First kiss?7th.

Grade?7th.

Grade.open.

Mouth.oh, yeah. I only started open mouth. That was cool. That was cool. I was cool as fuck. Dude, I was ready to fuck. In seventh grade, I was dialed in to be a god.

A god. I don't want to sidetrack this. That is like Hitler.

A hundred %. We're We're back.

Thank you guys for listening. Thank you for watching. I know your health is getting better. How are you feeling today?

I feel fucking amazing. I feel fucking amazing. I'm so ready for that 10K. My hips don't work right now. 10k? 5k, 5K, 5K. I ran 3.2 miles in 32 minutes, roughly, today. Okay. So I have some work to do. But it's crazy how your brain works when you run because it is like being on a roller coaster. You just think clear thoughts. You ready? Yeah. Number one, I was listening to a podcast. Are you familiar with the Victorian Age?

I'm not well-versed in it.

Well, let me catch you up. Okay. The Victorian Age is when Queen Victoria became queen. She had her Jubilee Ball, which means she was queen for 50 years. I was thinking, comedians should get... We should do a quinceañera for comedians. When you get to 20 years, when you get to 30 years-You get a celebration. Yeah, there should be a celebration. We need to bring back the Friars Club. Yeah, man. We need aIt's a community again.

Yeah, it's fractured. Yeah.

Wait, were black people let in the Friars Club?

I don't know.

Because I don't remember a lot of black guys in the... I think it was an old Jewish man's thing.

It was like it's New York, right? It's New York. Yeah, I feel like that was the place. But I don't know if they excluded people. It was just like their friends. It was like...

I went to a club one time, one of those Soho houses for a meeting, and my manager showed up.

I went to the Friar's Club.

I've never been to the Friar's Club. Yeah, I would love to be in the Friar's Club.

Yeah, it was cool.

Is it dead?

No, it was in New York, and somebody took me there for a meeting because they belonged. Who? Like a business guy. It wasn't like an entertainment guy. Did you see any old-school dudes? No, they just have really cool old photos, paintings, mementos, and stuff like that.

Top five best old ethnicities.

Just as an ethnicity?

When you run into that ethnicity, white old is creepy. White Right? Old is like, there's some bodies under there.

Yeah, it's dark. Ironically, it's dark.

Old black men have to be number one.They're.

Really fun.They're hands.

Best. I just meant the stories they have.

No, they're hands. Old Black Hands. If I could get Old Black... Do you ever hear Stan Hope joke about... I can't do it. I'm sure he's put it out. About he hates old people. He hates old people, but he's getting old. That's like being a racist and slowly getting black. Stan Hope is so fucking funny.

Yeah, he's great.

Old Black Hands are number one. By the way, black men go gray. So good.

Well, they also... I mean, it's like an old cliché thing, but they just age better, man.

They just-They do. They do. Their stories are better. They slow down. Get me my nerve pills.

Yeah, there's dudes like... I mean, even someone like Eddie Murphy, isn't he like 60?

No.

Yeah.

Eddie Murphy's got to be... Oh, I guess.

Yeah, but you look at him and you're like, What?

Wait, Eddie Murphy's older than Mark Maron?

How old is he?

How old is Eddie Murphy? Mark Maron is older than Eddie-He's 62 years old. See how old Mark Maron is? Mark Maron is as old as Eddie Murphy?

Two years younger.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, that's white versus black right there.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

No offense, Mark. I'd much rather be Eddie. Yeah, well-I'm sure Mark would, too.

Yeah, I mean, you're not going to look like that at 62.

Okay.

I mean, you're not going to look like Eddie.

Top seat are black men, right?

They're up there, yeah. Okay.

Asian?

Sure, but I mean, Asian is pretty broad. Do you mean specific?

Footnote, 10 smallest dicks on the planet. Footnote that. I just learned the 10 smallest countries with the 10 smallest dicks.10.

Smallest countries?No.

The 10 countries, but they're actually large countries with the smallest of dicks. I don't think you're going to be shocked.Who did the research?I did the research last night. I love when my brain goes, who's got the smallest dick in the world?

Can I tell you something? This is a total a sidebar here. Seriously, so you You remember the thing we did yesterday?

Yeah.

Dude, your dick looked really nice. Thank you.

Thank you very much. I didn't even prop it up.I didn't even pump it.I know.Thank.

You so much. Were you feeling it?

Or is thatNo, I just regular old dick. I I almost pulled my dick out when Natasha took her shirt off. That's cool. Because I felt like a camaraderie when she ripped her shirt off. If you don't know, Natasha Ligero followed me at the improv and then ripped her shirt off.

You can find it online.

You can definitely find it online, her and Jason, Kelsey.

But I mean, You did some good hang.

Thank you. We have the same dick.Well.We do.

Wait, does yours get smaller than it was yesterday? Yes. Okay.

My dick at times-So there was decent weight to it yesterday? A little bit, yeah. A little I think it's the shoes I'm wearing. What do you mean? I'm wearing fancy shoes. I'm not wearing flip flops because it's raining. I think when I stand a little taller, my dick just goes, okay.It hangs a little lower.Yeah, I got you. My balls have My balls are nonexistent since testosterone.They've.

Been shrinking?They're.

Like a coin purse. I can't find them sometimes. I have to search for them. When you pick corn out of a salad because you don't like corn, that's how I feel eating my balls.

I do that with olives.

I'm on so many topics right now. This thing's kicking me in the dick. Really? Back to old men.

Back to this, and then we're going to do dicks.

Old men. Hold on. We never even finish Victoria and Age.

Yeah, We haven't gotten to...

Those kings, when they get old, look old as fuck. You don't want to be an old white man. No. I mean, I guess I do want to be an old white man, but there's a certain age where you're like, Oh, God. Old Cuban men have a good look.

Yeah, that's true. They have old Italian men, especially if they're from Milan or Naples. They just fucking... They care about what they look like. That's the thing. You got to care. I think white American aging men just throw in the towel. They just go like, Yeah, fuck it. It's over. If you have that mentality, then you're okay with looking like shit. For For some reason in those cities, they're just like, No, you take pride in your appearance forever.

I think, okay, you ready for this? This is going to be borderline racist.

Yeah, that's my favorite type. Go ahead.

I think old white men believe they deserve to be old white men. I think old black men are like, I can't believe I made it here.Wow..

That's actually very insightful.

So they really relish in it. Any old black man has beaten so many fucking odds in his life that when you see them and they're smoking a cigarette and they got to fucking drink in their hand, God damn it, man. Why isn't there a podcast, Two Old Black Men? Let's do it.

You want to produce one?

Let's get Two Old Black Men and just... Yeah, we'll produce it, and we'll give them topics.

What were the topics be?

I can't wait till Cam and Mace get old. Yeah, that'd be great. They're going to be... Because they're like, What? Okay, new subject. How old is he? Okay, at what age does a white man get old? And at what age do you consider a black man getting older?

That's a good question because a lot of white guys at 50 feel old. 55? 55, yeah.

Old.

But again, it's your outlook. It's the way you approach things.

It's culture. Black culture is a youthful culture. You look at Cameron, he still dressed as cool as shit and still has... He might consider himself an old head, but he's still a young dude.

He's probably, what, in his 40s?

He's got to be 48. How old's Cameron? God, if I'm older than Cameron, that's really sad that he wrote music that I connected to, and I was older than he was.He's.

47.47. Yeah.

He was a good-looking man.

Dude, you should rock exactly what he's wearing in that photo.

Okay.

Pink fur with a flip phone, diamond rings.

He got shot.

You could do that.

I wouldn't mind getting shot.

It'd be great press. It'd be badass. Yeah, it's a glass.

Like a nice shoulder wound or something. Then I still do the show. I'm not putting that out there. Don't no one shoot me.

Okay, yeah, don't do that.

All right. Asian men, old Asian men, like Mr. Miyagi. They seem like they be wise.

Wise, cool swag of like, I've lived, I know a lot of things. Also, they seem a lot more stoic than any other race.

Yeah. Okay. How about let's separate Whites. What about old Slavic men?Tough. Fucking hair coming out their nose and ears.

Yeah, they always feel tough.

gray, thick hair, dirty fingernails.

Yeah. You wouldn't say, I have a cramp in front of an old Slavic man. My calf's cramping.

They get baby arms and don't even notice it. They have ailments that they just go…

Yeah, you don't complain.

Old Hawaiian men?

Same. Like, tough. I feel like they're very tough.

Is white the softest race?

Well, Who's going to be softer than an old white? Or just any white? You're thinking of an American white.

Okay. Yeah, Canadian white's a little tougher. Cold as shit. Cold as shit, and they have to fight moose all the time. Do they? Well, they're always on... Moose or mees. Moose? Mooses? Yeah, I think-Mooses are everywhere. They're really everywhere. That's not mees. It's the moose. Yeah. Mooses are everywhere.

Mooses are Everywhere. Bears, elk.

It's amazing that people settled in Canada.

Remember I showed you that bear eating that guy's face? You can see it get stuck, and then it's like his nose goes flying off.

Ila and I were listening to... We listen to these survival podcasts when we drive her to school. The hardest I've seen this kid laugh, and it's your laugh, was the guy goes, So the bear attacked me, and I was trying to get my bearings and figure out what was going on. I looked down and I was trying to collect myself, and I realized, Oh, on the ground, that's my goatee.

Yeah.

I went and started laughing hysterically. It's his goatee.

His lips were on the ground. He was like, I picked up my ear and my lips and my face.

What the fuck? I don't want to be killed by an animal on my own territory. I want to be in their territory.

We're talking about two different videos, by the way. Yeah, One is a guy who's definitely dead. You're watching him die, and a sloth bear is-How does Instagram allow that? I don't know.

How do you get in it? I've gotten into a thread before where I wish I I would keynote the thread. I got into breastfeeding videos once, and I was like, There's one breastfeeding video, I think I might have shown it to you, where the kid creeps you out. He's stuck in his mom's tit, and he's a little too old. He winks at the camera.He's like, 11.He's like, 11. But I've been in breastfeeding videos. I've Have you been in the I really love a roast beef sandwich videos? Where the girl got her phone. She goes, I don't know.Oh, he drops it?And then drops it on her pussy. And then goes, I love roast beef sandwiches. Every time, the funnest thing is try to screen grab that moment and see the cooch. How can they allow... I've seen so many death videos on Instagram.

I wish one of them... You know how Joe has had... He had what's his name the guy that ran Twitter before and Jack Dorsey. Jack Dorsey. Yeah. It's like, why can't... I don't know. No one has asked Zuckerberg. I guess it's Zuckerberg, right? Because Metta owns Instagram. Why are we allowed to upload horrific deaths and watch them, but you cannot write a word or say a word.Makes no sense.It makes...

Or do a nice meat print.

I saw two disabled people on a scoot-scoot, like a meep-meep, and they're meeping across the street in the crosswalk, and a van just plows through them and they go flying, and you're like, This is my good morning from Instagram?

He needs to step up his fucking game.

Yeah, well, so that's fine. You just saw two people die, got hit by a van, disabled people. But then if someone's like, fucking Biden, I don't know. They're like, Hey, oh, mute that. Your account's to delete. What the fuck is the problem? It doesn't make any sense.

I've learned this in a speech in ninth grade. My dad gave me the verbiage, There's no distinction for their bias. There's no distinction for their bias. My speech was about lowering the drinking age to 18.

That's the drinking age in a few places, right? No. No, not in this. Well, in the States, it used to be in a couple of places. Really?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. When I was a kid, you could drink it in New Orleans at 18.

There you go.

I remember that. That was fucking great.

Then I think, isn't Mexico 18 or something? Places in Europe, I mean. Yeah. What are the drinking ages around the world.

What's the lowest drinking age? The majority is 18. There you go. The brain is still maturing.

15 in Mali and Central African Republic. Yeah. Wow. 15.

That's not a place you want to wake up hungover. Central Africa.

At 15.

You wake up with a wig on, you're like, Wait, what the fuck did I do? Is this a man's liver in my hand? Holy shit. Look at that.

Oh, God. Ours is so lame.

Russia's 18. All those are 18. Then what's the youngest?

It's 15, right?

15 in Africa?

Yeah, in Mali and Central Africa.

They live harder there.

Yeah, I would think so.

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Seven years old, and somebody gives you an AK-47?

There's a civil war going on.

No, it's fucking insane. Oh, my God. Well, tell us more about the Victorian era.

Okay, so you're going to like this a lot. So Queen Victoria is not supposed to be the queen. And then so many people die, she ends up being the coming the queen. She ends up slut-shaming her best friend. Not cool.Not cool. Not cool. And then the lady dies, and the whole country turns on her. So then she marries her cousin, Prince Albert, not to do with the thing in his cock. I think that's their kid. But Prince Albert, I love this. When they argue, he writes her a letter explaining why she was wrong, and then she has to write a letter explaining how she understood that she was wrong. She's the fucking queen. And then once he received her letter, he'd read it, and if he found it acceptable, he'd give a certificate of growth.

Really?

Fucking love it. I fucking want to bring that back so bad. She called him Daddy. Or no, she called him Master, and he called her-I like that. He called her Baby or something.

I was watching this thing about your guy, Hitler, and there's this- I thought you were going to say Winston Churchill. That was fascinating to me, which was that they so feared his cabinet, all the high-ranking guys, Himmler, Goebbels, all those guys, so feared, disappointing him or telling him bad news. They were so scared to give him bad news that towards the end of the war, when it was clear that they were losing battles, when he was like, How's that going in Poland and Russia? They'd be like, Great. And he's like, Are we making progress? And they're like, Absolutely. We just need to send some more supplies and troops, but it's going well. And they knew that they were losing, and they were so They were scared. They were just like, It's going very well. And their Air Force was completely collapsed, and they were like, Yeah, we just got to keep going.

It sounds like a lot of agents and managers. It does, though. When they're like, Everyone's ticket sales are low. Omaha is a tough market to break. It's true, though. There's so many people. There's agents, there's agents and managers.

Are Are they scared?

Are they scared of the Night of the Long Knives?

They're scared. You're right. It's true.

It's so easy to be a yes, man. It's so easy to be like, I would definitely be one of those Nazis. Do not isolate that audio. I would definitely be, do you think you'd have enough pushback to be able to tell Hitler? I would never. I'd be like, You're doing great, boss.

No, I think it's pretty clear that everybody was... There's a reason that they all were saying that. They were super scared. It was more like they weren't. I don't think they were scared of his physical violence or anything. They were just like, I can't be the one to deliver the real news to this guy that it's not going well.

I would love to have that power. I told you today, I had an idea for our poor Osos. Was it Himmler? It's probably already done. We've already done it. Hopefully, we've done it. Dressing up as a gim. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And man, I do not have a Himmler in my bed.

No.

I got a Winston Churchill.

Telling you.

You don't know how to read. That's what he told. The Queen Elizabeth had a third-grade education. She was a queen. Imagine. Winston Churchill had to be like, Okay, so you understand we own all these places, right? She was like, What does that mean? Really? Because at a certain age, they're like, You're going to be the queen. You're going to stop. You don't need to learn how to read more. Math is done. No algebra, no trigonometry. You need to learn how to curtsy and not make eye contact. That's what they teach them.

Then when complicated things came up, she was like, What's that all about?

Then she took it upon herself to try to learn, and it fucking creeped out all the dudes in parliament. They're like, What's this bitch doing? She's got an opinion. Elizabeth, curtsy to us real quick. Why don't you write a letter of apology, and we'll give you a certificate of growth? That is so fucking Why don't you start issuing those? I would love that.

You can.

No, we're the exact opposite.

What do you mean?

If Leanne and I fight, I figure out what I did wrong. Always. I always did. I wanted to talk to you about this. Put a pin in small sticks in the world. I had a moment of growth this morning. I stayed in bed beating myself up over me, about me, not liking me. I had a moment where I realized the time in life, two times in life that are very powerful in my moment in life. One was about shame, Because I never really... One was about joy. I'll go to joy. Shame's stupid. I think I've talked about it before. But there was a point in seventh grade, I was really cool. I was really cool in seventh grade, and I was really happy. I'm not a very deep person, so I don't think a lot about life. I was even less in seventh grade. Sure. I liked the clothes I wore. I liked my hair. I was on Varsity football, Varsity baseball, or JV football, JV baseball. I was a great athlete. I was hanging out with eighth graders. It's a big boost.It was a... I knew ninth graders. I remember this ninth grader let me drive his car.

In seventh grade, I was cool as fucking shit. I was happy as fuck. I was just always happy. I remember this girl said, The first girl I ever kissed, too. It was the best kiss of my life.

First kiss.7th grade?7th grade.

Best kiss. I kissed her four times.open mouth?Oh, yeah. I only started open mouth.

You started open mouth? I started. There was no like...

Fuck, no. I went after it.Nice.That was cool. That is cool.I was cool as fuck. Dude, I was ready to fuck. In seventh grade, I was dialed in to be a God.

A God. I don't want to sidetrack this. That is like Hitler. There's a lot of similarities.

Hitler had a lot of road bumps. That was an alcoholic.

Well.

He was Jewish. Then in seventh grade, he said to No one's this happy. You're hiding something. And I really wasn't. I was dumb. I was dumb. I was like Forrest Gump. I was really like... I don't know what she was saying. Then I realized all the cool kids had an issue. They had parents were split up or they were brooding. I watched cool kids brood, and I started to look for my brewing. I started to I look for my troubled. Then I remember being like, fake. It was a lie, but I'd be like, stuff like that because that's what they did.

To match their energy and like, Oh, you're doing this. I should do it, too. Yeah.

Then I started, and I think this is something I'm working to get through. My whole life, I started caring what people thought of me. I never cared what anyone thought of me.At that age?At that age. In seventh grade, I started caring. Eighth grade, I was really cool, but I could feel it falling apart because I was like, I wasn't being authentically me. Or at least when you think you're that cool, you're oblivious to the fact that you're not. You know? Yeah. Which is great. It's so fucking beautiful. My question to you is, when did you... Because you authentically don't care what people think about you.

That's not true. You do. No, of course I care.

No, you don't.

I care less Okay, let's go to the wrestlers.

When you got lit up, the wrestlers. Yeah. I remember... The way my brain works is, I may not like wrestling, but I would be afraid to share that because I wouldn't want to alienate someone who likes me because I'm afraid they wouldn't like me. And then I just start researching wrestling and try it.

Yeah, I think that, specifically, I could give you an insight on that. That's genuine. I genuinely thought they were retarded. When I did that, Hold on, hold on. And I was like, Who cares about these fucking I'm more than morons. Wait, wait, wait, though. But I think-I feel that way, too.

But I stop.

But here's why this is where I've I've evolved. Okay. This is where I've evolved. As I've aged the last few years, what I started to get was, I think, some perspective on this, where I started to realize that people who enjoy things that are not for me, I started to go like, Oh, I'm being an asshole. No, I'm serious. I swear to God. To me, this It was insightful. I go, I started to see how it's all the same. How it's literally it's all the same. It's just enjoying an NFL game and enjoying Disneyland and enjoying WWE, it's all the same. Hold on. It's all the same. It's all the same. It's just something that somebody goes, this gives me fulfillment. You can make arguments about the nuances, but those are like, it's a waste of energy. And I used to make that argument more. And now I see that whether you like hip hop and that's cool, or you like folk music, and that's not, it's the same. It's something that you're listening to that gives you joy or fulfillment. So I didn't really have that perspective. I would always just go like, now, that shit sucks.

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My perspective was I always envied those people. The people that- Everyone that had things, I envied. I envied Girls Who Cut.

Okay, wait.

Because I was like, They got something. I didn't have anything. Oh, yeah. I didn't have anything. I didn't have anything authentic that was me. I like football.

I was bummed that I couldn't smoke. In high school, when kids were smoking, I was like, Yeah, let me try. I would try to inhale, and I'd be like, and I would just go into a coughing fit. I was like, No, you got to pass it down. I couldn't do it. And so I was like, God, I wish I could smoke.

Were there people you identified as cool people, and you'd look at them from afar and stare at them and go, I wish I was like that?

Yeah, of course. For real? Yeah, but I think that happens in, especially the years you're talking about in middle school, high school. That's the thing is because you have the cooler kid, sometimes they're in your class, but especially an older kid. You're like, Oh, the way they dress, the way they carry themselves, the way they speak to people, the things they do.I.

Still do that. I still look at people and go... Like Jeselnick. I remember one time he just walked into the back bar. Jeselnick's got to be 37, right? How old is Jeselnick? I'm just saying he's much younger than me. He came back to the back bar, and he had a girl with them. She was really pretty, and he was just so cool. He just came back and he dapped me up and was like…Forty-five.Forty-five?Yeah. Jesus, he looks good.

Yeah, he's got a nice head of hair.

God damn, is it real? It's real, isn't it?

Looks like it.

That's fucking annoying.

I mean…

But he came back and he was just really cool. Or Freddie Gibb. Freddie Gibb, one time, came back and he was nice and he was cool. I'm a grown-up. I'm a grown-up. I mean, for lack of better words, I'm a becker words. I'm a successful grown-up. Theoretically, someone should be looking at me going, God, man, I wish I was that cool. But I'm sitting there going like, God.

Because I was thinking about what we were talking about, your enthusiasm when meeting anyone, And I remember, I don't know if I said it or not, when you were like, oh, but when you told me how I manage it well, celebrity. Is it real? Well, I think there's a reason why you think I manage it well. What's that? I don't give a shit about meeting them.

Yeah, I know that.

Well, right. I'm not putting on... I'm not being cool. I'm just like, I don't care that I'm meeting you.

Okay, so how How did you get to there?

But there are people that I would be-What happened to you that made you that person? There's people I would nerd out on. I think my window for who I get excited about is just much more narrow than yours. You said you get excited if you'd run into a TikTokeer that you've seen. Yeah. I would definitely be like, I might not even know who they are, probably.

I walked through one time, I don't know, I can't remember when this was, but I was in LA, and I walked through a hotel, and Dave Portnoy was at a table, and he stood up and was like, Bert. And I went, and I said to who I was with, Can you believe he knows who I am? And they were like, Yeah.

I'm like you in that, though.

I go, I can't believe Dave Portnoy, this billionaire, millionaire fucking media guy who really... He's like you, I think, because he does not give a fuck. He's like you. I want to be like that. I don't want to be like that, but I like who I am, but I'm trying to get to...

I think your enthusiasm in general is a really good quality. I think what you do is something you probably don't think is cool, but it is cool. Which is that you inspire other people that are adults to go, Oh, yeah, look how he's showing his... Because adults restrict their enthusiasm. They pull it, they rein it in because they're like, I don't want to... That's like a kid quality. But it's natural for you. So I would never want it to go away because it's who you are.

Okay, so we'll just dig a little deeper.

Okay.

And this is-Now, why?

Here's the deeper thing, too, that I thought about. I'm like, Why do you care to show the person who... I don't even think you're really that excited to meet that you're excited to meet them. That's the thing that I think about. Are you actually excited to meet all of these people, or are you You feel an obligation to show them?

No, it starts welling up in me. Really? Yeah, and I can't control it. Well, then it's who you are. I DM Shannon Doherty this morning.

Okay. What did you send her?

I don't know. I had Leanne reread it, It would write it for me.

Why did you DM her?

Because I'm following her journey through breast cancer, and it's super inspiring. But then you would... Okay, this is a great difference. You would see this. It's really fucking... First of all, I mean this for real. I am, at best, a casual Shannon Doherty fan. I'm not like... I don't have her posters up. I like the 90210. I didn't watch Which is of Eastwick, but I know it was a show. Sure. But I'm watching her tell her story about going through breast cancer, and now it's spread, and she's talking about her funeral, and she didn't want to have a funeral. But it's really brave. Then all of a sudden, I turn into this fucking diehard Shannon Doherty fan. Then I get a cup of coffee and a Zin in me, and I'm like, I got to DM her. You would never DM her. I don't even know what the fuck DM says, but I'm sure it's inappropriate.

You think it's inappropriate?

I'm sure you know the way I fucking DM, and you've read my DMs. I can't fucking... But that's something I would do is reach out, like randomly reach out, and then go I don't know. It overwhelms me. Let's go deeper.

Okay, let's go deeper.

You know, I've said this. I've shared this on a few places, but I have this thing of... I'm trying to get to, are these Are you conditioned to feel this way, or are these things that you can work through in therapy? Because it happened to you. This is a very crazy fucking moment of my life. I was 10 years old or 11 years old. Wrestling was really Figg and our group of friends. We were in the outfield. I'm sure I've told you the story. I was the youngest out there, and these guys were doing all the Met wrestling moves on me. I was just scared because I was the youngest kid. At one point, They pile, drive me, put me in a figure four leg lock, and a guy took out a pair of scissors. Have I told you a story? I don't think so. And he cut my hair. Now, I'm 11. I'm in the outfield. I really, honestly, was just like, I just don't want to get stabbed in the eye. I was just in survival mode. I was like, Hey, whatever. Oh, okay, that hurt. Oh, flip me down. Okay. They're doing wrestling moves to me.

I'm just trying to get the fuck out of there. I get in the car with my dad. I felt no shame in anything that happened out there. I got my hair cut. Not bad, but they cut... It's like a wrestling thing. My dad got in the car with me, and I was sitting in the front seat. I was oblivious. My dad goes, They cut your fucking hair? I was like, Oh, yeah. And he goes, Weren't you humiliated? How the fuck could you let them do that? And then I felt shame. Yeah, sure. Then I felt shame. I didn't feel it. I was like, Fuck it, dude. Let's just survive. And then in that moment, I was like, Fuck. And then that has stuck with me my entire life. And it's a mantra that I've said. When Ari drugged me, it was the, You think I'm weak. Because in my life, I'm always just trying to not stir the boat. I don't like confrontation, so I don't want to stir the water. I just go, I don't want to stir the pot. It's a fucking nine things different. But I don't want to stir the pot.

I don't want get into it. There have been people, you know, specifically, who have wronged me that I will tell you privately, I will go off on. But I would never, I would easily accept their apology, and I would easily move past it, as opposed to me then standing up for myself and going, No, fuck you. That apology, you fucked me. I won't accept. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I think, first of all, the first thing you said was like, Is this something you I'm going to work through in therapy? My question was, have you talked about this in therapy before? Yeah. Because I feel like it's something that is perfect for it.

But it's almost like, I want to say, you get taught it as a child, and then all of a sudden, you get into these self-fulfilling prophecy, where in a weird way, I don't know if it's like, if you seek those people out and you surround yourself by people.

Oh, I see what you mean.You know?

And then I go, had, and look, my dad was an amazing He still is an amazing dad. He gave me a lot of great qualities. I have to say that only because that makes it sound like a bad dad. But he told me, You kill it under pressure, which I don't know if it was real or not, but I love pressure now because of that. And so all of a sudden, I love pressure. I love being put in a pressure situation. I love getting a big long read in front of a lot of people and doing it live. I love that shit. I love it because my dad taught me at a young age, whether it's real or not, when all the chips are on the table, that's when you perform. But at the same time, I got the shame shit. Then in a weird way, just like I sometimes seek out pressure, I wonder if I seek out those bad people. I'm trying to get to like, I would love, I don't want to lose who I am and start not getting excited by people, but I would love a little bit of not giving a fuck.

Because I think when you give too many fucks, all of a sudden, you don't even know what is real anymore.

I guess, this is very deep, but do you think you Do you think you really give a fuck about some of this stuff, let's say meeting these people, or is it that you feel almost like this, I need to do this for them? I feel like when I'm with you and I see you interact with people, it's almost like an extension, like a kind thing you're doing. I'm going to make this person feel great about whoever they are and what they like. Because you always are showering the person with like, oh, my God, you're amazing. And that's actually a nice thing to do for them. It makes them feel like, Oh, wow. You know me from this? You know me from that? It's almost like maybe you want that reciprocated, too. You're balancing it out.

You're telling them-Maybe I'm doing that to get it back.

Maybe. I don't know. But I also feel like what you're saying about seeking out... I mean, you would have more insight on it from your life But it doesn't seem like you're somebody that seeks out these people that will be abusive or confrontational.

Yeah, but I could name three solid bullies in my life that I've-But current? No, not right now.

That's what I'm saying. It's like, some of this is also like an evolving life process.

But like, okay.

Because I've been around a bully that you've been around before, too. But it's like... Two of them. But you've moved on.

I have moved on.

I have moved on. I would say that if that were a thing, it'd be like-That took me a long time, and you know that.

There was a period of times where you wouldn't answer my call because you're like, I know what this is about. That's not true. I know there was. I know there was.

I know there was. But I'm saying that-I remember hearing you exhale one time when I started, and I was like, I'm doing this too often. I don't think so. But I'm saying, wouldn't you commend your sofa the fact that I just asked you who's like that now? And you're like, Well, there's nobody like that now. So that's like-I'm pretty insulated, though.

I've gotten pretty insulated. I'm a little bit like Hitler. I'm pretty insulated.

There really are so many similarities between you and him. But yeah, you have your own bubble, right? Yeah. That you travel with, but then everybody does. Also, it's not like just you.

Yeah.

Do you think you're making yourself feel too safe?

Isdo you feel... Because ultimately, you've gotten these same people that I would say that were... I'll use bully as a broad term. Yeah. I think they leverage your friendship into unhealthy places. Is that the fair way to say it? Sure. But you've been friends with these exact people, too. I was always like, I felt like I was drawn to them. You were around them, too. You've distanced yourself. But you've distanced yourself in like, you were the first one to be like, Fuck that guy.

Yeah, because I think it's normal in life to run into toxic people. That's just part of life. There's part of life. If you are participating in life, society, friendships, business, you're going to meet some bad-What people do you gravitate towards, do you find, where you go, You know what?

Where's your hiccup? Where's Where's the thing? I want to find the broken part of you.

Oh, come on. You know what's broken about it.

I know the broken parts. But what's the thing where you go, How come I always have fucking?

I mean, I've gotten so much better at this thing, which is I used to feel a certain way and be unhappy with somebody, whether it's personal or professionally, and I just suck it up. And I just go, I guess that's what I deserve, right? And the difference now is right away When I go, Oh, man, this sucks, personally or professionally, I just go, I'm not going to do this. So it's really like, if you want to strip it down to its basics, it's acknowledging that you feel a certain way and saying it, as opposed to going, Man, I feel this way, and I'll just keep feeling this way. That's what I do. Well, but that's the work, right? Because I don't know that that comes... I don't know if it's fair to say that that comes completely naturally to anyone. I think it's learned or taught and worked on. I had to work on it.

Did Push help you see things?

Yeah, she's good because she's done a lot of work in that regard, too.

She's really good. I feel like she's done more work than... Her and Leanne have done more work than me and you have done.

But I mean, for me, I would say I credit also. It's great that she definitely would observe more observe me than whatever my situation is. She's like, Well, you're clearly feeling this way. But I also would say that therapy. That's why I brought... I think therapy is fantastic. Yeah. That's why I would... When you're saying all these things, I'm like, this just is perfect for you to dive.

But to dive-I wonder if people are listening and going like, Oh, yeah.

There's definitely people relating to this. You think so? A thousand %. A thousand %.

Do you think everyone's listening is going, Get to the 10 smallest dicks?

A few people are for sure. They're mostly guys.

We should do 10 smallest dicks. I have the list. Okay.

I have the list. This is by Nation? Yeah. Okay.

I bet you could guess five without even doing any fucking thought process.

Kenya, Nigeria, South Africa, Sierra Lea. Noop. Noop. Okay. Hold on.

Let me go to my all my cloud.

You got the list up?

Yup.

It's Basically, it's... You're telling me that the stereotypes are basically correct. That's what you're saying.

The only one that's curious is why North Korea and South Korea aren't next to each other.

They're different on their... Wow.

I know. 10 smallest dicks, number 10. Is it-You ready for this? Yeah. At 4.3 inches, average.

Okay. Is that flaccid or erect?

It's erect. It's not flaccid. No one measures a dick flaccid.

No, they do. Who? If you look up average dick size, they'll go flaccid, erect.

Oh, these have to be erect. Okay. They have to be erect. Okay. And by the way, this is the size of mine, flaccid.

10, number 10? Number 10?Number 10.

Which is?

4.3 inches. It's an island.

Okay. It's an island. Is it... Oh, okay. Philippines.

This should be a game show. Fuck, yeah. Why isn't there a game show called Stereotypes? Where you go, Guys, we're going to play a game. We need you to be the most horrible version of yourself to win money.

Here's how you do it, too. You don't try to pitch it to a network. You just put it on Instagram or TikTok or something.

You have three ethnicities all playing for money. So they've got to be...

4.3, though, is number 10. Now we're going to get smaller.

We're getting smaller. Okay. It's also 4.3.Oh.

It's a tie.It's a tie. Give me a hint like you did in the last one. South Korea. Okay.

Okay, because by the way, I don't know what North Korea... I guess maybe it's their food, but North Korea is not even... We haven't even mentioned North Korea yet.No.

We haven't.No. South Korea, and then-What's the length of number 8?

This is 4.1 inches.

Okay. Any hint?

Two words.

Two words.

It's going to be a It's a tough one.

Oh, it is?

It is. But only when I say it, you'll go, Oh, yeah, that is an Asian country.

Okay. Just give it to me.

Sri Lanka.

Oh, Sri Lanka, okay.

Sri Lanka at 4.1 inches. They're getting smaller. Okay.

Number 7.

Your dad ran into a lot of these people.

Vietnamese?yup.wow. And what's that length? Four inches.

Four. The average Vietnamese cock is four inches long.

Okay.

It wrecked. And then your dad probably stepped on a few of these people, too.

Japanese? No.

North Koreans? No. They didn't know border lines at the time.

Chinese?

No, that's not even close to Vietnam. Where? Your dad was in Vietnam, and then they were like, Go left. And he was like, Fuck, I think we're in Laos. Laos? Laos. Laos. Good call. Laos is, yes, 4 inches. Coming in at number 5, there was like, Okay, this is how little I know about history and how much I know about history. There was a huge A huge ethnic cleansing here.

A huge? Oh, Polpot?

No. What? Miramar.oh, Jesus. Miramar at 4 inches. Okay. All these are 4 inches. We're getting into the 3 inches now. Okay. Let's just say they're not carrying a lot of cock up to Everest. Nepal. Nepal at 3.9 inches.Wow.I know, right? Okay, your dad definitely killed some of these people, too. And by the way, if he made a cock necklace, it would be pretty small at 3.8 inches.

3.8? Where? I don't know where else he went.

Because they were all over the map.

I mean, they were in Okinawa.

Wait, what was he doing in Okinawa?

Just It was raining.

It was a baser. Oh, really? Yeah. So he goes into Vietnam, he goes into Laos, and he's like, Oops, I'm in...

Oh, God.

I don't know.Cambodia.Cambodia.Yeah, he took a boat up there.That's cold pot. Okay. Okay, now, you ready for this? Yeah. Number two at 3.8 inches. Jesus.

Is this the North Koreans?

North Koreans.Wow.I think it's their food shortages.Makes their dick smaller.I think so. It's crazy that he would allow them to measure their cocks and submit this.

No, I know. Because they would probably be like, His dick is fucking 15 inches long. I would love to see his dick. I think it'd be pretty obvious, but it's not going to surprise you.

I would fucking pay. Dear Kim Jong Un, do not ever drink with me because if you pass out-I'm looking at your cock.I'm looking at your cock. I'm looking at your cock. I'm taking pictures of you with your cock. I'm fucking flicking it.

Do you realize, by the way, of this whole list, even before you end it, that it's an unfortunate stereotype, and I guess, reality. But like any group, there has to be guys in each of these countries with fucking hammers on Yeah. And how baller that is.

I think it's the ones that move to America.

But there's got to be just some dude, a few, a Cambodia, a Vietnam, Laos that are like- This is the beauty of the Internet. Wouldn't you love if they wrote in to the show and they were like, Hey, man. My name is Tine Tang, or whatever, and I got a fucking 10-inch dick.I.

Would love pictures.I would love pictures, and I won't share. I just want to see it. If you are-I do, too. By the way, if you're North Korean, Definitely send us a picture of your cock.

And if you're on the list.

If you're on the list, and coming in at number one.

Hint, give me the hint. First of all, what's the size?

3.7. Okay. And all I'll say is it makes sense why you'd have sex with a ladyboy.

Thailand.

Thailand. Wow. So now let's go to the internet and see the biggest Thai cock we can find. I want to see a big Thai cock. By the I'm not saying I have a big dick. In this whole measurement, I do not have a big dick, but it's bigger than 3.7 inches. All right, picture. It's a ladyboy.

Of course.

Oh, fuck. Oh, it's all lady boys.

How about you just type in big Asian dicks?

Yeah, big Asian dicks, and we'll just say they're from Thailand.

Because there's got...

Oh, of course, he's covering in tats. Look at this fucking guy.Look.

At that A fucking hammer on that guy.Holy shit.

Fuck, yeah. Extremely big Asian dick.

You imagine, though, you're a girl and you're like, Well, yeah, I know it's not going to be great. And then this fucking guy shows up.

Dude, you could run the country.

Yeah, you should.

Look at that fucking guy. The guy that looks like he's from fucking Bloodsport.

The guy squatting? Yeah. It's hard.

Sultry rooftop encounter. Young Asian guy with big dick, super fat what?

Head or something. I I don't know.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah. Or this right here. Man, these guys should run the world. You know what you are? You're shooting stars. You're outliers.

You're outliers. You're Malcolm Gladwell. Those two Asian guys fucking.

Yeah, we can't tell if it's big because it's buried in his ass. Look at these fucking hogs. How fucking big is that?Hog. On the left there with the T-shirt up?

Dude, I got to see his face. What? He looks his skin color. That's not photoshopped? Can you zoom in?

He's got Five countries' averages tied together.

He's got big, thick Asian dick.

Jesus Christ. Holy fuck.

What the fuck?

Fuck.

Okay, no, no, no, go to more Asian dicks.

Yeah.

No, no, no, don't chat with them. No, go to the thing. Go to that page. Now, click out of that. Now, scroll down.Okay, this is the normal Asian dick.That's like a normal Asian dick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

By the way, that little boy right there, let's What? Okay, never mind.

All right, back up.

This guy right here to the right, that's probably a four-inch dick. It doesn't look bad.

No, it doesn't look bad at all. It does not look bad.

They call that boyfriend cock. Boyfriend cock? That's What's it called? The Girls call it. What's that supposed to mean? It means it's like you can still do stuff after. It's not going to ruin your day. That dude from fucking Blunt Sport is fucking your day up. God, and his pubic hair is straight.

Yeah, that's... Honestly, that looks like a dick that should be in a museum, right?

It doesn't even look like it's been touched.

Back out to the other search before. Honestly, that looks like a dick that should be in a museum, right? It doesn't even look like it's been touched. Back out to the other search before. Who's this guy with the boxers right here? Look at the fucking-where, where, where, where. On the second row, three from the right. This guy.

Yeah.

What the fuck is that?

Dude, the thick Look at his expression, though.

That guy's an asshole. You can tell he knows. He walks around all day like everyone thinks I have a fucking little skinny dick in here. You know? He does. He's like, Nobody knows I got a fucking arm.

He's walking around the chess tournament. Just like, fuck.

What is it next to? Is that like a bottle of shampoo?

Yeah, I think so. It's a bottle of lotion, hand lotion.

He's like, It's wider than this one. Man.

God damn.

Well, if you're one of these guys, write in, let us know.

We love breaking stereotypes. We got a new game show coming out called Stereotype That. It's like, did you ever see the video?

Do you think if you had a dick like that, you would have even ended up in comedy?I don't think you would.No..

No, I think that goes back to all the things that add up to me. I said to Leanne today, I swear to God, I was on the toilet. Okay, thank you. I said, I want to see some ladyboy dicks.

Okay.

I had someone on stage the other night made It made real sense about, I think it might have been, I don't know who it was, but about watching trans porn. So wait, you get a dick that big and you decide to transition? Fuck. I can understand transitioning with a small dick. But if you have a big dick, why do you transition?

That first one is insane. That's insane.

That's an insane dick.

I wonder how much... Because of what's going on in your... The sensory overload of looking at her face, if she's with you and you're like, No way, and then all of a sudden you're like, I don't know, I guess I was just jerking her off. I don't know what happened.

I don't know. I've never jerkt off a female. No. But I wonder if... Say Leanne dies in a helicopter crash. I wonder if in when I start exploring my...

That's pretty thick.

Fuck.

Then that smile, too, is what's really upsetting. You know what I mean? You look up and you're like, Ah, shit. Fuck.

I wonder if I start dating, if I just go like... Because I'm 51. Who gives a fuck? I wonder if I go, Why not? Leanne's dead. The love of my life's gone. Why not fuck a ladyboy? Yeah. What do I care what people think? No. We already covered that. I do care what people think.

Are you going to put it on fucking Instagram?

You know I'd tell you about it.

Yeah, but I mean, I would give you a high five. Yeah. I'm not going to make you feel bad about it. For real?

No. If I fucked a Thai lady boy.

I'd be like, That's cool.

Yeah. But then you'd be like, and then I'd leave the green room and you'd be like, You know who did I fuck?

Yeah, I'd be like, No. I'd be like, Bert's badass, dude. He was crushing lady boys on that trip.

Can I tell you how mean I am?

When he went to Spreader Ashes, he ended up fucking all these lady boys.

Tell me if this snagged you in the hangover, too, when Ed Helms gets fucked in the ass by a lady boy, and then he comes inside him.

Yeah. I couldn't get past it. Yeah. Oh, I finish inside you. That's right. He's like, Oh.

I was like, What are those things? Where I was like, You got to tell your wife. If you cheated on her with a girl, you'd have to tell her. The dude fucked you in the ass, came inside you.

He came inside you, yeah. Would you tell me that if that happened to you?

If someone came inside me? If a lady boy did. If someone came inside me, I'd definitely tell you because I'd be like, Dude, I just got came inside. It's crazy. I would tell you someone came inside me before I told you it was a lady boy. Really? Oh, yeah. I'd probably tell them hand in hand. I'd tell you I came inside and then look at your face, and then the reveal is, Don't worry.It was a lady boy.It was a lady boy. It wasn't just a dude. I'm not gay.

No. I could see you partying and having it happen and you being like, I don't know, dude. I don't think it really counts.

Where you wake up out of a blackout, you're like, Oh, what the fuck?

Yeah, just like that, just like in the movie.

My problem with having sex with a ladyboy It would be that... Cock? No, no, no, no. Who's dominant? If she was like, Suck my cock. And by the way, I'm saying ladyboy because it would be happening in Thailand. I should say a trans person. But I don't think I'd fuck a trans I'm a trans person, but I could see that happening in Thailand. Yeah, okay. Just you're on vacation. Yeah, it's fun. You're like, fucking...

Having cocktails, sun's out.

You've been to the Four Floors of Horrors, right? Mm-mm. Okay. There's a place in Taiwan Taiwan?

Or Thailand?

Have I been to Taiwan?

I think you've been to Thailand.

I think I've been to Taiwan. There's a place called the Fourth... Singapore. I have been to Singapore. They have the Four Floors of Horrors. The first one is just fucking... No, the first one is strippers. Then the fourth floor is all lady boys. That's what they call them. I'm using their terms. I could see drunk, especially with a bunch of dudes. I definitely grab a dick. Yeah, I've been there. There you go.

Oh, there you go. I'm at the fourth floor.

fourth floor is a horse.

Yeah.

Those are not horrors. I think that's the promoter.

Was this doing gigs?

Yeah, I was doing stand-up, and then they were like, Hey, do you want to go out? I was like, Yeah, where? They're like, Do you like strip clubs? I was like, I fucking love strip clubs. They're like, You want to go to the four floors of whores? I was like, Absofucking lootly. Then they were like, This first floor is... Google what the four floors of whores are. I highly suggest it to anyone. It's an abandoned mall. You know how in our country, when a mall goes south, it just sells sneakers and jerseys? Yeah. Well, in their country, they turn it into whorehouses.

That's pretty cool. Yeah.

The top floor is all lady boys. I was like, Go straight there. That's all I want to see.

Okay.

It's Orchard Towers, and it's an old mall. They've got a sunglasses hut, but then there's just whores in there. And then they got a Yankee Candle, but there's just whores in They got that Lids, but there's just whores in there. It's a fucking-What does it say, the drop-down?

Does it say what the four floors are? No, it doesn't. I guess you could say what?

One's like, you can straight get jacked off.

Cool.

They got massages, and you can get jacked off. Cool. They were like, Do you want that? I was like, No. I'm not cheating on my wife. I want to just fucking see this.

The first The strip club, we... I don't know. That looks like the strip club level, right?

They definitely knocked a couple of drinks out of my hands because I was taking drinks from everyone. What do you mean? They're like, Dude, stop it. Because I'm also walking around with a Rolex. I'm not the best fucking traveler.

Okay.

I was walking around with fucking cash in my hand. I was like, Pacman Jones in the Four Floors are horrors. Yeah. I was like, I want to see Cox. I was like, I can go to a strip club and see Tits. It's cool. It's fun. But if you're telling me I can go and see fucking gorgeous chicks with hogs on them, I'm like, I'm looking at that. I didn't travel to fucking Singapore for nothing.

Totally, man. Well, Four Floors of Horrors, man. You guys know, Singapore. Fantastic.

Burt.

Burt's given... Is this it? Orchard Towers?

Orchard Towers.

Okay. That's known as the Four Floors of Horrors. Okay. Overview. History. Let's see. Double murders. Okay. All right. That's cool. All right. Well, I think that's a good place to end on. This was a good episode. This was fun. This was a good talk.

It was a little deep.

I liked it.

I like it. I like these conversations. I know that I can listen to a podcast sometimes, and I'll be like, I'll get into it. Sometimes, Theo share things about his recovery or stuff like that. It's very heartfelt. I was like, and I can enjoy it, so I hope everyone enjoyed the conversation. I'm sure they did. Pinpoint your trauma. Try to be more like Tom. Be less like me. Unless you're drinking, then be just like me, and do not be like Tom. Remember, drink Porosos.

Porosos. Make friends. Bye, guys.

Bye. Love you. Love you. Bert and Tom. Tom and Bert. One goes to the top as while the other wears a shirt. Tom tells stories, and Bert's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call Two bears, one cave.