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Hello and welcome to Corolla Classics for October 3rd.
Twenty twenty. The show replaced with the greatest Adam Corolla moments from over eleven years of podcasting. My name is Chris Laksamana, executive producer of the Adam Carolla Show, and with me as always, Khairullah Archivist's super fan.
Geovani Ahoy. Ahoy, G.L..
We got a great show coming up on our mind, everybody. First, right now, Geico is offering an extra 15 percent credit on car, motorcycle and RV insurance policies.
That's right. Visit Geico Dotcom to learn more. OK, let's get started with a clip. We're taking you back to the first year of the Adam Carolla podcast, two thousand nine here, Theresa and Balde Brian, who were previously as host when they were on the radio show. It's co-host and Brian gave a health update.
They both kind of, yes, I'm sure one 12, Teresa and Brian, this record, seven twenty one point nine released on seven twenty three. Teresa talks pregnancy. Brian talks brain tumor radiation. We're going to play another clip. That's about twenty episodes later tomorrow on the Sunday show. In the separate feed, subscribe cool classics and you'll be able to hear a follow up with Brian getting progressively worse, as is going on. But he still really high spirits, is cracking hilarious jokes.
And I really want to highlight that and kind of show how far he's truly come. Sonsoles and Tyrese has been on the show so much recently. It's great to show she's like two thriving suns and like all these worries and stuff from the past were such temporary. Michigan, check it out.
So quick update on both you health wise, since that's what we do when you guys come on, Brian.
It's a rough week. I'm not gonna lie to you. Like the doctor said, the the the radiation the scientists working is that the symptoms are going to last a lot longer. They're going to they're going to get worse sometimes. And I feel wobbly and disoriented sometimes. And it sucks. And as you can tell, my tongue is still a little numb, not articulating as well I should be, but it's it's getting there. Hum. Right. I'm in good spirits.
So the the radiation I mean the bad news is the treatment is screwing with you, not the tumor.
Right. The tumor is according to the MRI, is the same size, which is good news because you know, it could have gotten bigger, could gotten more aggressive, could it have traveled in in the course of the radiation. But that didn't happen, having a shrink in the next few months.
And I saw you guys, as far as I could see, according to your doctors, well, your symptoms, B, maybe abating in the next month or two. Do they know?
Hopefully they'll be days, realistically, maybe six months or a year, but they'll be different, different things like a and there's a different order, you know. I mean, like I may I may be stumbling for a month. I may be coming for a week or month. I don't know. And just to recap for the new listener who might not know your situation, Brian was diagnosed with a brain tumor. It's inoperable because of the place that it's in, the location, the location, it's on the brainstem, which is on the brain stem.
Found out it's been four months.
If that actually has been really short. It's been like three months, really just three months.
But well, you talk about news. I don't want to I don't want to you know, I promise you, I. I have worse news. Worse than Brian's inoperable brain. Professionally. Yes. OK, what is it? CBS pilot not going to be picked up by CBS in any way, shape or form? Oh, no. Yeah, we all have problems.
Doesn't that put it in perspective really. Don't you. I mean really does put it really don't you feel like feel silly complaining about you. Worrying about a little balance problem. I have to wait till next pilots before. So Brian was going to come to work on the pilot and just a couple of days before he came to work on the pilot, he found out this horrible news. But his spirits have been great and they've been treating it aggressively and he's dealing with the best.
And by the way, when it comes to these sorts of things like radiology or just being being a neurosurgeon or something where we always go, you deal with this guy, he's the best I would like to deal with once.
I just like to find the worst.
I mean, a guy has got he's OK. He's barely competent yet. So you can always get an appointment with this guy and you can always get him on the phone.
He's it's that sort of thing with the international jewel thief. I just want to I want to find the regional jewel thief. I want to find the guy we're here. Yeah, we'll do. Going down sometime later, he'll stray into Eagle Rock, but rarely, rarely maybe if there's a tennis bracelet or something right on the border between Burbank and Glendale, maybe she really works the Glendale area. This guy, new sales at a mall.
Yeah, Robert, he's. But I would like to find the worst neurosurgeon's or an oncologist.
So the treatment is working in the sense that the tumor is not growing.
They help. So, yeah. I mean, yes, definitely to a doctor and they've got the MRI and everything's everything measured out correctly.
But the but obviously the treatment is aggravated right now.
That's could be a good sign. Yeah. Like a hood, like the the radiation will continue to work past the initial six weeks, you know. Well it will continue to the tumor up to the size. That's the the goal. Right.
So the radio, even though you're not getting radiation, it still continues to work past past what it is. And and the idea that the tumor seems aggravated for lack of a better term, thus causing these symptoms means that maybe the radiation is working, thus the slurred speech.
Yes, correct. And I apologize for the of speech, but that's a result of pretty sure I'm the control ti. How's your health? I'm doing great.
Seven months pregnant, feeling pretty good. I've got to break up with my doctor. Really. Yeah. Because he wants to. I hope I don't gross you guys out but there's a thing called an episiotomy. Yeah. And they, they cut essentially what would be your your perineum which is your.
Tain't right and you grumble about it.
Some people routinely cut and you know, to make room for the baby and some people just kind of let you take. And some people cut if they need, you know, if they really need to like the baby Stuckart shoulder stuck and I guess my doctor is kind of old school. And he told he told us that he you know, he believes in cutting. And I really freaked out. I started looking it up and like a pre-emptive cut. Preemptive.
Exactly. It routinely, preemptively cuts.
Well, I mean, Dr. Drew, the worst case scenario is that it rips and the vagina and the ass become what I don't want to marry my vagina and my ass.
And as I was looking it up, because, you know, I like to do a lot of my medical research online, I ran into two of the worst words that I asked after. I'm going to say, let's see, let's see.
Two words you never want together. They're bad, separately prolapsed anus. I think it could be worse than that, really.
Just prepare yourselves for this fecal incontinence o gas stool you can't get. I mean, obviously, this is the worst case scenario. But I did run into some positive medical news.
And as I don't want to bore people with discussion of what they do is they make a they give it a snip. They basically do what you would do back in the day day with your peg leg jeans, give it a little little snip up the side just so you could get your bands through. Yeah. And then if you need be, show it back up. And then of course, the big joke is the husband wants an extra stitch. Exactly.
And then my vagina looks like the pants of the guy from madness. Right. To work clothes or something like that. Right. That's of course the big joke. But apparently it's really confusing and people sort of disagree. But I guess the the routine episiotomy is real old school. But some people think you can control the direction of the tear if you cut it. And some people think it's like fabric. If you put a snip in, it's going to rip more easily.
Well, that seems intuitive to me. It's fear. I feel like it is easier, you know, with the starter rep to continue the rip. But either way, this guy's old school, he wants that. He wants to cut you.
Yeah. And apparently it's kind of hard to find a doctor when you're twenty nine weeks pregnant. People don't really want to take you. So I'm kind of calling around like then I try to pretend I just moved here. Yeah, right. Right. But I do have some positive medical news that I.
Well, you can't talk this guy out of the apartment first thing I think I can. But philosophically, if he's an appeaser me guy, I don't think I want him down there.
But, you know, at that time, because the thing that's his thing, he likes to cut and probably if he likes to cut the tape, he's probably quick to do a C section, which I'm certain doesn't seem so bad. Let me say this about human nature. I don't know if you guys have experienced this in your lives with people and you're so right. Like when people go, here's what I want to do, and you go, don't do that.
And they go, I think we should do that. You go, don't do it. And then you go, I'm going to the supermarket, please don't do that. And then you go to the supermarket. When you come back, they will be doing it and then you'll go, why the fuck are you doing that? And I'll go, let me tell you what happened. And whatever it is they decide and this happens in it happens with people I work with in carpentry my whole career, I could be like, don't do it that way.
They'd go I'd use that. When was like the beginning of this is when the person announces this is how I want to do it. At some point they will figure out a way to justify doing what it is that they say they want to do. Even if you warn them repeatedly, please don't do it. They'll say it was an emergency. I had to. That's sort of human nature. So I agree with you if you're with the tape, tape cutter tape.
NARRATOR If you're with that cat, he will figure out a way to do it, even if you beg him not to do it before him. Right.
Or because he's got ego attachment to that philosophy and that way of doing things. Let's just say it really does call for an appeaser of me. But now I've made a point that I don't want one.
And so instead of doing a tiny snip when it's warranted, he'll just let me tear twelve ways till Tuesday. Right. And then I've got fecal incontinence. And now where am I? Yeah, I'm sitting here on your couch pooping without any ability to control it.
Yeah, that's terrible. I would like holes and a hefty bag if there is truth.
Do you guys still love me? If I had fecal incontinence I would from a distance I feel via Twitter I would definitely love you. I had OK briefly so I have to share because I want to cheer everyone up with some happy news. Here you go. As I was, you know, I like to spend a lot of time Googling things that could go wrong with the baby medical stuff and stuff like that. Sure. And I it's called Jugal.
It's moronic cuz I can look up stuff and find diseases that they could die of that they could possibly. Be exposed to this is one of your most brilliant things you've ever come up with because of the surgery. Scared me, right? Because I've told you about my my jugal history, which is essentially like, you know, miscarriage at 14 weeks, which had a miscarriage at 19 weeks, hot bath and miscarriage, you know, pomegranate miscarriage or worse.
Kid goes to community college. Jugal, I think that would actually trump the stillborn or the miscarriage. Then you start looking up retroactive change you by going to junior college.
So, OK, so I'm so I'm looking at this thing called preeclampsia, which is an annual immunological disorder that some pregnant women get or basically your body.
Hold on. You could get a jugal alert. Somebody dropped the nickel, pops up Jumia.
Does it give you a Google map of where the nickel can be found so I can run to the intersection, Google Earth and I know where that Nicolelis. I start elbowing all these Hafitz out of my way to get to that nickel. That's how it works with you.
So Borat, so so OK. I'm juggling preeclampsia, which is there is a juggle there. Everything is God and the OT is Ahoskie with the yamaka. Oh wow.
That's so, so I'm looking it up because I've heard of it and I think wow I what if I need to know what the symptoms are in case I get this. So I start looking up articles in medical journals and I come to find out that this is one of many immunological disorders in which the woman who's pregnant, her body rejects the fetus because it's foreign DNA. It doesn't recognize, you know, it's the father, it's your guys. Is DNA in our body.
So our body starts cancer. All right.
It's your fault. So I can't I start looking at these articles, and I. I really can't believe what I'm seeing because I can't understand how this hasn't gotten out and how the penis does not have a better publicist, because what I found was so unbelievable to me. And then I wrote about it. I wrote about it not only on my site exploiting my baby, but also on mom logic and mom logic, this big mom site. And they actually had a doctor respond to my piece and she did not debunk it.
She said they were small scale, small scale studies, but she didn't debunk it. So here's what I found. If you OK here, I'll have to, like, redo some of the terminology. Sure. Because I am not making this up. And this is the topic of your body rejecting your fetus because it's for DNA right now.
How can you prevent this? And by the way, you should start doing this. Quite the opposite. Yes, quite. You know, exactly the opposite of Tia so far. The opposite, that you're not going to believe what I'm telling you. OK, and this should, by the way, begin a year before conception. So, Brian, let's just say you and Christy are thinking about maybe trying to have a baby in a year from now.
OK, so now Christie needs to swallow. Oh, oh.
Here's what I'm telling you. Acclimate yourself to your DNA. OK, this is from a some Dutch biologist study. This is what they've said. They've said that continued exposure to a partner semen has a strong protective effect against preeclampsia, largely due to the absorption of several immune modulating factors present in seminal fluid. Now, let's take it a step further, further consistent with the fact that human immune systems tolerate things better when they enter the body via the mouth, the Dutch researchers conducted a series of studies that confirmed a surprisingly strong correlation between diminished incidence of pre-eclampsia and a woman's practice of oral sex, and noted the protective effects were strongest if she swallowed her partner SEMO.
Now sex is good sex without better get a gig at that lab. Adelaide's athletes did well then.
Plus, there has to be elements of chicks who just physically are either repulsed by it or can't do it. So there's got to be guys like beating off an insurer or a protein shake or like some somebody's head over to Giesbert juice and I mean even boost. Oh, I mean, if you think about it, I know it's grotesque, but Brian or Mike Chalfie or even the Weese could, you know, drop a death charge in my twenty eight ounce John Bertucci, Infinite Orange.
And I probably would like it better to be honest. I have no idea.
You're right, because that's just a drop in a bucket. I mean, they give you a bucket of cheese. They give you a bucket of juice. Yeah, it's funny. It's healthy, except for it has more calories than a 12 foot hoagie because it's got a jar of peanut butter jar, peanut butter, eight banana Hershey bar and four. Yeah, fourteen and one is not going to exact the flavor, just saying that if you want to if you really want to do this experiment, one of the problems is going to be a lot of women.
God knows I trust enough of them. That just don't can't it's like it's like it's like why they invented chewable vitamins. I'm going to swallow big multi multi horse pill.
You got to shape it like Fred Flintstone and then let them let them nosh on it, you know what I mean?
Well, if you tell a woman that gastro intestinal absorption of your semen very, very important to the very survival of her baby, I don't see her turning away.
Well, I would always just look at it this way. I'd go listen, Barchas, an extra 20 bucks in it for you if I was actually kind of wondering I'm sorry to be so gross, but is there is there anything more pleasurable about somebody's swallowing or not?
I will say this. I've gotten into this many times. Guys do themselves a horrible disservice by talking about swallowing. It's really transporting. It's nuts. You're right. It's the interruption. I mean, if you think about it, you're you're receiving, you know, one of the greatest gifts other than, let's say, a go cart or dune buggy. You could give a guy right out there in the month club or PI or signed up for Pi Nut or vodka, the month club.
It's right up there with the greatest gift you could give. And by the way, B.J., the month club. Wow, I have everything is look different every month with that. That's why it's so expensive. Yes, I the point is this. It's the interruption, you know what I mean. Like, right. Right. Literally you have a you have one and a half second window that if there's interruption, it's sort of the equivalent of your taking Brian's wife in the next room.
Christie, evidently America to Christie. If you care about your baby, what about me? I'm thinking about having kids. Wait a minute. All right. So does it have to be your own wife? Well. All right. Whoever you're going to be meeting, here's what I want to say. I say, if you are, let's just say pleasuring yourself right and right at the moment of ecstasy, your roommate's like, hey, man, I'm out of prowl.
You have a shampoo in there and it's ruined. Right? Right. Yeah. And that's just that's that's just inaudible kids derailed. Right. You're derail them if you're right in the moment of ecstasy and during that moment something is interrupted, like there's a change in flow, a change in rhythm. I'm moving over. I'm I'm I'm holding a pillow up for protection. OK, I've done a welding mask. Right. I'm having my hand. You know, whatever's going on at the time, it's the interruption.
And whether it be whatever you're doing in life, I mean, if you're swinging a golf club and right on the back, somebody sneezes or somebody ask if you inhale on the backstroke, it's off. You're saying that's why when someone's at the charity stripe, everyone starts holding up those flags and giant foam fingers.
Yeah, yeah. Right. Which would be funny if there was some, you know, just as bang sticks you together. Yeah, but OK.
So I, we don't need, we don't need is the interruption. What you do with it when we're done is your business. So whether you want to haul it on over to the toilet, haul it to the sink or hit the ficus next to the bed, whatever you want to do with it or ingest it, that's a no, that's no. Never mind. Well, you know what it's like. It's like it's like the garbage. Once it gets picked up from my house, I don't want to follow it to the dump.
I don't care if it ends up in the bay. It's just gone and all. I want to do this until now. All I want is gone.
So what guys do and this is the the huge disservice guys do is they go, do you swallow the chicks like hell, though?
I don't I'm not into that or no, I'm not going to do that for then what you get is you get nothing. You get the weird interruption of service. Right. Right. At the moment of climax, what you do one is saying, hey, do you transport can you move some semen for me?
And I, I really need you to collect it. And I look and, you know, chicks freak out, but I go, look, you take a swig of bad milk from the fridge. Yeah. Yeah, everyone's done that thing. We take a hit off something or you take a hit off a beer and it has a cigarette butt floating in it or something like that. Would you run over to the sink and you spit it out the sink, hit it all over the your friend in the world?
Right. Everyone's done that thing. We've taken a swig. It's like milk is bad. You hustle over the sink, you run the water and spit it into the sink. So when guys start begging them to swallow and then they start arguing, I don't want to do that. Now, you've caused the problem. It's transport. And that's a nice sort of happy gray. And that I think most people can agree on now, there's a handful of guys out there I would like to do my own study on these guys.
I'll get you some Dutch research, please. Yes, I feel like the these might be the anal guys. I'm not sure. But the we're looking at. Do you spit or swallow, by the way, online not found at Google and Tranchant transport.
Not an option Odlin.
Yeah, the the I there's a lot of guys who have a prove it to me that they bring into the bedroom. Right.
As in if you love me you'll follow. Yes. Yes, yes. And and by the way, you women have a prove it to me all the time which is I picked these wild flowers. Oh that's awesome. I bought them from the Mexican guy on the side of the freeway. Not awesome. Why you have flowers. Do not not the point. Prove it. So you guys have your sort of prove it outside of the bedroom, which is what jewelry is.
Jewelry is. You're going to make me spend five grand on something that's the size of an acorn. I don't mean the rock itself. I mean just just the actual ring or bracelet. So I spent five grand on that. You're going to end up losing it at some point or we're going to break up. And either way, it has no intrinsic value whatsoever except for in an industrial application. But you guys love it and you say you love it, but it's really prove it.
And not only prove it to prove it to me, but I'll prove it to my friends when we go to lunch and see the huge point, how much my man loves me. I know every guy. Nobody wants to pay for something that slips over your ring finger. What they could buy an SUV for, like the way guys are psycho. I could buy a fucking Mercedes Benz for the price of this thing, but you're going to put it on your ring finger or put it in the form of earrings.
That's what it is. It's proven. And whether it's a picnic or wildflowers or jewelry that's proven to a to your friends in Osbey. Right. Unvalued.
Right. Look how much about it now. And also, I know he hates it. I know he fucking the idea of spending 40 grand on a tennis bracelet when we finally put that down on a condo in Tahoe is insanity. That, by the way, it's going to be worth nothing five years from now and then like again, possibly lost at some point or stolen that could never steal. The kind of the point is this that drives it now for us.
That's what anal is. That's what that's what swallow is. That's our tennis bracelet. Now it's our wildflower spin.
Go pick up. And a couple of health updates from Teresa and Bob Bryan, and as Jeff said, it seemed like such a big deal and it was it was a big deal at the time. But we know how the story goes, both of them. It turns out it went really well. So thank goodness.
And, yeah, it's shocking to hear Brian back then to this guy. Sounds like to him today, it's like, wow, it's completely different to hear him before the tumor diagnosis. He sounds completely different than both versions of himself now. And I think now I like how he sounds the best. He is like a deeper register. It's so interesting how it's kind of affected his ability to broadcast. And you mentioned that, you know, it's kind of 11 years plus of the Kuroshio.
I just did an archive update and send it off to Matt. And it's looking really strangely, as though almost lining up perfectly with the 12 year anniversary is Episode 3000, dependent on dark weeks and, you know, episodes that aren't recorded between now and February 22nd, 2013, we may line up that they're perfectly aligned or they're off by one or two days, which would be hilarious of great magnet.
It's up to you. All right. Let's move forward with our next clip. This one features the late, great Fred Willard back in 2010.
It's amazing. I can't believe he's gone. It feels like he's still here. I went back and listen to this one. Like, how have we not played this? It's not in our document. We have not used this one. We use a different word would show this and crucial three thirty six. This is very early on into this switch of the formats. The audio has been improved, so it sounds different than it did when you originally heard it.
I've made it a little bit better and spread. Mother Teresa Strasser, Brian Bishop. This is from June of 2010. We get Fred's interview. We hope our thread and we get a TV series pitch that maybe probably wouldn't be fit for air. Check it out. Thinkin that we bring in Fred Willard and we play hobo power with Fred, will that be fun? And while we're doing that, I'll give a shout out to our friends at zero one media center.
They built Dony Supercomputer. That's how we can do this show. They're an authorized apple dealer. They support this show. So you should support them. Three one zero six five one eighty four eighty eight three one zero six five one eight four eight eight. What do they do. Well, they can sell you Mac or they can scoop up your Mac or they can fix your Apple computer, your iPod, your iPhones. That's right. Don't throw them away.
They're good friends over at zero one media center. Fix it for him. Listen, give him a call. Three one six five one eighty four. Anyone you want to do a podcast, you need the right equipment. Talk to the guys that helped us zero one media center. All right. So that part where I announce we're going to bring in Fred Willard, Fred Willard, that should mean that he's bringing Fred Willard into on it, huh?
It comes the great Fred Willard right now, ladies and gentlemen, hi, how are you? Good. Adam, how are you? Where do I set the middle? Right here in the middle of things. Oh, such a mensch. I'm ready to mix it up. What do you want to do? What do you want to argue about? I am a very controversial guy, usually antagonistic time. Not that is one of the nicest, funniest guys in this business.
And I had the chance to well, we hung out a little bit in Texas for the Super Bowl. That was fun, wasn't it? Yeah. Down in Houston, Friend Night, we had one of these we had one of these great moments where we were driving from Houston to the outskirts of Houston to do Jimmy Kimmel show somebody home. Yes. They won a contest in the right. The guy the guy who lived about well, it's hard to tell how far out of Houston the guys live because our driver couldn't find the house.
That's right. Headphones, I can hear you fine. You don't need them for me. But when we take some calls. Oh, so, so the I think they were called the muchos family or muchos or something like that. And Jimmy had somehow found these guys just about five years ago. And so Jimmy was broadcasting live or close to live from their home. And Fred and I were going to be on the show and our driver picked us up at our hotel in Houston and then couldn't find their home.
Thank God. If you remember, our driver was a comedian, except for he was a Christian comedian.
Oh, God. Is that like the Christian rock thing? Much worse. Much worse. My standards pretty low on their comedy. Well, he had to test out some of the material for Fred Nile. Oh, no. And then also we had to stop and eat.
That's right. Yes. And I think Jimmy got madder and madder. Where the heck are you? Yeah. And that was one of these things out of a movie where I said somebody said, James Babydoll Thickset, our agent was with us and he said, I'm starving. We got to eat some Texas barbecue. And I said, Hey, man, we're I think we're like an hour late already and we don't know we're going. Maybe we should just drive to the house and then we'll eat there.
And Babydoll said, I'll call Doug DeLuca and find out if there's some food at the house. And that was one of those things where he clearly wanted to stop. So it's like a duck. There's no there's no barbecue there, is there? Oh, but only chicken. All right. Well, screw that high. Hangs up and he goes, all right. Doug said there's no food, so we should go eat. So we stop. And I said, really?
Because I think we're running late already. So we stop at a barbecue joint and we start eating at about halfway into the meal. Of course, the phone rings and it's Jimmy. Where the fuck are you eating barbecue? You're eating barbecue here and you're two hours late. Dixon called Doug and said that it would be OK. Yeah, I'm sure he'd call them. Just get the fuck over here. And it's like, got it. Like, you know, the thing where you're getting yelled at almost because you were the only person stupid enough to raise your hand and go, we just keep driving.
But we do the show and it came off fun and there was a nice family. If you just remind me of the Christian comic. Yeah, I forgot that. But he was he was pretty funny. They can you know, you listen to them if, you know, I listen to comedy radio a lot and study here and some guy and say this is doing he's a Christian comic. It's a whole different thing is something something about Jesus. You know, Jesus had a good sense of humor in Jesus.
So you look at it from a whole different angle. Yeah, a crazy angle. And I'll tell you what was funny about the guy. It took us an hour and forty five minutes to cover. Twenty minute commute really is what it was, because this guy could not find the house he kept getting. He kept getting lost. Fred, every piece of barbecue, by the way, they give you just as a courtesy, like a loaf of white bread.
Just toss it on the table out all of it. Fried egg, every piece of bread fried. You must have grown up either poor or he had a lot of siblings or what happened. He finished he finished everyone's barbecue and then ate a rich white bread, too. I took note of it. I must have been very hungry, very nervous about the depression. Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I fed the hard times. I don't remember any of that.
I remember the whole situation. Did you stay to see the game, the Super Bowl game. I know we flew back. Yeah. We think we must have been on the same jet together. We all took a Yes. Private jet pack. Yes. We left a day early, which is a shame because it was the only you see the game. And I said, yeah, no, no, we didn't. It would sound strange. We flew to Houston.
Kind of sucks. It's not a great town. It's no Seattle, that's for sure. Fred doesn't have a bad thing to say about any town, but Houston, not a not a lovely town. And the barbecue, not as great as I thought, although Fred laughed it up pretty good. You know where they have. Well, barbecue. Yeah. Houston, Austin, I, I did a movie in Austin, a Christopher Guest movie. A second day, there we are in this little town and Christopher says, come on, we're going to take you to lunch at this place, you won't believe it.
We went into a place that serves only meat. There was steak, there was pork. There was talking about no fish or no sign, no fish, no salad, no beans. I don't remember you could get beans, white bread, but I remember they they'd give it to you on a pizza butcher paper. Right. We'd walk through like a candy tray piece of butcher paper. What do you what you want. Pork that the big ovens there.
And I think they did have beans and you get a soft drink in a candy bar when you went out and this is for lunch, that's all they had. But it was the best barbecue I ever had. You stop at a little place in town, right place, which if you saw here in L.A., you might not go into wonderful stuff, wonderful barbecue. But I guess you grew up. Did you grow up? Tell me tell me about your pastor, Fred.
By the way, the movie is called Youth in Revolt. It is out on DVD and Blu ray starting June 15th. Is that right?
I do. I did know it's coming out. It's a fun movie. Yeah. June, June 15. This is June 15th. Yeah, it was a fun. Now, Michael, Sarah. Do you like Michael? Yeah, his little act. Very sweet.
He had his 21st birthday party on the set and his mom was there. He was the star movie. We were all at the hotel and after this late night shoot we went his mom was there and we had a little party. I said, got to be 21 and starring in a set of major pictures. And he is such a star. They said when he pulled out, we were shot in this little neighborhood and we were pulling out of the neighborhood and some girls were standing and they saw him.
They started to cry because he'd been.
And what was he was in the band, you know, did you or he was the second he was the boy crush and junior. Yeah. Yeah. So but now at twenty one, Fred Willard. Where was I. I was in the Army dinner table elbowing your 15 brothers and sisters.
No know I was the only kid but you know.
Are you a kid. Oh yes. Wow. Do you eat like this. I don't remember eating like I make note of it. I wait for the bread. Do you ever been in prison? Because sometimes they do time.
No, no. But you know, when you get hungry, I don't. Something's missing there, Fred. You're poor. Did you grow up poor?
No, the lower middle class. There were all these problems in the house. What did your pay. Oh, wait a minute.
I got it. When we were young, did you ever drive into a snowbank and you're trapped in your car for. No, for four days. Yeah, like that. I had that debt. What are they called?
We were just a step away from killing and eating when our best our guy, our buddies, a younger brother.
And thank goodness they rescued us and that dog. And now he's just exactly. We still joke about it to this day. I knew there was something behind you. We're bogarting, cannibalised. May I say. Come on. So, yeah. Where are you? Where where do you grow up? I want to know the whole Fred Willard story. And I've been watching Fred since Fernwood tonight, by the way. Yes. Which then turned into America tonight.
America tonight. Yeah. If people I'm dating myself.
But there was a whole. Hmm. It was Martin Mull. Yes, indeed. And yourself and happy kind in the mirth makers. Frank all was the name of the bandleader. Yes. And how many about that, Grandpa Carl. Sort of. You know who's on our show?
Gary Coleman. God bless him. We just passed away. He came on. He was just he was on whatever series. He was on Diff'rent Strokes. Yeah. He's a little older than he appeared. And he came on. He was we were doing the things we were playing. They played us. Gary Coleman and Corey Feldman played Martin and me as little kids. And the joke was, of course, Gary Coleman was black and. Sure.
But he and I, he was so precocious and so funny and so charming. This little kid, Gary Coleman, I always remember that. And for some reason he took a liking to me and then he invited me. We ran with some function and he said, I'm having my 21st birthday party in three months. He invited me to his 21st birthday party and he got there. And he's still you still think he's a little twelve year old kid, but he's twenty one.
And he always thought that he wanted to be older, you know. Yeah, this is and he let everyone in the party on in a conga line. And then I did a movie with him in Provo, Utah called Church Ball. And you talk about religious humor. It's a Mormon, it's a whole Mormon community. And there's a whole Mormon movie industry. They do movies just for Mormons and about Mormons. And if one breaks out a little, it might go public.
Right. But we did this movie called Church Ball, which I understood nothing about. What they explained to me that in the Mormons have these basketball leagues and it's cutthroat. I mean, it's not just, oh, God bless you. You know, you take a shot that elevates your elbows and they take it very seriously. And they were all Mormons. Oh, what what was he like a power forward in the Mormon church was.
That they recruited Gary's brother, who was tall and a great basketball but basketball star, but to get them, get him, they had to take Gary and Gary was a little curmudgeon. He saw I get the joke, I'm so small, but I'm a basketball player.
But he took such a love to the Provo, Utah, that he bought a home there and he lived there.
That's where I believe he died there. Yeah. I wondered what why he was living. You want to move to a place where he could blend in and be left alone, right? You want to. Yeah. Just melt into the scenery. That's right. I had no idea there were black guys over there, big basketball community. I didn't know that either.
But I guess they knew there was Shawn Bradley and Mormon. So, yes, he was. And they serve they serve their missionary good barbecue. No, I. I think of food and you can't they don't drink alcohol, but they are OK.
Or caffeine or. Yeah. Yeah.
So, so they're very nice people. The, the. Osmonds are there and they you know, you see what you want them very nice, just nice people. Why that frown on your face?
No, no, no, no, no, no. I'm making. Here's what here's my observation about the Osmonds and and everyone else. I am now. I have I have two bands for which to place people, troublemaker or non troublemaker. And if you're a Somali pirate, they're no like ethnic cleansing or you're into, you know, muling drugs over from Mexico or whatever you are, you're white supremacist or you're you're you're trying to blow up a federal building.
You're in the trouble making. That's trouble. Yeah. The other one, I don't give a shit. I love your family. Pray to your God. I don't care. Who do you pray to? I don't care if you wear a bow tie in the swimming pool. I don't I don't care how nerdy or geeky or how easy it is to make fun of you. It doesn't matter. You're not hurting me. You're not hurting your family.
You're paying your taxes. God bless you. I don't give a shit. That's right. That was good to encourage that. I think putting them in a bin, aren't you? I thought you were going to ignore them. Let's let's take them out of the bin. Yeah. Let's glorify them and say God bless you. Yeah. No, it's the same way. Listen to me. I'm listening.
I've been you know, I've been trying to do comedy for a long time and there's a lot of easy targets, like they'll make fun of nuns. People make fun, but God bless the nuns if they want to be nuns. Yeah. God bless the priest if they want to. God bless our soldiers. Yeah, I am. I was in the army.
I hated the army. And they make jokes about the army, the army mentality. But when you look at it, you say, God bless him. If we didn't, you know, these people want to go in the army. I'll tell you something much you want to know. It's like the gays, the gay cologne. They don't have any. Oh, I didn't know where you were in the good. They pay taxes. They don't have a shitload of kids they can't support and they keep their lawns real nice, you know.
All right. That's right. You don't want to attack the gay community. What? You're trying to find out where that community is. Yeah, you know, it would be well, well cared for, believe me. Take a look at Santa Monica Boulevard at Western and Santa Monica Boulevard at, I don't know, La Cienega. You'll see a little different Santa Monica Boulevard. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Stop in a place called the the Polair.
If you go and say hello to me. Yes. Be there, Fred. No, I won't be there. I think Fred will say OK, say hello. He's my point. I was going you were going to say something about. Yes. You want to know something about Fred Willard's background? I was sent away when I was a teenager. My father passed away and I was kind of a troublesome teen, which today, you know, be vice president of the class.
It was so. But my mother decided you had a slingshot. Now they rape kids in a pool. By the way, if you're troublesome, bye bye. Mom decided to send me away to a military school. So I went to a military, you know, junior and senior in high school. Then for some reason, I decided when I went to college, I said, you know, I don't think I'll fit into a frat house type of thing.
I was kind of a serious kid and I loved sports. I played sports like I went to a place called Virginia Military Institute, which I didn't know I was blindsight. I went into that. It was like West Point. I was really I said, holy cow, this was a really tough military environment. I got I got away with a lot of stuff because I played I ran cross-country, I played baseball and I made some great friends there.
But I hated I couldn't wait to get away from it. And my roommate was a, you know, three, four roommates. We were both English majors, which is a minority there. Everyone was an engineer. They were medical. They they went into the military. You're in high school. I'm in no, I'm in college now on college. And he said, send me the alumni journals and we're complaining. We complain, oh, God, what a terrible place it was.
And suddenly I'm getting these alumni journals. These guys graduate and they're over in the Middle East. No, hold up VMI banners. They're serving our country. And I said, God bless them. I was the odd man out there. I went there and these these guys are serving the country. So now I've done a whole switcheroo on say, yeah, I'm actually thinking of sending in a letter to my alumni. You know, the. You're right.
But you graduated. Yeah. Oh, I graduate. And then what? You know, let me let me make this observation. You I think you're back me up. Fred Willard, you know, a deceptively handsome. Yeah. I could see us. You know, we get we're so mesmerized by this comedic wit. It's easy to miss his it's matinee if he was exactly don't good looks. If he was a serious actor, I think he'd be a regular Gary Cooper.
But he's funny. So people sort of brush him off as being a comedic actor. That's the cross. I could see you and your young college days, a very athletic and you're quite a tall man. I'm a little over six foot. Yeah. He was a giant first date. The fact that we're in the teens, right? Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, my God. The average height of is five, one and three quarters.
They only lived to their mid thirties. An old man, and that's the problem, you know, that's how you see, I think we're all meant to die in the middle 40s. That's when the problems start. You get in your 50s and then you start getting this. You start getting that. Yeah, my dad passed away. He was forty four lucky. So what do you do, die? Are you just as hard went like that?
I mean, was it a tough thing that bugged me when I turned 44? You know, then you start thinking again. My mom said to me at one time, she said, what? Your dad had heart problems. You know, he couldn't get insurance. So I felt a little better that, you know, and my doctor asked me something about was there any anything, some whatever thing in your family? And I said, I don't know.
My dad died of a heart attack. My uncles my grandfather was hit by a streetcar. And he says, oh, Mocho deaths. So that's that's it when you're here. I think if we're all meant to die, like in 40 to 45, but you don't want to die, you know. Yeah. You know, God bless Gary Coleman for holding up his end of the bargain.
Yeah, right around forty two. Two. Is that all? He was very tall.
He was you know, when I read that the biological purpose of a woman after she stops, after she's done with her childbearing years. Like why, why is she still around. Oh Milbourne.
Is that right. Right. I think I read that. I guess now that actually biologically, what is their purpose?
To take care of their grandchildren. They're the mom with the kids.
That isn't. And that's a very valid thing. I have a grandson now, so he realizes how great it is to have grandkids. And biologically, for males over 40 or 50, it's falling off of ladders. Yeah, that's what we do. Yeah, but you can still make babies. Yeah. You would have held that. Tony Randall. Right. And many of these guys, Tony Randall, have a kid like when he's eighty one. Yeah.
I don't think he was quite that old, but you know, the people were critical. I literally in his 70s, late 70s I but God bless him. He left that kid. No, he left him a lot of money. He had a young wife and his kid could say, my dad. I don't know though is it possible to have a kid when you probably have three or four years left on the planet? Let's find out when Tony Randall had his and what sort.
Great. Anthony Anthony Quinn, when he had he did like something in his 80s to Paul.
Brian, what would you find out about Zorba or or seventy five when he had a kid, Tony Randall, you know, maybe when he got married he was seventy five had even older than that.
They said he was quite a ladies man, Tony, which is funny because when you see, when you see him, he seems kind of almost prissy and you go ahead and say gay. But well he did that series where he wanted to he wanted to be portrayed as a gay man. Right. And the network fought it, but he was seventy eight. Seventy eight.
He had the kid. Seventy five when he got married. That's pretty old. Yeah. They had two kids. Jesus Christ leave. So why not have two kids and have a couple of kids. How many kids are brought up with no father whatsoever. It's like you're offering me in order. I have a couple of kids on Saturday come to the game, so let's have a kid.
I mean, kids grow up with no parents or just a mum, but yeah, those two. My dad was Tony Randall.
Yeah, that's true. That's good. Yeah. That's going to get you laid in college. Who was Tony Randall. It's two thousand and twenty eight. I don't know the fuck Tony Randall is. Come on. He was a legend but nobody knows who anyone was. Eddie right. Isn't that truth? You know, Elvis died at four. He was forty two. He seems so much older when you were young, you know. Well, he wasn't that young, but now you look back.
He was 42 when he died. You know, it's it's interesting that iconic. Well, it's crazy when you find out that, you know, Jim Morrison was twenty nine and Jimmy Hendrix was like twenty nine and James Dean was in his twenties and these guys were in their twenties. They weren't even in their thirties. I mean, thirty three would have been young, but in their twenties. He's iconic. Yes. Yeah. Figures they're young.
Hank Williams was like twenty six. But you look at him now you think he's really fifty, sixty year old man. But he had a very tough life. I was a big fan and I read a lot about him. He had a lot of physical problems. He liked his barbecue too, right. Yeah. I bet he did it as white bread I believe, because I love that you picked up that detail that stayed with, you know, these many years.
I was like, this stuff is a nickel a slice and we're all full and Fred's mopping it up. Just that would be a chapter in your book. Look at that. Fred Willard years. Willard love white bread. He ate so much. Yeah, but Fred did. Oh, I don't know what he did. Yeah. Yeah. So much white bread. Oh. Well let's I want to talk more about you forget about Tony Randall for a second.
Or Hank Williams. So you go to you go to college, you get out, you're in the military, and what year are you in the military? Well, I was you know, when you graduate from college, you're 21. Then at the time you had to go in the Army. I did not go in as an officer. I went and enlisted men when I got to do. I just was so fed up with the military, which was part of my story, I couldn't bear the military attitude, the inspections you'd have, how you'd we'd have an inspection in the Army, you'd have an inspection.
The general was coming on the to the for some commanding general, they would mop the floors, polished the floors and make your bed. They wouldn't want you to sleep in the bed that night for fear up for God forbid the general would walk through and see a mess. Right. I wanted no part. I said I'm going to bed. So I got out of the army and I said I was fed up. But now you've got to respect the people wanted to do it.
Well, here, here's here's a question for you, Fred, because we have a whole new generation of just self entitled, sort of sloppy, a disrespectful, just narcissistic, not not only just kids, but just people. I mean, I was never in the military, but I played 10 years of football and I played seven years of Pop Warner football and rarely talks about those days, rarely bring it up. So for all Central Valley first all they call me Captain Crunch, captain of the defense.
But the point is this. I don't like to talk about myself, but here's the thing that football is the military. Yes, sir. No, sir. It's pushout. Absolutely whistle's that you running wind sprints and it's guys yelling at you and saying, hey, you're a ten yard out, is a ten yard out. You run ten yards, you cut hard and you turn out and we do these drills where you got on one line and the other guy on the other line and you ran at each other and you collided.
Yeah. And if you flinched or stopped or buckled, you ran laps and they blow whistle. If one guy jumped offsides, all team ran laps. And so I got this kind of discipline built into discipline is where I stand, what ten yards is. I understand what the answer is. And I listen when people talk and I just I know how to execute things. And it's like I feel like it's a Pop Warner football thing. It's not even a high school football things.
When I was eight in ten, I had a guy yelling at me in a windbreaker and now I was just a big fat pussy. It doesn't listen. Maybe we need this. I don't know. I didn't know which side you were going to. I think you do you need some kind of discipline. You need some noise especially. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And if the boys are disciplined, the girls, that's it. Going to be they're going to fall down.
You know, the girls are influenced because you feel like we're getting away from that too much with like, you know, everyone gets a trophy. I would argue that that's why the culture has embraced Simon Cowell. Yes. Because he will just like say you're not good, you're not a good singer and you shouldn't be doing it as opposed to the culture of everyone gets the most improved trophy. Yeah, it's not merit based anymore. Everyone has to have high self-esteem.
And look, when when I played, we knew who was good and we knew who wasn't good. And the people that weren't good were called benchwarmers. And you kind of made fun of them and you won. You aspired to take the place of a guy who was starting. But there is the problem. I'm going to jump in here and be the devil's advocate there. A lot of people's lot of guys problems is they didn't make that varsity team.
Someone else beat them out for the football and so on. And so I think if there's a kind of a thing in the elementary schools, junior high school, everyone gets a chance to play. We don't keep score. You know, the parents are going to keep score anyway. The kids are going to know who won. But still, there's not a feeling like, oh, you're a loser. We're not going to put you in the kids who really want to play sports.
And I have a lot of friends whose kids are really crack athletes. They play baseball. They're nine, ten, eleven years old. They're in leagues, they travel. So they're going to fall into that and they're going to be with other kids who are successful. And their worst thing is that, you know, the finals of the championship game, they lose in the seventh inning. That but I think to help kids who when they're in junior high school, they didn't make the team why?
And they were just as good as some other team. But the coach played favorites, I think let them avoid that and blossom and live their life and say, yeah, I played and I gave it up myself. Don't you feel like you took a lot of the discipline that you learned in the various military academies? You were sure it's the right thing. And I always say I say to my wife, so we're in a restaurant and I see someone doing so.
I say, God, I wish I had never gone to a military school, had a military thing, because it's just she just relax. My wife's always told me she'd make a good policeman relax. I do. I see someone doing something you shouldn't do. They shouldn't be doing that. Right. And which is I'm the one out of step these days. You know, you go to a nice restaurant, a guy comes in with a a t shirt and a baseball hat and.
Yeah, but I don't know if that's right or wrong, but that's wrong. It's right. Something it's bothering myself. I should know. That's good. You have you have hyper vigilance. But I have you. Notice everything and it bothers you, it bothers me. Yeah, and the same thing with it's like you notice there are two pieces of bread left over after we're done with our main table next to yours. They eat their bread tables over.
This happens. So, yes, it did. Now we're into the back in the kitchen and getting wanted to have a loaf for the road. So some of it might still hear him saying, what if we break down? I said a couple more pieces of that bread just in case. Can you see what Adam thought you were like one of 12 siblings, like fighting over the little scraps. We did have a totally child. My chauffeur's butler once got sick and my chauffeurs had to take care.
No, but also another thing that bothered me. Then we'll get off of this. People are going to hate me when you read about these kids in the run up a credit card or people write credit card bill and then they want to sue the credit card company for letting you gave me a credit. This shouldn't bother me if it bothered me. Let's have some fun. All right. Let's talk about a little hobo power. You know, Fred, this is something that I came up with.
I explain at the top of the show, it's a unit of measurement, like a British thermal unit for heat or fathom in the sea or not or miles per hour. I mean, we have a unit of measurement for kilowatts for everything, but not for stink.
Hmm. How much does somebody or something stink? We will hear the story and assign a number to it. And it's called hobo power. Oh, OK. I think we have an intro, by the way.
It's time for hobo power items. Unit of stink measurement new. The engine did have some hobo's call, you give us your stick story and will rank the here. All right, let's start light, we'll work our way to the me, not their friend, Fred. Hey, Mike.
Yeah, it's Mike from Phoenix. How's it going, Adam? Good. Mike, what's going on? It's it's an honor to talk to you. I talk to you a few weeks ago. You're the guy that inspired me to make a career change and I'm still thankful. Great serial rapist, I believe. No simple answer. Oh, dancer.
So am I right that Teresa and Brian are there as well? Yes, we're doing it. Oh, my heart's a Twitter thing. Awesome.
Give us your hobo power and let us let us assign in a no.
OK, but please consider the whole experience, not just the stench. Like take it into context. Like the Bible. Right. Right. And again, one hundred is the highest, but that's never that's theoretical. No man has ever lived. OK, so fourteen years old, a freshman in high school, I was dating a very, very heavy girl, very large. I never had sex so unattractive in that way that I had no desire to.
Why are you dating her? Yeah, well, I actually thought about that. My wife used to ask me that if she was a wonderful, sweet I mean, she was just a wonderful girl and she had a wonderful face and she was kind and she had a car. I was a freshman. She was a senior. Yeah. Wow. So I thought it was cool that I was dating a senior figure. By the way, whenever whenever a guy is explaining why he's dating someone, please just hop to the end because I go she's kind.
She loves animals. She has huge jugs. OK, she had a car. All right. So just whatever it is that the last one or two that come in, that's the reason. Right? OK, she would pick me up for school every day and drive me to school my whole freshman year. It was amazing. Oh, okay. So one night I had messed around with other girls before, but I was technically a virgin and I was getting pretty good at and I'm now I'm uncomfortable.
Patrice's there but no it's ok. It's all right. OK, we're talking about. Right. I decided I was going to go down on her and I was going to go in full bore, just go for it. And I she was sitting on my couch and my dad and I went down there and it's I just took that huge big with just that big inhale. Sure. And what I didn't know was that she and a couple of her other heavyset friends had shared a yeast infection off and on for months like they were fighting it.
If you pass it around like a joint, Teresa, I have never had a yeast infection, really made it if I had. But I think some people are prone to them and some are not. I wish you weren't a liar. I swear, I I've had many duties since you weren't a lawyer. Many, many. But I've never had. That's a technical institute outside of that. I also like doing that. Yeah, that was a military academy.
I'm sick of all your lies and facts. So I take a lie detector. She had a horrible yeast. And, you know, what did she weigh approximately? Well, at that time, I was 180 pounds in front as a freshman. Yes, she was much heavier than I was. I don't know what she must've flourishes more with the heavy also. What's more. Oh, it's there was full. I mean, it wasn't that it's moist.
Yeah. Well, what did you do then? Go into his mind to go on with my life. When I tell the story, nobody believes me, but it was full on jump up I's cross like it was horrible. Did you mean you throw up? Because if you did she would she'd be in a therapist's office, right? No, no, I, I, I did that. I stood up and I, I made some sort of excuse like I owe my back or my knee or about a fourteen year old to that problem.
I spoke with Fresh Prince. Yeah. It was all I can do at the moment. I just can't process this was my shot to have sex and I passed it. I said, no, I'm gone. I'm out of here. And that was it. Oh, I see. The guy's broken up. Did you break up after that? Six months later we broke up. Wow. Six months. You forget you ever end up having sex with her?
As a matter of fact, we did. And twice. And it's just it's amazing. Even at fourteen, it did it once. And then like when she would go, hey, you want to mess around? I know. No, you know, we don't have to know. I mean, I literally, as the horniest person in the world, had no desire. It was the same. Yeah. All right. I did break up eventually.
So you didn't throw up, though, right? My. No, I didn't. And I continued the relationship. Well, yeah, that's that's that's that's almost a single digit work over there. I'm sorry. My mike was right. You should take the context, you know. Thank you, Theresa. Well, you're my favorite. He's team, right? It's like the first time he smelled of it and he thinks it's going to be glorious. Yeah, so there's a shock factor also.
What season? What season? It's Phoenix and Phoenix, summer in Phoenix, Central Air, just like a swamp cooler central air. That's like the first time that you get hit. And then you've got to decide you want to continue to play baseball or just shake it off some dirt on it. Yeah, well, he continued. So I think he survived. That's my point. That's that's why. And I agree. It's soul stealing. It's shocking.
And it's seared into your memory. I mean, how old you're thirty six now. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. And you remember it as if it was yesterday. Right. I remember every second of it. I don't even know what a yeast infection which I'm going to give him a 12 because I'm feeling generous. Wow. It's very tangy. I'm feeling, I'm feeling generous and we'll give you a while. But you're going to have to do better than that.
And I think we have some that are much better than that department to see some jumping out on you like the morbid in the Aqab ones.
Yeah, I, I like yardline one. Yeah. That's but that's kind of his goal. Line one. Hey Mike. Yeah. What's up. Calling from Iowa. Thanks. You have a hobo power story for us. Yeah I got it. Think you want. It's not real pleasant. I don't know if you guys want to hear it. We like we. Yeah. Oh yeah. Cool. Well a couple of years back in college I had a buddy that it was in his apartment building.
They kind of started to smell something and they were like trying to figure out what it was. And when they figured out which apartment it was coming from, they told the landlord and they said, you know, send the dude over to go see if it's some garbage or something that maybe somebody left over the over the holiday. The dude went with his he knocked on the door and he kicked in. And laying right in the kitchen was a girl that lived there.
And I don't know how long had she been had she been passed away? They figured it was a couple of days. I guess she was anorexic or something and she might have just collapsed. But after that. Right, I know you're going by Ribs USA on your way back home. Yeah. I don't want to ruin a night for you. So that's a disease I can relate to anorexia. That's selfish. But, you know, this can be could be bad on several levels, not only from the horrible part, but someone who lives next door.
You die. That can haunt people. Are they going to come back and you're going to hear change right next door? So this is a bet on it. I said Marley. Yeah, well, on several levels, not just the smell, but I don't want to. Yeah. Someone die young, a young woman. You don't want to hear that ghost throwing up into the toilet, you know what I mean? Yeah. And the the guy actually the guy who found her quit the next day.
And later on that week they thought biohazard suit guy is carrying the body out. You know what I've never done and I got to knock on wood. I've never done that thing where I've knocked on the door, not had an answer, and then went, well, now I'm coming in. Anyway, my policy is I knock on the door and if no one answers, I get my car, I go home. That's my mom, because there's nothing inside of that door that could be good.
What if you're the manager of an apartment? You got to go inside. I know the worst you're going to find if someone is napping and pissed off. I mean, that's best case scenario. Worst is somebody dead, dead, anorexic. Yeah. All right. Now, see, Mike, a couple of problems. She was anorexic. And so there's not a lot of meat on the bone. There's not much to write. I feel like that hurts the hobo, you know, equation a little bit.
OK, also wasn't you. You smell the smell from afar, right? I actually was a buddy of mine and smelled it and then called the call the landlord and the guy. Yeah. Sorry, that that's that's an a this is this is third hand at best. This is not what you need, but you got to toss in a couple of points for the mental side of it to. Sure I did. I did right in that as I wish I had to say.
OK, ok, ok. Yeah. All right. Thanks, Mike. All right. Thanks, guys. Lackluster at best. Let's talk to Nate. Nate, I do hope our at a good deal familiar with the game to just thank you. Sorry. You start in the spring break this year. Minnesota made a twenty four hour trip down to Panama City Beach last night. We were there six people in a room blackout drunk. I think we drove out to Panama City for MTV's Spring Break.
One year, by the way. All right. Great place to go. Yeah, I was not buying this certain night, but they always know when they wake up. I see the one girl in the room standing over my bed like, what's up at six in the morning? She tell me what the steamer between the seat. And I had no idea what she's talking about. And then I, like, took a breath. You my know I know exactly what you're talking about because he said he woke up with her hand by her face in a pile of shit.
Got somebody. Shit in your hotel room, in the hotel room, in the bed, you walk to the bathroom immediately after and stepped in another pile of the bathroom. Oh yeah. Yeah. So what's first thing? My buddy Mark asleep in there too. And they get out. He's got all over his back like everywhere. All of it. But somebody, somebody's Ruffy you guys at a bar. So they come in and take a shit and don't show.
Oh well that's the thing. Hundred ninety three ways. That's what happened. Yeah. Anyway, so now you don't remember sleeping. Don't remember sleeping. So I think we are completely gone. I was but not everyone. I this is, this is this spring break hijinx. Did you, did you, did you make any contact. Remember you guys, you swallow a goldfish and stuff like that back and that's what they do now. Did you have any contact with the fecal matter.
I did not is a great situation for me, but I got to give it a five and a half there.
And that's of that. That's not strong.
No, I don't see a girl using the expression steamer. Yeah. Now I just can't tell the chicks I'm crying bogus. Maybe these terms. She's a badger. Hey. And then there's a call down to the front desk. You know, I have a little problem because they're going to blame you. So there's the mental ad part of this. I know you're an advocate for all these people, Fred, but I'm just saying, you know, I'm just saying factor in a few points saying a five is a five.
I got off my back going back. You know, you may remember me. I'd like to reserve the room. I was here during spring. Oh, you're the guy. Yeah, sure. We're both like, oh, ten years later, maybe it was some friends. Oh, yes. Your friend. Of course, that can happen. If you're the maid that had to clean that room, you would receive probably a higher score call and I'd give you a Martine's.
Yeah. Yeah, the maids are probably God knows what if I was a maid, I'd write a book. You mentioned stories made seven hotels. Oh, I know, but. Oh my God. I mean, especially like, I don't know, Vegas in the 60s or something like that. Hey, Aaron. Yes. Hobo power storage place. Yeah. I'm just going to try to make it as quick as possible, OK? It's kind of a long story.
I've pretty much worked in food service industry my whole life and you do come across some pretty stinky stuff, even even though you are working around food around so that people are going to consume. Well, back when I was in school, when I was in culinary school, we had a project. We had to cure fish. So you take whole grains of sand and essentially salt them, put them on a great and let it drip. And it essentially preserves it dries it out.
Well, being in school, it's not always done correctly. And there was some salmon being cleared up on a shelf, you know, walk in cooler that was up there for at least two weeks. And it was up there, unbeknownst to me, dripping onto a tray. I reached up not knowing was on there, what was on there. And the funk, the juice that was on the pan just slid right off right into my face in my mouth.
I didn't swallow any. Yeah, in my eyes, in my nose. And it took me a second to realize what it is that did in your hair. Yeah, in my hair, down my shirt. And I'm hunched over because, you know, it's freezing cold. Yeah. And I don't know what it was at first. And then the smell hits me and it was so bad I literally threw up inside the walk in cooler.
It's that that would make it even worse. Yeah. And the guy in the hotel room with a fecal matter in the bed would probably have killed for it to be Samin. Yeah, but now they throw up in the food cooler. That has to look good again. But the deduction of points here is the cooler car. Yeah.
You know, well, the thing is, the thing is when bacteria grows, when it's cold, it grows stronger and it takes longer for it to go bad. But it was horrible. I was surprised that it went bad, that it got that bad. I couldn't believe it. Salmon's pretty noble fish, too. I got a duck, you know, it was it did touch his mouth, OK? I didn't swallow it on the air. And I'm feeling you did.
Yeah, you did throw up. Yes. And and I'm not really good throw up. And I started just a teeny bit which didn't think but yeah it was still pretty bad. Shat himself slightly uncomfortable when I was going to give you a twenty one Aaron. Oh wow. Yeah. I'm very generous. Yeah. But I'd like to hear the call from the janitor who had to come in. You know, you have to give him like in the forty so.
Well you know, he had to mop it up. Well the vomit too. Yeah. The mop, the vomit had to be had to be rough too. All right, Aaron, feel proud you've won the hobo power. But again, the competition was very weak. Yes. Sorry, guys. I appreciate that. Smellier next time. I think I would have gone I would have given the price to the guy who was neighbor died because that can affect you on so many smaller party was 32 and a new guy.
A new guy. Oh, was it. Oh, I thought he OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a trip over the body yourself. You want to go and power our. You got some news left over for us. I do. Right. How about you sit in. We'll talk some news. Wonderful. What's happened today. Nothing is ever good happens on the news does it. No, no. This is good.
I feel like this this is a story from the world of science. Mm hmm. It turns out gaydar really does exist. They have been able to prove that gay people are more able to pick out fellow homosexuals. Mm hmm.
Now, some Dutch researchers looked at weather straight and gay people focus their attention differently when faced with the problem. This is what they did, they gave men and women pictures of outlines of shapes, right to the outlines of large squares and rectangles, each of which was packed with smaller shapes. Our brains are wired to take in the bigger picture, meaning that if we are shown a square filled with rectangles and asked what's inside, we can easily be fooled into saying squares.
Right, follow. Yeah, sure. When the men and women were asked similar questions, the heteros replied, No, I have to focus again. Now we focus. We go from wide to small. We start outside and work inside.
Is that time you're shown an outline of large squares and rectangles, each of which was packed with smaller shapes. Our brains are wired to take in the bigger picture exactly like what you're saying, meaning if we're shown a square filled with rectangles, a squat, we just see the square. And so our brain will suddenly go, Oh, those are squares inside that if you saw a square packed full of fudge, that would be. Hmmm, well, that's not necessarily a shape.
Well, I mean, like a square, I guess, to be rectangular pan. Well, mean you're gay for saying they asked men and women similar questions that heterosexuals replied more quickly but were less accurate. This according to the journal Frontiers in Cognition. The homosexuals took longer but got more answers right, particularly when asked about smaller shapes, suggesting they were able to see the small details, as well as the big picture or other able to see the trees as well as the forest.
So this is where the design and the making of the gowns and the jewelry and the more detail oriented. One could argue that in everyday life, this attention to detail could help one be better at a better in the military at all things. There you go. Right. You never know what kind of tests they're going to perform, that little, you know, study. Oh, that means he's gay or white, that this means he's, you know, a sexist.
He's a racist. You never know where you're going to get caught up here. And, hey, does that mean, you know, you don't you don't like Jews? Oh, wait a minute. I didn't say that. I just see I noticed a box. It has certainly. Yeah, but it does prove, you know, those annoying things would always amazes me not to get off the news where they show you two lines with the arrows.
That one you think is longer than the other. An optical illusion drives you nuts. Yeah, I drive you nuts. OK, go ahead. But this is so that you can tell now that they may be able to use that in the don't ask, don't tell and the Army now.
But this is what I'm saying. Yeah. This is a reason why you want gay soldiers to be better marksmen and talibe. Less, less friendly fire. Right. You know what I mean. Yeah. No accidental shootings go. You take in more information more accurately. Pat Tillman still be alive if he a game battalion. Battalion. Yeah, yeah. He's in fabulous company instead of Charlier. Bravo. This is the first time that scientific proof has been found for the existence of a GHADAR mechanism.
There is a guy walking around and killed Pat Tillman, right? Friendly, friendly fire. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, there's the guy who killed Pat Tillman is walking around. Well, it came out of someone's gun and everyone knows his gun. It was maybe kill himself. It may if he was lucky he was killed himself. But if not, he's just walking around with this knowledge. Right. Like I killed the that Tillman. Oh, I mean, right.
He he knows it like I mean, he could probably narrow it down to two or three guys, but he is a guy in there who probably has a pretty good idea. Put a bullet in the Pat Tillman. Right. He's probably justified it by now. In some way, though, you know, it's the military. You do what you have to do. You justify things. Right? This is probably Eagles fan. But the problem is I'm saying, well, he probably wasn't a Cardinal fan, let's put it that way.
But that probably didn't factor in. And I'm just saying the poor guy has to walk around with that knowledge. You know, word gets out and his immediate family and his little circle and they don't want to bring it up. But every once in a while, it comes up at a football game or something like that. I mean, I really I'm kidding around. But how miserable an existence. I mean, I know people. I you know, here's what I want to say.
The guys who get drunk and kill a kid walking home from school who are actually bad people, I think they do brush that stuff off. Like I do feel like O.J. sort of had had a double double homicide where that was water off a duck's ass. Like, I think that went right past him. And I think there's a lot of people that do a lot of really shitty things, but they're bad people, so it doesn't stick. But I'll bet you the guy who killed Pat Tillman was a good person.
And for good people, we get haunted by that shit. That's the sad part.
We'll think of all the friendly fire incidents. You know, that's not the only one. What a horrible thing, because it's a mistake. Anybody could make it. You're under pressure. You're scared. Right. And and I'm sure it happens more often than we know. Oh, yeah. And normally it's from the safety of your F-16 or something and you just hit the wrong convoy or whatever. And that's got to be horrifying. And, you know, if you ever hear those cockpit conversations, they're put up, they just make you want to cry for the guys.
Like, are you sure that was one of ours? We did get confirmation on that. It's like, but this is the most famous friendly fire example. And to be that guy makes you the kind of poster child for friendly fire. But anyway, what we're talking about, we were talking about the perceptual style.
Oh, yeah. They wouldn't get into that friendly fire possibly. Right? They would have. But they they they were able to solve these problems more accurately, these shapes.
Now, this was a very small. Scale study that the Dutch did, but it's interesting because if you can if you can, if you are more accurate, the shapes perhaps are more accurate in assessing who else is gay.
Well, you have to spot a yellow bandana hanging out of a guy's right pocket at 100 hundred yards with like three cosmopolitans in neon, a dark night. I mean, Alan, the run, you know, on a vest. But he really does take a certain amount of concentration. Yeah, sorry, Fred. Is that your standard of measurement there? That's just my my take on this is you get a heterosexual guy who takes his test. He's good looking.
The bugs, a school. I don't know what are they boxing? What what do you want? This square? They're square. Come on, let's go out, have a drink with a gay guy. Might take it more. OK, you give me the test. Let me concentrate a little more. That might be the only thing. Maybe they focus more, maybe focus my understanding. But, you know, you give a bunch of guys that they're looking at boxes, much boxers, by the way, for you, it reminds you of a slice of bread.
You know, like, come, let's get a barbecue joint. I'm hungry just hearing the word square. It's really I was glad you sold you sold a little sandwich package here at the studio. I was so glad you like to purchase a ham and cheese sandwich. Oh, like an airline.
Yeah, right. We can't afford to just give away anymore. Yeah. What else is new. Well yes.
And you know, friends like classy. So I'm a little embarrassed to do this. Reality star.
He's got your luggage. Yeah. Let's see. OK, I had to do this one because you know now Fred, back when we were doing our show on FM, I was banned from doing bestiality stories. So now I'm I'm sure it's going to get old in a week or so. Now she's purging herself safe.
You know, it's a lot of people have a lot of love to give Teresa a lot of bestiality stories to tell. Well, you can't have saved up bestiality without best. Yeah, that's true right there. That's true. Best in show.
A transient man suspected of sexually abusing a horse in the San Lorenzo Valley. I don't think you can sexually abuse anything that weighs a thousand pounds more than you that has to be consensual. You know, I mean, the horse. No, I don't care if it's a horse or Shaquille O'Neal. You cannot sexually abuse something that weighs a thousand pounds. Yeah, I don't think this horse would stand for it. He probably didn't. Even with the horse wasn't enjoying the experience the horse would have exactly enjoyed.
He may have said, what the hell is going on? I don't care. You know, just give me some hay ride.
If a woman saw him fleeing the scene naked from the waist down. Wow, this guy was really in love, huh? Yeah. He was a committed to this. It wasn't just, you know. No, this is if he was on, you know, were the flowers involved. His horse was eating oats.
I tell you, I can I am aware of a lot of things sexually, you know, you and your secret life. You can imagine a lot of things sexually that you might do or bestiality goes across the line. I can't picture an animal is not. No, I don't I don't get it. Well, also, the just the fact I mean, there are certain things you do where you have to admit that you're that person. Like, sure, humping a Doberman feels fantastic, but you have to look in the mirror the next day and go, you know what I do?
I make Humper of Dobermans. And that's, by the way, not a great breed to rape. But but as I would be a good one, you want to stay away from the ones with the you know, the you know, that have a lot of job power like Rottweilers and dhobis and pit bulls and things like that for me. Labs, OK, yeah. Things like that is sweet. Yeah. Of yappy ones. No, no you don't want.
Yeah. Like a pug. They don't want a Chihuahua. What does a.. Have what's called Pug's eyes fall out.
Yeah. Right, right. You don't want to take anything in there. So this guy was having sex with a horse. Yeah. He tied the horse to a tree at the far end of a field. And the owner of the horse, she called for the animal. But it did not come, of course, because it was tied to a tree being allegedly being raped. Little wildfire couldn't get to his owner by this 41 year old transient female horse.
That's a good question. Time does not say, you know, I feel sorry for the next guy who tries to ride the horse like, oh, yeah, not this time. You can always horse you on the forehead, buster, because the horse probably collected itself and then got angry like a Jodie Foster movie and went like, fuck this. And so now it's like all teenage girls. Come here, Daisy, come here. Let me get on it.
Get the fuck out of here. Remember, again, this is going to be like Susan Sarandon, Thelma and Louise, which can be a little trigger happy. Right? He's already had an incident. That's right. He didn't stick up for herself then. Exactly what happened? I don't know. I got to say, I don't think the horse care, you know. I was just reading the Kentucky Derby, you know, you get on a horse and these poor things, they run a mile and a quarter and these jockeys are whipping them on and they're running full.
And I don't think oh, I don't think they know there's a horse. No, he's in a race or he has to win. Or is it just do they have any there's a horse who is being sexually assaulted, care or know or just. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think they take on the victim mentality. No, I just assume it's a human to do the right ones. Now he's doing something that they're going to pop up on the Tyra Banks.
You get branded horses or those cows criminal or is the point being ridden by, you know, first off, anyone who saw Bonanza, that guy, Hoss Blocher, I think the guy's name was like he was a good two hundred and eighty five pounds. Yeah. That fat ass on your back all day. Light dusting of Arabia from transient. Yeah. Transient. And also, if you really think about if you see those those breeding farms, you know, a horse is quite substantial between the loins there, you know.
Oh yeah. Hobo penis that basically like being raped with a chapstick, you know what I mean. I ain't got no horse. Yeah. That's, that's an appetizer. That's a palate cleanser. I don't even know if they knew it. They could not charge him with a sexual crime, but they needed to charge him with something. So they were able to charge him on animal cruelty because the rope used to tie the horse. The tree was coarse and the horse suffered abrasions on its neck.
That's that's you. That's abuse. But now here's another person who was abused. OK, this story is from the Mercury News. I started out as a newspaper reporter, and sometimes you get assigned a very lame story. For example, no one wants an obit. Now, this gal, Jennifer Squires letter, she said, listen, we got a man raping a horse. Jen, you're on it. Yeah. I need you to change. And you do a wonderful job with this livestock stuff.
I mean, nobody writes a column about a hobo rape and livestock like you. Nobody. I mean, you are the best. So so let me just get this straight. How did she catch the guy who was fleeing the scene? She saw him down. She just caught she saw him fleeing and then she identified him from a lineup. And that's why everyone needs to carry around a shotgun filled with rock salt. I mean, there's probably a lot of this stuff going on around the turn of the century, but rock salt solved every problem.
And by the way, you just saw a mug shot of the guy who has red hair. If you have red hair, you should be wear that when you're committing a crime because it's easy to pick you out, isn't it? Yeah, well, listen, I take it a step further. You know, again, I don't want to talk about all my great inventions have been ripped off. But, you know, I have this idea, Fred.
I think you've been married for a while. But, you know, once in a while you have a dalliance outside your relationship, talked in private over some barbecue about it. There I am, invention for a condom with a birthmark attached to it. So that in case because because at some point they'll do that thing where they'll have to look at Michael Jackson's Pepé or whoever's Pepé to go. Yeah, yeah. Well, if you had a huge, you know, quarter sized birthmark that was built into the condom when you took it off and eventually got busted and they had to examine your junk, they'd go, no, that's not the one.
He had a birthmark on his condoms with birthmarks built into him. For guys who like to cheat on the road, then what do you think? Right. That's that's a lot of thought that when you got to assume that there was a lot of up close observation of it, I assume.
Yeah, there's going to be. I mean, that's part of the plan. Yeah. And then the police will say, you know, go through your bill for what are these condoms with birthmarks on them, you see. Oh yeah. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. We have a record that you purchased several dozen birth condoms, condoms. They weren't mine. They were friends. I'm just assuming anyone who rapes a horse that's just you're just drunk, right?
Well, it's a transient. Yeah. There's a good chance he probably was abusing alcohol and he hung around long enough for the horse's owner to call.
He heard the calling horse.
The good news is, is ABC as a replacement for Jennifer Love Hewitt new show that the one really the horse raper, they got rid of the Ghost Whisperer. Yeah, you're right.
Now, that Friday night slots and the horse raper, I'm, you know, working title. But who is going to star? I mean, it's the guy who plays The Mentalist, that guy, Simon Baker, Simon Baker, the horse rapper. And yeah, he just goes around horses or I see kind of a situation the. I see more. Oh, yeah. Now, would you want it to be stable, is locked who locked the stable?
We'll be right back. We do a thing like a thing where it's like they're sitting around the table and there's a precocious five year old and they say, honey, what would you like for your fifth birthday? And she says, I want a pony. And we all look at the guy and he goes, What do you want for me? Well, there you go. They laugh it up pretty good. You go. That's 13 weeks on a cable.
Easily. Easily. Or do you do it? One camera, Curb Your Enthusiasm style, where it's more improvised and you can have Fred Willard. That's his strong suit. Could be. I see a three camera sitcom trying to normalise it. Yeah. Yeah. What's the wildest, wackiest situation we could get this guy in?
Mm hmm. Right. Right. And Stable are coming over dinner yesterday over dinner. And Stanley a jockey. Yeah. Yeah.
Laffite, your face looks familiar. Hey, your face looks familiar. Well, I don't know who you hanging around the racetrack. Not that I know. I have been to a racetrack. Yeah, I could see the guy volunteered to shovel the crap out of the stalls. No one does that for free. Now, looking back like most sitcoms is, they're usually like sort of an upbeat message at the end because that's hard when it's horse racing. Well, yeah.
Well, you know, let me let me handle this one, Fred. I mean, if we're going to go pictures, I mean, because I feel like you're going to get love. Who could object to love? Yeah. It's ultimately an animal planet, I think would be a good network to start. I'm just saying, if Fred and I if we pitch this around town, you know, you'll and your name will get us in to the office.
Absolutely. And then once we get in, I'll I'll I'll kind of handle the talking to talking to you just kind of jump in with some you know, you sort of laugh it up a little bit and then jump in with it. You know, kids love horses and this guy really loves horses. And you put them on the defensive. Right. Executives say, oh, you don't like this. Do you have some issue about having sex with animals?
Have you ever been sexually attracted to it? Well, no, I haven't. It's just that our our time schedule. Look at the. Yeah, but, sir, I just am wondering, I we haven't had this reaction to it. And by the way, it's you know, it's not derivative. It's not like another show about raping a horse. That's right. I think we touched a sensitive nerve here at. Yeah. Well, no, no, leave it on my desk.
I'll concede. And we do that thing where you go. We got some heat over at CBS, so. Yeah, got to go over there this afternoon and talk to we didn't know really. What's the. I think you protest too much. Yeah. Yeah. And we turn it on. There you go. That's right. That's right. That's good. Yeah. It was really good. When it does well and Variety has to cover the story, they can have a headline like Horse Rapist Wins by a Nose.
That's right. Right. It beats the other shoe in for an me. Yeah. You know, that kind of thing. Yeah. But from behind and there it was. Yeah I was right on the inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, I'm not said that that's a good pitch. Yeah. Soup to nuts. We got it. Yeah. We going to change the subject. Yeah. That's a good place to end the news.
Yeah. We got some news. Some good news. Some good news. That's good. I'm so tired of bad news Fred.
Theresa's here in the news. Fuck you, CNN. That's Fred Willard back in 2010 on The Adam Carolla Show, pitching very interesting, three cameras.
Those is my vacation. Yeah, I love him. And may he rest in peace before we get to the next clip or remind everybody about Tommy John.
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Before we start with that next step, I want to thank you again for remastering Fred Willard clip. I think we're we should start calling him mastered.
I'm actually going back and it for every single episode, which is challenging because about fifty episodes takes like seven hundred minutes just in opening the file, cleaning it up, exploring the file doesn't count like anything else. So it's a very brutal process in doing this. But I love doing it for the classics. And this next clip actually took even more remastering or remastering as I recall. Yeah, it's mastered.
So earlier this week we had Jay more on the show. He did countless number of impressions and we love whenever Jane Adam gets together because he's so silly. They're they're both just brilliant and they feed off each other really well.
Well, back in 2010, Jane Moore came in and it was more of the same.
It was again after another bit of absence from each other's presence, because then what happens is they'll end up being together a bunch, a bunch, a bunch of them won't come on for a year or two years or something. In this case had been a while since they see each other and they came on in June of 2010. This is Adam Crosio, three thirty nine, just three episodes later. And while they're still getting the sound process figured out, this one had an issue where if you actually look at the audio file, looks like a small needle and then all Brian's sound effects are like pecky like clipping.
So it just completely out of whack. So I went through and I read compressed and normalized all this. So I've never actually heard this interview sound like this before. It's a lot more listenable. Adam and Jay go deep on the wolf scene from Pulp Fiction and we get another cavalcade, a smorgasbord of impressions from Jay. We have reason, Brian, all around a great clip. It's basically an hour and 45 minute to hour episode. I shaved down to about an hour to check it out.
Moore is a dear, dear friend who I've not seen in a while. Oh, and a piece of paper for Chambord High J. J can be Twittered at Gmur. Thirty seven great CIJ followers on Twitter. So I almost feel like we're friends. Yes, my wife follows J quite closely. I know some people do.
Yeah. Little Tracy Morgan for everybody trying to get pregnant and that dog puppy Tracy. Do you feel like Tracy's kind of doing Tracy now do you feel like he's almost doing a caricature of himself? You know, it's amazing. Is Tracy found this bizarre character to do on 30 Rock where they like this is how she really talks all the time. Right. But on 30 Rock, we have to write all my dialogue out phonetically. Right. Just completely changed the way he talks.
I'm so glad people pay money to hear me talk. Now I have to go upstairs into the office. But is he. Yeah, I'll get your name. I heard you being interviewed by Terry Gross on NPR, and it was riveting. He broke down crying. Really?
Yeah. Dude, you're a drunk. I've done that. We've all done that when you're drunk. Like the bartenders with drunk. Is he sober? Is he insane? Like you've been around a million years, I guess. Norm MacDonald nuts. Well, you know Morgan nuts. You know, my criteria. We talked about my wife, by the way, says tell Adam Corolla I love him. I love that guy. Sounds hot.
I love that guy. Sounds hot. Adam Carolla and I is this bizarre setup you got here and you got that guy like CGY from Tenacious D over there. All right. We're going to put it over there. That's one of the first things nutty guys do, which is they sit down, andI Dekel, do this all the time, like go sit down. You'll be doing a radio show and they'll go like, wow. Oh, hey, what's up?
Yeah. Oh, good. Thanks. No sense of speed. It's like, yeah, there's no sensation. I will watch Andy Dick go on to Jimmy Kimmel's show and see Don Barris, who's doing audience warm up for Jimmy Kimmel and literally sit down next to Jimmy and go, oh, oh, Windy City. Yeah, I dug that, that that. Yeah. That's the guy from the movie. Not the half and not the half. Very pleased to the hour, but seriously, it's off fucking camera.
It's like, don't they normally do that? You know, my criteria for crazy people is love to hear it. Could you talk your way out of a mental hospital? Oh yeah, but it's normal. Norm MacDonald could not talk. I'm not saying McDonald's crazy. Right. But we all know are, you know, crazy drives crazy. Right, right. Like if Tracy Morgan was yelling, get this butterfly net off of me, you wouldn't you wouldn't do it.
I don't belong here because I miss my daughter. And my favorite book is Scruples. Like they'd go, well, obviously we can't release him, right. Norm MacDonald just woke up in a mental hospital. They'd be like, hey, there's a guy down the hall, if you like, a 20 minute coverage. Like he was in his pajamas. But I notice they didn't match. But I just thought if you're in a place like this, a loony bin, if you will, you know, you don't have many amenities.
So you may want to focus on the few you have matching. And they'd say, well, this guy obviously belongs here. Yeah, I sounds hot. How do you work with Norm MacDonald, by the way? Like, I was dealing with some producers I was having some issues with. And I said to my agent, I said, listen, I would consider myself as a comedian for a comedian, very reasonable to work with a very reasonable, fair minded.
So if they can't handle me, what would happen if they did a deal with Norm MacDonald? The show ran for four years. My show got canceled. And to write how the fuck like how do you forget getting we can curse. How do you talk? Is my show canceled? You take it man. Fuck. Did they cancel? No. Majano Every time I got a little uncomfortable MacDonald's show run for four years, my wife was on it.
How to play it drained. Norma Cox played a dirty whore. So Norm MacDonald would show up for work every day on time prepared. Oh, I don't know. I don't know why so negative. We let World love Norm MacDonald. He's what he and you or two of my favorite guests. Really? Yeah. You guys were exceptionally nice to me. Some people just ignored me, which is probably best. But why is it so nice out now?
You sound like my wife. Why would it be best if somebody ignored you? Well, they sometimes they didn't. They know who Adam is, but they don't know what I'm doing. But you're sitting right there. That's why it was weird when they would ignore me, but it would frequently happen. Let me who is an asshole that came in because we talk about who's great.
Yeah, so but you I think you have to spread when people are the greatest story I've ever heard and you need to spread when people are assholes. Yeah, but you also need to spread. People are great. I'll tell you, somebody who is really disappointing because this is somebody who I admire and I think is incredibly fine. But I think the problem was she came in and she was a huge fan of Adam, not the Maya Angelou story poetry.
And I wanted. No, no, I'm kidding. Know, that person wasn't rude, but they only came when she kept with the poetry is like smoke me just. Yeah. Thank you, Joan Rivers. I was kind of disappointed because I. I really admire Joan Rivers. That's something she loves, Adam, because you write like she's a cunt. The whole point of light on a certain level because she there was irreverent and Joan obviously loved Adam, but she had no use for me.
He's gay. She treated you like so sick. Frank Morris, Frank Marino, the Joan Rivers, the reaction, which I kind of understood because I'm not the important person in the room, but you can learn a lot about somebody. But I'm surprised that I mean, what, she like a bitch to you or just ignored me, kind of. Who was like an absolute like no one talks to me that way. I don't think anybody was really outside of Theresa's family.
Shut up. Yeah, that's are people. She worked with me, but I had a joke. I was her I'm friends with her daughter, Melissa. Our kids play together. And Joan, they were getting ready for, like their Sader, their Jewish dinner there and everything. I feel like I like echolalia, like everything in my head. Sounds like I'm talking like normal area right over there at a Jewish dinner there. You know, that Jewish dinner because Norman gets echolalia and he can't stop saying certain things.
Oh, yeah, yeah, he does Jewish dinner, but it gets funny. Yeah. Or like he loves the H and like like what do you mean. Yeah. Crouere. Yeah. So I was at the house and I had to go to Mass or something and she said something like don't don't forget to tell them that the Jews killed Christ. You know, she didn't sound like Colin Quinn like I wrote it, but I go, the Jews didn't kill Christ.
If you read the Bible, the Romans killed Christ. The Jews just went right. Like, that's all I said. And she's like, I'm going, can I like. She called me for like ten days. Like, can I be like that's going into the act. Right. That's a good bit for Joan. And I go, Yeah. And then she goes, what else, what else you got really. And I go, you know, they're like, you know, guy looks kind of like a hippie.
I mean, look at the shoes. He's barefoot. You know, you you're writing for Joan Rivers. Just that one thing we elaborated on. So she was cool. Maybe it's like I don't know why.
I don't know why he's a legend. Maybe in my mind I was going to meet this legend and she was going to see that we were kindred spirits when really she just is coming to do the Adam Carolla Show. And why should she care who I am? I want to say on The Adam Carolla Show, everyone says hi to fucking Uncle Frank. I want to on Jimmy show. How the fuck was Uncle Frank pistol carrying officer of the law? Was he your first you were going Uncle Frank.
It's funny. Yeah, funny. Uncle Frank, his uncle Frank has done a weird thing, an evolutionary thing. This is Jimmy's uncle Frank. He has that thing that old men have where everything goes to pot except for your hand strength. Somehow you fucking crush walnuts between your fingers at an old age, but everything else goes. But that and Uncle Frank, when he talks to people, repels people for the most part, like he just had them.
Tell me tell Jimmy he always does. To tell Jimmy, like, hey, listen, tell Jimmy he should run for mayor of Hollywood and to tell Jimmy, tell, you know, and as I say. And so everyone who talks to Uncle Frank tries to escape. Right. So Uncle Frank talks to you. He takes his right hand and he locks it onto your upper arm. And he does this weird. You tell Jimmy and I realized why is he grandma?
When I was years of evolution, of people escaping or going out to let me get another devil. Dang, but I'll tell him when I get to the track. The years have made him grab onto people's arm. That seems kind of endearing, but it's really like a bear trap that you can't escape the conversation from. You're funny, but real quick. Yeah. So what about that entire story separates him from the herd as far as comics? Well, a few things towards what devils did, right?
There are a lot of foods that are less funny, but he didn't like he didn't like sit down like Dennis Miller and craft like 60 Minutes. Incredible work was right there. That's great, Uncle Frank. I'm going to go get a deviled eggs. I'll be right. Like, just not. That is like when was the last time you had a fucking deviled eggs a year? It was at least now know was it probably had it if it was there or something like that?
I don't know. I like deviled eggs, but I don't eat deviled eggs. And are there I know for a fact there are no deviled eggs at the Jimmy Kimmel show. No, he doesn't keep deviled eggs, but deviled eggs just rolled off the tongue. But hilarious. Well, maybe I'll sell it to Joan Rivers. I was just thinking. Yeah. Oh, did you love deviled eggs? That's like the biggest cocksucker to you. Nobody, really.
I mean, I would say we had some women that were horrible, but they're not really celebrities. So it's hard. It's hard to do. But speaking of dicks, Jayma, I want to do two things. I want to give your book a plug, but I also want to talk about your transition from Dick to swear to God. And one of my parents drink is your book. Yes, that's right. No wonder my parents drank. It is out is selling about a quarter of much of Sarah Silverman's book.
Really like even now now its third week and she's been out like two months. But I heard her book wasn't selling gangbusters, know her advance was so crazy. It's really a matter of fact, no matter what she sells, they're never going to make their money back. But the company they have and they have Sarah Palin. So it doesn't matter what anybody else sells, they're in business for saying that's the Sarah America would embrace. Yes. Of the two.
Yes, Governor Palin. Yes, I. Yeah, but but Jay, we spoke about this on on our radio program a couple of years back, but and we're talking about who's an asshole, who's not a whole. And Jay readily admitted that he used to be an asshole. Is that true or am I putting words in your mouth?
No, that's correct. And, you know, enough people will have cautionary tales about you that at some point you have to realize I must have behaved in a way to make people have people must think people don't think you're an asshole because you played Bob Sugar. Right. There has to be something more than that where when your name comes up, people are like, you brought it up by saying and I'm going to talk about myself positively, but it's only because I'm saying what you said you said in the conversation.
I remember it was it was a neat conversation, my favorite subject for me and comedy with one of my favorite guys. But you said you're one of the comics that for some reason people have a hard time giving it up, just saying, yes, that guy is fuck you didn't curse. But you said I think you might have even said that guy is really funny. And you said that you'll say it to other comics and they almost begrudgingly go, yeah, I guess.
And you'll have said that you'll say often, no, like he's really funny. Yeah. Why is that? And I said, because I was an absolute I was just a jerk. Right. So it was a very circuitous route to. Yes, yeah. No, it's I wasn't I know when you're it's like Stalin was an awesome juggler, but nobody wants to admit it, not just making that up. But the point is, is what Stalin really fucked when they don't really know.
Yeah, well, you know, when Hitler gets all the rap, but Stalin was the guy post-war. We're like got a higher body count that. Yeah, but like post-war when like Truman went over there, like, all right, what are we going to do? It sounds like, hey, thanks for the help. Right. Go fuck your mother's mouth. Right. I'm doing this other thing over here. And and that was that was really kind of crazy.
It doesn't get his due in terms of, you know, again, his body count. But I realized, like, when people do that thing when they like somebody, then it's very easy for them to explain, you know, how funny they are, how witty they are, whatever. And when they don't, they have trouble giving it up. And, you know, I always I would say I just thought Jay and still think Jay is immensely talented.
Like, I you know, I thought Jay was really funny. But the fact that he does kick ass Tracy Morgan and Norm McDonald at the same time just makes you very talented and very funny. Don't get me started on for the Food Network running into people didn't want to give it up. And by the way, I've had this conversation with people where I said Jay Moore is now a nice guy and you should let it go. Yeah, he's been.
Really? Yes. And he said he's no.
Dear Caroll. No, still a dick. And you don't know it because you're such a fucking soft touch is just because he likes you. You're saying he's a nice guy now. And I said no. I think Jay Moore is legitimate. And he knee jerk response is who said that? But I don't know what I do. I don't want to know. I want get know my business. But listen, that's like something where people like my wife when we met, I had this reputation.
People said be like, watch out, Jay Haw, right? And I said, if you knew how. Many nights I was alone at the Doubletree in Tempe masturbating, yeah, and not having sex with anybody, which is like all of them. Right, like how I got this because I had a big mouth and I talked, like right now we were going out and conquering Hooters. Right. You. But I'm I'm that's very funny to me that you've had the conversation after the fact.
People have said that Adam spends half his time just trying to prove to people that you're not a jerk. Yeah, three quarters. I hope it's more of a I'd like to mix Lin in there somehow, like in charting the pie chart of Adam's time amission, but, yeah. Putting new flags up at the castle. Well, look, you know, first off, you know, Jay came on the radio show and, you know, adequate it went fuck you.
Who said I was a dick? Jay Jay said, you're right. I was a dick and I'm no longer dick. And then we got into it a little bit. What motivated that and what motivated the change and what got you there in the first place? And I'd like to kind of revisit it because I think it's I think it's interesting. And I also think I think that change is done.
There is no way I think that change is one of the I think it's you know, when people do that thing where they go, well, what separates us from the animal kingdom, you know, what's why are we better than monkeys or why why are we different than monkeys or irony or dolphins or anything, having a sense of humor and irony there that we're going to die being away, we're going to die. But the ability to change, like the ability to change, is something that's completely ignored by many Americans.
Yet it's really our most positive attribute as human beings, not as Americans, but just as global citizens. The ability to go, hey, I do this really well and this I don't do so well and I can actually fix it and enjoy myself. So you had to come to Jesus and realize that I came to Nicole every you know, I met my wife. I think my wife had a lot to do with it because when I met her, I've been operating for probably fifteen years under the mantra of my way or the highway.
And I had to explain to people like, Hey, man, I got to get to where I'm going. And I leave a big wake behind me like a rooster tail on a boat. But where did that come from? Being the youngest kid on your street and just kind of get beaned with and beat up and be the youngest kid on the wrestling team, being the youngest kid on the baseball team, being the youngest kid on travel and wrestling and traveling baseball teams, being sixteen, doing stand up comedy and being surrounded by thirty.
When you were young on SNL two. Yeah. And then, you know, not like just constantly. I mean, I was born needing to be paid attention to like I was born I was a batched child because of the large family and you not getting oh, just parents. I think it's just sometimes the way your hard drive is installed. I just came out. Look at me. Look at me. That's just right. I never felt satiated by that.
Never. So if you can imagine how annoying I must have been prior to holding a microphone. Right. And that's why that's how you go from, like, why he's like not me. But when you look at kids and go, this guy so smart, what the fuck is this kid's prob? Why is this kid pulling CS? Right. It's because he just doesn't give a shit about right and it doesn't interest him. So I'd rather just do other things anyway.
But little did they know you'd go from pulling CS to pulling your own D in Tempe and just a few short years that joke was on them. Everybody don't tell Jeffrey. Yeah, so make a chicken and a man shows up.
So then it was constantly trying to, you know, having to be louder because I was six inches. This is a theory six inches shorter and fifty pounds lighter and, you know, trying to be funny or and louder and then getting into comedy, which is the ultimate look at me out there alone business. And then when you come off stage. No, like your peers don't give a shit because you know everybody, they're doing their own thing, you know.
Right. Like when you and I leave here, we'll have pleasant thoughts about each other. But you're going to go over there and we're just going to go over there and. Right. I thought Bush was going to go right. All right. So I'm not sure where I'm going with this, but I think it became you know, I was filled with a lot of anger. I always thought I should have been like five pieces ahead on the chessboard than where I was at all in my entire life.
From the time I was like as a child, like, why don't know, why aren't I going out with more people in the summer and playing more? And so it's like almost a constant sort of chip on the shoulder meets fire in the belly. Yes. But met with just a void, like they're just riding your bike through New Jersey alone. And and and could it ever be felt like you go out, you do comedy, you slay the audience, you've clearly done well, do you then go back?
Can feel good that night. Oh, yeah, and does it wear off by the following day or are you still riding once? I think once your head once. Once you're the reason people have assembled. Mm hmm. That really takes throws a lot of sandbags off the side of the hot air balloon ride. Like, there's really not a lot to everyone who's been lynched, by the way. I will, because I'm about I'm going to a lynching right after this.
But that's not funny. James Landale can be so now you're doing your headlining. People are assembling to see more but apparently during that period was like the height of asshole ness somehow when you started headlining, but before you were on TV both like they kind of happened simultaneously, you know. And I think it's also breaking balls a lot like him coming up with guys like East Coast Comics, New York comics, you literally sit on a stoop outside the comedy club and just crush each other.
Right. And when you just walk into, say, like the Laugh Factory and go up to Dane Cook, who is just a guy that was the Laugh Factory when I was there a lot, and go, hey, what's wrong with your face? Just start fucking laying into a guy. And he's just you know, you don't know what this guy just had happen at his apartment or, you know, he probably you know, maybe he had diarrhea or was mad at somebody.
And you just come in killing people. They think you're an ass. They don't think it's funny. Right. I still have. You know, sometimes my wife will go was a little aggressive, like you were talking. Excuse me, you're talking to the waiter, like breaking his chops. And to me, I'm like, no, like, I was being super like I was the big funny guy. Like, I was making his day. Like, you thought he was in on the joke.
My wife received that. Yeah. It's a little like he wasn't really in on the joke as much as you think he was. Right. But that's something like I'm completely unaware of once in a while still. Yeah, but but but I think the difference now is it's never like I never really want to hurt his feelings the first time I take this off because I know it's making sound. The first time my wife and I took Teresa and her then to be husband out for dinner, I announced to her with a straight face when she got her food put in a doggy bag that if I was paying, she wasn't taking home.
The food that I sold was yeah, I did the real straight face and I said, look, if I pay, I take home the food. And right now it's half of you know, it's half a pork chop. But tomorrow it's going to be a toss out and the day after that's going to be a rack of lamb, you know, when there's deviled eggs. And what's to stop you from ordering a couple of sandwiches for tomorrow and having me paying and taking that home.
So it's understands my policy and no hard feelings, by the way, eat up. But whatever you leave, it comes home with me. And I didn't know Theresa believed me until I opened the refrigerator the following day and found two two pork chops. One was my wife's and the other was Theresa's. And it was my now husband's time boyfriend. Very intimate and gross to eat someone's pork. The point is this half eaten pork chop. But to you, believe me.
Well, I just erred on the side, of course. And your husband must have driven home saying what a fucking asshole kids are bigger ass on the planet who buys dinner and then announces he's taking home your dog.
That was partially a joke. No, but I thought, why not give you the leftovers?
Well, Adam knows you got to get into the deep water. Like, if you're a fighter, you got to get into the later rounds. Sure. If you're a comic, you've got to sell it. You've got to make it. Absolutely. I'm not bullshitting you. You're not taking home. And I'm putting my fucking foot down. You're not Theresa. You're not bringing that home. And I'm I'm guessing that some people and also I mean, let's face it, in our culture, there's many different cultures floating around and some of them aren't so fast on the upswing with the with the comedy.
Like, I'm still laughing. A Guatemalan man saying that it's not really not I.
I don't I wouldn't I can't imagine somebody perceiving Jay as a jerk any time within the last five years. Oh, it's all like you go on my Twitter page. Gaim were thirty seven. I tweeted that I was coming here. You people were apoplectic. The planets have aligned. They've said really. Yeah.
They were like, well you know what really won me over about Jay before I met him? I was reading his first book, gasping for air time. Right. So well written and I couldn't put it down. And then I recommended it to everyone in my family and everyone and everyone loved it. It's it's about his time on SNL and also his panic attacks and his taking of Klonopin, things I can't relate to at all. Well, don't know Jane Janus asshole face, but I got to say this as somebody who's recognized.
You're going to walk to an airport, somebody is going to ask you a could you sign something and you're going to say, I'm sorry, but I'm running late for my flight. And as you walk away, they're going to think there goes an asshole and have to be an asshole, or at least they're going to be perceived as an asshole quite a bit. But I think this just transcended that. Oh, yeah. And even now, like, I was with Delta Theresa, if you like, go on Twitter and just see what people say about me, like half my time on Twitter saying, really, why explain that?
Why am I a dick? Like, what did I say? Well, I don't even know what they're like responding to. But how then did you get out of this asshole? Apparently I haven't got the word on the street. No, no, I hear you have. You have in the minds of all, I realized that I had the rabbit in my mouth. And when you run enough races on the Greyhound track, eventually you realize, yeah, if I get out of here, I'm you know, if I get out of this box and do what I do, I'm going to finish pretty well.
That's a really weird analogy. I started off strong. Yeah. My wife said to me once or twice, I said I stopped doing comedy for like two years because, like, I hated it and I had like panic attacks on stage, which was completely new to me after treating my panic disorder and Saturday Night Live and being on stage is very structured. So I like that my panic is lack of structure and lack of control. So being on stage is incredibly structured.
Somebody introduces you speak for fifty five minutes, you walk off, you have an idea of like if you break your act into a three quarters, I don't know how you do it or just bullet points you have that you know you can touch on. It's a very structured thing. Right, right and right. But that what happened was the guy that Adam's talking about, the guy that was an asshole, wasn't an asshole anymore. But I still had the assholes act, right.
So every night I would go on stage, I would shit. I had shed my skin, the old Jane Moore and I had to go get the skin and cobble it together and talk about, like, eating ass. And like, I'd fuck the stool into, like, this this horrible, like, let's get laid and let's go party after the show anyway. And I'm not I don't drink and I don't cheat. And I don't like I don't want to have sex with anybody but my wife.
But I'm up there going like, fuck. So much like the whole act was about trying to get, like, pussy at the end of the show. Right. And that gave you the panic attacks again? Yeah, it was a dichotomy. I was a fan. I was a complete lie. I was the big fraud. And what I was saying was just this. It was just horror. And it wasn't funny to me. It was funny to them.
It's just that guy that I think is an asshole talking about eating ass and. Right. You know, like how many you get two knuckles deep into a blowjob, fellows. That's how, you know, you like just fucking disgusting, right? Still funny. Like I stand by it. Yeah, but not at all. The energy that I felt when I was not on stage. Right. So then I had to like for two years figure out what to do.
And it was my wife said, why don't you just take some time off and then when you go back on stage, you'll just tell stories. You'll be like you and it'll be more Lily Tomlin ish, like telling stories or like Cosby. Not right. There was no comparison, believe me, between these great comics. But the style of comedy is I'm not one of these guys. I listen. Oh, I don't know. I just say, guys, I've listened to old playing Cosby shit on the radio and I've been like, yeah, yeah, some of it's horrible.
But then there's that himself where he just just walks you through an evening. It all be Bill Cosby. Every night is the same. Right. Like we just started. Or to my brother Russell, whom I slept with. Right about him and his brother laying in bed right on my side of the bed. It's the whole the second album side. Well, who do you like? Speaking of comedians, Harland to me is the greatest ever. I agree.
One slot's like he's Michael Jordan. And then I think everyone always has Pryor. But I think there's an odd I think because of the sadness of Pryor and his addictions and his battle and his crack and getting his act together. But I mean, you could go to the store and just pick a Richard Pryor album, ones that you've heard of, like Bicentennial Nigger or like real famous ones. They're fucking horrible. Yeah, there is nothing funny on them for an hour now, I hear there's other ones where he's like, so memorize the entire Bicentennial Nigger album, by the way.
Oh, yeah. Your Dr. Drew at fourteen and Pasadena memorizing that.
Dr. Drew in the. That's the special the one special player did, though, there's two that are on film live on the Sunset Strip and the other one is just live. And I don't know which ones which one of them is really weird. It's on HBO and Sundance all the time. And the audience reaction shots looks like the audience from Apocalypse Now and the Playmate's come out of the helicopter, get shot like like Coppola shot it and so weird. And he has no like he has no set list.
He is like this guy came out of retirement to do a special and he forgot to bring like an act and one party go. He just walks over to the stool and goes going to have a sip of water to calm the fuck down. And he's like, but he's being serious like I am. I'm out of my fucking mind because I realized I didn't bring anything up here with me. Right. But then there's that one hour of comedy that Pryor does where he talks about, like lighting himself on fire dog, shooting his car.
That, to me, is a perfect hour. I'm of comedy. Yes. Dennis Miller, The Off White Album, A Perfect Hour of comedy. I drove to Yosemite with Kimmel once and we stopped at a truck stop. And we decide to get a Richard Pryor album just to listen to it on the way there. And I never really listen. I listen to George Carlin albums, but never listen to Richard Pryor. And this guy's a fucking legend and we just sort of listen to it.
And, oh, we also got a JJ Walker one, which was not a great choice. And it was sort of like, I'm sort of going, what the fuck? Like what? Harlette. Why is this not why am I not laughing? The thing I admired about George Carlin was his discipline, like this guy over the fact that he was coming up with all these new acts, even though he was rich and settled in this sort of undisputed king, like it was this weird thing.
It'd be like it'd be like if Mike Tyson never moved out of a shitty neighborhood, kept raising pigeons and did ten miles of roadwork every fucking morning at dawn. Like, really, you're the champ. You don't need to do this. Sit back, relax, cruise a little. You know, let me line up some tomato cans for you to cruise through. We'll give you some some extra belts. No, it's like he stayed hungry. He went out there and did my act with precision.
Tony Tucker. Yeah, that's Mike. Yeah, right. It's Jose Faribault, TNT. Tucker, it's right across your Smith is the truth. Williams Yes. It's Jesse Ferguson. Yes. Oh, God. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to. I'm going to Michael Dokes. I'm on tape. And I said, Brandon Marvis Frazier Marvelman. He fucked him up in twenty six. Oh worry about Marvis. Fraziers you know about that fight was Marvis was out on his feet but he couldn't fall because my kind of those wide world of sports that we see right now, that was the big like spittle of your boots.
That was the big like. Well let's see if he's for real. It's fucking Marvis Frazier bro. You go to Joe Frazier's boy, right? Marvis right. Then Marvis is like, you've got to be taken. It's like Chauncey Billups when he's on the basketball court. Right? I mean, my friends used to say like, OK, like we'd be super baked and go, what's the black ass name right now on the court when he was on the Pistons.
And you go to Rasheed, right? TATIAN Sure. And everybody, we go around and around the like my big a Starkel, my heart goes good. My big ace in the hole was I'd wait for everyone to say, like, well, Rashid's pretty fucking like and then Ben. Yeah. And I then I would wait for everything to be done and I go, bro.
Chauncy. Yeah, it's a girl, an Irish girl's name. Like if you go to like Camden, New Jersey High School and they go, hey man, Chauncey's looking for you. You're not leaving school that day, you're being stabbed to death in a boy like chant. It's like the Gooch from Diff'rent Strokes. It is. No I don't see you do not get blacker than Brika Shaw, but that's like that's almost like To Kill a Mockingbird. Yeah, like my middle name is Ferguson.
So how black is he to break a that whole jet, Jericho. All I know, Bernie, is that sounds like a cameo song. Bernie de DeLuca, who I know from White Guy. Yeah, Doug, the local white guy went to high school in New Jersey with a chick chick named Necla. That's good. And to me, that's that's that's the reigning champ. You got enough Chila nutshell out to black guys in my school. Dorville Gibbs and Joe love.
Oh, Joe love. Yeah, I went I played football with Melvin Royalle. Oh so Marvis I don't want laughs Yeah. Mike had Marvis unconscious at about the nineteen second mark. Right. With an uppercut but he and Marvis was asleep. Right. And I know you're a big fighter by the way. The Hammer was fantastic. Oh I love that movie. Thank you. And I would. I got you notes, I'm just working, you know, full marriage agrees with you, Hamrah was terrific.
Thank you. And that puppy is the cutest damn dog I've ever seen. Now you're losing.
So, yeah, but Marvis couldn't fall down because Mike didn't stop throwing uppercuts. That was the most one of the most surgical like. He's lucky he didn't die the shots that he would land. And then, of course, Michael's dad on one of those towers, me with their primitive Pskov. Mike could have been the greatest fighter documentary about him. Oh, yeah. He said that's part of the best line in the whole documentary, in my opinion, is when Evander Holyfield keeps headbutting him.
And then I blacked out again, but he wasn't hitting me. And then and you watch the footage and you go, wow, he did like it and put to sleep with Evander's head. Right. And then he goes, and I didn't feel the punches, but I heard them pow, pow, pow, pow. And I thought, what the fuck his greatest line was? I knocked him in his equilibrium. Yeah. Which you can use because I can't do a Mike Tyson voice.
But if you say as Mike Tyson, I, I punched him in his equilibrium, I think I want to play George Carlin real bad. I want you to want to play Chet Baker. But now I'm too old and fat and you want to play George Carlin. But I realized I'd have to I'd have to like get down to scary weight to play George Carlin. But I can only do I can only do his voice when he goes like, fuck Tucker.
Tucker sucks. Hi, Todd Tucker or the beard. You get the turtle neck. That's a that's a Ryan Gosling part right there. T Oh yeah. Yeah. Photo of George Carlin for those of you. Yeah, yeah. A Don Barasch. What's up t how about we do a little more news so we can say that Jay Morsan and with the with the news. Let's do it before we call tonight.
You call it a night. We're not International News Center next to Johnny's many nights. This is the news with Teresa Strasser. I had a baby since you last saw me. You got married and had a baby. The news that is the news that is that safe for work? No w Victoria Beckham, a boy or girl boy. He got you pregnant. I got to have more cowbell. Yeah. You a son, right? I have a boy.
His name is Bingo. I see the difference between a Christopher Walken impression. Yeah. And others is that many guys they're afraid to go to the West. Yeah. Go to the West Bank and you got to break up the rhythm. You can rest. Well, why are they afraid of the whisper? Because it's scary.
You go out there in front of people and you've got to down.
You know what I love? And King in New York, when he has that guy, he's going to kill them and he goes, just tell me why. Just tell me why. And the guy admits to him it was for the money, OK? And then he acts like he doesn't hear him and goes, just tell me why. I love when he said and I think maybe I can get you to say this by the. Yeah, of course.
And and I think things to do in Denver when you're dead. I spend my days surrounded. That one is talking about guys like you guys hanging around and chugging cock. Yeah, that's what you do. First, you start by saving the rainforest, then next thing you know, you're chugging cock. Yeah, it's the way of the world. I love you. Will Andy Garcia and Andy Garcia goes, No, I mean, you will. It's the way the world I know wheeled in in his wheelchair because he's a complete quadriplegic invalid.
Right. He's a vegetable. And he goes the first thing he says, I spend my days surrounded by these two morons like the guy. Right. I can give them applesauce. Right? Yeah. You try to save the rainforest and next thing you know, you're chugging cock. Not yet. Well, you well, it's the way the world and Andy Garcia tries to hide his Cuban azem off topic, but whenever he gets angry in a movie, he can't hold it in.
Yeah, like if you watch, like, he'll be like, listen, I'm Andy Garcia and nobody really knows that I'm Cuba. But it's a race I get in the movie. There is like this, you know, does that not Cuban. But it'll come out when Tom Hanks yells, even if he's Forrest Gump, he will always yell, It's Tom Hanks. Like if you watch. Sure. Yeah, he'll do that whole box of chocolates stuff.
But at a certain point when he's yelling for his buddy, Bob fell off, he sounds just like Dan. Yeah. He goes right into Tom Hanks when he's yelling and then it's right back to Bubba.
This is good that you led me into a story about another great act. Or Sean Penn? Mm hmm. He has talked to Vanity Fair about the end of his relationship with Robin Wright. Forty nine, and he says she is a ghost to me now. It's nice. Three kids, four kids. We spent all those years together. Now she's just gone. He says the one good thing to come out of the end of their 20 year relationship is that now he has more time to devote to his humanitarian efforts, especially in Haiti.
He says, I was for 20 years in a relationship with Robin and 18 years with children. I didn't have time to commit to anything for real in places like Iraq except to denounce the war. But now I'm single. I can lend a hand. I wasn't in a rowboat with a shotgun in New Orleans. So I will say Sean Penn, the mother fucker, walks the walk man, like you just said, like he is in the rowboat with the shotgun walking waist high in human shit, pulling people out of attics.
I know what I'm always torn because there's a part of me that just wants to go, oh, fuck him. It's just another he's showboating. On the other hand, I'm not going over there and using a shotgun like a paddle, so how can I pass judgment? And I can't figure out like I can't figure out if he's a great artists or a massive narcissist blowhard. I know he takes himself wildly seriously and I like that, but I don't know him, so I don't really know what to do about him.
I think we should respect the fact that, like milk, he was tremendous. Right. And then Mystic River and what milk was a bad choice. Yeah, but he's over there like that fucker does it. And you know what I like his stance on people are like a Katrina when he was in a rowboat and shit pulling people off their houses and telling the National Guard like, all right, well, I got this little crew of local general store employees.
We're going to go over here, go fuck yourself, because you guys you guys are waiting for HQ to give you the OK, he did his own thing. And then people are like, we got to go get the animals. And he said, when in doubt, I'm going to go human. Right, because I like fucking hate. Is that stupid Sarah McGlocklin commercial? That Canadian cunt comes on my TV five times a day because I lay in bed all day.
Oh, nothing. Just and then you show me like homeless dogs, you go with a movie every day.
Thousands. Hi, I'm Sarah McLachlan. Every day, thousands of dogs like that. You know, you drove past forty fucking homeless people to get to the studio to do that stupid fucking save this cat commercial. Well, I don't understand the, you know, sort of lack of priorities, which is you put this above that and that underneath this, which is, you know, goldfish are just below your dog, but your dog or below your kids.
Fucking 9/11 was such a tragedy, such as Jackie Morling with her boy. It is just put things into perspective. And the people I do I do secretly suspect that the people that really love the shit out of animals sort of hate human beings. They never really come out and say it. But if you do the math and you see just how involved they are in this and if really it's like all the PETA assholes, it's not really that they love animals.
I think they just hate people really more than they actually love animals. And I agree. I would like to live in a utopia where no dog was hungry, but I'd rather have every human being fed before the dogs got fed. You'd be amazed at with what alacrity human beings would help a dog with a full belly.
Yeah, it is. It is insane. And it's. You grew up here. I grew up in North Hollywood. And you had dogs. No, no. I fucking I base my parents like, are you kidding me? I want to feed you. We feed a dog. You were a bottomless pit and. Yes, we're not going to. Where'd you grow up? San Francisco. And did you have dogs. Cats, cats, outdoor, indoor, indoor.
That's fascinating to me. And my parents were kids. Everything at our house was I would never have to ask permission to come in like these. The bathroom, like, can we come in and get a drink? Use the hose. Yeah, but hello, it's my dad. Oh it's where you have an indoor cat, you've got a litter box. And what fascinates me about a litter box is that every day you walk, you go, not yet.
Yo, yo, you push that. I'm not going to waste my time with three piles of cat shit. Right. I'm going to wait till it's overflowing with sesame chicken. I want to wait till all four all the way through all four of my cats pads are on, the linoleum is arching his ass over the edge and pushing it like one of those coin machines and pushing the shit out. Well, then I'll take it outside where it belongs in the first place.
I, i it is weird when you go like. You have not reached a critical mass on cat shit.
Yet there's only 11 cat dukes in my house, right when we were kids, we had cats and like if they ran away, you were like, well, he wasn't a good cat and he sucked. He wouldn't have left. And they gave him away in boxes. Like kittens. Yeah, like supermarket. And please take one of these cats for me. Yeah, we we had a cat named Norman and we had we he was an outdoor cat and he would come indoors because we had we didn't have we had one air conditioner in our house and it was like guy sounds hot but one TV and one air conditioner.
And the smartest thing the Karalis ever did was put them in the same room because we knew we were we were going to sit around and tell stories about the old country. We're going to sit around and watch fucking mod. So we sat in one room and watched a black and white television while the air conditioner was buzzing behind it. But it was one of those air conditioners that didn't fit exactly right into the window. So that that accordion thing that made up the gas well when one broke out instead of replacing it, my mom just took two safety pins are now to pushpins and hung a piece of denim like for making cut off the jeans and took the legs and hung it there.
And Norman used to jump up and leave the house. He would come and go. And the little flap that was next to the I like normal, it would all be covered with weird cat, smelly cat hair. But you had Norman. Norman was cool. And then when we got our other cat, Norman moved in to the house next door, they just left. That's how cool Norman was. He moved on. Noize He was a lot like Sean Penn.
He was like, you guys are all just a ghost to me right now. I could be helping out in Iraq or Afghanistan or the neighbor's house. I'm going to lend a hand. And the neighbor's kid thought Norman was their cat. And we just kind of said, fuck it, we got a new cat. Now, Norman took off. Do you have a dog now? Yeah, I have a dog now. That's tough. You have twins, right?
So you're in zone coverage with pets. Yeah, well, it's a tough hustle day when I had a weird thing with dogs, which I always wanted a dog. I was nuts for dogs. I always wanted a German shepherd and we never had one. And we miss my family. So, like, fuck it, just on Quaaludes, they couldn't do anything like didn't have a yard where they could build a fence or feeding and cleaning up shit like it was all one big hassle.
So everything was a hassle. That was it seems my family was never like, oh, the joy that a pet would bring. It was off. One more thing to feed that you got to put water in the bowl, that you have to take a for walk at any time. You got to breathe. You have to you have to keep your eyes open according to your math. You should just fucking put a shotgun in your mouth and end this hassle knowing it's life.
But your family did that with everything. Like now he's in fifth grade, right? Oh, great, great, great. Now, am I going to be learning the times tables humanity? Right. So my dad always said he lived in a piece of shit apartment in North Hollywood, but always he always he was smart. He was like, if I ever move into a house, then we'll get a dog. And I think he knew he was never going to move into a house, but he bought a fifteen thousand dollar house off of Oxnard and Laurel Canyon at some point.
And I said, now we got a dog. And he's like, yeah, I was alive and we never got the dog. And then I never got the dog. And then I don't know what kind of message this is, but at some point I had this epiphany. I was like thirty four years old. I was living alone in a big house up on the Beachwood Canyon. I was making tons of money doing the man show and Loveline and everything else.
And I was like, wow, you never you still never had a dog make your parents sufficiently crushed your dreams and now you've carried on as a soldier and the retarded army of downtrodden is depriving yourself. I'm deprived myself now. I'm living alone. I have plenty of money. And I could have a dog repeating the cycle, I think. Yes, that's what I've internalized the deprivation. So I said, fuck it, I'm going to go out.
I said I always wanted a German shepherd and I've got a German shepherd and I got myself a goddamn German shepherd. Got them right here. That's fucking thing. Died four months later. Really? Yeah. Ofwat Broken Heart had a German shepherd to get the bloat. Are some going on with the liver. And I was like, all right, well fuck it. What's your favorite K-Tel movie. Oh, we could do a little K-Tel. Gentlemen, the series must go seven games badly.
The revenue nice I the revenue money alone between those two towns. There's no jobs in this town, are there? I like them as Mr. Wolf. If you want to make money, leave it on the Mets. Strawbery is going to break out.
I like it when I liked it when I said a goddamn word revolt that got sassy with Mr. Wolf when he came over to help clean up the brain matter.
Very good coffee on the roof on the roof of the Dodge Dart after the shot, Norman. Yeah. And and and travel like Marvin. Yeah. All right. Easy. Yeah. And and travel.
Just like what are we cleaning the shit up for? Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet, gentlemen. So you're funded and by the way, what it does that hurts bid your shot in the gut, but you don't die from your wounds. It takes days.
You're going to wish you were dead like Reservoir Dogs before we do a goddamn shooting gallery.
Big Bang. What the fuck was you thinking? Hiring a fucking maniac. Love me. Some Reservoir Dogs. Are you a doctor? No fucking doctor. Then you and me, you know, granted the Tim Roth and I'm going to do this is Colin Quinn doing everybody Gwen.
And you know, the Tim Russert Tim is not quite up to snuff and workshopping that one appointment. My posters of Know Jane I am beautiful me who is good last year I'm 70. Are you a doctor? Then you admit your medical opinion means nothing. Now I sound like Colin doing Harvey Keitel.
I don't care.
I've not heard the point in a while that I'm him sitting on a goddamn podcast. I turned on the role of Andy Dufresne in Shawshank Redemption. Really? No, of course not. You know, just sort of an allegory of how my life's going so far. You know, I'm sitting around him pulling YouTube clips of Daghestan.
I'm talking about mushrooms, drug experience. I'm sober now. Well, I don't think we're going to do any better than that. Sorry. No offense, but this is one more news story to you. How about Charlie Sheen news? Oh, I have some. I've been going about my professional career all wrong, Adam. I don't do drugs and I don't punch my wife and her hos. Yeah. And I stay out of the court system entirely.
Yeah. He makes two million dollars a week. He got a raise on this show. You know, he finally CBSA showed me the fucking door. Thank you, but no thank you. Gary is good. Yeah. Well, a lot of people are saying it's complicated sentencing a celebrity because you don't want to let him totally off the hook because it'll look like you're soft on crime because he's famous, but you don't want to make him an example.
Well, it's unfair to make an example of him and give him more time than you would give any other citizen for whatever crime he's being accused of.
But if you smoke crack and punch Lynn in the face after you've been arrested for like a crack or a drug related offense. Right.
You would go to jail. There's no doubt it's exciting. There's no doubt in my mind we now don't have one forty five. We get it.
Jesus, you're not factoring in the bitch asking for it, please. That Charlie's probably making. I think, you know, I don't know if you really asked for it as much as I course he my I wish I came earlier. Just call it.
Go ahead. But Jesus Christ, Adam made the point earlier that how bad can jail be in Aspen? I know it's not warm. I'm going to hold you, Tracy Catell and walk it all combined in my head. Well, is he doing hard time in Aspen? Like, what's the plan? He's expected to enter a plea by the time you hear this is may have already happened, but, yes, I believe it will take some time. Yeah.
Or maybe he'll get there. Maybe he'll be time served. I think maybe he'll do fifteen. You know, the Mike Tyson biography that fucker did every day of the three years? I didn't realize that. You know, it's absolutely insane about our judicial system. When you go back and you watch some of these stories like these Hollywood murder things, I like E and you go back and see some of them. You realize how bizarre and arbitrary so much of this stuff is, like I just saw when the other night was like too young to die in Hollywood.
And there was that actress, dark haired actress with the sort of bushy eyebrows who was in Poltergeist. Oh, her father was a famous writer, Dominique. It was Dominick Dunne. Dominick Dunne is her dad, Dominick.
She got murdered. Right. And her brothers. You got Griffin Dunne? Yes. She was murdered. And then she was murdered by her boyfriend. Yeah. She broke up with her boyfriend and her boyfriend did that thing where, like, I want to pop out of the house and talk. And he came over the house and they argue in the driveway and she tried to run away and he chased her down and he choked her out. He just literally choked her to death on the driveway.
He got manslaughter, by the way. I don't know what you have to do to get murder. You fucking put your hands around their throat. You throttled them and they let you out there to talk to us. You could argue premeditation, right? You got manslaughter. He got sentenced to like five years and he did three years. Yeah. And Tommy Chong did three years for making like a bong across state lines. Really? How. Endelman, fucking arbitrary, is it, you go to someone's house who's like twenty three years old, you choke them to death literally, it's not like, well, the gun slipped and hit the ground and it went off.
I was waving it around. I was trying to prove a point. My finger slipped. I choked her to death and killed her. I did three years and there's guys who sold fucking couple Tab's acid and fucking fish catchers that have done seven years. What the fuck? That guy that stalked Gwyneth Paltrow relentlessly got off like nothing like just go home and leave her alone. And that's wrong. But taking a life I'm not comparing it to and doing less than five years got Dominick Dunne, her father, until the day he died.
And every interview he would he would say the name of the judge, that sentence, that guy.
I mean, he never mentioned manslaughter is me and Jane Moore hanging out, having a couple of brews right after the podcast, and then Jay throwing it in reverse and backing out and clipping a Mexican busboy, driving by in a stolen ten speed. That's manslaughter. That's vehicular manslaughter, vehicular. Yeah. Either way, Jay, probably do three years for that. Get off, you know, a couple times columnist will cut you off, I'd say, Your Honor, that's good.
Nice Blue-Eyed Boy isn't Colin represented thirty seven on Twitter for promoting nothing. But if Jay walked over to his like house and just throttled there are on the front lawn until she died. That's fucking murder. That was a mistake planning on that side of. But Colin gets you off right here right now. Give me a good goddamn look at this kid. He's a good kid. I have a question. Where can I catch Jay Moore's comedy act? That's he's you know, he's like Charles Manson.
He's on the four or five. He's in San Diego Zoo. He's everywhere. Right. Another G.M. clip of a 2010 G.M. Moore interview and also talking about that, Wolf, scene from Pulp Fiction should also specify that none of these audio issues are anything caused by Dawson.
He fixed everything, but he had to come into an existing environment after working a professional radio environment. And then also he was learning like the science behind audio engineering and like getting going to school for the same time. So Dawson was improving all the stuff. And by like Episode 16 with Larry Miller, the sound was on track of the 16 of the format switch. So it took them about a dozen shows to figure this stuff out. Thanks to the awesome.
Yeah, you can see how the production evolves along with the the way the talent speaks, like, as we talked about Bob Brian earlier.
Now of Mike's I mean, what are you doing?
So the reason Adam wanted to use live mikes before is just because he wanted a more natural feel. He had a couch, he had a coffee table, and Mike didn't feel like a race, a radio station. So you could just sit back, relax and kind of just and just chat as if you're in someone's living room. And then eventually, he went back to the microphones for two reasons. One, sound quality. And two people were kind of getting a little too relaxed on that couch and not really contributing.
So he wanted them to sit up. That's what we have like stools now. And he wanted them to be awake when we're doing the show because they were getting a little too relaxed.
There was something about a lot of mikes that you see on the couch where even if you like, when I was on, I was just mad at him. But there was one time where they had, like the Lázaro with film as News Girl, I know if she will be the guest. And there was like, nice, let me be the guest. I have no idea what happened there, but she was super cool. But everybody was in this room, get a little warm and you start to get a little sleepy as opposed to the wonder when you're on the mic sitting at this, you know, the chair on wheels and you're kind of like, let me get it right.
Yes. You're sitting up and you're a little more alert. So that is why we made the switch. All right. We love Jane Moore's impressions. And another impression that I love lately is when Kyle Dunnigan comes comes on and does Sylvester Stallone, Maria Menounos always. It's incredible.
It's the best alone ever. It's like modern Stallone, but he's applying to all these different like it works so well. And Adam Flo's with aversely and Adam's hung out with current Stallone so he knows how to handle. Oh, that's so good. It's perfect.
Well, also because Adam has such a rich history with being of being a Stallone fan. True. So I think he gets an edge in this next clip where we play the Rotten Tomatoes game. Sylvester Stallone themed sixty first installment of the game is an actual show 1710. The guest was Dinesh D'Souza on this porousness. Matt actually genic read Brian Bishop November of twenty fifteen recording the twenty third at least on the twenty fourth. Let's check out the game. All right, shall we play the game?
He's the guy with the Fresh Rock movie game. More writing on. Got a bounce in his step and a partner's hair. I know you don't move. I miss. Call me old fashioned. I miss when the brother would shave the part.
Oh, yeah, the line.
It's the equivalent of during the World War time when nylon was at a shortage and women would draw the line for the panty hose down the back of the van, the back of their leg, like I just saw something I liked about it.
I think Tyson rocked one for a little while, was like I just saw it. I think it was Tyson and like one of the three, four thirty they just did on him.
Mr. Bryant, I what? I have five or six fans, black fans. Oh, I can check on the race to five or six. All right, guys, hold up, fellas. Let's get this car for ourselves. A pardon? Yeah. Now, by the way, I don't want your team logo because then what happened?
It got a little crazy unless your team's the Chargers, in which case it would just be a line, a crooked line. But yeah, it's bolted. I just want that one part carved in. Yeah, I missed that on the brothers. And listen, why do you do it if we could. But for obvious reasons we can't. Matt Matt's got a legitimate part going. That's pretty good. I like really good. All right.
So why bother all you rugby assholes were about to tweet us or the rugby guys are better than you. Your fucking best player just got cut from our worst team.
No, it is true. All right. Sorry.
Where where we are. So the theme this week ties into the release of Creed, which is the latest chapter in the ongoing Rocky saga. So we're going to do Sylvester Stallone movies, do you think?
I feel like I could go all over the map to feel like American Indians are going to, like, come up to Stallone and go, oh, we eat every part of Buffalo, but we don't fuck it when we're done. Like, let it go. At a certain point, we walk away and find a new buffalo to eat. I, I we as a people appreciate what you're doing with your buffalo, but let it go.
I understand. Oh. Talk they're going to have for so long. I think so. If it hasn't happened already, don't hold your breath because greed is good. Oh I can't hear that.
I know it looks, it looks good and he just keeps you go. What another. He's too old. You're not too old to play the trainer of the guy who died in the ring when he fought him thirty seven years ago. Oh fuck. Rocky's ghost come through.
We're getting closer and closer to that gag. An airplane where it's rocky. Thirty five year old man, right closer and concrete is good. The commercials look good. It's good. The fight scenes are great. They look good. Yeah, it's all right. So first up, we've already covered the first Rocky in one of these games, but we have not covered the 1979 sequel, which is the rematch.
Rocky two. Oh, OK. No, no, that's Rocky three. That's where we find our Brian. Am I making this up? And Gary, am I making this effort? You got to check it out. The only thing that's where they both went down at the end. Whoever got up first, spoiler alert. Yeah, you only had a few years.
Spoiler window closes after twenty, thirty five years.
The only flaw in that very dramatic last scene was it has happened on a very no small number of occasions that boxers landed a punch at exactly the same time and knocked each other out.
Stallone did not Salone was not hit.
I think what happened was the momentum took him down, right?
Yeah, but it was weird because he was getting up, like trying to beat the count, trying to beat the count. No, you just slipped.
Would they not count him down if he fell?
I know I've been. There's a difference between being knocked out and slipping. When you slip, you just pop up, right. When you get knocked out, you struggle. He played it up a little too much.
As I recall, the story was supposed to be that he was so gassed that he couldn't bring him sideways.
I got it. But he was the the problem was he was gassed and then I enjoyed it and all kind of stuff. But it was weird that he never got hit. He just went down and was like, you got to beat the count. You got to. And it's like you can get up. If you weren't hit. If you're got Ronda Rousey. Yeah. Then it's all over.
Yes. OK, so our second one. Right. She's I guess it was good, right.
Was it all right for you. I'm going to say. The people didn't like it, the critics didn't like it as much as the first one, that much we have to know, and it still was before it got kind of cartoony. And I'm going to say that the critics gave it. Seventy one oh, I think this is a good movie and I feel like this was before sequels became just so ridiculous and overblown, I think it was still kind of a novelty.
Well, we had The Godfather, like, back then. I mean, it was a good thing when the circus came around.
They were a good thing. So I said eighty three percent.
For reasons that I don't totally understand, because I really don't remember this movie, I went with 72 Rockie to his fresh at 73 percent.
All right, then. All right. What is your score, Adam? I had 71. Please make a note. My pencil was down before Adam told his score. Mm hmm. All right. Next up is a movie where we get the immortal line. If crime is the disease, I'm the Cure. Cobra 1986 film this movie Cobra. Oh, boy, you missed. Oh, boy, you missed a lot. You had you had this part, which I love.
And every good movie where a guy is a super cool name, which is toward the beginning of Act one. Ko broski in my office right now. There you go. That's why they call him Cobra. There's that one.
There's also the one that I as a car lover in this movie, he had like a chopped mercury or something like a really cool, like really cool custom car.
Right. And as a guy who likes cars and has some nice cars, I've never had the moment where I was driving along the highway with another guy next to me and did that move or I yanked the wheels, just went like, fuck you. And I just smashed into like he had a really cool car that he was very willing to part with.
Yeah. And the car a lot of this, too, which was the theme of a lot of good movies back in the 80s, late 70s, early mid 80s. They did that thing or it's like, all right. I don't think it's ever happened in the history of law enforcement, but there's this really hot chick. Yeah. I need you to protect her one on one, whatever it takes in a cabin.
Why did she have to go with me to this cabin? The super hot chick, the department's dirty. We got a rat.
We don't know who it is. We could go to the top of the Empire State Building. We got to go have a romantic.
And also, the thing that was crazy about this movie, Matt, you tell me, was it ever really quite revealed who why they wanted this chick dead and who it was other than it was a weird satanic cult? They were like satanic Nazis or something, but there might be affecting my score. There was never it was like Brigitte Nielsen or something you had witnessed. It was something weird. Like she witnessed something didn't really make much.
There wasn't much in it for them. And they just decided crossing.
I think, by the way, it's definitely one of those movies where the poster in the name of the movie was created long before.
Was it the one on the site where he had the gun with the site on it? As I told Mike August and I later sign off the receipt, Mike bought a laser precise machine gun sprays.
Mike bought a laser pointer for me how to use it last weekend. Oh, God.
I tell my Mike Mirch story before this movie.
Eighty six. And it was a stand alone. He he he bought. Yes, he bought. And he said he had to give his Edina's license in this thing. And he's saying it because people are pointing them at airline pilots. Now the laser pointers, there's a problem. But I said everyone is freaked out. He said yeah we sort of freak people out when he worked at William Morris because every one of those 80s movies, the guy would have the laser pointer on his forehead right before he got his head blown off.
All right. Critics had to hate this.
It is laughably bad. But again, we get into that thing like, all right. Forty seems bad, but this could be seven. They were satanic Nazis. Yeah, they never knows the I was recovering. Matt will back me up. It was always unclear who was chasing this person and what their motives were.
I would say for that reason, I'm going to give it an 11 random guess.
I said 22 based on the description here. I also said 20 to 13 percent. Do you have it working on single digits? That is a sweet poster that I would like to own at the laser site. Had the toothpick, presumably. Exactly. That's right. All right.
Next up, a 1993 film Stone Stars as a climbing expert in the running arland film Cliffhanger.
All right. What year was this 1993 saw in the theater for all the haters out there?
That's a great movie. It's lot of time. John Lithgow, a great heavy lift guy is fantastic. And unlike Cobra, this has a story. The Denver Mint transports the unmarked bills of the fresh bills to whatever Fort Knox or whatever to the plot. It's one of these things where it's like, OK, they're transporting large sums of money and somebody in the DEA or whatever has been corrupted. And he's going to take these things down and then they need this guy to, you know, and all that stuff.
And it was incredibly shot and all that all that good stuff. The only part about this movie that always drives me nuts in every movie is Rucker brings his novice girlfriend up to the devil's Barcalounger at the toughest like let's say, have you ever been camping? Good. You want to win a free climb Half Dome like no. And he brings her up there and then he puts her on a zip line after he rolls his ankle. And the thing there's a mechanical failure and and Stallone is a hero has to go up there and try to save her and this and that.
And then at some point, this happens in every one of these movies. Rucka like like Stallone is like you killed her up there on that mountain.
It's like, wow, you can't really you brought her on the mountain and then the pulley failed. And then I risked my ass to go out there and try to get her. So I don't think it's quite the same as me stabbing her in her sleep, but fighting the bad guys brings them back together. Oh, man, that was some good stuff. All right.
And this also has that crazy scene with the guy who's, like, pretending he's the soccer player. Yes, the striker. Yeah.
I tell you, there's so much to like about this movie.
And the critics are really snobs, but they shouldn't be. This is a fun movie and it's fun to watch Lithgow be sort of the heavy.
I'm going to say that the critics weren't as kind of this movie as it should have been. And I'm going to say they gave it a shit. I can't because I think it's kind of thing that critics would be tough on, even though we all agree it was an enjoyable romp of a movie critic, 68 percent.
I was a little more generous.
I said seventy seven. I feel like everyone's on board with this being OK. I have no idea.
This whole fucking theme has nothing to do with my life. I went 48.
Now Adam is on fire. Cliffhanger is fresh at 69 percent. What was Jenas score?
48. Oh, but the audience you're still working on, it was single digit score there. Yeah, thank you. Where is that's where the audience lower than the critics on this one.
What what again. What? See the poster. Look at the poster and look at the trailer and then see if it delivered or what audience goer was disappointed by.
This is exactly what it delivered like with promises. So here we go.
All right. Next up, this is a 1995 adaptation of a British comic book about a judge who is always judge, jury and executioner. Rob Schneider also appears in this epic film, Judge Dredd, the remake.
Did anyone look at this? Yeah, the original. Yeah, yeah.
I get this one confused with the one that Sandy in Demolition Man. Oh, that's Demolition Man. All right. Well, Wesley Snipes.
Oh. This is like the tried and true thing where you have Schnieder playing the game scared shitless the entire time and just write this a horrible movie about how horrible they did a remake of it a couple of years ago.
That was quite good.
Who was in it, Scottie or Bob Bones from Star Trek was the new trick.
Ha. That's exactly one of the things the fans liked about that, is that he never takes the mask off because the character never takes the mask off in the books. Whereas it's a good movie, this one. Yeah. Judge Dredd, the new one tip my hand.
The old one was horrible and horrible. That's the whole thing is you go wow, 22 is horrible. But again, it could be eight.
What a shock if it was five. I feel the pressure of excellence right now. I don't know anyone who's in single digits in this part of the game. I'm going to go with it, help to hear the supporting. Oh, I'm going to go with nine percent.
Arminda Santé, Max von Sydow mom. Diane Lane.
You're trying to throw us off. I said 20, but I'm high. If anything, I'm a high 16.
Judge Dredd is rotten at 18 percent. I know. Oh, it's basically Cobra, but with a different outfit. All right, here it is.
Let's find out what's good for you. Yeah.
All right. Last one. Twenty six film finds Sylvester Stallone returning to the role that made his famous as an aging boxer who comes out of retirement for one last fight, Rocky Balboa.
Anyone see it? Yes, and I'm pissed because I feel like a lot of people liked it. But to me, it's guy sitting in a van having an endless conversation with an unattractive middle aged broad.
I am not a good tagline.
There was a lot of like, you know, I just like he had a he had a love interest, but it wasn't a love interest. But she lived nearby, but he liked her son, but not that much. It's just like I was it was Stallone going, I'm going to go the exact opposite of all the you know what, James Brown coming down from the sky.
I'm going to go super gritty, low VAT, low production, low production value, low everything. But it's like, all right. But at some point you got to have a pulse like this movie, like didn't think get the sat there and talked. But I think the critics kind of appreciated what he was trying to do. I mean, he literally had a scene where you just talk to that chick in the van for like one of like twenty minutes, just like, are you doing all right, how's your son?
What's his name? We're going to go look for a dog at the shelter. Just nothing.
All right. But the critics are feeling good about this one. Oh, boy, that's going to be tough, I'm going to say.
Critics gave it a 63 oh, it's a 63, all also good, I said 58. Rocky Balboa certified fresh at 76 percent tonight.
I crossed out 66. All right. Well, I didn't get much, but at least I didn't lose much. Why did you go, Gina, 58?
This is not that good about me being a grad, going up the rear with 51. Bald Brian 42. 27.
Well, any time you can average less than five per cent bullshit fresh. That Niños Stallone career, it's all just like within 10 to like 30 percent.
That's where Stop or my mom will shoot is I was really trying to put that in Copland sorry, cliffhanger. I just I a little over five percent sorry. Was doing six in my mind.
All right. We got a call. Dinesh D'Souza is out there. Matt, by the way, he's got himself a little website, Rotten Tomatoes that I'm starting to see in pop up all the movies and TV shows and stuff like no TiVo ing stuff or DVR stuff. I see it come up with a nice Rotten Tomatoes podcast. Of course, you can listen to that available on Fridays, Rotten Tomatoes, dot com and iTunes. All right.
You notice more activity, no traffic, but more like more buzz over on tomatoes around Oscar season or around awards season.
Yeah, definitely. You see, we see more activity. We see more coverage as everybody talks about, oh, this person got this on this on Rotten Tomatoes. Yeah, that's what we that's where we really start to see it is as people will talk about who's in the awards contention, they'll talk about what the tomato meter is for a movie to justify their argument.
I think we had my favorite tweeted it and that's not in front of me. But somebody sent me the 100 best comedy scripts of all time. Yeah. By the Writers Guild. Yeah. I think everyone just goes with Annie Hall at the top just because it's one of those I just put it in Chicago or something. I don't know that. I mean, I think it's good. It's probably not my favorite the my 100 percent favor. But at some point I agreed with a lot of stuff on there.
But at some point you got vacation on there and you don't have lost in America or defending your life.
Now you've got a fucked up list. You can't you cannot have an Albert Brooks on there.
I mean, feels like a layup for the Writers Guild, like Albert Brooks is a writer's writer.
Oh, I mean, Lost in America was just joke after joke after fucking joke. I mean, just a great scene after great scene and and defending your life was and then and then you got to see fucking vacations on there, which I again everyone loves until they watch it as a sober adult and then they don't like it so much anymore.
Those are some great movies up there that.
Well, and you know, I was thinking I saw some of these things like, oh, yes, but I was like, why is it on this list? But all was forgiven for me because Groundhog Day was number three. And I was like, OK, so they get it now. Now, little Miss Sunshine.
No, I like that little Miss Sunshine. Fuck everyone stop it with that movie already and look not that well right after South Park, really little Miss Sunshine.
Everyone has the love. But if you really break it down doesn't even make sense. The movie does not make sense. It's not fucking funny. Oh yeah. It's funny. It's funny. It's funny. Funny.
I could watch it and you tell me where the laughs are in Manhattan's. Not some one big jack off move.
All right. And where were we. I love Sideways so.
Yeah. And those are on tomorrow's game back in twenty fifteen, the sixty first installment of the most popular game on the show before we get out of here. Want to remind everybody again right now, Geico is offering an extra 15 percent credit on car, motorcycle and RV insurance policies. Oh, yeah, that's 15 percent on top of the money.
Geico could already save you. So what are you waiting for? There's never been a better time to switch to Geico and save an extra 15 percent when you switch back to over 70. And that's coming soon to visit Geico Dotcom to learn more. All right, Carol Classic's returns tomorrow to make sure to subscribe to the classics feed. We'll see you there. Also, Adam has a show in Lafayette, Louisiana, next month, actually this month.
It's October already, October 24th at the Cajun Dome for anywhere in the area. It's a it's a must see show. We're doing a live podcast. Drew's going to zoom in and it's also doing some stand up unprepared Cajun mycologists will be there.
Oh, yeah, it's crawfish season, too.
So you don't know how many gets into that state. You know what happens?
We have no idea. But I'm insanely curious. So make sure to come out to that. We'll see you tomorrow. And, of course, am honored that superfan Geovani and get it on.