Happy Scribe

You ready for the fourth act, third act, whatever, yeah, we block it so that we don't have to come home and at the end we've got to come home and say Earth or.


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Oh. Oh, well, that was a nice way to start the podcast. I ate I drank wine last night. No, wait a minute. Hold on. Yeah. What kind fit mine.


But I love by the way, I wish that they weren't a sponsor, so I didn't feel like a shill every time. I really enjoy football. Guess what? Fedwire and Snoop's one of my two favorite ones.


Oh, that's great. I believe you on both. I didn't know that Snoop made one.


Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. If if if you were to pitch this swine, you're like, imagine what a dude who like the flavor of blunts would do if he had a vineyard. So yeah. Is that good. Is it actually. Also which type of wine though.


Like were you drinking a cab. Pina would you have. Last night was a cat I think was a cab.


I've been drinking. Snoop only makes a blend I think. OK, and then were you jogging and while drinking this or you know watching the debates I yeah.


A little tip of the hat of where we are. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Watch the debates and they were really good.


They were like really, really smart. It was uplifting. And the nice thing was I think it kind of restored the dignity that that was some people felt was slipping away. I was like, I'm I'm proud of these guys.


My favorite quote I read about the debates was, Wow, Trump lets Biden talk more than Tom.


Let's let Tom talk. And I was like, wait, is that what I sound like? A little bit.


He was he was just he was just shy of, like, pussy. Pussy.


Yeah. I mean, it was it was a shit show, man. It was a real disaster. It was embarrassing to watch.


My dad was livid this morning. He was like they called Obama unpresidential for wearing a suit.


Can you believe that? It was crazy. So it was crazy. And they didn't stick to, like, the you know, you've agreed upon debate kind of rules and they just threw it, threw it away. It was it was I was embarrassed. But the only thing we should have so much we we did talk about. But I want to talk we should probably talk about the poll I put on Twitter.


Yes. So what you said, why wait and then you. Right. Yeah, because I'm I'm getting ready. Good. At tennis. Right. And I'm sitting I'm thinking sometimes it's like, you know, content wise for me with Twitter, I try to stay out of fighting with people. So I just will say, like, would you rather hit a walk off home run or a whole one? Yeah. And then see what people say. And then I like reading people's responses.


Yeah. I put y weight and I put Biden in Trump and put it in a poll. And by the way, we can talk about all this shit.


And so I go to tennis, I hit it, I go to tennis, I get done tennis and Biden is up fifty eight percent. Fifty eight percent. And I went which by the way I was shocked because I was like I thought it would be 50 50, 100 percent over fifty fifty. And so but Biden's up to the present. I'm like, oh that's interesting, I didn't expect that. And by the way, I didn't know that my fans, I thought my fans were fifty fifty two.


I didn't know my fans were more liberal leaning than right leaning. That's odd.


And so then at like two o'clock Trump makes a run. I mean the kind of run where you're like, holy shit, did someone get a hold of this? Like that's the only thing you think is. And all of a sudden the scales of swim swung and Trump's up fifty eight percent. Ben is up sixty two percent, then he's up sixty five percent. And he closed that up, winning it at seventy two percent. Now I understand as someone who realizes that just a few hours ago Biden was up, I guess something must have happened.


But that's not what happened. What did happen? I went to my comments and I saw I hate about us, but we are both left leaning gentleman. I'm a lifelong registered Democrat, as I'm certain you are, too. Um, our Democratic friends. Were horrific. They were like, you're a fucking racist, you're a bigot, you want these are your fans. These are your. And I'm like, first of all, I don't give a fuck.


I really don't give a fuck who my fans are. I don't give a fuck who my fans vote for at all. I really don't. I kind of wish they had those Trump tweeters. Those guys fucking go crazy on retreat button.


But this is the the engagement engagement.


So what happened is I found this out. The bots got a hold of my tweet. Right. So the bots then farm that out to all their tweet, put it on their thing. They're only followed by do you know that like that? Because I might have a company I pay to do analytics. And these are the analytics that came up.


It had one point eight million impressions, which is a lot for a tweet.


OK, what's the one media of you? I have no idea.


I don't know what media you do. You know what media view means in the.


Let me Google it real quick for you. So what's crazy?


Is it at the time that that Biden was up, it had like three hundred and fifty three tweets.


And when Trump took over the bots, the when when the bots took over, all of a sudden it was I remember seeing it at twelve thousand tweets and I went, that seems like a lot of reading. I've never had something. The only thing that I've had that much engagement on is when I asked about relationships with dogs. What about with your music video?


Nope. No. When asked about flooding about fucking dogs, you know what, if you act like a dog?


Oh, my analytics guy said apparently tweeted something about relationships with dog. Is that is that the company's notes at the bottom there? Yeah. Yeah. So it says it's pretty interesting because it looks like the bots fed it to the maggot community and then they took it and ran with it on the other organically.


On the other two tweets you got ten to five, five to ten thousand profile clicks in a couple new followers.


Yeah. And so look at this. So on this one, this is your dog one. This is my dog won. The engagement was seven percent. The engagement rate on this was twenty nine percent. The Cabin, my Netflix series, it's streaming right now probably on Netflix with Tom Sagara in it. Fucking Jesus, silence it.


I can't fucking the cabin which got is my we've got a lot of traffic. And by the way, this may be just the past few months, it may not be the big dance video got one point five million impressions, but the engagement ring was only 12 percent. That's my own TV show. That's my TV show that Netflix paid money to do a tweet on me saying, why wait? Gets twenty nine percent engagement rate out of that twenty nine percent engagement rate, which, by the way, I am not shitting on your politics.


I'm simply talking about the working the workings of the Internet, which are phenomenally amazing.


It's fascinating. Yeah. Fucking fascinating. Yeah. How many followers did I get.


I must I mean figure one point eight million people, right. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think. How many followers do you think. Like I don't know. Twenty three thousand. I think more than that.


Yeah. How many do I have a minute of. Bringing it up. Thirty seven followers you gain from that game. Thirty seven, it was so funny as I went through that I went through the tweets of which there were twenty two thousand people retweeted it.


Twenty two thousand. That's the most retweeted I've ever gotten.


Twenty two thousand is borderline viral. I scroll through the tweets thinking like someone retweeted there, maybe they'll give you a follow right now, I it was amazing. What?


What what their what their title like, their how they describe themselves, like the NRA support, like it was just not one of the people followed me, hardcore Christian, hardcore Christian, God first, country second.


And I'm like, I'm look, I'm not I'm kind of shitting on a little bit like he's just such a fucking mega dad, mega mom.


And you're like, that's how you describe yourself.


Like, it's so bizarre, by the way, saying for the fucking left when you're like antifa dad.


Yeah. What is what is on the Google thing right there. What is that, a dog.


That a dog. Oh, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Yeah. By the way, our dog's pregnant. Definitely pregnant. Your dog pregnant. We don't know how I got pregnant.


I have a pretty good idea. I fucked the shit out of that dog. Isolate that audio.


So that was so that was the Twitter poll and it was really crazy. It was crazy because people that I like, that I like hit me up and they were like, dude, your fans, though, like and one girl, this is this girl is very sweet.


I want to read. She wrote me something very nasty. Right. Yeah. And I wrote it back. I'm going to I'm going to read I want to see if I can read her. Let's see, she's she wrote me and said, seriously, disgusting, seriously let down in you, these are your fans. These are your fans.


And I went, this is someone you know, I know I don't. And I went and checked her out and she doesn't follow me. So she has found this tweet and she doesn't follow me. Right. But yes, she's commenting on this tweet as if she's one of my fans. And I wrote back, hey, is it possible that people that don't follow me found this tweet like yourself?


Like what the fuck?


I said this to a bunch of people because people that don't even follow me were like, this is your fan base. And I was like, first of all, I don't give a fuck if my fan base is 72 percent mega and twenty nine percent whatever.


Twenty eight percent Abidin, so be it.


I don't give a fuck, I don't talk politics. I'm not up there like spouting off politics. But that and then I wrote to her like that's fucking kind of rude like and stupid and short sighted. How dare you blame me for something that you don't follow me. And then you found it but now you're commenting as if. And then she wrote back. Yeah. Genuinely sorry man. I'm really sorry about that.


Look, I love. Oh my God. They tell you about the dude. Oh my God. They tell you about the dude who left the shittiest fucking comment. I'm going to edit myself a little bit, edit myself a little bit.


So I found out that. On Instagram, I thought when you hit the microphone, you're doing a text to dial, right? Yeah, like you're going, Hey, man, I'll call you later and then you let go and then it puts text in there. It doesn't it sends that as a voice message on Instagram, on Instagram. Wait in a D.M. in a dim OK.


So I did not know that that is really important. Well I know I fucked up big time.


Who did you send it to. Like watch this. Here's this is Jonah Ray. Right. So when you go to the reply, I guess you can't and you go and you see this microphone right here. I'm not going to say what he says to me. You go like this. Hey, Jonah, I'm showing Tom this new function on the thing. Thank you for your message earlier. I really appreciate it. I'll talk to you later. No, I won't.


I'm sorry. I'm I'm not paying attention. This is a fucking shit show. Thank you, Jonah. Bye. It just sends it it just sends it, you see, it just sends it so now that horrible fucking thing, there's no editing it. It just sends it. OK, so you just sent it and now I'm sending a voice to God damn it, I'm all over the map. So this guy sends me a nasty fuckin couple guys, a couple of guys.


One guy sends me a nasty message about this, just about. Yeah, about all this.


And I go, hey, man, like just, you know, like it has no representation of anything. This is on the line. The bots got a hold of it and then the Trump supporters got a hold of it. And I don't give a fuck, by the way, also. And then he calls back.


He I leave them that voice text on that and it sends immediately. And I'm like, that's not what I wanted to say. Like, I thought I was going to be able to edit that.


And then immediately he replies back and he's crying. His voice in his voice, he's crying, he's like all the rubble, looking weak.


You know, it goes away so soon as you do it, then they disappear like the ones. Do you see this voice, Texas Senator Rogan, the other day? Yeah, it gives two minutes and then it disappears. So I can't play it. Or maybe I can. I don't know those. Anyway, my point is my point is I did that to a couple of people and the amount.


Of shit they're going through in their life when they send these negative things, yeah, is mind blowing like mind blowing about. And so the fact that someone would reply to you.


And you just caught them when they happened to be crying. You're like, it feels good. I got it. Not really that make me feel good. I know my brain. I love to see somebody scared and crying. Oh, let me out.


Let me tell you.


So we are we are 48 hours from playing tennis.


Oh, hey, do we have do we have the video? Yup. OK, yeah. Andrew set me so so I want it so I want to just beat. Oh I want to front load this.


OK. We are two different type of men if. If you put one question on the table, you said, hey, did you ever play tennis? I am going to tell you, skewed the way I do it, then I played tennis, but I'm not going to leave any on the plate. Yeah, I played in tournaments growing up really, really well. And technically, I played like 10 tournaments maybe. And I always lost I was really bad.


But I'm not going to tell you that I played tournament like because I don't think there's. But if you asked Tom, did you play tennis growing up and he says he played in tournaments.


I did not play in a tournament. That means he did not play in hundreds of tournaments. I said very different men. I, I did not play tournament tennis because I already heard you last week.


You're like I told my coach, you play tournament like I did not. I played tennis as a kid. Recreational, recreational, so so not recreational, recreationally regulated. I mean, regulation and regulation recreationally.


So so going into this tompsett I've been playing tennis and I said, well, well back this up, back this up my hard time with how I tell a story. Yeah.


No, no, no, no, wait. I told you that I this is how this happened. I said, you know, we're doing we're just you're on the road and I go, oh, I go.


I started playing tennis. I took a tennis lesson. I'm playing tennis again. And you replied, I would destroy you in tennis.


That is exactly. And I go, What? And you're like, I would destroy you.


And I'm like, Why? And you're like, I just played tennis and fucking pretty good. That's that's what happened. I know. Know you realize. Oh, I'm telling the truth.


This is like when you wake up on spring break in your blacked out and people are telling you what you did, you're like, I know they're making some of it up, but most of this is true in this case.


It is all true what I'm saying. Oh, it does sound like me. Like I was just you. OK, OK. And then like a couple of weeks later you're like, yeah, I haven't played in a long time. My coach says I need a lot of work.


OK, well here's here's the reality.


This is fun. It's going to be fun. We're definitely both amateur tennis players. I have. Here's a fun thing. I have no idea what your skill level is.


And tennis is one of those was one of those sports where if you if you played a lot and you were good, even if you take time off like that, stroke will still be there. Right. Like you might. Your timing is not going to be there, your rhythm if you take a long time off. But if you were like a competitive tennis player and you're good, you're probably still good. So I have no idea what I'm getting into.


I told I was telling my coach, I go, I don't know if I'm going to show up in this guy is just going to fucking destroy.


My coach today said, I think Tom is going to kill you. And like he is, he has set me up for the way he thinks you're going to play. Really? He he's he said because he's looking at ways to beat me.


If you if you paid my coach a hundred bucks, you could probably learn how to beat me very easily. He's like, oh, he needs to do is do this job.


And I was like, can we not share that with anybody? Here's a look at you. I mean, look at you say, what was the analogy? I said it's I sometimes when it comes to hitting a ball, it's the same as trying to get laid. I if I see one that's set up, it's like you meet a girl at a bar and you're like, let's get in the car right now. It's like, I want to finish my drink.


You're like, or are we going to fuck or what? Yes. Like that's how I play tennis.


Yeah, I by the way, I knew that. Yeah.


And he was like, are you wearing a shirt to play tennis? And I was like, definitely not because my arm swings so hard my arm gets caught on my sleeve. Oh good.


Let's see your we recorded promos. You have a promo.


Yeah you do cause. Oh shut the fuck up. Of course. Oh I didn't know you had to provide both have promo. Oh I thought I was the only one that did. Oh this is the greatest episode we've ever done by the way.


My suspicion is that both like each of our promos, is exactly like our personalities. That's what I think.


I can't believe that. I tell you what, mine's definitely a phone friend of mine. Let's hear it.


Can we see Burts? Dominance, modesty, discipline, masculinity, civic virility. I'm not a role model. Diversity. Oh, let me tell you, this guy Drake has only. I'm not above corporate sponsorship here at the game did go out there and I'm going to share. So what do you think? Of my skill set, I think we're going to be actually a good match, really? I do think so, really. I mean, you know, I think we're probably like, similarly matched.


I think so. I can't wait to see your video. I think we can probably pull it up right now. Did you shoot Jaws and Fork? I don't know. Probably not.


We'll see. Try. Try harder. Nice try, keep trying. Try again. I try. Can I try? I don't try. I win. Oh, I like that, the new Tom Cigarillo. So you guys, I mean, those are exactly the person, those are definitely our personalities, those are definitely our personnel.


You think of my skill set. I love that none of the balls were hit to you. They were just dropped to you. Let me see. Tom's back in again. Two handed.


Not bad. I think we're are we're probably evenly matched. That's what I was saying. This would be fun. Yeah.


Yeah. Yeah, let me see Thom's again, that's not oh, yes. Try not to play the whole thing. I like it. I want to see your skill set. Yeah, it's hard. So we have Josh Potter as our lines judge. Yeah.


And we have Kevin Christie is our ump nice. And yeah, some people are going to stop by to stop him by McEnroe. Pete Sampras.


Can we get Kirk Fox to come by. Look at this. But that was just drop to you. I love this. I love. Yeah. Like wham. Yeah. I bet there's going to be a lot of us not getting to the ball, that's there's going to be a lot of unforced errors.


Can I tell you my biggest problem that my coach said I need to work on? Yeah, tell me.


When we get into a rally, it's past two or three things I start giggling that I never thought that would be the end of that sentence.


And I didn't like I don't for whatever reason, I start giggling because I go, This is why you came to play like you just hit like have these long rallies and I can't stop you guys. You guys stop giggling, man. Like, you just got the eye of the tiger when the rally starts, then you got to fucking get serious. And I go, I can't help it. I get really giggly. You have an eastern grip.


Is that what I see there? Like how do you hold the. It's hard core. I don't know.


I don't know. I have I have a few shots in my pocket. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a lot of a lot of diverse. What's your strength you think as a player. Serving. Serving really. Yeah. You have a good serve. I've, I've, I've a pretty. Here's my problem is I can get the yips in my head so like if I get too many like if I start double faulting a double fault the whole fucking game.


But but yeah. My serve my my coach thinks my serve my best part of my game.


That can win you a lot of points. Well if I can just get a serve in and just can have a good solid serve, I don't need it to be awesome. I just need it to be solid where it's like a little bit of spin and then. And then just in good. Yeah. Cool man. My problem is I get really excited very easily. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.


That happens.


I mean and I have a problem where I start getting places where I go.


So what's your prediction. What's your prediction for the match.


I think I think it's going to be I think. I think we're both going to turn into two paddy shakers. Yeah, who just try to, like, get it into a little play. We'll be playing ping pong on a big screen play. Best of three. Well, I think Mr. Krishna is making a fine point, but where was L'Isle in the debate last night?


I know. I know. Wouldn't that have been wrong? I don't like to talk.


Yeah, I'm gonna fucking have him.


Wasn't this a brilliant idea? Was it really was a brilliant idea.


It really almost as good as the fucking holding company which Nadav bought. The holding company is there.


And also people from Kickstarter reached out and said, do you want to start a Kickstarter for your holding company?


You're being searched right now. Yes, then the answer is yes, the answer is yes. Let's see if we can raise one billion dollars.


I'm sure they would be thrilled to be like our biggest one ever was 42.


Phuket's do. That's exactly how we're going to raise the money. This is later. We learn how to talk again.


Chinese, uh, do you legit want to run a Kickstarter here? Yeah, the answer is yeah, the answer is yes, and we just get to a billion dollars and then what do we do? Start.


We're going to buy Quiring. We'll know.


First of all, first of all, if we're being fucking serious about this. And I think that our our shareholders right now that are watching are probably yes.


What we do is we start with we start with a low ball price, like maybe a million dollars, and then we start doubling down that money. We don't want to we don't want to let everyone in on this. Right. We want to get these people who trust our moronic ideas and and and we start him out, get him out.


First thing we do. We're not making a food truck.


We're making a condiment truck, a condiment truck that has all the condiments you want for the food trucks. We pony up to the next to the food trucks. We're like, yo, hot sauce.


And they're like, yeah, I can use my you're like, come on over here dollar. You can use everything on our try. And the guy's like, fuck. Yeah.


Well what are the margins on that kind of metric. No, not all my ideas are things like operational expenses and labor.


That's why we put it up to our board of our board of directors directors. Yeah. Look, dude, we should start a couple guys.


We had the first report here, the condiment truck. Here's what we ended up doing. We spent 32000 dollars on the truck and the condiments and the labor and at a dollar a pop to the use of condiments you want.


We earned twenty seven dollars this quarter.


OK, maybe that's not the right one. There you go. Yeah, yeah. Maybe we haven't figured it out totally.


But once we do, we start doubling down this money. We start making more money, we start maybe micro investing over in Africa. I don't even know what that is technically, but it sounds like something that the Mormons do. Yeah, we do. We like Whoknows. There's there's such an opportunity for us to make so much money. I cannot wait to be a billionaire. Yeah. And it's going to happen. We're going to happen. We need them to believe in us and they do believe in us.


Yeah. We look, we got this far with nothing. It's pretty it's pretty crazy if you were going to gamble on two dudes in the entertainment business with, say, you have 100 bucks in your pocket and you're like, hey, man, I'm not going to miss this on a box. But if I invest in Tom and Burt, I know that this silly hundred bucks that I was going to waste on booze has the opportunity to be a million dollars for me.


Yeah, I'm. You're starting to sell me now. Yeah. I don't know if the math works out there. Yeah. I don't know how many hundred dollars.


I wish you could place a bet on somebody in entertainment to see if like you, I mean if you go like oh this person let's do it. Yeah. That's what they're doing. They're betting on us.


Who would you bet on right now. Me and you know. No, like that's not me. And you know, who would I bet on? That's a good call. OK, Chris DiStefano. Yeah, Andrew Schultz, yep, Norman, all the new young New York comics right now. DYLAN Yeah. Dylan All the young New York comics. I would bet on all of them because I think they're really hungry and they don't give a fuck. Yeah.


Like they're willing to fly across country without a mask to do a podcast. That's what you need. Like Sam Zell is immoral. I would I would bet on all those fucking guys. Yeah. Me, to be honest. Papis Yep. They're all funny as fuck to this episode is brought to you by Hem's.


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If you go to me on these dotcom bear that to me undies, dotcom, Auxerre, I would bet on like if you if you said here, if you're being real about this, if you said I am Branfman, it sounds like a rich person name. Right. Branfman Leonard Bronfman owns a liquor company. OK. I got ten million dollars, what do I do with it? I would definitely double down on me and you because me and you have the cash to be able to make something.


Yeah. With we could get we could make a fucking movie in a heartbeat.


I tell you, my latest pitch for a movie. Ready, ready. I need artwork for this. If someone can make artwork for this, we can, we can crowdfund this on Kickstarter. OK, make our own fucking movie here. Here's the it's a working title.


It's called Fat Astronauts. OK, OK, me and Tom are sent to space because they're going to start building moon colonies on the moon, colonies on the moon, but right. They want to know how many to build and they're going to sell them to regular Americans like me and Tom. So they send us up to the space station with all the things we like booze, food, weed, porn stars. And they're like, we want to see if your lifestyle translates to space living or if you die.


Right. When we get up there and we find out we fucking love it, we don't want to come back, we sabotage it so they can't get us out so that we're locked up. Do we go up there with porn stars or they send the porn stars?


LINDER Dude, we're all in the rocket. We're drinking cocktails or like in the space shuttle or whatever. I haven't worked out like the whole. Yeah, I'm in on this. Yeah. It's like the movie away.


The news there, like that scene to when we go to NASA and they're like, are you guys here to like fix the the the toilets. Yeah. And then we're like, no, they're sending us up. And then they're like, you're way too fat to be sent this. Like you have to be in really good shape and then like a higher up goes. It's a new program. We're sending real fat people.


We're sending people with your problems up there. We Americans are like these guys. Yeah. This is most Americans. And if we're going to make space colonies, we're not going to help athletes then begin to tell the people who who want them who have plantar fasciitis and want some weight off their feet.


And one of the one of the engineers has to try and be like these guys. These are guys are way too fat for this. And they're like, it's OK, it's OK.


They're probably going to die in Houston to the space shuttle, to Tom there. Yeah, this is Tom. We're getting a reading that there's come everywhere.


You have Jack an awful lot. Sorry, I didn't know where to put it. I've been blowing it into the walls. We're sending porn stars out to help you out. So bad astronauts and then you ready for the fourth act, third act, whatever.


Yeah, we block it so that we don't have to come home and at the end we've got to come home and save Earth or.


Well, I want to wait, why do we have to go back to say, oh, no, you know, we really got to can be a funny thing.


I got out of a funny thing, you know, like you used to sit there and you're crying and you're like talking about the past and you see floating like hot porth with their dad around your cameras on and you see me lick my thumb and wipe blood off the screen, blood everywhere.


I need to know where the wipes are.


Astronauts, fat astronauts is funny. See, the thing is, the thing about you said this to me when you started when we're doing a live event, right? Yeah. October 15th, when you once you realize that the live event is us to consumer and no notes. Yeah. You really kind of get an opportunity to do whatever the fuck you want. Yeah.


We have Mistress' Melody coming in here. She's going to spank us. And I think, you know, hopefully more than we can be like I didn't know I was going to happen, so fucking good.


I got 100 milligrams that I'm trying to break up throughout the show. Good call. Break them up. Slow roll, slow roll them.


And then how much what's the most Titos you've ever drank?


And tonight I'll probably handle I'm castling.


I don't know which is half a gallon. Yeah, yeah, probably. Probably I'm guessing. Do you think you could do that on the 15th or. I don't know. We're going to try, we're going to see what we can get into us. Base, why inmates, virtual dotcom, two bears, one cave live a double XL event, but that's the once.


So then I think to myself, and this is what you, when you called me, told me about the first one you ever did. Yeah, I started going. To these to these people listening and watching, like, right, they like the things we think of or yeah, we can act on whatever fucking level. Sure.


Imagine if we made just made a movie for them. That's the whole idea. And so, Major, imagine if we made five astronaut and then me and you just sat and said what would make them laugh. Like what makes us giggle.


What would you rather make the fat astronauts or the road trip. Road trip would be easier. You. No, I bet fat astronauts we can make cheaper because we have to space them. No, you don't. OK.


It's one location. I know one location. So that would be cheap.


Let me call an executive producer real quick and see how much I'm going to call a movie guy, OK? God damn it.


Fucking voice dial. All right, let's see, um. Tom. OK, I'm going to call a movie guy and find out budget wise which one's cheaper. OK. And then and then we'll just make that movie, but we won't make it for a studio or for anyone other than our fans. Yeah, exactly. We'll make it for people that want to watch it.


And and and we'll just make it as dirty as we want to be, like, no, we don't need a rating.


Yeah, we're just releasing it to this.


Yeah. Man, racial slurs do whatever we want. No, we'll go shy of those. But yeah, we can put them in that matter. Sure. There's no there's no like WOAK executive here.


Yeah. I'm, I'm getting. OK, yeah, exactly, we could just beyond that be like, oh, man, you know, it's nice if I do the road trip, I do the road trip. And by the way, I would love if we could get Jennifer Aniston to be our star.


Yeah, something tells me that might, um. Why is what is wrong with her?


Like, no, I mean, that's serious, like like you reach out to it and you're like, yo, help us get Jennifer. She was like, you know, she was what is it? What's in it for her?


That's what's wrong with Hollywood. What's in it for her?


It's fun. Yeah.


What whoever lost scope of the fun that your job is just to fuck around. Yeah. Look at people like it's crazy that you're like, yo jennison like just hang out with us and let's create some fun and we'll laugh. We're really funny and you can bring bodyguards.


Well we got we heard back actually from Jen's uh. Yeah. Reps overall. Yeah. Oh. She already committed to do a couple of podcasts and doesn't want to do our stuff. My true.


Yeah. Are you being serious. Totally serious. He didn't, they didn't say she doesn't want to do yours. It's just that she's already doing a couple of podcasts. Yeah.


So fuckin that's, that's somebody. But uh it's fucking such bullshit.


Can I tell you that's what cultural appropriation feels like. Yeah. Is when you've been in podcasting forever and then like nine what. Ten years we've been doing podcasts and then celebrities come in and do a podcast and then all of a sudden everyone's like, oh you do one, two. And you're like, I'm the reason they do one. Yeah. Like we're all the like yeah. Joe's big now.


But we remember when when we didn't read them, we just fucked up non-stop. Stop speaking.


I remember that ago. Does anyone listen to your show to Joe. This is like really early. Oh yeah. He was like yeah definitely. And I go, how do you know. And he goes because my message boards because he had a he had message boards on his website. Yeah. So people could like I said, that message board.


And I was like, that's how, you know, people are listening. I was like, yeah, there's like back and people are enjoying it. And I was like, OK, man, this guy's crazy.


God, I remember when you and him had the snowflakes on the screen. Yeah. When used to do his podcast and it was like back before. Yeah. I remember Eila, the first broken episode I ever listen to. Eila saw you on the computer and hit a button. It was on like Twitter or MySpace or something. Yeah. Hit a button and it went into whatever it was was on the big screen. I was sitting in my recliner and she was watching you and Joe on my computer and I went, What are you doing?


And I sat down with her and we watched that episode. It must have been like, I'm being joking. Episode ten. It was like one of the very, very first ones. Yeah. And I watched it with I had just hit a button on my computer and it went big screen. Wow. Not crazy. Yeah. And that's when I started that's when I fell in love with a podcast, his podcast. I mean obviously I was I was a fan of his podcast, but before I even knew him, by the way, sidebar on this, there's someone's podcast like maybe I should I don't really remember.


But DAX Shepherd's podcast, um, have you have not listened to the one where he talks about sobriety?


Have you know, because all I heard was that he fell off the wagon.


Dude, it is so. Is first of all, it's fucking awesome. It is one of the better podcasts I've ever listened to. Really?


Yeah, because he is one. He's 100 percent honest. But it's like in a really like like take it's fucking just I mean this respectfully, but like, he didn't get into podcasting as he was in love with podcasting.


I think he got into podcasting because probably some an agent brought it to him or like I don't think he was like a big Rogan fan, a big Marrin fan. I think he probably found podcasting was like, hey, let's see if we can flip this into some money. And mostly it's like celebrity interviews. And they're very it's very it is very Hollywood. He kind of it's not like the gritty like no, no one is.


Spotify would boycott his podcast, like they'd all be like, we're so lucky to have it. It's a real gem, you know. Yeah. And like, we're not going into Spotify any time soon. They would never let this shit on there and they would boycott us so fucking fast. Yeah.


And I think their first like the first thing they put it, they go burts a problem.


Right. Well they would say, oh, shit time.


But my point is I'm not I'm not trying to shit on Dax's podcasts at all.


I'm because ever since I said something about it, I sort of listen to it. It's really good. There's some Hollywood talk I take out of it, you know, just Hollywood talk. When you hang out with enough actors, you hear kind of just Hollywood talk is very insightful, but.


Now that I've listened to this episode, I go, oh, he's done a lot of work on himself, like he was a shit show back in the day and I don't know anything about it. Oh, I mean, I know I know who he is, but I don't know. So he was sober for six years.


No drugs, no alcohol. But like, when he's very specific, he's like, it's not drugs and alcohol. It's cocaine, beer, it's coke and booze, like coke and booze was his thing.


And then you start going, I really want to party with that guy.


Then you hear how he falls off the wagon and he falls off the wagon on pain pills and he falls off recently.


Yeah, he fell off a couple of times. It's a little tough to follow, not tough to follow. It's just I'm not the best listener.


But he fell off like, oh, when he was doing I guess there was a TV show called Parenthood that was from the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin. I didn't even know that I love that movie, which had seen a TV show. He was on it. And I guess he broke his wrist on his motorcycle and they gave him Percocet, Vicodin, and he gave them to his wife and said, dole them out. You should, by the way, I'll tell you everyone, you should go listen to this to Dax's podcast.


Which one is it is I think it's called day seven. I think that's the title of it.


It is so fucking good. It is so good. And he is so open and honest. And I was like I was I listened to it. I listened to it straight. I could not stop listening to it. It's titled Title Day Seven and it was crazy is he talks about ego and about the ego of sobriety as much as I party. And oddly enough, I don't think I have a problem with drugs and alcohol the way people that do have a problem are, like he said, like.


He would take. He would not take his pill at night so that he could double up in the morning and what's insane about his insight? And by the way, these are his insights. I'm sharing them with you, as he said there was. And I do identify with this 100 percent. I mean, so much so that it like tapped into me and I went, whoa, is he loved being in control of being able to give himself a good mood.


Right. And I was like, that's my whole thing with treats is like I want to be able to treat myself so I can like I'm sitting there with nothing. I'm like, oh, he was like there was no better feeling than to Purkiss. That's two 30 mg Percocet and a cup of coffee.


And I was like, oh my God, you now I can feel that buzz right now and the back in my head going through my neck and he was like what. He said another thing. He goes, it's not. The the perks that's supposed to just take away the pain, he goes, it's not that I like.


I like when the extra one where you go, oh, it's taking away the pain. And then there's a little English on it.


Yeah, I remember that. I've been taking pain pills in forever. Yeah. I had the worst ones and I, I, you know. I don't have pain pills regularly. Last time I remember taking pain pills was like wisdom teeth coming out or something, you know? Yeah. So I had that hernia operation and they're like, you're going to be in a lot of pain tonight, tomorrow and the next day and the next day. And I go, great.


Do I get I'm assuming I have pain pills and they go, Yeah. So I'm getting out of the hospital and the nurse goes, here you go. This is what the the doctor gave you. Uh, not that strong. Like, I'm sorry. What do you mean it's not that strong? She goes, I mean, just looking at it and like, these aren't that strong. And I go, what can I get the strong ones? And she goes, I mean, you have to make an appointment with him.


I'm like, I'm in the hospital. Yeah. Just have him come down here and she's like, well, he's not here right now. You're right left. And I was like, I go, so what the fuck are you telling me?


This is just going to hurt. And she was like, well, jeez, I thought that, like. They'd give you something stronger, you know, this is like these are like five mg or whatever, and then I go, I'm a big guy. Like, this is not I'm not going to feel this.


DACs told me they are only made for certain weights. The prescriptions are made for a certain weight class.


So once you're a bigger doctor told me I heard on the podcast, I'm such a fucking by the way, I'm sure I go talk to a lot of Hollywood, talk to things like you talk shit.


I don't think Dask can find any holes in the things you say. No, but it sucked, man.


And so I started doubling up on the pills. Nothing, nothing. And then they're like they're like, oh, you can take some, um, like some Tylenol with it.


You'll be fine. I was like, great, they sucked, man. It was the worst. I ended up getting some other stuff.


The well that's what he ended up doing and he ended up buying stuff like on the side. Yeah. But he was keeping it from everyone but everyone. I don't know if everyone knew his his co-host, his co-host. Can I tell you the most interesting thing is I get hooked on something where I can't not hear it anymore.


Him and his co-host both say the word D, D and T without the second D in it. Didn't they go didn't didn't didn't huh. They both say, didn't I. Maybe I maybe it was my phone the way I was listening to it. They don't say didn't they. Don't they. Didn't they say Dinant. Yeah, interesting, it's really interesting and I I couldn't stop not hearing it then, and they both do it, they both go Dinant and I wonder if it was if it's because they're from like I think they're both from like Detroit or something on orders from seems like he's from Detroit.


You know, if you like how I just add something in that is not real, I'll find out where DAX Shepards from. There you go. You shut the fuck up. Yeah, it seems like he's from a problem, sir.


He said that I'm sure he said that he didn't just like figure that out. I'm sure.


But you've probably heard it multiple times. Yeah. My point is and by the way, I got to give a big shout out to the armchair podcast because they were the last time the expert armchair expert, the last time we talked about the podcast, they sent me a shirt. Oh. And I've been wearing the shirt. It's actually a really good shirt. And that podcast, the heated day seven, is so fucking amazing.


I'll try to check it out. All right. So what's up with the comment section? I just see that in the notes here. The cabin, is it like, oh, I'm not. I'm not. I'm definitely not looking at that.


OK. Oh yeah. OK, ok.


People wrote I hope no dogs were hurt in the making of the series, I guess is where the trailer for your new show Will. The cabin is filled with Kool-Aid. Yeah, but this happened before Kool-Aid.


Why couldn't he get his good friend Adam Sandler and his big respect to everyone involved for dealing with bird smell? He has no pool to shower and out there you could only imagine the smell. That's actually not true.


I had a hot tub that I showered and excited for the Jennifer Aniston episode.


Yeah. How fucking fun would that be? Offended your cabin show? Apparently she won't. She's got another cabin, shows like that.


I'm going to try it out. Don't be stingy, Netflix.


I hope everyone likes it. Everyone like the trailer. The trailer trailer came out great. And and the show's funny as fuck. We were removed from your show.


But but yeah, I have. Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit.


What? I'm accidentally face timing that guy. Um, you know, it's so funny. I was the funniest thing to tell you, but I can't I can't say it right now because it would be. Oh, keep that name out. Sorry, I mean, I'm going to doing a podcast hey, I have a quick question about a movie. OK, so what if which one is more cost effective? A movie about me and Tom in space where the majority of it takes place on a spaceship or me and Tom doing a road trip movie?


Probably in spaceships. Yeah, and how do we how do we achieve zero gravity or do we just go and they turn gravity on and now we can walk around the spaceship, be on wires, I would think.


OK, all right. Thank you. Yeah. All right. Spaceship movie. OK, astronauts, OK.


And it's also a really good reason to not like try to get in shape before you every time, really take care of myself.


Like, hey, don't take too good care of yourself. I'm going to shoot for a role to shoot fat astronauts.


So I have to I need to gain weight to make it funnier. By the way, I'm not opposed to that at all. Yeah, I already think I've already pictured.


What if we show up to 95? Imagine how funny we could make this movie for just the people watching like it, if the only expectation was our fans.


Yeah, we could make and like I mean, OK, so the movie ticket costs like 20 bucks, right?


I don't know. I don't know. I haven't. But but let's say some, let's say 15. Right. In major cities, 15 bucks.


Yeah. I wonder if we get we have a million views on YouTube, but we're not going to get all those million. What if we get 500000 people to pay ten bucks, then that's five million dollars. We could make a five million dollar movie. If 500000 people pay ten bucks, that's five million.


It's not five million. How much is I think that's a 50.


How are you going to make this is the kind of math that makes us billionaires.


Aren't you glad you're part of the holding corp? Now it's five million dollars, right? Yes, I believe it is a good thing we got me on this. I know. Speaking of money, that's not enough money, no shit we need.


OK, so we need because the budget, even if we make this, you know, low budget, it's going to be it's going to be a few million.


How much do you think we can raise on Kickstarter to make that make our movie?


I guarantee you we could get ten million dollars to make a movie on Kickstarter. And then and then if we get those everyone that chips in, we give them points on the movie, that's not a bad idea. Yeah, you don't do that. I mean, I'm not good at math, obviously, but we don't want to do that. All right.


I want to talk about money because you like certain good things. And I don't I don't like I never I'm not I don't certain things just I don't get into like I'm not really into cars.


Oh, yeah. You're not really into cars. But but I did get a dope ass car and so but but you can tell people are. No, no. And so. But shoes, you're into shoes and shoes. Yeah, and I bought a very nice pair of sneakers that I don't understand. Show me so. These these are the sneakers. OK, so they have this, by the way, they came with this stupid ass fucking tag and these are off-White.


I don't know what that means, but, yeah, this is a virtual Pablos line. Yeah. Virtual Pablos, the designer. So he got like a lot of notoriety when he started. He did like. Are you making this up right now? No, no. He did like Hana's all his early covers, you know, like a college dropout and all those things.


And then he went on to start off with it. And he's also Louis Vuitton is like design, creative director and stuff.


So he does like a lot of he does a lot of like what's it called like what's it called when you work with somebody else? I can't think of collaboration.


Yeah, he does a lot of collaboration stuff, but this is like his specific tell is like, you know, he he writes these, you know, these things on the shoe and then these these tags are like you're supposed to wear the tag that is.


Yeah. And I think it's kind of ridiculous too. But yeah, he does things like the quotes, shoe laces, that's all. Virgile Abelow stuff. Real. Yeah.


These are I imagine give me my fucking Brillion. These I imagine were probably pretty expensive. They were, there were seven hundred dollars. Jesus. Yeah. Seven hundred. But I so I just.


You saw that and you paid seven hundred dollars.


Well no I. Doesn't seem like you. I was drunk, OK? Right now I'm buying it, and I just found out with stadium goods was OK. And so I'm looking at shoes. I was looking for stage shoes. And considering that I only wears our gas stations, I only wear jeans and I sit on stage and shoes.


I thought maybe I'd class up my shoes so that it looks like I tried. Yeah. You know, so I bought these shoes.


You've spent seven hundred dollars, OK? Yeah, I do.


I don't know what an expensive shoe cost.


Well I'm just saying it just feels very not Birte. But then you said you were drinking. I was drunk and I looked at it and I was like, I like I like the color of the shoe. And I, I saw the tag. I didn't know the tag was going to come on it. And so I and I know what it off-White is. I know that I know you're supposed to wear the tag with it's the tag off. That's what like the fashionistas would keep this on.


Yeah. And so and then I. And then how did you take it off. I just I just slid it off.


It just you just oh. Oh I got you. Instead of cutting it and I almost cut it. Well you could. Well yeah. Then I was going to sell them. I was going to sell them back so I don't want them. You know what anymore. Well no I now I'm wearing them today for the first time ever. You like them. They're really confused. They looked really comfortable. I don't know about this shit. Yeah.


But I mean, look at them. Those shoes look dope as fuck man. Yeah.


But like this is silly, like a little bit. It's like the weirdest looking shoe when I think I would just like.


You're a fashion guy now. I think I would just like I want to just take out the the this stuff.


I met Virgil Ablow the day he got his Louis Vuitton appointment. It was all in the news and stuff.


Who is Virgil Abelow? Let me see a picture. This is the way I'm going. I'm going to get some closure for closure. I'm going to guess what do you think? He looks like he's French. He's got white hair, he is balding and he is 54 years old and he's got a white shirt on in the picture. I'm going to see. OK, open your eyes. He's black.


Yep. I did not expect that yet. All right, Tim. Virgil Ablow, he must be he must be Haitian. I don't know, don't comment on that, I'm guessing so I don't know, I really don't know. So we can be sure he's like a designer. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, so funny, the way the way I pictured him was not this, and so that makes sense that he would wear these when I was like a white guy.


I mean, this didn't make sense.


Now that I see it all makes sense when I was like, oh, now they are cool. Once a black eye makes them, I'm like, OK, yeah, they're dope now. OK, ok. These aren't bad shoes. Then I'm only going to wear them on stage because I don't like I have stage shoes that I only wear on stage. Yes. Shoes are good. Yeah. And then you fly with them and I keep in the bag.


Yeah. Yeah. Bring them up to the stage. That's the way to do it. I rock this little fucking.


This is stupid. I don't think so. I don't think it's very birte. I want to put it on a keychain. Do it so people know that I like fancy shirt and then will be like a good idea. Bird Virgile Ablow what an interesting fucking name. Can you look at his. Tiepin, I wonder what can I tell you, the shoes I really want. Yeah, these are the ones I really want. I would never spend this much.


The Nike espie, donc Tiffani's now, I just wanted to know, like his wicky and stuff.


I follow him on Instagram. How much is it worth? American, the Louis Vuitton. Chef, executive order chief executive executive officer, yeah, on the label off-White was a cool fucking name. He's from Rockford, Illinois, that he's 30, Knowshon.


He went to the University of Madison, Wisconsin. What a great fucking school, what a great fucking school. Top five schools you could go to right now, colleges that you would want to have that college experience. By the way, University of Wisconsin at Madison, definitely fucking one of them.


It's a fun place. The first place I got high, high out of my mind when I was 14.


Oh, yeah. I would like to go I'd love to go to Ohio State. I think Ohio State would be a great experience. That would be fun. I think Florida State, I did it right. I was a great life experience I ever have. So fucking fun. Really. Oh, my God.


I wouldn't mind going to like a small private school that's like in a town where, like a not a lot of people live, you know, like like Swannie or something like this. Yeah, I do like those. But those how much of those cost 100 bucks.




I can get good shoes for not seven hundred dollars. Yeah.


Yeah you can't. But I do think those are super dope. They're cool, they're cool but only if you know they're cool. You know what LeAnn thinks they're fucking ridiculous. She take them off. I'm not walking around with you with Lagos's pink laces on your shoes.


I think that's cool. Do you think Bush would like these? Yeah, I think so. Yeah, like, oh, I don't need to put it back on. Yeah, I'm not I'm not a big I feel like. I have a hard time spending money. Yeah, yeah, because I just feel part of me feels like the second, you know, as I was saying this to someone the other day, is a fine line between being humble and then and then acting like I deserve to be here.


Yeah. You know, we're we're as opposed to so many times in this business, we've seen guys and women and women, definitely women as well, who behave like they're the best in town. Yeah. And you're like you're not that good. Like, you need to check yourself a little bit. Yeah.


But then there's a fine line between. Having a little bit of what they have and then being humble, you know, or being sometimes too humble, like I would say Rogen and Burrett at times are too humble like like Rogen is. I remember Rogen telling me one time he wasn't famous. And I was like, OK, let's let's because I was telling him I was famous. It's like, bitch, you're not famous and I'm not famous. And I was like, first of all, you might be right about me, but you fucking definitely.


Yeah. And by the way, I'm famous because I know you, OK, but like but there is a fine line so I have a hard time spending money.


I just don't want to spend money because I'm afraid that if I spend money then I look like I'm going to. And then and then people get a reason to laugh at you when you fail because you spent you spent your money.


Oh yeah. Look at this. Look at this fucking guy just bought this and now look at him. But then you. But you do spend money. I do spend money. Got those shoes.


You got a new car, you're building another house. You got robbed. Yeah. Yeah, I got robbed.


What happened. Uh, can I tell you. Do you think they were like, we'll teach Burt for spending all his money? No, Robert, it was Lee-Anne that spent the money. It was they took all our appliances from your new house. Yeah, they were just installed.


No, no, they hadn't been installed yet. We just heard that they're about to be installed in a couple of days.


And I imagine it's probably pretty expensive. It was pretty expensive. Yeah, it was really expensive. Yeah. But, you know, insurance covers it.


Not saying that this is like new ovens and fridges and all that stuff and ice make great icemaker. Great. You know, you know, I love this one thing.


I would bet that you have an awesome order on. It's an ice maker, bro.


I spent extra money on this ice maker. I wanted a certain type of ice. Big fucking spender over here. I want a certain type of ice.


I got ice, popcorn, ice. Like popcorn. Yeah, the kind that you get when you go to the kind of game you go to like a restaurant, you know, the drive through that give you a Styrofoam cup and you get popcorn.


Ice. Yeah. Oh, does that expensive machine.


It was it's gone now and I and I it's on back order so I can't get one so I can't get fucking popcorn ice cream. I start eating popcorn ice cream in there. Yeah. What kind of man is ice cream. Yeah it just auto populated.


I know popcorn ice is fucking the best and so I got I we'll see if we can get it. I might just hold off and not even get an ice maker until I can get the ice maker I want because I really want I'm like a big into ice set please.


There's no isolate that. There's no I'm big into ice. There's nothing better than like oh I didn't think so.


Wind in that game. But listen to the machine. Thank you. The. When you make like a big cup like this, right, and you fill it with ice and then you pour like a soda in there, the so does that much better. Yeah, I'm a big cocktail guy, right. Cocktail.


There's nothing worse than going to someone's house. And they and they're running out of ice.


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Can I tell you I'm going to name one comedian who does not believe in ice, who does not have ice in his house.


Try to guess does not have ice in his house is what you're saying.


It makes it telling time Sebastian. There's no. So you're like does not have ice. No, no. In his house. Sebastian's got the best ice in town I guarantee.


Like think about this. Ready. Yeah. Think about the name of comics that would care about the kind of ice they had in their house. OK, meaning like they'd be like, oh yeah.


First of all, I've always got ice and I like different times and I got good ice. I guarantee you Sebastian Maniscalco has the best ice in town. Probably I almost. I thought you were leaning into an impression. I want to call him right now. Do you have a number. Yeah. Let's call him and see. If he cares about ice and if I call him and say he's going to pick the fuck you call him because I think I don't think I have his number, I have his number, but I don't save it.


So that one is that the number you have to also change numbers three times, this one I have. Jesus, no, I don't I don't have that one. Try this one, no, try yours. I think mine's new, OK. When was the last time you talked to him? You talked to him recently. Now what? It wasn't recently. And it's also the third number he's given me. I don't have that number. Well, I'm saying that's right.




By the way, this might be Sebastian Bach.


I do have Sebastian Bach's No. What about with that baby? It's not it's going to voicemail. All right, you try the new number, you try it. No, he's going to be like, let me be nice, but if you call me, I'll be like, you have birdcalls, bad eyes. Let's see if I have two numbers for him. Try this one. No. Why not?


I bought a cycle, called him and he didn't cycle cause I know he's got another phone on his table ring and he's like, God damn it.


Who the fuck is this?


I call this one. That's what I thought you were doing. Shut up. Just just dial it. All right. What if what if he said things like, how do you get this number? What the fuck, bro, when I don't pick up? Did you put it in? Right? Yeah, I think so. Stop saying the numbers. Yo, I'm sick of this motherfucker. Tom Noncommunist, my nigga.


All right. Now, you got you got that number, I had that number, so I try it, yeah, yeah, try it, see?


They disconnected this one. It's the third one, yeah, I got the new number. Jesus Christ. So. I'm going to tell I'll text them, I think I'm almost certain I got this text. One time he reached out to me, he was like, did you tell a guy in New York to call me about my finances?


I was like, fuck no. He's like some guy called me.


Did you? Hey, I'm doing a podcast with Tom and we're talking about ICE. And we'd love to have your hot take on ice. All right, what if people like you like, I didn't know it was ice. Hold on. Hold on a second. I guess they had a lot of things to say about it.


I bet he does. I guarantee you. I guarantee you. Sebastian's kind of guy when he when he bought his new house. Yeah. I guarantee you kind of guy is like, let me see the icemaker. Yeah. And they're like, well, has six fridges, which which one you want to see.


So guess the comedian who did not. I went to his house to do a podcast.


Yeah. I want to know. I want to know. Didn't have eyes and he's like I don't believe.


And I was like, oh you need ice. And I go, you don't have ice. And he was like, why would I need ice? I was like, how do you drink? Just tell me. So. So let's hold on. Let's think. No, no.


Marin Marin had an experience. Got it. Have you seen it. I'm just taking a podcast. I'm Aaron. Um, OK.


Whose house did you go to to do a podcast. Fits now you into his house.


No, he's a big ice guy. Oh, he's a big ice guy. You talk about ice talking to me.


Uh, OK, um, I don't know. Bobby Lee, oh, now it's like talking about a fuckin mental ward. Yeah, didn't believe in it.


OK, do they have ice at Cedars Sinai? I mean, yeah I believe frozen fruit from his fridge. He's like, why do I why would I have ice.


Why would I ice. And I went I go, well who wouldn't have ice because I don't drink. And I said, Bobby, other people use ice for other things than just making cocktails. Yeah. Didn't have ice I guarantee you. I guarantee you Whitney has a great ice machine.


We'll see about Bobby's fucking ice. He won't answer. Oh, you think he's awake? Oh, that's right, way too early for him and I'll have to carry the same hours she sleeps in that much.


She's sound asleep right now. I guarantee you why she slept. She hasn't she actually didn't get out of bed one day for 24 hours.


That's a good sign. It's kind of like, yeah, like a bathroom, which is like I already did it, like in the bed. Oh, OK, I'm going to probably leave. No, Theo wouldn't give a fuck about ice.


Yeah, yeah, I don't know. I think he might appreciate good ice. Do you think about. Yeah, I think so. I mean, not the funny thing is, once you said Bobby, I was like, that's not a horse, right?


Yeah. Everything got robbed. Can I tell you what really broke my heart about this robbery? So I had planned my one splurge for this house was I was going to build a moat, by the way, is they're like recording of their camera of the robbery. Them, you want to hear how a divorce almost started, fucking I fucking Lee-Anne, we got all these cameras and then I go, we'll think, oh, we have the cameras. And she's like, oh, I haven't put them online yet.


And I was like, why would we get the cameras if we're not going to use them? She was like, I don't know why. Yeah.


And I get real fucking broad. I got so fucking angry and I was like, so we bought all these camp, all these cameras are on, but they don't record.


She was like, well, I didn't think we were gonna get robbed.


And I was like, no, that's the whole point that no one knows you're going to get robbed and that's why you have the cameras. So in case you grab you and go, that's what these people look like, let's just put this to the police. Right. Police came in. They were like I was like, you guys a new fingerprint.


The guy went, are you serious? And I was like, no fingerprints.


And he goes, Nah. He was like, Welcome to L.A., buddy. And he was like, this is the new L.A. D.A. I called you and I told you this. He said, this is the new L.A. Because of covid. They're not arresting anyone and they're not charging anyone. They're not putting anyone in prison. So things are getting a little out of control and petty crime, stuff like this, this kind of shit no one's going to jail for, they're not they don't give a fuck.


And so he's like, so, you know, who do you think did it? My guys, I'll tell you what. I could get into the I could get into the the skinny of it, because here's the deal and this is what bummed me out is I was going to have a moat built around my house.


I was not a moat. It was going to be like a coy pond. Right. But in the front, I was going to dig this huge koi pond because I thought that is the best line of defense. Well, they are digging up. They're currently digging up all our lines in that yard. So there are no joke. I am not joking. Nine foot deep trenches all over this yard. And these people went through this. They went over the trenches.


The trenches are fucking four feet wide. This was this was definitely a Mexican thing.


You're saying is that are you saying it had to be someone?


Good point, Tom. Yeah, I don't know.


I would think I would I it's so funny. I didn't I assume with a moat, build the moat, build that moat.


Dude, they got over trenches that are literally like three feet wide, three feet wide, nine feet deep that surround the garage.


I mean, the surround where they got and they took an ice machine to refrigerator.


They took it over the fucking moat. And so I was like, most are useless. Like, you think a moat would make sense? These guys, they didn't have a problem. I took my bows and arrows, the supposed arrows for the girls. We were shooting bows and arrows. They took three hundred or thousand arrows. I think I had a thousand arrows to bows. I had fucking all this shit in the garage and they just went through.


You feel violated when you get robbed like that. You feel so violated and angry and then and everything was spinning apart. I told you about some of the stuff in there like like fucking shit falling apart.


And I got so livid and I was like, just get this data and just get this data on.


Can you tell me to end on a nice note, what's going on with this mural that I saw a shot of? What's happening?


Where is this? This is an zanies Nashville. And if I'm not the back side of the club, I yelled on the side sidewall there. They're doing murals of comedians. And I think if I'm not mistaken, they're putting you right next to me. Really. Take a look. The view, that's Eddie Murphy. I think it's you know, who does that look like, Tom, I can see a bit of a resemblance. Yeah, that's Tom Baldhead, big nose to nose off a little bit.


That's a good one to you. Isn't that good?


And they get your fucking catchphrase on your hat. Hundred percent.


I love that they made my teeth a little white. Yeah. They didn't go multicolored.


Snoop told me I need to go. By the way, you know, I spit bars the snoop and he fucking loved them. Oh yeah. Yeah. I said and I told him, I said, you know, I signed a record deal. I almost did signed a record deal. You know that right now. Oh yeah. I got offered a record deal. By whom. Where when. Big New York company. How long ago. It's a few months ago.


And why would they offer you a record deal? Oh, because I spa's I tell them, shut the fuck up.


He's got a point. I'm going to take these away from you.


It's our live events.


Going to be so fucking good. It is going to be it's going to be so fucking good. Here's the thing. We're going to be drunk and high.


And what we should do is we should we should also block certain people from being able to watch it.


How do we do that? I don't know. Like I'm going to give you a few emails that end in TBS.


Yeah. And you block those. Get rid of those. We'll have good eyes here. We're going. Have a good time.


Oh, we put that on the list. You get some good ice for the event we need. Good. And by the way, not multiple types of ice. Don't just get one one bag of ice shout out to North Hollywood Ice Company. There you go.


Reach out to them about wanting to join the live show with different types of hey, also get in three hundred pounds of ice in here and let's do some polar plunges. Meenu polar plunge on the live show. On the live show.


Fuck no. Yeah it is so good. It's not good. It's I bet you want to be in this room in a polar plunge and we're going to be. Are we going to be naked. I don't think so. We should find out.


Here's actually our dicks will be out because we have those, we got vibrating decks, leaves that to see who comes faster.


But actually, normally, I would say we'd have to hide it, but we can actually just put them up in front of people.


Well, I think it's I think it's. Can I tell you, I had a dream that we put butt plugs in each other. Doesn't have to be a dream. We could do it. I was like it was set up so that they were like the dominatrix behind us and like, all right, who's going to tap out first in the butt plug? Yeah. And there was like a thousand dollars here. And we're going to find out who's going to win the thousand dollars.


We both were five hundred in and we both put the plugs in and she was like, I can't go any further on either of you. Like, well, we need that. We need a winner in that. Oh, my God.


Can I see a picture of our dominatrix like she's do they know about Denominator's yet? They know now we have a dominatrix coming for the live event. Yes.


There she is. Who how old is she? I don't know.


Let's get an age on her. Um, it's probably not a good. Let's hope she's over twenty four.


She is OK, good, good. I can't be around a young fucking dominatrix, any old hag haggard. No, she's not an old hag or dominatrix.


She's super hot, smoking hot medical. What does it say? Medical. What are the what are the things she what are the things that she can do to us?


Hmm. Put on lipstick slowly exotically Elegante.


But we'll see her interests, can we go to our interests? I see signs point to a lot of that forced feminization play, humiliation and degradation, you're saying?


Yeah, or pegging, bondage, pegging. I wouldn't mind getting pegged, huh?


What's that mean? That's fun. We're going to do it wax play, genital spanking, squeezing with CBT, CBT. It's a cognitive behavioral therapy. OK, that was it for I don't know, I can't playing electro stimulation, general diagnostic, nipple torture. Nice. OK, I'll keep going roleplay corporal punishment, God. Sensory play, we got blindfolds. We're going to do some of that. Sensory play watersports, that's PPY, she's going to Besos.


I hope so. Tannen's Tannen's. Is that like the dozens. I don't know. Electrical stimulation definitely seems like a lot.


If I go to her, scroll back up and go to her gallery. She is gorgeous. God. Oh, my God, I don't know about you, but I think I might come first when you're allowed to come in Dominatrixes. Well, I can come whenever I want, but I'm not going to come in her. I just meant in my pants.


What are the whole thing? Is that just every now and then just. Yeah. What happened? Nothing you're going do. She's gorgeous. She is gorgeous.


Yeah. This is a good move for our careers, right? I think so. Oh, should we run this by our wives? Shut up. You know, it would be great, but if we got our wives to come in and they could torture our genitals.


Oh, yeah, like as this lady pisses on us, we're going to lose her. She's going to see this, like, fucking love these guys. What are these on your site?


Would you would you where would you let her pee on you? What do you mean? Like, if she was like, OK, I'm going to pee on you, pick a place wherever you want.


No, not my face. My only Peter White face.


That's probably the first spot I would ask for. How long's your stream going to be? How long can I hold my breath?


Hopefully a long time. What did you just like have one of those morning PCs? What if she's just like a like a fucking pound of asparagus? Just fart naanu.


Just so you know, I have an IUD, a fart box seems like to be the worst type of thing, maybe into, you know, I mean where you head is locked in there. So he sits and farts in your face. That would be gnarly.


So we got to, we got to really come up with is you going to torture it off. All that's what we should have is have her in there.


And when we go hating the dog, pull it up and he's like, I'm on it. God damn it, that's a good idea.


Oh, maybe I could give him I want to give him a chiropractic adjustment that might be good to do on the live show too. OK, yeah, I wouldn't mind trying that out.


Yeah. We can do it together, the first Carbrook, these Justman I ever got was from a drunk chick on top of an RV at Lake Havasu. That's not a chiropractic adjustment. She was like, I'm pretty sure I can do this, you know, like you're hot and dry. She's like, I think you just made it worse. I tell you a cool story that happened, that trip. Yeah. There's one of my favorite stories.


How long ago was this? This was probably probably eight years ago. It was me, Bobby Kelly, Vincent Nazaryan, Matt Frost, OK.


And so we were all at this poolside bar at this hotel, the poolside bars here. Right. There's a pool of bar in the lakes right here. And then there's this tall hotel right here.


And so I am sitting there having a beer and all of a sudden I see this beautiful woman in a red dress like a red kind of sundress on the balcony. And I look up and she's looking at me and she waves and I wave and then she goes. And then she lives her dress up and shows me she's completely naked underneath it. Then drops it back down and goes. And I'm like, oh, God, I want to tell everyone so but I don't want to.


And I'm like, Yeah, Bobby the girl, it's just an order. And they're like, what's going on? And then I looked up and she was gone. It was like one of the coolest things I always want to. His story is not as good as being there, you know. Yeah, yeah, you no, it definitely wasn't. But I also thought that it was going to end with you going up to a room or something.


No, I never could close deals on stuff like that. No, no. It's Lake Havasu. Yeah. Anyone that wanted anyone that wanted to fuck me, I was like, gross.


That crazy, yeah, I needed to have sex with people that I didn't think liked me like I wanted to. I wanted to turn them. Yeah, you know, like I didn't to somebody who was kind of reluctant to do it.


I know it sounds a little rapey, but like he said, no, a bunch and like me. Then I'd be like, oh, that's what I'm into. No, I'm saying like like someone who just was like, we're last out. No, no.


Where I felt like I feel like I had to work for it, where I like had to show my personality, not like not someone who just like throwing themselves at you.


If there was a chick that was like I remember one time a chick was like, hey, we're at Johnny's in Tallahassee. And she was like, so we went to my place, your place. And I was like, gross. I was like, if you want to do that with me, barely knowing me, you must fuck everybody. Yeah. And I was like, I don't want to be like the old Woody Allen joke. I don't want to be a member of a club that's going to have me.


Yeah. You know, I get some of that. I want the chick that doesn't want to fuck me because she's really hot. Right. And then I got to fight for it and be like and be like, oh, no.


One time I was in college, I was sitting at like a like on a patio and this girl walked by. Staab comes around and she hands me a condom. I was like, she goes, we're going to use that later. This is like how she says hello. Oh, I like her.


Yeah, kind of. I like her in your story. She did that to me. I'd be like, uh, well, I was like, this is a super whore, you know.




Like, she's she's a mom now, probably. Oh, for sure. But that's not gone. And her Superman is not or. Yeah. Like where what happens when you're a super hot mom.


Hey, we should do. Let's get anonymous submissions from supermoms, I like it, OK, girls that were like, I could not get enough dick in college fresh out of college, you would have thought I was writing a paper about Dick.


And now I'm married and I have to suppress that, or is it in your past or is it in your past? Like you're like, I don't miss it.


Is it just a phase in your life? Was the email to Bears one gave at Gmail dot com?


Please use the subject line Super Mom.


Or I think Lee-Anne wasn't a superwomen.


She was a definitely she was definitely a lot crazier when we first started dating.


There's, by the way, one thing that will never leave. My memory is driving with her that day that I remember when I came by. Yeah, I know. I mean, I had no idea about that aspect of her personality at all.


That's by the way, that's who she was to fuck that fun part of her life back in the day.


She was wild. LeAnn was fucking wild. I mean wild. I remember the night before we got married, the night before we got married. Yeah.


We go out.


We have a party at her at like in at this place, I think it's called the mill or something and. And she takes me outside into her head, into a truck and. I'm talking I mean, jumps my boats like in the in the truck, like everyone's inside, she's like gets me out of this truck and we go out to the truck. I was like, what's going on? She's like, I just want to talk to you.


And I was like, OK.


And then fucking straddled me and is making out with me all over me, grabbing my all over me. And I'm like, oh, we're definitely fucking. And she was like, and then she stopped and she goes, You excited about tomorrow? And I was like, yeah. She goes, I hope you are. And left. And I went, Oh, I'm going to fucking marry that bitch is the fucking greatest thing ever.


I want to remember is that she probably remembers that. I bet she doesn't. Why would she not remember that. I bet she goes. Yeah, I kind of maybe.


Well this is about how much you wanna bet. If I call her and she goes she goes, honey, I'm busy right now. OK, let's see. That's the difference, and that's why I just. You know, something very sweet that I said to her yesterday, we were we were talking about something about I said to her, life's been a little complicated, obviously, with coronaviruses and with everything going on. And there's other stuff I was telling you about responsibilities you feel.


And and I said I get. Why men cheat on their wife like 45. I get it, I get midlife crisis, I understand it. I'm not going to do it. But I understand she was like, see what's going on with you? And I said, nothing wrong with me. I just know that. At a certain age, you go, I'm halfway done life, and and it may only be 10 more years or 20 more years, and what is it in there for me?


Like we could start all over and have a brand new family and get a young wife. Like, I understand that I go, but I wouldn't do that. She goes, well, what makes you different than them? And I said to her, Honey, I realize one day I'm going to be on my deathbed and I will be dying. And there is no person I want holding my hand more than you walking me into death and going, it's going to be OK.


I go, that's who I want. And she was like, Oh my God. She was like, you are so much deeper than I thought it would be. And I was like, well, I know that one day I'm going to be fucking dying and going like I'm scared and I'm freaked out and I go, I want you there.


I don't want some fucking 22 year old bimbo going.


I didn't get a log in for your bank accounts for some fucking dumb slut with fucking blonde hair going like, can you imagine looking at great tits when you're about to die and you're like, I'm leaving that for someone else with she's gonna have all my money and fuck anyone she wants.


Fuck that. Yeah, I want I want Lee-Anne being like. I'll never get married after you. You're my last one. Skeeter, Skeeter, Skeeter, hello.


Hey, how are you doing? I'm good. How are you?


I'm OK. Do you remember the night before our wedding? Do you remember anything special about the night before our wedding? Your mom teeth. What that was. No, no, no, no, no, I meant the actual night before our wedding when we all went to that restaurant at the rehearsal dinner. Yeah. Do you remember me and you ever going to a truck? No. All right, I love you. Talk to you later, Laurie.


What I tell you doesn't the thing I remember the most, I remember that. Is it possible that this was a dream that you made up? No, it's not a dream.


It's not a dream. How does she not remember that?


Who fucking knows? That's the way her brain works these days. It's just like functional. Get me through the day. Get it done. Her homework. It's fucking fun. Get a new wife, brother. I know. I mean, we never even talked about the vowel.


Wait till she sees the footage of you and Mr. Melati.


Then she'll remember she was there from when I was dating her. I was dating her when I did it with Mr. Isobella. Really. She was cool with it then. So I think she probably even more cool with it now. Probably back then it was like actual cheating, right, actually.


All right.


I remember going like I think I'm cheating on my girlfriend and they're like, you're fine. It's hard to cheat on your girlfriend. You have a full film crew here. And I was like, good girl.


I had a dream that I was a Navy SEAL.


Real quick, I dream I was a Navy SEAL last night. I told this to my tennis coach this morning and my job as a Navy SEAL. We're living a convention center, getting to the beach. Right. And very short when they said you're new. So your job is to kind of look out for sharks. And I'm like, OK, so I swam upside down, like back towards the ground, looking up at the sky, looking at all them swimming and kind of like perusing for sharks.


And at the last minute I saw shark and I was like, OK, but we were like waist deep water and we were kind of safe. I thought it would be cool if I killed the shark, stabbed it. I was like, I saved your life. Didn't need to know when I saved your life, but I did save your life. So I stabbed the shark. I'm in waist deep water and they're already on the beach. And I was like, yeah, you guys are fucking lucky.


You, me and I lifted the shark up over my head with the knife in the side of it. And they're like, oh, my God, you're an animal. I was like, what? And it was a dolphin.


I thought it was like, oh, my God, you got you gotta tell your therapist this.


This is a good bunch of crap anymore. No, no. This is a good episode.


Do you think you don't need therapy anymore? No, I'm done. What was the point where you realized you didn't need it anymore?


When I realized I was not being truthful to the therapist, to the therapist, because we were face timing and I was like, someone's going to record this and then play this and make and then everyone's going to watch told my therapist. And so I started lying because I was like, I'm going to tell the truth. Yeah. So I can always go into lie. Yeah. Because they made this all up. I've had the same fear. Oh, I'm terrified.


Yeah. It's you know, it's, it's so funny. I'm terrified that they're going to get my texts. So I don't I'm not honest in text. Yeah. I'm not honest in anything with social media. Like I keep everything at arm's distance. I go if they get my text I can be every type type in. We've done this before. If you type in a horrible word in your text, who comes up with was not a good.


That's definitely not good if you type in a horrible word, type in and I typed, I typed in.


I typed in a horrible word and look who types it the most. Yeah, I know so. But like, yeah, I'm not I am always cognizant that someone could be recording me.


Really? Oh, 100 percent. Like, go to the war. Sometimes I fantasize, like, this kid was being rude at a fish shop the other day. Yeah. And I was like, I was like I'm going to fucking smack this kid in the fucking side. Like I was like in my head. I was like I bet his parents would appreciate me smacking him inside of his head for the way that he's treating this old man. And then I looked around, I go, there's a camera right there.


All right, where is there not a camera work smack this kid. If I brought him over to the corner and then beat the fuck out of him by then, obviously didn't do anything. Yeah, but like, I'm very cognizant of being recorded, of being recorded.


I stop talking freely in between breaks on radio stations because I know they record them and they play that as the podcast. Yeah. And so I was like, I just fucking shut my mouth and try not to say anything. I'm honest with you guys. When we're in the like we're in the lobby. That's probably the most honest I am. Yeah. I watch the debates and I was dishonest with my reactions to certain things, like a couple of times with Trump fucking made me laugh hysterically.


Yeah. And I would pipe my lyrics, my nest cams on.


And I was like, if someone gets out of my nest camp and sees me spitting wind out of my nose, this fucking lunatic.


Yeah, they're going to be like, he's a fucking careful and careful man.


Trump I mean, rolling. That's paranoia, almost, man.


Well, you think about it. Alexa is all over the place. That's true. I guarantee you there.


And then remember that time that Amazon was like UPS when somebody's conversation was sent to them or some member, it was like recorded and sent. And they're like, oh, there's something in this thing that we didn't program right to it. Hmm. What if I found out? What if I said what? And who's to say they haven't put this in there? And by the way, why wouldn't they put this in there when you watch it, if you watch that Netflix documentary about social media.


Yeah. The social dilemmas, social dilemma. And then you start going the other humans that made this and the humans are also really brilliant. And they can put these little Easter eggs in there that you don't know about. Yes. What is the until the day that they walk into your house and they're like, are you guilty against crimes against Trump? And you're like, excuse me? And they're like, I just by the way, I just watched The Hunger Games, which is so paralleled into what's going on right now in our country.


It's insane.


Um, but where they go, Trump gets re-elected and he goes, that does it. I'm taking everyone to jail, go in and hit the Rolex and see if they've ever said anything negative about me. And they walk in and they're like, Abracadabra. And Alexa, like, I'm here. And you're like, what the fuck? And like Alexa, how many times he said something negative about the government, like one hundred and seventy times. And you're like, Alexa, the fuck are you doing?


And she's like, I'm on their team bird.


And that's our show today. By the way, and by the way, I'm talking political lately, and I hope I'm not trying not to. Thank you guys, for watching. Thank you for listening.


Don't forget to Bears' one cave live a double explosion, not replying about cocaine.


No, he's not cool with me saying that.


October 15th it'll be. Is it five p.m. Pacific? Yes, five p.m. Pacific.


Why it a virtual dotcom where it will be the day will be coming off the road just back from the road just to do this one podcast. And I'm excited.


And also good luck on Friday. We'll have fun playing tennis. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. And two days. All right. We'll see you guys soon. Back to you.


I love you. Love you, Burt. Tom, Tom. And one gobstoppers while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird snowmachine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call bagas. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humour, no apologies. Here's what we call so there's one case.