happening.

I know what's going to happen tomorrow. Boom. Drunk history the next day.

Dude, that's incredible.

Yeah, it's cool. And, yeah, I wish that people weren't so hard on the traditions and rituals of cultures they don't understand. Yeah, you got to open yourself up to the fact that we live on a very large planet and people have different ways of connecting with.

Well, you know, I was just in Asia, and guess what happens when I get back from Asia? I begin an arena tour. Well, I didn't know that the whole initiation starts in Asia.

Oh, fuck.

Yeah, it's pretty fucking intense.

What was it?

Well, there's this whole thing that people think that monks live this kind of celibate, quiet lifestyle where they're like one with nature and they've kind of released themselves from all the trappings of our life. And what you realize when you're with monks is that they're all just sexual deviants. So I'm up in the hills, kind of near Mount Fuji, and I'm visiting these monks, thinking that, oh, we're going to be quiet and just kind of one with nature. No speaking. I mean, I was jacking guys off. I was eating guys asses out. But then as soon as I land here, they're like, hey, you're doing 25, 30 arenas worth it. I'm like, this is crazy. And the monks talk shit to you. You think they're going to be quiet?

No, they're cruel.

Yeah, they're really cruel. You ever seen those videos where they hit themselves in the genitals?

Yes.

That's how far they are in that. When you're a kid, you see a girl in a bikini and you get aroused, right? And these guys have done so much wild shit that they punch themselves in the dick just to get blood flowing.

That's their Viagra?

Yeah, that's their Viagra.

Yeah. It's a natural Viagra. But you learn something.

You do.

You learn something. You walk away from a situation like that, a better man.

Totally.

And with an arena tour, you have to ask yourself, isn't it worth it? Isn't it worth it? Wouldn't you do anything for success? Anything at all?

Wouldn't you fuck twelve bald guys?

Why not? Yeah. I'll tell you this. I'd rather fuck twelve bald guys, have a pit bull mount my face, ejaculate my mouth than work at TSA 100%.

And guess what? And all of them are like, oh, what kind of gay shit are you doing to get these parts? And you're like, all of it. I'm doing all the fucking.

All of it? Yeah, all of it. And I don't know, this whole distinction between straight and gay, it kind of goes away once you've had a flag and a come, a dog dick in your mouth, monks banging you all night long in the himalayas. You're just like, what am I?

What am I?

What is any of us? We're just a thing, man. Don't label me. I don't know what I am, exactly. Yeah.

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This episode of Two Bears one cave is brought to you by NASCAR. The NASCAR season is officially underway, and this week, NASCAR is heading to Atlanta to rip up some laps in the peach state. The Daytona 500 was intense, but these drivers aren't taking their foot off the gas. With one race down and drivers still working out the off season rust, this is truly anyone's race to win. Watch the stars of NASCAR like Denny Hamlin and Chase Elliott, as they look to lock up an early season win and secure themselves a spot in the NASCAR playoffs. When it's this early in the season, competition is at an all time high and securing a playoff spot is all that matters. Once you get locked in on what's going on in NASCAR, you're gonna become a hardcore fan. It is so intense. It is so much fun. You have to watch a race. If you've never checked out NASCAR, make sure to call some friends, crack open some beers, and tune in to the NASCAR Cup Series race on Sunday, February 25 at 03:00 p.m. Eastern on Fox. I also feel like people that don't do that shit, it's like, are you even experiencing life at all?

You know what I mean? If you're not having sex with animals or spending time with an ancient group of men who have been obviously, like, these guys living at the base of Mount Fuji, they know a thing. Or, yeah, you go there and you're like, introduce me to things I haven't been exposed to yet. And then, yeah, they're beating you. And they kept calling me Michelle. I don't know. They just picked a girl's name, but I liked it.

That's actually a very sweet name.

Yeah.

The time I interacted with the monks, it was not overseas. These were western monks. And so the hardest part, everything was big. Like, they have giant dicks because they can. It's Qi or something. Apparently, you can actually extend the size of your phallus through various practices.

I'm getting a procedure.

You're going to get yours extended.

Can you put that on the screen, Zolo?

It's dangerous.

I'm excited. I don't know, man. Can you put his email up.

Sure.

Yeah. Thanks.

I'm excited to see this.

So this just came in today. Can you read some of that for out loud?

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It's such a shady market. Yeah.

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See your dick 100%? Yeah.

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I mean, here's the thing, man. I'm excited, because the way that the monks do it is like. I just think it's kind of like a little beyond my. It's like when you meet someone that went to MIT and they tell you how they advanced in their studies, and you go, you know what? I need a tutor.

Yes.

And that's what I feel like this is. It's like hiring a cause. Like, I'm not going to be able to do. They have know, and they're suspended in the air, and you're like. And there's a bear, like, pulling them down. You're like, holy.

Stretching bear.

The stretching bear is like, what the fuck?

They. And the stretching bear, because, again, you stand in line. So, like, in front of you, it's like, whoever I'm just throwing out in the Arsenio hall or whatever. And you're standing in line, everyone's about to get a new deal. And you see the stretching bear come out. Yeah, bears are terrifying. You watch the stretch. You watch the scrotum stretch, the way they start. And when I saw it the first time, it went perfectly. It actually extended the penis. The next dude, I will mention no names, ripped his balls off.

But it's important to say this because a lot of people don't realize it is not because the bear pulls too hard, it's because that person isn't prepared for that pull. The bear knows exactly how to do it. So you never blame the bear for a tear?

Never.

You actually blame the person themselves, right, for being torn.

Yeah. Drive all blames into oneself. And the thing is, the bear senses fear. So if you're even slightly afraid when it comes to stretch you with those claws, it's going to fucking rip your balls off. Rip them right off. That's true.

I've seen testicles thrown all over the floor. It's disgusting.

The bear slips when he comes in on the scrotum.

So much blood.

So much blood. And this stench of torn scrotum in that dark room.

I can't wait for fallow Phil. I don't know if I'm ready for just a direct injection, but I'm going to explore all.

That's what.

I don't know. I don't even know. This is literally. This just came in. This just came in. So I don't know.

I've heard about this new treatment that I'm interested in. It keeps your penis the same size, but it shrinks you down. So instead of having to worry about getting injections into your penis, your penis will remain the same size, but it's relative to the size of your body, so lose like three or 4ft.

That's kind of cool.

You have a big dick.

That's pretty cool. I know, because I'm doing the hand enlargement thing this summer. So they break all the bones in your hands and they put these kind of spacers in there and you get like, really big hands, man.

When I see a man with big hands, I know. It's like I could trust you. We're going to be friends.

Yeah. This guy's a boss.

I know. You see a man with tiny little.

Hands.

Oh, those you tickling tentacles. Get out of here. Little handed man.

Your little toddler hands.

How? Baby hands. Fucking stupid fucking little tiny, little fleshy spider.

Wait till you see me after the summer. I'm going to have huge hands. I'm going to have a fallow Phil Girthy dick.

God damn, man. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Because I feel like in our society, there's all this taboo against changing what you are, who you are, how you are and go for it, man. I say go for it. Do whatever you want.

Thank you.

Take your ears off.

Yeah. I like when I see somebody who's done all the. They call it extreme things, but they have horns coming out of their head.

Beautiful.

I love it.

Beautiful.

Saw somebody who did all black eyeballs.

Beautiful.

Yeah. I think it's rad.

It's rad. You're going to be the character, like in a video game, any good video game, you can alter your character at some point in the game because you realize this isn't who I am anymore. I designed the character to be, like, obese, sure. Which I do in every game. You see how fat you can make. Then you realize, I don't want to be running around in this body anymore. So you want to shrink it down, change the gender.

I can't wait. The cool thing about if you do all black eyeballs, it is irreversible. So you live that way forever, which I think is cool because somebody looks at you and they just see dark black eyes. No color, no expression is shown.

Yeah, it's like the night.

It's like the night, exactly. You're staring into the night.

It's a beautiful thing.

I like it.

I love it, man. Yeah. The only thing I worry about that I know sometimes they go blind, but.

That'S also a new experience.

Well, yeah, I guess that gives your nose and ears a chance to become stronger.

When I was in high school, I remember I was standing on the sidelines during a game, and one of the coaches, he wasn't really a coach. He was a player's dad, who was, I think he was just giving money, need of the program. So they let him stand on the sidelines. And I'm just standing there. He's like, oh, I didn't see you there. And I go, you didn't see me here? He's like, oh, you're standing next to my blind eye. I go, what are you talking about? He goes, well, this is a glass eye. And I go, what? He goes, you didn't know that? I go, how the fuck would I know that? And he goes, yeah. And I go, what do you. That's not a glass eye. He reaches in, and he pulls his eye out, and he drops it. He's like, oh, fuck. He's like, that's like a $3,000 eye. Don't fucking. Don't move. And then I'm just looking at his dead eye. And I was like, holy shit, man.

Holy shit.

And then we got to get on the ground and kind of rummage through the grass, and he's like, there, give me that fucking.

Give me that eye.

And then he popped it right back in. I'm like, you don't want to clean that thing first. Popped it right back in, and it was so well made that you didn't notice any difference when he talked to you or when he looked at you.

Okay, so in the world of conspiracy theories.

Yeah.

This is actually very creepy, and I don't know what to think of it. But you know that guy Jimmy Seville? You ever heard of him?

I have heard of that.

He's somebody from the UK. He's like, I guess kind of like the Jeffrey Epstein of the UK.

But there's a documentary about this guy.

Well, this guy would wear rings that had glass eyes on them.

That's cool.

And Epstein apparently had a wall of glass eyes and they.

What?

Used glass. They want to get glass eyes that have been in people's know. Yeah, there it is.

Oh, man.

Glass eyes stolen from corpse by Jimmy's.

See, so the thing about this guy is he was, like, celebrated there for being, like, this really kind of, like, philanthropic type, I think. Right? And it turns out he was a major pedophile.

Yes.

Or as my dad was a pedia. He said it every time. And I go, what the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with you?

Somehow it makes it sound worse, though.

Yeah. He goes, the guy's a pediatric. I go, do you mean pet? And he go, yeah, because why are you saying it wrong?

Pedialite. He's thinking of pedialite. But, yeah, look. Did you see that eye, dude? Look at that crazy eye, man, that was inside someone's head.

Fucking eh.

And he's just wearing it on tv.

Dude, how dark can someone's soul really be? Like, look at this fucking guy. This guy.

Yeah, dude.

This is what evil on earth really looks like.

That's what it looks like.

It looks like this.

Yeah.

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And they like glass eyes. Now, I might be wrong about the Epstein thing, but I'm pretty sure I read that in his house there's a creepy wall of glass eyes.

Let's see. Yeah, he had 150 eyeballs.

So what's up with a thousand glass eyeballs?

And he warned guests you're being watched at all times.

Yeah. Fun. Oh, great. So happy to be here. Can I just get my massage? Isn't that fucked up?

You can just feel your insides shift when you hear that. It's fucking so dark, man.

It's so dark. And all of it's dark. But I don't want any connective tissue between Seville and Epstein. But it just seems like a wild.

Coincidence they're both into that.

I've never been to anyone's house who had display glass eyes.

Only other time I've heard about. But these are real eyes being taken. Was you heard about the rape of Nanking?

No.

That's when the Japanese went to Nan King China and just pillaged. Here you go. The mass murder of chinese civilians in Nanjing, the capital Republic of China, immediately after this battle. It was in the beginning of 1937, and one of the japanese generals would tell whoever soldiers would come in, bring me their eyeballs. So they would gouge eyes out and bring it to him. And he had, like, baskets of human eyes. Oh, fuck. Yeah. But I had a great time in Tokyo, man. It was unbelievable.

I want to go so bad.

It was unbelievable. They're fucking amazing people, and their food was outstanding. Yeah.

Did you have any of that, the sushi that they make documentaries? Like, there you get, like, the real.

I went to omakase, and I was there with, you know, Philip. Yeah, Philip was there. And we went to a couple sushi spots, and he told me, he goes, I bring in the best thing you can buy every day is what? I fly in for his sushi places, and he goes, the worst thing here is worse than the best thing we can import. Like, that's how other level that, like, the best stuff never makes it to market to be shipped. It all stays in Japan.

Fuck, man.

Yeah, it's really incredible.

Yeah, I would love to go there. So, Dave, I love to go. It just seems so futuristic, too. It just seems so advanced there.

Yeah. So if anyone doesn't know, Philip is. I'm talking about Philip Lee. He's a chef, lives here in Austin. He has sushi by.

Yeah.

Pasta bar.

So good.

Not a damn chance. Burger, which is his.

Those burgers. This sounds like I'm being hyperbolic. I almost cried when I'm eating it. It was so good. And I was, like, hungry. And then suddenly you're eating the best.

And he does the thing that you kind of wish, like they're able to do it, which is there's one product.

That's it.

You go get the burger. That's it.

Yeah.

There's not 20 things you can get.

Yeah. And also get this. I don't know. I'm not a gourmet or anything, but my expectation for a burger isn't very high. And so it's such a weird flex because here's like a kind of basic meal. It's on kids menus and shit. And then somehow he turns it into this. Perfect.

It's perfect.

It's perfect.

Him and Neen, I believe, the guy they paired up and they made this burger. It's outstanding. And they have a new thing. They have a bakery called Wolf and Wheat. It's also on 6th here in Austin. Yeah, they're all great things. Him and Margarita, his wife, are the two that develop all these. Yeah, it was. It was wild. I can't say enough good things about Tokyo.

Did you play Pachinko?

No.

They have these crazy video arcades there that always wanted to get weird.

My agent was over there and he's like, what are you doing today? He's like, I'm going to the robot cafe. Where he went to a cafe where a robot comes up to you. And then the person who is, like, controlling that robot is someone with a disability who's at home. So they're at home, and then you're like, can I get a coffee? And then this person at home speaks to you through the robot, and the robot goes and gets you your coffee and brings it back to you.

Wow.

So they're employed right from their house because they otherwise wouldn't be able to leave.

Yeah, that's the future.

That's the future.

That's what the future looks like.

Also. I feel like you be on top of this. Have you heard about how whatever that more recent telescope that's way more powerful is basically challenging our entire knowledge of James Webb? Yeah, the web. That's right. And that they're like, oh, the big Bang theory is probably wrong. We think the universe is actually twice its age. And it's also, I don't know how many hundreds of times larger than we thought. What I was saying, because Christina is really into this stuff. I was like, do you realize that there's somebody or many people who their whole life has dedicated to really grasping this knowledge? And then one day someone's like, yeah, everything that you're an expert in, you're kind of not really an expert.

Yeah, you were wrong.

You're wrong. Even though you're a brilliant person, all your studies are worthless.

Wrong.

Fucking crazy.

Because you get, like, in the history of civilization, you get, oh, shit, the earth isn't the center of the galaxy. We actually were going around the sun, which infuriated people because the implication is, wait, we're not the most important. And then you get like, God, Nietzsche. God is dead. And then everyone's like, what the. What do you mean, God is dead? So all you have left is the big bang as God. And then this is like, well, that actually is bullshit too. So the fucking floor keeps getting pulled out from under.

This is happening in terms of historical time, right? We think of a long time as like 40 years, right? But in terms of history, 40 years is like a millisecond.

Yeah.

So I'm just saying, like, 40 years from now, forget it. The technology will probably be like, oh, you know that web telescope? That's some fucking dog shit. Don't pay attention to any of that. Yeah, man, here's this new thing that actually completely, like, we can't even conceive of it.

Well, you can't, because it's exponential growth. It's like, when you're dealing with that, with exponential growth, you can't predict past a certain point. Because the best description I heard is, imagine going back in time, find somebody, I don't know who the highest technology is, riding a horse, and say, okay, what's it going to be like in 2020? They're not going to be able to predict that. They might say it's easier to ride horses, but because they haven't been through the industrial revolution, the technological revolution, but because of AI and what's happening right now, they say that in the next two decades, we'll go through the equivalent of every single revolution that transformed the planet over every year. Every year, a new discovery.

Now, when people flip out about AI, I'm always like, yeah, but do you realize this is version one? Like, you're blown away by version one.

Yeah.

What's version ten going to look like? Because version one is already. You're like, oh, shit. I thought that was that person's face. And I thought they were saying that, and I thought, you're impressed by it. And you're like, this is the absolute base level version of this.

This is the Atari 2600.

Exactly.

This is pong. Yeah.

And you're shitting your pants at that.

Yeah. That is why we're in the coolest time period.

Imagine if you showed somebody pong, and then at the same time you showed that person the newest grand theft auto. Yeah. They'd be like, wait, I don't understand.

What the fuck is that? Yeah, this is what's really cool, man. Because we're on the precipice of the weirdest. It's the weirdest time in human history. We're on the precipice of it, and not enough people are freaking out about it. If you ask me. People understand. Artists are pissed. I think Jeffrey Katzenberg just said 90% of all animation jobs are going to be gone. All these industries. The unemployment is going to be so insane.

Sure.

And you could see all these tech companies are doing layoffs right now. Yeah, and why are they doing layoffs? If I had to guess, at least a few of those layoffs are because they're using an AI to do the job the person was doing.

They think that writers. Because writers had the big thing, like we don't want. Because you could tell AI to write something and you're like, yeah, this isn't as good, but they're like, yeah, but first of all, this is version one. And secondly, what if we just had AI do a bunch of first drafts and then just had the humans do punch up, dude, just totally erase the.

Need for as many. You might need a couple, you might need a few, and then that's going to go away. I was on Chat GPT, because now they have, I think it's GPT four. And I had like, an old sketch I'd written. And so I fed it the sketch and said, can you make a storyboard for this in seconds, using images, it breaks the script down into key moments, draws a storyboard for each of those moments, and you could say to it like, this kind of sucks. Can you do it again but better? And I'll be like, sure, I'll do much better this time. And then it'll generate another version in seconds, the amount of time it takes. Imagine if you want to get a sketch broken down, it's going to take you at least a couple of days to get good storyboards.

Sure.

So that's crazy. That's crazy. And then where it's headed next.

Yeah. So also, the other one is so with stars, right? People are like, oh, AI could put Tom Cruise in something, right?

Yeah.

And you go, well, Tom Cruise is like, I don't want that done. I don't want you to use my likeness and my image for that. But you're also going to get to the point where somebody like him, they'll be like, okay. You say you don't want that. How about like $500 million something, some crazy offer. And he's going to be like, 66 or something. And be like, yeah. And they're like, yeah, we're just going to make this movie with your leg. Is that cool? Yeah, he's going to be like, yeah, okay. Okay.

That's. Sure.

And that'll be the beginning. They go, well, Tom Cruise gets that. You will give you a little something, too, to use yours.

Yeah.

And then you could have a whole film with artificial actors.

Well, the thing is, let's say Tom Cruise is like, no, I'm never giving my likeness. That's satanic and fucked up. So you go back to the AI and say, can you make a character that's more interesting than Tom Cruise? With Tom Cruise characteristics, quality, can't look like Tom Cruise. Boom. Now you have a better mean. The mean. This is as far as I've gotten thinking about this shit right now. The paradigm we're in is the algorithm serves up whatever you're into. So whatever that may be. TikTok will give you more and more of what you like, so it's tuning into what you like, but it's content that people have made. The next paradigm is the AI. Knowing what you like makes the content and gives it to you. So it's like, no humans are making it. It's just giving you what you want. No one's ever seen it before. Or it's taking preexisting content and altering it according to your sensitivities. What you like, what you don't like.

It starts to learn from your viewing habits. Right? He liked, 15 minutes to this. And he liked, you know what I mean? He watched this one twice, and it starts to just cater to exactly your preferences.

That's it. And then this is happening in VR with some kind of neural interface. So it's not just like experiences you like, it's feelings you like. Essentially, we're going to be in some kind of orgasm machine, or it's just going to be dialing in exactly what squeezes the dopamine now. And that's when humanity is truly captured by technology.

Wow.

It's the same way we train dogs. It's the same way you get a dog to fuck your mouth. I mean, I can't imagine how long it took them to train that pit bull.

That wasn't easy, dude.

I applaud them.

Yeah, but also, then you're going to be probably in your VR, not even a headset, like your pod, right, that you just live in. You don't even get, like, you just shit in it. There's a built in, and it probably feeds you. And then as you go unconscious, there's a pit bull fucking your mouth, right? Like, throughout your sleep, because you don't even know. And then you wake up, you're like, I feel recharged. And I just got a new job. Right. Your brain is having that experience, dude.

I'm only laughing because I forgot how recharged I felt that morning. I remember having all this energy and life was, I don't know, color seemed brighter.

Yeah, right. It's like falling in love. Yeah, that's what I felt like with the monks. I felt like I fell in love again.

Yeah, I forgot about that.

You forget about love? Yeah.

I remember that morning walking outside and smelling a flower and just like. I don't know, it's like I. First time I ever smelled a flower.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

Yeah, we're fucked, man. Dude, wait. Video games right now. I've been addicted to this game called Cyberpunk. It's so good. But you're walking around all these npcs, and they always say the same thing. You can kind of listen to them talk, but it's like six or seven lines of dialog that they say the moment those things have Chat GPT in them, which you could just probably update games like Cyberpunk so that instead of having pre written, prescripted dialog for the npcs, they're now like chat GBT with all these different personalities.

Sure.

Meaning that you could have friendships with them.

Caters right to you, though, right?

Maybe. Or the game decides they want, I don't know, whatever it wants. But then this is where it really freaks me out. Theoretically, npcs in a game, if you give it permission, will be able to text you in the day. So, like, when you're not playing the game, you might start getting texts from some NPC that you met in Grand Theft Auto who's pissed or whatever. Like, fuck you.

Hey, Duncan. Motherfucker. Yeah, you better show up.

Yeah, it gets out of the box.

It starts talking about your kids and where they are, and you're like, wait, what? Yeah, I know.

Your fucking kid plays Spiderman. Whatever. Your kids are playing on the PlayStation. So that is where the next. Because all these problems that are starting to happen, it's hard to find a precedent for it, like, in human history. So this is going to be another one, which is some kind of madness. Like, people are going to stop being able to differentiate the game from real life because the game is going to be using their other technology to communicate with them. Those creepy. When your kids were like toddlers, if you get an electronic game or electronic toy, it goes into kind of sleep mode. So you might be playing with some other toy, and then all of a sudden it goes, hey, won't you come and play with me? And then the kid is drawn back to that. It's the same thing, but more sophisticated adults, like, come back in here. What are you doing out there? That world isn't real.

I know, right? You're going to leave a restaurant in the video game, and then later on you're going to be out in the real world and it's going to like, hey, thanks for the tip today. And you're going to be like, what? Like little seductive things to. Yeah, right. That you're gonna be like, oh, shit. Yeah, but you left your glasses here, kind of thing.

Yeah, dude. And it's gonna draw you back.

By the way, Joey Diaz called me the other day. He goes, what's with the fucking? I need them. I need them to see. I go, my vision sucks. And he goes, I don't like those glasses. And he goes, if you wear those glasses, when I see, I'm going to break them in front of you. I go, what the fuck? I go, what am I supposed to wear? Are different glasses, okay? And he goes, get some other glasses. Okay? He goes, I know you're hanging out with your white friends.

Wearing glasses. What are you talking about, dude? They're big. Yeah, I have a big face. Well, it's kind of like. I don't know. I like your glasses. I like wearing what glass like is like. They're kind of like. Like, you know what mean? Like on CNN.

I told him I have other ones, so I'm going to send him a series.

There you go.

Of photos and just find a Joey approved pair.

Interesting.

Can I send you other photos? And he's like, yeah.

Dude, Warby Parker needs to team up with Joey Diaz to make Diaz brand Warby Parker glasses.

Glasses that Joey doesn't want to break.

That he wouldn't break in front of you. Like you're back in high school.

I know. So, Joey, I just took these off because I was thinking of you, dude.

I've had him do that to me. I was wearing a corduroy jacket once. It was really dumb and I shouldn't have worn. He's like, look at you. Why are you wearing that? What are you, Zach Galvanakis? And I felt so bad, I tried to act like it didn't, dude.

I was like, what are you talking about? I need to see.

He's powerful, man. I stopped wearing it. I'll be honest.

You did?

Yeah. He fucking stopped wearing it.

Corduroy with you and your gay friends. Gay. I guess I'll take it off.

Because he never does, by the way. That's a rare thing. Yeah. Critique like that from. I don't think he's ever.

He was so bothered.

Yeah, it's intense. Like, it's not like he's joking.

And then he told me, he's like, I'm coming to see you. I go, where are you coming to see me? He's like, you're coming to Jersey. Thanks for the invite, docksucker. And I was like, oh, yeah, sorry. I mean, I got a lot of things didn't. It's not for another month. I'll let you know in closer. I'll be there. You don't have to worry about the invite. I'll be there. I'm like, okay, all right.

I wish he lived here.

Oh, I know. It'd be so great.

Everyone's been trying to recruit him, and nothing works. People from that area, they don't want to leave.

No. And he's also. I feel like he's back in his old stomping ground. He's probably like the fucking mayor of that neighborhood for sure. Everybody.

Yeah. I get it, though. That's cool. I get it. I like it here, though.

Do you?

Do you miss LA?

I feel like I like it. Here's the thing. You and I both. I mean, I lived there almost 20 years, so it is, like, very familiar.

Yeah.

I like going for visits. I go all the time, but I don't feel like, oh, I need to move back. Whenever I'm there, I'm not like, I wish I lived here. I just like popping in.

If you didn't have a family, would you stay in Austin or move back to LA?

I would not move back to LA.

Where would you go?

I still might keep this as my home base. If I didn't have a family, I feel like I might do a thing where I had, like, a second place somewhere, but I don't know if it would be LA.

Right? Yeah. It creeps me out how little I miss. It's. It makes me feel like a.

Like, shouldn't I have more feelings for.

Pining for it or something?

I lived there long enough and I feel like I had my time with it.

Right?

I moved on, but there's things I enjoy. There's people there that I still love. There's places I enjoy going, restaurants. Going to the club is still fun, but I don't feel like, man, I need to. But also, the beach is great. We go to the beach when we're there. That's always special. But again, would I live at the beach? I don't feel like I would live at the beach. I like spending a little time there.

Yeah, I don't think I'd want to live at the beach. Yeah, no, that would be like an.

But I have all these fantasies about retiring abroad.

Really?

Yeah.

Like where?

Like, Europe.

But don't you think you get so lonely out there?

I don't know. Would I?

I don't know. It's a cool. I mean, look, that's a cool fantasy.

Yeah. Maybe it's just in my head. I don't know.

No, I used to have, like, a Hawaii retirement fantasy.

Yeah, I don't think I could do that. I don't think I could do an island. I feel too isolated, even on a big island.

Yeah, I just feel like. No, like Hawaii in particular. You go to some nice resort. It's incredible. If you're super dumb, you're like, I'm going to live here. And then you go through with it. But if you've ever been to a grocery store in Hawaii, like, go outside, there's. Go to a grocery store, and you see people who fucked up, they're so depressed. They're like, living in Hawaii. But it's like, now what? It's like a small town. Yeah, there's no way.

But I like, here's the thing. I like big cities, and I also like living with access to a big city. That's what I've learned.

Yeah.

So I don't know. In my mind, I could live out. I don't want to live in some remote place. That's not my retirement fantasy. But if you were like, you live 30 minutes from Rome, or like, that would be cool. Yeah. Madrid or something. I don't know. I think I could do that.

Would you get, like, dual citizenship?

No, it's too complicated, man.

You know, we tried it when we moved up to Asheville. We tried to do the small town fantasy.

Yeah, I remember when you moved there.

Yeah. And it was amazing for like six months. Six months. You're like, holy shit, it's so nice. I'm, like, instagramming pictures of a fire or whatever. Really cheesy. It's like I'm acting like I'm all chilled out. Fucking throw over here. You know what I mean? I'm communing with nature. And then you just realize, like, fuck, once you've been corrupted. I don't want to call it corrupted, but once you've been living in a city long enough, it's real hard to shift gears into, I'm just going to be out here and watch the wind blow the trees, go fishing, maybe go hunting.

Yeah. That's got to be in you. You got to want to do that stuff. You always end up doing what really you want to do. Right. One of the things I realized about going to New York, people are like, what do you like to do most when you're in New York? Because I love going to New York. And the truth is, I just like being in York.

Yeah.

Like, I like the energy of the city, right? Same thing when I was in Tokyo or Hong Kong. It's like, I just like the energy of big cities. I don't have to have a real game plan for the day of, like, I got to see this and go here and go there. I just like existing with that energy.

There's this differentiation between different energies. So the cities are considered to be. They're called the modes of material nature. The cities are in the mode of passion, forest mode of goodness. And then, I don't know, like some shithole. If you're living in a horrible, polluted, brutal place, that would be the mode of ignorance. And so people like us. So there's foods that go along with it, too. Spicy foods. Mode of passion. Bland foods. Basically, they say mode of passion. You eat things that taste good, but they make you feel bad later. Mode of goodness. You eat things that don't taste that great, but you feel good later. Mode of ignorance. You eat shit and feel like shit later. And so that's interesting. People like us, our karma pulls us into city life.

City life, yeah, because I can do the forest thing you're talking about and all that, but it has to be temporary for me. I can't go. Like, that's where I would spend all my time. I can't do that.

I know, me either. We're trapped.

Yeah.

I would love it, though. God, that'd be fucking.

That's like a fantasy, right? When you see the person living in isolation in the woods and chopping their firewood and all that, I'm like, yeah, that seems like a cool weekend, but I can't do that.

Not a life, dude. No. And that's the thing with whatever that fantasy is. Mine was when I was younger, not now. It's like, I'm going to go to India. I'm going to find, like, a cave. I'm going to renounce the entire material universe and live like, this is a.

Totally believable Duncan truss.

It was real. I really fantasize about this, but it's an idiot's fantasy because it's like day two in a cave. What do you do?

But then we all feel like someone is capable of that. And I think for our circle, everyone would be like, yeah, Duncan's capable of that.

Well, that's sweet, but, I mean, I just know I would get. So be day five, I'm at the pharmacy trying to get ketamine back up to the cave. That's day. Yeah. You know, have you ever seen that video of. It's so weird. There's these indian soldiers, they're up in the mountains in the snow. They're all bundled up, and this dude in a loincloth just comes wandering through the snow because he's one of those esthetics who live up in the caves, but he's like completely naked. The snow wasn't bothering him at all. And he just sort of like wanders by.

Did he get like fallow girth and everything?

What?

Did he get the girth treatment?

Yeah. His penis was trailing in the snow.

Oh, my God.

Melting it as he went. Just leaving, like just a tiny little crease.

Beautiful.

It was beautiful.

And what did this man say when he got. Did he say something? Was there a message from this person that lived or just that he's unbothered by the element?

He said to one of the guys, like, he looked at his crotches, like, I can make it bigger.

Wow.

Yeah, wow. I know, man. It's magical out there. I mean, that's the thing. We're in the big city. We miss out on moments like that.

Where's your fantasy place to, like, you're done working, you don't have to work anymore. Where do you live? If you can live anywhere, full time living, though, not like a weekend.

This sounds so lame. I'm going to stay here.

Really?

Yeah, it's like, because if I'm done working and in my fantasy of done working, I have unlimited resources.

Yeah, you do.

I can go anywhere I want. So I would just keep this as vacations and just travel around the world and do stuff like that. But, yeah, I don't really have a place anymore. I think that's where I'm going to be happy because that's never true. No place is going to make.

No place makes you happy. That's true. It's the company, right? Like the company you keep.

Yeah. It's like, if you're an asshole, like, wherever you go, you're an asshole. It doesn't matter.

It's true.

I mean, that sucks.

You're just an asshole. In Munich this week.

Yeah, dude, there's a story. I'll probably tell it wrong. Some guy comes up to a city, he's a traveler. He says to this person at the gates of the city, what are the people like here? And the person says, well, what were the people like where you came from? And he's like, they were fucking dicks. They stole, they lied. I couldn't trust any of them. They were horrible. That's why I'm leaving. And the guy says, bad news. The people here are like that, too. And then another person came and said, where are the people like here? What were they like where you came from? Very sweet. They were very generous. They were kind. I'm sorry I had to leave them. And he's like, then you found a wonderful city because everyone here is like that, too.

Wow.

You know what I mean? You ever do that? I wake up in the morning, and everyone's a fucking dick. I'm mad at everyone. Mad at the world, mad at anyone. I pass. And then at some point you realize I'm the dick. Nothing out here is malfunctioning. It's all me. That happens to me sometimes.

Sure. No, I think it happens to all of us. Less people admit it. Right. Because you don't really want to admit that it could be you.

Yeah. Anytime I hear myself going, what is it, drive like an asshole day? I'm like, oh, fuck, I must be driving like an asshole. Nobody wants to admit that. It's more fun to imagine everyone around you sucks.

Yeah, of course. To blame other people. Yeah, blaming other people is like, that's human justification 101. Yeah, it feels good. Fucking feels good. Everyone's a dick. Everyone's stupid fuckers. Or. You ever meet somebody who's had this is, I think, kind of the more common one. You meet somebody who's, like, working at, let's say, a new job, and you're like, what'd you do before I worked this place. Fucking idiots. And blah, blah, blah. And you're like, oh, that sucks. What'd you do before that? I worked for another dumb fucking place. And they had a bunch of idiots. They wouldn't listen. Blah, blah. And you're like, oh, I have a feeling that that's going to happen at this new job.

That's right.

Right. Because this person will just kind of hop from employer to employer and have the same experience. And they never put together that. They've created this narrative that I'm smart. Everyone I work for is stupid. And this always goes wrong. And it's, like, sad. Yeah, it's sad.

Those people are in hell. Those people are wandering through hell. Because the weird reality is anything you're looking at is literally your mind. Because the phenomena is being filtered through your nervous system, assembled by your brain. So everything around you is you. Meaning that if you're surrounded by assholes, your mind is an asshole.

Your mind's an asshole.

Your mind is a.

That's so true.

Pulsing asshole.

The comedian version of what I'm telling you is, because I've heard it many times, is you'll see someone, maybe you haven't seen them in a while, and they're like, yeah, fucking Sucks. They don't want people for, like, me doing gigs or getting hired for these things. And you're like, you think that they are singling out your type, yeah, I'm a fucking white guy. Or they'll have their story of why things aren't going well. And you're like, interesting that you've. Because they had to build this up for themselves, this story, in order to justify things not happening.

Well, it's hard to deal with the reality that I think in any art form, there's highs and lows, and those lows are your fault, probably. Like, right now, it's just not working out. Like, you kind of aren't funny enough, and it's just not working right now. It'll get better, probably it could get better. But acknowledging that in yourself hurts because.

It'S basically a huge slash to your ego. Yeah, right. That can happen. Like, you're single. Why isn't this going well? Right? That's another ego. Right? You could be like, well, I'm not taking care of myself. I haven't been working. But you have to create a story to get through today. It's a lot easier to create an external story.

Yeah, dude.

Than an internal one.

Drive all blames into oneself. That's one of my favorite logia. It's like a mind training. Buddhist mind training. But I always remind myself of that drive all blames into oneself. Because anytime I'm blaming anybody else, well, then you start trying to change the.

People around you, and that's a futile exercise for sure.

Oh, God, man. And it's such so many ear beatings you'll end up giving to people who don't give a fuck about what you're saying. They don't care. You're just pleading.

They're all in there. What are you talking about?

Yeah, no one gives a shit.

No, they're great.

Yeah, man. It's brutal. And in that line, have you noticed this? There's a thing, okay? You know, like, there's secret handshakes and stuff.

Do I.

So there's this secret handshake people do now, I don't know if you've noticed this, and maybe I'm just applying this to the world when it's only happened to me a few times, where certain sort of person will come up to you within seconds of talking will be like, aren't things horrible right now in the world? And if you don't go, yes, my God, what a terrible world. They think you like Trump. Have you noticed that?

That is so funny. What I noticed, I almost had embarrassment for myself in the moment that you were setting up this question in that I think human beings also, we do this thing where you try to match someone's take at the moment. So when people like, whenever someone can, they're like, man, things are fucked up. I'm always like, yeah, right. And I'm not even thinking that. Or. And then if somebody is super happy, you kind of try to match that about how great. Oh, I'm so happy for you. They're happy. You're like, that's great.

No, you're right. It puts you in an awkward situation.

It does. But the one that is actually, I feel like it's not productive. It's definitely not like you're not doing yourself or anyone any favor is when you embrace someone's negative take on things, everything sucks, right? And you go like, yeah. And then what you do is you search for what sucks even though it wasn't in your mind. So now you're putting out this shitty energy because you just want to be like, polite. It's gross to who met you or who you're talking to.

It's essentially like you're giving each other negativity. Hand jobs or something. You're just like, trying to find something bad.

Me too.

Or you try to one up the person's, whatever they say, oh, yeah, that's fucking bad. But did you hear?

Want to hear some real shit?

Pakistan just launched missiles into fucking Iran. I did that to.

What it does is, I don't know, it also makes you question when that thing happened in the moment. It makes you question, oh, I think it's like. It's a very split second thing. You're like, I should be more concerned about some of these things happening that I'm not letting occupy my mind or my energy. So maybe I'm a dumber or less worthy because I'm so caught up in things that don't matter. Meanwhile, there's fucking missiles being launched, right? Yeah. That should be what I'm occupied with.

Okay, so if paranoia and fear and negativity protected people from missiles, no one would have died. And that's true. So if you're going to get blown up by a missile, be in a good mood. Why not just be in a great mood and not even know it's coming? I mean, what are you going to do? Yeah, go in a bomb shelter.

Can you play that guy, Zolo, the military guy that just popped? Can you find him real? I just. This was like a clip I saw of this guy. It just made me think of this and his take on things. I don't know. I guess the argument you could make is that you need people like this, right? The guys who are like, down for real battle. Okay.

Oh, Jesus.

I killed about 10,000 Chinese and North Koreans with mortar fire and artillery fire because there was a lot of targets, the best way to put it. And plus, with a rifle fire and hand grenades, I killed another 400. Plus. I'm the top soldier in hand to hand combat in America. I've killed 20 people in hand to hand combat.

Wow.

I had a bad sense of humor. The best way to put it. I could have shot several people, but I beat them to death with my rifle instead. I kind of like their rattlenar cage. I just got good at that stuff. And then my kid brother was killed in action in Korea, and I re enlisted immediately. To me, it was just some stranger killing my brother, not an enemy. And I made up my mind I was going to kill a lot of people, which I did. I almost knew nobody. I didn't make friends easy. The only person I had with me was a radio man, and I lost eight of them. Three killed and five wounded. And then I had to send four back because they couldn't cut it. They just panicked too much. Afraid of dying.

They're like, please, can you stop beating people to death? Just shoot them.

I mean, I know this clip. I've been fascinated by it. I think it's just to hear somebody speak kind of casually about it, those are the realities of war. I'm not trying to say that's not what happens in every war, but you rarely hear somebody, I think, have that type of conversation about it.

First of all, they need to remix it with happy music playing instead of that. It's not fair that the dramatic music really forcing a conclusion about what he was doing.

And also, it's also forcing a conclusion about how he feels about it, because I don't think he feels very somberly about the whole thing.

No, he misses it. He misses it. He wants to get back there.

He was a young man.

If there is a hell and he ends up in hell, he will start beating demons to death happily in hell.

Do you mean he'll rattle their cage?

Just rattle in your cage a little bit as I beat your hand.

Never heard that expression used for that.

Rattle their cage a little bit. And it's a weird sense of humor. This is a dad joke, baby. Yeah.

This guy's, by the way, this is a medal of honor recipient. He's as highly awarded and regarded by the military as you can be.

Yeah, I don't think people want to deal with the reality of war, that there are people like that who are out there right now while we're just having fun on a podcast. There's people like that who are like, yeah, I have to rattle some cages today or some awful shit will happen in my country. I mean, I don't know, man. It's hard for me.

The other thing is you picture somebody who has done or does that kind of thing having a certain appearance to.

Yeah.

And this just looks like your friend's.

Not like, if I went over to my friend Josh's grandpa, yeah. I wouldn't even pay attention to him. I wouldn't think about it all.

He'd be like, you want to hear a story?

Sure.

Do you have a bad sense of humor? And you're like, uh huh. Oh, you love this one. You'll like this.

You'll love this one. I fed a man his own heart.

I could have shot him, but I like to kind of tussle with him a little bit.

His radio operator is just puking. Like.

The thing is, back then I was a bit of a rascal. Yeah, that is very rascally.

There's a way you could pull out a man's eyeball and show himself like a mirror. I used to do that while I was yanking their teeth out.

He's like, you guys want a hot cocoa? And you're like, yeah, this sounds good. Thank you, sir. Your grandpa's wild, dude.

Yeah, have a banana. I peeled a man's dick once, like a banana. Just ratled his cage. Fucking crazy, right?

Fuck, yeah.

Wow. Well, that's cool though, man.

You know, that's a real guy, man.

What are we going to do? You're going to try to make everyone live the way you live? No, some people, they need that, by the way.

Thank God. Thank God this man had a path. He could channel what was in him.

Yes.

If there wasn't a war at the time, if there isn't somewhere to enlist and an enemy to take this out on, this guy doesn't just go work at Ford Motor, right? He's not just changing tires. No, he's doing some other shit to get it out.

Yeah, man. Like, that guy's not a greeter at Walmart.

No. Fucking.

You know, this is actually one of the. Because sociopaths are predictable. Like, apparently there's some percentage of humans that show up as sociopaths. There's all this evolutionary why. Why do they exist? And one of the. I guess one reason could be that in the past, maybe now, we needed people like that. You needed someone who didn't care about killing things.

Sure.

Who didn't have human compassion the way normal people do, to go out and hunt and go out and fight.

These are people whose heart rates aren't elevated at all by things that make us all have adrenaline spikes and they end up being really good at certain things. Like, you could have them be a fighter jet pilot, you can have them be a race car driver, you can have them. Sometimes they are playing high level sports. Sometimes they're in the corporate world, sometimes they're in the military.

Sometimes they're surgeons.

Surgeons absolutely have a disproportionate number. They're not affected by the loss of life in front of them. And then sometimes they're the fucking Green river killer.

That's right. Sometimes they're out there just strangling basic.

Bitch and then they're like.

I want.

To have a sandwich, dude.

I guess it's like, you know, there has to be, there's people out there who aren't comedians, who are probably 100 times funnier than any comedian you ever right now. But they're working some weird job. It hasn't occurred to them that it could work out for them.

Sure.

So I guess that guy is like a professional serial killer. And there's all these hobbyist serial killers out there who haven't figured out a way to make money doing what they love.

Sure. Which is, do you think a serial killer watches that clip and they're like, jesus Christ, this guy's good.

Yeah, it feels. Maybe there's something where they think something's a little off because of the way they've been beating strangers to death. And then they see that and they're like, oh, okay, I'm not alone in this world.

And look at Gramps. He's all right, dude.

He probably gets letters from serial killers who are like, thank you. I was going to kill myself, but you made me realize that it's okay to rattle cages. Whoa, that is wild though, man.

It's a good descriptor.

Yeah, just rattling some cages. I think when you try to figure out what it's like to be a sociopath, it is the way you play grand theft auto. Like if you ever just, you're bored, I don't know if you've even played.

I haven't played it in years, but.

Yeah, I remember you play any game like that and you just get bored and you're like, I'm just going to start running over people and see if I can get away from the cops. And then you turn the video game off, you never think about it again, right? It's that I think they're that way, but with people, people, they're just, ah, bored right.

And you have to tell them. Do you remember when you ran that person over? And they're like, yeah, yes, Spokane. You're right. I was visiting my cousin Julie up there. Jesus Christ. Did that person make it? And they're like, no, they're dead.

Makes sense. Yeah, I hit them real hard.

Yeah.

If you see know, there's a YouTube video comparing people fake crazy and real crazy, like, in an interrogation.

Sure.

And the fake crazy people are always like, oh, there's voices. And they're like, the real crazy person. It was just like, what you're saying. They were interrogating this dude. And they're like, so what'd you do? And he's like, yeah, I just took these kids and got them in my car, tied them up, and just drove them out and beat them to death. And just calm, not sad about it. Why? I just wanted to. That's a sociopath. And that person might. That's legally insane because they don't know consequence. They don't have any sense that this is wrong. At got.

I remember I saw an interview with this about, they're trying to find this serial killer, I think, in San Francisco. And it was this guy who had a stutter. Like, a notable stutter. And when they were collecting all the evidence, they finally interrogated him. They were like, why did you kill so and so? And he was like, yeah. And they go, why? He's like, so I could have sex with her. And they were like, okay. And then did you kill this other girl? And he's like, yeah. And they go, why? And he goes, so I could have sex with her. And so they kept asking, and it was always the same. And then they said he would lose his stutter, just in some of the moments where he would describe what he was doing, it just released it for him, and then he'd go back to his stutter.

Holy shit. That's fucking crazy. So, like, that's the way to cure stuttering. The king speech, part two.

Is that him? There you go. I have pretty good memory. David Carpenter. Yeah. You always find neglect and abuse severe.

So sad. Oh, my God. It's always that. It's always a shit parent behind for.

Usually for the really violent monsters. You never find any case where they don't have neglect or abuse, I think.

Isn't there some argument that Dahmer had pretty good parents or that it was like a kind of a normal.

I don't think he was abused. Yeah, but I think it's pretty well documented that he was pretty neglected. Like, neglected not so much where you would think that this is what would come of. Know. He was a. He was a bit of a rascal himself.

Dahmer was a rascal. He had a weird sense of humor.

He did. He was kind of.

Yeah. Like, he probably cracked that guy up with some of the stuff he did.

Yeah, he was a knucklehead.

He was a knucklehead, yeah. Lots of funny tricks.

Yeah. Some say that he was even a goofball.

Oh, yeah, for sure. He was a wild goofball.

I remember I did a podcast with. It's still one of my favorite podcast moments ever, with the guy that tracked and was part of the team that got in Colombia.

Yes.

And I was like, yeah, Escobar is a real goofball. He goes, goofball? And I go, I tried to keep it together. I was like, yeah. He goes, Pablo Escobar? And I go, yeah. He goes, you think he was a goofball? I go, wasn't he? Yeah. I don't know if I would exactly use that term to describe a narco terrorist responsible for tens of thousands of murders. Okay.

Goofball.

I think we wrapped up.

Oh, my God. That's hilarious.

Yeah. That's fucking so funny.

God, that's great. Yeah, that's the thing, man. It goes back to what we were talking about before. People like that want you to zoom into their reality, to live in their reality. And the moment you're outside of it, they get pissed and offended. He was a fucking goofball.

He was kind of goofy.

Yeah, I'm sure he was fun.

I've seen the interviews with his son. He was like, he's a great dad. I love him as a dad. He wasn't the best citizen, but he was a good dad.

Right.

And he liked to have a good time. Yeah, he had a fucking zoo at the house. If you have a zoo at your house, you're fun.

And he's also. I guess you would have to say he's courageous.

Yeah, he had big old balls.

Yeah. We're all hanging out here in default reality. We follow laws. We do what we're supposed to. We pay taxes. But just outside, there's people like him who are like, I don't want to live like that.

I'm not following your rules.

That is so weird when you have.

The government, like, the whole entire. Imagine the government of an entire country is out to get you, and your response is to send tanks into the supreme court. Holy shit.

Brazen. Yeah.

You're not like, all right, you got me.

It never occurs to you we all die and realize, like, we're just at the mall in the future and this is some video arcade. We're all fucking kids, and we decided to play human reality simulator. Then when we're all back in the video arcade, whoever was doing Pablo Escobar, we're going to be like, that was fucking incredible.

That was.

Was just some fucking comedian. I had a podcast. You were driving tanks into the Supreme.

Court, fucking setting off bombs and shit.

High score. That's a high.

Oh, yeah. Like, that's the one. You see the score and you're like, how does anyone get that score?

That's it.

Pablo Escobar.

Pablo Escobar.

All right, listen, we got to wrap up, but you can see Duncan Trussell. He'll be at helium in St. Louis February 22 to 24th. He'll be at hyenas in Dallas April, twelveth and 13th. It's always so much fun to see you.

Great to see, man. I love hanging out with you.

I love hanging out with you. We should get together again and bring the kiddos.

Yes, for sure. Let's do it. Thanks.

Get your tickets@duncantrustle.com. Thank you, guys. We'll see you next time.

Bert, Tom, and Bert. One goes out the swab, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell, but they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.