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Bramble's. Hi, guys, welcome back to Anything Goes. I couldn't think of an episode today, like I could not think of a topic today. It was killing me. I like just I. I could not actually not even just today, like the whole week. And then I was feeling a little bit anxious, so I decided to take out my diary and journal whatever, and I decided to write a little something in it, just start writing in it.


I used to write in a journal. Constantly. On and off for the past few years, I've been writing in journals, diaries, whatever, here and there, and I decided to read back.


Far today, because I've been using the same one for years, pretty much since I moved to L.A. and. Holy shit, y'all. I want to read some snippets out of it for you guys and talk about it, because it's so weird to like. Almost hop into your own mind. Three to one year ago and like see what was going through your mind back then. I was gonna ask you one, it's really interesting. And that's what I did, like, I just sat there for like an hour and I read through my diary or journal.


What do I call it? Can I just can we agree on a name? I'm gonna call it a diary because I like that better.


I read through and I just like found some things that I think. Would be interesting to comment on and like. See how my perception of things have changed and see what I've learned and, you know, maybe somehow you guys are going to learn something from this or maybe it'll just be entertaining.


So quick now before we begin these. Diary entries are basically throughout the past three years, so it's like.


If I'm telling a story here, it could have been from any point within the past three years and if it has to do with specific people.


It could have it could have been any of the hundreds of people that I met and encountered and was friends with or dated, so like don't be like I know that's about there's a very good chance that you don't. So, yeah, let's just not spin this out of control, this is not for the purpose of drama by any means or anything. This is supposed to be fun and a lot of my friendships and relationships have never reached the Internet. So just keep that in mind.


And actually, majority of these, if not all, are pretty much friendships and relationships that were private, not all of them, but majority of them. And I think it's mostly because I don't even remember. Which ones I took photos of, so anyway, let's get right into it. First one. I'm just reading a snippet, I said in this, friends are good, though, and grateful for my new additions. So this seems like small and insignificant, but I remember these new friends that I had made at the time.


And. It was interesting because. This friendship that I had made with a few people during that time. I'm not friends with them anymore. No bad blood at all, but just like not, we just didn't work out and we just weren't a good match.


Like, it just was not a click, right. Again, no bad blood, like, literally do not hate these people at all. Like, whatever. Totally fine.


Like, it didn't turn out badly. Right. But it's just interesting to read that and, you know, be like, oh fuck, I'm not friends with those people anymore. And that kind of triggered my brain to think like how often people come and go in your life and how, like normal and healthy.


That is like my friendship with this group of people lasted for maybe a few months and then just fizzled. Right. And like no one was hurt in the process, I mean, it might have stung a little bit, but like. It was harmless, it just and it didn't even mean that they were bad people, it literally just simply was that it just wasn't an energy that I maybe needed in my life at that time. And I think. Not only on the Internet, but also in private life, I think people have a hard time understanding.


The concept that people are not always meant to be in your life forever, and I've talked about that before, but sometimes people just serve a purpose for like. A few months, and then their purpose is served and then it's like, you know what, that friendship is unnecessary now. It doesn't make sense. It's not beneficial for anyone. It's not it doesn't click anymore. And that's OK. Some people are meant to be in your life forever and some aren't.


And I just think that we need to address and realize that that's OK. And there's nothing wrong with that, because I think people are really quick to be like, no, no, like you, when you meet a friend, you need to be loyal for life.


It needs to be whatever. Just because the friendship doesn't last forever doesn't mean that both parties weren't loyal. It doesn't mean that both parties aren't great people. It just means that it didn't click anymore. And that's OK. And if one party wants to, you know, wants to hit the road and doesn't really want to be in the friendship anymore, that's OK. And it can suck. This specific situation didn't suck that bad, but it can suck.


But like. It's just so normal. In OK. I don't know, I think especially on the Internet, people are always like, you know, asking about old friendships and shit like that. It's like, you know what? Friendships sometimes only make sense for a short amount of time. And that's OK. Like specifically, during that time, I was going through a breakup and I like needed more friends to, like, do activities with, and then it got to a point where I was like, you know what?


I'm kind of ready to settle down. And I don't really need to be doing these activities anymore. And we don't really have as much in common as I thought. And maybe this isn't for me.


And that's OK, the next snippet of my diary is. Tomorrow, I can take a day off from work. We'll see if I actually do, though, because it's been kind of addicting, I've been getting more shit done than I ever have, and I wonder if it's because I'm single. I really hope it isn't because I've been wanting a fucking hug. Well. OK, so that's the next one. You know, I can say. When you're in a relationship that isn't good for you, doesn't even necessarily mean that somebody is toxic.


Well, I think that well, I mean, I think that is definitely common, but like sometimes relationships can hold you back and. I used to think that because I'd only been in relationships that had held me back, I'd never been in a relationship that, like, lifted me up. And so at that time, I was, like, scared to get back into a relationship because I was like, wow, I have this newfound productivity, right?


Like, I'm all back on my shit. Like, I want to work hard, you know, I feel motivated and. Shit like that. So, you know. I was worried that if I got back into a relationship that. I like all of that would stop because that's what had happened every time prior, and in retrospect, I now know, no, that is not the case. If you're in a good, healthy relationship, it's going to make you want to work harder.


And I've said this before, I'm literally a broken record on this fucking podcast.


I have three thoughts. They go through my head all day. But like, you know, they're going to make you want to work harder because you're like, OK, if I get my work done, then I can hang out with them point blank, period. So it's good. But when you're dating somebody who. Is not right for you and kind of brings you down and they have terrible energy. It sucks the life out of you and then when it's time to work, like you don't have any energy left or, you know, in my specific situation, like, you know, the person I was with would I was struggling with.


I was a little depressed at the time and I was really struggling with filming YouTube videos, editing YouTube videos, because it's was so time consuming and like mentally challenging and so, like, it was hard for me to be consistent on YouTube at the time and. You know, the person that I was in the relationship with at the time. Was not supportive of that was kind of like your lazy piece of shit vibes, so that made me feel so bad about myself that I like, then it was like I couldn't it made me so uninspired.


And, you know, that person wasn't like that.


Throughout my relationship, it was just I know at a certain point they were, and that's kind of when I realized that, like, that's not good, you know what I mean? But also. That's a whole nother thing, but like, you know, if somebody's not. Uplifting you in all areas of your life, including work, then they're not a good person to be with and they'll hold you back. But if they're supportive and they're like, you know what, you deserve a mental health break.


You know, it's OK that you can't. Upload every week, like whatever, like, you know, just being supportive and kind, because it really has nothing to do with them anyway.


That actually ends up being more beneficial, you know what I mean, holding somebody accountable and being like, you know. Whatever is important, but like at the same time, if it's not an issue and someone struggling with their mental health and you're like you're not working hard enough, you're lazy piece of shit. Now that this person said that verbatim, but making. Yeah.


Like, that's not going to make you want to fucking work hard, you know what I mean? I've even had friends that, like, didn't uplift me when I was struggling with managing my mental health in work, you know what I mean? And like that joke you told me, too, it's like you have to have the right people around you so that when you struggle, they can lift you back up and you don't become unproductive and like, depressed, you know what I mean?


I was being more productive because I was single, because I was away from that person, you know what I mean? That's why. Fucking makes sense. But then if you get new out of the relationship, that makes you feel good. That's not necessarily going to stop you, I think it wasn't me being in a relationship or not, it was me being around that person, and that's something I realized, you know what I mean? Every relationship is so different in the way that affects you.


So different. Thank you, believe or sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes, Self Care is not my number one priority in life, which is not good.


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Honestly, Billy genuinely gives me the best shave in literally every time my friends shower in my shower and use my razor, which happens more than it probably should. But whatever. They're always raving about how great the Billy Razor is and they always ask me what type of razor it is. And I'm like, Yeah, it's Billy. Let me put you on real quick. It's a big hit. Not only that, but also there in allure. Best of beauty winner and on nylons beauty hit list for a reason to express a little love for anything goes, go to my Billy Dotcom slash AMA.


It's a small way that you can support the show while getting the best razor that you're ever going to own. And it's just nine dollars to get your starter kit and you get free shipping. Always go to my blog dot com slash. Emma spelled my B i.e. dotcom agma. Thank you Billy. Love you. Next day said I'm manifesting so much shit right now, especially for Coachella. Let's pray it works haha.


You know, it's interesting because I remember when I was manifesting during this time, I was manifesting this is so embarrassing, I was like manifesting that like I would meet a cute boy at Coachella, OK?


And I didn't and. Like in retrospect. I'm so glad that I didn't and that just kind of made me realize, like. Sometimes you manifest like I was not ready to get into a relationship when I was going to Coachella, I or like meet a guy and like catch feelings or something. And that happens to me sometimes. And I was like manifesting that I'd find the love of my life at Coachella. Listen, I. I couldn't tell you what was going through my damn mind.


At that time, but like in retrospect, I was not ready to be even talking to boys at that time, I was in a very. Bad headspace, I was very insecure. I was very weak and vulnerable and like, I'm glad that I didn't meet a guy that weekend. And that just showed me that, like, you know, you manifest shit that's bad for you. Like that, me manifesting that was bad for me, like I was at a very vulnerable point where like what guys thought of me, like completely controlled my entire self-esteem.


And I think the fact that, like, I didn't meet a guy and that no guy gave me attention that weekend at all was definitely a good thing because I like needed that. I spent hours on my outfits just so that I could try to find a guy and, like, look good for a guy, which I'm not saying I always dress for guys because I genuinely don't. I usually dress for me, but at that time, very vulnerable, very weak.


I was like, I am going to dress like this because I like I'm trying to find the love of my life. So I'm trying to, like, attract that in everything that I do. I don't do I make up really well that you know what I mean. Like such that's a sad spot to be in. That's very, very sad. I, I read this and I weep, OK? I don't feel good when I read this shit.


Right. You know, that just shows me that, like, you know, the universe has a plan, like I was manifesting meeting a guy that weekend and I didn't. And I'm very glad that I didn't because I was not in any place to be talking to anybody who has a penis, and that is true. You want to know why else, I think I didn't attract any guys because my energy was terrible, like I was so concerned about what guys thought of me and I wanted guy attention so bad that, like.


That's a terrible thing. I feel like people can subconsciously feel that energy is not appealing. Like, I wasn't doing anything to like, you know, it was just my energy, like I bet people like people aren't attracted to that energy.


People weirdly, no, they read you. They read your body language. Everything is so like. Weirdly, like people, you can read someone, you know what I mean, you can tell. Without even knowing how you can tell and like, I feel like that's why it didn't work, because I was fucking like desperate and sad and insecure and needed male validation, like, more than anything. And it makes me sad to read that I was at that place at one time.


Like half of these entries I can't read because they're literally just me, like being like I just like want a guy to love me so bad, like blah, blah, blah. And like, eventually, you know, I let go of that and I it turned full 180 and I was like, never mind. I want. I don't give a fuck like I prefer to be left alone now, but like I wasn't always at that place and it's embarrassing to talk about this, but it shows me things and it's interesting to read about the growth.


You know. OK, next one. Sorry, this is like apparently like very a lot of relationships here, which we talk about too much anyway. But whenever my next thing that I read this is a little snippet, I said I'm really worried about getting heartbroken again, honestly. OK, so. I did I did get heartbroken again, like because I was getting into another situation, right, and I did I got heartbroken again and. I'm so glad that I did.


And. I'm glad so, OK, here's here, let's break this down. I said I'm so afraid of being heartbroken again. Yes, everybody's afraid of being heartbroken. Do I regret being heartbroken by this person? No.


Like, now that I'm healed from it, it's like one of those things where it's crazy, I would not be who I am without that heartbreak. And the universe has its plan, right. I at that moment was so afraid of. Exactly what ended up happening to me. And now I'm like, OK, wait, like that was exactly what was meant to happen, so that kind of shows me now with my terrible anxiety, Emma. Do you regret getting heartbroken?


No. Should you have been afraid of it? No, because it was exactly what was supposed to happen and it taught you exactly the lesson that you needed to learn.


That shows me now that there's so many things I fear. Right on a day to day basis, I'm afraid of this failing, I'm afraid of like this not going well, I'm afraid of this happening, you know, blah, blah, blah. I'm afraid of this person leaving me. I like whatever. I'm always so afraid of things constantly. I've terrible anxiety, especially recently. Very bad. Very, very, very bad. On and off, but pretty bad.


But why? Because, you know, at the time, that was something that I was so terrified of being heartbroken again by this person and I did and it did, it taught me so many amazing things. I don't regret it and I'm glad that it happened. So, look, something that I feared is now something that I'm glad that it happened. There's some food for thought. OK, next one, I met my first L.A. snake who was like, oh, my God, using the word snake.


Terrifying caused me to have anxiety the whole day this person's energy was so contagious and evil that I literally was shaking the whole day. OK, so.


I met somebody for the first time, like, you know, you meet a lot of people in passing in L.A., you meet a lot of people all day long in L.A., there's a lot of people around. And I apparently this day had met in L.A. Snake.


And, you know, the reason why it was a terrible experience was because. They were just gossiping to me in a way that was harmful to me because they were talking to me about somebody that I really loved.


And I didn't know that this person was a snake until this, like I. It was just sad. And the way that. They were just very toxic, a very toxic person, and I could tell, by the way, that they're talking about other people and kind of like asking me personal questions and shit. And it just made me. So scared, like I genuinely was scared. And you know what I ended up learning from that is that.


You can't be around people like that in any capacity, like. It just reminded me today, like how, you know, the people that you're around are really like. A reflection of who you are, in a way. Like when you're spending time with people who are bad people, it. It's contagious, whether that means that they make you anxious or that they turn you into somebody who you aren't, you know what I mean? The people that you spend time with are contagious.


And I knew immediately upon meeting this person that, like, if I started spending time with them, I could become like them. And it was so scary to me that it made me anxious. And I just was like, this is so terrible and, you know. Woop, there it is. So I thought that was interesting. All right, moving on. OK, here's another one. I said. I felt extremely confident about what all this means, but the voices of other people's concerns have me worried.


It's hard to know if I should be trusting my intuition right now or if I should be listening to my friends and rather be safe than sorry. My intuition says to go with the flow. So that's what I'm going to do. OK. This is kind of a battle for myself between listening to people in my life telling me that there are infinite red flags with the situation versus me being like, yes, there are red flags, but I will defy all odds.


Listen. All my friends and family were right, OK, about this specific situation, but. I was like a little baby and I touched the stove, even though my mommy told me that it was hot and I got a pretty bad burn on my finger, but the burn healed and now I know to never touch the stove again. Sometimes not listening to people's advice and listening to yourself instead. Is really important, even if it hurts you, because.


Like the metaphor I just used, I'm never going to touch a stove again. OK, I'm never going to make a mistake like I did like that again. Whereas if I hadn't made the mistake and I would have listened to everybody, I would have never known for sure when a little baby is looking at a stove in, their mommy is telling them that it's hot. They don't know what hot means or what a burn feels like until they touch the fuckin stove and.


So until they touch the stove, they're not going to know. It's important to touch the fucking stove sometimes and mess up almost on purpose, you know what I mean? OK, I wrote this. Almost exactly a year ago, and we're going to end off on this one. I was going through a very tough time mentally. Going through like a lot of different like losses in my life when it came to people that I thought were very close to me.


And I wrote things that I want to happen for me. My dad told me to write this list. It's kind of depressing. I'm sorry, No. One, I want to be happy completely by myself. I want to be able to go away completely by myself. I have accomplished that. Go me number two, I want to get more hobbies, OK, so that one didn't happen, still lacking in the hobbies department. Well, I mean, I have a few more hobbies, but like definitely like could do more, like definitely would love to have a few more still working on that one.


I want to join different types of communities so I can meet more people through my hobbies, so that also has not really happened.


But that's fine because I've kind of actually done a full 180 and now I don't really like being social at all anymore, unfortunately.


Next one. I want to enjoy being single that has happened that I have figured out. Or I figured out. Yeah, I figured that out in the time being. So that was. That's good. Good job, Emma. There's another one checked off. Next one, I want more friends who genuinely care about my well-being, interestingly enough, I think I made my circle smaller. So instead of finding more friends, I just found the real ones, do you know what I mean?


So that's still check. Last one, I want to be genuinely proud of everything I do. OK, so that also hasn't happened. But look at the growth that I've had in a year. I've solved quite a few of those problems. And it's so cool to look back and see my growth. I really, really encourage you guys to go through and write down these things right now and look back at it later. It's so interesting. I had so much fun reading this truly, and I feel like I learned a lot.


And I hope that that was like maybe a little bit of food for thought for you guys.


And on that note, let's do some Q&A.


All right. To be honest, I feel like my brain I've been let's have a little real moment here, I for the last two weeks have had so much going on and like a lot of busy kind of days in a way, like I've had a lot of shoots I had like. Something like five or six shoots over the past two weeks. So that was crazy and. You know, I had a lot of videos that I wanted to film and some of them that I had to film, because if they have a Brandell in it, there's stricter guidelines about when things are due and stuff.


And it's just been really busy. And to be honest, like my mind is kind of empty. And I think when I go into. A mode where I'm just like working on shit on non-stop, also the chairman coffee relaunch. Thank you guys for all the support on that. Literally can't stop crying about it. It's been mind boggling, but anyway, like, yeah, all of that shit, right? Like, I just have had a lot of shit going on.


And so my mind's kind of empty, to be honest. And I feel guilty about it because I'm like, where's my personality? But. It's somewhere in there and it'll come back out once they go on a vacation or something, I swear to God I need to go on a vacation so bad. I just want to go to New York. I don't want to move to New York, but I do. Want to live in New York? Already Question Time, how do you manage morning anxiety, because I always wake up with a pit in my stomach and I just want to wake up peacefully.


Any tips?


Yes, get a good night's sleep. Start going to bed earlier. I found that going to bed earlier and waking up earlier has helped me with that.


So much know my ass is like going to bed at ten, thirty pm these days. I used to go to at 3:00 and then wake up at 11:00, feeling like shit, anxious, scared, like just off, there's something about waking up early that's so much more peaceful because you feel like you're awake before the day is started and you the world is just so much more quiet and the light outside is more dim and it's just so much more confident, comforting, comforting.


And yeah, I would say try that. And honestly, like if you're struggling with falling asleep. Something that I do, this is not healthy, so do not maybe do this, but like. If you tire yourself out really badly, pull an all nighter, do something one day and then go to bed early the next night. Then you wake up earlier the next day, then you kind of fix your sleep schedule, sometimes you do a crazy reset like that, but that's what I do and that helps.


Another thing is you can take melatonin, obviously check with your doctor. It is something that you can buy from basically any like CVS or Walgreens or Target or whatever.


But I also don't know, like I'm not a fucking doctor, but melatonin helps me go to sleep if I'm struggling. But I don't become dependent on it, though, because you can get nightmares. And also, again, talk to your doctor, because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, but I do use that to help me fall asleep.


Favorite singer right now, you know, the neighborhood just released their new album. I'm loving that. I'm loving that big time. Go check out the neighborhood's new album, not sponsored.


I'm kidding, but very good album. So somebody said, I dance for six or seven hours a day and have no energy by the time I get home to do anything else. How do you recommend finding balance so that I can do other things that I enjoy?


Well, that sounds like a very demanding schedule, but I also know you mean because I've been kind of feeling like that for the past two weeks because it's like, you know, doing these long shoot days really drain me, whether it's like a photo shoot or like a video shoot for something. Those things really drained me. And by the time I'm done, I can't do anything. I can't work out, I can't cook, like I can't hang out with my friends, even sometimes I'm just too tired.


And that's a bummer, but. I think. What you could do is. Make sure you're really. Using the time after dance practice to, like, really relax, so like I'm talking about get home and go to bed early, right. Get as much sleep as possible. And then on your days off, you're going to feel a lot more rested and you can really put all of your time and effort when it comes to being social or finding hobbies into those days.


Right. It's about making your days off count, I think, because. When you have a rigorous schedule that you have to stick to, there's nothing you can do like those things are exhausting, but it's about like making your days off count, hanging out with people. Like trying a new hobby, do that on your days off and then on the days that you have dance completely, relax after practice, like just whatever, or do things that are very.


Easy, right, and then really save the big stuff for your days off. The reason why I say this is that if you try to pile too many things in a day, if you try to do dance and then go out to dinner with your friends after your exhausting yourself over and over again, you can't. Do that, you have to save that for days when it's not. As exhausting, I don't know if that makes sense or is good advice, but that's what I do.


I just like make really fun plans on days when I have days off. And then when I'm working a lot, I just like sleep every time. I'm not working. Right. Somebody said, do you prefer lime or lemon? This is an interesting question because my interesting. I just combined two words, this is interesting because I like lime and sparkling water, but lemon in regular water, so think about that. What do you do when you start overthinking a past conversation, love you so much.


I saw a girl on Take Talk today, talk about this.


I'm actually going to find her exact username because this was amazing advice.


Hold on.


Her username on Tick-Tock is Piech Passy. I don't know exactly what her real name is, I think her name is Peach.


OK, she's great, by the way, she said try to think about something awkward or cringe that someone has said to you.


Can you even remember one? I can't. I literally sat there and tried to remember something cringing that somebody said to me and I was like, I don't even know where to begin with that. Like, I know so many different people. Like how?


Like, I don't remember half the things that people say to me and that really put things into perspective.


Like, no, people don't really remember that stuff you do because it's you, but nobody else really cares. Everybody's so focused on themselves.


And so whenever you're getting anxious about that, think about what Piech said and it'll make you feel better. Favorite bagel, everything bagel, sorry, I hate answering questions that are boring to other people because I doubt any of you care about what my favorite bagel is, but I did want to answer that and share my favorite bagels and everything. Bagel. Speaking of that, you know what's so interesting about the Internet?


Like, I remember when the like, 50 questions about me tag was a thing.


It's crazy to me that people can be interested in like the small minor details of someone's life that they don't know and I'm guilty of this, not like it even needs to be something to be guilty of.


But like, I don't know what it is about.


Like, I can literally click on a random 50 facts about me, tag somebody that I know nothing about and have no personal connection to. And weirdly enough, I think I would watch it. There's a potential I could find it interesting, even if they're answering what their favorite color is like. There's something interesting about that. And I don't understand it because, like, why? What is what does that information do for you?


Nothing. I don't know why the human brain can find entertainment out of things that don't benefit them. Like that's still something that like dumbfoundead me, because I always, you know, I make YouTube videos and like or even make these podcasts. And I'm like, why do people care about what I have to say? Or like what I'm doing? It's but I also understand because I'm the same way. Anyway, I'm laying down on the ground because I'm having the craziest period of my life, I'm having like these crazy cramps that just like literally make me curl up in a ball.


And I haven't had cramps like that in a long time, so it's very upsetting. Next question, favorite vegetable cauliflower. Let me explain.


I am obsessed with cauliflower. OK, and let me explain why I don't know what it is about it, but you can turn cauliflower into anything. Have you guys noticed this? Buffalo cauliflower. When people make buffalo wings, but make it with a piece of cauliflower. So delicious, number two, cauliflower, rice, it tastes like rice, not really, but it like has the same vibe. You can just do whatever you fucking want with cauliflower and it tastes good.


Most vegetables, if you like, tried to cover it in a sauce or something or turn it into rice. It would taste like shit. Cauliflower, pizza crust. Delicious. Cauliflower is easily the most amazing vegetable you can turn it into anything you want, it's a fucking shape shifter. It's amazing to see. I'm so proud of it. Somebody said, do you do streak's, I'm assuming that you mean on Snapchat, I don't use Snapchat, I haven't used Snapchat in like years, not years, probably like a year.


I go on it occasionally to see if anybody has messaged me like any of my friends or anything or sent me anything. But like, maybe. Once every three weeks, like I'm never on Snapchat. And the reason why. Is because there's too much pressure. I hate how you can see when somebody opens your Snapchat. I hate how snap maps exists and you can see where everyone is. I hate that. I hate. How everything, like, disappears, it's just suspicious to me.


I like Snapchat stories, I think that's fun. But besides that, I'm not really about it in like Snapchat shows can be fun to watch.


But like the actual like snapping people back and forth and also like if you have a streak with somebody and then you lose it, it's like this like big drama. I just think it like is a negative. Like, the people are really negative with that app. And I, like, hate the drama of it all. Like, oh, I got left unopened on Snapchat. Oh, they haven't responded for an hour. Oh, we're going to lose our streak.


Like I just think all that shit is so negative.


I don't know, maybe I'm just like a fucking old woman but. Somebody said, in all honesty, what are your thoughts on Halloween? I love Halloween, but I'm very on the edge of my seat as to how it's going to go this year, because obviously nobody can trick or treat parties. Halloween parties can't happen.


I barely have the motivation to dress up in the first place, so I have a feeling Halloween might just slip under the rug this year for me. I like Halloween. I like dressing up. I have this bad habit of putting zero effort into a costume until the last 48 hours before I need one. And then my costume looking like shit. I wish I was creative when it comes to costumes, but I'm not. I enjoy. But see, the thing is now, I don't really like going to parties anymore, like.


I just hate it. I mean, I guess it's fun, you know what, there's a time and a place for a party. Obviously, right now is not that time. But I hate parties generally, especially in L.A., but I guess. It could be fun next year to do a little Halloween party outing, who knows, somebody said thoughts on seasonal depression. Oh, God, I'm worried.


I'm worried because it's about to come up. It's about to come up because it's about to be winter. We're in fall, although luckily in L.A., I feel like the seasons are like nonexistent, which honestly, weirdly kind of affects me more anyway.


I got very depressed last winter for a decent chunk of that time. And not OK, not it wasn't actually I was very like it was pretty manageable now in retrospect, but I definitely was going through it was tough for me. But I decided that this year I'm really going to try to, like, make winter fun and like enjoy the parts of winter that I normally forget about, like I'm going to go do some snow trips, you know what I mean?


And, like, go sledding because I can't do any snow sports.


Like, I cannot ski or do snowboarding for my life.


I can't do that shit. It just upsets me. I hate it. I think we should all try this year to like do more like cold weather activities and like make it fun.


Because I feel like that might help, I feel like the thing is like during the winter, I tend to just do nothing like there's no going to the beach. There's no, like, tanning outside. There's no, you know, hanging out outside for long periods of time with no clothes on when it feels like it.


OK, that sounded weird, but you know what I mean, it's like you can't, like, go sit outside at a coffee shop when it's like, you know, 40 degrees, like it's not comfortable. So you're just inside all the time. I feel like doing like outdoor activities and like bundling up and having fun with it. Like, I feel like we should all try that this year and see if that helps.


But God knows, God knows that shit can be inevitable and just, you know, I think we just need to remember that it'll pass. Somebody said, have you ever thought about doing standup or other forms of comedy?


I don't think that I'm funny. So, no, neither. Like, I literally think I'm the least funny person on this planet. Like, actually, that's not true. I laugh at my own jokes all the time.


I still don't think I'm funny, though, but I really do laugh at my own jokes constantly.


It's so fucking embarrassing. I literally. OK, so maybe I think I'm funny, but like only to me that's what it is. I think I'm funny, but I don't think that anyone else thinks I'm funny. I just assume that only I think I'm funny, but so absolutely not. Also me in front of a crowd never goes well. I do not do well in front of crowds at all. I'm good, like in front of a class like I used to be great at presentations at school, amazing.


But like too many people, I'm not good. I get really nervous. I stumble on my words. I look like I'm reading from a teleprompter.


It's not good. I actually think I'd be fine in front of a crowd if like. I was doing something like this, like just stream of consciousness, just talking for fun, having a conversation with the crowd like that would be easy for me. But like when it comes to, like a preplanned, like, stand up gig, like, fuck, no, that sounds awful. Somebody said, why do we exist, what's our purpose to just ruin the world?


Well. I really don't know why we exist because. I was when I'm in a really depressive state, I think about this a lot and I'm just like, what is the point of life? When life is just like. A constant back and forth between joy and struggle and like, you know, rarely and in between. I can't remember a time in my life where I've ever been in between, where I'm like neutral, I'm always either a little bit struggling or suffering or I'm happy and there's no in between.


And what's the point of life when there's no. When there's never going to be this, like sense of nirvana, where you just like hit happiness and you never feel pain again, like why, what's the point of life if it's just a constantly awaiting the next feeling of pain? But. I think that that's what makes life so interesting and dynamic and in you know, that's what makes you appreciate the moments of happiness or the shitty moments. And so you know why we exist on a grand scheme of things.


You know, there may be no purpose. If you think about mankind. In the grand scheme of the universe. We're pretty tiny. And. The fact that we have a completely functioning brains is like something that's hurting my own brain right now, like the fact that we all have like thoughts. And like our own unique individual feelings and our own lives, we all have our own unique perspective. All just to, like, die one day. And there's so many people that have so many different outlooks on things, it's mind boggling and also the fact that we work so hard in this life, just that I mean, the whole thing is just.


If you think about it for too long, you'll lose your mind. I don't let myself go down that rabbit hole. I literally just think, like, you know what? I'm going to enjoy the small joys in this life and take it day by day. Phuket, but it is crazy to think that we're all doing this and for what? It also puts things in the. Perspective when it comes to like. The mundane things of day to day life, like working, cooking, cleaning, shit like that, that's like not very enjoyable.


It's like Yorkeys, all that shit sucks, right? That's the struggle in life, but then there's like the little joys in life in between that maybe a nice text from your significant other, maybe somebody waving to you on the street. Simple things like that. Those are like what life is about, you know? Succeeding at something that you didn't think you'd succeed at, like those are the things that keep people ticking and the other stuff is just there to survive.


I don't know, I just think we appreciate those little things more. Let's do that. Somebody said, I'm a senior in for a few years now, I wanted to study medicine and I was really excited, but now they call just next year I'm having some anxiety. I feel like if I do end up studying medicine, I won't be able to enjoy many things. And I would love to travel and live abroad. I think you weigh this out, right, let's wait this out.


There's a lot of pressure in life to be successful, to make a lot of money to whatever, but at the end of the day, just like the last thing we talked about you, you have to live for those small joys in life and the experience of traveling abroad, studying abroad.


That's going to give you so many memories, you know what I mean, and like studying medicine, if that was your passion, right.


And you loved that in that is like your number one passion in life over and over traveling. You know, some people are passionate about traveling. That's normal. I'm I like traveling, but I'm not super passionate about it like I have. The time would rather be home right now. I would love to get the fuck out of L.A., but most of the time I'm pretty content with, like being in L.A., like just being at home, even though I hate L.A. but like, I don't hate it, but I hate it sometimes.


I think you wait out, like, those are memories that. Will last you forever and like maybe you study abroad and then you study medicine down the line, you know what I mean? Find a way that you could do both, but like, you know, if wayout, what you're more excited about and do that because you could still get a great degree and still be beyond successful without that doctor's degree, doctorate, whatever the fuck that even.


Listen, I didn't go to college all, so don't hold me accountable for that. I don't know.


And on that note, I will be ending this episode. But I hope you guys enjoyed a little reading to my diary. I hope you all are having an amazing week. And I can't wait to hang out with you guys again next week by your.