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Thank you to Doordarshan for sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes. Hi, guys, welcome back to Anything Goes. I'm Emma Chamberlain.


How are you doing today? I hope you're doing well. I'm going to be honest with you guys, I've recorded this episode three times. And it's been different every time, but for some reason, I just can't get it right, I'll get halfway through and stop, I'll get all the way through.


We'll edit it and then it's like it's just not working for me today and yesterday and the day before that and the day before that and.


I don't really know what's wrong, but I'm also not worried about it because this is very normal with anything, sometimes you're going to have a moment where shit just isn't working, like sometimes shit just doesn't work. And it seems that even though it's twenty, twenty one now and.


We're in a new year. Shit is still continuously hitting the fan, I think subconsciously a lot of us were expecting the new year to bring some level of peace. And unfortunately, it hasn't really been that way, and I know a lot of people have been very anxious the last few days, if you're listening to this when it comes out. And I think I've also been on my phone too much. I talk about this every episode, my phone usage, literally main topic of this podcast is how much I've been using my phone.


It's like, have I been using it too much? Am I have I been off it for a while? It comes up at least once an episode. I've been on it much, far too much. My screen time is up 150 percent, and I am not proud of it. Yeah, it's I mean, it's easy it's safe to say I've been a little bit scatterbrained and I think a lot of people can relate. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything right now.


And. It's really hard for me to work. I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing. It's been tough and it's weird because it just like came on to me all of a sudden and it's like literally one week I will be like, I am thriving Queen's.


Nothing can tear me down, and then 48 hours later, I'm like, what the fuck? So that just shows how life is like that. Whatever worst day. I talk about this at least once an episode, we get an AMA shut up. OK, let's talk about. Some more important matters, No. One, I watched a documentary last night that you all need to watch, it's on Netflix. It's called Don't Fuck With Cats.


It's one of the most interesting murder mysteries, but solved mysteries that I've ever watched.


It was insane. I don't know if people are talking about it a lot or not, but I am shocked at how good it was. Also Lokey the editing and it was super funny, but like it was also a serious and fucked up documentary. But it was like kind of weirdly funny. It was so good. Guys, it's true. It's based off a true story. Well, it is based on a true story. It is a true story.


And it's one of the most interesting and entertaining. And unique. Murder mysteries that I've ever watched, and it will just suck you right in, so if you're feeling like me and you just want to sit in your bed and watch TV on your computer. Or on your TV, watch this show. Documentary, whatever, it's so good. Yes, I did just take a sip of water, which is weird because I literally never drink water, I drink coffee and.


Lacroix, which is water, but it doesn't feel like it is, and that's all I usually drink. But I've been trained to drink more water because I have really bad stomach pain and I'm trying to find any remedy for it that I can, so drinking water will have to suffice.


As a treatment for now, because I'm too lazy to go to the doctor and I think I just have gas, I don't think I actually have a stomach.


Well, I might. I honestly think I have IBS, but that's the sort of.


Well, I kind of. Yeah, there's something wrong, like there's definitely something wrong. But anyway. So recently I have gotten into cooking and let me tell you, this shit is life changing. Picture this, I turn on music.


Specifically, indie music from the 90s. Not the 90s music that you would think of immediately when you think of 90s music. Not like the pop 90s music I'm talking about. A little bit underground. I turn that shit on. I leave my phone upstairs, I go downstairs. I cook myself a delicious, healthy, fun meal. From scratch, and I feel like the main character, period, it's unreal, I can't believe I didn't start cooking sooner.


This shit is unbelievable, literally. I don't go my phone for hours because I'm, you know. Deep into cooking with my hands all dirty, I got shallots in. Garlic all over my hands. There's no way to touch my phone anyway, not to mention it's all the way upstairs, so I'm not touching it anyway. Phone is away. Music is blazing. Everything is time sensitive, you have no time to think about anything except for the home cooked.


Meal from scratch that you're cooking. That's all you can think about in those moments, it's there's so much serotonin to be released from cooking, I've been literally loving it. I cooked soup, vegetables, you name it. I've been cooking it in. It's been unbelievable. Cooking from scratch is also key because it's just a longer process. And it actually tastes better than buying like a premade sauce or, you know, pre-cut shit, like it's it's.


There's something so. Satisfying about mixing all the ingredients together yourself from scratch, everything just tastes more fresh, it's fucking unbelievable. Guys, get into cooking. This is your sign. The only problem is that you're going to smell like food for like the next 24 hours after you cook. And if you're like me and you cook every day now, you're going to constantly smell like. The back of a Pizza Hut. I literally gave somebody a hug the other day and they're like, oh, your hair smells like food.


And I was like, fuck, God damn it. But, you know, I'm OK with smelling like a cutting board at Applebee's, if that means that I have a hobby that gets me off my phone period, I will do anything to get me off my phone because I am addicted to it. And if I don't have a distraction, I will lay in bed all day and go on it. I'll be productive for half the day and be on my phone for the other half like I wasn't productive for the first half the day.


I have to really distract myself or else I just go on my phone all day. Really, and it's I'm not proud of it at all, I feel like shit about it, I'm really trying to get into more things, like I'm trying to get back into running because that's a really good distraction. The cooking thing has been helping. Obviously, I've been trying to play drums and shit like that.


But I mean, at the end of the day, like, I'm addicted to my damn phone and. The hobby thing is helping, but it's still tough. Because it's like, yeah, you cook for two hours, but then if you have nothing else to do after that, then you just go back on your phone. I don't know. Another topic of discussion, another thing to talk about. Is therapy. Kind of jumping from one thing to the next year, but.


You guys might now, if you listen to my last episode that I decided to. Try to go to therapy religiously, OK? Every week I have been struggling with anxiety really bad and.


I've talked to a therapist before on and off for whenever I have, like a really bad depressive episode, I'll talk to a therapist. But it never lasts more than like two weeks, and then I'm usually done and then I call them back later when I need them, but I decided, you know, my anxiety is like making my life miserable to a certain extent.


I really should try to figure out a way to make it easier. You know what I mean? And so I found a new therapist because I was like, fuck it, I'll try new therapies like whatever.


I had one session, it was an hour long and. To be honest, I really don't like it, I didn't really mesh well, I don't think with this therapist.


And it's interesting because I've talked to a therapist before and the other therapist that I used to talk to and still do here, and they're. I feel like I have a better connection with them. But I just wanted to try new therapist just because I was like, I don't know, like. Why not, and I had a record, somebody recommended me a therapist. And. I just don't think it was a good match, maybe or maybe I need to go to more sessions for us to, like, click, but something about it felt off and I and I couldn't put a finger on it and I'm not going to lie.


I was very discouraged because. You know, I am struggling with this anxiety, I would love some relief and. I have had a past with therapy where, like Ichi's, I'm kind of traumatized by therapy, I used to go every week as a kid after my parents got divorced and not just traumatized me, made me never want to go again. And I like, you know, decided, OK, I'm to open up and try to go again.


And she's like, didn't feel right. It felt kind of transactional. And I felt like the advice that I was given was so. Not anything that I hadn't thought about before on my own. The other thing is, is that I'm such an open book with everybody around me. I'll tell anybody in my life that I'm close with about my problems and I don't hold back. I'm not somebody who bottles up my feelings.


I'll share shit with anybody if I feel safe with them, because I love to hear other people's perspective, other people's life experience, stuff like that. And then I can form my own opinion from there, but. I almost prefer that over maybe a therapist, because people in my life know me so well that they can give me. Curated advice, whereas and that could be good or bad, though, because sometimes getting carried a device might not be good.


Where a therapist is going to come in and be a little bit less biased, which could be good. I don't know. I just don't feel like. It's going to work for me, and I also don't feel like I really want to go back again and do it again like I. It felt pointless to me because I already talk about everything and I'm already actively working through everything that I'm aware of that I'm struggling with, I'm just I'm such an open book that I wonder if this is something that's going to work for me.


And maybe I was just the wrong therapist. Maybe it's just the wrong time in my life. I don't know. But it just didn't click. So I'm going to keep trying. But I definitely was discouraged. But I do want to disclaim that. I completely believe in therapy, I think therapy is very important, my personal experience has nothing to do with anybody else's, and so many people have benefited greatly from therapy. And I absolutely recommend everybody try it and try to make it work because they think that talking about your feelings is so fucking important and it's one of the most important things that you can do for yourself.


And I would say. Don't get discouraged if one therapist doesn't work, you'll probably find one that works, although I am feeling discouraged right now and feeling like. It might not just it just might not work for me, which might be the case, but I think regardless of if you have a therapist or not. You need to have somebody that you can vent to in your life, you need to have somebody that you. Can tell everything to and get everything off your chest, too, and whether that's your family, your friends or a therapist, make sure that you have that in your life because you deserve that.


And life is so much better when you're not going through it alone and when you have people to lean on and people to give you.


Opinions and advice, it's so important. And I always encourage everybody in my life to find some sort of outlet to get their feelings out, you can't bottle shit up that that'll ruin your damn life. So. Yes, therapy might not have worked for me first round, but I'm going to keep on damn trying, so I'll keep you guys updated on that. Sometimes you want Chinese food, your friends want pizza. Everybody's fighting someone else's craving froyo, it's a mess.


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Thank you to our Dash for answering this episode. I use you guys probably too much if it's possible I do that next episode.


So this week I feel like I really learned to life lessons and I thought I would share with you. I feel like I had two realizations this week and I thought I would share.


No one. Is that I feel like it. There's been this whole thing about hating on things that are basic or judging people that are, quote unquote basic. And I want that to end in, let me explain why. Actually, before I get into it, let me talk about what basic means, basic means. Wearing things that are. Maybe not fashionable and are maybe just. Kind of bland, like maybe you dressing kind of bland, like wearing things like I'll use what I used to wear in middle school as an example.


This was considered basic in middle school. It was. UGG boots, leggings and a north face jacket.


Now, I would say basic would probably be, I don't know, what do people consider basic like leggings and like Air Force ones with like a hoodie that's considered basic or as for music, anything on the radio? That's super popular. Is considered basic, like super popular songs like. Huge music artists like Taylor Swift or like. Ed Sheeran, like shit like that, like that's considered basic technically in the in the eyes of people on take talk and Instagram and in my generation in general, those are the things that are considered basic.


And I think the things that are basic tend to get a bad rap, rap, rap, whatever.


I used to be this way my. Early teen years, I wanted to be basic, that was what I wanted to do, I wanted to like what everybody else liked because everybody else like them, not because I necessarily liked these things. Some things, yes, some things, no. But I tended to like or lean towards more basic things because. Well, the reason why they're considered basic is because everybody else like them and I wanted to fit in, then I got older and I started to rebel and I was like, fuck this.


Like, I don't want to be basic anymore. I'm going to start wearing, you know, clothes that are maybe considered less basic and I'm gonna start listening to music that's a little bit less basic. And that became my identity in a sense. And I think it is for a lot of people when they are like, I want to be like, I want to be different. I want to be unique. I think that's a great thing because I think that, you know, it can be toxic to.


Only enjoy. Mainstream say things because everybody else enjoys them, I think that that's not necessarily good because then you don't form your own identity. But I also think that being on the other side of it and being obsessed with being unique and being obsessed with. Standing out and not being like everybody else is also toxic, I think it's equally as toxic and I think that there's a middle ground and the middle ground is just liking what you like, no matter if it's basic, no matter if.


It's super different and unique, and nobody's ever seen anything like it before. I don't think that there needs to be this negative stigma around either thing. If you want to listen to pop music because you like it, listen to pop music, if you want to listen to indie music. Listen to the fuckin indie music if you want to wear. You know, crazy vintage loafers that you found at a thrift store that probably nobody has worn since the 1950s because you think it looks unique and different and cool, fucking do it.


But if you want to wear Air Force ones, even though probably ninety nine percent of the population has Air Force ones in the United States specifically. Then, sure. That's definitely an awful and not true statistic, but I I think a lot of people have those shoes. I think it should be more about what you like and what you don't like and what makes you happy, like I remember there was a. But there's a pop song a few months ago, I think was Sean Méndez and Gamelike, Camila Cabello.


It was fucking senhorita, I think that's a song that I think people would consider basic, it was super popular. Everybody loved it. It was very mainstream. I turn that shit on in the car and bump. OK, yeah, it might be considered basic, but I fucking enjoyed it. But then I may go home and listen to a song that has 200000 streams on Spotify, which may be considered more of like an indie song. And I'll love that just the same.


But I choose what I want to do because of because I like it. If somebody wants to dress in an outfit that's considered basic because that makes them happy, they should be able to do that. Comfortably and happily, I just don't think there needs to be this negative stigma around any of that shit. And so that's something I realized this week, and it's because I saw this tick tock of this girl and she was like. Your address basic, quote unquote, but I love it.


Like, I love it, I'm comfortable, I feel cute and like, what's so bad about that? And I was like, you know what? You're so fucking right. There is nothing wrong with it and there's nothing wrong with liking things that everybody else likes. And vice versa. Don't judge other people for what they like life. Life is too fucking short, who cares? Spend that time finding out what you like, goddammit. Another thing I realized this week is that you do not need anybody in your life.


This sounds so obvious, but I tend to really. Attach myself to like a solid three or four people in my life at once, usually, well, always two of them being my parents, so. There's that, but I will tend to like cling to other people in my life, too, like I don't know if I'm dating somebody or, you know, like whoever my best friend is at the time or whatever.


And I tend to freak myself out about what would happen if they weren't in my life anymore, for whatever reason, if something happened to them, if you know the relationship. Doesn't work out or the relationship fizzles or like maybe with my parents, like we grow apart in a way and I constantly that's almost my biggest fear, I think is like losing people that I care about a lot.


And I've talked about this a decent amount, but I realized this week that I really only need myself. I'd be fine. I. I'll touch more specifically on people that aren't family, because I think family's kind of different. So let's exclude my mom and my dad from this, because although I'm very emotionally attached to them and very dependent on them, and in some ways I'm going to exclude them from this because this is more about like friendships or relationships.


You don't need a friend. You don't need a significant other. You should wake up every day and choose to have those people in your life and recognize that you want them in your life, and that's totally normal, fine and healthy. And you can recognize that if they weren't in your life, it would be awful. But you can't. You have to learn how to convince yourself that you don't need them, and I've spent the past week really focusing on this and.


Just remembering that I don't need anybody. As much as I love them and as much as I would literally be so heartbroken if these people that I loved so much weren't in my life, I know I would be fine without them. And guess what? That makes me a better friend. That makes me better when I'm in a relationship, etc. It makes me better in those things because I know. Deep down that I don't need them. And it forces me to enjoy every moment with them, like it could be the last, in a way, but also as if.


With this light heartedness, I can be around these people with a sense of lightness, light, meaning, like metaphorical weight on your back, like I feel light when I'm around people and I don't feel like I need them, but I'm choosing to have them in my life and I want them there. There's something so.


Coming about that feeling. And I think it attracts people as well, and it's so hard to look in the mirror and be like, I don't need anybody else, I could figure this shit out without all the people in my life right now. I could figure it out. I'm not saying it would be easy, but I could fucking figure it out and I'd be fine and I'd make it work and my life would still be a great life. It's such a hard thing to realize, and I'm still struggling with it every day, trying to remember that I wouldn't die without these people.


Sorry, I just started. And yeah, I mean, that's just something I've been really chewing on, is just remembering that. You can't need anybody in your life. You should never look at any kind of relationship in your life, friendship, romantic relationship, whatever, as a need, you can't. You can't it'll ruin your life and it'll ruin the relationship to. In moments when I feel really dependent on people in my life and I'm like, fuck, like I need this person, like they're one of the only streams of happiness for me right now.


I'm like, OK, I'm a you need a damn reset. Because that's not right, you can't look at it like that. And. It'll even ruin a hangout like, let's say I'm hanging out with my friend. The vibes will be off because I'm putting all this pressure. Subconsciously on them. To, like, reassure me, because I feel like I need them and I it's so bizarre, but long story short, convince yourself that you don't need anybody and your life will improve immensely.


Another thing I've been thinking about is if you guys are on some sort of creative endeavor in any way, whatever that may be, whether you're learning how to play an instrument or. You're learning how to edit, you know, YouTube videos, whatever it may be. If you're struggling with it and you're feeling fatigued by it and you're feeling like you're not enjoying it anymore and you feel like. It's just not going smoothly, put it down and walk away for an hour, even if it's homework, it could even be homework.


Some sort of assignment, and it's just like not clicking. Walk away for an hour, I swear to God, I will be trying to learn a new drumbeat because now I'm a fucking drummer. No, not but like I, I have a drum set in my room and I'm trying to learn how to play drums.


If I'm trying to learn a new drum beat, I will literally sit there for an hour trying to figure it out. And I'll get so fucking frustrated. I like sommat, like I'm talking about literally screaming, like I will literally get so mad I'll be screaming in my room and I'll just get so mad. I'm like, fuck this. I only want to do this ever again. I'll walk away for an hour and I'll come back and I'll sit down and I'll try it for another five minutes and I'll get it every time, not every time, but most times.


Sometimes you need to step away from things.


And I feel like people don't realize that when I used to do homework, if I'd be working on homework and I was just like, I can't I can't do this anymore.


Like, it's not working. Like it's just not fucking working. I'd walk away. I'd come back an hour later and I'd finish it all in 20 minutes. Sometimes you just need to give your brain a break and that is so normal and so healthy. People need to be doing that more in that same period. You can experience the epic adventure Wonder Woman 1984 in theaters and on Biomax, now streaming at no extra cost to Biomax subscribers. Plus with HBO Mag Stream, the greatest collection of series movies and exclusive Max originals all in one place, discover something new to watch, like The Undoing, the flight attendant, his dark materials and very much more.


Go to HBO or download the app to sign up and start streaming today. Wonder Woman 1984 is rated PG 13. Wonder Woman 1984 available to stream on HBO Max for 31 days from theatrical premiere. Enjoy. Have fun. Thank you. HBO Max. OK, here's another thing we need to talk about, those were my life lessons of the week. God only knows. How corny they were. I don't even want to know and I can't believe that I'm turning into a.


What am I turning into, I'm turning into some sort of preachy bitch or whatever, if that is what the universe is calling me to do.


I am here to do that.


Another thing I need to talk about is a lot more mundane is the fact that. I am dying my hair. I have been blond for over six months, and it's been amazing.


I love being blonde. I love how it looks.


I even like it when the roots start to grow out.


I have, like, light brown hair, dirty blonde hair. It's kind of like light brown ivy, like light brown hair and. Even when the roots grow and I love it, I love being a platinum blonde. It is my. Passion, but nobody told me. How difficult it was going to be, OK? My hair is destroyed. Destroyed. When I sit on a couch. I will get up in my hair, will look like a bird's nest, my hair tangles so incredibly easily.


It is absurd. Literally like my hair just turns into like it, OK, how do I explain this?


It's so dry that it just clings to itself in a way that is so sad and uncomfortable and my hair is so unhealthy.


That even if I cut it to a bob, to my shoulders, it would still have dead ends like this shit is out of control.


I for some reason in Instagram photos, it doesn't look that bad. And even on camera, it doesn't look that bad. But in person, if you touch it, it feels so incredibly dry and it's to a point where no products can even save it anymore.


I was using some amazing products before in my hair. They were helping to keep it soft and smooth. It's now so dead that, like, there's no going back, not to mention.


My hair kind of tends to turn yellow. A few weeks after I die at every time, and that's kind of not the color that I signed up for, I kind of want to be more white, blonde.


Like, I want my hair to be as light as possible, and it never really quite gets there. When I first get it done, it'll be. Closer to the icy. Snowy white color kind of that I want, and then by two weeks in my hair, looks like. Spagetti. It's a nightmare, some dyeing my hair, I'm not going to tell you what color. Because I don't even know the answer to that yet, but let me tell you, if you want to bleach your hair, think twice.


And here's why. Because my hair is now going to be damaged like this, at least for the next year. And was it worth it? Yes, but. I'm pretty sad about it. So my thing is. Just be careful. And know what you're getting yourself into. It's not all sunshine and rainbows you're going to be dealing with. Dead hair, inevitably, if you bleach it enough times, you will inevitably. Kill your hair, so that's something that we need to think about.


Now gonna head to the Twitter and see what you guys want me to talk about today. Somebody said. Do you believe in destiny, the whole concept that our journey in life is pre written? What are your thoughts on that? My thoughts on that, to be honest, are that I don't know, but. I've always. I would say, no, I do not think that things are pre written, but I do think that everything is in this seems obvious, but.


I'm going to say it anyway, I feel like things are very much a chain reaction. And I don't think that things are pretty red and I think that things. Everything that happens is a product of something else that you've done in your life. Does that make sense? Like if I didn't transfer to the middle school that I transferred to? I wouldn't have gone to the high school that I that I ended up going to, and if I wouldn't have gone to that high school, I don't know if I would have started my YouTube channel because that high school made me very depressed.


And I don't think I would have been depressed if I was at another school. I think that school brought out something in me that I that wouldn't have been brought out otherwise because it was a private all girls school.


And I just think that was not a good fit for me, whether I liked it or not, because I did actually want to go to that school. But it ended up not being a good fit, but whatever. But I don't think I would have gotten as depressed as I did if I wouldn't have went to that school. That's all because I made the decision to go to a different middle school. And me going to that middle school made me want to go to that high school specifically because a lot of my friends were going there and it was a good school in a similar area to where I went to middle school.


Do you see what I'm saying?


I feel like everything is a chain reaction rather than pre written.


But I also am so not opposed to any idea of how shit works. I don't know what happens after we die. I don't know what kind of you know. I don't know. And I don't need to know I'm fine with not knowing, I have no issue with not knowing how the world really works because nobody actually knows. I'm totally fine with that and I have no issue with it.


Somebody said, how do I be more affectionate with my words, I'm horrible at giving praise to my friends and I really want to know how, because I know they will appreciate it.


I OK, this is something I got better at this year.


I've always been fine with giving praise to my friends. I feel like that's always come pretty natural to me, but.


In relationships, no. I used to never give up like I know wonder. OK, see, this is something that I've never been one to be in a relationship in to, like, give my boyfriend a like a compliment, even if I'm thinking it. I just never.


I've been wanting to do it. And it could be because I've never I had dated many guys and none of them had ever given me a lot of compliments.


Really, like I mean, like, yeah, but like not like enough where I felt like my lack of compliments were out of line but.


I've experienced. A. Relationship. Where I was receiving. Compliments. A lot and I was like. Wait, this makes me feel so good. And I. Love reassuring, this is and I think I. Need to do this to. And I think that that's kind of what you're feeling right now and. Here's how I learned how to do it. Basically, you're subconsciously complimenting people in your head all the time, subconsciously, you're like, wow, I really like that person's shirt.


Wow. I really like. That person's sunglasses, wow, this person like, is really glowing, do they like their skin, just looks amazing, something like that. You're complimenting people in your head subconsciously all the time. What I've done is because it's not like I ever force a compliment.


I never force a compliment. Unless I feel like somebody really needs it, but even then, like I'll find something that I genuinely like, I feel like it's fucked up to compliment somebody on something that you don't actually think is cool, do you know what I mean? Like, I think it can be fine, but like, I try to give out the most genuine compliments that I can because I would want the same in return and. So what I did, at least in this specific situation for me personally, where I'm receiving a lot of compliments from this person, but I'm.


Not somebody who's ever really been like that in a relationship at all. I was like, OK, fuck. Every time, I think. Something nice about this person, I'm just going to try to say it, and I'm not going to lie in the beginning, sometimes I would like even get nervous to compliment this person. I'd be like, fuck, like, they look so good today, but like, I just like and literally nervous to compliment them because it's like vulnerable.


I for whatever reason.


But every once in a while. You're going to get the courage to say it out loud now that you're aware. OK, I'm complimenting this person in my head constantly, I'm just going to start verbalizing, you have to make that decision. You already have those compliments stored in your head. Whenever they pop up subconsciously, just say it out loud and don't overthink it, there is a compliment will never harm anyone. Rarely, unless you're being creepy, but I don't think that you are being creepy, so I think that you're fine, a compliment will literally never heard anything.


It's only I've only ever had good things come from me complimenting others. And it feels good to know that, like I'm. Acknowledging. Cool things that people are doing or. If they just have a good energy about them that day, like those are things I want to. I want them to know that I am noticing and it makes them feel so good and it makes me feel good. It's a good thing all around. And if you can get in the habit of it, it'll really make your life even better.


So said somebody said, do you wish you could be a social butterfly again and know that that time is over for you, but do you miss the amount of energy you had?


Sometimes I feel like. Sometimes, yes, sometimes I do kind of miss it because I'm like. Am I missing anything? I don't know, like, is this is this what I'm. Like, I'm happy not being social, but am I missing something by not being social? And. I think at this point, I've realized that, no, I'm not missing anything. I'm very happy with my small circle of people that I love and trust, I feel safe there, I feel safe with them.


I have social interactions with people when I'm at the fucking grocery store and that's enough.


I think it's part of growing up maybe I think it might also be just because my anxiety has been kind of bad. And so I'm just like I just prefer, like stability and comfortable homey situations. I just prefer that I don't know exactly why I'm starting to become more and more anti-social. I don't know. But I'm not mad about it, because if that's what my mind and body wants, then I'm just going to follow that.


There's no need to question it, and maybe in five years I might be back on my social shit and might want that again, but I just have not. A superstrong urge. To be around or to talk to. Almost anybody. And I'm not sorry, so I don't miss it, but sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but then I remember if it feels right to me and this is what I want to do, then yes, it is the right thing.


Somebody said, when was the last time you cried? The last time I cried was on New Year's Day, and it was because I was looking through. A bunch of videos from the past year, and I was watching videos of me from the very beginning of the year, and at that time I was struggling really bad with acne. I was on acne medications that were making my face super puffy. I had terrible self-esteem and I was struggling creatively with YouTube.


I was struggling with the podcast, trying to figure out it was like this transition between stupid genius and now anything goes, and I just honestly felt like everything was going kind of wrong for me.


I was like single and I felt like. Super unworthy of any guy ever like, I was like, no guy's ever going to like me again. And honestly, it is not a bad. Thing is, I kind of ended up being like. OK, shits like not working out for me right now, I feel like I look like shit and I'm like confused career wise, like I like, you know, the podcast isn't really working out. Like, I'm going to need to make a big switch, you know, which did end up happening.


And now it's anything goes and. I was like. Struggling to make YouTube videos because I was so self-conscious about how my face looked at it, I just couldn't even be creative in any way. I couldn't come up with video ideas. I didn't want to be in front of the camera in general. I was like not responsible about getting videos done on time. Like, I was just YouTube was like my worst nightmare because I look like shit in the whole point of YouTube is that it's a literal video of you for X amount of minutes.


So it was like awful and. That was bad from about December of twenty nineteen to like probably. March or April of 2020 was kind of when things started to get, it was like. Really bad in December, and then it was really bad probably up until like February, and then she kind of started to get better in March, in April. And then by like around my birthday, I feel like things were really getting better. And then the last, like, six months of twenty twenty were much better.


And obviously, there are still struggles, but it just got a lot better, but it's just I remember the person I was a year ago and I genuinely pity her, although I shouldn't. But that was the overwhelming feeling that I had where I just was like. God like. I almost felt. Pity, because I was like. I felt bad for who I was because I was like, she just didn't know anything. I've had a lot of realizations this year.


I've worked through a lot of my issues this year because we've had so much time at home. I've learned so many things about the world, about myself, about others. Like I feel like this year I learned so much, looking back at who I was a year ago was very emotional to me because I was like, who is that?


But I also felt sad because when I was on that medication and my face was all puffy and my acne was all bad, I just like felt like I look like shit in my self-esteem was so bad. And that made me make bad decisions, not necessarily bad decisions, because I think now in retrospect, I realized that the decisions, like some of the things that I did that, you know, maybe were stupid.


We're really not that stupid and we're actually very normal. Teen things to do, but I just know that a lot of the. Things that I did. Look, I may be like I may be let boys walk all over me in ways that I shouldn't, you know, stuff like that or I kind of. Did things that weren't in my own best interest, I won't get too far into it, but like, I just wasn't really respecting myself and that's nobody's fault but my own.


I mean, truly, I don't blame anybody for that. But I just was in a really vulnerable spot and I wasn't really respecting myself because I felt like I look like shit and I felt like super not inspired by anything in my life. And it was awful. And I'm just so happy to see my own growth. But it also is just very emotional to look back on.


But also I was crying because I've met some people this year that have changed my life. In like incredible ways and that I've like truly enhanced my life, which is something that I never demanded for myself prior to this year. I feel like I've always settled for friendships and relationships that. Weren't really maybe even healthy for me, not only were they not healthy, but they also. Were. They weren't enhancing my life, they were either. Making my life worse or just kind of like.


Sitting on the sidelines and. Maybe even using me, you know what I mean, which like I feel like I've never demanded friendships in my life that were healthy before because I didn't really know what that look like or relationships. And I feel like this year I really figured out what I deserve in a friendship and what I deserve in a relationship. And now I only demand that for the rest of my life. But it took. Finding people that could show me what that even means.


What a healthy. Relationship in life looks like in general, no matter that's if that's between friends, a relationship, whatever the fuck, you have to find people that will show you what that means.


And some people might be lucky in their first best friend or their first significant other might be somebody that does enhance their life in a positive way. But I know for me, I've had endless friends in relationships that were not that way. And I feel like this year I truly found what it meant to have friendships and relationships that actually enhance your life and make your life better. And that's huge. Basically, long story short, I cried because I've had a lot of realizations, OK?


Somebody said, should I date somebody that smoked cigarettes or marijuana, even if it is a quality in a person that you aren't very fond of? I really love their personality. I just have some reservations. I would say, OK, unless this person's. Use of these substances is getting in the way. Of your relationship, I would say. You should try to date them. I here's my thing about it, a lot of people and I mean, we're being real here.


If I came on here and was like, you should never date somebody who smokes marijuana, you should never date somebody that drinks alcohol. Come on. Let's not I mean, I know I'm 19, whatever, but like, I know what the like. Come on. It's like majority I most people. Have something, whether they're addicted to nicotine. We need. Alcohol, maybe they're not even addicted, but they dabble in those things. Listen, it's not a great thing to be dabbling in, but at the same time.


As long as it's not getting in the way of your relationship. Or your friendship. I say it's something that you can look past because. If it's not getting in the way. And you really like their personality, I just don't see the harm in it, and I might be wrong about that, I don't know. But I've dated people before that. Maybe. Have. Used substances that I haven't. And. So. Like, it didn't bother me because I was like.


As long as they're not forcing me to do anything I don't want to do, which none of them have ever none of them ever have or.


As long as it's not. Harming me or harming them, then I think it's fine because a lot of people can, you know, use substances in it, not harm anyone, even really themselves. Like if, you know, if they're.


Smoking weed of age. OK, it's legal in a lot of places, whatever. And. You don't have to like it, but like, you know. I just think as long as it's not getting in the way. I don't know, I think you you read the situation, ask yourself, are they abusing these things or are they just using them? Every once in a while or they're using it things in healthy doses, they're having a glass of wine before dinner, they're smoking one cigarette every six months.


They're, you know, smoking weed a few times a week because it helps them with their anxiety. Like think about how severe it is. You know, is it severe?


If it is, then maybe you avoid, but if not, then I think you give them a chance. Oh, this is an interesting question. Somebody said, do you think there's a difference between dating and being girlfriend, boyfriend, girlfriend, girlfriend, slash boyfriend? OK, I see what you're saying. Do you think. There should be a formal ask. To be. Significant others. OK, I'm going to rephrase this question, but I think I know what you mean.


I think a lot of people like dating has a different connotation to everybody. Some people think dating. Doesn't mean exclusive, sometimes people think that dating just means that you're like talking and that, like, you guys hang out a lot, but that you can still see other people and. Some people think that there needs to be a girlfriend or boyfriend or whatever, some sort of title. Significant other whatever partner some sort of word to. Make the relationship exclusive.


I personally think if you're dating, that's that means you're exclusive, you only talk to one another and that's it, nothing else. That's just because why would you put a label on anything if you're nonexclusive? Unless you want to have an open relationship, but that's I'm not even going to go there because I've never experienced that and I don't know how to even talk about that, but not that there's anything wrong with it. But I just know nothing about it and could never do it because I would get really mad easily, probably.


But. I think that's a conversation you need to have with whoever you're talking to, if you guys have decided that you're dating, be like, OK, what does this mean? Like, just be straight up, be like are we be like, I don't care. Like, whatever. I'm cool with whatever you want to do. But like, are we? Exclusively seeing each other dating. Are we each other, significant other and there's nobody else like what's the situation, you just have to have that conversation.


I hate how messy it is, but it's funny because relationships are really just. A verbal promise in that's it, and it's kind of crazy how much meaning it holds when it's literally just like a symbol of it's literally you just agreeing with the person verbally. That you are only going to be with them, it's actually a crazy concept if you really think about it. Probably unnatural for humans, although I love it, I love being in a relationship, let me tell you when it's a good one, it's so great.


So maybe it is human nature and I don't know. I don't know. But I think you just need to have that conversation. But the main thing to take from this is. Always communicate and know for sure. What you guys are never jump to conclusions because I've done that and it gets you very hurt, don't assume have that conversation be like, listen, I don't care, but I need to know where we're at because I don't want to go.


Kiss another person and hurt your feelings. You know what I'm saying? Like, where are we at? Or you could be like, I'm only with you and I would like the same energy from you, but I need to make sure that, like, we're both doing that. But also, I've always been like I'm starting to realize that if somebody isn't OK with, like, putting a. A label on your relationship, then they probably aren't really somebody that you should be messing with because people who are too scared to put labels on things aren't ready.


To be in a stable relationship, and that's totally OK, totally normal, but I would say that's the situation you want to avoid because it's always going to end up getting you hurt, you know?


The last question of the day is, if you had a son, would you let him wear a dress? Yes. Duh. Absolutely, I literally here's the thing that blows my mind. Why do there need to be such? Why do people need to be so opinionated about what another individual is doing? Mind your own fucking business, if somebody wants to wear a dress and they maybe aren't. Like the stereotypical dress wearer. Who fucking cares? The only time that I.


Will allow myself. To judge others. Is if they're like kind of being harmful, if somebody let's say. Is doing something inconsiderate towards others or. Just did something wrong in general. Yeah, I'll judge them. And I will confront them and I will not be OK with it, but if it's something as mundane. As whether or not somebody is wearing a dress, that is that's the that should be the least of our fucking worries as a world, but especially like I, I don't like it doesn't matter.


Like, people can do whatever they want and should be able to do whatever they want as long as they're not harming anyone and as long as they. Our kind about it. As long as my kid is being kind. Treating others well, being a good friend, being a good person. I'm never going to give them a hard time. And the whole thing with like gender, blah, blah, blah, blah, who gives a fuck like it's just if my son wants to wear a dress, if my son wants to wear makeup, I don't care.


Whatever my future child wants to do, they're going to be able to do as long as they're being.


The only thing I won't let them do is be an asshole, that's basically it. The only rule that I'm going to give my kid is just don't be an asshole. That's it. No other roles, they can play any sport that they want, have any hobby that they want. Blah, blah, blah, why? Because it doesn't fucking matter, and because if you bring a human being onto this planet. They should be able to do whatever makes them happy, as long as it's.


Not hurting anybody, you get the idea. It's that simple, but I really think that people should learn to mind their own fucking business. I'm serious. Like, it's genuinely getting on my fucking nerves, why do people just have to constantly be so openly judgmental about what other people are doing on the Internet, especially on social media?


Why why do people think that they their opinions are that important? I don't know, it just blows my mind, that's why I always try. I mean, listen, of course, we're human beings. We like to give our opinions. We like to share our opinions. We're not all always going to agree. That's just how it goes. But. I also think that. Some people just need to get a stick out of their own ass. I think the Internet made people.


Too bold about being judgmental, like so many words, judge, mental masteries, my son can wear whatever the fuck he wants, my daughter, whatever, whatever, that I don't I don't even. Yes, like, as long as they're not bullying anybody and even if they do bully somebody, whatever, that's a conversation you have moral. The story is. Yes, I would let that happen, of course. And that should be obvious. And on that note and this episode.


OK. That's it for today's episode. I hope you guys enjoyed. Please tweet me topics to talk about in the next episode at a podcast. I also ask you guys. Weekly, if you want to ask me any questions, stuff like that, I really appreciate you guys coming back every week and listening to me. It makes me feel crazy warm and fuzzy inside. And I love every single one of you that listens to me and connects with me through this podcast.


It's seriously. One of the best things. Ever, if not the best thing ever. It's really, truly an amazing thing, and I just love you guys so much and appreciate guys more than you could ever even imagine.


And also give us a little five stars on Apple podcasts or wherever else you listen. Your broadcast podcast is rating subscribe. Do it all if you want. And if not, that's cool, too. I love you guys. Thanks for hanging out with me. Peace out in peace and love and have an amazing rest of your week.