What galaxy are we in? Every room I walked in this house, there's some, like the weird 26 year old behind a computer just going, like, editing. You guys are all working? Yeah, we work for Bert. Doing what? This one. How's that one doing? Really big numbers. What's up? Every cabinet is full of products. What company sent you all those hats?

Hundred percent. Huge. Hey, guys. Brand new episode of two Bears, one cave and I am with fucking talent. Finally. Real talent. Tommy's not here. He's working on a movie. I don't even think. Have you ever seen Tom act? No, not a lot of people have. You know, Mark Wahlberg hasn't seen him act and he was in a movie with him.

Amazing.

Tom and I sold a movie. Tom and I sold a.

Lost all the weight.

We sold a movie called Fat Astronauts.

And then we both lost weight. And neither of us want to gain weight back. Not committed to the project. Fuck that. Yeah.

I'd rather live and see my kids get married.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

The old world.

Jake Johnson, everybody. Jake Johnson. Let me. Can I get real quick? Because sometimes I feel like new fans may not recognize your face, but they go, how do I fucking know that guy? You're in one of my favorite trailers and movies I've ever seen. Let's be cops. That's one of my favorite. You and Damon Wayne's. We're going to try to call him today on FaceTime.

How fun.

Because I need a black guy to answer a question for me. Great. You were in the new girl you made out with. Don't think. I don't think our fans are huge Zoe fans. I think they are on the surface, but they probably don't want to hear, like, gossip stories about Zoe.

And they probably didn't watch new girl.

You don't think so?

No, I think it depends how old your fan base is. The younger guys have guys my age haven't. My whole experience of that show was men on the street needing to tell me that they know me, but they don't like my show. And me being like, pretty cool, bro. It was a lot of this. What's up, man? How are you doing? You're that guy. And I go, yeah. And they go, I don't watch this show with you and that girl and the three guys. And I'd go, don't care. Thanks for the announcement. But then a new generation post pandemic when it hit Netflix, younger guys who are just more open, they're just different.

They're very different.

They like it.

It's not even gay to suck dick anymore.

Yeah, it's not. I'm going to disagree. And I got to say, bert, I think most people are with me. You just tried to gaslight me and take this interview in the weirdest way. Oh, no way, Bert. So we can suck each other's dicks and we're straight.

Did you know you can get. Tom told me this dick, dude, you're not gay.

Suck my dick. Really? Tom told me. Tom can tell you anything he wants. He's wrong. Sucking a dick makes you gay.

He told me that you can be a top and never be a bottom. You can just fuck dudes in the ass and go, like, I just want to fuck dudes in the ass. And then I wouldn't even consider that gay. Really?

You wouldn't?

No. Hold on. Just for the record, if I had to pick, I would definitely want to get fucked in the ass.

You would? Okay, that's the gayest thing you've ever said. If I had a choice, I'm fucking.

Dude, if I'm going to cancun, I'm going scuba diving. I'm not just going to hang out in the beach. And that's when a guy is fucking a guy in the ass is just hanging out the beach, going. Staying at the resort. He's not even really traveling. Technically, I'm in it. I'm in Sonoco.

Do it if you're going to do it.

Let's have a drink. Good call. Should we go mistners or. You pick. Hey, congratulations. Hold on. We're not done with the gay shit. Congratulations.

Thank you, my friend.

We are going to your party tonight for your new movie called Self Reliance.

Yes, sir.

I watched it last night. It's fucking awesome. It's awesome.

Cheers.

Cheers. Congratulations. Thank you for coming. And this is important, especially to people listening. This is a movie you wrote, you directed, you starred in. You got the money for, you sold. What are you going to do with it?

Well, Hulu bought it.

Hulu bought it?

Yeah.

I watched a screener. It's not out on Hulu yet.

Saw a screener. So it comes out on Hulu the twelveth. January. Twelveth.

Oh, fuck.

So we're at the kind of tail end of. It's been a whole journey, but, yeah. So we went to south by Southwest last year. Hulu bought it after. We're really excited. And I felt like it wasn't finished yet. So I had a really weird experience because there was a few scenes. I did some reshoots and some reedits. So you've seen the most recent cut, but there was some stuff that was not in it before, and I felt like it was missing because we shot it fast. It was a 17 day shoot.

It's really fast.

It was fast. We was really indie. It was gunning. And then when I watched it, I wanted that third act to be really dark and really heavy with no laughs at all.

Okay. Because you did that. Good job on that.

But then I added some laughs. So the one you saw, some stuff was added in there to bring levity. I had none of that because my thought, and when I was sitting in the theater in Austin, first act gets good laughs. People are on board. Second act, when Anna comes, people are like, oh, it's a little bit of a love story. This is.

It's hard not to fucking love her.

She's great.

She's so talented.

She's the reason we got greenlit. I bet when she said yes, we had a.

She's so fucking, yeah, she's lovable.

She's a movie star.

She is.

Yeah, she's got that thing. And you see it when you're on set. You're like, I'm grinding around trying to, like. I'm like, if we're all in the, like, guy who just learned to swim, no matter how luck, I'm in the water. I'm, like, choking a little bit and be like, this is a lot of fun. This is a fucking nightmare. Get me out of here. I should be on land. And then other people come and you're like, oh, your body naturally floats. When I get in water, I'm sinking to the bottom. Everything is a grind. She's one of those movie stars where you're like, your legs aren't even kicking. You're fucking money. In this scene, you just looked at the dialog.

You and her together. I do not want to ruin the movie, but I do want to let people know, give them a hint. Because I watched it knowing nothing, which I kind of think sometimes is a way to watch.

I think it's the best.

I think it's like I didn't know anything about the karate kid when I was a kid.

Besides, you had a guess on that one.

Do you know?

You did know. You saw this shit? You go, my guess is it's about this little boy kicking some.

Like I didn't know anything about. When we were pulling up, Eric Knoppel goes. I go, so what is this movie? He goes, oh, it's these kids that live in a city where they can't dance. And I started laughing.

So hard.

And I was like, really? And he goes, no, it's for real. They can't dance. It's awesome. And then when you watch a movie, you're like, wow, it's so fun when you see nothing about a movie.

I agree.

See it, but I just want to tease it so people pique their interest. Your movie tickles everything in me that I love in movies, and I love a movie. I'm the perfect intelligence demographic to not know what's going on when the director doesn't want you to know what's going on. At the 6th sense, I was sitting next to this black dude in dreadlocks, and me and him got it at the same time. At the same time, he grabbed me. He's like, oh, shit.

He'S dead.

And then both our girls already knew the ending already. They were like, we knew that minute eight. Yeah, we're waiting. We didn't get it. When he backs up against the thing and looks at his stomach and sees the blood, and still we didn't get it. We're like, oh, his wound reopened.

We did. Let's be cops. We had a screening for that in Vegas, and it was like a real drunken thing. It was a UFC event kind of combined with a screening. So it was a real wild group. And there was a black guy sitting right behind Damon and I who just decided to narrate the movie. And at the beginning, it was annoying. You thought like, motherfucker. Like, we did all this work. Shut the fuck up. It turned because I realized he's the perfect audience member. Something would happen, and he'll go, like, the little white guy's getting confident, but he shouldn't yet. And I'd be like, you're right. And I was like, oh, we made this movie for him. And then he'd go, like, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable. It's getting scary. And Damon and I looked at each other midway through, and we're like, this is it.

Why is that not a mystery science 3000 where they just have white people watching movies? That would be the fucking greatest show.

Yes.

I will tell you right now. Why don't I have a movie? Why don't I do it? Let's do that. Can we set that up? I want to get two black comics. I know.

Amazing.

I kind of want miss Pat to be one of them who have never seen the machine, and I want to watch it. We're going to do a mystery science 3000 of a commentary where you can watch along with that. That's a fucking idea. It's a great way to market a movie.

Really is.

Holy shit.

That's fun. Unless they don't like it, because they have to be honest. So the catch has to be, they are not. Because this guy in the back, at times, in certain moments, you'd be like. He'd be like, that wasn't like, come on, man. I don't buy that shit. And we'd be like, that was a soft moment. Because if the two comics are kissing ass, once you read that and they're just liking it, you need the moment where they, as the audience, go, like, that, wasn't it?

Type in black people who don't like me.

How's that demo?

I have a good crossover, but I shouldn't even say this out loud. I'm very cognizant of not trying to cross over. I don't want to be in a place.

Don't.

Don't type it. Get it out of there. Get out of there.

What does it say? Black people who don't like.

Black people who don't like. A bad fucking way to thing to Google.

Anyway, that doesn't feel.

But. Well, then let's get into this subject. You worked with the dude from get out.

Which one?

The guy, the black dude.

Daniel.

Daniel.

Well, we were in Spider Verse together.

Spider Verse?

Yes.

Okay, here's my. You. He's british, right?

Yeah.

Is it weird when you work with a black dude who's british and then does a white dude, a black american dude, accent?

What?

Okay, so that guy's british.

Yes.

It's good to meet you, Jake.

Yeah. How? All right. Yeah, exactly.

This should be a fun project.

Daniel. Where am I?

All right, Jake, real quick, I want to get ready for this role.

Yeah.

So when a black man speaks in your country, they say birthday with the f, right? And then you're like, well, hey, man, but he's black, so he can do whatever, and then you go, but it's kind of borderlining on racist a little bit.

So the exchange you're pitching never happened. It is the equivalent of Tom telling you sucking a dick keeps you straight. It's not real life. Hold on.

Fucking a dude in the ass. I don't think is that gay.

Really?

I don't think it's that gay.

So hold on. If you went off a cocktail, if you went off and fucked ten guys.

In the ass, that's gay. Like, fucking ten guys in the ass is gay.

How about ten guys in a summer?

But if you come out as gay and you go, I only fuck dudes in the ass. That's not that gay.

But you're not the gayest. But it is gay, right? Or no?

I don't know. I think it's gay. Or to get fucked in the ass.

So when I was a kid, my uncle Eddie came, lived with us because he was having legal problems.

I fucking already love Eddie.

Yeah. And loved. I mean, major character.

I love Eddie.

Eddie was the best. Hung neon signs. I dropped out of school. Hung neon signs with him. We used to have to run from the shop owners because the work was so shitty. Everything was always a hustle and a con. And he was telling me a story that he was bragging about, and he was talking about he was once getting his dick sucked by this long haired hippie. And then he felt whiskers hit his nuts, and he moved the person's head and realized it was a guy with long hair. And at 15, I said, so what did you do? And he said, I said, finish what you started. That story, to me, is not the story of, like, a cool straight guy getting a blowjob. That was a story to me of, like, okay, cool, I respect you, but you knowingly got a blowjob from a man. Especially in 1994, whenever that story happened.

Yeah, 1994, that was definitely gay. And in 2023, it's definitely gay, too. But there are dudes that. But how about this? Okay, this is maybe what I'm trying to get at. Okay, this is it. Hey, will someone get me zins?

What?

Zins? Are you serious?

Yeah.

They're the greatest thing in the world. It's nicotine. So this is what I was trying to get at. This is the brilliant thought I had when we were kids. Sucking a dude's dick was frowned upon.

Yes.

As a dude. Now there's less of a frown. Agreed.

If you want to suck a dick, suck a dick.

Yeah. No, but even, like, I've dealt with it, a lot of my daughter's dude friends are gay, and there's guys that I honestly would not like. I did not clock that.

Interesting. Yes. I know. What?

You're a lot. I believe that there was a buddy of hers that just came out and.

You didn't see it at all. Yeah, I didn't see it so much.

I told him he wasn't, and he.

Said, like, I am, man.

And I was like, I think it's the vaccine.

The head of Disney's going to cancel your podcast.

That guy's in the fucking hot seat. Talk about watching the fucking Capitol crumble. That poor guy. Fucking shout out to Pat McAfee for calling out the head of fucking ESPN. That fucking poor guy is. He's probably got to be our age. He's got to be 52. And, you know, can I tell you, I'm such a coward. There's times when that happened to me at networks and I just shut my fucking mouth.

Yeah, of course I still would be.

I still do.

I still do.

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Well, it's hard because we're in a really wild era. It's the old world and the new world are coming together. But my movie's with Hulu. That's where the movie sold. I would love to get to a spot where you can make an indie movie. We were talking about this before. Sell it directly to the audience and then sell to these streamers as a second run. But I don't know if we're there.

Well, here's the question. I think we're there. I think it's got to be people like you. I was saying this to you walking up here. The missing ingredient is you. I was saying this to you walking up. It's like, even with me and my movie, I think that would have been an interesting thing to sell it to the fans. I think ultimately we did. Yeah, I think that's where we got.

Didn't you guys go crazy at.

It'S. I bite my tongue sometimes, but we had an opportunity to go into theaters or just go to Netflix, and then at the last minute, we had an opportunity to do both. But at the very beginning, I said I wanted to be in theaters. Listen, in hindsight, I should have just gone to Netflix. It would have crushed, and it would have been great for all the podcast or all the specials, but. Perfect. Thank you.

With an idea.

Yeah, there's a thing about seeing it in movie theaters. Now, having said that, I look at your movie and even my movie, and I go, I really thought my movie was good, but it would have been great if you had starred in it. And I just know that because there's at no point do I watch you act where I'm not enmeshed in the fucking story. Like, you're really great actor, and you're a really great actor in doing very. You're the best is like, when you're just talking very casually to Anna and the two of you are talking, I don't want to ruin any part of the movie. You're talking about one dude, and the two of you are going back and forth with opposing opinion. It's so funny. It's so light, and even you don't put push jokes. Like, your jokes come naturally. You can tell when comics push a joke. And there's one scene that I kept thinking about in my movie where I said, I wish you had said it. I really, what's funny about that being.

Opposite is because I came up doing improv and sketch, and now I feel like when I was coming up, that was know, the Bill Murray's did it, the Chris Farley's did it, the Belushis did it. And then I felt like stand ups were over here and improv and sketch was over here, and now I feel like there's been a big shift, and stand up is king, and improv theaters are fading, and to do stand up is kind of everything. And I feel like it's such an interesting spot when you get towards comedic acting because certain standups, you got your Eddie Murphy's. Those motherfuckers know how to hit a joke in a way that I don't. So certain standups will go on a run, and you'll see him as an actor, and you'll be like, oh, fucking perfect. Because your job is in front of people, like your life. You're going because I'll check you out on instagram. After we did our thing and then worked out together, I was like, oh, Bert's a fucking great guy. So I've been keeping track.

You're the first person I've ever done that with. Where I said I was going to do something, I followed through. I don't do that. Yeah, I don't do that.

Amazing.

I don't do that. But I felt very comfortable with you. And we texted and I said, hey, man, I'm working out. And be randomly. You knew my trainer, and I said, yo, come and surprise her. And then we had a great fucking workout. It was fun. And literally, I said to myself yesterday, I was like, I haven't worked out with him in a while. She hit him up to come work out with us. And I said to know me, so you should got to come again. I leave from Mexico tomorrow.

But your life, man, which I've now, because I never aspired to be a stand up. I didn't understand it. Now, seeing it, I'll get clips of you. You're in front of 20,000 people multiple times a week hitting jokes. I'm like that from somebody who comes from my world. That is insane. So your skill set, when you get to a set, that must feel tiny to you.

No, the difference is, and I don't want to tell you the line I wish you had said, but you said a similar line in your movie, and it's, it's. And I watched you say it and I went, so what you have, by the way, you directed it. So I don't know who gave you notes, but when you tell me, say this line, I'm going to give it to the way I think it should be said. Right? And they go, give me a different energy. I'm going to give you pretty much the same variation of what I just said. I can say it with a little bit of a scottish accent maybe, but that's about it. But you have such an ability to take pivotal. You know, it's like the thing with Arnold Schwarzenegger is he never knew that I'll be back was going to be the line. And that's why it stuck.

That's why. A hundred percent.

Because he didn't put any energy into it. Yes. Like if you told him, this is our cash.

Yeah. He would have sold it in a huge way.

Yeah. And I think I did that. But in your moments, you're very good at being small, but making that small moment very large. But that's the key when we talk about the media changing and I look at someone like Theo Vaughn, do you know Theo Vaughn?

Killer.

I love Theo.

Me too. We tried to cast him in an animated show. We did a show. Well, this was years ago.

It was called Theo. There's so much you can share about Theo. There's so much you can share about Theo. I choose sometimes not to, only out of respect for, like, I don't want to be in a clip about know, but all I will say is he hears a drum no one else hears, and he does his own thing. And he has done things that. He has done things that if I told you right now, nothing bad nothing bad, but just being a real artist where he doesn't feel it, he does his own thing. Where you'd go, are you fucking kidding me?

But he was one of the guys who blew my mind. You. When I came here and we did, something's burning that we sat in the back and had a bunch of drinks. You, like, broke down the structure. Dax Shepard hanging out with him.

Shepard's fucking fascinating. He's an awesome guy, dude.

Really fun.

I trashed him on two bears one time. I didn't trash him, but we busted balls.

I don't think he's a sensitive guy.

He doesn't seem so. I watched him pull a pin out of his wrist. And by the way, I'll tell you this. This is all you need to know about Dax Shepard. He married Kristen Bell. Kristen Bell's a fucking gangster. She's got all of it.

She's an animal.

She's got all of it. And she seems to be a pretty legit fucking mom.

Yeah. And he's a killer, man. But you three. So, Theo, years ago, we were doing this anime show with Gareth Reynolds. He was one of the eps on it, Ben Hoffman.

What was the show? Hoops.

Hoops, yeah, I saw was. So I was the lead voice on that. Ben Hoffman. A tisho. Wheeler Walker.

I don't think anyone knows that.

Oh, yeah. Interesting. Never mind. God bless. He's a musician and a comedy writer and an old friend. Like, an awesome guy. Sorry. Cut that out.

Hey, it's up to you guys. Editing in the studio. Cut it out or leave it in.

Whatever.

I think it's fucking fascinating.

Whatever it is. It's crazy. So crazy and so committed and so deep that you're like, look, and I.

Also know, okay, someone send this clip to Ben so we can. Someone's clip to see if he doesn't want it in. Because we won't put it in.

I think that's right.

This is how great it is.

This is how great it is.

I don't wish he died in a plane crash so we could just share this information, but I kind of do because it's so funny.

Well, eventually, it's going to. What I don't understand is. Well, anyhow, we'll see if he'll even put it in. But we auditioned, so the part I play, an abusive coach from Kentucky. It was a Ben's inspiration, kind of whatever. We were looking to find the seven foot kid who was going to be, like, the prodigy that my guy saw. Like, I see the world in you, kid. And my guy's trying to get out of this fucking high school and get to the pros. There's a seven footer at the school. The seven footer just doesn't have the brain for competition. He's just a weirdo. We auditioned a bunch of people. Do you know that? Fucking Bert, stop interrupting, interrupt, interrupt.

Do you know that the majority of seven footers don't, because they've been famous since they were, like, in fifth grade? They've been famous. They're the tallest guy, and everyone goes up to him. It causes a lot of social anxiety with them. We had a dude that was the biggest guy at our school, and immediately you just assume he's comfortable with interaction because he's the biggest guy. And he was a very quiet, soft soul. I think he's, like, working in computers.

Here's the other side. You know in the movie, the seven foot guy in the Michael Jackson thing who attacks me? That's Bobon Marjovanik. Did I say it wrong? No, no, you're.

Fuck. What are you, a big serb?

I just offended the serbian community.

Okay? He's in the NBA.

Yeah, he's in the NBA. He's seven foot four. I wrote the part with him in know. I'd seen him. I dm'd him to do it. He came on board. He was the opposite. He just did our podcast, this guy.

Yeah, I know that guy.

He came on the podcast, too. He's actually the opposite of that, what he does, because he's so big. I mean, 74 is real. And when you're around it, it's otherworldly. It feels like you ate mushrooms because you just go like, you're like me, but you ain't like me. His is the opposite. He says hi to everybody. He makes everybody comfortable, so everybody gets at ease. And I was like, oh, you got that magic gift of you walk into a space and he just goes like, hi. Warmth, warmth, warmth. And it works for him.

I would love to be 74. Do you know how big my personality would be if I was seven?

Yeah. You know how hard it would be to fly?

I would have so much money if I was seven. Four.

Yeah. I don't know fucking money. Seven foot four, stand up.

It's been my day at carnivals. Hitting the fucking hammer on the thing.

Ding.

All day long.

I guarantee you're making more money what you're doing. So you're right, Bert. You could get nine funnel cakes and, like, $200 a day. I guarantee you got a better.

The funnel cakes at Knottsbury Farm are the best funnel cakes I've ever had in my life.

I bet you can get them.

I interrupted you, theobum.

So we're auditioning people for this part of Maddie. Theo comes in. I swear to God, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. I didn't know Theo at the time. I didn't know him as a stand up. I wasn't into the podcast world yet. And if you're not into it, you don't really listen. You don't know. I just see this dude walk in nowhere near the script. I'm sorry, man. I'm going to try to get these. He just starts improvising. He finished. We. He walked out. He was like, that's got to be the guy. We went to the studio, the network. We're like, no choice. It has to be him. We were texting EMA. He was like, yeah, I guess I'm interested. It's fun. I auditioned for it. He got his offer from 20th century. They do a standard rate. Everybody gets the same rate. I've done shows. There's no negotiation. That rate is not good. But you do it because you're on 20th century. You might get on.

I don't know.

You just say yes. He goes, no, I can't leave my living room for that. And he's like, I don't like to drive. And then as it was going back and forth, I was sure it was a negotiation move.

Oh, no.

It was done. Never engaged again. And I was like, how? And then Ben goes, he's got a killer podcast. And I was, no, no. You do this whole game to do film and tv, and that was the beginning of. No. Other people are playing a different game that I've been playing since, like, 97. And then here at your house, I was like, remember? I kept thinking this was your family home, and I couldn't believe it was a fake kitchen. You know how many times I've talked about that fake kitchen? You have a fake kitchen. And I was like, what galaxy are we in? Every room I walked in this house, there's some, like, weird 26 year old behind a computer just going, like, editing. You guys are all working? Yeah, we work for Bert. Doing what? This one. How's that one doing? Really big numbers. Every cabinet is full of products. What company sent you all those hats? I know one did.

Shout out to Locke hatter out of England. You guys are awesome.

Thank you.

Winston Churchill day. Tom was one that introduced me to the fact that the business had changed over the pandemic. I've never tracked my money.

Meaning what?

Meaning I know what I made when I started headlining, but this is how little I am with how bad I am with money. The first tv show I got was $5,000 an episode, which is a lot of fucking money.

Agreed.

Still, to this day, 5000 is my threshold of where I know you're good. If you make $5,000 a week, you're fucking good. Agreed, buddy. When I found out I was making $5,000 an episode and it was a weekly show, it was $5,000 a week. Okay, $5,000 a week. We did four shows a week. So technically, when you break it down, it wasn't the greatest money, but it was still a lot of money for me. I looked at my budy Eddie Fernandez and we were on Franklin and I looked at him and I said, I'm a fucking millionaire. I didn't do the math. I thought I was a millionaire. But 5000. When I went to Travel Channel, when I went to Travel Channel, I said, anything over 5000 and they're like, you never get that. An episode, then. That was an episode. It was still three days of work.

But was this the birth the conqueror?

Birth conqueror. And they gave me 7000 an episode. And I was like, I made it. And so that's the last time I remember making money in my head because I go, anything above 7000, we're good. We can pay for our rent, we can pay for everything. The other day I was taking a piss and I went, I literally said to myself in a panic, what happens if everything goes away? What happens? Do I have enough money? And I literally didn't know the I, but I don't follow money like that. I know I make good money on the know that. I know that. I feel like I can last for a while and maybe I can make it to. But, like, I don't pay attention to money that way. Tom said to me when we were doing, we first started two bears, and we started getting ad sales on two bears during the pandemic. I guess I can burn it to the ground. Like Pat McAfee travel channel came to us. I used to be a travel channel and they were like, yo, we'd like to hire you and Tom to do a tv show for us.

And I was like, that's why you do the podcast, 100%, right?

That was the model.

You do the fucking podcast. And I went to Tom and he was like, cool, let's do it. So they came back with their offer and Tom said to me, we make that what they want to offer both of us, we make that. And I went, what? And he goes for like, yeah, a read. And by the way, they weren't offering a ton of fucking money at the time. It was during the pandemic. And I went, and he goes, for 1 minute of me and you reading an ad.

We get that.

We get that.

But they are going to give notes and be in control, and they're going to decide if we do more. Shocking.

And then at that time, we had offers from a bunch of different people to buy. Something's burning. Something's burning was at a different company for a while, but I owned it. And so it was complicated, but I owned it. And so I could make the decisions of what happened with the show. And they came to me, and I remember hearing the money and thinking of what Tom said, and I said, I'll do it, but I want no notes. And they were like, okay, it's what we shoot. You'll get that. I'll just shoot that and I'll give it to you and we'll give you the edit and you can air it. And they came back and they said, that's awesome. We'd love it, but we'd love the little man on the street stuff. And I went, no. I said no notes.

Yeah.

And I remember the producer that I was talking to that was helping me sell this project said to me, you can't say no notes. I said, well, I'm in a position where I can say no. I can see that's right. But it was the old paradigm, and now things have shifted, and I keep going back to Pat McAfee and not to, like, I hate talking about my friends too much on podcasts because I feel like they get clipped out badly, poorly. But Tom. And I remember Pat McAfee when he was just a punter with a podcast.

Yeah, totally.

And I remember thinking, how much of this punting salary is he going to run through on trying this podcast shit? Because his podcast was good. It was good. But I was in that old paradigm, a travel channel. I think I was a travel channel at the time. And then I watched him turn into what he is, and it's like, oh, you just got to believe in yourself. I say that to anyone listening. And I know Tom's had some thoughts about money and what to our fans, but the truth is finding the thing you fucking love and believing in yourself. You did that with this movie. You believed in yourself. You got the money, you wrote the movie, you made the movie, you starred the movie. You called in friends to do favors for you, and they did them. And the movie's fucking phenomenal. And that's the new paradigm. That is the new paradigm.

Interesting.

It is.

Because here's what's trippy, Bert, so here's where the whole world for me is.

I'm going to have another drink. I haven't had a buzz in 15 days.

Nice. Why not?

So I am changing my lifestyle, longevity. I'm trying. Drinking tonight at your party. I'm drinking tonight.

Gareth is going to be there, too. We're going to have some fun.

I got a set at 715 at the improv, and then I'm going over.

Oh, fun. Good. You're going to be jacked up.

I'm going to be jacked up. I only have one joke that I'm telling tonight that's new. I have one joke that I'm going to try. I think this is funny. I think it's funny because Tom texted it back to me. This guy DM'd me. He's like, hey, you're going to be in Stockton. I would like to bring the Diaz brothers and a couple of MMA guys and a bunch of people. Oh, yeah, I'm taking a shit in Park City. And I just write. I voice text. Absolutely. And then I hit send and voice text changed that. I'm so fucking lonely.

And the guy wrote like, cool. So yay or nay on the Diaz brothers.

I'm so fucking know what?

I will say. I'm a UFC guy from back in the day, and I faded a little bit, and I got into it because of the Diaz brothers. When those guys. Now, when Nick, I would argue, God damn it, Bert. Stop fucking interrupt.

I would argue that the Diaz brothers are gangsters, right?

They're real fighters.

They're fucking gangsters. Goes into that magic sauce.

But here's the difference. Nowadays, you have all athletes. Everybody looks like GSP. Everybody's got this certain body, and everybody does everything. The reason that Nick Diaz was Nick Diaz, he showed up in jeans. And I remember watching fights where you would have, like, it used to be back in the day, you'd be like. And we would all get together and we would gamble on it. And if I was running the gambling, you'd go like, all right, the fat guy who seems to punch versus the jiu jitsu guy. When Adia's brother came up, you were like, well, it's going to be them. It's going to be like, jake Shield. It's going to be that guy burns. And they might literally walk into the ring in asynchronous jeans and a t shirt and then fight. Nowadays, it is such a sport. ESPN is all over it. Reebok on it. Everybody's got their sponsors. Everybody's playing the game. You see how it got corporate. You see how it got big. But I'm like, where's Roy Nelson? Where are the big fat bellies? But if he catches you, and that is the thing that I will say with everything that I miss.

And as the world keeps changing, I'm like, there was really something to. You would have somebody where you're like, that's a professional martial artist. But that motherfucker is fighting. This tough dude from Stockton who grew up with his brother as badasses trained jiu jitsu. But they have now worked themselves in a frenzy. They hate you.

My favorite Diaz clip. And by the way, I have a bunch. I have a fucking bunch. My favorite Diaz clip. It's a Nate Diaz clip. They asked him if he ever got bullied growing up. Dude, I could cry telling you this. And he said, nah, I had a big brother.

Yeah, so cool.

Never hated my sisters more. They did nothing for me. They gave me a sense of humor, but like, those fucking.

So I got twin girls. Not conjoined, not conjoined. That was still one of my all time favorites. But one of them came home. The other one was home from school, and she said, a girl in the group said, it's better when blank isn't here, talking a little shit about her sister. And my other daughter went, no, we don't do that. Don't talk about. And stood up and walked away. And a couple of friends went with. It was the proudest I've ever been as a parent of. Like, you're just setting the standard. And I feel that way with friends and my team. It's like, you've got a squad. You've got a group. You can't let people fucking piss on it. So when you go back to the Diaz brothers, what's so fun about them is they got a group in Stockton and you ain't in it.

Yep.

You're not part of it. If you are one of those celebrities, if you can hang with, let's say, they'll know you. So you're with them. You might walk with them. You're not with them.

No.

They're going to be nice to you. They're going to make sure you don't.

They may. Every now and then, you're going to get side eyes to them when they go, what did you just say, exactly.

Right, and then you're going to go, nothing. That shit. Which used to be more of UFC. Remember when it first started in our generation, used to watch on VHS and you would have, like, a 300 pounder, like, murdering some guy, and it used to be that and faces of death. Remember when those were linked rather than UFC and fucking pickleball were linked? It used to be UFC and faces of literal death.

I'm going to rope in this alligator. You should be.

Nowadays you have UFC, and then you're like, keep watching. Fucking cornholes coming on. And these fucking goobers are taking that shit seriously.

You know? Pickleballs kill more people than any sport in the world.

That's not true. But you're making stuff up. You just lie with sincerity.

No, but I only know two people that Matthew Perry and then this guy was snowboarding with. He was like, I had a massive heart attack after pickleball. And I was like, fuck pickleball, man. That's dangerous.

Yeah, pickleball is fun.

Have you.

This could be our way of working out.

This is. Dude, do not get Leanne started on pickleball. You know, she bought this house so that she could build a pickleball court in it.

Really?

She wanted to build a pickleball court where we park my bus now because she wants a pickleball court.

Fun.

It's so great cardio. It's great cardio. Here's the problem. It's deceptive to older people.

Because it fucks up your.

No, no, because they think they're getting a good workout, but they should not be working out, and so that's why they have heart attacks. Did you know Matthew Perry super glued his hands to his knees to stop doing drugs?

No, but I do know I did a press event with him years ago. We did some Hollywood reporter roundtable, and it's Matt Perry. So God bless the guy, but I'm a fan. And so remember in that era coming up when he was on friends and then he was doing movies with Farley, too, and Bruce Willis? I'm like, cool, man. And so everyone was around, and I'm like, I kind of want to chat with him a little bit. And he was crushing red Bulls. Really? And I'm an addict, so I get addicted to everything. So an addict sees an addict, you see it really quick, the way you were freaking out about those mints. Can Pete get those mints? Yeah. So anyway, the movie, can Pete get those mints? Yeah, so the. You. It's like, non.

Speaking of time. Good time to switch out for a new one.

Delicious. And so I said, like, you're crushing these Red Bulls, my man. And he goes, it's my thing. He goes, you have no idea how many I drink. He goes, I have a vending machine at home stocked with fucking Red Bull. And that's when I was like, oh, this dude goes hard.

He goes after it.

And I was like, he would be a fun hang.

The key is, did you read his book? No, I listened to his book on tape when I was not drinking for, like. I didn't drink for, like, three months, and I listened to his book. He says it. I've said to everyone, it's the thing you should listen to. It's really moving. Especially. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Because he's very open and honest.

Who did he kill? Keanu Reeves. Remember he did. I remember something where he did some statement where he was, like, making fun of some actor, and everyone got mad at him.

Oh, I don't.

Is that not true?

Was Keanu Reeves? What?

Oh, they did? Okay. Yeah.

They took it out of what? For real?

Yeah. He said something for no reason where he said, like, he doesn't like Keanu Reeves.

I kind of like that, though. Yeah, that's what Kat Williams did.

Cat Williams. Holy cow. Is that dude funny?

Dude, he burned all the boats.

Yeah.

He burned all the boats and stood on the shore, five foot five, going, I'm bigger when you see me in person. And let me tell you something. I bet he is.

Yes.

I bet he fucking is.

He's a murderer. He's a murderer.

He is. So you're listening. No one's shitting on Cat Williams.

Yeah.

And that's the weird thing. There is a thing in Hollywood where the person you think you're working with isn't who you're. I'm not saying this about Kevin Hart and Bernie and all. Not Bernie, but I'm not saying this about cat statements. But there is a thing where you get to work with the person you want to work with. You're super excited. Then you meet them and you're like, who is this garbage motherfucker?

There's also the other side.

What's that?

And that is you work with certain people. That. So I have now conditioned that certain celebrities, everything is a grind to get them to do any little things. You come into the party today and you saying, for yours, it means a lot.

That means it's not a grind. And I'll tell you why.

Hold on. But that means a lot because you are helping me. You taking photos there will help promote the movie. That means a lot, asking celebrities to do stuff, little stuff who are friends. It's like you're pulling fucking teeth. And then you meet certain people. Tom Cruise was one of those.

That's what you're going to say. Tom Segurk, because he's difficult, too. Keep going. You know what it is. And listen, this is the other thing I've learned in therapy. Tom's really good at setting boundaries. I'm not good at setting boundaries. I'm not good at setting boundaries. But I also know what a little bit of an ask and a little bit of a give means. I told you this. When people came to my premiere, like, busting with the boys, those guys came out. Leanne flew them out. But regardless, they got all came.

They did it.

It meant a lot to me. And when I got the invite for your party, I said, yeah, absolutely. And I was like, I won't shift the energy of that room. I'm not going to be like a big name, but just, if you see me, then you know that I really like you, that you mean something to me. That's why I show up. But you were saying the other side of that. Guys, I'm trying so hard not to interrupt. Trust me. You said the other side of that is when you see the celebrity thing we were talking about.

And they're fucking awesome.

Yeah.

And they come out and you expect them to be something. So you're going. Because me, as an actor, for most of my jobs, I like being number two on call sheet.

I like being number one.

You do?

I can't be number two.

Is that true?

100%.

Because of ego or what?

No. I wish I wasn't so fucking honest. I don't know if it's ego. It's not an ego because I wouldn't mind being with bigger. Got offered. I got. Fucking edit yourself, Bert, please edit the names out. I got offered a movie with. Yeah, edit those names out, please. Very casually, would you like to play a part in this movie? And I said, yeah, definitely. And I was like, well, hold on. Can I kind of go into the offices on a Tuesday and fuck around and walk into their trailer and say, hi, am I going to be like, where will I be? And they're like, no, it's a job. You'll show up for two days, and.

If they're there, you're at a small.

Part, very small part. And I was like, well, now I think I want to be in the process.

Yes. Okay. But that's different. So being number one and being like.

I don't care where mine. I never looked at a fucking call sheet.

Here's why I say it. Because being number two, which is where I like to be, two, three, or four, because what that is, is number one has to carry the whole thing. And when the big corporate machine comes around and says, these are your obligations with press, that's number one, number two, three, and four, they're just there to help the team win. And so I'm used to being around number ones. Certain number ones are better than other number ones. But when you see a number one and you get to a set and that number one only care, it's like sports. It's the same idea of if your quarterback is the first one to get there and last one to leave, you got a better chance of winning. Your number one is your quarterback. So I have worked with certain number ones where I'm like, well, you care about everybody. You care about the moments. You care about everybody feeling right. When I did the mummy with Tom Cruise, TC. TC.

He wanted me love calling him TC.

Do it.

If I ever run into him, it's, yo, what's up, TC, he would like you.

He wanted me to get thinner and stronger because we were doing stunts together. So he's like, it's dangerous because you got to keep up with me in two shots. So we started training. I'm a pudgy guy, so I started dropping weight pretty quickly when I had to do his stuff and eat the food that his chef was sending me. Right. So the director said through the scripty, continuity wise, Jake's looking a little bit different, and it might not track the answer there. If you're just concerned about the movie, is we got to worry about the movie. Tom was concerned about my life, and he liked the path I was going. He said, it doesn't matter, keep going. And I was like, yo, you care about me on a human level, motherfucker, as number one, and no one in the audience cared.

Okay.

But that was like an executive. Little details, scripty. His face looks a little. And Tom goes, Jake's into working out, and he's willing to eat this soup rather than the fries and the burgers he was bragging about. And when he tried to pass on the movie, wouldn't work out. He likes doing workouts, which I still have in my garage because of him, and, like, doing it with. I like it now. Know me, for example, that, to me, is the other side of Hollywood that doesn't get talked about because there's one voice, and that is the dark underbelly of Hollywood. I've never seen that dark underbelly. I see some egomaniacs who are bullshit, and they're just annoying kids and other people who are fucking awesome humans who are lifting everybody. And I'm like, fucking more of you.

Here's why, and I apologize to TC if he's hearing this. Here's why I can't do a movie with TC, because I will suck up to him nonstop. I will try to become his friend. I probably will become his friend. And then when he says to me, yo, we're shooting in sub saharan Africa tomorrow. We're leaving London at, like, three in the morning.

But we did Namibia.

We got a private.

I was on his private jet from.

London to Namibia, and when he says, we're getting on the private jet, I go, cool. And when I get on the private jet and see that it's just waters, I'm going to have a problem.

That happened. That's my real life.

For real.

This story happened, Bert. Okay, so that story happened.

I'm not saying I want to be number one, but let me finish.

Your example of your nightmare was my nightmare. We shot out for three months in London. I brought my wife and kids. Then we had three weeks in Africa where I was doing all the stunts.

Did you tell me this story? Is that why I just said it to you? Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going.

So we had three weeks of stunts. I was legit nervous. Not fake nervous. Yeah, real nervous, like scared. Like real pussy scared.

Tom Cruise breaks his ankle and keeps going.

Yeah, that's what. But I knew. And he also said to me the whole time, we're going to be in a two shot. Keep up. So I was scared. So my family, my wife and my kids are flying from London. Back home, I have three weeks of stunts, very little dialog. We're just every day grinding. In Africa. I have a flight from whatever airlines they booked me on. First class, got the fucking little bed.

Yeah.

I cannot wait to say goodbye to my family, who I love. And I don't drink around my kids, so I'm different. I'm a dad.

Yeah.

Alone on a plane. I'm back to being me. I'm a degenerate. Fucking throw them back, fat boy. Double jack on the rock. Yeah, whatever you want. You got any snacks? Yeah. And then once you start getting nice with the flight attendant, whatever you have for snacks. I know I have a dairy thing. I'm going to deal with it later. Fatten old Jakey boy up, because we are having a nice 12 hours. When I land, I belong to him, and I'm going to try my hardest, but I got 12 hours. I'm going to let it rip.

Fuck, yes.

And I was excited, honestly, and this is embarrassing to admit, but it's like a fat kid around a candy store. I'd been thinking about that flight for weeks, and that's a true story because I also knew, like, I don't have the time to watch, like, three or four movies in real life. I'm like, I'm busy. I'm always grinded. I love grinded. So I'm like, 12 hours to sit in a little cube and drink and watch stuff. I don't have it. I got it there. And I'm being paid.

Yes.

I get a text from Tom's people saying, tom would like you on his private jet to run lines.

Oh, and you know he's got a g six. Keep going.

Yeah. What is the g six?

Mainly the big one with the bed in the back.

Yes, he does.

I know he does.

Yes. So I go, is this negotiable? Because I got a ticket. I'm leaving in two days. They're like, tom would like you and Annabelle Wallace, who's the lead in that, and she's the best. The three of you are going to go on. He wants to run lines. And I said, like, is there alcohol on the plane?

I love that. That was your first fucking question.

You got 12 hours, man. 12 hours on a little and flying stuff. No alcohol.

And Tom flies. He flies? Yeah, he flies.

Well, we would get on his from set in Africa to the hotel. He would fly a helicopter and we would be on it. So he would fly it and the way it would work. And this is why you would love him, Bert. Full wardrobe miked. I'm dressed like an army guy. His head of security of Mario, special forces. Animal, real animal would go, Jake, you're coming with us. We leave now. My clothes are in my trailer. You don't go back. You sprint to the fucking helicopter. You know who else is running? Chubby little hair and makeup girls. The whole group, eight people. We're running with Tom. Why are we running? No reason. You want to know when the helicopter leaves, when he wants to leave? We're running. We're running. We get on, we buckle in. Side doors open, take off. Then he would go like this. Hey, guys. And then he'd be got on my phone. I filmed him a bunch because I'm like, you're the weirdest guy I've ever met. He would go, like, you guys want to see the oldest part of Africa? And I'd be like, yes. I take that back to you.

That's what I'm saying. So then you get on the plane, right? And I'm thinking, so this is going to be 12 hours of work. We do 40 minutes of lines. And then you realize pretty quickly he just wanted some company. And there's no alcohol, and then he's getting tired. We eat, food's delicious. But it's 09:00 we got 9 hours ahead of us. And he's getting ready to go to bed. And I'm like, he kind of fucked me. You invited me to a sleepover party. You don't have Nintendo. I'm fucked, my man. So then he goes, you guys want to watch a movie? And Annabelle, who was Annabelle Wallace, is a killer. She's so funny. She had the guts. I didn't. And she goes, yeah, we're looking for a good movie. You recommend anything? And he goes like, yeah, well, there's, I've got everything. I've got like Apple TV or whatever he had. And she goes, well, can you pitch some good movies? And I go, anything with Tom Cruise in it. He then pitched his library as a joke. Bert, his bit timing. We were cry laughing. He'd be like, if you like a romantic comedy with sports, he would then pitch that one.

Everything. He went line by line.

What movie do I watch with Tom Cruise on his jet with him? Pull up.

Born on the 4 July born.

No, I'm not watching that one. That one's depressing.

It's a great performance. Magnolia. His performance in that is incredible.

If I was on a private jet with Leonardo DiCaprio, first movie, without a fucking doubt.

Gilbert Grape.

Do Arnie. I want to see you do Arnie now as an adult. Fuck yes, dude. He was so good as Arnie. He was so good as Arnie. And, you know, he can still do it. If I had hosted the Golden Globes, my first opening, would you host one of these things? Never.

Why?

I'm fucking not that comic. I'm not that comic. Meaning? I talk about my life, and I think I'm better at talking about my life. I've actually thought in watching the Golden Globes how I would have approached it, because I think it's hindsight's 2020.

How do you think he did?

I think he did great.

Yeah, I didn't see the show. I just saw backlash about him and I don't know the man. And then I saw an eight minute clip and I was like.

This is a good. I don't. I didn't get too in the weeds on it. I like Joe, and when he did it, I was so excited for him that everything he said, I was like, fuck, yeah. Fuck yeah. Like, sure, there were some bombs in.

There, but here's my question to you then. What do you think that is that all of a sudden, the headlines. Because the reason I know about. I don't watch those award shows. I don't care about them. I don't care.

Really?

Couldn't care less.

That whole even I care, and I don't care. Like, I really don't care.

Couldn't care less. Never. And I've been to them when new girl was getting nominated and spider verse, even while I was there, I was on the stage during the Academy Awards when we. There's, you know, certain things really satisfy you and feel good. Like, when you said you didn't care about money, I could not relate to that. Money is the validation for me, because that means it's, like, real.

It's happening.

Numbers, the analytics. I was talking to Leanne about this before when we first started, the numbers matter. So for the podcast, we're here to help. When we started doing that, I was like, I don't know. Gareth was really pushing it, and I'm like, I don't want to do a fucking podcast. I didn't get it. He's like, you're going to not only like it, but it's going to work. You're going to see when we started those numbers, because I study the numbers of everything I do are dwarfing numbers of big corporate stuff. And I'm like, by the way, thank you for doing our show. But I'm like, how could these numbers. And at that time, we didn't even have a studio. We're filming Zoom. But I'm like, these numbers are beating the numbers of this show at these number. And that's when I started getting, like, fucking exciting, man. But the idea of an award show, you're paying a publicist, you're paying a stylist. You have to go to an event that is not fun to be at, for a network to make money on ad sales, and then a guy like him who does a set he got ten days before, how could the headlines not be like, great job, man.

What are these headlines?

The news cycles have learned what podcasting did originally, which was say, wild shit, and people tune in.

Interesting.

It doesn't pay to go. Joe coy did just.

Solid job.

Yeah, solid job, man. Can you believe this guy got it in ten days, had ten days to prepare, and this is what he did. It's pretty good. A comic who's never been in the movies, that scale. These guys hung with the.

I'm crushed.

I mean, listen, I'm definitely not, and I have been in the business, but I'm not in the business of trashing comics. I have done it before, but I always try to find the bright side in what people do. And all I can tell you is I would have done worse. I would have done Joe killed it in my perspective, because me on there, I would have been nervous. I would have been sweating. I would have been shirtless. Who the fuck's this guy? My opening joke I already figured out, like, in hindsight, how I would have approached.

What would it have been?

I would have gone. I would have mentioned my movie, obviously. Hey, guys. I'm sure you guys all know me from my major motion picture, the machine. Martin Scorsese. I hope you saw it.

Yeah. Great.

De Niro. We went out to you.

You passed.

Big mistake. Killer flower moon. Kind of long, but anyway. And then I would have immediately gone, Leonardo DiCaprio is here. Who? Remember, I would have also posted that I'd only seen one of those movies. I'd only seen tenant. Not tenant. The Chris Nolan Oppenheimer. So all my jokes would have been around Oppenheimer. That's my angle is I would have just been like, I apologize. I've only seen one of your movies.

I'm not watching them.

Like. But let's get into it. Hey, Nick Cage is here. Did you see Oppenheimer?

So I want to hear fun trivia to interrupt for a second about what's eaten Gilbert grape.

Yeah, I can tell you fun trivia, too. Go tin for tat.

Mine's going to be more fun.

Then let me start with mine.

Fine.

The mom lived till, like, 74.

Good for her. Yeah, right. God bless. I also think you're lying.

Google that. Google that. I could be lying.

I think that's a lie.

I'm not lying. But my memories are weird. I read stuff, and then I know how it makes me feel.

You started this with sucking dick. Doesn't make you gay. And I would be a bottom.

Her name was Bonnie Grape.

No. Died in 2017 at the age of 69.

69. Close enough.

Maybe.

I read the fact, and I tell you the information of how the fact meant well.

Also, she lost 240 pounds in 2012 after a series of health issues in 2010 that nearly killed the goddamn woman.

Read her. I didn't read all of it.

Now, if she stayed, that.

You ready for another fact? Don't forget your fact.

I can't.

This is a fact. I feel like I read, but then I like to tell everyone what I read.

Okay.

And it may probably not accurate. You created drunk history.

Yes.

No, just leave it at that. You created drunk history.

I was the original drunk for drunk history.

Yes, but you were talking to the.

Guy, Derek Waters, who you would love.

What's eating Gilbert grape? Don't let me forget. Keep going, though.

Yeah. You and I are similar in that we both like to party. We both like to work hard. So. Especially pre kids.

Why? I didn't even work hard before kids.

Phoned it in, by the way, for the first time, one eye closed, I said, pre kids, and you went like this. I phoned it in. Amazing.

I flexed my white privilege until it stopped working.

Your backstory about college is incredible, dude.

I am.

It's incredible.

There's no reason anyone should like me.

It's an incredible backstory.

Anyway.

Oh, you know, you should make is a movie. Van Wilder again, but with you as the guy. And, you know, like, Rodney dangerously went back to school. Yeah, a back to school where you're a fucking whatever. You go back to school at a certain point in your life, and you go, you motherfuckers don't know how to party the way we used to. I'm going to show you how to do college.

Kill those kids.

No more sucking dick. No more sucking. You guys have convinced. All right, never mind. I'm sucking dick. Let's fucking go. So here's my trivia. The older sister in that movie, Mary Kate Shellhart, I dated throughout. We went to the same high school. We came out to LA together. Stayed in a house. That made the cake.

Yes.

She made the cake.

Yes.

Mary Kate Shellhart was in my high school. We grew up together. She was the only actress in our whole town. She had that movie poster in her basement. She had Apollo 13. She's a really talented woman. She went to Carnegie Mellon and in high school. We ended up dating at the end of high school, into college. And I was around her during that whole period as well. We came out here. She had a pilot season when we were 18. We stayed at a hostel on Hollywood Boulevard while she was auditioning. I would walk with her to auditions and then. That's a pretty good trivia. Yes. It's good that the mom lives way better than mine.

Mary Kate Shahart, I just watched that whole movie.

She's a great actress, by the way.

I watched that whole movie, beginning to.

End, it's a fucking awesome movie.

It really delivers. I didn't realize that the grandma and Julia Louise Dreyfus. Not Julia Louise.

It's a different movie with her grandma Lewis. Yeah. Why is he not.

Why is he climbing? What was I saying?

Don't know.

Oh, that. They left for a full year. They left Arnie and Gilbert for a full year. At the end of the movie, they go for a full year on the road with their caravan and come back and pick them up.

Wild.

I know. It really is a great movie.

You want to hear another trivia about Johnny Depp? You might know this.

Hold on. Let's take our time.

Are you a big JD guy?

I got a voicemail from saying, bert, it's Johnny. Hey, I understand you like to have a couple drinks, like to party. Come on over to my house.

Really?

Yeah. We'll text you the address.

Do you have it?

I fucking new phone because of goddamn fucking Internet. And I lost. No, me. I gave out my phone number. And so I'm not the smartest guy.

Johnny Depp.

Johnny Depp. And I was at a Christmas party with my kids and I left. I said, guys, johnny Depp called. I'm going to go party with Johnny Depp. And he wasn't there. I spent the night at his house.

Wait, what?

I went to his house, spent the night in his house, partied by myself with Stanhope. Stanhope was there.

This is the weirdest story I've ever heard.

We ended up. He's like, johnny should be back any minute now.

Hold on. Johnny Depp invited you to a party. You went, he wasn't there. Doug Stanhope was there.

And me and Stanhope stayed in Johnny Depp's house just drinking cold beers and then whiskey. And then I slept in Johnny Depp's bed. Johnny Depp's bed. And it was like Jon Snow's bed. There was like a wolf cover. I'm being. It was like. It was like the crazy. I mean, I spent the whole night walking through his house, looking at his shit.

Why wouldn't you?

And it was like.

You'd be a maniac not to.

Johnny Depp's my big white whale. I got a couple big white whales I want to party with.

Yeah? Who are they? Top three.

Well, I know this isn't popular, but I want to catch Ben Affleck on a fall off the wagon night. I want to catch him. Seems fun.

Ben Affleck, when he. So I have a sad Ben Affleck story, and it was the beginning of when I realized my career wasn't what I thought it was going to was, you know, you have your dreams.

Yeah. Oh, I still have them, yes.

And your dreams? For me, my dream was always, like, doing cool stuff and cool people thinking it was cool. Right. And just doing the good, whatever the quote unquote, the good stuff is. That was the idea. Not for me. And new girl started, and I knew it wasn't the cool show, but Pete had a fan base. And when you go back to the five grand I was making money I had never been making. I was pretty fired up. So we get an idea to. They contact us and say, do you want to host an award show called, like, the do right awards? And I said, no, thank you. I'm not a host. And they said, a Lamorne would really like to. And the rate was something like 20 grand.

A Lamorne.

Lamorne. Who's in the show with me. Really good friend.

Sorry. I'm sorry.

Yeah, I love the idea of a Lamorne, and I'm going to talk to him about that. You were referred to as a Lamorne.

Wait, is he the black dude?

Yes.

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, he's one of them. Damon's the other black dude.

Damon was in that?

Yeah.

Oh, I didn't know.

Yeah, Damon was in the pilot. And then I can, you know, I.

Accosted him one night about, oh, wait.

Were we going to call Damon?

Oh, we're facetiming Damon to find out if he finds it offensive when british dudes do black dudes accent.

Should I call him right now?

Don't fucking forget the Ben Affleck story.

Okay. So anyhow, they say that Lamorne was.

Damon Waynes Jr. Knows who I am.

Yes, I'm sure he does.

I don't know.

Damon is an everyday text buddy.

Really?

Yeah, for real. Love Damon Wayne Jr. Love him. We've tried to put things together. He is the best to work with. He's an unthinkably good writer. Great stand up.

His family is pedigreeman.

And it matters. That shit matters.

His family's ogs. You notice they didn't come up and cap Williams'monologue.

You know what's hard about being around somebody who's like, pedigree like that? When you look at your family lineage and you go like, you got Damon Sr. You got all these uncles, these cousins. I look at my group and I'm like, what are we doing? I got an uncle got his dick sucked by a fucking dude. I got a guy who bragged about getting a blowjob from a man and then hustled me at chess. So I love chess now, but Eddie used to play chess with me, and he was like, my dad wasn't around growing up. I thought, like, I guess this is fatherhood. Let me teach you to play chess. We would play chess every day, he would teach me, and then all of a sudden, I started beating him.

Was that dad character in the movie? Did it have anything with you?

No, Chris. So my dad in real life was a cocaine. Got to him. Yeah, two to 17. But then we became the best of friends.

Yeah. And then. Hold on.

Fuck. Please.

Fuck, fuck. Go to Benefleck. And then I want to know. Fucking God damn it, Bert. Keep going. Benefic.

Okay.

I'm so bad at tracking, I just let the conversation go where it goes. But I've listened to podcasts where the host doesn't listen, and it drives me fucking nuts. So I'm working really hard on.

You're doing a good job.

Thank you.

Also, your body's looking good, Bert, I was in the gym with you when you were fat or staring at a fat photo of you throwing out a first pitch, and you must have said ten times, I hate that photo.

I fucking hate that.

I hate that photo. And a lot of fat guys have said that. And then you see them six months later, and you go, you're that photo. You might hate it. My guy, you lost three pounds, and you're going, dude, I'm walking up hills now. And I go, you're still about 300 pounds.

Oh, dude, I can do a sit up now. Keep going, keep going. Benefic.

So the way the award show did, they told each of us the other ones wanted to do it, and we were all good friends on that show. So I go, like, I don't want to keep money out of their mouths, so I'll do it. So long story short, we're hosting an award show, which I didn't know what it was. I didn't do any homework on it. We get to this thing, it's a big hangar in Santa Monica. Teleprompters hosting. Not my gag. I'm not a stand up. Not what I like, not what I aspire to. So I didn't even look at the bits. So one of them was, we're dressed in, like, white pants and red shirts, and we're doing, like, a boys band thing. And my vibe is, I don't care what my thoughts are until you get on stage and then fucking sell it. Whatever you think before. Once the lights come on. I'm a believer in now dance, motherfucker, because this is what you do for a living. So have your cool opinions. The lights go on. Hello, Madonna, whatever you guys want. I'm trying. Even though I'm badass. Me too. That's our job, and I believe that's what we do.

We have great lives for it. Shut the fuck up and dance. So that's what we're doing. So we're doing, like, some stupid bits. I'm reading the teleprompter. I'm dyslexic as fuck, so I'm reading slow. Don't mispronounce easy words and look like you're a true idiot. I'm going at one point, I'm on Max Greenfield's back as he's doing push ups. Bert, I don't even know the bit we're doing, but I do know nobody's laughing. I know that we're in front of thousands of people going, hate these guys. And I'm literally going like this.

I think.

Yeah, I look to the side of the stage and there's a bunch of people sitting on the side watching, too, who I hadn't noticed yet because I was looking this way, and Ben Affleck's in the front row. I guess he had something he was being awarded for, for his good behavior, and he was doing the mad Ben Affleck. And we finished the thing, and I get backstage and I go to Max Greenfield and I go like, fuck, Ben Affleck's here and he hates us. And he was like, yeah, man, our show is not for cool people. Your career is not what you thought. And Ben Affleck hates you. And he was just doing Argo. And I had this moment of like, he's right, dude.

But that's the thing I was telling you about that Bernie Mac clip.

Yes.

And the thing is, you don't have to be for everybody.

Yeah, agreed.

You really don't have to be for everyone. And I will never be accepted by the Hollywood elite. And I only know that because I was never accepted by the comedy elite. The comedy elite. It wasn't until I started doing arenas that the comedy elite started reaching out and being like, hey, I'd love to be on your podcast. And you're like, I've been a fan of you for fucking 20 years. Of course, even if they lie.

So here's what I will say on that, because I'm going through a huge change that connects to that. I've always thought you make projects for critics to like, so that the town likes. And that means the gatekeepers allow you to make another one. What this new era of podcasting people have showed me is the only thing that matters is the audience. That seems so basic, but that has not been the structure of the game. The structure of the game is the Hollywood elite, whatever that thing is. And that shit's not this fake, dark conspiracy. People pretend it's one thing. It's not. It's high school. Just a few people. But those agents, those managers, those pr, whatever that circle is, I don't know. I'm not in it. They need to approve. The critics all need to approve whatever this agenda is, whatever I'm trying to do. And if you're in there, you're going to get lifted up. But then when they decide to knock you down, you're knocked down. Then over here is an ocean of audience, and I'm like, why are we facing this way? Shouldn't we be doing what we all did when we started?

When I started up, I had a two man comedy show with my budy Oliver Rylan. We toured the country with it. We wrote a sketch show, and we improvised. We would just go directly to audience. If the audience didn't laugh, we would sit in the apartment, get really mad, and rewrite it. Now, all of a sudden, it changed. As opposed to, like, well, what did everybody think? Well, the audience didn't seem to like it, but we got these notes. The notes are good, so we're good. And now I'm going back to, for the first time in years, which makes me feel like I'm 25 again. The only thing that matters is the fucking audience. Who cares about all this other shit? If people show up for you, you're winning.

I would argue even sometimes it benefits you to do stuff. And I'm using Rogan as the example of this, but I know for a fact, and you triggered me when you said the word, and if they didn't like it, you went back here. I remember I got offered the man show at a really weird time. It was gone for a while, and I got a call. I was in Edmonton, and they said, hey, we want to give you the man show. Would you do it? And immediately, I was like, fuck, yeah. I mean, I have huge respect for Kimmel, for Corolla, for Joe, for Doug. And I was like, wait.

The second thing was Rogan and Doug's tanhouse.

Yeah, they did it again.

Weird.

And so I called Joe. Apologize, Joe, if I'm speaking out of school, but you're my friend. And I'll apologize to in person. But Joe told me, do not do it. You'll be put in tv time out. And he said, that's the way this business works. They put you in tv time out. And I've been there, and you don't want to be there. And he's just, the things are changing, and you can do your own thing. Just do your own thing. I'm not saying that he said, do it with Tom, but I know for a fact that the next call I made was Tom. I said, hey, I got off of the man show. Do you want to do it with me? And Tom said, no. He said, we could just do it. And ultimately, I think we did do our version of it, our thing. But you're totally right. But I would argue, in the same token, is that Joe taught us that not. I say this with massive respect, is that he would do things that, as an Audience member, as Joe's audience, I've always been a fan of Joe's that I didn't know I liked, I didn't know what know.

But Joe is like, you. Trust me. I'm curious as fuck. He is the most curious man you'll ever meet. Trust me as my fan, and I promise I'll bring you good shit. And that's the other part of that, is that the industry never trusted anybody. They trusted Martin Scorsese.

That's true.

They trusted the big names, but they were like, I need to put my fingers on that. I need to make it dirty. No one would have ever let Joe bring in people that denied Aids to his podcast for three and a half hours. By listening to that episode, I can tell you I was skateboarding, listening to it, fascinated. Called Joe and was like, dude, I don't know what the fuck you're doing, but, man, you got me listening to shit I would never listen to. And I love it because it's shit out of my realm. And that's the other cool thing about what's going on, is, like, you can trust in yourself and go, I want to make the thing. I want to make the thing that I think the fans like.

But here's the catch with that, because I totally agree. So what we're finding in our podcast and why I'm getting addicted to it is you get to see the numbers. So we'll have a thing. Like, there was a guy who was dressing up like, or pretending to be me in bars, right? So this really happened. I talked about it on Kimmel, but I got a note from a girl I get a DM from some random 20 year old girl. And I look at the DMs as much as I can. I think it's fun to go back and forth. Some random girl said, it was really nice to meet you last night. I don't go out a lot at night. So I go, well, you didn't meet me last night. And she goes, yes, I did, at the Rainds festival. And you gave me such sweet advice. And I said, like, I need to be very clear. The person who gave you advice wasn't me. And she sent me a photo of the guy, please let me see this. Yeah, that guy. So she sent me that. I know. So then I said to my wife, I go, what do you think?

And she goes, same eyes, right? So I was like, okay. So then I said to the girl, I go like this. I need to be crystal clear with you. Did this dude try to fuck you? Because if he did, I'm going to be honest, as a dad of daughters, I hate this motherfucker, by the way.

I hate him if he's trying to.

Fuck people with my name anyway. But either way, call me up. I know, but. Double teamer. But as it turned, I was like. I had that feeling of, like, this shit could get dark.

Yeah.

She said, no. She goes, he was really sweet, and he bought top shelf booze for all of us, and he really cared about all of our relationships. So I was like, all right, this shit's funny. So then I found out his friend owns a Viagra company called Mango. So I go, what? So she goes, yeah, they were giving, like, free mango out. So I got on Instagram. I found mango. I found the guy. I had a photo of him. So I sent this guy, Jacob Cohen, who runs mango, a photo. Yes. And I said, hey, bud, I know you were with a guy pretending to be me. I have proof of, like, I know you guys didn't try to fuck anybody. I know you're not creeps. Let's have this fun, right?

Yeah.

But I need fake Jake's info. And I'd posted things on Instagram like, fake Jake, I'm coming for you. I need to talk to you, bud. We have to have this chat. And he wrote back, like, I promise you, is nothing dark. Here's his info. So I contact the guy, and I say, like, hey, man, I'm not coming after you. I'm not that guy. I'm not setting you up for me and Gareth to kill you. We're going to be nice, but just come on the show and let's figure this out. So, fake Jake comes on the podcast. We do a whole thing. We're here to help, which is call. Well, we're helping me figure this out. So we have him on. We do the thing. We didn't have to run that by anybody. It's just a two off. That's not the structure of our show. We go right back to calls. Had. I pitched that, and I know this because I had a company at 20th century. For five years. I had a production company. I've developed movies, tv shows. I've done all that. As soon as I pitch that, people go, here's the problem with it.

The fake Jake is not your premise. You're right. But we just want to give the audience this, and I think they're going to like it. And I think the audience was smart enough to then realize it's just a two off, and they were. And that was when my beginning went like, if I had to pitch this, it dies. But if I just give it to the audience, we'll see. And if people don't like calls, we started doing too much shit about sex. We started seeing our numbers go down, and a bunch of people were writing in, like, hey, man, I'm a mother with a young kid grossing me out. And even my wife went, like, I'm doing dishes. Like, hearing about an orgy is gross. We went like, it's really funny to me, but let's cool back a little bit. The numbers went up.

The way I look at life, especially with my marriage, and I think sometimes I go too far north on it, but I'm in a weird relationship. I'm a weird person because I wasn't a big sex guy to begin with. I am a sex guy. I love sex.

Good question for you. Shoot. And if I'm talking out of school, if I'm talking out of school. Cut it. But I don't think I am, because, actually, I know I'm not talking. So now that you're doing testosterone, does it change that?

My dick's hard all the time.

Is it?

Yeah, it's hard when it shouldn't be hard.

God damn it.

As a matter of fact, we have a hard time. Cut it. If this makes you uncomfortable, we have a hard time because my dick will be hard, but I won't be able to have an orgasm. And that's never happened to me.

Never happened to me.

Leanne called it the other night. I hope this isn't streaming downstairs. Leanne called it the other night. She was like, no, I know where we're going with this. And this will be like an hour because it's hard.

All the fucking. And what's your goal? Where are you getting with your body? No, what's the goal, Bernie? Because you're changing. Oh, are you going to try to be six pack guy?

I would love to. I remember hearing people say to me a lot in my life, if I lost weight, I wouldn't be funny anymore. I don't think that's, by the way. I think I never thought I was funny to begin with. I don't know what you're talking about.

At least I'm in shape.

If you're telling me it was my belly, I'll gain it back. No, happily, I'm still fat. Like, if I take my shirt off, I'm still 230 pounds, is still overweight. I would love to be in shape and feel that only because of health benefits of, like, it feels good. It does feel different to get out of a couch, to swiftly get out of a couch, or to like, today, I was doing knees to chest like things, and it felt good to have full range of motion. All that feels good. I just want to feel good. It's my same thing with drinking. It's like, I don't want to quit drinking, but I definitely want to measure it so that I can keep drinking.

That's what my budy Steve Berge said. Sweet guy does a podcast called high strangeness, and he's my old party buddy. And he said to me, with drinking, he was like, because I had a period when I moved atwater, we rented a house, and all of a sudden, a bunch of Hollywood was coming to the TG bar with me and my house. My backyard became, like, the center, and I would make big fire pits, and we were drinking like crazy. It was early new girl. It was so funny.

And by the way, your demographic is all fucking chicks who are like, he gets us.

Well, I mean, sadly, the people I'm talking about were not, like, chicks coming over. It was like, young director dudes.

It's still cool as shit.

It was.

I would argue in a pivot that I would rather be around creatives than hot chicks.

Same with me. Guess what? Here's the best. When it's both.

When you've got, like, there's hot chicks that are creative.

So what we were starting to form in that atwater is people who weren't blowing up yet, but were further along than me. And what was happening is we were meeting at the TG, then we were walking to my house in the backyard, having a fire, smoking joints and partying all night. Fuck. It was really a fun era. And this was right at the beginning of new girl. Right after paper heart. There was a few movies that I was doing where I was like, anybody I would meet. It's kind of what you guys do with podcasts, which I'm now trying to copy. You meet somebody, you like them, you bring them into the fold. But we were just doing that.

Just. By the way, I can't take credit for any of that, nor can any podcaster. Joe Rogan gets entire credit for that because he was the first one to say, we're all on the same team, which is really cool, dude.

It's really cool.

When comedy goes down in history, Joe Rogan's name will be right next to Rodney Dangerfields as a dude who brought young comics up.

Yeah, that's neat.

It's true. But keep going, Atwater Village.

But. So I had a moment where what I was doing was I was drinking a ton of stole because you're partying with everybody, and I was on tv, so I couldn't get too fat. And then what I would realize is, when everybody left and I'm putting the fire out, you're smoking. The last joint of the night, I had this great realization, and that was if I just go to bed now, I'm getting the spins. I'm crashing on a couch. I feel like shit. Tomorrow is terrible. If I take one bad minute, I bar from my backyard in the morning. The coons eat it, man. You don't even see it. So my thought was, one bad minute for a full day, and guess what? I'm drunk. I can live through a bad minute. It's the equivalent of you getting butt fucked, right?

And wanting to experience.

Put me in the scenario.

Put me in the bad minute and let me vacation with that dude and.

Let me enjoy it.

Yeah, I probably will. I heard prostate exams or orgasms are pretty intense.

Prostate exams.

I've been googling prostate orgasms.

Have you had a prostate exam yet?

Yes. No, I had a colonoscopy.

You had a colonoscopy?

But I did the PS exam.

Really nervous about that.

Oh, don't.

Really.

Don't. You don't have it? That's the whole thing. I mean this to anyone who's nervous.

Yeah, really nervous.

My dad didn't get his first one until he was, like, 65. That's when you're nervous.

Interesting.

Yeah. If you're shitting blood, that's when you're nervous.

Interesting.

If you get it, the thing about doctors. God damn it. I want to get back to the subject we were talking about. But the thing about doctors, that should relax you. If you're listening and you're nervous about getting a cardiologist or getting a prostate exam or getting a colonoscopy, is that if you don't have any signs right now, you can stop it all. You can stop it all. Everything's fixable. Everything.

Scary berks. Some scary.

God damn it. Please tell me I'm wrong. Go ahead.

No, I don't know if you're wrong. A budy of mine, one of my kids have their best friends, right? There's a little gang that we've grown up with. So these five little girls, the three of them are two. I know them all, like little cousins. The dad over there is a brain surgeon. We used to share a backyard. We cut a hole in the fence. The kids all grew up together. Love those little kids. So get really close with the parents. He and I were talking one day and having a couple of drinks, and he had a rough day of work or whatever, and he goes, you know, the fifth leading cause of death in America? And I go, no. And he goes, checking into the hospital. Have a great night. Thank you guys so much for having me. Self reliance. January twelveth on Hulu. We're here to help. Anywhere you can get your podcast. And guess what? We're on YouTube, too. And TikTok, how scary is that? You want to know why? Infections. And you know why else? Mistakes. Because guess what? You know who's operating on you? Berto. Who's opening your chest? A guy who drank too much the night before.

Because these are not robots. My fucking. These are just fucking goobers, man. Who studied facts.

My dad just got out of surgery like 4 hours ago.

Yeah. Oh, wow.

And his nerve block didn't take.

Yeah.

So how was the pain? He goes, are you serious? They gave me a brand new hip, and I didn't have any painkillers in me.

Honestly, it scares me so bad. My dad, before he passed, I had a moment where I was having, like, a urinary tract infection or something, and I was really scared. And I go, dad, I think what they have to do is put a camera up my dick hole. And he's like, okay, because he had had cancer. He's like, okay, I understand what you're going through. You're panicking. I'm like, not panicking. I might just be willing to die from this.

I've done that with tooth problems.

Keep going. I would rather die than check this out. And he gave me great advice. And he said, whenever you go to any sort of doctor, you tell them I have a high tolerance to drugs and a low tolerance to pain. And I did it. I did it with a dentist. They said I had to get something ripped out in the back. And I gave the croco. That's my dad's nickname, his thing. They drugged me to a level where I was like, america's great. Blood's coming down. I'm like, I really love my country. I think I like it here. And I was like, oh, that works. So that's my only saving grace. My only saving other thing I think about when I get older, when diseases start. I started doing jiu jitsu. And the reason I started doing jiu jitsu is not because I like it or because I'm good at it, because I'm bad at it. And I got hurt, literally, by stretching. That's a sad truth. Reality, I have taken a month off because I got hurt literally doing a role, not fighting people. But we are about to enter the phase where we're going to have to start fighting some real stuff.

And we better be tough. Old people are the toughest motherfuckers on planet Earth because they're fighting broken hips. You'll see a 78 year old, 80 year old person. You'll see them, you'll see them all fragile, and you're like, you're fucking tougher than me if you're still on planet Earth and you're in your mid eights, the shit you've dealt with, where they're like, I couldn't take a dump. It turned into a rock. I have to pull it out with my hands. I'm like, pass. I'd rather die. These guys do that. They call that Wednesday. I'd rather die. Bert.

I don't know if there was like a calendar where God could point to it and go, that's the day you should die.

Agreed.

Everything after that really sucked.

I listened to this great podcast about. I think it was either it was heavyweight, which was an awesome podcast about somebody who went to Sweden and had a Alzheimer's or dementia knew was going to happen. So they just went out there and they found a doctor who ended their life. And it was from the wife's point of view, and it was the whole story of it. Hysterically crying, as sweet as it gets and the greatest ending. The guy, she said, he was such a chatter. He talked to everybody all the time and was really asking questions. And minutes before he died, he's asking the nurses where he'd be like, so where'd you go to high school, honey? And she's like, and then all of a sudden, he got a little tired. He's like, ooh, I got to lay down. And he's like, well, one last question. He's like, so you're telling me that's the best coffee shop in town? And she goes, then he laid down and closed his eyes and died. And I thought, like, oh, that's the way to go. Yeah. Again, self reliance.

That's the way to go.

That is the way to go.

I kind of want to go fighting an animal.

No, you don't.

Yeah, I do.

I'll tell you why.

No. Because I heard.

I saw footage today, actually, of two tigers killing a version of a wild pig. Its intestines had been ripped. No, but, Bert, it hadn't died yet.

Okay, maybe I was wrong.

So if you fight an animal, they don't go like this. Before we eat this chubby stomach and these thighs full of meat, let's make sure he's not suffering. They go like this. We got this motherfucker. Your insides are ripped out. You're going like this. No, they'll do what they want to you.

I just think. I don't know if I want to sit with it for a few years. I don't know if I want to sit with it or if it just happens to me. And I think, in my delusional brain, I got this.

Yeah, agreed.

And then realize, fuck, is that my lower half swimming over there?

Yeah.

I don't know. I think about death way too much.

Me too.

I think about it every morning.

Me too. Constantly.

Every morning, I think about it.

So do you think with your new longevity stuff, what do you see about that? Because for a lot of people who aren't doing that, who don't have those guys, myself included, what does that mean? What is this guy doing for you? What's he helping with?

They take ways to Wells, my company that I work with out of Austin.

I'll say it, too, if you guys want to. Ways to Wells out of Austin.

Shout out to Brigham.

Shout out to Brigham.

Brigham has hit me up. He's like, I feel weird talking about you on podcasts, but I want to celebrate your success. But I guess it's a weird thing to have a longevity doctor unless it works, man. But what they do is. I remember when I sat with. I wish I knew I remembered her name, but when I sat with my first intake doctor, who, she had given me an rivia, stem cells. She had done everything for me. She said, I'm just here to take a look at your numbers and write those numbers. So we're going to take a look at what you've got and then fix those numbers. So we're going to take a look at. She goes, I know your lifestyle. I know what you do. So let's try to just level you out. And the number one thing, the reason I went with him is my cardiologist said, your testosterone is low. Do you know that testosterone repairs your liver? And I said, I didn't. And he said, well, you should know that. He said, and keto is like, the best thing for your liver. And so those two things for me, I think also at the same time, I know better now, having had conversations with people in my life that have shared things with me that I didn't know were happening.

I know now how out of control I was. Yeah, you don't know when you're out of control. You really just feel like I'm getting shit done. I was making a ton of money.

Things were working.

Everyone was working. We're finally fucking doing it.

That thing is happening.

Yeah. The only thing I regret, I regret, and this is a weird, subtle regret, I regret my podcast presence from March of 2003 to like, July 20, 03, 20 23 20 23 to July 2023 because I was rolling in hot to everything.

Meaning what?

Meaning, like, I had days. Every day was a ten hour, twelve hour day of press activities. And so I don't think I ever put thought into anything I ever said. And I would just roll in, fucking booze in.

Yeah.

And I'd get up at six in the morning, I'd work out, and I would often be drunk from my night before when I worked out. And I would just be like, fucking shoot. Testosterone workout. Fucking. I thought I was on it. And I looked back at myself and I remember one interview which I thought was brilliant, I really did think was like, fun as fucking shit. It was with Joe DeRosa and Salvicano. And I look back and I realize I can see it. Not only if you can see it, but I can see how out of control I was. And I think that was actually even before this, but, like, I can just see this guy that was like, on a freight train. And I know this from having conversations with my family who said I was just, I was gone. I was not listening to anyone. I had blinders on. For me, it was about, I had this thing make hay while the sun shines. People are buying tickets to shows people are buying. You got a special remote, you got a movie remote, you got a tv show. And it was like, everything was like this.

And now I look back and I go, I wish I had been a tab bit more present in those interviews because I don't. Like, I remember Andrew Schultz and I did a podcast and he brought a clown out. I'm afraid of clowns. And my reaction is so over the top. But that's where my nerves were at the time. Yeah, my nerves were so frayed from everything that when a clown walked in the room, I lost it bad. And I look back, and now I feel like I'd be a little more present. I'd be a little freaked out, but I wouldn't be that freaked out. But I was just so gone. I was gone. I had a great conversation with my daughter this past weekend about that, and I was like, I don't think I realized just how hard I was pushing it. And so I think now I'm trying to get a little. But the whole thing about the longevity doctor was like, they got me to a place where that when I kind of had grounding after fully loaded, I got grounded. And when I started getting in shape, all of a sudden everything right at itself, like, everything fucking went to normal.

Like, everything. My bloating went away, my sleep, my heart rate dropped, changed. My heart rate was like 72 beats per minute, my resting heart rate, and now it's like 55. And I look at that and I go, wow, you got a finite amount of heartbeats. And here I am burning it, trying to make money still.

But there's moments. So when my wife was pregnant with my daughters, I had a moment where she was about four months pregnant, and I was at new girl, and I used to drink at work. I used to have a thing that after 06:00 p.m. Remember the Goonies? Up here is their time. But down here, down here is our time. I always felt once the sun went down and you were at work, I always kind of thought, but now it's our time.

Yeah.

So I used to always have a full bar in my trailer and any guest star coming in. It wasn't a cast that drank a lot, but guest stars. I could get kind of partying a little bit. Nothing crazy, but just have a drink or two.

Fucking the best.

The best. Also, if you're doing improv and you're comedy, who cares if you're able to do your job? It's fun, but I had a camera bee operator, this guy Paul came up to me one day and goes. And he and I had talked. He had told me about his childhood. I told him about mine. My dad's drink was stole. I was drinking Stoli. And he said, if your daughters were born right now and your wife is four months pregnant, what's the first thing they would smell? And on my breath was stole. And I thought no one knew because I had mints. So I went, like, mints months? And he went, like, it'd be the first thing they knew over their dad. And I had that great, like, that was my longevity thing where I went like. And that ended the Atwater world where I'm like, I'm a degenerate. Fucking Stop. So then I do, like, a hard ten months where you're like, fucking tighten up, motherfucker, because you're now on a path where you're out of control and you don't know it. You never know it, not while you're in it. But you need either a doctor or fucking a good friend or somebody who's not afraid to piss you off.

I had Tom. I mean, I look at the podcast we did when he moved to Austin, and when we first moved to Austin, I look at them, and I'm sure they were fun or whatever, but I was really out of control. And Tom would tell me that privately and on air, and I just wouldn't hear it.

You're in it.

I was like. And I was so bloated. I look at pictures of my face.

You're wild.

And it's like, really? Like. And I was like. I remember thinking, I don't look that bad.

Yeah. And it's fine. It's fucking good. So going back to the atwater stories, the way that kind of ended was. So what I used to do was I would take the bad minute. I'd barf in my yard. But then I was able to go to work, and I'm like, hey, man, I just did a fucking Hyundai commercial. Yeah, things are pretty good. You know how much they paid for one day? Then that night you're partying, and my buddy Steve Berg said, you're going at a pace that's faster than I think you can handle. And you're going to go in a pace where that when we're older, we can't get a beer together. And he goes, that's the. Just make sure, motherfucker, that when we're 50 or 60 and we get together, we can get a six pack of IPA and enjoy the night. And you're not in some program. And I remember thinking, the thing. Fuck you. But it's. Right.

That's been my target, is like, I don't want to stop this. I don't ever want to be at a place where I can't drink around people because it makes them uncomfortable.

Totally.

So I felt like I had to.

Show everyone I can stop. I can slow down.

I had to show to myself, really? Because the thing was, when you stop drinking, no one notices.

Yeah.

Only you notice. And then I had to do a period of time where I was like, but even a month. I used to do a month all the time. We used to do months for sober October. But it's got to be longer than a month. I agree. Because you really have to sit in it. You have to sit in it to a place where you go, I don't know when I'll drink it.

Yeah, I think that's right.

And then you have to get to a place where when people go, are you drinking? And you say, no, for real? You mean it? And then go, how long you go, I don't know. There's a lot of.

There's not some arbitrary dates.

Yeah, agreed. But when it comes to being skinny, I don't know. I'm really concerned about what I'll wear for my next special, because I don't wear a shirt.

Right.

But I feel like I've always worn jeans and sneakers, and I don't want it to.

Black leather pants.

I so badly want to do black leather pants.

Black leather cowboy.

We almost did white gloves.

Do it, Bert. You can do it, Bert. And a Chippendale's choker. You can do it. Do it.

By the way, earrings, eyeliner. I love that we're on the same page when it comes to partying, because the thing is, you got to earn the right to be able to drink on a Monday.

I think you're totally right, because, listen, everyone gets.

Everyone gets. Everyone gets.

You're not wrong, man. So, for example, tonight, we both know we have that event, right? So I knew coming. I had a podcast this morning. I had Kimmel yesterday. So this morning, I was keeping my head together when I was leaving today, I go like, I know Bert's going to drink now. I got a last second thing saying it was going to be two bears. I don't know Tom, but I do know you. So I'm like, I don't know if Tom drinks, but I know Burt and I can. And this is the beginning of my evening. So then I got that excited. I got that endorphin rush of, like, okay, fun.

So this is how my day worked. I said to myself, I hadn't drank. I haven't drank in like 15 days. And I said, but my favorite thing is a day, buz I love a day.

I love a day.

I'm going to have a cigar outside after this.

I can't fucking.

It's my favorite thing in the world.

Agreed.

And I love a day buz that bleeds into a night, buz I love to let it fall out a little bit and catch it again. I love all of that. That's why I got healthy was so that I could keep doing that so.

It doesn't have to stop.

And so today I was working out with Nomi, and I told her I was doing a podcast with you. And she said, oh, I can't wait to hear that. And I said, yeah. She goes, are you guys going to drink? And I went, I don't know, but I'm up for it. There's very few times that I say I'm up for it. I'm sorry that I'm coming back to this thing that you brought up, but I was on the plane with Georgia and Isla and Leanne the other night. We were flying from Salt Lake City to LA, and it was in a snowstorm, was bad turbulence, and I always drink on planes. I always drink on planes. And I was going to drink island. Georgia knew I was going to drink. Leanne knew I was going to drink. It was going to happen. But Georgia had said she wanted a soup and she was going to college the next day. And I knew I didn't want to be hungover for her leaving to and I wanted to be present when we landed so that I could go get the stuff to make her soup for the morning.

And so I said, okay, am I going to pay the bill to pay the tax tomorrow or should I just pay the bill and the tax now and sit in this uncomfortable flight and.

Miserable, but make sure the other shit works.

But know that all the other shit works. I had to say to my daughters, and I have to say this out loud because I'd be disingenuous if I didn't. I had to say to them in a car ride from Burbank to our house, I said, I have to give you guys credit for being as open and honest as you were with me during fully loaded and as out of control as I got and all your concerns. I have to be honest that those conversations helped me get to a place where I did not drink on the plane. I didn't do it not for you guys, but for you guys tomorrow. Not.

You didn't see me drink, you're right.

But so that I could be present tomorrow. And it's like those little conversations.

I'll tell you, the hardest one I have is not alcohol. It's weed, really. And I don't talk about it a lot. I like alcohol.

By the way, I don't count weed as a drug.

I love weed. Weed is so my favorite.

It is such a sweet lover.

It is. It's the best. When you talk about a day buz with alcohol, it's fun. You know what's better? One hit. When you wake up. You know what makes me happy as a human? When I wake up and I go on Saturday, I said I was going to smoke weed all day. Now here's what happened to me, and I haven't fixed it. I'm still in it. So I've been a stoner since I was 14 when I first met weed. I think I was 13 years old at my friend David Shane's basement, who had, like, a crazy panamanian mom who partied with us.

I would argue basements are the gateway to drugs. They're everything. Basements are the gateway.

No fingering, Bert. Nobody fingered you, right?

Fingering.

Fingering.

The first time I fingered a chick.

When was the first time you got fingered, my king?

No, I've been fingered once. I've been fingered a couple of times.

Who was your first finger at?

An asian guy one time. He was a doctor. He was a doctor. The first time I fingered a chick.

How's my prostate? Who knows?

The first time I fingered a chick, I just put it in like I was taking her temperature. I just left it there, like, is this good for both of us? And then yet last night in the hot tub, I realized how many times I had aggressively fingered a chick, not realizing there's pleasure for her down there. Just, I've been like, wham, wham, wham. I did that.

Right?

We're out. Can't wait to tell my friends about this.

Killed it.

Start up the station wagon, Sal. I got a story for you. God damn it. Weed.

So weed. So when I first smoked it, we were listening to Bob Marley smoking a bong, and I remember as the first moment, I'm like, whatever this is, is better than a Heineken, right? This is that shit.

Weed is a she. I think alcohol is a he.

Alcohol is for sure. He. Weed is the love of your life, but they're bad for you.

No, not what.

So at least for me. So here's what happened to me. So I met weed, fell in love.

She's so sweet.

And also gave me everything I needed.

Yeah.

Also creatively fun. Also school. Smoking pot during school and, like, freshman year, high school fun.

Weed's a good giggler. Like, as a best friend that giggles at you and goes, that is crazy.

But also, what I think about weed is I don't view weed as silly. I view weed as the friend who goes, yeah, man, but have you ever thought of.

Yeah.

And you go, like, I never thought of that. Thank you for that amazing perspective, millionaires.

Did I ever think of putting swim flippers on a dog paddle?

So it's the greatest love of your life, and it always has been for me. Then I booked new girl, right, which was the childhood dream. I was always wanted to be on tv when I grew up. And we were watching cheers or Roseanne, and the family all got together. We had one tv, and my mom was Maddox. Every once in a while, she would cut the cord. We watched too much. No tv. Then we'd buy another tv. Tv. And if you can all watches it together, and you could be happy. And cheers. We all were happy. I was like, I used to say, like, I want to be in that fucking box, man. I'll do anything to be in that box. And then all of a sudden, I'm on set and I'm there. It's happening. There's like a real Hollywood studio. I'd look up and I'd be like, weird, man.

And there's beautiful people. That's the other thing that blew me away, is like, beautiful people. I'd see people on tv, and then you'd work with them and you'd be like, I'm standing next to this person.

Yeah, there's nice looking people as well as, like, big guest stars, the Rob Reiners of the world coming in, and you're like, wow, man, Rob Reiner's here. But I had a thing where, because I was still smoking a lot of pot. Max Greenfield was sober. Lamorne was pretty tight. Zoe's pretty tight. These motherfuckers were getting monologs, burt, and were word perfect. And then I would come in from an improv background. An old fat boy was chubby with his dialog, and they would go like, yeah, it's really funny, Jake, can you say these lines? And I'd be like, which one, specifically? And they're like the ones written. And I realized, like, when I smoke weed, I'm worse at memorizing. I'm not worse as an actor. I'm fine in a scene if I'm allowed to put my own spin on it. But if they say, we need a technical actor, turn on this line because the camera is going to move. And on this word, you need to be facing here and then say that line, and we want to push in on you. So these last three lines, we're going to do a slow push in, but we don't want to cut from here.

And I go, like, super cool shot. I agree with the shot. And then the night before, I'd smoked, like, a huge joint to sleep. I'm, like, not going to be able to pull it off my guy. So I had to quit then. And since 2013, I'm in this dance where I'll stop for a while and going back to longevity, something that's a really embarrassing thing to admit. And I've told my wife this, and she's been like, this is why I hate you. And I think you're a weirdo. The only thing I'd be excited about, about getting, like, a sickness and being like, I'm entering a fight every day. I'm smoking weed. Because once you get sick and you're fighting, that shit's a medicine now. Now I'm going rastafarian. This is from the earth. Jaw gave it to us, right?

Oh, buddy.

I'm eating it as oils. I'm eating as cookies.

I've had a legit, like, fucking unhealthy relationship with weed. You have? When I stopped drinking, I wasn't sober. I was, like, smoking so much, dude, for me, I could take two hits. Three hits of shout out to bloom. They make a great vape pen, very healthy. And I would take two or three hits, and I would feel it kick. And the feeling of the kick would be a sideways smile where I go, wait, we still need keys to start cars.

What a day.

But the best part of weed, and I've said this before, but the best part of weed is, like, you smoke, you're feeling loose, you're having fun, you're giggling. You enjoy root beer, you enjoy cooking, you enjoy cleaning. Oh, cleaning. I clean the Garage. I dropped off when we flew in the other day. I smoked weed to make that soup, by the way.

All of a sudden, you go, turn that up. What is that? The Eagles? Dude, no music has ever sounded better. Man, blast that shit.

The number one thing on my fucking.

Playlist right now, Eagles.

We just went and saw them live.

My brother and I went and saw Chicago and Vegas.

I landed. I landed. Hold on 1 second. I landed. I have no fucking glasses in on. I landed. You're going to have to edit this out or do whatever you guys have to do. I landed. Everyone goes to sleep. I run to Ralph's, I get all the ingredients to make soup. I then turn on.

Yeah, you know what the thing about.

You, Bertus, I'm getting show bumps, buddy, and I'm getting fucked up tonight.

You know what I just realized about you, man, which, I like you a lot, man.

I like you a lot.

I mean, you're a very likable guy. I told Gareth after, I'm like, so nice and the most likable guy in the world. So when I went to the University of Iowa, there was a guy named David Sorin who I grew up with, and I was not in the fraternity. Never did. I've always been independent. It's always been my thing. I've never understood the idea of being in a group. So when I did improv, UCB was around, but I didn't want to be in. I didn't want to go to McManus bar and hang out with them. Always like, independence. So that's why standup never worked. I never understood the idea of being in a group. But my budy David Soren, who I grew up with, was like, I'm in a fraternity. And he goes, we're doing a thing called Russian. I know you're not going to join. You're a prick. You have got your stupid opinions that are wrong. Just come and pretend you are. Nobody believes it. Nobody cares. Just party with us. And I remember being like, I love Dave. I grew up with him. He was just the best. And I would go to his fraternity at University of Iowa.

We would get to his room, there'd be some random guy, we would smoke a bong, we would start partying. And then he'd be like, they're getting steaks delivered. And I remember thinking like, this is so fun.

Yeah.

The thing about you that you have in spades, listening to you, listening to the Eagles, is you're a fucking fun guy, man. And I got to say, I'm not a guy who over compliments. I'm not a kiss ass guy. I'm just not. But I think your gift. My mother, growing up, used to say, we have gifts from God, right? And that gave us confidence. So each. My brother had a gift from God. My sister had a gift from God. We all had gifts. Your gift, man. That whatever talent is that matters. You're so likable and funbert, and it's such a great trait. When you were doing that music, I was 20 years old. I had just ripped a bong. It was on top of me. I didn't know the five other guys here. And I thought, like, they seem fine, but that's my buddy. And when you were going, I'm like, we're going to have a hell of an exit. We're going to order Papa John's. We are going to let this shit rip, and it's going to be a really fun Wednesday. And that's an amazing trait, man. God bless you, bird. I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad I'm here, too.

And I was thinking about this while we were doing this. I'm like, we're just having a great deal. It's a chat. It's a bar chat. And I go, there's about 13 people working, watching this, being like, when does.

It end, by the way? I was going to kill this and pour another one. Here's the deal. We haven't even called Damon Wayne's Jr. Yet. What time do we have? Oh, really? But do we have a heart out?

I don't have a heart out. They're on their way here. They're getting here like an hour early. Oh, good. Do you have a heart out?

No.

Do you want to call Damon?

Yes. Can we facetime him?

I'm going to try. Come on, Damon, answer the phone.

Don Henley wrote that song in a car with a drug dealer. Do you think he'll know who I am when I say yes? I look red. I should get makeup before I start these. He's going to be like, who is this?

He's got six kids. His six kids? Yeah.

They fucking just did. Wayne's family not know how to pull out.

Did he answer? Come on, Damon.

I love when I see he'll Facetime back. That's how Facetimes work. Once they see you. Facetime?

Yeah.

Wait, who in my list do you want to FaceTime?

Who do we got?

I love Facetiming. I Facetime. I only FaceTime.

You do? Is that true? Do you cold Facetime? I got an embarrassing one.

Who?

So I worked with Olivia Munn on new girl. She came on great.

Yeah. I almost worked with Olivia Munn once.

I mean, as good as it gets. Really fun, obviously. Shockingly attractive. Really fun to work with.

Not shockingly attractive. Amazingly attractive in person.

So this is a true story. And if you put me in a corner here, I'm going to seem like a pervo, but I swear to God, I didn't do it.

Don't worry. I'll per view. Keep going.

I have butt facetimed her twice past midnight. Bert. I swear on my life, I didn't do it. But I've seen in the morning where I'm like, olivia M Facetime going out. It's happened twice. So that poor girl at about 1245 was, like, fat fucking weirdo and didn't answer twice. And then I had to text and.

Say, like, sorry, the saving grace of Olivia. Not saving grace. She's a great talent and whatever. She has a great talent for real. But that she fell in love with John Mulaney makes her, in my opinion, everybody a chance. I know, maybe that's it. Maybe that's it. But not me. But I go, she gets it. Yeah, she gets it.

Olivia Mun's a killer.

Saving grace about John Mulaney. Saving grace about John Mulaney. Yeah. The reason John Mulaney's sexy right back.

To the beginning of this podcast.

John Mulaney's sexy because in college, all he did was snort coke and listen to Steely Dan is that not the hottest dude in town, but that no one will get until he's rich and he gets.

I fucking love John Mulaney.

I love. I love. Like, there's a sexiness to Pete Davidson that I can't describe, but I don't have, like, the same thing you say about don't. I like those guys. So I can't really testify to that. But they have a sexiness, a Harrison Ford about them, where they're dangerous, but they're still fun to watch. Like, I fucking love those dudes.

You think of those guys like, a.

Harrison Ford in comedy. Oh, in comedy, I can't. Like, Bill Burr's got Harrison Ford to him. Rogan's got a Harrison Ford to him. Tommy's got a Harrison Ford.

No way.

In comedy. Dangerous. Okay, well, they're dangerous. I'm more like a. I like. I like to do the work. I like to show up.

But hold on.

If you tell me not to say something, I probably.

What made Harrison Ford so great as an actor was he was this three dimensional guy who was real, who was hanging out with Chewbacca. He was a badass. He could know Indiana Jones. He was cool, but also funny.

Yeah, but the thing is, they wanted to offer Han Solo to Tom Selleck first.

Is this true?

Yeah, they wanted to offer, and then Harrison was doing all the table. I talked. Sorry, Mark. I don't know if this is common knowledge. Please, Mark Hamill told me. Please just they wanted to offer to Tom Selleck. Tom Selleck is who they wanted for.

Tom Selleck was going to be Han Solo.

Yeah.

Don't cut this out. Self reliance.

We're here to help.

Wherever you get podcasts, they wanted. Really?

Harrison was just a carpenter, and he was doing table reads with everyone as.

A favor I used to do. Were you ever in the table read circuit?

I did.

Me too.

A couple table reads. That's why I got offered the movie we were telling you about.

Yeah, same with me. That's the gag. So he was a carpenter.

He was a carpenter.

Couldn't be cooler.

Just did a bunch of table reads with everyone. Table read as Luke Skywalker. Table read as fuck's sake. This is what I mean.

That's cool.

Yeah. And then after doing all the table reads, they were like, I don't know. There's something about paraphrasing. Mark. I apologize. Mark. I was drunk when you told it. You were not.

But you're giving your version.

I'm giving my version. And they wanted Tom Selleck. He was, like, fucking gorgeous. Agreed.

Magnum PI was a killer.

There's something a little laced up about Tom Seller.

Agreed.

And there's something really unlaced. I feel weird putting myself in the Tom Selleck group because I do think, obviously, clearly, I talk reckless as fuck. I don't think Tom Selleck would.

So we used to do a thing with my group of friends where we would always try to compare ourselves to basketball players as we came up as actors.

Okay. Oh, I love this so much. I'm never going to be able to say who I am.

Why not?

I'm already going Alan Iverson. But I'm not, because I loved Alan Iverson.

No. Who do you actually in terms of the NBA? Because I got a guy who I see myself as. Who's the guy in the NBA? Who you would compare because we would always do. Are you on a ten day contract? Are you in the league? If you're in the league?

I'm in the league.

So then who are you?

I'm in the league, but I'm undervalued.

Because people also bullshit. And they'll go like this Michael Jordan. And you go, not your ego, motherfucker. Who are you actually in the game? Who are you in terms of the league? You got real killers, man. And you can go, ego crazy. But what's beauty about the game is there's a lot of talent, and as long as you're playing, it's great.

Let's call Tommy and find out who he is. Because I'm curious now. I think Tom's in Japan. I'd probably be a foreign player.

Keep going.

I'd be a Serb.

Keep going.

Like Tony Kukos. Like someone who you go, mine's Andres.

Nochione, the old bowl player.

For real?

Yeah. Undrafted, a little bit older. Finds a way to figure out, help the team to win.

Like, I would be probably a Serb who none of the guys were cool with when he got to the team because he got overpaid and none of the people understood. But then in the playoffs, they were.

Like, he had a big game. He had a couple of big fucking rebounds, like a. Yeah.

And he's really good at. Tom. Didn't answer, but, God, fucking FaceTimes are shit today. I would probably be, like I say, tony Kukos. I think he's probably too, uh. I'd be Vladi Devok.

So, if you were a basketball player, Bert, what's your natural position on a team?

I'm not. Oh, I can tell you.

And what do you do to help the team win? Because I know what I do, and I know what I am as a baseball player.

This is going to sound super ego driven.

That's what we're doing, Bert. We're on a podcast, talking with 15 people in the room watching us.

If we're in therapy, and I'm talking.

We are honest. We are.

I am someone who. I'm a lineman. In football. I'm a lineman. You don't know that. It's important that I played the part. And I think sometimes I deceive you because I talk shit to other players and I grandstand.

Warren Sapp.

No, not defensive lineman. I'm an offensive lineman.

A guard or a tackle?

Guard. I'm definitely a guard.

You're on the inside. No credit.

No credit. But I do think there are people that value what I do when they see me push.

I don't see you as a guard.

Really?

No. And I'll tell you why, and I don't mean this as a bad thing. I think your gag, which is fun to watch, is that it's big and that it's showy and that it's in your face. I like the ripping off the shirt. So here's a funny story, and this is real. So, we did your podcast. The something's burning.

Yeah.

A couple of days later, I had a Q and A at college where they were paying me a nice chip to go talk to some college students up in somewhere. I can't even remember right now, which is embarrassing, but it was a nice chunk of change. And a budy of mine says, I'll drive you up. I was like, I'll give you a few hundred bucks. Let's make a day of it. We went up there, got mexican food, then I'm going on stage. My thought beforehand, because his name is Brian Farrell, my budy, he's a fan of yours. And so he's like, shout out to Brian Farrell. Shout out to Beans Farrell, South Pasadena series. So we thought, let's do. We were. Beforehand, we were like, we had it one too many. I had one too many margaritas at the ding. And we're like, we got an hour. And then as a joke, we were doing bits. And he's like, so how do you do these? Well, I'm not a stand up. I'm an actor, whatever the fuck that means. I'm a podcaster, whatever that means. So I'm going to go sit down, and whatever the host does, I'm going to follow their lead.

We're going to do the hour, and I'm going to hope to entertain. But it was a huge. It was a packed know, there was two levels. And then as a joke, we said, like, what would Bert do? And I said, I might rip my goddamn shirt off. And we laughed, and I didn't have the guts to rip my shirt off, but I came out there and did the huge energy from the start, and.

It helped, and the audience felt.

And I was going like, come on. And then at one point, the guy was telling me, he's like, you and Zoe have a classic kiss. And I thought of you, and I was like, yeah, we do. And he's like, can you tell us about that? Well, I didn't have a funny story. The story is we kissed on set. And Zoe's no Zoe. She's a pros. Pro. But what Zoe did, and these are the real story.

And this is Zoe. Don't work with me. I'm going for tongue.

She would pass.

Oh, well, you'll find out the hard way that I don't.

Congratulations.

I'd be like, that was awkward. Where was your tongue?

She's like, in my mouth, and my lips were blocking your.

Is she married to one of the property brothers, Jonathan?

Yeah.

I'm sorry, by the way.

As sweet as it gets.

Yeah, no, I met her. She's a very sweet person.

So the story is, in real life, she said, kiss me hard. But what I liked about it, because I went like, we were costars. We're buddies. So she's like, don't be a fucking sissy. Grab me and kiss me. So I did. And the scene played big, right? So that's the story. That's a fine story. People would go like this. I was thinking of you, and the guy goes, what's the story? And I go, you want to see? And I kissed a dude on stage, and the crowd went nuts. So what I like about you and the reason when I say I like it, it's not bullshit for me. I've given you a lot of thought. It was like, well, that's big energy. That's not a guard to me. That's a wide receiver. That's an athletic tight end. That's a defensive end.

Okay, maybe I'm a tight end because I don't mind going over the middle. Yes. And you don't go over the middle.

You don't mind extending myself. You don't mind scoring some touchdowns. You have a funny dance. You might do commentary on Sundays when you retire immediately.

I talked to an actor one time about kissing a very famous person, and he said, what you said. I think that's what you're supposed to say in the business, is, yeah, I'd be Rob Gronkowski. Thank you, guys. I'm definitely Rob Gronkowski.

I was going there, but I didn't want to say you would for sure be. Now then who's your Tom Brady?

It's Tommy. Tommy's been my Tom Brady the whole time I've fucking. And he's younger than me, but that's.

A beautiful thing, dude.

I'll take Tommy as my Tom Brady.

All day because you as a Rob Gronkowski, I'm like, you can block. You can make some big catches, man.

I do. I do make big catches. But ultimately, don't have me host New.

Year's Eve or have you host New Year's Eve.

As soon as you said that, I overshare, and they asked me what it was like. Kissing. Because I talked to actors about kissing.

Yeah.

And everyone gave me your answer, and I was like, that can't be real.

Because you're kissing the great actor David Walton, who was on new girl. I love the guy. He played a doctor somebody, but he's the best. He gave me a great quote, and he says before a scene starts, I'm sorry if I do and I'm sorry if I don't. Damon Wayne's Jr.

Damon Wayne's Jr. What's up, sir? It's Burt Kreischer, nigga.

I know.

Hey, man, I hate to. Are you by yourself or with your family?

I'm solo. What's up?

Okay, I'm sitting with your budy.

Oh, hi, Damon. Hi, Damon.

Hey. So first of all, I don't know if you remember me accosting you at Jack Jr's club when I told you fucking let's be cops is one of my favorite movies ever.

No, I don't remember.

It was before I was famous. Hey, man, we have a question. And I'm drunk.

Not we, you.

I have a question. So when british actors, black british actors come over and play black Americans and they do a black american accent, does it bother you a little bit?

Me, personally? No.

Okay. If they can pull it off. If they can pull it off, what about the ones that can't pull it off?

Like the ones that all sound like Denzel Washington?

Have you ever had a british actor come up to you and run his lines to you as a black guy to you?

No, I haven't.

Would you find it offensive if a black guy came up to you from Britney? He's like, it's such a pleasure working with you. So let me ask you a question. It's birthday and not birthday, correct.

It's Rock wilder, right?

I am such a fucking fan. I'm such a fan of yours. But I have to say, your whole fucking lineage, everyone is listening to your dad, honestly, is like, my. He's my fucking. Hey, real quick, and we can edit this out. What did you think about the Cal Williams interview?

Oh, shit. Let it rip, Damon. What do you think? His most recent special was hilarious.

Yeah, his last one. He shouldn't have talked about Jacksonville for 15 minutes and talked about Kevin Hart.

We lost him. There he is.

Hey, buddy. Please open invite. I'd love to have you on my podcast. Have you on two bears. You are fucking awesome. I'm a fan, man.

I'll do it with Jake. Great.

We'll have you and Jake anytime. We'll have you. Come on, burcast. We'll have a drinking podcast.

I love it. Oh, hell, yeah.

By the way, I love the interior of his car.

For sure.

He's cutting in and out.

Fancy.

Hey, let's see if we get him before he disconnects. Hey, thank you very much, man. That's beautiful.

I will say about Damon. So we did. Let's be cops together. So good.

Such a good premise for every. I have to say. Let me pitch it. Two dudes who are losers in life have to figure out a Halloween costume. And they're like. And I think you roll in and you go, let's be like, and you guys dress as cops, and then you find out how much fun it is to be dressed as cops.

Yes. And it happens. And we beat we. Such a fucking Damon as a dude, as fun to work with, as funny.

As blown away that he knows who, like, we understand his dad's like his dad's dad. When his dad talked about him and his family, that was like a way I saw life different. I was like, oh, you don't have to just talk about the edgy shit. You talk about your life.

I agree. A funny thing about him, though, is when my wife was pregnant, we were doing lesbian cops. And I said, he's like, you're so tight, you're nervous. And he had kids already. And he said, no matter what you do, your kids are going to hate you for something. And then he said, second, don't use your kids for material. And I said, why? And he goes, my dad told a story and he told this on our podcast because Damon's come on. And he said he told a story about how I used to pretend that I used to masturbate all the time, but pretend to be like, hey, I'm going to go eat some spaghetti, go in my room and masturbate. And he goes, and it was a good joke my dad made. And he goes, until I was at school and I was hitting on some girl and she goes, but are you the spaghetti guy? And I was like.

Wish we could put that toothpaste back in the tube.

Yeah.

I have done my whole life on my children. I just the other day realized, oh, I've shared everything in their life that they've ever thought, everything that was silly, but they've made me a lot of money. Hey, guys, great podcast.

You've made them a lot of.

I've made. Look, they can go to college and they're probably going to be fine, buddy. I fucking love you.

I feel the same way.

I fucking love you.

Yeah.

And I'm so glad to become friends with you. I will tell you, I'll give you insight to how tonight will work.

Please.

I'll probably be a little drunk and jealous that you're talking to other people, because that's how I work. Tommy knows that. Tommy knows that. Tommy knows me.

So you know what I'd like you to do?

What's that?

Because you said earlier, I'm not going to make the night about me. Right?

Yeah.

What I said earlier is I like to be a number two. So what I would love you to do is turn this into the bird show. I truly mean it.

Shirts coming off.

I would appreciate.

I'm going to shower.

I'm going to tell you how I do things as when it's mine and it's not fun, I'm a homebody. So I'll go, I'll say my husband. I'm going to do the press, I'm going to try to give and take photos. I got a bunch of different friends coming. We're going to do the thing.

Who's coming? Anyone famous?

Anna will be there. I think Samberg will be there. The movie people will be there.

By the way, we found this out. I'm actually a huge Andy Sandberg fan. Yeah, I just didn't watch Reno 911.

Yeah, was he in Reno 911 or 911?

Whatever.

Brooklyn 911. But what I would like you to do is turn it into the Birch show. And I mean that sincerely if you come in. So everybody I've told, I go, if you're going to smoke weed, smoke weed inside. So I had a big thing where Hulu came to me and said this. They said we would like to do a big premiere and then we'd like to do a party. So I've been in this game now for ten years. Those premieres are industry premieres. And you now know this because you've done it. It sucks. And the audience is the audience of business. Then the party is close to the theater, so it's the wrong venue. So where I said, I go, fuck the premiere. Send everybody a every, this is a Hulu movie. Everyone's watching at home. I go, you know where I want the party? The bar where the movie takes place. So you know where we go to? That's where we're. Shut the fuck up.

All I thought about watching the movie was, I want to go to that bar.

That's where you're going tonight. And I go, you know what? I want a mariachi band. So I go, all the money you would have spent, turn it into a fucking party. Have the press walking around. I go, small red carpet. But I go, if people are going to come out on whatever night tonight, it's a Tuesday. I go, allow them to fucking party. I go, don't put it in some bad place near a theater downtown.

Real quick. We're at, let's, let's so fucking excited for this. Let's put some frame of reference on how tonight's going to we. Andy Sandberg. I'm good with him. Kendrick with him?

Yeah.

Kendrick Lamar. No, Anna Kendrick. I'm going to need you to, before I meet her, just give her some groundwork just so that I don't freak her out.

She knows you.

I might freak her out. Who else?

Honestly, I don't know.

Okay, hold on, hold on. Old guy.

Chris Lloyd?

No. Chris Lloyd's going to be there.

I don't know.

I don't think he's going to be there.

But when you say old.

No, the old guy you hung out with in the movie.

Oh, Biff.

Yeah.

Oh, for sure. Biff's coming.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Eduardo Franco is going to be there.

Sisters.

Of course they're going to be there.

Ninja.

Eduardo Franco is going to be there. Ninja. Yeah. Eduardo is going to be.

Is that his name? Eduardo?

Eduardo Franco from Stranger Things. Mary Holland, Emily Hampshire. The cast is all going to be okay.

Good.

I'm not positive about Chris Lloyd, but then we're going to have some randoms. It'll be fun.

Okay, so here's some bad with names also.

Who cares?

But no, but if there's no one, I am too.

Burt and I get in bad moments, so I've forgotten cousin's name.

I might have to bring Victoria so she can point people out.

You know what I would really like.

You to do tonight, Bert Cottie would be fucking amazing.

Oh, my God.

My sister Kai. Can I get a plus and three plus two? Cottie would be fucking amazing. Cotton Cottie represents the movie.

Hold on. Damon wrote back. Running lines with a black british guy doing an american accent is funny as hell. I'm in a bad area, but definitely down to do a show whenever I'm.

The only one that dies on this hill. And I've died on this hill before. But as a dude, I just find it to be weird. Like when you hear british guys do white accents. Back to you. I go, it's kind of fucking rude. Like when they go, oh, I'd like a cheeseburger. And you're like, that's not how we'll.

Say about that guy. Daniel. So in terms of Daniel Kalua Daniel from get out.

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm dyslexic, so I don't confidently say last names.

How hard is it to be african and dyslexic?

I'm not african.

That's the hardest Christine's ever laughed.

I don't know, but I didn't work with him, so when we do spider verse, we're not together.

He was in get out.

Yes, but we just met at A-Q-A the other night.

Yeah.

So I reach out to him after the thing and talk about the screening. And to give that dude credit, we don't know each other. We met one night. We were in a one restaurant talking. Me, him, Jason Schwartzman, Chris Miller, Phil Lord.

We're all talking Jason Schwartzman. The dude from the thing.

Rushmore. Yeah, the best dude. You should have Schwartzman on Schwartzman. Oh, I love.

Do you like a fun dude? See those guys?

Really?

They get the Hollywood land.

Jason Schwartzman's a killer. So I got a quick story for you. So I get a call about doing a short film in Iceland about two astronauts, about, really, based off NASA, used to use Iceland to test the moon. So I go, it's some norwegian production company. There's no money, but it's four days in. And I'm like, huh? And they go, your co star is Jason Schwartzman. I've never met him.

I'm in.

Well, that's what I was nervous, and I was like, I hope he's fucking cool, because I'm in. Because I'm a fan. We get on the plane. I get on the airport. I get on the plane. I see him. We just wave casually, but not saying. I'm like, fuck. I was hoping we were going to drink and party. We didn't. I'm looking over at him. He's reading a lot. I'm like, shit, he reads. Yeah. We get off the plane, I'm like, fuck, I'm in Iceland by myself. We connect, and I go like, hey, man, I'm really excited to work with you. I'm a big fan. He's like, me too. I'm excited. And I go, I would like to partner up and just have a buddy thing. And he's like, 100% dude. Bert. We turned it into a honeymoon. We would make lists of what he wanted to. I'm like, I'm really into architecture. He's like, I got to say, you're not going to like it. I'm a little into shopping. And I was like, honey, whatever you want.

He's into shopping.

Yes. We filled our days. We would go to adventures, and I was like, when we left, I was like, I'm a little in love with Jason.

I love that you're putting a face on people I thought were just entering.

He's the sweetest. You would love Jason Schwartzman now.

I love shopping. You know who he'd love? Tom Segura.

He's a shopper. Shoppers are hilarious.

Secret time. Keep this in the podcast. Tom Segura goes to Aspen and doesn't ski.

He just shops.

He just shops.

What are you talking about? He just shops? I can't wrap my head around shopping.

Shops so much that he outgrows shopped clothes and has to give them away to his pores. He is a shopping. That's all he's addicted to shopping dude. He loves shopping. He buys you stuff he shopped for. He doesn't use. He is such a shopper. That is, like, gross. I'm not an architecture dude. I'm not a library guy.

So mine would be, we'd walk up and down the streets, we'd check stuff out, and then he would be like, now we're going to look at some knickknacks. I had a funny. I wonder if I'd want to shop.

For the things he wanted to shop for. I want to shop at sneaker and Rolexes.

No, fuck.

He likes, like, everything.

He just likes approaching stores and shopping buddy. I got to say, though, as lovely. And I use that term, and that's the right term, as lovely as the guys. It gets where I'm like, I left that, and I got home, and I said to my wife, she's like, how was it? The problem with the short for me was, I'm 510 and a half. They made an astronaut suit that was 510. So the problem was, it's a little small, so it's pushing fucking down, and it's hurting the shoulders. And you don't want to be that asshole who's like, I know you spent all the money on this, but it doesn't fit my body. So I'm trying to have a good attitude, but I'm like, you're tearing apart my shoulders.

That's why they lose me.

That's why they lose. What are you going to do? You're there, and the director tantrums the.

Entire time and talk to your producer. That's what I do. That's what they did when they put blood on me. I just had meltdowns to kale independently, and I was like, I have tactile issues. How are you going to put this on me before lunch? I can't eat lunch.

I'm an unfortunate. Whatever needs to happen happens. I can dissociate and go, it's not great. But the problem is my shoulder was fucked up. It sucked. And then I would start getting in a headspace that wasn't great. And I would look over at Jason, and he'd be like, and I'm like, you are the light of Iceland, and to this day. We saw each other the other night. I'm like, we did this thing. And every time I see him, I'm like, he's one of those guys, you know, when you go to those events, you each have your own car. He just jumps in my car where I'm like, thanks for jumping in, because, by the way, I love that guy because. Thanks. So, like, if you and I are doing a thing, we can say, hi. Let's just jump in the same car. I'd rather talk to you than be alone.

I'd rather sit in the car.

So he just comes in with me, and then he's like, we don't need the other one. And I'm like, thank you for being that guy. I wish I was cool enough to be that guy.

Hollywood. Represent that person that makes a fucking.

He's the best.

The guy that you fucking assume is this high bar celebrity that no one can tell. Just relatable.

The best.

I'm too relatable. Buddy, your movie is awesome.

Thanks, man.

I hope everyone watches it on Hulu. It is fucking awesome. I'm so excited for the party tonight. I really am. I really am. But more than that, I really value the connection we've. It means a lot to me, and it means a lot. And I can tell it because we were a big fan of the minx. Me and my wife watched the whole thing, and we reached out to you and the woman who played Jess Lowe. Jess low.

Yes. Who?

I love Jess Lowe. On the podcast.

Oh, you did?

Leanne did. Leanne had Jess Lowe.

Jess is a killer.

And they said we might be able to get Jake, and I said I might geek out in front of him because I love that show.

Thanks. I loved it.

And the fact. And then this is. I don't know if you'll still relate to this, but the fact that you came into this house tonight and that I saw you as a person, I know that sounds crazy. It means a lot. Is that because I am impressed by shit? See, I don't know if I'll ever see TC and not see him as a fucking TC.

Totally. Right?

But it means a lot to me. And thank you for inviting us tonight to your.

Thanks for your workout. Let's get a workout.

Do another workout.

I'm into it.

Let's do it. And everyone needs to check out your podcast with Gareth Reynolds, who I will say, I have to say this. Gareth Reynolds is hands down. Everyone on my tour bus knows this. The funniest human in the world.

He's as fast as it gets.

And your podcast, we're here to help is we're here to help. They take in calls. I've been on it. You've got Damon Wayne's Jr. On it?

Yeah. Anybody who we know comes on and.

I say, we do a birdcast with Damon Wayne's Jr. And get fucking.

By the way, I'm in by the he. I love him. He's really hard to get, to socialize. I would love to drink with Damon, but if we do it, I need you to pressure him to drink, because what he'll do is he'll be cool and he'll be. No, no. Because he's always like, six pack.

If you bully him, first thing we'll do is we'll get a car service to take him here.

Yes. Agree.

That's how it works.

I would love to do a podcast with you, me and Damon. He and I text every day, my kids and his kids. So he and I have a thing where our stupid bit is, we're in love with each other. So anything that happens, we're going to leave our wives for one another. And then now that we have a bunch of kids, we've changed it. So now my kids will write to him. They'll do videos where they'll be like, leave my daddy alone. Then his kids will be like, Jake, my daddy doesn't love you. He loves my wife. And then we refer to our wives as the tunas. And so now the wives get involved and be like, stop texting my husband. So we have this big thing. We don't sit and have drinks together. The idea of doing it with you and Damon would be a perfect night.

Christine, will you make that happen? Hey, congratulations.

Thanks, buddy. Appreciate you.

Tonight. Bert, Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes out the swab, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.