The world is in peril. It's chaos everywhere. We're not covering any of it because we're too stupid. You're black, right?

Right.

Allegedly. Robert Paul champagne. All it.

Takes for.

Raps to join Pickleball is for Michael Jordan to make some Jordan for Pickleball.

New Christmas.

You guys. You sound like every.

Gay in Manhattan.

I feel gay. Try it out. Are washcloths for the pores?

How much is it going to hurt again? No! What is going on?

Ever heard of the Pulitzer Prize? We sure have been. Go to yemagestudios. Com to get your tickets right now. Guys, it is on. We have added a show at the MGM Grand Garden Arena on Friday, February ninth at 9:00 PM. Bert Krayscher and I were tearing it up. We have a show Saturday. That show is rolling, so we added a Friday show. We got so many texts from athletes.

And MMA fighters saying they.

Couldn't make Saturday. We're like.

You know what?

Let's do another night. Presale tickets are.

Live today, 7:00 AM Pacific Coast time.

Use the code bears. The on sale will begin December 15th at 10:00 a. M. Get your tickets right now. You are not going to miss this.

I don't want to miss this. Tom and I never get to.

Go out and perform together. We are both going to be going up, banging it out, and it's going to be a party. Burnturtburnet. Com, tomcigur. Com, get your tickets.

Right now. Get the Bear Cave a little fatter again. You've even abandoned us. You're a day walker right now. You're Blade.

Hundred %.

Cheers.

We're back and great news, Bert is getting a transplant and a transfusion. -both. -really? Yeah, blood and bone marrow. As I said, it helps with... He's got diabetes, he had renal failure, he's got some fluid in the brain, but all that stuff is going to be taken care of, hopefully. Shout out to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. They threw him out there. Yeah, so they have the best. He's like, I want the best. I tour on a high level. I want the best.

I love that.

Sitting in for him across the great Stobros, everybody. Sexy Stobros is here.

Hello, how are we doing?

Thank you, bro. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. Just in case anybody doesn't know, your new special, Fat Rascal, is out right now. Right now.

On Netflix. On the big N. The big N-word. On the N-bomb.

I've never heard anybody call.

Netflix that. I have to give credit to Mark Normand. He said it on my pod, and I loved it so much. That's funny, man. I've been running with it.

We just saw a clip of a guy, a weatherman, who's like, He's local news. And he's like, It's cold and it's starting to feel like later in October, or dare I say, the N-word. And they're like, Oh, November? Nobody calls November the N-word. On morning news is awesome.

And the.

Anger was black. The guy was like, What?

That's so sick. To hint at that, it's one... Look, here, this is barely anything, right? We're filling time while people are picking up their kids while they're they're.

Breaking leaves. People are driving to work, yeah.

But to be on local news where it's like, wholesomeom and old people watching and to hint at a slur, that's awesome. It's pretty awesome.

Respect to that guy. Respect. And also to try to assign that to the month of November is insane.

And the thing is, if you do that, you got to be positive about it. You can't be like, I fucking hate November. Dare I say.

The greatest month of all, the N-word.

Yeah, you can't make it seem like the N-words.

Getting cold like the N-word.

It's the N-word of months. You got to say that with an upbeat tone.

There had to have been. Like nothing would have been better than that commercial break where the producer is like, Are you out of your fucking mind?

What are you doing, buddy? What are you doing, bro? We're live.

When did you think this was a good idea?

Do you think they have local news managers? They're like, buddy, you got... We need a viral clip. You need to hint.

At it. Can you do something? I don't know, something racial.

Maybe slowly start doing more self taner until it starts being on the edge of Blackface. You know what I mean? Because there's a way that you can walk it up so slow.

That no one.

Knows you're doing it.

You can't do it out of the gate. You can't do.

It out of the gate. You got to start half shade up. -yeah. -each like every.

Three days bump it up. I haven't done it yet. Bert's been doing it a lot. He did that where he started subtle and then he showed up once and I was like, What's going on? He's like, Yeah, it went darker. I was like, Yeah, I can see that. Then Christina tried it and it was also very, very subtle. I think you really got to dip your toe. You can't.

Just- Can't can and ball into that. Do you spray tan? No, brother. This is all Mediterranean skin right here.

That's what I'm trying to get at, dude. Do you get nice and dark, though?

Dude, I get awesome. When I hit the first three days in Greece, it's like I'm a new man. Literally, my brother, when we used to come home from... Because we would spend six weeks in Greece, the old immigrant, not a great vacation, I'm just living with my family. They're in Athens. I was in Baltimore. Essentially the same life. We're playing FIFA. We're playing pickup hoops. We go to the beach maybe three more times while we're in Greece and we're eating my grandmother's shitty macaroni. It's not even like whatever. But my brother would come home and people would start talking to him in Southeast Baltimore. In the middle school he went to was mostly Hispanic people. Start talking to him in Spanish because he's long hair. He would get dark as shit. My brother's got a little more Turkish blood in him, we think.

That's what.

That's like. That's the thing I noticed with, I guess I had less exposure as a kid to Greek people in high numbers.

We got a little, there's like, everyone keeps telling me to go to Tarpon Springs or something. There's a bunch there. There's a bunch there, but Florida is not.

A-but when I hear a Greek national speak English, my ear, a lot of times I just hear Latin root. So I'll be like, Oh, they speak Spanish.

Yeah, we have a little. When I tried to pick up Spanish, I quit it very easily. Really? I got it, but I didn't pick it up. But the pronunciation was not hard. Not hard, right. So you can like... So is.

Your Greek.

Pretty good? Yeah, I'm affluent in Greek.

Oh, that's rad, dude. So that was at.

Home all the time. At home. My dad was one of those immigrants that talks about how much he hated America. That's cool. One of those guys that's pissed off. He's like, I can't believe I'm fucking here. Hated it. He claims my mom trapped him. Do you know what I mean?

Your mom's American?

No, she's Greek, too. She's Greek, too. Her family moved here in the '70s, and then my mom moved back to Greece because she was like, America's bullshit. I want to go back to Greece. It's tough to go to Baltimore. You know what I mean? You'd be like, I can't wait to... You're in Greece in the '70s, and you're like, Wow, Hollywood, New York City. And then you're like, Baltimore. Fresh off white flight. Fresh off the city. Industry is abandoning it. It's starting to turn to shit. We're on the upswing now. Baltimore is going up, but... And so she moved back. Then they came to America and was like, Let's go visit my family for a year, see what's happening. And then they just stayed.

They just stayed.

I went to preschool with an accent. Oh, a Greek accent. I was like, Hello, I am Stavros. I'm like, E-B-C-D, literally. Half the kids in my class were like that because when I was growing up it was like 60 % Greek people in my neighborhood.

Oh, really? So you guys lived in a Greek neighborhood?

When my parents moved, I think that's why they stayed, because this is the '80s when they moved back. Dude, there was like Greek speaking theater, like local theater. They would put on productions and enough people would come to see them and pay for tickets that that was a sustainable cultural event in the neighborhood. It was crazy. It was really interesting. It's unfortunately diffuse now, but it was cool.

I always feel like it's weird when somebody, not that you do this, but some people have their identity as their ethnicity. Sure. And then you're like, Oh, no. They're like, You're all about being Italian. How is your Italian? I don't speak Italian. What the fuck, man?

That's brutal. That's step one. Yeah, and those are the worst ones. Oh, my fucking God. You don't even know what it's like to be Italian. And it's like, Come on, man. You've watched the same movies I watched. Yeah, and they're good movies. They're good movies, but don't speak the language. And my favorite episode of Sopranos is when they go over there and Pauley is just so disrespected by all the actual Italians where they're just like, these boring Americans. They're like, This fucking guy wants tomato sauce. You know what I'm saying? He asked for gravy and they're all snickering at him and he doesn't know how to take it.

Yeah, you asked for parmisan on your seafood and they're like, It's a fucking animal. Get the fuck out here. Get out of here, dude. Yeah, I think it's really because if you're American and you just watch those movies, your idea of what Italian is is not what Italian is. That's a movie. That personality, it's an American Italian.

Well, and especially the godfather, apparently complete bullshit. Just not how the mafia worked at all. That's not what those people are like at all. But the later, Scorsese was real. I mean, he grew up there. He was really about reality, Verus Militude and all that shit, which is cool. And the same thing with the Sopranos, they were really... But yeah, those people are fucking trash. They're scumbags, dude. They're murdering. And look, Goodfellow is probably my favorite movie. I'm the male version of a basic bitch. That's male, pumpkin spice is Goodfellows. It's the greatest. I don't give a fuck in fucking rules. But those people are dog shit. You should never... And it's so funny to think about the guys who look up to them but are also cowards. It's like aspiring murderous and rape. Like the guy who would if he had the courage. That's what happens in the fucking at the beach. I'm sorry to call you robbers, but there would be criminals, but they're just cowards.

I wish I could be a piece of shit like this guy.

One day I wish I could give my 19-year-old mistress brain damage when she disrespects my mother's linguini. Unfortunately, I just don't have the heart and I let her get away with it.

I saw a thing with some mob guy interview, an older guy who was like, Yeah, when The Godfather came out, we were like, Oh, this is what we should dress like. Right.

They.

Changed it. From that. Then the best are like, Now there's so many docs.

The podcasts are crazy. By the way, mafia guys are now just podcasters. All of them. It's crazy.

Because they're all ratted, by the way. You know they're like, There's nothing worse than a rat. They're all rats.

You fucking rat.

They all.

Fucking snitch.

Everyone snitch. That's why they're doing podcasts. The only one who didn't is Goddy. He died in prison. The rest of them just all were like, I don't want to go to prison. Yeah, I understand.

I get it. I'd rat in a heartbeat.

But the best are like, there's the FBI guys that were working these cases. They do all these bio docs about it. Yeah, no, I.

Love all of them. I've watched most of them.

They're great. And there's one dude In't know. God, I wish I knew this guy's name. But he's in a bunch of them. He's like, You don't understand how fucking stupid these guys are. He's like, These guys. You can see them glorified and movies and all this shit. He goes, Listen to the tapes. They have the vocabulary of a fucking third grader.

They don't know shit. They're dumb. They're just dumb.

Fucking dogs. Imagine being so stupid that a cop feels intellectually superior to you. Yeah. A B cop is like fucking dumb. Read a fucking book every once in a while. I'm sorry. Read the funny pages every once in a while.

But he's right. When you listen to the tapes, the tapes of these guys talking their business, it is- Totally.

-it's like.

Fucking.

Middle schoolers. No, I mean, at the heart of it was just pure violence. That's all there is to it. It's like, yes, obviously some of them were like, Smart. Because the thing is, it's not like you talk about organized crime, but the organized crime, it's really just like a multilevel marketing thing. It's like a pyramid that goes... That's the organization. And yes, in theory, you're protected if you're a maid guy. But there wasn't like, Okay, guys, welcome to being in the mob 102. Today we learned shaking people down. It was like, Hey, you have to go make me $1,000, or I'll beat the fuck out of you. And there was like every guy just came up with their own crime. And so some of them were like, I mean, the classics are book making and beating the fuck out of people. Prostitution, drugs. That's the other thing. Later on, some of them got into that. I love the idea that there was honor. Some of them wouldn't do prostitution. Get that shit out of this house.

Shake people down. That's a.

Good one. Yeah, shake people down is a classic. I forget the guy's name. Is it Francis? Mike Francis, who he came up with a gas scam?

Yes, that's right. He does a bunch of podcasts.

He's a huge podcaster. He claims he only read it. Yeah, Francis. He claims he only read it because his dad okay, laid a hit on him, which if you're going to give anybody the okay to snitch, it's your own father's like... Your father not being like, Come on, guys, can we not kill? Can we just fucking-He's a dog. Can we rip his tongue out maybe? We can make him so he can't rat? But yeah, so some of them would do smart scams, but most of them would just threaten people's lives, and if it got down to it, kill you. Totally. And that's it. Which is like, it's like not that simple. It's just like you have to be so morally bankrupt that taking somebody's life doesn't matter to you at all.

It's really crazy how comfortable they got with murder and how they always saw it as like, Yeah, but he's another mob guy. So it's not really like I don't feel bad. He was a bad guy. I got rid of a bad guy for a moment. Yeah, okay.

Cool, man. There's honor in this. Yeah, that's why I do think The Sopranos is the best representation. I mean, also that's what I really loved about the last Scorsese, when they're all fucking old Irishmen, where it just shows you where this ends up. Even if you get out of this alive and you get out of jail and you end up free, it's like the Niro's character is in a fucking... He's in a fucking retirement home or a loan. His family doesn't talk to him. He killed his own best friend. And it's like the last shot of the movie is him asking the lady to crack the door open just a little bit the way Haifa did when they shared sweets. And it's like his only solace is remembering the times he had with the guy he killed in cold blood. Brutal stuff. That's brutal. Brutal stuff. And that movie is interesting too. It's like maybe it's a metaphor for just mob movies. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's over. We've done it all. We've said it all. We're all old. The genre is done. It's almost like Scorsese putting a little.

Period on it. I mean, it's like what else are you going to make? Totally. I mean, here's the other thing is that watching these things now, like Netflix came out with that Goddy thing a while ago, highlighting his run.

Yeah.

And then how that led to the eradication of the mob in New York. And then you party, you want to go, Man, it'd be cool if they came back. When are we going to get the mob back?

I will say there is something to... Everything I just said about these guys are pieces of shit, and I don't want them back. Now it's like, Well, now who runs gambling? Fucking, I don't know, I mean, a company I advertise for. You know what I mean? But it's like there is something. You don't even feel it anymore. These people just ruin you. It's just like right to your bank account. And it's just like there used to be some mob guys had to at least keep some records.

Can somebody show up with a.

Fucking crowbar or something? Yeah, let's earn the money. Let's earn this guy ruining his family. Let me.

Really feel fear at these risks, I'm thinking.

You got to think when a parlay hit, when a guy killing you was on the fucking table, nothing feels as good as that. Yes, we've made it safer. But the guy who wins and saves his life temporarilyearly. Oh, my God. That weekend where he goes home and is able to put food on the table and not die, that must.

Have felt. There's no rush like that.

No rush.

Like that.

That's why you go back, dude. Yeah, these giant companies have robbed us of that. It is funny because the more cashless society gets and the more everything is automatic, the less margins... It's like where the mafia existed, but also where fun existed. You know what I mean? Because it was a little lawless. It was a little whatever. And it was like those are the corners where it's like, Yeah, you go do a little crime. You know what I mean? We all did a little petty crime, a little petty whatever. And it's just like now everything is like direct deposit. There's no place for scams, but there's no place for hiding $500 from your wife. So you and the boys can do a little Yak. You know what I mean? Like old times. It's like everything... Here I am romanticizing the very thing I said was dog shit. But this isn't that much better. It's just our overlords now are like huge tech.

Banks, these.

Kinds of huge corporations that are much easier. One thing I will say not to get tinfoil hat with it, it's much easier for somebody to control everything now, whereas back then, try getting a bunch of Italians to do your bidding. Impossible. You know what I mean?

I think that, though, how there's still neighborhoods and areas that are falling apart. And it makes you think, is that what will spawn something like a mob again? Because typically neighborhoods that are distressed and feel fear of like, then these guys come up and they go, Nothing's going to happen to you. But then there's just an exchange.

It'll.

Cost you. Yeah. And then that neighborhood actually becomes safe. They're like, Oh, great, there's no break-ins anymore or nothing. Only thing is I just got to break my back for this guy.

Only thing is there is no upward mobility for me. And some fat dickhead in a tracksuit gets to buy diamonds for his wife because I'm working overtime at the grocery store.

Just to pay this asshole.

Yeah. By the way, no disrespect to fat dickheads. I'm one of those. Or tracksuits. Or tracksuits. That's me. I will say I love the style of the mafia. I have really incorporated a lot of that in my personal. That's my personal style.

I have a soldier and a fucking tractor?

Come on, dude. Absolutely. I do dress like a guy about to die. It has no idea. You know what I mean? Like a guy who's like, Hey, boy. Oh, yeah, boss. But me by myself. You want me to meet you there at midnight? I'll be there. That is my fucking look.

We had to get rid of Stubby.

I had a big mouth. What can I say? He was slipping, talking a lot. I would be bragging about being in the mob to get pussy for sure. I would be just my hand on that high, beehive hairdo. You know what I mean? In Jersey in the 60s, I'd be that.

You're with a real.

Soldier right now. Yeah.

Fuck.

Shout out to the fat. I'm happy to be here, by the way, to get the Bear cave a little fatter again. That's one thing I had. Look, as a fan of the show, I've seen Stamos was on it, Matt Rife. Let's get a fat back in here. No disrespect to those guys, but you've even dand and dust. I'm trying. You're trying. In the light. You know how people try and look at people hot? When you look at the mirror in yourself, you try and make out the eyes.

A thousand, you try.

To do... I'm the opposite with you where I'm like, I'm trying to make out a little titty. You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to look at your least flattering angle to be like, No, he's still fast. He's still us. You still got him.

It's still us. He's still in there. I'm still on your team, dude.

It's getting dangerous, though. You're getting close. You're a day walker right now. You're Blade. Yeah.

Well, don't forget, you still got Bert.

He's definitely in the squad. But he's doing a bizarre... You know what? He's actually the day walker. Yeah. Because he fluctuates so hysterically, wildly where it's like he's here or he's with us. And then you see fucking pictures of him and I'm like, What is this fucking guy doing?

He just did 83 days without booze.

Insane. 83. And he said he ate pretty clean. Yeah, he looked.

Good.

In the pictures. So 83 days is what? It's almost three months. I think he dropped close to 40 pounds.

That's insane, dude.

But that just tells you what the booze for him normally is. When I was at my fattest people would be like, Man, just stop drinking. I'm like, I don't drink really.

Dude, I hate that. They're like, Oh. You know how many tips I get where it's like, No soda. Don't drink soda. Go for a walk. I walk every day. I go for a walk. Everything people tell me, and they're like, You got me. I don't know what the fuck it is. I mean, look, I think it's mostly midnight desserts for me. Late nights the worst. I'm a little late night slut. And then anything bad happens, I got to eat anything good happens. I got to have a little ice cream.

No, same, dude. You can have great morning lunch, and all of a sudden it's past seven and you should be like, I'm just done eating for the day. And that's when you can add.

Thousands of calories. Dude, last night I'm in my hotel room alone and I had a pretty good day. And in my head, Last night I didn't go crazy. I didn't have a big meal at the end. And then I woke up and I was like, Oh, I ate an entire box of hotel room cookies. I ate two protein bars. That's my favorite fat guy move. These are the protein bars that are like candy bars now. I'm like, Fuck. It didn't work out that day, by the way. I didn't just lift a single thing, but I'm like, I need my fucking protein. I need my protein. I need my smores-flavoured protein bar. I know.

They're candy. They're candy bars. I know. Peanut butter, dark chocolate.

But just because I didn't have fries, I was like, It's a victory for me. I had a very fat moment where I was in the airport. I flew here from... I was in Philly. First of all, just what I ordered is a fat guy move where it's like, I'm in Philly, right next to my... I was set up for failure. Across from my gate is a cheesestake place operating at 9:00 AM. 9:00 AM? 9:00 AM, the cheesestakes are fucking rolling. I'm like, Wow, I'm in Philadelphia. Yeah, what am I going to do? Not eat this? I'm sure they have a breakfast option. Literally tell the lady to crack an egg onto my cheesestake so that that's breakfast now. There you go. That's the ultimate fat guy like the fat guy in the mouth is like, Well, I would have gotten a bacon, egg, and cheese. You could argue that this steak meat is healthier than bacon.

Sure, and it's high.

Protein, too. And it's high protein. I have to go do 12 body weight squats later, so I need a lot of protein. And then I get my thing, and of course, I tear off a little bit of bread from each side because now I'm like, Come on, that's low carb now.

I'm shedding the fucking- I'm.

Shedding the thing. And then there was a woman eating across from me, hot girl by herself, full cheese steak, fries. Clearly, she's not going to eat everything. She's just like a hot woman who's like... I've done all the math, right? Yeah. She's in Philly. She feels like she has to have a cheesestake. But she's eating one-eighth of the whole thing, and I can tell she's winding down. In my head, I'm like, Ask her for a fry. Like a stranger. I'm like, Go up there, ask her for a couple of fries. What's the fucking big deal? I'm like, Yeah, you want... I didn't order them. I'm just doing this. As I'm finishing my steak, the voice in my head is like, Ask her for a fry. It's like in a horror movie when the child is revealed to be Satan slowly and the closer you get to the cross the more he's like, Mommy, it's me. What are you talking about? He's like, It's me, Mommy. Put the girls away. That's the voice of my head being like, Ask the fucking woman for a fry. You're almost on the fucking sandwich. Get a fucking fry. I'm like, I just have to eat it fast so that I don't accost this...

Could you imagine, think about this woman, a fat guy who's been staring at her probably this whole time. She doesn't know. Doesn't know me. I'm staring at you in a completely non-sexual way. I'm just so focused. You know what I mean? She thinks I'm trying to think about kidnapping her probably. Imagine if I fuck and little does she know I'm just fat as shit. Imagine I walk up to her and I'm like, Hello. Hello, Miss. Hope you're having a good breakfast. I noticed you had a lot of fries, leftover. You think maybe I could get four or five? Just to have two nice bites with the rest of my cheesestake?

I'm Tom Seguira. I'm Christina P.

I'm Rob Eiler. I'm Jamie.

Lynn Seguler. I'm Dr. Drew. I'm Lauren Compton. I'm not in the show.

For real?

69 minutes. If you give us an hour, you'll miss nine minutes of our program.

That's insane. I know.

You might even... It is insane, and it totally.

Speaks to-And I want it if... If there was no social mores, I would have done it 100 %. My heart.

Wanted it. Or just like, Hey, I'll throw that out. She's like, What? Just leave it when you're done. Just leave it.

Yeah. Okay. I put on a polo like I work at the airport. I'm just like, Ma'am, now there's bus boys at the terminal, fucking whatever. Yeah, dude, just a man. And if she had walked up to me and been like, Would you like some of my fries? It would have been the happiest moment of my fucking life. But of course, who the fuck would do that?

And so you had to let those fries go.

I had to let them go. But just the fact that it was that intense in my head, I was like-I.

Totally understand it. I'm in trouble. I've done all the fat guy math moves. Yes. And then the best one for me was like, it could be a 45.

Minute workout where you.

Just got a good sweat in. And I would be like, I am good for 8,000 calories today. I just.

Killed.

It. I know. And anything that came in my direction after that, I was like, Yeah, I busted my ass.

Fucking.

Deserve it. Just fucking crazy amount. Desserts. And I was like, Yeah. And then I would think about, this is how crazy, I would think about elite athletes that I've just seen in some promo or something eating. I'm like, Yeah, he does it too. I'm just.

Like him. Yeah, Michael Phelp. Yeah, I pull up Michael Phelp's diet from when he won the most gold medals of any human being on earth. And I'm like, I should eat-He was eating.

10,000 calories a day. Look at this guy.

Why can't I-I should aim for that.

Yeah, we're doing the same thing. I mean, it's pretty close. Dude, I was on the.

Elliptical forever. I was on the elliptical.

That's the same as swimming.

15 miles. I got on a row machine after an elderly woman and bumped it up five pounds and did less reps than her. I just did this.

You did pizza. Here's the thing. The thing that for me, at least in my system, if I meet in Pretty Clean, when I throw a disruption in that, like yesterday, I was here, I was about to leave, and they had ordered a bunch of pizzas, and I was like, I'll have a slice.

One.

Slice of pizza. Just the fat content of a greasy pizza, which is delicious, completely fucking wrecked me for eight hours. For eight hours, I was like, No.

Dude, I know.

It destroyed me just because I have gotten it. I used to be, I'll eat this all the time, and yeah, I'll just live with.

Diarrhea constantly. Believe me, I'm sluggish.

I'm planning-Fuck me up, man. Yeah. It fucked.

Me up. I know. I know exactly how that goes because... It's like your system switches over to like a car that has the ability to go from gas to diesel. You know what I mean? It's like when you put the... The first switching over to either side, those first three days are brutal. Oh, a brutal, yeah. The first day when I eat a salad and my body's like, What the fuck is this? What are you doing? And my stomach hurts. I literally ate broccoli yesterday. Before I come here, I had broccoli. Just had it. It was a dish. I had a steak. You know what I mean? It wasn't... And it was just broccoli. I basically made like... This is another fat guy, hilarious move where I'm like, I wanted Chinese food, where I'm like, I'm going to make my own beef and broccoli, right? Because it's probably marginally healthier than the fucking thing, whatever.

Sure, then the one you pick up, yeah.

I just have broccoli, dude, and my stomach is killing me from.

The broccoli. Dude, Christina used to tell, she goes, You're the only person I know who salad gives them a diarrhea. She goes, Salad makes you sick? And I'm like, Yeah. And then she goes, Do you realize that everything does? She's like, If you eat too much sugar, you go, Oh, that's too much sugar. I have to shit. ' She goes, If you have too much fat, you have to shit. And then she goes, Now if you have too many greens, you have to shit. And I'm like, Look, man, I have a sensitive system. I don't know what to tell you. I don't.

Know what to tell you. I have gotten to the point where once I take a bite and I finish the last bite, I have to shit within seven seconds. -of anything? -and there.

Is no way-Or of a.

Specific food. -it just happens half the time. That is still in my throat and I have to shit. It's like, I don't know. And sometimes I see the food I ate and I'm like, How are we just shooting this thing through? What's going on? Am I not getting any fucking nutrients here? Is my body trying to survive? We're like, We can't absorb this shit. Let's just get it out.

Let's.

Get it out, dude. Let's see the brioche bun. I'm just.

Floating there. That's the craziest part, is that the thing that disrupts me the least digestively are breads and starchy things, which everyone's like, avoid that. That's the thing that feelsfeels nice. Yeah, it just doesn't upset you at all. Comforting. Yeah. Literally, the stomach goes, Oh, yeah, a pound of bread. Fine. Nice chunk of bread.

Yeah, that's all good. Yeah, a little rice. Nothing wrong with that.

Just the special, which is out, Fat Rascal.

Yes, Fat Rascal.

Where did.

You shoot it? I shot it here, actually. I shot it in Austin. Oh, that's right. I remember- Remember, I was here, actually. I think I did YMH right before or right after I.

Shot it. Did you tape a bunch? I forget, I mean-.

I taped four.

Shows at the Paramount. Yeah, you taped four at the Paramount. You said it went... I remember.

Seeing you like it. I was so happy with it.

Austin comes out for stand-up.

They love it. It was great, man. It really was. And the Paramount is such a sick spot where it feels classic and old school, but everyone's right on top of you. It was a bit of a gamble because I just hadn't played it before. But timing-wise, it made sense. And there was four shows, which at the time I was worried to sell it out four times. Everything came together. Looks awesome. Shout out to Ben O'Brien. My director, Ben Rox, did such an awesome job.

I'm somebody who whenever they are like, All right, here's a line cut. I'm like, Okay, I'll take a look at it. And then I just don't look. And then they're like, Hey, but you look. Then I get that they're like, Hey, we're going to have to move your air date if you don't look. And I'm like, All right.

Do you-Dude, the edit, it's horrible. Because in my head I was like, Well, I shot the special. It's now done. You guys do it. I have been working on it the whole time since where it's like I got my editor. And then even the sound, shit you don't think about where it's like, the way a special sounds can be really strange and it can really take you out of it if the laughter feels fake. Oh, the sound mixes. Yeah. We worked on that forever.

Every special that I've ever put out, I get people that go, Why did you put a laugh track in this. Dude. And I'm always like, Bro, there's 3,000 people at the show. And they're like, No, there's a laugh track. I'm like, No, no, no. There's mics in the room and there's thousands of people there. That's the.

Sound you're hearing. I know. I didn't want it to sound like... Because there's little shit you can do. And whatever. I learned for next time too about ways I want to do it and all that stuff.

You're always like building on it. Did you have a clearly best show that you're like, Oh, this is the one to mostly use?

I think so, yeah. We mostly used, I think, it was the first show on Friday, I think.

The first of all?

No, the third show. It was the third show. Third show? Okay, interesting. We did two shows. Yeah, third show. There were great moments, and I really liked doing four because it takes all the pressure off of you.

It takes all.

The pressure off. And it makes it feel real. At least at the time, that's how I was performing where it's like, you go to a city, you do four fucking shows, you get into your rhythm. I think for specials, it's different because now I've been doing a little bit of theater, one show in each city thing, which is cool and it's a different experience, but nothing beats the just showing up, working it out. Each crowd is different. It's a little smaller, so you really get to connect with people. Yeah, I loved it. It was really great. That's awesome. I'm pumped for it and I just wanted to do one thing, do a mainstream thing because it's like, the internet is shut out to the internet. I owe my whole life to people finding podcasts, clips, everything from the internet. But I want just some random motherfuckers to shoot. You know what I mean? That's the best part of it. Some moms to see.

My shit. Who is this guy?

Yeah. Who's this fat rascal? Exactly. A fat rasc, come on.

It's a great name. Thanks, dude. How did you name it?

Did it just occur? I wanted it to be Fat Little Slut. But Netflix was like, That is not going to work. They were just like, We cannot do that. And also, imagine, check out my special. Just google Fat Little Slut. It was like instantly, it would just be Girls getting railed, chubby girls getting railed. So I wanted something that was.

Just-it's just somebody.

Abusing a girl. You're a fat slut. Right. It would be like subdom. It wouldn't even be like just a bubbly, cute, little.

Fat girl. I tried to name mine the N-word, but they insisted on Sledghammer. I was like, Okay, whatever.

The.

Big N. The big N is here. Also, you blessed us in our Internet with your appearing in 69 Minutes, our special. Yes, I can't wait. That comes out December 15th. That was super fun. Thank you for doing that. Of course, man. So funny. I've been telling people we put this thing together. This was like this ambitious, just fun thing that everybody has been busting their ass on. But to have it be what we wanted it to be, people like you had to get involved. We have you, Bryan Simpson appears, and then Mateo Laines in it.

Oh, Mateo is.

My guy.

Yeah, I mean, it's- Mateo, my old school, we've talked about my old school, nudes partner.

Yeah, that's right. He mentioned that.

We're bringing it back too. We've been in talks. You've been in talks? Yeah. To put our bear dicks in the same room. That's awesome. Yeah, I know. I can't wait. It was super fun. I don't want to give.

Anything away. Yeah, I know. For those that want to check it out, go to ymhstudios. Com. It airs on the 15th. A lot of people worked hard on that. I was going to say for Greek stuff, Yonas, too, right? Yeah.

It's one of the biggest sins that we haven't had him. I just recorded a bunch of my shit in batches, and it's never worked out. But I got to get... He's first on the list of getting Yonas. He's so funny. So funny. So funny. And it's interesting, too, because he's a different Greek guy where it's like, My family just came in the '80s, right? My dad barely speaks English. He's been here 40 years. Still? Yeah, he speaks. He can get it by, but it's clearly not his first language at all. Yeah, heavy accent. -heavy accent. Now, if you're talking about cabinets, he's got it down. You know what I mean? He's a master woodworker. But feelings, you know what I mean? -yeah, right. -familial issues, although I don't want to show my dad too much. We're working it out over here. But my mom's, I mean, she's more assimilated, but she's definitely first-generation. She was born there. And Iannis, I assumed because he is so plugged into Greek shit and he does get the culture so much that he was the same way. Everyone I had ever met was first-generation because that was my whole...

Everyone I grew up with, their parents were all born in Greece. But his family goes back pretty far to New York. I think at least one or two generations where I think he had grandparents that.

Were-but his dad is from Greece, right?

I.

Think so. Yeah, he was from Greece.

His dad was, okay. Because I met his cousin. His cousin was fresh off the boat one time and I was like, No, this is a fucking Greek guy. This fucking guy rules.

It's so fun having foreign family. It's awesome. And when they come here and you're like, Yeah, don't worry. You stand out. It starts with attire. You're like, What the fuck is this, bro? For me, growing up, because we used to always do... I would go for my summer because in my family, they're in the southern hemisphere, right? They're in Peru. They'd come up for their summer, so we're in school. I would always be like, Bro, you can't wear jeans that.

Tight, right? We can see your unclipped hog.

They're like, What? And we go, Bro, no. And their whole thing was like, because this is the 90s, they're like so baggy. I'm like, Yeah, this is normal.

You look.

Like you want people to kick your ass for this era and we're 15, forget it. You can't do it. You can't.

Do it. No. I remember we had family that came over from Greece. Actually, he was a Greek guy who grew up with my dad. He moved to Austria. So he's double European, right? And him and his son, and we went to Delaware just on the beach. These guys have speedos that are so tight. Everyone. And it was like a gay area, I guess. So everyone thought, and he has like a son that looks identical to them. And it's like, Is this a gay father and son? And is this child also gay? And everyone was just like, we got so many people were staring at us. I was even like, What the fuck is going on out here? They got the hogs out. But how often... They would come up. What was like when you were down there?

First of all, fair skin, blue eyes. The whole family? Well, no, I'm saying when I would go.

Because your mom, look, she could be whatever.

She looks Latin.

You could convince me of a lot of things.

Yeah, my cousins, it's funny, too, because they're also fair skin. But you just look at them and you'd be like, Oh, they're not American. Even facial features and stuff. But yeah, so right away that people would always do a double take and be like, You're definitely not from here. Of course. Sometimes you could speak Spanish for a while, and if you're speaking really well, they would just be like, Oh, what country are you from? Because they would assume that I was Latin from another country. Then I'd tell them half and they were like, What? But you're gear too. They also would be like, some wild clothes you got on. Because what we wear just really makes... Totally. It's like an announcement. I also remember when I studied abroad when I was in Spain, I had a house by this older lady. She was in her 70s and she had a couple of us American.

Boys there. That was her little side business was.

Like-yeah, exactly. It was her hustle. Her son, so I was 20, her son was 40, and he would come over on weekends with his son, and we would have lunch together. I remember one time he was like, Do you know how I can tell when there are someone is American? And I'm like, How? He's like, Because you guys dress like shit. So if I see somebody in pajamas, I go, There's an American. I was like, Cool, man. But the thing is, the unofficial attire of a guy in Madrid, if he's Spanish, was always a collared white shirt, like a navy sweater and everybody dressed- Interesting, just slacks.

Yeah, everyone dressed.

Like that for everything. No jinkos.

Yeah, every woman had the wrap around scarf. Interesting. It was just like that was the attire of.

The time. Yeah, I wonder if my family is just trash in Greece because everything was just shittier versions of our clothes. They begged us for like, my uncle would- Guess.

Jeans.

Guess, shirts. -dude, my uncle was really into gantt, which is a... I don't even know what the fuck that is. Gant? Yeah, gant. It's just a brand. Is that a brand? It's a brand. That's hilarious. They would want Polo, Tommy Hill figure. I think my family was just broke because I never had that experience of them looking better. Everyone was just slightly gayer. That's the only really tighter. Titer was the thing, right? And tight was it and touchy feely.

Tite, ironically, became in fashion years later.

Skinny jeans and shit.

Like that. Now when you see super baggy stuff from then, you're like, That looks goofy. Now it's like, What's.

Coming back? What gay guys have big pants. They have big pants now? What gay guys are doing, we'll be doing it in nine months, brother. I'm telling you that's how it works. They take the lead for sure. I'm in New York, too. We're the gays of straight people. It's straight people in New York. It filters into gay people, to straight gay New Yorkers to straight New Yorkers to gay people in Ohio. -you know what I mean?

-and then the straight people after that.

-yeah, then finally. -that's so true. -and then in.

Like three years. -you're ahead.

Of the other gays. -of course, yeah.

-yeah. -if you're.

Straight in NewYork. Not me. I'm a classic, like I said, fat guy look. Hawaiians, when it's hot, tracksuits when it's cold. I'm a simple man.

I just nail it. It is the best, simplicity and comfort.

Comfort first. 100 %. This is it for the rest.

Of my life. By the way, I did Athens on my tour. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Before I went, everybody was like, You're going to want to get out of there. It's rough. It's a shithole. I was like, Really? Because I didn't have any reference.

We.

Land and we're driving through Athens and highways all spray painted. We're like, Yeah, it was rough. Dude, they take us to the south end of Athens on the water and the resort there. I mean.

That's out.

Of control. -and we tried to change our flights to stay longer. Totally. This is the fucking best place I've ever stayed.

Yeah, I mean, that part of Athens is so... Again, I didn't even know that. Again, to show you how poor my family was, I had no idea that existed. That's even there. We would drive 90 minutes to go to the beach because to go there is almost like you feel like you're not allowed.

Yeah, sure.

They're like, Don't go there. And even then now it's like I was staying. I went this summer and my best friend from college, his family is Greek too, and his family's rich. They're rich. And when I visited them, I was like, Oh, I see what's.

Going on here. This is over.

There are two different Athens. You know what I mean? And it's like that shit is incredible. And by the way, even the fucking grimy shit, I love that Athens, begrugingly, I have... Like I used to say it reminded me of Baltimore. Even though I'm a East Coast guy, begrugingly, I have to say it's actually a little L. A. Like where it's like everything's spread out. It's like a big... There's a lot in Athens. In Athens? In Athens, everything's spread out. And the mountains are crazy. And the climate is very similar to L. A.

Actually. Look, it was absolutely stunning. And then from our hotel, we could see the homes that are on the water. And we were like, This is paradigm. Dude, it's incredible. Because everyone always talks about the Greek islands. But from where we're standing, we're like, Why would you leave here?

Dude, you could go to any... Pick any island. It's better than the best resort in America. It's just beautiful. I took my friends were visiting with me, and we just were on a road trip, and we just stopped on the side of the road in mainland Greece. I was like, This beach looks like shit. If we want to take a dip, we might as well. It was like, It doesn't have sand, it has rocks. They were like, This is one of the most beautiful beaches I've ever been to. It's just like a roadside. Really? Like roadside beach is in like... No one would ever consider that a vacation in Greece. It's a culture that's spoiled for vacation.

For vacation, yeah.

We crush hanging out. We crush having a good time. For sure you do. Grilling. The food is insane. The food is hanging out, not having coffee for eight hours.

What's your favorite Greek dish?

I'm a traditionalist where I just like, Give me some fresh shit grilled. Like anything you want. And what's great about Greece, you go to any beach, there is a restaurant on the side of the beach, and they all have the exact same menu.

You don't even have to look at the menu. You don't even have to look at.

The lamb and the cucumber. Lamb, Greek salad. Here's my go to spread. Zatziki, of course, the yogurt dish, a Greek salad. You get fried clamari. I like it fried. What can I say? But grilled is nice too. You get lamb chops or something called caud d'oeuvelie, which is like a slow roasted pork spit. Oh, dude, you're making me Yeah, dude, it's incredible. What I really like is there's places where you just show up and an old woman comes out of the kitchen and she verbally tells you what she has today. This is it. And that, there's nothing better. I agree. She's like, What do you want? I went there with friends and they were like, Where's the menu? And she just comes out and can't speak English. Country built on tourism. This woman never bothered to pick up yes or no, you know what I mean? And just I order. We've had some of the best fucking meals.

When we were in Athens, it was one of the first times where it was so demanding with all the movement that a lot of times we would be in cities and we were like, Well, let's find an awesome restaurant to eat at. We had done that at that point in a ton of cities. We started in Budapest and we did it there and we did it in Berlin and we did it in Paris and in Norway and on and on and on. This is stop, let's say, 15.

Sure.

It's like we're at the venue in Athens and it's like, What do you want to do for dinner? I go, You know, why don't we just have just something? Let's go simple. Instead of going out, Let's just have food brought here. And he's like, What food? I don't know, Greek food?

Right.

I've been fucking greased. I've had some Greek food in my life, but I'd like to try it in Greece. Yeah. So we're like, Okay, just simple. I was like, Let's just ask them where they would get the venue people. They just brought the gyros. By the way, the Greek salad had on top of the Greek salad just-.

A block.

Of feta. -a block of feta. And I was like, Well, and one of the guys who was like, My stomach's bothering me, he just ate the block of feta. He's like, My stomach is still bothering me. I'm like, You just ate a block of cheese.

You psycho. Yeah, dude.

But it was up to that point. We had been at Michelin star restaurants and everything. It's a better-It's a better-I was like, Man.

It'll hit the spot in a way.

The baglava was they were this size.

Not this shit. No, no, no, no. And then you didn't even go to the bakery in the morning. You got to do that the next time you're there where it's like... And that's what I think is the best about Greece. I'm sure there's fine dining, right? I've literally never done it any time. There's no reason to. What is great about Greece is the consistency across the fucking country. And it's also when I traveled around Europe when I was broke as fuck and I was like, 20, if you're broke or if you're rich, you will have the best time in Greece. Whereas that can't be said of other cities. No. If you don't have money in certain cities, the food is fucking bullshit. London? Yeah, you're fucking suffering. London, forget about it. Yeah, you're fucking having chips and peas and shit like that. Fucking you go to Norway, you're eating fucking Elk. You're eating fucking whale, blubber, and Elk. Unless you have a thousand to spend on a meal. Yeah. It fucking rules, dude.

Yeah, that's awesome. It makes me want to go back, dude.

You got to go back. You got to go back. Yeah, I want to go to this. I've never been to South America. I really want to fucking go. I might go do a little fucking warm after this tour is done, after now that the special's done, all that stuff.

Hit a little.

Fucking-go to the beach, bro.

Imagine you go down to Rio, check.

Out- I don't think I can.

Do that. No?

It's a little too much access to some of my vices, Thomas. I don't know that I can be left alone celebrating in Brazil with a nice hunk of tour money in my.

Bank account. I think it's exactly what you need to do. And then once it gets a little out of hand- I can't do it. You go down, I can't.

Do it. Do a little loop de loop. Where you're from, is it Beachy or what? I don't know.

What the city you're from. Yeah, like Lima. Lima is a Pacific town. It's the same climate that L. A. Would be. They're like, It's freezing. It's 50 outside. Got you. Yeah, summers are everyone's at the beach.

Now, how much genocide do you think your family did to maintain fair skin up until now? Because that's something I've always... When I see your mom talk, I'm like, That is conquistador blood. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you know it's so funny, dude. In 2000, before 23 and me and my dad were any of these things, this is the other side, this is my dad's side. My dad's side is obviously Seguura. Yes. My mom's side, her last name is Lasarte, and her other last name, Ugatejo.

-they both go back- Slayer of indigenous.

They both go back to Spain, right? On her side, her father's family comes from Central Spain. Her mother's family comes from.

Northern Spain. Holy fuck. She can trace it.

All the way back there. All the way back there. This is like my dad's family reunion with his brothers and sisters and all the cousins. There's like a bunch of us. It's for New Year's 2000, and they go, Oh, we hired. The dads out of pocket.

Hired-on the.

Segura side? -on the Segura side, a genealogist.

Oh, wow. Before 23.

Before all.

That stuff. They're spitting in some guy's hands. This is a vile.

Exactly. This guy did it, but like the old-fashioned way where he was like hiring a.

Private detective. He was going through public records and shit like that.

Yeah, and he had charts and he was doing a presentation. We're all sitting there in this thing and he finds the first Cigurra from our bloodline that came over. And he came over from Andalucía in the south, and he came to Louisiana. And there's a bunch of Cigurras in Louisiana. And then we're like, Oh, wow. We think, Well, that's the end of the story. And he's like, This guy died a millionaire in the 1700s, right? What the fuck? And we're like, Oh, wow. And then you're like, Hey, that's pretty cool. And then he's like, Yeah.

I don't know if there's any chill way to make a million.

Dollars in the 1700s. In the 1700s. And then he's just like, Yeah, he was a really bad guy. We're like, What?

The seed from which you all sprang.

They're like, He was not a nice man. Then you think that you're like, How is this going to end? -yeah. Then he puts up a.

Photograph of.

Just a tree. And he's like, This is where he killed a guy on this tree. And we're like, Oh, Jesus. -and then.

It's just like... -i have one guy. That's fine. To me, I was like, This is the Seguura Hanging tree. Anytime one of them got out of line.

It's just like he just keeps telling worse and.

Worse stories. He's the first guy that invented linching.

Yeah, that's you guys. That's who your family is. We're like, This is cool. At one point, he produces.

30 pages.

From the guy's will of slaves. He's like, pages. We're like, Yeah, everyone's just like, This is a cool event.

This is fun. Wow! Can't wait to do the electric slide now. Can't wait to grill up some burgers.

Let me turn the music on.

I think I'm going to sit in quiet.

Contemplation of.

The sins in my blood. In my blood.

Yeah. It just went. It got worse from there. That is crazy. I thought he started, he had this business and he was ruthless and he was like.

Cool, cool. Even his side projects were like, fucked up. He was like, Yeah, he did slavery, but he also entrapped some artists. You know what they did in Motown? He was above that.

He also killed prostitutes a lot. A lot of them, actually.

They couldn't prove it because there was no DNA back then, but he's highly suspected to be the Louisiana prostitute slay on. Sagura to tortuosity slay on. Yeah. -sagura is a great name to say.

Krayol, too. -sagura. -sagura. -it was.

One of those. -don't you go all the way to the Slayer land, boy. You know what it does to live a boy. -he gets strong up. He's strong up, fucks them, cuts the nuts off, makes a necklace.

That's my grandpa's feet.

Yeah, pretty cool. He was like the bogeyman in that town. Don't go to the Seguora State.

I mean, he painted a picture for a half an hour of this guy being a savage.

Just a small-time fucking war lord.

And then it was like, Enjoy your family reunion.

Dude, you got to run that by the principals before you give the whole family. You got to let the.

Dads do it. Yeah, and have them be like, Just kids here, man.

Can you just pretend you didn't know- You can.

Cut the slave stuff out of the presentation.

Just say you went to Ellis Island, started a fruit stand. Give us something.

Good guy.

Give us, you know. They should have standard American stories that if your father or whatever, your great, great, whatever is a piece of shit, you should be able to like, Yep, he actually fought for the Union and died. You know what I mean? He was Abraham Lincoln's best friend. He was.

A patriot, and that's all we know. Unfortunately, the records aren't kept very well.

From that era. Yeah, they should just give you the town he came from.

Just man with honor.

The America, dude, that's a... I mean, I wonder what he was up to before.

I can't imagine.

It's so fucked up.

To be like-Also, think about the type of guy in that era who's like, Just get on a ship across the world. The shittiest transport. People are dying next to you. That's how much I want to get out of here. Then you just arrive on new land. I'm going to fuck shit up here. Time to kill people.

Back to the mafia thing. You're right. Yeah, he had a little bit of.

That in them. They said that, I mean, I just saw a bio thing about the Columbus expedition. It was just like 80 guys on one of these ships. They were saying that when they landed, I forget in which if they were in Cube or something, that they would just maim people for sport. Just cut hands off for sport. Just to warm up. Just like, I'm ready to go.

-i just just cut their hands. -insane. You're right. These are the guys that are just like, I'm going to just get on a ship. I'm going to get dysentery. I'm going to get fucking scurvy. Who knows what they were fleeing to. The guys that get on those ships do not have a good life in that.

Fucking country. There's no way you're like, Home is awesome. I have a great wife. I have great kids. My job is killer. They're not thinking like that at all.

They're escaping. They're escaping. It's like join the army or get on this boat or get executed for your many crimes, which I think is probably what happened a.

Lot of the time. And it's like you've been on that ship, by the way, for months. Yeah. And then there's a type of person you've never seen. They're like, If you want to go and fuck them up, we're-.

That's your first instinct.

It's a good time to do it. I know you're pent up, man.

Think about the like, Yeah, dude, these guys have been pent up just bros the whole time. The whole time. You're tired of rating the guy with the bum ankle that can't defend themselves. That guy, Charlie? Yeah, you're tired of fucking the guy with a little hand who's on the expedition.

Yeah, Charlie.

Hops over there. I mean, what they were up to. These are criminals. This is the 1700s. It's really like a... Yeah, everything Columbus did makes sense. Wasn't good, right?

But you can't even imagine. I always think about when something horrific happened like that. In our world, in our mind today, if somebody does something terrible, they would tell somebody and then you have this reaction of like, What did you do? But I imagine that when those guys, when they were like somebody was like, He just raped these people and cut their hands off that Columbus would be like...

He'd be like, That's what you get for taddling.

What do you think we're doing here? Of course.

I'm here for spices and pussy.

I want these guys to have some fun.

They've been on.

A ship.

For seven months. He saw himself as a cool boss.

He was like, You've got to keep.

Morale up. You've got to keep morale up. I'm going to be a dick. Come on. Have you seen Gimp, Charlie's Hole? We've used it up.

He's bleeding all over the place.

These guys got to.

Have a good time. Yeah, let these guys let loose, man.

Yeah, dude. Fucking brutal stuff.

I've got a bunch of.

Knuckleheads on this shit. I know. You guys- We got a couple of cookie characters in here.

Chopping hands off again?

Fucked up, dude.

Fucked.

Up, man. Yeah, I don't have any genealogy of my family, but apparently Halquius, it's a name from an island. So my grandfather grew up in mainland Greece, but his grandfather was from this island called Carpatho. We can't find his side of the family because that was the most common name on that island. It was like Johnson or Smith or whatever. We met some random cousin, a guy I don't know at all. Just Facebook message my brother years ago with all this rumor about that side of the family. And the rumor is that apparently we don't know our actual name from that side of the family, but apparently that guy fucked some guy's wife. The guy was going to kill him, and he just left the island and changed his name to the most common name from that island so no one could trace him. That's hilarious. I'm out. So it's like a guy who fucks a guy's wife and won't defend himself is a coward. That's who I'm descended from. It's like a horny coward. I'll change my name.

Change.

My name? I don't need to look. Everything I know, this is the 1800s. I'm just going to go fucking roll the dice, starting you life.

I think I have a bunch of assholes on both sides. Yeah, my grandfather, who I never met on my mom's side, everybody was like, this guy was a serious man. Yeah, that's brutal. Yeah. And you're like, Oh, I'm like, he was a doctor. This is a long time ago. It's in South America. Oh, man. And then he became mayor.

Of the town. The doctors now, what do you think they were doing then?

Here's the thing. There's no such thing as in that era, too, of the idea that you would question this man.

Right. He knows how to read. Yeah, he's.

The guy. He just tells you and then you just go like, thank you. I think he was pretty big ego.

Little.

Warlords, basically. Yeah, he was like a warlord.

Doctor De Maeyer back then is... Yeah, you're not fucking with.

That guy. No way, man. No way. And they're like, Yeah, he was like, I don't think he was a sweetheart of a dad.

Right.

Yeah. All the stories are just like they're like, He would come home and my mom or whatever, if I had to take his shoes off, give him a glass of Scotch, and put on classical music. And then that was how he would unwind. I mean, it is like a war lord is returned. Totally.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yeah. If you don't do it fast enough, he just kicks his own child. He's like, Pop. Next one up. Who gets to put my sneakers on now?

Yeah, that's a backhand era too.

Oh, yeah. That's not. They don't even count that as hitting your kid. That's maintenance.

Yeah, and that's not for saying some shit. That's just because he felt like it.

Yeah, a little Columbus vibe. I was like, Yeah.

Why are you looking?

I feel your presence. Do not look like that to me. Do not look at me with love and respect.

Adore me always.

Adore me or nothing.

Yeah, that doesn't seem to like... I feel like that era of dude... It's not passable now. I don't feel like... I'msure there's people listening who are like, Oh, you haven't met my dad. But I feel like it's less frequent.

Well, it's like dogs where it's like, yeah, they were wolves. And then slowly, not every man is a Pomeranian, but even a Bulldog now or even a Pit Bull now is not what it used to be. You know what I mean? That's how I see it because every foreign dad, what you're describing is just a very turned-up version of most foreign dads that I know. Yeah, where it's like, Yeah, just slowly we're working, we're putting some humanity into these people. Because all those people, even if they weren't sociopaths, they probably had think about how atrocious their fucking lives were.

That's what I always think about. Christina talks about her parents and grandparents and all their shortcomings and what was normal to them. I'm like, Yeah, but what was his fucking childhood like?

That must.

Have been fucking horrific. Totally. The dad was like, Yeah, we'd find dead soldiers and just play with their bullets that were falling. You're like, Yeah, that's what he did when you went to the.

Fucking mall. Right. That was his mall. It was like the mass grave. You would dig through the mass grave to find cool shit. He didn't understand.

He just told me this, that people have their dogs indoors here.

Yeah.

That's a big-That was a big one. But they had a multis. That's a fucking... That's a cute little lap dog. They just put it outside. It was like his second wife that was like, Let's bring... He's like, The dog? Yeah. The dog stays outside.

I got a little villager brain in that sense, too, where I'm like, I like dogs. I've never had one because I'm always traveling, and I do want one at some point. But the idea that a dog would be in my bed actually fucks me up. Really? I really think like-I think-The couch is one thing. The couch is one thing.

The bed. I think that yeah, to me it's normal because I grew up.

With it. Most of my friends who have dogs, they would hear me say that and be like, You're a monster. But it's a fucking animal.

That's exactly.

That's villager thoughts. I know, it is. It's so funny. My parents found this adorable little dog, right? Yeah. Just strolling the streets of Baltimore, little shitsu. We thought it was a baby. They took it to the vet finally to check if it had a chip. No owner, no nothing. Apparently, it was just like a fucking turned out street whore. Our little cute... We thought it was this little baby. The vet's like, Take a look at her nipples. They're just like, dangling. This thing was like, it's already like 10 years old, but she's so cute and little. They took her to the vet and they were like, Hey, we noticed something with her heart. Like, her heart has a problem. They were like, We could do this test. Test will be 200 bucks, but if it comes back negative, she's good. If it comes back positive, she's going to need a $3,000 operation. My mom was like, Don't do the test. My mom was like, Either she's got it or she don't. She ain't getting a fucking operation. My mom loves this dog. Yeah. That's the thing. They still have it? Still have it. She's still doing good.

She's fine. But it's not like the dog doesn't matter to her. It's just like, Well, if my car needed 50, $20,000 in repairs and it costs $20,000, why would I do that? It's just like a dog is not worth thousands of dollars. It doesn't even compute.

That's also very foreign parent, right? Yes, totally. Because Americans will be like, I'm just doing this knee replacement on my dog. It's 15 grand.

Even I am like, Come on, it's a fucking dog. Give it some fucking extra food. Let it get fat and whatever, hang out. Feed it whatever the fuck it wants. Let it go out easy. But fucking knee replacement? I can't do that. When people cook food for their dogs, I'm.

Like.

Come on, guys.

We picked up a dog one time where we got it from this breeder. We also had a rescue.

We're like, Yeah. We got one from a breeder. It even is out.

And when we picked it up, they gave us a laminated thing. I was like, What is this? They were like, This is what she eats. I'm reading. I was thinking, I grew up with like, Here's dog food. She was like, In the mornings, I'd scramble some eggs. I'd dice up this stuff. I was like, What? Scramble eggs? And then she was like, And then in the evening or for that other meal, I mince chicken. Insane. And I throw in, and I was like, Thank you for printing this out for me. I will follow this to a T. Yeah, but I thought that was crazy. That's insane. But there are a lot of people that they're like, Yeah, of.

Course you do that. That's crazy to me. I mean, my brother, they just got an awesome dog. But what he's doing, I respect even more because he won't feed a dog. It's going back to its roots where he just throws a fucking chicken feet. And he just throws it meat. It's like it's a fucking dog. Bones. Yeah. And she likes that. And that is actually probably healthier for a dog. Probably. You know what I mean? And she's cool. I mean, she doesn't go outside.

But-the best feeling in the world, though, is when you have a dog and you have a bone from a T-bone and there's a lot of fat on it and there's still some meat chunks and you just see the dog's a crackhead. It's like starting to shake. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then you go, Here you go. And they're like... And they just lose their minds and they end up just licking the bone.

Dude, if you send me that bone, I'd lose my mind. I'm sucking off a bone.

To the- I've done it in restaurants, too. Because they're like, This is not proper. I'm like, I can't get it. This bone is getting.

Picked up. This fucking steak was a hundred dollars. You don't think I'm sucking off every fucking piece of it? Absolutely. Yeah, I have mine now. It's been a year that I've had any money, so I'm sucking off the steak.

It's not even close. That's the best part. I do not respect. The best part is the bone.

It's the best part. It's a fucking steak.

And it's all like-Let's eat it with our hands. -like, grilled, crisp.

The crispiness? Dude, I've fucking cracked the bone and been like...

-inside. -the fat coming out of it.

It's fucking awesome.

Yeah, we can go to a.

Steak right now.

My dick's getting hard.

I'm just talking about this.

I'm down for a fucking rib-eye.

Right now. Still, dude, I'm a rib-eye boy, no question about it. I need my shit fatty as fuck. Yeah. Don't give me a filet. I'll spit in your eye if you serve me a filet. I need that shit marbled.

I mean, at least get me a New York strip.

Minimum. And I'm like, Okay.

You give me a New York strip, I'm like, fine.

But a bone in rib eye? Come on, man.

I need it fattiest. And by the way, it wrecked my body. It's like, You're not supposed to eat that much. I know. I wake up, I go to bed after a big steak dinner, and I'm like, I will be up at 3:00 AM taking the worst shit of my life. I will be scared. I will be like, Is this it? I will be hot. Hot as fuck, dude. I will be like, Did somebody poison me? The last three ribbons I've had. Consistently, yeah. No. At first I was like, Wow, that restaurant. I went to a fancy restaurant. It poisoned me. That's what I thought. I was like, Maybe it was the 60 ounces of meat plus appetizers. It's so much food, dude. It's so much food, dude. It's crazy.

It's so fucked up. When I have a fatty.

Steak.

Within three hours I start farting. Oh, yeah. But a type of fart that it does smell like someone is going to be hospitalized. Yes. It's a rotten specific-.

Your inside is starting to rot.

And I'm like, Oh, that's what-like, the beef does to me. It's fucked up. Literally, it smells like a mixture of.

Chemical and.

It smells rotten.

Yeah. When you take a shit and it's green and you're like, I haven't had a vegetable in two weeks. How did this happen? It looks like those shits babies take where it's just.

Green goo. By the way, I've been like for years, steakhouse is just like, Well, what's the biggest, fattiest thing on the menu? Always. And you find out that you're supposed to have six ounces of beef. Oh, dude, I know. And you're like, Oh, really? Yeah. What have you been having? I'm like, I don't know, 22 ounces.

Whatever they serve, yeah, whatever the most fucked up thing is.

And they have those steak houses that are like, This is for two. This is a 64. And you're like.

Oh, okay. We'll see about that. Yeah, it's for two. It's for me and a woman. What do you think the ratio is on that? I'm like, Hey, babe, want to split this?

This place, by the way, I know because you live in New York, you have great... But this town has.

Great steak houses. I know. Every time I come, I try and have one steak.

Yeah, you should try the dip because there's so many good spots here.

Yeah, I really should. The last time I think I came here when there was some fucking dickhead, like Tech Conference. And so it was like, no, all the good ones were taken up by guys who probably were going to just eat fucking greens anyway. That's the thing that pissed me off. It was like a bunch of guys from San Francisco took all the fucking steak houses. Let me get in there. They're not going to enjoy this. But I still had a great meal. I was like, What's available? And then I saw Vince Young's Steakhouse. I was like, Vince is my guy. Vince is a good guy. He's the fucking man. Let's go. Had a great steak. Delicious. The apps were incredible. That was the third in a row, one of those shits that I take the 3:00 AM, overheated, like begging God for forgiveness while I'm shitting, all my clothes are off. I have to lay my fat stomach on the cold tub to just chill out for a second. And then I was like, Vince wouldn't do this to me. This is me problem.

This is not on the fucking.

Events yet. A Heisman winner would never treat.

Me like this. Never treat you like that. No. Well, I'll make you a list of places to try here.

Please. Oh, wait, did Reggie Bush win that year? I don't remember. Was that the same year? The same year? That was a great year of college football, but I.

Don't think he won one. Because Reggie obviously won one.

But you did some fucking producing in here, you motherfuckers. 5. Yeah, he did. Sorry. I'm used to yelling at my Albanian eldest.

He was the runner up the year that.

Reggie won. I think so. I think so. Yeah. That was a fucking great year of college football.

Oh.

My God. That was.

Fucking incredible. I think people, even now sometimes, overher look how fucking crazy Reggie Bush was.

Insane. And fucked Kim Kardashian when that was still new and cool to do. One of the fresh ones in there. And it was like, whoa.

He was the first rounder multiple times.

Yeah. I think that was right after... I think that was right after Reggie, which barely counts. You know what I mean? I think Reggie was her first foray into celebrity black dick. And then it was only upwards and onwards from there. She was a rocket ship.

Big time Blacks.

After that. She was climbing the giant, the totem pole and got to Kanye and then turned his brain to mush, unfortunately.

Fucking that pussy.

Must be crazy. Oh, my God. I wonder about that. I wonder if it's like Pussy, plus psychological torture. Because there are geniuses, but they're evil, the Cardashians. There's no way around it. Chris, I don't know what happened. I mean, Kanye was already an unstable person, obviously. And sometimes I do feel like that level of talent has to come with an off-brain. Definitely. A brain shouldn't be that good at music. And so something is off.

Because his production is-It's insane. -it'ssick and wacky. I mean, wacky in that your brain is not supposed to be able to cook all that up. It's insane. And that has to come at a price. That you're hearing those sounds in your head, you're hearing other shit in your head, too, man.

And if you heard him describe how he views music or how he listens to music, it's like he sees it. He sees songs. He's talked about it where it's like different things are like... It's a visual representation in his head. And it's fascinating. But I'm like, Yeah, dude. You're up against some of the some weaponized, Armenian pussy. Yeah. That brain has no chance. The Gardasians really are like, That's an American success story, much like the original Segun. Yeah, exactly. It's like, Yeah.

Those Cardashians have smashed some dude's brains in with those Pussies. Guys have just melted down. Yeah.

It must be awesome. It's funny when you think like she was, because that... The whole Chris Humphries, where she just married a guy.

Because-because it was like a.

Tv special. I remember because I'm a huge hoops guy, and there was a list of guys she was considering. It was like filling The Daily Show or whatever, where she had to play in a major market, preferably New York. They literally tried to go after Danilo Galinari. And he was just like, Wait, what the fuck is this? You're trying to marry me? Really? Yeah, that's something I read on the internet seven years ago.

I don't know if this is true now, but I remember them. He wasn't obviously a superstar.

No, he was not. He was just like a journeyman.

Yeah, but I remember he bought her a ring. This is like a substantial sum of money for this guy. She was like, Yeah, but I'm doing this. And then she's like, I don't want.

To be married to you. Yeah, I think she was just like, We need... I think it was literally like a production meeting for that season of The compassionate. It's like, Kim's story is light. Can we get a marriage in here, athlete marriage.

Nba player or something like that? -yeah. -somebody like 6-10, something like that.

It's a 6-10. Yeah, just a tall guy. But shout out to Chris Humphries. He had no business in there. -no. -you know what I mean? He got in there. -he got in there. -yeah. -salute to him.

-good for.

You, man. Good for you, brother. And he played in the league after that. Good guy. It's a good story. That's a fun little story to bring out for the rest of your life.

Because there's a lot of people who, let's be fair, meet.

That guy. Are you shaming marriages? Meet that guy.

But I'm saying meet that guy and they're like, I don't know who this is. Of course. Totally. They don't recognize him. Totally. Some of them, if you're a deep hooper, you go like, Oh, but everyone outside of that is going to be like, You're tall. What's up?

They'll ask him, Because he's tall, did you play basketball? Did you get that? And he was like, No, did I play basketball? You want to hear some wild shit? But because I was signed to the Brooklyn Nets when Kim Kardashian was looking for some 6, 8, and over cock, I was married to her for however long it was. Twelve days. Yeah.

Yeah. And yeah, I smashed it.

It was pretty great. That's cool. That's a nice little benefit.

That is a cool story for that guy.

I'd love to be in a shem Hollywood marriage. Dude, let's.

Set you up. Who should we get you?

I'm open, dude. Yeah. Who would pair nice to the big fat party animal? You know who I'd be great for? It's like somebody who's doing a wellness thing and she turns my life around. -oh. -turns me from Chris Pratt, makes me Christian. That can happen, bro. -yeah. -that top shelf stuff too. Puts me in some cult. And I'm like, It's incredible. I can't believe how I was living before.

You get that out of this world, Puss, you'll start changing your life. Dude.

Yeah. Something like not Scientology, that's a little pass-ay at this point, Scientology adjacent. It seems like a cool Christian, like Justin Bieber's, like a pastor. Yeah. Like a cool Christian.

Type of guy. Like cool spiritual. It's not too-.

But ultimately when you do the math, it's Christian. Although you know what would be fun.

They dress it up, yeah.

Islam. Let's get in there. No one's really done it. No one's really done it. Now you're talking. Now we're talking, bro.

Now we got a pitch.

Who do we got? The Bella and Gigi Hadid. But I feel like, yeah, they're the only ones I can think of.

Are they Muslim?

Yeah, Palestinian.

Oh, they are?

Yeah. So yeah, just something like... Look, we don't have to do it now. We don't have to solve it now. But I also like...

By the way, what's the top-shelf Muslim puss out right now? I could Google that.

Yeah. Mia Khalifa. Oh, yeah. Who's this? I've never heard.

Of her. Sophia Butella.

Yeah, but she's-These look like… Are these pornography?

That's definitely-Anisa Kate.

That's porn. Algeria. That's cool. There's Gigi, like you said.

Yep. Golchifette, Farhane.

Isabella, Johnny. I don't know.

Layla, Beckhiti. This is awesome podcasting because I was just looking at girls like, I might want to fuck. Let's get my agent on the phone, on the horn.

Well, look.

Man, here's the thing. I can do this for a while. I'm just looking at chicks I'd like to fuck potentially.

There's a lot of beautiful women on this list.

There's a lot. I don't know hardly any of them, though. Right. And that's what the real work is on this pitch, is that it can't just be a beautiful Muslim woman. Right. She's got to be known.

Well, it could be like, Let's buy low on both of us. Yeah. You know what I mean? And let's get something. Then maybe I cheat with somebody famous. And it brings up both our Q ratings. There you go. It's like, Oh, she had them. I'd have to lose a bunch of weight and I have to gain it all back and have a relapse and fuck like, Doja Cat or something. And then she would be like, I can't believe he betrayed me. And she would get the Jennifer Aniston bump after Angelina and Brad Pitt happened where she was like, and then I would be such a piece of shit. But then that would be good for my stand-up because now everybody's waiting for my- Your story. -after he fucked up, he's a fat again. I mean, this.

Is perfect. Dude, you just laid it out.

The Illuminati, if you're listening, I've been trying. I've been trying.

To get in. The plan is in place. We just need help executing.

We just need to highlight it all.

Somebody reach.

Out to a fucking- I'd love to suck on a nice tan nipple.

Oh, yeah. Have you hooked up with Greek Girls?

Not really. Only one.

Actually, weirdly. Was it in Greece or here? Here. Here.

Yeah. But I'd love... I mean, the older I get, the more I'm like, Damn, it matters. I want... Because I'm 34 and my whole life has just been trying to get successful in comedy. And it's like, If I don't get any more successful in this, I'm happy, bro. This is a fucking safe life. This is a great life. This has been a fucking safe life. This life rules. I'm solid. I don't want to like... So now I'm like, Well, then maybe I should be a human being instead of... Because you see people that just really want to just- Just chase the thing. -and that's crazy. I don't want to do it. I want to.

Soul, right?

You have a good instinct. I feel like it's drained a lot out of me. The last couple of years have been awesome. I've done a lot of cool shit. But I'm like, Let me just be a human being. Now that I'm like, I think I should try being in a serious relationship, whatever. Part of me is like, I guess. I'm at the age where friends are having kids and getting married finally. Yeah, this is the age. I'm like, Damn, I think it would be cool if we shared some cult. I would like it to have some cultural overlap. The dream would be like maybe half Greek, maybe, or even cooler would be like immigrants to Greece. Yeah. So somebody who's like Asian or African that speaks fluent Greek. Oh, yeah. But then we share. There's just enough overlap. But I'm trying to get... I don't want to bring another white person into this world.

I.

Think you're great. Let's get it. That's enough of us already.

Such a good instinct. I think the plan should be we hook up with this.

Muslim chick.

Yes, right. And then you go, I'm going to visit family. You go back to Greece. Now we're talking. You hook up. A village bitch. And she's like. She gets mad at you. And then you are like, This is who I'm meant.

To be.

I'm sorry. So the love of your life really is the Greek girl?

It is a little stick with your own. You know what I mean? That's my one issue. So if she could be a foreign Greek, it would soften it because it feels a little like the message to take away is, look, we're.

Going to try and-You've seen how prisons operate, right? Yeah. You eat with your own kind. That's how you survive. Let's just say it's fair, okay? Yeah. Not a lot of mixing it up on the inside.

No, there isn't. You're right. But we're on the outside, so I think I would like to be a little more sexually progressive. But look, all of this is up for debate. Contact me and Tom. We'll get this figured out.

Feel free to reach out to me. I will vet your pussy. Can you get 10.

Percent of the pussy? You're my pussy manager. I'll let.

Them know who's worth reaching out to, okay? Don't forget to watch Fat Rascord. Fat Rascord. Out now on Nevice. Congratulations, bro. I'm very happy for you. I really appreciate it.

Thanks for having me.

And thank you again for doing the bit for.

Us, 69 Minutes. It's so funny. Go watch that, guys.

Go check it out. And we'll see you guys next time.

Bert, Tom.

Tom.

And Bert.

One goes.

Top as.

Well, the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine.

There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean.

Here's what we.

Call Two.

Bear's One Cave.