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How are we doing? Good, good to hear it. Want to hear how I'm doing? I texted a therapist today which to some of you might be like, not that crazy, but let me tell you, this is a little bit crazy. I'll explain why I have never had a full time therapist.

I tried when I was like 10 years old. My parents got divorced and they were like, we're going to put you into therapy. I didn't want to do it. I hated the experience. I don't think I said one thing to the therapist the whole time that I went. I went for probably six months, maybe three months. I don't know. And remember, I was like 10, but.

I did not say a word to them. I refused to talk about my problems to a therapist, and although now I'm so much more of an open book, I feel like I'll just talk about anything.

I just have a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to therapy for some reason. But I've I've dabbled in it a little bit. I have a therapist that I'll call anytime I'm having like a complete meltdown.

And I've had her on speed dial for the past probably two years.

But I've never I tried to like schedule like once a week thing, but I ended up canceling it. And it's just it's always been really hard for me to come in.

And today, I woke up with such awful anxiety that I was like, you know what, I'm going to send this therapist a text. And here's what I texted them. I said, I would love to set something up soon. Been putting off therapy for pretty much my whole life. I think it's time.

Let me know if you have time to chat this week, so I will keep you guys updated on my therapy journey.

I have always been very, in a way, close minded about it, even though I really condone it for others. I've seen so many people thrive off of therapy, like I've just seen it be so good for so many people, but. I'm stubborn and like my bad experience as a kid made it really hard for me to commit to it, so we will see, but my anxiety tends to like express itself in fixating on irrational things. For example, I am going to be going out of town for the holidays and I'm just so scared that I'm going to get covid before I leave.

But I really need to get out of L.A. again, like I want to get out of California in general. And the thought of like getting covid and not being able to go is destroying me. And so that's one thing I'm fixating on, even though, like, there's literally no way like the likelihood of me having it. Is very slim, considering that I it just isn't there's not a high likelihood of it, but it doesn't matter. My brain is fixated on it and cannot get over it.

It just keeps replaying over and over again like what it would feel like to get the positive result, which is fucking stupid.

But I'm not talking about this to like whatever, that's just what my brains fixating on.

Would I be OK? Yes. Would all be fine in the long run. Yes, but I just really don't want that to happen. So that's what I was fixated on. I was also fixated on. Every conversation I've ever had this morning, I was thinking about any conversation I've had with in the past what week, and I was just like, oh my God, did I hurt anybody feelings this week?

Did I like everything you can imagine? Like, it was nonstop in my brain this morning. And that was kind of what set me off. I was like, you know what, I'm done. I'm living in such discomfort constantly with this anxiety, I might as well try to get a little bit of help.

So this is your sign. If you guys have been putting off therapy like me, this is your sign to do it and to send it. I think this could be really good for me and all of us, so. Let's get into the episode, though, today we're doing an advice session, this is where you guys send me stuff, questions, comments, whatever you want advice on to the Twitter out AG podcast. And then I discuss and we have a one on one little cutie intimate moment.

Let's just get right into it.

I know I'm not the most, like, emotionally stable right now, but I think that. We will push through and who knows what type of advice I'm going to. Present today, God only knows it could be awful advice because I'm clearly in a rational mess, if you all knew, like the extent of the shit that I get anxious about, like. I literally feel like I'm being wiretapped in my phone and that, like when I talk about somebody behind their back, even if it's not even bad that they can hear me like that is how irrational and crazy my anxiety is.

Or like that.

One time I thought I should the bed when I slept over at a guy's house, when there was no sign of shit anywhere, I just convinced myself that I might have started while I was sleeping a little bit and that there was poop on his bed. Explain that to me. And how would there not have been shit on my body? Like unreal how irrational I am.

Oh my God, it's such a fucking. Why is my mind like this?

I just need to get over myself, I think, to be honest and just be like Ammit. Nobody's paying that close attention to you or what you're doing. Nobody actually cares that much.

I needed to hear that and I'm glad I just had it to myself because I really need to do that anyways. First thing someone said, when you break up with somebody, is it normal to be sad if you're the one that broke up with them? I'm not sure why I feel that way. Absolutely, because breakups are hard for both parties. And I think people always assume that the person that got broken up with is going to hurt worse. But there's equal amounts of pain on the other side.

Well, there's equal potential for pain on the other side. Obviously, there's potential for a weird recovery on both sides, too, but there's absolutely a lot of potential for pain on the side of the person that did the breaking up. And here's why. If you broke up with somebody now you have this weight on your shoulders of did I make the right decision? How badly did I hurt this person? What if I want to get back together with them?

Are they going to take me back? I you know, or like I'm lonely now that I'm single, but I also don't want to be with this person. And I broke up with them for a reason. But I like Miss having a companion. But I'm the one that made this decision. I'm the one that wanted to break up. But now I also feel lonely and you fight. It's so easy to fight your own mind when you're the breaker upper.

It's so normal. Breakups are emotional no matter what for either party. You don't need to be hard on yourself. About feeling sadness. Write it out. But also be proud of yourself for realizing that the relationship wasn't working, ending it and being strong enough to keep it that way and to write out your sadness, that takes bravery.

It's a lot easier to just stay in a relationship that's mediocre or even bad. Sometimes it's easier to be in a bad relationship than than to end a bad relationship.

Unfortunately, breaking up with somebody takes courage and remember why you did it, but also realize that being sad is a part of it. And don't push that emotion away. Don't resent yourself for feeling that way. Ride it out. And acknowledge your bravery for what you did, because it's not easy to break up with somebody, it's actually really fucking terrifying. Somebody said, what's your opinion on self diagnosing when it comes to mental health? I actually thought about this question a lot because I feel like I self diagnose myself with a lot of things before I actually, like, found out that I did have them.

I don't think that it's a good idea, though, because here's the thing. Let's say you have a headache and you look up diseases related to headache. On Google, you're going to see a lot of shit that you don't want to see and you're going to see a lot of shit that's very extreme and it's going to scare the shit out of you. Most likely half the shit you're seeing on Google is not even real or not.

Well, it's real, but it's not accurate. And just because the shoe fits a little bit doesn't mean it fits all the way. But it's really easy for your mind to see, oh, my God, I have a brain tumor because I have a headache and convince your brain that the shoe fits and that that is a potential. And that's what's going on when in reality you might just be dehydrated. Do you see what I'm saying? And I think with mental health self-doubt, it's the same thing like let's say, you know, your PMS saying, well, this only pertains to women, but whatever, let's see your PMS and you're having like intense mood swings, which are normal.

And you look that up on Google, it might say that you're bipolar, but you're not bipolar. You're just having mood swings that are hormonal. Do you see what I'm saying? I think it can be harmful. And I think that it's always best to talk to a professional and it's also best to get that peace of mind because then you're not guessing or trying to, like, find a remedy for something that's like not even confirmed.

It's just save yourself the stress and just go and seek help professionally and call it a day.

But I also think that there's like with mental health, it's a lot more obvious. Like, I think you can tell if you're depressed or anxious, I feel like it's whatever. But also some people think that they're depressed when they're not, you know, because it's a lot it's not just like feeling sad.

So I think that the amount of information that you can find on the Internet right now about mental health is so great and it's been so helpful for me, you know, to realize so many things and even to, like, find advice and stuff.

But at the same time, everybody's so different that the only way that you're going to be able to get true real information that pertains to you is by going to somebody who's a professional and they're looking at you and your mind specifically. Somebody said. How do you get better being vulnerable with a significant other. I'm not a touchy feely person, which kind of makes me come off as cold in relationships, how can I show that I care and am interested in and am interested in them?

I have a really hard time with this myself, and within the last year I would say I've really like blossomed in this way.

And my dad said something to me that really stuck with me and he was like, if you love somebody a lot, like if you really fucking love somebody like a dangerous amount, what do you have to lose?

Like pour everything into it.

Every urge that you have to, like, tell them that you love them, every urge that you have to give them a little kiss on the forehead, whatever the fuck it is, you do it because if you're fully like in love with somebody and dedicated to somebody, what's the worst that could happen? Like, if they don't reciprocate it, then you guys break up what you were meant to be together anyway. You might as well go all in and even push yourself a little bit to show them how much you love them and care about them, because what do you have to lose?

Remember that be like what do I have to lose in being affectionate and vulnerable around my significant other.

What do I have to lose? Besides them, which seems scary, yes, but it's like if they can't handle it, then you guys aren't meant to be together anyway.

I also find that, like, vulnerability in general is really attractive.

And endearing, but if you're just genuinely uncomfortable by physical affection in general, I would say be easy on yourself and take it slow, but also challenge yourself a little bit, because I feel like I used to be really like afraid of giving any physical affection in general, like in general, general, I got over it, but like, it took me a while.

My thing is I just would put myself into kind of uncomfortable situations, like in one of my first relationships, like I had to force myself to, like, put my arm around him in the car or like. Till I give him a kiss on the cheek, like I had to make that decision, it wasn't like natural like how it is for me now, it was like I had to literally make that decision. I think it partially stems from the fact that my parents got divorced.

I never really saw affection in my household, so I just didn't really know what it was supposed to look like. And it made me uncomfortable. Now I've figured it out and created my own definition and gotten comfortable with it, but. Take it easy, but kind of like get yourself out of your comfort zone a little bit and also something that I've done is like copy, like let your partner set the tone.

If this is something that makes you uncomfortable, let your partner set the tone and kind of like almost copy them. Like, in a way, if they, like, kiss you on the forehead, you kiss them back on the forehead, and that will kind of teach you almost how to do it. And then eventually it'll just become natural. Thank you to calm for sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes 20-20 has been a lot, and I think that we could all benefit from less stress and more sleep in our lives.

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Get started today. AdCom dotcom slash AMA. That's calm dotcom slash AMA. Somebody said, I have this one friend who constantly changes every conversation into something about herself when I say something such as I'm so happy with my boyfriend, she'll say something like, oh, what? I'm not good enough or can't really, because every guy I talk to you plays me and it's fine that she talks about herself, but it's all the time. I wish that every now and then she would listen to me and make me feel like she's listening and supporting me.

I'm afraid to say something because I feel like she'll get upset and I don't want her to feel like I don't care about her feelings and make her feel like her feelings are invalid. What do you think I should do, by the way?

Love you. Love you, too.

It sounds like your friend is having a really bad moment with their self-esteem, which is very normal, but.

That's unpleasant to be around, and I think that the way I would handle this is to kind of put a little wedge in the friendship, step back a little bit, distance yourself from this friend. And just kind of let them figure their shit out because they'll get over it like stuff like this is usually a phase. Because if your friend is talking like that constantly, it just means they obviously have a personal issue like this is not.

I don't feel like that's a normal personality trait, I mean, maybe like somebody is a narcissist, but like I feel like this is just a phase.

Like that's because I feel like I've even had moments like that where I've just been so insecure that, like, everything's about me and how insecure I am, and especially when I was a lot younger to have maybe not.

More with my parents than anybody else, which I think is kind of different, but still, either way, moments when I'm like that are moments when I'm really genuinely struggling.

Remember that it's not you, it's it's your friend struggling. Step back from the relationship a little bit. Give it a little bit of breathing room and if you feel comfortable. If she asks you, hey, why are you distancing yourself? You say, listen, I feel like when we have conversations, it's really one sided and.

I want to help you and I want to be there for you and I want to. Be close with you and have a close friendship with you, but it's really hard when. I feel like, you know, you don't really listen to me or what I want to talk about, and you don't really support me.

It's always followed up with something that. Is not very positive, even if I'm sharing something positive about my life, and that's something that's hard for me because it bums me out and it's hard for me to be around if you feel comfortable saying that, oh, my God, she's going to learn so much from this and so are you. But I also understand that that's super uncomfortable. So I think step one would be to distance yourself from that friendship a little bit and see what goes from there.

It's totally normal, it's totally healthy to put a little wedge in a friendship, to put a little bookmark in it for a second.

And kind of step back and let them reflect, because people use other people as a clutch. And whether you like it or not, you know, you're kind of enabling her and you're enabling this behavior, you're not confronting her about it. So how is she supposed to learn? You're enabling her by letting her do it. And sitting there through it, I've done this thousands of times with friendships where I'll complain about how one of my friends are behaving, but then how are they supposed to know I'm not bringing it up to them, you know, so unless you bring it up to them.

And make them aware of it, I think that you need to step back a little bit, which is totally normal and healthy as well, sometimes giving somebody the space and not enabling them like that is just what they need to realize what they're doing wrong and kind of self reflect. But you might need to kind of push her in that direction so that she can have that realization because not everybody. Is that. Self reflective in a lot of people can't.

See what they're doing, you know? So it is very situational, I would say. But step one would be to distance yourself. Somebody said, hi, Emma. I've been with my boyfriend for three years and everything is great. Every day I have this weird fear that I will get sick of him if we move in together. As Ariana Grande said, when I miss you, that will change the way I kiss you. Do you think about living with your long term partner and potentially hating being around them, like how we feel when we're around our family members too much?

If so, what should I do to avoid this? I know you live alone and I know that you love your own space.

This is a great question because as I'm getting older, even though I'm still young, I'm 19.

This is something that I think about a lot because I've lived alone and all that for, you know, two or three years now. And even growing up, I grew up living with my parents and like no siblings.

So I've always been pretty isolated. And when it comes to, like, my home life, you know, and the thought of moving in with my significant other at some point.

Whenever that may be, is kind of a weird thought, I am actually not afraid of it because I think that. It actually is something to be really excited about, and when you really love somebody and you love spending time with them.

The thought of living with them is exciting, and it should be so, I think, for starters, get excited about it because this is like the next step in life and it's really exciting and it's something to. To be excited about and to look forward to, but at the same time, yes, there are complications with it and. I worry about it myself because I don't know what it would be like, so it's hard to know, like, would it completely fuck up the relationship?

I think it wouldn't if you do it the right way. Here are my thoughts.

I think living together can can actually be like one of the better things for your relationship if you structure it in a way that is in. Overdoing it like. Make sure that, you know, you still have separate lives. Whether that means like going to work all day and not seeing each other or even having different rooms, I've actually been seeing this on take talk. A lot of couples have different rooms and I actually don't think that's a terrible idea.

And they sleep together every night, but they have their own separate rooms and their own separate spaces in the home and.

It's things like that, so that you both don't become too codependent, I think that's when it becomes toxic. But if you guys can find a way to separate your lives like you do now while living together, I think that you're going to be completely fine. And I think that if you've been together for three years and you guys are still going strong, even if living together comes with some struggles, you guys are going to be able to get through it.

Do you know what I mean? I don't think that it would be the deal breaker, but I think that you also need to be honest with yourself. You're like, fuck, like we're living together and like, you know, I feel like I'm getting sick of them. And having them around. Be honest with yourself when those moments come and figure out a solution in the moment, like don't just say, OK, well, I'm annoyed with them, but I'm just going to, like, keep acting like everything's fine.

That's when resentment builds.

And she'd be like, hey, I feel like it might be good if we go to lunch separately today. Let's say if you guys both work from home.

Like being honest about the space that you need or if you need to go on a little weekend trip by yourself, a little weekend road trip, do it. You adapt in those situations and you adjust so that everybody's happy.

You know, I think that the goal should be to live together, but it feel like you don't live together, Vibs. That's, I think, the way that you should approach it. I do think that another thing is let's say you guys both work from home, maybe you can switch off in like one of you works at a coffee shop or works at the park or something every other day, like you figure out ways to. Not want to kill each other, basically, but I'm excited, I think it'll be fun, even though I am afraid because.

Mainly, I like to have my alone time so that I can go poop, I can shower, I can, like, do weird shit if I want, like, walk around naked. God only knows.

Well, I guess that's fine if you're dating somebody. But you know what I'm saying, like, I like to do weird shit. Like sometimes I'm like cutting my toenails, sitting on my fucking bathroom floor naked, like it's a little bit it those moments become. A little bit more tense when there's somebody else in the house, you know what I mean? You can't be a free spirit like you normally are, or at least it feels like that for a lot of people, especially in the beginning.

And that is something I fear, but I also feel like. That's an ego thing, and you get over it, you know. Because when you're partners with somebody for life, it's like. You make those adjustments and compromises, you know, somebody said advice on how to be myself around my significant others family. This is also a really good one. I mean, I think that meeting your significant others family is one of the scariest things ever, but also it's like one of the most exciting things ever because.

When you again, when you really love someone, you want to feel like you're a part of their family, you want to feel like you, it's like you want to bring them in to every element of your life and they should want to bring you into every element of their life and just kind of make everything one big happy family, loving, whatever.

It's it's something to be excited about. But it also is really scary because if you love somebody and their family doesn't really love you, it's fucking scary and it happens. But I think that being yourself is the best way to gain love and acceptance from your significant other family. And here's my tip, remember that they're probably going to like you the most if you're being yourself. It's probably going to work out the best if you're being yourself. I feel like.

I feel like usually what's significant other families don't like about the significant other that's brought into the family.

Is. When they aren't. Immersing themselves in the family and they're not participating actively and they're not making an effort to make connections with all the family members, if you're being yourself and you're making an effort to make connections with everybody in the family and you're making an effort to build those relationships and to be vulnerable around them, even into that's just so important. And I think being yourself and putting proper effort in and really making it a priority is you're going to be golden.

I think that the mistake that you can make is to try to be something that would be perfect in their eyes because they're probably going to see right through it.

Also, remember that you're probably thinking about it a lot deeper than they are, even though families tend to be very analytical of their relatives, significant other. You're still probably being harder on yourself than anybody in that room is going to be.

And remember that and put your ego aside for a second to be like, listen, I'm just going to go into this as me and they can take it or leave it. They're probably going to love it. Thank you all for sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes, Otwell is the leading provider of audio books in spoken word entertainment from best sellers to new releases to exclusive audible originals and podcasts, including exclusive series Good News you can now find and follow anything goes on audible, along with hundreds of thousands of other podcasts.

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I know I basically only listen to podcasts, so I'm a part of this. I feel like there's something about podcasts that help with my anxiety. It feels like I have somebody in the room talking to me, but I don't actually have to have a real conversation or put any effort in. It's like mindless human connection. And I love that.

I also used to use Audible when I used to have to read books for school and it was very helpful because I could listen to the book while I was doing other homework, multitasking, multitasking, you know what I mean? So Audible's been an OG for me forever. Ever get anything goes along with other popular shows by searching for them in the audible app. And while you're there, browse around and maybe you'll find some new favorites. Go to audible dot com slash pods, podcasts or text pods to 500 500 to download the audible app and follow us there.

Love you all so much.

Peace and love. My therapist texted me back and said that she can talk today at three 15, I'm ecstatic. Sorry, quick side note. I am so excited. I really just need help.

Like, I'm so I'm like, so excited. Like, me being excited about therapy is part scary because I'm like, what the fuck came over me? Like, what? Because I feel like I've always been like, oh, I don't need it. Like whatever I can handle is shit on my own, like whatever you know, I'll just go get it when I need it. And I'm not like in a really bad spot, like I'm anxious but I like know that I'm being irrational.

I know that it's all stupid. I know that my anxiety like. Just takes over my brain every once in a while and like, ruins my life, but. I am aware of it, like I'm aware of it and I'm in touch with it, so when it happens, when I have a moment that's rough, I like can see through it because I know that I'm being irrational. I know that I'm fixating on things for no reason or because my anxiety decided to make my brain fixate on it like I know when that's going on and I'm aware of it, which is why I feel like I always thought, like, what's a therapist going to do to help me?

Because I'm already aware of what's going on. I know I'm being irrational, but I think it's like maybe going to help me with strategies like make it like to ease it. I don't know. I don't know. We'll see what they can offer. But at this point, I'm just excited because I just want the anxiety to go away. So anyways, OK, next, somebody said, I don't want to post this question publicly. Totally fine, you guys can always Dmae, if you guys don't ever want these to be because I don't want them to be public, my one friend is in an abusive relationship and I don't know how if I can help.

Her wife has cut her off from speaking to literally everyone in her life, friends, family, everybody, and controls every aspect and has blocked everyone from being able to contact her. However, I know that you can't really help someone that doesn't want the help.

She's going to have to figure it out and leave on her own eventually. Do you have any advice? I just feel so bad sitting here knowing that she's being abused, but she's also kind of choosing to stay in the relationship, but not really. I love your podcast.

Thank you so much. This is really a tough one for me because I'm morally conflicted, part of me wants to say. Listen, this is your friend, you love her, but. If she's choosing to be in this and she's not. Asking you for help or not accepting help from you, then there's nothing you can really do, but at the same time.

I really feel like. Do you know what I think you should do, and I don't know. This is just my. This is what I would do. But I don't know if this is too uncomfortable or if you're not even able to get in contact with her because of the way that her, um, wife girlfriend was a wife or girlfriend wife.

Well, see, that's even harder because when you're married, it's like totally different. It's even more intense. And so if you can't get in contact with her, I say you try to find any way that you can, even if that means literally going on fucking Facebook Messenger, I don't care.

Try to set up some sort of conversation with this friend and really just share your concern. Be like, listen, I know that you don't see it the way that I'm seeing it, but from an outsider's point of view, your being your your life is in the control of your wife.

You have no control over your life. That rhymed. That is not healthy. That is not normal. That's toxic. And I don't care if you don't see it, but I can't sit here and watch you be manipulated into giving your life up to your own wife and not say anything, you know.

And just be like, I want you to know that I'm worried about you and that I'm here to help you if you need to get out of this relationship, whatever you need, I'm here to help. I just need to share my concern and say that I'm worried about you and that I think that something needs to be done about this because this is not.

You can't live your life like this, you live one life, you have one life on this planet, you don't want to spend your life being controlled by your significant other. That's so incredibly unnecessary. There's seven billion people on this planet. You don't need to be with somebody that's isolating you from everybody that you know and love that's just so weird and so toxic. And share your concern. To be brutally honest, you have nothing to lose. You might lose the friendship temporarily, but I can almost guarantee that this person would come back to you.

It might take a year. It might take five years, but they would come back to you at some point and be like you are right. And even if this conversation just plants a seed, even if it causes an argument, it's still planted a seed. And having that seed planted in your friend's mind and making them aware of what's going on, if they're kind of blind to it, is the best thing you can do, because sitting there and doing nothing is also, in a way, OK, because it's it's not your job to save your adult friend from a toxic like if it's sometimes there's nothing you can do, you know what I mean?

And sometimes it is out of your control and there's nothing you can do and it hurts. But if you can just have one conversation with them and plant a seed, I feel like you can take it from there.

But if you feel this intense drive to help have that conversation, even if it's uncomfortable and even if it ruins the friendship, they will, that's that is being a good friend. And I would want somebody to do that for me. Even if I was mad about it for five years, I would would I would rather somebody come to me and express their concern.

Somebody said, hey, mom, I need your advice, there was this girl who had a crush on all throughout high school and she just recently, four to five weeks ago, broke up with her boyfriend.

How do I tell her that I still like her even though she just got out of a relationship?

I don't want to bombard her.

I would say that now that she's single, I would say that this is is not the time to confess your love by any means. I think this is a great time to work on developing your friendship with her again, because I think that usually when somebody is in a relationship. They're not going to really be friends with. Other people that like could potentially be a romantic interest as well. Do you know what I mean? Like, I feel like whenever I'm in a relationship, like I'm not hanging out with other guys unless it's like the guy that I'm dating, my friend, like, it's pretty rare that that would ever happen.

And if it does happen, it's definitely not somebody that I'm, like, interested in, you know what I mean?

So. I would say you. Really start to develop your friendship with this girl and really, really get close with her and. Work on that friendship first, because I think that bombarding her and saying, like I'm in love with you right now is not going to work because four to five weeks after a breakup, you're still pretty vulnerable, you know.

I would say wait and focus on growing the friendship and enjoy the fact that you have a crush on her because honestly, having crushes is so fun and it can be uncomfortable and painful. But I also think that, like, there's something really exciting and fun about it and so enjoy it, grow the friendship, get really close with her as a friend. Chances are she'll probably end up falling in love with you. Because friendship builds some of the greatest relationships.

Whether you were friends before or you became friends because you're in a relationship. Friendship is the basis of any good relationship. And so building that friendship now and working on that is something that's low risk that you can work on now. And you can, you know, assess the whole. Dating thing in a few months when she's recovered and you guys are a little bit closer. Somebody said, I lost my grandma in May, and with the holidays coming up, it's emotionally going to be very hard and I have been struggling a lot with losing her.

Do you have any advice on how to deal with losing a loved one, especially during the holidays?

This is so tough because I know that this is why I think the holidays are such a bittersweet time for everybody, because whether you're dealing with some drama in the family or you're dealing with the loss of a loved one, no matter what it is, the holidays actually are one of the most uncomfortable times of the year for most people.

Even if you have a really good situation. I feel like every time that the holidays come around, everybody has at least one thing that makes it. More difficult, I think, the best thing that you can do.

Is really lean in to your family and really use the holidays as a time to appreciate your family, like in a way that's like I feel like so many people just go home for the holidays and they're in autopilot and they're not really like taking the time to catch up with all their relatives.

It's kind of more of like an autopilot thing.

Really, really be present and talk to your family members about your grandma and the memories that you had with her and cry with your family members about it. Bond with your family about your grandma in a way that's. It's a beautiful thing like bond with your family about your grandma in a way that's loving. And in a way, positive, you know. Don't force yourself to be alone through this, don't bottle up the feelings that you're having, the rest of your family is feeling the exact same way as you talk to them about about it and bond with them about it.

There's nothing more comforting than the feeling of community.

I think it's a human thing and feeling understood and feeling like other people are feeling the same thing as you have those moments with your family. Talk about those things with your family and use this as a time to grow your relationship with the rest of your family even more. Somebody said, how do you deal with body acne? I have some, and it's one of my biggest insecurities. I can't seem to get rid of it. I struggled with this a lot.

And while you can always go to a dermatologist, something that I did that really helped with my back knee was I would take an acne face wash, like whatever one that you like, that's like acne carrying or acne preventing or whatever.

Put it on a scrub brush and scrub the areas that you have the body acne.

That helped me a little bit.

Besides that, I would say go to a dermatologist with anything skin related that you're struggling with, I would always say go to a dermatologist, because although I'm very much into skin care and all of that, there are some things that can't be fixed by in acne products, like there's some things that, you know, may need medication to aid.

And so go to that dermatologist, see what they have to say, but also try the scrub brush thing that used to kind of work for me on and off. But I also tried everything. I used to get facials on my back and extractions on my back.

Nothing ever worked for me. It was fucking awful. Another thing is make sure you're showering right after you work out. That's huge. That made a huge difference for me. Thank you to HBO, Max, for sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes This Christmas, you have two ways to experience the epic adventure Wonder Woman 1984 in theaters and on HBO, Max on the exact same day, streaming at no extra cost to HBO.

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I've always seen my self-worth based on external factors like what guys think about me or how well I'm doing in school, et cetera, right now all my friends are getting into relationships and doing stuff, but I have nothing. I don't know what is wrong with me. My self-esteem has plummeted. Please help. I love the podcast.

I love you too. And thank you. And I fucking feel this so hard.

I talked about this recently in my hobbies episode where I was talking about how I got a drum set in a sewing machine and I'm going to try to like pick up some hobbies.

I do think that the hobbies thing, it helps. I think that like finding ways to fill your time and finding things that you can do that enhance your life.

And you're doing it for you and you only not for anybody else, not for any kind of praise or anything doing something that makes you feel like you accomplished something for you. Like for me, learning how to play a drumbeat. That's for me. I'm not doing that because I want to be in a band. I'm not doing that to impress anybody. I'm doing that to impress myself and to excite myself. It's fully something that's just for me and that's why it's so empowering.

And I think that finding things like that for you to be really good.

I also think that it's also important to train your mind to not think like that when your brain starts to think God like I'm not shit like I whatever look in the mirror and be like, that's not true. Close your eyes for a moment and repeat in your head over and over again. That's not true. That's not true. That's not true. Take deep breaths. Retrain your mind to not think like that. I have to do that all the time with so many different things.

When I'm having really bad anxiety, for example, I'll have to close my eyes and be like, that's not real. That's not real life. That's not real life. That's not real.

Life is sometimes the best thing you can do is just try to reroute your brain. But more than anything, I think long term, finding a hobby that you're passionate about, finding something that you love to do for you and you only is the best thing you can do for your self-esteem.

I'm still learning how to get motivated to find those hobbies and to pursue them. Actually, it's not easy, but.

Push yourself to find something that you enjoy doing for you and for nobody goddamn else. Somebody said, yo, am I kind of like this girl?

But she keeps mentioning a guy she's currently talking to who she repeatedly says is an asshole and treats her like shit.

What should I do? Sit back when she complains about it, tell her that she deserves better and just wait because nice guys may finish last, but they still finish. They should finish first, but they did. I don't know why a lot of people love mean douchebags, but I mean, I used to be like that. But trust me, if you just sit back and you support her and you treat her really well, she's going to subconsciously start looking at you and being like, why is this guy that I'm talking to acting like you?

You know what I mean? Like my friend so-and-so is like so much better than the guy that I'm talking to.

Like, why am I not talking to him?

It trust me, if you just don't don't get involved too heavily, treat her as well as you possibly can be a good friend to her. Remind her that she deserves better and just wait, because I can almost promise you that. You guys will probably end up together. Next, somebody said, what does a healthy breakup look like to you, or do you think it even exists? I do think it does exist. I OK, so I'm not speaking from experience here because I don't feel like I've really had a healthy breakup.

Unfortunately, just because there's always been drama involved, like a real breakup, I'm not talking about like a breakup with like somebody that you talk to for like a month, like I'm talking about like anything over probably three months.

Usually it's a little dirty, which is funny because I always used to say before I started getting into relationships that I would always have like civil breakups. But sometimes it's not up to you.

You know, a healthy breakup to me would be something that was mutually agreed upon. And we're honestly, you both agree to not speak to one another anymore. I know it's hard. I know so many people are like, fuck, but I want to be friends with them still. I don't think that that that works.

I think it's better to break up and not speak and have your own life and grow without that person around for as long as you can until you're either over it or you're ready to re-enter this person's life again and vice versa. I think that the biggest mistake people make is they try to be friends and they try to have this whatever. Good luck not having a little kissy time with them. I'm so sorry you're going to hang out and you're going to fuck in.

One of the hardest things is to break up with somebody that you truly loved and then to be in the same room with them and not be able to touch them the way they used to. Not in a weird way, but like, you know, you can't wrap your arms around them in the way that you used to.

You can't kiss them when you know what I'm saying. Like, it's weird and it hurts so bad. So it's so much better to just in a way, cold turkey it in a civil way, be like agree that cold turkey is the way to go, not see each other for a while and then reenter each other's lives, if you so please, down the line once you've grown and had some time to reflect on why you even broke up in the first place, do you know what I mean?

I think that that time without that person around is so crucial for a breakup, because even if you guys end up getting back together like you need that time to figure out who you are and what you want in a relationship, I also think that a breakup itself should not have a lot of yelling, screaming, etc. But that's also sometimes too much to ask.

But I think that as like civil and respectful as you can be, I mean. Never hurts. Somebody said, I've been left undelivered for multiple days, how can I stop this, don't talk to this person anymore. Delete their messages from your phone. Don't text them again. Don't Snapchat them again and wait for them to come to you. If you love something, you set it free and if it comes back that shit was meant to be, you don't need to waste your time being left on fucking deliver.

There's seven million people, seven billion people sorry on this planet that would respond to you within 20 minutes. You don't need to be fucking with that ever. Somebody said, I love Tic-Tac, but it oftentimes triggers me. And it sucks because I end up with a lot of anxiety that I can't go without it. You can go without it. You can go without it. It's hard because he talks such a fun clutch and it's so easy to just like you almost.

I feel like I go on take talk when I am anxious because I'm like, OK, I just want to like disappear into my phone. But then I end up getting more anxious to find something to replace. Take talk for you. For me. Just got the new drum set. Before I allow myself to go on tick tock, I forced myself to play the drums for a little bit and usually I end up not even wanting to go on. Take talk anymore after that, it's like finding a replacement because it's not like you're just going to lay in bed and stare your ceiling, whether it is drawing, whether it's journaling, speaking of journaling, and you start doing that again.

Fuck, I really need to start doing that again anyway.

Like, whatever it is, find something else to do. Go cook something in your kitchen. I don't care. Find something else.

It absolutely triggers me to it.

It triggers all of the different literal mental things that I struggle with, whether it's eating things, whether it's anxiety, whether it's depression. It's a huge trigger for all those things. For me personally and I don't know why that is. I don't know if it's just because it's so much information in such a short amount of time. There's so many people on there that it's so easy to compare yourself to. Like, you know, if you see a hundred take talks, you're probably going to see one person that you envy in some way that does not help.

Also, the fact that, you know, there's so much false information and drama and, you know, shit like that all over take talk that causes anxiety. You know, people talking about triggering topics in general about mental health. It can be so bad going in, sitting on a drum set, going and picking up a guitar, going and writing in a journal for ten minutes could be the reason why your anxiety actually subsides for a little bit. Whereas going on, take talk, she's going to make it worse.

You don't need tick tock. Tick tock needs you actually. Tick tock, tick tock needs us to be addicted or else they don't make money.

So we're kind of. There, bitch a little bit. Find something else to do, you can do it, you're stopping yourself from doing it, you're telling yourself no, but nothing entertains me like tick tock.

I don't want to write in a journal that's boring. Do it anyway. Force yourself to do it. It's like when you're crying and you go and you smile at yourself in the mirror to make yourself feel better if you do it and convince yourself that like you can find entertainment and something else, it'll become a habit. This next one has slight trigger warning for eating related things, somebody said, hi, Emma. So basically I want to work out and lift weights and all that, but I don't want to gain weight.

I'm normal yet. I hate the thought of gaining weight. How do I stop thinking that working out equals gaining weight? I hate the concept of weight because weight has it so. Not it's so complex, like. The number on the scale, it's like it's such a toxic thing, this is what you need to do, you need to never weigh yourself again. You can look in the mirror and see the results of you, you know, getting muscles in, like, you know, becoming stronger.

Look in the mirror for your progress. Never the scale. Look in the mirror and be happy and loving towards what's in the mirror. Fuck the scale. Weight is such a complicated thing. Don't base your accomplishments because let's say your accomplishment is I want to get really strong and I want to be able to do 15 pushups. OK, let's say that's your goal.

Don't let's say you finally are able to do your 15 pushups, look in the mirror and be like, fuck, yeah. This body that I'm looking at right here is the reason why I can do 15 push ups now. Fuck, yes, I love this body and I'm going to be in it my whole life and I love it. And I love her. I love him. I love whoever I love. This exact body is in the mirror.

This scale literally means nothing. Look in the mirror. And love that person that you see. Wait, don't ever weigh yourself again, throw the scale away. I know it's hard. I know when you get fixated on it, it's like, fuck, like it's almost like itching an itch because you just want to, like, no, stop. You just need to throw the Scalloway all together. Period. Honestly, I think everybody should throw their scales away.

I actually have a scale in my bathroom and I should probably throw it away because I don't think that they're good to have around. It's so toxic and I don't even know why I have one. Like, I don't remember when I bought it or like why or like what was going through my head. I literally don't even remember buying it, but it's in my bathroom and it's not. And I don't think it should be there. I might throw it away, literally throw it fucking down my dumpster later.

It's just not necessary. It's so fucking unnecessary. You should base your health and your strength off of what you can do with your body. And. That's it, not. What fucking no, like wait is literally how much gravity is pulling you to the center of it. So there's such a bigger picture and it's something that is so easy to become toxic. Throw that scale in the trash. Let's all throw our scales in the trash. Somebody said, I have a friend that I love to death, but at times she's so toxic and I get so frustrated with her, but sometimes she's the only person that actually understands me.

So I don't know what to do. Girl, you need to find new friends. You need to find your friends because you're settling for a toxic situation just because it's comfortable and we want to do that here.

You can still be friends with her, but you need to find more friends. There are, again, seven people, seven seven people, seven billion people on this planet. You don't need to be settling for a toxic friend whenever you're dealing with somebody in your life. That's difficult and that's toxic. Remember how many fucking people are on this planet and remember that you're making the decision every day to be in this person's life. When you could. Being something a lot healthier, like don't remember that there are so many people on this planet, it would it's impossible that there isn't a better situation out there somewhere in most scenarios.

Somebody said job advice on how to make a good impression. I did apply. For two jobs in my life, I got both jobs I applied at a retail job and at a food place, and I will tell you how I did it. I didn't end up working at either of the places, which is a long story, but I did apply and I did get the job. No one come prepared. And be organized, take your time preparing for this.

Print out your resume, wear a good outfit. Show up on time, the whole nine yards, be ready. Focus your day on this job interview. Why not? You live once, put your heart and soul into it. Fuck it. Right. During the interview. Be yourself, because at the end of the day, you're going to be. Working at said place for probably a decent amount of time, they're going to end up finding out who you really are anyway, be yourself, OK?

Take deep breaths, there's no need to be flustered or scared, worse comes to worse, you don't get the job. It wasn't meant to be. Take deep breaths, gather yourself and remember that everything happens for a reason, and it's not that deep and that will kind of, I think. I mean, it can be deep sometimes, like sometimes it's like, you know, there's a lot of pressure and I understand that as well. Like it totally is situational.

But I think the remember that. The ball's out of your court, it's up to the person that is interviewing you, you know what I mean? The best thing you can do is have confidence. Be proud of everything that you've accomplished and be proud of your resume. Be proud of the type of person that you are and be proud of the fact that this business would be lucky to have you. Remember that and walk into that meeting like, fuck, yeah, I got this the interview.

Fuck, yeah, I got this. Whatever. And last but not least, if you are inexperienced in something or you don't like, know about something.

Be honest about it. Be like I don't have experience in this area, but I'm extremely excited to learn more about it.

I would love to learn more about it. And, you know, you can share like I'm I'm a good learner. I feel like I'm a good learner or, you know, I'm willing to take time even when I'm not working to make sure that I acquire the proper knowledge to be. Good for you guys. You know what I mean? It's like. Adapt in a way, and even if, like you don't, even if you feel unprepared, be like to be honest, like, you know, I don't really know how to answer this question.

Like, be honest, because people connect with honest people. People connect with vulnerability in honesty and, you know, realness. And so in a job interview, remember that you're talking to another human being and being you is going to be so charming to them.

They're going to choose somebody that's charming and likeable over somebody that maybe has like this amazing resume but has like no social skills and is not going to be able to, like, work in that in their environment.

You know what I'm saying?

Remember that. Somebody said, what should I do when I feel physically unstable, any time that you feel any kind of instability at all, take a fucking break, put your phone down, get out a journal, go. Every little every solution I have is like go to your drum set. Like the fucking people have drum sets. Take a break. Put the technology away, put everything away and lay in bed and do something else, lay in bed and paint a painting, lay in bed and paint your toenails, I don't care.

Do something mindless and comfortable in the safety of your own home or even at a park or wherever the fuck like go for a walk, a slow walk.

It doesn't you don't know if you're physically uncomfortable. Going for a walk might not work, but it might help a little bit. Sometimes when I'm feeling like shit going for a walk and getting the fresh air and kind of moving my muscles a little bit is all I need. Main thing. Put the phone down. And really get back into connection with your body and figure out what's going on. And how you can fix it, because just sitting there and being on your phone, sitting there and not doing anything about it is not going to get you anywhere.

Somebody said, hi, am I need advice, last year I started talking to this guy and it was going really well and we connected immediately, he ended up telling me he didn't want to date in college after he kept bringing up our future and acting like he wanted to be with me forever.

That's the fucking worst. I'm a senior in high school and now he's a freshman at college. He started talking to me again recently and acts like we're still together some days. But I'm really confused. I still have strong feelings for him, but I don't want to get hurt again. I feel like we're soulmates, but he can be immature sometimes and be confusing. Please help. OK, here's what you need to do. You need to tell him this.

Hi, so and so, whatever his name is, I have feelings for you still, and it's really hard for me to be constantly wondering what we are, what we're going to be in a year, X, Y and Z. I can't do it. I want to be with you at some point. But if you can't be with me right now, I need my space because this is hurting me. It's hurting me to be in contact with you, but not be able to be with you in the way that I want to be.

I, I can't. You can't have one foot in and one foot out. I need both feet in. Or no feed in and, you know, you can say, like, listen, I really care about you and I really like you a lot and I feel like we have a really great. Chance of being together, but I can't be half and half all or nothing, and if you can't do that for me right now, then right now is just not the time for us to be in each other's lives and honestly kind of cut him off a little bit.

And I know it's going to be so uncomfortable, but trust me, you think that they won't come back. They always come back. Always. He will come back when he's ready, he's going to mature in college, you're going to mature in college, you got your guys whose paths will cross again. If you put your foot down, that man is going to fucking respect the hell out of you because he's going to be like, damn, like she knows what she wants.

She's not letting me. Have my cake and eat it, too, like, wow, and there's even a decent chance that he's going to be like, well, I don't want to lose her, so I need to grow up. But my my big boy pants on in my make it happen. Anyway, guys, I need to eat my lunch, I'm getting hungry, but thank you guys so much for listening. I love you all so much.

If you guys want to be a part of the next advice session, go to Twitter at Ajai podcast. Tweet me questions. Shit, you want advice on whatever it may be.

Also, if you like the podcast, go to Apple podcast and give us a five stars. It means so much to me and it really, really helps me out. I love you all so much and I really appreciate you coming back and listening to me every single week, if that's something that you do. If not, also fine, even if you just popped in right now. Appreciate you just the same. I love you all so much. Stay safe, stay healthy and wish me luck at my first therapist appointment today.

I'm very nervous. I love you all. Sweet dreams or good morning or good afternoon.

Well, by.