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Hello? Yes? Hello? Who is this?

Well, it's hard to say who is this.

Hello? My name is Oliver. I'm coming from Germany. I'd like to speak with Chelsea.

You sound too scary. I'm hanging up. No.

No, no, no. Oliver? I'm really Oliver from Germany. I just like to know whether you.

Received a letter from me. I am terrified right now. You know that there's a vibration to every human voice. You hear how mine right now is sassy, light, fun, playful. Yours is like you are straight up in bed with all the curtains drawn and you have a bunch of weird lab rats for some reason. They're all out by nose. You're writing in blood.

I'm just by myself. It's probably because of.

The timedifferent. Oh, what time is it there?

It's 1:30, 1:20 AM.

What's your normal bedtime?

It's a bedtime. It's sleeping time already. But I needed to know whether you got my letter or not.

Where am I? I need water. Get me out of this anecdote. I mean, technically, it's not an anecdote, but I didn't receive any letter. Itry to find out. I don't know how I would have received a letter because I don't have any public address, nor am I available for a letter receipt.

I sent it to the address.

You- Can we just talk about what's in the letter? What was in it?

It's really hard to sum it up. It's how I found you on some podcast. It's really hard. I sent it to your manager address.

Oh, she throws all those in her fireplace. She's a nut. She just loves to make big, boring fires and she- I'm in a.

Bad connection. I sent it to the address of your manager.

What I'm saying is my manager is a truly despicable person. She burns my mail. She doesn't want me to succeed.

Oh, this is a typical Hollywood manager or- Yes. This is just especially for you.

Oh, everyone in Hollywood does this with all letters. It's a sickness in this town.

This.

Is dead. Yeah, I know, man. Okay. Well, what was in it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was so fascinated by your different appearances on this different.

Podcasts and-.

Oh, okay. -and how you answered these personal questions. Really, it was... It's really hard. I should have saved their copy.

No, you know what? Sometimes these things are just destined to dead end and you can't always.

Control it. I just was wondering whether you received it or not. It's a worst case.

You know what? I feel like you could do a one-man show called Have You Received My Letter? Because you know that English phrase like a motherfucker. It's a.

Horrible connection. I really don't get any sentence complete.

From you. Oh, man. Are you able to hear this? I'm out of here. Call from John. John?

How's it going?

What's up? The topic is your mom. The topic is your mom.

What did you say?

The topic is your mom.

The topic, my specific mother?

Yeah.

All right, cool. What should I tell you about her?

I don't know. What's to know?

Well, she was born in COVID-19 in West New Mexico about 50 years ago.

How old are you?

I'm about 24.

Oh, shit. You're just a young man getting your start in this world. How's life going so far as an adult?

I've already blown a small fortune.

You did?

Yeah.

Why? What was the fortune? How much is a small fortune?

Ten grand? No, when I was 18, the New York Mets gave me $210,000.

Whoa.

Why? Because they thought I was a good.

Baseball player. Oh, my God. What happened? I was.

Like, You're just buying sushi every night thinking I'm the man. Bought a new car. What car? It was a new car. It was a new car. Yeah.

What car did you get?

I got this standard F-150, but then I did stupid stuff.

To it. I did not know what a standard F-150 is. You realize you're talking to a female, right? Oh, my dad. What is that?

It's a Ford truck.

Oh, okay. I would have expected you to say like, I bought a Lambo.

Something like that. I wasn't quite Lambo-rich, though.

I went. Right, right. Okay, so you bought this truck, you got a bunch of soup. You had soup cranking through your sister. Yes, exactly. And then what happened? You started sucking at baseball? Yeah. Bless you. Bless you, boy.

I did. I'm not going to lie. I wasn't as good as I thought I was. My arm wasn't as healthy as I.

Thought it was. What happened to your arm, honestly?

Oh, my elbow blew out, but then I fixed it. Then I came back and just couldn't stay off the bottle.

Really? Are you telling.

Me lies? Yeah. No.

What do you mean you couldn't stay off the bottle? You were drunk?

No, I wouldn't say that much. But when you have to be somewhere at 6:00 AM, it's not advantageous to stay out until 2:00 AM.

That means you ruined your huge career shot with drinking, which equals you have a major drinking problem?

I wouldn't say major. I was irresponsible and too young to understand the ramifications of my actions.

Damn, you sound mad mature right now, though.

I know. It's amazing what happens when you're a broke dick. Sorry, can I curse? Are you.

Allowed to say it? Yeah, you can say whatever you want. See, dick, cunt, cunt, dick.

Okay. I like to keep it Mormon, though, if I can.

Oh, okay, cunt. Now, so you just basically pissed away your chance. And was this the main... What is it? The Minor Leagues and the Major League?

It was just a Minor League, nobody.

And you failed at even that. I did.

Fail at that. There it is. Hey, yeah, that's true. I still have some opportunities coming up. I'm about to go to Australia to play.

Oh, that's cool.

But that's not exactly the Mecca of baseball, though.

You want me to teach you some pertinent Australian terms? Good catch, mate. Australian terms. Exactly. Good throw, mate. That's a good accent, I hope so. There's a koala on the field. Stuff like that should help you.

I could only assume that's what's.

Going to go on. Yeah, it's going to be crazy out there. You got to be ready to bun to koala out into the-Have you been there? No.

Okay. Yet I.

Remain in it. It's going to be crazy, though. Yeah, it's going to be crazy, dog. Okay, so you got your arm back together. Do you still drink now?

Oh, no. Right now, I'm actually drinking a vegetable. I saw that movie, Fat, Nearly, Fat, Thick, and Dead. That's why I've been juicing.

I got to see that. A lot of my friends here in Hollywood juice. It's really irritating.

Yeah, since I live in the L. A. Area, too, they're caught on. Now I've just been getting my nutrients on.

Every day. Are you very tan?

I got a farmer's tan.

Come on, man. You live in the L. A. Area. I hit a poolside, you know what I'm saying?

I'm not a typical L. A. Person. I live in the inland Empire, which.

Isn't very nice. What's that? Compton area?

Like Rancho, Cuckamunga.

I would almost move there just for the name.

It's a bitch, though, when you're writing on an envelope your return address. It's a lot of letters.

Yeah, they should make some official abreave. Rancho, Cuck. Leave it at that.

Rancho, Cooke. I'll go to the town hall meeting next Wednesday and petition for that.

Okay, cool. I hope that you do that. So far, you've been my favorite caller. I feel like you have a lot of potential. I'm glad you've gotten your life back on track. I think you're going to go to the majors after Australia. I just sensed that for you. Your attitude is right. And at this point, I do have to go. Hello. What?

Yeah, hi. Hi. Hi. How are you?

I'm good. How are you? Do you have an accent?

I'm from Australia.

Can you say, Let's put another shrimp on the Barbie, in an American accent?

I'm sorry. Oh, okay. I'll do that. Hey, do you want to put another shrimp on the barbecue and then maybe we can go get a coffee?

That was amazing. I'm so proud of you. You're my favorite girl. You're my favorite girl. He really nailed it. He really did. Dreams come true sometimes, you guys. If you just constantly push, push, push forward through all the resistance and all the negativity, you go to this place where suddenly you're on the phone with an Australian who does agree to do an American accent saying something that's stereotypically Australian, and it all comes together. I can't in good conscience say I have coffee cranking through my sister because I felt like I took four sips and I was already ODing today. Something's happening. Something's in the air. The end is nigh. But you know what it's like when you're on that a schedule. Some of you maybe you work a night shift or you're a creative type and you might relate. You're still asleep and you're not fully up. But someone calls and they have that aggressive energy of like, Come on, this is what the world is doing. We're all up. What are you doing? It reminds me of the new song that I have to premiere today on the P-cast. When a square is really getting on your back.

Just saying, Fall in line, they're calling you. They've got that peppy aggression in their voice in the morning. They're like, Come on, I'm a square. Be a square. Be a square. I'm up. Why aren't you up? This song goes out to you. I'm not fully awake yet. I'm not fully awake. Please call me back or text me because I am not.

Fully awake.

Don't comment on my voice how gravel it is because I'm not fully awake and can't retaliate. Don't comment on the time of day. I work at night so I can sleep in the day. Thank you. Bye.

Did.

Anyone relate? Would this be anyone's anthem? I realize it doesn't have the pep and sass of a coffee crank in, for example. But I think it's going to be a grower, not a shower of songs. Anyhow, let me know what you think on how you guys always tell me all your opinions on things. Call from.

It's Chance, Chelsea.

Oh, my God. One, to send a voicemail, press two. This is my ex-boyfriend. Chance.

What's up, my girl?

All right, so Chance...

I have a beautiful dream, girl.

Well, I'm good. For those of you, I mean, why would anyone know this? Chance is the stage and am, I guess you could call it, of someone that I dated briefly when I lived in New York. Chance, we haven't been in touch, so I'm surprised that you're even calling in.

Well, boo, I've been listening to your podcast, and I'm just so proud of you, girl. I just knew that you would just set your mind to something and make it beautiful. It's like you have so much beauty inside of you. And to see it now, expressed like this like, shit, shit, shit. Even without the support of a man around, and you've just done it. Yo', what's up, kid? I just saw a friend of mine. How are you, Chelsea?

I'm good. I'm just waiting for you to say something you need from me or want.

Chelsea, that's not what this call is about. I mean, it's always, even when we were dating very seriously and I could pleasure you sexually at the drop of a hat, it was always about you. I'm just so proud. And it's great to see a fellow podcaster putting something out there that she believes in.

What? You have a podcast?

Yeah, it's called Take a Chance on this. And it's like a spoken word. It's like a spoken word call and show. So I have callers.

Oh, you have a call and show now? You have a call and show now, really?

Yeah, it's called Take a chance on this because my name is Chance. And every opportunity and experience basically is an opportunity to take a chance. And that's what I think you've done on your call in podcast as I am doing on the first episode of my call in podcast that I have been planning for months before hearing yours.

Wait a minute. You're telling me you've been planning a call in podcast for months prior to mine. And then-.

Basically, Chelsea, that's what I'm saying.

So then you're going to start it soon. But on paper, really what's happening is you heard mine and now you're going to start one.

But, Chelsea, a few corrections on what you just said previously. Obviously, youknow, there's nothing on paper like, Jay Z, I do not write anything down because I've had to memorize my rimes.

And my thoughts. You and Jay.

Z- as far as being on paper. Second, if you know anything about me, it's that I'm a professional. So I've been thinking about this and ruminating and culminating all of my ideas.

I never really thought of you as a thinker.

Okay, well, that was maybe one reason the relationship didn't work out is because you belittled me with your thoughts about my intelligence level.

If I remember correctly, you always copy everything I do, and you're always riding my coatails. You disappear on me for months at a time and are unreachable. And then whenever something good starts going for me, you appear out of thin air and try to benefit from it.

I mean, as in terms of karma, that's what you want to call it, like the world comes and you know that the world acts in mysterious ways and the power, Ja, we'll call it, that that's what life is. You know what I mean?

So basically- Did you just say Ja?

Yes. I mean, however you want to find higher power for me, Ja, Buddha, Inbu, Jay, whoever it is for you, Jay Z, obviously, that's the people, beautiful, black, ebony princesses, Lauren Hill.

Mine would be Wendy Williams.

Okay, Wendy Williams, absolutely. I think she posits in the negative, and that's not something I'm more interested in positivity as far as the band the rest of development goes and other musical heroes like that to me. But, Chelsea, it's like, look, if you want to get into our relationship, I would say.

Like- What is there to get into? Honestly, you cheated on me, right?

Chelsea, I love you too much to date you.

That's crazy.

That's-i'm.

So sorry. That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard a person say to another person.

I love you too much to date you, Chelsea. You were too precious to me. I had to let you go or I would crush you.

Out of my love. That's the biggest cop out. You just wanted to run around and fuck all these different people.

Look, I don't believe in... I believe in monogamous emotional love, but physical love. That's not a monogamous thing to me. That's what we have to.

Share as our- You are so stupid. You're a stupid dummy. Am I? Yeah. You're like a.

Stupid- I think we're falling in love with you, Chelsea. Stupid to think I could trust you.

Stupid to say almost every sentence you said. It's like a big- Will.

You just go out with me, Chelsea? Will you just go out with me? Will you at least go out with me one.

More time? No.

Go to a vegan restaurant. I'm vegan now.

Cool. Well, I'm not, and I don't just do whatever you do on your timeline. My answer is no, I'm not interested.

Was there a- I mean, I would wait by the phone, Chelsea. I would wait. I would wait by this phone because also I'm doing my call-in show right now. So if people want to call into my.

Podcast, they can call into that. You're a copy cat. You're just a dumb copy cat.

Chelsea, that's a negativity that I both love and also I'm frustrated by while we could not work out, you know what I mean?

But you know what? It's negative to just steal someone's idea and act like it's yours.

Okay, so Picasso and Matias, like oh, stealing. No, two great geniuses living at the same time learning from one another, build and growing. I mean, it's like, Nah, it's Jay Z. One isn't without the other. I guess that's right. But you're not my enemy, Chelsea. You're my love. You're my great love of my life.

I guess it's true what you're saying of how different artists can influence each other.

That's what I'm saying. I come up with a calling idea. You jump on it faster because you do it. You choose to do that. Even though it's not fully formed out, I take more time, I figure it out, and boom, you pop out with it. I'm not going to blame you for that.

Listen, listen, listen.

You do it elegantly.

We should definitely get back together. What's that? We should definitely get back together.

I feel like we should date... We should date again, Chelsea, maybe in a casual setting, an open thing, but we should date. No. I need you in my life. I love you so much. Basically, you're the love of my life. And I want to be with you and I want to send you dickpigs on the leg.

You're extremely corny to me. You're extremely corny to me.

You put up your walls and that's cool.

You're extremely corny to me.

All right, well, I don't understand iron- Fucking shut up.

I love you, Chelsea.

No, thank you.

I love you, Chelsea.

No, thank you.

All right, you press your buttons, Chelsea, but I know which button to press. Come on now. Come on, Chelsea. Let me tell you. Yo, Chelsea, come to my New York and poetry slum out here in L. A. No, thank you.

I'll let you out. No, thank you.

Chelsea, I'm going to be to all of this, okay? All right, Chelsea, I love you. And check out my podcast. Take a chance on this. It's a calling podcast for Poetra. No, thank you. I love you, Chelsea. Is.

That was nick Kroll, you guys. You want to see if you have a good food taste, I'll give you a test. How it works is I'll say food and you say good or bad, and then I'll tell you if you're right or not. Okay. Ready?

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Greenbell peppers.

Good.

Wrong. Peanuts.

Bad.

Correct. Almond.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good. Correct. Quinoa.

Good.

Good. Good. Good. Correct. Swordfish.

Not so good.

Correct. Okay. Fillay of soul.

No, not so good.

Incorrect. Let's see if we can get you back in the running with radishes.

Radishes, definitely.

Definitely what?

Yes.

You're correct.

Oh, my God.

Now, this one is going to be a little controversial, okay? Just know you may be being set up for a fall. You may not... Actually, now I'm giving it away too much.

Well, I tend to go the wrong direction, so it's going to.

Work out perfectly. All right, fine. Potato chips, plain potato chips.

Definitely 100% excellent. Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, fuck. I just went to the grocery store to buy you some flavored potato chips and see if I can change your mind. Let's see. Let's do another food just for fun here. You work at a restaurant, so you know food well, you have good taste. White chocolate.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, fuck. Yeah, white chocolate is terrible.

Yes, you are really good. What about olive?

Olive. Olives are good.

When.

After you've done nothing but drink a lot of water and a lot of fruits and vegetables, olive are really salty. So that's like a 50 %, but it's going to be a yes. I'd say yes.

Olives are really good. Okay, you just slid into the base there. And that is correct. And I can't believe I used a baseball analogy. I hate baseball. No offense to my my caller on that episode who played baseball. Okay, let's see here. Did I ask you sun dried tomatoes?

You did not and nothing else.

You are so on fucking fire. You've just triggered off what is now a legendary sound effect. Do you like kale?

It's my favorite.

You are the best person.

You know, it's the best. Kale's Quick Chart.

God, you really are an American hero. You have a wonderful palette. Are you going to become a chef?

I am a chef.

You are?

I'm a home chef, though.

Home chef. What does that mean? You just cook?

I planted a garden in my first garden. My first garden just a couple of weeks ago.

Do you like thyme? T-h-y-m-e? I do. That's one of my favorites. I like fresh thyme in cooking. I like basil. Listen, I feel at this point, I'm really starting to overdo it. I'm going to lose about 90% of my listeners. But thank you so much. You so far have been a delight.

It's an honor to have you. I really love and respect you.

Thank.

You. You're amazing. I wanted to say this, to me, you're a new force on the planet. And it's awesome. You have a vibe, and intelligence, and a level of candor, and really precise diction.

That is so weird. Fucking shut up. I'm just kidding. It's just awesome. Thank you. That is really nice.

My pleasure, man. Thank you so much.

Listen, I got to say, and I'm just going to... I normally don't do this, but I want to shoot a couple comps right back at you. Your food taste is exquisite. It really is. I think that's a really bonding thing if you have similar food taste with someone. Also, your voice, you sound chill. We got off to a little bit of a rocky start here on this call, but we found our zone in which the two of us, as human beings, were connecting and vibing, and that's what it's all about. Thank you again for calling. You were great. Thank you. Thank you. Where's the phone? Cameron. Cameron, what makes love work?

What makes love work?

Yeah.

I have no idea.

Have you ever been in love?

No, I haven't. I have not. Have I ever been in love?

Right.

No.

No, have you? Yes, I have. But do you think some things like, what's up with you? How old are you? Twenty-two. Twenty-two. Okay, so you got some time, right?

I guess so. I don't know. I don't really see.

It happening, but. Why?

I don't know. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone. I don't know.

Why not?

Being around someone for a long amount of time.

So what's your MO right now? You just hit it and quit it.

I'm not even that, actually.

Just- Your abstinence.

-pure.

Abstinence. Emotional and physical abstinence across the board.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I feel like I'm open to whatever, but I just don't seek.

Anything out. Why is that?

I love self-esteem, probably.

What's your worst fear about yourself? What do you hate about yourself?

What do I hate about myself? Oh, God, the list.

Goes on. I hear you. I have that same sickness, just the constant additions to the list.

Yeah, I mean, I've been trying lately to get myself together, exercising and whatnot. But it's like, I don't know, I'm very skinny and awkward.

But a lot of people like that.

Yeah, but I have skin problems, too.

Oh, this is so sweet that you're being so open.

Well, you know. Honestly, I had no idea I would even be out three years left. It's cool. I'm like, whatever.

Yeah, might as well tell your secrets. Where are you located?

Where am I located? Phoenix, Arizona.

I was just there on a layover after vomiting on a flight to Des Moines, Iowa.

I've done that a few times.

You.

Have?

Yeah. Did you vomit into the vomit bag?

Yeah. No, I've done it quite a few times. I used to get sick on planes all the time. One time, I didn't have a bag and I was reaching for it and the lady next to me was like, Here you go. And she patted me on the back while I was throwing up.

Oh, that's really nice because I was surrounded by men and they all just looked at the ceiling and at the walls of the plane. No one said anything to me. I vomiting. There was no vomit back, and I was so disoriented. I was massively nauseated. I just pulled the seat back open and puked into it in front of me, the pouch on the seating front of me. Oh, my God. Yeah, and then it was dripping out of the bottom of the thing onto my stuff. I'm pulling a dirty tissue out of my purse and wiping my hands in my jean jacket. There was puke on my little cute little jean jacket. All these guys around me- Oh, no. -not one of the people next to me said, Hey, are you all right? Do you need anything? They just all pretended it didn't happen. I projectile vomiting into that seat pocket.

Oh, God. Well, that's the other. I haven't had anything that awful, but that's-.

But you get air sickness?

Oh, God. I used to a lot, but I don't anymore.

What changed?

What changed? I don't know. It was just as we got older than I guess maybe more used to flying. I don't know.

But the thing is I fly all the time. I think I got food poisoning, but it is weird. In the last month, I've had two flying experiences now where I was extremely nauseated. One, I think, was from a migraine and one was from food poisoning. But it is making me more nervous to fly because I'm associating flying with feeling nauseated and feeling like I'm on a pill. Yeah.

No, that used to happen to me. I used to just always be in constant fear of it. And then I got over it. But I remember one time I had a salt and vinegar, chips and tomato juice on the flight. And my eight was like, That's the most acidic thing you can eat. Of course.

You're going to throw up. Oh, that's interesting. I mean, tomato juice is actually a smart thing to get on a flight because it's filling. But the problem is it's very high in sodium. And you're supposed to, when you fly, avoid sodium because the dehydration that happens to you when you're flying. Well, yeah.

Smart. Then I add salt and vinegar chips.

And tomato juice. Did it look like you were puking blood?

I don't know. I don't think I can ever really look at it. It's just like in the bag and shut it down.

Yeah, I wish I had had a bag. That would have made all the difference in the world. I do not like vomiting. I will say I've always been a person who's avoided it at all costs. To do that in front of people on an airplane, what a nightmare. Shout out to US Airways. That stewardess, by the way, was so mean. Speaking of nice people, I ran to the back after I vomiting, and I told her I just vomiting, and I spit in the sink. She was like, Don't spit in the sink. I was like, Oh, I'm sorry. She's like, The toilet is right there. I was like, All right, sorry. Then I go, Well, I was trying to get your attention. She goes, Why don't you press the call button? I was like, Well, thank you for your compassion. She was like, If you only knew, I'm the most compassionate person. It's like, you know what? I don't think compassionate people have to announce it in that way. You could just tell by their behavior. Call from. Redda. Redda? Redda.

Hold on a second. Why is it still on speaker?

Get it off speaker.

Are you still on?

Yes.

I just checked Instagram and realized it was.

Still on time. You guys, Redda is calling. You love her from Parks and Recreation. She deserves and merits one of our favorite new sound effects, the jackpot. Could be shortened. I'll be honest, it could be shortened just a titch.

That's what a hell.

Of a jackpot. Redda, are you in a Hollywood trailer right now?

I am.

What do you do to entertain yourself? I do to be.

Easy.

Listening. Huh? What do you do to entertain yourself when you're in your trailer between shooting?

I am listening to... I don't know if you can hear it. Oh, the speakers are on the other side of the trailer. Baby, do not tell me what my thanks.

, that's what I do. I listen to them immediately, listen.

That's nice. What else would you like? Do you have candles in there? I never went in your trailer when I worked at Parks, so I don't know what you have going on.

I don't know. I have a train of thought. I got a pinboard that I have it put up. Okay. Itried to get up, get up, because I was trying to lose weight and I had to fuck it.

Did you hurl it out the door?

You know what?

Did you hurl it out the door?

No, it wasn't cheap.

Oh, I'm trying to hold on to it.

I'm confused. Okay, so are you recording.

Right now? Yes, this is all part of the show, potentially. The topic, have you ever been attacked by a bear?

I have not. I mean, unless you mean a large gay man, in which case, no.

I still have it. Have you had a sexual experience with a gay man?

No, I have not. Well, I may have. You never know.

What.

Does that mean? I've been gay at the time.

Oh, right. That's always an option. Do you think a lot of guys are gay that you've hooked up with?

No.

I tend to think a lot of people are.

I usually get the dirty horses.

Oh, yeah. You feel like a freak side to you, right?

Not really a.

Freak side.

But I'm willing to tour teen.

Well, how do you meet people? Is it hard when you're in the public eye?

Well, now, yeah, I feel like I can't meet anyone.

Right. You wouldn't go on a dating site or something.

No, but I've always been creeped out by those anyway.

Yeah.

I know plenty of people who have found their soulmates, supposedly.

Really?

Until they end up skinned. But plenty of people have found their soulmates so far.

Are these L. A. People in L. A?

Huh?

People in L. A. Found their soulmates?

I don't know that any of my friends in L. A. No, I think it's.

Outside of L. A. Don't you think it's hard here?

I do. I think it's impossible.

Everyone's.

Like- I know it's obviously not impossible people get.

Married, but- Right. I'm going to marry a coyote. A coyote? Yeah, that's the only thing that seems really consistent and plentiful out here.

I.

Know, exactly. I would admire their scrappiness and Majesty.

You get to live in the hills.

Yeah, live in the hills. Certain zladafeev.

Like, girl, what are you saying?

In the hills with my man. With my man in his den. The Coyotes have dens. I don't know. I don't know. Are you excited that Dwight Howard is now on the Lakers?

I didn't realize he was, but he's not really a Lakers fan.

What? Are you a fan of any sports or no?

Not really. I cheer for the teams that my dad like, and I'm a Duke basketball fan.

Yeah, but he doesn't like the Lakers.

He doesn't live here. He's from Jersey, so he's a giant fan.

Okay. All right. All right. All right. You guys, me and Redda had a wonderful scene that we were able to do together. We didn't get to shoot it together, but it was edited together in which I gave her a makeup tutorial on Parks. It did hit the cutting room floor, but I have to say, we had incredible chemistry, and that most likely, it will be turned into a movie.

I'm sure. I think it's still... You could still see it online at some point.

That's right. That's right. It is somewhere online. I feel bad because my park- It's so crazy.

Because that was my whole storyline was staying in the park's office while they went to the skating rink.

I know. I know it's so hard. It's so hard when there's so many great talents in one television show to fit everyone in.

They were shooting a party. I drank so much of this fake champagne. I'm about to fucking jump off a building.

Is it Martin Elley's?

Well, no, it's like a peach, Fizzy.

Peach drink.

I'm not sure what it is. It's good, but it's good. But after a full.

Day of it, it was- Yeah, that's a lot. There's so many trials and tribulations. Do you think acting is the hardest profession out there in the world? I do not.

No, I can't. I mean, it could be a struggle. Every once in a while, you got to wear a spank for 24 hours.

It is crazy when you'll be talking to your friends or work in entertainment and you're complaining about this or that, and then you really look at your life and you're like, I woke. It's just crazy how... I mean, we're truly blessed. Would you say we're blessed? No kidding.

No doubt. I mean, to even get to work is a big freaking deal.

I know. Do you like Shannon Tudum before we get out of here?

I do. A great deal. I enjoy him.

Did you watch?

I just made a reference to Magic Mike in my last thing.

You did? Uh, that makes me so happy.

It's an improv line.

It was? Oh, my God. That makes me so happy. I'm like-.

I said, This guy is dancing and I was like, Oh, Magic Psych.

No, no.

Oh, no. Why do.

You ask? That is hilarious.

Because he's right here.

Oh, my God. Do you like him? Shannon Tatum's with you? No, I'm not.

Saying why do you ask? I thought you were.

Going to say he's right here. I got so excited that you're going to put him on the phone. No, I think he really had a layered performance in Magic Mike. I thought he really knocked it out of the park. I really enjoyed that song Pony by Genuine, which was on my very first reel. That was the soundtrack that I chose for my reel, a true consummate professional. Stop it. No, it really was. It was like, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then it's just like me acting in a web episode.

Oh, my God.

That's fucking hilarious. Yeah, so when that scene happened and I'm like, Oh, my God, it's not. It's the meeting of everything I love in life. Channing Tudum, genuine. I mean, it was all coming together. I couldn't believe it. I was with the- It.

Was.

Pretty amazing. When I went to that movie, I was with a girl who was not that into it. I kept like punching her in the arm every scene and like, Yay! I'm like, How is this a movie? How is this life? She was just like, texting. I'm just so bored.

I went with Team Gay Boys and we were.

All about it. That's the dream. I should have done that.

I've got to go back.

To set. Okay, we'll have a wonderful time on set. We have a real live LA actress on the line has to dash off to set, everyone. Thank you, Redda, for calling.

We love you. Thanks for taking.

My call. We love you here at the show.

Oh, thanks, Joe.

Green bell peppers.

Green bell peppers. You know what? I'm more of a... What are these small peppers called? The tiny ones that you get at an olive garden and the salad.

Oh, you're talking about- Those peppers are great. -you're talking about pepperonchini.

Yeah, that's what they call. Greenbell peppers, I'm not the biggest fan of.

That's correct. That's a great answer. There you go. Yeah, that's correct. I don't love that you've dragged the olive garden into this, I'll be honest.

With you. Well, that's the only way that I really know how to describe those peppers because that's... Yeah, I'm sorry.

Because that's your go-to spot. I love olive garden. I'm broke.

Oh, really? I've been there once only. But listen, hey, if you're broke, you got to do what you got to do.

Endless possible. It's one of those things where my mother always wanted to go to olive garden as a kid. I felt my mother, I have a fancy case. As a kid growing up, when you think like, olive garden is top shit, and then you realize one day that your mom is just a broke bitch.

Oh, my God.

You think that's like, All-Guard.

Oh, my God. You just took me through a roller coaster of emotions. I mean, first, when you started saying that was a fancy place, I was like, Oh, man, I'm really being elitist. I started tearing up. I felt bad. Then you called your mom a bitch. I was like, Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Well, what's the world here?

Whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just took off on me. That's what you do to a female when you start calling your mom a bitch around her.

Well, let me tell you a reason why. This is a short 30-second story I can just tell you. When I was about 30.

Years old- Hey, wait. Before you do, I got a 30-second story to tell you.

Okay.

It's the story of a girl's spirit leaving when you describe your mother as a bitch. Well, I'm not a bitch. Okay, let's hear your story, really. Let's hear it.

All right. I was about maybe 14 years old. It was about eight o'clock at night, dark outside. My mother said, Zek, you have to mow the lawn right now. Mom, but it's dark out. What if I run over some rocks and fuck up the lawnmower? No, Zek, you have to do it now.

I mow the-That's a good excuse, by the way. As far as kids, we always have to think of excuses for chores.

Exactly. And then it happened. I actually ran over a rock, broke the lawnmower. Oh, my God. Like I said, it probably would have happened. I walk inside, she throws a concrete coaster at my face. Oh, my God. We're like 15 feet away. A concrete Indian, Native American hippie dreamcatcher design coaster.

The irony. It bruised my face for five days, and I had to go to school and pretend that my mother didn't abuse me.

What did you tell people happened?

I told them that I called my dad. I think I told them that my dad hit me or something because I said something because I didn't want to sound like a bitch in a toaster throw and not even from my mother.

You know what I'm saying? Oh, my God. Do you know that my show is becoming a safe haven for people to share their stories of physical violence and abuse in their upbringing? Yeah. That's crazy.

That she threw- Yeah, it's not so bad, though. I was never molested as a child.

That's great. That is great.

That's good stuff. That's fine. Man. What the hell was that? It's so loud over this phone. Was that a crowd cheering?

Yeah, that's a crowd cheering that you weren't molested. We're so happy about that here at the show.

Let's give it up.

For that.

Let's give it up for not being molested.

Yes, that was a huge point that we're happy about. But listen, was your mom a hippie? Why did she have that dream?

She is, actually, yeah. My mother was a stoneder, too, and I didn't find that out until I was about 18. She hid that from me. She believed that dreamcatchers kept out bad evil spirits and hippie nonsense.

But did she not feel that she herself may have been an evil spirit when she threw something concrete at your head?

That's the thing I try to tell her all the time. I'm a pretty peaceful kid, babe. My mother was crazy. She would do so many crazy things. One time, I came home from my father's after they recently got divorced. She told me and my three-year-old sister that she took a whole bottle of pills and she was going to overdose and die. And she was just kidding. She was just kidding. Right. And this is some shit. This is some shit. This is what people like people from.

The box. Yeah, she was putting you through her emotional trauma. But you know what? This is all serious stuff. And honest to God, you called me a bitch in this call, and then you called your mom a bitch. I think your real psychology is coming up. No, I don't care. I'm a strong, tough person.

The truth is, Chelsea, I'm the sweetest man to women. I treat women very well, very respectfully. When I called you bitch, I think it was just some inner, like nervous rage that I was having because I was so shocked when I was talking to you.

I said, Oh, my God. I got.

Turned up to heat.

But do you know that the sweetest people don't have inner, nervous rage?

Inner, nervous rage.

That's not a term that applies to the sweetest people. The sweetest people are like, Oh, I'm so nervous. I'll just say hi. I'm so scared.

Hi, Chelsea. I'm a huge fan. Yeah.

But see, you're- I'm a huge fan. Thank you. I understand you come from a difficult family, so your whole system is set up to be defensive and protective. I don't hold it against you. I totally get it. But I do in all total sincerity, that sounds fucked up what happened to you and your family, and maybe you should get therapy. Would you ever do it?

Well, I was in therapy when I was 16 in high school, but I haven't been there since. I'm not opposed to it.

You're like, My therapist was a bitch.

Therapist for little pussy.

My therapist was a bitch, and so I had to quick- What?

He was creepy and weird, and he had a lazy eye. I'll be with my therapist, and I would have my dad there with me. I couldn't tell if he was looking at me or my dad half the time. We'd be talking to that shit like, Have you ever gotten beaten? You talked to my dad, dad. You're talking to my dad?

You're talking to me. Yeah, you were a real jokester in therapy, right? They love that.

I was a jokester. They love that.

What do you do now?

I play drums. I play for several bands, Van der Hamic members.

Anything I would know?

Like drug problems?

What? Anything I would know like Katie Perry?

Oh, yeah, I played drums for her and Justin Bieber back up drums for about three months last year.

That would be crazy, honestly. You joke about it. Yeah, that.

Really.

Would be. You'd be fucking amped. That's cool. I always wished I could drum, but I don't think I have the ability to do multiple things at once.

Yeah, yeah. It's not too hard, really. I mean, to me, it came fast. But some people just have that music at them, you.

Know what I'm saying? Because you have all that nervous rage that powers you.

I got that nervous rage. I got these evil thoughts running through my brain.

You should start a band called Nervous Rage.

Nervous Rage? You know what? It don't think that name.

Is taken. And put out an album where every song title has a word bitch in it.

Or everything just how a woman can ruin your life.

In.

Some way.

Shape or form. Have you had a woman ruin your life romantically?

Oh, my God. I've been going through this thing, actually, now that you mentioned it, with my ex-girlfriend for the last year. I think we broke up a year ago. But it's one of these things where I like her or love her or whatever. She loves me, but she's with somebody else. But she texted me all the time like, Oh, I miss you and all this shit. I'm like, Yo', you're with another man. Well, why is she?

Why is she? Ps, again, your mom was unavailable emotionally, and now look what you're in.

I know. I'm a hard-broken mess, Chelsea.

I know. It's hard. It's really hard. You have to break the cycle. Well, this call is about 45 hours long.

This is a long call. I listened to you last podcast. I don't think anyone was on the phone with.

You this long. You've been an interesting character. You're troubled yet at core, a sweetheart. You got to work through your problems and become the man-.

No, I can stay positive, Chelsea. That's the number one thing.

What?

Positive energy. You got to stay positive. You can get through anything. You know what I mean?

That's what it's all about. Yes.

You don't seem to be just about that. No, I do. Were you a negative person, Chelsea? A negative thinker?

I'm both. I'm a hybrid.

Yeah, I know. There's a lot of people like that. Most people wouldn't even admit that. Most people would lie. That's why I like you, Chelsea. Thank you. I can't think of a word, but you're a good spirit.

Thanks. You've really turned around. You've really come around in this call. I've really seen the whole spectrum of your capabilities. And I got to say, go to the good side. You could be a really good guy. I think you can do it. So thanks for calling.

Can I sing you a song before I go? Can I just sing a little song? We're going to make up for you? Yeah. Okay, I'm just going to make this on the spot. Chelsea Poo Betty. You are the baddest bitch in comedy. I love you so much and you make me laugh. That was for you.

Oh, my God, that's amazing. You really are an interesting person. I have to say, I love that you were able to shoehorn the word bitch into the sweetest song I've ever heard. All right, we got to go. Yeah, just give it up. Thank you very much, bitch. Bye. Oh, it looks like we're out of time. Goodbye. Come on. Bitch, bitch.

Mark.

Marcus? Yeah. How are you? This is Chelsea, Pretty. Thank you for calling. Thank you so much for calling. I know I sound sarcastic, but this is how I said when I'm trying to sound when I'm trying to sound grateful. I really do appreciate your participation.

Yeah, is it? Well, hi.

How's it going?

It's going great. I didn't wait for you to finish making my machos. I just went for it.

What are you talking about?

I started making machos when I called you. I was going to ask you to help me figure it out, but I just finished it.

Now, see, my instinct is I want to be like, How would I know that? But I'm trying to be really nice this episode. I'll just say on a positive level, I love machos. What's your technique?

I was going to say so far, you've been so much nicer to this episode. Just the talk.

Thank you. I'm really trying to just listen to people's feedback, the constant criticism, and really try to give people more of a shot.

Are you focus-grouping?

I wouldn't say I'm focus-grouping, but I will say Twitter is basically one long focus group on a bad day.

Yeah, I know.

Have you ever been attacked by a bear? Oh, my God.

Yeah, I was seven. It was my grandparents on a road trip. That's a true story. And it actually fell asleep in front of the car. We had to wait for it to wake up and leave.

You're kidding me.

Is that a joke? No, I'm not kidding you. That was my first experience with a bear. It was a baby black bear.

Four in the morning. Oh, my God. It must have been so cute. Where was its mom?

That's the thing is I've always thought bears are cute since then. I've never even really been afraid of them.

Yeah. Why didn't you guys reverse?

There was like a line of cars. We were the first car to hit it, get up to it.

It was sleeping in the middle of the street?

Yeah, it was just laying there. It was really early in the morning.

Is this a lie?

Why would I lie about that? You asked me about my bear attack. I have one bear story ever. I told you.

I told you. So a bear just crawled into the middle of the street and laid down - It.

Was something like a mountain tent. I told you. I told you. Because I was not telling you the story.

Why?

Because I always wish I had a bear text. I always wish I had the cool story one way like the clutch story in the moment.

No, I think that's a pretty good story. I'm just continue to be feeling like we're walking the line where I can't tell if you're yank in my chain. I'm very beautiful.

Not at all. Not at all. Black Bear. It was near Fraser Park, California.

Kelsey Grimer has a park? You can hang up on me. I'd understand. Call from Audrey. Audrey. How are you? Oh, my God. Where are you calling from now?

Missouri.

Missouri. What do you do in Missouri?

Well, I'm 14, so I just go to school.

I'm stuck here. Oh, tight. The topic today is crying hard. When is the last time you cried very hard?

Maybe.

Last night. Why?

Because high school freshmen.

Exactly. Are you experiencing bullying? It's a real hot topic.

Yeah, bullying isn't good.

What did they say to you?

Well.

It's like...

I'm sorry, this is really boring, but I was in nutrition and wellness, and they had to have a guy come up to me and asked me to... Homecoming is just embarrassing because there's a popular hose, and it happens.

Wait, he asked you to come to you to homecoming as a joke?

Yeah.

Oh, that is not fucking okay. Listen, this guy, he asked you to prom as a joke?

Homecoming.

Homecoming. And did you say yes?

Well, no, I knew it was a joke because it's... But yeah, I didn't... I was there like.

Well.

I said no.

And he.

Was like, But I'm being serious. Can I get your digits? And I was like, No. And so he went over back to the table with all the little popular hoes, and he pretended to cry and stuff. And then she would get really loud, obnoxious, and be like, Why did she say.

Oh, my God. That just really makes me so glad to be an adult. And I have to tell you, this man's future, I can almost guarantee you, is going to be very dark. So while he reign supreme over your little school environment, I really wonder what his future holds. And I'm going to tell you, it's probably a boring job and either a dysfunctional marriage or a life alone. It's uncool what he did to you. I'm angry on your behalf. It's triggering off my lioness, protective, nurturing instincts. Do you have a group of friends at school that you love? That's what really makes the difference, right?

Yeah, I do. Luckily, I'm not one of those people who don't have anyone to lean on. So, yeah.

What makes the popular girls popular, do you think?

Djs, I don't know.

You've never blown someone? No. My whole operation is going to be shut down just for asking me that. But listen, that's great. Abstinence is wonderful. Just hit the books, stay focused. Don't let these dumb-dums throw you off your path to greatness. Because usually, my experience is that the people who are popular in the younger grades usually wind up going nowhere in life. It's the weirdos, the freaks, the outcasts that wind up really doing things that are interesting with their lives in a long-term way or shooting up the school. I hope that you'll develop in the other way. I want to say the latter or the former, but I always forget which is which. Just don't shoot up your school. Thank you. I'm sorry I didn't mean you.

Call.

From?

Stephen.

Nathan. Hello? Nathan.

Is this a Nathan?

Who.

Is it? This is Steven.

Steven? Steven. What a mix up. It's just wild hijinks that people keep coming back for. It's a laugh-a-second, goof them ups, mix them ups, things like that. But, Steven, what's your story? Today, we're talking about crying hard. When is the last time you really cried? You really went through some emotions.

When I saw that Batman movie, maybe. Really? And you see at the end of the movie, when it was like, Batman, he made it. He didn't die in the explosion.

Oh, my God.

And he's with the catwoman.

Oh, my God. You sound like a little boy right now. That's very cute. So you were excited for Batman?

Yes.

Because I always think about with my nephews, for example, they're just these little bundles of emotions. They're sweet. They feel stuff really intensely. I'm like, At what point do they turn into men where they have to guard and hide their emotions so much more and try to prove to the world that they're tough?

But you know? Well, this isn't an.

Honest call. Right.

So that's why it's like, well, I'll tell you that I cried during Batman. Yeah. We were talking face to face, and no, I'll be fucking tough as nails. I wouldn't have said I've cried ever.

I've never cried. That's the beauty of this whole setup. People are sharing so many things with me, and I love it. What else do you cry to since you're being open? I mean, is there any other instances that we might get into?

Wally. Have seen Wally?

Yes.

Yeah, I told you, every time after that first time, the two robots hold hands, every other scene that they were in, I cried.

I totally cried. You know what? I don't remember really crying to that movie. I know a lot of people did, but I have cried to crazy movies such as Short Circuit Two.

I haven't.

Seen that. As well as Glitter, the Mariah Carey vehicle. I cried in that movie. I think.

Mariah Carey cried a lot after that.

Movie, too. I get you. You're zinging Mariah a little bit. I'm sure she's in.

A strange-I think she also cried when Nikki Minage bitch-slept her behind the scenes on.

American Island. I did not see that. Are you following this whole war they have going?

No, I'm a fan of Nikki, but no, I don't follow celebrity fusedes.

Thank you for opening up. It is 5,000 degrees here in the studio, so I am going to go put ice cubes all over my face in the bathtub. I'm going to fill a bathtub with ice and then go ahead and get in there until I'm gone. But thank you so much for calling.

No problem. Call from?

David.

Phapp. Text. David. David. David, what's up?

Hey, how's it going tonight?

It's going great, David. The topic is soup. Why is it so boring as a food? Do you like it? Why do some people like it? Whereas I personally hate soup.

Soup is a disgusting swirl. Basically, it's like taking stomach contents and putting them in a bowl. It's really the food of peasants, really. What more water down through to get people to get away with it.

You're my favorite color. Listen, you fucking get it, man. Soup sucks.

It's disgusting.

It's like the.

Same- What's your preference? Tomato or cream-based?

I don't like soup. I don't understand how that's your follow-up question. You just ranted against soup and then asked me, Which is my favorite? I'm so thrown right now.

Well, if you had to eat soup.

Which one would it be? Okay, now we're talking. Now we're talking. If I had to eat soup, there's one that I like that like asame. It's hard to describe without sounding really pretentious.

What was your earliest childhood experience where you didn't like to eat soup?

What is that sound in the background? Do you have a human slave?

No, I have a donkey, actually. Oh, my God.

Yeah, I'm.

From Canada. I live in the prairie and I actually have a pet donkey.

Oh, my God, you have a donkey?

Yeah, he's a miniature, but he's still about 400 pounds.

Oh, my God. What are we talking about soup for? Soup. Hit the road. I don't know. What do you do with your donkey?

I just look at him. I have four pigmeagoats and he protects them from cow. We got real bad cow here in Canada. Every farmer's got donkeys to protect.

Their cows. That is crazy. I have so many questions. First of all, Los Angeles, we're plagued by coyotes as well. They're everywhere. Oh, really? Yeah, they're all over.

Well, because you have a... Sorry. You have a donkey shortage, probably. That's why.

Yeah, we should start flying in a bunch of donkeys. I don't know if that's the best way to do it, but that's the first thought I have as a traveler.

Yeah, but they're very emotional. They're just like a dog, but a lot bigger and stinkier. But anything you do with the dog, you do with the donkey.

Did you ever hurt a donkey's feelings?

I did, yes. One Cardinal sin is if you ever turn your back to a donkey, they take that extremely harshly. That's how sensitive they are.

Oh.

My God. Mine actually poutes for about probably about half a day. If I make the mistake of turning my back on him, he'll literally get this look on his face and he'll just walk away and he won't.

Talk to me. Oh, my God.

It's just like having an extra girlfriend, really, and- Uh-oh.

Now we're getting into dicey territory, Canada.

That's right, yeah.

But now, how does he defend... How does a donkey defend your... What did you say? He defends the cows?

Most farmers here have cows and they use the donkeys to protect them. But I got pig and the goats. What they do is they just use their front front hoots like sledgehammers and they'll bash it down or they'll pick it up with their teeth and body-slam it. And it sounds bizarre, but donkeys are actually extremely high performance animals. Oh, my God. I would say their mouth speed is like a tiger or a lion or something like that. They're very ferocious.

Oh, my God. First of all, this is the most amazing call I've ever had in my life, and that's including personal calls. I go on nightwalks all the time in Los Angeles, of course, with several teams of bodyguards. But what is amazing is we will see coyotes all the time. One time they were skulking along after me and my friend, Natasha Legereau, comedian, and we were so scared that we had to call for a car to get us. But anyway, what I'm.

Thinking- Yeah, you know what? They were tailing you guys. They were going to attack. If one of you would have tripped or bent over to Thai shoelace, they would have got you for sure. Oh, my God!

That's so scary.

Honestly, you're probably within 20 seconds or just if you would have dropped your phone or something and reached, they would have saw that momentary weakness and just lunged.

That's absolutely what they're trying to do. American comedy would have never been the same. That's so scary for America. That is so scary.

They're cut, like yeah. You got to be careful in those.

Night walks. I mean, I'm seriously thinking about buying a donkey now, and I bring it with me walking around Los Angeles.

Yeah, you could. You know what? They're very mild-mannered. You could put saddle bags, you could put all your computer stuff. You could even put a karaoke machine. They're quite sturdy beasts.

That is really a good idea. You're really going to change my life in the sense that no one's going to ever want to hang out with me. I'm like, You don't want to do donkey karaoke on a nightwalk? Come on.

Yeah, and you can even have a car battery on the other side of them, and it could be powered. As you walk, you can sing. So it's a win-win. And any geeky guys or losers, they won't come up to you, but you only get the sensitive, rugged outdoorsman guy.

Would a donkey protect you against a human man?

For you, it's going to be a guy magnet, guaranteed.

No, my question is this. Could a donkey, if some man on foot came to attack you, would your donkey protect you against that other human being?

He probably would. He's just like a dog. He could sense my friend from full. So if somebody come up to you aggressive or snippy or just had bad posture, he would just probably lunch, grab him by the middle of the shirt, the solar plexus, lift him up and then body-slam him right down. And it.

Would just be like that. That would be so funny.

And then he would probably look at you and you could decide if he would stomp him or you just let him go, like the year and he with the thumb. So you'd have that option. But he'd drop that guy for sure.

That'd be crazy if it turned out like you were just completely insane. Like donkeys can't do any of this. You're just so bonkers. I'm like, Thank you for this factual information, sir. No, this has been fascinating. Thank you. You've really knocked it out of the park on this call. I wish the best to you and your donkey and all of your pigmy goats.

Goodbye. Well, thank you. Maybe I'll tweet you a picture later on.

I would love that. Please do.

Goodbye. I'll ask him first if I want his permission, but if he agrees, I'll tweet you a picture.

Okay, now you're sound a little crazy. Listen, put some videos up on YouTube. Put some videos on YouTube. Bye. First things first out here in Hollywood, okay? You got to find the cool friends that you can trust and rely upon. Now, I mean, it's really looking like you need a pet donkey. The topic today is parental punishment. What method did your parents use to punish you? How did that impact you for the rest of your days?

Jeez, oh, Pete. When I would fall down off of my bike as a kid, I remember my mom putting lemon juice and salt and it teach me to be more charitable.

Oh, my God! That is so abusive. What in the world? I'm just talking.

With you. I'm completely joking. That didn't happen.

Oh, my God! But even that your mind created that indicates severe abuse in your family.

Yeah, I don't know where that came from. What were some of yours?

I don't know if I had timeouts, but I feel like my family is the kind that would have done that.

I was thanked as a kid. I remember that a lot, often more so than my brother and sister. I was the oldest.

I was the youngest.

I do remember my dad punching me in the stomach one time. I was 10 or 11.

But.

I.

Was.

Really smart. I had my kid. I was really.

Being a part of that. That happened. Then he.

Just went, Oh, jeez. He's not touching me. He thought.

That he would make everyone...

Whoa.

You just triggered off our new jackpot sound effect.

That was crazy. I didn't know it was happening. You're dead.

Your dad pushed you in the stomach, and I really felt that we had hit. Yeah, that happened. We had hit a real jackpot in what the theme was versus what you had to say. It all came together, triggering off our new sound effect that we're very proud of here at the show, the jackpot.

That was amazing.

That.

Happened. I thought my phone was picking up on something else. I didn't know what was going on.

How old are you when your dad punched you in the stomach?

I don't know. I have to be 10, 11, or 12, maybe.

That's fucked up. I mean, that is really a sucker move. Can you imagine having a kid and punching the kid in the stomach? No, it's crazy.

I can't believe I said it out loud. I've never told anybody that.

That's what this show is all about, man. Confirming abuse. Right. Well, you think you'll punch your kids in the stomach or you probably hold off?

I'll definitely punch them in the stomach. I turned out great, and I think that's a great way to handle the situation.

What do you do?

Right now, I'm serving just waiting tables. I do a phantom comedy in my spare time, and I'm trying to get some acting work.

Okay, so a little bit of everything. Listen, we wish you the best. It looks we're out of time. Goodbye. Call from-.

Richard Marks.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we have a true legend here on the phone, Richard Marks of Right Here Waiting Fame. Richard, are you there?

How's my favorite Chelsea of all time?

I'm great. Let's give him an applause. Richard.

Charlie, you're concerned I've only really done one song.

Yeah, that's the only one I really latched on to because that's the one with yearning in it. Is that not your favorite song that you've made?

I've made so many songs, but that was probably the biggest one around the world.

But- I always like Sad.

I know you only like that one. That's okay. At least I have.

One that you like. No, I like other songs like I Will Get Into Some Other Stuff. I'll get into some other-stuff, I'll hold on to the night or whatever. But that one has that yearning where if it comes on when you're driving in a car, you're going to just be singing along in tears, thinking about all the wrong choices you've made and stuff.

That's what I was hoping when I wrote it 20-something years ago.

Twenty-five years ago. Twenty-thousand years ago. Twenty-thousand years ago. Wait, do you hate it when people talk about that song?

No. Why would I hate that? I love that song. I'm really grateful for that song as a hit. Please sing it. Why would I know?

Sing it. Sing it.

This is our duet moment.

I know. I'll join in.

Ready? I'll sing the first line then you'll find me. Wherever you go.

Wherever you do.

I will be.

Right here with you. I'm waiting for you. People are crying in their hearts right now. Wait, I want you to sing more of it. I just want you to hear it. Please.

Yeah, I have proved you can sing, though. I have proved you can sing. You were right in tune. You were right in key with me.

I'm really proud of you. I don't even know what tune or key is. I mean, your voice, the way I met Richard, you guys, I don't know how this even happened, but I got to go hear him sing at this intimate thing in Culver City, one of the most beautiful cities on the continent.

I think it was the.

Craiglist thing, actually. Yeah, it was intimate. I don't know what the.

Categories are. You answered my ad in Craiglist.

Yeah, and I got to see. His voice is crazy. I went with Mocha Kasher. We were both in tears. We were like, This guy. I mean, it's like when you see that someone's a legend and you're like, Oh, this is why they're a legend. First of all, hit after hit. Did you guys know he wrote the song Dance with My Father? Is that the correct title? That's correct. I just always call songs by their chorus, but...

No, it is. That's the name of that. I wrote it.

With Luther. Luther, Van der Rohe, ladies, and gentlemen.

You know what I mean? There's a legend. That is a legend right there.

What was.

It like? He was a legend. I'm a poser. He was a legend.

Come on. You're so always hard on yourself. You're not a poser. You're one of the American greats. How many people can say that? Okay, fine. What was it like writing with Luther? How do you write a song with someone?

Well, every experience is different. In a lot of cases, it's me and somebody sitting like, I've written some songs that became hits by Keith Urban. And when he and I write together, we always write, you have a room somewhere with a little drum machine going and we have a couple of.

Instruments at hand. We sit.

There and we-.

What's that? Do you have a couple of candles lit, some red wine flowing?

Generally not with.

Keith, no.

So... It's like we're in there, we make up the music together, we write the lyrics together. In the case of Luther, we wrote, I think, four songs over the years that he recorded, including against my father. We were never in the same room when we wrote them. It's silly because we were great friends. We hung out together all the time. But when we wrote together, I would write the music and I would give him a recording of the music. Then a week later, he would call me up and he would sing me.

The lyrics.

To the melody that I wrote. That song, he had this idea about his dad. His dad died when Luther was 12 and he missed his dad. This is a story. It's so sweet. It's just, dance with my father again. I used to say that Luther could sing the menu to a Chinese takeout place and it would be super romantic.

You should do that. That's a good idea.

That might be good. Yeah, Mugu, Guypan is a really.

Sexy line. Will you please sing Mugu guypan?

Mugu guypan. I'm just putting my looser impressions of Mugu guypan. I don't think I've ever signed that before like that. There you go. You claim the one.

Copyright on that. I will never stop claiming that. Wait, so when you go to write a song, you don't know. You know that it's going to be about his father who passed away, but you're just not writing any words.

Well, in that case, I just gave him a piece of music and then that's what he came up with. He said, I want to write this about my dad. He pretty much wrote the lyrics. That's crazy. I wrote the music and he wrote the lyrics. But in a lot of cases, I write both. In a lot of cases, I'll write all the music and then I'll get with somebody and help them write the lyrics. I usually guide it musically, for sure. But when I'm writing with another artist, it's important to write what they want to say. When I'm writing by myself, I don't care what anybody else wants to say. It's all about me.

Right. That must be the fun thing.

Most of my hits, I think, except for maybe one, all of my hits that I had as a singer, I wrote by myself. I didn't have a cowriter, so I could write.

Whatever I wanted to say. Well, maybe God was your cowriter.

God was my cowriter.

Judging from the results.

And he takes very little publishing, which is.

Really cool. Yeah. Wait, so you must be, as an American legend, are you able to have a lavish lifestyle?

I'm a lavish. I wish I could take a picture of where I am right now. I'm renting a house. I'm up in the hills above Hollywood. It's decadent. I mean, it's pretty my view and sitting by the pool, and I'm just here for the week, but it's decadent. I mean, this is as decadent as I get. I don't have a posse. I live in Chicago. I live a very quiet life. No one ever recognizes me anytime.

That's cool. That's cool. Yeah. Do you want to hear my coffee song and tell me if you think it's a good song?

Did you start something from our airplane?

Twitter trip? No, this is a pre-existing song that's been a real hit on my podcast, and that's why I want you to do.

A version. Wait, so this is a coffee song, not a mocha song. We're going to write a.

Mocha song. Right. I want you to make a mocha song for me, says I saw your Instagram or some photo you posted of how you were having a great mocha. Okay, so here's the coffee song. Coffee, coffee, coffee, got coffee crank and through my sister. Got coffee crank and through my sister. Got coffee crank and through my sister. Got coffee crank and through my sit. Getting coffee, drink, and through my sit. Richard Marks, what do you think?

It's a little pitchy, dude. What? No, I'm kidding. I love it. It's my new favorite song you ever.

Oh, man. Well, listen, I never claimed to be a great singer. What I have is heart. You know what I mean? You do.

You know what? You may not be the perfect singer, but when you sing, you.

Mean it. That's right. Goddammit. What I need from you, you have to legend.

You have to.

Mongro you. I need you to do a mocha version. Can you riff one?

Riff one?

Yeah. Is it too hard?

I immediately feel like mocha, it makes me feel like really chill. Where is your coffee? That's good. That's a good musical instinct. It's like mocha, mocha, because it's, I mean, coffee, coffee, because it's just like caffeine. It's like in your face.

It's like- It's aggressive.

-and Mocha to me is more chill. It's aggressive. And mocha to me is more like chill. It's like mocha, mocha, mocha, mocha. I don't know, I got no lyrics.

I just feel.

Fully relaxed. That was good.

Mocha, Mocha, Mocha. No, you can still say cranking through your system, right?

Yeah, I guess so. But it's just more of like it's more.

Like a heroine thing. What if it's got Mocha gliding through my system?

That's really sexual now.

So what? Mocas are.

Yeah, mocas are pretty sexy.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'll work on something- Yeah, work on it. I'll work on something full on and recorded and it'll be yours to do with what you will. I'll make you a little recording of a.

Mocha song. I would.

Love that. -and then we'll have a thing on it together. Then that can be like any time you feel like you need either a diversion in your set or you're doing a podcast and you're like, I just want to whip out a song. It's going to totally be a cool segue here. Oh, yeah, here's a little thing I wrote for her. She's Marks. We do edit on it. It's our mocha song. Then you're just like, boom, just like you did with the coffee song, this would be a total other beer changer.

I love it. I think this is a jackpot idea.

Let's do it. I think you just have a stroke.

That's a jackpot machine and I had a stroke, so I'm talking to you out of the left side of my mouth. Thank you so much, Richard, for calling in.

Anytime, Chelsea.

I missed you. While you're in L. A, we could hang out. You are local now. We definitely could hang out. Kit. God, I hate to put someone on the spot and be like, dance monkey. I hate when people do that like, be funny, do bits, or whatever. But Richard Marks, I just wanted him to sing the entire song with his guitar. One episode, maybe I'll get him to do that. If he ever feels like doing it, I would love it so much, you guys. His voice is crazy. It's like a machine. Everything is perfect. When he's saying, My voice is pitchy, I know my voice sucks. I'm just being silly. But I don't even have any idea what pitchy really means. This guy is perfection. His voice is sweet, dulset, honey. You have got to hear him sing right here waiting for you, top to bottom, which I'm sure you have a million times because you've heard it on the radio and throughout your whole life.

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