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Ramble, all right, here we go again. Hi, guys, welcome back to Anything Goes. Oh. Where do I start, where do I start? You know where I'm gonna start, I'm just going to start by. Saying a little thank you to you guys for coming back. If you do come back or even if you're new, thank you for checking it out, just thank you guys for all of your support on the podcast. It means so much to me.


I know I've talked about this before. Actually, my first episode of Anything Goes when I switch from stupid genius to Anything Goes Stupid Geniuses, my old podcast that I now despise with every bone in my body. If you are out of the loop on that. Those episodes are still up, if you guys want to want to listen to those, I'll delete them as soon as my podcast production company allows me to. Because I hate them, but we've evolved anyway.


I just want to thank you guys for, you know, connecting with this podcast and connecting with me through this podcast recently, it's felt like one of the only ways that I can truly communicate with all of you. And it's the most intimate platform I have. And I feel like I truly feel like heard. On the podcast, like, I feel like you guys hear me here in a way that you don't on any other platform, and to be honest, sometimes I wish that I only had a podcast because I think that the connection that I have with those of you who listen, it's so much deeper than on any other platform.


And so that's why I think it's so therapeutic for me, because, you know, I have that connection with you guys here that I don't have anywhere else, and it's so special. So I just want to thank you guys for, you know, connecting with me here.


And I'm very grateful for all of you and I'm excited to. Vent once again. So what are we talking about today?


We're talking about Los Angeles because I've been here for far too fucking long in a row with like a little three day break. I had like one three day break from L.A.. In the past six months, and I've just been here for like six months straight, no break. Nothing, and this is like the longest I've ever been in L.A. with no break, and it is getting to me and I've been trying to pinpoint why, like, why can I not be here for six months straight?


Like, why why is this damaging my brain? And I actually had an epiphany about it yesterday and I realized what it is.


And here, here it is recently I've been needing a break from social media more than ever, I feel like it's really toxic right now. For some reason, I'm really vulnerable. So, like, mean comments and shit like that are getting to mean more than normal. And so it's time for me to turn the phone off. Right. And that's fun and all. But the problem is, is that when you live in L.A. and you turn your phone off and you make the effort to disconnect and you go outside and you go and grab a coffee or you go to a restaurant or, you know, you go to the beach or you do this, isn't that.


There's a chance. That. It's not going to be a disconnect. A very good chance and I'll explain why. Living in L.A. and like existing in L.A., especially in, you know, the center of it all, in the core of it all, which is basically where I live and where all my friends live, is kind of in the middle of it all, where everybody hangs out and shit like that.


The problem with living in this area is that.


You turn your phone off and you walk outside and it's literally like you're just seeing your Instagram explore page, but in real life and I'll explain almost every time I go to a restaurant or I go to a coffee shop or I go shopping or whatever I'm faced with.


People that I'm seeing on my Instagram constantly, like I see people that I know like almost daily one way or another, whether it's like. I already listed all the places I go, so you know that, but no matter where I go in L.A., unless I drive far away, like far away to the beach or something like that, there's a very, very good chance that I'm going to see somebody that I know. And that makes it really hard to disconnect.


You know what I mean? When you turn your phone off and it feels as if. You're still living in it. And, you know, there's things like paparazzi where I don't get paparazzi a lot, but like or, you know, whatever, but like things like that.


Also feel like I'm still. Connected to the social media world, because then it's like, oh, I'm going to see that later, you know what? What did I look like? What did I say? Everything OK? Like, whatever. There's kind of no escape here. From the social media realm, it's like you're living in a real life Instagram feed, talk feed, probably more talk talk than Instagram, but.


Regardless, it's crazy, and I think I realize that that's why. I've been feeling so shitty recently because I don't there's nowhere for me to escape to. And I am somebody who desperately needs escape. Because. I don't like. This shit, like I love making videos for you guys, I love making podcasts for you guys, I love putting on outfits and posting photos in it to hopefully inspire somebody. I love all that shit and I love meeting you guys.


I think more the issue is, is actually seeing like other creators and other things like that out and about. That's what gives me the anxiety, not meeting you guys, not like the act of posting on social media and being present on social media. But it's the fact that, like when I turn my phone off, I'm seeing all the people that I see on my phone in real life, and I hate it. I don't like that it is such a surreal and uncomfortable, weird thing that, like, it makes me feel like I'm living in The Matrix or something.


Because it's like why, like it's not like, you know, when I lived in San Francisco, if I turned my phone off.


I could go out into the world and it would be the real world, there would be people that like, you know, have like a normal life, like everybody in San Francisco in that area, the area that I lived, the peninsula, everybody had a normal life, like everybody was normal.


Everything was like very like nothing was like crazy. It was so calm.


It was so like, you know.


You could truly disconnect there, because when you turn your phone off, you weren't going to. See the Hollywood fix and then turn left and see, like everybody who you saw on your front page earlier that day, like that's not going to happen. And listen, I'm guilty of going to popular places. Like I go to popular places that a lot of people go to. And that's my that doesn't help. Like, if I really, really wanted to, like, not experience this, I could drive a little bit farther away and like, go to a restaurant that's maybe 20 minutes away rather than two minutes away.


And I wouldn't have this issue. But the thing is, is that I want to live in the area that I live, like I live in this area. It just happens to be like a very popular area for influencers and stuff to hang out. And I mean, it's kind of making me isolate myself in a sense. Like I mean, there's a select few people that I, I have the energy and all that to talk to you right now.


And those people are kind of an exception. But like, I'm so.


I feel so connected at all times, like I don't ever feel like I get to it shut off, and so that's been really tough for me. And I never had this issue before, which I think is so weird. I feel like there's an influx of people that are in L.A. now that weren't here a year ago. Like, I think there's a lot the influencer population in Los Angeles, I feel like is growing, which is great, you know what I mean?


Everybody is.


Yeah, I'm I'm all for people moving to L.A. and pursuing their dreams and fuck. Yeah. Like I'm on everyone's team. I want everyone to succeed and I'm here for it. Like, I'm not saying like everybody needs to leave L.A. like stop coming here. I was here first.


I'm not saying that because listen, that's not fair. Like when I moved here, I wanted people to accept me with open arms. You know what I mean? It's not anyone's this is not anyone's fault. And I think that for a lot of people, it's actually really fun. Like people like seeing, you know, influencers that they know, like out and about. I hate the word influence or by the way and I hate that I'm using it, but it's just like it's just flowing.


Let me flow.


OK, anyway, like for a lot of people, it's fun to see people that you know or you know, and it's fun to see people that you see on your Instagram or on your for you page.


Like for a lot of people, that's exciting and that's fun and it's sorry. And they like that social stimulation like that is something that they enjoy. And for those people, I'm so jealous because I don't feel like that.


And I think that I used to when I was younger, I loved it. Like I loved going to parties and I loved going, you know, and being social and stuff. But recently I've realized that that's not something that I really like anymore.


And I think that's totally fine. I don't know if I've grown out of it or what, I think a big part of it has to do with my anxiety. And it's not like I don't have social anxiety, like when I'm around people I don't have. That is not something that I would say I have. And obviously, I haven't gone to the, you know, any sort of doctor for that either, because I don't think that I have that issue.


But I have a pretty bad general anxiety. And I think that a lot of my anxiety comes from comes from the fact that, like, I know that L.A. is a very small, tight knit, like everybody knows each other kind of thing, which is weird because it is kind of a big city and there's people all over, you know, 20 mile radius.


There's so many different people and a lot of them know each other because we're all in a very similar industry. Not everybody who lives here, obviously, but there's a very large population, I would say, of people who are in a similar space to me. And so.


It's kind of like one big high school, and I've said that once and I'll say it again and you know, I left high school for a reason. I don't thrive in that environment. I like one majority of people around me feel like a stranger. It's weirdly comforting to me knowing that I won't ever see that person again when I'm at a. You know, coffee shop and somebody says, hey, I like your shoes, it's comforting to me when I'm in a place like New York where I feel like I'm never going to see that person again.


Listen, if I lived in New York, it might be a different thing. It might be a similar kind of vibe where everybody knows each other type of thing. I don't know. I've never lived there. But I know with here, it's like everyone knows everyone and I.


It's overwhelming and it's scary and it's like. It's clicky and there is. It sucks. And I don't like being in this environment, I don't like being around that, I like meeting people that have different backgrounds to me that do different things than me, like that's exciting to me and like enriching for my life because I like to learn about. Other things and not. My own space, you know, but listen, is this partially in error on my part for sure, like there's probably bazillions of people in L.A. that aren't exactly what I'm looking for.


Right. The problem is, I don't know how to find that. And.


In my mind, it feels everywhere I look, it's someone I know, right, and so that might be me looking at L.A. in a glass half empty way rather than a glass half full. Because L.A. is such a big city, there's so many different types of people, and I just might be looking in the wrong places at the same time, I'm not even really looking for new friends. Like I don't know if that's even something that I want.


So regardless, I think the main issue is it's really hard to disconnect here when everything that you see on your phone is happening right here. So that's kind of what I'm dealing with with that, and it's been giving me a lot of anxiety, not to mention my anxiety in general has been really bad.


Just about so many things, and I think for any of you guys who struggle with anxiety, it feels like you have this like dark pair of glasses on and everything that you look at, you see through that dark pair of glasses, so.


Everything in your life could be going really well, but you're going to see everything in a blurry, dark way. You're not going to be seeing it clearly for what it really is, which in my life right now, everything is really good and I have nothing to be worried about.


Yet I'm looking at everything through a lens of anxiety and. It freaks me out, but I think it's because there's so many things that are out of my control. Which is like obvious, like, OK, Amaya, there's so many things that are out of your control, everybody can say that, but. I think that sometimes I realize it more than other times, you know what I mean? Like, I can't control what someone else says about me.


I can't control. What people think about me, I can't control how people perceive me.


All of those things, I cannot control those things. And I think recently that's been really, really making me anxious. But what I'm trying to return to is this mindset of. Who gives a fuck you have good people in your life, period, who cares about everybody else? Who cares about how those people see you? If you have those poor people in your life, it doesn't matter. But actually even more important than the poor people in your life, how you perceive yourself, it all goes in one.


It's all one. They all go hand in hand, is what I'm trying to say, like. Me being worried about what the Internet and what other people in L.A. think of me. Directly correlates with my view of myself right now, which is a little bit injured, and I'm slowly but surely mending it. But, you know, I've definitely like a few episodes ago, I talked about how I've been having really severe self-esteem issues and they're actually getting better.


I've been really trying to make the conscious effort to be like, hey, let's not think about ourselves like that. And so for a little update on that, I'm definitely doing better. It's not it's by no means perfect, but I'm really taking steps to fix it and fix my self-esteem and fix it, fix a way. I look at myself in the mirror. I'm really, really doing my best and making that conscious effort. It's not an easy journey.


It's not something that happens overnight.


I didn't expect it to, but it's every day it gets a little bit better. And every day I'm talking about it more with people that I love and stuff like that. And that's helping me get through it. So if you guys are on a similar journey with me and maybe you decided you you wanted to do the same thing as me when I made that episode, I hope that you guys are having luck with it and. Keep pushing because we're going to figure this shit out together.


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But along with that whole kind of anxiety lens that I've been looking at life through, that can sometimes lead to me having a slight depressive episode.


And for the past week or so, I've been feeling.


A little bit depressed, not super bad, but. Definitely crying a lot. Definitely really exhausted, physically and mentally can't like was really struggling to get out of bed and stuff like that. But I actually feel like today I'm out of it. I'm a little bit anxious today, but I'm not depressed. I don't feel depressed today, like I felt motivated to get out of bed this morning, which was really good. And so luckily, the episode wasn't too long of that.


But I think that anxiety and depression for me go hand in hand. And if I'm anxious for too long, it'll turn into a depressive episode in the whole thing is just a fucking mess.


And I feel bad, you know, telling you guys about this because I don't I don't want to come on here every week and, like, complain rightly. That's the last thing I want to do. And I'm not complaining. I think I'm. My goal is I want to show you guys. I want to be honest about the way that I'm feeling and like things I'm dealing with, because I know that there's some of you that are dealing with the same thing.


And I and I want you guys to feel. Better about those things and feel more normal because it feels really good to know that people are struggling with the same thing. Like, even I was talking to my friend the other day and I was explaining how I was feeling and I was kind of nervous to like explain it because I was like, God, I want to be a Debbie Downer.


But then they were like, am I feeling the same way? Like, I'm feeling really fucked up in my head, too.


Like there's something bumming me out and I'm feeling like I'm kind of having a depressed if I feel like I'm kind of having a depressive episode as well.


And it made me feel so much better to know, like, OK, you know, I'm not alone in this. My friend is going through this to. I mean, this is normal and, you know. I'm going to give advice to them and then I'm going to take that advice to, you know what I mean? It helps. I don't know why. Sorry, I was biting a hangnail off oh. But. I think what's really helped me get out of my I mean, I've been talking to a therapist a little bit.


That really helped me a lot, and I usually am like kind of I have a little bit of PTSD with therapists because when my parents got divorced, I got a therapist and the experience was really bad for me.


I hated it. I hated it. But, you know, recently I was really desperate and I was like, you know what, I think I'm gonna try to talk to a therapist.


And I did. And it was so helpful. I just did a call with one and it was really helpful. And it's actually really helped me. And one of the main things that she told me was she was like Emma. You need to forgive yourself for a lot of stuff you need to forgive yourself for. Literally normal things that you've done in your life. I'm very hard on myself, very tough critic with myself, as I've talked about on here, and she was like, I'm a you need to like, forgive yourself for the things that you've done that you aren't proud of.


You know what I mean? Because none of those things harmed anybody. But you you didn't, with all the things that I need to forgive myself for, I have nothing to do with anyone else. It's not like I harmed somebody else with those things. It was like things that I did that harm myself, for example, like staying in toxic friendships for too long or, you know, trusting somebody who, like, ended up betraying me or even like not being, you know, a super good friend to people and kind of being like emotionally unavailable, which might have harmed other people.


But, you know, there's nothing I could do.


Sometimes I'm not able to be emotionally available all the time, you know, stuff like that, that like I can't go and I can't go and apologize to somebody for she was like, you need to forgive yourself for things that. You're mad at yourself about because all the other things you can go and you can apologize to people and have that conversation with them, but there's a conversation that you need to have with yourself. That's even more important, you know what I mean, because I think people forget to have conversations with themself, and even if you're like me and you live alone and you know you're alone a decent amount, like sometimes you forget to check in with yourself.


And the other day, actually, yesterday, I was driving to the beach. And I was just kind of thinking about. I was actually kind of ruminating. Anxiously about. Just like. A bunch of burdens that I have, right? And I kind of thought about it more and all of a sudden I felt this like light feeling in my head, like a light meaning like heavy versus light, like light, like it made me feel like a weight had been lifted.


And I literally felt myself subconsciously forgiving myself for a lot of things. Like letting people take advantage of me and shit like that. That's the main one, I would say. And I like felt myself forgiving myself for it, and I mean, when I tell you I bawled my eyes out, I did bawl my eyes out. But. It was because the therapist told me, like, you need to forgive yourself and I had that seed planted in my head and then it clicked randomly when I was driving to the beach.


And then I have felt a lot better since, you know, but it's all about having those seeds planted and having, you know, people to talk to that can plant those seeds because you can't plant a seed in your own brain.


So I just recommend that you guys talk to people about what you're dealing with because. Even a little bit of insight from them, or even just like a shoulder to cry on that shit is crazy helpful. So I don't know. Y'all, I'm just ready. I don't know, I think the moral of the story is I need to get out of L.A. I need to get the fuck out of here and listen. I'm grateful to be here. I'm grateful that, you know, my life is what it is and I wouldn't want it any other way.


And that's that. But. I am in desperate need for a little disconnect, and I think that that's very clear. So if you guys want to tweet me any fun destinations that you think I could go to that are covered friendly, because I don't know how that whole thing is working right now, maybe nothing with a plane, maybe anything kind of close L.A. that you think is fun.


Please tweet me and let me know, but. Maybe let's lighten the mood. I'm going to talk to you about. I did a workout class today. Let's talk about what I did today. I did a workout class today for the first time in a really long time because they're all closed. But a workout class that I don't go too often, but I like relatively a lot Barry's Bootcamp. I don't know if you guys know what it is.


They are doing outdoor classes, and so I decided to go. In workout classes are so weird, I never realized how really weird they were until I took a class outside in broad daylight where I could see everyone because normally the rooms are dark. Yeah, workout classes are really weird and the instructors are so insane. Like, I forgot how, like high energy and insane they are.


They're just so intense that it kind of pisses me off like it kind of makes me angry, which kind of makes me workout harder and maybe that's what they're doing. But like their voices in the way that they, like, yell at you just like bugs me. But at the same time, like, it literally makes me so mad that I'm like fuckin going hammie when I'm doing it. So, like, maybe they're onto something. But also working out outdoors for me is like really not.


I don't know if that's my favorite thing unless I'm like going for a run, but like it was so hot and like I got a rash on my face from it. And you know what, I'm being too negative. Let's do better. Let's actually get into questions from you guys. Somebody said, what TV show, movies, music do you turn on when you just want to zone out and feel better?


TV show?


I like things that are funny, like cartoons like Rick and Morty is a good one or, you know, something that's like almost I feel like cartoons are better because your brain, like, knows that it's not real. So you're not like, afraid of it. Like, let's say you watch like a scary movie when you're like anxious bad idea, you know what I mean? Because it's like unless it was like an animation I feel like an animation does in.


You feel more disconnected from it in a way like it feels fake, which is good, whereas like sometimes watching like real TV shows and like shit like that in movies can, like, make me more anxious. I've always been somebody that like to watch cartoons when I was anxious, like brick and mortar is a good one.


I mean. I don't know, there's so many, like, fun, little animated things that you can watch for adults or even for kids, like I even like to watch fucking SpongeBob, like watching SpongeBob, watching Wallace and Gromit, like things like that make me feel really calm when I'm anxious.


I also love watching cooking stuff. So like cooking videos, cooking, take talks, cooking YouTube videos, cooking series on TV, that really makes me feel safe.


Shows that are kind of like. Mindless, like the office or. That's kind of the only one I've ever watched that was like that, but like the office is a good one, too, because it's just really like. If it's not, it's just funny and it's lighthearted and it doesn't it feels not serious, you know, that's a good one, I don't know. And then as for music, I like to listen to really calm music, like things that are almost kind of emotional, like the band Beach House will make you cry, but like it makes you feel safe in a way or even like listening like Taman Paula or like MacroMarkets markelle albums and stuff like that.


Any chill music, Velvet Underground, stuff like that, that's just relaxing.


Anything that, like, doesn't make your nervous system go crazy, even like jazz, like French sounding jazz can be really nice. Know it sounds like random, but like French music, like the kind of old French music or like Frank Sinatra. Feels really good sometimes for your brain.


Yeah. Somebody said, my friend is in the hospital right now and I can't even visit her because of Korona, and I feel so fucking useless that I can't do anything to help her. What do I do?


Well, first, please forgive yourself for. The fact that you can't. Go and see her. OK, that is not your fault. That is absolutely not your fault, and you know that if you could, you would go visit her, but you can't. So forgive yourself for that and let go of that burden, because that is so unnecessary. And that's something I've been trying to do with all of my because I have the exact same mindset.


Even if it's not my fault, even if something is not my fault, I will still be like. It is my fault, though.


You know what I mean, and I blame myself for things that are out of my control. You are not in control of the fact that we are in a pandemic and that your friend is in the hospital. That's those are things that you cannot control. What you can control is being as helpful as you can. So checking in on her frequently, checking in on her, calling her, you know, face, timing her, sending her fun things to watch, let's say, like, you know, you could send her some movie recommendations, you could send her a playlist, you could send her flowers or maybe post made something to her hotel room.


I don't know if that's allowed at all. But anyway, stuff like that.


Do stuff that show that you care.


That make you feel good, you know what I mean, if calling her twice a day and sending her a playlist of sorts once a day, so like that's like three things that you can do for her per day, if that makes you feel good, do those things and just know that that's the best that you can do. And even those things show how good of a friend that you are. And you are a great friend for even thinking like this.


So forgive yourself and do those things. Somebody said advice on eating and not feeling bad about it. I haven't been eating more than one big snack in one. Big snake a day, I think they want one big meal and one big snack a day. I feel horrible if I eat more than that. I hope you're staying safe and I love you.


This is slightly triggering for some of you, so I want you to skip through it if it's something that you know is triggering for you.


Um. This is something that I totally understand because I've struggled with this on and off my whole life and. I think what you need to remember is that your brain is lying to you, OK? Your brain is telling you that like food is your enemy and that. If you eat, something bad will happen. And for me, eating and anxiety go hand in hand. So if my anxiety is really bad, then I start to get anxious about food.


And I started to become nit picky with what I'm eating and like I get really obsessive about it because I'm anxious and like that gives me something to, like, focus on. It's super twisted and weird, but it does happen to me. And so. You need to remember that your brain is lying to you. You need to eat. You'll die without it. You'll feel like shit without it. And it's actually a really amazing and beautiful thing. Food is something that is so enjoyable and it's so.


Fun and it's a social thing if you, you know, allow it to be whether you're cooking with your friends or your family or you're going out to a restaurant or anything like that, food is something that. I think in this day and age, you know, so many people associate it with the wrong things, but. Food is. A really great thing. And fixing your relationship with it is not an easy road, and I'm still on the road to making it as good as it can be, I mean, but it is a ongoing journey and it's hard to get yourself out of that spot.


But I would say what you should do is make a goal for yourself. So say, OK. I need to be eating. A little bit more so tomorrow I'm going to eat an extra snack that I wouldn't normally. I normally would do one meal and one snack, but tomorrow I'm going to do one meal and two snacks. See how that makes you feel. Wake up the next morning, realize, wait, that was totally fine. Nothing bad happened.


So then say, you know what, today I'm going to do two meals and one snack. Take it up a notch. See how it makes you feel you're going to realize this really isn't so bad, nothing bad is happening to me. I'm completely fine. I just keep. Trying to push your own limits with food and go out of your comfort zone. With it, like if your comfort zone is one big meal and one snack a day, go out of that right.


And try to add things to it. So, you know, one extra thing here tomorrow and then the next day, maybe switch it around and add another thing here until you're eating a sufficient amount of calories.


That are healthy for your body. And you're not limiting yourself and listen, it is an ongoing journey, and I know how hard it is and I. So hard. Like I this I can relate to more than probably anything like I really get it and it's it tortures you constantly, but.


Don't make goals that are unrealistic. Take it slow, be easy on yourself. Don't you know there's no need to, like, fix it overnight? Do it slow and steady and. That's what's always helped me. And I really wish you luck and I'm so sorry that you're going through this and. Be patient with the journey. OK, this is really interesting because. Well, we'll get into it, somebody said. I want to break up with my boyfriend, but he has my nudes, and that scares the shit out of me, I just need some advice or how I can do it.


I'm not happy anymore.


OK, so this is something that I've dealt with, not the nude element, but just feeling like somebody.


Like knows personal information about me or like whatever things that, like, are private to me that I don't want the whole world to know and this is scary. I know exactly. I have anxiety about this constantly and I have not cracked the code. But I'm going to give you some advice on how, you know, you can handle your direct situation, because I think the thing with nudes. Is that well, number one, you learned a valuable lesson, right?


What did you learn from this? The repercussions of sending a nude, it's not worth it, you know what I mean? And. It's really scary and. You don't want to have to deal with that down the line, and so I think that moving forward now, you know, OK, I'm not going to send nudes anymore. I'm I can fucking be nude in person. I don't need to be sending nudes.


It's going to damage me later possibly and make me anxious so I'm not going to do it anymore.


That's the first thing you've learned a lesson. That's a positive. OK.


But here's how you do it. I think the key is to be as civil about all of this as possible. You need to be like. I mean, number one, you can't stay in a relationship for a reason like that. I was talking to my friend the other day about. How they were staying in the relationship for the wrong reason, like a reason that was like, you know, that was not like because they love the person, it was because they wanted to avoid something very similar to your to your problem here.


And I realized I was like, you can't do that. You can't be in a relationship out of fear of what they're going to do when you break up, because trust me, I've done it and I would never do that again. Why? Because No. One, it's not healthy for you. Number two, it's not healthy for them. It's a super. Lose, lose, because you're going to break up eventually. So here's what I say you do break up with this person in the most civil way possible.


Be kind. Be honest. Don't raise your voice, just say, listen, I'm so sorry, but this is not. For me anymore, and, you know, I really appreciate the time that we had together, and I appreciate you as a person, I just don't think that this relationship is what I need in my life right now. I'm really sorry.


And I would really, really appreciate it if you could delete those photos right now in front of me because. It makes me really uncomfortable that you have them and I have been getting a lot of anxiety about it and I would really, really appreciate it if you delete them for me.


And if you have his nudes, you can say, and I will absolutely delete yours as well. I just think that this is better for both of us if we both know that those elements are gone. Now, listen, I don't know how this would go over. If he's a good guy, he'd be like for sure. If he's like, fuck no, like, fuck you, bitch. Here's the thing. You can't worry about things that are out of your control.


All you can do is hope. That he wouldn't do something like that. Nelson, listen, the way to deal with that anxiety is to look at it like this. Is it going to happen? Is he going to leak them or something? Probably not. But he might. Are you going to survive? Yes. Is it going to be tough? Yes, but you have to look at it in both ways, you have to realize the possibility, right?


There is a chance. But I think that if. You were honest with him that that was making you really upset? I really think that it would take a pretty fucked up human being not to delete them. And I hope for you that he does and. If he does in. He's a big piece of shit. But I say communication is key. Try your best to be on the same page with him about that. Somebody said, do you feel like you always live in L.A.?


No, I know I answered this like literally once an episode because people ask me this quite frequently in my answer changes every time I want to get out of this motherfucker so bad, I want to get out of here so bad. Somebody said, how do you deal with anxiety? When you're with a group of people or in public, this actually reminds me of when I was at Coachella now this year, obviously, because it didn't happen.


But last year and we were at the Billy Eilish set and I had a panic attack in the crowd because someone was like filming me. In like a really invasive way and like it just made me feel really it just triggered a panic attack for me.


And so what I did, it was tough because Coachella is like there's not a lot of places to escape. There's just people everywhere. But I actually walked to the bathroom by myself.


It was all the way across the field and took me like 15 minutes to walk there. But I just walked to the bathroom and I went into this bathroom stall and I sat down and I just closed my eyes and I called my mom. And then the reception barely worked because the reception at Coachella is terrible. But for some reason, calls were going through for me last year. I don't know how it's possible. And I did. I called my mom while on the toilet and I was like, I'm feeling really anxious.


And she kind of talked me down and made me feel better. And then I was able to reinsert myself into the public. But I think that the key is to.


Either have a second by yourself, find a little place that you can escape, whether it's going to the bathroom or, you know, maybe going in saying that you're getting something from your car, but just sitting in your car for a second, like having a moment to yourself can really help just to gather your thoughts.


Cool yourself down. Close your eyes, maybe like put a song on your phone and put it up to your ear and just listen to a song and focus on the song, focus on something else, focus on how many tiles are on the ground, count the tiles, count how many fuckin little metal holes you have on your shoes, like, you know, the little metal.


Holes, you know. You know, look at your hands. Focus on your hands. Focus on your legs. Like look just like focus on anything that's not.


Your anxiety in just kind of like get your mind off things for a second by yourself and take deep breaths and close your eyes, just try anything. And if you're like me and you know your anxiety. Feels better when you're talking to somebody, call someone and be like, listen, I need to talk this out real quick. Do you have a second and just talk through it? I'm really anxious about this.


This is this and. When you get it out and you talk about it, it'll help so much because it kind of puts everything into perspective. So that's what I do.


I hope that that helps. Somebody said, what do you do when you feel a lack of motivation about literally everything?


I had this for a few days when I was kind of going through my depressive episode and I, you know.


To be honest, it was like this time around, because it's different every time, but like I felt really guilty about the fact that I had no motivation because I have a lot of shit that I need to do. And I was doing none of it because I didn't have the stamina to do it. And I actually think what helped me.


I was going to the beach by myself, really, because. Even though I didn't really want to go. I went anyway, and I did that for myself because I knew that getting in the ocean would make me feel better.


And so I that's what I did. I jumped in the ocean, laid out for a little bit, got back in my car and went home. And I felt a lot better afterwards because I did that for me. And I push myself to get out of bed and do something that I knew would brighten my mood and maybe make me feel inspired.


The thing is, it's really hard when you're not motivated to, like, get yourself to even do something for you. And that's the tough part, it's not like, oh, I don't want to do my homework or I don't want to do my work in general, like, it's like, no, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get up and cook something I don't want to like. I get it. The thing is, if you make it a challenge to do like one of those things a day, it will make you feel better about yourself and it'll help bring the motivation back because you're like, you know what, I can do it.


And it actually felt good. But it's really hard because you tend to feel like, God, I don't have the energy to do that and I only have to do that.


So why would I do it? The thing is, you need to do some stuff for yourself, even if that's literally laying in bed and watching movies all day for a week, that might be what you need to recharge. But if that if you do that and it doesn't work, then that means it's time for you to get out of bed and do something for you. Go shopping, go to the thrift store, go to a coffee shop, hang out with a friend you haven't talked to in a while.


Whatever you think will be enjoyable for you, try to do something enjoyable, because I think when you're feeling unmotivated, it's because you don't have anything that you're looking forward to and you don't feel like, you know, anything's enjoyable. So it's hard to be motivated because you don't feel like there's joy in what you're doing. But if you try to find something that you feel like might bring you joy, chances are it will and you'll feel a lot better afterwards.


And then when you need to go, you know, do the tedious things of life, you'll have a lot more stamina mentally. Somebody said, do you get anxiety when you leave a store without buying anything?


Yes, I fucking hate it. Sometimes I literally buy things that I don't even want because I feel bad and that's not smart, so don't do that. I need to work on that. Somebody said, what's your favorite Girl Scout cookie? I like Samoa's and. The peanut butter ones. Forgot what those are called Tostitos or something? No, I don't think I was right. Somebody said, what do you think it's the right time to step it up with a guy, this can obviously go either way for guy, girl, whatever.


Like, I guess the question is like, how do you know when it's time to, like, take it to the next level with somebody that you're talking to?


I would say when you start to feel really strong feelings and like you don't want to talk to anybody else, like when you're like, I don't want to have anything to do with anyone else. I want to be with this person and this person only. I have only eyes for this person.


I think that's when you either make the relationship official or.


You know, you have a conversation to see if they're on the same page and maybe potentially work towards starting a relationship with this person, but when you're kind of like, I don't want to be with anyone else, that's when I think you step it up.


It's hard to do that, though. Like for me, I'm never the one that wants to say that shit. I'm always like, well, I will wait for the boy to do it and I will just sit here and know what I want, which is a relationship or not, who knows.


But. I will just wait for them to say it, um, I don't know if that's a bad thing, but anyway. Somebody said, I use sarcasm about myself way too often, the truth is that it's my coping mechanism and I make fun of myself so I don't give. The right to others, I've been struggling with my self-esteem for quite some time. Any thoughts on self-love? I mean, I made an episode about this kind of.


I think it was two episodes ago and listen, like kind of about my whole self-esteem issue and all that, but. The thing is, I think that self deprecation, I mean, I do this constantly, I mean, in real life in my videos, like I cannot accept a compliment, like it is really it's really tough.


And listen, I don't think that there's anything wrong with, like, a little bit of, you know, fun, harmless joking about yourself. But I think the key is just knowing that, like. Those things aren't true, like you can be kind of sarcastic about yourself and make fun of yourself in a way that isn't harmful to your self-esteem or that doesn't reflect your self-esteem. And I think the key is maybe.


Try to take a break from the self-deprecating jokes, because I think that those can get to your head. Because you start to say these things so often about yourself that they become real in your brain and I think for a while practiced saying nice things about yourself. Even if it's by yourself, like practice being like, oh, my hair looks good, not being like, well, my hair looks good but my skin looks like shit, you know what I mean?


But I guess I shouldn't like don't.


Practice those things when you're on your own and like looking in the mirror and saying nice things. And like, it's almost like retraining your brain and it sounds dumb, but it's it's really. It's replacing the mean and negative things that you say about yourself with nice things, and that goes a super long way, so try that out.


But I think overall self-esteem has to do with, like, there's so many different.


Variables, and it's such a constant journey and. You know, and I totally get it, and I'm struggling with it right now, I mean, I think what I'm really trying to do is focus on myself and my relationship with myself and growing that relationship with myself and truly being in tune with me, spending time by myself, going to the beach by myself.


I literally did that once and think I'm like a new fucking person. But I usually don't do shit like that because I usually when I'm by myself, I'm just like, please chill at home and whatever. But I'm trying to like do things with myself and realize that No one, I don't need anyone else and no to. I'm happy with who I am. Whether people are giving me compliments or they're saying something mean about me, I'm happy with who I am and like living that.


Being proud of myself, doing things that make me feel proud, things like that. Anyway, let's answer like a fun fucking question. I'm sick of all this dark shit.


OK, my last question is going to be also kind of depressing, but I really think this is important to touch on. Somebody said, do you get anxiety about people investigating too much into your life? I'm asking because I know it's something very personal for you, but does it ever make you anxious that people try to know everything? I love you. I love you, too. Yes, it does.


And this is one of the it's a huge cause of anxiety for me. And, you know, it is something that is inevitable in the space that I am in. And with the job that I have, not only calling it a job, but, you know, with the position that I'm in here.


It is natural for people to be curious about my life, and I understand that, and I you know, I get it, but it is really emotional for me. Because, number one, I refuse to talk about it because. I can't. It's I can't say that that is where I draw the line. I'll tell stories here and there once things are far enough in the past, but like no one, it's tough to do even that because I might tell a story.


And everybody might think that they know who it's about, but chances are that's not the case. And a lot of things have happened to me that no one knows about, there's a handful of things that people have known about. There's a handful of things that people have speculated about, but.


No one knows the truth except for me and that person. In those people and. No one knows. And people can guess all they want, but the thing is that I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to explain it, I don't want to explain every failed friendship in every failed relationship. I want to move forward. And I also want to respect the privacy of friends and, you know, people in my life that don't want the attention, I want to respect that.


Because. It would be selfish of me to bring people into this when they didn't sign up for it. And sometimes it's out of my control and sometimes things get taken out of context, and even if something is completely false, you know, there'll be a whole there's a whole narrative about it. And, you know, I understand it's it's. I did you know, this is something that I did like I'm. And I don't. I'm not angry at anybody about it, I don't like, you know, obviously, but it does make me anxious because it's something I don't want to talk about.


And I don't want to address it because think about it, if I had to address every single failed friendship and every single failed relationship in every single, I mean, I would have no other content.


I have to leave some things need to be private, and the problem is, is that. You know, that's really hard for. A lot of people to understand in a way, because they think that I'm so open about everything that like, you know, me not wanting to talk about a handful of things.


That's like, you know. People are like, what the fuck, but it's like, listen, I need to keep things private because. For not only the well-being of the other people, but also for the well-being of me and I don't want to feel like I'm being used for things I don't want to feel like because I'm always on edge, OK?


I'm always ready for me to figure out that someone used me. And sometimes you will even use me on accident. They don't even mean to. They might even genuinely care about me, but they're like, well, I also see an opportunity here, so it's like the whole thing is just crazy. I have to keep it private. And it does give me a lot of anxiety. But here's the thing. You know, at the end of the day, there's nothing I can do about people speculating or saying this or saying that I can't control I cannot control it.


There is nothing I can do, I could say anything about it, I could explain the whole situation. It wouldn't matter. It doesn't matter. People are going to believe what they want to believe, and I don't want to talk about it anyway. And you know what? Not to be an asshole, but it truly is my business. And yes, I put my self out on the Internet, but at the same time. I am, and I absolutely have the right to say this is my own private thing and I don't want to talk about it.


I'm allowed to say that and I'm allowed to feel like that I don't need to share those things if I do not want to. I don't. And I won't. Unless I like when I'm like 70 years old, I'll just come out and tell you all everything. And I can't wait. But not now. See you guys in 40 years. Anyway, I love you all, thank you for listening. Hopefully this episode wasn't too much of a Debbie Downer.


Tweet me some topics that you want me to talk about or tweet me questions.


The Twitter is at Podcast's. Leave us a little review on Apple podcast.


Five stars would be amazing and write a little note about, you know, maybe something that you want me to talk about or really anything. Feel free. Head down there. Check it out. And I'll see you guys next week. Thank you for listening, I love you guys a lot. And I know that there's a lot of anxiety and, you know. Pain in the air right now, and I think a lot of us are feeling it, and I just want you to know that we're all in this together.


We're going to get through this together and be patient with yourself through this time and through any time, to be honest.


And do something for yourself today, who gives a fuck about anybody else, you are your own best friend, your your own significant other. You're everything to yourself. You are the only person that you're going to have forever. That's guaranteed. So you might as well make that relationship as healthy as you can, trust me, I'm still working on it. It's not going so well for me, but I am trying to take my own advice.


I love you all. Have an amazing day. Peace out.