In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are fugely. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers, oh, hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger.

I like ginger. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whisky Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's the return of Benny Blanco. Benjamin Blanco.

We're already on. It's already live. Yeah, it's already rolling.

We were just talking- Cheers to you. Cheers. Now, you're doing an ice. I'm doing no ice.

Now, what did you say about this one? You said this was like- It's 10 in the morning, by the way.

Yeah. Let's have a little sip.

Oh, that dude.

Delicious, right?

This one is great. This tastes like water.

It's so smooth. It's also you're sick. You have no taste and no smell. Yeah, I have no...

What What's up with these glasses?

Well, they're supposed to be not on a coaster.

And this is cool?

Yeah, it's very cool.

Is there some reason or is it just fashion?

Fashion. Okay. Like these pants. Yeah. There's no reason for those. What do you mean a man made me these in Japan? A man in Japan made you your pants, man? Yeah, man. Benjamin Blanco, last time I saw you, I was in your home in your backyard.

Yes.

You still live at the same place?

No, I move every week. You do? No, same place.

Same spot? Joe, put up the address right here. My editor Joe is going to put up his home address right here. Joe. We'll put up Benny's home address and his email and his phone number right underneath. I don't have an email.

Really? No email.

I really don't have an email. Sideshowjew@gmail. Com is not yours? No. Because I've been emailing that weekly.

That's Joe. Oh, wow. Wait, I actually don't have an email. Do you have an email? Who emails?

You don't have an email address? No. What an insane thing to even say. Of course, you have an email address. I do not email. This is why you ride in the back seat of your manager's car. Do you drive cars anymore now? Are you too famous?

Well, I got my license when I was 35.

How old are you now?

Thirty-six. When was COVID? How many years ago?

Well, it's 2004. Started in 2020. Okay. You don't even know math anymore. You got so famous. You got so famous and rich. That you don't even know math. I don't know math. That's embarrassing. I don't know math.

No, in 2020, I got my license.

2020, during COVID? During COVID. When's the last time you drove your own vehicle?

A few weeks ago.

So Every couple of weeks, you'll step in the car?

Yeah, just to make sure my motor skills.

You just get in there and you go, beep, beep, boom, boom. They're like, Benjamin, get out of the car.

Yeah, it's actually not even driving. It's on blocks.

They give you a simulator to drive in the garage?

They give me a little simulator.

Are you still making music? What are you doing right now? Because you're here promoting a book, but are you still making music?

I am making music.

Tell us the name of the book.

Open Wide.

Open Wide. You were supposed to have it on here, but you don't. I know you denied it. The nice young lady handed it to you when you were like this.

I thought I would have had it. Should I get it now? No, it's too late. Can she open the door?

We'll put a picture of it right here.

Okay. Joe, put a picture right here. Yey high.

If you could put a picture over his face.

Just write over his head and face.

That's actually fine. If you put the book right over his head.

I'm so ugly. You know what the crazy thing is, I really believe... We actually put it in, Dave. I believe that I'm actually so ugly and my features are so grotesque that I popped out the other side, and now I'm just a hot guy.

I disagree.

I think I'm hot. Do you think you're hot?

I'm definitely better looking than you for sure. No. Yeah, just on a- You're so red. On an objective scale. You're so red. If you put me and you in the street up against each other, just as random men, they'd be like, This guy is odd. You think so? I'm 6'1. I'm a full-size guy.

Okay, you're 6'1. What if it was just our heads?

You look like that guy from Ice Age. What's that? I do.

I look exactly that's what everyone on the internet always says. Wait, if we were just our heads floating, I think I have a good shot. No.

Just our heads? No chance. Okay. The head is the worst part about you. No, that's what I meant. If it was your body would look normal. No, I'm too small. I know, right? It would just be a little... They'd go, who's that 15-year-old boy right there with Harry arms?

Do you have a good book, though? Yeah. How good?

It's great. No.

It's definitely... Your looks like that. It's so red.

Yeah, it's It's a great ride, but it's still big.

It's as red. How big?

Not that big. I think I'm like- There's going to be people who are going to...

Who know.

He knows. He's actually seen it before. How is it?

Is it like, Oh, okay?

No, you would just go, Nice.

Yeah, nice. Nice.

Nice dick.

Nice dick. Okay, but you won't be like... No girls ever been like, Oh, my God.

Well, yeah, that would be big. I never said that big. Okay. Mine just goes, Oh, yeah, that's nice. That's a good dick.

Now, do you want to know the best part about mine? I'm 5'5, so everything looks huge.

Looks big. What size of feet are you? Like an eight and a half. Right. I'm on 12 and a half. Do you see what's going on here?

Yeah. I think my dick might be bigger than yours. Doubt it.

I think so. You might be long, skinny dick, but I have a thick dick.

No, I'm like Dave. I'm a fucking... That's it, huh? I'm a square. It's just a square. It's a square? Yeah, it's a square. I have one of those square- All right, well, how about this?

Let's ask the love of your life. How did you get a woman like Selena Gomez to date you? For real. I mean that with every sense of my being. I lost a lot of respect for her when I found out you were dating her because I've known you for years, and I don't know her at all. I think from afar, she's a lovely person.

She's incredible.

Then she is. She's incredible. A great actor, a great performer, a great artist, beautiful, sweet, seems so humble. Then I found out one day I was in the shower and my wife said, Hey, Benny is dating Selena Gomez. I turned the shower to cold all the way and I sat there for about 30 minutes just in a cold shower.

Yeah, I understand.

Disappointed.

I understand. I ask myself the same question every day. If I walk by the mirror, I'm like, Oh, my. What? Yeah, It's insane.

No, you're a beautiful little man. All jokes aside, enough of the deprecation. You're a beautiful little man. But I did lose a lot of respect for her as an artist.

She's amazing.

She's incredible. I hope the views go down on Only Murders because of this.

No, no, no, no.

I hope because of this, they I don't know. The show gets canceled. We just can't have you dating that guy, that cookbook guy. By the way, I have been following your Graham and your TikTok closely, and all of the new cooking videos that you've been putting out. They're terrible. Very entertaining. Entertaining? Yeah, it was fun. Oh, thank God. It's fun like the day I came over to your house and did that thing with you guys, with you and Maddie.

Oh, yeah. I mean, dude, Maddie became the most important man alive.

I'm a little disappointed that I think you're mad at people's successes.

Yes. Yeah. So you're mad that I date Selena, and you're very mad that Maddie- Kissed a guy on TV. Kissed a man. You wish it was you. I actually, I got sad.

No, I wouldn't kiss a guy on TV. You wouldn't? Not unless it's paid. Paid? If they paid me to play a character to kiss a man in a film or a television show.

Why wouldn't you do that?

Because that's paid as I'm an actor.

No, no, no, no. Why wouldn't you just kiss a man?

Well, because I'm a straight... I'm a heterosexual male. Yeah, but so is he?

He was just-No, he's not.

God, this guy, he came sick.

Guys, this room is so small. Can we do a follow-up in six days with your illness?

Yeah, I'm getting sick for sure. It's embarrassing that you come. Just cancel. Why didn't you cancel?

I can't cancel. I can't cancel on you.

You never canceled on anything.

I don't cancel.

Never once have you canceled.

No, I remember the last meeting I missed. It was four and a half years ago. Jesus Christ. Do you cancel a lot?

I cancel if I'm sick, yeah.

I'm not that. I don't know if I'm contagious anymore.

I doubt it. How long has this been? Like eight days. He literally said, I have no taste and no smell.

Yeah, but I don't have COVID, I swear. Okay. I think when I played basketball yesterday, it all went away.

And then it came back at night.

Yeah, at night time.

Do you have an air purifier at night?

No, I like it freezing in my room. I have a blasting air.

Yeah, but you got to get an air purifier in there.

Oh, yeah, I have one. A humidifier.

Yeah. And then this still didn't help, huh?

No, I'm sick. I'm not like, what do you mean?

Yeah, but eight days and sports. But how often do you work out?

I work out four times a week, and then I play sports once a week.

What do you do in your workouts? What's a Benny Blanco workout?

We do like... Do you work out?

Come on, dude. If we took our clothes off, it's like, what are we talking about?

I think we both look pretty good.

I'm in great shape.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you work out a lot? Yeah.

I do something all the time.

Yeah, I just do it for anxiety and stress and stuff. Really? To make you feel like it's the one time where you really aren't thinking about anything. I don't think when I work out. I'm just working out. And I work out with my friends. We all go to the gym together.

You have a trainer?

Yeah, we have a trainer.

What gym?

It's at a man's.

Private It's a fancy private gym?

Yeah, I guess so.

It's a fancy private gym.

It's a fancy private gym.

Where do you work at Gold's gym? What do you mean? Curves. What's Curves? Curves. It's for women only, but I got a discount.

Curves? Yeah, Curves. Does your dick have a Curve?

You've never heard of Curves before?

In my entire life.

Out of touch. What's Curves? He's out of touch. It's a famous woman's gym. It's a woman's only... It's a gym only for women. So they not get ogled by men. And they don't feel harassed when they work out.

Yeah, that's beautiful.

I don't go to a corporate gym. I I would never do that. That's insane. You wouldn't. Equinox or any of those? That's a nightmare. What a nightmare. I don't want to work out around all people. I don't want to do it. Do you know people- You do it at home. For everyone that doesn't have enough money to go to a gym, if they're like, Oh, you can afford enough. You can work out at home. You can get a few things at your house. You can do incredible workouts just at the comfort of your own home.

Is this a workout podcast?

This is. Look into that camera and say, Andrew's... What's the new company called? Andrew's Workout. Andrew's Anxiety Workout? Yeah. Andrew's Andrew's Anxiety Workout.Thank.

You.is that to Joe?

No, we're just going to use that as a plug, and we'll put it somewhere else. Okay. Selena Gomez, huh? It blows my mind.

This is the guy. Okay.

Get back to square one.

Okay.

How old are you now, by the same age? Thirty-six.

How old are you?

Forty.

Okay. Basically, yeah, we're the same. Close.

Thirty-six. When's your 37th birthday?

We just had our 36th birthday. I think Dave invited you, but you didn't go.

Oh, that's right. No, no. Yeah, that's right. I was in... Where did we just get back from?

Makeup somewhere.

No, he knows. We're in New York for the premiere of my movie. I did get the invite. What movie? I have a movie out right now called Ricky Steenakey on Amazon Prime. Number one movie, me, John Sean, and Zac Efron. Really? Yeah, it's number one movie on Amazon Prime Video.

Now, would you say you're an actor or more a comedian? Or it's split? It's like 50.

When you met me, I was an actor, too. I've always been an actor and a comedian. But I started as a stand-up, but I started acting.

I thought Dave's thing was your first thing, is it?

No. I didn't No.

I didn't know that. Okay.

I started acting in 2010, maybe. Oh, shit. 2011. I had a sitcom back then. Then I did another big series for Showtime called I'm Dying Up Here. The last is a couple of seasons where it was about comedy in the '70s. Henry Pooh is here. Henry Pooh, he's the name in the first movie I ever did. Then I did The Office, and I did Arrested Development, and then I did... Yeah, I've been around. I've been around for a long time.

I will tell you one thing.

Dave's show was a transitional point in my where it was like, I was going to either do way more comedy or get into acting a little bit more. Then we did the show.

I will tell you one thing. The last few years, anytime your name is mentioned, you're this level comedian now. Everybody is like, and also every comedian says that you're the best comedian.

Well, that's not true. No, I swear to God. But people you talk to because they know we know each other.

I guess so. But no, I'll be somewhere and they'll be like, I'll just be talking. And I'll always say, I'll be like, Oh. I was like, Is Santino a big guy? And they're like, Oh, my God. That guy's like, he's the next dude that's going to be the biggest guy in the world.

We'll see. Or I might start a cookbook.

Ali Wong had a rave thing. I love Ali Wong. She was raving about you.

She's one of the best of the best of the best. There is a handful of people who are both really talented and nice in this business. There's a lot of really talented people, but there's not also that are cool or dope. She is in that pool of a very, very talented and very dope, which is really rare. She's a really good friend. Like you, you're very talented. I don't know. But not dope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're just in the talented pool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But very. Yeah, okay. Are you still making music for real? You didn't even answer. I am. And you're putting on an album.

You cut me off to ask about Selena Gomez.

Yeah, because it's like running through my brain. This morning in the shower, I was like, Really? Pissen me off.

Tell me why it pisses you off.

Because I really respect her.

Yeah.

I do, too. Past tense. I respected her.

No, you got to respect her still.

I need to meet her through you now, then I'll change my opinion about it. But before I thought, What an enigma this girl is.

It is crazy. I will tell you, I'm amazed every single day. When I wake up and I talk to her and I'm like, Oh, what are you doing today? Her day is always 400 times crazier than my day. It makes me feel so bad about what I do. I ask her what she does. Every day, she's saving someone. Someone's being saved. She's doing a company. She honestly is the most incredible.

And your day is, wake up, call Dave, FaceTime Dave in the shower or naked on the toilet. He doesn't answer me as much anymore. Because he's not He's not in a single anymore.

Yeah, he's engaged. Wild. I know. Everyone's growing up.

Yeah, but we have to, don't we? At some point? This city makes you delay growing up, but finally we all have to. Yeah. Would you get married one day or no?

Is that not of interest to I care so much more about having a family than getting married. You don't have kids, do you?

No kids. Do you want kids? Yeah, sure. We'll take some kids.

What do you mean we'll take some kids? Well, that's what you do.

You go buy them. Do you buy them? We don't make them in Hollywood. That's insane. You don't want to be pregnant. Nine months without work is too much. You go purchase them somewhere.

Purchase them? It was a Costco up on Empire. What type of kid would you purchase?

What color?

No, I said what type?

That's what the color and type of the same thing.

No, color and type are not the same.

What make and model are we talking about a child? What I'm saying?

What type of kid do you want? What do you want his or her interest to be?

I don't give a shit. Why would I care about any of that? I just want it to be healthy and happy. I couldn't care less what it does. Okay. Political answer. The real thing is- Nothing you say is political. All of it... That was very political, healthy and happy. Who are you looking at? You're looking at yourself? Right at the audience. There's three cameras in there.

I thought this is the audience. That's just Joe?

That's just your single. That's the wide, and that's my I have a single. Okay. You've never acted outside of Dave, huh? Was that the first time you acted on our show?

What's on this thing?

Well, don't put your face on it. You just get a little bit away from it.

Oh, here it is.

There's a full pubic hair. Put it in your pocket. Thank you. Would you ever act again?

Only for a friend or something.

Yeah. What if you got an offer to do Only Murders? Would you do that? I don't know.

Probably not. Really? Oh, yeah. For a friend. Yeah, for a friend. Actually, I've become very friendly with all the people on the show. Steve Martin and Marty are the coolest guys. They're legends. It's insane. Everything they say is hilarious. I'm in stitches the second I walk through the door. Yeah, they're incredible. They're like, actually... And you know when people are trying to be funny? They're not even trying to be funny. They're just like, everything they say is just gold. They've just been for so long.

Their rhythm is... Well, they're literal living legends. Both of those guys. It's crazy. Who do you like more? You can be honest. They won't watch this or know this exists.

No, they won't watch. Marty doesn't even have social media. Good.

And you don't have emails, so you're getting there. You're close.

You like social media?

No. It's a nightmare. It's a necessary evil.

Yeah, but you'll stop it once you're like, what- I post.

I do this. I post and ghost. You You know what that is? Oh, yeah.

I post purely for work. That's it.

I post and ghost. I don't really look at shit anymore. He's my proof of the pudding. These guys are now the ones that look at all the social stuff and let us know what's going on because we don't do it anymore. I don't want to do it anymore. I ask him what's up.

Yeah, I don't look at... I don't read any comments. You can't read a comment.

We were talking about someone before the show, and I won't mention the name, but they get a lot of hate, and they were saying- Do they read the comments? Yeah, they do. Every single one. You can't do it. Well, I said to them was, I said, I understand that when you're a certain age, you feel like, enthralled and like you're owned a little bit by the internet. Then when you get a little bit older, you start to go, I just want to put stuff up, and people are going to shit on it. If they're going to shit on it, and I don't care. It's got to be feel that way when you make music, when you put out any... You have to just throw it up.

You can't read the comments because here's what happens. Here's what the comment is. Someone either says, I love you, and they're just sucking you Why do you need to hear that? Or they say, You're a piece of shit. I hate you. What do you need it for? You need someone to tell you, You're the best. You're the best.

Or you want to feel the pain of, You suck. What I don't like is, there is no middle. I would love to read a comment. That was okay.

This is fine. Yeah. Someone would love someone to be like, Hey, this was just perfectly okay.

This was fine. Honestly, that would be- I didn't like this or hate this. That would be my favorite comment on the internet.

But I don't read them at all. There's no way.

You don't have time. You're a busy dude.

I'm busy, but I don't read it because... Occasionally, you'll scroll past one. If I'm looking for something for my friend, there'll be a post on the internet or something, and I'll scroll past it. All you can do is laugh. It's ridiculous. All I can do is laugh. They're insane. Some of the stories that come out are insane.

He reads them. He tells us what's really going on on the internet. But I don't care to really hear it unless it's constructive a way where he gets an idea from something. Then he goes, Dude, someone suggested we should do this cool thing. Then we like to interact with the fans on me and Bobby's show. If the fans have something dope to offer, then we're like, Yeah, let's do it.

Does Bobby read it?

A hundred %.

That's why we read every comment?

He lives inside the comment section. A hundred %. But what we found is like when you- He wants to hate himself, right? He does hate himself. I think most artists in some way dislike themselves.

Do you hate yourself?

I don't hate myself. That's a strong It's a wrong word.

Do you dislike yourself? Of course. Are you depressed?

I have clinical anxiety and depression, for sure. I've been diagnosed. But I wouldn't say it's like... It's not all-consuming. But it exists.

Do you take medicine?

Not anymore. Really? I didn't like the way medicine made me feel. What were you taking? Like, SRI? I've tried everything. Yeah, I've tried so many different things.

You didn't feel good, but how did you get to a point where you feel good now?

I had a psychotic break where I hijacked a train on the Long Island railroad on the L-I-R-R, and I threatened to crash it. It was a standoff. They were going to make a movie about it. They're writing a book about it right now. No, I'm serious. What happened to me to make me break? No, to make you feel like- Because now you feel better now, right? Much. But I have waves, right? It's natural in my chemical. But what I would say helped me cope was therapy, exercise.

Okay. You understand my exercise. You were looking at me crazy.

No, I just didn't I didn't think you exercised.

Why not? Look at me.

But you're just a small man, and I just assume small guys don't need to because it just goes away. You don't really gain weight.

Dude, I was 50 pounds heavier.

When you were a kid, were you fat?

No, I was skinny.

Because you've been small your whole life. Most small men that I know, they don't gain weight.

No. Okay. I was heavy. I got heavy probably in 2017.

What do we talk about? What's heavy? No, I was almost 190. No way. What are you now? 155? 140 something. Yeah, come on.

But I lost 50 pounds. I was losing it. Okay, so by the time Dave happened, I had lost most of it. Then second season, I lost another 15.

God, I didn't know you were fat. I never saw you as fat.

Well, you didn't see me.

But I mean, even in pictures on the internet over the years- No, I was fat.

You want to see one?

Yeah, please. Pull up one. I'd love to see a fat banner. Okay. By the way, the jewelry, you've always had eccentric jewelry. Do you change it out often? You always keep the same stuff on.

You don't wear jewelry, do you?

No, I'm a straight heterosexual male.

You never wear jewelry, ever?

Nothing. Why? I don't like it.

Really?

Yeah. No. I wear watches. I like watches.

Oh, are you buy expensive ones?

No, I have a ton of different. He's seen. I've got a ton of watches. I like a Casio to a G-SHOCK. First of all-I like everything.

Just look I was there.

Whoa, let me see.

Isn't that crazy?

Wow, that's disgusting. Isn't that crazy? That is a pig. Look at that. That's a little- You can show that. Isn't that disgusting? That is disgusting. That's a little pig-pig.

Yeah, I know. In here, we pour whiskey.

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I like ginger.

Wow, that's disgusting. I was big. Now, your chains are like chokers at this point. I know.

Look, now, I have like- Now, you look thin.

Yeah, I look good. Well, congratulations on losing the weight.

Okay, so you- I've never been fat, but I have been out of shape. No, but you were like... Okay, so you started working out, you went to therapy.

Therapy is always good. Working out and then community. Finding a community outside of the community that my job has. Getting away from- Friends. Real humans. Yeah. Getting away from the business.

Yeah, it's very important.

Because your business friends are great. That's right.

No, no.

But you need community.

Well, you just need people to not... Some of my friends... Okay. So my friends, I have two class of friends in my... So half of my friends who are not in the business have You have $8 billion. Or they're like, Whoa, you could pay for this dinner. They don't understand Hollywood at all. All right. Are you friends with billionaires with a B? I mean, I'm sure. Yeah, like some.

How many billionaires do you know? I don't know. There's only like 500.

Yeah, I think I know a few of them.

Well, who do you know? I don't know. Pipe up, dude. Don't get shy with me.

We're talking about our friends who are normal.

You brought it up, by the way.

No, but what I'm saying is I have friends. One of my best friends works for Capital One. When we talk, there's nothing that has to do with Hollywood. He doesn't live anywhere.

He's a kid from home.

Yeah, I'm still friends with a lot of kids that I grew up with.

That's good. You knew that.

Are you?

I'm friends with... I would say my best friend, my oldest friend, yes, still lives back where we grew up. Where'd you grow up? He lives in Chicago, but he lives in Milwaukee or outside of Milwaukee. Okay. Then a few of my other good friends that still live in Chicagoland area. I would say my closest chunk of friends from home, there's five.

Are you friends with Bobby outside of this or no?

Bobby Lee? Yeah. No, I would. That's disgusting. No, he's one of my best friends.

You guys are actually homies.

Yeah, we talk to each other every day. But we've also been through a lot of shit that the audience doesn't know about, too. We talk about it, but I don't know if they understand. What? I put him in rehab three times. We bonded when his father died. We got really, really close. I think people don't understand.

No, because everyone sees the funniness of you.

Yeah, we had a real dark, deep friendship that went through a lot of near breakups, near never talk again. Yeah, when you put someone in rehab more than once, it fucking sucks. It's a nightmare. Of course.

I did the same thing with my brother.

Yeah, you have to put someone in rehab. It does something to the way that you relate to one another. Of course. And also your sympathy goes through the roof. You start to get more empathy and sympathy. Oh, my God. Because your heart grows. You understand that people are complex. There is no one way about life.

No, it's like, dude, my father. We had a situation where I had to do something similar to that, too. It puts you in like, you're like, whoa, no matter how you feel about someone before, how you feel, it's just like, wow, this person really, they did it. They tried their fucking hardest. They're really trying. They're going to rehab, they're trying their hardest, or they're going... You know My dad suffers some mental illness. And it's like, he fucking got in there. I never thought he would be back to normal, and he fucking turned it around. And I sit there and I'm like, and I I'm like, Holy fucking shit. And it makes you have so much empathy, sympathy, everything. And you're just like, Whoa, what the fuck? Okay.

It's huge. It's a big growth thing. And for you, you grow.

Oh, my God. My whole family, it's like... I'm sure you're like me. I'm like a person who tries to laugh everything off. Yeah, you got it. Make fun of it. Yeah, I make fun of the worst things that have happened. I laugh about terrible things because it's my only way to cope with it.

Like 9/11? Yeah. Did you ever buy your mommy a car? I did. That was the first thing. What did you buy your mommy? What did you buy your mommy?

I asked my mom, I said, Mom, you can have any car you want. I'll get you anything you want, whatever you want. She bought the lowest level Mercedes. She bought the compressor. C300? Yeah, that's what she had. Still to this day. I bought it for... Right when I got there, I bought it for 15 years ago. She still has it, and it looks brand new. My mom is like a... The first thing I ever bought her was a washing machine. She really wanted a washing machine. My mom, every year, I tell her she can have anything she wants, and every year, she wants a $200 gift card to Marshall's. That sounds perfect. That's what my mom- Practicality at its finest. Oh, my God.

My mom- At its finest.

When we go to a restaurant, still to this day, she's like, Don't order too many appetizers. Too expensive.

But you tell her, I'll I'll pay for it. It's okay.

Yeah, but she goes, I don't want. No.

The first thing you bought was a washing machine.

Yes, she wanted a washing machine. What are we talking?

Whirlpool? Samsung? Lg? Probably Whirlpool. Whirlpool. That sounds nice.

Probably bought it at Costco.

I bought my parents a computer. That was my first gift. When I got my first TV check.

Computer?

I bought them an iMac, and my dad was upset because he was so used to PCs. He did not like it at all. He was very upset about it. I said, My dad's a neat freak. He was like a military brat. Really? His dad, he was very strict. So he likes cleanliness. I was like, Dad, you're going to love this. There's just everything is in the screen. You don't even have to have... There's no shit anywhere. No, no, no. There's no shit.

Yeah, but they don't understand.

He didn't like it.

My dad and my mom, the hardest part is I was trying to get them on Apple TV, and they were like, What do you mean? And for some reason, my dad will-Not get them the physical Apple television, but Apple TV, the app. Yeah. My dad will fight with me over how to turn a TV on. And I'm like, Dad, all you do is, and he goes, Give me that shit. And he tries to do it, and he can't do it. Do your parents fight with you over that?

My parents are at an age now where technology is going too fast. So I get calls weekly on how to do shit. And I'm happy to help because I I feel bad because they're falling behind. I can tell my dad.

They're falling apart.

They just don't know how to do it anymore.

No, my parents can't do anything. It's crazy how all of a sudden, when you turn 70, you can't do anything. They can't do anything. My mom goes, She's like, What? And I'm like, Mom, just order it on PostMate. She doesn't even have the app. My mom has Uber, but there's no credit card attached to it. She goes, It doesn't work. I'm like, Mom, you have to attach. Then she attaches it, and she always sends it to a different person's house.

You know what you can do? What? Attach your credit card to it.

Yeah, I do. I do whatever she says.

Then they still don't know how to use it.

No, they don't know how to do it. My mom can't do anything. She can't do any.

One time- Will she answer a text if you text her right now?

Yes, she answers text. My dad answers a text three weeks later, and he just writes like, It's high. It doesn't even answer the question I say.

My dad found emojis.

Oh, my mom. He just found emojis. My mom just did. It's awesome. Yeah, my mom just found emojis, and they never make sense. I'm like, Hey, how are you doing? She sends the cow, and I'm like, What?

No, she's right. That's funny. No, she doesn't- No, your mom's cool. That's very funny. No, she doesn't- My dad said, I'm at a funeral, and then thumbs down is what he did. Oh, I like that. That was funny.

I like that.

He literally wrote back, I'm at a funeral. Thumbs down. That's good. But he's right.

That's a bummer. You could see he was like, For so long, he was like, he probably took out his glasses to find the thumbs down.

Yeah, of course.

I don't use it. I went like this. I don't go to the emoji bar.

I write heart. I type in the word and it comes up.

But I only use one emoji.

What is it?

Just the heart.

That's the only one you use? Yeah, I don't know. Which one? Is it the beating heart or just the still heart?

I didn't even know there was a beating heart.

There's a layered beating heart.

Now, you'll find this out with me. I'm not tech savvy at all.

Well, that's why you wrote a book.

Yeah.

Because who the fuck is reading books? I know.

It's so stupid.

Also, it's a cookbook.

I have a cookbook.

It's a cookbook and go get Openwide. Yeah, go get it. It's available everywhere right now. I do like cookbooks. In fact, Maddie Matheson's book is right next to our stove. Do you cook? Yeah. I mean, my wife cooks better than I do, but I like to try. You You know who I cook with? Jacques Papine. Jacques Papine. You know Jacques Pépin? Yeah, of course. So I follow him all the time on- Yeah, of course. He's like, chicken thigh for one. This is a simple recipe. Jacques Pépin, if you don't know, that guy is so funny. There's no flair. It's real simple. But it's a lot of meals for one or two because I think it's just him and his partner. So he makes small meals. So I'm like, This is great. Because sometimes you go to cooking shows, they're cooking meals for 30 fucking people.

Do you ever have people over?

Oh, yeah. But- You do? We hire somebody. You do? I hire a guy. Why? I can't cook.

Wait.

I can't cook like that. I can cook for me and my wife and maybe my cousin who lives with us.

That's literally what my... Your cousin lives with you? Yeah. Who?

He just got out of prison. He did? We're trying to rehab him out in the real world. Actually or no? No, he just moved to Los Angeles.

So he lives with you for how long? Yeah, he's been there for- When's the cut off?

That's a good question, actually. Luke's been with us for a while, huh?

How long has he been with me? A little too long, right? What do you keep looking at? Oh, that's your mic. He's looking at the board, yeah. Oh, that's your mic. Oh, wow. Real man on the ones and twos over there.

He knows what he's doing. This guy's a tech kid. My cousin lives with me. For how long? This time has been six months. What do you mean this time? Well, he went back home for a little while. What? Family stuff.

Family stuff? Family stuff.

Okay. We don't talk about it. So he went. No, it's nobody's business. He had to go deal with shit and then come back. Now he's back. He's been living with me, but now he's finally out. We're going to miss him. So he is out? Well, he's still currently in the house, but we're moving out. Who's moving out? We My wife and I are moving out.

You are, so you forced him to leave.

He wants his own place anyway. But I loved having him around. Why are you moving? He's selling this house. I want to get out.

Why?

It's haunted.

The house is haunted? Yeah.

There is a woman that lives in our house.

There is? Yeah. Not your cousin, just a woman.

No, that's a man. Oh, that's a man. No, the woman is a ghost. She's dead. Okay. She died, which is crazy, is she died on the toilet in the hallway bathroom. That's where I see her. In real life.

Yeah.

She has her pants on her as she walked through the hallway because she's constipated, I think. She'll shuffle from the bathroom to the front room.

You ever get constipated?

Only when I travel.

It's so hard to poop when you're on the road and you're on the road.

Coffee, coffee.

I thought you said coughing.

Coffee keeps me regular.

I don't drink coffee.

You've never had coffee?

I don't drink caffeine.

Really? No. How are you this annoying without caffeine?

It's crazy.

This is amazing.

It's crazy.

But you've never had a cup of coffee? Or you tried it?

I've tasted it. Yeah, of course.

Well, don't make that face. Some I know I've never even tried it.

No, I've tasted it. It tastes delicious, actually.

So you like it, but you wouldn't consume it daily because it's not for you.

I just don't need to add another thing to my life.

But if you taste good, that's part of why we like it. I like it because I like the taste.

It doesn't taste good enough for me to be like, Wow, I'm really craving that.

See, that's ironic because I don't really give the boost of coffee, quote-un, I don't get that. I just enjoy a cup of coffee in the morning.

Do you drink one every day?

Every day. Do you drink one? I drink a few every day. I drink two or three cups a day.

You're drinking two cups right now? Yeah. Wait, why are you drinking two?

He's got to stay up. He's got a lot of work to do.

What's that one for?

One of them is cold brew.

You do drugs?

Do kids do drugs anymore? Oh, my God. This guy does drugs.

No, do you actually? No. We got to drink.

Yeah. He smokes pot. Yeah, that's cool. Look, he doesn't do drugs, but he'll smoke pot or take Mollet, you know what I mean? But he won't do drugs. But he'll take mushrooms and a little bit of Coke, but he won't do drugs.

Everyone does K now, right?

Yeah, ketamine's big.

Do you do it?

No one died. That whole time we were kids. People are dying now. Listen to that cough.

Are really famous people dying?

No one's dying young.

No huge famous star is dying young right now, right?

Well, I think- Of like eight or cancer. No, that's not true. That kid from Euphoria died last year.

What kid?

What was his name? Angus Cloud?

One of the other ones. Oh, yeah. But that was drug-related. What?

Yeah, you just said no one young is dying that's famous. What the fuck are you talking about?

Yeah, we'll just cut this section.

Yeah, that Angus Cloud kid died of an overdose.

Who else had this name? Okay, all right. I get it. We'll We'll cut it.

Google who died recently from...

No.

No, but- But you're not going to die anytime soon, are you?

I don't know. Are you scared of dying?

No, I'm not scared of dying. I am. No. I don't want to die, but I'm not scared of dying. Yeah, sorry.

I don't want to die. Sorry. I really don't want to die.

When people joke and they're like, Oh, ready to go. It's like, no way.

Don't you have more shit you want to do?

So much more I want to do. What do you want to do? Leave Los Angeles.

Really?

Yeah. Five years. That's my goal. Five year plan? In 45, I'm out. Why?

Because you'll have enough money.

No, it's not about money. I just want a new chapter in my life. Okay. Where do you want to go? Where do you want to go?

Chicago? No. No one wants to go to Chicago.

Yeah, Chicago's great, man.

No, Chicago sucks.

It's so cold. You're the dumbest guy on planet Earth. It's one of the greatest cities that ever existed. That is true.

It's one of the greatest cities- Except for what?

The cold?

Yeah, it's too hard.

It's too cold out. No, What are you talking about? You live in LA.

Dude, you bundle up- You live in LA.

Yeah, I moved here for a career. Not because of the weather.

You bundle up- You don't like the weather here.

No, it's fine. But here's the deal. When it's cold, I'll tell you what this does to you. Dude, you're from cold weather. I know.

That's why I don't live there.

Here's what cold does to you. Cold puts you in situations where you have to communially bond about it. The pain of going through a winter with people. It's why people go to a bar in the Midwest and they have a drink together and they laugh. People don't fucking have a drink together with strangers out here. Nobody wants to talk to anybody. That's true. Because we're spoiled individualists. But you go to places that have tough- What do you mean we're having a drink right now? Yeah, but this will be done in 20 minutes.

How many drinks do you want to have?

Five or six. Yeah.

This This is, by the way- Phenomenal. Incredible. This is incredible.

It's very good, right? It's smooth. What I'm trying to say is cold weather, he knows he's a Midwest kid. It bonds you in a way that does something to you communally and culturally. I do very much so believe.

Yeah, I can tell. The one thing I can tell is when anyone's from where I grew up, everyone acts a certain way.

You're an East Coast kid.

Virginia. Close enough. East Coast. But they all act. You can tell who I knew right away that you weren't from LA. You can just tell when people have- Yeah.

He has a Midwest face, though. This kid looks like a hockey coach.

Yeah, you look like you live on a farm.

But you can tell when people aren't from... Yeah, You can tell.

You can tell.

You think you've transformed into a little bit of an LA guy, though? You have a little bit of LA going on. I don't think so. A little bit. Okay. You have a little bit of a LA vibe. A little.

I'm like, hot? No.

I've said that before, and I'm going to say it again. It'll just never be No chance.

Could I be hot?

No, not in this lifetime.

You don't think any way.

I believe in reincarnation.

Besides facial reconstructive surgery. What are you eating?

He's eating a muffin. You would have to do a full... Look, you and I aren't going to be hot. We can be sexy.

What do you mean? I think you're cute.

No, we can be sexy. Is Bobby hot? No, 100% not.

Who's the ugliest out of all of us?

Out of me, you and Bobby? Yeah, Bobby. Bobby, probably. Yeah, for sure. That's not even close.

If you were going to say me- No, no, no.

He's got his little scalp body.

Dave's ugly, too?

Dave is ugly, yeah. Okay.

Because Dave looks identical to me.

Just taller and more annoying. Yeah.

Who's your hottest friend?

Maybe Idriss Ilba, maybe.

He's so hot. He's one of the nicest- Can you imagine if I was friends with that guy?

Oh, you're not? Idriss Hilba?

Oh, no, I actually am friends with him.

You can be friends with him. I'm not friends with that guy. He's so nice. He's too hot. When you go out with that guy, nobody knows you're there. Yeah, of course. You go out to a restaurant with that guy, they'll be like, Idriss is talking to a nobody, huh? To a just a simple to nobody. I wouldn't want to be around that fucking hack. I'm like a make a wish. I'm like a make a wish. Who's that sick, dying, curly-haired boy?

It's crazy.

He's fucking so gorgeous, that guy.

I think You know what's crazy, though? I look in the mirror every day and I'm like, Man, you look good.

Yeah, to you, you do look good. I say that I look- You should have self-confidence.

I think I look good.

Yeah, dude. Delusion is great.

Do you think you look good?

No, I feel fine. Really?

I wake up every morning and I'll be like, oh, okay. Oh, wow. Skin looking good.

That's because of your mom and daddy. Your mommy and your daddy give you a lot of praise. When you were a kid, they were like, You're the greatest, you're the most wonderful, you're the sweetest. Am I wrong?

My mother. Yeah.

My mother. Jewish parents, man. There's something about them. They do that to these kids, and our parents don't do that. Catholic kids are always like, you suck.

You suck.

Get it together.

You don't look at yourself and you don't think you look hot at us.

No, I look at the mirror and I go, This will do. This is fine. This will do? This is perfectly fine. Does Bobby think he's hot? This will pass. Yeah, Bobby does think he's hot. He was coddled. Same thing.

Bobby looks hot sometimes, though.

That's wrong.

No, sometimes he looks hot.

No, he looks fun.

Yeah, fun, hot.

If you were a woman, you'd want Bobby? No. Right. No. Okay. So take it back.

I can't take back his hotness.

All right. He's a hot guy.

No, I really do.

I really have a genuine question because I'm curious about this for real. Because I spoke this about my wife before you came on yesterday, I was like, the way that you're putting together shit on the internet of your cooking, I was not surprised when you guys were saying you were going to put out a book because I thought this has got to be a fun side thing in your career to do as a new stage or step because you're not a traditional chef. No. You didn't go to training. No. But you always have people on and you do fun, wild shit with food. Yeah. I was like, It's perfect for this fucking guy.

I love cooking. Okay, you know what I love? I love having people over. I love entertaining. I started doing it a long time ago. I just want to get you a little bit more sick.

I know, man. And your shoes are off.

Yeah, no shoes. Okay, are you looking at my toes out. I got the dogs out.

You get gels on them. Yeah, this one's got pickles.

My girlfriend's favorite pickle brand.

She likes your gel toes?

Yeah, she loves them.

Another notch of respect gone. One more notch of respect on. No, at least they're well manicured.

You're a little jealous. Not on my toes of the situation.

No, not even a little bit. I'm just shocked. Okay. I like America. I'm shocked.

I understand. Yeah, America is shocked. America is shocked.

Now, I can only say this to you because there's love in my heart for you.

Yeah, but America is shocked.

America is actually shocked.

Yeah, I'm not shocked. I don't care. Is Joe shocked?

My editor, Joe? Yeah. He's all the way across. That's not Joe. That's Macone.

No, I'm saying Joe.

Oh, Joe, the editor, he probably shocked. He's sitting there like, Come on.

Macone is here. Joe is here. When I saw your name. They said, Oh, if you have any issues, just call me. What's your last name?

Corkery.

Yeah, it's crazy. It's like you made that up. Macone Corkery. It's like you're a cop on one of those shows. Csi? Yeah. I've never seen CSI ever. Not in my whole life.

Well, me neither, but I know what it is.

Yeah, no, I know what it is, but I've never watched an episode.

Csi is like Harry Potter to me. I've never seen one, but I know what they are. Yeah, I actually- By the way, I know so much about them because of the zeitgeist of the world. Of course. Isn't that crazy? I've never I've never seen one, but I know everything about it.

I saw one for the first time in 2020.

Have you ever seen Lord of the Rings?

No, never. Me neither. Never. I hate that type of shit. Wait, look at this. Yeah, it's so stupid.

Wait, have you ever seen Game of Thrones?

No, never. Never. Have you? You're the same guy. Yeah, who cares?

I don't care. It's so stupid. I don't like it.

It's the stupidest shit ever. I saw one episode of Game of Thrones one time because Ed Sheeran was in it and he made me watch it with him.

He did a guest star in that show? Yeah. I didn't know that.

He was singing in it.

All right, then. What do you watch religiously? What are you obsessed with?

Also, you want to know another show I don't watch? What? Friends.

Never seen one episode. Never seen one episode. I love you. Seinfeld? Yeah, of course. Okay, well, no, I don't know. Seinfeld, yeah.

What did I watch? Full House. When I was a kid, I think I watched it a little bit.

Everybody liked it a little bit.

Yeah, Everyone watched it a little. Even if you didn't, you had to. Of course you did. It was on. When I was a kid, Sopranos was very big in our family.

You know how many times I've seen Sopranos? Yeah, I've seen it four times. Five. I've watched it all the way through five times. That's amazing. I just did my fifth series on this last run.

I'm in the middle of my fourth.

I got to tell you, it's better every time I watch it.

Oh, it's the best show. There's so many things I forget every time. Me too. I see it so many times.

I see people that I forget were on the show, the actors that I was like, Oh, God. My friend Ari, who did it, We did a series together that I'm dying up here. She plays Meadow's college best friend at NYU, the girl that pulls her hair out. Oh, yeah. That's my friend, Ari. But it's so funny to see her as she's so young. It's so weird to look back at how young everybody was.

Sopranos.

Michael Bill Imperiali has an age, by the way. He looks the exact same. Yeah, it's crazy. It's fucking wild. It's crazy. It's like he's been 23 his whole life.

Sopranos, I've watched a lot. Sopranos was big for me as a kid.

I actually have rewatched probably Seinfeld a multitude of times, but obviously not in I watch Sopranos in order. No, you just see it whenever it's on.

Seinfeld, you watch whenever it's on. You're like, Oh, that's amazing. Kerb.

Have you ever missed Kerb?

I've seen all the Kerbs. I haven't seen the new season, though. That's good. I mean, it's good. I mean, Kerb was huge in my family growing up. Yeah. What else? I watch all my friends' shows. I watch Beef.

I watched- Yeah, Beef was good.

The Bear. I watched all that shit.

I haven't seen The Bear. Yeah, it's good. I refuse to watch it. Why? Chicago.

Oh, yeah. You should watch it. Now, my friend My friend made it. He was from Chicago.

Chris Stohr? Yeah. I know Chris. He's from Chicago. I know Chris well. I can't watch it. Why? I support it from afar.

You just don't want to watch? It's going to hit home.

You know what I am with the bear? I'm like the biological father. It'll hit home. Who's looking in the window at the stepdad with my ex-wife and the family at Christmas, and I'm smoking, and I'm watching them do it, and I get a little smile, a little wink, and then I walk off screen. That's who I am to the bear. I get it. Good for you guys. Then I move on and back to the bar to get drunk and forget about what's going on. You want to make a show about Chicago? I meet a woman at that bar that night. I'm playing pool. I get hustled out. I get beat up in the parking lot. I take her home. I fall asleep. She robs me.

It sounds like that one.

I take a flight to Quintana Roo, Mexico. It sounds like that. I get into this weird knife gang for some reason, then I kidnap an elderly person for some reason. I don't know why I would do that. Then we go down to the Bay. Anyway, I get shot by the cops. What were you saying?

You got shot by the cops? In here, we pour whiskey.

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Be safe. Ginger. I like ginger.

In my little tail. I get gunned down on the beach.

It sounds like you're just jealous again. It sounds like there's so much jealousy.

Of the bear?

I don't know of Chicago.

Oh, I love the city. No, I have a weird time watching it because of my connection to Chicago.

Are you like, highly connected?

No, I'm proud of Chicago stuff. I like Chicago stuff.

You want to make a show?

I'm making I'm making a show.

You are right now?

I'm making a show. What is it? I can't give too much of it, but I'll tell you off camera.

You're making a show?

I can tell you it's about this.

It's about whiskey?

Kind of. Yeah, it is. I'll tell you all about it on fair. Do you know about this?

Are you in it?

No. He'll be a part of it in some way, but he doesn't know what. You'd probably have a bigger role than he would on the show, if we're being honest, in any way.

I will.

I mean, if I want you on the show, it would be bigger than anything he could contribute.

Do you want me on?

Yes.

Do you want Bobby on?

No. No Bobby? No, I got to have talent on the show.

You're cutting ties with Bobby. No.

He's my best, best friend. Bobby and I are doing a show as well. Where is Bobby? Bob and I are doing an animated series. Oh, that's cool.

Where is Bobby? Is Bobby sleep late?

Refuses to wake up before noon. Refuses.

Do you know in my entire life- And then they're shooting all day.

Aren't they shooting Belly today?

Yeah. You know I've only woken up at noon once in my whole life.

What do you wake up in the morning? What time? 6:30. Every day? Okay. Respect level for you went up again. It was way down, but now it goes up. 7:00, 7:30. Yeah.

I actually slept. Since I was feeling a little sick, I slept till 7:00.

What time do you go to bed?

6:45. In my ideal world, I go to bed at 11:30, sometimes 1:00 or two.

You on the phone all night?

No. Right now, my girlfriend is shooting in New York.

They're shooting the show? Yeah.

So So we're on the phone a lot.

I love you. I miss you.

Yeah, we have virtual dates. We're having one tonight.

Can I come?

Yeah, of course.

Let me just be in the background staring at you guys.

Yeah, of course. Are you ever met her?

No. Maybe I have, but I don't think so. Do you know when you meet people, sometimes you don't remember? Maybe we met through somebody. No, but I'm sure she's lovely. I'm sure the connection is very real. She's doing charity.

She's doing charity with me.

Right now, physically in New York? With me. Yeah, no, I know. With me? Yeah, I know.

It is crazy. I understand. No, it's not charity. No, I understand.

No, you got a sweetheart and you're a good guy and you got a nice mind and you're talented and you're successful. And why not? What would be the reason to not? Yeah.

You know what I mean? You're just saying that so they don't come after you.

Who can come after? Everybody can come after. What do I give a shit? Who's going to come after me? Her fans for locking you?

Yeah, they already hate me. What are you talking about? They already think I'm locking.

What are you talking about? They're all on my side. They're like, He's right.

Yeah, it's true.

The ugly redhead is right.

Yeah, it's true.

Dude, I've been a redhead my whole life. I don't think you're ugly. I don't care.

Oh, redhead, you're automatically a little ugly, right?

Yeah, redhead, you get a little bit of... We get put down socially. That's why I feel so- Are your pubes brown or red? They're black. Black? They're the same color as my hair, you fucking goof. Just like yours. Could you imagine if they were a different color?

I don't know. Or if they're slightly darker.

No, they're the exact same.

You got like Mohawk pubes or something?

Yeah, he does. He buzzed them.

Now, guys your age, what do they do?

Landing strip. They shave I have a landing strip.

Do you shave? Yeah. Manscaped. Oh, use the manscaped. Do you trim or shave?

Depends on what I'm doing. You buzz? You buzz? You go bald. You're a bald eagle, aren't you? No.

You wax? I know you. You're fucking...

No, I keep it trim, nice and tight. I trim it. I buzz it. I really do manscaped, but I buzz it with the manscaped thing. I do that probably, I don't know, once a week. Once a week? Yeah, once a week. When you do self-grooming, I buzz up.

How's the manscaped? I never used it.

It's great. We're not even doing a plug for them right now.

Is it better than just a regular one that you use on your beard?

I have two separate. I have to have one for my face and one for my bottom.

I shave it off. You shave your asshole.

I got to buzz down there. I buzz right on the understrip. Yeah, my grundle. I get a little fly-by.

But doesn't it leave it with some stubble?

Yeah.

Isn't it like itch when you walk?

Not really. You don't put a little powder down there?

I thought you're not supposed to do that. I Yeah, doesn't that cancer?

Well, right. You're talking about talcum powder. People are getting sued now. No, but there's new-age shit you can put down there.

New-age hippie powder?

Yeah, hippie powder. It's just dust from Dirty Dreadlock. It's a Dirty Dreadlock dust.

Wait, I want How short are we talking? Like here? This much?

A little bit more than that. Okay. Kind of like my beard. My beard has to match my pubes. Okay. Always.

Do you ever go clean-shaven? It's insane. So stupid. It's insane. Clean-shaven is... You look, you're like a hot guy, so you could be clean-shaven.

He's not hot at all. He's cute.

He's cute. But he has like, look at his jawline. It's great. Turn sideways. That's a good... Actually, never mind.

It's okay. But it's white trash, jawline. It's white trash because he's white trash. What's on your Spotify playlist right now? I don't use Spotify. What's on your Apple Music playlist right now?

I listen to records a lot.

You don't listen to anything on the phone?

Occasionally, but mostly records.

In your car? Well, you don't drive. What's the newest band right now that you like?

Newest? I don't listen to a lot of contemporary music. Do you? What do you listen to?

I shift who I'm into right now. I'll tell you who I'm into right now that I like a lot. Right now, I'm into a band. I'm always out of touch. The Harmelies. The Harmelies. I don't even know who that is. Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. Fantastic. The Harmelais. Two young ladies. The Harmelais.

What type of stuff are you really listening to a lot? This?

What do you mean?

I really cycle through.

He can tell you I'm fucking... I am all over the map.

Does he have good taste?

I'm a big '90s hip hop fan. I'm a massive. Growing up in our generation. But he likes a lot of that stuff. But in the new age world, I like a lot of like... I like Indian folk.

Do you have a softer side people don't know about?

I love... Yeah. No, people know about it. People know I'm a softy-bofty.

Is he soft? You have a hard shell sometimes.

Don't we all?

I'm soft as baby shell.

I know. No. Anybody who's hard on the outside, it's because they're making up for all sorts of insecurities and pain and trauma and stuff that they've got going on inside. But everyone who knows me knows that I'm a soft, sweet prince. I have a huge empathetic heart.

Does Dave know you're a soft, sweet prince? Is Dave good on this show? Did Did he do the Whisky Ginger?

Yeah, he did this and Bad Friends. How was he? Not good. Not like you. What do you mean not like me? Just not good.

Why wasn't he good?

No, he did great. I'm just teasing. No. He knows I'm soft? Yeah. He knows I have a very sensitive side. He knows I'm a caring. Anybody who really knows me knows how caring and loving I really am and what I really care about. The internet has a perception of you, just like you, dealing with what you're dealing with. Dating who you're dating. They think they know you. They don't fucking know you. People don't fucking know you. They don't know your real soul. I'm fucking soul. You I don't know his soul. They don't really know you. But yes, of course, I got a little soft side. I can't believe it.

Who signed that?

What is it?

Enter the Who.

What do you mean?

Who signed it? It looks like there was a single- It's Meth.

It's Meth, the man signed it. That's amazing. Yeah, that was a gift. It was from a fan. It was one of the nicest gifts I've ever gotten in my entire life. It was a 36 Chambers album signed by Method Man.

That album changed my life.

I mean, come on, man. It was very important. All of us. It changed the entire- Did you have one of the CD by yourself? Last night, they brought me up to Wu-Tang on on stage last night. You went to Wutang? No, they brought me out. I was on set. I did a set last night, and the sound guy brought me out. Bring the motherfucking office. No, that would have been great, though. No, it was cream. But I came out and I go, damn, who the fuck doesn't like Wutang? And I said, I'm being serious. Raise your hand if you don't like Wutang. There's 400 people. No, not one. And I go, Isn't that crazy, though? I don't give a shit what music these people like. Everybody likes Wutang. And then I said, But watch this. Someone One will like another person's band that is globally recognized as a great band, but people will hate it. I was trying to think of one. All I could come up with at the time, I said, Okay, who hates Smashing Pumpkins? And a bunch of people raised their hands. I said, Who loves Smashing Pumpkins? I said, Why do you hate it?

Why do you like it? But this is what's powerful about them. My dad thinks Wu-Tang is good, and he fucking hates rap music.

To me, it was so raw, and I was like, Oh, my God. How are It sounds like it's recorded in a bedroom and everyone's... For me, it just meant so much, and the production was so good. When I was a kid, and there was one Jewish guy in the extended family, Remedy. He was a rapper.

I remember that guy. He did a song about the Holocaust. Never Again. Never Again.

I was very obsessed with Wutang.

Never Again. I remember that song.

Oh, wow. You were really into-.

You were really into Wutang as a kid. I actually liked that song.

Yeah, it was actually a good It was a very good song. It was actually good. I remember when it came out, too.

As someone that grew up not liking Jewish people, I really liked that song. It's so insane.

Keep it, Joe.

No, he will. What do you mean, Keep it? That's going to be a promo clip we're going to use.

Yeah, that's going to be a promo clip.

No, I really love that song, Never Again, was phenomenal. Never again should we march with our sons and daughters.

Did you meet Matt Method ever or no?

I don't think I met him.

Did you watch How High when you were a kid? Loved. Oh, my God. So good.

The guy who played I need money. Do you remember I need money? His name was Al Sheer. He was one of the first jobs I ever had in Hollywood. Me and Ian Edwards wrote a Comedy Central pilot for that guy, for I need money, Al Sheer. You got a cool thing over here.

Who made this thing?

This guy named Ted Monz. He makes these hand makes that through-Is that a gift? Yeah, he's a member of our community. I don't even know how to say that, but he makes these tiles for a lot of podcasts, a lot of comedy podcast shows. Ted Monz, he's the man.

What do you mean community? Oh, the Comedy Community.

The Comedy Podcast Community.

Who made that thing? That wasn't good enough to be on screen?

No, that used to be behind me in the old days. I switched it out.

This one's just better.

Well, no, we'll get a new one. We'll get a new one, and it'll all keep changing as time goes on.

What's that thing for?

That was the original poster in the old first studio, and everybody signed it.

You got Zack Fox on there.

Half of the people up there are dead.

Dead?

Half of the people that sign that are dead. I'm going to need you to sign that afterwards in case.

In case I die? You die, yeah. You could sell that thing for a lot of money, right?

Would never. I'm going to frame that one day. Well, I'm going to probably keep it in my office at home.

When you're 45 and you move?

Yeah. You know what else I have? I have the backdrop from the first special I ever shot, that big Chicago bear, and it's in my garage folded up. I always thought, What would I do with this? I don't know what I'll ever do with it, but something.

Maybe make a- Now, when you move, how will you do the podcast? Or you're done. You'll be done.

In five years? Yeah. I'll be dead. When I say five years moving, I mean, they'll be moving my body out of Los Angeles. I'll be dead. Do you want to be cremated? No. I want to cremate you.

You want to cremate me?

Is that a sensitive topic being Jewish, being cremated? Is that a tough thing to say?

Oh, I don't know. I just don't want to be cremated. My mom always goes, My mom said she won't be an organ donor because she's like, What if I need these for my next life?

Good God, that's terrible. Isn't that crazy?

That's insane. Are you an organ donor?

Yeah, of course I am. What the fuck am I going to do with these? I don't know. For my next life? Yeah, that's what she says. This is it. You only get one.

Even if you did come back. Is Bobby an organ donor?

You couldn't use them, I don't think. Yeah, no. They're probably all broken. So you want to be buried?

How close do you live to Bobby?

Do you have tattoos? No.

No, not in perfect.

You could be buried then, huh? Do you have tattoos? No, no, no. Why not? What would I do with him?

You have tattoos? Yeah, you got it. What?

He did that first one is so stressful.

Dog got a bark.

Wow. I thought about getting a tattoo. What do you want? Probably the words slow down. Slow down.

Where? Forehead?

Yeah. No, I want to do Amanda Binds. I want a heart right on my cheek.

Has she been on the podcast?

Yes. She has? No.

Why not?

Can't really lock her down.

Who's someone you're like, I got to get this?

I've had so many wonderful people on the show.

No, that you want on.

I've had people that I want on. I don't know. There's nobody that I would be like... There's good friends of mine who I know would never do the show because they don't want to do a podcast, but I'd love to have them on. There's guys that just- You got to have Kat Williams. No, he wouldn't do it. He just did Rogan. He's so famous, and he hates everybody.

He's so good.

He's hilarious. Yeah, he likes to talk to you.

He's one of the funiest comedians ever.

Yeah, personality more than stand-up.

Yeah, but he had a few that were so good.

He did, but I just don't revere him as my top stand-up guy.

Who's your top guy?

Of all time? Yeah. Carlin.

Yeah, Carlin's. Carlin's top three for sure.

Yeah, he was a poet. I would say, I mean, Eddie, when I was a kid, obviously, it's been a long time. Of course. Chapelle is obviously up there, although Dave, in the more recent years, is just different now. He's more like prophetic, which I'd rather have be more Dave. But I get it. It's a transition. Rock had probably some of the greatest stand-up specials ever of all time. I mean, Bigger & Blacker is unequivocally one of the greatest stand-up specials ever written front to back. Billy Bur, Mr. Bill Bur. I think last on that list would probably be like...

You a Louis fan?

Yeah, Louis. Yeah, I love Louis. Yeah, Louis. I don't know why I forgot about Louis. Yeah, Louis.

And then maybe- You're not supposed to say you like him anymore, right?

No, of course you can. What do you mean? You could say you like him.

He's a great comic.

Yeah. Louis. I think Louis probably be my top, top, top. But also, Hannah Gatsby.

What?

I didn't say anything.

I didn't either. Why is he smiling so much? Mitch Hedberg?

Mitch Hedberg. He knows my favorites.

Yeah, why didn't you say Mitch Hedberg?

He's dead. Because then I can go to the- What if you can't say someone is dead? Well, the dead guys who didn't get their flowers? Because then I would bring up names that you don't know Greg Graldo. I don't know who that is. Yeah, exactly. Then I would get into these deep worlds of guys who I I think. Who? Patrice O'Neill.

I don't know who that is.

You Shaquille O'Neill's brother.

Are they good?

Patrice was a god. To us, he was a god.

I got to look up. Are you like, you want to be a comedian? No.

I do filmmaking stuff, but I've just always been a really big fan of Stan.

Okay. You like his shit or no, he sucks? Not yet.

Yeah. Same. Yeah, I get it. No, it's funny now. Laught now, cry later when you're broke.

Are you going to fire him?

No, man. I've taken care of this kid so much. I've given him the world. You want to talk about being a softy? I literally gave this kid life. How much money did you have in your bank account when I met you? For real, be honest. I think 23 cents.

How much do you have now?

I wrote you a check for... What I wrote you a check for that day. $100. That day, because I was getting paid for the whole tour, was $11,000.

You piece of shit.

What are you talking about? I wrote this guy check. I survived his life. He was going broke, and he almost cried in the hotel room and said, This is the most money I've ever had in entire life. I said, Well, let's keep getting you money. Then I got him more work and more jobs, and now he's successful and things are good.

How does it feel? Now you got two coffees.

Yeah.

Does anyone ever see your face? Yeah.

We put him on Bad Friends. We put him in the background. We don't want him on this show.

In the background?

Yeah, he's in the producer's booth.

You look great. I would put you on the front of the show.

You can hire him, too, if you'd like. No, I don't like him. Exactly. You don't like him that much.

You want me to take him?

No, I really do like the kid. I I don't know why, but I like him. He keeps fucking up.

Is he your only guy?

No, we've got a team of people, but he's like my younger brother. He's like my responsibility. Bobby hates him.

Why does Bobby hate you?

Because we're so close. I technically knew Bobby first, but then when we were on tour, I mean, Andrew got pretty close pretty fast. I'm the one that hired him to come on the tour, so Bobby just resents him a little bit.

Does Bobby put in the work to be your friend? Bobby didn't take one.

Yeah. Talk about Plug Your Book before I kick you out of my fucking studio. Okay, you want me to open? Open Wide. You don't even know the name. I just said Open Wide.

You said Open wide.

Open Wide.

Yeah.

Which is a euphemism, of course. God, you're such a fucking piece of shit.

That was so good. Yeah.

Open Open Wide. Open Wide.

Open Wide.

Open Wide is your book?

Open Wide is my book. When's this air? When my book's out?

Yeah. I don't fucking know, man.

My book's out, maybe.

It's probably out. Go get Open Wide. Available everywhere. Is there a Brookstone near you? A Brookstone? Yeah, Brookstone, where you get the massage chairs. Don't they sell your book there? No. Oh, really?

You remember Brookstone? You remember the massages they used to sell?

I used to love that story.

They were just vibrators.

Go pick up Open Wide.

Go pick up Open Wide.

It's available now at Blockbuster Video as well. Where else are you guys putting it in?

Blockbuster.

At Spencer's Gifts?

Yeah.

Wherever bullshit is sold, you can buy this stupid fucking book. It's on Amazon. It's got to be at Barnes & Noble. Yeah, it's it. You still have one of those. Are you doing a book signing? I am. Where?

I'm doing all of them.

Are you doing everywhere?

Yeah, everywhere.

That's good.

I'm doing a whole book tour.

You should go buy the book. He's a creative- No, it's great. He's a creative little wild... What? You don't even have anything. Freak? Freak? Yeah, you're a freak.

I'm a freak?

Are you not a freak? If I looked up Freak in Webster, it'd be you.

No. If you looked up Hot guy, it would be me.

Hot guy would be Brad Pitt. Freak would be you. You do understand the difference. Yeah. It's huge. I mean, it's not even close. Brad Pitt's so hot. Yeah, what the fuck are we talking about?

He's so hot. If it was our three floating heads, Brad Pitt's number one for sure.

They don't see us. It's gone. It's Brad and then two guys.

That's why you hang out with Bobby.

Because it makes me late. Elevates me. Yeah, it elevates you. No, I hang out with Bobby because I think he's a comedic genius. I think he's one of my favorite. We match each other. We're polar opposites and we're perfect matches.

What? He's funny and you're not?

No, I'm very, very funny. I'm incredibly funny.

So what's he?

If you're polar opposites. We're polar opposites, personality-wise. I like golf. He likes eating and sleeping.

Do you like to eat?

Yeah.

But is a meal such an important part of your day? Are you scarfing down a scone like you were when I came When I came in.

It depends what meal. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day.

You're scarfing down a scone?

Well, because I had to do shit all morning, so I didn't have time.

Are you good at golf? Yeah, very. What's your handicap?

My index is a 2.2. That doesn't mean anything to you unless you know golf. Do you know golf? I know golf. Oh, I'm a 2.2 index. Okay. Yeah, I'm very good.

Wow.

That's the one thing. I wouldn't even say that if I stand up, I wouldn't even brag about stand up or acting.

Were you always good at golf or you got good?

I got better. I was always athletic enough to be normally good at golf. I was probably a 12 handicap when I first started playing golf. When I first started trying. That's crazy. Now I'm like, depending on where you play, a three or four handicap. That's great. Yeah, pretty good. That's really good. It's my favorite thing on Earth. Do you play I'm thinking about it right now. How often- This whole interview, I've been thinking about it.

I would, too. Interviewing me.

I'm feeling puts.

Are you good at putting? Or is it you get the yips?

No, my short game is my best game. My recovery game is my best game. Yeah, okay. Can you play golf?

I could go out and like- Because Virginia, there's some good golf out there. My dad's a pretty good golfer.

Yeah. You grew up on a plantation, right?

My dad's a pretty good golfer. Is he?

How good? Now, he's- He's 70.

My dad's almost 80. My dad's 79. Holy shit. I think his handicap now is probably a 12, 13. But he can't hit it far anymore.

At that age, it's like you're just getting out of the plan.

Yeah, you just can't. I think in his prime, he was probably an eight or nine.

That's good. Yeah, something like that. Eight, nine. Most people never reach single digits. That's impressive.

Maybe.

I'm very lucky I've gotten as good as I've been, but I also think it's... Some things are out of your control. I see. I play with other guys that I think should be good, but they just can't get it together.

I've played a handful of times. I'm athletic, so I can...

You can do it.

I can do it. The first time I played, I did terrible on most holes, but I got a par on one. So I was like, oh, shit. My short games, I've always been pretty good at putting. You go to mini golf, go to anything. I'm pretty good at putting.

We should go. I'd take you. I'd love to take you. Yeah. I'll take you to a little spot.

Was Bobby good?

Does Bobby play golf?

I don't know. She went on the thing with you.

Oh, Bobby. Altough. I thought you were Bobby Lee. No, not that Bobby. No, Bobby didn't play golf.

She didn't play? No. She just sat there while you played?

She tried to swing a club, I think two or three times. It didn't work out. It didn't work out. It didn't work out. But you know what is going to work out? Me and you together after this, we'll do a session together. What do you think?

Golf or sex?

Both. Yeah. What comes first?

I do love when you play golf, you just get drunk and you eat the smoked cigars. You eat the delicious little food cart.

Yeah, it's the best.

Do you belong to a club?

I don't.What do you do?I do.

You just wanted to sound like-No, I don't.

Where do you belong? One day.

Where do you belong?

It's called Shifties. It's up in the Burbank Mountains. What's that? Shifties Club. I don't know. It's a nightclub bar, also a golf course? Come on, dude.

You don't play? No. So what do you do? You just ask your friend?

I just play.

What do you mean you just play? You have to go to a golf course.

Yeah, there's a million of them in LA.

So you'll just get day passes?

Yeah, it's not what we call it. It's not skiing. I got a day pass.

No. What do you do? You just go with friends who belong to a club and shit.

You just go wherever. There's a lot of public courses that you can go to.

Okay.

Munis, baby.

I don't know. I don't know anything about... I don't know anything about Joe.

No, I do play at a club. Oh, you do? I don't know. Who knows? We'll find out. Go get the book. What's the club? Open Wide right now. It's available on Amazon. Tell me the club. It's available on... And by the way, while you're on Amazon buying Open Wide, please watch That's my movie.

Oh, yeah.

You should watch- There's going to be book signings all over the country. For Ricky Stinecky? To find out where Benny will be signing a book, go to bennieblancoisannoying. Com. Ricky Stinecky. What's your website? You got a shitty website?

I don't have a website.

How do people know where their book signing is going to happen?

Just shut up.

You don't know?

I don't know anything.

Good plug. Go buy Open Wide. It's worthless and it won't teach you anything, but it'll support him buying his mom another compressor in six or seven years. We end this I'm in the show the same way. No, we get her a washing machine. Yeah, get her another fucking washing machine. Looking at that camera right there, we say one word or one phrase to end the episode, and you're single. One word or one phrase to end the episode.

This one or that one?

Yeah, the one that's pointed right at you, you fucking dummy.

Okay. Wait, that's the Joe one.

It's pointed right at you.

Okay. One phrase?

One word or one phrase. You choose. Take your time. Don't rush. This is going to end the episode. This will be embedded in the Smithsonian one day. Also, kiss the mic more, sick guy. What a fucking lunatic. God damn it. You got to go get that Lysol spray.

No, you don't. No, you do. No. My one word of advice is for some reason you belong to a country club, but you're scared to tell us because you think it doesn't make you seem approachable.

No, it's one word or one phrase.

That was my phrase.

Well, that's not a phrase.

You cut me off. Okay, one word or one phrase.One word or one phrase.

Also, it's not a country club, by the way. I don't belong to a country club.

Yes, you do.

No, I don't belong to a country club. What do you belong to them. It's called a golf course. Golf Club.

Isn't that a country club?

Totally different.

Is it different?

Yeah. One of them, he doesn't fucking know this kid. He rarely ties his shoes.

Why are you treating him so poorly?

He's my best friend.

Is he your best friend? He's my only friend. No, Bobby's your friend. That's right. You have two friends.

Rep this up. One word or one phrase. Also, please go buy Open Wide. It's a great book.

Go buy Open Wide. That's my phrase.

Go by open wide.

Is that my phrase?

Do it again clearly. Go ahead.

Go by open wide.

Now smile. Atta boy.

No. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You were that creature in the ginger, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey whiskey.