This week on Two Bear, One Cave. The best is when you break someone's spirit.

Yeah, that's true.

Well, you know how I was cracking toilet seats left and right.

Cracking.

The seats? I just land too hard on them. Leanne is going to hear this and be livid with me, 100 %. Cheers.

It's always fun when it's the show you tuned in for with me. Not as always, but I'm always happy to see him. One of the only celebrities that has outspoken about his support for Hamas, it is Bert Krasher, everybody.

I just said to someone, it's so nice to not know what's going on. It's like you see people, people are like, I don't even know they are in it. On their Instagram, they're hemorrhaging followers. They're fighting with people. Fuck you. I watched a dude climbing up light post, ripping down flags and spray painting.

Yeah, it's.

Pretty wild, right? I really am not really-I'm not really sincerely really sure what's happening.

Yeah, it's nice, right? Stay out of it.

It must be like... That's a really bad analogy.

Okay, let's hear it. Nothing. Okay.

I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah.

It's wild.

It's yeah. Shit's crazy, Tom. It is so wild. I'll tell you what I'm.

Focused on. Shit is crazy right now. You just.

Said like-.

Shit's crazy. Yeah, the segue of every other comic book.

Everyone's worried about.

Their bit and they're like, So shit's crazy right now? She's real crazy?

I was looking at someone's Instagram feed today. I won't say her name because she was a very funny influencer, married to a very famous actor. She is fucking hard asand as I read her post, I'm like, I don't even know about that. I did a post about how beautifully my beard was dyed. I was like, Wow, I'm out of touch. It is nice, though, right?

Should I do it? I've never.

Done it. No, no, no. Here's the key about dyeing a beard. Yeah. What a pivot. Right now people are like, Wow, they're really not going to talk about the Middle East at all. The key about dying your beard is not dying at all. Right. It's about subtly dying it. Taking big patches. You have a strong mustache.

Yeah, everything is the way it is, right?

You don't touch it.

At all?

No. What is your hair? Is your hair gray?

I don't know. I haven't seen it in forever.

What was the longest you let it grow out?

-now? -yeah. A few days. Really?

Yeah, four or five days. And you shave it yourself? Yeah. Clippers or a razor?

I use the electric one where your hand molds to it and I just go in the shower. For real? Yeah, because it's easy. It gets really smooth.

I can't believe I still have any hair.

You always cover it up, though.

Yeah, I know because it just looks perfect.

It looks perfect with the.

Hat on? Looks fine with the hat on. But it's thinning, but I can cheat it. I can cheat it.

Do you ever go without.

The hat? Yeah, all my specials, all of them are all right. When you do stand-up?

Do you do it hatless?

Yeah, I do at Hatless. I like wearing a hat because I think I look cute in a hat. Cute? Yeah. My daughters have a thread, a baby, a Walrus thread, and they will hose it down with threads. I've said I've looked cute, and they take a picture, and I do not look cute.

It's usually when I- So where do you dye?

All here? That's the best question I've been asked in my entire.

Fucking life. Oh, okay.

Here's what I do. Just for men, brown. You don't want to go black. You don't.

Want to go too dark. You don't go black because you don't have black hair, so that would be crazy.

But that's what a lot of the pro-wrestlers do. Like Randy Machomie and Savage for a period of time.

Segel.

Oh, my God.

His hair dye is.

The best. Oh, my God. On our cruise, we had a costume night, and there was a couple who dressed up as you and Push. I saw this. It was so fucking good. I saw this. It was such a deep cut because no one really got it. Then I didn't get it at first. Then I was like, Shut the.

Fuck up. Because he did.

The sagal one. He did the sagal, and then she was from her special. But the key to dyeing your hair is leaving gray hair there.

Yeah, you can't get it.

All the way. You can't deny it. It's like when I shave my pubes, I trim. I trim. So what I do is I've watched a lot of barber shop videos. I comb it out. I comb it out, right? And then I trim that out. I just give it a fade a little bit. Then I go, so if this is dick and balls, right? This is actually good. This is dick and balls. What I do is I Caesar it out like this. So everything under here is shorn. Everything's bald right here, bald right here, shaft totally fucking bald. Then this is the key. I go up an inch. I go up into this area and cut an inch. The pubus. Yeah, into the pubus area because it looks like you have an inch more of cock.

Then it's a fake-If you push that fat pad, you actually see more dick. If you push it in, you're like, Well, there's some dick.

In there. Can I tell you that's the workout I'd invest in? Six minute dick. It's just whatever workout. I don't even know, like a bicycle.

I think if you actually really reduce your body fat to first, let's say you get to 12 and then you go under hardcore, then that pad would be.

Completely gone. That's why young dudes have big dicks.

Just because they're body fat level. Yeah.

You almost got to forgive all those guys that molested them. Just joking, guys. Just joking. But young dudes, 18 years old is the best dick you're going to have. Take pictures now, guys.

I think anybody who is willing to take nude photos at any point, if you're like, I'll do it right now. I'm willing to. You're crazy not to because you're never going to look better.

Dude, all I do is take nude pictures of myself. In the sauna when I have sauna cock, it's up against the window, fucking shoulders like this. That's why I look the best. Every time I go like this, it doesn't look that good. You're like...

But you go down.

I go down like this. Then I get almost hard. Almost hard.

Like three quarters?

Yeah, seven-eighths.

Okay. It's full, but it's just not up yet.

It's full. It's just not... It's ready to sail. It's still in the dock. Got you. Fucking, sails are up. If you get into sailing, I don't.

Want to get into sailing. I don't like sailors.

You don't like sailors?

Well, no, they're nice people. I'm saying whenever I see a sailboat-.

Oh, you don't like sailboats?

I always go, That looks cool, but I don't really want to be on it. I want to be on one with a motor because I've been on sailboats. It's just fucking, I feel like it's chaotic.

That's what I like about it.

Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

I love the idea that there's an energy. Because I was looking at what it seems happens is when you get to a certain level in your life, you take flying lessons. That's what it seems like happens. Are you taking flying lessons? Yeah. Of course you are.

Can I try to chokehold on you? No. Just real quick?

No.

Absolutely not. I won't.

Do it all the way. No, wait. Hang on. Are you taking jiu-jitsu now? So? Are you taking jiu-jitsu and you're taking.

Flying lessons? I have a midlife crisis. I'm 44.

Holy shit. Wait, hold on. You're taking jiu-jitsu.

Let me just try one on you. But you tap.

Hold on. Just let me see if I know how to do it well.

Hold on.

What? No, you're trying it out on somebody who doesn't know how to defend himself. I know, but like….

Okay, you just tell me. Hey. All right, see, it's.

Getting better. God damn it. You know, Ilaa choked me out in front of LeAnne?

My boys have tried choking me out. They're both in it.

Are you serious? The three of you were taking jiu-jitsu? Yeah. And you're fighting them? No. The energy a fucking child boy must have in jiu-jitsu.

Is insane. Ellis does armbars on me all that. I'm like, Yo! I've already broken one. He's intense.

Wait, both your boys are taking jiu-jitsu. Yeah. You're taking jiu-jitsu. You're taking flying lessons. Yeah. What else? When did you realize you're having a midlife crisis?

I guess because people say that whenever you do anything that's out of what you've done before that's adventurous, they go, You're having a midlife crisis. Then my thought on that is like, Yeah, how could you not?

Yeah, it's the same thing happens when people go, You've changed. You're like, Yeah, it's.

The whole fucking- But I think if you're not having a mid-life crisis and you're in your 40s, then something's wrong.

With you. You're not working hard enough.

No, it means you have no self-awareness. There you go. Yeah. It means you're not appreciating. The whole thing about a mid-life crisis is you go, I'm going to die, so I need to do these things because I don't have that much life left.

Yeah, life is fleeting.

Right. I'm saying if you're not somebody who... If you're like, Oh, no, I'm not interested in anything. I'm just going to do anything. Everything I've always ever done, then it's almost like you're saying, I just don't care that this is going to end.

There's a lot of people that think drinking is their thing.

They.

Just go, like I told you about the time I was in the cardiologist waiting room, and I was nervous. The guy was like, What are you nervous about? I was like, What if he tells me I have to quit drinking? He looks at me, he goes, Heads up. You don't. I was like, What? He goes, You can drink yourself to death. No one's going to give a fuck. I was like, Jesus Christ. Then the cardiologist told me, Just so you know, everyone in that room is people that didn't know when to stop. I got told... I'm not told the other day, I want to go back to your midlife crisis, but I got told the other day there's two types of people. There's addicts and there's partiers. Partiers stop when the party's over. Yeah. I mean, addicts just never stop.

That's true.

I was like, Oh, yeah. I stop when the party's over. You're a partier? Yeah, I go, The party, I'm not drinking by myself in my room when everyone, no one's there, and then going like.

I'm going to jack off. No, the difference is with you is that you are the person who goes, Come over, so that the party can keep going.

Do you realize my one takeaway? I had so many sober realizations over my time of sobriety. The number one takeaway is how often everyone wants to go to bed.

This is your takeaway?

Everyone-.

Wants to sleep.

Everyone.

Wants to sleep. And you?

Never. I never want to sleep. I never want the party to end. That's the thing. I want everyone to stay up with me. I want to have one more drink. I want everyone to like, Yo, come on. Then I'm cool going to bed, but at 2:00 in the morning, if you let the most people would go to bed at 11 o'clock. Most people don't want to just... I listed my favorite part of the tour bus to get on the tour bus and be in the bus leaves and I'm like, One more drink. Then the best is when you break someone's spirit. We're like, Pete's in bed and then you open his curtain and you're like, You're not going to be a bitch, Ari. He's like, Guys, I'm trying to sleep. You're like, One drink. Everyone getting Pete's bunk. Then everyone gets in his bunk. He's like, Fine, fuck it. I'll drink with you. That's my favorite, is breaking their spirit.

Yeah.

That's true. Just fucking. That's the funniest. The funniest. The funniest I would love one semester in a fraternity house. Just one semester in a fraternity house.

You could do that as a show.

I don't even need to do a show. I could do it.

For free. No, I know, but that would be a hit show. Oh. Back in the- Frat Dad? Frat Dad?

Yeah. I just show up. By the way, I don't even need to be there Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, but I want to be there Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Yeah, game day. Game day? Game Day? Game Day?

And a big school, too. Like big southern school. You got to go where it's like it's a scene.

I'd love to go back to Florida State. I mean, I have Florida State, I've been there. But I would love to go to one of those. I would love to do-.

I would-to-do- -Oxford on a Saturday.

Game day. Dude. Incredible. I would love to do Friday, Saturday at different colleges, different fraternities. I get in Friday.

Do you know what I did? I haven't announced it yet. The first half of my... The 24th is announced. Yeah. For the fall, I booked some college gigs. The gig is Friday, so that I can go to the game Saturday.

Are you fucking serious?

Yeah. God damn it. Yeah. I'm going to like some.

Big ones. Can I tell you? This is what's wrong with me. I just said to my family and to everyone, I'm going to take the fall off. Yeah. No, I don't want to.

You should. Nope.

No, you should. I don't need to. It's good for you. I have a tour bus. I know. I'll just meet you at all.

Your gigs. Okay.

We'll go to college game day every fucking Saturday.

I mean, I'm excited.

Okay, go to tomscrow. Com. Have you announced them yet?

Not the fall ones, no.

Okay, when they launch, I will be taking my tour bus to a fraternity house. I'll be spending the night with you boys. We're going to go out hard Friday night, real hard, fucking real hard. Saturday morning, I will be the first up. I will get breakfast ready for everyone. I will have pre-partying. But here's the thing- What are you worried about? Why are you already saying no?

No, I'm not worried.

I'm not worried. Okay, keep going.

I went out. I went out for drinks.

But your drinks or my drinks?

Well, my drinks. I was drinking vodka on ice, just enjoying just nice cold, crisp vodka.

There is nothing better.

It was delicious.

Than the cleanest drink you can have in the world. Whisky is a dirty whore who loses.

Her shoes. Yeah.

Okay, gin is a chick you didn't realize was overweight until you wake up next morning.

Tequila.

Gives you an STD.

Yeah, tequila is wild.

But fucking vodka.

Vodka is a gentleman's drink.

Vodka leaves before you wake up with a note by your bed, and you smile at her and you go, God, I wouldn't mind fucking her one more time. I love vodka. Vodka is great. I haven't had vodka in so long.

Here's the thing. Can I tell you what surprised me? What? So every time I have a few drinks, I'm always like, Man, tomorrow is going to suck. I'm always thinking about the recovery.

Not with vodka.

I'll tell you this. I was fine. You do. I was fine. Yes, I had a few waters before bed. That's the key.

Yeah. For real, that is the key. But I.

Had a little buzz and I was like, Man, I wonder if tomorrow I'm going to be in just a world of regret. I was fine, dude.

When we did our first weight loss challenge, I drank Titos and soda through the entire fucking weight loss challenge. You did? I lost weight. I'm telling you, it's the cleanest drink. My only problem is airplane vodka. What is that? The airplane vodka. They don't have good vodka on airplanes. That's the only problem I have with airplane vodka. Yeah, Yeah. Man, you just made me want to drink. You know what's interesting? I monitor myself not to get too into the weeds, but I keep a happiness journal, and I notice things about myself. You do? Yeah, I've kept it for.

A while. What is that?

I write down times, things that make me happy, things that make me anxious, things that bring me joy, things that I really like. I write ideas in there. It's just a way to quantify. The easiest one to explain is one morning, I made the girls breakfast, and then they went to school. I had a cup of coffee and a cigar out my backyard, and I was writing in my happiness journal. I went, God, I really feel great. I feel great making them. I feel of service. I feel great making them breakfast. I should remember that this brings me happiness. Then two days later, I'm hungover. I'm doing shows at the store. I'm hungover. The girls are up, and I was like, Hey, are you making breakfast? I was like, I think I'm going to just sleep. I hear LeAnne, Let him sleep. He was out late last night. But in my head, I know that I had written it down. That drink makes me happy. I went, Stop. Get out of bed, go make them breakfast and see if that works again. I made them breakfast. My hangover went away. I'm laughing. I'm having coffee.

We're all joking. They go, I'll get in the car and go, and I go, God damn it, it works. It's like quantifying happiness. What I do is I quantify when I stop drinking, the first five days is the most interesting because you have an impulse. You know when you started losing weight and you find out how many times you actually went to the fridge, or how many times you went to a bag of chips and you're like, Oh, wait, I can't have chips. I'm trying to eat clean. It's easy to do with weight loss, but when you drink a lot, there's a lot of times where your brain will say to yourself, Hey, we should have a drink tonight. It's almost like, Oh, hey. I should have a drink. Then I would quantify that, and then I'd sit with that feeling and then go, What is that? I was trying to figure out what it is. Then there were false ones, almost like a false limb where you feel an itch. It's just like going like, and then those go away real quick.

Like false what?

False-false feelings of wanting to have a drink. Oh, I got you. Like where your brain goes, We just get to open a bottle of wine tonight. Then you're like, I don't really need that. You know what I'll do? I'm going to get on the treadmill. I'm going to walk. I'm going to watch full swing on fucking Netflix. I'm going to feel good. I'm going to get a good night's sleep. I'm going to sauna before I go to bed. I'm going to get up and I'm going to push it tomorrow. You're like, Yeah, that's the right thing. You know what? Maybe we'll take a hit of weed and smoke a cigar. That'll be the same feeling. Then there's what you just did to me. It's when they're real. They're real. That's the Lord talking to you, where you brought up vodka. My brain said, We haven't danced with her in a while. Just her. No soda, no cranberry, just her. Just me and her on ice, maybe a little bit of a lime, just to bow in her hair.

Flower in her hair. It was good. It was nice, man. It was nice.

I want you to remember this. I'm being dead serious. I want you to remember that you did this to me tonight. Good to know, because this one's a real one. I haven't had her in a while. I fell in love with her. She really introduced my son. I told you this a long time ago. I was sitting on a plane. I was sitting on a plane drinking a Heineken and this gorgeous man next to me, his name was Tan, gorgeous man next to me said, You know what? I could go for a drink. I had a long one last night. I was like, Yeah. It was vodka soda. She brings it to him and I said, Vodka soda. I was like, What are you? Chelsea Handler? He was like, It's in my contract. I was like, What? He goes, As a male model, it's the best drink you can drink to lose weight. I went, I'm going to murder this Heineken and I'll have a vodka soda, too. That was when I first met her. But she does make you feel clean.

Yeah, makes you feel good. It was a good buzz.

We're going to get fucked up tonight.

We are going to be drinking.

Are you going to get Bert drunk? No. Why don't you get Bert drunk? I have to do things. I'm curious. I'm being sincere because I've done it. I've done it where you go, There's two things. I want the buzz. I want the buzz. I want to feel the buzz. I want the sparkle. Then there's times where you go, No, everyone's drinking. I understand that that would make things easier just to be a part of the team and we'll all drink tonight, but I really don't want to drink. I don't have an interest in drinking. I wish I could have some water. I wish I wasn't over at this guy's house, so I had to listen to him talk about assisted suicide. By the way, maybe the best sober conversation I've ever been my entire life.

Really? Oh, yeah. At a guy's house?

At a guy's house. He was like, Listen, suicide is not a bad fucking option. I was like, What? Because when you get older, and then his wife's like, Stop telling people on suicide.

Well, having seen somebody wither away, yeah, I would have wanted to check out.

When do you think on the list of people I call when my dad dies, where do you think you'd be on that list?

I don't know. That's really personal to you.

I know, but you've been through it.

But I mean, whether or not your order, I don't like to guess where I'll be in your order. I mean, you're probably going to talk to your siblings, your mom, your wife.

Maybe your kids. How is-You never called me when your dad died.

Yeah, because you're not really... It affects everyone differently. Did you drink? Did I drink? When it happened- You found.

Out as you poured drink and be like, Oh, fuck. What did you do? No.

We were at the-.

You knew he was dying, too.

Oh, yeah, we knew he was dying. Then they were like, It'll happen in the next... The doctors and nurse, it'll happen the next day. I was there in the morning, and let's say he died around noon. From there, we went to a funeral home that was going to do the... We had some things already picked out, but we had to do a few other things. We made a few.

Other-it was a lot of business.

Yeah, the more of it like... There's the thing about dying is that people who are alive but with dying on the horizon, that's why it's so important to have your stuff in order, like A, your estate planning stuff. Because people who die without that, I think the story goes that Prince had no will. I'm just using him as an example. Then you just have tons of people being like, We're all apart. They're trying to chop up this estate.

I'm going to have a reading of my will, just like an '80s movie, where everyone's there and they're like, Who's that guy? Then everyone's sitting there and they're like, Okay. I want people fighting for the money. I'm going to have a scavenger hunt. I'm going to have.

Like- Yeah.

The more of that- Then I'm going to have all the electricity in the house drop out, and then one person is going to die also. Then they're going to be like, Who did it? And then they find out. That would be fun. Why did anyone make their.

Death fun? They're not thinking like you. They're just like, Man, I don't know why I'm such a bummer about this whole death.

But- Why don't funeral homes step it up? You've got wedding planners.

You've got funeral planners. It's a bummer city at funeral homes. It's a bummer city. It's really a bum show. But you have to have that stuff. Then if you are, I'm saying, thinking ahead, you have your plot, how you want to be if you want to be cremated.

If you want to- Do you know where you want to be buried?

Not at all. I haven't thought about it, but I do have-.

I have so much time now that I don't drink like I used to.

How much time do you have?

A better question is, how much time do you think I had if I didn't slow down?

If you.

Didn't slow down? Be real.

I think you would have had real health issues start to evolve and show themselves in this decade. Like from.

'50 to '60?

Yeah, and we're talking like you're not slowing down at all. -i'm not slowing down. Yeah, I think your health would have taken a turn during this decade.

That's my one takeaway, and I mean this to all our fans because I think all our fans have watched us change and grow and digress, get hurt, get surgeries, go through shit. But the one thing I think sometimes is I wish I could gift just the space to everyone. Once you get healthier, you get a little distance from your bad behaviors, and you start like... It almost gives you time to exhale. I would love to gift everyone what it's like to not wake up super fat. Because I know what it's like right now. By the way, I'm still obese. I'm still obese. I understand that. Everyone watching this goes, Dude, you're 235. That's fucking fat as fuck.

That's down from 275?

275, really. When we look at... I love these things so much. By the way, the amount that it takes off of you, like just walking or getting up, showering. You know, showering is the big thing. I can wash my asshole again. I couldn't wash my asshole. Really? I could get back there and it would hurt.

To get back there. Like your shoulders and your back would hurt. I'd be like.

My feet don't hurt.

How about stairs? Don't stairs make a difference? 40 pounds is a lot of difference on going up a.

Flight of stairs. I don't work for you, UPS.

But I'm saying if you're in a stairwell….

Why have I ever been in a fucking stairwell?

You never go up a flight of stairs at all? No. I like how stairs… I said, when you go.

To the space station- What am I? One of your pores? Yeah. No, I don't walk up stairs. I fucking hang out in the first floor. The girls are upstairs. I don't go up to their rooms. Okay. I don't really fuck with stairs.

You're really saying this like stairs are out of the realm of possibilities.

To run into. It's very interesting you say that. Today I did the stair climber. Today I did the stair climber, and I actually thought, This is fucking useless. Really? I was like, Who the fuck is doing stairs? Really? No, I don't fuck with stairs.

But getting out of a chair is different.

Getting out of a chair, I actually feel it. I actually feel because I do a lot of squats and gobbleit squats.

Were you at the point at your heaviest where you would have a split-second thought getting into a chair? Is this a supportive chair?

No, but I will tell you, drink fully loaded.

Yeah.

It's the guy that came back stage. He's a big guy. Well, he was big. He was probably three bills. He sat in a chair and he broke it. As he sat it, it was shattered. It smithereen, like comic book. All four legs went squirt, and the fucking back fell off. When everyone laughed, except for me and Big Jay, we looked at each other and looked at him. We're like, It's okay, buddy. We're there.

It's- That could have been us.

That could be us. Well, thank God we didn't sit in that chair because that could be us. No, getting right now... Well, you know I was cracking toilet seats left.

Right? No.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I was cracking toilet seats because when you're that fat... By the way, there's the minuteia of fat, like stretching a shirt. These are things that fat guys do. Stretching a shirt before you put it on, the idea of putting on pants where you go, These are barely going to get around my ass. Then going through your wardrobe and having absolutely nothing to wear, putting on a suit and realizing, I feel like I'm in a fucking prison. But nothing connects more than cracking toilet seats.

Cracking the seats?

I cracked so many seats. Then what would happen is I just land too hard on them. I go to take a shit, andand I'd go, Wham! Then it would crack and you couldn't find the crack. But then when you got up, it would pinch your leg. Dude.

The other one is a fat guy move is putting your foot on your leg to tie your shoe. That's a total fat guy move. You need to reach.

It here. You can tell fat guys. You can tell fat guys about their stomachs, but you can also tell really fat guys all their shoelaces are tied on the inside. In the inside, yeah. Dude, I stopped tying shoes altogether. I just everything was a slip on. Everything was a slip on. It's why fat guys have such hard, bad feet problems. Shoes were meant to be tied. They were meant to be tied not too tight, but snug on your foot. When you slide into all your shoes and you're overweight, putting so much stress on your feet, and you're getting plantar fasciitis, dude, sweatpants are such an enabler.

They're.

Enablers. Yeah, because you put on sweatpants, you're like, I'm not that fat. I can sit criss across sauce. Yeah. It's all comfort. Yeah. Then you put on jeans and you're like, I would look at you in your fancy clothes and hate you.

Fancy? You mean pants?

No, you'd put on fancy clothes like slacks. You'd come to the Do Do Bears. I was like, What are we dressing up? Is there a fucking red carpet? You have a collared shirt on with a fucking Bayes jacket. I'd be like, Oh, cool. The first thing I did when I lost a significant amount of weight is I went into a bunch of jackets that must have stood there like they were never getting called to war. They were just sitting on the side like it's going. How good does that feel? We're not going. Dude, I'll wear one tonight. It's crazy. It feels so good. Dude, when we were promoting the machine that's streaming right now on Netflix, it was number one for three weeks. But you can check it out and then boost it back up to number one. It would totally help me out. I don't even want you to watch it. Just hit play on your fucking Netflix. Do that with our specials, too. Don't even fucking watch them tonight. Tonight, everyone watching this. Just go to Netflix and hit Sledgehammer, hit Razzle-Dazzle, and hit the machine, and just let them play. Just let them fucking play.

You know what that does? It increases our fucking money. What was I talking about? When I was promoting the movie? Yeah. I swear to God. I bought all new wardrobe. I had a stylist come in and dressed me for a new wardrobe. I went to one show and I couldn't button the shirt. Really? Of a shirt I had just recently bought. I would balloon up five pounds, six, seven pounds in an evening. In an evening. If I was on a plane, I was fucking swollen. I didn't realize how red I was.

Yeah, you did look super red before.

Everyone was like, Dude, you're really red. I was like, Yeah, no, I'm working hard. This is what hard work looks like. What are you fucking color shaming me? I loveThat's what I love about black alcoholics because you can't tell. They just stay black.

It's one of the great things about being a black alcoholic.

Black alcoholics are the fucking best. When are you going to do drink champs? No, not really like that. But when are you going to do drink champs?

I'd love to.

Oh, my God. But I want you to get fucked up.

Okay.

I want you to get fucked up. I want to sit in the back with all in Noreen and DJ, E-F-N's group and talk shit the way they do and do that. No, getting out of a chair was a big deal when I lost weight. Getting into the gym and being excited and having gains and being like, Oh.

This is good. I didn't realize that when... My dad died in December of '21.

No. Yeah.

That's when he died, December '21.

You were still in L. A?

No, I had moved here already. Okay. I moved here in May of '21. He died in December '21. I'm not even tying the two together, even though they could be. But I didn't realize that I'm back on tour. I have a trainer with me, but I'm just not dialed in on eating and going at it. I'm gaining weight, gaining weight. I had a suit that I had bought a few months prior, and then I wore it on one of the arena shows. Dude, the day I put it on, it's like, pff. I'm like, Oh. I'm trying to put then I was like, Fuck. That was March, April of '22. Just in those few months. Then I look at clips from them and I was totally.

Ballooning out. We should do a group thing. We should do a group thing. We don't need a sponsor. Although a sponsor would be badass. But we should do a group thing in January.

A.

Group thing? Group thing. What do you mean? Like dry January. We didn't do Sobrictone. We did do subarachno, but I already wasn't drinking, so it wasn't any fun.

Can I tell you it was so lax this year between us? No one ever even talked about it that I broke my sobriety on accident. I was just like, Who cares? I met up with somebody and they go, Do you want to have a drink? I still wasn't thinking because we weren't talking about it. But I go, Sure, I have a drink, I think maybe half of it. It was the next day where I was like, Oh, it's October, and I just forgot.

Yeah. It's fun when you do a group challenge. I would love to do a group challenge. Here's what I want. I don't know if there's a way to do this. I guess. Maybe we can see if... I'm a big, still, whoop guy. I know you wear yours every now and then. Yeah. I would love whoop to make my numbers public.

I'm.

Sure they can. I want them to make the numbers public, and I want our fans to have their numbers public. I want to be able to everyone.

Check in. I think you can if you accept.

People who- But we should do a real challenge at the beginning of this year with us and our fans. For January? I'm going to party my dick off. Starting tonight, I'm going to party pretty hard.

Through.

December? Probably. I mean, figure it's holiday season. Thanksgiving is going to be a fucking wash, right? Tonight, me and you are getting pretty fucked up. We are. We are.

How fucked up?

Pretty fucked up. I want you to start laughing when those uncontrollable laughs where you're like, I did not expect this to happen. Christmas is going to be a fucking blowout. New Year's Eve. Are you in Honolulu? Yeah. You're in Honolulu New Year's Eve. I don't think I'm doing a show, but I have a party at my house. I want to get fucking lit. But I want to go January 1. I want to go January 1, do dry January. I probably bleed into our Super Bowl show. The first time we drink again to be our Super Bowl show, but get our fans activated, too, because it's funny. I'm sure there's people watching this going, Oh, fuck off. Because I did that when you lost weight. I was like, Oh, fuck off. Yeah, great. You got your shit together. You don't know anything. But do something to activate our group, because everyone can use a little extra oomph, a little something motivation, group motivation really works. We don't need Joe and Ari. We can just do me and you, a dry January just for the bears, just for the fucking people that are our guys, but activate the community.

Because I love when people post shit and then you see them doing better. There's a bunch of guys that I guess when I started losing weight, I love when I started losing weight and everyone's like, That fat fucking do it. Then they started losing weight and then they lost more weight. Then you go like, Wow, that's inspiring. We should do dry January. See if we can get a sponsor so everyone can get on the same shit. I go to whoop immediately because that's my favorite one. But start 2024 solid. That would be cool.

Yeah.

I get into a bunch of these boy... Hang on. I get into a lot... I don't know the right way to say this. A bunch of young men who are party guys, but they're all workout party guys, and I.

Fucking love them. Are they gorgeous?

They're good looking. Okay. They're shirtless. They're fun. There's one guy that lives in Miami, one guy lives in Tampa.

You just like.

I just follow them. They're all.

Fucking- Colleges?

I don't even know. They don't look educated.

Okay.

But they're probably... They're college age and they're just fucking party guys. There's something about that when you haven't realized-.

That's your spirit, dude. That's what it is.

Yeah, we're going to have so much fun in the fall. Yeah, going.

From tour to tour. You're jumping on this for sure.

I'm jumping on it. I'm jumping on it. I'm getting ready for... I'm building for something. What I'll do? Yeah. Oh, dude, I'm at least doing one. I'm at least doing one with you. Okay. I'm going to spend the night at Fraternity House. Are you doing Tallahassee? Mm-hmm. Are you doing Tallahassee? Bro. Can I roll out the red car before you in Tallahassee? Yeah, of course. Holy shit. Can you tell if I have a... Do I look like a... Oh, I thought it was the other side. Anyway, Tallahassee, I went to a Florida State game.

Of.

Course, I know. And it went, it was fucking... Of course, I know. It's funny because when we ran into Coach Norville at the Westman Garden, he was like, Lucy Goosey. Hey, Tom, Bert, he lifted his shirt up and he was like, Yeah, look at my tits. And then when I saw him on game day, he's dialed in.

Yeah, of.

Course, man. He went, Gert, good to see you. Tried me up and he was on. He was on. Focused. Do you forget how fucking studley these fucking football players are? When you see them on the field, just the fucking legs.

When I was at Penn State for my show last year, they were like, Every time it's a big D-1, I'm like, Hey, can I check out the football facilities? They set it up, and they just had practice. Practice just ended. They were in the locker room, and they brought us in there. I'm fucking 43. I'm walking through this thing, and I was like, Oh, my God. These kids dwarf all of us. We all were like, Oh, God, this is fucking great. Then the kid's 19 and he's like, This. In the locker room, Oh, what's up? Oh, I love your stuff. You're like, You mean like-You.

Forget you're as old as his dad.

Yeah, you're like, Nice to meet you, son. Yeah, you're like, Nice to meet you, son. It's really nuts how the D1 athlete is built different. You don't run into them every day. They're a whole different cut. They really are.

I hung out with DK Metcalfe.

I rode an elevator with him. Really? I was.

Like- Oh, you can't pull the picture.

Such a freak show of a human being. I was like, This in the elevator. I was like, Holy shit.

Dk Metcalfe came up. It was like, whatever he said, you're the best living comic of our generation. I love the way you speak to multicultural groups, and you just translate very well.

Yeah, that sounds just like a DK quote.

He was like, Dude, fucking shoulders are on point. I was like, Oh, thanks, man. You don't have to say that. He was like, Well, it's undeniable. Then he said to me, he just got done practice. I said, What are you doing? After this, you're going to go take a nap? He looked at me like, Huh? You can see it in his eyes. He's like, I'm a different specimen than you. He goes, No, I'm going to work on ASL. I said, What? He goes, On my free time, I work on American Sign Language. I went, For fun? He goes, Yeah. Then I'm going to get another workout in. I got another class I'm taking. I go, What the fuck is wrong with you? I was like, You should be soaking wet with pussy juice.

I think he gets time for that too. I think he works it in.

He is fucking gorgeous. Gino Smith is there. Gino Smith? Gino Smith? Yeah. Gorgeous. What's going on, man? Gorgeous. I mean, just different type of men. Do you ever hear Marshon Lynch talk about Aaron Rogers?

Marshon talk about Aaron? Yeah.

No? Oh, so badass. He goes to Cal, right when his freshman year, they bring him out for first-team defense versus first-team offense, and they bring Marshon. He's fresh out of high school. They bring him out and they go, All right, we're going to run Power, Wright, or whatever. Marshon Lynch is like, Shit, I'm in. There's a list of running backs that could be back here. But they brought me in. He got so excited because I don't know anything about football, but Power, Wright is the fucking move he wants. Aaron Rogers is a quarterback, and Marshon Lynch runs the wrong direction. Aaron Rogers is such a fucking gangster. You know him. He's my best friend. Then he does a back move and hands it off backwards to Marshon Lynch. Marshall Lynch runs for touchdown, plays, goes nuts. Coaches come up and get in Marshall Lynch's face. That's not how we do it, a cow. You fucking went the wrong direction. Aaron Rogers, what a gangster to this freshman? He does not know. He says, That was my fault. They were like, What? He was like, It was my fault. I called the wrong play. I went the wrong direction.

It wasn't his fault. Marshon Lynch is a freshman, right? Yeah. In front of the whole team, they start bitching out Aaron Rogers. Aaron Rogers takes it, and he comes over to Marshon. He's like, Welcome to the team. From that day forward, Marshon Lynch has never said a word about Aaron Rogers.

Makes sense. I just saw him talk about what a shitty relationship he had with Russell Wilson.

Yeah, what the fuck? What was that?

The story he told, it was Marshon. I think he was doing-.

Club Chiche?

Yeah.

Club Chich is a badass podcast.

Yeah.

Chieron Sharp's arms are fucking jacked.

Dude, he is 55, and I saw him doing- He's 55? Yeah, he's doing incline.

Dude, I have a friend who's 55 who looks like fucking garbage. Garbage. Garbage. He is an old man at 55. You're like, Do you need a sweater?

Do you know what I'm talking about? I think I have an idea. This guy, Shannon Sharp, 55 years old. He's doing incline dumbbells with 130s and just doing reps with it. You're like, Whoa. This is pretty serious. But the story he told him about, they had a real thing obviously in Seattle, like a fucking great team. He's talking about that relationship. It's funny because you told the Aaron Rodger story. In this interview, Marshon Lynch says that after one particular game where Russ had just not a great game, Marshon reached out and was like, I know that this was not... First of all, he asked for Russ's number from Player Personnel guy, and they're like, He'll call you. Then Russ called him from an unknown, from a private number. He said that he told him, I know today wasn't like what you wanted, but I got your back. He said, Russ, was like, What? Well, you know what I'm saying? Today wasn't what you wanted as far as a passing game, but I got your back. If I have a game or it doesn't work out for me, you got my back. He said Russ was like, Huh?

It just ended like that. He goes, We had a zero relationship off the field. None. None.

That's.

Crazy. Yeah. He was reaching out to be like, Don't sweat, right? I got your back, even if you have a bad day. He was like, Yeah, I don't know what.

To do. That's all I'm looking for in life. Yeah. That's all I'm looking for. That's all I'm looking for. Can I tell you what's wrong with... Not what's wrong with Russell Wilson, but what's great about Marshall Lynch? By the way, I'm spending all day tomorrow with Marshall Lynch. No. I'm spending all day tomorrow with Marshall Lynch. He's the greatest. I'm hoping that I can blend tonight's drink into tomorrow's Hennessy afternoon, because I will drink Hennessy and blow clouds with him all fucking day. Yeah, it'd be a fun day, dude. I will get-.

You better leave with some cool.

Marshon stories. Fucked. I'm going to get his phone number. I'm going to get... I cannot wait. I cannot fucking wait to hang out with Marshon Lynch. Yeah. Marshon, I think the problem is, Here's the problem with greatness, right? Russell Wilson's no sight on him. You can't sight greatness. The greatness just operates differently than the rest of us. It just does. It's exhausting.

It's- Do you ever see, by the way, DK's supposed daily routine? No. You haven't seen this? No. He wakes up. I think he has coffee, some water, works out, goes home, gets dressed, goes to practice, has some more water. They're like, When are you eating? He's like, Oh. At 5:00 PM. Then he has some candy, too. He likes candy, which is like a Marshon thing. He's like, Yeah, I like to eat candy, like Skittles and shit.

Marshon used to take a shot of Hennessy, two shots of Hennessy before a game. I couldn't do that. I like drinking. I couldn't do that.

It's fucking crazy to me.

The problem was greatness. Only because obviously everyone aspires to greatness. Do you ever watch Full Swing on Netflix?

The golf one? Yeah.

You watch certain guys likejust like Jordan Speath or like Tiger Woods or McRoy or these great guys, they're uber competitive also. It's something broken in your psyche. Jordan, you can't take anything other than number one, right? I think it just leaves such a fucking field of frustration for you unless you are number one. It works out for the most of them. They're always number one, but they don't always, always, always turn number one. I think this is the problem with men to young men right now. I mean this out of such respect. I was saying this at the end of the day, walking out of a Target. We went to a Target, and she was saying, I don't mean this as an insult. We were talking about, Why are we so happy? What is the thing that makes us happy? How do you gift this to other people? I said this to her, and it came out as an insult, but I mean it as a compliment, is that right now, if you're listening, just lower your expectations. Do not think that's what fucks up so many young dudes, is they want the baddest bitch in the bar, not realizing all the fucking shit that comes with the baddest bitch in the bar.

All this shit, the baddest bitch in the bar wants the baddest motherfucker on the street. She doesn't even want the baddest dude in the bar. She wants the baddest motherfucker in the street. You're never going to be him. If you lower your expectations and just go, I just want someone.

Who.

Isn't going to cheat on me, doesn't burn steaks, and can fuck, then there's a ton of those around. Right. There's a ton of those around, and I think-.

And that's what you shoot for.

That's what you shoot for. Shoot for just a chick that gives really good hand jobs. Don't look for the baddest bitch in the bar. The baddest bitch in the bar sucks. What's the hottest chick you ever dated? You can't say your wife because I know we're all going to say that. What's the hottest chick you ever dated? Then let's fuck her up. Let's destroy her. Because every guy in college listening right now is like, Whoa, whoa, whoa. Think about it right now. The chick, you'd love to fuck, right? You'd love to fuck. The one you're like, Fuck, that would be nice.

No, it was a disaster. Oh, is it? Yeah, I went out with a model in L. A. I had a huge crush on her.

Yeah, that, oh, it's like... Already, already. Okay, ready. I'm going to break it down. Already, if you have a crush on her, you're fucked.

Yeah, it.

Was like that. Because what you're doing is you're New Year's Eve-inger. You're saying this is going to be the thing.

Yeah, exactly. You're totally right about this, actually. And it was. It was a total... And then here's the thing. You get to know someone like that, the baddest bitch in the bar, and you lose your attraction to her. You're like, I know that you're going to say she's pretty, but I've hung out with her. You start to find her less attractive. People can't even understand. How do you not think she's attractive? Because I fucking spent time with her. She's a mess.

She does fucked up things where you're like, Real people don't do that.

Literally. Literally. Like, says fucked up things and you're like, What the fuck? Then you start to go like, Oh. You start to lose, the attraction goes away.

I said it to LeAnne. I said, You know what I love about your body?

I know this is going to be fucked up sounding. I already know. How fucking uncomfortable is this what you said? Because I'm gaging. I have an idea. Well, you know what I love about your body? How it's so not perfect.

Yeah, of course. I know. Because whatever the flaws are, I find sexy. But here's the deal. I'm talking right now to a 25-year-old dude, a 30-year-old dude who's starting to do good life, got aspirations, and thinking what I need to fill out my fucking resume of life, what it's going to... What it's going to look like when I'm 50? For me to be happy is I need the baddest bitch is in that resume. I'm top sales, I'm eating good, I'm eating clean. I got a good group of friends. I got a nice car. I got a condo. I'm crewing money in that condo. I got a great stereo system. I got shit dialed in. What I need is a bad motherfucking bitch. I want to check that other dudes are like, Oh, fuck. Yeah, right? Yeah. Here's the flaw on that. What you got to do is lower your expectations and say, This is what I can get. What's the best of what I can get? What's the thing, the hidden thing? I said LeAnne, I love your body, and LeAnne is not a fan of her own body. She just is like, I could do this and do that.

I said, and this is so fucked up, but when I get LeAnne naked, it's like a secret. She doesn't show that to everyone because there's vulnerability there. When I do get her naked and she cuts loose, and this bitch has been cutting loose lately, it's like she's trusting me with a secret. I thought I was in a brown nipples. I thought brown nipples were the fucking key to life. Leanne has got pink nipples, and they're fucking... Pink nipples are a secret. When you see pink nipples, you're like, Oh, this is sex. Brown nipples, you pull those out on the beach in Brazil, everyone sees them. You're like, Okay, brown nipples. They're not bad, but whatever. It's like brown nipples, you can whip them out of the bar. Her nipples are nipples that people don't just show all the time because they're hot and sexy, you know what I mean? Okay. I don't know. But my point is, and I kept saying this to her, I got what I wanted because I.

Wasn't- I wouldn't expect it much.

Ii know. Leanne is going to hear this and be livid with me.

I know what your.

Intentions are. I'm sure she did the same thing. I'm sure she said, But that's the key to life. The key to life is being happy with.

What you have.

That's the key.

Grateful for what you have. Grateful for what you have. At every level, yes.

And realizing what will make you grateful. You don't need, trust me when I say. First of all, I will say it. I have to say this. I don't know if I would be where I am without LeAnne. I can't look at my life and go, Imagine if I just plugged that chick in. I don't think I'd have it. I don't think there's a lot of chicks that would be like, No, no, no, no. This is my guy. The guy that drinks himself blind on a plane, shows up, phones in with our kids, passes out, wakes up, doesn't know where he is, and is like, I think I shit my pants. I don't think there's a lot of chicks that would settle for that. But LeAnne did the same thing I did and was like, This guy is good. He's self-correcting. He loves the fuck out of me. And that's the key. I wish we could articulate that more to young men would go, You know that chick that you dated during the summer who had a great sense of humor, and you can go to Target with and you could laugh non-stop with? Yes. That's the one you want.

That's the one you want, yeah.

You want to be in a Target with a chick and just be laughing at stupid shit. Not the chick that goes, Are we shopping at Target? Yeah, no. And that's... You don't want that chick.

No, the great... I was lucky in that I dated great girls, even from high school through college. If it was longer than a few weeks, it was because you could go to Target or just sit around, do nothing, because that's really when you vibe with somebody that you have that. If the person is like, What are we doing here? And asking you to be someone you're not, then that's obviously not for you. That's not a good relationship.

There's so many... There's so many times that people look at what they have and think and they judge it by what other people think they have. Let's pretend it's a car, right? Say you just love a fucking Civicca. A Civicca? Civicca? Civic. Say you love your Civic. You love your Civic. But then as you pull up in your Civic, people say things about your Civic, and you're like, Well, it's a good car. They're like, Okay, and then they get in their Jaguar. Well, Jaguars break down at a alarming rate. That's every other chick is a Jaguar. But if you love your Civic, then go, Fuck you. I love my Civic. This is a badass Civic.

That's what you told Lean. You're like, You know what? You're my Civic.

You're my Civic.

Yeah.

You're my Honda Civic.

Put that on a card.

Yeah, you're my Honda Civic. Yeah. I am your station wagon. There you go. Dude, people forget how great station wagons were.

Station wagons were the shit. It's sad.

That they- What car is Christina? Can I tell you what car.

She is? Oh, boy.

No, I know what car she is.

I think she's a jetta. No, that was one of hers. She loved.

That was one of her cars? Yeah. I got to take back to LeAnne Civic because that sounds so bad. But, Christy, can I tell you what a Christine is? Do you remember the Mercedes your dad gave you?

Yeah, the old- It's a badass car. It was an old.

Sl 500. If you know shit about cars, you know how badass.

That car is. That car is.

Rad, dude. It's a badass car.

It's a badass fucking car. By the way, the funny thing you pointed out, she fucking loved.

That thing. It's a badass car. My dad had one of those cars. Really? I remember- It's the fucking hottest car.

I remember in that era, because that was late '90s, seeing those and just being in awe. Because that's what... I felt like Derek Thomas had a SL5. It was the badass car. Dude, it's.

The baddest fucking Mercedes ever made.

Yeah, I fucking love that thing.

Yeah, she loves that one. Leanne, you're not a civic, okay? Because she's not going to get that. She's going to go like a civic?

Well, she's like a Raptor.

You know what she is? She's a... Now hold on, not renovated. She's a Ford Bronco. A '68? A '68 Bronco. The fucking cool ones that people are refurbishing.

Yeah, the Restomod. I'd love to refurbish her. It'd be so fucking awesome.

Just a bunch of- New interior.

-new interior, new exterior. She said to me the other day, You know what? I wouldn't... She's going to kill me for saying this. She's never talked about plastic surgery. She goes, I'll tell you what, I wouldn't mind. I wouldn't mind getting my eyes done. I did not realize what I was saying. I looked at her and I go, That's where you'd start? She went, What? I'm just saying like that, That's where you'd start. I'mi just said it wrong? Leanne is a Bronco because she's like, badass. When you see it, you're like, Oh, that's a cool car. But it's a little bit of a beater right now. No, but I'm fucking this up.

She's- All terrain?

Yeah, she's-.

Offroader.

For sure. -on the weekends, fun as fuck. Take the top off on the weekends, fun as fuck. But when you get in her- It's not very safe. The seatbelts are just lap belts. The Windfield Wipers don't work. Sometimes when you turn her on, you got to... I had that in a fucking special, I think. But LeAnza Bronco.

That's very good. What do you think you are?

I'll tell you what I am.

Okay.

I'm a Model T.

Like the 1930s.

Or 10, whatever? I accrued in value exponentially.

Oh.

That's very good. I think when she got me, she was like, What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? It doesn't even start. Then all of a sudden, someone's like, I think she probably saw other chicks walking by going, Hot damn, you have a Model T. Leanne was like, Is it good? They're like, Fuck, yeah. It's on an arena tour. She's like, Oh, shit. I better fucking shine my.

Model T up.

I better take care of this Model T or this Model T will start fucking Porsche. She doesn't realize I don't want a Porsche.

I want a Bronco. You want a Bronco.

I want a Bronco. I want a Bronco. I pull her up to valet, and I'm like, You can park it anywhere you want. I'm not going to happen to it. She's going to be so fucking mad when she hears this.

Of course. Anybody, any reasonable person would.

You think Pusha is going to be happy that she's an old Mercedes.

I think she'd love that. Yeah, she'd love it. Yeah, it's a European, but she loves that actual model.

We were talking about, we were at our friend's house, our friends are Asian, only because food is important to them. They're really into food, and they were talking about their relationship. What I was trying to say was, I should use this as a bit. What I was trying to say was, being married to LeAnne is like... They were talking about what dish your wife would be. I said, being married to LeAnne is like salmon. It's really good for you. It's really good when done right. You can dress up a lot of shit. It's really fucking good. But all she heard was salmon, and LeAnne don't like salmon. She's like, I eat salmon. I was like, No, you are. I could eat salmon every fucking night. Every night I could eat salmon. Especially if they crust the skin on top with a little sea salt. It's so simple and it's so fucking good, so simple and it's amazing. Of course, you can overcook it and it'll be dry sometimes. If you get on a plane, you're like, I'm going to get sick. Then LeAnne real quick goes, Well, you're a turtuccan. You look good on paper, but you ain't right.

She's like, You're real complicated. Everyone's like, Oh, turtuckans here. Can't wait. Then you're like, Wait, is that three types of foul in that? I don't feel so good. I want something else. I was like, That's the funniest thing she's ever said.

Yeah, you are a turtuckan. Who do you think you'd call? What are your dad dies?

I think about this a lot. I think about it a lot. I think when I get phone calls from my dad's office, I go, Oh, fuck, it's on.

You're in pretty good health now?

Yeah, he's got hip surgery coming up.

Okay.

He almost died. He almost.

Died recently. I remember this.

Yeah. I don't know. I'm probably going to be alone. I probably want to be alone. I was alone.

I was alone. I mean, not immediately. I was alone. Here's what I was alone. I was alone the night before, and I knew it was on the horizon. Yeah. Yeah. I remember, I think I definitely made a couple of phone calls. I definitely talked about it, but I was pretty selective.

I'm probably the wrong person to call when your dad's about to die because I'll just pivot and tell you my story of my dad.

Probably, yeah. It's probably why I didn't call you. But I really appreciated the calls that I did make. Then the next day I was with family. Then everybody came out, funeral stuff.

I remember I think of the thing your dad told you before he died all the time. It's life goes on, buddy.

Life.

Goes on. I think of that. I think of that probably once a week, I.

Think of that. I think about it, too.

It's true. It goes on.

Yeah, because sometimes I'll think like, Oh, what if I die right now or today? Then that quote will enter my head. I'll be like, Yeah, the world goes on.

It's crazy that I just take this podcast over and make it mine. One bear, one cave. I just saw... What I'll do is I'll use found footage of you or backlog footage of you and continue with you just listening.

Oh, and just have me nodding and stuff?

Yeah, nodding. I'll have you start sentences, and then I'll just cut you off.

Yeah, that's pretty cool.

Can we do that, guys? The day Tom dies. -i think you already do it. -can we do a what?

What was that?

I was going to say I think that's pretty much how the show already goes, right? Oh, wow. Turn your mic off. Where the fuck's Ned Dobb when you need them.

He's on the front lines, actually. What? Yeah, he flew back to fight.

Are you being serious? No. Oh, God. What are these, just blocking bullets?

No.

I wonder two things. I wonder if I'll go straight to a bottle.

When your dad dies? Yeah.

Or if I won't, totally at all. Yeah, there's no need to. I'm going to feel it. I'm going to feel it. I'll be there. I'll be present. I'll be there for everyone else. I'll probably swallow it and then it'll rear its head one fucking ugly evening.

Yeah, that's how it works. Well, yeah, I mean, it works differently for everybody. Some people are really in the moment grieving their hardest, and then some people... Then it just affects you over time. I mean, it still affects me. It's just like it affects you when you don't expect it to. That's the thing is you can't really control it. Really? Yeah, situations, someone you talk to, something you think about, something you say, something somebody else says, the grief affects you, everybody differently. That's crazy.

Yeah.

Wait, where am I on the call sheet?

I guess it'll be number one, but it'll be quick.

Yeah, quick one.

Yeah, I'll be like, Hey, it happened. You'll be like, Oh, yeah. I'll talk to you later. Click. Then I'll probably just go into some cave time and just disappear. I've thought about disappearing, soI know I spoke for crazy. When I was at my wildest when we were this last year, and I was the heaviest and drinking hard and really getting after it, I thought about disappearing all the time. This Dave Chappelle go to South Africa, I thought about it all the time.

It would be.

Nice, right? I don't have that feeling at all. I love being present right now. I love being dialed in. I love this, and I know that it will go away again. I know how my eye operate. I know I'll gain weight back. That's how it always works. After Thanksgiving, I'll be like, Fuck it. But I love being present. I love getting up and feeling good and going like, Oh, let's go to the gym. Oh, I'm going to write. This morning I got up and I wrote. I watched your promo video where you skateboard with Tony Hawk and I was like, Oh, it's so inspiring. I love what I loved about that, your video today, and it's a little late, so everyone's probably already seen it, but it's the one where you skateboard with Tony Hawk and you end up hurt. I love, love that I saw that and I felt inspired. That is the coolest fucking feeling that I saw that I went, Fuck, that's good. First person I texted with you, I said, I love your new promo. I love that. Because when I see good promos, like Schultz did a great set of promos for fucking the Square Gardens.

Oh, my God. With his father?

I mean, that one broke me up.

That was fucking... That was great. But I didn't text Schultz. I think he probably gets so many of those. But I texted him throughout the time whenever he does something like that, like his Toronto promos were great. But I love that it inspires me as opposed to makes me shitty.

Exactly. That's a healthy response.

There's people that see that and they're like, Oh, fuck him. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. I got a tour. I got to promote a tour. I love that it inspired me. I got up, I went down, I got a coffee, sat in my room, and I started writing, just writing because I'm trying to get this new hour. I'm like, I don't have it yet. I was texting my daughters. I was like, I'm missing a story out of this special. I need a story. What story is good? They always keep saying the same ones, but I'm like, No, they're not fucking there yet. But I love that it inspired me that I'm like, I'm getting in the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go, Oh, we got a big night tonight. We're going to party. I love that that's where I am as opposed to the feeling, and I said this today when I went to the gym at the hotel I always stay at, I said, Do you know how many times I got into this gym hungover? I just said, I would love to go to just disappear to Paris for fucking seven days.

No one knows where the fuck I go. Go to a hotel room, fucking sleep for three days, start drinking white wine, get in a car, disappear into the countryside. It was so crazy that I was literally... That I would have those thoughts when I'd come here, and I would be like, It's so bizarre.

I.

Thought about disappearing a lot. I think I'll probably disappear. I guess I could do the funeral, and then I'll disappear when my dad dies. Do something crazy. How do I have people worried about me? Make it about me.

You know me. It's on brand.

It's on brand.

By.

The way, I have to tell you, out of all the podcasts we've done in this studio, this is my favorite one we've ever done. Really? Yeah. I don't know why. I just really, I feel very present and connected to you.

It's good.

I.

It.

I like it a lot. Do you notice a change in me?

I have noticed a change since I don't get to see... I don't do that often. We text and we talk sometimes, but physically definitely notice a change. It's good.

And you need it. Isn't it amazing how my body just rebounds? That I look, physically- Gorgeous. -like I'm 25. It's my first thought. I'm only way to 25, but my body, abs are showing up, my fucking arms are cut, my chest just fucking taut, taut. I did 50s for strict press 12 times four times today.

What? Yeah. 50?

50 pounds on each arm, strict press 12 times 4 rounds. Okay. I'm fucking amazed at myself. Do you ever see the scene where Bruce Willis, in that movie where he's the superhero, where his son keeps putting weight on the machine and they're downstairs and his son, it's called Unbreakable. You ever seen Unbreakable? Yeah. When Bruce Willis finds out that he's a superhero and his son is just more on the rack and then he goes, I can't. I'm going to get hurt. He's like, Dad, try it. He just keeps lifting more weight. That's what I feel like every.

Fucking day. Every day.

I know I'm delusional, but God damn it.

Let's.

Get it. Let's get it. Look at this. Look at that. Fucking- Jesus.

Gorgeous. God damn it. The skin is so... Do you think that there's someone that knows I'm a little bit joking? But then everyone knows I think he's serious.

Yeah, they go, he's serious.

My teeth is what I'd fix. Gold fronts, Ederson, James. Edron? Gold, Edson.

Edron.

Edron. That's his name. I call him Edge. I get implanted all golds. Yeah.

That's tight. You should do it.

Fucking badass. Never have to brush again. You can.

Do it right now. Yeah, clean up the rest of the toilet with the gold fronts. At least put on the- Grilles? -get the piece, yeah.

We should get grilles.

It's very doable. For real? We're in Texas. Let's go hit the Palmao up. Palmao.

Yeah. I do it. Let's do it, man. Hey, great episode, Tom.

I love you. I love you, too, man. We'll see you guys.

Next week. The machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call two bears, one cave.