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Let's start to show you this, is it fair to bear? No one came in looking good, looking good. He's burned. Krischer, I'm sorry. Just put the pedal to the metal. Is a perfect way to start off the show. About 12 years in the making. It's going to be a fucking shit show, but everyone's going to get a hundred percent.

Guinea is a vile slur when you talk about because what they're doing, like when you say that repeatedly, you're basically you're calling Southern Italians, which is that we're by the way, hold on.

I did not say this, but you said it. But, you know, it's so funny.

I almost I, I, I've been curious I'd be curious to know the most horrific thing I've ever tweeted, like it would be that could be discovered. No, I've checked mine.

I've checked my timeline. It's not that bad because I work for Travel Channel the entire time Twitter was on. So I was pretty good about not. Did they ever call you about a tweet?

Are you fucking kidding me? Do I got brought into our office. I got brought into the president's office and you didn't see it like I do.

Purposely vile things on your Twitter is almost like you're unaware you could get in trouble for it.

I got a one of my good friends was like is a director. And he goes, you know, you were up for this, like, easy money campaign because I said I wanted you to be the guy.

And I was like, oh, great. He was. Yeah.

And then corporate has a rating system that they put people's social media through. And it basically has it it's a it's a color coded system. So they go like if somebody, you know, we want to hire Burt, check out his social media, then they do. They go like it's blue and that means blue means like he's good to go. Oh, I would love that. I would love to find out where I'm rated. And I was like, what happened with me?

He goes, Well, you came back with like a fire engine red. I was like, what does that mean?

He does not like you. We can't forgive it.

We can't for real. Yeah. He goes like just corporate wise.

He goes, corporations would. We'll stay away from you.

Well, you remember you remember when you when Twitter first started, you just do videos of yourself shiting.

Yeah. I bet. But more specifically with diarrhea and it was sound and everything.

Yeah. I remember being, I remember being on my.

You want to know something. I didn't know that people were writing to me for a long time. I didn't know where the ads were. I was like, no one sees this.

You are, you were, you were just the push notification. You were never pulling from anyone.

Well, I was like, how come no one ever writes to me? And then somebody was like, have you hit this button? And I so I was like, oh, they are seeing me. Shit, I got to sit harder. No one theory if mentions in the woods.

Yeah.

Oh I remember being on the toilet and watching you shit and then thinking that is a good angle, I'm going to shoot. So I recorded myself shitting and I posted it to you going like tit for tat or quid pro quo.

And within two minutes I got a call from Travel Channel really within I hadn't left the bathroom and they're like and they were like, oh, that down immediately. And I was like, huh, why? I didn't know people were seeing them either. I was like, what I did. They the big thing was you go into type in horrible words, that's what they do with Kevin Hart when they you just type in Kevin Hart and then type in any slur and then they just all show up.

So that's a super easy way to check.

So if you type in, go to a Twitter bot, go to Twitter.

Oh, wow, this is going to take a fucking while. Nadav texts like he has lobster claws for hands. Yeah.

Like he's like, OK. And so go to search and just do Bert Krischer and now type in a horrible word of. Go ahead and out of that, you're not going to find people pulling their bed. Yeah, surprisingly, he didn't call him. Wow. Wow. Those are all from recent two. Wow.

That's a beautiful young lady that wrote that. Really? Look at that. That's crazy. Where of the top would there be squirt B squirts?

Not a beautiful young lady who is by the way, we're giving B squirt a shout out for typing in the most horrible thing you can say about Jewish people.

Look at this. Look at this. Honestly expected, Oritsejafor, I mean, OK, go ahead, keep going. This is a fun game, it Nazi, although there's going to be millions of Nazi.

This is stupid. Oh, that's terrible that I'm there in the Nazi. The first one that comes up. You guys talking about Nazis? Yeah, OK.

I read that as a hot Nazi. That's you wrote that. Yeah, but that's interesting that know. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on for me. Another one for me.

No, no, no. Hold on. That's a good one because I'm dyslexic. That reads I read that as hot Nazi and I was like, sure, I guess why not? Because Colin Hanks wrote, If the choice is between Nazi and not Nazi, I'm going to say I would not Nazi every time, but I read it as Nazi.

I'm like, well, why wouldn't you how would you feel about a hot Nazi?

What if it was a what do you mean that is a genre of porn?

Hot Nazis. Of course, I haven't seen any Jew. The girl that did flying dildos to me, the blonde chick looked like a hot Nazi. I remember that woman just type in hot Nazi.

Yeah. Let's see some hot. And then speaking of porn, let's talk about your birthday wishes. How great was that was the funnest.

You know, I had a different angle for that. Is there anyone that starts like in uniform, though?

Type in not just that's all kind of looks like don't put in hot. Not specific. I try not not it's like a redundant just type of Nazi.

Yeah. Nazi porn. Because we did find Hitler porn before I made your, uh, what is that gorilla?

I don't know, sounds like you're being racist again, not I am not. This is a porn site there. Hold on. What is that?

And there is Hitler right there. I just. That's not right. That's an animal, right, isn't it? Hold on. What was that thing? Nadaf.

Um, what the fuck is that cause? By the way, um. All right, let's get back to fucking Nadav. Yeah, so that was a quick thing to go through, go through your texts and see and type in a horrible word type, insert in text and see who's written that word the most. That's interesting.

I see. Yeah, I'll do the word everyone's thinking of and see what comes up. Which one did you Mexican? If you type in Birte Mexican. I was drinking with this guy, new broadcast oh, it brings up every time I typed in night, I guess I spell it all the way out. So. Oh, it's good. Good night.

Oh, you're not Mexican slur, he always goes where he feels the Jew is not a slur.

What is that one? Why did you write The Jew stole the show?

No. Why is that? What's that all about?

It's a few years old, so maybe there's a story here. No, no. What's going on there? They make that bigger out there. So it got into my account deleted. What's this here, though, is the Jew crew.

The Jew crew is a band that played at Georgia's George Choir concert, and they were fucking awesome.

Did you give them that name? No.

Yeah, well, that's what they looked like. Yeah, that was their name. They called themselves like the crew or the Jew crew, and they got a big laugh. And then I put it out there.

And then one day people say, I said I thought Coca-Cola was created by Santa Claus, followed your. What the fuck is that got these old ones are horrible. What is the wire? She said what? He says, my agents talk about the krischer. Is he the Giambrone Jew or intelligent in the comedy? That's what the Irish people think about these are old. Yeah, that's so funny. You talk about flies with calm and cool Jews in Hollywood and blowjob.

That was a fun topic.

That was the coolest Jews in Hollywood. Like the like like the ego, not the social subjects.

Like the really cool ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was blasphemy. Who were the coolest Jews? Adam Sandler. Yeah.

Like he made like he was one of the first guys to make like that Hanukkah song.

Yeah. I heard it in. You were like, God damn it, I wish I was Jewish. Right. Because he was like Rod CARU not a Jew.

Right. Today, I learned that light skinned black people are more sensitive. I did not. Oh, God, I did write that. I did write that. I did OK. OK. Jesus Christ.

Can we. This is a horrible fucking game. I think you actually. Can I tell you the craziest thing that here's one you wrote, if you like Kid Rock comedy and black people, you'll love this week's broadcast. Wow, I put these in context, keep going. This is horrible. What is this? Oh, my God, I don't even know. This is 2010.

OK, watching the Westminster Kennel Dog Club show, not a lot of black people. And by a lot I mean any.

That's me trying to write a joke. Yeah. Which is pretty accurate.

OK, wait, scroll back up to Joey Diaz wrote, If you think black people talk in movie, they go to prison for a few months, you ain't seen nothing.

Hold on.

This is that. Oh, my God.

This is this. By the way, this is what I'm sure they have hired some of the Travel Channel to do for me. And this is before it was cleaned up. Like I like my initial Twitter, my first tweet or whatever. That was all just it was like it was almost like throwing a rock into a pond.

You were like trying to get anyone noticed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so that's why a lot of people like the the what's her name.

Someone I won't say her name. Someone was very vocal about. I don't remember their name. I feel bad for her. But she got there was someone who got lit up and was like Yeah.

Who know you tweeted the things and they were horrifying and you were like, those are pretty aggressive. But yeah, you do that in your tax.

You that I typed in the N-word in my emails because I was like when the Sony thing came out and you saw what people were emailing each other. Yeah. I was like, I don't really email that much. I don't even read my emails. And so I typed in the N-word and it came up a bunch and I was like, motherfucker, why did it come up so much in your book?

I wrote it in my book. It's written in my book. And so I had to. And so I emailed it. Excerpts of my book. Oh, I got yeah, it was in my book and I was like, oh thank God.

And then my wife was like, that's not good.

You publish the N-word like you didn't just write an email, you published it. And I was like, Oh yeah, this is like the manifesto. You were right. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, wait.

Typing Tom Sagara been thing. I want to talk about Sagara. Let's go through Tom's search history, Tom Sagara and then give me the hard one. Typing in spell it.

He wants at times. Sagara Yeah.

I think we might be editing.

Why would you do that. They don't call it that. Well, it's the first time after time cigarroa last night, I watched the fat lady call Filipino lady the N-word, then go to the cops that she was harassing her. Oh, and by the way, this is just two bears, one cave.

Great. Too many sees Jesus.

No one's no one's ever written a hate filled email to their neighbor. They're going to call him that. No, no, no, you had it right. That's OK. Not like Spock there. You sound like my mom type in the hard one, let's see if we get let's type in its chart and start to write our night, spell it out for me. Spell it out for me.

Type in that one and see if that comes up. That's that's the buzz word. No, just type in the fucking word. If you type in the word, you're not racist. You won't even type in the word, is that how woke you are? Oh, by the way, that's also a hate word, no. Hey, can you please see what your fucking employee is doing right now? He won't type in the word with an ERP typesetter with an A.

So it seems acceptable. We're not using the word Nadav. You're simply seeing if that word has ever been used in a tweet with Tom, let's say.

There you go. Oh, yeah, I've seen that one.

I've seen that video. Has Tom ever used it in a tweet?

That's what we're at because we're going to delete it before anyone. Oh, no, but.

Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. These are all by people saying it in tweets to you. Yeah, like what is happening with me in their. What is that? Well, what is it? In reply to. We got bored, so we're not doing anymore. Oh, when I was just joking with someone. Wow, he's joking too. Yeah, he's joking to get the fuck out, OK.

God, it's so hard to troll. The ability of these there is in is through the fucking roof. And that's like that. We were kind of talking about this earlier.

But that's what's insane about your mom's house, is that I just lose my breath for a second.

Yeah.

The the the blood pressure controllability of your mom's house would like to Garth Brooks with the it's it's I've never really quote unquote trolled entirely. But, man, it's.

What is that 1218 that's a joke for me, OK? Yeah, you can read it, I took it. I'm not going to say it out loud. I took Ambien last night and nothing brain just shut off totally sober now.

And the Jews run the banks because I think I did Chinese stab you in the back.

That's a great joke.

Yeah. All right. Fucking twenty one up now. That's good. That's a great joke.

Yeah, that's a great joke. You know the joke.

What's your most what's your most retweeted. Can you find that on there in the those way to have an hour to.

We can find it used to be like jokes and then the most liked thing I've ever tweeted was a couple of days ago when I just wrote, Hey, what the fuck at that meme of Chris D'Elia plus me equals Big Ed from before the 90 days that went crazy.

That was a good one. I saw that and I was like, that is what they look like, dude, that thing got.

There look, one hundred and forty three thousand. Wait, let me see if you go to if you go to my yes, I wrote, Hey, what the fuck. Oh my God. 140, 3000 likes. Likes.

Yeah, and it's just Chris plus me equals that guy.

Holy shit. That is so funny. That is what you guys would look like if you combined. Yeah. That guy's for 11.

Yeah, he is for 11.

It's very short, it's pretty short, it's a foot shorter than the bagel guy die, I don't know. I hope so.

What year did the big time at all? I think he had a stroke and died.

Well, you look up angry bagel guy will be back in half an hour. Oh, he had a stroke.

That was last year. Oh, yeah, he had a stroke. But this is November twenty nineteen.

Well, it's a while ago but was. No, that was the other month. Okay, look up. Just see if I just do bagel guy, you know.

Just see there any news bagel guy who's the bagel?

Can you imagine that's the crazy part is there's a lot of really angry people holed up in their houses right now until November.

He's not that there's a lot of really angry people that are by themselves right now.

And you're seeing that a lot on.

How about how about what would you be like if you were alone completely right now?

You know, it's so funny. Have you talked on the phone to someone who's single and been by themselves a couple of times and they just they're like, so anyway, I like and they just start rambling, you know, just sobbing. You just saw me on the phone with one when you got here. Yeah. And that's a friend's parent who I was asked to call about something and then it just kept going and kept going and kept going. And I was trying to be like, yeah, yeah, OK.

I mean, it just wouldn't end.

I wish there was there should be a way. There should be.

I wish there was a way people could connect like on phones as opposed to through Twitter, because I think Twitter ends up with a lot of hate. I told you I've been on Twitter more than I have ever been. It's not going well. It's not. And I think I'm doing I did a moratorium no Twitter the other day and I started feeling better about myself.

You know what the fucked up thing is like, especially when you have a special come out. Right, and you go, all right, I'm not going to look. And you go, all right, I'm going to look.

And then the weird thing is you can even have an unsettling feeling, seeing nothing but positive things. So in your mind, you go, it's because. You're reading negative things, but you can read 30 minutes of all positive things and you still feel, I don't know, kind of off, right?

Well, what you feel when there's on on on Instagram, there's like a little heart thing and you can go see how many people have mentioned you and their stories. Well, my Instagram came when my special came out. I would look at that and it would be I mean, like.

Yeah, twenty thousand. Yeah. And I'd be like, oh my God. And then all of a sudden. I felt like someone had bought them like it didn't feel real and I'd retrieve them and then I'd feel ugly retweeting them, going like, what am I? I'm just like I'm rewarding people talking nice about me. That's only going to be get people talking shitty about me going, fuck that guy.

There's a weird fucking thing about fuck that guy or fuck this thing. Yeah.

Where it's like because remember, we talked about this last week and I was saying that I'm a hypocrite because. That dance show, by the way, Justin Martindale hit me up, he was like, you didn't need to apologize, right? Yeah, he was like he was like, you didn't talk shit. Like, I watched it. I was on the show I didn't like. It was very nice. Just Martindale.

But like but it is a weird thing that occurs when shit rains down on you. You're like, fuck you don't watch, fuck you don't subscribe, fuck you. And I'm trying to do something good and you get like you don't need to watch this.

And then all of a sudden you find yourself shitting on things, going like it's so like infects you.

Dude, we went to we went to the Country Music Awards or like it was like the big CMT Festival.

Yeah. In Nashville. You went to this when I was on Travel Channel. Oh, no. I thought you went on your own. So, like, the fuck is wrong with you? I have no interest in country music. I just found out Keith Urban is a country music guy. What do you think he was? I just thought it was like Keith Sweat, like I just thought it was a black dude. I really honestly saw Keith Urban.

And I just because I've been so conditioned to hear the word urban is black. Yeah. I just saw Keith Urban and went, I OK. And then I didn't urban.

Such a condescending term when you think like I always thought it was when we first started comedy, it's urban. Like you're like, wait, I live in the city too. What the fuck are you talking about? Keith Urban.

I said something about Keith Sweat. I don't know why Keith Sweat was in the news, but I said something about Keith Sweat. And then I misstepped and I said, Keith Urban. And then goes, Keith Urban's married to Nicole Kidman. And I went, she married a black dude. And she was like, Keith Urban's white. And I went, Keith Urban. She goes, one of these things, country music. And I went like, Are you serious?

Because he's from Australia?

And I go, he's from fucking Australia. There's a lot I don't know about music, you know.

But do you know Clint Black? Yeah.

Tom, what do you think it looks like it's like with a white guy.

OK, well, it's not that far off, I have to tell you.

But Keith Urban is like planted in your subconscious. Yeah.

So. We go to this country music thing, I got to find pictures of me in a cowboy hat and cowboy boots and everything, oh, they're definitely out there of me. I've spent a lot of time in cowboy boots and cowboy hats.

Yeah, yeah. I dated a girl and she was like from that, you know, cut from that cloth. And she was like, here's a hat. No. Yeah. Yeah. Like, just totally out of line. I don't know. I don't think so. I don't think so. But I have them somewhere so ridiculous. So we go to this country music thing and things to get laid.

I mean, those are photographs of the shop that I do have. I do have them somewhere.

The. That's a good looking picture. Oh, that's not you, that's the guy that looks like, you know, that's me, like they put my face on somebody is a Photoshop.

So we go to this country music thing and one of the biggest, like Jason Aldean or like one of the biggest acts I don't like.

What's the biggest country music act? Like one. That guy is on stage. I forget his name, but he's on stage. Garth Brooks. No, no, no. It's not Garth Brooks. It's it's I mean, the Zac Brown Band had just been on and I was like, kind of OK with them. But I was I was like, it's not my style of music. I find country music to be a tad bit condescending, a little bit like just it's just like it's almost like branding.

It's not a lot of it for me.

It's just I got a pick up truck and I was like, I don't want to do those. And it's like and then they're like, I would think that you would be excited about that kind of music.

Well, know at the time, this is what I saw as a comic and I'm sitting in the front row going writing a bit. It's branding.

It's like I'm watching people cheer and he's like I go down by the river and they're like, we had a river, right?

My grandma's house. And like, yeah, that's where I think you can like he's drawing a picture that they're all. And I'm sitting in front whoever this big country Western Star is. Willie Nelson. Nope. And arms folded. And I'm in the front row and I start to get a snob view of life like going, this sucks, this fucking sucks. And I go, How many of these people would love to be standing where I'm standing? I give two fucking shits.

And I was like, This is so stupid. I can't even enjoy this. Tim McGraw, I think was Tim McGraw. It was like the biggest country was the headliner, right? Yeah. This and we're in a stadium and I'm in the front fucking row and I have security around me.

And I am I can because travel tell you about the Travel Channel and I can see sweat on him and he's singing to us and I'm literally sitting arms for go. This sucks.

So look at how stupid they are for liking it.

I don't like it and I'm up front. That makes me smarter. And then I went, oh my God, I have this realization going, there's a fucking stadium full of people that are like in this. Clearly this is good, right? Clearly I am wrong. And I'm not allowing myself an opportunity to be in a great space and see someone who is fucking doing it right. And I went, I'm like a hipster in fucking Brooklyn. I am like the fucking troll online who shit on me.

And I go, oh my God, there is a pure joy in disliking something everyone likes.

Yeah, there's a pure joy in going. I'm right. They're wrong. Yeah. And I looked at my my sound guy, John Sayles, and I was like I was like, do you like this. He's like, what's not my type of music but it's pretty cool man right up front. And I was like, why am I not seeing the world like that. Like and then I started looking around and my cameramen are like, this is great.

Right? And then I was like, you know what, fuck this. Grabbed a beer because I was wondering at the time.

And I was like I was like, this is fucking awesome. And I just learned to like it, like, go, I'm going to be the moment. I'm going to try to enjoy it with everyone else. But there is a real. Satisfaction or joy or pleasure in disliking someone everyone likes, like I think Matthews, we're all like.

And also that exists even I think that exists in everyone's life.

That whole thing of like, you know, something becomes you've got to watch this TV show. You've got to hear the song. You've got to read this book. And people are like, I'm good. And I'm guilty of that for sure.

And then sometimes what happens is you you know, it's an interesting thing that happens where you'll go. All right. I guess I'll check this out. And a lot of times the thing that was a huge hit, you're like, oh, pretty fucking good. But but sometimes it doesn't actually resonate with you.

In which case I think it's fine. I mean, it's fine to hate on something if that's what you want to do. Yeah. Does there is that thing where it becomes like this addictive feeling. Yeah. Right.

You don't want that to define your personality. Not at all. You don't want to be like the person that goes to dinner and they're like, hey, did you try her bread. And you're like thoroughbred do read.

Am I right guys. The worst ones are the one the people like. I have a cousin, I feel like it is like that with restaurants and food. So you're like, check out this amazing Italian restaurant.

He's like he's like pretty good.

But have you been to and you're like, can you just enjoy this? You know, I took him to like this.

Like the I think the best sushi place, right, and I was like, I didn't go with him, I told him about it.

Then he goes, I went there and I was like, and and this guy gets up at 2:00 in the morning is a Japanese guy. Every morning in the fish market, he's had to place a hole in the wall place in the valley for like 27 years. It's amazing. It's amazing.

He was like, it's pretty good. I was like, it's pretty good. He goes, Well, I have a place in Berlin. What is that? Why? I don't know.

But it's kind of like the same application of that. You know, he's got to be like he's got to say, that was OK, I'll I'll refer you to somewhere else.

That's better. Yeah. And then I go out of my way to shit on whatever he recommends. I'm like you really. I'm like you just have an unsophisticated palate you don't like.

But this is what we call them. Thumb tongues. Yeah.

We did one of those in our life where he'll take me somewhere good and I'll be like it kind of sucked, see.

But then they in fact you were you go, all right, I'm pushing back. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to. I used to. I feel the way you talked about that music about like Bruce Springsteen. I love Bruce Springsteen. I wish he was dead.

I have you seen what's a Nadaf pull up the movie Bruce Springsteen. Right time in Bruce Springsteen Indian guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'm talking about. I know exactly.

Dude, it is so fucking good.

Blinded by the light. This dude I deemed him and I said, do your movie is fucking awesome.

It's such a great fucking movie.

I want to make clear I don't wish he was dead, but I don't understand. You don't like Bruce Springsteen?

Not even a little bit for real. I don't get it. It doesn't it doesn't do anything for me. I try to be the guy that you just like I try to have that epiphany you had where I mean, I don't get, like, upset with, but like when I see the devotion and like, people are like, have you seen this footage of them in the E Street Band at this kind of like send it to me and I watch it.

I'm like, OK, right.

I am now a huge Bruce Springsteen fan because I watch this movie. Right? Yeah, but I went to a Bruce Springsteen concert. Yeah. At the at the right by the Coliseum. I don't think it was at the Coliseum, but it was right by the Coliseum and and I hated it.

Well look, I hated it. It was such a bad concert and I'm a big and I but and I and I ended up arms crossed. Yeah. Go on. Like it's long as fuck.

First of all, I have two and a half hour. So here's the thing. I would never go and I have zero. I don't send me links. I don't want to see any more footage.

I don't want to get any more. Hold on, hold on, hold on. But here's what I say.

Here's what I'm saying, though, OK, I'm I've gotten to the point where I actually feel like, you know what? There are things that, like some people just love and that are not for me. And I'm fine with that. I'm at the point where I go. Not everything is for me.

So that's fine that other people go. Yeah, that's right. You're right. You know, you're right about that. Not everything is for me.

I just fell in love with Elvis Costello, OK? I never listen to anything Elvis Costello ever in my entire life, I didn't like him because of his glasses.

Of course, I saw him when I was like the shit out of those guys.

He reeks of everything I hate in art. Yeah. And I was like, fuck him. You're fucking with your stupid glasses.

I get it. You're branded, you wear the glasses. That's your thing. And look at those big asshole glasses. And then and this is not how I'm certain they wanted him to be sold to a person, but they had said top five performances on SNL, top five performers banned from SNL.

And then Elvis Costello is one. He's banned. Yeah. Why?

Because he went on Lorne Michaels told him what song was saying, and he was like, you don't tell him. As long as I got older, I was like, whatever the point, I want to sing like I'm not going to.

And they're like, we want you to do do this song.

Hold on. I remember this. Less than zero. Less than zero is all about British Parliament or something like British laws. And he was like, that's stupid. Why am I saying that in the United States has nothing political to do with the US, I should say radio. And he was like, well, we can't sing radio. That's about how everything's set up for advertisers and we don't want to fuck with our advertisers. It's like, OK, so he's like he's like, can you play it?

It's actually pretty cool. You can't. Oh yeah. I guess we can. Yeah. But what happens when he starts. He starts playing the song. Lorne Michaels said stop, stop, stop.

One, two, three. And he plays radio. I got two albums watching it and I was like, I fucking like this guy.

He stops, he stops it in the middle. You know that I was actually watching.

I don't watch SNL, but I happened to be watching live when the Simpson girl walked off the camera at that performance. No Jessica Simpson's sister.

Oh, yeah.

I just like the voice of Barzman. Now, the voice of Bart Simpson did not walk off, if you had not said Jessica Simpson, I would have heard this totally fucking different for the entire South Bundarra.

That's what you thought happened when you said and then the voice over. And I'm like, she didn't even do the real voice on there. That's all she's known for. And she didn't even. Nancy, I know. What's her name. Throw your hands on.

What's up? Well, we have another treat we will treat. Oh, fuck. So our Nancy Horwitt is here.

No, she's not here. But don't you have a. Here we go. Oh, fuck.

What's this bottle to him in your head that I see. These are good. I love. And lastly, we're going to we're going to. You let me go. Nothing like this. I want to hear the original I know you need to hear it, by the way, we can't releasees because he wrote the lyrics, huh?

I mean, release where I would. Did you see Chelsea Peretti put out a coffee song? No. Chelsea Peretti is going viral. Put it she put out the coffee song, no offense, Chelsea Party, but it's not like the greatest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, it's just like I want coffee. I want coffee. And it's like fucking going everywhere. Really. Oh yeah. Yeah.

You're type in Chelsea Peretti Coffee s y. S.

Hmm. Coffee, coffee, and then why WSYX, ISIS? There you go, hit this. This is like huge. This is huge.

I'm sure we can crank it through my six year system. Yeah. Yeah. Here we go.

This is this is a coffee, coffee, coffee, crankin thermos coffee cracking gang cafe crankin promises free.

OK, she just. So she's selling album with that. Yeah. Good for her. Yeah I know but play my jam. The Drake wrote. It's but it's my artistic thumbprint on it and who produced it, because who did those was asking them to grasp Kingdom, was it just team up or was it enough? No, you did it.

Scooba, a lot of talent by Booba.

Yeah, a lot of talent has multiple producers on their albums. That's true. That's true. I got scuba gear graphy.

Remind me of when Nas Illmatic came out and Premo and Pete Rock and Lord Finesse. They all worked with him. Yup. People heard you sing in there like yeah, I want to get on this to his album.

So here's what I need. This is super simple. And by the way, we will do this next episode. All I need is some poets out there to write me some lyrics. Mm hmm. I will improv them and make them brilliant. Jesus. And then scuba booba and and grassroots grass kingdom. Grass Kingdom will produce them.

We got hit, we got hits, all the money goes to charity, we release it on iTunes and these will be viral fucking hits. These will be to the point where I guarantee you, I get a shout out from Drake.

Why would he shout, Drake's going to go, I can't believe I started all this, Drake's going to be like, do this is good stuff. How do I get Scooba, Bubba and Grassroots in the studio with me to flip my shit? And then these poets will be out there and then they'll be like, that's not even enough. He's like this guy Bert just feels the things and just rhymes them and just and just he I structure them.

Here's what I think what I think your idea that you just said, I want to do this to your idea, dude.

Let's try it, guys. We need one poet out there.

Do we have a poet, lyricist, lyricist. Yeah. Or maybe we take a not such a big hit song. That's probably a good place to start. And we just flip it. We just like a boring song, take a hit, not a hit, or you do something.

Maybe you can make a Bruce Springsteen song interesting to me. Bam, give me an obscure Bruce Springsteen song sprung for you, by the way, some fucking asshole goes. And by the way, don't think I didn't know you were trolling me, OK? I do Dr. Drew's podcast because everyone's like it's been super depressing. Dr. Drew sometimes just talks about facts either like we would love them. Not so many facts in there. So they have me on and this fucking cunt goes, hey, man, I've been drinking my whole adult life and now I stutter and don't say the right words when I talk.

Is that because of alcohol? Heyburn I notice you do it.

Also I what did what was Drew's response was like.

It has to be a great amount of alcohol. And I was like, OK, next question. How much you think you're going to drink on Friday?

Just a couple of drinks. I'm not into booze right now. Yeah, I know.

The man was fucking wasted last night. She was just fine today. Her Nyla always fight. What do they fight about? Everything. Waking up, Eila sets an alarm and it's Alexa.

So Alexa is alarmist to do anything to do this.

And we walk in a room and it's been going on for a half an hour and she just sleeps right through it.

And Liane's like, this is ridiculous. I will get out of bed. No one likes to be woken up like that. Yeah. And so they go at it. They're the same person. They go at it.

Then Georgia, they really are the same. They look the same. And then Georgia teams up with LeAnn and goes, I've been hearing the alarm for thirty minutes.

And I was like, Georgia, stay out of this. And then I jump in and I'm like, guys, hold on because I can't wake up alarms don't wake me up. So I to set like nine alarms all over the house, really. I've never once set an alarm and been like, that'll do it. I've never once been like, what do you do for flies? You set like seven alarm. I set alarms.

And it's usually like if you look, this is a perfect example. I showed this Tyla this morning. If you look at my alarms, look at how I structure it. Oh, my God.

These are I mean, by the way, do they go about the same time?

Look at this, Tom. It's it's in five minute increments. These are different flights I've taken. So it's like for look at this. I mean, it's.

But what about when there's two at the same time to to go off.

Yeah. Yeah, it'll go off. What I do is so like so say this morning, not this morning. Yesterday I got to get up for six AM radio. Right. So I said if I said to five thirty alarms so it goes off so I'll set snoots for one but another one to go off. And I said snooze for the next one and then five thirty five will go off on us. That's news for that. And the and wake up when this all goes five forty goes off.

I hit snooze for that and now at one point they are just going off non fucking stop.

She not yelling at you for that. She's just learned to live with it because it pays the bills so but no one's was not paying any bills. So I had to say to either you got to set alarms everywhere. So today I said we just set up her room with literally alarms in every corner. So she's got getting it anyway.

Let me see. So you pull up your alarms again. I want to see what your. Sounds that you like are you have radar radars aggressive. That is not a fun alarm. I mean, is that what I wake up to?

Yeah, that's yeah. That's what I wake up to. Is it. Are they all that. That's it. They all are. That one. That's the loudest one.

Unless you can find louder there's louder ones. Give me a lighter one. We had an argument on.

Tell me what you like. No, never. I'm going to sleep through that. Sounds like go back to bed. Nope. Nope. I don't like that. I is a dream about robots.

That's too sweet. Let's see how long.

No, no. I'm not a princess. I'm not. It's not 1980. Revenge of the Nerds. Nope, nope. How does this wake anyone up?

OK, no, that's no, that's super annoying. No, it's not loud enough, really. Go to the original one.

No. That's like a sweet alarm. How about this? No, no. How about. Now, this is a Bertillon that's like a fuckin party started. Sounds like I'm at a baseball game. Ladies and gentlemen, I'll just have dreams about baseball.

Who does that wake up? I guess maybe you're right, yeah, yeah, that's fucking annoying.

Super annoying. Yeah. So we should create we should create sound bytes and then sell them and not sell them. We'll just give them away in the in the ring section of alarms. Ready. Yeah. OK, let's do our own.

Hey guys, it's two bears. One cage. Wake up. Get up, you fucking loser. You have herpes, you have herpes. Oh, that's what you want, the alarm. You have herpes.

Wake up, you fucking Jew. Somebody's got to get me out of bed.

Hey, dirty Italian. Get out of bed and make some pasta. Hey, wake up your fucking wop.

Hey, Mama says it's time to make a meatball.

Oh, look at Sal. I think those would sell well.

I had a I had an improv that we were doing on the bus.

We went out to Boehner and we cannot cast you in another commercial you read back there.

Wow. Oh, yeah. Do one for white people. OK, this economy is on your shoulders.

Get up, please.

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Dotcom Slash gave this when I was a kid.

I used to do I by the way, I would pay probably one hundred thousand dollars to find this tape right now of I used to do motivational speeches to myself in the morning when I was in sixth and seventh grade.

By the way, if I really if I could find these tapes, Tom, they would be such gold, it would videotape yourself.

I wasn't videotape, he was audiotape. And it was taped off my recorder, like my stereo thing.

And I would be like, come on, Burt, you got this, man. Get up, buddy.

Come on. We did this last night. We know we're not going to feel good. Like I would talk to myself doing OK. I'm going to play one song. And then after the song, you're getting up the song better pump you than you would play that. And I play a song and I'm like, all right, now get out of bed.

And I'd be like, OK.

And like, OK, man, you have your voice to you. I will play my voice to me, giving myself a pep talk about the day I would give a hundred thousand dollars.

What goes on in your head. I mean, I was the weirdest child. I would do those.

You frustrate your parents to no end. Oh, I did a podcast with this woman, Dr. Vee, right? Yeah.

And I talked about we talked about of drawing wrong people into your life because as you know, I've had an innate ability of drawing a lot of very toxic people into my life.

Oh, that is a burp. It's fucking red. I love Red Bull so much.

I haven't drank it in like ten years and I love it more than anything. I love it so much. I quit drinking because my blood pressure was through the roof. Yeah, but right now my blood pressure is so low I get lightheaded.

So I'm trying to get it up a little bit.

So I said to this lady doctor, who's a great fucking podcast, by the way, if you're looking for a guess who's awesome, who's a therapist, she did like she does stuff on Bravo. She's like, oh, is it Dr. Vee? Oh, OK. And so.

I did, I said, I'm bringing these toxic people into my life, why am I keep bringing toxic people in my beautiful.

And so she said you had her on your podcast. Yeah, because it was a Zoome recording. OK, and we just did therapy. I was supposed to interview her about her stuff and I just did therapy with her and then I'm going to release it. It's a pretty good podcast. So then she said, well, what was it? Did your parents make you feel like you were worth something? And I said, Well, my mom did so.

What about your dad? And I said, I don't think my dad really got my personality. She went, Really? And I said, yeah, she does. Give me an example.

When I was in first grade, I played for the Yankees. I was playing second base and like I was obsessed with baseball. Bases were loaded. I'm sure I've told you the story.

Bases were loaded, flyboy's hit to me. I caught it. I ripped my shirt off. I spiked the ball, I ripped my shirt off and I started dancing. Yeah, all the bases cleared. They tagged up. They all scored. We lost the game, but the place went nuts. I mean, the fucking like both sides were cheering and going crazy. My side was like, this is the funniest thing I've ever seen. And their side just won the game.

Yeah. And and she said, what was your dad's reaction? And I said, I don't remember, really.

I remember my mom thought it was funny. I remember getting done and people were like coming up to me.

And I just I swear to God, my feeling was give the people what they want. Yeah. Like, that's what they wanted. Yeah. And I felt celebrated like people like that was fucking amazing. And I was at first grade I was like, yeah I know I did. I thought I do. Yeah. And so she goes, well we should call your dad. And I said, Hey Dad, do you remember?

And he goes, yes. I go, what is your reaction like? How did you feel? He was shocked. And to think that that was his child like that, he looked at this human being that he created and was just like.

That I logically, I was I there was a part of me that was like, this is going to sound horrible, but like Michael Jordan rose like. Inflated ego, I thought I was the greatest, like I believed all these things about myself, I was so from this in first grade and my dad had to shake that out of me, like, very aggressively be like you're not you're not great.

Shut the fuck up. You're just a regular person. I would say things that were so big.

I remember one time I remember one time saying to him that I had won I had won the 60 hour dash or whatever, forty yard dash in first grade that I was the fastest kid in first grade. And I'm pretty sure I'm the fastest kid in middle in grade school right now. And he was like, you're not in first grade. And I said, I don't know. Coach said that like I beat Tony Price by like a good amount. And he was like, do we go out front?

I was like, what? He's going to raise me. I was like, well, yeah, I'll beat you. He's like, You're not going to beat me. I definitely will. And he goes, Let's go out front. So I go out front, I stretch, I get up in the starting blocks. I like, like sit there, run. He's like, you call it, name it. Three, two, one, go.

I went three to one and I remember even giving myself a little bit of a head start go and I take off and I'm sprinting, I mean chin to my chest as hard as I can. Yeah.

And I hear him laughing and I look up and he's running backwards in front of me and he goes, You'll never beat me at anything.

He did that so much to just shake. I had this unyielding confidence in myself, which I wish I still had. I don't have it anymore. Yeah. I remember one time we played tennis and he goes.

He goes, he's like, man, you're really hitting the ball today, like he would set me up to fail. He go, you really hitting the ball to I go, Yeah, I'm really gushing. And he goes, we should play for something. And I was like, yeah. And by the way, I'm playing better than I've ever played. Yeah.

And he goes, he's like, what do you want to play for. And I was like a puppy. I wanted a puppy so bad. And he was like, so if you win we'll just go right now and just go get a copy of the pet store. And I was like, yeah, he's like, whatever puppy you want. I said, Yeah. And he goes, All right, let's play.

And he hit like a grown man and beat the fuck out of me. And I and I started getting really upset, really frustrated cause but he calmed down and I said, no, I was doing good because I was let you do good. He was like, I'm not getting a fucking puppy.

And he just beat the shit out of me. And I don't remember getting in the car going, why would you make me think? He goes, Why? I wanted you to feel good about yourself, but you think I was going to fucking pick up a puppy? I'm getting a dog. And he's like, I had to beat you.

I've been doing something similar we know with so else was like he what he was of to race. So I was like, yeah, OK. So I, I, I let him, you know, he's four, I let him run and then he's like, oh I when I, when I was like yeah. And then I was like all right this time I'll just, you know, turn it on. So I just like flew past him.

You got to the finish line way ahead of him. And then he got there and he's like, I win. I got no you didn't. And he's like, yeah, I go, no, because I got there first.

So you didn't win and you're my dad.

I was like, that's not you're right. It's not winning. And he was like, he's like, yeah. I go, no, no, no.

You have to be first to win. And you didn't win.

So then he was like, OK, and then he just ran in the other direction like the other. And he like now I want I was like, all right, so sweet.

So this is really fascinating. So when you have boys, this is going to come off very horrible, but go for it.

So having little girls, I never wanted to put them in their place. Oh, but having boys, I was always put in my place of like, you're not a man. Like don't step to me like that. Like, I'm always going to be better than you because I'm also a man. But when you're when you have little girls, you're like, God, you're fucking amazing.

Like you always let them win because. Yeah, the girls, I let them win.

I let them win a lot because you got it. You got to let them win when they're that young. But I mean, I just wanted him to understand I was trying to win against my dad. Yeah. I wanted him to understand that. Like, I just want to understand you have to be first to say you want. I think he understood.

He's like I what am I gonna know you're not Ferdinando because then the concept of racing at all.

No, he's just like he just like to be like he's like, I want no second. You're second.

What is your dad like. Was your dad, was your dad because your dad. I think of your dad a very different way.

Interesting. My dad would definitely let you know your little kid you like, you know, same thing I do.

Like if we're playing a board game or something, you know, when they're that young, you're just like, yeah, you want I mean, yeah, you just tell them they want to get so happy that they want.

But now there's a certain age you want until you're in a foxhole and your body's crying, just being hurt.

I think my dad kind of was was like really easy on me until he also wasn't like he only he didn't let me quit and anything.

So like if I was like I only go to this thing and he's like, well, you're on the team now.

So you're oh, you're definitely there was no quitting. You can't quit.

You know, the thing is like with weight lifting. So he was like competitive. Right. And he was he won a couple title state titles.

Your dad I know dad was a competitive one weightlifter.

When he got me a set of junior weights, I remember I was like. He was like, you're not doing that right? It was like a power clean or something. And I was like, what should I do? And his version of coaching was watch me.

So then he just did it. And I was like, OK, he's like, just do that. And then I'm like, all right, that's not really coaching. So I would do it again. He was like, now and then he just like, walk away real. Yeah.

He was like, just keep doing it. So who do you think you would have been if you had been uncute? Meaning. Meaning like if if the pure version of Tom that came out of Peru like the and of Peru, you know what I mean?

I watched Operation Odesa last night. But like the uncut version of Tom, had you been left to fester in your own confidence, your own ego, your own brain without the effect of your father? Like if if my I would be absolutely unbearable without my dads.

You're almost there. I'm almost there. But imagine if you didn't have my dad going like when I was a good question.

When I was 26, my dad gave me, which I've said over and over I won't go into detail. But the most aggressive breakoff speech you could ever give a young man like a you're a loser. You're a piece of shit. I fucked up. I didn't raise you right. You have no humility. You're a party boy. Good luck. I'll see you whenever you need money again.

And I was like, that's not what I thought. It was my birthday. I was like, I thought, your wish me happy birthday is like. He's like, oh, that was right. He didn't even know was my birthday.

Oh, you're like, Happy birthday.

I was like, it's my birthday. And he goes, and and then he was like, no, if you want to fix this, I remember at one point this is like the most poignant thing he's ever said to me is like, if you want to fix this, you'll do this to get into comedy. You'll do this tonight. And I said, well, I can't do it tonight. I have a party plan.

He goes, you don't deserve a party. What are you celebrating? You're a loser. Why would you get a party? You're a loser, by the way.

I think more men need that in their lives. I think you're right.

Like, my dad's speech to me was so painful.

Like, I mean, I remember I remember waking up going is November 3rd. I wish I could remember the exact year, but November 3rd, I was turning 26. The phone rang. I was hung over from partying and I and we didn't have blinds in our apartment. I was like, I'll just answer it. Let him say happy birthday real quick. Go back to bed. And it's picked up a hello. And he's like, I just perjured myself in court.

And I was like, what? Because I perjured myself in court.

The judge said, Al, how's your son doing? And I said, Good, I lied under oath.

That's how it started. And I went. OK. And he was like, I lied and I've never lied in court and I just perjured myself, I can't believe I should have said he's a loser, Your Honor, I should have said the truth.

He's a loser and he's not doing anything. He's even a party boy. And I don't know what's going to happen when. Where were you when you got when you had this call?

I was on the couch. But in what city?

In New York. I'd moved to New York to do stand up. I've been written up in Rolling Stone is number one party animal, the country. I moved to New York and I wasn't doing fucking anything at a job at Barnes and Noble. I think I'd gotten fired from already. I just was living on a couch, hanging out at comedy clubs, not doing anything. And it was all because whatever part of me and I acknowledge this, whatever part of me believed in greatness, believed I was great, wouldn't allow myself to.

To take a step backwards and go, can you give me an opportunity like I was I was just like only losers go like, Hey man, how can I get a job here? How can I be like I was just like in comedy clubs, not job. I got jobs before, but like and my dad was like, you're a loser. I you there's no humility. You're it was just the most aggressive.

I remember when you told me this, you told me this in the car on the way to Sacramento like 15 years ago. I was like, oh dude, it was. But and my dad I mean, it's just I was like, what?

And he told me. He told me on the way back. Yeah. I remember thinking to myself at the moment. Hurt so bad, I thought, I'm going to do what he says and show him that he's a fucking idiot and I'll bring it and put it on a plate and go, You said, do this. I did this. And it didn't fucking work. In order to be great, you've got to have a big ego and not and you got to believe in yourself.

All these things that I just you read in a book or you see on a fucking e true Hollywood story and you're like, that's who that's how greatness is achieved.

And I went and I did what he did and it worked. It worked like in spades.

And to this day I just keep following that path of like and I'm not the most humble person at all, but like at all.

But but in business, I like getting into the Comedy Store.

I was what, forty fucking three until I could be like hat in hand be like it's one of the things I want in life. And by the way, my ego got in the way of that like I'd been on TV, I had specials, I was, I had money. I didn't need to work there but I wanted something I wanted. And I just went back to that old thing my dad set up to be humble, say what you want and tell me to do anything.

Tell him you're not above anything. But yeah, but it's my point is cut the fucking Burt interruptus.

My point is, who would you have been uncut like your dad put a put a line, your dad cut you with a bunch of shit to make you up to be a man, right. Yeah. I'm having deja vu right now. Yeah. Like, what would you what would you be if you had been left on an island? I would be in a loincloth with knee high moccasins.

Bragi telling you stories about how great I was having never done anything. That's who I would have been if my dad hadn't fuck me up or fix me up and fuck me up.

I don't know, man, I. I tend to think that I always think that if I, if I hadn't, you know, got married and had kids like I have that thoughts, I'm like, what would I be doing, you know, and I think I'd be a real fuckin mess. So I think that without.

So do you think Bush had more of like more of an influence on, you know, not necessarily, no.

I mean, I think a lot of it comes from parenting for sure, like from your parents.

But I just mean that, like, your mom to me always seems like a supporter of you. Like, I love I love what Tommy is like. Your mom seems like a giggling factor. The same personality issues.

Oh, she's more combative with my dad.

My dad thinks if I take a shit, it should be in the Hall of Fame.

Oh, for real. Yeah. Yeah. So is it your mom that's more like she's more combative. She's the one. Yeah, yeah. It's the opposite. He, he is just my dad goes you know we were on vacation, there was a comedian performing at the theater. I'm like, oh yeah. Who was it. He's like, I don't know, I don't, I don't watch any other comedians. You're the only comedian. I'm like, you can enjoy other comedians.

And he's like, I don't want to. He's like, I feel like it's disloyal to you, Dad.

It's not. And I'm like, Dad, you can go watch other comedians. He's like, I would never want to. You're the only comedian. I'm like, all right.

So like he's like that. Like he's a guy that was very different. My dad's very different. My dad was very different. And that was just.

How was my mom? My mom's not like that, by the way. My mom the other day.

So we started to watch, you know, I saw that all three of you had a joke. Let's throw out all your specials.

I started to watch I started to watch all of them. We watched all of them. My dad Tom specials.

Fucking hilarious. That fucking guy.

I don't know, do you? When you guys do your podcast, you dizzy, like, lead it. And I'm like, huh. It's like, no, that's fucking funny.

Whatever his fucking thing is, I love it man. The foot up on the on the thing, it's fucking confident.

You're like, oh cool that. My mom loves Chris. I think really my mom thinks it kind of fantasizes a little bit. I have to. Everyone has to, right. She's like my mom told me a long time ago. I remember bringing up Delia. She goes, now, I'm a fan of his and his before. Like I thought like my mom was following Chris D'Elia way before, like fucking eight years ago, my mom was into Crystal.

She got her some headshots. You know, I should get a fucking side by side. It's her first name. Yeah, but all my love or something on my love winky face. She was you know what it was is Whitney's podcast, Whitney show. My mom loves, loves Whitney loves Whitney.

Like, if I cheated on LeAnn with Whitney, my mom would be like, it's, you know, it's an upward move.

She did a great show.

She had a great show and never had a show, which is your mom supported the way my dad is about like she's like bird, you know, you were so great. Yeah.

Oh, that's my long haired poet. She my mom has always been like my champion. My dad's always been like, I don't see that you don't see the cracks in this fucking system. He's all he's a mess. He's a fucking mess.

Even when I you like when I'm I'm consistently wrong with my dad, but not it's just to teach me how to be raised like whatever thing you whatever idea I have.

He points out that it's wrong. Like like Deon Sanders. Right. I remember sitting down I just talked to Gaby Reese about this the other day. I remember sitting down with my dad and Diane Sanders was on the cover of Sports Illustrated, stated with prime time right now, I assumed because my dad wasn't a fan of me spiking a ball, ripping my shirt off and dancing that he wouldn't be a fan of Deon's.

So I tried to slide in on like an adjacent line. And I was like, I remember seeing I remember we were outside on our patio.

My dad was at the glass table and he was looking at it. And I said, I don't know, Dad, if you ask me, it's like, just shut up and play the game. Right?

And he was like, you have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. And I was like, what are you guys? You're talking about a kid from Miami who was born with nothing and now he has an opportunity to shine and they want to take it away from him and all he knows that he can brand himself and make more money by doing this than half of these kids.

Look, shut the fuck up. And I was like, OK, by the way, I love Dionne. I was only saying that because I thought that's what my dad would want to hear. But he is from North Fort Myers.

I just wanted to point that out. Yeah. Now, my my dad would be like I watched your special again last night and I'm like, cool. How many times is that now? He goes, I lost count. You know, you're just such a commanding voice up there, really. Just the way you just move from one topic.

I mean, he just like goes on and on, like he's talking about fucking paintings, I think would be amazing to have your dad do a review on my special. That would be hilarious. What do you think your dad would say?

When my shirt comes off, you be like, I don't get it. I'm immediately he would just be like, why is it still off?

Like ten minutes later he would like he would like no. I think he would like you if he allowed himself to enjoy somebody else. That's that's.

No, but that's the same mentality we talk about a lot about like Springsteen and stuff. Yeah. Like allowing yourself my dad. My dad likes you as a person. My dad I think sees himself in you is more like quiet, do the work, let the work speak for itself and then go back and live a regular life, have a drink.

Have I disagree with my sense of humor about like one time a roommate came to my dad, came to visit with a roommate, and when my roommate was like, you know, my dad was doing like, you know, when someone's dad comes a little more like shake hands and and my my dad goes, you know, how's it going to end? And my friend my roommate goes, well, it's been it's been a little taxing. I've got to deal with it.

Now, this guy, I mean, as a joke. Yeah. And my dad was like, what? And the kid was like he's like, oh, I just got to put up with his shit all day, you know? And my dad goes, he's a great kid. I was like, Dad, he's joking. And he was like, what?

And I go, I felt so bad for him. I was like, Dude, you did nothing wrong. What the fuck is wrong with? And then I yelled at him. What's wrong with you? He's like, Yeah, I was like that.

He's you don't get that. He's joking around. He doesn't have it. He doesn't see it within that regard.

Nadav type in Birte Krischer Green Flash.

So I did this video. I did this video, no, go to my YouTube was no go to my YouTube, go to YouTube and type Krischer Green Flash. I don't know why it's pulling up these videos. I did this video at our beach house, which you've been to, and I have been there.

Yeah, I remember. I remember. So I think so much of this is how far is that house from where your parents live.

Twenty, thirty minutes. Oh it is kind of a little place. OK, it's a little ways. What's it like. The actual city.

Oh my God. Did I take it off because of Travel Channel. I bet I took it off because the Travel Channel. No, I took it off because the Travel Channel Foch, I have this video, I had this video that I shot. This is back when I was just being my personality, being a stand up and videos were like YouTube. We just started a little bit. And, you know, there's a old theory of if when the sun hits the horizon, there's a green flash, OK?

It's like a big thing in Florida that people say happened. So I filmed a sunset. And right when the sun gets to the edge of the horizon and starts to disappear, I cut and I show myself in an American flag thong.

And it's just me grinding in that kitchen going, oh, you waiting for a green flash.

Here's your green flash. And then I turn around and you see my whole last week I go, the moon's coming up.

My dad saw that. And he just goes, What the fuck is wrong with you? He goes, What? That's in our fucking beach house? Because he goes, Why do you own a thong?

And I was like, Oh, no. He's like, well, you own a thong. You brought a thong to the beach house. You put a thong on by yourself in our beach house. He's like, Please tell me you were drunk. I was like, I was done sober. He was like, sober. You put this online, people are going to see this. The fuck is wrong with you?

They're going to see this and go, that's the beach house I rented.

And that was my fucking sense of humor. And my dad just does not. Yeah, but I don't I don't begrudge him for not getting my sense of humor entirely.

I've been I could hang out with your dad, though. A hundred percent.

You and my dad will get along extremely well.

I have met him, but it's been a long time. But it was like Easter. Quick was the last time you hung out with him. And also the very first was that the very first podcast, Reivers Berkeley for Birkerts, someone just texted, Aesir just happened.

And they said this is very different than the first Easter I spent with you guys. This is one of our buddies we see all the time. Yeah. And I said, really? And he goes, Yeah, Jodi has slipped your dad marijuana. And you did a podcast about it.

Yeah, I went, oh, wow. I remember being like, oh my. Because I was thinking of my dad. My dad is pretty straight laced. Yeah. When when when he gave your dad an edible, I was like, my dad would fucking lose his mind.

My brother started my dad eating marijuana. Your dad became like, cool with it. Now he eats marijuana every night. My mom, my white mom baked pot cookies for my dad the other night. Really, they eat marijuana just about every night, but not a target.

It's like you. It's like ten milligrams. And he just kind of relaxes. He's overdone it. He overdid it. When we went played Pebble Beach, he ate too many marijuana cookies because he's like, my back's hurting. I'm out of time. I'm not to another ten milligrams. I feel like thirty million. Forty milligrams of marijuana. And he was white knuckling it on the cliffs.

He was like, I just I fucking can't.

And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? Are you playing Pebble Beach?

It's not cheap. It was my treat to him. Yeah.

Get ready to kick off the tour. And I was like, why don't I fly my dad up? We'll play Pebble Beach. We'll have it. We'll play Spyglass.

Pebble Beach played Spyglass had a great time. I had an eagle play Pebble Beach. And everything went fucking wrong gives to play with another group or now with another group and they go, do you want. By the way, I'm not that anyone else's podcast is ever playing Pebble Beach. It's so fucking ridiculously expensive.

I mean, there might be people. No one. It's not done. Makes sense, really. It it does not make sense. How much does it cost. Like I want to I I'll just tell you because I think you can find out. I think it's six grand around what.

Liow per person. Yup. I think by the way it's either six Grand Prix around or six grand for the room, but you can't get you can't play Pebble Beach unless you rent a room at Pebble Beach. Oh. And stay there. Yeah. So you have to stay there but you can't stay there for one night. You've got to stay there for five nights, you've got to rent the room for like fucking three nights. So they get so expensive that I'm just saying that, I'm just saying that it is something only old white men do.

Right. It is. That is who is on that course.

It is Canadians and old white people and old white people from Canada and all white people from Canada. And then me and my dad and I didn't fit in. I was like the odd man out because I was younger than, like, you just it just didn't make sense. They go, Do you want to caddy? And my dad's like, Oh, we don't need a caddy and we should have gotten a caddy. We definitely should hang gotten caddy because once you don't get a caddy, they're almost like, go fuck yourself.

But if you get a caddy and then the other group got a caddy and then he wouldn't speak to us at times because he was like he were like whisper what club used to the other people? And you're like, oh, come on.

By the way, that guy I can't tell us. But again, but I ran into I did San Jose and I met Slicky. And by the way, hold on. There are two caddies that listen to this at Pebble Beach that came to my show in San Jose that are big fans of the podcast. Yeah.

And they're like, oh, you play Pebble Beach. Who's the Caddy? Because I talked about this once they go, who's the Caddy?

And I told them and they're like the caddy, that what that wouldn't talk to you?

He wouldn't talk to us. This is kind of like he was an OK guy, but he was a little bit of a dick, like it was on par on the fourth hole. I was like, I think I can reach the green.

And he was like, no, you can't. And I was like, well, you're not my caddy, so shut the fuck up. And he's like, no one can reach the green. And I was like, bullshit. I've played this on Tiger Woods golf, the Greens reachable.

And he was like, you can't raise the green. And I was like, I think I can.

And and I, I hit one. By the way, if you win, you have a caddie there, like the play by the rules.

I don't play by the fucking rules. I do whatever the fuck I want out there. So I hit one. It goes into the fucking ocean and I go hit. Another one is like, you're taking a mulligan. And I go, or I'm just going to hit until I reach the fucking green to prove to you you're fucking wrong. I'll hit. I'll spend one hundred and eighty dollars were the balls to hit that fucking green.

So I hit the next one and I got up in the sand by it and I was like it wasn't on the green. It was close fucking enough.

Yeah. But I told them about this and then they're like, oh my God.

Do we have got about that guy there at my we're at the bar after my show and I just fucking they were just telling me stories about this guy and how he got fired and I was like she got fired. Oh my God. Oh my God. I wish I could tell. I'll tell you I'll tell you this much. And by the way, I haven't said any names, so no one said to no one can. Not only did he I by the way, not this is rumors, but I just feel bad because I he got he did something and the head of the company went to go talk to him to say, hey man, you can't do that on the course.

OK, it's twenty nineteen. You can't be doing that on the course.

Mm hmm. And as they went up to talk to him, he was blowing rails of coke off his dashboard and that's how they fired.

OK, now you're definitely fired it back. He's there. I just going to find out about this one. Yeah, whatever. How am I am I'm not responsible. You're not responsible for it.

It was my birthday and I had a really nice birthday at home with my family, had a great time. And you surprised me. I just wanted to say thank you for putting together this. You sent me individual videos and then you made a compilation that was really, really sweet. Thank you for making this. Thank you.

For the people that don't. Enough to the machine for his best friend's birthday. Secura. Happy birthday. Oh, you. How are you? Happy birthday, dear. This is Tom. But how long has it been since? You've had your scrummy eaten or have pizza that I used to work with big cocks, but not quite like that. And that guy was just amazing to me. Oh, the last girl. The last girl that. Oh, that.

By the way, that is my name, Dana. Great day.

Such a big fan. Well, I have a great day in Florida. I know now, but. I'm going to find out where the bodies are on. There were so many they do this is the the short version, the everyone's videos. I mean, there's so many were so funny.

It well, it started as a it was the sweetest thing to have all these adult performers do, like genuine happy birthday things.

Actually, I got to call them out. I said I was going to call them out and I have all their direct messages to me.

OK, but what was so great about this was I put it I had a I had an idea that I was going to have adult performers sing Happy Birthday and then cut it together like a Gal Gadot video. Yeah. And so I put it out that night. I put out a tweet saying, yeah, I saw you said, like anybody, an adult.

And then what would happen when they say I, I would.

I'll show you exactly. I'll go to I'll go to.

One of the first ones was, did you have like a copy and paste message that you would, you know, I mean or would you explain each one?

Like I would I would say this to Carol Baskin's, the one of the first one that reached out was Brooklyn. Just a great. Nope, that's not her. Kiren Nguoi. She's on there, OK. And so she hit up and I said, I want to do a Galgut Gadot style imagine video, but singing Happy Birthday to my best comedian, Tom Sawyer. Are you interested? His birthday is tomorrow and she goes, That would be awesome.

I'd love to see you said just a video of me singing Happy Birthday. I said, awesome, thank you. Just record yourself. Singing Happy Birthday to Tom's girl with whatever creative touches you want in landscape mode. I'll add it together and we'll definitely be talking about our podcast sharing and tagging. I didn't tag anyone. I'm sorry. It's just too much work. I got so many replies. I didn't think. I thought, like, I get six people.

Yeah. So I could. You only need six to do Happy Birthday and I got Kira new. I'll give them all shout. Lisa and winner Jade Amirah Dragon Ryan MacLane Natalie the Queen. Destiny Love. Alex Legend is the one at the I think Alex Legend played guitar. Is that the guy that started it. Yeah, he's the first one because this is for the machine. Yeah.

And his real accent. Or is he putting on an accent for the video. I have no idea. Google Alex Legen and let's see him. Fuck, I wanted to see it.

Yeah, self bookings, you can book him by yourself. Sure. Oh, there he is. That's what you wanted to see. Nice piece of. Let's hear him talk, though. More you and less them, is that it, that whoa, that him he's a good looking dude, by the way. He does a lot more. Let me give a shout out to. He goes, I have a few other skills besides banging girls. I also write Beat Alex Legend, we're looking for a collapsed birthday state.

That's Ron Jeremy, Ron Jeremy, yeah, Jesus.

Here we go, I'm going to keep giving them shouts, yeah, crafty cause Abigail Mack, John Schneider, I think John Schneider is not that's not a porn star.

Sorry.

Abigail Rogers, Ryan Cona, Jamie Foster, Silver Sage Lynn, London River is on there. Tabitha Stevens, Joanne Angel, Carmen Valentine, Dana Diamond.

I know Dana from she used to be good friends with broadband. Yeah, she's a big comedy fan. Katie Kennedy, Kennedy, Kennedy, by the way. I feel weird. Isn't crazy because I listen to that whole podcast. Yeah, we can. Yeah. I felt actually very weird because she was like I be naked or something and I was like, no. Oh right. Because I feel like I know her. It's totally different. So weird.

I would. And by the way, I didn't tell any of the girls get naked. I just said, do whatever you want. They'd be like is anyone wearing tops? And I was like, it's not I was like, I wouldn't mind more of what fucking fucking Adrian Tetrick did.

Holy fuck Adriana. Right. I'm I don't know Marissa. Only Marissa, only fans. Alluring Ali, Kiki Dodder, Adriana Chadwick, Ron Jeremy Ryan, Kelly, Matt Jones. Matt Jones is no, he's from Kentucky Sports Radio.

Is that everybody? No. Uh, Sean Biggerstaff, Leha M.V. Anniversary, Lydia Black, Dahlia Dee and Whitney Morgan. Awesome. Those are all the pawns. And Trinity St. Clair. And Laura Lapidus, nice, it was an awesome video, Ilorin Lapkin No, no, no. In that case, as an actress, my dad, Lorna Lapidus, has a new movie with David Spade coming out. But that was really cool to get all them.

So I said that I sent it out and then I that night.

It's fucking fascinating to see. No disrespect, but it's fascinating to see the workload of a porn star.

Yeah, very similar to a comic. So like there are certain comics that are sober, don't party just about the work. Let's make some money. And when you put out a thing like that, they're like, great, I'll get a video to you tonight. I'll be there in the morning like, awesome. Then they're the comics like me that are like drunk and they're high and they're like, fuck, yeah, you want one done? And then they wake up at noon the next day and they're like, oh fuck.

Forgot you still want the video. You got those messages? Oh, I got a lot of those. And it was funny. They're all but I woke up that morning and I said to LeAnn, I go, I forget the first video, but I go, oh my God, I, I had this idea last night on I show you and I showed her the first video and she couldn't stop laughing.

And I just started watching the videos. There were like five of them and I started watching them. She goes, just send that to Tom. And I was like, oh no, I'm going to edit them together. And she goes, Oh, no, honey, them singing Happy Birthday is so much funnier than you editing it together. So I sent you three and you're like, that's awesome. And then they just kept coming. Yeah. And they kept coming.

And I just I got to be honest with you, man, I was I didn't know what some of them were going to do. Yeah, well, I thought I because you sent me the first few and they were just, you know, they were nice videos and they were they most of them were doing the like, who is this? You know, like. Yeah. What's his name. The first girl with the with the top. Top.

I wish I remembered her name. I don't know a lot of their names.

Oh I know her name. Yeah.

You're talking about in the in the first one that you sent me. Oh yeah. Yeah. Keep going up. Keep going down. That girl's beautiful by the way and it's so funny. I thought she was in Florida. Didn't seem like she's in Florida.

Could be Florida. Sure. Yeah, which girl you're talking about, she was hilarious, she was radio in and she did whipped cream and then she goes, That's you. Is that who that is? Joanne Angel? Yeah. I don't know how I know, but yeah, this one was great.

This one I was not expecting at all because it looked like the first that made me laugh smashing her. That's what made me laugh. Do you see the video of her. Just her ashik.

Happy birthday dear. Talk to you.

Oh it made me laugh.

Uh, it's interesting because I thought if I post one online, there's Norman Summerton. Oh, I can't see that.

It makes me go back to a porn star. They have control. You're talking about the Instagram one that you're talking about. No, no, no, no. All I know is that. They what was that one? Oh, yeah, who's she? That's Abigail Mack. That's Abigail Mack. Yeah, that one made me laugh because she was like I couldn't tell if she was doing a bit or not.

She was doing a bit. And then she's a big fan, like she was doing a bit.

Yeah, I loved it man. It was really fun and they were really cool to play along. They were. Now we need to do that for porn stars. So there is a point. I was by the way, I kept saying adult film star child porn stars a slur.

All right. But if there's a porn star out there, by the way, Ron Jeremy has been cool as fuck.

He was really nice. He did like five videos. And and and by the way, how cool was it to see Evan Stone?

Yeah, my wife goes, who's? And I go, that's Evan Stone. She was like, he's a porn star.

I go, Oh, honey, legend. I pulled up a fucking video of him fucking like in the early 90s. Yeah. She was like, oh my God. I go, look, he's just he's just getting older. Yeah. But he's a good looking dude and he was and he's come to our shows. Do you remember that. No.

We used to do those shows for vivid video. Me, you and I, there's a picture of me, you, Evan Stone and Nick Nick.

Oh, my God, I remember doing a vivid video. I did I did one in Melrose and you did one in Irvine and Munich.

And Evan are shirtless in a picture. And that same day, me and you took a picture where we were holding each other's bellies like my hands around your prom picture, dude. And I showed my wife Edmonstone Fucking and she did not stop.

She was like, oh, my God. And they go back up. He did like 2000 movies or something.

It's crazy, man. I got a little star struck when Edmonstone replied. I was like calling me crazy.

Wouldn't it be crazy if, like, you're Evan Stone now and then somebody doesn't know? I'm like, what do you do?

Like for the last 30 years? And you're just like, just fuck the shit out of people on camera. Like, a lot. A lot like how many times I three or 4000. There should be a movie like a movie where like whatever. But it would be cool to see Evan Stone fuck.

Now I'm sure he does like but nobut to get himself out of trouble, to get himself out of trouble like, like, like, like someone just thinks he's because he's getting older, they're like oh he's, he's, you know, like ageism.

They're like. Oh I still put Dick down. Yeah. I don't think I can't fuck the shit out of you woman.

Like I would like to see Evan Stone start fucking like go through a sorority house and just fuck a bunch of young chicks and just fucking with the you can probably direct that movie if you wanted to pay for it too.

Yeah.

My, my tour bus driver Ron wants me to do one with with Christy Mack. I told you that. Yeah. And pay for it.

Cool. How are you going to do that Bill.

And you can fuck Christy Mack and I'll film it and then I'll just own it myself.

Well you can start your own little only fans page.

You know, those only fan pages are legit. Yeah. Are you subscribing as I subscribe to a view. Yeah, it's brilliant.

I got to be done and see you and I'll I'll pimp out all these yet ladies and men who have men obviously too. I say that. But forget the people jack off to men too. But these only fan pages are trustworthy. What you do is you put your credit card on and you then it's almost like an Instagram. You put your credit card on and you get credit.

So say you buy 60 credits, then you can allot ten credits to one porn stars page. Oh, OK. So you're not putting your credit card down and then they just charge it every month you buy credits and then those credits go for what you call it and then you can tip out certain performers and go, hey, who are you?

Who are you? Um, I don't want to say, because then I would feel like I would be disloyal to some of them. Why? Because I don't want to. I don't want people to go. Wait, why don't you do mind. Fuck you like I feel weird. I've always felt like that would with even with strippers when like a stripper like you get to dance.

I was like I got to let her down easy. I was like, oh I'm OK.

You're really attractive but I'm not getting a dance right now. She'd be like, I don't really give a fuck fuck face. Yeah, I just want your money.

Yeah, I just want your money asshole. What's, what's her name.

Um, uh, I can definitely say me and Ron, the way I found only fans was Christy Mack and she had a good one. Oh me and Römer the fucking barbecue joint. And I was like, I always want to go to these only fans. It's like, do it, do it. He's like, you have money, fuck it, do it. And so we bought a membership to Christy Mack.

We bought because he would borrow my phone for periods of time.

Who's trying to think, oh my God, Lisa Trager told me that she says, I didn't interact, that Adriana Chadwicks only fans is outstanding.

I am getting married right now. By the way, Adriana, touch someone.

We've talked about her a number of times, but someone said to me, they're like, oh, bro, if you're looking for a porn star, you've got to fucking check out Adriana Tezak. Yeah, like, really in there. Like, she sucks Uber drivers dicks.

And I was like Lisa told me that she gave me a play by play and she definitely made it sound pretty incredible.

Adriana Mm hmm. I spelt that for Ade.

That's not surprising. We got to actually wrap up now. So thank you guys for listening. Thank you for watching. Burkittsville, Adriana Choucha.

There he is. Here's her Adriana fans only Birte, thank you for the birthday gift.

And Tom, you don't want to see this with me.

Well, I just I'm trying to say goodbye. All right. Hey. Yeah, happy birthday. So very much so. Thanks for doing that.

Yeah. It was a fun podcast. Love you. Love you guys. Thanks for watching. We'll stay safe.

Everybody say I love you, Tommy Bird, Tom, Tom and one gobstoppers while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call sandbaggers. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what more call to Vegas on Katie.