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Welcome back to Anything Goes. It's me. Am I your host.


I just had a sip of sparkling water with apple cider vinegar in it. Because it's 6:00 p.m. on a 7:00 p.m. and I can't have coffee anymore because, well, here's why I refused to drink coffee after 4:00 p.m. Now, my friends and I would literally go and get coffee at seven p.m. a year ago.


And my sleep schedule was traumatic. It was terrible.


So ever since I fixed my honestly again, I've talked about this before. The one good thing the quarantine has done for me, fix my sleep schedule, which is so weird because I feel like it should have been the opposite, but I really be going to bed at ten thirty and that is never happened in my whole life.


But now I have like this genuine fear of fucking on my sleep schedule again, like I'm genuinely terrified that I will fuck it up. So no coffee pass for no waking up later than nine. Those are just the rules and. It's been working really well for me. I don't know what. Like, got me into this routine, but now I can't imagine going to bed later than 10, 30, like I'm addicted to going to bed at 10, 30 and waking up at like seven thirty eight.


It's the best shit I've ever done for my life, which might seem dramatic, but I really think it changed my life. Am I still a little bit depressed? Yes, but if I was waking up later, I think it would be worse.


So I think that it's been very helpful. It's really nice to wake up and just have the peaceful morning to myself. I don't know.


I don't know why I didn't ever do it earlier, but I also think that it might have been my hormones as a teen, like every teenager I know cannot wake up.


Comfortably. Before 10:00, and I think that you grow out of it because I like think I literally grew out of it this year, like I think I must have hit some sort of puberty of some sort that made me able to wake up early and go to bed early, I think, because I used to try.


When I was younger, like in my early to mid to slightly late teen years, I used to try to fix my sleep schedule. It wasn't possible. And nobody that I knew, none of my friends could figure it out either. But now that I'm older, I feel like I'm able to do it when before, like nothing could fix my sleep schedule. So I don't know. Be patient if you're in your if you're in between, like. 12 and 17, just be patient.


I think your sleep schedule will get better with age. Why, OK, Frankie is yelling at me through the door, I'm going to open what's going to happen and open the door and be like, come on in, Frankie, if you want to hang out, if you're whining at me, you're going to you don't you want to hang out? I'm gonna open the door. She's not going to come in. I'm gonna close it. And then she's going to keep whining.


Let's see what happens. OK, update, I am an asshole because she did come in and now she's sitting on my lap. So sorry, Frankie, for that.


Anyway. The next thing I want to talk about, I don't even know what I just talked about, but I need to have a hard time with you guys and I know. I know. And you just have a hard time. It's every week, correct? That is correct. But really, like. I think we need to have another one because.


It's really what's on my mind, like I have I have so many things on my mind, like so many specific things on my mind that are troubling me in a sense, and they're getting in the way of me being able to like I feel bad, like talking about shit that's bothering me because I'm like, fuck, I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. I said this last episode, I'm pretty sure, but like, fuck it, OK?


These are the things that are on my mind and I'm just going to be unapologetic about it.


The first issue that I've been having recently, and I don't know if it's the quarantine effects or like what I cannot. Cannot. Be around people anymore or speak to people at all, not on the phone, not over text, and definitely not in person.


I have literally lost I had a feeling that this would happen because I remember when this first started, I was like, are we all going to, like, lose our social skills?


Well, I think I did. I literally think I did I think I've lost part of my social savageness, I used to be so outgoing, very extroverted, I always wanted to go like if there was a party, I was there, if there was whatever. And throughout this quarantine, it's completely drifted away and went away.


I literally cannot speak to anybody. And this is like there's more to it. Like when I do speak to people, I get awful anxiety. And I used to never get anxiety from hanging out with people. I could hang out with anyone, a fucking stranger off the street and be fine and have fun with it and enjoy it. I literally there are. Maybe for people that I can tolerate talking to right now and I cannot talk to anybody else and I feel bad about it, OK, maybe five or six total in my whole life.


That I can talk to comfortably and not be anxious about it or uncomfortable, it's really weird because I've never in my life, I haven't felt like this in many years because I feel like I really came out of my shell when I moved to L.A. like a few years into living here.


I really came out of my shell. I just crawled right on back in. And I'm in a different way, though, because I think before I wanted to be social, but I was timid and not confident.


Now I feel more confident, but I just really, really don't want to speak to anybody.


Like, I can't respond to texts. People text me, they're like, how are you doing? I can't respond. I don't know why. I do not know why. I think it's because I have nothing to say. Maybe. I'm like, I'm doing good, like I'm doing the fucking same I was four months ago. Why are you like, I have nothing new to say, you know, so I just don't respond to that. If people want to FaceTime or even hang out in person, if it's safe and make sense, I will make up excuses until I'm blue in the face.


Like, I cannot I don't want to face time. I will decline every call.


And make an excuse for every hang out. I cannot do it.


This has really gotten especially bad over the past month and a half. It's always been bad, but now it's like at a whole new level. I literally cannot speak to anybody, see anybody. I just want to see a few people talk to a few people and that's it. I feel really bad. There's so many people that I'm neglecting in my life, but I mentally cannot speak to them, hang out with them, talk to them in any capacity.


I don't have the energy for it. And I'd rather just be by myself in my room or with the six select people that I that don't bother me, two of them being my parents.


It's sad, it's really sad and weird, like I used to crave hanging out with people, I was really such a social butterfly before and I didn't even realize in the moment because.


I don't know, I just like I loved meeting new people, I loved making new friends. I mean, I was, of course, you know, again, I was always hesitant to meet new people because I was scared, but if I ended up liking them, it was great, like going to parties I loved. I loved going to parties who's one of my favorite things to do and not even like I ever got invited to them. But like once every two months when it would happen, I was psyched.


A birthday party. I was there. I was looking forward to it all week, like I used to look forward to social events, used to get excited. I literally the thought of even going to coach. Koczela scares me, and that's my favorite time of the year.


I mean, I'm excited for Coachella when that happens again, don't get me wrong, I'm very excited because I want to see all the music and hang out with my select six people that I like, except for two of them are my parents when they would not be there. But you know what I'm saying?


Like, I'm excited to go to social events like Coachella just so I can do fun things with my people that don't bug me, not even like the people that I don't respond to or that I'm ignoring. Bug me. They don't bug me. It's not their fault. It's not personal at all. It has nothing to do with them. I just can't. I have a mental block. Socially. And I don't I don't know what it is, I can't explain it, it's so bizarre, I don't really feel like this has happened much ever in my life.


I'm normally somebody that actually really likes attention and so normally like getting texts from people, asking me how I'm doing or asking me to hang out would be like my dream.


But right now, no, like, I really I really, genuinely hate it and I want everybody to leave me alone. But I also feel like that's so mean. And also nobody has done anything wrong to me. I have absolutely no reason to be. Not speaking to anybody right now, I don't have a reason. And I think that that's what bugs me the most, I don't have a reason, I don't have an excuse. It just it makes me upset and anxious, which I guess is a valid enough excuse.


But it's a hard thing to explain to people because there's so many people I want to text right now. I'd be like, I'm sorry that I am being a flaky friend or not checking in on you. I just literally can't I can't do it. And I don't know why it's so bizarre. I honestly I'm genuinely curious about why if somebody could explain to me why I'm feeling like this, I would love that.


I've no idea.


It's so bizarre and so. I don't know, I don't think it's a bad thing, I don't think it's wrong of me. It's not like I'm ghosting like my best friends. It's all people that I've like, you know, it's nobody that I'm super close with. It's all like the type of friend that you see every few months. But I've really been neglecting those friendships all year.


And then now it's piling up and now everybody is getting mad at me. But it's not personal, I just can't do it. It sucks, it really does suck. Thank you. Story worth responsively, this episode of Anything Goes for many of us, the holidays will look very different this year, unfortunately. Well, I don't know a mixed about it anyway. Family and friend reunions might not be the same, but that shouldn't stop us from feeling close.


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Or friends, family or friends. Check it out. If you're feeling the same way, I can guarantee it probably something to do with quarantine and not the fact that we're we're not broken, we're human, this is normal probably I don't know. I haven't talked to any type of professional or like elderly person about it for advice. So I don't really know, like if this is a good or bad thing. But if I feel. To play to play devil's advocate here, if I feel best when I'm either talking to or around the six people that I can be around or just being by myself, and that's what's working for me, I need to just honor that and not question it.


But it is bizarre that it's happening. I think a big part of it, too, is that. I have a lot of things that I'm like I this is going to sound so fucking annoying, but there's a lot of things that I. I want to I need to do for my own. Like, I need to, like, exercise every day. That's a number one priority over being social, because if I don't exercise, then I don't release endorphins and I feel like shit, even if it's just a little walk to the to a coffee shop near me, something anything I'll do anything that's super important to me or like fuckin like.


I don't know, getting my work done at a reasonable hour, that's more important to me, I'd rather just do that stuff than be social. I don't want to be social right now. I'd rather do things for me. And be lazy in bed if I want, I don't want to have to like also, I guess there's, you know, oh my God, I wonder if it's this, too.


You know what? I might just have had an epiphany. My dad has mentioned before that he doesn't really like having friends just to hang out with them and talk. He likes having friends that he can do stuff with. For example, he's an artist, so he'll go out and he'll paint with his friends. That's like doing an activity with a friend. And it's not like you're accomplishing something. It's productive. I think the idea right now of. Going and hanging out at somebody's house and watching a movie like that, to me seems like such a waste of fucking time, but that's pretty much all we can do right now.


It's not like I could go.


Shopping with a friend, really, it's not like I could go to go to dinner with a friend right now, it's not like I could go to some sort of, like, fun pottery thing.


Like, most things are closed right now. So in L.A., especially so. There's nothing productive to do with others. I mean, there probably is, but it feels like there isn't, and I think that that's what's so uninspiring about it to me. It's like if somebody just wants me to come over and watch a movie with them, I'm not going to do it. Like, I just don't want to do that. That's the last thing I want to do or come over and, like, sit around on the couch and, like, talk shit about people like, I don't know, like that's all people do.


I just it doesn't sound good to me.


I just don't want to do it, so. It's not personal to anybody, I just literally mentally can't do it, and the thought of like what I would be doing with said people is even worse to me, like all of those things would just give me anxiety. And so.


I will stick to the few people that I can handle being around at this time, try not to question it, it's probably normal and move on, but that's something that's been really weighing heavily on me because I feel guilty about it for one, but.


For two, it's kind of concerning because I'm like, what's wrong with me? Like, I've lost my social spark, you know, I don't really have the motivation to have a conversation with anybody anymore. I'm kind of happy in my own brain, but like, not in a good way, though. Like it maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it's even just me becoming mature and this would have happened anyway.


But I just don't have interest in, like, having conversations with other people. Like, I there's I don't see a point to it, which is not good because I think there is something to be said for being social and talking to others and learning more about other people's lives and their point of views. But right now, that just sounds so unappealing and pointless to me. I also think the other thing is to a lot of people, a lot of people are really negative right now.


Hello, me right now being slightly negative and it's like I don't want to have a conversation about some negative shit for an hour and just get more sad. When I could watch cooking videos in my bed by myself or with one of the six people that I don't want to cut out of my life at this time. And I could enjoy it with them and like not I just I don't know, there's like this weird limbo for me with, like, these people that I've known forever, but I just can't follow through with the plans anymore.


Like, I just I can't do it. And let me know if you guys are feeling the same way.


You can tweet me at a podcast and let me know if you can relate to that at all, because, I mean, it's been making me feel really weird and off and it's so out of character. And I'm curious to see if anybody else has been feeling the same way. Another thing, I mean, I kind of talked about how I've been trying to exercise to keep me in a good spot, my head, and it has been helping, I took a little break from it because I just kind of got sick of it for a little bit.


And I was like, I'm just not my workout grind. Like, I just don't really feel it right now. So I stopped for a little bit, but I'm slowly getting back into running outside. And but here's my issue.


I have this like. I hate running in my neighborhood because there's so many people around, like there's so many people running, there's so many people walking around, like walking to coffee shops in the area and stuff like that and.


I hate it because of a few reasons, number one, I don't know what I look like when I run and in middle school, I never thought about the way that I ran. But then one time in middle school, somebody was like, Emma, you run so weird. Anyway, that stuck with me permanently. And I've never wanted to run in front of anybody ever again, which is ironic because I did cross country and track in high school.


But I think at that point I just gave up. But still I have a very large phobia of somebody watching me run. So the fact that there's been so many people out and about. Like trying to get their fresh air during all this has been extremely upsetting to me because I. I know I'm never going to see these people again, but the fact that there's so many people around seeing me run potentially in a weird way, which I've never found out for sure because I refuse to film myself running because I don't want to know.


There's just an anxiety there for me. But it was funny because other day I was on a run and I saw a famous comedian at a coffee shop.


That made me anxious, I made eye contact with him and I was like, really? I was like, fuck, he's probably gonna write a whole entire comedy special about how bad my running looks. So keep your eyes out for the next Chris D'Elia special. When it comes out on Netflix of him probably talking about how to run like a chicken. Can't wait. There was Chris D'Elia. Or Dullea, I don't know how to say his name. And we did make eye contact, and that was my word.


It was like my worst nightmare coming true.


And then actually funny story right after I saw him, I continued to run and.


I was running past a high school, and it was the weekend, it was a Sunday. And then I look over and I realize, oh, my God, every Sunday this high school holds is like the venue for a flea market.


And in L.A., a flea market, it's like a thrift, it's like one big thrift store that's outdoors, it's almost like a farmer's market, but for vintage clothing or homemade clothing, anything like that. And a bunch of, like people my age go there to shop. I mean, I go there to shop. It's super fun. I forgot that the flea market was happening, but I'm like running. And I realized I was about to run past it.


I do a full 180 and I'm like, OK, I can't run the other way because if I run the other way, I'll run past Mr. Comedian again.


If I go straight, I have to go down this like Ali. That's kind of scary, so I don't want to do that. But if I keep running, then I'm going to run past the flea market where there's a bunch of people my age and there's nothing scarier than a bunch of people your age seeing you run while they're out with their friends shopping. There's something so vulnerable about that, and let me tell you, I'm in no spot to be vulnerable right now, so I decided to run down the alley.


This is a true story, I can't believe I didn't like think to bring this up, like I only remembered the comedian element, but this whole entire run was traumatizing.


So I decided to go down the alley and I'm running down the alley. And there was some people in there.


And it was it was very it was a wide alley, like very wide, like not narrow, like a dark alley. It was like pretty wide, like two cars could fit driving down it at the same time. So pretty wide. There's a guy walking down.


A little channel of the alley like he was whatever, there's basically a guy in the alley holding two baseball bats and he wasn't facing me, he was walking the other way.


But I was very frightened of that.


It was a terrible experience, to be honest. But at the same time, it's like, I need to go get that fresh air or else I'll lose my marbles.


But the thing is that you see in Los Angeles, when you try to go for a peaceful run, I need to find like a good area that has a bunch of nature, like I need to find a good nature area at some point that I could run in to escape the city element because why am I running in the city?


God only knows. I don't.


It's just not smart anyways. More of what's been going on in my life, my mom visited me for five weeks in L.A. She was here for five weeks and right when she left, my dad decided to come visit. So I have officially been. Living with at least one of my parents at a time for six weeks, I'd love to talk about. How that's going for me. I think I need my alone time. I love my parents so much, I love them so much, but I really, really need my alone time and.


I took it for granted, I did, and. It's been a little bit tough because. You don't realize the little things it's like when I'm in the kitchen and I'm cooking and my parents are in there and they're like getting in my way. As Dom and. Stupid and petty as it seems. Stuff like that makes me like. Makes me tense, right, and it's it's part of living with another person when somebody's staying with you and somebody living with you, when you live with somebody in general, those things are going to happen.


They're normal, but. Living with somebody else for some people is great, but for me, it makes me very tense. It's like. Waking up in the morning or like getting out of the shower and having to close all my doors and close all my windows that nobody sees me, those types of things all make me very tense. I feel like I'm. I'm not I don't have, like, the freedom, I can't just walk around naked if I want, like, stuff like that, not that I even do that anyway, but it's like the fact that I can't makes me tense.


And so I think that the fact that I haven't had any alone time for six weeks straight is kind of making me lose my marbles a little bit and.


I'm very much ready to get my alone time back. It's been. Very eye opening and. It just made me realize how, like, I don't know how I'm ever going to live with anybody, ever. That's not true.


Maybe it's when it's your parents, it's a little bit different because I've never had a roommate, so I don't know what that would be like.


But then again, I've had sleepovers with my friends for weeks on end, and that's always been fine and different. I think there's something about having your parents around where you constantly feel like you need to be on your best behavior. The kitchen always has to be clean. Your room always has to be organized. It's almost like you live at home again, you know, so maybe that's why it's so it can be so anxiety provoking. But at the same time, if I really think about it, I'm glad I get to even spend time with my parents.


So I feel like a bitch saying that it's making me tense. But that's the honesty of the situation. I feel like most kids get really anxious when they're living with their parents, and that's why as scary as becoming an adult.


Is is as scary as it is to become an adult, being able to move out of your parent's home is one of the best feelings ever.


And I really think that if any of you guys are fearing that right now or, you know, whatever, it's really not that bad. And it actually is probably better than you think. I mean, at least in my opinion, I really love it. I love living alone. I love having my own space.


And if any of you are fearing it, I would say don't, because I think it's a really great thing. And I also think that it makes my relationship with my parents better.


I've actually found that it's weird. I don't really hang out with my parents much when they visit me, but when they're not here, I'm calling them all day long.


All day long, I'm calling them literally six times a day, each parent, when they're not here, but when my parents are here, I don't talk to them all day, like maybe during meals and that's it. And I don't know what it is. It's so interesting what the whatever the psychology is of that.


I'm curious. I don't know. But so weird. Anyway, my dad will probably be leaving in a few days and I'll have my alone time back and we'll see how that affects my anxiety and overall mental health in general.


I'm very curious to see if maybe it'll be better for me or maybe it will be worse.


God only knows, but I'll keep you guys updated. The last topic I have written down for today is something that's been happening, happening to me so much. And it's. Literally bugging me so bad. OK, so. Well, there is one person that I follow on Instagram. There are friend.


And I am the first one to view their Instagram story, I swear to God, every single time they post a story and I don't know why this is literally every time I open Instagram, the first thing I do is click on stories to see like that first before I looked on the feed and I'll click the first story and then it will go and play through all of them.


Whatever, whatever. You guys know, Instagram works.


Every time I go on Instagram, this person has posted a news story and I am the first viewer, I swear to God, like I'm talking about 30 seconds after they post it, I almost want to mute them because I'm so embarrassed and I know that they're seeing it, but we're not that close like we're close, but we're not close enough to a point where I could be like, dude, I'm viewing I'm your first view on every story, like we're not there yet.


So it's like I couldn't. Bring it up, but yet I know that they're seeing it and it's I know it's probably an elephant in the room and it makes me so uncomfortable, but I don't know why I'm having that coincidence. And do you know what's funny about it to this person? Doesn't post a lot on their stories. They'll maybe post two stories a day, maybe three or four. I am literally seeing it one minute after it's posted every single time I think I'm going to mute him.


I'm serious because I'm getting embarrassed. It's fucked. I'm mortified, so. I don't know what is happening with that, but. Does he think that I like see, then I could go down a whole path about it? No one. I mean, there's a chance he's not seeing it and that's great.


I love that chance. Like, I love thinking about that.


I love thinking that there's a great chance that he isn't even noticing.


But on the off chance that he's seeing it, like I don't even I might as well block him like I oh, it hurts my body to think about anyway.


Now is the time of the episode where I'm going to talk about what you guys would like me to talk about. OK, the first thing you guys wanted me to talk about was how fucked up the school systems are.


I completely agree. I mean, you didn't really you made a statement there.


You said that the school systems are fucked up. I completely agree. I especially think right now it's even worse. And I don't I hate to put an opinion, Ian, about something without having a solution for it.


Like, I hate to say that the whole Zoome classes things isn't working, but then not propose a solution. Because I don't have one, I don't know, that's kind of just what we're I guess that's the cards we were dealt and we just have to deal with it.


But at the same time. I don't think it's working like I don't know, because I'm not in school right now, but just from talking to my family members that are still in school or even when I have talked to some of my old home friends that are in college right now, everybody's like, I'm not learning anything.


Like I haven't learned anything since. covid started. Like nothing and I mean, I bet there are some people that are learning stuff, but like a lot of people can't focus staring at a screen all day, my thing is I wonder what would be a better solution. Part of me even thinks that it would be better. To cut the workload in half. And then give kids the time to, like, find things that they're passionate about. You know, I feel like the school system in general, it takes up so much of your time because it's so rigorous, usually, at least in my experience, that there's no time to find a passion in life.


Not only that, but there's no energy left, you work so hard at school and sports and extracurriculars and stuff like that that by the time of the day is over, you have no energy or inspiration left to find a passion or to find anything that you care about.


Which is why if you're struggling to find something that you care about or to find something that you're passionate about and you're worried about your future because you think that it's your fault that you don't know what you're passionate about yet, don't ever be mean to yourself about that, because the school system in the way that it's set up is not in favor of you finding something that you're passionate about by any means. It is such an energy suck and it's so much work to a point that you can barely even grow your social skills because you have no time to be social unless you want to fill your classes like it's always a give and take.


It's like if you want to be social, you're probably going to fail some of your classes. If you want to do both, you're never going to sleep. If you want to get really good grades and get sleep, no social life, there's always something got to give and. That's just not a good system, not to mention so many people that I know are so smart, but they never did well in school and now they're so successful. Why?


Because they, like, decided that school wasn't working for them and that they wanted to learn in other ways. And I'm not saying that school is not important.


I think it's very important. And I think I learned a lot in those years about so many different things. How to. B. Reliable because I always had to turn in homework in a way, so like I always was, you know, learning how to be on time with shit like that was really important.


Oh, my God, I can see my neighbor through my window. Oh, my God, that's so awkward. I need to close my window. Oh, my God. Wow, was that weird?


I literally just looked out of my window and I could see into my neighbor's window and they were in the bathroom and I just felt like I shouldn't have been looking.


And also, he saw me sitting in my closet on the floor.


That wouldn't really look so good either. So windows are closed now anyway.


Was he talking about. Oh, I did learn really important things in school, how to, you know, be timely for things. It taught me how to have a schedule waking up every day at the same time turning in assignments on time like it taught me about that. And, you know, it also taught me basic knowledge that I needed to know. And I think that all of that is so important. But I think that. When? You're in the later years of high school and even in college, that's when things start to get a little bit blurry for me.


I think at a certain point, school starts to get to a point where it's like it's not helping as much anymore. Like I would say up until sophomore year, for me, everything was very necessary.


All the math that I learned in that I feel like all of that was useful. Geometry, though, was not like geometry. I've never used that again. It taught me critical thinking in a way I don't even know what critical thinking means, but I feel like it probably taught me that, like you taught me about how to think outside of the box in certain ways, which I think that is I think that's good. There's so many ways you can look at it.


I think that the more that you learn, the better it'll make your brain stronger, it'll make you a better learner and it'll make you a more well-rounded person. I don't see a problem with learning, but I think that. There's too much like I almost think that they should spread out the high school curriculum and not allow people to do honors classes and stuff and like force people to just take the normal.


Math, science, et cetera, everybody has to take the normal stuff. Which will be potentially less challenging. But that would give students more time to take classes about other stuff that they find interesting or take classes about how to pay taxes. Do you see what I'm saying? Instead of forcing kids to take these crazy math and science classes, I guess that's, you know.


But that doesn't really work either. Because like some people really want to take crazy science classes because they want to do science for their job.


It's just it's so messy and it's so not an easy answer. And I think that's the problem. But there's no doubt that it's flawed, you know what I mean? There's no doubt that it's flawed. I think that in some way the workload needs to be. By like 30 percent, because I think that the workload really gets in the way of kids becoming who they are, having their own identity. People just end up conforming to whatever they're seeing around them because they don't have time to be critical, think about their own life, they're too busy critical thinking about a fucking essay.


They don't have time to think about themselves. I had no brain when I was in high school. I literally thought about schoolwork. Boys and like, that's it, I thought about nothing, I didn't think about anything I was interested in. I had no passions. I did like competitive cheerleading, which was fun, but like that was an extracurricular activity that wasn't even that was like put in front of me. Like, I it wasn't like I was doing anything for me.


And I still struggle with that to this day. But I think that the workload is just too much, at least from my personal experience.


Somebody said. Please talk about quarantine. I really need to relate to somebody if I'm being completely honest with you guys and I know I didn't want to talk about this, I didn't want to get into it.


But it's been the number one thing on my mind. For the last month or so, and it's the fact that I literally have no thoughts left and I know I've been saying that for months, but I have no thoughts left. I have no opinions. I have no thoughts. I have no passion for anything. I have nothing left in my brain. My brain empty, brain broke and is empty. And I feel bad talking about it. And I feel bad saying it because everybody's agreeing.


But like, I literally feel empty. It's not even necessarily sadness. I mean, I've been struggling with depression over the past few months and that's whatever. But like besides that, even when I'm in a moment of like where that's not even bad, I have no thoughts. I have nothing like I'm not excited about anything. I have no emotion, I just feel like blank. Nothing jars mean, nothing surprises me, nothing excites me, nothing scares me, like I'm just.


In a moment of like numbness, like I'm completely numb to everything, I feel nothing, and it's so and it makes it really hard for me because the whole point, the reason why I am where I am and I, I work, I whatever the reason why I'm a fucking YouTube or the reason why I had this podcast is because I share opinions and I share feelings and I share the truth and how I feel about stuff. And I share funny stories and I like connect with you guys in that way.


I can't connect with fucking anything right now because I have no thoughts.


No thoughts. It's completely bizarre, and so that's like really a bummer for me right now because I'm like, holy shit. Like I genuinely don't think about anything, like I just do the daily tasks that I need to do. And then I go to bed at 10, 30 and I wake up and do it again. I'm in a limbo of this whole thing. It's I mean, I know that we've all been saying for months that we've just been living the same day over and over again.


But I'm like now it's at a point where it's like I feel like I was pretty resilient to it at first because I had things exciting me, like I had, you know, I don't know. There are things that were exciting to me, but now everything's just like evened out.


Everything's calm. Nothing is jarring, nothing is exciting, I'm just like. Blank in my brain, and I know a lot of you guys are probably like probably feeling like that, too. It sucks. I know it'll pass when things start happening again, it'll feel good. But I feel like all I do is work, sleep, eat, work out. That's it. And it's like, again, what I said in the last episode, the quote from The Shining.


All work, no play makes Jack a dull boy. I feel very dull and empty because there's just nothing. I have no stories to tell. Nothing funny or crazy happens to me during the day. Do the same thing all day.


It's an extremely bizarre sensation. And it sucks, but at the same time. We're going to get through it. This is all temporary, it's hard to feel like that, but this is temporary. And I know that because I've gone through phases throughout this quarantine of feeling like that, but also I've gone through phases in life where I felt really depressed, really, really bad, just awful. But then the next week, I feel so much better.


And I know that this is going to be the same thing for all of us. And. That's that, OK, the last thing I want to talk about, somebody asked me if I believe that marriage is necessary, have I talked about this?


I say I feel like I've talked about everything. Like I feel like I've talked about everything I've ever felt, every opinion I've ever had. Like, I feel like I've touched on everything in this podcast at least once. And that's why I'm like, desperate. I'm like, can somebody like can someone, like, pee on my front lawn or something like someone just do something out of pocket. But also I don't want that. But also like I want a story like I want to be able to tell people stories.


I love calling people and being like, oh my God, you'll never guess what happened or coming on here. I mean, like, you'll never guess what happened. And that hasn't happened to me in a while because literally I live the same day every day and that's it. But I do think that this is an interesting question in my opinion, on it constantly changes. So I thought I would talk about it to end off this episode, I.


I'm so conflicted because here's my thing about it. On one hand, I feel like marriage is not necessary because I think that there's a lot of complications with marriage.


Like financially, it can be kind of weird. Like some people, a lot of people are becoming more independent, like my generation, I feel like is so independent and not as traditional.


And so like the idea of combining a bank account I think is a lot less obvious to my generation than it would be to say the older generation.


Also, when it comes to like the legality of marriage, like I feel like a lot of people don't really care about that. Not to mention open relationships and stuff like that is becoming a lot more popular. I don't know if it's always been popular, but I feel like maybe just because I'm getting older and hearing more about adult stuff, like I'm hearing about things like that. But then again, when I talk to my grandparents, like, it doesn't really sound like that was a thing.


But there's just so many different ways to look at relationships now that I feel like with marriage, it's a less obvious choice.


And there's a lot less obvious benefits, like the idea of combining a bank account with a guy. That's scary.


I don't trust anybody like. What if that motherfucker went in and stole everything in divorce me and killed me or something and took out a life insurance on me and then killed me, like, I don't know, like that's why marriage scares me, because I'm like, I don't trust anybody. And also, I mean, I'm going to probably get married, which I'll explain why in the next part of this answer. But that's why I feel like marriage is so much less.


It's also expensive, like having a wedding is so expensive and, you know, doing all of the documents for getting married. It's just like. I think to a lot of people, especially in my age group, it just seems unnecessary when you could just have a lifelong partner that, you know is your partner and where there's a life long, you know, agreement there. I think the reason why marriage can be beneficial is for the official bonding legally together that solidifies that you're going to be together forever.


It's like a promise, I think, that for me, marriage is necessary. Can be seen as necessary because it's a. Promise to be with that person forever. I feel like there's something. You're going to work harder to keep the relationship alive if you're married rather than if you're just partners, because if you're married, there's like a lot more fuckin weight there, like you're sharing a bank account, possibly, you know, you are legally in the record as married.


If you want to get divorced, if you want to break up, it's not just like, oh, we're broken up verbally. It's like, OK, this is actually something that needs to be dealt with, like through, you know, like it's a serious thing. We're just breaking up with somebody. You can just say bye and then you can get back together. There's something comforting about the idea of marrying somebody and knowing that, like. If we want to end this like it gives you hope that you would work hard before you just ended it, because there's more riding on it when you're married.


And I think that that's something that's really important for if you start a family, because then you're going to fight harder, you know, to keep the marriage together for your kids. Obviously, divorces still happen 50 percent of the time, but you know what I mean? And. I don't know, like I just think that. There's a. Promise that's made with marriage isn't made anywhere else, and that just might be me or like what I've witnessed from other people, but I think that that's why it's so powerful.


And I think that that's why I'm to get married at some point just because I want to have a family I want. To experience marriage because my parents got divorced, to be completely honest with you, I'm curious about it, but I also it's something I want to experience in my life before I die. But I also am like, OK, but if I ended up finding a lifelong partner, had a kid with them and had a family with them, like, what's the fucking difference?


You know?


So I don't know, like. That's the Question of the Day. Is it necessary? I don't know, but that's my input. Anyway, I love you guys, thank you guys for listening to me. I really appreciate hanging out with you. And I love you all so much and.


I will talk to you. Next week, be safe, stay sane, we can do this, and I love you all LA bye bye.