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Hi, my name is Chelsea Peretti and I feel excited about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

I'm not buying it. I'm totally. It was the delivery. The delivery was way over.

Another take?

No, we're going to go with that one. Okay. All is here. Hear the l, back to school, ring the bell brand new shoes walk and lose climb the fence books and pens I can tell that we are going to need friends. I can tell that we are going to need friends. Hello, it's Conan O'Brien needs a friend. I'm Conan O'Brien. Usually I say welcome to, but today I just said it's Conan O'Brien needs a friend. Is that okay?

Well, it's true. It is Conan O'Brien.

Yeah. It's like saying it's dragnet or why would I use such an old reference?

We're going to get so many letters.

No, I'm going to use a new reference because that was too old. It's saved by the bell.

What?

You're getting close. Let's bring us in the late 80s. I'm trying slowly to try. What's that?

But who did that? What are you talking about? It's saved by the bell. Who said that?

No one did.

Yeah, no one's going to notice. You said something different.

Okay. Now I made a big thing of it. I said it's Conan O'Brien needs a friend. And that felt a little strange to me. And then I started commenting on it. Yeah. Want to do the thing where we take it again? And I tell you that I'm going.

To edit that first part out, but leave it in.

So you're definitely going to edit this out, right? Absolutely, boss. You know, I wouldn't lie to you? How often have you done that? Seriously? I think every time. So anytime I've stumbled or fumbled and said, you'll take it out, and you say, yeah, don't worry, boss. You leave it in.

Yeah, if it's to comedic effect, I.

Absolutely leave it in. So you lie to me? Yeah, okay. I'm okay with that, actually. Yeah. And, you know, you're going to clean.

It up, and people are going to think we're.

And it's not like I rush around listening to the podcast.

No, you don't.

So you can get away with murder.

I don't think you even know how to find it.

Right. I have tried every dial on the radio. I saw you at Amoeba Records the other day looking for the podcast in a rack. Yeah. But you know what's weird? There is now vinyl of the podcast that came out, and I realized my radio joke doesn't work either, because we're on Sirius XM 104, so all of my quips don't work full circle because we're everywhere. We're on vinyl. We're on the radio.

You know what else has happened, too, is that when you ask a parent, have you checked out the podcast? And they go, where do I watch? Know that now is true? Because the podcast is on YouTube, so most people are watching it. And now the parents are right. This is horrible.

This is great.

How are you doing over there?

I'm doing really well.

Tona left and made a very large sandwich while we were talking.

When you guys go down these kinds of avenues, I'm just like, let them just go. Let them just.

That's why I'm constantly saying to Matt, before we start, I'm going to stop for a second and think about a good thing to talk about. And you always say, just go. Just go. Just go.

This fly by the city of your goal.

This isn't good. No one's going to say, oh, man, that was a sweet treat they just served up. This is a dog's breakfast. It's a mess.

People don't want good podcasting. They want real podcasting.

Okay, is that true? I don't know. I made that. That's like saying, I'm glad you're not a car manufacturer. I'd have to recall this podcast over and over again. Exactly. This car. Hey, I just was driving the car, and the wheels fell off and it crashed, and a bunch of people in the car were killed. I feel terrible, and I'm badly injured myself. Yeah, this car was just. We improvised. We just threw it together. And that's real, man.

I would say since I've been doing podcasting since 2006, I should be trusted. But the sad truth is, I should be put out to pasture.

Right? Because you're now 2006. That makes you. You were in on the very first podcast where you talked about the moon landing and stuff, right? That's the very early podcasts, yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, President Eisenhower has died. That's the kind of podcasting you did at the beginning. That's right. Fireside chats. Incredible. Yeah.

When they were on pods.

That's right.

Ipods.

Yeah.

Which is why they're called podcasts.

I never thought about that.

Are you serious?

I didn't.

Yeah, it's a pun on broadcast, but podcast.

Yeah.

And now the ipod's been gone for what, a decade? How long has it been gone for? 15 years.

Mine was stolen.

Really?

From my car.

Yeah, that was me.

Oh, come on.

I thought it was funny. I smashed your window and I took your ipod and threw it away. That's a prank. Isn't that a prank or is it just a crime?

That's a crime.

Okay, I get confused. What? They are a lot. I pulled a prank on an old woman last night. I knocked her down and I took her purse. Yeah. Do you hear about those pranksters that robbed the bank the other day? That was me. Yeah. It was just my friend, it was just a prank.

You were wearing a nun mask.

You never go back and say it was a prank. You just keep what you steal.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

I call it a lucrative prank. That's my defense. It's a prank. You know the way people are always doing that. They're going around. They have like some YouTube channel they're trying to start, and they'll go around and prank people. And I just think, yeah, often you look at them and go, I think that's kind of a crime. It's a fine line.

There really is some of them, because they have to do whatever they can, and now some of them are like, steal.

They're getting desperate.

They're stealing stuff, but they're not pranks. I think they're just like, I can do this.

I think this started out as a prank, this podcast. Podcast. And then it grew into whatever it is now, it may still be a prank, I don't know.

The big prank is, we've told you this thing goes out and it never does.

No one's listening.

Oh, my God. We come every day.

So you hire people to drive by in cars and shout out the window, which just happened in Dublin. There was talk of mean. Sorry, that was in Dublin. I was walking along the Liffey river and people are shouting stuff out from the podcast, and I think Malgori is.

Just paying people out of my own pocket.

Yeah.

Infestation.

Really?

That's ridiculous.

What?

I don't know that people yell that in, like, foreign countries if they're like. There was talk of gerbils. Why do you make. You make people do that? And you said, do that to me.

Yeah.

First it was catechized.

God made her.

Now there was talk of gerbils. Pretty soon we should move on to a new one.

I like, there was talk of gerbils so much that I want to stay with it for a bit. And it's still. One of my favorite fan encounters is when someone came up to me and I don't know where they were, and they had an accent. I can't remember which country they were from. And they said there were rumors of hamsters. Like, they put it through Google translate. There were rumors. There were rumors. And he said it like, oh, I've got it. There's Conan. There were rumors of hamsters. And I said, dude, you are so close. I'm going to give it to you. But it's talk of gerbils. And you saw his whole face fall.

As Zeus fashioned her.

It's catechet. As corn Cobb released her Kit Kat.

Just let him have it.

I should have, but I'm a stickler. I'm a stickler. I'm like, yeah, one of those uptight deans in one of those movies. You are.

You are that guy in, like, animal House. Animal house.

Dean Wormer.

Yeah. Or old school. You're that guy.

I'm obsessed with those characters. And one of the Simpsons episodes I wrote, it was an obsession of mine that Homer has to go to college, and his only knowledge of college is from those movies. So he's convinced that he's like, we got to take the starch out of this dean's shirt. He's obsessed with that. And he shows up. And I just wanted the dean to be. The dean is the nicest. He's a young guy who's like, hey, man, I used to play bass with the pretenders, if you want to jam. He couldn't be nicer. And Homer's like, we're going to get him and get him good. That was my obsession.

That's great.

Yeah. Well, long time ago. Long, long time ago. Well, should we do it? Should we get into the old chisel, the old shizow? Hi, sir, I haven't been drinking yet. What if we're laughing now and two years from now, I'm in a catatonic state, and they're going through all of these hints with Gorely, and they're saying, you didn't know that? His cerebellum. I just wanted to hasten it. This is all going to be played back for you one day by a neurologist, and both of you are going to be in the Hague as war criminals. You could have saved him. When he said, it's time for the shizzo, you didn't know that he was bleeding into his cortex. You just laughed. And now he's dead. All right, my guest today is a hilarious comedian whose podcast called Chelsea Peretti releases new episodes every Thursday. Chelsea Peretti, welcome. I'm thrilled to have you here.

I really am actually genuinely happy to be here. I am. I swear. There's no way to sell it, but I am.

I, first of all, want to thank you for your stunning portrayal of my assistant Sona and your character as Gina Lenetti, Brooklyn nine nine, because I will say something. You play this iconic character, and it's one of your thousand accomplishments, but you play this character who is a terrible assistant. And I swear to God, I always thought, like, this character is so much like Sona, who's been my assistant forever.

Yeah, brilliant.

And then gorgeous. Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

But then there's an episode where Gina gets an assistant. So Gina doesn't do anything. And then she has an assistant who's basically just writing down her insults. And Sona got an assistant who works for me. And, by the way, is a massive fan of yours and Brooklyn nine nine.

Can he co assist and also split assist me?

Yes.

My current assistant lives in Joshua Tree, and he's building, like, a hobo camp with yurts. I'm kind of in dire need. Let's get the word out. He, like, remote assists me, and he's not good with dates and time.

That's me too. That's how I took it.

Got so bad. And the fans got to know Sona, and they got to know that our relationship. So we did a remote once where I brought in an HR rep from TBS, an actual HR rep who's a real person. And she was kind of just talking to both of us, and she said to Sona, what do you think your issue is? And she said, I have a real mental block about helping Conan. And I said, you're my fucking assistant. But I love. Because David hoppings, the guy who took over for you. And when that episode came out, David and I were talking about this because it's just hilarious that you got an assistant and you refused to help me.

It's the long, very clever.

Yeah, thank you.

Anyway, it's a very incredible portrayal of something that really happened in my life.

I love that.

Yeah. Well, goodbye. That's all we needed.

Thank you for having me.

Thank you for being here. We have a lot to talk about because I am, in addition to somewhat being in comedy, I'm also a lover of comedy. And I was looking at all the points of intersection that you've worked in in comedy. And it's crazy how many different shows you've been involved in. How many different? Like, whether it's stand up or whether you worked for a bit of a brief stint on SNL, working with people like Sarah Silverman. Like, you've kind of been everywhere and done a lot of amazing stuff, and.

Yet what happened with here, this podcast.

Is a sign that you.

Your point still stands.

The point still stands that your career is in terrible trouble.

Yeah, it's in tatters. I need this more than you know. Yeah. I love comedy. I think it's like my religion. I envy people who have a religious base in a way, although lately not as much, but anyway, comedy is everything to me.

Was it always like when you were a kid?

I think so. I mean, it kind of shifted in junior high because I was always, like, weird in elementary school.

How weird? Because usually I can beat people that say they were weird when they were a kid.

Well, I didn't self identify as weird.

Let's say that first I was listed on, like, if you went to the supermarket, if someone passes a bad check, it would just say, like, weird kid. There was a photo of me. I was identified, not self identified, identified by everyone as weird kid.

That's how I was identified by others. That way, for example, I wrote a play called Gertrude's revenge, and the subtitle was all popular, kids, beware. Never a more heartbreaking play to be written by your child in elementary school. And yet, no intervention of any kind.

Also, any child in the modern era who's named Gertrude would be justified in seeking revenge.

Why would I choose that name for my protagonist?

Enid evens the score.

Like, I chose a weird name. It was in my blood. So, yeah, I don't know. I just felt very uncomfortable in elementary school, then junior high, I flipped weird to funny. And so that was when I started to feel really funny.

What was your appearance like? How did you dress?

Horrific. Horrific ugliest I've ever been. Junior high, I had a perm, but straight bangs and braces.

How do you pull that off? Do you go to two different salons?

I did that, too.

Bangs grow fast, and I would curl them in one hard, shiny curl forward, and then my nose would be, like, protruding out. I was so skinny that I had no face to balance anything. It just looked like a piece of paper under a sheath of bang. And my knees were bigger than my legs. It was just bad. 7th grade was the all time low. 8th grade, it got a little better, but yeah.

And what are you wearing? What kind of things are you wearing?

Okay. This was the era. Know gap clothes. Big, huge plaid gap shirts, big jeans. I mean, kids at my school were wearing Oakland Raiders jackets, starter jackets. And Elise. You familiar with Elise cone?

I'm not familiar with Elise, and I say that proudly. What is Elise?

It's a shoe brand that was popular in Oakland in that era. And Nike, Cortez, I'm sure you had a pair.

Oh, sure. I'm wearing them now, but not on my feet. Don't ask any questions. What?

Where's that HR lady?

Bring her in. Hey. That's a very vague joke.

No, I just love HR people. They're fun to talk. They really are. They're a good time.

They really are fun to talk to. I love it when they come and speak to me for things.

Everyone feel at ease.

We've talked Conan. Why? Yeah. Well, I used to pretend to be the HR person.

Oh, I hated your HR person.

Because. What was it?

Because you would just do this with your hands?

You'd be like, shut up. Go have a baby. Wait a minute. I would not say that.

Oh, my God.

No. I would put fake. She would say, why is there no HR here? And I'll say, I'll go get him. And I would leave and I would come back and I'd be like, what's going on? Just suck it up. Just suck it up. And she'd be like, that's you making glasses with your fingers. That is not HR sucks. Admit that your crimes were greater than mine.

No.

All right, you're fired. Okay, so you were very interested in comedy, but when I was a youngster, I never thought, there's no way this can be a living. I didn't think it was a way. Is that something you thought?

I mean, unfortunately, I wanted to be rich and famous when I was young, so I think I did have. I thought it would be easier. But I don't know. I guess it is weird to want that and then achieve that. That's Pretty weird. Ods. The best part about being famous is.

People at the checkout line stopping you and saying to someone else at the checkout line who's working another register, hey, you know this guy? That second, you know who it is? And the other guy is like, no, come on, think your brain. Remember, it's the weird kid from the bulletin board. Exactly. But they would. I've had that. That's my least favorite thing would be someone going, hey, you know this guy?

You don't think it's worse when they go up to you and go, what are you? You're from something. You probably don't experience that.

I don't experience it as much because no one else looks like me. I don't know. People have either.

I'm racking my brain to think of someone who looks like you so I can say it.

I've said this before, but it is like if big bird from Sesame street was walking through a supermarket and someone said, I know you from somewhere. You either know big bird or you don't.

Right? Yeah. I hate the charade of having to supply your resume. Yes, that's stressful. But what I love is going to restaurants and having an easy time going to restaurants. Okay.

I have a friend who is enraged that she won't be able to get into a restaurant. So she'll call me and I'll say, well, I'll go with you. And I go with her. And we get in and she's sitting there enjoying this really nice meal, being like, this is not right. This isn't fair. And I'm like, hey, Amy, we won't say her last. Yeah, she'll go to the trouble of making me take her, but then be enraged. This is wrong. I have more sauce, please. Thank you.

Not wrong enough. I thought you were going to say that. Once you walk her in, you leave and then she eats alone.

I wonder if that move works.

You could start a side business.

That would be a great business.

The restaurant is like, we're going to have to take that table back.

Do you think that would work?

No.

You walk in and you sit with them for a second, and then you say, I have to go. I have diarrhea.

Yeah, exactly.

No one ever questions diarrhea because no one wants to get into it.

Yeah.

And then they can't take that table back. And then they find out that I've been doing that at restaurants all over town. And also, I like the idea that I'm not like Leonardo Dicaprio. So there'd be plenty of restaurants where I wouldn't get in hold for laugh. But anyway, sorry, gotta go. Let me guess, diarrhea. That's right. Yeah.

That would wear out fast.

The words all over town, diarrhea.

Brian.

That's me. So would you say, because I know that you stand up. You did stand up for years. Who was your influence? Who was the person that we were watching when you were young that made you. That's who I want to be.

I mean, honestly, it wasn't so much standups. Like, I loved Gilda Radner and Eddie Murphy. Like, I would watch his vhs, know best of Night Live and Steve Martin. And I do remember watching Eddie Murphy raw with my grandmother for some reason.

But it was at her insistence. Yeah.

I'm like, no, yeah, she influenced me. I remember Adele Givens on Def comedy jam. Def comedy jam. I used to watch a lot of, but, yeah, I wasn't like a crazed stand up fan, like a lot of stand ups.

You and I were at a social function, and there were a lot of stand ups there, and everyone was going on listening to stand ups that influenced them. And I remembered, I can't remember what you said, but we were going around the room, and I was thinking, for me neither. It wasn't stand ups that excited me the most. It was sketch players and comedic actors that made me really excited about comedy.

Yeah. I mean, listen, lately, I don't do stand up as much, and what I really think about it is there's almost no one I want to hear talk for an hour straight. You know what I mean? I think it's a flawed art form.

Okay, this podcast is. We're canceled 55 minutes. So we just get you in under the wire.

Both talking. There's an interplay. It's like someone's standing on stage and talking.

I always want there to be another reality to come in. So I was so happy doing late night because I could be talking, and a man could interrupt me from the audience who's dressed in a beekeeper's outfit, and a whole other reality could come out. That's the world I always wanted to live in. I wanted to start doing something or talking as a normal person, but then I wanted to be stopped by either a bear wearing a diaper or a guy pretending to be a gold miner. And then I wanted maybe some tape to be involved that took us to a different reality. That was the world that I was always happy with.

Yeah, I like that interplay and the whole comedy game and the playfulness of those kinds of moments. And so I think for me, stand up, it was one of these things where I kind of love hated it and I kind of just kept doing it and I was kind of good at it. But I never like what I realized. I would get off stage and I don't feel good. But most comedians I know get off stage and feel incredible about themselves. They're like on a high. Whereas I'm like the one person who didn't laugh the joke. I forgot. Whatever it is, I feel like I'm fixating on what didn't happen. Yeah. Or comparing it to my best show I've ever had and it doesn't live up. Yeah.

I have found at times when there were times when it wasn't clicking and I would almost, in a masochistic way, the way you pick at a scab or a wound, I would be like, oh man, they're not with me. I'm going to enjoy this. We could enjoy this silence right now. I found it usually wasn't the way to go, but there were times when it felt like it saved my sanity anyway.

Yeah. I think that that's what people loved about you because I feel like then it feels like we're on your team, we're relating to like, yeah. In acting, comedy acting, I like to be the person that's like, this is great, you're all crazy. And I feel like you are doing that a lot as well. Like surrounding yourself by insanity that you clearly approved.

I was there at rehearsal, my favorite thing that was to act like what is happening? Like balking at it. Yeah, no, this is wrong. And it's like, no, I was at rehearsal. I was there the night before. I'm part of all of this but I love pretending. Whereas actually a lot of the madness here, there is no script with this, but there are many times where I'm quite upset with both of many.

Yeah, most of the time.

Yeah. That seems to be the secret formula. It's just raging fuel.

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I was curious because you and I have a similar experience, which is you. Did you tempt for a while?

I did.

I tempt. Also, in the leaner times of my career, I was a temp.

Yeah.

When I was either a student or when I was working a serious job, I wasn't at all funny. I just did what people needed me to do and kept my mouth shut to the point where later on, when teachers found out that I was having success in comedy, they were stunned. And I remember it as a temp, just doing the work. And then I was in between writing jobs with my partner, Greg Daniels, who, you know, let's just say you know him.

I love the guy.

You know why?

Lemon cakes alone. Lemon cakes, Christmas, lemon cakes. I did get those for a span of years.

I've never gotten one from Greg.

Really? No, I don't think he sends them anymore, or I'm not on the list anymore, but they're delicious.

Greg, he did one of the funniest things, which is that he showed up at one of my Christmas parties about seven years ago with this giant tower wrapped in plastic of, like, fruit and nuts. And it's all very exotic. And I look at it, and it says to Greg from the sound editing team at H and B, and Greg had crudely crossed it out and wrote, love, greg, making no attempt to hide the regift. And I loved that more than any real gift. It was so funny that he could have gotten me.

Yeah, that's pretty good. One time I was at Aspin Comedy Festival, and I received a large fruit basket. And I was like, oh, my God. The festival sent me this fruit basket. And all my friends were like, what? We didn't get one. And everyone's like, jealous and upset. And then my mom was like, did you get the fruit basket? And I realized it was from my mom, and it was another crushing blow in a series of, shouldn't it have.

Been nicer that it was from your mom?

No, I thought it was like, hey, best of the fist. Here you go, pineapple.

There's a phone call here of someone saying they love you very much. Is it the industry? No, it's your mother. Then fuck it.

Send it to a voicemail.

I love you, and I'll always cherish you. Is it Warner Brothers? No, it's your mother and father. Fuck. What's wrong with us? That's terrible.

I know. It's really broken.

In the heyday of the Aspen Comedy festival, I don't know who was running this thing, but they just threw money at.

Yeah.

And I'd be in New York and they'd say, hey, Conan, do you want to come out and interview Steve Martin and all of your comedy heroes? And I'd be like, yeah. And they'd say, great. And then they'd fly me out there and they'd know, here's a parka that says, aspen Comedy festival.

Diamond encrusted.

Diamond encrusted skis. And I'd say, are these blood diamonds? And they'd go, like, maybe. No, you just were like, who's paying for all this? And then I guess someone took over the festival and looked at the books and said, this is insane.

The books were cooked.

The Books were. I don't know what was happening there. This is actual cocaine on these mountains. Yeah, exactly. It's actual cocaine on the mountain. And there was a whole slope where you could just ski on rolexes. And I was like, this just feels wrong, but okay, I guess I'll go, yeah.

All the affluence of yesteryear, like, every writer's room I was in, they're like, we used to eat steaks every day. And then it would be like, even at Brooklyn, they would cross out a certain dollar amount entree. Like, you could only order.

No, it's funny. I come to NBC in 1993 to do the late night show, and my introduction is to go to an upfront, which is where all the advertisers get together.

Love up fronts.

Oh, my God.

So chill.

Love up front. No, but I go to an upfront because they say, oh, is this new kid gun LeBron? You'll see it's going to be something. You'll see. Which was a terrible slogan, by the way. You'll see he'll be something, I suppose. I don't know why Norm Macdonald is saying it, but I show up and huge ice sculptures of peacocks, and then you got to think about was friends. It was cheers. And so giant fountains that I'd heard of, liquid chocolate fountains, but just craziness. It was madness. And then, I'll never forget one of the last upfronts I went to. It was a tent that was leaking because it was raining, and it was a cash bar, and that was over. I want to say that was like a 15 year period but that was just how things changed. And now it would be like an individual camping tent, and everyone gets to go inside. I don't know. There was a crazy time there where there were three or four networks, and they would do things like, I missed this phase, but they would tell me, oh, two years ago, it was a cruise, and all the advertisers were taken on a cruise, and massive stars mingled with them, and everybody was know squab.

I don't even know what squab is.

Delicious.

Yeah. But it sounded like madness, and it is very different times.

Yeah. It's like Robin Leach set up a promise in my youth. Remember? Run away with the rich. And. And, like, I watched. I'm like, wow. Like, this is going to be me someday. And then now it's like, eat the. I'm like, wrong timeline.

Where is Robin Leach? I'm sure he's passed on to his reward. He's in the best place in heaven.

A golden casket.

I don't know where he is.

He's definitely.

He died 2004, 2018. Longer than I thought recently. Wow. Well, anyway, I had the same thing where there's. Yeah, there was.

I thought, dog the bounty hunter died, and I used to do a joke about it where I go, dog the bounty hunter died. Yeah, I know that one hurts or this one hurts or something. And then someone just told me, he's alive, and that was fake.

It was him at a show. He stood up. Excuse me. It was fake.

Can you look up another death? Is this your death research?

Yeah. Eduardo. Hey, Eduardo. Am I still alive? This is death styles of the rich and famous.

Let's just spend the remainder of our time looking up celebrity.

Death.

Dog is with two g's.

No, he's still alive.

Yeah, he's still alive.

Like the hog Dague.

You know what we should do? We should turn this whole podcast into who's alive.

His wife died.

Maybe that's what it was.

Yeah.

Try not to be all smiley when you say that. Eduardo just said that with the biggest smile. That's a terrible, tragic loss. His wife. I was just glad I found the right information. Think about what you're saying.

What a win for you.

That's why they won't let you work at the hospital anymore. Eduardo. Your grandpa's dead, Eduardo. I was just happy that I had the right information. I was excited that I was right. He is dead. You've done something that absolutely terrifies movies. You direct it.

Yeah.

I'm terrified of the idea of directing. Yeah, I feel like I'm a boss I like to direct small things, but if I was the formal director of a movie, I would be very frightened.

Yeah, well, it's weird, because I think I am sort of an anxious person. I was thinking about trying beta blockers. You ever done that?

Sure.

Really?

Wow.

You went dark.

No, wait. Let's define our terms, because I want to make sure we're defining our terms. Beta blockers are, for example.

I don't know.

You're looking at me.

Yeah.

Eduardo, right?

What's that?

Has anyone ever died from.

Wait, what's that? I just trying to define our terms.

Because medicines that lower blood pressures is.

What it's defined by.

The Mayo clinic.

I thought of Xenax. Oh, no, I've not done that. I'll be clear.

No, I don't think it was a blood pressure medicine. I thought it was for an anxiety thing. Years ago, my dad told me to take it for stand up.

It says that beta blockers cause the heart to beat a little more slowly.

Wow. I got to try it.

It also says dog the bounty hunter has just passed. Oh, wait, no, he's back. He's back. This is a site that monitors his heart beats, and it's very slow.

According to blaze research. Also, a person may develop depression when taking beta blockers.

Really? That's a confusing mix.

Can I just say this? You brought up beta blockers?

Yeah, sorry.

It completely threw everyone off.

Yeah.

So have I taken medication for anxiety and maybe a bit of depression? Yes, I have.

Well, I wouldn't have presumed to ask you that. I thought that beta blockers was more like, hey, I have a show. I'm nervous. I'll take this. And it helps you be calm. I wouldn't be like, are you on antianxiety meds?

I'm okay with telling people that because I'm a believer in people getting help, but no, I'm not. The thing I do to help my help me before I have to go out in front of people is prepare. I think that is the best medication. Prepare. And whenever I feel that's the thing that calms me down, is if I feel like I put some thought into it and was prepared before I went up there. Oh, everyone's scrambling around in the background.

The beta blocker. They're like beta blockers. Beta blockers.

Okay. Difference is, beta blockers are typically prescribed to treat high blood pressure and heart problems, and they are prescribed off label for anxiety. Xanax is a different kind of drug. Benzodiazepine. That is a type of tranquilizer widely prescribed for anxiety.

Yeah. Developed by the Nazis.

Oh. It always goes back to them.

Sorry.

Is it really?

Well, there's a whole book about the Third Reich and how the Germans developed the Benzo drug.

It's a handwritten book by a crazy person who lives in Vermont.

It's a book I found on a park bench after I wrote it. It's actually a very good, and, I think, quite popular book that you could look up, Eduardo, so we could tell people about it.

So there's a nazi drug.

It was off the rails. I apologize.

No, you should. These are my favorite ones. My favorite ones are like this where we bounce around. I talk about Nazis, yell at each other. The Nazis have to make one appearance always. What's it called?

Blitz drugs in the Third Reich.

Yes, Blitz in the Third Reich. It's all about how the benzo class of drugs. Why did I read it?

That's exactly what I was.

You're in a bookstore and you're like.

Wait, nazi drug makers? Because it was all about how they were all fucked up out of their minds. Yes, on various. And the furor was taking a million different things. And so, anyway, I'm going to get this thing back on the rails.

Do you have, like, one of those ss jackets in your closet?

Not in my closet. I wear. It's a jacket I regularly wear when I'm driving my vintage motorcycle with sidecar. What's everyone so mad about? It's beautiful leather sona. You've ridden this? Me many times. And said, cool, long jacket, but not knowing what it meant. Oh, man.

Ss is know. Little lightning bolts. I was like, oh, he likes thunderstorms.

He works with the electrical, right? Right.

No, I did not. Okay, so you see what our podcast is like. I love it, and it's a train wreck, but we like that part of it. Tell us about yours. Call Chelsea Peretti. I want to talk about this because you're a delightful person. I would listen to you for hours and hours and hours. I really would. So I want to hear about the podcast.

Great news. I've recorded many episodes. It is a reboot of a podcast that I started. I forget when, but a long time ago, like 2014.

Before there were podcasts?

Yeah, basically, kind of. It was like the time where podcasts felt like zines and not that many people had them. Now it's like everyone's a brand and yada yada. But I take phone calls from random people. I just post the number, and people call, and it puts me into my fight or flight mode, which I think is a funny place to be for me.

Great place to be.

Yeah.

So I just take calls and then I have sound effects that I play and I have topics. I have an obsession with bear attack survivors.

Let's talk about. I have. Just so you think that I read widely and books. I have read many books about bear attacks.

Persona lives in bear country, right?

I do.

There's so many bears in Alcibina.

He wrote the book called the Third Reich Bear training regiment. All your books.

Somehow one of their early, when they invaded Poland, it was mostly bears that went in and they were all hyped up on benzos and they were wearing long leather coats.

Elizabeth Banks's movie is loosely based on.

Loosely based on the invasion of Poland. But anyway, so what have you learned about bear types? Because this fascinates me.

Well, they can run around 40 miles an hour. Yeah.

You can't outrun. Don't out try to outrun a bear.

Yeah. Okay. I've learned that groups of three are statistically much less likely to be attacked than one or two people. So if you're ever walking around in bear country, bring two friends. But, yeah, the whole time I had my first run, I was like, bear attack survivors call in. Not a smart strategy to get a bear attack survivor because it's just statistically unlikely. You're a statistics guy.

I love it. Because I come from improv. Yes, I am.

I know my stats, so you get that. So anyway, this time I trolled around online and I found bear attacks. And I had my producer reach out to those survivors and see if they would come. So I've gotten two so far.

And so they were attacked and they survived.

Yeah.

Okay. But what I'm saying is, are these chilling stories.

Well, that's the thing that I'm always trying to calibrate. Like, what's the perfect level of bear attack for it to still be funny and register comedic?

Wow. Very light attack. If it's still going to be funny.

Yeah. Because there was a guy that had a light.

That's a cuddle.

You know what? Swat. But, like, the guy I just had, he was 17, and a grizzly bear attacked him. He was alone on a mountaintop and sees a grizzly bear barreling toward him. Can you imagine?

No, this is good.

The bear lunged at him to kind of see if he would flinch. And then it slapped him. That was what I thought was comedic. It actually slapped him.

But keep in mind, a swat, a slap from a grizzly bear can take your head off.

Yeah. I hate to say it. It really did sound cartoonish. And I'm really into sequences of actions as well as sounds. He said the bear said, chomp or clack his teeth right by his head and then slapped him. So clack, slap. Then his body flew up horizontally, and the bear, before he hit the ground, bites his thigh.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Now, did he lose any limb?

No, but he lives with constant pain.

He kind of lightly go, why did.

The bear let the guy go?

They do sometimes.

He passed out.

Yeah.

So you know a little bit about this?

No. I've read a bunch of books about bear attacks.

You really have?

I have.

What are you supposed to do, curl up?

Well, it depends. There's black bears, there's brown bears. You're better off in general, encountering a black bear. Grizzlies are scary. They're usually not a problem. They're just as afraid of us as we are of them.

Would you come on my podcast?

Yes, I would. You know what I want to do? I want to come on as a bear. We're talking to a grizzly here.

I did have to ask the guy, like, would it be triggering to you if I played a bear growl sound effect?

That's terrible. This man was almost lost his life to a bear. And you said lives in constant pain, and you can't get that out without laughing.

I feel better now.

You feel better, Eduardo? Turns out you're not the sociopath on the road.

We are. He. Listen, he came on a comedy podcast.

Yeah.

I figured he would be all right with it, but he was, like, the most kind, sweet guy. Couldn't have happened to a better person. But the truth is, there's really nothing you can do is really what it comes down to. Unless you're holding bear spray for the entire hike. But he was on a 40 day camping trip.

Oh, that's on him then.

And it was on day 29.

Yeah, that's why I only stay in hotels. Nice hotels. And still I'd been attacked several times offline.

I'd love to know what your favorite.

On the elevator. No, that's the other thing, too, is the more you read about Veritex, the more there is no certain rule. There just isn't. Mostly it's don't surprise them. You always hear that wear brown or.

A black one, you're supposed to play.

Dead one, you're supposed to get big.

And make a lot of noise.

Is that drown, lay down. That's what it is. I'm literally confusing.

If it's yellow, let it. You're totally mixing these things up. Black.

Let it stack metaphor or something.

Yeah. If the bear slaps, wear a cap. That's why there isn't one thing you're supposed to. I mean, it varies so much, but I think the big things are make noise as you walk, which is why when you're in bear country, you're supposed to wear, like, a bell so that you don't surprise bears. And the other thing is, for all.

Types of bears, this holds true. It just feels like we should get this right.

You're supposed to hit a cowbell. How annoying would that get?

Then the bears attack because they really hate.

They're annoying.

The sound.

They're like, I was trying to hibernate. And you're just.

Also, you're not supposed to be rhythmically bopping from side to.

Side to enjoy it. Otherwise, what's the point?

Jennifer samples, who is a producer for team cocoa and a huge outdoor person, just texted me saying, black attack brown. Lay down. Nice. Wait a minute. You're supposed to attack a black? Yeah, that's what she said. And then she put a nerd emoji. Can I just say something? I want to legally distance myself. Hey, if you see a black bear and it's hundreds of yards away from you, attack it. She's listening and texting me. Offensive. Now let's go get all the black bears. She said, because she's listening to us right now. She says, yeah, get big for the black bear. Okay. No, but what I'm saying is this whole thing of you attack, it sounds crazy to me. I thought it was black.

Fight back.

Well, fight back. Fight back. Fight back is different than black because, again, I just don't want people listening to this. And they're at the zoo, and they see a black bear behind bars, and they squeeze in there and start wailing on it. I see. You remember when it's black, you must attack. No, it's sedated and it's behind bars.

Are these official limericks from the parks and recreation department? Like, who comes up with these?

Yeah. Did they find the rhyme first? And they're like, 50 50. But it's good. Sometimes they have really good advice, but it doesn't rhyme, so they don't tell it to you.

Right.

Like, nothing rhymes with pigeon. So we won't tell people about the killer pigeon. Right.

We actually play this game with my son. We go, well, when he was little, we go, like, nothing rhymes with Smidgen. And then. And one was, nothing rhymes with pony. And I swear, he was, like, three years old, and he said, nina Simone.

Prodigy, and I was like, holy shit, this kid.

But don't want him in the biz. He's really into it now. No, six years old. I'm like, don't do it. I really want him to be a marine biologist.

That's what we all want for our.

Yeah.

Yeah. I can't believe our producer, Jeff Ross admitted to me. Know, for years, I've been doing a Jeff impression, which is basically Jackie Mason going like, let's get some. And then, you know, he's all about the business, and he's all about. He's reading the trades, and let's go. Let's get out here. Let's go to a good restaurant. And then he told us once, yeah, I want to be a marine biologist. And I said, and then I just pictured Jeff at the bottom of the sea, like, texting different. And when the bubbles hit the surface, it's like, let's get some soup. But the most exotic rare fish in the world will go by. But Jeff is busy texting. Can they get me into craigs?

Craigs is not even that good.

Don't say that. You know what? Truffle chicken.

That's good.

I've been to Craig's, like, twice. But one of the funny things is I once went, and I didn't know this, but there's the paparazzi hangout outside, and it was hilarious because I had just come from a Robert Carroll event where I was reading. He was talking about his works, famous biographer of Lyndon Johnson. That's what I'm doing in my spare time, and I walk from that event with the book that he signed for me, and I step out, and all the paparazzi put up their cameras to, you know, it's Conan. Let's just get this in case he dies tomorrow. We got one. And I just hold up the book because they're clicking away, and because I'm holding up a biography of Lyndon Johnson, all the cameras go down, and it was like putting up a cross in front of them. I tried to turn my moment with the Bob Rossi into a teachable history moment.

Did you ever look for it?

Oh, if someone can find me holding a Robert Carroll book online, walking into a restaurant.

Search Conan Craigs Getty Images. I think I'm very good at Google searching. I'm trying to come for your job.

My guess is it doesn't exist, because I think at that point, they all smashed their cameras.

Yeah, they don't post the reject. All those guys quit the biz.

They all became missionaries after that day, but they're all doing the Lord's work in various. Look, Eduardo can't find it. Of course you can't find it. Wait, look up LBJ going to Craig's. Maybe that'll work. Yeah, they'll see Lyndon Johnson there.

I see why you keep this guy.

Know, it's funny because in some interview, you were talking about how you were pretty sure that when get out was released, you were like, you thought that? Or maybe it was just a joke. I'm pretty sure it's a joke, but it's a joke. But that Jordan was writing about your family. Yeah.

Well, the funny thing is everyone was like, oh, is this about her? And I was like, yeah, it's a documentary.

That was a joke.

But now, years later, I'm like, maybe it was. I would be too self confident that I'm not a monster to go. No, it actually is about me. It's the perfect cover, assuming that my husband loves me.

It is funny how the initial reaction of most people who are in the business is they want their kids to have nothing to do with it, isn't it?

Because it's awful. I mean, when I first started stand up and I don't know who they is, but if there was a YouTube clip online, the comments, when I first experienced what that was like, I cried for like 2 hours. And then you get a little better at it. It just makes you like, oh, I remember I did your show and your social media team posted a photo and I was all gussied up, you know, this is going to end badly. I was in like a sparkly dress and a makeup artist took like a big swing and did what I would call a bold eye. And one of the comments was, what is that? And I was like, there's really nothing that cuts to the quick faster than what is that? It's like three words. And you decimated me. Why would I ever want my child to experience that? That's why I don't post his photo. I mean, I've posted photos of myself as a kid and people are like, you look like a boy. And I'm like, you're attacking a child. So why would I ever want to subject my own child to it?

Yeah. First of all, I came to the conclusion a long time ago. I've had guests on my show over the years talk to me about, oh, the previous time I was on, I got some negative comments and they will quote it for you.

It's actually, you're trolling all your guests.

Because I want them to learn if they're annoying. I thought Helen Mirren could get better, and that's why I did it and make better choices. No, my reaction was always, why are you looking at that? I know, but because the last thing in the world I would ever choose to do, I got plenty of mean things said about me back in the old days, pre Internet, when it was critics saying, and more than happy to bring up my physical flaws and all kinds of stuff. But you're perfect. Thank you. So I remembered that at the time and thinking, oh, this is terrible. So the idea now that, and that was just when there were just a couple of hundred critics in America who were all saying terrible things, but now there's millions of people I would not choose to go looking for.

Don't really like, I do limit know. I've started playing blocku doku, which I'm replacing a lot of my instagram time on and stuff. And I don't read all of it, but I definitely read some of it. I just don't have the personality where I can't read stuff like my movie. Like, some people wrote bad reviews. I'm like, okay, I'm going to read it. I can't not read it. I guess part of me does feel like I'm going to learn something from.

It that's good if you can do it. If I think there's something that I can learn, then, yes, I do want feedback, but I kind of want it to be constructive feedback, not, what is that? I hope you die feedback, because I can't do anything with, hey, Conan, I hope. Why are you still alive? That doesn't help me in my work.

Right. It helps you in your mirror work where you're just like, why are you still alive?

Yes, why am I?

Things cut deep, sometimes it sticks with you. Yeah. But, yeah, I don't know. I just don't have the personality of being that evolved.

I don't know that it's evolved. I might just be afraid to look. Yeah. I'm not saying what I'm doing is evolved. I'm just saying that's a choice I made a while ago to just.

It seems like, you know what? I don't have willpower. In a lot of ways, it seems like very puritanical that you can do that.

I'm wearing iron underwear right now. I'm very puritanical. And every time I disappoint myself, I turn these two screws on either side, which also is a little erotic. All right, let me make sure we get the word out. Call Chelsea Peretti. Yes, podcast. And I'm going to come on as a bear expert, which is a. All I know is if you see a black bear thousands of yards away from you and it's walking away with its Baby, don't jump on your bike and grab a scythe and go after it. I'm coming for you, Bear. That just seems cruel. But I adore you. I'm so happy that you came by and you're always so nice. You came on my show, you're always hilarious and you've had spectacular.

I'm glad you exist in the world.

That's very nice. Let's get that online. That balances out, really.

One of my biggest regrets was Joan Rivers used to do that show, like in bed with Joan Rivers, and they asked me to do it and scheduling didn't work out and then she died. And so now I'm like, you really do have to tell people.

So you're here because you thought I could go at any minute. Thank you. You know what? Guess what? This is a great booking tool. We should start just putting out there. Conan, we're a little worried about him under the weather. Anthony Hopkins is here to talk at length about whatever I want to talk about because he's worried you're going to go. He's worried I'm going to go. Please come back. Please come back because I love talking to you. And go in peace.

We both want each other to.

Yeah. What's going on? No, go in peace. It's how they used to end mass when I was a kid. Go in peace to love and serve the Lord. Except our priest would always have. He'd go, he just wasn't. Just say, go in peace to love and serve the Lord. And our priest was a real like, he acted like Jimmy Caggney and he jingled change in his pocket and he'd go, go in peace to love and serve the Lord. Have a nice day. Have a nice week. See you around. Wow. That's the New New Testament.

Do you think he was on the spectrum?

I think he was on nazi benzos. Sorry. Nazi priests are the best kind of priests. All right, bye.

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Okay, this segment is airing after our conversation with none other than Chelsea Peretti. And in that segment, we found ourselves talking about bear attacks quite irresponsibly. Very irresponsibly. Yeah, that was not a good. We're here to clear the air, which is that no one in this studio, especially Chelsea Peretti, but including myself, is an expert on what to do in a bear attack. We started saying some shit, but anybody who's tuning into Conan O'Brien needs a friend to know how to survive in the woods is a fool, in my opinion. And no one should be listening to us.

And keep in mind, no lawyers contacted us. We, even ourselves were like, this is ridiculous. We're going to get someone killed.

Yeah. We are doing this because of our conscience. We just want to make sure that, well, collective, the three of us together have one conscience.

Okay?

Yeah.

Did you really read all those books on bear attacks?

I have read a lot on bear attacks, but do I remember with great authority what to do and what not to do? No, I don't.

Do you think anybody knows?

Now, see, but that's just what the.

Bears want you to think.

You know what I mean? I think the bears are also online putting out a lot of misinformation. Exactly.

They've got a russian server farm working for them.

They're typing on a computer.

Grizzly bears love that whole thing of just lie down in front of the grizzly and we won't bother you. That's grizzlies sitting at computers, putting that out there. The best way to avoid a bear.

Attack is to lather yourself in gravy and lie down in front of a base.

Bring a gravy boat, pour the gravy on you. Lay down on a large platter with an onion in your mouth and lay still for the bear. Signed, I am not a bear. So I don't know what to do in a bear attack. And we have a producer on the show, she's a researcher. Jen samples does an amazing job. And she claims to know, but she said she texted him while we were talking to Chelsea Peretti. And she said, if you see a black bear attack, which sounded crazy to me because it sounded like the black bear could be 6 miles away on a far ridge smelling a dandelion. And your job is to race over there and start punching it. Jen samples does. She goes hiking and every weekend she's always doing outdoor stuff, always camping. And she texted me during the Chelsea pareti thing saying, if you see a black bear attack, we can get her on the phone. Should we get on the phone? Yeah, get her on the phone. All right. Yeah, let's call her up. So my question is, what if it's a bear on the other. No, no. He's saying, like, jen's not here, right?

We. All right, we got her on the phone here. You want to take the phone and you can hold it? Okay, why don't you hold it? I'm holding it. Yeah. Jen, can you hear us?

Yeah.

Okay, Jen, you're not being patched through in any kind of sophisticated way that I would expect from Eduardo, who is a mastermind. Instead, Blay just is calling you on a cell phone and Sona's holding it. This is holding it. I just said Sona's holding.

Saying, of all people in here, I'm the one who's holding it, which is a really bad idea.

Yeah, because you dropped stuff.

Okay.

You've dropped your twins many times. Anyway, so, Jen, we want to clear the air because Chelsea Peretti was talking about what to do during a bear attack. We got the sense that she didn't know what she was talking about. She induced me to talk about it. I started saying shit, but I'm not sure I'm right. And then you text in and say, when you see a black bear attack, which sounds crazy to me, you don't attack a bear. That's minding its own business.

Okay, I'm not saying, like, go after a bear.

Well, that's what it sounded like.

Yes, but you want to make yourself big and bang pots and pans and kind of just make yourself taller than the bear.

That's what my wife did when I met her. When I met my wife and tried to talk to her in a bar, she started hitting pots and going, la la. I had to re approach many times over the years to get her. Anyway, so you're saying a black bear, now a grizzly, what do you do?

Well, okay, so here's the rhyme. Because we haven't even gotten into polar bears, and that's a whole other bear.

Oh, my God. What about koala bears?

Well, yeah, I don't know those ones but okay, so the rhyme is as follows. It goes black attack. I stand by that brown lay down. So like, play dead, because if you fight back, a grizzly brown bear is going to just kill you and it's horrific. And then white. Good night. So you're just screwed. If you run into a polar bear, you're dead.

I've always heard if it's polar, go solar, meaning no, try and just get. Because it's a responsible. They are bears that respect going green and being more responsible in your use of electricity. Bring up a kind of interesting point, Jen.

How much of this is contingent upon this rhyme? Did they reverse engineer this? Is there science to this? Where are you getting your facts?

No, I'm telling you because, okay, I listen to a lot of podcasts about bear attacks. Also, I am fascinated by bear attacks. And I've spent a lot of time like camping up in grizzly bear country up in Montana. So I do a lot of research and I like to be prepared when I go out there. Obviously, having bear spray is key up there too. But yeah, it's proven fact. I think. I think that's like the go to run that the National Park Service and everything goes by.

So a bear spray is good. And also wearing the cologne jupe, they're just bottles, the same formula. Tracy Morgan brought me a bottle of jupe. And, man, I think that would work on a bear, too. Eduardo, you have some confirmation here?

Yes, I can kind of confirm what Jen's saying. I went to NPS. Gov, which is national park service, and they say if a black bear charges and attacks you fight back with everything you have. Do not play dead.

There you go.

Furthermore, it says direct punches and kicks at the bear's face and use any weapons like rocks, branches or bear spray to defend yourself. So that's for black bears.

Okay.

If a grizzly brown bear charges and attacks you, play dead. Do not fight back. Cover your head and neck with your hands and arms. Lay flat on your stomach and spread your legs apart. Keep your pack on. It will help you, help protect you during an attack. Stay still and don't make any noise. You're trying to convince the bear that you aren't a threat to it or its cubs. Do not get up right away because the bear may still be in the area. Wait several minutes until you are sure.

You know what I did? I did some of this research and I went camping not long ago and I brought a casket with me and a suit. And when I saw a brown bear in the area, I put on the suit and got in the open casket. And you hired a bunch of people to come to your funeral. I hired nine people to just look sad and be around me, and they were all killed and pick it. They were killed because I also brought food for them to eat because that's what would happen at awake. So they were all picking at chicken salad. The bear attacked and killed them, but I was safe. And then the bear actually stopped and crossed himself. And then didn't he give a little speech? He gave a short speech, which is like, this was a life well lived, and I think they did a good job on him. He looks pretty lifelike. And he did remark that I looked paler than most dead people he'd seen. And that was a bear. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, wow. Okay, this is good. We just wanted to make sure, Jen, that we got some real information out.

But I do want to underline that when Jen said, if you see a black bear attack, what she meant is, if the black bear has attacked you, do not start searching for black bears and then randomly just punching them with your fists. That's, I think, a terrible thing to.

Yeah, yeah, let's make that clear. That is not what I'm saying.

Well, it's what it sounded like. It sounded like, if you can find a black bear, punch him in the back of the head. Go find him.

Thank you, Jen, so much.

Of course.

Don't koala bears have. Yeah. So what's the rhyme for that? Well, definitely don't lay down and spread your legs. Okay, well, I'm sorry, I'm just picking up the other advice. Spread your legs. That's what you said about the brown bear. Spread your legs. That's just what the bear wants. That bear's done any time in prison. Why did. Anyway, okay, well, thank you very much, Jen, and I'm glad that we were, you know what? I think we were responsible here.

I agree.

Because sometimes people get confused. They're listening to a couple of comedic fools talking, and they might misremember later on.

I think the lesson here is listeners should come here for their nature facts from here on out.

Yes.

If it's polar, go solar. I apologize again for this podcast, and it should be stopped, and we will stop it eventually. Take care. God bless.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien, sonum of session, and Matt Gorely, produced by me, Matt Gorely, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer samples. Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on. A future episode got a question for Conan? Call the team Cocoa hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It too could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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