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Hi everybody. Welcome back to Anything Goes.

Oh, I just woke up literally. I went to bed at nine thirty now 10:00 p.m. last night and then woke up at 4:00 in the morning this morning.

I was like, okay, let's go.

But then I went back to bed and I woke up at seven thirty but. Like, I'm still feeling a little bit groggy, I feel like when I go to bed too early, I wake up very groggy. Also, I feel like my voice is going like I'm losing my voice.

It sounds a little bit. Nasally, Who knows? No, I do not have covid I get tested literally once a week, which is extremely.

Nice, actually, it's kind of nice. I don't mind that part of my life. OK, so before I start the episode, I want to give you guys a real little update. And, you know, part of me, my anxiety is always like nobody fucking wants to hear how you're doing, AMA.

But I also think that so many people are struggling right now specifically, like I know that we've been saying this the whole time.

I know that we've been saying, oh, everybody's been struggling. This like throughout the entire pandemic pandemic. It has not been a secret that there's been a lot of struggling going on.

But for some reason, like this past two weeks, I think it's just been so intense with like if you live in the United States, what's been going on here?

And just like the craziness of the election and all of that and also.

You know, if you live anywhere else, a lot of places are going into a second lockdown, it's like shit's just getting real. I don't know what I'm gonna blow this because or post this or I don't know what's the word for podcasting. I don't know when this is going to go up because I literally record my podcasts randomly whenever something comes to mind. And sometimes I have like ten of them banked and sometimes I post them out of order and blah, blah, blah.

So who knows? But specifically right now, I just feel like the tensions are very high. The vibes are very bad. Also, Daylight Savings Time just came into full swing. It gets dark at fucking four. Thirty pm like everybody is getting a little bit sad. I know for me I tend to get seasonal depression and it definitely hit me. The last few weeks or ever since Daylight Savings Time happens, happened, I don't know what it is, I literally do not understand what it is.

Well, I think it was a combination of things. I think that I was on the right track to, like, avoid getting seasonal depression this year or even I don't know if seasonal anxiety happens, too, but I feel like they both go hand in hand. Like, I mean, I had a rough like I had one really bad week. And the reason why I bring this up is to not do anything except for try to make you guys if you guys are struggling with the same thing, not feel alone because I feel like I'm a Debbie Downer right now because it's like the seasons changed.

The world is in a very intense spot. And like I I had a little episode of being a little bit depressed.

But the thing that's so weird about my depression specifically, and I was talking about this with somebody the other day, is that it's not like it's very high functioning to a point where I question it at times. And I'll explain, because I know that it's there, but it's like I can put on the face of being completely fine. So, well, at this point, I didn't always be like I couldn't always be like that. But I feel like because of.

Being on the Internet and shit, I've had to learn how to, like, really fake it to her where I got so good at it that I worry that, like, if I were to talk about it to my friends or family, that they would be like, yeah, you're fucking fine, dude.

But it's like, no, I'm just really good at the at the face. But also sometimes I feel moments of relief, like there are certain people that I can literally be around in, though, like really, really help make it feel better to a point where it's almost like healing. Like I can't explain it, but it's like there's certain people in my life where being around them, it literally makes me feel like my depression is gone for the period of time that I'm with them.

And so that's also helpful. But it's like it's always that's like second time by myself again. It's like all back, you know what I mean? It's like the distractions gone here it is.

You know, but anyway. I had a really rough few weeks, I couldn't work, I couldn't film videos, they couldn't record my podcast, I couldn't get out of bed. Some days I couldn't. I literally yal shut the fuck up with the whole shower thing, but because here we go. But like, I couldn't shower. I couldn't, like, wash my face. I couldn't brush my teeth, like I couldn't brush my hair. It was like there was a moment of that and it was it didn't last long.

Like I feel like I'm getting out of it now.

And it only lasted about a week and a half, two weeks.

But it was really tough. And I think it's because I mean, here's what I think it is for me. For me, I think it was a combination of obviously seasonal issues, just the fact that it's getting dark and cold, that is just automatically your brain just starts moving in the wrong direction.

I feel like, at least for me also, though, I think the Internet is really, really toxic right now. But it's also hard because I've been spending a lot of time looking at everything because there's not a lot to do right now. And I think that my cycle of like I you know, I kind of got into a depressive headspace just because the Internet was so toxic for a few weeks there. And I think it just like I hit a point at one day where I was like, I cannot like the Internet is too much for me.

Like, I'm I'm cracking. And I cracked.

And it just like, you know, I aloma to write down all of that and then.

It just kind of like my I think my mind is after the mental breakdown ended, just from being on the Internet for too long in the Internet, just being too toxic for me for too long. And I cracked it then it lasted, though. So it's like after I had the mental breakdown that was like the cracking point that the whatever like that kind of affects of that like trickled for around two weeks.

And I don't think that the weather how I think it's a whole like fucking crock pot of just a bunch of things that kind of made me go into the depressive little episode. But something interesting happened. And it's that on the day my mental breakdown, because the Internet was just too toxic for me and I was just over it. I was at the beach. I was sitting at the beach, I had driven there in the morning just because I wanted to it, I don't know, I just like I woke up and I was like, I'm feeling really bummed out.

And I've been feeling really bummed out for like weeks now. I'm going to go drive to the beach and just like, relax, maybe sit on the beach, maybe go get food after, just like enjoy being outside, put my phone down for a second and I get to the beach and I'm in my car and I fucking open up Twitter. Why God only knows. And I start scrolling and, you know. It was a combination of things every time I go on Twitter, it's either people fighting with each other.

Or people trying to fight with me or. People making like assumptions about me, people spreading rumors about me or people assuming things about my personal life, or people attacking me for assumptions about my personal life, but it's just all this negativity.

Right? And I remember I opened it up and I was just seeing all of this negative shit and I was like, you know what? I'm going to revoke my right to have a Twitter right now, because you are abusing the fact that you can just go on your phone whenever you want and it's so incredibly negative and it ruins your day and it ruins your mental health to be reading shit on Twitter constantly.

I mean, listen, you can do so many things. There's so many toxic things about Twitter. It's like hard to even begin. The overall conversation happening on Twitter tends to be very negative and very like based in hatred. Right.

For one. But for two. I can look up my name. And I can see what everybody is saying about me, there is not one other platform that is like that. Yes, you can look up your name, I guess, on Instagram, like would be a hashtag, like you could look up, hashtag your name and then see, but like now Twitter is another beast, OK?

And. It's like scratching an itch, right?

It's like, you know, that if you look up your name, it's going to hurt your feelings, you know that.

But knowing that you can do it. Is like. In that you need to scratch, it's it's so hard not to do it, and so I found myself doing that quite frequently, which was bad for me because although there was a lot of nice things being said about me, of course, there's going to be a bunch of mean things about me, too. And I was voluntarily going and reading it like an idiot, OK? Because I couldn't help myself, because I'm I don't know why, but it's like a fucking like it's addicting.

It's addicting.

But it also makes me feel like what I'm reading is real life. And what I was reading on Twitter was not real life about me. People saying nice things, people saying mean things. None of that matters. That's not what matters in the grand scheme of things. But when you start doing shit like that, your brain starts to think that, like, that's the real world is like what people are saying when you look yourself up on Twitter because you're like anybody can tweet about me at any time.

And if I look it up and I look through what everybody's saying on Twitter in this exact moment, that's accurate because that's you know, but it's not accurate. It's the Internet. And it's like anybody can say whatever the fuck they want. So who cares? It's not even it's not something to like. To put energy into, you know what I mean, like what's the point of me saying of me seeing a tweet that says that, like, my blonde hair looks like shit?

What's the point of that? That does not benefit anybody. That's not constructive is helpful. But like, I was getting all sucked into it, reading all the shit, it fucked up my self-esteem. It like, you know, it's awful.

It made me depressed because it made me feel like everybody hates me. It you know, it made me anxious because I was like, oh, my God, I feel like the whole world hates me when in reality, like, literally that wasn't even the case. When I would look up my name, it would be like a few, like, insults. And I would be like. A complete wreck, you know what I mean? And it's just but that's not reality.

And so I've been having that. I've been thinking this for a while, but that one day on the beach, I was like, Emma. Did you know it was it was because I was like I was by myself, I was in nature in a sense, and I realized that there's so much more to the world into life.

Than to be looking up my name on Twitter and seeing what people are saying about me constantly. There's so much more to this world. Also, what does Twitter do for me? I don't. I prefer all other social media platforms over Twitter. I like Instagram because I feel like Instagram is a fun place where people share, you know, creative stuff. Right. Like it's a it's a little bit more creative because it's like, OK, people are posting pictures of their outfits, of their art, of their music, of like whatever, you know, and.

I think that's great and I think that the conversation overall in Instagram is more positive. Same thing with YouTube. YouTube can be negative, too, but honestly, people are really on YouTube to just, like, have an escape. I mean, that's what I do there on YouTube to like, enjoy the content the creators are making.

And like, usually unless somebody is under some sort of fire for something like usually YouTube is a very positive and comforting platform, in my opinion.

I find it to be very comforting since I was a child. I mean, recently I've been watching like. Cooking videos on fucking repeat Joshua Weisman in bingeing with Bat or whatever. What's the guy? Babish I know he's a series of batteries, but whatever, like I've been watching them and just like enjoying it and so comforting and positive, it's just like people cooking and like, that's it. And then for me it's like. I enjoy making videos, it's fun and, you know, relaxing for me, I enjoy, like posting them.

I enjoy reading comments on YouTube. Things are very positive there.

So, like, what's the point of Twitter? Because I think the thing about Twitter. Is that people can just kind of like tweet whatever they want in, and it can be so mindless in a way, because it's not like you have to like with YouTube or with Instagram, you have to post another piece of something with your caption or with your commentary, like, yeah, with YouTube you could like make of hate video, whatever.

But I'm more mean like in general, a lot of work and thought has to go into an Instagram post or a YouTube video like a lot more thought and effort. Whereas with Twitter you write something up and you press tweet and it's out. It's there's a lot less time. That goes into a tweet and a lot less thought, and I think that that's why so many people. Tweet things that can be hurtful. Is because there's a lot less thought that goes into it, and you know what, I've tweeted some dumb shit that I didn't realize could hurt people's feelings.

Myself, because it's like I didn't have time, I wasn't I wasn't being smart and I wasn't sitting there rereading the tweet 16 times and thinking about, OK, wait, could this be taken the wrong way? Because obviously, for me personally, I never, ever in my life have had an intention to hurt anyone's feelings ever, period.

Have I? Of course, because accidents happen. But I think that the reason why I personally have tweeted things that have maybe been like taken the wrong way or that were like hurtful without me even realizing or knowing or meaning to do that.

Was because it's like there's it's you don't think before you do it, it's like it's like tweeting is so mindless and. That's it's harmful because, you know, whether you're tweeting something that, let's say a rumor or a lie. That's so harmful, you know what I mean, or you're tweeting something that, you know is a joke, but it's like you don't realize that that joke could be harmful to others.

That's harmful. Or let's say you're tweeting. You know, some shit about you, some information about you that maybe in a month you're not going to want the world to know about you, it's so mindless and so quick that, like, you just tweet without thinking. And I I don't think that that's healthy because I think that that. It's just not good, it's just not good. I also think that people think that they can be meaner on Twitter because they feel like it's almost more anonymous than any other platform for some reason.

So people will just go in and and this all leads back to me deactivating my Twitter. Thank you to manage me for sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes, Manny is an L.A. based beauty tech company that uses 3-D modeling technology to deliver custom fit stick on manicures to your door. Manami partners with professional nail artists like designers that do nails for celebrities, for fashion shows, etc., giving you access to nail art previously restricted to your Instagram feed. A dream come true, and it's a lot easier than going into the salon and paying a bazillion dollars to get it done.

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Thank you man. Me y'all are the best. So I was on the beach that one day and I deactivated my Twitter and it felt so good y'all.

I was like yes I don't know why that day I just decided that it was the day that my Twitter was going to be deactivated. But I think it was that I was in nature, I was by myself and I just made the decision. So I deactivated it and immediately felt this like insane, really. If I almost started crying because I was like, this platform has been such a root of anxiety for me for so long and now it's gone.

And it made me feel powerful in a sense, because I was like, OK, I'm something was making your life shittier and you just removed it. That's great. It was an empowering feeling randomly. I don't know why, but it was it was empowering.

And unfortunately for me, there were assumptions made about why I deleted my Twitter and it having to do with something completely unrelated, which started an entire drama about me, which kind of nailed the nail, the last nail into the coffin as to why I deleted my Twitter, because it's like I deactivated my Twitter fully because I was just done with the platform. And it was just a coincidence that it was the day that it was like it happened on a very big day in America.

It had nothing y'all it had nothing to do with that. Not one fucking thing to do with it. It was a full on call, Winky Dink, that I was fucking on the beach having a fall moment in my brain. And then it happened. Bad timing. And everybody made all these assumptions about me. But that also with with virtually no evidence in all evidence being inaccurate anyway, I don't even get me fucking started.

But I you know, it nailed the last nail into the coffin for me, and it made me decide that I was never going to be on Twitter again except for for anything else, because it is an exception here, but.

It it was almost like everybody was like, why would you delete your Twitter like inless like you did something wrong or you're like, well, you know, why would you delete your Twitter unless you were guilty of something?

It's like, what the fuck? I'm not guilty of anything. What am I guilty of? Fucking getting rid of my Twitter and improving my mental health. Oh, I'm such a bad person. Like, what the fuck? I could not believe it, but and then, you know, people were spreading these rumors about me. On Twitter and blowing this shit up out of proportion and with it not being true, that's the thing that's crazy about it.

It was false information.

And then that for me was like, oh, my God, Emma, you totally did the right thing because that's the environment on Twitter. What is Twitter? Twitter is taking something that someone did and then. Finding unreliable information about a person. And then, like, creating an entire drama around it, why would I want to be a part of that?

I literally think that life there's so much more to life, OK, this is what I think is good about the Internet. This is what I think is positive on the Internet.

No one sharing stuff that's creative or exciting. No. Two, talking about your feelings in a way that's helpful to others.

Number three, sharing literally anything as long as it's not hurting anybody else. No. For constructive criticism. I'm not saying that, like, because I know on Twitter a lot of people call people out for shit and stuff. Listen, I think that that's important. I've learned so much from being called out on the Internet. I mean, when it's constructive, I think that's an amazing thing, as I said earlier.

Like on Twitter and shit or even whatever, sometimes you do shit mindlessly and you don't realize that it can hurt somebody or that it's just maybe could have come off the wrong way.

Whatever, whatever it may be, it's great that people. When people are constructive and are like, hey, listen, this is not. Maybe a good eye, this is not right, and here's why I think that that's a beautiful thing. I've, you know. That's so awesome, because it's like teaching other people about things in this world that maybe they don't know anything about yet and learning about those things could maybe even help said person become a better person and be more understanding of others because it's impossible to know everything.

It's impossible to be fully educated on every single thing on this planet. And so, you know, being on the Internet myself, when somebody gives me constructive criticism or explains to me X, Y and Z, that is a beautiful, amazing thing that I'm so grateful for. And the amount of things I've learned about this world and different communities of people that I maybe am not I don't know about. That's amazing. I love that. I love that.

And I never, ever am, like, offended by that.

I'm never like, don't don't ever say I'm wrong. Like, whatever. No, I think it's beautiful that we have that on the Internet.

But I think that there's also such a fine line because I think that people will go to the next extreme and be like, you fucked up, you are a bad person. Start labeling people as all of these things that are like very extreme and be like and you should die, you know what I mean? And that's where I'm like. OK, well, let's remember that we're all humans here and we've definitely all fucked up before, it's about how you react, it's about how you learn from it and move forward.

And that's it. So my Twitter is gone. I have never been happier. I think that it. Has improved my mental health on so many levels, you will never catch me looking at my name on Twitter to see what people are tweeting about me, you will never see me scroll through a Twitter feed that has nothing. Productive on it and then turning my phone off and having crippling anxiety, you won't see me doing this anymore.

The one thing I do miss about Twitter is that there was some fun shit on there, like, you know, especially with you guys, like you guys tweeting me fun shit or tweeting me like, you know, funny Meems, even about me, like or even about like in general.

It was a really, really great place to connect with you guys. That's the one thing I really miss about it. But I it got to a point where it was like, OK.

This is really negatively affecting me. It's either this. Or like my like I have to I have to do this like I can't not do this. So listen, my point of this whole thing is. If something is ruining you, if something is really hurting you, there's no reason to not remove it from your life, removing Twitter seemed. Scary to me because I was like, wait. This is like almost a part of my job, in a sense, being president on all social media is like a part of my job.

Like, I can't just delete it. Well, I can, and I did. Who's making the fucking rules?

I can do whatever I want. I can literally do whatever I want as long as I'm not harming anyone else, hurting anyone else, me fucking deactivating my Twitter, the world will go on, you know what I mean?

Like, what the fuck? Why was I like? I thought it mattered. It doesn't matter.

And, you know, I have more fun on Instagram and YouTube. I'm just going to stick with those and that's that.

So I don't know. I really feel like it's helped my mental health.

So we're just going to run with it.

I'm feeling a lot less depressed, I did have like one day two days ago where I was like very depressed all day, like it was one of those days where I just, like, couldn't snap out of it and. Oh, my God. I mean, it was like I haven't felt like that in a long time. It was just like so fucking awful. And for anybody else who's feeling that way right now, I can tell you that it does pass.

And the reason why I know that is because today I feel so much better than I did during that really low day two days ago.

I thought that that feeling was never going to go away. I thought that I was never going to feel an ounce of happiness ever again. I can say two days later that I feel 50 times better. Am I still hurting a little bit? I'm anxious. Yes, but it's it doesn't matter because it's like a scale, it's like it's so manageable now that I can look back at that day two days ago and be like. Yeah, you know, things aren't fully better, but I feel so much better than I did two days ago, if I would have known how I'd be feeling right now.

Two days ago, it would have been such a relief because you always think that you're going to feel like that forever. You're not going to feel like that forever. It's going to pass. And just ride it out, there's nothing you can do to make it go away. In that moment sometimes, so what you have to just remember is it's going to pass and I will be fine. Period. Anyway, that was kind of all over the place, I literally don't know of anything I just said made sense because I have no idea why I like the way I told that story was such a fucking mess.

So hopefully this episode doesn't go straight into the trash any who. I'm going to answer some questions now. Thank you, a parade for sponsoring this episode of Anything Goes Parade is a brand that's more than just Ondes. They May Gundy's. They're also a self-expression brand that celebrates who you are today. Parade was launched just over a year ago and founded by Kimmy Tellez, a 23 year old entrepreneur. They're extremely comfortable and fun. Underwear comes in nine styles from high rise to low to mid rise.

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I'm in recovery from an eating disorder and I need a new meal. It is number one. I am so happy for you that you're in recovery. That is incredible. Here are some of the things I make. I love making. This sounds so dumb. I love making pizzas. OK, it's so easy. You buy a premade crust of sorts and then you just make it yourself. I love doing that. There's so many fun, different types of crusts you can buy.

I love the one from the brand Capello's. It's like super high protein and it's delicious. So that one's great because I don't eat meat. So it's nice.

I think it's high protein or maybe that's a different one, but I'm pretty sure it's that one.

What else I love making avocado toast is so easy. Like you can just toast a piece of bread, literally crush avocado on top of it, and then put salt, pepper, onion powder, garlic powder, hot sauce, chili flakes, lemon juice. And everything but the bagel seasoning on top, if you're feeling crazy and then also you can even add to that, like sometimes I'll spread a thin layer of hummus under my avocado toast and it just adds so much flavor.

That's delicious. You can make yourself like a fun breakfast, like eggs.

Like, I just love cooking eggs. It's so easy.

And then you can make like a side of whatever you want, like maybe do like eggs and bacon if you like bacon or you could do eggs and like some like vegetarian sausage if you like veggie sausage.

Another thing that you can do is make I like to buy frozen cauliflower rice and then I like to cook that and then I like to add a bunch of fun stuff to it. So I'll put in like other veggies or I'll put in like tofu and then I just add like literally a premade sauce to all of it after I cook it and it's done.

Those are my faves. You got this and I love you so much. Somebody said, how do you know if you're ready for a relationship? I think I've answered this before.

But the truth the truth of it all is if you don't feel like you need one, you just want one.

If you just are like, I don't need to be in a relationship, but if I was in one, it would be great, but I don't need to be in one. Check your level of desperateness, if you feel desperate for a relationship, you have a lot more work to do on yourself.

But if you're like, you know what, I'm happy being single, but if somebody comes along whatever or even for me, I Tuesday have started my best relationship.

When I was in a place where I was like, I want to be single. Everybody was fucking says that, too. They're like they're always like. I've gotten like I got in the best relationship I've ever been in when I was just trying to be when I just wanted to be single. And the reason why that is, is because when you want to be single and like, that's where your head's at. And you find a way to enjoy being single, you're not going to settle.

Like, you're going to only date, said person, if they actually are like, good for you because you're not going to when you want to be like you'd rather be single anyway. So it's like you don't feel like you have anything to lose. So your standards are like higher than normal and then boom, you get into a great relationship and see. But then OK, but then you get in the relationship and then you're like, oh my God, I would be I don't know what I would do without them because I love them so much.

But that's fine. It's like that feeling of like depending on them, not necessarily depending on them, but the feeling of like being like, OK, this person really, really makes my life better.

And I like would be very sad if they weren't in it. That comes later and that's normal. But I actually felt guilty, OK, I felt guilty before for like. Feeling like I would. Be really in a bad spot without somebody in my life. OK, because I'm somebody who has my Spidey senses up and I'm like, OK. If I don't want to need anybody. I don't want to rely on anybody. Ever. That scares the shit out of me, right, but when you're in a relationship and if it's a good and healthy one.

You're going to be like, holy shit, if this wasn't a part of my life, I would be really sad because this person really does bring so much joy and light into my life that if they weren't there.

I would be sad and then, you know, but for me, that's a hard thing to admit to myself, to be like I'm a you love this person a lot and you want them to be in your life for a long time.

And you have to just deal with that, but for me, that feels like a weakness. I'm almost like, oh, you are so weak. If you fucking want somebody to be in your life for a long time and you're afraid of them not having them in your life, like for me, like fearing somebody not being in my life is weakness.

But that's not true. I don't know how I just got there and why that came up. Well, I do, but whatever. I know why you came out, but, you know, that's kind of unrelated, but still. So he said, favorite shoes. I cannot stop wearing high top converse, but I. OK, let's get into this real quick because high top convers there is a. There is a hack. OK, there's a secret that I have I don't like the normal high top converse, and I'll explain why no one there to narrow on the foot.

Number two, the sole on the bottom is too thin. And number three, the material of the canvas of the shoe is too thin. This is why I buy the high top converse in the choux 70s style. They look virtually the same.

But the only difference is they're a little bit wider. The soul is a little bit thicker, the canvas is a little bit thicker, and it comes in better colors that look like cool and vintage. Almost Chuck 70 high tops are far superior to the normal high top converse.

And nobody's talking about this. But I'm here to be the one to tell you that the Converse Truck, 70 Converse look better and they're more comfortable and they come in better colors and they look cooler for some reason. I literally can't put a finger on why, but.

There is a difference, and so keep that in mind. A lot of you are asking me if I'd get another cat, the answer is No. Two is a crowd. I am totally fine with doing two cats I and having two cats. I don't really need to do more.

And I think it's so funny because. Like, I got my cats, I got each cat. Around the time of a breakup. Like two specific ones that just like bugged me were like two specific breakups that just bugged me more than others. For whatever reason and. I just don't I just don't want to get another let's say I don't want to get another cat. Because usually for me, it's like when a cat gets added to the to my family, my little family of me and Declan and Frankie, if another cat gets added, then that means in my love life is in shambles and I really just am not in the mood.

I don't want that. But also in general, I don't think I need another cat, but also don't adopt animals.

Just because you're going through a breakup, that's not a good idea. I mean, I have no regrets about my situation like I wanted them anyway. But it was just like the timing was right. So he said, have you ever felt like YouTube wasn't your thing anymore? The thing is like. Yes, but not recently like I did. I can name a specific time, it was about a year ago.

And it was because I don't know if I've ever talked about this, but I was on a medication that was making my face super swollen and my acne was really bad and it just completely fucked up my self-esteem to a point and made me very, very depressed. And being in front of the camera was. So painful because I hated the way that I looked and. My videos at that time were terrible, I want to I literally want to delete all of them.

I'm not going to, but I want to delete all of them. It was winter of last year, and it was just because my self-esteem was so low, because I was on this medication and my acne was so bad and like I felt like shit because my face was all puffy and, like, hurt and like it just it was such a miserable time for me. And so it wasn't even that YouTube wasn't my thing anymore. It was more like being in front of a camera was like my worst nightmare at the time.

And I had to do it every week. And it showed that I was like hurting. And also, like, I couldn't come up with a good idea because I just hated myself so much. And it showed and it sucks. But it's also like I kept going and I kept moving past it and I kept uploading regardless because I was like, I'm not going to give up, I'm just going to keep going until it passes.

And it did. But it was hard because I was getting a lot of hate during those times because people were like, amateur videos suck right now. And I'm like, well, I want to sleep for the next year until I can get off this medication. It sucked. Somebody said, how are you? Interestingly enough, like, I'm doing a lot better now, I know I'm going to answer this in the beginning, but whatever. I am doing better, but my anxiety is pretty bad, like I know I've been having I mean, it just like actually it's getting better, but I think, like, my anxiety.

Has been kind of bad, so like I'm dealing with that, but at least I don't really feel as depressed right now. It like that's kind of lightening up a little bit, so that's great, but like the is kind of in here that kind of lingers forever for me, but I'm starting to wonder if that just never goes away. You know what I mean? And then it's like, OK, well, then what's the point of me complaining?

You just manage and you move forward.

So that's what I'm trying to figure out. I'm sorry that I talk about it so much, but you guys are just my best, so I can't help it. Somebody just said dream place to travel, which I'm not I don't even I'd go anywhere right now at this point I'm going to say Paris because I just want to go to Paris right now. But this actually just led me to another thought, which is that I've been in L.A. for so long that I'm losing my mind.

That's another reason for my mental health decline. I've been in L.A. for virtually eight months straight. I've only left twice and both trips were like three days.

And they were in my hometown, which doesn't even feel like vacation.

Really, I. Cannot be in L.A. another day. I really want to go to Portland, Oregon. For some reason. That's really like something I want to do. I might literally just go there by myself randomly just because I'm like. I just want to escape, I just think L.A. is just so I just am sick of it. It's like I've never been here for this long in a row. I just need to get out of here. But also, you know, I want to be thoughtful of the pandemic, so.

I don't know how that whole situation works, like whether or not you have to get tested before you go, but also it's like I don't want to go on a trip by myself either, like I think I do. But then if I did that, I would hate it.

So I just need to find some people that would want to go with me. Oh, this is really interesting. Somebody said, why do I feel like it's almost the end and I can't envision myself in the next two years or so? I totally know this feeling I, I like I can't explain to you that I've never seen that be put into words before, but like I a thousand percent feel that, and especially recently. And it's because we're in such a limbo right now where it's like we are just reliving the same day over and over and over and over.

And a lot of us have been for eight months straight with very, very slight differences in day to day.

I and I think that that almost shuts down your imagination because you're like, I can't imagine a life that's different than what we're living right now. We've been doing it for almost a year. I can't imagine what the next two years are going to look like because it's like impossible to use your imagination anymore because they feel like all of our imaginations are fried.

Just know that I think I don't know this for a fact. So, like, do not take my word for it. But I find that when I'm in a slight depressive state, my brain tends to think like that. But it does pass also.

There's so much to look forward to within the next two to 10 years, and just because you can't necessarily picture it in your head doesn't mean that it's not going to be great and doesn't mean that it isn't going to exist. Because I know I get anxiety sometimes when I can't imagine the future.

And I'm like, does this mean I'm going to die? Like, is this the universe telling me that I'm going to die? That's what my anxiety tells me. That's not how it is. I've always gone through I've gone through phases like this thousands of times where I'm like, I can't literally imagine what my life is going to look like in two years because I just I can't even. I just I can't, but I think especially right now in the pandemic, it's even worse, so I totally get it, but just know that it's normal and that in two years things are going to be great.

Just have hope and. Don't psych yourself out because you're thinking like that, it's very, very normal and I'm pretty sure probably happens to everybody. So we said, do you have a habit of getting obsessed with things and then forgetting or leaving them in a short period of time, because I have this now, I know how to deal with it.

I don't I am definitely like that with certain things for sure, not with all things like. There's a lot of things that I remain obsessed with for my whole life and have remained obsessed with for my whole life. But there's also things that like for me, it's like I'm like I'll have like a favorite food for like five minutes.

And then it's like, I don't care anymore. I think that this is like very normal. That's just how your brain works and functions. And there's nothing wrong with that. As long as you're not like let's say you're doing this with people like you become obsessed with somebody that you think is cute for like three days and then you're like, I don't care anymore. And that keeps happening. Or let's say you'll talk to somebody for like a month and then you break it off because you're like, I don't care anymore.

As long as you're handling all of that with grace and you're being kind about it and you're being. Communicative about it, there's nothing wrong with that that's not your fault. You don't need to fix that. That's just you. That's just how your brain works. Don't be hard on yourself. It's all about handling these things with grace. And then if it's something like getting obsessed with like food in the not caring about it the next day, that doesn't matter that who cares?

Like if one day you're obsessed with cheese, it's in the next day you hate cheese. That's it. Who cares. You know what I mean. Like that's your journey. And guess what? It's nobody else's business and it doesn't matter so. I think you only need to be concerned about when it involves other people and even in that case, as long as you're being kind and you're handling it with grace, there's nothing to be there's nothing to change about that.

Somebody said, do you believe in manifesting, you know what I do? Because no matter if it works or not, it's a positive thing.

Like, I don't see anything negative that can come from manifesting.

But also I've manifested things before and it not come true and been very bummed out, but then later realized that it was better that way. And I'm pretty sure I've talked about that in a podcast episodes.

I'm not going to get into that too heavily, but. I do believe in manifesting because I just don't see how it can hurt. How could like sitting in bed and being like, I'm manifesting a healthy, happy relationship for me in like, how could that or like I'm manifesting health and happiness for everybody in my life?

Like, how could that hurt anybody? You know what I mean?

There's nothing negative that can come from that. And putting good energy into the universe and into yourself is like the best thing you can do. And even if one day fucking a scientist comes out and says manifesting is bullshit, blah, blah, blah. Who cares? It feels good, it's comforting and. I think it actually works. But even if it doesn't work, who gives a fuck? Somebody said, do I buy the guy I have a thing with a Christmas gift or not?

Please help. Time is running out and now. I wouldn't and then this is what I do, if he ends up giving you one, then you say, oh my God, I fucking left your gift at home. And then that night you go and you buy him something. Let him set the tone, because if you just have a thing with him. Then and although you know what, I hate gift giving within relationships, I hate it, I hate it, hate, hate, hate it.

There's nothing I hate more because I don't know why.

I don't know why.

But I hate doing, like, Christmas gifts when I'm dating a guy like I fucking hate it where.

Whereas like a random one ofthe gift love. I love if I'm dating a guy I'd love to buy him dinner, I'd love to buy him coffee. I'd love to get him a random spontaneous gift. I love all of that. I love that. But I hate doing specific like holiday gifts because there's never like one of them, like fucking married.

And I'm like 40, like, yeah, I'll get into it.

But it's just like right now relationships are so it's like we're so young and it's just like so it causes so much anxiety. And maybe that's just me. Like some people might really enjoy it, but I just hate it. So I, I just hate it. I don't like it. I just don't like gift giving and gift receiving though.

Anyway in general unless it's spontaneous, I don't like the concept of Christmas or birthdays because I'm like there's so much expectation there for like. Somebody did get you this crazy nice gift or vice versa, and I just think that's toxic. But if your love language is material items or whatever it is or gifts, gift giving, whatever, then, you know, act accordingly. But I just, like, hate it. So anyway. Somebody said, I have really bad anxiety about drugs and alcohol, people that do it give me bad anxiety.

I feel annoying and like a loser that I don't want to do stuff like that. Any advice, by the way?

I'm in high school, OK? I totally get this, but also. OK, there's a few ways you can approach this, No.

One, you can avoid events that like have drugs or alcohol present, like if somebody if somebody is having a party and you know that there's going to be drugs and alcohol, you just skip the party.

And that's hard because it's like you don't have Fomalhaut, blah, blah, blah, blah. But if it's really giving you anxiety, then I would say skipping it wouldn't hurt. You could find something else to do that evening. You could go fuck and get dinner with your parents. You could or your sibling or you could, you know, invite a friend to go do something different so that you guys don't have to go there and be anxious, whatever that may mean.

But also, if you feel like you're in a place where, you know, all your friends are going to this party, you don't want to miss it because you don't want to have Fumo.

And you want to go anyway, the way to handle it is if anybody's trying to peer pressure you into anything, the way that I always reacted to that when I was younger was just being like, oh, my God, no, I'm totally good.

But, like, go crazy, like you have fun and do it.

But, like, I'm gonna pass it just like almost reassuring others that you're not judging them for what they're doing. So that they feel better about leaving you alone. I can't explain the psychology of it, but that's the best thing I've found because I think a lot of people, when they're, you know, doing drugs or drinking, they like want other people to do it with them because it makes them feel better. Even full adults do this. But if you just say, oh, my God, no, listen, like I have I'm I'm having so much fun without it, like, I'm totally good, but, like, you go crazy, have fun.

Like, do your thing, like, whatever. It makes them feel better because they're like, OK, this person isn't judging me for doing this. It's kind of a fucked up psychology. I don't even know if that's like the right way to handle it. Listen, I'm not a genius, but that's something I used to do. And I found that it worked really well.

But also, don't be anxious, like, yes, it's scary and it's whatever. But it's like you have control over you.

You have control over yourself. So just don't participate in it and try to have fun in, like try to have fun in that circumstance. Like, it's not going to be easy because it's kind of uncomfortable for you, it sounds like. But just if you're going to go and you make the decision to go make the most of it and and just remember that you have control over you. And as long as you're being true to yourself and not participating in those things.

Then you're totally good at the end of the day, all you can control is yourself, so focus on that and don't focus on what everybody else is doing, but also maybe just don't go to the parties. They sound lame anyway. Somebody said, I've been feeling really down.

Pretty sad or bored, I don't even know, for example, I text my friends to hang out, but then I cancel the same day. I just can't I'm too tired. I don't know what to do anymore. It's exhausting. Have you ever been through this in what should I do?

I am literally going through this right now. I swear I'm doing this nonstop.

I can't hang out with anybody like in anybody who relatively knows me knows this because I literally.

Cannot make plans right now. Mentally, I'm too drained, I'm too exhausted, I'm too emotional, I just can't fucking do it, so I totally get it. Be patient with yourself. Are people going to get frustrated with you? Maybe. But this is what you need right now. That's what I've been telling myself. I'm like, listen, Emma, you need time to yourself.

Take it, take it. And guess what? If you go back to people later and say, listen, I'm sorry, but I was just like in a rough spot mentally, I couldn't do it.

What are they going to do? What are they going to do? This is normal, it's not personal to be balzar you don't like people and that's way or not know, people think that I hate them because I don't wanna hang out with them, but really, it's just because I do not have the mental stamina to do it. And I admit that to myself and I fucking don't hang out with people. And if they get their feelings hurt, there's nothing I can do.

You know. But I 1000 percent understand that feeling. OK, somebody said, how do you deal with confrontation if my friends and I have a falling out, I feel like I can never get my point across correctly because I'm always nervous and stutter and can't make eye contact. I hate arguing with them, but I do want to say how I feel.

I totally get this because I'm the same way I hate confronting people. I just recently have like gotten better at it because I'm the same way. I used to be so bad and I just was so uncomfortable.

But there's a few ways that you can handle it. No. One, you can write down notes, take a journal or something and just write down what you want to say. And read over it a few times and get really, really like really write it out on paper and really get everything down and out in a safe space where like there's nobody watching, nobody judging.

It's just you and like a notepad or your no sap on your phone, whatever. I'm really like, organize your thoughts first. It's almost like, you know, when you were in high school and or if you are in high school and like, you have to do an essay. Right. And you're not allowed to have any notes with you. You just have to remember everything and you have to do the essay like with no help write for like a test or something.

I remember I used to have those every once in a while.

And so you'd write like a basic layout the night before of like what you want to write in the essay. So that it's kind of laid out in your head, you don't write everything down, but you just get a basic layout for yourself to remember for the next day so that you don't freeze on the test and you're not like, fuck, I have to plan everything right now. In the moment, it's the exact same thing. Get yourself acquainted with the points you want to get across and write them all down and have them solid in your brain so that when it's time to explain what's going on, you have a solid vision about what you want to say.

That helps a lot. But another thing is it's practice. It just takes practice because I'm getting so much better at confronting people, because I've pushed through that discomfort and just done it anyway. No matter how dumb I thought I looked or no matter how much I stuttered, I would just do it, get through it and then realize, OK, wait, this was actually very helpful.

Every time I've ever communicated about something that was bugging me, I felt so much better after. And my relationship has benefited so much from it that now I know, OK, when I do this it it is a positive thing. So I'm going to. Do it, even if it hurts, and over time, you'll get more comfortable with confronting and it will become something that's more like second nature, but it just takes practice.

But I think that, for starters, writing everything down in notes and doing that is very good.

Another piece of advice is if you really, really cannot do it in person and you just cannot get your point across, but you really need to write out a really thought out text.

And I know that that's something where people are like, no communication in person is better, but sometimes you can't mentally do that. And so writing out a long text and doing it that way can be almost even more beneficial because you can really spend time. Kind of making the text perfect, whereas in the moment you might say something that you don't mean or you might explain something incorrectly because you're nervous, sometimes writing on a text is the best option.

So try those out. Hopefully that works. I totally get it, though. Practice makes perfect with confrontation. Now I can confront somebody with, like, virtually no discomfort, which is insane to me because it used to be the scary shit ever to me.

But it also makes me feel so powerful in a way where I'm like, I know that if anybody fucks me over or hurts my feelings, I can bring it up to them and I'm going to get through it and I'm gonna solve it. Whether it means solving it with them or without them, the first step is bringing it up to them and seeing if they're aware of what they're doing, etc. And if they aren't aware and they it's your blindsiding them in a way they'll probably be very.

Excited to fix it with you, and that's what I found, whereas holding things in just creates resentment, anger, pain for all parties. Don't do it. Get your thoughts out in any way you can. My anxiety so bad that sometimes I'll bring up shit or confront people about shit that, like, doesn't really need to be brought up. But it's because my anxiety, I'm so anxious that I need to just bring it up or else I'm going to become angry.

And resentful towards the person and. I've rarely had a bad response to that. Usually people are like, oh, my God, Emma. It's totally just your anxiety. You're totally fine. Thank you for bringing it up, let's move forward and then you move on and it's like this weight has been lifted. Let me tell you, confrontation is key. Communication is key. Anyway, I love you guys. Thank you for listening to this episode, if you listen to it all the way through your savage.

I love you guys a lot and. Before I go, though, if you love the podcast, give it a little five stars on Apple podcasts, follow us on anywhere that you listen to your podcast, Spotify, Apple podcast, whatever.

And that's all. Oh, and follow us on Twitter at a podcast, the one Twitter I have left, and you can participate in the episodes and ask questions or be a part of advice sessions that we do over here.

So that's that. I love you guys. Thank you for listening. Another week and I'll see you next week.

Goodbye. Oh.