Oh, snap, there's hot gear, mirch method, dotcom slash cigarette head on over Mersch by the dotcom slash Tom Sagara dubious one case.

I'd like to thank our sponsor, Woop Woop wearable fitness tracker right here. I got mine on. Thank you for sending me a new one. Wub.

I lost my old one. It's awesome. It gives you personalized insights into your performance, your strain, how well recovered you are.

All this awesome data, resting heart rate, heart rate variability, you know what you do to it.

And then you input information like did you drink caffeine, screentime, share your bed, all these little things that you realize altogether over time, build this incredible bank of data that lets you know how things affect basically your own well-being. Have you worked out with a strain?

Coccia Yeah, I have it. It's pretty cool because you literally see yourself move the needle. The harder you work out and it forces you to work out harder.

There's a strain, coach, there's a sleep coach lets you know what's going on with you that day. So listen, for our listeners, whoopers offering 15 percent off with the code bears at checkout. Go to woop w h o p dotcom enter bears brc at checkout, save fifteen percent, sleep better, recover faster and train smarter. Optimize your performance with Woop.

As folks adapt to this changing world, we're all going to be buying more stuff online than ever. And if you're an e-commerce seller, are you ready to meet the demands of this new delivery culture? Well, you can be ready with ship station station when you're selling online.

Getting a lot of orders out fast can be tough. How do you keep track of those orders? Who gets what? Which shipping carrier should you use? Are you getting the best rates? That's why you need ship station. It's the fastest, easiest, most affordable way to manage it.

Ship your orders just a few clicks and you'll be managing orders, putting out labels, getting products happily to customers. Ship station makes it that easy.

We ship station at our four Burba Burkum and our orders have been way up. I'm blown away at how we got a new shirt, by the way, a Burba Bergkamp whisky cockblock dog and would be using ship station. Pick them out. Here's what I love about Ship Station is that it works with all the major carriers USPS, FedEx, UPS, even Amazon fulfillment. So you can compare and choose the best shipping solutions for your customers. And my favorite part, and this is what sold me, they offer big discounts on shipping costs.

Now, any business like myself at Birte Inc can access the same postage discounts that are usually reserved for the four large Fortune 500 companies.

So you always know you'll be getting the best deal. Keep your customers happy, keep your costs low, save money on shipping.

No wonder it's the number one choice of online sellers. You'll be shipping more in less time with the best rates available.

And right now our listeners can try ship station for free with six for sixty days. When you use the offer code cave, make sure your business is ready to meet the demands of delivery culture. Get started at ship station Dotcom today. Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in cave. That is ship station dot com. Then enter the code cave ship station. Make ship happen.

Let's start to show you this. This is expected to become very, very hot and looking good, looking good. He's burned. Krischer, I'm sorry, just put the pedal to the metal. It is a perfect way to start off the show. 12 years in the making. It's going to be a fucking shit show, but everyone's going to get a hundred percent.

I mean, that's really bad.

I wish you really wish you you said you wish you could be racist for recording.

So I do things. I'll do things as a joke to the girls, which is a character. I do. I did it like where you say like ignorant things like yeah. It's because she's a woman. Yeah. Yeah. And and pointed out the other day, you know, you are still saying those things like, you know, it's a character but you're doing it and the girls are laughing and you're just promoting like really ignorant thoughts to the girls.

And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. But that's what's funny.

I mean, you know what you're going to love how ignorant you are going to love. Yeah. Love when you and the boys when you can, like, slide in some disinformation about push to the boys.

Yeah.

And you guys team up, you get in the car and they're like, wow, mom's acting like a bitch and you're like and you guys commiserate about it. Yeah.

We do that to LeAnn so fucking much I can't wait.

Oh it is so much fun. I will do it. Yesterday when I was teachers was like, you need to I don't work with school Oggi.

That's like the online thing. Just email me, resend all those things you've done. And LeAnn was livid. She was like, that's not fucking cool. The kids turning on their work on time. Just because you don't know how to use the fucking program doesn't mean the kid has to go through. Yeah. And she was really worked up and there at the desk, the table and Eila leans back and looks at me. You're. Stylianos, like and the way they do it to me now, that's what's horrible other like Dad is, is he the big thing is to discount Dad's having one of his not days in a row right now.

No, no. They're they're oblivious to booze like they've seen the get drunk because LeAnn acts different when she gets drunk. I never really act totally different to understand it. So they're like drunk. Are you drunk right now? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think they just assume. Yeah. And so although George is big, as I said one time I go I could go a year without drinking and Georgie goes, oh someone can go a year.

She says I stop.

I lost yesterday. I had a cold beer and she goes, you know, beer account is not going a year. You know that, right, Dad? No, I'm fuck off.

So what is what is LeAnn like when she's drunk? Oh, you didn't see it? I don't remember. Oh, she sassy.

Oh, she's it's like it's almost like, you know, when you get off of a treadmill and you wouldn't understand that, but like yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like when you get off a treadmill and your legs are like that, like I don't know, it's like your legs are like rubber bands. Oh yeah. That's what Lianne's Tung's like.

She's just like, she's like oh yeah. I'll fuck. I'll fucking I'll shit my bad like just real crazy.

And the girls the last time Leanne got drunk. I have it. I'll text it to you if you really not seen it.

No, no send it. Oh it is so fucking funny and it is so fucking funny. Yeah.

LeAnn gets loopy. Loopy. I'll send it right. What are the kids, how do they get on you when you said like you know I mean that they point stuff out, what do they do.

It's very accurate. It's what I think I've been accused of by everyone in my entire life, which is is stretching a story a tad bit. So everything I say, it's all that like I got bit by that one time and they're like, I'm telling the story and I'm telling the story. And I see LeAnn saying that the girls like, let's talk about George in the front seat because it never happened. And I was like, hold on a second.

Did you say it never happened? And she didn't realize you said it out loud. She was like, no, I'm just saying like.

I'm saying like, no, I'm sure you got bit by that, honey, and I'm like, hold on one second, I definitely got my fucking bat and they're like and I was like, where was it? I said, it was in a bush.

And then they start picking my story apart and then, like, a lot of bats hang out in bushes that I was like, guys, trust me, I got bit by that.

This would be primo content to have. I'm going to out.

You know what I'll do? I'm going to tell the story. I'll start telling the story and I'll film it and I'll show you them shitting on me. Yeah. The other day we're in the at the new house and we're throwing the ball with Izzy and I'm talking on the phone with Nick Nucifora. And all of a sudden I trust Paul and this cunt fucking dog of ours takes out my knee full clip like it's me as hard as she can in the knee.

Not on purpose. Just she's an idiot. Yeah. I go to the ground and hit my knee hard as shit. I thought I blew out my knee and then I just goes, I'm on the ground.

I'm on the ground on all fours. And LeAnn goes, Honey, what are you doing on the ground? And I go, is he took out my knee and I look she goes, she grazed him. And I go, hold on. I'm on the fucking ground. And she goes, Yeah, Dad, we get it.

And I'm like, everything I do is dude bullshit.

They are perfect for you. They're exactly what you need in your life.

It is so bad, Tommy. It's like they, you know what they are. They're you, they're fucking you. They're they go. The big thing they have is right now about Paul baths.

They're like a pool doesn't get a shower. And I'm like, that's not just me saying a pool is not a shower. It's not times crazy perspective.

Do you know I caught the am I caught Lee-Anne watching us, me father tearing us. Laughing Yeah, I was just watching that just over and I'm just watching it and goes she goes it makes me laugh so hard. She's like, what, what are you guys laughing about. And I was like, I don't even fucking know.

I'll get Leeann drunk and you will I'll text them to. Yeah. Drop it or drop it.

I'll just text it and that's my heel. What were we. Oh, here we go. Here we go. You ready to drop it.

Look, look, look, look, look, look, look at the screen here. Drop it there. Yeah. By the way.

I'm almost Yeti's of them. Airdropped to going to your mom's house? Yeah. Steady, you getting it? OK, yeah, the girls fuckin like I won the Florida State Regatta and when I was in college and I bring that up every now and then, that, uh, you know how I like this is what I explain to the girls.

This really defines me. OK, sometimes what I'm feeling, I don't feel like you're going to understand with just regular words and reality. Right. So I need to pump it up. I need to pump it up so that just that's not it, obviously. Did you not get like seven of them? Yeah, I sent a bunch of different ones to you guys. So that wait is what you're saying right now related to what you're about to show us?

No. Yeah, I sent you seven. These are the ones. No, this is Leon drunk. Hold on. That these guys are fucking amazing. Oh, yeah. Hold on that.

And obviously, the one of me getting my ass marks when I was twenty six. Is not Lee-Anne drunk.

Yeah. Jesus, what are you guys fucking stupid. So here's my point.

Sorry sometimes how I feel, I feel like I can't relate to you so I will or I'm afraid I won't get your attention right.

I don't know what it is about me with acceptance or whatever it is. So I will punch things up to make sure I grab you right or I will punch things up so you know how I feel. That makes sense.

I never heard you articulate that, but it makes more sense. It's exactly what I do. We figured it out because when I got hit by the dog, my first thing I said and I said I we may have to go to the hospital now. I knew I didn't have to go to a hospital. I knew it. I knew I didn't know what you wanted, but I wanted them to know this was really true.

So I need to take it here so that you guys know I'm here.

And that explains your entire personality. It explains everything. We whittled it down. It made it so. So you just discover this. When I got hit by the dog, we were at dinner that night. We were having dinner.

And it's like even the way you say hit by the dog, it sounds like truck.

And, you know, I mean, yeah, I do it. I do it because I go like when I was 22 years old, I got involved, the Russian mafia.

Now, I don't know what it is about my personality. It makes for a good storyteller. But when I go, why when the Florida State Regatta. Well, I don't tell you the truth of that was it was a sailing class. Ultimately, one out of eight kids was going to win the regatta that year. But it was just a sailing class that you make it sound like a world of Vega.

And the girls have found out have whittled down. When I do that and they can pinpoint it, it's essentially like the girls mantra is now dad's full of shit.

What they're basically saying is whatever dad saying, cut it in half. Right. Cut it in half and then that's what you're getting. Right.

And so, like, when I go, I was bit by a bat. They really don't they. But they don't know. I was really gentlemanly. But by back where.

On the leg in Costa Rica. Filming. Yeah, filming.

I got did it maybe fly by who was in a bush as a sickly bat in the bush. Could have been a Beatle. Now maybe by the way, I don't remember technically getting bit by that.

I just know I had a bat bite on my leg and the waitress said, oh, I think you got bit by a bat. And I went home. You said, I definitely got bit by. And then I started spiraling. And I do remember walking by a bush that day feeling a little prick on my leg. I was like, I got bit by him.

It was about it was a bug. It was a bat. It was a bug. It was a bat.

And so the girls just it's like and now what's happened is anything I tell them. Yeah.

Just fucking because they know it's likely likely that it's that it's that whatever information they're getting has been pumped up so much that they're like and if I show emotion, for instance, they know that a mosquito bite you on the leg.

It was a bat. It was definitely a bat. Yeah. If you go through my Instagram you'll see a bat bite on my leg and you'll go, that's a fucking bagpipe.

Hands on Catholic.

Hands on the. See this. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This so this is and this is why the girls don't see that when I drink. They don't see it.

Now you may want to go to the first video I sent you in and watch it sequentially.

OK, look, you did that. This is this is Liane.

She did a podcast with her friends and she was doing a happy hour podcast and she was drinking, OK, someone's drunk.

She doesn't want to be exposed to it.

You guys come in here and help your mother. Mom's buzzed and she needs love and hugs.

She's just filled the water. There still are under their water.

How much did you drink but a bottle of wine?

I love Mom's wasted.

Yeah, I know she's already said to feel she set off the alarm as you guys give your mom some love real quick.

Some drunken love I have to throw up. Are you serious? You're not throwing up. You're not going going here. Where are you guys going? How much? You're what? She's not a cougar. She's a panther.

The Panther Loki nicknamed herself the Panther that night. Oh, man. Right. Yes.

Likes is he won't tell you're sleeping next to a panther one more. And then she's one. She's so panther. She is fucking she said so panther.

I'm so panther. Oh so panther. I thought she was a panther. Meaning like she's after those black eyes.

You I told you the black eyes.

You want to up with Bernard Hopkins who wants to tell you some.

He gives her back. It's not the same.

Just see you know gives her a place up in his car.

He goes, all right, I'm at the front door. And he made me take care of him.

She comes waddling up. Wow, that was a long weekend behind her is this one she threw up in the bed.

Uh, no, she put water all you spit water all over me. She's like water all over Europe. OK, OK, that's it.

That's it. Do you hear that? Yeah, that is it. She spit water all over me and then George goes, it's a drop right now. Here's this is what's going on in my family is she did spit water all over me. But no matter what I say now. Right, they cut it down to it was a drop. Now go and look how much water she spit in the bed. Tell me this is a fucking drop.

OK, let's see. Let's see.

This whole thing she did nothing is what I do. Yes. Jesus Christ. OK, look, keep going.

Look at the things will drop. Hey, this is all this is all on my side.

You can't see it really, but that's all fucking water. And so that's what they do is like now whenever you're going to have to deal with it, you're always going to have to deal with this. You realize that, right? You know, it'll always be cut in half.

Everything I say will be cut in half. And because it's your fault.

Yeah, yeah. Everything everything goes on me. And so.

No, no, no. I don't mean that. Like it shouldn't be. It's justifiably. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not my fault. It's not my fault. It is your fault. It's not my fault dude.

It's because you're the great exaggerator that even when you do tell the truth, it's going to be located.

So it is your fault. How many days in a row sober are you right now?

Yeah, I'll tell you, by the way, I had a lot of I thought I was going to get a lot of backlash from people, none more.

So I think we could find a few for you. Not why I didn't look really.

I didn't mean I don't read guys. I saw if you didn't read comments. It's funny.

It's funny how, like, you're especially talking about sobriety. You dial into people's legit fucking brain.

Like when you when you obviously I was lightheartedly joking around about sobriety, but you're dealing with like legit people's lives and. Yeah. And people got fucking pissed, but not as much as I thought. I got a lot of people hit me up in there like it was really kind of crazy. I'm not going to tell the stories because they were like they were like kind of upsetting a little bit. But some people were like, I mean, you definitely don't have a problem.

I wish I could figure it out the way you did. I did dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. And you're like, holy fuck, yeah.

One month, twenty days and twenty three hours.

You're sober for that time. Technically I got fifty. How many days. Forty nine I forty nine.

Forty nine days sober. Out of habit. Anyone. OK, not bad, not bad at all. Forty nine. I've got to figure a way to say it quicker. So that because every time I do it, it's a preamble. Yeah, you want less of an explanation? I want definitely less. Makes me want to be able to, like, kind of get through it on a flight. When you're when you're sitting next to someone, you're like, you know, I've been sober for, like, most of the last couple of months.

Yeah. Another double Titos. I think the real challenge is yesterday, Cinco de Mayo at the new house really yard.

And we got drinking a cold one. I dude, I was that kind of beer was it is a Stella.

I'll tell you right now. Three there were three beers, right. Yeah. And so I thought this is a good test. Have a beer. If I like it I'll have another one. But at most I can have three and then we're going to go home.

Yeah. And I'm good to drive I'll tell you. No, no, no, don't drive.

And so yeah I. I'll tell you, man, I don't mean to run this flag up and to anyone that's dealing with recovery, but there's no better feeling than a nice cold beer when you haven't had a beer. And like we have had a drink in two weeks, a nice cold beer. And there's no guilt or like associated with you, just like, God damn it, this is fucking good. I even have one of these in a while.

And I murdered that beer and it was ice ice cold and it was hot out. The sun was setting. I was like tasting another one. And then I was like, and all I can think of. And I got a shout out to Sheryl Crow. Every time I get a three beer buzz, I think of fucking Sheryl Crow. I think of Sheryl Crow. Is that what you had yesterday? Three beer buzz.

And it was awesome. Then the key becomes like an hour after that. You're like, oh, I could definitely party into the evening. Yeah, like, there's no question. But the girl took me on an adventure and so I got home and then all of a sudden the beer buzz was gone like and I didn't feel hungover. I just was gone. We sat watch mean girls. I lifted weights.

He didn't drink any more is kind of count. I don't think it counts is that we're going to say it just I didn't want to count it, but I counted it when I just told you. I think it's good to count it.

And today, three beers. I mean, it's not a lot. I give you that. So then you could say I could drink three beers every day for the rest of my life because I would love that.

You have to listen. I would love three beers, man. An ice cold beer when you haven't had one.

Not not not the morning beer at a at an airport where you're like, I just need to get on a plane and you have a mint in your cheeks.

You don't throw up like that. Oh man.

Do you realize as much as people think I exaggerate, do you know how much I hide things where I don't tell you like real things? Oh, I know.

I'm aware I am aware of the things you hide, traveling you as an alarming experience, you know.

Oh, we got on a plane and you did like fucking seven drinks and eight in the morning and you're like, anyways, what do you do when we get there?

I remember doing it in front of Steve Byrne and Steve Byrne was like like just staring at me. We're in a car. We're like an hour drive to the airport. And I went through a six pack of beer and he was like he was like, it's it's four in the fucking morning. And I was like, well, yeah, technically we're still out.

Yeah, but man three I like three beers now.

Aren't you like don't you miss taking that three beer buzz and just driving it all the way. Yeah.

I mean like no I'm right now I'm in such a weird space of a little bit of teetotaling of like I get this thing where I get kind of in my head about feeling good and wanting to work out, wanting to lose weight and like and so not really.

I am by the way, when I did do that, I wasn't, I was never really it was like I was chasing something that wasn't there sometimes, you know, like like on those nights, like on a flight where it was like, get up early, leave Boston, fly to L.A., get home, get back in the it was like I was drinking, but I wasn't even drinking. I give a fuck. I was just doing it and having a cigar.

I was trying to like raise my daughter, like raise my mood in a weird way, like like I wanted a cigar so badly.

This whole fucking quarantine. Yeah. But I, I don't I won't do it because I don't want to fuck with my lungs. So I don't, I don't want I don't want anything with, you know, for the carnival.

So in a weird way I become like a teetotaller like I don't want to touch a cigar until this is over. Yeah. I'm not going to smoke a joint until this is over.

And so, so and then I haven't been drinking ultimately just cause I want my immune system to be better ultimately, but I want to lose weight. I'm tired of being fucking where I'm at physically. I just would love to be a little better shape. Yeah. Yeah. So and so. Last night it was really fun. And by the way, not I didn't want to chase last night. What I wanted to do was I wanted to do it again tonight.

I don't want to do it again tomorrow night. But that's what I'm addicted to, is like I want that. Last night was so perfect.

The sun was setting, the beer was ice cold. It tasted amazing. Lianne said, Can I have a sip?

I was like, Yeah, she was a goddamn it's a good beer. And I was like, fuck, yes, she's a kind of one. I'm like, Get the fuck out of here, sister.

Yeah, we got three three. So no.

Well, speaking of wanting to look better and everything, because we both picked up on this today, I just was like, fuck man with that Adell shit.

So like Adele, for people that don't know, the very celebrated accomplished singer lost a hundred pounds and she posted a photo saying, I don't know what the fuck it is.

It's a is it a birthday picture or birthday or something. But anyways. People haven't really seen her like this, right? She's their first time and everybody was like most people rightfully were like, holy shit, you look amazing.

And then immediately the next lane of, like, the flood of responses became. She doesn't look amazing, guys.

Oh, I love this woman. I almost I almost because of her tweet, shout out to Kate Maham.

Oh, she writes, Can we please not celebrate Adele for losing weight like it's the ultimate achievement? The news articles and tweets are disgusting.

What I almost because of her tweeted Adele.

Amazing. This is all type type of bullshit.

Adele looks amazing. Adele looked amazing before the weight loss to Adele. Just is amazing. OK.

Oh, please read one that says Queen or Adele was always gorgeous regardless.

Said Yeah, OK, you can say that. But why is it bad to celebrate the, um, the achievement that it takes.

The discipline to lose 100 pounds, 100 pounds is intense. Yeah, it's fucking. And it's also indicative that somebody needed to lose weight. You can't lose 100 pounds unless you have 100 pounds to lose like.

Oh, and also make that a fucking shirt. That is like when you look at those pictures of her when she was big, like your everyone's thought was, well, yeah, she's a pretty lady. She's losing weight. And if you're like, that was never my thought. You're full of shit. Are you fucking stupid? Because she was obviously too in a like in two fifty to say I don't know what the fuck she was. She was huge.

So she lost one hundred pounds. Congratulations. You look great. Why are we fucking pretending this wasn't, you know, great big fat person that needed to lose weight.

And you did.

It's interesting that that that people can disassociate the health portion with it and go and when you're overweight, you are more unhealthy.

I know. Let me I'll just speak for myself. My blood pressure is higher. Yeah. My resting heart rate is higher. My HIV is higher. Like my sleep is worse.

So when I lose weight, I feel better. And all forms mentally, physically, I mean emotionally, it's always better. Right. It's better. No one wants to be fat. No. Like this whole thing. Like pretending like and you, you are beautiful and you do look great when you're, when you're overweight.

No. You don't know.

You don't see me naked. By the way, take a look at LeAnn Naked Landsdown. Eighteen pounds. Yeah I have pictures of her but before she lost weight. Yeah. I honestly don't even I mean I thought she was, I thought LeAnn was beautiful when she was overweight.

I didn't really care much but man she it's noticeably different. Like to the point where you go, God you look good like. Well of course man of course like she's beautiful but of course she looks better like we all would like. I'm the same way. I don't pretend like I look great. And if I lost fucking forty pounds right now you mean to tell me I'm that's not, I'm not better looking.

You look you when you're skinny you look different, like you look different and I think in a healthier way.

Zoom in on Annette's face though. Annette Adel's face.

Zoom in on dels face not I don't want like for fuckin Mama Cass, but like like go. Yeah, yeah. Right there where she looks like Pete Davidson's girlfriend.

Right bottom left.

OK, ok. That one. Yeah. Yeah. I like by the way I'm OK. For the record I've always thought that I was hot. She's, I think she's fucking hot in the shower. She's a beautiful person. She's the white one. Right. Yeah.

OK, now when she was at her biggest you could still see it. It's still a pretty face. Zoom in on this face.

I wonder if she looks like too skinny and her face. Hmm.

Let's see. Jesus Christ will zoom out is the opposite, but it's almost like it's almost like he has lobster claws for hands.

I don't know what he's doing. Can we go the opposite way now? So he did zoom all the way out. Can we zoom in? There we go, that's the other picture I hope people can see this zoom in. Can you want me to do it on my phone? You've done it a hundred times before, Zoom.

And God damn it, why is it still in the same frame? It won't zoom in.

You zoomed out completely and go to that picture. OK, now zoom. Zoom in.

It won't zoom, shoot. Fucking show them how to do it. God it. You've done this before.

OK, that we're getting there. All right, never mind, I'm going to Adele right now. Look, here's my here's the only thing I really want to say is that, by the way, we're not done with this. No, I know, but I just want to say that, like, what I really was trying to say before, it's something to congratulate her on. She does look great. She looked great before or find she looks better now.

We just she's got skinny like she got skinny woman legs to like she didn't keep coming.

She she looks legit. Awesome body like. And here's the deal is I don't I understand. Trust me, every range of emotion that you can have on the spectrum of weight loss and feelings about weight loss and everything I fucking have felt. But one of the things, one of them being I do not celebrate weight loss in my head because I understand there's not much more to it than depriving yourself of what you want and working out. It's just not eating what you want to eat.

Don't enjoy what you eat. And then working out. I get it. It's very simple. Super fucking simple, right?

I've said this in my head a million times. Any moron can do it. A moron can lose weight. And if you go to the gym, the people with the best bodies are often fucking moron like they just are.

I never saw this part of this together. It's killed me because you go the morons are good at this.

We'll go online, put up any Instagram influencer who wants to talk about their body. They are definitely a moron. The more interesting layered people are often fat.

I mean, Tom, we struggle with it.

We can lose weight. But like and I can tell you right now, when I start losing weight, I get dumber. Like, I can feel myself saying stuff like like a book, a really clean today, like like the fucking shit that would never come out of my mouth.

I got bit by bit. I did get hit by a fucking bat.

And I don't want you jumping in these fucking goddamn girls. So but this is and so I go I understand what that woman says when she goes, you shouldn't celebrate weight loss. I guess the ultimate achievement.

I get that because I feel that way.

However, there are two types of people in this world, people that talk about losing weight and people that lose fucking weight.

And I can say right now, hats off to Adele. She fucking did it. It takes it.

Is it effort? It takes discipline. It takes a you know, as much of being a moron. Is that any more I can do? It is still fucking discipline and not an achievement. It's it is an achievement. Yeah.

And that's not ten pounds men 100, 200 fucking pounds.

Now here's my question. Right.

Let's say we got let's say we got. Like the salesgirls I'm trying to figure out, like I don't know anything about girl weight, so say a girl's like one fifty one sixty one 180. Right, perfect. It's OK. You don't want her to get down to like 130 if she's wearing one because you like Attell.

Adele's got great tetanus.

My fear is that she might have gone too far east if that makes sense, lose too much weight and now she doesn't have great tits. I'd rather a little plumper Adele and the like say she was. Say she weighs one thirty right here. Right. I'd like her maybe at 160 180. You know, just to maintain bigoted, bigoted, bigger ass. Well, you heard it here first, fun and fun and fun and fun. Dude, let me tell you something.

Do you want Burt in your life? How old is Adele after she shaved her head?

I think you're thinking of someone else who shaved their head.

I thought it was Adele. Hmm, so funny, I thought she just shaved her head the other day. I know you guys will never find this, but I think about it this Adele's great. She's obviously a millionaire. Right? Should be fun to hang out with. But how much fun? Because everything's like like anything that's not on my diet. You know, I don't want a glass of wine. I got to get to bed early. My recovery has to be typed in.

Shaved head, shaved head. Did Adele shave your head though?

Just like to say that he's like shaved head.

Apparently a lot of people are shaving their right weather causing fuck. All right. Well, it looks like somebody shaved, shaved her head. There is a sliding scale of of how much fun a person is, is that is you don't want to skinny Adele might be exhausting to be around somebody fun, regardless of if they're skinny or not.

They do try foods like an ultimately like a fun person is going to be like, take a bite of this. Not like we don't eat any of this stuff. What time is it? Did you weigh that? Like, that's not a fun person. Do you think it's fun to hang out with Adele and she pulls out a scale at a restaurant? God, actually, I can only have half that chicken breast. Four ounces. Yeah, I-Max.

I don't want that at all. I want a little sloppier, soulful glass of wine. Let's go outside. Let's eat an edible and we fucking find ourselves at the bottom of a bag of Skittles at the other night.

That's OK. That's cool. Like that.

And that's finding the fine line with that. That's what I've been trying to do with drinking, is finding the fine line of like what's fun and what's not fun. Right.

You know, uh, listen, flowers are blooming, the grass is growing. It's time to mow your lawn. Thanks to our sponsor Manscape, you can trim the hedges below the belt safely and efficiently. I am, of course, talking about ball trimmers. Manscape is here to make sure your balls are smooth and smelling nice.

After all, it's time for some spring cleaning. I got to tell you, this has completely changed the way I take care of the hair around on and in and near my dick and balls. I used to just have to like pull on hairs.

I use scissors and razors and this manscape perfect pack is 3.0 is a game changer.

Precision engineered tools for your family jewels. Of course. It comes with the Lamore three pointer, waterproof, cordless body trimmer, incredible. Krupali Reviver. Keep your balls smelling fresh. Why wouldn't you want your balls to smells fresh? If you want someone's meltdown there, you got to make it appetizing. For a limited time. Subscribers get two free gifts the shed travel bag, thirty nine dollar value and the patented high performance, anti chafing manscape boxer briefs.

This is the perfect package for your perfect package that twenty percent off plus free shipping with the code cave. Twenty eight manscape larcombe. Do yourself a favor. Always use the right tools for the job. Get twenty percent off and free shipping with the code cave twenty at manscape dotcom. That's twenty percent off and free shipping at manscape dotcom. Use our code cave twenty. It's spring cleaning baby and your balls will.

Thank you. What's a common issue facing men that they don't always want to talk about? Think long and hard about this one. Did you know forty percent of the men by the age of 40 struggle with not being able to keep or maintain or get an erection? Guys turn to weird solutions.

And this is true in something like this. It's super private. You don't want to go to a doctor. You don't want to wait in an awkward long line. And you definitely don't want to go to a pharmacist to deal with these problems. So guys, go to I know Red does goes to gas stations. Yeah. And he gets those snake oil pills and he takes them. You don't have to do that right now.

Hims is one stop shopping for hair loss, sexual wellness for men and skin care. It was created by a man that knew that these conversations are better to have online sometimes than in person. So what he did, he started friends and they have now well-known generic equivalents to the name brand prescriptions that help you combat it.

Stop worrying about the in office doctor visits. Don't have to worry about that. If you're approved by a doctor, products are shipped directly to your door and now you can be your best.

When you need to be your best, it's erectile.

Without the dysfunction, this is going to be the hardest your life, your life. And you can do it right now. Try hims today by starting out with a free online visit. Go to forums. Dotcom slash gave that is forums 4r HIMSS dotcom cave forums, dotcom skyscape.

Prescription products are subject to approval and require an online consultation with a physician who will determine if a prescription is appropriate. See website, full details and safety informations. This would cost hundreds if you went to an in-person doctor visit or a pharmacy, remember, that's for him.

Dotcom cave. Well, hey, look, you know what we found?

It's pretty fucking fun. I do not want to see this this certain of it. No, this is pretty cool. OK, some fraternity boys that are big fans of yours. Yeah, I did like a frat celebration about you. Did you know this?

No. By the way, I'm so scared. And walking into this, this is for real. Oh, you get your headphones on. All right, give it give it to us. Oh.

So how are you liking hanging out with us so far? Right parties pay off the women. Awesome women. Women. What about parties? Cool.

Cool. OK, so you ready for the machine.

You ready? Are you ready for the machine? I don't think so. Are you ready for the machine. Machine. Machine. Oh, are you ready? You ready? Ready. You ready? No, seriously. What? What's the machine? Come on, man.

Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. Pretty girl right there. She goes, You fucking ready for the machine? Pounding, pounding She. It's a it's a gay porn. This is a porn. Oh, this is a real porn. This is a real porn. Yeah. Oh, they're fucking him in the ass. Yeah. Carol, we keep going. I think that's the end of our clip. Well, they're not getting fucked in the ass.

Yeah, no. Guys, what site is this from?

Gay 91 dotcom. Yeah. Gay 91. Yeah. You ought to see the butt fucking clip again.

Yeah. Yeah, please. His pants are on six six. Oh. You fucking ready for the machine. POW, pow, pow pow. Shit that hurts. But he's not getting fucked. He is. No. Yes. He's getting the machine from behind. No.

Yes. No that's a fucking that's an initiation. That's not they're not getting fucked in the ass guys. By the way, I think that's fucking awesome. You like it.

Yeah. Did you ever do anything like that in your frat. Yeah, you fucked a guy. No, but I tell you, man, there was like there was that was back when you get a legit Hayes. Yeah, I remember me and this guy brought this guy back into the woods one time. Plecki it was no. Was right before. Right before. Right before initiation.

It was like your last chance. And my body is hammered.

And he was as you have black guys in your fraternity. Yeah.

And so, yeah, we did. Well, I'm just asking that one. So we had like one Asian guy. It was Florida. What the fuck.

And so, um, so we brought this guy back into the woods.

It was like right before initiation were hammered and we're just fucking around. We were friends with them. I ended up living with a guy and one of my friends was like, all right, drop your pants. And by the way, no one ever did it. Like, you'd go drop your pants and they'd be like, what? And that was the joke. He'd be like, just kidding. Come on. And the other guy dropped his pants so quick and we were like, caught off guard, like, bend over.

And he, like, bent over. And we're like, now we're looking at his asshole. We're like, just get up, Jesus Christ, what the fuck are you doing?

And he was like, Huh? He had a blindfold on. We were like, Jesus. Oh, God, what do you think we're going to fuck you?

He was like, I don't know. You told me to drop my pants were like, God damn it, that's a fucking backbone.

You know, I never was in a frat, but there was this really abusive guy on my whole.

You just had a fucking single shooter.

So I just he was so mean to his roommate.

So I hear this like crazy death metal. I'm like, what is that?

And I go down, like, across the hall and I'm like, what is that? And I see that this guy is like he's like, oh. So I listen to meanwhile, his roommate is on the bed with a pillow over his head. I'm like, is he trying to sleep? He's like, I don't give a fuck.

This is my when I did it's so loud, like full volume.

And it was like Swedish death metal.

Like you couldn't even make out the sound that was coming out of his. I was like, dude, I go, you just make him listen to this.

I go he goes, yeah, till I'm ready to go to sleep if I come. And I was like, that's fucking you're crazy.

He goes, you wanna see some shit. And I'm like, yeah, I go, What.

And he pulls out a pair of brass knuckles, puts them on. He goes, Watch this. And while the guy sleeping he punches them in the ass like in the soft meat of his ass.

And you hear that guy just go, oh, it's like, what are you doing? He was like, fuck them. He hands them to you. Go ahead, Tom, do it. It's fun. Like, well, thanks. Oh, I walked in. Oh, I walked in to.

But I want to say it was like there was one on.

We all lived in Sally Hall. Me and my buddy Jeff lived on floor one.

But friends of the four or five and it was there were a bunch of cars our eight years and it was like four of them. And I walked in one night at like eleven o'clock at night. And I was and they're all they're all like getting ready for something.

Oh, what are you guys doing there? Like we said, our two you suite mates, we go we went in there and set their alarms to say that it was 5:00 in the morning. They have to be up at five.

So we're going to pretend like we're sleeping so that they have to get up and get changed. And we're just going to let them get totally changed, ready for school and then go. And then that joke's on them. And I was like, OK, man, they fuckin saw these two kids were ROTC and had to be up at like five to go do what some call it. Alarm goes off, everyone pretends to sleep and laying on couches, lights going on, whatever was like God damn it man fucking you know, what time is it like fucking eleven o'clock at night.

And these guys got all dressed in their fucking fatigues, walked out, went to fucking watch me call it.

And I was like, these guys have access to guns like you guys right. You fucking mind.

And they came back, they're like you motherfuckers. And I was like, fuck that man. I'm not good with pranks.

I mean they make me uncomfortable. Yeah. I mean, this, you know, at this one hall, it was pretty they were pretty abusive.

Where did you go to school in eastern Kentucky or something.

Yeah, eastern South Carolina or South Carolina. North Carolina. Where did you go to school, Lenore Ryan. Oh, that's not at all close, but it was in South Carolina. Right. North Carolina. Same time. Same same Carolina.

Yes. And so. And you went to a chuck.

Yeah, I was there a chuck and yeah. There's a I don't know, a small school. And this. Yeah. This one hall it was, it was our freshman hall was was pretty, pretty nuts.

There was just I mean I remember the same kid I shit in a bag and I put it in his pillow and then they're like his roommate was like, oh he's actually coming back.

You're allergic to shit. We took the bag and we threw it outside and it just sat in the sun for like a week, and then when the kid left again, I put it back in his pillowcase.

Jesus, what is this kid doing that he sells he sells car parts.

So this is the best part is that we decided to play cards in his room to what we wanted to watch him discover it, you know, so the four of us are playing cards and he's like, I want to go to bed, get up in his bunk.

And he lays down and he goes, and you change my sheets. And I was like, Oh, fuck.

So it gets off the bed.

It's like sitting there taking his sheets off and then he's like the fuck he looks in his pillowcase and he he turns it over and you see the bag of shit fall out.

And we were like, oh, and then he picks it up and he throws it to his roommate who's sitting next to me.

And I just but I go see it fly in front of me.

And he was so mad, but not at me. He was mad at the other kid because the other kid was always abusing him.

Oh. So he thought that he thought it could have been you. Right. Right.

But then like then people like the rumor was that I did it and I was like, I didn't do it. Mean who sits in a bag. Yeah. I was like, why would I do that to you?

And then I remember one of the the football players got really, really hammered and he was the starting left tackle. He was six, seven, three thirty.

And he got hammered and we thought a fucking gorilla was on the loose. OK, because you could hear him like hitting doors open were like, what the fuck is that? He comes into the room and he takes up the whole doorframe.

Yeah. And he's like, he's just been drinking Everclear. And this kid that they're fucking with is in the top bunk.

And he's like because he was like trying to sleep. He was like, the fuck is that?

And all this giant just takes the mattress and he flattens it against the wall. You just don't see the kid anymore. He's just flat against the wall.

And this is like, oh, like just hitting them against the wall, picks it up, throws it on the ground like he's going to kill.

And then he just stands in the doorframe and projectile vomits like you see vomit shooting out of him.

We're like everyone's like get out of his way man.

Oh but yeah, we had a good time on the we rallied to to save a girl one time.

Yeah. What do you mean.

Some fucking creep was was on our hall at the end of the hall and he was like he actually started to brag that he was bringing a girl up that was like fourteen. So like a group of us went down there and that's a guy who does not know social.

Yeah. He didn't know I'm fucking her. She's fourteen. Yeah.

He so we all went to his room. We were like, you can't do this man. And he was like, why not. We're like, what are you talking about man. Like she's she's not even 18.

She can't even be on campus without her parents.

So we're like, you got to go. We took the girl out and then we were like, for real. Yeah. We're like, you're not you're not welcome here. He left school. Oh, really? Yeah. He was a we could before that we all were like, something's wrong with him, you know, we knew.

Wow. Yeah.

I always, always wondered about the kids that you grew up with or went to school with.

It were like pathological. There was this guy for sure. For sure is in prison. Yeah. Like like those guys that were broken.

And then and then there was the kids that would tell tall tales like there was this kid. I was just his name's Robbie. But like every story he told was like about how rich they were and how he was. They had this whole mansion and everything and everyone was like, it's full shit is bullshit.

And then you and then I'm reading this book on Kim Jong un and apparently, like, he got felt in a corner one week and told everyone, you know, just, you know, because he went to a school in Switzerland for school and they didn't say, this is Kim Jong Il's kid. This is they just said this is a leap from a diplomatic diplomat's kid. And then one night, I guess he was like, fuck you, my dad runs North Korea, I'll kill you motherfuckers.

And, you know, they're all like, oh, sure, sure.

He runs North Korea. Yeah. Yeah, right. And they did.

And the first thing he did when he took over was like, check out my kill. My uncle killed everyone.

Yeah. He's because he had established power and then they they do like that three generation rule. They're when they wipe when like if you if you fucked up. Yeah. And I was like running and I was in charge, I would kill three generations so I'd kill you. So I kill like your parents and your kids, you know, I mean what they do there.

So it's like makes sense. Family lineage is gone. You got to kill everyone. You don't want them coming after you.

Yeah, he had a one of his. Uncle's killed, and he he was like, I don't want there to be a hair left. So when they killed him, they also, by the way, I'm the one that read the fucking book and I'm going, really?

Yeah.

When they when they kill them, they also use an anti-aircraft gun. So so that there wasn't even like, oh, dust.

He blew their heads off. Right. And he blew their heads off. I heard him. Yeah. I'm listening to the book on tape and I fall asleep every now and then. I'm not the best.

I'm fucking fascinated by Kim Jong un's because I part of me goes, why didn't he just like why wouldn't you just he grew up loving Michael Jordan, loving, basketball loving American like society, like culture. One school in Switzerland had a bunch of white friends. Why wouldn't you just go in and be progressive and go, let's get everyone? Like, if you were going to run a country, I would. But then it turns out you can't be progressive.

No, not not and not. You can't be president. Maintain the controls you got.

Yeah. You've got to pick. OK, either I run the risk of them coming in, murdering me and taking over their own. You can't show them an ounce of fucking of like mercy. We also we cut a guy's finger off college. It I get. Let's check out the. Hold on, wait.

Tell me about the cutting the guy's finger off in college. Yeah. It was uh he was a prick. We were in uh it was freshman year. Yeah. And this kid right now there's a guy at his keyboard going, oh God, this is me they're talking about.

Yeah. No, his pinky. Well, all right. So we were we were fucking around doing shit with knives, you know. Oh my God.

I'm one kid had like this crazy Rambo knife was doing this stuff and we had been fucking like drinking and then smoking and everything. One kid, he he tried to do it to somebody else. Oh my God, what a fucking idiot was like, here, do me.

Yeah, well, he was pretty fucked up. So then when.

Oh, cause when he stabbed him, a whole part of the game is that you take your time because it's your own hand when it's not your own and you go I give you this real quick.

Well when he stabbed them it was such, there was so much blood and the kid was screaming but then he was like, oh it's not that bad.

Um, so we were we were trying to figure out how do we salvage it. And we were like, we're all fucked up. So if we go to try to drive or try to go to the medical center.

So then I told them it'll probably hurt less if you just cut it off.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So we we all helped. But you did not know. That's fucking horrible. This fucking kid might be the dumbest human being I've ever heard of.

You lost so much more blood after we cut it off. Just make Kleenmaid cut it all. I'm holding my fingers together not to lose them.

He didn't he didn't tell on any of us.

That's a good guy. Yeah, that's a really good guy. Yeah, it's hard, man. I'd fold quick. You.

Oh, I don't have the backbone that like you see these movies were, you know, someone goes, I did five years for you.

No, no, no. I'm going to come on. It's me. Yeah. Like I'm always shocked. That's what I believe in The Matrix.

I testified at a trial when I was in Jesus Christ, Tom. I was well, I by the way, this is what happens when I listen.

Everybody we hear what a sociopath Tom is.

You just gotta cut the rest of the finger off. Never listen to you ever.

Well, I got into. So there was a fight. This is sophomore year. I haven't told you the story. No, I saw one dude beat up seven people. We start the story from the beginning, so there's a there's a small school and there's a row of frat houses, so there's only like four frat houses. Right. So it's a very small school. So it's but it's like Saturday night. And I walk into the house on the furthest left.

And as I'm when I'm finally like, I don't know, a couple hours after, you know, into the party, I'm like, I'm going back to my to my dorm, whatever.

So I walk out front and as I walk out front, I just see, like, Bapat, like, punch, punch. I was like, oh shit.

Like on the front, like the lawn in front of this.

And I was like whoa. And I see these guys fighting and then I see another guy. Separate from the two people here fighting, punch somebody else and he walks onto the lawn of the neighboring frat house. So I feel like I'm almost like a cameraman, like I just I just kind of go, oh, I got watch this dude.

So I kind of, like, jog behind them, like and then I just see him go fuckin Vandam and do a front roll, hit somebody else like an elbow kick. I mean and just like take dude's head and smash it on a fucking tree. I was like, holy shit.

Oh my God, watch this, do this thing. And I was like, OK, man.

So the next day, you know, everybody's talking about it at a small school. You have something like that happen. Yeah, that is the lead story.

Fuck, yes.

And then because I was like, so excited about it, I was like, you know, talking now because I was like, I got to see the whole thing. I got to watch him break that guy's arm. It was fucking awesome, you know.

So then I don't know how the the school just oh, subpoena's me in there, like, because you're telling everyone about it.

And so they're like, no, Tom knows exactly what happened, everything.

And so they called me to testify, but I got I started to party before the court appearance is not mind you, this isn't like.

A city court, this is a school court. Yeah, so I'm like, I don't you know, I don't care. So I'm a little high.

And maybe a little drunk. And they're like, you need to be at the the school court at this time. I'm like, whatever. So I wait in the. In the hallway, I remember they have all these, you know, thumbtack boards with like all the school and I take them all down, I just throw them on the ground.

I don't want to be there, so. There's a school police officer walks, he gets the fuck are you doing? And I was like, what? He goes, Why did you throw this on the ground?

I was like, I don't want to be here. And he's like, Oh, OK.

He's like, come on, man. I go, I really want to be here.

So they bring me in and it's fuckin everybody like that was in the fight and I recognized pretty much all of them.

You walk getting go. Hey, I go.

Oh I see, I see. And I don't like I'm not friends with all of them, but I kind of at a small school you recognize faces like you the way you wouldn't, you know, like in high school. You're like, I know that is. Yeah, I've seen that person. So then they start going. They have all these models like like depictions. Oh, you know, wow.

Not I was like, wow, this is good.

Now, just like this is this frat house like a full draw. And then there's, there's numbers and letters. Oh. For where, where people where to hang. Yeah. We're thinking of shut up.

So they're like and you can tell how skeptical the the school prosecutor was. He was like, so you witnessed this. And I was like, mm hmm. And he's and he's like and where did like this guy punched this guy?

And I was like at B3 and he was like, oh, that adds up and starts.

Yeah, I was like, yep. And he's like, who hit who first? And I was like, that guy hit that guy. And they're like, oh, that does add up. I was like, yeah, I saw it. I saw everything. It was fucking awesome.

Now they're like, and then how did you see him fight. I'm like, yeah, he hit he he beat up seven people.

How big was this guy.

Um, like probably. Five, 11, five, ten to six feet and 190 to 205 pounds, so good shape, really good shape. Obviously, he's not he's starting, uh, no, he wasn't. He was a special teams guy and he was a backup free safety. Oh, wow. So he was like he was an athlete. So he's quick, quick and strong. Yeah.

And the older he was one of those guys that, like, went to the military and then just like to play football.

Yeah. Yeah. And I was like Chris Winkie.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So I got to. And then the great thing was they were like, oh, I had this like this B.S. answer so that nobody would essentially get in that much trouble though, when they they go like, who started this fight? And I was like, tough to tell. You know, I think I just saw it as the action started. So I don't know who threw the first punch.

Oh, that's the important part of them. Yeah. And then so then they were like because if you tell us that, like, that guy threw the first punch, then we'll expel him.

And I was like, I couldn't say, you know, I think I was just in them. It was the middle of the fight.

And they were like, Oh, so this is for nothing.

We don't get to kick their asses. Yes. Then then he didn't get expelled. Really? Yeah. Shut up.

Yeah, he ended up doing other crimes later, but he was perfect.

Yeah. I got to see him really fucking fucked people up.

There was a kid our freshman year, me and Jeff Hartley got caught drinking beers by cops in our room. They came up to our room and they caught us drinking beers and. And then they took our beers and we get in trouble, they took the beers and then they came back and they arrested us and they put me they put us in handcuffs and took us to the Tallahassee Police Department. And Florida State Police Department is on campus right by law to buy the fountain.

And they brought us in and we were handcuffed and we were like, what the fuck? And they're like, this is for destroying our cop car. And we're like, What? And then there was this other kid that was on our floor. Like this burnout kid that was also like we were all sitting handcuffed in the we might not have been handcuffed, but I mean, as I say, I go, Jeff's going to go.

But we weren't handcuffed. But in my story, we're handcuffed. Yeah. And so but we're all sitting in the cars now that I'm like we were all we were all sitting in a waiting not in like in a in a in like a hallway. And they were bringing us in one by one. And we were like, why are we getting in so much trouble for just drinking beers? I mean, are we going to get expelled? And we walked out.

I sit and I go in and I say to the guy, I'm like, I gave you the beers. I thought we were cool. And he was like, no, you destroyed a cop car. When I go, I definitely didn't destroy a cop car. And he's like, yeah, you carved pig in the side of it. You and your buddy. We've got you with the beers. We took him down and then you carve pig.

And we were like, hold on, when will we have gotten down there? We we never left the room and was like, bull shit. Who else would have done it? More like we have no fucking idea. So then they bring me back into the hallway and they take Hartley and Jeff Hartley in and they bring him and they're like, do the same thing to him. And I'm sitting with this burnout kid. And I was like, do you even know what's going on?

And he was like, Yeah, man. He's like, I fuckin saw them steal your beer. So I went down like half pig in their door and I was like, really? And he was like, yeah. And the cop came out and I go, he did it.

And I was like, what? The kids like, what the fuck? Go. He's the one that I go, I don't know you man. I go, we're not going and getting kicked out of school because you carved pig in a cop car and the cop was like, excuse me. I was like, yeah, you're asking who did it? He can't pick we carve pig. And they were like, all right. And took it in and they expelled him to expel them.

They expelled him. He never came back. We never saw him in the hallway again. And I was like, fuck that kid, man. Like the cop was being cool. He took the beard. I didn't get arrested.

And then the kids like fucking pigs. I guarantee you, that guy's got a blog in Brooklyn right now.

Fucking wait. Let's look at. All right. Let's look at our top YouTube comments. No, why why would we ever do that?

I already know what they say. What do they say or. STUTTERS Person fucking asshole. Well, let's see what it is. I don't know what it is. I haven't seen it either. Oh, yeah.

But reading beachbody ads is like Hitler doing a promo for the Jewish Defense League. That's pretty funny.

Yeah, that's OK. Yeah. Right. What else.

You got anything. This show should be called Birte Takes a Whole While Time Watches, and that's kind of funny. Yeah, you know, I don't know.

OK, is there another one, Bert, wanting his daughter to try cocaine or mushrooms as a Florida man? That's accurate. That's pretty good. That's good. Good job. Derek Karner.

Good job, Derek. Anything else? That's OK. Those are fucking great.

This podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I have a website, Burba Bergkamp. It wasn't performing well and then it started to take off. And you know why it took off? Because my wife went to Squarespace Dotcom and started it herself. She picked out all the beautiful landscapes, all the different color designs, put in pictures she liked, and now it's performing better than ever.

If you have an idea that you want to turn into a website, you have some work.

You want to showcase a blog, maybe publish some content, sell products like I do a purple dot com. I got a new shirt with Got Rock Dog.

Promote your physical online business. You can do this right now by using Squarespace. Listen, my wife does not know anything about the Internet. If she can do it, you can do it. They have great customer service 24/7. They are available to you. You can get a domain. You can choose from other two hundred extension's analytics and I'll help you grow in real time. So go to Squarespace dot com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use the offer code bears' to save ten percent off your first purchase of a website or domain that Squarespace Dotcom use the code bears'.

You didn't like those? No. I have a love hate relationship with our fans like Reigo. Like someone goes. I just finally got around to watching Big Hey Big Brother today. Fucking amazing. You're the fattest, most racist. I was like, no, I can't fucking retweeted you like you were so nice. And then I was like, fuck off. Yeah. And I can't I don't even know what to do. Like, it's just such a fucking like commenter.

I just you have to can't I don't read any comment. I don't read any comments.

I read Twitter tweets, you know, like I stopped, I stopped and totally I was doing it a lot when this quarantine started and I was but it's just like somebody tagged me yesterday or in a tweet and they were like there was they were to you. They go, Bert, I've seen Tom live, I don't know, three times five.

By the way. I already I'm already not reading this tweet and I'm already angry at this person. OK, they go I know exactly what they're doing. I know exactly what they're fucking saying.

They go. But I've seen time like five times and I would trade them all to see you live once I wanted to be like they you don't have to you trade.

Just go see them. That bothers me so much. When and by the way, I'm saying this out loud. If you can not like me and like Tom, but you don't have to let us know.

I don't give a fuck. Stop telling me. Yeah, stop telling us.

Like, by the way, you saw me five times when you're like, I would give those all up to you.

We're friends, you know, we're friends like we're legit friends, like. So when he breaks my balls, I laugh. But when you do it, you're not my fucking friend, OK? And hey, I will stop coming to my fucking house. How do you like that?

I'm fucking done with people showing up at my fucking house. What it has gotten out of fucking control.

It has gotten so out of control. How often are people going to your house? At least once a week. And so it's gotten it's like we almost got to.

What do you mean? They're knocking on the door, leaving packages at my front door. Hey, man, sorry. I know where you live or I feel really bad about this, but check out this and I got you this and here's some dick pics. And I mean, it's it's gotten really out of control. It's like one of the things I want to go, like, if you this will go way differently.

If you show up at my house. I'm telling you right now. Yeah.

I've never I've never seen it.

You know, what sucks is that it's it is good meaning people like, you know, their meaning well. And I think they think that I'm cool with it in some way. And you just go, I'm not cool with it, man is where I live. Like it's my kids are scared.

Like we almost we almost once a week we almost had to because the economy is the way it is, you know, and no one's working. We almost had to get to a place where we had to sell everything and then get to a new place so that people didn't fucking come to our house. It's I mean, it's just it's. Yeah. Once a week in that fucking crazy. Yes.

Yes. That's not cool. Not cool. Hey, Georgia is your down there. Dude, I got to be honest with you man. I'm it fucking bothers a living shit out of me and yeah.

There's certain things where I go everything's funny like like if I'm in my front yard and you're walking down the street and you see me and you say, hi, I get it, I'm in my fucking front yard, I'm walking the street, I understand once a week people are showing up who in Liana's live.

It's obvious why we bought a new house, but we were going to. It's gotten very complicated. Yeah, once a week, once a week and once a week. And by the way, that is not an exaggeration.

I'm actually cutting it back. It's people say seeing the girls out front and saying, hey, is your dad inside? Can I go inside and meet him? That's fucking crazy. It's I know, by the way, if I got Lee-Anne on the.

Phone right now, Liam would like I'll tell you the details after this, LeAnn was livid. We had a conference call with our business manager. We were like, maybe we'll just sell everything and just get out, get out of every property that we own and just get a house away from everyone so that we're not like in you know, it's just gotten fucking.

But we you know, we live in the heart of the valley, so we don't live, like in a secluded gated area like, you know, so our house is accessible. Bill Bratton said the same at one time. He goes, who? Who lives in Hancock Park? You gotta buy a ten million dollar house. But people can walk to your front door. Yeah, it's fucking crazy. Crazy.

Going to buy a ten million dollar house, get it on top of a mountain or something.

But yeah, but my point is you can like Tom and like me and you can not like me and like Tom and you can not like Tom and like me, but understand that I'm not going to like you if you don't like Tom, like I don't find it cool when you're like, hey, you know Tom DataDot I, I, yeah.

It's the same thing. It's like, yeah, don't tell me that shit. Yeah.

It's crazy. And that's why I don't read comments.

Because the funny thing to me though is there like I would give it all up to see what, what are you dead. Like you can fucking still see them.

Yeah. Well you can definitely still see me. Were you, are you, what do you think about going on the road again.

I don't know man. I mean, I know that there's like some soft opens. I had a dream about you last night that you were like, I'm hosting Embraer this weekend and you're like, I'm just working on material. I don't want to sell tickets. I'm the host. I'm to do longer. I'm going to mess around. And then you're having you would set it up so that a bunch of headliners like Josh Potter and everyone was headlining.

I would do that. Yeah, I would do that. I actually in the dream, I called you and said, Can I drive out with you and do a spot?

Yeah, that would be fun. Yeah. Old school braiders hall. How would I do that.

I would do a brei a weekend of like twenty, thirty minute sets. I would do that in a heartbeat. I would love that. Yeah. Hey do you have any prospects of getting back on the road. You talk to anyone.

Yeah. They were like just push those prospects away. Really. Yeah. I mean so far I know that there's you know, there's a bunch of states right now doing these like soft opens, like slow rollout's. I think it's going to be for us. And what we do, we have to, like, just monitor things for a couple of months, you know? I mean, like, yeah, you've got to see how things play out.

Does the virus spike again? You know, what happens? And then like, OK, are these actually open running? Are things viable? Is it you know, I can stay open.

I'm really got my I really got all my eggs in the nicotine basket, which is nicotine cures.

KORONA It doesn't allow Cronut to attach to the cells. So they're giving the patch to first responders and apparently they're not getting the coronavirus. So start smoking, dude, you're smoking. I'm not going to smoke. I'm chewing tobacco. The second they say you can wait, they they they did.

You can you know, right now it's France. And so, like, everyone's like guys, it's fluence.

Pick up some chewing tobacco today.

It will buy chewing tobacco and I will have it on hand. I would love to start. I would love to start dipping. I would I fantasize about it all night. Last night I almost bought my hair. I almost brought dip in for us to start dipping together for the first time. I dipped was in Florida in high school driving.

And I was like, oh, I was the first time you do it, you get such a buzz. I was like, is this what it's like to dip? I go first. You did it while driving.

I was like, Oh my God, how did you dip your first dip? It was, what is it? Skol Skol. It was gold.

Oh, like Wintergreen mine was Hawkin's up in there and I love that burn.

Oh. What is that burned like. That's fiberglass cutting the inner lining of your lip.

I went. I went. I was hawking. Mm hmm. And then I think I went to straight to Copenhagen. Yeah. And then Copenhagen all through high school and then got into college and then school was like the more more of like a passable dip and then school. But back before school, Copenhagen school, Copenhagen and then quit for a while. And then when we started working together, when we started work together, I was chewing Redmann. Do you remember that?

Yeah. Yeah, I loved it. I loved chewing Radman. I liked dipping into especially. The other thing is if you start being around people like when I was around Redneck's all the time, you know, in Florida and Carolina and you're like, oh tipping's normal like hundred percent.

You're like oh everybody dips, you know, then you just start getting used to it more and more and had it in the dorms.

Oh dude, I really used to it. I could I got to be honest with you, I would love to do an episode where we dipped tobacco. Let's do it.

I would love that. Why don't we do it? I said to myself, because once I get fucked up I want in so long I haven't done it forever. Once I set, I said to myself, once I start, I won't be able to stop do it. I will be back 100 percent, be back, you'll fight the virus. I just I all I need is I need the Americans to say that nicotine helps. Easy. I'll get my doctor to call you today.

Hey, let's get you on the phone about nicotine.

Can I fucking do you by the way, I would like to point out that this fucking witch doctor friend of ours, Dr. Drew, on the last episode, he said, hey, you know what's great for your liver? They just had tests and this is great for your liver. I went and bought it on my phone. Then I texted, Drew a picture of it when he showed to my house and I said, hey, it says to take these when drinking.

Is it OK to take them when I'm not drinking?

And then he goes, what the fuck is that? And it was what he told me. And then he was like, Oh, yeah, I guess if you watched Seinfeld, no special.

No. One, two, three.

Hey, Drew, how are you going on? I'm with Bert Krischer. We're doing a podcast. We had a quick question for you. All right. Um, is it true that it's encouraged to use nicotine to fight the virus? There has been some discussion about that. Yes. And just I don't know that there's a consensus yet, but some people are claiming that nicotine may help fight the virus. Yes. So is it probably a good idea for Burt to start dipping like chewing tobacco?

I'm buying it today. That's a yes. Why don't we just give him, like a gun or something and just let him just go totally nuts? Yeah, I have a gun, Drew. Very. He wants to kill himself very badly or let me just kill him. I don't know what I mean, Sherbert. The problem is, I don't know what the hell we're going to do with you on the other side of your oral nicotine addiction.

You'll be bad. No, no. Yeah, that's my only concern. What if he starts smoking to balance it out like DIBP some day smokes the other days? I have a feeling that he'd almost be a better smoker than what about really hard to get people out. It's really.

That's why, that's why I haven't gone back to it. So what about cigars. It's cigars. Enough nicotine.

Great question. Never been studied. That might be OK. Cigars then you can just get cancer in your mouth and tongue.

You Drus the last guy you want in a threesome. He's like, this isn't rape, right? You're like, God damn Andrew fucking trying to fuck this chick.

You're consenting. Should we wear condoms? You stop to fight a threesome. Yeah. This whole green get out of here. Yeah, it's true. It's true. OK, Drew, my favorite thing is stalling for time. Yeah I know. Yeah. He, you know, he's been he's been sober for like forty, forty nine days. Forty nine out of fifty one one days. Well how many deals that he made for the future. How's that working out.

Oh good. Someone knows my brain. Apparently he uh he only had three, he only had a three beer buzz yesterday and it was awesome because he hadn't drank in so long. Right. Here we go. That's right. That's right. Everything came into focus again. Yeah. He's doing well. Let me tell you drug and I'm drinking Friday and I'm drinking Saturday.

I'm already playing Nevada and Saturday that's planned out. And then no more drinking for like like a week or something. After that, nobody. Are you are you drinking by yourself? Are you going to do it with somebody?

Yeah, it's a quarantine, Drew. I'm drinking by myself.

He's by himself. I was thinking maybe I should come over there, supervise this. Oh, yeah. I want to I want to get I want to get drunk with you, Drew. Yeah. I mean, well, it's I want to get home. I don't trust you and things like that right now. Yeah. So I have to stay down to stay the night. Wow. Breakfast in bed with Drew.

Hey I'll run you through the Mickey Mantle program we get we stay up late, we listen to music, we write up a few ideas. We want to turn into books or movies. Then we wake up at eight a.m., get in the sauna. It's going to be a little tight close. We're going to work out. We're going to take a pool shower and we're going eat some egg whites.

And then we're going to look at all the ideas we have for the night before and realize they all suck. That's not true. They're brilliant ideas. Do you want to hear them? Do you have time for one idea? Give us one. Sure. Uh, let me see. Uh, monkey fist fork. Monkey fist fork. You ever notice how hard it is to eat salad on a regular fork? Well, I'm going to make little monkey fist forks where it's a monkey fist with a trigger on it and you can grab a salad with the monkey fist, put in your mouth, release it and the salad's released into your mouth.

Sound like a dumb idea, I think not a great idea. Look, I Drew, really appreciate your time. Here we go. They go. I'm thinking maybe a salad vacuum now. OK, vacuum. And you release a vacuum seal periodically and dump it in your mouth.

And this is how you come up with million ideas. Million dollar ideas. Yeah. You just need friends to collaborate. A vacuum fork would be awesome.

Just. Yeah. So what you're saying and what you're saying is that your friend that I am. There you go. Yeah. Apparently I have no friends these days. I feel like I haven't talked to anyone except for you and Tom. And every time I talk to you about don't do this.

Yeah. Oh my God. For LeAnn. Oh, yeah. She really has it rough. Well, um, I'm going to run I'm going to run some bits by Tom Drew.

I'll talk to you later.

I'm going to go buy a kinescope and make sure you ask Bert later about when he cut a guy's finger off in college. I'll talk to you later, Drew. Bye bye. OK, see you Friday. He's coming over to drink.

Cool, cool. These are the new jokes I've written. OK, uh, this is just a little premises after talking to you about last week.

Code talking. Yeah, I'm going I'm going to do a bit on that because I do that a lot. Oh yeah. I can't stop it. Yeah. And I think code switching. Right. Is that was calling is called something.

I did a podcast with Jay Pharoah and I'm pretty sure I talked like a black guy through the whole thing. Really. I don't know if I did, but I caught myself at one point I was like, how I've been doing this the whole time. Y'all hit you up, homeboy. I don't know. But I got to do a bit on that because I think I love that. The idea that you knew of it makes me laugh because I go, yeah, OK, my sister was in an elevator one time with a guy.

We were talking about times. You say things to someone that is the obvious thing. Like one time I was taking a hike down from an apartment and a woman was coming down with a baby in a Baby Bjorn thing or thing. And I went, wow, you took him all the way up and all the way down. And she goes, No, I found him up there. And I went, Oh, yeah, that was a stupid thing for me to say.

My sister goes, I got one more thing. My sister got in the elevator and a guy walked in with her and he was in a bathrobe with goggles.

And she goes, go into the pool and he goes, Yeah, like the goggles. And I rubbed anything else. These aren't great jokes.

But I mean, I like that you are feeling it. You know, I'm. Yeah. Oh, you're in the zone. And then there were the the correlation that is I went to my running shoes one time and I said to the guy, I was like, can I try these on on a 12 or 13? And he goes, Sure, what do you get them for? And I was like running. And he was like, oh, okay.

And she was like, Oh yeah. That was a stupid question. And I was like, no. I think he looked at me, was like, you're so fat. Why would you be buying these? I think he was like, these are for running. So what are you going to do? Yeah, he looked at me and he was like, So what are you getting these for? And I was like running. And he looked at me like.

You sure? Yeah, so those are some new bits. Yeah, I can't wait. We do a pat down and prayer would be fun. God, let's look at the fan art. What's this all about? Darth Birte. Darth Birte. Let's see it. We have, uh, what a black two bears, one motherfuckers. You're having a piss in your mouth? No, I love that feeling that I can live in a where Mitt home is old, up to check off to Vader or anyone else.

I don't know what you're talking about. It's politics and all that stuff. Shut the fuck up. Enough of this. Everyone can go fuck themselves. I'm looking at the big picture in my pocket. You need to you need to get milk.

Oh, great. You made that. That was great. Future, nobody made it future, nobody is awesome. That's really good for those listening. That was all cut into Star Wars. So that was Burt was Darth Vader.

Who should we eat one of these double? Go for it. Let's try a little bit more. What is it? I don't know. Shout out to LDK ass. I fuck it up every time. Is it.

We Google it, it says wear gloves.

I know, but that's like just not real. Um, LDK ass. LDK Kitchin. LDK Kitchin. It comes with gloves. Yeah.

L.K. as the kitchen is fucking outrageous. They sent me some of these tomahawk steaks and I cooked them up the other day fucking through the roof and then is it cool dude. And he sent me these, these are what does it say.

Well, inside one extremely hot pork rind Devil Ryan challenge. And then it says, think you have what it takes. Good luck.

I think this is more your speed. You know, I. Hold on one second. Well, actually, what we do is we crush it, OK? And then just take a little corner. Each of us.

You've done hot ones. Yeah, it's true. Yeah. It's not gonna be. I'm not. I have a weird thing about clubs. You do.

Very weird. OK, you go ahead and don't use them.

Do you think it's going to be OK? I could just do this. Like this. Yeah. That's yours. They sent you these.

They sent me this and they said the tag. Yeah. Devil. Right. So these are devil rind challenge. Do you have what it takes to open it. Just smell it.

You see who the lot of powder on that real.

Did you have you ever seen Shaquille O'Neal eat. Yes.

Spicy chip. That is so fucking hilarious. So you're not gonna eat the whole thing, right? No, no, no. But go ahead. Let me see what. Let me see it.

I don't want to waste it. We might be able to split one.

OK, ok. Oh, that's a lot on there, that is a lot of them. Oh, my God, I just felt that in my throat. I don't put a glove on. I have a fucking I have some.

Oh, my God. What? It's just falling off the fucking spice powder. How about. Just put it a little tab on your tongue, see if it OK, well, just do a.

We don't have any drink for when this coffee coffee poisoned with poison. Tom. OK, just a little tight, a little tighter on the door. OK, OK, I'll go first. OK, now what about the same time first? Go ahead. One, two, three. Oh, no good by the by the take about take about a. Hmm, take a bite. Mm mm, no. Mm hmm. Mm hmm. You can swallow it.

I just didn't I think that was a big fucking mistake, ha! It's pretty hot. My nose is hurting. Just touch on your tongue. Oh, holy shit, man. Oh, all right, let's go for it. What are you talking about? What? That's over. No, that's horrible. Just take a little bite.

No, no, I just I just felt the this kick it slow. Real slow pop. Just a little corner. What are you talking about. Top it in public. Dude, I know that little little titty tap or what.

You see what it's like. Here we go. Pop it in. Ready. One, two, three.

Oh, why are we doing this? Oh, no. If you look amazing, it's amazing, it immediately I'm sweating inside the glove. I it's amazing that it fucking shut your brain off, put the video on YouTube.

It's amazing that it just shut your brain off immediately.

What is this? No, no, no. I don't want to see it bigger. Make it bigger. Wait, wait, wait. You got to see this part. I know there's one part. I've heard of this and I'm never going to see this. Now, you got to look. I don't see it. I never want to see it. I don't want you to hear it. Well, you do it. Look at it.

Oh, no, I've broken this asshole. Yeah. Oh. Oh, that's blood. Yeah.

We got to pull up pieces of glass out. Who the fuck would eat it? I don't know, I don't get it. Oh, my God, look at his ass. I can't. I don't want to see that. Look how much blood is fucking so much blood. Oh, well, why is a guy with a dick like that have to do that? He's got a nice dick. Why don't you just fuck people? You think I don't fucking fire him.

I need a drink.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm out of coffee. This is so much. What is he doing this for fun.

Yeah. It turns him on. Huh. Oh my God. My fucking tongue here. You just eat the rest of it. Judge Potter, pick his glasses off. He won't see how much is going in his mouth. He's just a baby. I don't want to see that come through. Why would you put your fingers over the top? It. Oh, ha ha. It makes you shut your brain off, it makes you not think of anything he reports live in the moment when you have hot stuff in your mouth.

It's almost like instant therapy. It's like being on a roller coaster, skydiving, where you can't really think of the future or the past just in the present. That makes sense.

Yeah. It's almost like no, like really. I wonder if this is a good cure for depression, doing this like just microdots in hot food all day. What about that? Did he live? I think so. We didn't look at it so fucking hot. Well, we'll do it again. Can you pull that back up for a second?

Why would you. No, no, no. I want to see what it said underneath it. Right. Click that link. Do you find that on Etsy? One man, what's it say right there remains one of the most hilariously shocking sites. Originated in California. OK. Oh, yeah, fortunately, that guy survives this guy, this does not kill him. Oh, my God, can we be done? Are we getting in and out?

It go. I got I got to be done.

OK, ok.

So fucking hot. Yeah, that was terrible. Those who of the wrong. All right, everyone, thanks for watching. Burt, Tom, Tom, and where one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in Bergstein Machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's why. Because there's a. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what more call to focus on Katie.