The store has moved, all the merch is now at store, why studios dotcom?

Maybe I'll start. Maybe, you know what maybe I'll do is I'll start. I'll find the Alex Jones of Fitness and have him on my maybe I am the Alex Jones of fitness.

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Yeah, I don't like McConaughey either. Hey guys, welcome to another episode of Two Bears.

One Cave. You're back. We had a couple episodes without you. I missed you dearly. I thought you were not well, but I'm glad to see you're back.

I'm glad I'm still part of the show. Yes, I thought I was going to lose it to Sickler. Oh, no, no. Who do you think. Who do you think did the best? Because I'll tell you, I feel like I feel like closest to this show is Bobby Leagues. I feel like me and Bobby have same kind of you both had the same personality disorder.

Yeah. Yeah. But Sickler everyone. I mean Sickler so great cycler. I got comments of like why the fuck is Bert even on this show.

But I was like wow. Well I guess you guys like your stepdad more now.

I mean he is no you know it's I think like, like you and I, he and I have great chemistry. He's an old friend. He's hilarious, man. He's got so many I fucking love. He's so funny. I can't wait to shoot a movie and I get to do almost Sickler. And everyone's like, well, that's the real thing.

I so I almost was going to be gone for not so I got a movie offer. OK, yeah. This is this, this is hilarious the way that they like. So it's during covid. Right. So there's all these precautions now.

So the movie offer was arrive to shoot the movie out out of state and we need you to arrive.

Your first day of shooting is November twenty eighth, which is two days after Thanksgiving. OK, and I go, OK, I go, can I drive like the twenty seventh. Yeah. So that I can have Thanksgiving with my family. And they were like no. So they go but you'll only we only need you until December 20th.

OK, so that's just under a month. All right. And I talked it over and we're like I think we should do it. So I was like, OK, I can do this. Another day goes by and they go, we need you to arrive. Actually November 21st, one week before you start shooting so you can quarantine. And everybody in the production is going to do that. And I go, OK, so I talked to Christina.

I was like, well, we'll bring the family out. You guys will. We'll stay there for, I'm guessing, no family.

No, no. They said it's OK. I'll go. You guys stay with me two weeks.

Then you go home and I'll finish out the movie next day. They go, I need you to 21st, but we also need to be able to keep you till January 8th. And I go, why? They said, well, it's a covid precaution that if someone tests positive during production and they need to halt production, they have to be able to keep you to to be able to finish the shoot. So I go, OK, so but will I they're like, you'll only be there that late if it goes over.

I'm like, so through Christmas and through New Year's. And they're like, possibly, but they're like, don't forget, nobody else wants to stay, you know, either they everybody wants to go home. So I'm like considering it.

And I'm like, well, let me talk to the producers and the director brothers. And then right before fifteen minutes before that call, they go, hey, the studio just called us and your arrival date now has to be November 16th. And I go for what? And they go they just want more of a buffer of quarantine. And I go, I'm out. You just turned like twelve days of shooting into a seven week commitment.

And I go, there's no way I can do that's crazy.

So I would have been here and it definitely would have been the Burton and show Jesus Christ, you know, Sickler by episode me in episode two, we just be like, Are you really tired from laughing at each other? And he'd be like, Yeah, we need to start talking.

Yeah.

You guys just going back and forth of your laughs so that is crazy. That is crazy. I know man. I've gotten to the quarantine thing is bullshit in my head. Yeah. Like I'm just like I'll take a couple times but like, like I've spent, I have spent a great deal and covid tests I bet like everyone. Last night, got home, nurse meets us at the front door, you know, and we and I quarantined for the four days on the ride home.

So like on the bus ride home from Chicago to here, we stop somewhere in Sedona. We stop places where we get our Airbnb and then we don't have we have zero contact. So we're kind of quarantined on our way home. Yeah, except Iran has to go to the bathroom and whatnot and and then and and then we get tested. But yeah, I think it's ridiculous that. I mean, when we did the big show for Go Big Show, Go Big show for TBS.

Go Big Show. That's the game show coming up in January.

And so you've done more during quarantine than anybody in the pandemic. I mean, you had a special come out. You had a Netflix series come out. You've done more live dates and you keep coming up and you have like four podcasts.

Yeah, I mean, really hustlin. I mean, you really have the only thing I haven't done is I've been really good with not drinking during the pandemic.

You have you have been or you know, I think if I live my life I did talk to you the other day and you're like, I'm pretty drunk.

Right.

I mean, the run of the store home, I was like, I'm pretty sure I got to ask you about this, because I've always said this and and I've I've known it to be true of hanging out with you countless times, drinking. And when you drink, I don't have any fucking clue that you've been drinking too much like me. Like I'm fucking hammered and I'm like, you are. And you're like, yeah, but drinking since, like, fucking eight o'clock this morning.

Can't tell on the live show you were sloshed like. Oh yeah. A mess. I do. No way.

Why was it so apparent you were drunk. I have no idea.

Oh I think I, I so I get anxiety.

Oddly enough when when people say I need to drink like I'm twenty first birthday initiation of Trinity, like weddings like like I get anxiety about it and I don't handle alcohol well in those moments because I feel like people are watching me.

So I drink more.

OK, but but normally I think normally when I do drink I actually don't drink as much as people think, but I do drink, I can drink throughout the day and not be hammered.

You so I was so drunk, I was so drunk.

I woke up, I woke up on the plane the next day and my arm hurt and I was like, why is my fucking arm hurt? And Andrew was like, you arm wrestled everyone at the studios. Everyone was like, No, I didn't.

And then all my only and you lost. I know to everyone. Lost to everyone.

My only recollection of that was Annie saying to me very confidently, like in a weird kind of energy going, we get done. And he just I don't know if this is accurate, but I remember him walking and going, I want to arm wrestle you.

And I was like, what he was. I beat you an arm wrestling. I could beat you right now. And I was like, OK, but like, I love that energy was like, fine. Yeah. And I remember him starting it and I couldn't figure out where his energy came from. Like, was I talking shit about arm wrestling or something. I was, by the way, so fucking stoned out of my mind.

My greatest moment, my greatest moment ever is when when he showed his when Owen Gray showed his cock the line you say directly. Well, people never see that now.

No, they can they can go to Reynolds Page. It's if you go to my website because it's off of the Y image virtual site, it's on a top secret dot com slash rentals and you can rent it.

That was the greatest. That was the greatest. I know it's been a while since we've put it since we've done it.

Yeah, maybe. Yeah. But that was one of the that was one of the times I woke up in Hollywood. This sounds so fucking silly.

I've got a handful of times and it all happened this past week, handful of times where I woke up and I said, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction. I feel like I belong in this business. I feel like I'm doing big things in this business for the first time. So often you see people like Sebastian, it's very, very quantifiable. When you sold out for shows at Madison Square Garden. Yeah, yeah. Bellbird eighteen shows at the Wilberg.

Yeah.

Those moments. And for me I sound silly, but it was like waking up and going. I don't I didn't I didn't know numbers at the time, I mean, you watch now, we do and we can both say it was more than we expected and we're very happy with that.

But I will keep going.

That was and it's I know it's just us looking at a dick at point times, but it was I that was legit entertainment like that was so funny.

That was like that was my movie premiere. Yeah. I woke up the next day going like, fuck. Yeah. And then couple by the cabin was successful that week. It was like the number one show and I was like, I was like, I literally was like at the top of the thing going like Cartman isn't that crazy.

Then they'll be like an article about you next month. It goes like overnight. Sounds like he just popped and you know, I've been doing this like 20 some years, man. You know what's interesting is. There's I hope I'm saying this right? There are two different types of success, like one is me and you. What we do for our fans, which is not it's not like commercially acceptable at times, right?

Yeah.

And then the cabin, which, by the way, also isn't commercially acceptable at times either is.

But but then all of a sudden that next day after after we did that, I started getting calls from like Maxim in GQ like, hey, do you want to do an article?

And I was like, this is how people get in trouble. Yeah, because I have two different faces in this business. I have this one which is like direct to like the people that want to come see us do live shows what we do for a living. Right. And then you have this other side of Hollywood. That's a totally different thing.

It's a totally different and I think it's actually like the line is growing larger between them where you go like. And I think the funny thing is that those mainstream, traditional, successful people are all the ones looking at us going like, how do you guys do this?

Like, I want to do the I want to not be, you know, bowing down to some corporate entity or some suit telling me that joke doesn't work, that you should say this. And like, you know, they're taking their orders from people, whereas we get to do what we want to do.

I started we talked about fat astronauts and I started writing the outline on my phone on the note section. I'm just beating it out. Yeah. And I wrote it for the people watching this write. I didn't write it for Hollywood. Yeah. Because I was like, Hollywood wouldn't get it, you know, come all over a spaceship, like. Yeah. Like they would just look at look at that.

I love that fucking poster and I love that whoever first suggested fat astronauts.

That's not astronauts. Astronauts, these are amazing. These men. Come on. So as I say, what does this say on the last one?

On the bottom. The one before it says, come on, NASA, don't be stingy, only these two. OK, all right. Oh, by the way, by the way, by the way, the one thing pointed out, everyone, the everyone that knows I have a hard time mispronouncing.

What is that? Christine Max. Christy Mack. Yeah, she is definitely getting a cameo. By the way, Christy Mack has an open offer.

What to do. I heard that wrong. Come on, fat astronauts. The movie. Yeah.

And train us. Um, I it was. It was. It's hilarious when it was funny to impress the next day, it was like because everyone, as soon as things were looking good for the cabin, everyone was like, hey, we want to get you on this one, get you on this. And then they're like, So tell us about the cabin. And I was like, hey, did you see me? And Tom had our dicks tethered together.

And they're like, Huh, on the cabin.

And I was like, no different project, but same energy, same energy. It's it, but I started writing the thing and I was writing it for like I was just coming up with ideas to send you the outline and then we can and like the the opening scene, I'm sure that we won't use this. But the opening scene was the premise of the movie. I was like, you know, they've sent these elite athletes up there into space.

And what they don't know is these elite athletes need to burn energy like a fucking golden retriever. They just in St. Bernard's up because that's who could really enjoy the space. Right. Like, if you ever live in an apartment, get a bullmastiff.

It doesn't want to go outside much. Yeah, so and so. I had this Zeynab of an astronaut trying to hang himself in space because it's so sad.

You see the note written in the news and he goes around his neck and he's like, oh that's great.

It's I volkan like say this so much but I love this podcast. I really do. It's so fun man. It's so much more of my personality. I remember doing morning radio. Do you remember when you do morning radio as a kid, as a younger comic and you'd get a cool one who let you do whatever you want. Yeah. Like Elliott in the morning had like President Steve where it was like you'd be like, are you doing great?

Well, they like they would be they they get how to how to have fun. Yeah. And they also here's the thing. They're engaged. That's the biggest thing about radio is like you go in to do radio a lot of times and it'll be like a guy who looks up, you're the comic and he's like, all right, we're back in 30.

And what was your name again? All right, I'll I'll just I'll toss it to you when we come back. And you're like, hey, man. Are like, are you just going to ask me anything? It's like I said, I'm going to say you're at this as you're at the funnybone.

So I'll just say that you do what you want to do and you're like, OK, dude, it's it's funny to me because I, I remember when you're older, like I remember doing Robers Morning Glory and they were like and that you could just go and you and you go, but I'm older. I appreciate like I appreciate that you're giving me that that that whip whip.

But but when you're younger and you don't deserve to be there and then and then if you got like I remember one time realizing that like Elliott in the morning, Elliott had had questions.

I didn't never realize that he had questions before.

I was I just was thinking, this guy fucking knows me. Right.

And then you realize that they they they they did the interview. They did the process to have questions ready to ask. When you started to go off the rails, they could bring you back and you're like, holy shit. That's and that's what this podcast is like for me. Except we don't I mean, it would be great if we had fucking their producers here not not saying the dog's not amazing, but like we like a content. You know, there's one guy that I am all over the fucking map today.

There's one guy who does a lot of he's a writer, I fucking forget his name, but he's he's got these really great insights on porn. Mm hmm. Like, he's written these amazing articles. He's losing his shit right now. He's written a few articles on me, and I think he's written an article on you. But his his specialty is like these subgenres of porn that maybe you don't know about. And then he writes about and then you're like, what way he writes about them and what in dammit, what's this fucking guy like in like magazines and stuff.

What does he write their own magazines.

Oh, this is really bothering me. He wrote an article, Hey, good luck.

He wrote an article about Spice the Spice Channel. Remember the Spice? Yeah, of course. See if you can find an article about Spice Channel. Um.

Oh, hang on. What who wrote it was his name. That's probably it. What's his name? Um, it just says by Digg Editor's. I would submit if you click on that, there's not a hyperlink to. If you say his name, I'll know it and I feel fucking bad for not remembering it. How the Spice Channel, he has his website. Michael Steele, Michael Steele, Michael Steele. OK, I'm almost certain it's Michael Steele.

It sounds like you're not convinced it's Michael Steele. They're not certain.

Let me check out Steet H. L Let me see if I can make that give you a Reddam. You know, it looks like there's a photo in there. I think that I'm almost certain that Michael Stoll let me see if I can maybe he has my text like a Steet HL. OK, yeah, it's Michael Steele, it is Michael Steele, OK, this guy is fucking awesome. OK, guys, awesome. Hold on. This guy is OK, he wrote this one about the Spice Channel.

Let me just call him. Let me just call him. Let's do it. Let's call him. This guy is awesome. And I said to him, I was like, man, I wish I had you for two hours, one cave, because the shit you're into is like, kind of bizarre.

Yeah, I noticed.

By the way, Michael, you're watching this going now, Michael. Hey, what's up, man? Is Perkasa you're telling me hey, you're on two bears, one cave live on podcast. Is that OK? We're recording it. Sure.

OK, so I was just telling Tom about I remember we had the conversation. I was like, God, I wish we had you as a producer for two beers, one cave, because your insights in porn are like your are so specific and bizarre. So can you pitch a couple of the articles you've written to Tom that are like, oh, you didn't know anything about that?

Well, I mean, the first one that comes to mind is the one that you said that you really love, which was the article I did on the plastics phenomenon. You remember that? Oh, yeah. What is that. What is that.

So plaster p l a s t stands for, what was it, a pussy legs ass. Give me some of it's plastic hands. I don't have a piece of paper in front of you. I can't, I can't plan at all. But anyway, it it's it's it's it's this last form where. Basically, almost all of them are like insanely hot women pose nude, but the gist is that they have to get at least four or five or six of these body parts into the frame.

So they come up with all different kinds of ways so that you can get, you know, that number in there like different poses. And a lot of the women have kind of taken that upon themselves, just like I like challenges these models who pose nudes, like all over Reddit, like for free.

That's not what you're doing is wrong here, that you're so bad at this. Yeah, we just type in Michael thall blast and see what comes up, you know, from Elle magazine, if that helps.

If you go to Mill Magazine, Dotcom, that's where that story was.

Male magazine dotcom. Yeah. Oh fuck. Yeah, keep going.

So there was there was that one. And then I mean the contest about or the piece about how far guys can reasonably shoot their loads, how far back.

See that this is content. I'm talking about Michael. There's like hang on, I'm going to ask you to call him. Hey Michael. Hey, how are you doing man?

Figure out. How are you. Nice. Nice to meet you, buddy. Nice to meet you too, man. So you did an article about how far most men can reasonably shoot their loads.

Yeah. So there's this Internet legend about this supposedly American man named Horst Schulze. Mm hmm. And supposedly Horst Schulze shot his load 18 feet, six inches. Come on.

Oh s so hold on. Hold on, hold on.

Hold it is not the executive chef from the Ritz Carlton. OK, Dobby's, pull up pictures of the executive chef at the Ritz Carlton.

We have this this program where we bring in like this special needs kid every week to Google things.

So he brought it. Yeah. And then he. Yeah. You're good at this. Um, yeah. OK, so Horst Schulz. And then where did you is he still with us. Is he alive.

This guy. Oh he does not exist. Oh he does not exist. It's a total Internet legend.

Got you. But we kind of I kind of discovered that story while researching for another piece and my editors at the magazine, which is kind of like we should look into this. You know, it's sort of like, all right. And it's completely unfounded. There's no like video or anything like that. But it just kind of raises the question of like, how far can we, like, actually shoot our loads? Yeah. And, you know, so I kind of interviewed a couple of people who are like, you know, they go on the Internet and they they post like these videos of themselves, like shooting their loads.

And there's different kinds of supplements that they try and take to, like, make their loads bigger, which could, you know, possibly make them shoot further all kinds of shit. And basically, I came to the conclusion that, like, tops like five or six feet. Yeah. Like the crazy like like you have to first. I don't like being shaped into being like physical condition.

You have to be probably in like your age prime and and train yourself to do this. And then even then like if you can shoot at five feet, that's like a lot.

I got to tell you something, you might you might need to write a new article because I do five feet pretty regularly. Really what it is is there doing my dick in my mouth.

Thumbsucker is defying all the laws of physics.

But I have noticed I have noticed that that distance has gone down with age. It used to be an automatic distance thing. And now sometimes it's very sad.

And it and I'm going to definitely check this out now. Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm going to measure it for sure.

No. And your dick like like literally like your penis muscles that you like, weakened from use, you know, over age. So that is like a legitimate reason why when you're older, you know, it's your muscles that help propel this stuff like you. Sure. Further, how about this? Like Michael intimately. When you get older, like you, you should not be like shooting as hard.

Well, we need a judge. We need a judge for our contest. Would you measure when we stand next to each other and jerk off?

Sure. We pass it back to Michael. I'm going to start a three way chat thread with me, you and Tom, and let's just talk to each other. Stuff we find interesting, OK? Yes, of course.

Absolutely. We were you just texting me a whole bunch. But no, I don't think I was like, oh, no, no, no. As you and I were talking about the phone, I was getting much text. No, no, no. Oh, no, no, no. You definitely weren't. Um, hey, have you written an article on quicksand yet? Quicksand porn, you don't know what it is. No, I feel like I'm stomping the expert.

No, but it sounds to me like I probably should check out quicksand porn and then check out a subculture in that called sinkers. There are people that Google out. They have maps of where great quicksand is, what makes your dickered build. But it's just can I tell you? And then. And then.

And then I want to know why it was back on time for a second.

All right. Here we go. Hey, buddy.

Yes. So here's another one. You can still hear me. Yeah. Yeah. So I also did a piece, I just thought, you find this interesting and maybe also relevant to you, I did a piece on small penis porn.

Mm hmm. I remember that one.

So basically, you know, it's like guys that, you know, and as it turns out, most of them are actually like average. I guess the guys that are important are just so massive, relatively, although they're not as big as you might think.

So, wait, you're saying that most most porn stars are actually average size?

Um, most porn stars are bigger than average, OK. Not as big as you think I got you. There are like there aren't guys like with legitimate 12 inch dicks. I mean, like exist I guess in the world. But that is like insanely big porn guys are actually like even as little as like seven. And they just use all kinds of like, you know, camera tricks and things like that to make it look even bigger. The girls are always very small.

Hey, why do you want to tell me that? But the but there's there's this subculture is this subgenre called small penis born. And this guy has a lot of them are like average size really. But even some of them are smaller. And a lot of it it gets into like humiliation porn.

So a lot of these guys that are like really small to three is that the article recognizes that really quick. At some point, you know, they were like maybe made fun of. Yes. You know, when they were like developing or something. And they actually like that, like, that's the thing that they need to, like, get off. Yeah. So there's tons of, like, small penis. I got it.

I got to tell you, like, I'm cool. I like all types of jokes. Humiliation, like sex stuff doesn't work for me. Like it does not get me up.

But I'm I'm fascinated to read this article and to learn about, oh, I'll send you a link to just all the stuff that I've done for this, like one particular website. Yeah. Any other thing. Because that's where a lot of my find this one place male magazine is where a lot of my real fun stuff goes. But I've done some other stuff too that I'll send.

Yeah, it'll be awesome. He's a great writer. I know. It'd be great. I'd love to read it. Thank you, Michael. I appreciate it. I'm going to start a chat thread between me, you and Tom.

Yeah, no, of course. And Bert, I actually before I let you go, I just, you know, I know you so you're so busy and stuff like that. But two things. One, just really been enjoying the cabin so far. I'm I'm a couple episodes and really, really enjoying it. I try to get some get to do some coverage for all of it, but it didn't work out well. I'd interview you again. So I just wanted to tell you.

Congrats on that, man. Oh, thank you, brother. Thank you. Automatical. He's an interesting fucking guy. Yeah, he is. The other day when we were at the Rose Bowl, Christina, Prozanski, Tom's wife, Christina, said to me, it's so funny, you still have hair.

What have you been doing? And I said, it's so funny. Did you know, Christina, that 66 percent of men start losing their hair by the age of 35? Said, I didn't know that. I said sometimes they turn to weird solutions like snake oil pills or gas station remedies. And she said, What did you do? I said, well, I back in the day, I had to wait in a long doctor's line and talk to a doctor who was really awkward.

But you don't have to do that anymore. She was like, no way. I said, well, yeah, now we have forums, dot com. It's one stop shopping for hair loss, skin care, sexual wellness, all for men. And I said it's time for a lot of guys to write new chapters in their lives. It's great.

All you got to do is talk to a doctor, answer a few quick questions, a medical professional through them, review them and determine if it's right for you. And if so, they can prescribe medication that will treat your hair loss and ship it directly to your door. And she said there's got to be some sort of savings if I'm a listener. I said, as a matter of fact, you know, there is today Hem's is giving you their best offer yet.

And if you're not happy with the results after 90 days, hymns will give you a full refund. And right now our listeners can get their first visit absolutely free. Go to forums, dot com slash beyer's. That's forams dot com slash bears. Disclaimer full refund per the full refund of the price paid available for the first 50 days. Supplies refund requests must be made between 90 and 180 days after product shipping delivered. Prescription products require an online consultation with the medical professional who will determine prescriptions, appropriate restrictions apply to see website details and important safety information.

I said to her before I gave her a hug and say goodbye. I said, Remember Christina? That's forums. Dot com slash bears support for two bears.

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Hey, I don't really want to see pictures of this is really cool. Do you know that by the way, I did press, I don't know, a week or so ago and because I think this is our artwork for the show behind you and the cabins official artwork. Is you in there? Yeah. So whoever I was doing press with was like, congratulations on everything. And I was like, cool. And they're like, let's talk about the cabin.

And I go, oh, OK. And then I was like, yeah, I did this thing. And they're like, yeah, but like, let's talk about like the rest of the episodes. And I was like, well, I'm not in them. And they were like, what do you mean? Well and I go, the cabin is Brcko. Then they go, it's burnt, it's you. And I go, No, no, I'm in one episode.

Yeah. And they go, I thought it was you guys together.

And I was like, I think you're just confusing the two artwork's I saw the post, the billboard on Hollywood, whatever. And I was like I first I thought I was a two Bears, one cave logo. And then I was like, oh, I was like, not bad cross promotion, Netflix.

They know what the fuck they're doing. Yeah, I wouldn't mind them just putting you on it and you getting a lot more views.

It was fun.

It was fun though. But it's funny that they do, they're like, oh it's your show. Yeah. Yeah, it's interesting. Netflix is can you find Plass pictures or no.

I mean, I wish, please, so we are sure we are going to get a new Google. I hope you know that you can.

OK, so like that girl right there, the second photo. Yeah, that's clearly what he's talking about right now. That's plastic porn, but it looks like she's doing everything he said.

Everything in the plasty is the go to read it, go to read it and find the pictures on Reddick's. I think it's like a but it's the next level.

The thing I was going to say while we wait half an hour to get these pictures. Yeah. Is you forget we forget how good the people at Netflix are because they're so, like, kind of let you do what you want to do. Yeah, they're great. Totally forget how fucking talented they are.

Like like like I forget what. But. All the things you start thinking, they're your ideas, then you're like, that was, I think, Netflix, I remember like there's a million of those that happen with the cabin. The our executive, Ben Cavey, fucking was like, that's what it is, is to tease.

Yeah. Yeah. As toenails. It's yes, that's what it is.

He he was great for the cabin. It was I mean he drove that show but then you forget bankability and um. But you forget like. You got to get toenails in two, by the way, I hate that I'm talking about Netflix while we're looking at this because now but yeah, I just wanna say thanks to everyone at Netflix.

I just want to say thanks to all the marketing teams. You guys murdered it, man. CaBi murdered it. We're going to pivot. We're going to pivot to this. Holy shit. Way to go. Netflix. You guys murdered it, by the way, this is a great live pussy legs as Turnell tits.

That's what it is. Pussy ass, legs, toenails and tits. Yeah. OK, I'm in. Oh, this is brilliant. This is great. This is what the Internet's made for. Yeah. Pussy ass legs, toenails and tits. My whole energy just changed.

Looks a little better, but like it's like they're having fun. Oh, she's having a great time. She's like toenails painted on with white out.

Yeah, that girl didn't do it right. She didn't do it right. You right. Keep going. You got to bend your toenails, bend your toenails. There you go. OK, there you go. Oh, I like her.

I like her Santa Claus my first time revealing my smile and read it. Hope you like this package.

Jesus, it's so crazy to put your asshole, like, on anything.

Be like, here's my asshole. Jesus Christ.

But by the way, I'm into it. I like it. I like that. It's a new a new search thing I've never typed. So awesome.

I love this. I love that someone was like, I'm going to shit my jizz 18 feet after.

I'm curious to see how this started. Can you find information on this at the beginning? You know who you're fucking asking right now.

I believe in you. I can I can I tell you that I love that that woman does not look stereotypically. When you think of this genre, you think this is a an Internet subculture like like almost like a 4chan type of like weird thing. What is past porn? This is definitely his article. This. Yeah. This is my Michael Stall's article. Um, only fans account when he begins.

He said it like I think he's saying that it started recently. Right. Is that what he's saying. Yeah.

Yeah. OK, we'll see. Oh, oh, pussy legs, ass smile, Tony.

Oh, so you got to be smiling and smiling. That's why we like it. That's right. Because like it usually they want to be like, oh, I got to pay my rent all the time.

When they smile, you get the illusion that they're enjoying themselves.

Let's come on. That's fodder for our fans. For our fans. Yeah. So it's it's balls. No dick. Like just balls. Toenails.

No, you don't want to see all these guys toenails. What are you talking about. By the way, I am really into fucked up toenails like really into fucked up toenails. What do you mean. Like like like by the way this is a subgenre I'm into ultra type an ultramarathon. I disgusting toenails by the way. I'm also into that. I'm also into that. I'm also into that.

I could watch toenail removals all day long like oh have you ever seen my feet are killing me.

I couldn't, I couldn't um.

Type in ultramarathon. Yeah. Oh, my God. But either commerce these. What would be our what would be our thing that you'd want to see, guys, let's see, let's do something where they can be in Speedos so we're not so we can share them on our show.

So how about underwear? OK, underwear, make it so they have a hard time getting everything into the picture. Right, exactly. Underwear. Underwear behind the ear. OK. Behind the ear, armpits, armpits. It's got to have a cool name. Oh, it already does. Beep. Armpits curious, like the look on their faces, look, what's the scared, scared, scared.

So, you know, scared would be first. So, Sudeep, so scared.

Underwear behind your armpits.

Yes. Scooby, Scooby, Scooby. Yep. That's ours, guys. It's the sub challenge. So scared underwear behind the ear armpit. Can you get behind the ear and just kind of get it like this?

I want you to tell them and figure it out.

OK, Scooby, I want to be jackin after that.

But thanks for this, by the way, for guys and girls. Oh yeah. That's for guys and girls. If you want to do one or you can just tell your lady to send the plast pictures in.

Yeah.

That's so interesting that that to is one caveat. Gmail dot com. Yeah. If you have, if by the way if you're, if you and your check. Um we'll do. Past where you're in the mirror taking the picture. Oh, my glasses plast I yeah.

If you want to ask your lady to send a picture of her pussy and her toenails it in, there was a girl Yoshie one time sent me a he sends wild shit.

He goes he was like, hey, I know you're into promotion for the your special and your tour dates.

Did he say it like that. Because it doesn't sound like it's always I thought he was like was like I might as good talking to you, you know, but he had a new special carpet.

I have it. I bet I have it.

Hey, Burt, let's see if I got it. This is the way we like to watch a girl drown like you, jackhole.

You're like, do you have that? He's like, I have a couple of underground videos.

Well, that's not it, Yoshie, I don't have the I don't have the goddamn he sent me, um, uh, a log in. From a major adult producer. Oh, really? Yeah, you know, she's like this guy said to Senator you. Oh yeah he does. He said, I know you have whatever whatever he's going to say. The words he was like he was like, I know this might help with your promotion of your special.

And I'm like, oh, cool. I think it was the machine. You just come out. Mm hmm. Maybe it's your timing and it was this girl and you could tell, like, he hadn't, like, filmed it. Right. Like it was like he had recorded and sat and go, you know, so she's like caught like she's like, hey, yeah.

She's totally naked. She's like, hey, I'll tell you one thing.

I start saving herself just like I love. And then she pulls a fucking piece of paper out of her position, goes, oh yeah.

I, you know, sending that he was having people do those for a minute. They were like us, they were like pulling them out of their asses.

And then it'll be like the name of your spouse is disgraceful.

And you're like, I got it.

I got a person pulls one out. She's like the new season of Arrested Development.

All of a sudden the bad guy pulls out another one. That's a nice no.

He told me one time he goes, blowjobs are like handshake's in the porn industry. So, like, sometimes you can meet somebody and they'll just give you a blowjob. I was like, they'll just blow. He's like, it's like a hello.

I'm like, hello? He's like, Yeah, everybody does blowjobs.

He we did, we did. Chicago shamberg one time and he shows up and I'm, I know him and I was and they were like, yeah she's like, can I go. Yes. But I was like yeah sure. So I'm selling my DVDs at. And he said, you know, I have a bunch of extra DVDs in my trunk. Do you want if you want to give them to me, you can give them away with your with your DVD.

Well it was such a bad idea. Yeah. It was the most aggressive. Yeah. Fisting porn. Yeah. Yeah. And so we're I'm like, hey guys. So here's the deal. If you buy one of my CDs, you get a bonus, you get a DVD from Mioshi The For Free and I fucking sold.

I remember, I remember sitting down and going, I just made a thousand. I sold out of all my CDs or DVDs or whatever I was selling. I sold out of every single one of them. And Tony Bellino goes, well fuck, let's put one of Yoshio's DVD in the in the bar television, see what you just gave everybody. And it opens with a girl fisting the girl's asshole. And Tony is crying.

He goes, You just gave that to everyone. They're going to think of that and you're together.

And I was like, Yeah, yeah. He's the funny thing is like he's such like this derelict paper. He's the sweetest guy. The whole party is the sweetest guy, the hardest I've ever laughed. Is him on your podcast when there's a long time ago I was in on a treadmill at some Fairmount and or someplace and him on your podcast when he talked about getting dosed by Joey.

Oh his his to Yoshi's to super dose stories are two.

What's the other one did. So he first he tells the banana bread.

Sorry, hang on. Does everyone know Yoshi. Maybe we should explain who Yoshi is. Yoshie Obayashi. He's a comedian, a comedian and he worked in the adult industry for a long time and is connected to everybody there and also you know has a lot of comedy friends.

Very, very dark comedian. Yeah. Yeah. Like when you go like what's dark. But they talk about Brian Holtzmann, you know, she like those guys like really dark and and also Korean grew up in Japan and didn't know he was ethnically Korean, like grew up being like, if there's one thing I hate, it's Koreans.

And then he's like, oh, I'm Korean because he he he's got a wild story. And he's got if you if you he's got a list of wild stuff.

Oh my God. And like his upbringing story and everything with his mom and his dad, he told them in detail, like on early episodes of your mom's house. But he he is legit. Like he's hilarious.

So his banana bread story is that he basically, Joey Diaz, used to go and get like twenty five hundred mg loafs of banana bread. Like this is the shit that Joey who, you know, would have a piece up and he I'm right.

And and that was just things like give it away to people. And he'd be like he would even warn people like he to break that shit up, dawg.

Well, he's doing brand improv. The banana bread is sliced in the green room. Yoshi goes in, he's like, oh, I like banana bread. And then if I remember correctly, he said, Oh, how pleasant.

I have not eaten dinner yet. Yeah, I know I've not eating dinner yet.

He said that Diaz walks in, sees and he goes dog. It's like, did you eat? He goes, Yeah, he goes, how much do you eat? He goes for slices and he's like, Oh, you're so fucked tonight. So she goes, well, is there something in that? And then goes on stage. On stage and starts floating.

Mm hmm. He said, I thought I couldn't feel my leg after a while.

And then the best was you said you go, well, what did you do after that? And he said, I went to the parking garage and I just sat in my car. And you said for how long? He said, eight hours.

He so he he he went from he got in his car and he said he started to drive back to L.A. from Brayer.

So for people I don't know, that's about a 60 mile drive. And he said he was pulling over every two or three hundred yards.

So he was driving down the freeway and then he would pull over and he'd be like, how far did I go?

And he just went he got got a jack in the box driving.

Yes. Because he couldn't find the window. He kept circling it and couldn't find the window. What's his other Dosso?

Well, also on that drive. So he he drove around, he said the jack in the box. You're like, what are you doing? He's like trying to find where to to pay for the food.

They're like, you're driving around the outside of it.

You've got to pull in the drive through Lane and Joey Davis, he was hungry like a shark just circling.

And he he said Diaz called him at 6:00 in the morning and was like, how are you doing? He's like, I'm still on the side of the road.

And he said, Diaz just laughed. And his other story was that he was visiting his friend.

He's visiting his friend. You can and by the way, he says it like straight face, no emotion. And he's not performing. He's just like I was visiting my friend and my eyes were irritated. So I went like to my friends things took devising, poured in here, poured in here and started to feel funny. And I called my friend and he said, Oh, yeah, that's LSD in that.

So he he just poured LSD into his eyes and he said it fucked him up for days because, you know, you don't if you're doing LSD, you do a drop.

Yeah. You know, when you're cleaning your eyes out like three, four, five, six, I'm going to do one more round to both eyes. Yeah. Yeah.

So he said he said he was completely out of his mind. I mean freaked the fuck out.

He's got he's got stories. He's an example of like when people talk about and but like when people talk about what was podcasting, what it used to be like, and people would just go on and say anything. Yeah, he's got those stories. I remember him telling stories like that on my podcast where I was like. And then you just got on a plane and left, you know, a story that is right. Yeah.

And he I think he admitted to killing somebody.

I mean, though he he told me that story and I was like. Do you have a warrant like out for you and he's like, I don't think I can go back there.

He that was those were the guests like you got I think me and you were those guest, too, is like when we were young, we just go on a podcast, just fuckin wild gunning it just you won't like because you knew what was successful in podcasting.

We were just I would I remember leaving Grogan's and not knowing what I had said.

That happened up until I hated getting too high on his show or early days because I would just panic. Yeah. And then I'd be like, dude, I'm just like a nervous wreck on the. Yeah. I need to like I can drink on your show. I feel like or smoke at the end. I remember one time getting so high on this show that I couldn't tell if I was listening to his show or if I was on his show.

Yeah, because I listened to it so much, I was like, this is this is really fucking me up.

I used to I should also tell him, like, hey, man, like, he would go, what do you got to go.

I go, what. We've been talking for two hours.

Who do you talk to. I don't talk to anybody for two hours. So like aren't we done. We like we can go longer. I was like, but what are we going to talk about. We talked about everything.

I feel like it's weird. I like doing Rogan now because it's gotten to be such a like like a cultural it's so different than it was not bad or good.

I'm not shitting on it, but it's just like it's so different now. We're it's like, yeah. Kanye West, Matthew McConaughey, fucking Tim Dylan and Al and Alex. Yeah.

Well it's funny because I, I told him I go, what's weird is that like you're you know, I've known them now for, you know, fourteen years or something.

And I'm like, you know, from the from starting the podcast and I go, it's so weird that I open my phone and regularly your name is trending and it's because like you gave an opinion on something like something that you've said for years, but now it's trending and and I go it's just like it is really this strange study of kind of fame and media and culture.

But I'm like, you've been saying this thing for ten years. I've had I've heard you say and then now you said it this week and 50000 people are discussing that. You said this this week.

It really is crazy. It like it really is bizarre.

Like the really kind of like like you you see that and you're like, I don't know how appealing that is, that like everything I would it's it's so what's also a little weird is it's so not Joe.

Like Joe doesn't care about fame or any of the stuff he does a really good job of not engaging disconnect.

Yes. He's like that's the thing that people are saying and doing about me. But I'm here doing this. And then he's like, yeah, I hang out with my family and I'm working out. I do my podcast. And like all this commentary is like a separate thing to push it off to the side.

I mean, the Alex Jones episode on its own, like it was so like I've never really listened Alex Jones on his podcast, not only because I don't really know about any of that shit. I'm not afraid if I learn a little bit about it. By the way, you don't need to.

Yeah, like these nonsense.

Like, I'm not a I'm not a big I'm not a big. You don't think that there's gay frogs that the CIA planted in the fucking water system?

That's not something really that he says, OK, look it up.

Are you being serious? He says I mean, I guess it just depends if you want to look at him as like an entertainer or, you know, you know, he's younger than me.

Really. How old is Alex Jones?

I mean, he looks like he's like. Yeah, he's younger than me. Yeah, that's weird, that's so odd, I would think. God, he did I think of him as like 10 or 15 years older, older than me.

Like I tell you what, I his enthusiasm about stuff seems to be infectious.

Mm hmm.

But he was doing he's like he's like, yeah, I've never gotten into any of like I remember a lot of people that really, like, really get excited about.

I think I have to imagine it's because they feel like, you know, it's fun that somebody is pushing buttons this hard, pushing against the establishment.

Yeah. I mean, making these outrageous claims.

I mean, I remember. I remember I think Stanhope sent me and this just speaks to like my interests is like you sent me, I think something maybe that Alex Jones, Eddie Bravo, Stan Brogan were all interested in. That's like Tower nine or something like the World Trade Center.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They love this. And I just had no interest in that. I was because I can't I can't even and I know that this is going to offend people. They'll be like because you're fucking like lose your shit. I can't even entertain the idea that our government will blow up the Twin Towers and ship plane fulls of people to Cuba and then have them restart. Well, I just think that's so fucking ridiculous that I go that's not real.

The fact that the pizza gate I just heard what pizza it was, the fact that they pushed that pretty hard.

A guy went in with a with an assault rifle. Yeah. Like the idea that there are people at the Sandy Hook thing was cool. What do you do with Sandy Hook?

Oh, he said that they were all actors and he basically harassed the parents of murdered children for a number of years. But, you know, he's a cool guy. I'm not yeah, I let's just say that stuff isn't my interest, like I know that Tim Dillons into the conspiracy. Yeah, yeah.

And I'm cool with you being into it and I'm cool with hearing it and getting drunk and high on a tour bus and listening to someone talk about crazy ideas and then just in the media writing them off and go in the other world doesn't work like that. Yeah but yeah I. Maybe I'll start maybe, you know, what maybe I'll do is I'll start, I'll find the Alex Jones of Fitness and have him on my arm.

Maybe I am the Alex Jones of fitness. God, did you have a breakthrough? I am the Alex Jones of fitness, I am the fucking I just realized. As we know so far, as frustrated as Joe gets with me about my fitness talk, yeah, I am the Aleksi because in a way he almost talks to you like he would talk to Alex Jones is like, hold on a second.

Hold on a second. We need to check this out. You can't you can't get on a treadmill with a box of wine and run seven miles.

So you got your we know that we know that your serve is impressive. I saw your golf swing every now and then.

I'm right about Jeffrey Epstein. Right. Like, I've got a great serve. I got a great serve. I can win every now and then.

Yes, you have. Oh, fuck me.

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Yes, you have your your serve, your golf swing, golf swing is, by the way, above to our average. You see that video pulled up? Well, let's see it real quick. We could just see a real quick because because this started a buzz in our comedy community where we are setting up a Ryder Cup event. It is going down. And I'm telling you, I've already got no not no go to my Instagram. It's on my Instagram.

I'm sorry. The job I should have given you better direction. I have videotape my golf swing a lot.

By the way, Anderson, Tina, who claims he's a good golfer, has never videotaped his golf swing. Oh, little Alex Jones there, huh? That's me just fucking hitting a perfect shot from here. Yeah. Volume.

Volume. Let's go. You got to beat them. By the way, this is over at PSG.

Where's that?

This is in Scott in Arizona.

And so they have like this in this. Is tomorrow OK? Yeah, he's flying about four hours. Really? I mean, seven ninety six miles per hour, which is huge. That's massive losses.

Oh, that's fucking beautiful. I bet that was it was. It was three. One thirty two. Show me one eighty six.

One eighty six of the seven iron that was in it. Oh I don't know. I carried 186. You got what. You got clubs there. I got fitted for clubs. It's really amazing.

And so what did Andrew Santino say santeros like. You know, I couldn't I couldn't tell, and he's so biting when he when he slams you. Oh yeah. I couldn't tell if he was like he didn't know that they were talking about me because he was like fucking all this trash talk about fucking fitted clubs or whatever. I would love he I think he plays too. And he was like, I'll show you what a real golfer looks like or something to that effect.

And then I was like, oh, I have no problem spending a lot of money on a bet at all. Yeah. And by the way, I'm certain that anyone that I am not the type of person like Andrew, Andrew is not going to talk shit unless he can back it up.

He is not a fucking the Alex Jones of fitness. And so I, I hate that.

I hate that. I just realized that about myself. Yeah.

But I like it. I like it. I'm going by the way. I am. So we're going to do one on one basketball soon. Oh yeah. Go ahead and take my shot. Yeah I saw it.

Beautiful, beautiful form. Right. You a form of this problem at the top is at the top. Yeah, I don't don't play the sound, though. You don't play sound just beautiful. We were at the now center and it was that Chicago. That's in Chicago.

Yeah. Where was the show inside. Look at this.

Just how many times do you think I took this shot before we got 15.

Six was a show inside. No, that was. Oh but we got to use their look at my leggings. So what what's your weight. I want to know your because. Because you're the Alex Jones of fitness. Yeah. What's your basketball thoughts on yourself?

I play really good and I actually have some pretty sincere insights on my basketball. I think I don't like confrontation, so I don't like going hard in the paint. So I pretty much play everything from the outside. OK, try to get close to I can and and but you feel good about your handling.

You're shooting, you know.

No, I have a basketball that's traveling everywhere with me right now and I'm working on my ball handling because I got a shout out from Tristan Jass, Charlotte Tristan Jast from from one. How's your shot look? Pretty beautiful.

Every waveform you've got waveform except for the fact I usually wear a hat and kind of fucks up. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, let's talk about your scene. You'll undersell your skills in basketball.

Well, I'll be honest, I have not shot a basketball in so long that I can't remember. And that's not a lie. So that's the truth. I used to play pretty fair amount of basketball recreationally, but it's been a long, long time.

Uh, Snoop had when we were shooting the game show, had a basketball court set up outside his trailer. He never used it. I mean, I think he probably used it probably in the mornings. Yeah. When I was sleeping. And so I used to get out there in between and just shoot free throws because you know, who can play basketball.

Oh, my God, we should do two or two and we got to pick a chick who's a good Whitney fucking. Come on. Come on. Did you play Whitney Cummings is an actually amazing basketball player.

She just messaged us. Hey, are you guys calling me on your show? Because I don't get the call is color light.

Chop it up with this chick, by the way. I'm about to piss her off, too. I watch that Nexium thing. Yeah. She was very closely attached to, I guess, the I don't know, I just I that. Did you see you didn't never saw the val did you know.

You know, it's hard to it's hard for me to swallow because everyone that this documentary is about and I know oh I know that I'm fucking opening up a can of worms about not believing women or whatever, but never mind. You know what, I'm not going to say a fucking word.

I'm not going to say a fucking word because it was like human trafficking. So there's like like I'm not saying, by the way, now I need to say something like Bird doesn't believe that they were. They did. I think what the guys at next game did was horrible. But I never mind. I'm fucking out of this. I'm not saying a fucking word. Remember, I didn't say anything about this. So if I get fucking canceled for it.

Whitney Cummings, answer your fucking phone. Are you guys calling me or just text me why, yeah, why would you call me? Answer your fucking phone with me. Why is he did not answer phone? You know, that's just intimacy issues and this fucking mothers are wrong. See, it's so annoyed. It's standard text.

I will. Well. Hey, Whitney, it's Bert and Tom, we want to call you fucking God, it.

This is why I hate hey, what are you trying to call you for our podcast? I want to talk to you about your basketball skills and Nexium, not the heartburn medicine, but the. So she was involved with that. She had one of the women on the fucking head, woman that started this kind of like come after the call, she had her on her podcast after they take tennis due to one hundred thirty six years this guy started.

I'll give you a I'm going to give you ready. This is the one minute. Give me a timer on the clock. This is the one minute breakdown.

Whitney Cummings, here we go. Hold on.

Whitney Cummings calling us back on the podcast. Whitney. Oh, wait. Oh, my God. That was a pocket dial. Shut up, you fucking asshole.

You know, it's amazing. So you were calling me and I sent you the voicemail and then I went, oh, wait, he might be on to Barron's one cave. And so I called you back. I will call you back. This is live.

We got you. Got you. Still rolling. We're rolling. We're rolling.

We're rolling. We have two things we want.

This is this is on your mom's house network. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, OK.

If it if the audio cuts out or I'm hanging up. OK, ok.

So so number one, we were talking. Meantime we're talking about basketball. We're doing a one on one competition. And I said, by the way, you know who's fucking awesome at basketball. Guess what name. I said Whitney. Is this your what is this big? It's not a bit I thought I was trying to compliment you. Yes, you said me. I know. So are the lead. Are you a really good basketball player? I it's weird to say because no one's going to believe me.

No one believes in what I say. This and it was it's so unbelievable that I actually did an episode about it on my critically acclaimed network sitcom, Whitney. Mm hmm.

Well, I saw that. Who else was in that crystal? It was not American. America's sweetheart. Cécilia.

OK, keep going. Keep going. I regret not saying I regret nothing. Incredibly talented. OK, go and keep going. Would have done the same thing again. Don't cut this out. Don't you dare. Don't you dare cut this out. And we did an episode about me telling my boyfriend character in the show, Krista, which is fiction because I was twenty five at the time. I was way too old for him. So it was obviously a real life for us.

But it was. So unbelievable in real life that we made a show about him not believing me, and then we play one on one and then I almost passed out, I kicked his ass in the show, but also has no real life. And this is before I had to tweet and then cut 15 years later, me tweeting about him. It's. We got it. I'm good at basketball. OK, so did you play high school or college ball?

I played high school and then I played 82. Are you guys from. Yeah. Yeah, I'm definitely familiar with you. Yes. Yes.

I play you in Virginia, which is not a game. Virginia doesn't suck. No, they don't. Basketball. No, it's kind of like their religion. Yeah. And then I played in your role here. Well, I really. Yeah. Germany, Austria, Hungary. I told you, she's good. I'm not even joking. It's like a pre Olympic team. But here's the problem, guys. I am quite so high. We are limited at how good at basketball I am.

So the more the better I got, the worse I got in the way because I started getting more and more competitive teams. I was the only white girl. Yeah. So when I got to that level, I didn't really get to play much.

I want us and we want to I want to strap it up with you. We got it. We got to go to the courts.

OK, but by the time I was in Europe, I was the minority higher. It's all good. You ready for this. You ready for this, Tom? We have to get away from the team. So I would just watch them. But he wouldn't be.

We are we'd like to film Tom and I playing one on one and we need a commentator. And we were wondering maybe we could do it at your house and you'd be our commentator. Yeah, I would love that.

Is this is this whole thing just for your wives to make sure that you never cheat on them?

Yeah, that's basically it. Yeah. Yeah. That's like everyone's vaginas are going to dry up when you guys play basketball.

All that's going to be our long line for the episode. Ladies, no need to wear panties today is like LeAnn and Christina.

Is this part of their master plan to make sure that no women ever want to.

Wait, wait, wait, Winnie, how do you know that there's not going to be slopping wet pussies when they see how good we are? The.

I mean, if they have a fistula from a previous childbirth, maybe, but I don't think it's going to be like PrepCom, if that's your question.

I think you're going to eat your words when you see us chop it up out there. Awesome. It was great talking to Whitney. Thank you for answering, Whitney. All right. I love you. I love you, too, Whitney, by. Let's recap. Let's recap. Let's recap. By the way, have you know have you been to the house? No, it is.

It is. Residual money, did you did you go to one of the shows there? I haven't even been. I've been to her house twice, three times, and I have never seen all of it, really.

It is awesome. Like I remember I remember we were looking at houses.

So I was in the mood. We were looking at houses to buy houses. And, you know, obviously what we were looking at, what cost money. But, you know, there was always you would always let down a little bit when I should get more for that.

Yeah.

I went to Whitney's house and I was like, oh, this is the house where you go, oh, this is exactly what you'd think you'd pay for what I wanted, but it's always ten times more. And then she was like, I think I want to buy the house next door. I said, Why? Because I don't like having neighbors.

I'm like, Oh yeah, that is you forget she created two broke girls. That is a fucking hit zip code. Created it. Yeah, yeah. Whatever. No, no.

I'm making the distinction because it was with the uh she did it with the guy that that created Sex in the City overall. Yeah. That's who she co created it with.

I think she went and pitched the idea and he was like I like it, let's do it together.

I, I thought it was that he wanted to bring her in, see Michael Patrick King and Whitney. Yeah.

By the way, I almost passed out. Did you see that? Was that real. Yeah, I almost passed out. I did you walk by a horse before you got here? No, but but that thing about that Nexium thing.

Yeah, that's what. Wait, what do you think you said conj and asked and what was that all about.

Oh Kanye.

Jennifer Aniston lit up Kanye wear on line was pulled up. Yeah. Jennifer Aniston. Kanye.

She was like, just, you know, it's not funny to vote for Kanye and then Kanye Roback just, you know, friends was never funny and that and so Jennifer, she's so beautiful.

Yeah, I'd like to see a picture. A, that's a come on and you know where the retied sub Reddit is. Come on, let's do it. OK, voltage, I was just oh, I dropped my ballot off this where we overarcing Jennifer Aniston.

Well, I suppose what she says here, I urge you to consider the whole thing. It's not funny. Vote for Kanye. I don't know how to say it. Please be responsible.

OK, and then Kanye wrote that he commented in there. He did know. He just said in his thing.

Yeah, friends is never funny, by the way. He's wrong. Friends was fucking hilarious.

Um, let's see. I took to Twitter, OK, and is that all he wrote you scroll down. I should and you don't see it, it's it's going to be a clip. I'm sure it's a screen grab of his Twitter. OK, well, anyway, um, by the way, there's a couple other challenge ideas that people have posted sent us, if you want to hear them, you and me. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we're going to do one on one basketball.

We know that, um, we're going to. OK, so this is what people throw at us. A spelling contest.

Who. This next one you're going to like, OK, hot dog eating contest, I could do that easy three gun competition, three one three gun shots that I don't know, three gun competition.

Type it in. It's got to be a challenge.

I just sneezed and walked all over. But if I had this nagging cough and having a cough during covid is like having a hard dickinsonia going, I've got it.

So rifles, shotguns and pistols I guess is what it is. Yeah.

OK, I like that. I by the way, I'm a spiritual almost shot.

You are an amazing shot. I'm an amazing shot. I told you I'm amazing. I'm amazing. I'm amazing. And I think it throws people for a loop, you know, and you can call Joe Rogan and ask him about. So I took Joe skeet shooting one time. Yeah. And I just I just was. And by the way, I know Joe was going to be like, actually, I don't remember any of this, Bert, but I was skeet skeet skeet shooting it all.

Yeah.

I was like chess. I think that'll be a fun challenge, but I just is not I don't even know how to play chess. Oh, I know you'd love this one. Holding breath underwater challenge.

I can I by the way, I can hold my breath for a minute. 45, OK. This next one, I feel like you have an advantage in beer pong. Oh, wow, Tom, that actually is a great idea because I don't have an advantage in beer pong, but I think I could I think you can connect with the elements pretty well.

Yeah, I think. Yeah. Oh, and then tracked at Laguna.

Tracked at Lagunas. Be fucking great and will be what should we do. A straight up decathlon or a track day is driving a car racetrack.

I thought we were running. Yeah. Check day, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm pretty superior in motorsports, no, and I'll tell you why I think I have more experience than you do. Well, you're a few years older than me. No, no, no. Not drive. Just driving cars. But I've driven on a lot of tracks like drift tracks. I've done a lot of that for Travel Channel, so I'm pretty confident, OK.

I'll take you I'll take you up on that. Let's do that, let's definitely do track day. So the way we would do it. You guys drive the same carts, you know. Oh, why wouldn't I just drive a fast one? So you drive the same cars. How does it work? Well, there's different ways we could do it. You could do a straight up race, right? But it's probably a little more dangerous. Oh, yeah.

But we could do we could do, like, lap time.

I'm still a pain in my side because my cameraman, John, hit me with his car because I was destroying him and we were doing those, you know, we could do was we don't have to do real cars.

We can do those go carts. We could do that because there's no like 65 miles an hour. They do the ones we were just that go shit. We just did it in Colorado. Yeah, you win. Yeah, I did. Yeah, I beat everyone. I beat everyone three times.

But I, I didn't cheat but I just paid attention to the track.

I got to lead by the way on a indoor court for us. For the basketball. Yeah. OK. Yeah. Interesting indoor courts are more fun to play basketball, and so what do you think your strength is in basketball? Just that I played quite a bit and I'm definitely better off. Did you play in high school? Yeah. Oh, you played on the team? Mm hmm. I went to an all boys Catholic high school. We had like a heart.

It was harder to get on the team. I went to.

Yeah. Coed school. Yeah. Coed school. Yes, I was. The guys are great real chicks. Yeah. Yeah.

So yeah there's already beat half the people on the team was like mostly you know boys and girls. Yeah. Just like players go yeah ok. And they were tall.

We didn't have our school, we didn't, we had one but I remember we had more than one. But in my grade it was just Khari.

I remember going to the gym one time because I transferred high schools and when I was at this big high school, this dude, who was a junior in high school, kept the ball and did a reverse windmill dunk.

And I was like, Oh my God, did you start on your high school team?

Yeah, but I only played for the first couple of years, so I played J.V. on the football.

Yeah, that was in your high school. You can only play like once or. No, you could play more, you can play in our high school, you could play more but you had to be.

I played a lot of basketball after high school. Really? Yeah, I used to play like a courts and stuff courts, and then I go to play pickup games and like the rec gym and then when I moved to L.A., that was the first thing that I did.

OK, let's let's. Real quick. If you had to just just based off of nothing but just gut instinct, yeah, who would be your starting five as comedians? What are you talking about? Just pick a pick. A team will go back and forth for if we're doing a five on five. Five on five on five. OK, I'm going, I'm going to OK.

Go. I guarantee you Santino is fucking good at basketball.

He's a good athlete. Good athlete. Yeah. I think I'm right here though. I like it. And it's only at one of those. Andy Dalton.

A decade. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think he's a good athlete. How many great red headed athletes are there.

Yeah, I think about Dalton and then that's it. It's got to be a couple other one's name.

Great red headed athletes. Here you go.

Shaun White and Bill Walton, Mark McGuire, Mark McGuire, Dale Earnhardt Jr.. There's a lot of them or clacker. OK, now that starts to follow Blake Griffin. I mean, I guess he's got, you know, little bits of it.

OK, now it starts to fall off. So technically, there's only three, right? There's only. There's only. I got to take a shit, let's hold on, we're having fun right now. I still have to shed. OK, but give me a sec. Give me a sec. OK. Paul Morrissey. The comic, you're picking him up? Yeah, OK. OK, you start with him. Yeah, he's a point guard for me.

Oh, OK, hold on, hold on. You said you said yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn it. Who's whose dad was the fuckin coach? Jason Lochhead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jason that's your point guard. I'm picking Lochhead. OK, that makes you pick immortally I'm picking. Yeah. Yeah. OK, keep going. Keep going.

Um. Then let's see here. Oh. I'm going to take. I'll take Gary Goldman. God damn it, that's why I was going to fucking take. All right, if you're taking Gary Goldman, I feel like Alonzo Bowden will be really. Damn it. I was going to Alonzo Boden. I'm taking Alonzo Bodden.

All right. Yeah, right now, Alonzo is like bird.

I never play basketball. I'm just black. You're racist. I'm into motorcycles. I've never played basketball my entire life.

I got a good I mean, they could guard each other, but I think I'll go just for some extra length on the court and get Kirk Fox to. He's a tennis player, but I just know he's athletic. So at the worst, he's going to be able to guard somebody.

Can I tell you who I think I am? I'm just basing this off of his body. Yeah. Jeff die. Yeah, sure I pig Jeff die, OK?

Who's the obvious one we're forgetting? Are we just doing L.A. comics right now with just comics so we can make it happen if we want to do it?

Well, I mean, Gelman's in New York. OK, we'll keep going. Keep going. Um, let's see here. Who else? There's definitely people. I'm not thinking. I know.

I meet him in. Owen Smith. I'll keep my brain keeps on Katt Williams, Katt Williams via the World Bank who, goddamnit?

I'm trying to think of. My brain is limited right now, and who's I like, I can't think I can't even think of comics. We've been away from the store for so long.

I know it's rough. OK, it's your pick. Oh, fuck, I feel like my team's falling apart on me. I don't know. Just give me your tell me the one you were going to pick. OK, Whitney Cummings. Oh, God damn it, you got Whitney. I got it. I got it. There's got to be another. She's my shooting guard. There's got to be who's who. I'll take Amy Schumer because she hates Whitney.

You know, they just at some point, the fucking female energies are boxing each other out in force to get in the fucking paint.

I think I think when he's going to win this battle, though, uh, you got your one short, though.

I'm on short ball. I'll give you my next pick on next week's. Oh, OK.

Yeah, take your time. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you for watching. By the way, by the time this comes out, we already have the election's been decided and we like skated over.

How am I not on that?

No, no, no. It's the really trying to force me out of the show. Let's talk next week.

I'm going. Yeah, I'm going to be a big episode for us. Well I mean, he just in. Yeah. Um, all right.

We got to run. Love you. Love you guys. You guys.

All right, Tom some one goes topless while the other wears the shirt. Tom tells stories in bird style machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call sandbaggers. Okay. No scrapes, a bit of booze, amateur pathology, dirty jokes, raunchy humor, no apologies. Here's what I recall. So there's one case.