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Ramble, Hey, guys, welcome back to Anything Goes. Oh, my God. This is the first time I've talked today, and I think my voice needs to warm up a little bit. It's 8:00 in the morning, which. Is kind of crazy because I have never in my life been an early riser and recently, like within the past few months.


I'm waking up at, like, anywhere between 6:00 a.m. and like 830. Well. What the fuck? On what sick planet am I becoming like a responsible adult and waking up at a good hour? It's kind of terrifying, but I also love it. I love it. It literally is the best thing ever. It makes me feel so much better throughout the day. And then when I go to sleep at night, I hit my head on the pillow and I am sleeping immediately because I'm exhausted, because I woke up early.


It's amazing. But my voice does need to warm up a little bit. So, like, excuse it for how it is now. OK, well, hi, everyone, how are you all doing? Abacas are doing amazing. We missed a week last week and I wanted to talk about it, we missed a week last week because. I listen to the episode and I was like. I'm not obsessed with it, for one. And I also spent half the episode talking about something that I wasn't actually allowed to talk about, which I found out from my team, at some point I may be able to talk about it, just not right now.


It's not a big deal. It's not anything juicy or interesting. It was more just like me venting. And so we ditched the episode.


It literally it's not like you're missing something, like I know what people are interested in. OK, people are interested in drama relationships. Arguments, drama and drama, this had nothing to do with any of that. There was no drama. It was a literal thing that had to do with technically my work life. Therefore, y'all did not miss anything. Honestly, it was probably really boring anyway, so we're back this week, though. Thank you for letting me take a little break.


I missed you guys a lot. It genuinely made me sad not to be posting a podcast and seeing you guys be like, what the fuck? Where's the part? I was like, oh, my God, people like listening to my part. That feels amazing and. So I'm back speaking of like. Getting a few comments saying that they were missing the pod last week. I have really, truly become a massive podcast listener. Recently, I listened.


To podcasts more than I listen to music when I'm by myself, and I think it's because I love to have. The sound of human voices echoing throughout my house, like that's what I like and I like that because it makes me feel less alone when I'm in my home, even though I like to be alone.


But listen to this. This is what I like about podcasts. I like to be alone. But I also like. People talking like I like to talk to people, I like to hear different stories, whatever, blah, blah, blah, but doing that type of stuff in real life is exhausting for me, like talking to people that I don't really know in real life drains the fuck out of me. Couldn't be me. Absolutely could not be me, OK?


I mean, it is me. I do it all the time, but I really, really genuinely makes me tired and I need to like, recharge when I get home for at least like a day and a half any time I socialize. But here's the thing about podcasts. It feels like you're socializing in a sense because you're like listening to somebody talk. For however long, but if you want them to shut up, you can press pause on your phone when you're being social in real life, there's no pressing pause button on a real human being.


It's unfortunate, but you can't. So that's why I love podcast's. And listening to them. Because it's like I feel like I'm with people, but I don't actually have to be with them and it's kind of amazing, so I don't know.


And the other thing I realized while listening to podcasts is I don't even care what anyone's talking about.


If they have, like a relatively relaxing voice and are talking about something relatively interesting, like doesn't even have to be interesting, just kind of interesting. I mean, I just like having the the aura, the feeling of the voices around me. Agencies like Comforting So. If you guys have any good podcasts for me to listen to, let me know I'm kind of like stuck on a few of them and. I want to broaden, so if you guys have any recommendations, please let me know.


I also listen to my own podcast because I have to you before we post it. So that's another podcast I listen to. But unfortunately, listening to myself talk for an hour can sometimes make my nervous system go all over the place. Anyway, let's get into the real shit, let's get into the real that's actually no pun intended. Because this episode kind of has to do with Poupette, I'm not in a gross way, though I promise them to keep it not gross just in case you guys are eating anything of the sort.


I will be keeping it very, very PG. 13 no promises on PJI. OK, so here is what happened. Actually, we have to start from the beginning, so this weekend, all of my friends and I went to Joshua Tree, which is the desert for a little vacation. We rented an Airbnb. The Airbnb was fucking incredible. I found it. Randomly, like. A week, two weeks before we ended up leaving for the trip and like I've never been more proud of an Airbnb, I've found, like it was unreal.


What I didn't realize was that this home that we rented was more of like an art piece rather than a livable home. Let me explain. All of the furniture was not comfortable. All of the decorations were very fragile. All of the pots and pans for cooking, all of the spoons in the balls in the cups, delicate. And nice, like everything was kind of nice, which I didn't expect because, like I mean, there would be was, you know, I like based on the price there being, but I didn't think that it was going to be like that.


But apparently the owners of the home are like architects and like interior designers. And so they made this place like dope as fuck and like it was beautiful. This home was not designed for six people. This home was designed for like one couple Max. OK, let me explain. None of the doors are locked. OK, so with six people around, sometimes you need a little bit of privacy. There was none in this place because. Literally like.


You couldn't lock yourself in to anywhere, so you need to change if you need to, whatever, there is no privacy, not to mention every room has massive windows that you can see into from the outside of the house. So, like, if you're changing, there's a decent chance that somebody is going to see you changing. That scares the shit out of me. There were three bathrooms. In this place, one was an outdoor bathroom that had no door, really cool, though.


Super beautiful, but Nador. And there was a shower and a toilet in there in a sink. The second bathroom was a normal functioning bathroom, a door that doesn't lock, unfortunately, but there was a door and the toilet in the shower, whatever, that was great. And then the last bathroom was just. Behind a wall, but there was no door. So, like, anyone could just walk right in. Listen. I am a 19 year old girl.


The idea of me using the restroom. In general, but mainly the more extreme type of using the restroom. Let's say no to. To be gentle, right, the thought of me, no to ing, OK, um. In a bathroom that has no door when. All of my friends are around. I mean, I love my friends, I'm very close with all of them, but. The thought of me going number two in a bathroom with no door couldn't have been me, right?


So there's basically one bathroom option for me and it was the one with the door. I went in there probably seven or eight times throughout the trip and just was like, Emma, you need to go.


No, to like your body is holding all of it. You'd need to just let it go. You need to just be free. You need to because you're uncomfortable. It's hurting your tummy that you're not letting it go.


You know, you're holding on for dear life because your body knows that. There's a lot of things that could go wrong, toilet could get clogged. A. A lot of things go wrong. I did not use the restroom. Once that entire. My body held on for dear life, and it was great because I walked in. To my home, once we got home from the trip and I immediately sat on the toilet, it was like nothing was wrong.


Why is that? Why did my body know to just shut itself off? In the company of all my friends, it knew it was like, no, Šamaš, you don't want to do this. No, you don't want to do this. You can't you can't do this, I even tried to use the outdoor toilet at one point because everybody was saying like, oh no, you need to go no to go to the outdoor toilet. That's the move.


And I tried it and I couldn't because there was no door. No, I need privacy when I'm when I'm doing that, you know what I mean? Peeing, I could be anywhere. I could be standing up, I could be sitting down. I could pee, like with one of my legs, like dangling off a cliff. Like, I can literally pee in any scenario. I can be with someone sitting on my lap. I can pee with somebody slapping me in the face.


I could be with somebody tickling my armpit. I can pee at any there's no limit to when I pee. But when it comes to number two, it could I couldn't do it, and I wonder who else on the trip with me. Could not poop. I kind of want to text in the group chat and be like, which one of y'all couldn't couldn't make that happen? Because, like, I want to know if I'm the only one.


I was kind of mortified, too, I was like, Emma, are you like two years old, like everybody does this, everyone poops and I don't have an issue with pooping around other people, but like, this situation was just the least privacy you could imagine. And, like, I just couldn't do it. The fact that the door didn't lock and that someone could walk in at any time and find me in the middle of my moment.


Was like beyond excruciating for me. So, alas, I did not. Poop the entire trip. Thank you to Doordarshan Dash for sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes as Human Beings, we have a lot of things that we need to do on a day to day basis laundry, running, errands, cleaning, all that. Being a human isn't easy. OK, so why don't you give yourself one less thing to worry about and let daughters take care of your next meal?


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I love y'all.


And I maybe used you guys a little bit too much.


Another thing that happened on this trip was one night for dinner. Me and Olivia, my friend Olivia, were cooking dinner and.


We made pizzas, but because this Airbnb. Was not made for living in right, like the refrigerator was literally like three feet by two feet, like it was tiny fridge, like everything was very like not functional. Right, anyway. There was no.


Of inmate. And me and Olivia made pizza. And. It was time to take it out of the oven. And we were like, wait a minute, what what do we owe, what are we going to do? So I was like, you know what? I'm gonna use paper towels. I'm just going to rob a bunch of paper towels around my hand and grab it. Well, don't do that because it slipped out of my hand and the pizzas fell face down onto the floor.


And mean alleviate them. We ate them in front of everyone because we were so hungry that were like, you know what? Let's just peel this thing off the ground, let's eat it, you know? We did. Don't do that. I don't think that's good. I don't think you are supposed to do that. But that's definitely one of my favorite memories from the trip. What's my other favorite memory, peeing in the outdoor toilet? And clogging it, and then later, one other member of our trip going poop in the toilet.


Clogging it even worse and then everybody blaming the clog on him. When in reality, it was kind of my fault because I'm the one. Well, I don't know if it was my fault, though, because I think the toilet was clogged even before. I used it because I just peed and I had like a tiny piece of toilet paper, like there was nothing whatever, and I flushed and it just didn't flush. So I feel like somebody else might have clogged it.


So that's something that I'm going to need to figure out, but. I clogged it and then he went and then he clogger even worse, next thing you know, the whole entire. The whole group is just laughing at him, and I was like, well. You guys cannot discredit my PP time that started this whole thing off, you know what I mean? OK, so here's the next thing I want to talk about on this trip, I posted multiple Instagram photos on my stories, on my feed, whatever, actually only one so far, but probably post another one at some point anyway.


And everybody's like, Emma, you got lip injections, like, stop lying. Yeah, I did in. Swear to God, I did not get lip injections. But what I did do. Was learn how to make it look like I did in my Instagram, because I have this way, it happens subconsciously. Now there's a way that I fucking. I don't know when I'm doing it. But I like the way that I posed for photos like my default pose now for my face I like, but I'm going to do it in the mirror, in front of a mirror, right next to a mirror.


I don't know, OK, we I can't I can't recreate it, I just tried to do it in the mirror. I can't do it. But I do this thing with my mouth and it's very slight, but it makes my lips look bigger. And I don't even realize that I'm doing it. But then it makes my lips look bigger and then everybody's like, you got lip injections, shut up. And I'm like, No, no, no, guys, I'm just playing the game here.


OK, and I'm puffing those babies out a little bit, right, but not in a way where it looks obvious, though, I had this perfect balance that's fooling the masses. I don't even need to edit the damn photo, it is like that I have figured it out and but it's not even like I meant to like I did it on accident, but then, like. Everybody's always like your lips don't look like that, and I'm like, yeah, no, they don't because I'm puffing them out on accident.


But is it an accident? I don't know, but I also sunburnt my lips like bad on this trip because I didn't wear sunscreen and my lips are like burnt to a crisp right now. They're so crusty and gross, it's like sad. But that also made them look swollen and big. I also was having allergies while I was there a little bit. Everybody was because we were in the desert and there's a lot of different pollen, so that also made them swollen.


So this whole beautiful combination made me look like I had a little injection in there, which is totally fine. There's nothing wrong with getting injections, but I don't want to do it and I stand by that. But if I ever do change my mind and I'm like. Oh, my alarm just went off, my alarms went off because it's eight thirty and my body was like body and brain. Didn't expect me to wake up this early. So now I'm here in my alarms are going off.


But I just think it's so funny because it's like, listen, that just proves like not everything.


Even like if you don't Photoshop, even if because I don't Photoshop, the only thing I own Will Photoshop is like if I have hairy legs and like I want to smooth it, I do do that occasionally or like in my last Instagram post.


Oh my God, I don't even want to tell this story.


But I'm going to I. My bikini bottoms were riding up in all the wrong places, right, because my bikini bottoms were extremely thin and so it was just really revealing. So I did edit my vagina a little bit to make it just a little bit more PG. Right. That I did do, and I will occasionally like, you know, if I have like. My legs are just hairy. I'll edit out like a spot of my leg just to make it look a little bit like I won't edit my whole fuckin leg, I don't even think I've ever done that, actually.


I don't think I've actually ever. I don't think. Have I feel like I might have, but I don't even think I ever posted the photo because I think I couldn't figure out how to Photoshop out the leg hair where it looked natural.


So then I was like, fuck it, I'm just not going to post a photo. But like, still, it doesn't matter. Social media photos that you see, not real life, because I didn't edit my photos except for my vagina and that one. But like nothing else, like there is it's not like I edited my lips nothing. But it's about the way that I posed and it's still a fucking lie. You know what I mean, it's still a lie.


Because, like, my lips don't look. Popped out when I'm fucking or pouty, you know, sense when I'm just sitting around doing nothing. You know, they look normal, but in a photo, I'm like, turn it on, bitch, and I just go and I go crazy. But it's still something to think about. Like, you know, you choose your best moments, you know, your angles, blah, blah, blah.


And so Instagram is not real life and that's the fucking point blank period of it all. Just because you know, something doesn't look, you know what I mean, like, it just. It's its social media is just very vague, but what I've found is that. There's an art in the illusion, right? There's something fun about the illusion. Even looking at other people's illusions that they've created, like think about somebody in your head who has a very amazingly beautiful Instagram account and it looks like their life is perfect and they have everything together and that they're so smart and, you know.


Fuckin. Whatever, and they just have their aesthetic perfectly, right, they have it down perfectly, OK? They there. It doesn't matter like they probably saw a bunch of shit that they're dealing with, they could be a terrible person, they could be the best person ever but be, you know, depressed and be, like, fucking sad all the time. But their Instagram makes it look like they have no issues, like you just don't know, you know what I mean?


It's so easy to make like a fake reality on Instagram. I mean, even like me being on this trip. Right. Like I'm posting photos from this trip, it looks like it was like a perfect trip. Well, we dropped the pizza on the floor and we ate it. And I didn't poop the whole time. Like, that's the truth of it. Right, but on Instagram, it looks fucking amazing and to be completely honest with you, I used to feel like there was something wrong with that, like there was something really wrong with creating an illusion.


I still do. But I think that sometimes you can appreciate once you realize that everything on Instagram is an illusion, you can appreciate it as almost like someone creating a story. Like as long as you know that it's not reality, then you can appreciate it. And this is more pertaining to like everything looking perfect in aesthetic and beautiful. I'm not really talking about, like, editing your body to look completely different than it really looks like, because that has a whole nother, you know, level of like.


Damage that it can do to people, right, but when it comes to like. Creating a really nice aesthetic and like, you know, making everything look dreamy. There's an art in that, and I think that that should be appreciated. I don't think that that's something that's harming anyone. It could harm someone because somebody could be like God, like their life is so perfect. Like, all they do is just like. Bask in the sun and, you know, wear outfits that are cute and shit like, you know, it can harm people like that.


But once you realize that. That's all an artistic allusion. Then you can appreciate. That and you can appreciate what other people create. And the vibe that people create in something like I think that's really inspiring and I know my friend Deon came into town. He was in L.A. for a little bit and. He has the most beautiful Instagram, like the most beautiful Instagram like it. It's like every photo is perfect and like, you know, whatever, but.


It is like captions, you know, he'll talk about like real things. And he'll, like kind of get deep in there, and I just think that's so inspiring and smart and, you know. He's honest about. The truth of his life. While he has this like. Creative world. On his Instagram, that, like, seems perfect, like he has that balance and so that's just like really cool to me. But also he's a real human being, you know what I mean?


Like, he yes. His Instagram is like very perfect, but like. There's a human behind that, and he tries to show that and he does show that, and I just think that that's really cool. While still, like, enjoying the. Art of like creating a. A world on Instagram, you know what I mean? I don't know, I've always really liked that. I've always liked kind of like trying to make my Instagram look cool and almost be like the life that I wish I had, in a sense.


I've always like like trying to do that since I was literally like 15, I remember I went on a trip to the Dominican Republic with my mom and. The trip was great, but like on my Instagram, it looked like I. Was flown out to the Dominican Republic by the Kardashians and. Was like being carried around on like. A fluffy chair the whole time, like that's the way that I made the trip look in reality, was a normal fucking trip with my mom and it was great, but like, that's what it was.


But like, creating that illusion is really fucking fun, but in an artistic and inspiring way, not in like a damaging way, like. Everything every photo was a real photo, but it was about making the location that we were in. Look, the way that I want it to and feel the way I want it to, right, and that's I've always liked that and I like, you know, taking cool photos that are pretty and all that shit, like, I always just loved that.


So I don't know. I mean, it's just something to keep in mind, like, you know. But it's not necessarily reality, but it's also like not damaging anyone, but I think the honesty is important being like, you know, this trip, I just didn't poop the whole time.


That's all I remember. Even though on Instagram it looked completely different, you know what I mean? Anyway, I don't know of anything that I just said made sense. Thank you to people for sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes, I've recently found the importance of making sure that the people I love feel taken care of, whether that's like sending a nice text, giving them a call, helping them organize their place, whatever it may be.


Helping the people I love recently has been a very large priority, although things around us may be changing rapidly and in a very scary way, our inner drive to be there for the people that we care about definitely runs deeper than ever. It's also been really cool to see, you know, the community around us come together and help one another with all the stuff that's going on. It's been really inspiring to see people making donations. And I've made some donations and just trying to give back to the community as much as possible.


I mean, even buying from local businesses. When we come together as a community, we empower ourselves to make meaningful change. Our normal has definitely changed, which is kind of made us have to find new ways to connect and continue to support one another. For example, we've started social distancing when we spend time with our friends or explore different restaurants that are local in our area. And we're doing more to support and advocate for underrepresented communities. Basically what we need more than ever is an easy way to support each other from afar.


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I use y'all constantly and I appreciate what you guys are doing for the world. Thank you, PayPal. I don't know how you went from the fact that I. I hope he said bless you to me. Thank you. Uh. I don't know how he got from me puffing my lips out in photos to. My appreciation for Instagram illusions, I don't know how we got there, but anyway, one last thing before we get into questions.


I woke up one morning on this trip. And I go into the bathroom. And I look at my ear because it felt a little bit sore because I have a lot of piercings, as you guys probably know, and. One of my cartilage piercings is gone. And I'm like, what it fall out, but it feels like it's in there, I reach behind my ear and I touch and I feel there's an earring back, but on the front of my ear, you can't see any piercing.


And I had a tiny little diamond stud fake diamond said, of course, of little tiny fake diamond stud. Piercing in their right. And like was nowhere to be found, but yet my earring back was still in and I could feel the earring in my ear, but I couldn't see the. Front of the heering and I was like, did the earring break and did like the diamond part fall off? And that's why, like, I can't see it.


Well, I end up feeling around and I pushed from the back of the piercing to see, like, if it was in my skin, it was in my skin. When I was sleeping, my earring got pulled through my ear and it was like the diamond part was in the mirror. It was in my skin. And it went halfway through my skin, it had went halfway through my fucking skin, and so I had to push it back through.


And it hurts so bad. And I'm like in there and my eyes are watering, I'm like crying, trying to get this piercing, no one knew I was like the first one to wake up and that was what I was dealing with.


So anyway. Traumatizing. And then I also got a new piercing recently in, like this really random spot, I don't even know what it's called. It's like in the hollow part of your ear. If you look at your ear, there's like the cartilage and then there's like the ear lobe on the bottom. And then there's like that. Kind of hollow area in your ear that, like, leads to your ear hole? Well, I got a piercing in there, fell out, gone.


I also cracked my phone on this trip. I don't even know, like I. Couldn't tell you what happened. I mean, I like I don't even know, like when all that shit happened. Like, I literally cracked my phone at some point and I didn't notice and, you know, what was funny is probably because I probably dropped my phone on the ground and then immediately, like, put it back on the counter and didn't look at it because I literally didn't go on my phone once the entire trip and then just didn't notice.


But still, I was like, that is insane to me. Like, why did it look like I got put in a blender for 20 minutes? I don't know. It didn't make sense, but alas. I'm home, I'm sad to be home, but also, you know, time to get back to work, I was only gone for like 50 hours total, but. My thing is I'm going to continue to post photos from it so that people still think that I'm there so that I can have a little bit more time to myself without people asking me to hang out because I refuse to hang out with anyone anymore.


I can't. I don't I can't do it. I cannot. Cannot do it. I hate being social, I fucking hate it, I never want to be social again. I just like being with my few people that I love in a safe, warm environment and just telling them how much I love them in sitting down and not talking to anyone else like that is what I like.


I don't like being social. I hate it. I don't like it. I quit. I wonder if that's a part of getting older, because I always used to be the biggest social butterfly. Like, I just wanted to, like, meet everyone, talk to anyone, and to be completely honest with you guys. I think that it's finding like people in your life that you love in that you. Feel comfortable with in like content with and those people filling you up.


To a point where, like, you don't need to go out in, like, be social because you're getting that. From the people in your life that you love and you don't need it elsewhere, so then it's hard to want to go out and be social because you're like, well, I already get what I need from the people in my life. I don't need to like. Go meet new people or like go hang out with people that don't make me feel good because it's like.


Why do that? You know. It may maybe that's not a good thing, but I also think that, like, if that's what my body in my mind wants right now, so be it.


I just will hang out with anyone.


I'd rather I would literally rather be home for a week straight than hang out with anyone right now. And that is not something that should hurt anyone's feelings. Like it's not personal. I just don't have the energy right now to do it, and that's OK, and I've learned to accept it and everybody else better accept it. And if they hate me for it, then they fucking hate me for it. This is what my mind and body needs.


Point blank, period. I think we can answer some questions, what do you guys think? Somebody said advice on being a senior and being afraid to graduate and go into the real world. I never experienced this, you know, in a way that was like. I'll say it relatable, like I had a very unique. Transfer from being in school, being under my parent's roof to like being on my own, it was very, very different.


And it's because, you know, I had the means to be independent a lot earlier than I expected. So I was kind of just shoved into it, but. I'm going to try to give you advice anyway, because I feel like I might have something comforting to say, hopefully you can let me know.


Going into the real world is really not that scary. It can feel lonely. It can be tough. There's a lot of things to learn and there's a lot of things that you don't know until you're out and you're doing it. There's so many nobody can tell you everything. Nobody can give you every piece of advice you're going to need. You're going to be going out there a little bit unprepared and that's inevitable. But you also have to remember, no one, everyone does this.


This is such a normal part of becoming an adult is going out into the world and fending for yourself, everyone does it. So remind yourself that if everyone else can do it, I can fucking do it. That's number one, but number two, you have a support system, you know what I mean? You have your family, you hopefully have some good friends around you. If not, your family's enough. Lean on them when you need them in the beginning.


Don't be afraid to lean on them. You're not it's not like you wake up one day, you move out and then you just are on your own. No, you still have those people that are supporting you now to support you. When you're going through this journey, lean on them as much as you need. That's what they're there for. OK, that's super important because they feel like people think that they need you to handle everything on their own, know if you need to ask questions, if you need to just talk.


Those people are there for you, right? You are going to be totally fine, and it's actually so exciting and fun to finally have that adult independence, it is something to be so excited for. I feel like I've had some of my best memories in life having the independence that I have, because I wouldn't have had those memories and wouldn't have made those memories without the independence that I have. Whether it's going to a diner really early in the morning or really late at night with my friends or going on drives with my friends at like 2:00 in the morning or.


Going grocery shopping by myself and like all of that, like all of those memories are like really amazing, or even the moments of me like fucking crying in my bed by myself, not talking to anybody. Those are beautiful memories to me. Those are times when I found myself in ways that, like, I never expected to do. So, like there's so much learning in growth and like memories to be made like it is nothing to be afraid of.


I totally understand the fear, but you're going to be completely fine and it's going to be really, truly amazing. It's also what you make of it. So if you go into it like I'm going to make this the best situation that it possibly can be, it will become that. Somebody said, how did you know you're ready to start dating? I have been going through mental health issues, plus any time someone gets close to me, I get anxious and back out of the relationship.


Thank you so much. I love you. I think that a really good sign that you're ready to be in a relationship is if you don't really want one. You're kind of like a I don't want one. No, I it's I'm fine on my own. I don't really want one. And then somebody will come in and be like, hey.


And then you're like, wait, now I kind of want to date this person because I love them so much. And. They're so great and they make me happy and they treat me well, X, Y and Z. I want to like. Date them, even though I wanted to be single. The problem is, if you go into a relationship and you're like seeking a relationship, I think occasionally that can make sense. If you're somebody who, like, has spent a lot of time finding themselves first and then they're like, you know what?


I want to, like, share this joy with someone else. Right? Like, I want to like. I'm ready like I'm old enough, I'm ready, whatever, like I want to. Be in a relationship with somebody if I find someone, right? I think that that can be good, but I think that. For most people and me included. If I'm looking for a relationship, I'll get into something that I shouldn't be. And I'll like wrap myself up into something out of almost desperate measures.


And then it does it's not good because if you're getting into a relationship, because you're just desperate for some sort of comfort or some sort of affection, that's not good. And I've done that. I've been like, fuck this, I don't even care, I'll date anyone because I just like. That's actually not true, not date anyone. But I've been in spots where I'm like, if I find a guy that I like, like, I have no reason to not date immediately because I just want.


Some stability in my life, and I want. To be in a relationship because I like dating, I don't like being I like being OK either like being single and talking to no one. Not one dude single and talking to no one, nobody at all, or being in a relationship, I don't like the in between. I don't like being like, oh, there's like I like singles. I'm going to go out and be social and like talk to like seven guys.


Like, I hate that. And it never works for me and it makes me feel like shit and I don't like it. That's me personally, no judgment at all to people who love that I know so many people who love that and it makes them thrive and they fuck with it and I totally get it. But I am not like that. I like I want to find somebody who I can rely on. I like to find someone who's going to, like, be reliable, who I can, like, go back to and know that they're always going to be there for me, at least throughout our relationship.


I want to know that, like, the person I'm talking to has my back right now, you know what I mean? Obviously, things can change. Nothing is. Set in stone in life, anything could change tomorrow, and that's something that my anxiety hates and has a lot of trouble with, but. I like that stability. OK, and so I crave that, but I also have that on my own, either have that completely on my own or I have that in a healthy relationship.


Those are the two states in life where I can find that feeling of, like, true. Comfort and safety, so I got to a place where I was like, I'm not going to be in a relationship unless this motherfucker I feel like I can trust them. You never know for sure you don't know anything. And that also is another thing. Anxiety. Hate's is that like, you know, you don't know, right, but. If you are at a place where you're like.


I am happy being by myself. I'm happy being single. And then someone comes in and kind of takes you by surprise. That's how you know that you're not desperate for something and that you know that you're acting on your love and feeling towards this person in not out of desperate times. Because it's normal to get desperate and be like, fuck, I just want something, I want to feel something, I get that. But you're going to end up making a decision.


You're going to get hurt, basically, and you're ready when you know that you could be fine by yourself and you could be fine with or without this person.


That's another really important thing in a relationship you need to remember in a relationship in the beginning of a relationship, whatever, when you're talking to somebody, even as long as you in your head. No. That you would be fine. If tomorrow you had to be alone, would you fucking hate it and would it hurt more than anything ever? Yes, but you have to remember, I wouldn't I would figure it out. I don't want to have to figure it out, and I fucking sure as hell hope I never have to, but I know that I would survive it.


Even if you are like, so fucking in love with this person, you have to remember that, like even if tomorrow they were like, never mind, fuck you, I'm out of here.


Which usually doesn't happen if you're talking to somebody who's a good person. You still have to remember, if they left tomorrow, I could go back to being by myself and I would survive even if it hurt me really, really fucking bad, I could figure it out. Because somebody. When you have trust issues and shit like that. Getting into a relationship is messy. Not even necessarily for the other person, but for you, because you're like, oh fuck, I have a lot to work through.


And I think this super normal and I mean. I know. I mean everyone I know. Has this problem, it's so normal to, like, get into a relationship after being in a few in your life and getting into a finally getting into a good relationship or one that you think is good. Right. And then all of a sudden you're like, wait. I don't know if I believe it. Because I've only ever been fucked over or things have only ever not really worked out.


Why should I try this again? I don't believe this, you know what I mean, you're skeptical. That's normal and the only way to untrain yourself. From the relationship, trust issues that you have is to be in a healthy relationship, unfortunately. That's the only way to unlearn you cannot. Expect to learn. That stuff. Without being. Proved wrong by somebody new. And I truly believe that I think it would be really hard to unlearn your trust issues without being in a healthy relationship.


I don't know if that's true. That's just my personal experience.


I don't think that you can figure that out on your own, because when you're single, you're not like. Tapped into that part of your brain. Where you're like, holy fuck, I'm like in love with this person in like, if they I'm so scared, I'm scared, I'm scared, you don't tap into that when you're just single. You're like, oh, I love myself and I like love my pets and I love my family and my friends and like, I love my life and like what?


You're just like having fun with that. But you're not tapped into the love part because there's nobody triggering that. You have to learn that you can't. But then you like, you know, get feelings for somebody and then you're like, oh, fuck, I have crazy trust issues. I didn't realize this because I wasn't in a relationship before and now I'm in a relationship and I'm like, oh, fuck, this is uncomfortable because I'm now having to work through all this shit.


Ouch. Here's my my closing statement, because that was a lot, that was a lot, you know, you're ready to start dating when you know that you could be happy without anyone in your life. And you're not. Searching for it and it stumbles into your lap. And it just makes sense. Not when you're looking every day trying to find it. Fucking desperate for it. That's you're not ready, then you're ready when? You're indifferent and you're like, if I found someone cool, but like, I'm happy alone right now.


That's when you know. And as for your element about getting anxious and backing out of what could be a relationship. You're never going to know what it could be until you try. And as long as you're honest with yourself about the red flags. And you are aware of them getting into something? And you back out then, as long as you're making your decision based off red flags and not based off your trust issues. You're golden because if you have red flags from the beginning and you're like, this is not right, like there's something off here.


Get the fuck out. Because I always thought I was like, oh, my God. There's no way for there not to be red flags. Like, there has to be a few, right? I always believe that, like, red flags were like. Industry standard, like I thought that it was just like inevitable, that is not true. Yeah. There is not always red flags. It's hard to find, it is hard to find, but there are not always red flags.


So. Try to find someone who has no red flags, and if you cannot figure out a red flag with this person in the moment that you're thinking about it. Then it's probably just your trust issues, talking to you, being like you don't want to do this again, you're going to get hurt again, you're going to get hurt again. If you don't see any red flags, you go for it, you have no idea who this person could end up being in your life, you could marry this motherfucker.


Who knows? I'm moving on. That was a lot. Somebody said, is there an any app that you hate to use but use anyways? Twitter, I hate Twitter, I do not like it. I hate it, I love it for the podcast, it's amazing for the podcast, but just like randomly tweeting hate, it gives me so much anxiety. Twitter is easily the most toxic platform that exists. I don't like Twitter. I stay off of it as much as possible.


Somebody said, what was it like to release a planner, you know, funny story, I have this weird thing where if I work on something for a really, really long time, by the time that I put it out, I'm like, oh, my God, I don't even know anymore.


Like, I don't even know if I like it anymore.


I'm like I, like have worked on this for so long that, like, now I'm starting to have my doubts and I always do that. And I used to happen with my videos when I'd edit a video for like. You know, 40 hours and then finally it'd be time to post and I'd be like. I don't even think I like it anymore, and I think with the planner, part of my brain did that a little bit. It was kind of like I worked on the planet for almost a year, if not even a little more than a year.


And by the time it finally came out, it was so surreal. Because I've been working on it for so long that I almost was like I was kind of sick of it in a sense, because I was like I have been working on this for so long that now I'm like not excited about the idea anymore because I've been just staring at it and working on it for a year, you know what I mean? But seeing everybody get them and be so excited about them and love them so much and, you know, seeing all you guys in Target, picking them up like it's been so fucking cool.


And it really reminded me like a just because you've been staring at something for a year doesn't mean that everybody else has. Nobody else has nobody else has seen it. So, like, this is the first time everyone else is seeing it. Just because you've been staring at it forever doesn't in it's old to you now, it's not like that for everyone else. And so I've been trying to remember that with everything that I'm doing. And I'm just so excited that you guys are fucking with it.


And that's just like so cool because it was such a one off project. Do so random. So seeing you guys be pumped about it is just so cool. I. I mean, it's even the same thing with Chamberlain coffee, I mean, mark your calendars for Sunday, there's something pretty big coming and I've never been more excited for something in my life. But at the same time, I've been staring at it for so long and like working on it for so long that now I'm like scared because I'm like, holy shit, the world's about to see this.


And like, my brain's all jumbled because I've been working on this for months and now everybody's going to see it. And I'm like. This doesn't even feel real, like I don't even know, like hopefully everybody likes it, like I don't even know how I feel anymore. I know all this Jeremy Lin covid thing. I am like I am obsessed. So I don't know. This is a very unique experience where I'm not having that complex. But still, when you work on something for a really long time, it starts to make you second guess.


And I'm learning that that's not healthy, you know what I mean? But anyway. Somebody said, I've been dealing with internalized sexism and homophobia. Do you have any advice on how to get past those things? So I feel comfortable with myself. Also, I love you in the podcast. Love you so much. I have not dealt with this personally. But I think that this. Issue of judging yourself and. Inner self-loathing, in a sense, is just universal.


I mean, I think everybody deals with this and whether it's your body, whether it's your career, whether it's your relationships in your life and like feeling bad about those, like no matter what it is, it's so normal for your mind to cling to something that you hate about yourself.


But based on what I can see here, you're having issues with your sexuality and with your gender.


Those are things that are so out of your control and also there is not one sex. Or one sexuality. That is not the same as the other. Does that make sense, like. Your sexuality and your gender are exactly what make you you and obviously in those things are up for your whatever you want them to be. It doesn't matter. There's so much more. To a human being than those things, those are OK, think about when you're making a friend, right?


Are you concerned about their gender or about their sexuality, or are you concerned about how they treat you as a friend?


You're concerned about how they treat you as a friend. You are not worried about all that shit that has nothing to do with who you are as a person, it has just as much to do with who you are as you want it to. It is nothing but really, it has nothing to do with your identity, who you are is based on how you treat others. And how you. Helped the world and how you make the world a better place and how.


You decide to express yourself, that's what it is. OK, so never, ever. Look in the mirror and judge yourself for those things because. No one. They are what they are. In number two. Any person on this planet. Who gives you a hard time about your gender or your sexuality is not a person that you need to have in your life, for one, it is not a good person, OK, because that does not matter.


Imagine this. Imagine you. Meeting somebody who maybe has a different sexuality than you or a different gender than you. Imagine meeting somebody on the street. And them being so fucking nice to you, maybe them like maybe, let's say you dropped your credit card and they picked it up for you and they handed it to you and they were a different gender, a different sexuality. Would you be, like any less grateful for what they did for, you know, they just picked up your credit card off the ground?


It's a very nice thing to do. Who cares about that part? That doesn't matter. Imagine going to one of your friends who is a different gender or different sexuality than you and judging them for that. Imagine that would you do that? I don't think so. Imagine yourself as a small baby, imagine yourself as a child right now as like a fucking three year old. Would you talk to that three year old and be like.


Hey, I am judging you for your gender and your sexuality, I'm judging you for those two things, and I don't like it. Would you ever say that to your younger self? No. You'd be kind of your younger self. I would hope there is nothing to be ashamed of and.


This is nothing to judge yourself for, there are so many more important things to be judging yourself for, how you treat others, how you're treating yourself, those are all things that you need to be checking in on, not like who you're attracted to and how you were born or how you decide to express yourself. Those are all things. To be proud of. Truly. And I don't care what anyone else says, I love you for exactly who you are.


And I don't care about any of that shit. That does not matter, and it's something to be proud of and it's something to praise and it's something to celebrate point blank period.


Somebody said, how are you? I'm actually doing a lot better. My whole life. I've been a relatively anxious person. But within the last few months, my anxiety has gotten a lot worse. And. I can't put a finger on why. I don't know if it's just the quarantine, but we're not even really in quarantine anymore, I guess we kind of are. I don't know if it's the covid blues, I don't know if it's. Hmm, I don't know if it's all the self reflection I've been doing, I don't exactly know where the anxiety is stemming from, but my anxiety is pretty bad and.


That's something that I'm really trying to figure out right now, and it's been tough because I'm going through this phase right now where I'm like working through my anxiety, trying to figure that out. But simultaneously, I career wise and like YouTube, Chamberlain coffee, podcasts. All of those things are like. Going through extremely pivotal moments. Like. Chairman Coffee is about to change night and day, you're not even going to recognize that bitch. My YouTube channel, I'm kind of feeling like I need.


To switch up the format, I'm like, you know what, I've been doing the same shit for so many years, I kind of want to. Try something new with it. I don't know what that means yet, but I've been feeling like that for about a month, and so that's something that I'm thinking about, you know what I mean? And my life has also changed a lot. I went from somebody who liked to be social constantly and.


Like, constantly needed. To be around people and all that to being somebody who prefers to be by myself and loves a very small group of people and likes to be with them and likes to do share with them, and that's the end that I've kind of like. I think it's just honestly, I feel like it's kind of like me shifting into being an adult. I feel like I'm maturing a lot right now. I feel like I've felt this like.


Shift in my mind. Where I feel like I'm getting older and this doesn't happen to me a lot, but I do feel it every once in a while, every few months, once a year, like, it depends.


But like, I'm definitely feeling it right now. I'm feeling that shift happening where I feel like I'm I'm maturing a little bit. And that affects everything. It makes me anxious because it's like, holy shit. Like my brain feels a little bit different.


That's anxiety provoking also as I'm maturing. Things with my YouTube, Instagram. Podcast company, Chamberland, Coffee, Mirch, fucking whatever the fuck projects I want to work on, brands I want to work with versus don't want to work with, like everything's changing and evolving right in front of my eyes. And it's all happening very quickly. I'm also working through recently like past trauma. For sure. Like, there's things that happen to you in your past, whether it's like, you know, my parents getting divorced or, you know, toxic relationships I've been in that have kind of fucked up my head.


She like that.


You have to unlearn a lot of that. And I think that recently I've had the right people in my life. For the first time ever, and that's forcing me to like. Move past those things. But it's a marathon and it's not a sprint, and I can't just wake up tomorrow and be like, oh, I just trust everyone now or Oh. My self-esteem is no longer affected by these things that have happened to me and my past, like you can't just wake up and those things go away, but I think it's having the right people in your life.


Let's show you that 08. My past. In the way that my past is affected, my brain, in the way that I think about things, in the way that I look about things, in the way that I look at things is not accurate. That's something that happened in the past with very specific people. And we're in very specific situations in like. That's not how every situation is going to be moving forward. That was just that situation and.


It's just so important to be proved wrong. But it's hard to find those people and a lot of it. Starts with you doing your best to do that work on your own, but at a certain point. Sometimes you need to have people in your life that push you to be the best that you can be and part of being the best you can be is to let go of all that. So we said if you could spread one message to the world and everyone would listen to you, what would you say?


Well, unfortunately, nobody would probably listen to me, but I just wish.


I would say this, I would say, listen, everybody. We have one life, we got one chance that we know of.


Who knows what exists after after we pass away, but.


We have one life right now in this body. One life. One. Let's just make it one big party. Yes, we have to work. Yes, we have to do the shitty stuff. I get it. Yes, we have to pay taxes. I know there's a lot of shit that is not good and it is unfortunate, but let's just have fun with it. Let's be nice to each other, let's be understanding with one another, let's be kind to one another and let's just have fun, like let's make this shit fun, right, because we got one of these, so let's make it fun.


Stop being mean to everyone. Mind your own fucking business. Stay in your lane. Let people be happy. Be happy yourself and. Make your life as fun as you possibly can, because you got one. Fall in love with people. Go crazy. Cook something that you would love for your friends and family. Fucking go on a trip, go on a walk, go for a jog, make coffee in the morning, in complete silence in your home, whatever.


Make it fun. But mind your own business and have fun with it. That's it. That's all I ask. And be fucking nice. That's it. It's so easy. Imagine if everybody was like that, how easy it would be. OK, it would be very, very nice if everyone would just do that.


Somebody said, I know it's probably too late to ask questions, no, it's not.


Would you rather explore space like outer space or the sea like the ocean, the ocean personally? I'm not a huge fan of the whole gravity, not existing thing. I don't like sitting for a long time, so being in a spaceship for me wouldn't be so good. I also get a little bit claustrophobic here and there. So not a huge fan of that. I actually have a phobia of space. I really don't like it. I love Earth.


I love Earth. I love our planet. And I just don't want to go anywhere else. To be honest, I would if somebody was like, you can go to the moon right now, I'd be like, No, thanks. Like, I genuinely wouldn't like that I have no interest, there's certain things that I just have no interest in because the risks outweigh the experience and I will name a few skydiving. No, I don't need to I don't need to do that.


Unfortunately, there's no reason for me to do that. I don't care. Roller coasters even. OK, yeah, it's like fun and I, like, enjoy it and I'm not even scared of them, but I also feel like what if it broke?


Like, what's the point, amusement parks, parks are like grimy, I don't know, I just unless it's like Disneyland is Disneyland, chill as fuck, like those rides are not dangerous at all.


So definitely the ocean, I'd love to go down to the ocean, see what kind of cool like shipwrecks I could find.


I'd love that. Somebody said, should I get a nose job? I've always been someone who is like, if you want to get a nose job, if you want to get lip injections, if you want to. Actually, you know, I haven't always been like that, OK, let me explain. I think when I was younger, I used to be like. I used to struggle with people getting work done because I was very insecure myself, and I felt like it was unfair that you could just change whatever you wanted about yourself.


And I think I was jealous that I couldn't. When I was younger, because I was like, this is not fair. Like these grown ups can go in fucking, like, get a different nose if they want. And like, I'm stuck with mine. That doesn't seem fair. And I think it also made me over think like, should I change something about myself when I get older?


And I think I just had a very toxic relationship with the idea of getting work done in any capacity.


But as I've grown older, I've realized. There is nothing wrong with it. As long as I think you're honest. And you're like, yeah. I did get a nose job or I did get Botox or did get lip filler, I think I think the important thing is if you feel comfortable, you know, being open about those things and being transparent, I think that that is so important because I think that that. Makes it. Healthier for younger generations and stuff to see that and be like, OK, well, they change those things about themselves.


So the fact that, like I am the way that I am is normal. You know what I mean, because they look so perfect, because. They have enhanced their features to look like that, but if I could do that, too, if I wanted, you know what I mean? It's like making it an open conversation. I think that's very important because they think that. Young adults and kids and, you know, they don't understand how someone can look really perfect.


And they can't understand why they don't look like that, but there are certain beauty standards. That we have there are just unrealistic, like having really massive lips. That's not something that everyone has having a perfect nose. That's not something that everyone has, having a perfectly smooth forehead. That's not something that everyone has. Those are things that, like some people are born with for sure. But also most people are not. And. If that's something that you want to do and that's something that you're excited about in that you think will make your life better, in a way, go for it.


Nobody should judge you for any personal decision that you make, because to be completely honest here. It's no one else's business. Who cares? They don't have to do it. Whatever it doesn't matter, I think it's more about being, you know, transparent and honest about the process and like not lying to people being like, no, this is my natural face or, you know, whatever when it's not, because I think that that can be damaging.


But I think that as long as you're open about it and you're honest, like if I ever got work done in any capacity, I would let you guys know and we'd have a conversation about it, because I think that. It's important. To be honest about those things. So that it doesn't damage someone, you know what I mean? I say get the nose job. If you want to get a nose job, get it. But also if you don't, your nose is beautiful exactly how it is, and you don't need to change it.


But if you really want to, girl, I'm on your team. Whatever will make you happiest. Somebody said, how should I tell my parents that I think that they should split up without sounding rude? I mean, their relationship is so toxic, I think it would be best.


So I don't think that you should tell them that they should split at first.


I think that. The first conversation that needs to be had. Is a wake up call conversation, right, so you go to them and you say, guys. Listen. Being in this house around you guys. Constantly arguing, constantly being toxic with one another. Makes my life miserable, to be honest, and say that, like, this makes my life miserable because guess what? Your parents had you and you are their responsibility. They brought you onto this earth.


That is something that they did. They made that decision to have you. And while you were living under their roof, you have the right to be like, I'm miserable because you guys are fighting, making this living environment so toxic.


You absolutely have the right. To tell them that because you are their responsibility. You can't fend for yourself yet you are a child. It is their responsibility to make your life as amazing as possible, so I think starting out by saying. You know, you guys arguing constantly makes it really hard for me mentally and like, I don't know what you guys want to do to fix it, but I just wanted to let you guys know. And, you know, you guys can have your own separate conversation about.


How we can make this a better situation, but like. I just need you to know that, like, this is really toxic and terrible for me. And I wish you the most of luck. And I know how tough it is, things with parents can be really tough, especially when you're under their roof because, you know, you don't really have a lot of control over it. But I wish you luck and I love you so much and you can get through this.


And on that note, I'm wrapping up this episode. Thank you guys for listening to me talk for literally an hour. I love hanging out with you guys. And I can't wait to talk to you guys next week about Chamberland Coffee. I'm going to dedicate an entire episode next week to Shamblin Coffee, and I cannot wait, even though that might be like, well, what do you have to say? Well, I have some things to say, so stay tuned.


I love you all. Stay safe. Treat yourself with love. Treat others with love and talk soon. Love you all.