Happy Scribe Logo


Proofread by 0 readers

Thanks for listening to the Adam Carolla Show on podcast one. Well, the great Jeff Caesarea joins us and we play a very spirited round of made up movie, a very funny round of made up movies. We'll do that with comic great Jeff Caesarea. Plus a lot of social commentary coming up. First to about Madison Reed, Mr. Oh, yeah, I use this stuff now. It works well. Well, actually, we'll get into this subject later on in the show.


But you want the natural look. You don't want that Sharpey shoe polish look and Madison Reed mister does that you can blend your gray right out of your temples. It's easy to use. They give you a little kit, set of gloves. They're put a little of the color in that's just gel and rub it in, shampooing it into your hair. And then you put the activator in and you wait ten minutes and you rinse it off and you get this real natural blend and you can go to Madison Reed Mr.


. And hop on their website and you can find the color that matches your hair. And again, it's very easy and it's very natural looking. So find the one that matches your hair. It's got to Madison Reed, Mister. And find the natural color that matches your hair and being up and done in ten minutes. Right.


Dawson, go to Madison Reed. Mr. Dotcom, that's Madison, R.E.D. and our dotcom and news code girl over 10 percent off plus free shipping on your first box. Again, that's code Karola.


Hey, hey, hey, this is NFL Hall of Famer Ray Lewis. I'm excited to announce the launch of my new podcast Every Day Greatness, the Ray Lewis podcast. I'll be talking with friends, family members, old teammates, athletes, celebrities, moguls. And guess what? I'll be talking to you.


Listen, this is all in the search for everyday greatness. So I'm asking you to come along with me on this. Right. Download new episodes of Everyday Greatness, the Ray Lewis podcast every Friday on Spotify, Apple podcast and I'll podcast one dot com.


It's not what you have. It's what's inside of you that actually inspires greatness and. From Kolan Studios in Glendale, California, this is the Adam Carolla Show, Adam's guest today, Jeff Zarrillo, with Ghodrat on news. Follow Brian on sound effects. We'll play a round of made up movie and get the sports with Chevy Waterhouse. And now we're recording this before Biden announces his VP. But it's a safe bet that he's going to hate her no matter what.


Adam Corolla. Yeah, get it on. Got to get it on a judgment again. Any mandate you get it on. Thanks for tuning in and thanks for sharing. Right, Gina Grad. That's right.


Paul Briain is coming home from a medical appointment and should be with us post-haste. We will talk to him about his sort of spiritual retreat.


And I want to also get a medical update with him as well. So we'll have that coming up. I got a million and ten things to talk about. First off, I always marvel at the busy people and how on top of it they can be about the smallest things in their universe. And I've always loved that sang. And I've always thought it was one of the truest sayings ever, which is if you want to get something done, I'm paraphrasing, but you want to get something done, give it to a busy person person.


Right. Because it's so true. The busiest people I know who are like your Jimmy Kimmel's of the world are also.


Able to carve out time for you and get to the little minutia. Things and it was so funny, so Mark Geragos was in the studio a week and a half ago and I was giving him this long winded soliloquy on what's going on in my neighborhood with the stupid drain and the stupid city and the stupid guy behind the house and everything else. And he's always on the fly. He's literally on the flight, running to the airport, getting on another jet.


And and he just said, oh, I'll write a letter to the city. I'll get this I'll get this handled. Oh, now, by the way, handled is five thousand dollars that is in escrow. And they're not giving it back to me until the city signs off on this drainage work that I did. Now, I don't want to bore everyone with the all the details. And you've heard a lot of the details when I was playing you the clip with Karakus last week, but or the week before, whatever it was.


But that long and the short of it. Here's an interesting thought experiment for everyone. Just think about this. This open your mind and think about this concept. I lived in a house and I put a pool in my backyard and the neighbor behind me decided to tell me that what I did screwed up the drainage and was screwing up his property. He insisted that I tampered with the drains. He and my pool man. Eventually the guy installed the pool.


I assured them that all we did was put a pool in. There was no diverting any water or drainage or anything not to say that there isn't a water problem. It wasn't caused by us.


There's no terrorist action. He refused to accept that concept. He then hired an engineer who was like a drainage engineer, although he didn't hire him. He he retained the guy, sent him over to the house, and I paid for the guy. That guy then handed me a plan of what would fix the problem, which was on the street. I the city then said, we want no part of this. We're not getting involved. I then executed his plan, so I paid him thirteen hundred dollars for the plan.


Then I fix the problem. Now, I explained to the neighbor behind me ten times what would fix the problem, because I did fix it by just pulling the great off six inches. Of course, he didn't believe me, insisted I execute what the engineer had drawn up. I then executed it. I then presented it to the city. The city then said, You must tear it out and put it back to how it was. I then showed them the plan and said this was drawn up by certified drainage engineer and all I did was executed.


They looked at the plan and they said, we don't believe you. We don't think this plan is going to work. We want you to tear it out. I said, how about you just let it rain and we'll see what happens? By the way, when I was selling the house, the new owner said, we don't believe you. We're not going to trust you on this city thing or this drain thing is anything take out five thousand dollars, put it in an escrow when the city signs off on it, then we'll free up your five thousand dollars.


I said, fine, I did all that. Then the city kept slapping, you know, summonses on the house, saying, you know, you're you're in violation. You didn't get this signed off on. I then went to them and said, why don't we just see if it works? Just let it rain and we'll see if it works. And they said, you know what? Fine, we'll see how it works. We don't think it's going to work, but we'll let it rain.


We'll see how it works. Then it rained, then it worked perfectly. Then the city kept slapping summonses on on the address, saying you're in violation. Then the homeowner kept coming to me and the realtor going to keep slapping this violation stuff on it. Then I went back to the city and I said, what's up? And they said, well, the guy who said, we're just wait and see how it works. He's on medical leave and he's not coming back and forth.


And I've showed it to my engineer and he doesn't think it's going to work. And I said, it does work. It works perfectly. It works perfectly. Had a huge rain season. It worked perfectly. And then they said, well. Here are your two choices, you can meet an engineer over there and see if you can get it to our level of whatever, or just then I get it. Then I get an email from the realtor saying, just check it out, just check the whole thing out.


Just go up there with a sledgehammer and your guys just bust the whole thing out, put it back to how it didn't work. And then we'll get our summons to sign off on the city and then we'll give it to the realtor and then the homeowner free it up and you get your five thousand dollars out of escrow. This has been going on for well over a year. All the expense has been out of my side. I've done nothing wrong.


I corrected a problem that I didn't create. Here's my thought experiment. What? If we were black family. Who? Everyone around me is white, that inspectors the city guys, the neighbor behind me, the realtor, the home, everyone is white. What if we were a black family? What would be our only conclusion? What could we draw?


You'd feel very, very harassed.


What how else could we explain this insane harassment over trying to do the right thing over and over again, spending money out of our own pocket and constantly being harangued and harassed by the white neighbors behind us in the white city officials and the white realtor? What other conclusion could we draw?


Hmm. Well, there's your thought experiment. America happens all day, every fucking day. And I would buy into it, too, if I just wasn't a heterosexual white guy who realized these are all assholes. We're surrounded by assholes, not racist assholes. I've been talking about this for a million years. This guy's at the city. They're not racist and asshole neighbor behind me. He's an asshole. These are assholes. They're not racist. That's what people don't understand.


And I would argue if we were black family, the we didn't try the shit. So Mark Geragos is the busiest man in the world, leaves that day. And I don't hear from him for about a week. And I'm like, I don't know. To my bug mark on this. Can I get a note from his guy at his law firm today going, I need to talk to you. We're sending a letter to the city. Sad that you got no GARAGOS.


All right. Thought experiment over.


Brian has joined us right back from the hospital, says he had real problems and real problems, not your CAT scan, MRI problems. These are for you. I got five grand in escrow for the comedy of errors.


There was the MRI. So yesterday I went for a regular scheduled MRI and they had trouble finding a vein. When I had trouble. They couldn't find a vein. Despite six attempts at poking me. This points in my arms and hands.


Were you dehydrated? I gave it a little bit, but like I tried my best to hydrate.


I also have lost a lot of weight, so maybe that has something to do with it anyway. So.


So the way they usually do this, how much sorry. How much weight the reckon you've lost.


I am down to a hundred and forty three pounds is the lowest I've been in the middle school.


What, what were you at. About 170. So we're almost 30 pounds. Yeah, that's a lot of weight. It's a lot and a very short amount of time. I thankfully am off on medication now and that sounds like a bad thing, but it's a good thing for me because I feel better.


But voice sounds better. I'm eating more. Put on a couple of pounds in the last week or so.


And you also showed the picture of your fingers and thankfully they've improved. Yeah, it's good looking at them.


Not to normal. Yeah. So everything's improving. That's that's the good news. Bad news is no MRI yesterday. They have to inject contrast, writes the doctor can see the tumor and see how it looks, how to explain that injection.


So the way it works is I get an MRI of the brain with and without contrast. I get it like a regular MRI just without contrast. And halfway through, they pull me out of the machine and they inject me, usually in one shot with a contrast in my barium. Yeah, it's not barium, but it's similar.


It lights up, you know, tumor and whatever. So that way the doctor can clearly see what's going on. The tumor happens every time. This time, for whatever reason, it's the only time. It's happened yesterday. They just they poked me so many times trying to find a vein, they couldn't do it. Very painful. So you can imagine. And so, thankfully, of course, comedy of errors, you know, they're like, you're going to have to come back.


And I'm like, all right, can I come back tomorrow?


Well, our system's down. Of course the system's down. So I call it like their main headquarters later in the day. And like, yeah, we can squeeze you in at eleven forty five on Tuesday, which is today where we're recording. And I'm like in Beverly Hills, like that's perfect. Actually should leave me plenty of time to get home.


And of course they're running behind and blah blah blah. And they had to burn two desks for me to bring to my doctors about and some ten minutes late. So but they did see here, they did eventually find a vein, inject contrast, do the 20 minute if you're listening is pointing at his dick.


Yeah, I did. So and when you get the results tomorrow morning and what are your feelings?


I feel, you know, guardedly optimistic. I feel good. I don't feel any tumor symptoms, so to speak. I know the most likely scenario, most likely outcome is that the doctors are going to say things look the same. Let's maybe do the continue the treatment or whatever. Best case scenario is. You look, wow, you know, it looks a lot better and let's discontinue treatment and blah, blah, blah. I, I'm hoping for that.


I know it's not the most realistic outcome, but I feel good and I don't feel, you know, all my symptoms are bouncing back on the side effects and I don't feel any additional brain tumor symptoms was what they were worried about. So yeah.


Yeah. Because you're pretty sensitive. I don't mean you personally. I just mean like one is you understand what that sensation is of a growing tumor because speech and and movement, you just feel a little dizzy or a little whatever.


You know, my doctor said to me years ago, and I always remember this if your tumor starts to grow, you'll be the first one to know because I feel a little off well, and I don't know if Christie went through this, but I know so many people who said, like, I knew I was pregnant before I took a pregnancy test, like, you just know, you just feel something different in your body.


So, yeah, you would of course, you'd be the first to know my friend's pregnant with the tumor.


Well, hey, I do not mean to interrupt. And I want to make sure that whatever we're covering, we cover it thoroughly. But and I know work as people hear this word day behind. But the VP pick is in.


Oh, really? Any guesses?


Oh, boy, I, I think let's say I put a few bucks on some long shots.


Oh I can't wait to hear. Oh well I'm going to say Kamala Harris is too much of law and order background where that's not a good vibe. That's sort of prosecutor background these days. I think that maybe as Susan Rice I'll just go as it's Susan Rice. I'll go Susan Rice.


I'll just go with my long shot text, which were Tammy Duckworth and Karen Bass. Oh, Duckworth.


Tammy Duckworth is good at Duckworth is a is a good call. I liked Duckworth and Keisha Lance Bottoms personally, but I just got a notification, I hope I'm not telling tales out of school. Oh yeah, I told Andy and the other room, as soon as you hear it, text me.


He just said he just announced it on Twitter. I was like, cite your source because I don't wanna be wrong. According to the other room, who's watching it on Twitter?


Kamala Harris, the pic. We all should see it coming. Yeah, I thought they hated each other. Who cares at all? Yeah, I guess so. I'm a little surprised. I actually thought we kind of were done with her.


She was the betting favorite for almost the entire time. There's something about her that feels. Disingenuous or sort of like I'll just do she has a kind of I'll do whatever needs to be done, I guess all politicians. So that certain. Certain. But but, you know, you think about historically, like you go, there's Jimmy Carter and there's Ronald Reagan and they're very different, you know, a lot a lot of daylight between those two politically.


But I always felt like I knew who they were, you know what I mean? Like, I knew who Jimmy Carter was. And I felt like I knew who Reagan was. And I felt like I knew who Clinton was like. I kind of felt like I knew who those people were like what they wanted, you know? Yeah. I don't feel that way about Kamala Harris. I just feel like she's she'll do or say whatever it's going to work.


And maybe that's just the new world order.


I don't know, like what you say about commercials. You can be whatever you want, but don't be confusing and we don't have a grip on who she is. Here's the tweet. I'm looking at it right now. This is Joe Biden. I have the great honor to announce that I've picked Kamala Harris, a fearless fighter for the little guy and one of the country's finest public servants as my running mate. Back when Kamala was attorney general, she worked closely with Bo.


I watched as they took on big banks, lifted up working people and protected women and kids from abuse. I was proud then and I'm proud now to have her as my partner in this campaign.


Well, how long before we can we call a woman of color a public servant? I don't know. I feel that's demeaning.


That's problematic. All right. Well, we'll see how that plays out. I had I was watching. So, Brian, you'll tell us about the MRI tomorrow when you get the results. Hopefully.


Good news in. And I had I was watching CNN this morning and there were talking about they had a college professor from USC, I think, and he was explaining that he he's organizing a boycott not to go back to school. But there's something that's going on with 50 something year old dudes these days, which is they're turning into fucking pussies and it's fucking scaring the shit out of me. And so this guy is a professor and I just turn it on.


And he was on. And here's what I'd say. But you have to listen to a couple of his analogies. Go ahead.


Dorson, a group of USC professors writing an open letter to USC undergrads with a very clear message. Please stay home. Joining me now is one of the USC faculty members behind that letter. What are you hearing from students? Do you think your fears are going to be realized?


Well, yes. Yes, we do. We have every reason to suppose so, given the statistics in North Carolina over the past couple of months. And there's reason to believe that all the constituencies on campus share these concerns. I'm not going to be rhetorical. Just yesterday, that one student, a student leader, said he felt like he was walking into a burning building. And that was not all that.


This a student leader, a leader. He's a leader. Going back to school as a nineteen year old is walking into a burning building. Oh, fuck. An insult to firemen, number one. No to who? Safer than young people. Young, healthy people? No, it's not an apt metaphor. You're retards. That's a fucking horrible metaphor. It's the opposite. All right. I would I would you rather walk into a burning building or walk into a fucking building with covid-19 in it?


No one, if you're fucking young, but these guys are such fucking pussies. It scares me, man. People don't realize the danger and safety. They really don't. They really don't understand the downside of having a bunch of fucking pussies expressing themselves this way all the time. But he doesn't. He said that the student leader, he was a leader of students like a leader. Men, everybody said walking onto that campus or walking into a building would be like walking into a burning building.


And that's an apt metaphor.


That's how the leaders are the ones who go into burning buildings and rescue kids and cats, not leaders of the pussy. These are pussy leaders. And this guy, this healthy white. Fifty two year old professors too fucking scared to go back and fucking teach. All right, pussy. So he's going to he's going to get a boycott going because this is scary. I looked up North Carolina and I did a couple of things all play. I'll play the rest today because there's another metaphor coming for a while, maybe even worse, in a burning building.


So he felt like he was walking into a burning building. And that was an apt metaphor.


As you mentioned, your open letter was addressed to undergrads on campus. But have you heard anything back from school leaders?


Oh, no, no. I answered that letter. They have not answered that message. They are bound and determined to get over that. Cliff, like Thelma and Louise puts on the accelerator. That's what you do when you run a school, you kill all the students. You know what I mean? Like Thelma and Louise, they're bound and determined. They're going right off that fucking cliff, like Thelma and Louise, or they're reopening their college douche.


Jesus Christ, I'd be the worst fucking anchor ever because they'd be like, they're going on. And I'd be like, oh, okay.


Yeah, that quite a burning building.


All right. But please, jeez, what a fucking pussy. All right. So we got that. But I was looking it up. And I was like, how is North Carolina doing in the death department and they are they got twenty one out of a hundred thousand people. New Jersey's like one seventy something and New York's like 168 or something. And Massachusetts like one sixty or one fifty something. North Carolina said twenty one. I also said, here's an interesting thing.


We have this crazy thing like Hawaii is at number two. And, you know, New Jersey's got one hundred and seventy something per hundred thousand. And, you know, California, I don't know, twenty five or whatever we're at. I was like I said to Gary, figure out the average. What is the average? If you took all the states and you just weren't per 100000 citizens, what is the average? The average is right around 42, which makes sense because, you know, you got New York at one sixty something and you got Montana four.


So the average is like one sorry, the average is like forty two and North Carolina is at twenty one. So they're below the average in the death department. I don't know if they're having flare ups or what's going on over there, but either way plus we've got to get back to work, we got to get back to school and you and get your panties in a bunch and going on CNN and talking about going into a burning building. And Thelma and Louise makes you look like an imbecile.


It doesn't make me think there's more danger. It makes me think you're a pussy and an imbecile. Other than that, I have great respect for the man who.


Oh, God, this guy's teaching your kids fucking commander pusses. Teachers are teaching English. He was a great metaphor. Very apt. Very apt. Yeah. Is this USC, Charlotte? You said I don't know him. I don't know what he said. He said the Daily Tar Heel.


Oh, right. Just interesting that you know how you say, you know, as as the personification in, you know, increases. So does the cage match. Well, isn't Charlotte where the RNC is supposed to be?


I guess I don't know. I'm of a major university, wanted to close down and a major convention possibly.


I don't even know what's where anymore or what's going to happen. I can't there's nothing supposed to be Florida.


But every time I every time I talk to my God, she's like, we may be canceling Minnesota. We may be canceling we don't know about Vegas. We're not sure whatever's is on the table. So I now in my brain, don't think anything in everything is just a light pencil.


Until you're on stage. Until I'm on stage, I everything just gets stops and starts and stops and starts.


That's what I mean. Like, in terms of it might open, but we don't want it. And then the RNC is going you might try to close us, but we want to be there and it's all in the same state.


I'm pretty sure the RNC was originally for North Carolina and there was the first place it bounced from, you know what I mean? Like where the Florida came into play. Right. We're pretty sure it's all right.


I have a little life lesson has nothing to do with this for all of you, which is I'm fresh from the track and has nothing to do with cars.


But it'll be a metaphor, which is apt, apt metaphor, real apt metaphor, which is so somebody was saying to me, you're going to the track, you're driving this Datsun 510. What what kind of lap? What are you looking for in your in your best lap. Everything's kind of best lap, you know, what is your fastest lap.


And I said I think they wanted to know. They actually said like, what do you want? Like, what do you want to do? You want to come in first place? You want to come in the top three, whatever. And I said, no, no, no, I have a time in my head that would be successful and a time that would be disappointing. And I know that from past experience that anything on that track that's not under a minute, 50 seconds, anything over minute, 50 seconds would be disappointing to me.


I could come in twenty six place, but that's not really I'm comparing myself to a clock, not the competition, because I don't drive that car. I've never driven it before. These guys drive their cars all the time. They're all dialed in. They know what they're doing. They they know it. Well, I'm not going to compete with those guys, but I will be competing with myself and I will be competing with the clock. So I said I really like to get down in the one forty somethings.


It'll be sort of high one forty somethings. But I would look at that as successful and I mean one fifty, one fifty, one fifty one range. I'm not doing my I'm not doing as well as I should be doing. And in that world, even though the track is two point three miles around, three seconds is kind of a long time. Four or five seconds is kind of an eternity and. So I went out there and I didn't run the first session, the second session, the third section got cut short for me.


I ended up getting about five laps in and I went and looked at my app on my phone and my best lap said one fifty three. And I was like. Yuck. I'm so disgusted with myself and I was like, well, you didn't run the first session, didn't run the second session, you only ran the third. You never drove the car before. So maybe you got yourself a break. And I was like, No. One fifty three is kind of embarrassingly slow.


And I then thought to myself, it felt like I was going pretty fast.


It was like in the sixth lap I got five or six laps and I felt like I was moving a little bit like now you were not at one fifty three. And then I was like and we went out for the fourth session and the last session of the night. And there's a new app by the way, which is God. What don't they. They have everything for everything which is your car has a transponder on it. That gives you within a thousand of a second your lap time.


So they would be or maybe it's 100000. I mean, it's it's it's like one, you know, be like one forty five point, you know, eight five seven like. But it gets into hummingbird's heartbeat kind of time. And there's an app that you can put on your phone that if you're standing somewhere else, maybe anywhere, not even at the track, you can just read the real time lap times with this transponder. Anyway, I did a one forty seven nine five seven so I got into the one forty sevens by a hundredth of a second or whatever it is, and I was elated about it, even though I came in eleventh place, which is the, you know, eleventh place isn't cause for celebration.


But that wasn't the plan. The plan was get into the one forties somewhere. I probably would have been happy the one forty nine or one forty eight. But I got into the one forty sevens and I was wildly satisfied by that, even though I didn't even come into the top ten on the race. And the metaphor is it approach life that way. Have you're it sounds corny and cliche like you're competing against yourself but I mean go ahead and have your goals, have them be semi realistic but a little bit challenging at the same time.


And don't worry about what the professionals are doing, you know what I mean?


We talk talk about like being results oriented versus process oriented.


If you if you if you're if your process we joke about, you know, the process is your process is good, you're going to have good results and sometimes someone will be better than you and you might come in eleventh place. But then if you're if you're satisfied with the way the process won. Yes, I executed and I came up with a good time. And it's going to shake out your favor most of the time.


Yeah, and it doesn't. There's the last five times I've been there, I've been in a faster car and I'm like, I want to be in the one thirtysomethings. And each time I was like one forty one and not satisfied with the result. I didn't beat myself up about it, but it's not the result I wanted or that I set for myself. Or maybe I have to recalibrate. Maybe that's unrealistic for my skill level or the car or whatever it is.


But when you get it and and again like you have, I think that I think the key is. One forty five would have been completely unreasonable, and 150 or 151 one would have been letting myself off a little bit easy. Yeah, I wanted to get into the one forties, but no way was I get into the 140 fives. It's such a it's such a it's such an insane world where. You cover two point three miles and the guy's doing one forty five is tearing it up and the guy's doing one forty nine, it's not going that fast.


It's such a weird thing because it takes us a long time to come around like the 40 yard dash times the NFL, you know, the difference between a four point three and a four point six.


That's different positions. I know.


And four four nine means you better be Tom Brady or you're not playing in that league. All right. We got some made up movie to play with Jeff Caesarea in a minute. We and play that a while. First, I'll tell you about Bororo. A lot of you had to postpone summer travel, make your staycation at home and try to make them as relaxing as possible. Do it on a sofa from Burra. I love these guys. And I'm so about setting up your home and making it comfortable.


You owe it to yourself. You can assemble it in minutes. You can do it by yourself. There's no tools. You can remove seats or add them as needed. Have unique features you won't find in big box store sofas like built-In USB phone chargers and durable scratch and stain resistant fabrics. Over twenty three thousand ways to customize your fabric, your color, your shape, legs, the finish to finish on the legs, armrest style, length, what have you and more than sofas, rugs, coffee table shelves, love seats, armchairs, Ottomans and more fast free shipping, zero interest financing.


Take care of yourself, man. You owe it to yourself.


Get Bororo right dorsum get seventy five dollars off your Bororo purchase plus fast and free shipping at Broadcom. Adam, check out the site for details. That'll be our O.W. Dotcom slash Adam for seventy five dollars off.


All right, let's take a quick break. We got Jeff Zarrillo. He'll do chat. Waterhouse will also do made up movie with him right after this. There's no shortage of action going on with our exclusive partners at BET, online sports are slowly making its way back. MLB and now NBA join UFC, boxing, NASCAR and soccer. But online is all the best odds and lines for the upcoming games and matches. Need more that online has simulated NFL, NBA and UFC happening every day.


Live for you to check out looking for something else other than sports. But online also has hundreds of live casino games, poker tournaments and all the best props in the business. Is it better online or use your mobile device and join now to receive your new welcome bonus and start playing today. BET online your online wagering experts visit BÊTE online. And don't forget that promo code podcast one that's pod cast only for your sign up bonus bet online your online sportsbook experts.


The Adam Carolla Show presents Jeff's Azaria's birthday cocktail party for March 30th. Let's see who's at the party. Celine Dion is here. So is Piers Morgan a slow hand? Eric Clapton. Vincent Van Gogh. Paul Riza's at the party, so is Warren Beatty and Tracy Chapman. Stop Hammertime. M.C. Hammer. Donna D'Errico. Richard Sherman. And Peter Marshall from Hollywood Squares, let's party now back to The Adam Carolla Show and I might say a nice, diverse ethnic mix.


They're going very, very 20, 20 of you, Caesarea. Congratulations.


I would call that low end eclectic. You just might be the one to beat. Yeah. Vengo.


Yeah, that is that is a good group. And so I should well play made up. Moving in a second. I think Jeff knows how the game works. New standup special by the way, what was I thinking is available now on Pandora, Spotify and anywhere else you get your music and the podcast play with Pain with Chet Waterhouses. We'll hear from coming up as well. Always excited to hear what Chet Waterhouse has in store for us available on Apple podcast as well.


Jeff, what's a day like for you? You're probably you're not traveling. You're not gigging, as they say. How much riding are you doing?


I was 80 percent of the way to full quarantine prior to quarantine.


So this has been a very minor adjustments.


Yes, I do some writing. I do a lot of the stuff around the house, the physical stuff I handle because I'm that's my wheelhouse. Anything with the computer or anything essentially mental. I just let my wife handle those. And I do things like pull tomato plants out and empty the dishwasher, stuff like I knock off all that. Then I sit down and I do some either writing or business work on the podcast or getting a Sunday night simulcast going with where we cover the ESPN game chat, Waterhouse calls it.


And Adam Felber, who's a hilarious guy, is my color man, Tommy Gitche Anderson. So I've been organizing that, pushing the album, doing PR. And then in the afternoon, if I get a shot, I'll do a little writing or I'll save it till nighttime when when everybody else is in bed and I'll write.


Should I say then I'll write.


Yeah, with fingers up in quotes does. It's an interesting new world order with work because work started for me at least to be so specific and that I would literally people had time cards and would physically punch in like down to the minute, you know, when I would show up at the McDonald's and go in the back door and they'd go change in your outfit first, then punch in. I wish I do it on your own dime.


I wish I knew Mark Geragos back then because I don't know. I feel like I'm here, man. I'm on the clock. But anyway. And then punch out like punch out for your break. Punch out for like they literally just had down to the second the moments you work, they could add up. Now there's this weird no time weekends. Who knows when you're going to whatever your thing is like there are no it's almost like we're just out in the ocean.


There are no lanes anymore.


Although on the other side it kind of fits into your thing, which is get the job done if you get the job done, whatever it takes from you to get the job done satisfactorily at the least. And then above that well done. That's what it takes. Some people can do that. Some people have the self-discipline to do it at home and knock it out in two and a half hours. And then their boss is super happy and they're not getting ground down, you know, like a peppermill.


It's some horrible insurance agency or something. You know, they're not going out to work at home and feeling pretty good about it. That could work for a larger percentage of the working public.


Once this thing's over, we'll see.


I hope so. Although it'd be nice.


Yeah, there's going to be there's going to have we're going to have to set in some sort of social emotional protocols from working from home. Like you're going to have to be your own Stewart now. Like you're going to have to go. I am going to get up, take a shower and take a four mile walk before I eat my breakfast, because otherwise this is going to turn to a sea of Pop Tarts and, you know, binge watching hoarders, like some people are going to go off the rails pretty fast.


And it is interesting. That all of your sort of policing pardon, I don't mean policing like as in the cops, but I just mean we grew up with everyone outside of you policing you. So it's like show up at school. Were you tardy? There were someone standing by the front door, the main entrance. If you didn't get in, they'd lock you out. You know, you'd have to go see your counselors. Like, then you'd work at McDonald's and you had a manager and the manager would look at your time card and watch you work, you know?


And then for me, I went to a construction site and a foreman, and he was console's just watching you like you couldn't sit down or do anything. He's watching you the whole time. And I got very used to people policing me essentially. And once you get used to other people policing you, then you start making these deals like, all right, well, Mike, Dermot's my foreman and he's a dick and he's policing me. But when he goes on a lumber run, I'm going to rub one out in the porta potty.


So. Right. So now you get this weird relationship, which is I'm going to stop work the second the policemen stop looking and then it becomes this weird kind of guard prisoner kind of relationship. And we're going to have to sort of rethink this whole thing, which is you're in charge of you. You're going to have if you're going to get fat, you're going to get fat or you can exercise. And if you're going to get work done, get work done right.


First things first. They've got to have like a green porta potty for masturbation and it should be a separate porta potty.


You're right. It should be going on in the same porta potty. Now you're pooping and peeing, you know, in seconds.


This is a bit of this is a bit of a throwback to and you've probably caught the tail end of us.


Yes, we were got used to policing, but when we were growing up, the goal was for kids, was to be an adult. Now the goal is for adults to be kids. So when we were kids, your parents would go, all right, not only are we leaving the room, we're leaving the house. We don't know when we're coming back. If we get back and shit's out of place, you're dead, right? And you went, OK, I'm dead in a place, so nothing's going to be out of place.


So you kind of did get some self policing muscles and we kind of let those atrophy because we've got now all these built in boxes. But I think you can exercise those and get them back pretty soon, although the Costco, that's what we should defund is the Costco snack run because the MNM jugs are ridiculous. I saw the barrels.


Yeah, that's the other thing. Because, you know, you talk about the idea of, well, of course, people want to go back to work. I mean, you could you could feel it in the air.


Yeah, but I anecdotally, I have friends that are like, yeah, I even got offered a job.


I turned down. I just don't feel like it. Talk about atrophy. It's real. Speaking of which, we're going to return to the office, Christie's actual office in L.A. did a survey like an internal survey and anonymous, of course, of the of the of the employees. Are you ready? This is a month ago, let's say.


Are you ready to go back to the office?


And two of the employees said yes.


And this is this 250 employees. You know what I mean? It is incredibly rare.


You know, it was a little scary or maybe a month ago.


And, you know, it was more of an off the table to go back to the office.


But that's that's not empirical. I mean, that's not total. That that's that's that's the survey.


It's hard data and it's money. Well, it's funny, too, because I go to the office every day, but I'm essentially alone. I mean, alone in on the whole floor. And we had the same thing. And it kind of it's it's like you talk about with teachers, like students. I want to go back to you just don't want to go back. Well, employees that have been working from home don't want to go back to the office.


And those of us who go in don't want you back either. You know, we've gotten used to the way it is.


I think at the beginning of that sounded a bit like a Dateline episode. I'm the only one here.


I am here for hours on end at night or like this, very dimly lit.


It's true, except for the kindly old janitor, Herman, as a gentle, gentle, he wouldn't hurt a fly. Yes, he did serve some time, but he'd put that behind him and now focused on his future.


It's like you guys are there. Yeah. The thing that strikes me about Christie's office survey is I don't know if we can intellectually not blur our great desire to stay home with our fear of covid-19. And if we can even separate those two, like I'm starting to believe, if you said to a group of people, are you ready to go back to work, what is your fear level with going back to the office? And you surveyed one hundred guys who lived in small apartments and hated their wives.


They'd be like ninety six percent are ready to go back, feel it's safe, you know what I mean? And if you had other people that were fucking having a good time and their plush robes and had a good spouse and some square footage and stuff like you'd get the same percentage going, I don't think it's safe and either putting on pants, but I don't I wouldn't even call either one of them liars.


I would just think that's how the human mind works, right?


Yeah, absolutely. The key is, can you get the work done at home? And it's true whether you're at work or at home, if you can get the work done more and more or corporations, quite frankly, are saying cool work at home.


I just had a knock yourself out.


We can shut off a whole wing of this thing and save on HVAC.


I just had a funny comedy sketch notion, which is I do keep thinking about all these big, vast multi-storey buildings with all the acreage in the parking and everything, and they're 20 percent full or no one needs to go back. I mean, Christie doesn't really probably ever need to go back and maybe several, but many of the coworkers don't need to go back.


Yeah, and they're in the biggest building on Miracle Mile. That big, right? Right. So here's my comedy sketch, which is there's all this square footage that's not being inhabited now. And so maybe this a sitcom, the mayor decides that he can put the homeless up in these office spaces, that we don't have to put him up at the hotels anymore. We'll put him up. And before you know it, they start turning into business people, you know, and the homeless guy comes out the big load in his pants.


He's like jelly. I need to see in my office now and then go over there. And he's pointing at a chart, but the charts upside down. It's like we've had horrible growth. Wait a minute, hold on. And then I'll just start assuming it's kind of like Monty Python when the pirates were in the building or some version. Yeah. Trading places, a little bit of that. But either way, we take all the homeless guy, the homeless population.


We put them all in this white collar business environment. And next thing you know, they're suing each other for sexual harassment.


And they're having meetings. They're having meetings with the with the trainer. I'm not the right. That's right.


I like the idea that they supersede the couple of legitimate businesses that stayed on the floor because they were getting, you know, so there's Chazz Deen Enterprises, right. Who are these bums moving in? And then three weeks later, they're going they're cutting more here than we are.


Right. They start know they doing it. There's the legitimate businesses that are stodgy and aren't there. They're not going to do the stay at home stuff. They don't like the hobos who moved in upstairs. But it turns out they have some insight and some street knowledge that applies to their business. You know, so they start learning. They get pearls of wisdom from the from the folks have been learning how to live on. The street, you know, learned how to live on the street for the last decade.


That's that's the heartwarming part. Yeah. Mm hmm. All right.


How about this for Lisa and Lisa? That's the title. That's a working title in centering around a woman, because that's the only way you show now. I was just thinking hobo business. So well done, Jeff. Hmm. I like hobo business, though.


It's more direct if you're doing it for HDTV. It's a whole business.


It's not even thinking twice.


All right. Well, now we're getting into what we're here for, which is playing the game made up movie to have an intro for that world where titles are many and plots are few.


One man can take your movie names and make them come to life. What is going on, Adam? Cool stars and. And just so you know, Caesarea co-wrote Jack Frost with Michael Keaton, was that with I mean, the movie was starred Michael Keaton, but did you write that with him?


No, that was a classic Hollywood saga. There were 11 writing entities on that movie, one of which was a team of three people. And I was the last guy on.


I had been hired strictly just to do some punch up over the weekend. And I was lucky. It was one of my first film things and it was about a musician. And I didn't think any of the musicians were talking like musicians. And I used to be a musician. So I rewrote the whole first act and the director liked it and just said, we're going with you. So I wound up doing enough work to share screen credit on it.


But there's yeah, there were just classically Hollywood.


Let's get another writing team in here and see what they can do.


So I wound up doing the last thing, that being the last guy and they were already building sets in Lake Tahoe. And and then I just rewrote and then I wrote on the set with Keaton. Wow. Because he's he's a former comic and he's just got one of the fastest minds ever worked. And so he would think of things and I would get it and run with it. And we try to create a scene and you'd go the only drag, would you go, hey, this is a perfect scene for the railroad station.


And they go, Yeah, we're in a bedroom. That's it.


We're locked in this. I don't know, Kato. We write it for a bedroom. I don't know Keaton at all, but he just seems like an incredible talent to me.


Yeah. Underrated. Great guy. Great.


Maybe if you're bored, look up Michael Keaton, Bazooka Joe comic bit and that'll show you the genius he was as a stand up comic is a brilliant standup comic.


One of the first times, if we got to second that one of the first days I was in town, a literally fresh off the turnip truck. I'm standing in the back of the original room at the comedy at the at the Comedy Store. And Keaton's about to go on stage. And I'm standing there. I'm nervous as heck just watching comics. And there's like two sales. It's like a Wednesday. There's two traveling salesman next to me staying at the Hyatt next door and they're chit chatting about something in this.


People over here talking and then they go. And at the time, he just got on a sitcom with Jim Belushi, working stiffs, I think it was called. And they go from working stiffs. Please welcome Michael Keaton. Keaton walks up from around me a very short walk in the original room, like eight feet. You're on stage. He turns. He does his first eight minutes jamming on what these two salesmen next to me had been talking about.




He just riffs eight hilarious minutes on these two guys. And I went, wow, I'm in the big leagues now. I got to get it together. Wow.


The first time I ever saw him. And you guys remember gung ho? Yeah. George went, Oh yeah.


My Japanese car company. Yeah, American car company. I loved him. A night shift movie always made me made me laugh movie. You know what I was rated movie. You know what I was thinking about Christmas.


But I got to do some quick on the fly here since we're just ruminating. But I was watching some like we TV and Love Boat. I'm obsessed with Love Boat and all these bad shows and they're showing stuff from Happy Days is coming up or whatever. And they show Laverne and Shirley and there's that character actor and I can't think of his name, but there was a character called the Big Ragu. And the big ragu was like this tough guy. He was like the Fonz.


He was what the Fonz was for the Cunningham family. The big ragu was for Laverne and Shirley, like he was a it was an enforcer.


You know, if there was trouble, the big ragu would show up, you know, and he Mecha Eddie Mekka, Henry Winkler is, you know, five, eight and a half and one hundred and forty one pounds. And he was the guy who was threatening all the gang bangers, you know, and all the guys going to mop up all the greasers in Wisconsin. And then there was the big rat, the big guy who ran five, six, and he was one hundred and forty pounds.


These were two diminutive, like they were miniature Jews who are like supposed to show up in the fifties with the, you know, lords of Flatbush and go like, hey, who wants to who wants to rumble? And they're like they're miniature little guys. Miniature little Jews like these are going to rumble like with the jets and the sharks.


They're their lawn statues. Yes.


Why did they intentionally hip's diminutive guys so they couldn't be threatening or something. But yeah, they were threatening. There were always it was always like Richie Cunningham's gotten pushed up against the corner in the bathroom with the jock and then all of a sudden the Fonz walks in. But the Fonz was much smaller than Ritchie.


Yeah. And the big black guy was smaller than Laverne. That's the acting baby.


Yeah, that's that's a send. You're just really you got tough with the script to pick, right? Who was five, seven, and incidentally, this is kind of one of my pet peeves is really the big ragu.


I mean, has this stopped the sort of five four Italian bashing, five three eight five three sorry, Pisin, but the pig ragu, which five three the pig ragu was smaller than Mammoth's the last five, four, three.


How do you even get a fucking job as an actor? Is that like a male actor at five foot three. Like you're not that short. I mean, sorry. Oh wait a minute.


You're down into Brad Williams territory there.


Yeah. What how tall are you, Max. Pada like five for you. Tower over the big rack. Yeah. I looked down at him.


He was five foot three. Chris is the big four. Oh my goodness. He was that he was he looked like a nice Jewish college student who was. Yeah. Too small to physically enforce anything on anybody.


Please don't tell me he had an out of place New York accent.


He was the big raccoon for a Yeah. There in Milwaukee. Right. Yeah. I think they probably ironically called him the big raccoon, like you call a fat guy stretch or something. But he still was the enforcer. Like when when the big fat guy would show up, the Malachai brothers were like, oh my God, the big raccoons. They're like, we must really I mean, I can't remember those shows in Wisconsin.


Is that. Yeah. Because Benoff wasn't it. Yeah. Yeah. My goodness. Right.


That's that's I guess that's what they thought Italians looked like in Wisconsin and was the big raccoon was even more probably joosh.


Right. I don't know what that guy or that guy was.


And that was another running thread back in the 70s was was Barry Newman played Petrocelli O.


Reilly, the cop show. Yeah. Delvecchio was played by the guy he wound up on Taxe. What's his Hirsche. Judd Hirsch. Yeah, Vecchio.


You know, who is Italian. Oh, good. In Armenian.


The funny thing, I mean, there you go. They couldn't even give it to an Italian and the Jews would play Italians and American Indians. Yeah, that's right. They had a lot of range. Just people. All right.


Said to me, wonder why Sly Stone always said I mean, Sly Stallone said, I'm playing myself.


And they went, no, you can't do that. And Italian can't claim it. They've got to find a Jewish kid.


The big ragu was five foot three. And I don't even know what that even meant. But all I knew is he was the top.


You know, they didn't even try to slap him up on some some soapboxes or anything. They just let him stand next to a five eight girl.


Yeah, but if you if you see. Henry Winkler, in real life, he's he's a delight and the sweetest man ever, but he's a diminutive guy, a very small guy, and the big maybe they had to hire someone who was smaller than the Fonz for when they ran it, like like they would say in the John Wayne movies, they would lower the door jamb.


So it looked like he was taller. Maybe that's what they did with the big ragu and Fonz. All right.


I just got a shiver up my spine because of being in that network meeting. I had to get a kid shorter than Henry Winkler, who on a coffee.


Yeah, well, hire a nine year old. All right. So let's say we did our.


Oh, no, please make it stop. Henry Winkler is one hundred and forty seven pounds like right now, Brian, in the condition you're in, you could kick the shit out of the Fonz in his prime and the big rack. You could cuckold him as well.


And there it is, Jim. Look at that big raccoon. And they're always like tough guys are standing up to the Malachai brothers.


Yeah. Imagine the director. Look at the tough guys. Look about mid chest on the tough way. You look like you look at him in the eye.


All right. We got some some we've got some movie titles. So we go right in that panel. Just top down the bottom. Adam, 52, Huntington Beach. Cafe Americano, Cafe Americano, and is there any way that Greg Fitzsimmons can have a part in it? We hmm.


Maybe FETs dog. All right. How bout a kind of good morning, Vietnam meets Mystic Pizza. I know it's all been done before. Yeah. But I mean, how about this guy? He he he goes over to Vietnam and like 1971, the war. And shortly thereafter he meets a woman, falls in love, can't bring her back, ran or ran a bowling alley in Wisconsin, same same as Laverne's dad did back in Laverne. And Shirley decides to bring a coffee house in a bowling alley to Vietnam.


Nobody knows bowling. That's not their pastime. They don't even know how to do it. But he teaches them all of bowling and, you know, drinking cocktails. He's bringing this slice of Wisconsin Americana to Vietnam.


Yes, maybe. Maybe the woman he meets and the reason he stays there, maybe she is like a kid. She's a single mom, young kid. He corrupts her. He corrupts him. Kind of like, you know, a bad Santa style, you know what I mean? Like about Buttermaker, you know what I mean? Got to teach them the ropes here.


Here's how life is at the bowling alley.


And I think there's that that perfect all is lost moment when he regrets all of it. Somebody at some point comes up to him and says, accept our culture.


This is who we are. Stop trying to push this on us. We have a beautiful culture that you don't even recognize. Just get out of here, American. And he thinks this is all for nothing. But there's a surprise party for him and everybody knows how to bowl.


I think also and I think Fitzsimons is a former U.S. Army X-band who didn't know the war was over till about three months ago, came out of a cave.


Hmm. Yeah. Now he's the Wisen guy at the end of the bar who keeps asking for bourbon, three fingers.


And then they just have to give him a lot of any booze. They and into the running joke is all the Vietnamese guys who he's trying to Americanize with the bowling shirts and the Levi's and everything, and they keep screwing up like they would do, like the white cop would do in Sanford. And son, they go far up. Why's Turkey? And it's like, no, no, far out jive turkey wise turkey like that. They don't know how to get any of the lingo down, but they're trying.


Always good for a laugh. Punch it up. And Zarya. I think that yeah.


I'll punch that up. I would start with the the automatic scoring is the one area that the Pacific Rim has down cold. It's unbelievable. You can be watching a movie simultaneously with automatically scoring your bowling game. It's incredible. So people start coming to the Cafe Americano for the entertainment that's up on the computer.


And one of the kids turns out to be there's Cades one of the younger people, the son, the son turns out to be an amazing bowler. Oh, yeah. It turns out to be better than Chris Hardwicke's. That prodigy.


Yeah, like that good. Tiger Woods of Vietnamese bowling, by the way.


You know, my you know, you have a shitty dad when you talk to guys like Chris Hardwick and they explain his dad was a professional bowler. And I'm amazed. I'm like every time I see like, tell me more about your dad, how much we were on the circuit on the circuit. Oh, oh, there's a lot of you have no base.


We can't go anywhere. Tell me about our quick takes on the hard wood of the Scranton Wilkes-Barre Lanes this weekend on the PVA.


How about we get Chris Pratt to pay to play the the soldier who stays? Lovett, who stays behind?


He can handle that American guy who is the who's the gal I'm looking.


Well, that's tough because Aquafina, you're right.


It's more of the quirky friend. She she has such now this is our chance to shine. A chance to shine.


OK, I'm in for Golden Globe for that. The movie she was in last year when I wrote Farewell.


Farewell. There you go. I'm getting several hashtags that were already out of show business.


All right, wait a minute. I can hold on for three, Adam. Tiger Woods bowling. I think this is I think this is going to work. Yeah, yeah. It's an easy pitch.


All right. From the picture. All right. Let me hop up to the top. I got a line one. Talk to Joe 41, Seattle Joe. Hey, hey, gang, hey, it's a bit of a but for your movie about hello, oh yeah. Yeah, just say for your movie about the homeless moving into the office building.


How about bum rush? Because they're much more efficient carrying a stun gun.


I don't have all the goddamn usual. Right. Right.


Oh, part of part of the part of the sea story on bum rush is now all of a sudden they become such a successful business that they're guys. You know, we show the scene where the guy's, like, taken his t shirt, wringing it out, rubbing dirt on his face and his wife is gone. I thought you were going for a job interview.


I am a bum rush. I got to press the button. They can't when they find out I'm not here. Hold on. Let me plotts my pants. OK, is this good? I look bad. I look homeless enough. Right. He's like parking his Mercedes around the block and sneaking sneaking around. So I don't see him. I don't see the car outside.


Is there a marginalised like on the fringes like lawyer character. Who's the everyman. He's the Honkala right. He's who we see the story through. He's the one who incorporates them. He's the one you be like you can't do that kind of stuff.


Is a real estate agent. He's the one who gets him the floor.


Yeah, it's got to be some there's some proxy for the he is going to make it work because he's in charge of making that building work for his for the head of his realtor company.


All roads they throw on this because they want him out of the realty company. And instead he makes it a huge success by moving homeless people in. And then they wind up having great businesses and suddenly he's making more money than any other realtor in the office.


All roads lead to Henry Winkler. And if you watch Night Shift, he kind of was that guy. He was the pimp accountant who was kind of getting everyone's insurance in order and setting up for one case like he's that character. If you watch night shift, everyone else was kind of insane. And he was the one who was always talking about setting up, setting up their retirement.


You need the Rob Reiner character from Wall Street. That's right.


All right. Sorry, Joe. You got what? And I also want to say the deficits are I saw your last as well, Bryan, and you you were great. I really loved your bit. And of course, thank you for coming out and donating your time, cause I'm glad I got to see you live.


Well, thanks so much. Well, thanks for coming to say. Oh, my pleasure. So for four, was that movie pitch, I'm sorry, go ahead. OK, for me, a movie this is the second in our trilogy of movies based on Bold Brian catchphrases is over. A year ago you were doing made up movie and I called in with the stirring tribute and you did like a riff on that compostable Sarabande in Seattle and stuff. So this is a highly anticipated sequel, oddly specific to us.


Oddly specific. Yeah. All right. What do you part three needlessly elaborate. Any thoughts?


Yeah. Yeah. So phrases is what's the phrase, oddly specific.


Well, that's the name of the movie. That's that's what's the name of the movie.


Really specific. OK, so you know how there's like this whole underground like well. Or fairly well-kept secret of cops that go to mediums and psychics when they're trying to deal with a homicide and. Oh yeah.


But they don't they don't publish the torture unless toward that's pretty far down the line. But yeah. Yeah. But the hush hush. Yeah. Nobody talks about it, but we all know it's happening.


There's, there's a psychic that they go to that they like, but only for very oddly specific things, because what he can tell you is not, you know, I see a body next to a lake and it's snow on the ground. It's very like the person was thinking of rocky road ice cream with their last.


They're they're very oddly specific. But but at one point, all things come together and all these specific things that don't matter is what cracks the case.


So it's like, wow, there was a Baskin Robbins of the corner opposite. He was killed that. So he may have hypothesized that he went in for some ice cream. We got to get the security footage from the Baskin Robbins. I could see that kind of thinking.


It's not it's not super clear if you're if you don't know what to look for. But he the murderer may have had gingivitis, like, OK, can we.


All right. Can we can we can I just add to our to Jeff Goldblum.


Oh, Jeff Goldblum. Perfect. He lives alone. He's in a cluttered apartment, you know, so that guy who's like, I got to find my glasses, they're on your head, you know, if that guy doesn't know us. But but but he's a genius when it comes to this stuff. Unfortunately, he's blind when it comes to finding love.


Yeah, sure. And that's where Meiktila comes.


If he can clean up his own afterlife or clean up everybody else's afterlife. Right. Right.


Which me, Meg or Jennifer. Jennifer. Oh, come on. I have an opening in my schedule and I just wanted to make sure.


Are you done playing blackjack and are playing Texas Hold'em? Can you audition in the River Valley? I mean, can we just run some lines here? Yeah, let's do this. Madison officially. Yes. This we're going to put it on tape test with Mr. Goldbloom. He's not available for comment. He does. He doesn't do chemistry tests. He doesn't do auditions. He doesn't he reads. It doesn't do.


Chemistry is up for anything. You have to submit. You have to make an offer. He's make an offer only. But you are working at at the coffee house that he frequents. He can't cook. You know, he'll start a fire in his apartment, try to hide.


And he comes in every morning, 8:00 a.m., not a minute past 8:00 a.m. in order to basted eggs. And it's very specific, I think, you bastard.


Eggs and two, basted eggs, a pumpernickel dry and plain black coffee. So this is your first meeting where you come in and deliver his breakfast.


Okay. And I'll I'll play I'll I'll play Jeff Goldblum. Okay.


The there is there. I have a very, very odd order, is this something that that you always order? Is this just something you as a message messages sending to me?


Well, you're new. I haven't met you before.


Oh, no, I just started here. My name's Sherene, and that's really nice to meet you. You're a regular.


I would say I have to basted eggs, pumpernickel, dry and black coffee. I hope that's what's on your tray.


I have two pound runnicles basted.


One I make I make this the casting director now. Oh yeah. It's not pump. I'm looking at the script. It's not pumpernickel spaced it it's two eggs basted dry pumpernickel and black coffee that's going on.


That's a great punch up that I just pick that one up.


That's what the writer says from the back of the room. That's funnier than what we wrote.


Oh, Jennifer Shaherkani mag. I get confused.


You get confused for the big show and you start with Sister Magazine. Sorry, I'm not a chef. I'm just a casting director. But yeah, let's try it again. Just give me that. Just give me the menu item, please. See if we can get that down. Get a clean take on that as me.


Yeah. Here you go, sir. Here you two eggs, your pumpernickel and you bastard black coffee.


Yeah, hold on. This is going to break down the fourth floor here. It's two eggs, basted dry pumpernickel and black coffee.


We just get actually we like that punch up to. Yeah. Keep all of that scenario that you if I had a vote you wouldn't be in this room. So this is the right here. A lot on the set.


Not anymore. Let's just try and get a clean one of those.


Adjani It's very specific, but it's important to the character because the character so specific, it's only it's much easier to go when you say action and action, all the specifics in 50 to take off.


Here we go. Hello, sir. I have your order right here to eggs, a pumpernickel and a turkey baster.


Yeah. All right. I think we can clean that up in personality. We can dig that one out. Yeah, OK, that's fine.


Blow turkey baster. We're out of the scene. Do you have a quiet Cesira? Do you have made. No. Well, we're very close. Yeah. Oh OK.


Well I just got nervous on another project but but a lot of the same feeling concurrently.


Yeah. I'll get right over to you. Uh huh.


Do you have problems. Would you go to Canada to do a film.


I love my neighbors to the north.


And do you think Meg would have a problem going to Canada. I don't see why she.


Haviv OK. Is there something, a message you'd like me specifically to pass on?


No, no. Why don't you go to Prague and then we'll go to Canada? Oh, my God. Yeah, OK, so I'll meet you in Prague. Will there be somebody there. OK, ok. OK, just drop off Max. No thank you. Turkey visit. That's funny.


Yeah. Right, right. Yeah.




Get the sides to make Joe. That was beautiful. It is not. I couldn't have seen that coming, but perfect. That was a good that was a good call Gina Gray had made that I never, never even thought about that. That genre was a good call. Thanks, Joe. Last but not least, let's talk to Felix, 29 past Pasadena, Texas. There you go. Oh, hi. How's it going, Adam?


Hey, where is Pasadena, Texas? It's right dab smack in the middle of the state. It's not that great of a place. In fact, I'm trying to move very simple. But I was curious, what's your relationship like with Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog?


Oh, pretty good, I guess. I haven't seen him since the Alec Baldwin roast. Oh, really? What do you know? Oh, no, I had an idea for kind of a good cop, bad cop. I just finished seeing no safe spaces. OK, so I kind of had this idea for Adam.


Well, hold on. Hold on. The way the game is played, Felix, the dog is you're supposed to just shout out the name, your movie, and then we'll build we'll build around the title. OK, so it's a movie with you in Triumph. OK, so it's called I Don't Know. You know, there's a lot I feel like I do a fair bit of explaining the rules to people about what we're doing and then they just go right back to whatever it is they were doing.


Interesting. He's going to lean I think his movie is called Dog Day, which they already made it.


I mean, there's Dog Day after you understand his pitch is oddly specific.


Very specific. Well done. But I do like trying. Yes.


I wouldn't it be sort of a island of Doctor Moreau meets Freaky Friday. So it's basically just a Freaky Friday rebote with the dog and the dog's owner think the other one has the best light. He gets to go out all day and see exciting things and smell exciting things and eat whatever he wants. The dog just gets to lay there and living in the lap of luxury. I wish I could change places for just one day.


Yeah, I was thinking a good body switch. Comedy is long overdue.


Yes. Yeah. And I can get to Tim Allen. I know Guy said no, Tim. Oh yeah, that's right.


Head of Sony. A Goodbody switch comedy is long overdue. True.


You do need a voice for the dog. Mm hmm. Yeah. What man. Well we'll do, let's see. We'll do a course we get in the black labs matter Joe, because it's super timely. You know, we work that and we'll see if we can get. I don't know. We're not going to get Chris Rock. But his he has a brother. Ryan. Uh huh. Tony Rock. Tony Rock. We'll get we'll get Tony Rock to play the Black Rock Comic.


Yeah. Well, there you go. I mean, we're looking for talent here.


We can talk to Felix. Felix, that's a mistake.


Yeah. Hey. Yeah. Hey, I have a title. I'm sorry. Yeah. All right. I feel like we've dedicated enough time to your title, right? No, no.


The movie would star you in triumph in the title would be the peanut butter trick.


OK, all right. All right. I'm glad you. What did we learn, Adam?


You know, whenever I'll tell you what we learned, sometimes jokes don't work. It's like, you know, I was making fun. I was I was making fun of Mike Ström at my old mean Forman, but. I do remember something very specific that I thought was very interesting or smart that he did, but it's going to come full circle in terms of your answer and humanity, which is we were building the Pier one imports on Wilshire and like, I don't know, 26 or something like Santa Monica.


Yeah. So we were building that building back in the day. I was kind of a grunt. You know, I wasn't staring at plans or anything, but that that was probably the mid 80s. And I was like riding my motorcycle there from North Hollywood and working all day. And Samant was kind of a douche. But after the job, Santa Monica circa 1985, like a hobo, like, came up to him and he we're like, there's like three thirty.


We're knocking off. He was by his truck kind of thing. And this guy just came up to him and he said, Can you loan me five bucks, man? Like I need it bad or whatever it is or whatever the amount was probably five bucks for five bucks was good money. You know, that was good for dinner back then. And Mike said to the guy, he goes, the guy was like, I'll come back tomorrow and return it to you.


Like, I just need it to, like, get gas or something, whatever it was. And Mike said, I will give you this five blocks, but if you don't come back tomorrow and give it back like you say you're going to, I will never, ever give any homeless person or down and out or anyone who comes up there and tells me a story about their kids needing this or that they're going to return or whatever. I will never give them another penny and that'll be on you.


And the guy goes, I'm fine, I'll see you tomorrow. And I never saw that fucker again, and neither did Mike. And that's how all the world works. It all works with you going OK, but here's what's going to happen and here's what I want. And then it just happens every time. And I guess it's my fault for giving them the five bucks. I remember standing there going, oh, that's a good angle. Put the onus on this guy.


Never, never came back.


Whip it up. We're going to call it the peanut butter trick. Get it into development.


That's what I just did when I went back to Felix. I went back. I had I believed and that was the problem. All right, Dawson, take us out.


Adam Carolla will return in made up movie. Part two. All right, let me hit liquid IV dehydration occurs daily and so many people, three out of four, as a matter of fact, I take Liquid IV all the time, especially, like I said, when I travel, especially if I'm getting in the race car. And there's two good times to take it. I chug a bottle of it in the morning before I go get into the race car because I sweat right through that fire suit.


But you go out that night and have a few cocktails and have a little have a little in India before you go to bed. Makes the next morning much better. Stuff tastes good. It's fast, it's effective. You stay hydrated. Each serving helps you get as much hydration as two to three bottles of water, five essential vitamins, more vitamin C than an orange as much potassium as a banana. It's easier to travel with. It comes in so sort of two packets and it mixes up easy.


And your water bottle. No artificial flavors or preservatives, less sugar than an apple. One non GMO gluten free vegan dairy and soy free. It's liquid ivy, right? Dawson the good Ivy is available nationwide at Costco and Target.


Are you twenty five percent off when you get to live with Ivy Dotcom, your news code, Adam and check out it's twenty five percent off. Anything you order when you use promo code adamant liquid ivy dotcom get better hydration today. Liquid ivy dotcom promo code Adam.


All right, quick break. We'll do chat. Waterhouse, I want to hear about Brian's Mistick vacation and we'll do that right after this.