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Hi, guys, welcome back to Anything Goes, I'm your host at my chamber, and I'm going to regret that intro. The second that I listen to this back, I can feel it already like that one is probably going to be a little grungy, but I'm just rolling with it.
How are you guys doing? I hope you guys are doing great. I'm in my little studio in my closet with my sweet little baby Kitty.
Frankie, she's so. Listen to her. Oh, my God, it's like we're collapsing. She really loves to sit with me when I do my podcast.
And honestly, it's very therapeutic. But we have kind of a heavy topic today, so I'm going to start out by filling you in on my life and then we can get into the topic. So, for one, if you guys are just hopping in now and you don't really you're not really caught up with my life. My parents were staying with me for six weeks. My mom stayed with me for five weeks, and then my dad stayed with me for a week.
And then at one point within that, I was with my dad for a week.
Like I went to I went home and I traveled home and I was with my dad for a week. So like I was with my dad for two weeks and my mom for four weeks.
And I lived with them that whole time. And I really I love my parents so much.
I have a really great relationship with them. I'm very grateful for the relationship I have with my parents. But living with other people for six weeks honestly made me a little bit depressed and I don't know why that is, but it did. And now that they left and I'm all by myself, I feel so much better. And it's so weird because I do not know what the link is.
I don't know why I feel better when I'm by myself, but it's really been.
Good for my mental health to be back by myself, I don't know what it is, I think it's that I feel the freedom to do whatever I want, like truly whatever I want. I can walk around naked. I can cook something at 2:00 in the morning. I can have people over, not really because we're in whatever. But like the two people that I see that are safe to see, like if I want to hang out with somebody at 2:00 in the morning, I can.
If I if my friend needs me to pick them up at 2:00 in the morning, I can go do that. Like it's so nice to have that freedom. I can be loud. I can play music until 2:00 in the morning. Like, I just feel freedom, you know? And I think that that is really good for me and my mental health. So my parents leaving has been really good.
I've been feeling a lot better in general.
I also feel like I'm better about doing my chores when my parents aren't here, because when they're here, I just try to make them do it and like manipulate them into doing it so that I don't have to do my chores. And then I just turn into like a lazy piece of shit. Like, I literally don't think that I cleaned the litter box once the whole time my mom was here because I was like, well, she can do it.
And she did. And she didn't even complain. But still, it was like the fact that I was being so irresponsible and just putting all my toys on my mom, like, made me feel bad. But then again, that is her job as a mom. So whatever. And then when my dad was here, I felt bad because I was like, I should be hanging out with him and doing fun activities. But I also just want to lay in bed.
I was like, I felt all this unnecessary pressure. But the good news is my dad built me a drum set while he was here. I ordered a drum set and my dad. Drove down and built it for me, so now I have a drum set in my room. It is directly next to my bed in the most inconvenient location, but hear me out. This drum set being directly next to my bed makes me play it 50 times more than I would otherwise.
The fact that it's right next to my bed is the best thing I could have done for myself. Whenever I get out of bed to go do something I like, hit the drums for a little bit. Whenever I'm about to lay in bed, I hit the drums for a little bit and I'm already improving. Like I learned a new drumbeat yesterday or know, two days ago, and I'm already like solid at it because it's right next to my bed.
So it's like I it's hard for me not to want to sit down at it every time I go into my bed. So if you want to pick up a hobby, put it right next to your bed. That will really help. Unless it's something like running, then good luck.
But if it's something that you can put next to your bed, put that shit next to your bed, I swear it's really good.
I've also been thinking that I want to get back into journaling again, and it's so embarrassing because I hate talking about that corny shit, but.
I don't know, like I haven't written in a journal in a really long time and like probably over a year, yeah, over a year, I was consistently writing in a journal. About a year ago. And it's so interesting to read, I actually made an episode of reading some of my journal entries, but I feel like I'm in such a better spot now that I want to know, like, I think this would be a fun part of my life to look back on, so.
I want to write in my journal after this, the only thing I don't like about writing in a journal is that my hand cramps, but that's also a very dumb reason not to write in a journal.
So I don't know. I have to start journaling again. And you guys should, too, because it could be kind of fun to look back on this time and see like. What was going through our heads, I guess, you know, like it's just such a weird time, this would be such an interesting journal entry to show your kids. Also, imagine if before bed you read journal entries to your kid.
I feel like kids would love that.
I would have loved that if might my from my parents, although I'm probably going to write about shit that I don't think my kids would want to know, like, oh my God, I have a crush on Jeremy and I love him so much and I hope he likes me back.
Like that's literally all I fucking write about. My brain is broken. But anyway, another thing that's going on last night, my friend went on a date and it really got me thinking because I was like, mind you, also, she she was tested in her day, was tested.
And so it was not always good in the covid world. But it was so interesting to me because I was like thinking about going on a first date and it just like blows my mind. I like the courage that it takes to go on a first date. I've never done it. Like, the closest I've been to a first date is, oh, my God, I have a cramp.
I'll fuck. My period's coming for sure. But then again, I RPM's for ten days before my period comes, so I might as well be on my period 20 to 30 days of the month, which is just should be illegal. But whatever the closest thing I ever did to a first date. Was. One time a guy came over by himself. And brought food. Which is kind of a date, but is it it wasn't really it felt like more of a hang out.
But it wasn't like, you know, it just felt like we're hanging out also wasn't like, I don't know. So I don't feel like that was a date because I feel like a date's like going out and doing something, like going to watch a movie like me. And this boy didn't like we didn't even have like a plan necessarily. I think we just wanted to meet each other.
But actually, you know, I consider it a first date. It was really it was terrifying for me. I like honestly. The thing about first dates is that they're they're just inevitably going to be awkward. There's no way around it how how do you not make a first date awkward, how do you shove two people in a room that have never met before? I'm not really a blind date, like a date where you've never met the guy and then you meet for the first time at your first date.
That's what I'm talking about, going on a date with a guy that you're already dating or going on a date with a guy that you've been friends with for years. Completely different. First date, meaning, like, you've never met this dude and you're going on a date as your first time meeting, that's what I'm talking about. I guess I did go on a first date, OK, but it just didn't feel like it.
But it was it's. So how the fuck does anybody expect that not to be awkward? That's almost why sometimes I like meeting guys in group settings, because I'm just like, there's so much less pressure. Whereas when you're one on one, it's like, oh, my God, you have to start a conversation, you have to. Keep the convo going, like when do you end the first day, like, do you make a move on the first day?
Like there's so many questions and my friend last night was so nervous and I was like. I never want to do this like going on a first date sounds so not ideal. I honestly think that the way to do it is to like date your friend, like to meet a guy, become friends with them and then have a crush on him and then date. And I think that's the best way to do it. But at the same time, that doesn't always work.
And that also. Isn't always how the cookie crumbles. I just have, like, this weird obsession with first dates in the psychology of them and like why they're so uncomfortable, I'm trying to kind of crack the code. Hopefully I never have to go on a first date again.
Because I just I don't want it just. No, like, I just I will avoid that at all costs, but. I kind of spent some time last night thinking about it after I dropped Olivia off at her daily trying to debunk, like, the awkwardness and how to, like, make it. More comfortable, and I think the way to do it is to like kinda. Lean into the fact that it's a first date and it's awkward, like I feel like in retrospect, I've never done this before because I've not I've gone on maybe one first date.
So I don't really think I have a lot of experience here. But if I were to have to go on another first date, I feel like what I would do is and this may be corny and you guys can tweet at me and tell me this is fucking corny, but I would be like, OK, listen, like this, there's no like you feel out the first five minutes and if you feel like it's a little bit tense and awkward and like stiff, which normally it is, you just say something like, listen.
Let's just address the elephant in the room. This first dates are fucking weird, like just let's just like. Talk about like just talk about your whole life story, like just be like just give me your entire life story, like give give a really solid conversation starter, like, you know, be like, listen, I don't know how we're supposed to even talk about anything. We know nothing about each other. Just tell me everything about you that you want to tell me about.
Just give me like the give me the fucking spark notes of your whole life right now. Like, I feel like that's a good way to, like, ice break. And then it'll be like they'll go through everything that will start a conversation. And then it's like there'll be so many, many conversations within their story. Then it's your turn and then it happens again. Next thing you know, you guys know a decent amount about each other and then boom, you can move forward and have fun and start talking about other shit.
Watch a movie, who fucking knows? But I think getting like a good understanding. I think the issue with the first date that I went on, I was too scared to ask them about themselves, like I was too scared to be like, OK, so tell me about you. And so then it was just like we didn't have anything to talk about because it was like I didn't know what to say. They probably didn't know what to say.
We were like, fuck, how do we even where do we even start? Like, we know nothing about each other, barely. I mean, I had texted this person for a few weeks, but or like a month. But like, how are we supposed to, like, know where to start? Not to mention, I think both of us are kind of like overthink everything. So it just like a bad combination if you go into it, no matter what type of personality type you have, if you go into it and you're like, fuck it, I'm just going to ask this question that could spiral us down like a deep convo.
Great. I think that that's the move. I don't know, I, I but also, if you give the never judge somebody solely off their first date, I feel like. There's no way that I was my full potential on my first date. And remember that, like when you go on a first date, if you feel like somebody has potential, even if the first date was awkward or uncomfortable, you should ride that wave anyway. Like, I know for a fact that.
The time that I was on a first date, I did an awful job, like I just was fucking had nothing like I just feel like I was so awkward and like I was just like grasping at, like anything to, like, try to figure out how to make it comfortable, because that's always my job. Like, that's always my goal is to make everybody in the room feel comfortable. But on a first date, it's very difficult to do that.
So I was like word vomiting, but then I would say nothing for like two minutes. Also, I remember on my first date with this guy. We were in my home and I had no music playing, and it was just quiet, don't ever do that. Why the fuck did I do that? Am I a psychopath? That isn't cringe, looking back.
Oh, my God. You what was he doing anyway? I mean, it's fine. Ended up being fine. I think that the first date, though, that I had with this guy made it so that like the second and third date, I not even date, but like time I hung out with him.
I like new. I was like, OK, I need to need to clean up my act like we need to have music playing every single time.
So there's no awkward silence, like you never have an awkward silence. Also, I need to have more like conversation topics. Also, I need to be OK with being vulnerable and just getting into my life story, even if they don't do that too. Like there was a lot of things I had to think about. But regardless first dates, they're awful. They but they can turn into something really beautiful. So although I really hope I never have to go on one again.
Mad respect to people who meet people, online dating apps and shit and then go on a date with them and had never met them. I just can't imagine that. But anyway. Let's get into our topic of the day after I go take a pee, hold on. Thank you to believe for sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes South Korean routine are more important than ever, and whatever you're using to get ready for the day should make you feel amazing.
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Big fan over here. All right. Today, we're talking about divorce, my parents got divorced, well, I guess I'll start out with my story. It's very blurry, but. I'll do my best, so I grew up in a house with my mom and dad until I was about. Five, I think I was in kindergarten when they got divorced, maybe first grade, and I remember like a few snippets, but because I was literally five or six, there's not a lot of memories for me, which is.
Probably better, to be honest, like it's I don't really know my life without divorce parents, I don't really remember anything from my parents being married because I was so young.
Which might be good, but might be bad. I don't know, but I was in kindergarten or first grade and I remember. They sat me down in the living room and tried to explain to me what was going on, and I just don't really think I understood. I think they said, like, my mom's going to go live somewhere else. And I was like, OK, like, I don't think I understood the concept of divorce. And I remember going into.
My parents room and seeing my mom bagging up all of her stuff. And I remember feeling like. A lot of it felt kind of chaotic, but yet there was no arguing, there was no fighting or anything, but at least from what I can remember, but it was very bizarre to see my mom packing up. And I don't even remember, like when my mom moved or like anything like that. I just kind of feel like it flashed forward to, like.
Me being at my dad's Monday, it was like Monday through Wednesday and then my mom's Wednesday through Friday and then switching off weekends and like that was it. And my mom moved to a one bedroom apartment in a town about 20 minutes away. And so I had to share a bed with my mom, which I remember I actually kind of loved because I was like, wait, I get to sleep with my mom. Like, this is awesome.
But that was kind of it like I never saw them fight. I didn't even know the divorce was happening or was going to happen, it completely came out of left field for me. I had no fucking idea that it was going to happen. And it just kind of became my life before I even had enough of a brain to know what was going on. And it became a routine before I could even comprehend what was going on. It was very interesting.
Like it's very interesting in retrospect how little I remember of it. The only memory I have of my parents being married, I think is one time.
It is like not one time, but like in general, my dad used to cook dinner and I would sit on my mom's lap in the kitchen. While my dad was cooking dinner and they would talk about their day and I remember that in my memory, maybe once or twice. And that's about it, and that's pretty much the only memory I have of them being married. I've never I never saw them be affectionate with one another. At least in my memory, I think they probably were, but I never witnessed any affection between my parents.
I have zero memory of that which we'll get into later about how that may have affected me.
But it was interesting. I never it's not like I saw them as a loving couple. And then one day it was like it was like, no, I only know them as being friends. But I was really, really fortunate that through the divorce, my parents have remained friends, have continued communicating with one another and have honestly had a really good friendship. My parents have a really great friendship, which is really interesting and kind of confuses a lot of people that see my family situation because they're like, Emma, how do you have divorced parents that are friends?
How the fuck is that possible? It's it is it's very weird and rare, but I'm very grateful for it because I think that although my parents are divorced and there's a lot of unfortunate parts about it. Or there were some unfortunate parts about it and some tough parts. My parents were our friends and so I don't know what a really toxic divorce looks like. And so I'm grateful for that, but I also want that to be understood so that, like, you know.
My situation with my experience with divorce might be better. Like, it's not I feel like I can't complain. Does that make sense? Like, I don't feel like it's fair for me to complain because it was my parents were so mature about it and kept me out of it to a point where, like, I just have never seen them fight before.
Which is unbelievable and honestly, kind of amazing, it's like. I'm grateful that they got divorced because I never had to witness my parents fighting. But there were also some cons to it, too, so we'll get into it, but that was kind of the story.
Oh, my God. Frankie's under my blanket and like fighting with my body, she's like fighting with my foot. She thinks it's an animal, but anyway. Basically, day to day life was, you know, some of the struggles were definitely going back and forth between houses, also figuring out like where I wanted to go to school, whether I wanted to be at school closer to my dad's or my mom's. I went to school closer to my dad's for elementary school and then for middle school and high school.
I was closer to my mom's house and or my mom's apartment and the commute situation from. Whatever home was, forest was definitely tough because. I would have to wake up an hour earlier and like, you know, I had to have double of everything so that I could get ready at both of my parents houses. I had to like lug clothes around in a bag, constantly back and forth, back and forth, lug my shit back and forth, back and forth for ten years, you know what I mean?
And it was inconvenient and it kind of felt like I was never fully settled in one spot. It was like I always knew that I was going to be, you know, moving from one house to the next every few days.
So I never like I always kind of felt like a little bit agile, a little bit on edge because it was like, fuck, I know. I'm just going to be moving in a few days to the other parent's house. It was also hard because during the weekends, I just. You know, it's like deciding like who I wanted to spend time with and then, you know, all my friends were closer to my mom's house, so, like, sometimes I would spend a few extra weekends at my mom's house because my friends were there.
But then I would feel bad because I'd feel like I was neglecting my dad. So there was a lot of moral dilemmas there. And also like my parents having to drive me back and forth from house to house, I feel like I was stressful, too. And it was a little bit messy, but at the same time it was my life and that was like, you know, so whatever it it just became normal to me.
But it wasn't easy. It was kind of uncomfortable. But it also I got used to it and it was fine. But I think that there were times when I envied a child that had one home with two parents under the roof that just could like they always felt like they had a solid one home that they could go home to.
And that was that and a story. And it wasn't like they had to be lugging shit around every week and whatever. I was jealous of that stability in a way. But at the same time. It didn't kill me like it was fucking fine, just was kind of a bummer. But there's a lot of things that are positive about it, and I want to get into that, number one. The relationships that I developed with both parents individually because I was spending so much one on one time with each every week, was something that I would have never had otherwise.
The fact that when I was with one parent, I was with only them, it was. Extremely important for my relationships with my parents, I'm also an only child, so it was literally me and my one parent hanging out whenever I was at their house. And I think that we just bonded in a way that was really unique and rare. And I am super grateful for that because now my parents are. I'm so close to both of my parents and.
I feel like they're kind of my best friends in a way, as well as my parents, but they're so like my best friends and I don't think that that would have happened otherwise. I think that the fact that. We were forced to be one on one half the week, it just was like very special and that was something that I'm really grateful for.
I think that the communication that I had between each parent and the kind of like attention that I got from each parent individually. Was really, really helpful. I really I really think that. Also never seeing them fight again. That was really special. I mean, the fact that I never had to see them fight, I think was partially confusing for me because I'm like, you guys never fought. So why are you divorced? That was kind of confusing to me because I was like, you guys relationship seemed fine, like, why did you get divorced?
But. But not seeing them fight, I think I missed out like I got to dodge a bullet of some trauma that could have formed their.
Also getting to, like, leave one parent and spend time with the other and like if I was kind of butting heads with my mom, I could go to my dad's or if I was kind of butting heads with my dad, I could go to my mom's. And it was kind of nice to have an escape. And I think that distance makes the love grow fonder. And I think that that was really helpful for our relationships as well. If we needed an escape from one another, we could have that.
I could go escape one parent and go be with the other. And not that there was anything like not that my parents were doing anything that would make me need to escape.
But sometimes you just butt heads with a parent. I've had phases where I was butting heads with my mom more or phases, whereas butting heads with my dad more.
And it was just nice to be able to go to another parent's house and just kind of like. Think about it and be like, why am I butting heads with my dad, you know? Why am I resenting my dad, like whatever, and then, like, figure it out and then go back to him later and feel like I had gathered my thoughts at my mom's house without him around, and I got to have that escape. And I think that that was really nice, too.
As for Conn's. I already discussed going between houses, that was kind of tough. I also kind of already discussed jealousy of other families, but I'll kind of dig into it.
I think it was really hard for me growing up to see all of my friends have just like a happy, normal, married family.
I don't think any of my friends growing up had divorced parents.
I think I had one. Throughout my whole middle school, elementary school, high school. I maybe had to max out of, like maybe 40 friends I had over the course of that time, I think I remember two of them having divorced parents, it wasn't the most common thing. And.
And that was tough for me because I kind of felt like the black sheep, you know what I mean? I was like I felt different because I was like my family situation is very different. And everybody else, you know, they would go home to their parents and they had cute house with, you know, whatever. And their parents, like, put their wealth together so they were able to buy nicer things. In my eyes. That's I mean, don't even get me started on that.
Go to my Money Illusion podcast episode if you want to hear. Me talk more about jealousy of money, but I think that I was jealous of families that had like dual incomes because I was like, wow, they can go on school trips more often with the whole family, blah, blah, blah.
And it was also tough. I just thought about this now is kind of off topic, but I'm an only child and I had to deal with all of this by myself. It was very I spent a lot of time in my own mind. Because.
I didn't have this, like, rustling, bustling family where it was like, oh, siblings or like a bunch of like, you know, both of my parents in the house, like cooking dinner and having conversations, like there's a lot of silence when you are gone.
When you live with just one parent at a time and you're an only child, it's there's a lot of silence. And so I I think that the reason why I've I am the person that I am today is because I had to get really comfortable with myself, because I had to spend a lot of time by myself because.
It was just me and my one parent, and so like I had a lot of alone time, if that makes sense.
I felt like my home environment was so. Almost uneventful in comparison to my friends, because they had both of their parents in the house and siblings and all that, and it was weird because I was like, when I'm at home, it's like. So different in half the time, my parents were like working, both of my parents worked a lot. And so although I got to spend time with them, like their jobs weren't too demanding to a point where I couldn't spend time with them.
I still, like, had a lot of moments where I'd come home from school and my mom wouldn't be home for another five hours, you know what I mean?
And so I had a lot of alone time and. I do think it was really good and I think that it actually it has benefited me long term, but in the moment I was bummed out because I was like, fuck, like, I don't have this, like, fun, rustling, bustling, home to come home to. And that was hard. And it was always just me comparing. My family's situation to everybody else's, which in retrospect, I realize now I'm so lucky I never had to see my parents fight.
I got to have close relationships with both of my parents. I got to grow trust between both of my parents, which made me had to have a lot of freedom at a young age. Also, like I didn't have to experience my parents getting divorced as an adult or as, you know, an older person when you. Like when you're actually conscious of what's going on, like I didn't have to experience that, there's so many pros to my life situation, but it was hard for me not to fixate on everybody else's life and compare and wish that I had theirs.
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The holidays were kind of tough, too, because it was like, you know, going to my I would sleep at my dad's and then hang out my dad's family. Then I'd go to my mom's. And it was like trying to figure out how to make the whole Christmas situation fair.
Thanksgiving situation there, Eastern Situation Fair. It was like. Morally challenging for me, because I was like, fuck, like whose parent I'm like, how am I supposed to make this feel? Even like if it's Christmas Eve and I'm sleeping on my dad's house, is my mom going to be lonely by herself? And all of this, like, moral dilemma and a lot of guilt. A lot a lot of guilt. Throughout my childhood, I felt guilt about neglecting one parent, I was like, if I get my one parent a Christmas gift, I need to make sure that the other parents Christmas gift is just as good so that you know.
And but I was never perfect. It was like I always felt like I was neglecting one parent. If it wasn't one, it was the other. And I felt this constant guilt and they didn't even you know, they never made me feel that way. But I think that. I just felt that way. I think I just felt like I weirdly had a broken family and I was just like felt like it was like. It just felt like.
I felt bad for myself in a way, but. In retrospect, I don't think I needed to because I had a really great childhood and there's just no reason for that. The hardest part about it, though, was when my parents started dating. This was not OK with me. And this actually is the route for me of a lot of my issues. I would say out of the whole divorce, the biggest. Say, like long lasting trauma I took from it was seeing my parents going and dating other people.
And both of my parents started dating people at around the same time, both of my parents have only had one significant other. My dad's currently single, he's not with the person that he was with. Before, but my mom has been dating the same guy for like seven years now, like they've been together forever with my mom, it wasn't as tough. I definitely it made me angry, I think, a lot because my parents.
It made me I was more hurt by my dad dating than my mom, and I don't know why that is. I don't know what was, like, more upsetting about my dad dating than my mom. But I think it's because I had a very weird.
Attachment to my dad. That, like, I can never explain. But seeing him dating was like the most painful thing I've experienced in my life thus far. It was so incredibly hard for me. I was kind of a bitch growing up, I mean, I was also in my defense, I was between ages like eight and, you know, 15. Right. But I was not nice to my parents, significant others, I would go through phases, I'd have nice moments, but I'd also have mean moments.
I would get I would resent my parents when they would leave me to go on a date with their significant other or if they would invite their significant, significant other over. I'd feel really uncomfortable when their significant other was over, not because their significant other was even a bad person necessarily, but just because I felt uncomfortable seeing my parents with somebody that wasn't my other parent.
And I think that the fact that I was I'm so close with both of my parents made it even harder because it was just so weird to me and it made me feel dirty inside. It made me feel sick inside. I just remember feeling this constant, like feeling of just darkness in my stomach, just having to see them move on from the other parent. It was one of the worst things that I've ever experienced. But also, you know, it hurt me that they were sharing their time with somebody that like I was like, I'm your guys, kid, and you guys are trying are using my time of the week.
To spend time with your significant other when I'm here, I was like, I only see you half the week. I want this time to be one on one, I don't want you to be bringing in your fucking significant other, which, you know, I think that there's arguments to both sides that it's like, OK, well, yeah, but like, if they're dating, like now that I like him dating as an adult, like, I want to see my boyfriend every day.
Period. So I understand the want to be with your significant other every day, but I was like, but at the same time they had a child and it was me. And I was like, no, like, I want my time with you guys to be one on one. I don't want you to be bringing your significant other over for dinner. Like, I want to have dinner with you. I want to be able to talk to you about my day.
I felt like when my parents started dating, I almost lost my closeness with them for a period of time because. I was now splitting my already half the week with another person, and that really, really hurt me and my parents were just doing the best that they could.
They did nothing wrong. I mean, they may have fucked up a little bit here and there, but like as normal, they never did anything severely wrong at all. Totally were just trying to figure it out. But I had a lot of resentment towards my parents because of them, you know, starting to I felt like I was being forgotten for their new significant others when in reality it was like I just was so used to having 100 percent of the attention.
And the second that it was like 50 50 with a significant other, I felt really shitty about it.
Eventually, you know, with my mom, it was a lot easier. I think she kind of like figure that out that it was not working to have her boyfriend around. And so she kind of was like, OK, we're going to keep this separate. My dad, it lasted for a little bit longer where his significant other was more involved in the day to day life of things. And it was honestly, in retrospect, it's one of the most miserable times of my life.
And having to share my dad with somebody when I was living with him was easily the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with in my life.
I felt my relationship with him was suffering because of it. I felt like I wasn't as close to him.
And honestly, a lot of resentment grew towards him and I didn't know how to communicate that, but.
I think eventually we both figured out, like what the issue was and and why it was an issue and we were totally eventually able to solve it.
And it was just but it was like and I but I was mad at my parents for years to follow because I was like, guys like, why did you start dating and why did you make me. Why did you bring me into it? And why did I have to see it in, like, all this shit?
But then I realized as I got older, like. My parents are human. If I was them in that situation, I would have done the exact same thing. It's a really hard thing to balance your child and your dating life as a divorced parent, I can't even imagine how difficult that would be. I've completely forgiven my parents for that. But there was a lot of resentment there for quite a few years about just like me having to see. I was just angry that I had to see it because just seeing it made me feel so terrible that I resented them for making me see it.
And I feel like now that I moved out, I'm totally fine with it because I'm like, you guys can. I mean, I don't want to know really about it.
Even still, I would prefer not to know about it. My mom is fine. But still to this day, I really struggle with my dad dating people. I don't know what it is, but it makes me genuinely angry. I'm very protective of him for some weird reason. And I don't know, like. What it is, but like him, dating people is really hard for me, whereas my mom, I'm more like kind of feeling my mom and I are best now.
We're we're like, girl, are you going on a date next week? Like, we're both kind of like that with each other. But with my dad, I'm like, no, fuck that. No woman is ever allowed to talk to you again, which is very selfish. But I don't know why I feel like that. I just do. I think I'm scared of. Him dating, again, in a way, because of how our relationship suffered a little bit from it.
Whereas with my mom, I feel like I bounce back a lot easier, but. Either way, as long as my dad is happy, I'm happy I don't live at home anymore, I don't have to see this shit if I don't want to. I think if I ever were to get a divorce, I wouldn't. Share my dating life with my kid in any way until. They were out of the house and in college. That's just how I would handle it personally, because I think that it was really hard for me and it was the hardest phase of my life thus far.
And it was like when I first felt depressed, like it was like really like, you know, it was one of the darkest times in my life thus far. And I just feel like if I ever had a kid, I would not want them to have to see me dating. And I would just want my kid to it's like, OK, you have fuckin. Eight years until your kids out of the house. I think that you can wait.
To date in front of your kid, you can still date, it's like when your kids that there are other parents house, then you go on dates and shit, you don't need to combine it. But I think that my parents didn't know how are they supposed to know they were trial and error thing.
And so, you know, that was that. But it was really, really hard.
It was really hard for me. I also think the other reason why I was hard was because I was an only child and because it was like if I was at my dad's house or if I was at my mom's house and their significant other was over, I was inevitably third wheeling and that was my time to spend with each individual parent. So it was really hard for me and I didn't have a sibling to go like play fucking Club Penguin with in my room, like I was by myself with my parents and their significant other.
It was a nightmare. It was awful.
It was my least favorite it's my least favorite part of my childhood easily. And I mean, if that's the least favorite part of my childhood, I'm grateful for that. It was it taught me a lot. It made me appreciate my one on one time with my parents even more. Once we kind of figured out a system and figured out that, like them bringing in their dating life to my life was not OK and not working. I think because I'm an only child, I think it would have been different if I had siblings truly.
I really do because I was just alone in it and I was just third wheeling and it just sucked ass, especially when I was so used to having like a one on one relationship with my parents before they started dating. It was just like definitely something we had to work through.
Now, I think my parents, my relationship with my parents is, you know, is better than ever because we've been through all of those hardships and we've come out the other side and we've adjusted for one another and we've grown together. I mean, my parents were put into a very vulnerable situation by becoming divorced. And I think that they've had to grow a lot from the experience I've had to grow with them. And I think that that actually has given me, you know, a level of insight.
About adulthood from a young age that I wouldn't have seen otherwise, I had to see my parents in vulnerable situations. I saw my parents make mistakes. I saw my parents try to mend those mistakes. I saw my parents have to. Be friendly with one another, even though, you know, that maybe wasn't even necessarily always the easiest thing, they made it seem easy, but whatever.
I had a really good role models and my parents were really good role models, the way that they handled everything, even if they made mistakes, which of course, they made mistakes, they always figured out how to make it better. And they always would apologize to me. They would. You know, it was an open it was like a human to human thing. I never felt like I was smaller than them. It always felt like they would admit if they did something wrong, they would admit, like, you know what?
Like I should have had like we should have had one on one time this week, like they would apologize to me.
They would like. And that's why we all grew from it. And that's why I think that we all are better people now from all of it, because we we all grew from it, both me and my parents. And I think that that's a beautiful thing, despite the pain that there was for periods of time during it. Anyway, let's get into some questions, I literally loved talking about this so much, I feel like I really hope that this could help somebody or even whatever.
I just like it feels good to talk about this.
Somebody said, did you ever feel like their divorce was your fault? No, for some reason, no, I didn't. And I think it was because I was so young.
That I didn't even like, I could never comprehend it being my fault, because it's always been my whole life and there was never a situation where there I ever saw them fight over me. So because of that, no, I never felt like it was my fault, which I'm very grateful for, but if you. Have divorced parents, and you feel like it was your fault. Let me tell you this, your parents brought you into this world.
They made that decision. So even if they're fighting over you, even if you know, whatever, I don't care, it's not your fault and do whatever you can to get that through your head because your parents made the decision to bring you into this world. And if they start fighting about you, that's their fault, they brought you into this world. They decided to have a child together, and if they're fighting about you or whatever, that is their fault because they're the reason that you're on this planet, you didn't fucking choose it.
Also remember that, like people arguing usually has more to do with them than even what they're arguing about. I don't argue with people very often unless I'm in a bad spot if I'm insecure or. I've been bottling up my feelings, that's when I cause arguments. If I have all of that in check, I'm having respectful conversations, not arguments. Never feel like it's your fault. Somebody said, do you ever imagine them getting back together, I don't like if it if I don't want it to happen, like I, I don't think that that would be good.
I like them as divorce. I've only known them as divorce. I don't see them getting back together and I don't want them to get back together. They are amazing parents. They're extremely compatible as parents, like, unbelievably compatible. But as for a relationship, I don't think that they work well together, I don't think that their personalities mesh and I don't think that they need the same things out of a relationship. My dad is an artist. He likes having his freedom.
He likes doing his own thing. My mom is like more of a homebody.
She likes somebody that, you know, likes to just watch fun shows and movies with her when she's done with her work. They don't have the same interests, you know what I mean? They don't have the same. Day to day kind of routine, the same things don't necessarily excite them. The only thing that they really have in common is me. And and that is great because they're amazing at that. And, you know, we have fun conversations.
I think my parents and I all like have similar views on the world and stuff so we can have amazing conversations with the three of us about that shit. But I think on a day to day basis, they aren't compatible. And so. Yeah. I don't see them getting back together. Are you happy, somebody asked, are you happy that they split up? Yes, I kind of already said that, but I just wanted to make it clear.
Why are you scratching on the door? Stop, stop. Somebody said, my parents divorced when I was seven, and sometimes I go into a spiral and think of how different life would have been if they never did, does that ever happen to you?
You know, weirdly, no, I feel like because I was so young and it's so like all I ever know, that I can't even comprehend them being married.
So I don't really spiral about it too often or at all, but. I also feel like because it's out of my control, I try my best not to think about what could have been because it yes, it could have been, but it didn't.
So what's the point of, you know. I just can't even comprehend what it would have been like, so I think my imagination can't even go there. But I think that, you know. Remembering to stay present and not to dwell on what could have been is one of the most important things that you can do in your life and focusing on now and focusing on what's going on right in front of you, I think is the most important thing that you can do for yourself and your mental health.
And so try your best not to think about that because there's nothing that you can gain from it. There's nothing positive that can come from it. It's not constructive. And in it's out of your control. Somebody said, how do you feel like your divorce has affected you and your relationships? OK, this is a kicker, I'm like sitting up for this one. It's definitely affected me a lot for a lot of reasons, I think. No one I date with the with the hope of dating long term, for one, I crave long term relationships, not short term.
So like, if anything I feel like is going to be short term, I'm out immediately. I just don't even want to do it. And I think that that's because I crave the stability of a long term relationship, because I feel like I didn't have that growing up.
So I want that in my life.
I like the idea of having stability or whatever in a relationship and having it be long term. I also think that I. I love whenever I'm dating a guy, I love them. I'm very all in because. And even if I don't show it necessarily. I'm very all in because I want to make it work as well as I fucking can and not be a quitter because.
Like, I will do anything in my power to keep a relationship going, even if it's not good, because I don't want.
To fail and I don't want. Like every time a relationship fails for me. It further proves in my mind that, like marriage in love is like impossible because I think that my parents getting divorced and me never seeing my parents in love made me kind of believe in a way growing up that, like, love wasn't even real and that like.
I had never seen it before. There was no like example for me, so I just had a hard time understanding how it was possible to love somebody forever because I'd never seen it. So every time I date a guy and it doesn't work out, I think it hits me a lot harder because it just. It further proves to me that. Love doesn't exist, but at the same time, that's not the right way to look at it, like you're going to date so many guys before you find the guy that you're going to date.
That's what I tell myself. You're going to date so many guys before you find the guy that you either date for a really long time or you marry or who becomes your lifelong partner, like there's going to be so many fuckin hits and misses. Like it's unreal how many there's going to be. And just just because one doesn't work out when you're fucking 17 doesn't mean that you're never going to find somebody like you shouldn't marry the person that you meet at 17.
Most likely. That's probably not a good idea. It totally could be in some situations, but it's usually not. And so but I feel like I. Always put a lot more pressure on myself to, like, make the relationship last as long as possible, and I also feel like I'm always thinking about marriage. Whenever I'm in a relationship with a guy, I'm always like, what? I marry this guy. What I marry this guy? What I marry this guy.
I ask myself that every day. It's so fucking bizarre.
And because I'm like, I'm 19, you're 19. Why are you, like, dating this guy and asking yourself if you'd marry them every day? But that's kind of the way that I gauge whether or not I should be with somebody, because if I wouldn't marry them, then I don't want to waste my time because my end goal is to have is to have a successful marriage one day because I want to experience that in my life.
I didn't experience it from my parents. I didn't see that with my parents. So I want to experience it myself. And I'm constantly afraid that, like, I'll never find it, and so I think that I, like, am super over. I'm so overly analytical of who I'm dating in a way, because I'm like, are they like a good match for me? Would they be a good dad? Could I picture myself being 85 with this guy?
And if the answer is yes in that moment, then I'm in. But that's why I think I maybe haven't been in that many relationships or I haven't been with very many guys because I'm like, well, most of them know. And then if the answer is sometimes the answer is no, I wouldn't be with them long term. But it's like fun for now. But then I do that, then I'm like, well, I'm wasting my time because I could be finding the person that I could be spending my life with.
I date with the intention of spending my life with said guy, which I think kind of hinders me from having fun and like going out and like talking to dudes that I will never talk to again. Like there's something fun and romanticized about that. And I think I missed out on that because my goal has always been for like long term. But at the same time, that's the way that my brain works. So who cares? I also feel like my self-esteem was affected by my parents divorce and I don't know why that is.
I'm still I honestly should probably see a therapist about it. And my parents did try to put me in therapy when I was like ten for their divorce, but it didn't work because I refused to talk to some random lady. For an hour about my parents divorce Sarino. Now I'm open to it, but like back then, it was a no from me, but I think my self-esteem got affected by it somehow and I think my self-esteem might have been affected by it in a way where when my parents started dating and I wasn't like I was still the number one priority, but I didn't feel like it.
I felt like I was like, you know, now being like he was like. My parents were also prioritizing their significant other and me and I was like you, and I think something about that fucked up my self-esteem, just like me.
I believed, like, oh, well, I'm their child's on their number one priority and then feeling like I was sharing that with my parents.
Significant other. That hurt me self-esteem wise, because I was like, holy shit on their kid, I should be there. No one, no one. And like, I have to split their mind, like, I have to split their attention with somebody else. When I'm already like, you know, I just like something about it, fucked up my self-esteem and makes me kind of like. Feel a little bit replaceable, which is not a rational feeling, like my parents did not they still prioritized me, they still took care of me, they still spent time with me.
But when they started dating, it made me feel like I was being replaced by their significant other for some weird reason. And I don't know what the psychology is behind that.
But because it wasn't like I really needed to feel that way, but that's the way that my brain processed the situation. Whether that's fair to my parents or not, but that really affected my self-esteem and now I think in relationships I tend to feel like I'm never enough because. I feel like my parents chose me for another significant other. Even though that wasn't necessarily true, but that's the way that it made me feel and it just affected my self-esteem and that's so confusing for me to explain because I don't even fully understand it.
But yeah. Somebody said, my mom is moving to Rhode Island to take care of her mom and my dad is staying in Florida. How do I choose who to go to if I'm very close to both?
If you're very close to both, I think you choose who where it's more convenient for you to live and where you're going to be happier, where your friends where are your hobbies?
I would say go there. Or if you want to experience, you know, living in a new place, go to Rhode Island with your mom. Don't choose based on which parent you want to spend more time with. Choose based on where you'd rather live strictly and make that clear to them. Be like, I want to move to Rhode Island or I want to move to Florida because. All my friends are in Florida or I want to, you know, experience something new in Rhode Island and explain that to them and also make an effort to call the other parent a lot and check in with the other parent so that they know that, you know, just remind them that you care and all that.
You'll be fine. Your parents will be fine. They're putting you in an uncomfortable situation where you have to make this decision so they cannot be hard on you about what decision that you do end up making and just make it clear that it's not personal, that it's like, you know, you love both parents equally. It's just that like this is what makes. Since. For you and your happiness, there was actually a period of time where I ended up living with my mom towards the end of my high school career, I ended up moving in with my mom full time because.
I was in high school, I was taking all these hard classes, and I did not have the energy literally to be going. Thirty minutes away to my dad's house. From school every day, like it was like it, my school was 10 minutes away from my mom's house and 30 minutes away from my dad's house, it just got to a point. Where was the commute from? My dad's house was just too much. So I ended up moving in with my mom pretty much full time, and my dad was cool with it and we still would spend time together.
But it was like I just I needed it wasn't that I didn't want to spend time with my dad. It was that it was literally like really difficult for me to be commuting from my dad's. And he totally understood. And so I think just communicating and explaining that it's not about. Them and it's about, you know, you doing what's best for you and your life and the structure of your life. Somebody said, do you actually get double the amount of Christmas presents and birthday presents?
You know, what I realized from my parents getting divorced was that I don't think dad's. I think we need to give our moms full credit for all holiday gifting my dad, it was actually so sweet, my dad would really try to do the whole, you know, Christmas thing. But it was so funny how different the gifts were at my mom's. And my dad's like my dad's house was like shampoo and conditioner and like a hairbrush and like a toothbrush and like just basically essentials for living at his house and or like badminton rackets or like it was all like such dad shit.
Right. And then at my mom's house, it was like, you know, clothes or like, you know, fun makeup products like that type of shit. And it was so funny and kind of charming to see, like, you know, the difference. So, I mean, maybe I got double the amount of gifts, but also not really because I feel like.
Not really. My mom would definitely go out for a birthday and Christmas and my dad would be like, I, I don't think that gift giving is my dad's love language, which is totally fine because it's not mine either. So I didn't really care. But I don't think I got double the gifts because I think my dad is more about quality time like he would during the holidays or during birthdays. He would be the one that would like. Really want to get the vibes up, like we would decorate the house together or go and get like, you know, dinner at our favorite burrito place for my birthday, whereas my mom would totally go in on the gifts and like, that was her thing and she killed it every year.
And so I got different things from both parents. I would not say I got double the gifts, though.
Somebody said, do you ever feel resentment towards one of your parents because the other one constantly talks shit about them? This happens to me a lot. Not really. And I've been really lucky that my parents have kept it really civil and not talked shit about the other parent to me. I mean, we've talked about, you know, I vented about different, you know, different traits of one parent to the other parent, but it's never been like in a way that wasn't constructive, constructive.
I feel like it's always been constructive and very mature on their end.
But I would say some advice for you is to tell your parent like, hey, I really don't think it's healthy, like I have to be around both of you. And so if you're talking shit about my dad or if you're talking shit about my mom, like, I can't it's hard for me to be around them afterwards. So, like, let's not talk about it anymore. Like, it makes it way too difficult for me. Like, I can't I can't manage that situation mentally, so, you know.
Just kind of kindly asking for those conversations to stop, I think would be the best option. And even if it's hard, because even if you feed into it and even if you agree with whatever parent like, it's really better to just try to.
B. In as good of a spot as you can with both parents. Somebody said, would you ever consider divorcing if you were to have kids in the future and the relationship didn't work out anymore?
Yes, I do not think that, like, because my parents got divorced and it was like kind of painful that I would never get divorced if I got married. And at a certain point, we weren't happy. It's in the whole family's best interest for me and my husband to get divorced, a thousand percent, I'm not opposed to it. I would avoid it at all costs.
And I think that, you know, I'm going to I'm really I think that my, like, criteria for marriage. Is. Pretty fuckin strict. Like, my criteria is as follows. Little to no arguing with my significant other. Now, because if you are arguing now when you're like a teenager in your early to mid 20s, if you're arguing in that relationship, good luck.
Obviously, there's going to be little bumps in the road here and there, but like if you're fully having, like, screaming arguments at all, the second I have a screaming argument with somebody, I'm breaking up with them because I know it's not necessary. I know it isn't you do not need to have a screaming argument, and I don't want that in a marriage, I want to have civil, respectful, understanding, egoless conversations with my significant other.
And I know that that's possible. And I don't think that there needs to be. Any type of screaming or yelling or anything, and if that's happening at this age, it's only going to get worse. So for me, dating somebody that's argumentative with me is a no. Like, I can't do it. And I definitely would marry a guy like that. But that's not to say that there won't be, you know, some moments where it's like, you know, where there's communication or where there's confrontation.
Absolutely. That's so fucking important. But it does not need to be at an elevated tone, period. And if that's happening in the relationship, it's never going to be coming from me and it's going to be coming from the other person. And I don't want to have anything to do with it. I refuse to communicate like that. Another thing is, I think honestly, having a lot in common. Whether it's like music or things that you like to do on your day off or traveling like whatever, like I don't want to date a guy that.
Like, constantly like that, we were we have nothing in common and we don't like to do things together, I like to be able to do things together with a guy. And that's really important to me, like if they like to in even if they just like to eat the same type of food as me, it's like that simple. But or if they like to go shopping, like whatever, or if they like interior design, they like to go to a fucking furniture store with you and look at furniture like anything, or if they bought if they like traveling to the same types of places.
That's super important. And that's a huge yes for me. And it's like all the cards need to be in line and there needs to be absolutely no red flags or else I will be out immediately because even though I will fight to the death to make a relationship last, if I have a few red flags, I'm out like like I'll fight through a few red flags, but then. After a handful, it's over, but then at the same time.
I'll fight through red flags, but until it's like, OK, I'll wait. This is not this is like not something that they're going to work through, like this is permanent. This is who they are. I can't do this. But I think the most ideal situation is to date somebody with no red flags. That's that's on some WiFi shit. That's when you're like, OK, I'm ready because, I mean, you think that you can be in a relationship.
I've never I've only once been in a relationship in my life where there's been no red flags. It is hard to come by. And I think people settle for red flags like it's fine because this is like what you know, this is normal, like what I have to like, you know, I have to love them for them, blah, blah, blah. No, you can find somebody with no red flags. I've done it and it's unreal.
How the fuck is that possible? Isn't that crazy?
And it doesn't even necessarily mean that, like, you know, you never know. You might find somebody and have no red flags. And like, you know, they might end up they might be perfect for you. They could still break up with you down the line. You'll still find somebody else with no red flags. It's really hard to do, but you can fucking do it, because if I can do it, you can anyway.
Not that that even means that there won't be red flags down the line like a red flag could pop up two years into the relationship. But what I'm saying is. Never settle for red flags, always be seeking a relationship with no red flags. And red flags do not mean. No issues at all. You could be like, hey, I really feel like, you know, we haven't spent a lot of time together this week, like I miss you, like that's not the red flag.
A red flag is like, OK, I feel like they're cheating on me.
Like, they haven't talked to me for a week, you know what I mean? OK, anyway. Somebody said, is it just me or does anyone else feel awkward telling your parent you're going to see the other one? I feel the need to lie. Do not lie. OK, your parents fucking put you on to this planet. They made the decision to have a child and they share you 50/50. You are 50 percent one parent and 50 percent the other.
Do not be apologetic about wanting to spend time with one of your parents. Ever, never, never. You do not need to lie about that. And if they get jealous and weird, that is fucking their problem. And they need to grow up because they you are their child and that is their responsibility, period. Somebody said, do you think it always happens, like if you get married, that you'll eventually get divorced inevitably, or do you believe in long lasting marriage?
I think that long lasting marriage is possible.
I think that there's always going to be bumps in the road. I think it's never going to be fully smooth sailing. I think expecting that is impossible. But I think that if you find the right partner that has no red flags and that's completely compatible with you and you're not settling and you're not rushing anything, and it's something that I do believe in it. I do think it's a lot more rare than we want to admit to ourselves. I think that.
I never realized how easy it was to settle until I got into a relationship that was actually really good and there was no red flags and I was not settling and I admired the person and.
I like. Genuinely love them, like with every bone in my body was not like, oh, I love them, but also like fuck this, this and that about them, like it was it's like, no, like I am here for all of it and I'm not settling. I'm not like trying to make something work that's not working, like it just works when it works. And I think but a lot of the relationships I've been in prior, I was like fighting to make something work that was not working by any means.
And like, I can only imagine how many people have, like, married somebody like that have married somebody where they were like like this where they didn't even realize that they're settling. I think that's what leads to divorce is when you actually are settling. But you didn't even realize that you are. Because it's really easy to kind of push that to the back of your head, I think that that's but I think majority of people settle. And I didn't realize that until I wasn't settling anymore and I refused to do that anymore, but it's a hard thing to do because there's so many people on this planet, the likelihood of finding one.
That sucks for you is a lot more likely, it's hard to find somebody that really, really works for you. It's completely possible for every single person on this planet more than possible. But it's not always going to be easy and it might take a lot of time, and but I think that if you find that person that is like almost your twin, but also like the like, perfect balance of like being really similar to you, but also having elements of themselves that you don't have and so that they can teach you and also like somebody that you admire and somebody that respects you and genuinely just like loves you.
I think it's really hard these days to find somebody that really just like loves you for you and like is not wishy washy and isn't just going to pick up and leave the next day. It's hard to find that shit. But when you find that, I think that that's the stuff that lasts forever, you know. Somebody said, which parents house do you like better? Honestly, I feel like my mom's house was nice because all my friends were nearby and like my mom and I would do fun stuff like go shopping and blah, blah, blah.
But I like being at my dad's house because I like being at my dad's house because it was kind of like a vacation house in a way, because it was removed from my it was like 30 minutes away from my school. I was in a new town and like, you know, my dad is a very creative house with, like, drum set and paints and canvases everywhere.
So it was kind of like I was in another world. So I would say I like both equally.
I think I ended up there, guys, I've been talking for far too long, but I really enjoyed talking about this and I hope that if you guys are. Either afraid of divorce. In your own family or you're afraid of divorce, you're afraid to get married because you're afraid of divorce. There's so many, you know, ways that people think about this and people fear it and stuff, there's nothing to fear in it. I think that it usually happens for a reason.
And I know with my family, it definitely did. And I'm I don't have any regrets or anything like that.
And I think, you know, it can be really shitty and really painful. But I think that what you learn from any struggle in life is a beautiful thing. What doesn't kill you makes you makes you stronger.
And if you want to tweet me more topics like this, you want me to talk about the Twitters at Ajai podcast, leave us a little review on our podcast, a little five star As-Is, if you like it.
I appreciate you guys coming back every week and listening to me. And I love hanging out with you guys and talking to you guys. It's like my free therapy session. I still don't have a therapist officially. I talked to one every like few months when I am so depressed that I'm in a dangerous spot, but. You guys are kind of my daily therapist, so I appreciate you guys a lot. I love you all a lot.
Have an amazing week and I will see you next Thursday or whenever you listen again. Bye, everybody. Love you guys. Well, for headcase.