Hey, everybody. Tom Seguira here. Tickets for the first leg of my new tour come together are on sale right now at tomseguira. Com/tour. The tour kicks off December 30th in Honolulu, Hawaii, and then into 2024, with stops in Asia and North America, including my hometown of Cincinnati. Before you start yelling, What about my city, Tom? Don't worry, I'll get there and it's a whole new hour of material. A lot of more dates are coming. I will announce them soon. So go get your tickets right now at tomsegrow. Com/tour before they sell out. This week on Two Bear's 1K, I am now getting just homicides. Just straight-up murders. I feel.

The energy, the juice that God wanted you to have when you were born. I feel it. It's in my mouth and you're just courting through my fucking brain.

My friend, Bert Kraeyser, razzle-dazzle.

Hundred %. Cheers.

Finally, we are back and from renal failure and missing extremities to down 35-plus pounds.

I'm 40 pounds, Tommy.

40 pounds down.

40 fucking pounds.

Bertrand Kraeyser. That's what you went first? You went 83 days without alcohol.

I went 83 days without alcohol, and then 10 solid ones with.

Bert, you look notably different. I know.

You don't realize how many- Do you feel better? I feel amazing. You know, it's crazy. There's so much. There's too much to unpack. Honestly, suffice to say you don't realize how deep you are in obesity and drinking and keeping how deep you are in the hole until you get your head a little bit out of it, and then you start feeling better and little things are feeling a lot better for me.

Also, when you just look at a three-month-old photo, you're like, What the fuck? When I look at a photo of myself even from a year and a half ago, I'm like, Damn. I was fully delusional.

I apologize to your agent. Did he tell you that?

Yeah, he was really.

Touched by it. We were at some party in LA, and he came up to me and I was like, Hey, man, I owe you an apology. He came up to me right at the very beginning of my downward spiral. I say downward spiral in the funnest fucking.

Possible way. Well, we have to set up the context. What happened was maybe a year and a half to two years ago, something like a year and a half ago, so we were both in New York. We have to be able to be in New York on the same night, and we met up for dinner with a group. We went out with a whole group of people.

It was right when I started putting on weight. Right when I started.

The beginning- Sorry, I know exactly when it was. It was March of '22.

Yes.

It was.

Like a year and a half. I just had bit off way more than I could chew in everything. I had a special that I had to shoot. I had a special I had to promote. I had a movie I had to promote. I had an arena tour in the North America. I had one in Australia, one in Europe. I mean, I just was like, I bit off. I had fully loaded. I had a cruise. I had Red Rocks. I would not listen to you. If you told me, Slow down, I'd tell you, Get the fuck out of my way.

Well, we sat down at dinner, I guess one of the first things he told.

You- Very casual, he goes, I'm worried about you.

Yeah, I'm worried about you. You need to take it easy. You're like, Who the fuck are you? You're my wife or something?

I told him that. I said, You're not my friend. You're not my boy. We don't text about pussy. Don't fucking tell me to slow down. Don't tell me you're worried about me. If you want to enjoy dinner with me tonight, shut your fucking mouth and order a goddamn drink. He wasn't the only person I told that to.

But a whole bunch of time went by.

What happened is fully loaded. He's fully loaded. The end of fully loaded. I was so out of control, meaning just... And it's the way to everything, like food. Booze wasn't any different than it ever has been. I was still working out, but I was just gotten so bloated that Georgia and I, and LeAnne all said something to me. My sister said, I want to put a pin in your neck and deflate you. I went, What? She goes, You look uncomfortable. She goes, Do you realize how many times you rearrange yourself on the couch?

I would just go- Oh, you did, yeah. You were always shifting.

Even getting off the couch, I'd be like... What's crazy is, and I say this understanding what the internet sounds like, meaning what people say, because people lie to themselves on the internet all the time. Of course. That's what the internet's made up of. I'm starting to really appreciate the people to tell the truth, which are very few and far between. I was in great shape. I was working out what didn't have a heart attack. You were in A shape. I was in A shape, but I was benching 225 10 times. I was strong. I was strong. I just was completely. I did that went to my cardiologist and talked to Logan. Literally, I've been carnivore for… Do not listen to me. I don't have any answers. I don't know anything.

No one here is saying follow Bert's lead.

On anything ever. I'm trying to get into sins. I saw rogue and does them. I'm like.

Fuck, why not? I was into those for a minute, and then some fucking cool guy introduced me to rogues.

These are not. I bet I can guess who that cool guy was.

Wait, I'm trying to remember.

I.

Have to remember who it was, too.

I thought it was someone. I thought it was Aquaman.

No, no, no.

Does he do those? I didn't see that. Everyone cool does them.

Here's the thing, man. It really does.

I feel- Let me see that one.

I have to tell you. -these are bigger, sweeter.

I got to be honest with you, and this is the truth. I had a sincere problem with tobacco, with chewing tobacco. Oh, really? Oh, sincere, meaning I had to quit.

You were like a Redman guy?

I was Redman. I was Copenhagen. I was Skull. Every now and then, I'll throw in a black Buffalo on the road because there's a black Buffalo zero. I'll throw one in if we're all sitting around outside. What's beautiful about those you can drink while you have one in, so you can spit. It's really nice. But I've been flirting with these the same way... Do you ever see a celebrity cheat on his wife? And you're like, We saw that coming. Right. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, I'm not fucking Tarrin Manning internet, okay? These I've been flirting with. I buy them all the time. -you don't take them? -i've never even opened them. -do what? I'm nervous because I'm afraid I'm back immediately.

-but here's the thing. What? This is the only time you can actually say this. There's no tobacco. These are tobacco-free. This is straight nicotine. Put your nail in there. Straight nicotine.

Maybe this is the Lord saying something. Here. I can't open yours.

It's just nicotine. You get like the here.

Wow, that came out quick.

You get the nicotine fix. I feel like more focused. It's a little stimulant. It's better than speed. That's what the doctor said. It is? He goes, You're not going to do speed, right? I'm like, I'm.

Probably not. Will you talk to your doctor about that? I'm sweating.

Right now. I tried to get that Vivance. I guess they said, someone told me it was like Diet Adderall. He's like, It is like diet Adderall plus.

Dude, Adderall is so fucking good. I know. Have you ever talked to someone on Adderall and they try to tell you they're sober? And you're like.

You're not sober, bro. You're not sober. No, but this is a stimulant. Let me see yours. Now, these are sweeter than those. Okay.

Just throw it in, dude. I mean, this is like- There's no spitting.

Really? There's no tobacco. There's no cancer-causing chemicals.

Hold on.

You're telling me this is- People are thinking this is an organic plug. We are not associated with either one of these.

We're not associated.

With either of these. I'm just trying to get people on nicotine, man.

I heard it's better for your brain.

Yeah.

I saw Huberman tell you right here. Huberman said right now, if he was a young boy, he would get addicted to nicotine today or something like that. I forget what.

He said. Let's just say, he probably didn't say exactly. But it's a great pre-workout.

I'm serious. I'm going to put the head of my dick in and see if I want to keep fucking-There you go. I'm going to put it in.

Put it in, dude. You're on board. You're going to love it.

Let's see if I feel the jazz.

You're in. I can already tell. I know.

You don't need to spit?

No, there's no tobacco.

I'll tell you, I love the feeling of my life.

I can tell. It feels so fucking good. It feels.

Good, right? I haven't felt it yet, but I know the feeling.

When it hits you. It's coming, dude. It's coming. When it.

Hit, it was burning.

It's burning. I feel like I'm doing heroin in a bathroom at a gas station. Some dude's like, Hey, man, I'll suck your cock. I was like, I'll do anything right now. You just swallow? Yeah. You don't get sick? No. I miss the spinning part.

I know, but you'll get used to it.

How many of these do you do a day?

I don't know. I lost count.

I quit drinking for the rest of my fucking life if I.

Have nicotine. Oh, dude. I'm dialed in with this. I'm serious. Really? Yeah. I have one in the morning. I have one on the way to a workout.

I could do one in a workout. That would.

Be great. Yeah, they're great.

That would be so fucking awesome.

Yeah. You got to remember sometimes you're like.

Oh, yeah. Do you fall asleep with them?

I have.

I saw an interview where Joe is doing Zens. Really? I was like, Wait, Joe is doing Zens? Joe does a research.

Yeah, it's nicotine, dude.

Why don't you put one in?

It's in right.

Now, bro. Oh, you have in? Yeah. Oh, my God. It's almost like being AIDS. You don't even know who has it.

Yeah, I have it in. It's great. I had one in for a photoshoot, and I forgot. You can see every photo.

I'm like-Can you tell I have one in? I put one in my lip like that. I should put it here. Oh, God, it feels so good. It feels like you're brushing your teeth.

It's great. It's good for you. Never quit. I'm very proud that you took such a good care of yourself. I think you look great.

I feel great. I will say that I'm not sober, so I don't want anyone- I know. Yeah. I've been smoking a lot of weed. I drank on the cruise. I drank in the Cayman Islands. I drank three nights ago, four nights ago, we went to a thing for out of school. I drank there. I don't have a problem drinking. I like drinking a lot. I'll drink with you tomorrow night. Okay. You better drink there. The one thing I'm telling you is that, especially if you're a big partier who looks at me and goes, Is you going to quit drinking? I'm not. Look, that's never going to happen. Here's the thing. I had said to myself in a speech a long time ago, I'll always stay healthy enough to keep drinking, or I had not let that happen. I got into a place where I was in a hole, and it was a matter of like, I had to start to have two friends go to rehab within that time. Yeah, I remember. I was like, All right, I'm back. This tastes so good. But now I'm way healthy enough to keep drinking. So we'll drink tomorrow night at dinner.

Wait, I can't wait. I can't fucking wait. I look forward to drinking. By the way, sometimes I don't drink like a regular person. Sometimes last night, LeAnne's like, Let's get in the hot tub. Normally, immediately I go glass of wine. Last night I went, Now let's just get in the hot tub and get to sleep early tonight. Nice. I just feel good. Good.

Well, you look good.

I feel fucking phenomenal. I will tell you, a lot of the fans say that you're totally unrelated now, but I understand why you became unrelated. It feels really cool to buy something nice. It fits your body.

As opposed to just like a fucking bedsheet?

As opposed to a bedsheet. As soon as your body fits in things, you're like, Oh, I wouldn't mind.

Getting a nice.

-god, I fucking love this thing in my mouth. -i know, dude. -getting a nice jacket. I have no jackets. All my jackets look huge on me. I don't have a suit. I was like, I'm going to get a suit. I'm going to get jackets. I'm going to get like, I can see my dick.

Isn't that awesome?

Oh, it's fucking insane. My dick look so.

Big, too. Well, yeah, you lost so much.

Weight around it. It has gotten so much bigger. I've taken so many pictures, and I haven't even edited them to.

Show you. Oh, I can't wait to see your dick again.

Oh, I can't wait to show it to you.

Once again, there is a proven that there is nobody better to find your missing items, particularly your wallets and your purses, than me. I found a purse on the fucking street today. Really? Yeah. I pull up to JFK. I step out of the car, and I just look down at where your foot's stepping and I see a strap. I reached down and it's a purse. It looks like it's been yanked from someone because the strap is unclasped. I'm like, It's a purse? I'm just grabbing my bags out of the car. As I grab this purse, you know the curbside baggage guys? The guy sees me, he's like, Oh. He sticks his hand out and I go, Get the fuck out of here. I turn my back to him like, Not you. Because I know I could see his... He's like, Who knows what's in that, right? Yeah. I'm like, I don't even actually... He said something else. I'm like, We're not even having this conversation. I dragged my bags inside, and he fucking follows me inside. He's supposed to be working the curb. He sees me inside because I unzip it, and I start looking through it, and he's like, What's in there, man?

He's like, Are we.

Going to split this?

Yeah, we're chopping this up. I'm like, It's a motherfucker. I pull out the driver's license, and I'm like, All right. Because there's two versions of this. You can be like, I got to get to my flight. I'll take this home, and I'll just mail it or something when I get home. But I'm like, Well, there's a chance she's at the airport, and there's a real high chance she's not at her flight because she left her ID.

There's a huge chance.

I'm like, Okay, what do I do? I just... I'm just trying to like, Okay, so I record a video saying what happened, and then I take a photo of her photo on her ID, and I post them. I'm like, All right, I got to get to my gate. I start going through security, and then I finally get to the lounge right next to my gate. She sends me all these people are like, I'm her. Give me the... Everybody saying that they're her and jokes. Then finally, I see that she messages me and people start tagging her like, This is her. Then she's like, I'm waiting at security. Can you bring it out to security? I'm like, All right. I'm like, Okay. She's like, Where are you? I go, Well, I'm at this gate that has a lounge. She's like, My friend's coming. I was like, Okay. I run into her friend. They call me. First, the whole thing is like, they are announcing my name. Tom Segerard, can you come here, Tom Segerard? I walk out and the whole fucking airport lounge staff is out.

All of them.

15 of them are like, We're calling you? I go, Yeah. Then they see what's happening. They're like, Oh, this is for this? I go, Yeah, I found a purse. They're like, That's nice. You're a nice person. I go, Yeah, of course. I'm not.

Look, I'm wearing a cashmere coat.

What do you think?

You look so attractive in that picture. You did. You've not been an attractive guy your whole life. You were when you were young, and then you had a window of messy Tom, which I fucking missed so much. The Tom that carried Hot sauce in his car, I missed that Tom so much.

You always say that.

That was Christina's hot sauce. No, we've changed. We're unrelated now. It's fine. I like this one. You like this one? Yeah. Dude, I'm unrelated to it now. I do tobacco.

It's.

Awesome. It feels great. I run into Andrew. It feels great. My heart's racing. It feels great. It's the best, dude. It feels fucking great.

Stimulants are where.

It's at. I don't know why smoking commercials had to put a guy on a horse to walk around. They should just have a guy hit a cigarette and go, I feel.

So much better. I feel so much better. Yeah, this thing gets you through the day. It's awesome. I run to Andrew at the lab. He's like, What do you? I go- Your agent? Yeah. He goes, Oh, my God. I give the lady the purse. She's like, I'm going to get it to my friend. Thank you so much. Now I actually have another 20 minutes to hang. I go, Sure, just give it to her. No problem. She's super thankful. She leaves. Now when I'm actually leaving the lounge to go to my gate, the woman comes up the escalator. I got to meet her and she was so thankful. It was really cool. It was just a fun thing.

It reminds me of my favorite story you've ever told of when you found the dude's wallet. Yeah. That's my favorite story you've ever told me. I know you told on stage, but when you told me, I was in the car laughing so fucking hard.

I definitely hadn't told it on stage.

It was so fucking funny. But people don't get to see the part of you I get to see there's a softer side, like a really soft side of you. It shows up when you do a podcast with Zickler in a weird way.

Yeah, we had a really.

Sincere one recently. I saw it. It's great. But that... Do you remember the story of when I found that ring at SeaWorld? Yes. I got to be honest with you. Do you ever do something nice to feel like you don't get enough credit and you wish you had done the wrong thing? That's how I feel about cheating on my wife, by the way. She never comes home and goes, Let me smell your dick. Then I pull it out and she goes, It's clean. We can fuck. But I deserve... I'm being for real.

Yeah, you deserve more credit. This is.

Conversations me and her have had. I deserve... I think I'm getting the credit now. I think now that we're both getting older, I think she's looking back going like, Well, I couldn't have fucking cheated on her for the longest time. But the last two years, I could have fucking been slaying pussy.

But I feel like- Now she's like, Thanks for not.

Doing that. Now she's like, I can't believe I got this good of a guy. But what's crazy is I found a ring at SeaWorld. I held on to it for 12 years. For 12 years. In Leanne at one time, we were hurting for money a lot. This is a sapphire ring, I think sapphire. What's a green one? Emerald? Yeah. It was an expensive ring with diamonds on each side with engravement in it. Because I do believe that it's not mine, it's that person's. I don't believe in finding something and keeping it. I believe in returning it. There's such a value in whatever tenants God sent down to the universe. He said, Hey, man, this isn't your shit. Return it. When you do the right thing, it feels so fucking good. I held on to that ring for like 12 years, maybe eight years, you know how I tell a story. It had an engravement on it. Then the lady hit me up. That's my mom's ring. I didn't get any credit for it. I didn't even get the reward of returning it, because when I gave it to her, you know I shot this in a video.

It's out on the line, you can find it. When I gave it to her, David Wells' son, the pitcher through the no hitter for the anchor, because David Wells' son was with me randomly. When I returned it to her, I said, This is your mother's ring. She goes, Thanks. I go, Is your mother's to whether? She goes, No, she's dead. I went, Oh, she goes, That's okay. She was a cunt. I went, Okay. She said, Yeah. I said, What are you going to do with the ring? She goes, I'm going to sell it. I was like, Oh, fuck. I should have just sold it years ago.

The reaction I got today, even though it was obviously the amount of time wasn't that much time, but I took it. I made the effort to give it to her, and I got it to her, and she was able to make her trip and everything still. But the reaction was the reaction you want. She was elated.

Find something of mine. I'll give you the reaction you're.

Looking for. But I give.

People the thing they want.

The piece of shit whose wallet I found was... I've said this before. I said it when I told the story, when I told it on stage. I think I talked about it in my book. But to me, it's so amazing that there's a detail in that that I go, How is everyone not amazed by this? Which is that I find the wallet in a cab in Adams Morgan in Washington, D. C, right? I make an effort. I go through, and it was a very unimpressive content in the wall, but I feel like this is someone's wall. Yeah. So a few bucks and this college ID. I ended up talking to that kid's dad and the dad was like, He's a fucking loser. He's a loser. What the fuck? Fuck him. Throw it away. Yeah, I was like, What? And I just let it go. But I stare at that ID. I stare at that ID for a long time. I would still remember I was on M Street in Georgetown, and I was meeting my cousin, Jeanette, for lunch. I can remember like it was yesterday.

It's so funny, I tell the story different. But we're on.

M Street.

There's your cousin who doesn't speak very much English.

From Peru. Oh, no, this is a fluent English speaker. Why do I do that? When we sat down and I look up at the waiter and I go, Justin? He's like, How do you know my name? I'm like, Dude, I found your wallet. He was like, You have it?

I'm like, No. That's my favorite part of the story, as if you walk around with two wallets. With two.

Wallets, yeah. I was like, No, I don't have it on me. Then he was like, All right, well, you want to hear about today's specials? I'm like, You don't think this is the fucking most miraculous moment of your life right now? I found your wallet a while ago, and I have it, your face embedded in my head, someone I've never met, just from staring at your stupid little picture. He was just like, All right, well, I want to get it later.

What can I get you to drink?

Yeah. Can I get a Pepsi?

Can I get a Coke? Can I tell you? Here's the thing. I'll give you what the universe asked me to give you. In those moments, I'm going to-.

I can just tell you. You just so love that- I'm in love.

With it. I know, I know you are. I'm in love with it, and I'm back. As a matter of fact, I want to find out. I don't even want to try.

This shit. Those actually, you won't like those compared to these.

Really? Yeah. This one tastes amazing. I'm going to say this, okay? I'm going to say this. Now, you can edit this out if you want, but I'm going to say this. I was just talking to Ryan about this. I was just talking to Ryan about this. I don't know. Hopefully this will come out before the voting is over. I got nominated for the top comedy tour of the year. Congratulations. Thank you. Pull it up on Poll Star. There's like five of us. It's me, Kevin Hart, Chris Rock, Adam Sandler. You're fucking never going to find it. But here's what I'll say. There you go. There you go. Me, Adam Sandler, Dave Chappell, Kevin Hart, Matt Rife, and Nate Bargatsy. Now, Polestar, I want you to hear this, okay? Okay. Those guys will not appreciate this award.

Oh, we're doing this.

Okay. Yeah, I will. You can give the award to Adam Sandler. Do you think that's getting on the mantle? Probably not. Do you think he'll ever walk into his office and go, Fuck, man, I forgot about the I missed you tour. That was a fucking fun run. Do you think Dave Chappell, the greatest living comic of our generation, arguably other than Kevin Hart or soon to be Matt Rife? Or right now, Nate Bargatsy is the biggest selling comedy in the world. He's selling crazy numbers. Killing it. Yeah. Do you think they're going to care? Do you think when they get that award, they're going to cry? Do you think they're going to cry and they're going to make a video and post a video talking about how Polestar is the greatest publication in the world. When it comes to touring, they really do dial in what us touring comics and touring musicians care about and what the buyers care about and what the ad people care about. We do. Polestar is an amazing publication. I would be shocked if Matt Rife knows. I love Matt Rife. I'd be shocked if he knows what Polestar is.

I'd be shocked if he knew he was nominated. To be dead honest with you, guys, you are the first piece of pussy he's having in an orgie. Matt Rife's got everything going on. Bert Krager does not. So if you give me that award, this is my ploy to pull star. If you give me that award, you'll get what the universe wants you to get. Wow. That's how I look.

At things. That was quite a plea for winning that award. That's a good pitch. Yeah.

Kevin Hart, do you.

Think- Kevin's definitely not even going to register that he won it.

Yeah. You know what he'll go? This. Oh, cool. It's like when a fan gives you cookies and you're like, Oh, cool. Hey, does anyone want those? And not to say I don't want cookies. But you.

Really want this award?

No, you were talking about this, and I saw that. When I got the list, I was so honored. I was so honored. Then I was going to post about it, and then Victoria was like, Well, no one else is posted about it. I was like, Yeah, they don't give a fuck. I was like, Oh, wait, I give a fuck. Golden Globes are coming up.

I'm sure we're both getting nominated for our specials. Sledgehammer- They're submitted. Submitted, submitted, submitted. Golden Globes are coming up. This is the first year comics have ever been invited to the.

Golden Globes.

Sledgehammer is by far probably, if not the second biggest special on the platform, the third. It goes Chris Rock, John Mellaney, and you and John Mellaney are neck and neck, I'm sure. You too, man. My special was big, but I mean, it's not Mellaney and it's not you. I don't think so. No, but it was big. But I will say this. I will say this. God damn it, I love these fucking things, Tommy. I feel the energy, the juice that God wanted you to have when you were born. I feel it. It's in my mouth, and it's courting through my fucking brain, and I'm flowing quicker. Here's the deal. Not to say John Mellany doesn't care about a Golden Globe, but Tom Segerard does.

No, I do. I think it would be amazing.

It would be fucking amazing. You get a nice suit.

It would be amazing to be nominated.

Let's hear accepting speech.

My.

Accepting speech? Off the dome. Off the dome. Ladies and gentlemen, the nominees this year for Best Comedy Special, the first year ever in the history, he or she will go down as the best special. First nominations are Chris Rock. Why did you have to slap me? I forgot the name of the special. Matt Rife. This is too much pussy. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what... I forgot what this special is called. I don't know either. John Mellaney. I'm out of rehab. Silverman. It's me again. I don't know the name of everyone, but Louis CK. I don't need the industry. Shot at Madison Square Garden. Yeah. And Tom Segura, Sledgehammer. Ladies and gentlemen, the winner is... Oh, by the way, I'm pitching myself as a presenter, too. It would be great if I presented this award because I'd go, Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Seguura with Sledgehammer.

Thank you so much. Thank you. Well, to the academy, first.

Of all- Nope, we're just Golds.

The Globers. The Globers? I don't know.

The.

Hollywood and Foreign Press. Oh, yeah, baby. That's who it is, the Hollywood and Foreign Press.

I can speak Spanish too, so half of them.

Understand you. Oh, yeah.. Mostly, I want to thank my co-host, Bert Christ, for sure. The greatest guy who I cannot believe wasn't nominated. I don't know if you know this, but he won the Polestar Comedy Tour of the Year and easily deserved this as well. This is as much his as it is mine. I have kids and I have a wife. I have kids and I have a wife.

But I- I have.

Kids and I have a wife. -burt's the best. Thanks for giving me that award, Bert. I'll say this, this is the first time I've actually given this shit about the Golden Globes, and you guys finally got one right.

All right, do me now and watch it. Golden Globes, foreign press. I want you to watch The Thunder I'll bring to this year's Golden Globes. All right.

And the nominees for the best comedy special of the year are Dave Chippell, and Kevin Hart, and John Mellaney, and Sarah Silverman, Matt Rife, and Bert Kraecher. I don't know.

I don't know what the name was in my special. Okay.

And the winner is... Oh, my God. This is so cool, man. My friend, Bert Krayscher, Razzle-Dazzle.

I want to take this minute. I just want to take one minute. Don't play the music. Don't play the music. I want to thank my best friend, Tom Seguira. I was at the lowest I've ever been five years ago, I was stepping on the treadmill. I was overweight. Tom was fat-shaming me. We were redoing our house. Leanne wanted me to get a vasectomy. I said, This is where I am in the business. He said, buddy, we can get you to where you need to be together. Together. We'll focus on your podcast, focus on your stand-up. We did, Logan. Shout out to Joe Logan. I could really sell it. If you put me up there, I'll really sell it, and I'll fucking cry. I will cry. Real tears.

I think the Joe thing is a nice touch, too, because it sticks it to them about like, You're not really- I.

Never got vaccinated.

I'm on Ivermectin.

Right now. I got a fucking Zin in, baby. Yeah. Oh, fuck. That's a great time to get a.

Fucking add-in. That'd be cool.

Yeah. Dude, you know what? This is what you get when you sponsor our podcast.

It'd be really cool if you win a Golden Globe and you're just like, Manscape, thanks so much for sending me that ball tomorrow.

Winner is coming and your boys need a trim.

I.

Think that would be a fucking gangster move.

It would be amazing.

To sponsor a comedian just like Golden Palace used to do. In that moment, just own it.

They tattooed your fucking forehead, that guy. I think you got like 10.

Grand or some shit. There was a chick on our crews that had… Tell me if this is the most Florida thing ever. By the way, she will be going on my cruise next year for free. Really? There's two dudes. There's one dude with a micro penis and this thing is awesome. This chick with two tattoos, one cheek had the state of Florida. The other cheek said, Harder. I searched out her ass, the whole crew. Someone showed me a picture of it, and I was like, I got to find her. I got to find her. When I found her, I was with LeAnne. I was like, Get over here. We're getting a picture with her right fucking now. Wow. Fucking, and she was beautiful. Really? A shocking, and I mean this with respect, a shocking amount of hot chicks on this cruise. Really? A shocking amount of hot. A predictable amount of overweight men with beards, a predictable amount of men in speedos, a unpredictable amount of alcoholics. I mean, we fucking... Dude, this cruise, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this out loud, but we broke records in alcohol.

Really?

On the first night, the cruise ran out of vodka. They had to stop the next day and have a boat, ferry out vodka.

I know some of that vodka they could get.

No, that won't happen next year. No. The cruise was absolutely... I've been very lucky to do some really cool things in my life. It was the greatest event I've ever been gifted the responsibility of throwing, meaning the fans trust me.

-it was.

Like your party. It was, I mean, five days, four nights of absolute debauchery from all ends of the spectrum, from all ends. People like Katherine Blanford showed up ready to fucking party. Mark Norman, Sean Patty, I mean, dude, the Are you garbage guys? Everyone played their part. Everyone did the thing you'd want them to do every day. They were at this game called Let It Ride. They did not know how to play. They did not know how to play. Every time you walked by the table, it was Kevin telling Fully how to play once again. They sat at that table, fans played with them. We had a night where it was like me, Mark Norman, it was all of us sitting at a table gambling, I'm shirtless, smoking cigarettes. We broke every fucking rule. The crews let it happen. We had, there's an epic speech that you ever hear the KFC guys tell the story about? I got the smallest penis.

The KFC guy? Oh, no.

It's the fucking greatest reclaiming of manhood I've ever heard in my life.

Who says?

So, Feital Berkshire is at a hockey tournament. Yeah. It's a bunch of dudes are all fucking pounding beers. They're in the bathroom and one guy slams the door. By the way, I know I'm probably bastardizing the story. This is a given. Slams the door and in a room full of 20 dudes goes, Gentlemen, I have the smallest dick in the room. Then he drops his pants and he pulls out a micro penis and he starts flicking it with his finger and the place starts going wild. Then it gets quiet and another guy goes, No, I have the smallest dick in the room. He drops his pants and it's even smaller than the first guy. Well, we did a speed. I love that story so much because it's guys with small dicks own having a small dick. We get on the cruise and we do a speedo contest. Ms. Pat, Katherine Blanford, Felipe Esparza is the funniest human being that's ever lived. Big, Jay Okerson is by far the funniest man in the world. They're all on stage. They're doing a speedo contest. One guy shows his dick, and I say, I'll give $5,000 to the smallest dick on the boat.

All I'll say is I had to break off $2,500 to two people. Really? It was. We got a picture of it, which we'll never see the light of day. Never see the light of day. It's going down to the grave with me. Impressive.

Impressively small. How small? Describe it.

Do you ever see the baby turtles when they get hatched and their heads go in? Yeah. Really tiny heads. One guy was a lot of pubus, like a lot of pubes. That's what made his dick so small. Like the padded? The padded. But this guy, like that little tiny head, that little tiny head. He showed it to Ms. Pat and Katherine Blenford.

What did they say?

Give that man his money. It was so fucking epic. That was the first day. That was the first day. Then the whole cruise was like, every night we ended up in my... I had a really big room. All the comics ended up in my room. We had a big deck in my room, smoking cigarettes, talking shit, talking trash. It was in every comic that went did their... Played their part, meaning like they hung out with the fans. They did amazing shows. I mean, people were lined up. Jim Norton had a line for his show, a line for his show. Every day, his show would start at seven. People would line up at five o'clock to get seats for a show. Every show sold out, everyone that would get on stage, Ms. Pat, and Big Jay fucking game changers. We brought Giannis Pappas.

He fucking killed.

He's hilarious. -killed. That's great. Dude, Pete Lee is- Super funny. -surprisingly garbage garbage.

What?

Pete Lee was selling drugs at 11:00. What? Pete Lee is the most fascinating guy. Oh, he did are you garbage? He did are you garbage. In his story, the fucking room was like, What the fuck? It was so much fun that without a doubt, the first day I sat down with the people and they're like, We can't tell you numbers yet, but we're tracking this. This is going to be our biggest cruise we've ever done. We want to do a bigger boat next year. We want to get... All I could think is, I want to bring the exact same comics. They all have new hours. But they all, it was like such a family. We'd all have such a family. We got a band called The Sundeckers. I'm sorry that I'm fucking up your name. I'm sorry. But we got a band that played Yacht Rock. They played all the hits from the days. Did you do shows every night, too? Every night I did a show. Every day I did a podcast. Leanne did her podcast live for the first time ever. Are You Garbage? Did a podcast. Mark Norman did one. Everyone put on podcasts and shows during the day at night, or we're all shows up until 11 o'clock.

We had karaoke. The karaoke was, I would say, by far the biggest hit because Sean Paton blew out his calf doing karaoke. His calf? He blew out his calf. It was chaos because you've got 500 people, maybe 600 people in an atrium with one stage. Every comic got on stage and fucking sang bangers. Really? And the fans came up. The fans sang. And if the fans came up, they could really sing. The fans would come on. There would be some dude with long hair and a scragly shirt, and he'd get up. And the second he grabbed the mic, you're like, Holy shit, is that Bob Seger?

I just saw a clip of a guy. It's not the original guy who did it, but it was just like a 20-second clip on YouTube of this dude singing Soulglow from coming to America. No. You know the Soulglow? Yeah, I remember.

This dude does it. They look like they're in a record store or something. His voice is so amazed, but it's so unassuming. I don't know if you can pull that up, but if you go on YouTube, this dude, it's just... I saw that. Oh, this guy. Oh, I saw this. You're not also silky-scoot, just letting.

Time through. Just let your- Oh, I saw this. -sing-goat, baby.

You're not also silky-scoot, just letting time through. Yeah, just.

Let your- I mean, I was like, you.

Imagine if that dude walked on stage, you'd be like, What the fuck is going on? I've got.

To be honest with you, people who know how to sing when they do karaoke, maybe all of a sudden people would be like, in tea.

Yeah, because you realize that it's a gift from the heavens. That's a voice that's put into you.

They know their lyrics. They know their lyrics.

It's a gift. That guy, he went full, a full range. He changed completely, did them in different... I don't even remember the- Octaves? Yeah. That dude is like.

It's a gift. Leanne, every night was the first in line for fucking karaoke. Really? By the way, and I mean this, this cruise meant more to LeAnne than anyone that did it. She was up with cocktails in the morning, a bottle of champagne. The second we got on the boat, I was.

Just ready to.

Have a drink. Because I was me. I sweat shit heavy. I hadn't drank for 83 days, and I knew I was drinking on the cruise, but I was having a hard time getting into it because, honestly, I feel so good not drinking that when I drink the next day I was terrified of the next day. Leanne is like, Yo, go out in Miami, get yourself a really great bottle of champagne, and really treat yourself. What's crazy is that like, I don't know much about champagne, but I do know Norie, by the way, write down Kodak Black. We got to talk about Kodak Black. Oh, boy. Fucking that is the craziest interview I've ever seen. Norie, I think I texted with Norie about restaurants, and I see him, he's always drinking Acer Spades. So it's like Acer Spades, bottle of Acer Spades. It's the first drink I'll have. Yeah. We go up on the thing, open the bottle, and LeAnne was baller. She knew I was weird about sugar, too, because sugar was the thing that fucked me up. She got me... She'd just come up with a pina colada. Hey, have a great cruise. The whole time, LeAnne had a blast.

Every night, her and Big Jay would meet up at sunset to watch the top show. I forget the name of the fucking band. They'd sit up. We're all sitting this sequestered area, all the comics. We'd smoke cigarettes or cigarettes, whatever you're allowed to smoke. We'd let the sun set and we'd watch this band play all these '80s and '70s hits. Leanne had the greatest time of her life. And then we faded it into a vacation. We went on our first vacation, just me and her for like in 25 years.

How was that?

It was the Docsiders. I was right, the Docsiders. They were fucking amazing. If you have a chance to hire the Docsiders, they will play every song you know by heart, and you didn't know you hadn't heard in forever. Those people were fucking amazing. We had Andy Frasco in the UN. We had... Cyfa Sounds is a gangster.

Yeah.

The fourth night, they find out the weather's bad. They can't bring us all into shore. They're like, We're just going to stay at sea, which by the way, I'd do again. I wouldn't do a fucking excursion. We stayed at sea, just went super slow, calm waters. Cyfa Sound got up at fucking 8:00 in the morning because he knew people were up, went out, set up his DJ thing, him and Carter Cruz, and destroyed and threw a party. Him, Felipe, Big Jay, they threw a party for everyone that was up and was going to go out. They started drinking. Mark Norman drank fucking sunup to sundown, the group of comics. I feel bad that I'm not naming everyone, Jim Norton. Dude, I was really cool. It was like, I got to have a minute with everyone. I got to talk tohim. It's really hard to sit and get Jim, unless you're at the cellar. But for me, it's hard to get him just private. I got a whole evening of just talking to him, chopping up comedy, talking shit. It was the single greatest thing. Then we go on vacation, and LeAnne planned our whole vacation.

We got a boat to take us out. We went and kissed stingrays and went and drank beers. The second we get there, LeAnne's like, Guys, I've got a cold beer. Leanne goes, Two of them. I'm like, Who is this fucking shit? The only thing she fucked up is, I got the best eavesdrop I've ever had in my life. She was talking over it, and I had to tell her to shut her mouth.

Okay.

Tell me- On vacation? -on vacation.

What was the eavesdrop?

We're in a cabana next to another cabana. Sir, I apologize. If you're going to hear the story and you're going to know it too. He had just gotten into his third marriage or fourth marriage. He's from Canada. This is what I hear as I get my drink, right? I light a cigar, and I hear, I almost killed my first wife on her honeymoon. She got frostbite. We had to take her to the hospital. I go, Frostbite? Honeymoon? What the fuck? Leanne goes, What should we get to eat? I go, Shut the fuck up. She's like, What? I go, I'm listening to something right now. This guy proceeds to say how his wife for their honeymoon, they went horseback riding in Bamf in the winter, and his newlywed wife gets frostbite, pneumonia, and then food poisoning, and she almost died. He goes, I should have let her go. Give us a message from God. I introduced myself to him. I was like, Please come over to our command and tell us more stories. Did he? Yeah, he was awesome. We had drinks with him and his whole group, and he knew who I was. His other friends didn't know who I was.

Then it was great, dude. Everything about that, it was if you had quit drinking for 83 days and you needed to fall in love with alcohol again, like, really dance with her, that.

Was the way to do it.

That was the way to do it. I said to Peter, and this is a bad analogy, but alcohol is like a high school girlfriend. I lost my virginity to her. We fuck. We know how to fuck. We fight, too. It gets dirty. We don't fight fair because we're in high school. We still, as long as we've dated, we never fought fair.

Then.

Sobriety or weed for me was like a new girlfriend. Sure. She was cool. She was different.

Different, chill. Very different. Not as argumentative, but also ultimately not really the person who tugs your heartstrings.

Well, she was cool. I met her when I was- She.

Introduced you to some bands.

Yeah, introduced me to some bands like, Hey.

Let's play for- Art.

She likes art. If me and alcohol saw the relationship, me and weed have alcohol, I'd be like, Who the fuck is this, bitch? What the fuck do you guys do for fun? But then I went back to my high school girlfriend, and I came back. She's like, You're seeing anyone? I was like, I put weed in my pocket. I was like, No, it's just me and you. I don't know if you're not seeing anybody. Then we fucked. The first night we fucked hard, and we fucked 10 nights in a row. We fucked 10 nights in a row. We would definitely fight in the mornings. She would fight and be like, Did you have a stroke last night? I'd be like, Huh? What? Are we really going to the gym? Let's just fucking sleep. Oh, you know what? Let's just fuck again. Then I'd be like, Okay, well, fuck. It seems early to be fucking… She'd be like, Let's put in my ass. I'm like, Okay, we'll put in your ass. Then the last day, when we're flying back from our vacation, I realized how unhealthy our relationship can be at times, especially when we fuck that much.

We don't really talk about our emotions, and we just fuck. We just play with our asshole. On the plane, she was like, Are we still dating or what? You're acting weird with me. I was like, I do this other thing now. She was like, Bro, it's a sleeper bed. It's a sleeper bed. The flight attendant knows who you are. We're good. We're good. Yeah. I got home, and the first night I was home, Reed came up to me. He was like, Hey, did you have a good time? I was like, Yeah. We'd like, You're acting different. I was like, No, it's nothing. We'd like, Should we fool around? Did you hook up with someone? I was like, No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Then I hid it and we was accusatory as fuck. We're like, Yeah, your head's not right. What's going on with you? I was like, I'm back. I saw my ex-girlfriend and we was like, You know what we'd said? What? That's cool. It's cool. It's cool, man. Hey, listen, I get it. I date other people, too. But right now, it's me and you. I started dating Reed again for a straight week.

No, didn't even call my high school girlfriend. Didn't even text her. Nothing. She hit me up a couple of times. I was like, Hey, should we fuck tonight? I'd be like, I'm doing other stuff. Then we had a big event for Ila's school, and my ex-girlfriend was like, Yo, you're definitely taking me, right? I was like, Yeah, I'm taking you. She's like, I got a dress for this. I was like, I know, we're good. It. I took her and we had a fucking blast. We had a fucking blast.

It sounds like you're built to date two people.

I think I'm in a thruffle. Yeah, I think so too. I'm in a thruffle. Then the next morning, do you know what we did? What? We was like, Do you have a good time with your ex-girlfriend? I'm like, Wait, you knew we were dating? I was like, Yeah, I know you. You're cool, man. I fucked my new girlfriend last night. Cool. She's in my pocket right now. Yeah, she wants to fuck tonight. I think we will. Oh, wow. Yeah. I've been rawdogging her.

I've been eating my edibles at night. Dude. It's the.

Greatest thing. Now that we've gotten everyone into nicotine, let's get them onto weed.

Yeah, I mean, edible for me, like a nice indica in the evening, about hour and change before I want to go to sleep, it's the move, dude. Also, I came off of a show, got back, had dinner, then had it and got in bed. I was talking about my act and thinking about it. I mean, shit just starts. I had to get up and pace because I was just talking to myself so much and I was.

Pacing around the room. When you realize the weeds is taking over? Oh, yeah. You're like, Wait, I'm talking to myself in the.

Fucking pantry. Yeah. I was in deep conversation with myself.

I got high and sat in my backyard and I had a cigar, and looking at my backyard, and I started getting emotional about how lucky I am that I have this yard and I have these trees and these trees are safe with me. I'm not cutting them down. Then all of a sudden, I'm like, Wait, I'm like, Dude, the best was last night. Last night, I got on an Instagram thread. I don't know what it was, but it was three of the hardest laughs I've ever had. It started with a woman doing a slingshot of a watermelon. Have you seen this? No. And she goes, Take that castle and let's go with the watermelon. And it goes back and then hits her in the face. I could not stop laughing. Leanne goes, Are you high? I was like, I am. She's like, It's not that funny. It's sad. I was like, Babe, you've got to see it. I'll text it to you. Can you play it on the thing? She gets, takes it to… This is it. This is it.

Just focus. I'm not kidding up.

I'm just.

Getting frustrated. Oh, no. You're so close. You got this sister.

You were super, super close. Right in the kisser. Show that knife who's boss.

That's good. That's the boss.

Oh, God. Bro.

It's a good edit, too. That's a good edit.

My algorithm- Wait, don't play the rest.

I think she's dead. Keep going. My algorithm on Instagram is the darkest thing that humanity has to offer. I am now getting just homicides, straight up homicides, double and triple, just straight up murders. I'm like, This is Instagram?

It's.

Fucking insane what comes up. Because I'm in so many text threads with people who we one up each other. I found this one that now Instagram is like, You want them, boys? You want to see some shit? And so every time I open it, it's just like someone getting stabbed, fucking jumping off a bill on.

Fire, people on fire. It is so funny when you're high. Dude, I.

Saw- I did last night. I did last night where I was seeing that shit. I had a moment and I go, I shouldn't just consume nothing but this for the hour before I go to bed. I put my phone down because I was like, This is so bad. It's so dark.

Wait, hold on. I have too many thoughts going on right now. I had to change my algorithm because my algorithm is all comedy shit and podcast stuff. How did you change? You just- I would just start saying- -searching for other things. -no, I'd say do not suggest this. I got you. Because I was like, All I'm doing is watching other comics do great. Ultimately, it ends up fucking with your head. I came all fully loaded where we did The Gorge and sold it out. The next thing I see is like, someone's selling out a theater, and I go, Fuck, I'm not doing shit with my life. Then I was like, Well, it's not healthy. It's watches, boat launches. Then I got into, so everyone knows I'm obsessed. I'm obsessed. I know it doesn't maybe seem that way from the way I talk. We were like Huberman, Cam Hanes. Dude hung out with Cam Haynes in fucking Portland. That guy is a savage. Yeah, him... He's got a new shoe that's fucking awesome.

Him and his sons.

By the way, his two sons, one's a low key gangster, the other one's a, I'll do 5,000 pullups in an hour gangster.

Yeah, the pullups thing. Then they also casually run marathons on their lunch breaks. In the middle of.

The day. For lunch, they're eating elk they carried out on their back. Cam Haynes sat with me for about an hour and a half and just talked. I was immeshed. I could fucking talk to that guy for hours. Here's why I like him. He's not glitz and glam. He does the thing he says he's going to do. A lot of times, he doesn't tell you about half the shit he does. For sure. David Goggins, Jesse Itzler, all these guys, I'm really attracted to that energy. I started following all these guys. That got into my algorithm. But then this is the coolest thing I think I've realized. My new girlfriend showed me this. My new girlfriend really showed me humility. In a way, I haven't seen it. I'm into these like... Then all of a sudden you start seeing some dudes, not all the dudes, but some dudes were just Jack dudes giving you life advice. Some are just far-based life advice. You're like, Yeah, I don't have time to... I wake up at 3:00 in the morning. That's when I get my first workout in. Then that's when the Gino puts six. I get my second workout.

Then I've learned that if I can cheat code and I'm just sitting there going like, Then I'm not doing that. I was in bed with LeAnne after the big event we went to, and I took hit a weed, and I saw a dude. I don't have his info on me. I'm not trying the right way to say this because I need to show you the shittiness before I realize the brilliance of it. He was very regular. He was like, Hey, I forget his name, but Thrasher, something Thrasher. He's like, I'm going to show you how I get ready for my day. He was like, First off, I take a pound of frozen ground beef, put it on the counter. Put rice in the rice cooker, boom, foldgers. I dump it into... When he said, Foldgers, my brain went, Foldgers. What the fuck life advice am I getting? I'm not going to get, Foldgers. What the fuck? He's like, Meal prep. That's how I start my day. I say that to this guy, I hope he understands his apology. At first I go, Is he teaching me how to be mediocre? I know how to make rice and ground beef.

Then my new girlfriend said, and this is the beauty of marijuana. That guy is every guy you know, every guy you grew up with, every guy busting his ass who watches, no offense, but Andrew Huberman and David Goggins and goes, Yeah, I've been in the sun all day moving lumber. I don't have time to get into a polar plunge and a sauna and take my DAD, HD, whatever, all the medications. I don't have access to that nor do I have the funds. But I do want to better myself. This is accessible. This is how I can get a jump on my day. Then I started reading all those things, and all those things are like, I'm paraphrasing, but it's okay to work on yourself and to go to therapy. Then I was like, Oh, that's every one of LeAnne's cousins. That's every dude I grew up with. Every dude working a real blue-collar job would love a little bit of a hack on how to make their life a little more manageable so they can be there for the kids in the morning or be there at night when they get home, their day is overwhelmed.

I went, Itry. Now, my algorithm is filled with blue-collar life coaches, like just dudes, Jack, who have motorcycles that are tatted up. They're like, Yo, In't want to tell on Jesus a couple of years ago, and I'm better now. They just show you these life hacks for them. I'm like, More of that, please. I wish I could say this guy's name is something thrasher because I would love to give him the credit. But he changed. I smoked weed and watched him, and I went, Oh, yeah, that's accessible. I'm not going to get my blood work done by, which we can afford to do ways to wellness. I'm not getting ways to well. I'm not getting my blood work done and get on testosterone that's expensive as fucking shit. I'm just looking for ways to make my life more manageable. God blessed my fucking girlfriend, weed, for just going like, just showing me. That's the beauty of getting high is your brain just thinks sideways about things. Then you go, Yeah, more of that. Also, keep it the Hubermans, keep it all those guys. The more advice you can get, the better. But come from all ends.

I like that shit.

Yeah, that's very cool.

Yeah, that's cool. I love weed. I love weed almost.

It definitely is like, it's the better of the two.

I hope her and her roommate will let me fuck. Her roommate is cool.

As fuck. Before I forget, I want to shout out a little while ago, Eric Wend sent us some watches. What? Yeah, sent us some watches. A couple of picoes. Yeah. I just wanted to say thank you because we haven't seen each other in a while. Also, I wanted to quickly tell, you don't even know, we've been working really hard on a special that we're releasing.

Hold.

On. Yeah.

Okay. Finish this because I want to say very seldomly has my mom called me and said, Have you seen what Tom did? Very seldom. My dad would do it all the time. Dude, Tommy is fucking great. This is fucking Tommy guy. I got to hang out with you and Tommy one time.

I'd love to hang out with the big Albert. Wait, I didn't.

Finish the thing. Say it because.

I'm about to- December 15th, we are dropping 69 Minutes, which is a special that we've been putting together for months. So many people have participated in it. We have the Are You Garbage Guys in it? Joe List is in it, Ryan Sickler is in it, Bryan Simpsons is.

In it. By the way, what did Joe List say about me? Because he texted me. I haven't seen the episode. He destroyed me. I know. He texted me I was like, I'm sorry I had to do that.

No, he was fine.

I was like.

Joe, I thought we were cool. No, he just, you know. He can say whatever he wants. Yeah. He's like, Everybody asks about this. He was hesitant to.

Talk about it. I tell anyone-.

He.

Was sweet about it. -i don't mind. I think we've always had this agreement. By the way, we got to hang on. We have so much cover in this episode. Wait, hold on. Hold on one second. I got to say, Okay, we got it. Keep going, keep going.

69 Minutes comes out December 15th at ymxstudios. Com. It's a huge, huge group effort from everybody that works here, the entire staff. Like I said, all these comics. I got to give a credit to Adam Lowett, who has been writing and producing on this. But anyways, it's a huge endeavor, and we're very excited about it. It's our first time doing this type of streaming special event. That's it.

I hope it fails horribly. Thank you. You focus on taking adventures with your mom.

Oh, yeah. I got a lot of messages like that.

A lot? Yeah. That's the greatest thing you've ever done.

A lot of people told me that.

Yeah, it was fun, right? Can I just give you my hurt, burnt, burnt to conquer list? Sure. Can I take your mom on an adventure? I want to take her swimming with sharks. I want to take her swimming with sharks so bad. It's my favorite thing in the world, and it's so much fun. But your mom is fucking gold.

Yeah, she's great. She's really good in those... And it was so fun because I took her.

If you don't know- I'll take your mom and your sisters. I fucking love your family. I hung out with your sister, and I've never enjoyed one human being more. I can imagine you'd sit at Thanksgiving quiet, just going, Everyone shut the fuck up. Me and your sister could be twins. We could be twins. I think if your sister was in charge of adoption, your family would adopt me and kick you out.

You're probably right.

Your sister is fucking... Your sister-.

She's like you.

She's the greatest. -we couldn't get a word in Edgewise talking to each other. She is the most... I don't want to get into too much of it because it is your family, and I don't want to talk about your family. But she is such an anomaly of a human being that as you talk to her, you're like, Hold on. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You're in the Air Force? What the fuck? Your sister is fucking awesome, but your mom is the funniest thing I've ever seen.

It was great. If there are people listening or watching that haven't seen it, if you go to my YouTube page, the Tom Seguire YouTube page, we put a video together of what she was visiting Austin on her birthday, and I pitched it because I knew I had to at least pitch it right. I go, Do you want to go for a helicopter ride on your birthday?, expecting her 100 % to say no. I go, You want to go? She was like, Yeah.

She goes, That'd be fun. I go, Yeah, I've been taking lessons. It'd just be like a nice ride. I know what this is capable of because I've been going up in it. That's the chopper that the Coast Guard gets, like police. If you.

Don't know anything about a helicopter, you will be shocked the capabilities of a helicopter.

I mean, I wish if we could have covered, you would die if you know what this... It's doing things that other choppers that are set up differently. I mean, it has five fully articulating blades. The manoeuvers it can do, you can't do in every chopper. But yes, the MD-500 and this guy, we've done it together. I was like, Hey, when we get up there, I go, I'll fly, and then we'll do the signal, and then you do all those manoeuvers. He was like, For real? I go, Yeah. We had the GoPros mounted. And man, obviously we had to cut it down, the full raw footage. I mean, she's reaching over and hitting him. She's trying to... She's like, Stop. And I could hear her going, Think about your father. Think about your father and what he would say. I could hear her screaming, and then finally she just gives in. But he went vertical. He nosedived, pulled up at the last second, flew sideways through a ravine. He was doing bonkers shit in that thing. She was losing her fuck. I was laughing so fucking hard, and I couldn't see her. I was just laughing because I could hear her.

I knew what she was going through, and it's just I've never been happy.

It's my mom called and she goes, I want to meet Tom's mom. I was like, I can make that happen. Oh, yeah. I can definitely make that. All right, let's talk about our favorite-.

I'm going to Tampa in March. Really? Yeah. Well, by the time this comes out, my new tour, the first Legs already announced, and it's in it. Yeah, yeah. Just send.

Your mom.

I'll bring my mom.

Oh, yeah. March. The guest bears.

The guest bears were.

Really fun. I'll tell you who I was most excited for was Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn is such a fucking legend. The greatest.

He was amazing. He was amazing.

He's such a fucking legend.

He's such a.

Legend, yeah. He might be He might.

Be- I know you identified with when I told him I was like, if I was going up on a spot and I saw you, I would look at my list and be like, I can't fucking do this in front of him. I would have to second-guess everything.

He's the best. I mean, he just is like our Benjamin Franklin, like the statesman that's had nine different careers. Then all of a sudden, now he's running the country. He has a joke that I told that he doesn't even remember. I love when you tell a comic, Oh, you know what joke? I love yours. You said to them and they go, I don't even remember that. Like Kurt Metzger said to me, Kurt Metzger one time, I just saw him the other day. Kurt Metzger is Kurt Metzger 100 % of the time.

He's also super hilarious.

He's so fun. Kurt Metzger just came up to me. We're at a big Hollywood event, and everyone's talking Hollywood shit. Kurt Metzger just comes up and he goes, Can you believe just out of nowhere. Can you believe we used to think monkeys? Someone fucked a monkey, and that's how we got AIDS. Can you believe we believe that? I'm just like, Huh? Leanne goes, Hi, Kurt. He's like, We used to think. But Kurt Metzger has jokes like that that I told him that night that he does not remember telling. Colin Quinn has a joke he doesn't remember telling about, he goes, Save the Polar Bear ad. Save the Polar Bear? And you guys are all... Are you all cheering for that? Ladies and gentlemen, let me tell you something. If a Polar Bear walked into this room, you'd be throwing chairs at it. I mean, he is the... Colin Quine is the best. Matt Rife. How was Matt Rife? I haven't listened to that one yet. It was great. Matt Rife is.

Fucking money. It was great.

I mean- His special just came out. It's probably number one on Netflix.

Right now. I'm sure. You don'tEverybody probably dreams of having what happen to him. I don't think it's a thing that most people can handle. What I mean is that his whole life completely changed dramatically in a 12-month period. We talked about it when he came on, but one year prior to when he sat down there, he was like, I was clearing like $300 for.

A gig. He was doing my podcast. One year before, I'm being saying this with love, a year and a half before I have met Rife on the podcast. It maybe got 15,000 views on YouTube. The downloads are different. But on YouTube, that's the test of if it's going to… I was like, God, it was a good interview, too. We talked about his dad, and we talked about Ralphie, and we talked. It was a great interview. I was like, I'm in this kid is going to pop him, Trevor Wallace. The dudes, they come on there, they deliver. Then he popped and all of a sudden it's like seven million.

Yeah. The thing is that like I said, everyone thinks in your 20s, you're like, I want to be a superstar. I want all this to happen. But it is a lot. I think the way that he is handling and managing that is actually very impressive. We talked just a lot about how his life has changed and what's happening. He's already making, I think, pretty really sound decisions for someone who's 27 and just got the world handed to them seemingly overnight.

Because what happens is though, industry, sometimes the industry doesn't know anything other than... It's like when they put pizza out at a buffet or sushi and you just grab the first sushi they see. That's what the industry does. Sometimes that means you're just getting a bunch of California rolls. You didn't see what's coming out later. But Matt Rife has... There should be a documentary film crew following him right now because this trajectory is unlike anything we've ever seen in our business. The only person that's close to, probably, and not even close to, but similar to is Chapelle.

With his trajectory and stuff?

Chapelle was at a younger age, probably 17, was given the keys to the kingdom. Chapelle, the story is at 17, he went to Montreal, and he did two different 30-minute sets to showcase. The industry stopped and was like, This is the guy. This is the guy, yeah. He did two different.

30-minute sets. Well, his production company is called Pilot Boy because he did 11 pilots in a couple of years.

He did everything. I think Chappell would admit it. He had some emotional bumps along the way, like losing friends, losing managers, losing agents, like fucking going to Africa. Like, Chappell paid the tax through mental health with it and is on the other side of it, but with so much wisdom.

Yeah.

You look at a guy like Matt and you're like, I don't know. I mean this sincerely. I'm really glad it didn't happen to me. Yeah. I could.

Have- I would have- -I would have fucked it up. -i would not have been.

Prepared for that. I'm so lucky. I told Adam Devine one time, we were at a bar in Spokane, and he had sold out the theater and I had sold out the club. We all came to this bar to party. I've known Adam since he was younger. He said to me, Congratulations on selling out the comedy club this weekend. I said, Thank you, but I hope you know how much that means to me. I said, Your career is on a fucking rocket ship. But I wish I could gift you just antoday in a pill where you could take it and feel it, what it's like to work for 20 years and then get success. You'd never want someone to have to do that because it's 20 years of going, Fuck, what am I doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? Am I doing the right thing? Everyone starts blowing up around you. But to get out on the other side of it, it gives you such amazing perspective, and you feel so full of gratitude so many times that you're just like... You knew me that entire time, so I don't need to say this to you.

But then you go, Fuck. I mean, everyone wants what happened to Matt.

Everyone wants it.

But could you come out on the other side? Guys that that happened to Matt Rife, Ashton Kutcher? Yeah. Ashton Kutcher was in L. A. For like 13 days, and then he got 70 shows. Really? That quick? He said, I'll give myself two weeks. He was like, It's the 13th day. By the way, I'm paraphrasing. I'm sure it's longer. I'm sure it was like six months.

I think also, do you remember that actor, Josh Hartnett, was that his name? God, he was gorgeous. He's still gorgeous. He came to L. A. I think the story was that he booked his first audition. He is- First or second audition.

What's he doing now? He is.

Fucking perfect. He's still acting. Yeah, he just.

Doesn't do- He is fucking perfect.

He is perfect. Okay.

He is so fucking attractive.

Yeah, look, he's in Oppenheimer. Oh, yeah, that Operation Fortune, that was that Netflix one, he was really good in that. He plays the actor, the action actor. He was great in it.

Dude, Josh Hartnett is the.

Fucking man. Josh, if you're wondering, Bert finds you absolutely perfect.

He is perfect. He didn't need hair plugs. Do you see the Lucky Slevin? Lucky Slevin? Type in Lucky Slevin. Is that Josh Hartnett? Please say it. I got the right guy. Lucky number Slevin. There you go. Dude, in that movie, he plays like... That movie is fucking amazing.

It looks like it. Damn, it's got 7,500, five-star reviews.

Josh Hartnett. By the way, Josh, if you're still in L. A, we're always looking for guest bears. But I will try to kiss you.

That is a promise. I think, isn't he Minnesota? Am I wrong?

Is he living in Minnesota? Fuck those guys. How the fuck do they get... I wish I had the balls to fucking... Leanna and I were talking about when I was in college, like, Why are we going to stay in L. A? Yeah. Should we should we Bruce Willisit and get a fucking place in Sun Valley and just fucking live there? We were really honestly talking about Austin. Yeah. Yeah, because two reasons. One, my bus to come back to L. A. Is putting an extra 5,000 miles. That's crazy.

Get a place here. Stop being gay. Get a.

Place here. We've talked about it, but there's so many places. You look at guys like Josh Hartnett who just go like, Yeah. There's a guy, Carter Osterhaus. Do you know who that is? Who? Carter Osterhouse? No. He's a fucking design guy, like a builder. He's fucking him and all his brothers are gorgeous. They're fucking... They live in Michigan on the lake. They all have speedboats. They took us out for a fully loaded... Look at him. He's fucking goddamn gorgeous. Let him walk into it. Do you know LeAnne said she would let me and Thore run a train on her?

That's cool.

She would let us. She goes, I would be in a threesome with you guys. I go, No, that's a train. That's both of us fucking you. She was like, Okay, I'd be into it.

She'd be into it? She'd be into it. Is this her the top one?

She said I could be there, I think, is technically what I could get towels for them.

But is she a big Hemsworth fan? That's her guy.

That's her guy. Yeah. If he tries to kiss her in front of me, I got to let it happen. By the way, Chris Hemsworth, you're a big fan.

Do you have one for her? Do you tell her who you get to kiss in.

Front of her? No, I don't really have one.

Yeah, I was asked that too, and I was like, I don't know. Christina was like, Who's the actress that you're like? I'm like.

I don't know. I have Jessica Chastain is pretty perfect. Yeah. Our fucking pilot that flew me in today was fucking hot as shit.

The pilot?

Was it United Airlines, the hottest. You're a great pilot also.

Yeah, I have big respect on your flying skills.

But she was. She looks like Jessica Chastain. Really? She came out and I got off. I didn't drink on the flight, but there was really bad turbulence coming in. She was like, Yeah, the turbulence is pretty rough. She goes, Yeah, we don't really feel it upfront. I was like, You were working upfront? I thought I knew all the flight attendants upfront. Then someone was like, Great flight captain or whatever. I was like, Oh, you're the pilot? Then I thought I was bad. Then older fucking Austin Money dude went over and handed him his baggage claim to me. He goes, Are the bags coming up here. She goes, I don't know. I'll check. She was really cool. But I guarantee type in Hot United Pilot. Those pilots have great Instagrams, by the way. All the pilots do these Instagrams are all influencers. There's your pilot. I know that guy. I follow him on Instagram.

You follow.

The Hot guy? Yeah, he's on The Bachelor. Oh, really? Yeah, I follow him. His workouts are non-negotiable. I fucking follow this fucking cunt. I follow him. Yeah, he's on The Bachelor. He's in great shape. I, Len, and George, I, and LeAnne are watching The Bachelor and The Silver Bachelor.

I've seen the commercials for.

That, but I've never watched it. Silver Bachelor is.

Pretty cool. What is he? Like 60 or something?

I think he's like 70, but he's not 70. No. Yeah, he's a grandfather.

He's not 70.

I think he is. I see how old The Silver Bachelor is.

There's no way.

The.

Silver Bachelor? Yeah, the Silver Bachelor age.

At no point does he say stuff that I would say where he goes like, I just blow loads in these chicks. They're all menopause.

Wow.

'71, and then the fucking chicks are fucking I'd hit it. Really? Ilah hates that. I was like, I'd still fuck her. I was like, Dad. I'm like, What? That's how people watch these shows, right?

Yeah. That's totally what they're thinking.

It's no.

Shut up. Is that her?

Hold on. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, but goddamn, you're fucking close. You are fucking close. Shes fucking see who she follows? I guarantee she follows the other Hot Pilot. This pilot's red hair, more petite. Okay. But man, she was fucking- Hot. -beautiful. Yeah. If she had just come out and be like, Hey, guys, we're going to hit turbulence. But don't worry, I'm on it. Everyone have been like, Okay, you know what I'll be thinking about when I...

Well, look, dude, I'm glad we got together. It's good to see you. It's good to see you, too. We're going to have some fun tomorrow.

What's the name of this stuff I have in my mouth?

Oh, it's rogue.

Rogue? Where do you get it at?

Fucking gas station.

Oh. Yeah. I know you're.

Ready for another one?

I mean, I don't know. How soon can I have another one?

All day. Stay in the zone.

I'll move it up top.

Does it.

Look cool when.

You wear it like this? Yeah, it does. Actually, some people think they feel it more up there.

It burns again. It's back. I follow a bunch of kids. I follow a bunch of kids on Instagram.

What?

All right. We're both Upper Deckers.

Thanks for watching and listening. We'll learn about those kids next time.

Bert, Tom, Tom, and Bert. One goes topless while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two Bear's One Cave.