In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Ginger's a fugival. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for a horse.

Ginger's all hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like ginger. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Johnny Pemberton.

Oh, great to be here.

I always love your name, dude. I always love Pemberton.

It's a good name. It's a weird name. It's a name where it's like... It's British. I don't appreciate as much as I probably should, I guess.

Yeah, because think about how bad... His last name is Corkery.

Corkery, yeah. Oh, Corkery's here.

No, it's Corkery. Oh, there's Corkery over there.

Oh, there's fucking Corkery. That's Corkery. That's Corkery.

That's Corkery. I got made fun about our live show this this past weekend by a Scottish guy just coming at me.

A Scottish person made fun of you?

Coming at me like full speed.

That's all the Scots do is make fun of people.

It's fun because they're not intimidating people. Bobby can get away with being mean to people because he's short and round. Same with me. Yeah, well, you're not short.

You're just skinny. I'm small. You're skinny. I don't weigh a lot.

How much you weigh? A hundred and four. Wait. Give me your hand. 148.

145, but that's close enough.

Yeah, no, you're a little bit heavier this morning for some reason. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe I am. I didn't weigh. I didn't weigh myself.

I think 148.

If you go home- I was supposed to weigh myself before I came in here?

Yeah, that's why the scale is out in the lobby. It doesn't matter. But that's why we put it out there.

I thought that was a thing for packages or something like that. It's so big.

Yeah, I mean, you're the package on the show. Okay. This is the whole show.

Well, I hope this works.

This is like- That chair has been broken twice, by the way. Really? Trixie Mattel broke it. Do you know Trixie? Yes. Trixie broke this chair and was very upset about it.

Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing to break a chair.

It was. And we all booed.

Trixie's not huge.

No, we booed when she did it. Oh, God. I was like, Boo, bitch. These are vintage chairs.

These aren't vintage. These are vintage IKEA, right?

No, these are vintage. This is 1976. These chairs are from. No way. Yeah, these are beautiful chairs. They've been restored twice.

The poeing, the IKEA poeing, the one that everyone had. I don't know about that. I'm pretty sure this is like, they stole it from this, probably.

From this design? Yeah, it feels like it. It's a very similar thing. Here's how you know these are vintage. When you lift up the cushions and all this stuff and you see- It smells good. Well, it smells like... You remember in the '80s and '90s, the smell of cigarettes on cloth?

Oh, yeah. That's what these smell. You mean a good bar? Yeah. How a bar is supposed to smell? Yeah.

Why don't bars smell like that anymore?

Because you can't smoke in them.

Yeah, but even the old bars you could smoke in, it's almost like they got rid of the smell somehow instead of leaving it gross. There's a couple. Culver City has got some. We went to a couple. There's a dive bar in Culver City called the Cozy Inn. It's next door to a gun store.

I don't know that one.

You could get a gun and get a beer, and they give you a discount on Wednesdays. In what order? You have to do gun beer. Okay. Yeah, you can't do beer gun.

I would think it would be the other way around. I guess it's bad either way, right? Because you have a gun, You're getting drunk, or if you're drunk and you get a gun, it's definitely worse to get drunk and then get a gun.

Yeah, you can't do beer gun. You can do gun beer because I feel like with a gun, then you buy it and you realize when you hold it in your sober hands, the physical and social weight of what's going on.

Yeah, No, you get cut off.

Right. Then you get fucked up, you go next door and get a gun.

I got cut off for the first time ever.

What?

First time in my entire life, I got cut off.

Give me the- Have you been cut off before? I've been- By a bartender.

Denied.

They just see you're there, but they don't serve you. That is a similar- Not actively. No. Never been like, You've had enough. Oh, my God. What's the story?

It's the most embarrassing. That was at Renaissance Fair, Renaissance Festival, and I got cut off.

Wait, were you dressed up?

Oh, yeah, you have to. I always do.

Wait, you're getting cut off dressed up as what, though?

Oh, I just say it's like a weird... I wear some vintage, some '70s pants. I have a... You know those tops has a piece of leather instead of buttons. Correct, yeah. I have a weird funky hat on.

Does it tie in the front, the Do you have a shirt? Do you have- It ties, but I keep it loose.

I got to air out. I'm wearing a bunch of pouches and stuff. I'm carrying a giant leaf, like a giant leaf. I've been working on it for a while. It's a good costume. It's like this weird... I call Funky woodsman or something like that. Funky woodsman. Because I'm very high, and I'm drinking. But I got cut off at the bar, the last bar before you leave.

She- This is in Orange County, right? Isn't that where they do it?

This is in Irwindale. It's like 40 minutes east of here.

Okay, okay. In Lundia.

The Irwindale Recreation Dam. That's where they have it. They've had it there every year for- At the dam? At the dam. Where that belongs. It is nice. It is nice. Is it? It's secluded. Okay. You're down this little valley. But I go up to the bar, I was in character because I was super high. I've been walking on being like, Oh, what we've got here? Could I get myself a cart of mangoes, please? I'll take your finest mango cart out, put Something like that.

Are they playing along the servers or no?

They usually do. They love to play along.

That's the whole thing. Right, I would imagine.

Because that's the whole point of the festival is that you get to not be your sofa a couple of hours. You can say whatever you want. You can get away with being You can scream. You can say, What? We are just fought it. No one cares. It's a funny thing. There's little kids walking around trying to like, Is this a potion or is this a health potion? You're like, This one. He's like, No, it's all these little people.

It's all play time.

It's total play time. I'm doing that to this lady, ordering a beer, my final beer. I've already had a couple of beers at this point. They're fucking huge, right?

They do the Stein's a beer?

Yeah. No, they don't do Steine's. It's You know what? It's like every year has been taken over a bit by- Corporate. It's just less... This year, they had a fucking bus in the back that was doing like tattoos. When I saw that, that really just fucking ruined it.

Tattoos at the Renfair?

Yeah, a huge orange bus that's parked by where the joust is, and they have like a... The bus is running, and they're giving like tattoos and stuff like that there.

Are you sure you didn't go to an ICP concert? I think that might have been where you were.

They're starting to Yeah, they're becoming one. They're starting to become the same thing, I think.

It is funny to think how even those things that are so innocent can also be corrupted by the thing.

Everything's corruptible now.

It's too easy.

Because you can't do a thing legally without it being like, well, Anheuser-Busch would love to help you out with that.

City permits, then you're going to pay for this and that. You have to have a sponsor. So you go up to this person, you ask for a beer.

Right. And I asked for a beer in that parlance, the parlance of the fair. That was the parlance I was using this year because it came to me nicely. It's like the old, like a Cockny dude thing. And there's a sign that says, something like, If you appear under 30, we will card you.

You've appeared under 30 since I've known you.

Exactly. But I have my ID out, ready to go. I'm saying something to her about that, and she's like, No, I can't serve you. Then I stopped the thing. I'm like, I was just joking with you. I would like to order She's like, Oh, did you hear what I said? I said, I won't serve you. I'm like, What the fuck? I'm looking at my friend Andy's right next to me. He just got her to water. Like, What is going on? Are you serious? I definitely was not wasted. I was definitely not wasted.

What's her reasoning, do you think? Because you were fucking around too much?

I think because I was fucking around too much. Maybe she could see something that I didn't feel necessarily. Maybe how I felt like, Oh, I'm just having a good time. I can turn on... Because I'm the guy who people never think is drunk. I I can be really wasted and be like, Oh, wow, I'm very wasted right now. I just don't show up. And nobody knows.

Yeah. That's because you're a...

A sociopath. Yeah. Right. Exactly. It's that. It's a touch of that. Touch of the path.

Yeah, a little bit of faith.

And something else. I don't know. Maybe my eyes were super bloodshot or something, but I definitely was very surprised, especially once I stopped doing the accent thing. I was just like, No, I'm sorry. I was just like, A beer.

Yeah. Just one beer?

Yeah. She was like, You're going to be glad I did You're going to be glad. I'm like, Okay.

Now, I'm going to be talking about this on a podcast in a couple of weeks. Yeah, exactly.

I'll be blowing up this. I'm talking about it now. I wonder if she's watching. She's probably not. She really is. She probably doesn't have a TV.

Well, we're on the internet, so that's the good news. She could be on anything.

Like a piece of leather, she could be on She looks at a piece of leather.

She just stares at leather and makes up her own scenarios. Maybe. My favorite show. Look at my favorite show. I don't think- She wasn't even doing the accent either. She wasn't even having fun. No. See, that's like, I think if you're going to go in, I'm going to go full in on those things. We took the nieces, the girls to Disney. It's like, yeah, man, you got to play along. You got to go deep. You got to do the thing. You got to pretend. When we were in Harry Potter land or whatever at Universal, I did the thing.

What did you do?

I put on a cape and I was pretending like- You did? Yeah. I pretended like I was a saucer.

Did you have a wand?

Yeah, everybody got a wand. Nice.

I actually took some friends- Which, by the way, were like, 500.

That's the thing. That's I was like, This one has chosen you, little one.

The price of those places is one of those things where you're like... I'm sorry. Did you just move a decimal point or something like that? There's stuff where you have to get the VIP or the front of the line pass. Otherwise, you're going to be waiting for two and a half hours. At least, yeah. I'm not going to wait for two and a half hours in the heat. So you pay the extra, and you're like, I just paid you $500 on top of- Yeah, what I already paid to get here to park.

What the fuck? I don't understand how people have kids have a full family, and take them to those places without spending a couple grand on nothing.

I hope you enjoy this because this is going to be the next five years. This is it.

This is it.

Do you want shoes for when you grow or do you want to go see Harry Potter World one time in the next five years?

It's great to think of these kids in school with no shoes, and someone's like, Why don't you have shoes? We went to Disneyland this summer.

It's like, Oh, that's cool. I wish. I wish.

I'm jealous. She doesn't have socks either. It's like, Yeah, we went to Disney World and Disneyland. We got both. Layers of clothes come off depending on how many vacations you took.

We're like, Dad didn't pay for a It's like, All right, I can get out of prison, or you guys can go to Disneyland.

Did you guys take family vacations when you were a kid?

A little bit. Not really, though.

We barely ever did that shit.

We did it one time. I remember being just miserable. We take a van.

Oh, yeah, you drove.

We drove from Minnesota to... Did we drive to Florida?

Everyone from the Midwest drove to Florida at least once. That's what I was saying. I do a joke on stage about that, that most of us growing up in that time period, you drove to vacation. Flying It was like, no, we're not going to fly the whole thing.

I don't know why, though, people.

Because I think it was so cheap to drive. It was. Because back then, you bought a car. You didn't finance a fancy car back then. You bought the car you could literally afford. My dad's car was most definitely paid off or whatever. What was it? Well, I mean, back then, we had a Buick Lesabre.

Oh, my God. That's such a classic car, the Lesabre. Yeah.

And then he had a Cutlass. We had a Cutlass.

Cutlass Sierra?

Yeah, Cutlass Sierra.

That's a Chevy or is that Oldsmobile?

Oldsmobile Cutlass, yeah.

These are all cars that I grew up around, was taught to hate.

The Buick Le Saber, by the way, was such a... God, I fucking hated that. I fucking hated it. It was such an ugly... But I mean, no one back then had We maybe know a few people that had really nice, fancy brand new cars, but pretty rare. Most people drove regular down the middle of the road car car. Either your dad had a truck or a big fucking suburban SUV, or the dad just drove those, A shitty sedan.

My dad used to drive a lot of different cars. You'd go through them.

Was your dad a car guy? Yeah, he was a car guy. See, it's funny. I'm a car guy. My father never was. That's why I think I love it so much. My dad worked in the automotive industry and didn't give a fuck about cars. Really? Well, he worked in aftermarket automotive.

Was he a grease monkey?

A hundred %, yeah. Was he really a grease monkey? We say grease ape. We can't say. We don't say grease ape.

A grease person.

A grease person, yeah.

A person of slippery persuasion. A man It's difficult to pin down physically.

That's right. He slips and slides. He's a sliding stone. What did your dad... What was his car's? Did he have a collection of cars?

He liked Sobs.

Oh, you're like Jerry Seinfeld.

Yes, Sobs. He always had one car at a time.

He would just- But then he'd flip them off.

Yeah, he flipped. He had a Scout for a while. They had holes on the floor.

Like a Scout International. Where you could see the road beneath your feet.

Yeah, that thing was cool. He had a Mercedes for a little bit, I think. A BMW, a little like a tiny BMW. Like a three series. 3c, 325 Ajax. That was the best car, '91. Love. Was it '89? '91.

I had a 1985 325 E. That was my favorite. That car was real wheel drive. Manual?

Huh? Manual, right?

Yeah. Reel wheel drive. You had it They put 50 pound sandbags over the rear wheels in the winter. Just to get any traction. Yeah, so we got traction.

Yeah.

This one was- My dad was like, We're not putting on different tires on your car for the winter. That's insane.

Did you ever think Chicago My dad, my stepdad did not really.

My stepdad's from North Carolina. He's a mountain man.

I just love that Chicago accent.

Yeah, my dad. Yeah, he ain't through.

We're not doing that.

When my dad calls, Hey, ain't. Just got out of the hospital. That's what he called me two days ago. My dad went to the hospital again. Why come? And I said, Why? He goes, Oh, he went to my aunt's funeral, and he goes, Yeah, afterwards, we're eating, and everybody goes home and gets sick. Second time. Second I got food poison. Here's the funny part of my dad. He couldn't figure out what possibly gave him food poisoning. I go, Name the things that people brought to the funeral. He goes, There was hot dogs, hamburgers. I'm like, No. He goes, There was potato salad. I go, Ding, ding, ding. He goes, You think it was potato salad? I was like, What? Yeah. The easiest thing to get sick from is mayo in the sun.

It's the middle of… Was it sunny, though? It's the winter.

No, it's actually not in Chicago right now. Yeah, it's nice.

Yeah, I sell you potato salad. But it doesn't matter.

It's potato salad out in a room temperature for a few hours.

I had that drilled me forever. I was so scared to eat potato salad for the longest time because the news have four people died at a family picnic because of potato salad. What the fuck is going on with this stuff?

I'm lucky because I hated it. I love it now. I don't like mayo-based. Like potato salad, chicken salad, egg salad, I'm always like, I don't know. Really? I don't love it.

Yeah, I'm a mayo man. You're a mayo man. I'm a mayo man. My brother's like a crazy... My brother adds mayo to stuff. No, I don't like it. It's the whitest thing ever.

Mayo is white. Mayo is white. Yeah, I'm the opposite. I like spice. I like spice, too. But I'm saying like... I like spice, too. No, nice try, man.

No, I like both. You can like both. I like mayo, too.

Mayo and spice. Call me when you're not lying about spice. Spicy mayo? I'll take mustard.

Yeah. Give me-The spiciest mustard? Spiciest mustard.

That's me. My favorite.

That's me.

Regular mustard is gone.

You've been to Philipps?

Love French Dips. Philips French Dips.

You ever go down there and put too much on there?

You go down there to Philips and get yourself an old French Dips. Give me a soaking wet extra beef. I'm going to sit upstairs in the cafeteria.

The Chicago guys, they say Sweetheart. Or is that just Southerners?

We don't really say, Sweetheart. Yeah, maybe Sweetheart.

Sweetheart. Ginch, give me a double dip there like Al would do.

Hey, how are you doing, Sweetheart? Give me two burgers, fries. What do you guys want? Cheese fries. They're always yelling backwards. You guys want cheese fries? No, put the dog down. No, Don't do that. Don't grab it by the tail. That's why he bites you.

That's my favorite thing I do on a call, a phone call. I see that thing where you're talking to someone. She said it's going to be 15 minutes. I don't know. My wife is waiting. She's waiting for a package, so we're going to have to wait around. I don't know. Like, so loud, just screaming. No.

Is your wife actually home when you do that? Does she play along?

She's usually home alone.

This is when you're by yourself.

Yeah, by myself.

Would your wife play along with that or no? No.

She will not be implicated in anything like that. She's shy away. She's like, Don't do that to us, please.

No. Well, you know what I like to do? If we go to a restaurant and you walk in and they do that thing, we're like, It's going to be an hour, an hour, an An hour and a half. Wait. I always go like this. I go, Oh, all right, give me one second. And then we leave and we never come back. Oh, yeah. So I want them hoping that maybe I'm going to put my name down at some point. But they know. I'm not there. No, I don't know. You think they think of it? I go, Can you give us one second? We walk That's it. We never come back. I know at the end of the night, she goes, What happened to that ginger man that came in? What happened to that guy? Maybe he died. Maybe he went outside, stepped off the curb and died. That ginger man. What happened to that ginger man? You're a mayo man. I'm a gingerman.

I'm a mayo man. You're a gingerman.

You've always been a mayo man.

I got mayo in the blood. Yeah. Got mayo in the blood.

Mayo in the blood. Bit of mayo. Wait, let's go backwards. When you took this car ride, do you remember it going down to Florida from Minnesota? Barely.

I just remember like...

He's Minnesota trash, too, by the way. Oh, you are? Yeah. Oh, shit. Scum, scum, scum, scum. What part? I'm from in between St.

Cloud- In between. That's all I got to know. In between. Up north. Say the name of the town.

Otsego. Otsego, Minnesota. By Elk River and Rogers.

Wow.

You know Rogers up there?

Yeah, we went up there a couple of times.

My aunt lives up around there.

We had to visit her. She's sick. Oh, she's quite sick. She ate a bunch of potatoes that had green on them, the next thing you know. But it was a couple of years ago. She's hanging on.

She's slowly hanging She's hanging on.

She lost her arm.

Well, we can't bathe her. That's why.

We can't bathe her, but you know what? It's actually sped her up. She moves faster now. It was dead weight, honestly. I'm from Rochester. I'm from Rochester.

I'm from Rochester.

I'm from Rochester. I'm from J. M. J. M. Yeah, this is all making me feel like, Oh, God.

No.

The place you left forever ago.

But you're not ashamed of it. You love home, don't you? I'm not ashamed of it.

It's more just like, I don't love it.

Because I love But Chicago is Paris in the Midwest.

You know what I mean? You said it. Roger Street, Minnesota is just the Mayo Clinic, and that is it. That's all it is.

That's why you're into Mayo that much. It is the greatest place for cancer research on the planet. It is. Well, so that's pretty huge. You know what I mean?

I guess so. I mean, also all that stuff is argument, but it's up there. It's the place now. It used to be WebMD. Now when someone's like, I got this weird rash. I think it's this. Mayoclinic. Com says it's It's always Mailclinic. Com and not WebMD.

That's pretty cool to take over, though. It is. That's like to be the Wikipedia of medical issues. Yeah, the Wikipedia of symptoms. Yeah, I don't do it anymore. I can't even look.

I've never done it. But you know what? I'm anti.

The issue is then I go to a doctor now and they don't know it. The biggest thing I feel the most, I used to like it when doctors lied to us when we were young and they would just get it wrong. I'd rather that than when they go, We're not really sure what it is. I had a back issue that I've had for a couple of years. I had a herniated disk.

Have you read the book?

Sarno? Yeah, of course. I've read them all. But I went to all these different guys, went to orthos and all these guys. And dude, I've gone through so much experimental medicine. It's crazy. And then it takes one other doctor to be like, I'm pretty sure this is from a hip impingement. Really? And I'm like, So this is not my... And they're like, Yeah, let's give you some X-rays. And you see it and you're like, Was everybody wrong or lying or what was it that they just didn't... That they see it and they go, I don't know. We don't know. Fuck it.

I feel like that's one of those things where... Because I've been in and out of the hospital a lot because I had really bad bowel disease.

You have IBS?

I had IBD. Croses? Ibs is irritable bowel syndrome. That's when you just have stress or allergies. But IBD is inflammatory bowel disease. I had colitis. Oh, yeah, colitis. But I have my colon removed about 20 years ago at the middle clinic.

So do you have a- Colostomy bag?

Yeah. I had one for a couple of months, but I don't have one. It's a two-part surgery, which I mean, it's a lot to talk about. I talk about it. I do a show now. It's a one-man show. I talk all about this stuff because it's a lot of information.

Is it called Talking Shit?

It's called a Minnesota Reggae Colostomy Bag, actually. I would call it Talking Shit, but I feel like they wouldn't be able to put it on a marquee. That's right.

We got to remove your colon. It's all everyone's Jamaican at the Mayo Clinic?

That would be fucking great. Amazing. It's about my obsession with reggae, but it's a whole story and things. But yeah, I did have a colostomy bag for about three months between these two surgeries.

Yeah, I was going to say never when I knew you did you have one, though? Because it was a quick- No.

Yeah, you would know. I would be talking about it, or I would just be hiding away all the time.

So what happens when they remove it? Then everything is you're okay now?

Basically, how it works is that- You can live without it. You can live without a colon, yeah. It's different, but it's better than living with a bad colon.

So I'm very, very ignorant. Okay. What's the change that needs to happen now that you do not have the colon?

Well, there's no change. So what happens is they... Okay, so the surgery works like this. There's two parts. The first surgery, they go in, they remove your entire your large intestine, your colon, and they hook up the end of your small intestine to the colostomy bag. In front of your in your abdomen here, that's what the colostomy bag is. Because they make a new rectum/colon out of the ending of your small bowel, your small intestine. It's called the J-Pouch. In my case, there's different types of them. But they make that and they connect it to your anus. So it becomes your new rectum thing. But that is not ready to be used yet.

Because it needs to... Has to heal up.

Yeah. So for those two or three months, you have When your child is healing up, you should have a colostomy bag. Great. And you have that. And then once everything's healed up in there, you have another surgery. It's not as intense, only a few days of recovery, and they reconnect everything. And then After that surgery, you will shit out of your asshole once again. Rock and roll. That's where I have been since over 20 years now. I'm really lucky, though, because there's people who have had that surgery who have major complications, and they have to reverse There's all kinds of stuff.

When you have to go get it done again, do you have to?

Hopefully never.

So this is it for life? Yeah. It's not like when they do a…

Like a valve replacement.

Yeah, like heart, you have to do every 15 or 20 years or something.

I don't know. I think a lot of times They don't think you're going to last that long for certain things because it's like, if you get 10 extra years with a heart, you're probably like, I'm going to use these years, baby. I'm going to fucking use them. Yeah.

Throw away all your statins. You're like, I'm going to ruin this thing as fast as I can.

Yeah, I've been super lucky. I don't think they have to do any upkeep at all. I do have to go in and get a colonoscopy once a year. I have to just make sure it's still sealed up and everything. But I think I would know if it was broken.

I go get a colonoscopy every month. Every month? Just for fun. You have a punch card? Yeah.

Who's your doctor? We'll talk about it off the pot, obviously.

Dr. Anush. Oh, Dr. Anush. Yeah. Barba Goduk Anush.

Barba Goduk Anush. I see- You know the guy?

Barba Goduk Anush?

Yeah. I see his brother. Oh, you do? Baba G.

Oh, Baba G is great. Yeah. He's a mayo guy. Yeah, he loves mayo. Not from the clinic. He just loves mayo. Yeah, it's insane. Big mayo.

He just puts it.

He uses that for lube. Yeah, lube. That's his lube. His mayo. From his sandwich.

I mean, it's great. It's natural. You use the excess.

It's great. It's great. Baby, I had to go get a bunch of... We're in the medical world. I had to go get a bunch of prostate exams because I had prostatitis. Do you know prostatitis?

It sounds like it's the inflammation of the prostate.

He got it.

So it's just generic inflammation.

But it's It's so weird. It's like there is no... They can point it to a million things over why you get it. But sometimes it's an infection, sometimes it's the body's reaction, but it hurts like fucking crazy. It hurts when you pee. It would hurt in my taint when I would Sometimes when I'd pee, sometimes when I would drop the kids off at the pool. It depended on what time of year it was or how bad it was.

So it was like enlarged. Yeah.

Or well, it's inflamed. Inflamed just because it's responding to something else. Dude, it hurt like Yeah, I bet it did. When people were like, was the prostatic sense crazy? That pails in comparison to the pain you feel. He could have stuffed a fucking, a hoagie up my ass. I wouldn't have cared. The pain from that was insane. Sometimes at night, in the middle of the night. How did they treat it? There's a bunch of different... You can take a bunch of different pills. They give you a bunch of different stuff to see. You know what you took? Oh, God, I don't know. I took maybe 10 different things. But it's gone. It hasn't been around in a long time. But now, if it comes back, it's almost like a panic attack where I know it's coming.

When When did you read that John Sarno book? Where in your back issues did you read it?

Two or three months after I herneated my disk originally.

Right. So you put any credence into that book at all? Yeah. But you still kept seeing all these specialists for it, though.

Yeah, because...

It was a It was painful.

Because I was in extreme pain. I was in quite debilitating pain. The first thing they ask you when you go to see a certain orthos and specialist, they say like- Have you read the book? Yeah. Have you read the book? You want to leave and go read the book in the parking lot? So do you know about the secret? They Do you have suicidal tendencies or thoughts?

Are you serious?

A high amount of people that are in nerve pain is quick to go to the darkest depths of them. Because it's not like I broke my arm.

Right.

Nerve pain is- It's different. People that No, I can't even describe it does something to your brain where you think, I could give up. I could give up because it's so painful. Nothing fixes it. Right. Like, dude, I was- What did you say to the doctor, though?

How did you answer?

What?

Did Did you say, yes?

No, I said there are days when I am… There's days when I just don't want to leave the house because I'm so fucking frustrated and mad, and I'll just lay down on the floor to try to give some relief. Because of pain. Yeah. But I It didn't get dark like that. Never got that dark.

But you've never had that in general. I feel like all can be- Suicidal thoughts? Yeah.

Not suicidal thoughts, but a grave depression. I mean, I have depression and anxiety, but that's standard.

That's what I mean. I mean, I've- But I've never had the thought of I'm going to get out of here. But you've never thought about it like, I wouldn't do it, but I'm going to think about how I would if I would. No, I'm not going to. But I'm not going to. I couldn't do it. You've never even thought about it?

Like the process? I thought about you thinking about it, so I guess that's one of the same.

I thought about me killing you.

Yeah, I thought about you murdering me. No, I've never thought. No. And by the way, I know me. If I was going to go out, if I found out that I only have a certain amount of time left, I know me. I'm going to go on a boat somewhere. I'm going to get sauced up every day until I'm not around anymore.

Yeah, because you got to get the life insurance for the family. That's right. We can cut that so we don't get that to- All states listening in.

All right, he tipped us off to what he's going to do.

Okay, so you got to do something else than that.

Yeah, I'll do something else.

See that book, I don't know. For me, that John Sarno book, it changed my life because I had really bad back pain for a long time, and now I just have migrating pain.

Now it moves.

Yeah. Because that's definitely a thing. All bowel diseases are deeply related to stress, almost direct line to where if you're relaxed, your bowels relax. They even say that. That's incredible. So it's the thing where so much stuff feels like… If you feel confident about your doctor, then you're going to feel better.

Yeah, that's funny because I don't. You don't?

No. You got to find another doctor then.

Give me all your doctors.

I got them.

I shared them because it took me a while to find them. You can share doctors. You can't share therapists. Do you feel that way? Do you have a therapist?

Yeah, and I got them from a share.

See, I'm afraid of a share. Because I know one night at a dinner party, they're like, You know what Pemberton sent me today? I don't believe that they don't tell anybody. I've always said this.

They absolutely talk about it.

It drives me nuts. I know. It drives me nuts.

I mean, like on the Sopranos, right? They're talking about it.

They're leaking it. For sure, they're leaking it to somebody. They're definitely. Especially if you're someone that they know and they like your work or they know who you are, they're talking to somebody about it.

I found out about five sessions in with my therapist. He was like, Okay, I have to tell you, I know your great.

I'm like, Oh, fuck. I'm leaving immediately.

I thought the opposite because I was like, Oh, really?

No, you weren't pretty. Yeah. Sometimes- There's the ego taken over.

Totally. But also, it's the thing where, in a way, I feel like that is good therapy is when you tell someone your problems and they laugh at how you said it, it's like, Well, I guess it's not so bad, is it?

Sure. I guess that does temper it down. I just want someone to be... I want someone who's anti-comedy, who they're not interested in this world, even a little a little bit. So they're like, You do podcasting and stand-up stuff? What is it called?

A popcap?

Is it a popcap?

A popcap?

My daughter listens to popcaps.

You're doing these popcaps. What is this? Is this an audio thing?

I'm listening to a hubcap right now. It's actually quite good.

Andrew, last time we talked about you were stressed about your hubcaps. Now, have you always had a problem with your cars?

Yeah, well, they all fall off. That's the problem.

Now, your dad was a car guy. Is this having to do with the hubcap? Yeah, maybe this all goes back to the- The pubcap, the The pub cap?

The pub cup cap?

Does your therapist stutter? That'll be good.

Andrew, tell me how you feel.

I want to ask you, has your mom that?

The stuttering therapist is so good.

Oh my God.

Does it hurt your feelings? Okay, I'm better.

I'm good. I'm actually great. That'd be like that thing. I used to tickle kids in the ER to see if they're really hurt.

Wait, who did this?

That's like an old doctor trick. My dad's a doctor, so I was like, I know.

Is he a pediatrician?

No, he's a surgeon, actually.

People just tickle kids?

Yeah, they all do it. They're going in for surgery. If a kid comes in the ER, they're like, Oh, you try to tickle them because you see how much they're actually really- Their scale and their pain. Yeah, because it's not just like they're acting like, Oh, God, who knew?

That's actually very smart. What do they say? Like, yelling louder than a kid is crying sometimes. Have you ever seen those videos on the internet? No. A kid will be crying, and the dad will just be going, and the kid will just immediately be shocked at the father's yelling, and then they'll stop. They'll find out if the crying is actually from pain-induced or they're just trying to get your attention. Do you ever do that? I yell at everybody in here all the time, but I don't think that has anything to do with anything. I just like to yell as loud as I can. Okay. Yeah. That's just my way of communicating, I love you.

Do you do a low yell or a high yell? That's That's a wave. That's a middle.

It's whaling. Well, that's as high as you can go.

I can do a bank breaker. Let's hear it. You want to hear it for real? Here we go. This is signature.

Yeah. Oh, my God. That's insane. Oh, my God.

It's very loud, isn't it? That's about seven, though. I can do a 10, but-Let's not do it. You got to pay me for a 10.

I'll take seven. In here, we pour whiskey. This episode of Whisky Ginger is brought to you by Squarespace. Hey, when I first started making websites for my comedy touring, I used these Wanky, Wack, out-of-date programs. Now, thanks to technology, we have something like Squarespace that can make beautiful, seamless, gorgeous, engaging websites, no matter what you're putting out to the world, whether you're selling something, you're selling yourself products, a service, or you just want to showcase your art. It's incredible. Squarespace blueprint AI and SEO tools. You can start a completely personalized website with the new guided design system, Squarespace blueprint, baby. Choose from professionally curated layout and styling options to build a unique online presence from the ground up, tailored to your brand or business, and optimize for every single device. That's my biggest pet peeve, by the way. It looks good on a computer. It looks terrible on a phone, not with Squarespace. They've fixed that with blueprint. It's beautiful. Easily launch your website and get discovered fast with integrated, optimized SEO tools. So you show more often to more people, and you can grow the way that you want. Also have flexible payments, may check out seamless for your customers.

If you're selling merch, or shirts, or hats, or whatever, or art, they accept credit cards, PayPal, Apple Pay. In eligible countries, they offer customers the option to buy now and pay later with afterpay and clearpay, which is incredible. So people can support you and you can support people, sell content, sell exclusive content on your site by adding a paywall to sell memberships or courses or sell sell files your customers can download, like PDFs, music or ebooks. If you are looking to throw your art yourself or anything that you've got out to the world the way that we do with comedy and podcasting, Squarespace is the only place to build a site. Go over to squarespace. Com/whisky. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using the code Whisky. You know it. Go to squarespace. Com/whisky. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using that code, Whisky. Ginger. I Did you go watch the sun? Did you go look at the Eclipse today?

No, because we don't get to see it here.

Yeah, no, it's happening.

Yeah, but it wasn't happening. It's not totality. If it's not totality.

I went and looked at it. It was neat.

Really?

Yeah. One of the girls gave me glasses by the coffee shop, and she was like, You want to look? And I looked up and it was neat. I don't know.

I want that totality. I am legitimately pissed that I was going to go. I was going to fly to Texas.

To where? Texas, yeah.

But I have to do something to do tomorrow that I can't miss. So I was like, Am I going to fly back the day of the eclipse? But you know what? It's just going to be absolute mayhem. I'm not going to make it back in time.

I was in Niagara Falls yesterday where it literally passes through, and we didn't stay.

Why don't you stay?

Because I need to get back and see you. Yeah, it's true.

I'm here with you. You couldn't reschedule. You've been like, Johnny, the Eclipse.

No. But also I wanted to get home, and I'm moving. So it's like... Also another day to kill just to see that, to be like, All right, now I got to go home.

But I hear it's life-changing.

I don't think so. You don't think so? In what way? It's happening right now, and nothing's happening.

Well, I'm talking like the totality. Now, I'm fucking stuttering. The totality. When you're the path of the totality, it becomes completely and totally dark in the middle of the day for two or three minutes, and you're around all these people and all the animals and all the plants. It's got to feel cool. It's a thing that is significant that you can't just laugh off.

I watched this video this morning in bed of this native I'm going to be talking about it represents the total death and the rebirth of the sun. Those that are present for it get to die and be reborn in that moment.

I need to do that. I need to die and be reborn.

You could also just do ayahuasca, and that'll be your eclipse.

I've done ketamine. You've done ketamine therapy ever?

Ketamine is like a lunar eclipse, not a solar eclipse.

I mean, I died. I did a couple of times. You did? I was like, Oh, I'm dying now. I felt it for real. It was like, It was the most intense experience I've ever had in my entire life.

Now, have you done ayahuasca? No. That's the one they say will push you right over the edge and bring you right back. Really? Yeah, it's almost like you're hanging on and it shows you everything, and then you come right back.

I'm scared for the diarrhea aspect of it.

For you, yeah, that'd be bad.

Because I have friends who have decent bowels, and they're like, Oh, I've got a couple of ayahuasca shits for a couple of days.

Yeah, but that's okay. Who cares?

Yeah, but me having the ayahuasca shits, it might be Oh, I've got to take tons of Imodium. I don't know. It might be really bad.

Did you ever throw up when you did mushrooms? You know those guys that throw up every time they do mushrooms? I know people that throw up every time.

I have a weird thing because my digestive track is so short that I If I can make it through a queezy, about 50 minutes of queezy, I just have diarrhea like two hours later. Really? For real, yeah.

So you're ripped on mushrooms and you shit?

I'll shit, yeah.

In the mid-trip, mid-trip shit.

Yeah, but I know a lot of people who do have the thing where they I have to throw up on mushrooms.

Yeah, a lot of people I know do that for some reason. Have you done it? A mid-trip shit. I never threw up on mushrooms ever.

You've done psychedelics? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Oh, I love them very much.

You should try ketamine therapy then.

I don't think so. Why? I don't know why, but ketamine, to me, maybe because of high school.

Oh, really? You had it back then? Yeah. Oh, we didn't have that shit. No. I don't even know about it until a couple of years ago, really. K.

Holen?

Yeah, I heard about it, but I did a whole lot.

And everybody I know that did it. It was so intense.

Yeah.

And I knew a couple of people from back then that did Acid, that I would do acid with a couple of guys.

So you done acid?

Yeah, I don't enjoy it, though. Really? I think I did it maybe three times, two or three times. And I got to tell you, not for me.

Time to do it again at the rent fair.

No, see, mushrooms at the rent fair, for sure. Yeah. Were you just stoned or were you on something?

Just high edibles and having a few beers.

See, Eddie's for me is not. I want to smoke a joint, have a couple of drinks, and then I feel perfect. After a joint and a couple of drinks, for some reason is the perfect marriage to me of chemicals. Totally. It's really good. But edibles are so like, here I go.

I couldn't sleep that night because I don't like that. I woke up because the booze were off, and then I'm in bed just, What do I want to have? I'm like, What the fuck? I'm just so high and it's so dark.

Can you take heavy milligrams?

Are you one of these guys that can do like a- No, I never do. I'm the guy who like, no.

You take a little baby dose and you're fine. A little bit.

I'm like,.

I've hung out with these guys It's going to take like 500 milligram.

It's because they have tolerances through the roof.

That's what it is. But that's crazy. Yeah, I think it's the same. That's like 10 joints.

It is, but their tolerance is so high.

Yeah, so what does that do to your body? I wonder. At some point, you are like, what does it? I would love to know the science behind when it slows down. When your body sees the tetrahydrocannabinol and it goes, we're going to bank this. It doesn't do anything. We're going to bank this Delta 9.

Yeah, we're going to put the fat in your brain.

It's weird to think. It can literally go, We'll bank this. We won't utilize this. Well, it must process it and push it away. What else could it do with it? Because the tolerance just means it's not because if you flood yourself with more milligrams, it's not like it's just used to this. It's obviously doing something with it because it knows it, so it puts it somewhere.

Right. Maybe it just can't convert it. It's run out of chemicals to convert.

Or it convert so fast, it doesn't even affect you.

It was just two guys who just don't know.

No idea.

Making something that we know a little bit into negative knowledge. I'm pretty sure the chemicals- It's basically like every podcast ever. Yeah, every podcast. It started with this much knowledge, and then we just went, because we're like, Oh, yeah. Actually, yeah, I heard that if you do the chemical, it's a Triboxalini.

Oh, Triboxalini.

Yeah, a triboxalini.

Which is very good pasta.

Which is really good for your feet oftentimes because- Just your arch. Right, because back when the Romans were running against the Greeks, that's why they called them the Greeks because it's the- Well, it actually turned into an epithet. Yeah. Fucking Bacalini's. That's why you can't say that in a bar now.

You're not supposed to.

I found out the hard way.

Oh, you did? You called someone a Bacalini?

I got a Bacalini downtown. Downtown? That was downtown.

It's always downtown. We're downtown. I called a guy Bacalini start a fight. It was terrible.

Hey, Bacalini.

Look at this fucking Bacalini over there.

Hey, look at this.

I heard a- Learn how to tie your shoes, Bacalini. Hey, Chuch.

Chuch? You heard Chuch? You're a chooch. You're a chooch. You're a fucking Chuch. There was this guy, an Italian guitar teacher I used to know who would call people Chuch. Hey, Chuch. Look at this Chuch over here.

It's not even defensive, but it's like a- Sounds bad, Chuch. It sounds bad.

Hey, freaking Chuch over here.

Oh, there's fuck it. Let's get another fake insult. What's another fake insult? But that one's real, isn't it? A chooch? What is a chooch? I have no idea. A chooch?

I got to tell you. This was a guy named long curly hair, big old, like a guy from the '80s. Anthony.

Like Anthony.

His name was John. John. I'm not going to say his last name, but it started with an I.

But he would call people Chuch as an insult?

Yeah. Hey, chooch. Oh, Oh, donkey. So ass. I'm just waiting for everything to come back around and be like, Oh, shouldn't sorry, you know what I mean?

It's so funny that everything goes back to donkey. That would be very funny. Everything goes right back to donkey.

The donkey is the original bud of the joke. The ass.

The ass of the joke.

Fucking chooch.

Chooch. What's another word? What's another word that sounds? Dinhaling. Dinhaling. Dope. I like dope. Dope. You're fucking dope. Dope.

You're fucking dope. Hey, you're maroon.

Maroon.

That's what Bugs Bunny used to say, right?

He's calling people colors. What a maroon. Look at this fucking teal over here.

Teal. There's someone I used to think was bad. I can't think what it is. Oh, what? Is there a bad one? Yeah, maroon and bad.

There you go. What does maroon mean?

Let's not know.

No, we're going to find out. If we know. If we know it's bad.

If I know, then- Maroon and bad?

Yeah, maroon. Let me move it again?

Well, let me- I would say people of color. Yeah, probably. Probably is. Okay. Bugs Bunny, for Christ's sake. Jesus. What a maroon.

It's crazy that Bugs Bunny would call people that. Bugs Bunny.

Yeah. But maybe it meant something different back then?

You doubt it. I'm not really about that back then. Yeah, no. Back then, I meant that. Now we can say it, it means something else. I got marooned on an island.

Right. Is that related at all, you suppose?

I hope not. How about marooned? Find that out.

That's got to be different.

God, I hope that really is.

There's someone I was wondering about, can you say Dink?

I think Dink is in reference to a Like a dumb person? Yeah, because I think it's derived from what? Maroon is derived from the term maroon, a word for a movie to play.

Jesus Christ.

We can't say that either.

Everything is just... But isn't Marooned.

Marooned is offensive because we say that all the time. I mean, not all the time, but people would say like, They were marooned on an island.

That was the original name of that movie with Tom Hanks. Marooned. It's called Marooned.

That's right. Corruption of the Spanish Sea.

Cimaron. Household animal or slave. But cimaron, that's you. You're like the boxer, the Mexican boxer.

Canelo.

Canelo. Cimaron.

Cimaron.

Cimaron means like, does that mean cinnamon?

Yes, cinnamon.

Cimaron.

Cimaron. No.

You know about Baccarou?

Tell me this one's bad, too.

No, it's not bad. Baccarou comes from the Spanish word vaquero. Vaquero. And you say vaquero so fast, it sounds like Baccarou. Vaquero. But it's vaquero with a V, vaquero, right? Vaquero. But V and B in Spanish are often- I know, they're one of those things. Bacero. Bacero.

Hey, what's up, vaquero?

We got a vaquero over here. Wouldn't you know, I'm just a good old Bacero.

Bacero. Bacero. By the way, you hear him call me Bacero.

Hey, you call me a Bacero, baby.

I love the Southern accent. When you do the Southern accent on your IG, by the way, when you see...

Oh, right. That's a different one. That's a different... There's the George W. Bush, I'm like the one that's like, Hey, baby. Hey, baby. Hey, you like wings?

Yeah, you like wings.

Hey, baby. Oh, man, he like wings. I tell you, we're going to Teddy Bar. You want to go to Teddy Bar? Teddy Bar. What? Don't dare style. Don't dare stile. Don't dare stile las chicas titates, baby.

Now, what's your other Deep South? What's the Deep South?

Deep South is got to be more like, well, we went looking for them. We drove all over there. All over. We drove all over, and they're just a bunch of old oil rigs around there. And I saw a guy. I saw him, but then we came back and ran. He was dead, but we didn't kill him or nothing. We never did. That's that one.

I imitate my dad's friend from North Carolina. They have all the North Carolina ones. What can I do? Well, he's got a real deep voice, and he says, Andrew. Andrew. Andrew, I'll give you $20. You can do 20 pushups, boy. That's what he would say. Dollars. Dollars. I'll give you $20, boy. Get your ass out on the pool. Go ahead, run down there and back. If you can do it in 10 minutes, I'll give you $20 bill. That's a good sound. My dad's buddy used to bet me. You hit three shots from over there, boy. I'll give you $10 bill right now. I'd be like, Really? Go in and get it. Go show it to me.

You need to sound like in a thick kid Chicago accent. Yeah, go inside and get I'll bet your dollars when you come back.

I'll bet your dollar, you can't do it.

I'll see on Diversion Wacker, if you get it.

Yeah.

What are you doing putting mustard on that dog?

No, ketchup on that dog.

You put ketchup on that dog?

Get it out of here.

I'll put ketchup on there. I can't do it.

But the deep- The deep one's different. Well, it's funny. The deep south, it ends in North Florida. Then it just transitions somewhere around- Orlando. No, no. Orlando is way far south. The accent dies around the Clearwater, Tampa level of Florida.

It does. Clearwater, that's rednet country.

I know, but that's what I'm saying. Right below that, it shifts into- It does. Weird, vague- Just like white people. Middle Florida, white. But there's still country bumping down there.

I was down there for a while in September, and I feel like I didn't hear any- Country?

Yeah.

I was in Tampa, in St.

Pete, It was probably like all... That's all white retirees, too.

So it's just like... It's probably like, Oh, how are you doing, Sweet Hot?

Yeah, Sweet Hot. Well, it's mostly probably from the East Coast.

People from Jersey. The Jersey accent is taken over Tampa.

Jersey. Well, Tampa and Jersey. Similar. Really? Yeah, similar. There's a pipeline from Jersey to Tampa. I didn't know that. Yeah, it's underground. Oh, underground pipeline.

That's what I have that big old steakhouse. That's what that steakhouse is for. Is it to cover the portal? Correct. Have you been to that steakhouse, Burns?

Burns Steakhouse. Have you been there? Yeah.

I've never been there.

Why not?

Because I just I didn't have a chance to, I guess.

Because you should have gone.

I know. We were busy.

When you go on tour, do you make sure that you explore the city or you don't give a shit?

I try to do as much as I can, but I do less now because I feel like I have only so much energy. Sometimes, do I want to do that? Do I want to have to get up? Because a lot of times, if I'm touring at all or if I'm working in a city, if a movie or something like that, my job, I feel like, is to sleep.

I have to. Is to get rested.

I have to force myself to sleep, even though I really want to go. I want to go to a bunch of record stores and stuff. I used to all the time. I would go to every record store in a city. I would go there for hours and stuff. I would get drunk there.

I love those days.

The hangover thing for me now is-Different. I think it's a nonstarter, almost.

I know. But those days, I do remember in my mind, one of my favorite days on Earth was I walked around Queen Anne, the neighborhood in Seattle, and I met up with my buddy Brandon.

Dude, one of my best day is in Seattle, too.

Seattle.

I had a crab cake. It was the best crab I've ever had in my entire life with... What's that really cold vegetable? What the fuck is it called? It grows in the winter. Watercress. Watercress on a crab cake.

Get real. I went to a brewery in Seattle, sat at a table by myself, ingraceated myself to a table of four people. I said, Hey, can I join your table? And they were like, Yeah, sure. And then I said, Can I buy you a round of drinks? And then they were like, Oh, you You don't have to do that. You can sit and hang with us. Then I bought a couple of rounds and having a good time. I went out to the back, smoked a joint with this guy. Then I just walked down the water, met up with my buddy Brandon, had phenomenal seafood. And then we went paddleboarding out at Alki Beach. As I sat on the paddle board, I said, This is one of the greatest days of my fucking life.

This is pre-pandemic.

This is years ago. This has got to be seven or eight years ago now. But I was like, This is one of the greatest days of my fucking life. It felt like... You know in a day, you're like, Is everything Everything perfect. Everything lined up time-wise.

You did so much stuff. How did I do all this stuff?

But it didn't kill me. We weren't racing to get anywhere. It was fluid and easy, and everything felt like it was like- Natural. Yeah, we're like, Hey, at 3:30, I think we're going to meet there. I'm like, It's in an hour. That's great. I had an hour to get there. It's only 10 minutes away. It was like the timing of it. And then they were like, Oh, and then someone said, This guy's going to pick us up. He's going to take us back to their house. It's right next to your hotel. I'm like, Jesus Christ. It's almost like some days the universe is like, I'm going to give you something to remember.

I had a very similar thing in Seattle where it was like just things kept… I saw some friend of mine from Minnesota walking on the street because they stopped because they had a huge layover. So they just went down to the, what's it called, the fish market area there for a couple hours.

I think of the name of that fucking market.

Yeah, some lady who was saying at the same hotel as Duncan and I. She gave me a ride down there and I walked back up. Just all these weird little coincidences and stuff.

I like that stuff falls like that. With Duncan Trussell? Yeah. Love the dunk. We were there for a comedy. You missed that guy, huh? He's an Austin man now. I know. I'll people- Would you ever move down there?

I thought about it, but I don't know. I mean, it's... How about you? What do you think about it? No.

I mean- Never?

No. But why?

Why is it? Why is it? You know me.

I mean, you're set up here. Everything's good.

No, I like life here. I'm not going to stay in LA forever. No chance. Where did you go? Well, there's a lot of... I mean, there's a ton. Back to Chicago? Maybe, but Colorado is big on the meter. We love Colorado. Colorado.

Colorado is pretty nice. I fucking love it.

Yeah, or not proper, but outside. Yeah, somewhere outside. Utah. I actually fucking love Utah. Me too. I mean, Boise is... Honestly, I'm not moving there, but it's one of the most underrated cities. You got to wait a little bit. Huh?

Got to wait a little bit.

What is why? What's going on?

There was a huge influx of people to move there. California people. Yeah, they're like, Get the fuck out of here.

But it is one of the most underrated cities I've been to in a long time. Never been there. Oh, Boise is great.

They have Wolverines there.

Yeah, that's I want to go.

And grizzlies.

Yeah. Have you eaten them? They're delicious. Grizzlies? No, Wolverine.

I haven't.

No, I haven't had a chance. A little Wolverine, little cracked black pepper, little fucking extra virgin olive oil, surrounded on some truffle, black match potatoes.

I can't imagine. That's probably the least edible animal that has ever It got to be. It got to be.

It's going to be so tough.

The hardest to find. There's people who study Wolverine for decades. They see one in their whole life. Yeah, I saw one once. Using that documentary, Chasing the Fantom. No. It's the greatest documentary ever.

This is about Wolverine hunting?

Yes, it is so fucking cool. You get high, watch this.

Write that down, chasing the phantom. My respect.

For years, my answer machine message was a clip from that, where it's some guy from Michigan being like, I'm going to... Wolverine is going to climb what I want to climb, bite who he's going to bite, do what he wants to do, and go where he wants to go. These guys are obsessed with them.

Well, because they're tiny, right, too? They're hard to... They're tiny. They're little tiny things. And they're evasive.

And they have trackers on them. Like, oh, it just went over a 12,000-foot mountain. What? Just to eat a bone.

And then come back.

They're fucking psychos. They eat bones. That's how they said trapped swan. They put up a bone, something that nothing else wants to eat, and this thing is going to climb up and eat the goddamn bone.

Well, because they're really... And they're also... Are they close to going extinct? When they weren't, they were going to die out at one point. They were trying to make it so they weren't going to die out because they weren't plentiful or breeding. They're good? They're least concerned.

Good. Oh, my God. Least concerned. I don't make a T-shirt that says that about me. Least concerned.

Johnny Pemberton.

I like to stay in the realm of least concerned. We all community should have a spread like that instead of the danger thing, it's like, where do you fall in terms of society's feelings about you? Probably way down here. Least concerned. I want to stay in least concerned.

They were recently protected. I told you that. That's right. I feel like I read something that said- Habitat loss? Well, they were- A lot of genetic diversity. Yeah, something about they That's probably because of habitat loss.

Everything's habitat loss.

Yeah, we're fucking all their shit up. I had a guy, climate change, too. They said, yeah, they keep moving around. They keep finding new places to live, and they're not suitable for them, so they die. Why do I know this about Wolverines? This is another thing I just learned the other day from a podcast called... I don't know.

That'd be a cool name for a podcast.

I don't know. I don't know.

I'm changing my name to mind that, honestly.

I don't know.

It's the thing we got to... You want me to go Did somebody say it? Yeah. It's called... I don't know.

Everyone's like, Is your buddy okay?

How do you spell that?

I'm going to cut you off, sir. That's it. Yeah, you've had enough. That's why I got cut off? Yeah.

I was trying to whistle my name.

I don't know. What are you?

What are you? What are you saying, though, about the Wolf?

This is wild. I learned that if the sun were relatable in time to human years, like if it was a human, it would be middle-aged. It's almost halfway through its life. Look up You know how old the sun is. It's just wild. It did a whole thing about if it was basically going through life, it'd be middle-aged. Of course, a bunch of corny middle-aged jokes came to my mind about the sun. Oh, God.

Like a bunch of reading cards.

The sun just bought a Corvette. You know that? Yeah.

The sun just bought a Corvette.

Yeah, he got a divorce again.

The son's late for his life.

He's now living in a studio apartment in Van Nys. 4.6 billion. Yeah, 4.6 billion. They said it has another 5 billion years left before it should go bye-bye.

So we got some time.

But it's halfway through its life. Isn't that crazy to think? We're experiencing its half-life.

Yeah, but some say this is the best years.

I would argue he's probably more settled in his spirituality. I bet you the son has a good grip on who he likes, who he doesn't want to hang out with anymore. Has some savings? A couple of bucks. He's got a 401k. He's probably not going out as much as he used to.

Not going out as much. He knows who he is.

There was a great comic who had, and I don't remember who it was. Maybe this will ring a bell to you. He had a great joke about how the son is the worst thing on Earth because it's evil and trying to hurt you, and it's not fun to be around. But he said that the moon is this sensual, brilliant, calling genius who's like, Come get fucked up with me. I'll let you be out a long time. I won't threaten you. I won't shine a light on anything that you're doing. Do you know who this is? It was a long good bit, too.

I'm the worst, though. I remember the joke, but never who says it. I always get in trouble where I will repeat a joke. I just have no idea who to credit it to. Someone's like, Who is he?

I But he did this whole dance about how the moon is this beautiful best friend that always wants to go like, Hey, let's go. I can't. Isn't it late? It's like, No, no, no.

That makes sense because I always feel like that. When you're in college, like partying a ton, I felt like I had two... There's two people. There's the part inside at night. It's like Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde. Where they never meet, but they're always fucking each other up. Yeah.

I hated it. It was always a night. I don't like day drinking. I'm not a big day drinker. It's hard for me. I'm ready to nap. I like it now. See, I'm a big night. I can cruise to the night. I would rather sit on my patio with a couple of friends, drink and smoke a joint, and drink and talk until way early in the morning. There's something about it that's sexy, that it's like everything's still.

I like that, too, I guess.

Because day drinking, I get drunk in the sun.

Okay, see, I don't like day drinking. The beach, I'm not a beach.

I don't drink at the beach, no.

No, the beach, I'm like, I'm so dehydrated already.

I don't even go into the beach. Look at this. I'm not going to the beach.

No, I don't do the beach.

No.

It's two suns. Instead of the one sun, you have the other sun that's reflecting off the water. Yeah, it hurts. You're in a place with zero shade. Yeah, I don't like it. I need shade. If they had big, giant boulders on a beach that had a lot of shade, I would be interested in that.

Rocky Beach.

Yeah, Rocky Beach is nice. Massive boulders the size of a small apartment. You can hide in for a couple of hours. Then I would be okay with beach. That's fine.

Outside of that, you're not going to the fucking beach.

No. I'll do it a couple of times a year.

Someone said that the other day. They're like, California is great. You guys have the ocean, you have the mountains. I said, I haven't been to the beach. I honestly don't remember.

The beach traffic is- Forget about it. At one time was so pissed that I literally ripped off a button-up shirt. I was so honest. Fucking just ripped it off in the car. I'm like, We've been in a car for a fucking hour at this point. I just ripped it off like Bruce Banner or some shit.

I just can't stand that shit. What now at your… I actually didn't even give any contact. Johnny and I have known each other probably… Almost 20 years? Yeah, maybe something like that, 17 or 18 years, something like that. It's so funny how much the scene has changed in stand-up.

It has changed so significantly.

It's all different now.

That I feel like it's gone through different… Someone told me years ago that it changed Everything changes in Hollywood every two years, which is true. If you can wait out a wave, something will be different.

Try to catch one of those waves that applies to you.

Totally. But I feel like now we've had a cycle of… It's like a double turnover, not even It's changed so significantly.

It's cool to watch everyone's career that we started with people that have taken different shape and where people have gone. It's interesting to see how people go because when you're young, I think we all have this idea of where we're going to end up in this game. You want to do everything. Yeah, and then you realize that you'll probably do almost nothing. You'll do something very specific to you, and then that's it.

Because that's all you can really do. I didn't think I would get into acting like this at all.

I really did not have no idea. You act so much much more than I ever… When we were young, you were always so… I mean, have always been so creative and funny. When you started getting into acting, I was like, Oh, that's a… It's almost like a perfect marriage of your comedy and your ability, but I didn't know you were going to be an actor. I didn't think you wanted to be an actor.

I didn't know either.

Yeah, you just did it.

Yeah. I remember years ago, when I first started comedy, there was someone I was in a sketch group with, and he was a really attractive guy, and he got some Casting director saw him at a coffee shop, and she asked, Are you an actor? And he says, No, I'm a comedian. No, I'm not an actor. No. Denied it flat.

I think it was gross.

Yeah. How could you even think that?

It's like she said, Are you a wart? Yeah. Are you a wart?

It's like, No, I'm a growth.

I'm a boil.

I'm not a wart. I'm a mole. It is like that. There's a part of me that still feels there's something about that that's like- It's dirty. It's dirty. It just doesn't have the same level of nuance or I don't know.

It's a different world. I understand this. Well, because we're in LA, too. All the New York guys are like, Was that a sneeze?

That was.

Jesus Christ. Hold it in, dude. Let it go. Don't hold it in. You're going to end up with a no colon.

Yeah, that's how I got it.

He held in a sneeze too long.

That's the surgery. They just make you sneeze and it goes shoots out. The rest of the four hours of them just parted me like, Wow, did you see that? It just came out.

But you're under, you have no idea. They just throw a ranger.

I just put some weird powder in my nose. I'm under anesthesia. Oh, wow. Just shot right out.

No, I just think it's this thing where New York comics for years, everyone was like, Well, you're an actor. You're not a stand-up. Dude, they hate it. I started as stand-up.

Me, too. I started as a stand-up.

Yeah, we got into the other thing.

But there's so many people who were like, That's how they see me. The way they're right, because I definitely don't do as much stand-up as people who are hardcore stand-up.

Who cares, though?

I care sometimes because time spent is time spent.

I know, but that's all a pride thing when they say something that you know the truth about. It doesn't really matter. At some point, we're getting older where you're like, Okay, whatever you say, I don't give a shit. It's not going to affect me. I'm going to keep doing it the way I want to do it. And the time balance of it, again, we said this before we started the show. As you get a little bit older in this business, you start to learn what you actually don't give a fuck about anymore. Because you just don't You don't have time. You're like, I'm not doing that shit anymore. Fuck that. There's just no time.

That's the thing I realized more is I just don't… Sometimes I'm going to do some pilot here next week. I have to cancel a bunch of stuff.

You shouldn't have a network TV pilot or a cable pilot?

Cable pilot.

Nice, dude. Yeah.

I mean, what is Network now?

There's three channels. Technically, but- We're going back to the days when there was just three channels, and there was two shows on those three channels.

But some of these premium streamers, it's like they have a bigger footprint than Network. Of course.

It's weird. But are they paying you any money now? Because last time I did a thing for Netflix, I think they gave me lunch and a hug. I think I got lunch and a hug on the way out.

It all depends, because now if you do have a show on Network, you're not getting any residuals.

It's not like it used to be. No. Not like those old guys that were getting. I read an article today that said, Is Terrence Howard suing? He's suing someone because when he was on Empire, it was competing numbers with Big Bang Theory, and they were He's getting five times what he made, and he's suing saying that this is... Who is he suing?

I bet Terrence. What is he doing in the CAA?

He's suing his agency.

That's great. But Terrence Howard is a... He's a strange one.

Is he?

Yeah, I know nothing about the guy. He has his own math.

What?

Yeah. I love the guy. He is a brilliant actor, but he is a- Am I not?

Do I not know any of this shit? What do you mean? He has his own number system?

It's one of those things, where Oh, you're an actor.

You know what I mean?

This is not a comedian. No, no, no.

This is an actor. Oh, you're an actor.

Oh, you're an actor. Okay. Oh, you're an actor. You've come up with this idea that the number system we're currently using, it's not quite for you, is it?

What is it? Like two plus six? It's- One times one equals two.

We call it in five pages on Twitter.

One times one is two. One times one is two. Okay. Well, because one times one, there's two of us. Good job, Terrence Howard. I agree with the guy. You know what? I'm adopting his number system. Fuck all this traditional bullshit.

Maybe it helps. Maybe I should do it, too. Maybe it's what I need.

It's a little bit of gas. Are you a T. Howard guy now? Are we in?

I've always liked the guy. He's got a great presence.

But I like a guy who sues an agency. That's fucking rad. That is the most bossy thing you can possibly do. Fuck, yeah, dude. Sue an entire company?

Just sue one of the big ones. Sue one of the big big old ones. Go ahead, go ahead, T. Howard. Just sue one of the big old boys.

The idea of suing such a massive controlling company in our business is fucking rad. It's like Andrew Santino sue's MGM. I mean, that would be… You know what I mean? I do like it, though. If you're going to go after somebody, why did it say again? Did it say because of the payment? Yeah, it was because of the payment. Saying that he wasn't making as much as other competing shows were making at the time? It was. Oh, right. Because they repped the same people. That's what it was.

Who knows?

It's also So slimy. They can't just leave him out there like that, man. You can't just maroon him. All right. And you know what? It was right there. And I had the,. You're Chuch over here. Hey, come on. Look at me. Who am I? I'm Mr. Chuch. Look at me. I'm Mr. Chuch. I'm just jazzing you. All right.

I'm just jazzing you.

I'm just- I'm just jazzing all over you.

I'm just jazzy off.

Where does Josh and you come from? Is Josh and you? Where do you think that when someone goes, I'm just Josh- I don't like Josh. I don't like the name.

No, that makes me feel like... That's when people say a maize ball or when someone says- Oh, that's so funny. You know what the worst is? Is shits and giggles.

Just for shits and giggles. I can't handle that. Well, that's because of the...

That's probably because of that. That's because of your- It's probably because anything related to shit.

Anything shit, you're like, All right, that's enough.

I shit enough. I shit enough for I did the math the other day, actually, how many shits I've taken in my life. I think I've taken enough shits to be like 500 years old.

Because you're supposed to take how many shits a day? Three, two?

I think maybe two is about average.

One to two is my number. It depends on the day.

Let's say 1.5..

Yeah, one and a half. Yeah.

So I've definitely lived many, many lifetimes in the bathroom, which is interesting to think about.

I have to do the math because this is like blowing my mind right now. 365 days of the year, I'm 40 years old. So I've lived for 14,000 days. Okay. So 14,600 days times 1.5 shits. I should have shot 21,000 times.

But also you got to think about baby years when you probably shot a lot more.

No, my mother told me I only shot once a day when I was a baby. Oh, really? That's good discipline. We recorded it. Damn. On my bedroom wall, I have notches on the wall.

Every time I shit. Oh, my God. You have to do that if you haven't got a kid. Just shit.

Just do notches on every time you- Could you imagine that?

What a gift that would be your kid. This piece of oak that's got Son, this is every time you take this shit. You're like, Oh.

Someone will think it's a banksy. They're like, That's a banksy. Do you know that? That poop table, that's a banksy poop table.

The therapist is like, This is a... I don't know. Did your dad count your shit?

The stuttering therapist is such a great character. It's like an SNL character.

Stuttering therapist.

You're here, Brother, kill them, sister self, self, self. Yes, You're so terrible. What does Josh and me mean? Did you figure it out? What is it? First of all, guess how old it actually is. Josh and?

1800s.

I'm going to go from... Is that right? Damn. I was going to say way after that.

I do like an 1800s one.

When a young man named Josh Tatum noticed the nickels minted in 1883 were almost the same as the five dollar gold pieces in terms of size and design, he and a friend began to electroplate those coins and pass them off as five dollar pieces, eventually assuming a small fortune before being conned. So he's a conman. My man. So Josh is actually conning. Not kidding. It's conning. Wow.

Are you joshing me?

So now I like the phrase. If it's used correctly, this is conning someone. This is good. He was joshing everybody all over town.

He joshed the shit out of the… He took Walmart for 5 million Josh.

Damn. So he was minting coins because they imitated other worth. That's genius, by the way. Good for you, Josh Tatum.

Josh Tatum. Josh, where was this?

Hold on, let's guess. What was the year? '18 what? The coins were minted in 1883. I'm going to say this has got to be in like- East of the Mississippi. Well, of course. But I'm guessing… I'd like to think that this was somewhere in the Virginia.

I was going to say that my I was in North Carolina, maybe like… You know what? I'm going to say DC area. Okay, that's close to me.

From Boston to New York. Fucking Massachusetts. I thought Massachusetts.

I'm closer.

Technically.

Yes, technically.

Yeah, but Virginia, DC. Dc, Virginia. I think we're one in the same. Dc is Virginia.

But isn't it closer to up there than? Uh-uh.

We're one in the same. I have to look on a map because I'm stupid, but I'm pretty sure. It is.

You're right. Okay, so we tied.

Yeah, we tied. But my instinct was... Here, let me see. Map-wise, Virginia, yeah. I mean, I guess because… All right, I'll give it to you.

Thank you. What do I get?

What does he get? Give it to him. Blanton's. Give him a thing.

Blanton's 25.

You're aged. Yeah, you can take one of those home if you want. I will. I guess he was a deaf mute. I think the story is fake. Why? No, we're going to go with it, though. I like it. Are you on Wikipedia? Are you on Mayo Clinic?

This makes sense, though. Coinweek.

Com. Oh, Coinweek. That's a valid publication.

I keep all my back issues.

I used to have the magazines, but they stopped making them for some reason.

Yeah, I got joshed. Turned out it was Time magazine with the Coin Week on the cover.

I got joshed from them.

That makes sense. He's a deaf guy because it's like, you know.

Well, yeah, a deaf con artist. Yeah.

So your visual acuity has been... You get little bonus points, right? Because you're not hearing... You're not distracted by sounds. You're like, I'll do the voice.

Do it. Go ahead.

I can't do it. I can't. Honestly, it's one of the best as I I can't do.

A deaf voice?

Yeah.

These coins are worth more than you think. That's Josh and you. These are worth more than you imagine. I do love me a good deaf voice. And you know what? I'm not making fun of it. I'm not making fun of it. I'm just imitating it. I am Hank Azaria. I'm doing a pooh. That's all it is.

How is he doing with that? What's his whole deal?

I don't remember what I know, but that was such a big fucking to do. Oh, my God.

What a to do.

Well, here's the deal. I understand people being like, You should have an Indian guy voice an Indian character. Sure. I get it. Thirty fucking years ago, they were like, That's how it started. And now it's gone so far that they're like… I think, is it now still voiced by him or is it voiced by somebody else, a Pooh?

Oh, he He's not doing it.

I don't know. I think he kept doing it for quite a while after that. I don't- He publicly apologized.

He shouldn't have to apologize.

I like how Matt Groening didn't have to fucking do it. He didn't have to. He doesn't care at all.

I bet he's insulated from everything, probably.

He's one of those guys that's so rich and successful, but you never hear anything about him.

Yeah, I think he probably just stays low. He doesn't want to.

If you got to that level in your career, where do you go and what is your life now?

I don't know because I like to be out and about.

You want to be in the mix. You don't want to be isolated.

Yeah, I like going to Renfair. But that's even... I don't know.

So you don't have a dream destination that you would live out your remaining years. If you retired in 20 years and you're like, I'm done and I did it.

Hawaii.

That's great. Any island in particular?

Probably the big island.

Love the big island. You know why?

I've never been, actually. What? Yeah, I've only been to the other islands, but I have- Big Island is my favorite. I know it's going to be my favorite.

Because it's the least touristy. Exactly. There's almost no tourist there. It's the biggest. It's the biggest. That's probably it. That's Trump's reason. It's the biggest island.

The biggest one.

We like the biggest ones. It's the least touristy, and it's- It's got beef. The microclimates are crazy. Oh, right. Yeah. So on one side of the island, it's always raining. On the other side, almost never rains. I mean, they get some rains, but it's just not as... It's crazy. They'll be like, Oh, it's raining on the other side of the island today, right now. And you'll look at me like, What do you mean? It doesn't look like it at all. I went there three years in a row for an event, for this event.

For a comedy?

No, for a golf charity event. It was great. Then now they've moved it. But we loved going there because it was like... It's It's not like Honalulu.

Yeah, Honalulu.

Chaos.

I mean, it's nice in a sense, but it's not like... It's just so...

It's a city. It's cool, but it's just so busy that you're like, Is this vacation or am I just near home? It feels like LA adjacent where you're like, So many fucking people. What did you look up? I thought you were just looking that up. What we were looking at- The Josh and thing. Did you find out that's real?

That's what I was- Why would it not be real?

I just said on the bottom of that, it's like an urban legend type thing, the first- We'll take it, though. We'll take it. I don't want to discredit it. I'd rather just keep it like that. I don't want it to feel…

There should be a Twain Dictionary, like a Mark Twain Dictionary, where everything's allegedly.

Yes. So we think- It's all just… So they say.

So they say. So Mark Twain says that- There is something beautiful about that's what we've all thought for so long, and then it's fine. Because collective thought counts.

It's not hurting anybody. If that story is not hurting anybody, it doesn't matter. I mean, he was a con man. And by the way, wasn't he just tricking the government or tricking- Well, technically, he's tricking whoever he's passing that off as unless he's turned- But they don't get hurt by it. Only the mint does, right?

Yeah, I don't know. I mean, it's one of those things I haven't done yet. Well, let's do it. I was thinking about it.

What establishment would you rob if you could rob one? If you were a thief.

Like not a bank?

Yeah, if it's not a bank. It's bank's too easy. Man, not a bank. What do you rob now?

What do you rob now? Who's got the most cash on hand, though?

That's what's hard. No one has cash anymore.

That's why- Dollar General.

Dollar General.

Yeah, because they're bad.

Yeah, I keep hearing this. That's so funny.

They're like special bad.

Yeah, they're uniquely awful for people.

Yeah. Well, not just that.

Yeah. So they're like baby Walmarts.

They're ripping off the people who have the least money in the world.

Because they think they're getting a deal, but then they go in and they spend more money than they would if they went somewhere.

Because they change the prices. It's like robbing from children or something like that. Of all the people, you're going to... What's that scene in, what is it? Christmas Vacation? Remember the cop shows up? He's like, I should beat you with a rubber hose. That's the best line. Mr.

Of all the low down dirty. Yeah, that's such a good line.

If I a rubber hose. I'm in state re-instating the bonuses.

By the way, such an underrated actor, Brian Bell.

Brian Bell. Oh, my God.

I got to work with him one time on Children's Hospital. He's the best. Did you ever do that show? No. I love Children's Hospital. You remember it, though, right? Yeah, absolutely. I did a scene where I was a figment of their imagination. I was a leprechaun who was dying in bed.

A leprechaun, huh? For you?

Yeah. It was going to me or Bobby Lee. But I'm dying in bed, like Seamus, like O' baggy pants or something. And Brian Delmery was in this, and it was very young in the group, and I was so fucking nervous, man. And he walked by and he said, How you doing, kid? And I was like, Oh, pretty good. I'm from Chicago. You know what I mean? Because I wanted some... He's like, Oh, man, Cubs guy? I said, Yeah. And he goes, Wonderful. And then he walked away. And for me, I was like, That's good. We're best friends. That's all I needed. We're best friends. Yeah, me and BDM, we're just homies now.

Yeah, he's a great actor. He's got that thing where he just does small things.

But he does them very well.

There's some scene, I think it's a vacation or one of the vacations where he's playing a guy who works at some like an RV park or something. He's eating a watermelon. Oh, yeah. I watched that scene over and over again because it's just his physical, the way he's physicalizing.

They're putting out the seeds. Yeah.

Just like, what the fuck?

Even him in Caddy Shack, people don't even know that that was him. That was Lou in the catty room because he looks so different. Yeah. He's Lou. That's the- I haven't watched that movie in a long time. Oh, my God. It's so good. But it's so funny to think. That, to me, is where I always dreamed one day I could get to, where you can pop in and do small cool roles where you get to do good character stuff.

I get to. I feel pretty lucky with that.

Well, you're good at it, so it's worth it. You're shooting now. No touring.

I got some dates in the distance.

You want to plug them right now?

Yeah, I think I'll be in New York doing Minnesota Reggae Colostomy bag. I think July 17th at the Soho Playhouse.

Oh, beautiful.

Yeah. Then I got some dates in the Midwest in September, like Minneapolis, Milwaukee, I think in maybe Eau Claire. I'm not really sure what those are, but those are far away. You can all find them on the website, though. Or on Instagram. Johnny Pemberton. Johnnypemberton.

Dog.. Dog. I really love Minnesota. Shout out to Minnesota last time where we had a great time. I thought taping my next special, that might be one of the cities. I put it in my rotation of one of the… What was the theater we played in Minnesota? Parkway? State Theater. State Theater. Loved it.

You know what? I feel the same way about Chicago.

I love Chicago, too. It's just such a big fucking market that I don't know. Something about Minnesota feels pretty good.

Well, I think it's probably because it's close to what you know, but it's not the same. Correct. That's why I truly love Chicago. I tried to live there after college. I wanted so badly to move there. What was your college, by the way? Went to Florida State.

You're an old dude.

I'm an old.

You're an only dude.

I'm an only. I'm an older. Go Nola, baby.

I did not know you're a Florida State guy. You and Bert Kreisher.

Yeah.

Well, he's how older? He's older than me. You wouldn't cross over, although he was there for nine years.

He was. I don't think. I think we just probably just miss each other.

Yeah, 42. I think he's like 53, 54. How old is he now? 51. He put him in close, though.

Yeah, but I think we met.

I don't know. I think you said seven years. I think that's what it Yeah.

It was a long time.

An old guy, then you tried to live in Chicago.

I wanted to because I wanted to take classes at Second City. That's what I wanted to do. I had a plan for it and everything. I was playing in a band. They all moved to Chicago. So I was really into indie rock back then.

No band life anymore?

No.

Never again?

I would do it.

I don't know. What did you play in the band? I played bass.

Actually, I played drums in this band. I played drums in this band, but I played bass. How are you talented? Johnny Pemberton. I know bass way better than drums. My drumming is competent. I I can just do basic rock drums, but I played bass for a long time.

I was like- Do you still play today for fun at the house?

No. Why not? Because I just don't. Because it's like playing bass by yourself is not fun. Who cares?

No. What do you mean? Of course it is.

You know what? The garage is getting remodeled. Do it, babe. I'm going to get everything. I'm blowing all the dust off the records.

You can do Seinfeld theme all day.

I could do that. Or maybe more like some slap bass stuff, I guess.

Whenever I heard the Seinfeld theme, it annoyed me, by the way. Love the show. It is terrible.

I hated the theme. It's super annoying.

I was always like, Shut up.

It's also a keyboard.

It's not a real thing. That's right. He did it on the keyboard. I remember watching. It's disappointing. Pbs, I think one time did the behind the scenes of it. They did? Yeah, they made It seemed like it was so like- Seinfeld, America's beloved comedy show.

I love the voice they use for that. It's always the guy from 60 Minutes talking to someone funny, but it's like, has been delighting audiences for decades. Now we're going to take a peek in Billy Crystal's real life. This is the car that Billy drives a set every day.

And then it comes to them talking. He goes, I don't drive this every day, but I drive it most of the day. They always contradict what they're talking about in the set up.

Billy. They're always so soft on him. You see Katie Keurig interview a little Wayne, remember that years ago? It was such a big deal. She's just dating him, basically. She's so into him. What's going on, Wheezy? What's going on?

How's life?

The tension is so thick.

While you think they clip Do you think Katie Keurick and Lil Wayne would be a couple?

I think she definitely hit that.

Well, that was for a short period of time. Definitely. 50 Cent dated- What's wrong with me?

I don't know about this. Yeah, 50 Cent dated- Reina Shriver?

No, come on, dude. Chelsea Handler.

He did? Yes. You're not remember this. Dude, that is cool. You know what that is right there? That is both of them thinking like, This is going to work for me.

Good PR move.

Because he's a genius. He's a genius marketer guy. Oh, yeah. He's a businessman. She is, too. Yeah.

They're both just- They're both just- That was 2011. You don't remember this?

No. He was relatively home weekly.

Twelve years later, she named 50 Cent as her favorite actor. 50 Cent and Chelsea handler, a very unlikely couple in my mind.

I bet they just sat around like…

Okay.

Strategizing? Yeah, I bet there was no fucking. It was just talking about bills and stuff.

Yeah. By the way, 50 Cent right now is all over my FYP. What do he do? Well, because he's been talking shit about Diddy for years, and now that Diddy is getting caught up. I mean, you can see the number of videos where 50 Cent calls him out. Insane.

But Diddy's for real called out, right?

No, he's in deep shit. They're trying to extradite him from wherever. They can't find him, right? Isn't he gone?

No way.

He's lost? Well, yeah, he's on the show lost. They're redoing Lost, and it's Find Diddy.

That's the new- It's called What did Diddy do?

What did What did he do?

Where did did he go? What did he do to you?

J. B. Smooth hosts, What It Diddy Do. A show called What It Diddy Do.

I just have a joke about- You got to find this, motherfucker.

What did did he do? Yeah, but 50 Cent has been calling his ass out for so long saying, there was one clip that circulated. It was So fucking funny where he's like, When the fuck are we going to hang out? And 50 is like, Whenever, man. I don't know. Whatever. And he's like, Come on, man. I want to go shopping. Let's go shopping. What? And he goes, I don't know, man. I don't know. And he goes, I'll pay. And then 50 is like, This motherfucker just asked me out on a date. He's going to take me shopping. But he's been calling him out on radio shows, on TV shows for 10 years. Then he was like, Yo.

He's like, Yo, so when we're going to get the chance to To kick it, we could just hang out.

We got to kick it.

Paul, he telling me we got to kick it.

He's like, Yo, why don't we go shopping or some shit?

I mean, I pay for it. I was like, The fuck this nigga just saying? I got the fuck away from him because I was like, This nigga, the fuck are you? This nigga just tell me he take me shopping.

Ditty. They're going to get you, Diddy. What did Diddy do?

I had a joke about Diddy years ago.

Give it. Can we hear it?

Oh, no. It was like I will basically do an impression of him, like rapping. That's what I did in Montreal. I'm pretty sure.

That was your new faces?

Yeah, my new faces was doing this rap bit where I'd actually literally tell the DJ in the back to restart the CD. I would just be free styling over a beat, pretending to be P-Dead. I was making fun of him because I thought he was stupid because his lyrics were like, Motorcycles, big cars, tons of money. Yeah, dog. Lamborghini's and shit. We doing it. Okay, start over. Okay. Money. A huge hot tub made out of money. A hot tub made out of gold with money inside. Start over. The most time a car that's a hot tub made of money with money inside. Bitches and stuff.

They would just do that. So you just kept going back starting it over every time. That's so good.

Because his lyrics are just so dumb.

It's just about- Ice, money, hose, clothes, shoes, my nose is bloody, coke, hose. It's pretty good.

Damn.

Yeah. I could hear that. You got to go back to hose.

Ice, My nose, clothes, shoes, dirty, buddy, got that money, got a dirty butt hole, and it's still we're coming. You got to have what's his name? Mace go.

Yeah, that was always inserted in the rap like that.

Every Cutie with a booty got a coochy. That's the classic. That's the best. Just 25 years old.

That is the best.

That's 25 years old, right? That line? I know.

Yeah, we're getting older now.

Every Cutie with a Booty Got a coochy.

Coochee.

That's Mace, right? In the background?

Yeah, 100 %. Or maybe. Maybe it's Ditty. If we find out it as one of Ditty's concubines. Oh, yeah. They're going to use that in court. Mr. Ditty, can you listen to this clip and tell me who that is in the background? Ladies and gentlemen out there, please go see Johnny P's show. Say it again, so I remember it. Reggae?

Oh, Minnesota Reggae Colossomy Bag.

Minnesota Reggae Colossomy bag. Yeah. Minnesota Regay. Colossomy bag. Go see it. Go to Johnnypemberton. Dogg. To get those tickets. We'll put the link in the description below. I appreciate you coming. Look at that camera right there. You're single. We end the show with one word or one phrase. That's going to end the episode. Whenever you're ready, you go ahead.

Chooch..

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are huge as well. You are only fine owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers, oh, hell no.

This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger.

I like gingers.