Hey, everyone, today's guest is actress, producer, director and my good friend, Eva Longoria, we last had Eva on the show when we were in the middle of shooting our movie Overboard, and I hadn't seen her since we did press for it. So much has happened since then and I loved catching up. Later in the episode, I'm joined once again by online dating expert Mark Brooks to answer questions and offer advice about how to approach the puzzling world of online dating.

Please check out our new Web site, Unqualified Dotcom, and send us your questions. Now, here's Eva.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening to Unqualified with their host unifiers. Thank you for coming back. I'm so happy to talk to you. Oh, my God, we hate. So even when you were last on the podcast, you told us that you were thinking about starting a family.

Really?

I think so. I think so, too, because we had just finished overboard. You know, I wasn't pregnant then.

Actually, I got pregnant right after overboard.

Well, that's what I kind of wanted to ask you. Oh, yes. So we did the podcast during filming. That's why. Yes, I was pregnant. OK. OK, you are correct.

You had that secret smile, though, that people who are pregnant early on, I was like, I wonder if she was pregnant.

And now I did get pregnant, though, two months after because it was like October or November when I found out I was directing the milk. I don't know if you know Caitlin also, but she's freaking. She's great and brilliant.

I know it was such a good show. And I was directing the milk and I was so tired and I was falling asleep between like turnaround's. And I said, what's the turn on? They go 12 minutes and I go, great, let me know when we're ready. And I said, Oh my God, what is wrong with me? And then I got the call that I was pregnant and I said, These people must think I'm just a lazy director because I was sleeping the entire time.

Even no one could ever describe you as lazy. You were amazing at the DNC.

I want to say congratulations, but that feels weird.

Yeah, but it was a wonderful surprise to me. I didn't know. Did anybody know? Was that sort of top secret? They announced it like the night before.

They tried to keep everything on lockdown because you just, you know, get attacked for it anyway. But it was important.

You know, I think it's all of this so important.

Well, you've been involved in politics for quite a long time.

You were involved with Barack Obama's reelection campaign.

You also, like, do a ton of shit.

I mean, amazing stuff. What are you most.

No, I don't want to ask you what you're most proud of, and I don't want to ask you how you juggle it all, because I hate that question.

I know. I know. You just do like you just figure it out, actually. And since I've become a mom, maybe you got this, but the mom shamers of the world are real. And I never want to be that person to be on a podcast of like what I do is I put my son to bed at seven because studies show that the you know, like, oh, my God, good for you. You go do that.

But like, I am never going to tell someone how to parent. I am in no way an expert of being a mom.

And so that question of like, how do you do at all, even answering it makes other women feel less than sometimes because I'll hear it and I'll hear women go, oh my God, it's great, blah, blah.

And I'm like, oh God, she has it together. Well, maybe I'm not doing something right, but I have a village. I have a huge family.

And so I have a lot of help. I mean, I have an amazing husband who supports me. I have amazing sisters and I have amazing girlfriends who have kids the same age. So it's just like we all chip in and get it done right.

All right. Let's dive into life questions now, guys. Are these going to be hard? I'm nothing that you can't handle, OK?

If you could live anywhere in the world for a year, where would it be? Oh, gosh.

South of France, south of Italy. South of any country. South of Spain. Gosh, probably France. Yeah, I have like a love connection with France and I would love to live in a chateau and walk to the boulangerie in the morning and get a baguette. I want a yeah. Can you want to come with me. I sure do.

I want to have a little espresso in the morning with you.

Yeah, I live in a castle. OK, what is your favorite ice cream flavor.

Vanilla. Isn't that weird. We only get that from guys they like to add toppings. Me too.

I like vanilla and I add almonds or pecans. Sometimes I will add a drizzle of chocolate, but mostly just vanilla. And I'm not a big ice cream person, period. I lemon my sorbet person.

I love orange sorbet and mango sorbet and lemon sorbet in the south of France in the south of France.

Yes, I love that. What's your favorite curse word? Probably.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I messed up. Fuck. Why did that happen? Malverde.

Is that French beautiful now puto. That's the translation made to shit but yeah. What's yours.

I like fuck. I like shit sometimes if I'm feeling really Randee. Yeah I'll say cunt you know I.

Oh that's I. I like the idea of owning the word now. Yeah, it's like I challenge that word to offend me.

I'm not that weak even. What was your first boss like?

He was very mentoring. This wasn't at the dequeue Wendys. Yeah, it was Wendys. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. I wish I weren't a Dairy Queen. Oh my gosh.

In Texas, Dairy Queens have food, you know, everywhere else. They just have ice cream. In Texas there's like great burgers. And anyway, but it was Wendy's and his name was Bobby and I was a baby. I was 14 and he was like, you could be manager one day.

You have a lot of initiative. And I was like, oh my God. And I did. I became manager. I worked there five years.

I was 19 years old and I was a manager because the minute I walked in, he goes one day, if you really, you know, work hard, you could do this.

And I remember the first time I think minimum wage was like three dollars or something crazy like that. And when I made, like head cashier, I got a ten cent raise. So I was making three dollars and ten cents.

And I was like, I. I have arrived. He made the job very fulfilling, like you matter, and I think we don't really look at those jobs like that anymore. Unfortunately, I wish we had patience and appreciation for customer service both ways, by the way, because I was an amazing customer service or I was like, absolutely, you're absolutely right. We put onions in that burger. I will take it back. Like there was no attitude.

It was like the customer was always right.

It's a different world now. I think, you know, people feel like those jobs are expendable and they're only filled by teenagers. Who cares? Right. And back then, it was really important to me. It was an important job to have.

I think that that speaks to your ambition and your concern about the details and kind of a respect for the protocol of climbing.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You have to touch every rung of the ladder.

And as you're trying to get to where you want to go, if you skip a couple of rungs, it's like you've heard the story a million times about Hollywood where like I was discovered at a Starbucks, you know, you're like, OK, usually not how it happens.

I was an extra.

And then I got one line and then I got two lines and then I got four like I was climbing the ladder.

And I think that's in life you have to touch every rung so that when you get to where you want to be, you know, every facet of that industry. I knew how long it took for the buns to go through the bun warmer. It was like thirty three seconds and so I could do how many buns in a minute.

And so it was the same with acting.

I witnessed this quality that you have on the set of Overboard, where we first got to know each other because you knew everybody's name and treated everybody with the same amount of respect and you were demanding with a big smile on your face, which was an amazing ability because you would come to set always in a great mood.

And this let's do this attitude.

It was amazing.

It's so funny because so many people tell me that they're like, you command this respect in a very authoritative way, that you're not an asshole about like everybody so confused by that contradiction.

And I feel like shouldn't everybody have respect for everybody and shouldn't everybody be kind?

Like for me, they're just too given's. And you're right, it's not common. And I think it is surprising when people actually see it in action.

No, it was hysterical. You would be like, what the fuck are we waiting for? Come on, let's go. I mean, you would just laugh just like that. It was like rock. She's a powerhouse.

I was in a different situation than you. You were carrying this movie in every scene in every day. I got to pop in for a week, pop out. I was like, bye. I'm wrapped on. I'm going to go have a drink. I'll see you at 6:00 a.m..

And you were like, I'm tired.

Oh, I think it's rare to meet somebody who is instantly like a kindred spirit. Yeah, you were. So that you make people at ease and you still expect a lot from them, which I did.

But I was like, we would be in hair and makeup and you crack me up all day long.

You are one of the easiest persons to love. Let me tell you. I remember I had to fight for this role. Rob and Bob were like, I don't know, you were too hot.

I didn't, like, meet with them five thousand times. And I was like, I have to be in a movie with Anna Faris.

You don't understand. This is like a dream of mine in you're blocking me from my dreams. And they're like, right, but what about the role? And like that too. I'm good for that. And then I forget I it was like Pantaleon.

I forget who made the movie, but my husband was the financier of the movie, his company. So I'm like, oh, it's my fifth time already. And I'm talking to him about this movie and that. And he goes, What movie are you talking about? And I said, Overboard. And he goes, Oh, that's that's one of my movies.

I go, Well, why the fuck am I auditioning? Oh, well, just give me the part.

And then a little a week later, Robin Bob called me and they go, OK, you got the part. And I go, when I don't know if I want it. I don't know if I got it or I don't know. My husband got it for me. And my husband goes, Oh, I never called anybody.

I don't know if I knew that I knew a little bit about it, and I love it that you are open enough and fucking cool enough to tell that story, either actor would be like, well, when they asked me to do it, I was hesitant, you know, and was like, whatever posturing.

Oh, I wanted the movie so bad because I was a fan of yours. I love Hohenlohe as a person. He's a wonderful human being. Eugenio Derbez. And then the property. I was like, yeah, it was amazing.

One of my favorite jobs I've ever done.

Do you remember the day that we were in the boat, the small boat, the fishing boat.

Everybody got so sick. Yeah, the poor little kids. Oh, yeah. Yeah. While Hohenlohe was on the big yacht, I go waving at us and we're like, oh my God, I like gas fumes.

How great is Mel Rodriguez, one of my favorite people in the world?

And what or who has influenced your career the most?

Oh, my career. My career, probably. Marc Cherry, who created Desperate Housewives. I mean, obviously, Marc Cherry, I guess I should say, he changed the trajectory of my life and made me a household name by giving me this amazing role in this show that became a global phenomenon. It was just literally overnight, like my life changed overnight.

And I remember he came from this was back in the day when ratings like I remember we had like 30 million viewers.

And Marc Cherry, our creator, was like, oh, that's it, because he came from a time of Golden Girls where, you know, you would get fifty million or whatever.

And so he was like, oh, is that it? And now you look like no one shows right now are five million viewers.

Maybe I Bayway. Yeah, he just gave me a shot and he wrote that character so well and it just lent to my strengths, you know. And I always think when it's your role, it's your role, it's like you got it or you don't got it.

And so Geering Desperate Housewives, I had always wanted to produce and direct and I was producing a lot before I got Desperate Housewives. People think I'm an actor turned producer director, but I think I was always a producer director.

I turned out so see that there's nothing surprising about that, knowing you.

Yeah, yeah. Like I'm bossy and I'm efficient and I'm like, why are we turning around again? Shouldn't we have just gotten this when we were on the other side?

Like I was always aware of where the camera was and how many shots were left.

And I remember Marcia Cross would go, how do you know that?

How do you know where to sit and how do you know where your light is? And I'm like, oh my God, it's so easy, Marsha. Like, it's the access is here. And so we had to turn around here. We turn on here and she's like, So should I walk to the coffee? But I go, don't walk to the coffee bar. That's like four more setups. And we're going to be here all night. Just drink the coffee on the couch, don't walk to the kitchen.

And she's like, OK, got it. Got it right.

And so I was just always aware, always aware of that stuff. And so I used Desperate Housewives as film school because I didn't have formal training, but it all came very natural to me.

And Mark really gave me the opportunity to be that sponge. I mean, I was the camera guys and the DP's that they were so sick of me because I was like, what does that what does that what do you do that? What is that? Why are they standing there? But what kind of light is that? But doesn't that run out quicker than the other one?

And they were like he was on set. She knows more than we do.

We were still one of the few shows on film. I would load the camera because I just wanted to know how to load a camera.

And then he gave me my first shot at directing.

And that's where everything really started, because it's so crazy to think TV shows are baby movies because they're five, six, seven, eight million dollar budgets per week. And you're in charge of all that as a director to distribute those resources in a way to create a show every week and doing episodic television as a director, really, it's hard, but it's also gave me the chops to jump over to film and go, oh, this is just two million dollar film.

This is easy, you know, because the infrastructure of television is a little more rigid.

You have to operate within this particular thing. You know. You know how rigid TV is.

Yeah, I would love to learn more about directing. Oh, that's right. You said this before.

I have not been as inquisitive as you. I haven't used my time on set to learn about too much behind the camera activities and stuff. So I feel unbelievably uninformed.

No, right.

But what do you think would be of most value if you could give me like three bits of advice in terms of directing?

Yeah, I think first you got to really want to do it because I mean, I think some people are like, maybe I'll try.

It's a lot of work, I think. For me, it's very project specific, right? Totally like if there's a really special, intimate script out there, I would really love to bring it to life.

Yeah.

Though some people think I want to direct because they want that title.

But really what they wanted to do was right or really what they wanted to do was produce. That's a good question to ask yourself is what are you seeking to fulfill creatively?

And I guess I would think to surround myself with people that I really trusted in terms of their knowledge. Totally like a DP, like Michael Barrett.

He's right there. He says, hi, I'm Michael.

Michael knows I bugged him and asked him a hundred questions while we were on board.

And he was like, can somebody just tell you to go to holding? Where's the actors holding? Eva got out again.

I love you.

We love you know, here's the other thing is you don't have to know everything, but you have to be surrounded by people who do.

So I remember when I started directing, I didn't know any of the technical terms. I wanted to go like Rup. You know what I mean, like, yeah, I gotcha. I want to, like, walk, walk even once a loop and we go look and I would show him right.

And he goes, oh, OK. You want to hide the zoom in the push? And I go, yes, that's that's what I want to do. Yeah. Michael got a kick out of that.

Yeah. You know what I'm talking about, Michael. So the next time I was on set, I go, hey, can you hide the zoom in the push?

And they go, yes, you're right.

You know, I like. On the last SAT, so I've had amazing DP's and this is rare for a woman, but I've only worked with one bad DP that was a sexist that was like, are you sure you want to put the camera there? Yes. Yes, I'm sure.

Yeah, yeah. I'm pretty sure. Why wouldn't put it there. But OK, it was like Bob from the Bronx who's been a DP for eighty five years, and I was like, Bob, Bob, listen to me.

So I think that not knowing everything shouldn't prevent you from doing it because by the way, they're not coming to you to direct for that. They're probably coming because of your tone. And you're an actor and you would understand the material in a different way.

I remember I sat with Taika Waititi, who is one of my favorite directors of all time, and he's amazing and I love him and all his movies.

And he he made these tiny, tiny movies.

And then didor I said, oh, my God, Tyga like, what was it like when you walked on that set? I mean, obviously they had a year of prep or whatever, but he said, you know, there was pieces of equipment that cost more than all my films combined. And I have never used that before. And he goes, I don't know the difference between green or blue. I don't know what that does.

He goes, but I realize they didn't hire me for that.

They hired him for the tone in which his movies delivered humor and that's what they wanted for that. And he said, so I let everybody do their job and empowered them to do their job. And it made his job so much easier.

And I was like, that's so true. So anytime I get really nervous about like, so how does the bear appear?

It's OK to ask that, like, so how is the bear going to kill him? Like, are we putting the blood. No, no, no. That'll be so OK. But like never to be afraid of what you don't know. And if you're surrounded by a great team and especially a good DP, you'll be fine.

Does it make you crazy when you work with people who are blustery that you can tell that they don't really know what they're doing? They're all over the place?

Yes, I've worked with those people. I'm luckily in a position now that I get to screw up. And so we have a team that's just a little village and we move from project to project.

But I remember directing Devious Maids and there was a line producer and. Eh, he didn't know what he was doing, and B, he was an asshole, so that's like a bad combo and so we had to rent the vehicle.

Is getting such a kick out of this. Yeah, our DP was amazing.

My dad and I were scouting and this is the new character's home. And he goes, here's the house. We go, great, OK, great house. And then he goes, we can't shoot inside. And we go, What do you mean? What does that mean we can't shoot? This is the house. We have to be inside the house. He goes, yeah, it costs too much money.

And we go, oh, OK. So is the question. We cannot go inside or is it it's going to cost more if we want to shoot inside, we can't shoot in the house like that's all they kept saying.

Go look, we don't have to shoot in the house, but I do have to shoot out two words drive up. So I have to be inside the house because it's a povey. Can the camera guys be inside the house? Can we be on the second floor shooting down at the car, pulling up? And he goes, yeah, we can't be in the house.

And I'm like, oh, my God. Like, he would never come. Why do I fuck are we here? Why why did we pick this house? We can't be in the house.

And it was just like talking in circles. And that's what makes me crazy. But like I said, I actually have been so blessed in the last couple of projects. I produced and directed Grand Hotel, which was a show on ABC, and I was like, I want to interview female DPS. I've never seen one.

They're like unicorns and ABC's like IRA. There's none.

We're like, what?

No, I mean, surely there are female DP's. You know, they showed me Tom and Bob and Hank and then they go, oh, and then there's this woman, you know, and she came in with the best presentation. She was just like this. I would do it at it. And she was kind and talented and like, that's the best combo.

And we've done, you know, eight more projects since then because we have now a shorthand. She's amazing. She then has two female camera operators who have two female asses.

So it's so beautiful to see me give back to her her give back to other women, like just to help them along.

And I remember we were on Grand Hotel and there was an AC, a focus puller who just was missing the shot. It was a really hard wrap. And I said, OK, no, no, no, she's going to turn on that line. You got to go to her. And she's like, Yeah, yeah. And you could tell the poor girl was like sweating and she could never get it.

And then it happened many times.

And Allison comes me, she goes, I know, I know how I got a fire.

I got to fire the AC.

And I said, no, don't fire her trainer. Tell her why she's doing that wrong. Who is the operator that can help her get it? I don't know how she's going to do it, but like, don't fire her trainer. And she's like, all right.

And so in editing, we're like, yeah, we don't have the shot, but we kept her because she needs that chance to get better.

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OK, here's more questions what talent or ability would you most like to have? I wish I could sing. I don't know how it service me in any way, but people go either you do it all.

You're such a multi hyphenates or anything you can't do. And I'm like, yeah, sing, sing. And they go, Oh, I'm sure you could I go, oh, no, no. Like there are people that are tone deaf and cannot sing. That's me.

I wish I knew how to play the piano. So when we went to like Hollywood parties, I could just play.

You could just lean against the piano and yes. Just steal the show. I know. I like you say that is if we go to Hollywood parties.

I know it seems like a fun idea.

That whole world of like musically talented, like piano guitar, like I'm going to bust out a guitar. And, you know, Sheryl Crow is a really good friend of mine. When she lived in L.A., I would go to her house and I would forget she's a rock star. And then we'd be somewhere and she'd bust out the guitar and belt out something. And I was like, oh, God, that's right. You're Sheryl Crow.

Like you're her because she was so amazing and great. Yeah. OK, what's a trait you dislike in others? Inefficiency?

I thought so. I think there's 48 hours in a day. I think people waste more time than they think when they're like, I just don't have time.

I'm like, now you're probably do you probably do have more time. What's a trait you dislike in yourself?

Probably that I'm all about efficiency. But no, I think this is something I've gotten better at probably since centimes been born is is patience. And I think it stems from that. Like, there's just a better way to do it. And it's my way and I just kind of going, OK, you know. Sure. And letting go of needing to control that.

My husband is like a frustrated interior designer. So he's constantly moving the furniture, like I'll walk into a room and fall over because he moved the couch. And I'm like, when did this move? And he's like, yeah, I move the couch. He moves the art every two weeks, you know, he's like, we should change the pillows on the bed. And it used to make me so upset.

And then I just stopped one day and I go, why does it make you upset? Who cares if he wants to move the couch every week? Let him move the couch like, fine, the couch will be fine, whatever it is.

And I've kind of tried to apply that everywhere, like when I meet people sometimes and whether it's like a know it all or a one upper or whatever it is, you go cool. OK, so inside I'm like, OK, so this is a one upper and and I just let them be that as opposed to confront it during me.

Yeah. I'm like, OK, easy. Got easy buddy. That's a good leader ever.

I feel like you may be one of the few people that I know that doesn't hold grudges, but I have no idea.

Do you know I don't take anything personal either. Ever. Like ever. And I remember reading the four agreements and that was one of them, like don't take things personal.

And I was like, oh my God, that's what I always say, because I was a first aid in my past life on non-union films. And there was a director who was just screaming and yelling. And I was going, huh?

And I remember this particular set was a death actor and the actor had to cross the street. And I said, I have to cue the actor because he's deaf. He can't hear this is alive street. Like, when do you want me to cue the actor? And he'd be like, mother fucker.

But I had my back and I was like, great. So before or after the line, he's like, you go, God damn it, I can't, I can't. La la la la la la. And I go, OK, so should I do it before the line.

And I remember my friend who was on set and he goes, I was about to punch the guy for how horrible he spoke to you. So horrible.

And I literally go win and he goes what are you, that whole exchange you just had and I like literally went over my head because that wasn't my concern.

I was like, I want to make sure the actors are safe.

And I could sign a little bit. So I was like, OK, trying to manage that.

And I was like, his ego is the last of my concerns, right? If he wants to scream and shout, that's on him. And then it's always been that way. When I got divorced, I was like, OK, I'm going to hold on to the good, not the bad.

When people have hurt me in the past or betrayed me, I'm like, wow, they must have been in a painful part of their lives to have made these decisions or whatever.

And honestly, it sounds like I'm an amazing, enlightened person. I'm not I don't know where that comes from.

It's just my nature.

Well, because you're a wonderful person, but you also have a shit ton of other things to think about. I'm really not concerned about you.

Oh, how does it affect me?

I don't have time to deal with your shit. Yeah, I don't hold.

You hold grudges. No. I think I can be really forgiving. I am surprised, I think, when people have a different agenda than I do. Yeah, I don't know if I'm as good at it as you are, but I think I'm all right at not being too upset.

Yeah, you strike me as a very forgiving person. I'm not forgiving as much as it doesn't even matter to me. So I'm like a goodbye like. Yes, moving on.

Like, I have somebody like, oh, you know, I remember when we fought five years ago and like we did well remember. Thank you for forgiving me five years ago. I don't know if I forgave you. I just forgot.

Yes. Very big difference. All right, what is your favorite rainy day movie, rainy day movie? I love Casino. Oh, that's a good one to watch a movie over and over.

And I love Soapdish.

I don't think I've seen Soap Dish, Sally Field, Robert Downey Jr., Kathy Damaging, Whoopi Goldberg.

Everybody's in it.

It was from the 80s. It's hilarious.

It's what my TV show is based on telenovela, which was behind the scenes of a soap opera. So it was called Soap Dish, and it's big and broad and campy. And Robert Downey is 12 years old. I mean, he's not 12, but he's a baby and he's hilarious. And Sally Field, she had done all these serious movies and she just did Magnolia's and that writer who wrote Star Magnolia's wrote Soapdish, Bobby Darling.

And she goes, I just want to be pretty for once in a movie, because she was always like, you know, the strike or the morning mother.

And and so Bobby Halfling wrote Soapdish for her as this beautiful soap star that were gowns. And so she had a lot of fun with it.

Oh, amazing. I have to see that. Who would you call if you got food poisoning and couldn't really move?

Oh, my assistant. Yeah, my husband would not be helpful in that situation. Definitely my assistant. Same thing with like if I had a flat tire, if I was in jail, if I was like stranded on I like all my assistant. She's like the most dependable person in the world.

I feel like I would call you because I would get it done. You would call your assistant? I yeah. You would get it fucking done.

What qualities do you look for in a romantic partner?

Humor and kindness. You met my husband, right? Did you meet him? No, he never. He didn't come. No, I never. So he's the kindest human being in the world.

Like I thought I was nice.

And then I look like a mean person next to him because he's just so kind to everybody he encounters, whether it's like the waiter or an executive that he knows or, you know, the valet guy. Like, he's just so kind and sweet. And I just I'm always in all of him. I just adore my husband because of that. And then he makes me laugh. We just make each other laugh.

I love that quality, though, like consideration across the board.

You're that way. You're so kind and sweet to everybody you encounter until I stab him in the back ever. Yeah. Until you know that turn happens and then they're fucked up.

OK, what qualities do you look for in a friend. Oh, I would say loyalty, but that's such a big umbrella word.

I've had the same girlfriends for twenty five years and I think the thing about long friendships that can never be replaced is the things you experience together.

You know, all my girlfriends, I was sleeping on their couch when I moved to Hollywood.

I remember borrowing their clothes to go on auditions because I didn't have clothes. You know, they would give me rides to the audition. And so when we go on vacation now or we go somewhere and they're like, we can't even believe we're in this hotel room because they remember when we all shared one Motel six in Vegas. Right.

We had to share a towel. It's like those bonding memories and experiences that we got to do together. And I don't know what the word is for that, but I guess camaraderie or like a family. Yeah, the family you choose. Yeah. One of them could murder somebody and or I maybe I would murder somebody and they would be like, OK, we got it. We got to hide the body. We're going to have to get a car, we're going have to read like they wouldn't ask anything of like why did you do.

They would be like, all right, so this is what we got.

We got we got into this, right?

Yeah. No bad example. No, no, it's a great example. OK, on what occasion do you lie.

Oh I don't anymore.

What a great answer.

I don't. Well I try not I don't really lie anymore.

I've really grown in that. Don't you think that comes with age. Totally. And I think the not wanting to hurt people's feelings, you know. Oh my God, your movie was amazing.

You care more about what other people think about you. And so you lie like, you know, all I could make your birthday party because I got food poisoning and you just didn't want to go right now.

I would say, like, they I just couldn't get out of bed. I mean, I could not get out of the house. And luckily, when you have children, too, it's actually true. Like, I just wanted to stay home with Santi and that's it.

Yeah. I'm so with you. And it's liberating.

And I really appreciate it when my hands are kind enough to give me the same thing, like, yeah, I love you, but I want to watch this thing.

I accidentally put my pajamas on and I can't get out of bed. Right. Right. Completely.

And I find the truth is so much easier and appreciate it. I agree with you like it's so appreciated by people way more than all the or if you ask favors like, hey, will you do my part? Cars and people like I don't want to I really don't want to do any podcast right now, I'll say like I just really don't want to do an interview right now.

People go, great, thanks for the quick response as opposed to, like, me making something up and then they'll come back later going. How about now? How about now. How about now and then it just doesn't go away, you know what I mean?

And so it's like the truth usually ends the journey of whatever the conversation was happening. But this podcast I love to do, I was actually very upset. I haven't been on in a while.

I'm so glad that you are, though. I love talking with you.

So I want to ask you, do you have that one luxury item that you purchased maybe early in your career?

Do you still have something that was like, I can't believe that this thing that was out of reach like a few years ago now?

It would seem silly, but the first thing I bought when I got like a big paycheck was a leather jacket. I don't have it anymore, but I remember it was three hundred dollars. And I was like, I can't ever wear it because it might get dirty, like I and then I felt so guilty about it and going, why did I buy a three hundred dollar leather jacket act.

So that was like my biggest splurge. But now honestly I think the most extravagant things materialistically that I have were gifts. I remembered something.

I did a lot of gifts and even like putting the shoes on and people are like, oh, look at those shoes.

I'm like, I didn't buy them. I would never buy him for hundred dollar shoes, but somebody gave it to us. I felt like I should put them on his feet before he outgrows them and take a picture to send the person. But like I still have a poor man's mentality when it comes to spending. I think I most of the stuff I spend is for my family and travel. I think travel is the greatest luxury. So I will give my sisters trips somewhere for their whole family or will all take a family trip somewhere.

And so those things are are big splurges that I never feel guilty about because that's where I love to spend my money.

That doesn't surprise me at all about you. Like, I don't see you as precious in that particular way.

I guess that's just because I grew up.

But yeah, I've never been like label label a label, label like I need that. I need this. I'm always like, God, how much are those socks. That's a lot for socks.

That's why you're a great director.

You can control a budget for what historical figure would you start a fan club. Jesus Christ, that was my pageant answer back in the day.

Really? Yeah. It was like if you had a time machine, would you go forward or backward in time and who would you meet? And I said I would go back in time to meet Jesus Christ because I was like, who's going to be Jesus Christ, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Mike, drop. Yeah, I win. I win. Yeah. We're very spiritual.

Fan club for Susan B. Anthony, Harriet Tubman, Delores Werter. She's still alive, but I think I am her biggest fan.

So, Eva, will you forgive me? I don't know who that is.

Dolores Huerta was with Cesar Chavez and she helped found the United Farm Workers, Cesar Chavez and Dolores Huerta, right? Yeah. With the grape boycott and the SEECP, whether she was the great Chicano movement in the 1960s and she was the biggest part of it. And she's been arrested eighty five times. She's you know, she just turned ninety and still still at it.

And she's amazing.

And I love her. I love her. Yeah.

OK, is there a moment in your career or personal life that you're most proud of?

In my personal life, when I got my master's degree, I was shooting Desperate Housewives. I think it was like season four or five.

Al. Why?

I thought it was a good idea to get my masters during the busiest time of my life. And I went took one class and then I took two classes and then I enrolled. And then all of a sudden I was like, oh my God.

And then it got out to the press. Now I have to finish because people know I'm in this.

But it was so all consuming.

Like to be in an academic state, I can see how people get stuck in an academic drain because there's so much we don't know.

And I was like, oh, my God, I got to go back. I want to get my doctorates. It just opened my mind up even more and more and more. And I remember graduating and doing my thesis and having to test the thesis, and it just felt like a whole world that I had never been a part of.

And also, oh, my God, this other subculture exists while we're over here making TV and making movies.

And it's like these people are trying to solve world issues. All right. I was like, gosh, maybe I should go do that.

So that was a really big accomplishment. Yeah.

OK, to whom would you most like to apologize and why?

Oh, my mom, she's still alive. It's not like she's not here, but I was a horrible teenager, I. Think back to some of the things that I said to her or like how I acted and I was not even a bad kid, I was like a straight-A honor student.

And you're like climbing the ladder at Wendy's. Yeah. And I was an asshole, wasn't I? Like, Oh, just. Oh, Ma, I'm good. I hate you. And I was like, oh, if my child ever says I hate you, I just don't know what I would do.

Like the heartbreak that that must sound like. So yeah, my mom sorry for being a really bad teenager.

It wasn't like drugs or anything. It was just like bad attitude in one word.

How would you like to be remembered?

I don't know. I don't know. That's hard for me to answer.

I know I was thinking about the idea of curiosity. Oh yeah. And how curious you are, your endless quest for knowledge about everything. And I love that about you.

I love that word.

But you're also incredibly generous and empathetic. But I do think that your curiosity definitely sets you apart in a wonderful way.

Oh, thank you. I love that word was more people were curious to find out the facts, but generous is a good word. I would hope people think I'm generous with my time or with my knowledge. And there's so many women I've mentored to become directors. And I'm like, come on, where are we going to sit down? I'm going to show you a couple of TV shows. I'm going to show you what the shot is at it.

And they're just blown away by the time right there. Like like you pulled up all these shows to show me, like, this is crazy.

I remember my girlfriend Loteria was directing Once upon a Time, which is a very specific show. I've never done that kind of show. But I was like, come over, I want to show you some stuff. And I showed her some stuff.

And I said, so I looked at your show and I realized you guys do a lot of this and a lot of that and a lot of this.

And we just talked about it for hours until she felt comfortable.

You've been on the show for eight years.

Nobody better to direct it than you.

And I would hope people think I'm generous with my time. You know that. I love to spend time with people.

I love it that you have patience with people, but you also have high expectations for them. That is very, very generous, that you don't judge somebody's ability. And your solution is like, well, let's get you ready.

Yeah, we got to figure it out. Yeah. So many of the girls just want to talk it out, you know. I mean, like so I did my short list and this does this. I go it's great. You go. OK, ok, good, good, good. You know, so that is so true though because I know they can do it so I'm like do the homework, do the work, let's do the work.

I will do it together. But you got to do the work. I know you're capable of doing the work.

Even I just love you so much and I can't thank you enough for doing this. I love you Michael and I can't wait to see you again. Enjoying a Miller Lite with your favorite people looks different these days, but staying connected has always been important no matter what it took. After quarantining for the past six months, my family and I recently drove to Edmonds, Washington, to see my parents. It's a long drive and we arrived late in the day, a little tired and more than a little hungry.

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Hey, everyone, I would like to welcome back Marc Brookes, to help offer some advice and perspective on online dating.

Marc works with the leading Internet dating companies and has a unique understanding of a world which I know nothing about.

Mark, thank you so much for your wonderful advice, and I just I love talking with you. Thank you again.

I'm pleased to be here. And hopefully I can help out with some of these folks. All right. So we call Nick. Hello. Hi, how are you? It's on. I'm good. It's such a pleasure to talk to you. I'm such a fan of you and the podcast. Oh, thank you, Nick.

And thanks so much for writing in. I'm happy to talk to you.

I'm here with Mark Brooks. Hello, Nick. Hi. Mark is a leading online dating business expert and he's been educating me about the world that I do not know of. Oh, thank God.

I know. I know. I know. Nicole, you tell us what's going on. Yeah.

Long story short, I am from Ohio and I'm an actor, and I've always had it in my sights to move to New York. And about three years ago I did. And I was in a relationship for four years with a guy. And I moved to New York and about I'd say six months later, we broke up. It's something that I kind of already saw coming and the relationship ended there. So the point at which we broke up was about a year, almost two years ago, to kind of survive in the you know, in New York City.

I worked in hospitality and that requires the worst hours in the world. So dating and auditioning and coaching and stuff like that was very difficult. And then covid happens and then all of a sudden I'm out of a work. And while that's kind of bittersweet, it gave me so much free time to devote to other things. But then it was all pretty much just the dating apps. And while I consider myself to be a down to earth good guy, I'm having a lot of trouble in one of the world's biggest cities, finding guys who a are like they portray on their profile and be serious when they aren't.

It's is it in a bigger city? You're sitting through so much bullshit. Right. And that's that's really just been kind of just disheartening about the whole thing.

Are you over your relationship? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. I called it off. I have no hard feelings about the guy, but I mean, after four years, I needed a little respite. OK. OK, good.

So when people are insincere, what have you experienced, Nick, as red flags on dating apps?

I understand people get nervous when you go on dates, when you start meeting somebody, but it's almost as if like there's a lot of judgment. And I think that comes from I'm twenty seven and the guys I'm going for are between like twenty five and thirty five, I'd say. And I feel like both in the gay community and in age, there's a lot of politics and a lot of personality problems that kind of come out where there's a lot of, I think, harsh mean judgment and a disrespect for the fact that each person is like a person, I think.

Do you think that people tend to put too much emphasis on income? I'm just wondering, because you wrote, how can I find good guys during quarantine? I'm often relegated to dating on social apps. And while there are many guys, most don't seem to make the cut of having a good job, positive, kind outlook and respectful. How should I proceed in a difficult New York City dating climate?

You guys probably all know this. I've never been on dating apps, but I think it would be very difficult to wade through the judgement like you just said, Nick.

Yeah. And whether we're doing it or they're doing it and finding, I guess, a sincerity, I don't know. Mark, what do you think? It's a large question. Yeah.

Yeah, New York is a toughie, depending on how you look at you've got more choice there than anywhere else in the country and there's more activity. But New York is a very fast paced dating market. People generally feel like they have a ton of choice. They're out there, moved on. You know, it's a different pace, you know, and a different culture. So I think where dating apps help you is you can do a videotape first and get a sense of someone.

I think it's just there's no reason to really go on a real world date. Now, first, you should jump onto a video date, make sure you like the vibe of the person that you say. Make sure they are who they look like in their photographs and video doesn't lie. So you can make sure you can have a decent experience when you show up. They're not going to be someone who's really misrepresenting themselves and you can gauge their body language and just kind of get a sense of if they really someone that finds you, someone that really could bring you joy, someone that you want to spend time with, you can tell a lot from video and it's OK to spend some time and video within the app getting to know that person because you do have choice.

One thing that I notice is just like I'm learning from past relationships, I'm trying to find something that's healthy for me and certainly for the other person, too, which is why the judgment goes both ways and the judgment is sometimes good and it's not meant to put anyone down. And I think to myself, I should give people a chance to read them deeper, not to just face off like the first red flag, because when the screen is, I don't know, four or five inches on your phone.

Yeah, I feel it incumbent upon myself to give whomever I match with a good chance. And that's what I'd like in return. Yeah, great.

Nick, I think that's noble. Exactly. That's the right attitude. I try. I really try. I just think that maybe I'm just getting bogged down because, you know, we're doing it right. We're in the house all damn day. And after a while, the swiping motion or just like the Rolodex of people that you see in photos are like a little blur, which is like it all looks the same. Yeah, no. Yeah, it's nothing.

Exactly. And I just wonder, am I being too lenient or not harsh enough. A friend of mine just told me last night, and I think you guys might have some good insight to this. This is like maybe you should just take a break when you're not even opening the apps at all for a week or three days or something and reset yourself.

Do you have, like a few different apps that you're on? Yeah, I mean, I'm not religious about checking them every day, but I'm on them frequently enough.

Mark, would you suggest that Nick narrow it down to one that he trusts?

No, I think it's good to be on multiple. OK, yeah. Because you are in multiple communities with different cultures and contexts. And so you've got to get a feel for what you think is a good fit for you.

Right.

I've had so many terrorizing acts with so many different vibes. It really is like a different bar. So which bar Suchi, which, you know, club really feels like home, where you meet people who are giving you the kind of communication pattern that you're happy with in general. But at the end of the day, every community has a different vibe. I think it's two or three. If you don't like five or six or 10, it becomes unmanageable.

Yeah, make sure to turn the notifications off.

Oh, I do. Yeah, that'll be it won't put you in a good place. I think it's important to come out Internet dating with attention for Internet dating when you come at it and you're doing something else and you have to jump in because of the message you and hey, you like the look at them, you want to make sure you get the messages, but it's a bad time and you say the wrong thing. That's where they can bring out the worst in you because you're busy.

So I think it's good to kind of have that time and it can be every couple of hours. That's a big thing. When we move to mobile is the usage patterns change completely. People got addicted, right? And we drive addictions in some ways. We want that. We want people in the ads paying for memberships and staying with us a long time. So we'll send you a lot of choice, make it difficult to choose. But at some stage, yeah, you need to choose the app, the apps and not to, which is a nice number.

I know one guy who's got over 100 hundred dating apps on his phone. He's on my consulting team because he's just so into every single dating app that he knows the full realm, everything under the sun. He's got people every night.

Well, yeah, basically he's very charismatic and knows how to work and super nice.

And he knows Internet dating like nobody else I know.

And he's in a wonderful relationship, isn't he? He's in several wonderful relationships. Yeah.

Would you do video dating? Would you be interested in potentially spending like, you know, a half an hour with some of these people that intrigue you?

Yeah, I have a couple of days. One, we're supposed to meet for coffee, socially distance, of course. But I think I just got confused and burnt out from having two similar experiences each time.

What was a similar experience? How does the communication go? I think recently I've noticed that, like, I'll have mutual interest in a guy and he'll have it in me. And then we talk for like five days and then we send pictures. And I'm not talking about sex here, but it's just like pictures of like me and talking about where I'm from and what I do and hearing from him as well and then the interactions. And maybe he feels the same way.

But I'm doing this so many times that it doesn't feel like dating anymore. Feels like interviewing for a job.

Yeah, that's a great way to put it, Nick.

You start to think, OK, am I doing something wrong or am I actually interested if I act like I'm on a conveyor belt, it's not fun anymore.

Yeah, well, and there is like that mutual salesmanship that I would imagine that it's hard to be real.

Yeah, exactly.

Like a job interview. Like you're so concerned with what you're saying or doing and presenting yourself that it's hard to even absorb who the other person is potentially.

I mean, I think it does help to kind of slow it down and take a deep breath and take it at a slower pace to take it more seriously. Because after a while, you get desensitized. I remember when I first downloaded the apps a couple of years ago before I was in a relationship, it was so exciting and new and interesting. And the apps made me feel special. Years ago, and I bet a lot of people would say that now it just feels like homework.

Yeah. At the end of the day, what I think is happening is you are not finding joy and tippity tap, right? Yeah, you're doing instant messaging. And that's because tap on tap is inhuman. That's a relatively recent thing. I mean, you used to be on a proper keyboard. At least now we're punching away on a little mobile phone keyboard and trying to keep up with messages. But that whole way of communicating is inhuman. We are humans.

Yeah.

And so my advice is to get onto a videotape earlier and make them shorter. You know, the etiquette is not necessarily half an hour. There's actually a sunk cost fallacy. If you put a lot of time into somebody's messaging, if you're not attracted to them when you're on video, you'll have a harder time pulling away, basically. So the trick is to have more video dates, less tap, tap. It's more fulfilling for the soul. I believe that's the way the industry is moving.

While it makes a lot of sense right now, of course, but we didn't do it before because people didn't want to do video. People wanted to consume video. They wanted to see the other person that they were real shy about being in the video. That's all changed. So you don't need a tax return. It's OK now to jump into a video earlier. It's OK to agree on it being 10 to 15 minutes, maybe half an hour.

And hey, if you've met someone that really likes you, five and an hour, two hours goes if you really want to spend time with them.

But and once you both agree to that, like the human inflection with our voice is so important. Yeah. And yet not be conveyed by text. Yeah. And I think there's also a ton of miscommunication that can happen. I always feel like obligated to put exclamation points after everything, which makes me fucking crazy because I feel like I need to portray myself as an upbeat person.

I agree with that.

I agree that we don't talk like we take. And to show somebody exactly how we feel is quite difficult, even with emojis and stuff like that. It's not the same.

So, Nick, would you feel up for potentially doing some video dates and would you mind telling me about them? I would love to.

I would love to, Ana, but I would love that Nick. And I cannot thank you enough for calling and writing in and talking with you.

Sure. Sure. Thank you. Thank you.

Mark, did you have any final words of advice for Nick? You know, I was just thinking of how you mentally approach Internet dating. You know, there's high expectations on both sides and it's quite stressful. Sometimes it's a tough thing to find joy through the Internet dating process because it's not that joyful an experience when you tap tapping on a keyboard, the same sort of questions, the same sort of thing. That's why video is human. If you can approach each day with the goal of making the other person smile, then at least you've been victorious on every day, right?

I like that. Change the mindset and you'll change the experience. Yeah.

Mark, that is great advice. Good luck with it. I'm so excited now. Thank you, Mark. Nick, thank you so much. Thank you, Nick. I appreciate it. Thank you, Mark.

Thank you. Bye bye. Mark, I cannot thank you enough. Thank you. I've had a great time.