Hi, my name is David Spade, and I feel sort of excited about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
Brand new shoes walking loose on the first. We are going to be friends, Shakuntala, go. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend. I believe we're gonna have a very good show today. I'm in a good mood. I'm feeling good about things. So you say sometimes when I'm in a bad mood, if I come into the office, you said you came in hot. Yeah, I'm joking around with sort of a rough marriage today.
I think I'm in a pretty good mood. Yeah. When you're in a good mood, I've noticed you kick people a lot, like when Matt O'Brien, your head writer, comes in and you're in a good mood.
You try to kick him through his driver's side window, OK, which is so screwed up. It's so screwed up. So I'll tell you, this is you know, these are covid times and we have to be careful. And so we are shooting our show over at Largo Theater on La Cienega. And Matt, who is like a younger brother to me and I just want to make. Yes, coincidence. He has the same last name, but we are not related.
Very talented head writer, very talented guy. And I've known him for years and we work closely together. And I swear to God, as you know, Matt and I wrestle sometimes and it gets a little we we throw stuff at each other. It can get a little it a little rough and tumble, wouldn't you say, Sonna? I would say it's very unprofessional, too. Yes. Yes. I guess that's another way to look at it.
Unprofessional. So the other day Matt pulls up in his car and he had sort of he's wearing his mask. And he had lectured me about how we have to be on our best behavior because, you know, of covid. And he always likes to lecture me about that. And for some reason, he put his window down to talk to me. And so I'm standing there in the parking lot outside the Largo Theater. And I started I have very long legs.
I started trying to kick him. So I went and he was like saying, ServiceMaster, now here's what's crazy. I'm wearing a mask. He's wearing a mask. I am six feet away because I've got really long legs and I'm trying to karate kick him through his open window, which is hard to do. And he's saying through this mask, this is insane behavior. People can see you. And I'm saying, I don't care. I have to right now.
I just have to. And I wasn't even I love Matt O'Brien. I'm not mad at him. I just know I had to. It's like whack a mole. I saw his head. I had I saw his head through an open window and I had to try and kick him. And then you talk about it on a podcast with a million listeners. Yeah, yes. But what I'm trying to say is that's my way of showing affection that isn't classically, you know, repressed Irish Catholics way of telling another man, I have affection for you and I admire you, used to somehow try and injure them.
That is that is really how I behave. There's no higher compliment than to be physically attacked by me. So that's also how we know you're in a good mood. You know, it's crazy. That would be the way that most people would know you were in a bad mood. Yeah, it's the opposite of affection. I know, but I know. Well, who can say what affection really means?
I can. And it's the opposite of affectionate, you can say is affection, hugging and kissing and making someone feel better or attacking them violently and causing them pain. No, everyone has their own definition of what affection is.
You and Michael Meyers. Yeah.
You and sociopath. No, no, no, I. I don't think a day went by when I was a kid, when I wasn't being manhandled by one of my brothers or was manhandling someone else in my family is just manhandling each other. That's how we communicated.
Huh. OK, that's healthy.
You mean OK as you being sarcastic. He's saying you think it's unhealthy. Yeah, I think it's unhealthy to hit people and be like it's how that's what my parents used to say to me about when my brother used to hit me. They'd be like, that's how he shows you. He loves you. And I'm like, why can't you just hug people saying, oh my God, everyone hug. They don't want to hug. That's not how I show love.
Do you hit your children? I try. I chase them. They're faster than me. And I think both now stronger than me. And does it work the opposite? So if you hug and kiss someone, you hate them like Godfather to Fredo, it's just the kiss of death.
Yes, Matt, every time I see you. Yeah, big wet one, I give you a big wet kiss on the cheek and I say, Gorley, I know it was you. And then I say, you broke my heart and you keep asking me to go fishing with you.
Don't do it, Matt.
You know, what I love is that on The Godfather Part two, and if this is a spoiler for you, then your life is sad because I know this, but I love that it's like Fredo is going to take Michael's son out on the boat, you know, and he's going to go fishing and they're like, yeah, just one more thing. This famous hit man is going to sit behind you in the boat. Oh, OK. Yeah, I said, OK, he's just going to sit behind you in the boat.
That's fine. And the kids not coming this time, guess what, the kid can't make it, but the kitman still going to go with you and sit behind you. All right then. That's OK. I'm very suspicious. I'm always very suspicious when I if I want to go fishing or on a ride and someone says, can this famous killer sit behind you on the way? Yeah. And that's when I ask questions. That's just me.
All right. Well, very excited about our guest today.
I've known this. I'm going to call him a gentleman called a gentleman. I've known him for so many years. Of course, he's a hilarious actor, comedian who was, of course, a cast member on Saturday Night Live. And we actually worked together on that show back in the day, back in the early 1920s. He starred in such movies as Tommy Boy, Joe Dirt and Grown UPS. He now hosts the new Netflix talk show, The Netflix Afterparty.
And I really am excited.
David Spade, welcome. We we've known each other sixty five years, I think we've been friends a long time. We met at SNL probably. Oh wow. You've given this a lot of thought. Hey, you don't even remember. I remember exactly when I met you. Oh, you do, really? Yeah. And it's clearly it had a huge impact on you as well. I was a writer on Saturday Night Live and it's Kohnen Honan and I this didn't happen often, but Lorne invited me along to check out cast auditions at a comedy club.
I saw a bunch of people audition that night and then Rob Schneider auditioned that night and I think he did well. And then you and then you got up and you were doing fine. But then but then at the end, you just threw in an impression of Michael J. Fox. It's one of the better celebrity impressions I've seen. It was just completely spot on and no one did. Michael J. Fox and you did it. And I think that clinched it for you.
And then afterwards, Sean was like, I liked Schneider and I like Spayd. Yeah. Michael J. Fox.
Scott yeah. Michael J. Fox guy, which he called you. He called you Michael J. Fox guy for the next seven years.
Yeah. Yeah. You know, that's funny because the impression definitely saved me because I'm not really an SNL type guy. I'm not really like a man of a million voices and characters and I don't sing and I don't play guitar and all that shit that would really help on that show. I didn't even know back then, but that would really help. So SNL was never in my sights. I wanted to ultimately work up to being a headliner comic. That was really and Dennis had warned me.
Dennis Miller, this is this is great advice. Where are you going to go, Spud? Like I go. It's not that many people. Butterly you don't want to kill too hard. That's a red flag, so don't do good. And he's like, that's it's it's a warning sign on your fucking road back. And I go, so I like bringing up next I go.
So I do do a good or I don't. Do you know, I think he was screwing with you. Frankly, I don't need spurtle coming into my action here and doing just fine. You nipping at my heels. Yeah.
I remember you showing hanging out for the first time and I got the impression that, like Schneider, he got really tight with the head writer Jim Downey right away. And he was like when he was getting stuff on and he was always like, knock on Jim Downie's door. And no one, none of us could get in there to see him. And you'd open it up. And somehow Schneider was in there and he was working down and getting stuff on the air.
And I remember I'd be working on something with Smiggle or Greg Daniels or Odenkirk and I'd be working coming up with the idea or working on my own thing. And you'd always come by late at night at like 3:00 in the morning, and you were real kind of nervous.
And you were like, what? What's how's it going, guys? Anybody got what are you working on? Anybody want to put my name on their sketch? Because I don't have Jack shit. But you know what else? And this is something that I, I like to remind myself is the person who also seemed equally unsure and equally nervous was Chris Rock. And people refused to believe that because Chris is such a confident, you know, superstar comic, that if you tell them that he used to, like, peek in and go, hey, anybody got anything?
What do you think? I don't know. What do you think? I got nothing. And you and you and I tell people that and they don't recognize that Chris Rock, they think he could never have been that person. But that's what do like the panther pacing in his act and killing and doing his specials and. Right. Confidence. Yeah, well, just to bore the fucking shit out of it. When will cut this out. Later obviously we started.
Yeah. Oh no, no. None of this, none of this will be in fact I doubt I doubt you'll get in at all. Don't you get is this my audition episode. This is this is your audition for the podcast. And but this won't ever this will never make it. This is practice stories. This is so Chris, we came on at the end of a season, which is sort of weird. Yeah, we did four shows and then me and Rob and then Dennis like you didn't get anything on.
That's not that's a bad sign. I'm like, oh, how can I get anything on. Everyone's great here. I've said this before but fuck. And you were there writing and under and you know, I never I never almost ever mentioned Greg Daniels and I forget what a huge monster writer. Yep. And he was there to just to make it that much harder because and Jack Handy's is a genius. I mean, to me I think to everybody, but to me I was always astounded reading his stuff, going he thinks so far out of what I.
Think I'm like, what am I doing here, this fucking how am I I just have you know, when you get there, you have it wooden desk and a yellow pad and a pen. I like Jim Henry or, you know, on or down even to say, here you go. You share this with that guy's name is Schnieder, go see it, read through. And then they all leave and no one's even at work because it's the middle of the day.
So no one's there. And the people start trickling in and just go in their offices and close the door. And I go, am I supposed to write it? What the fuck's going on? I don't know what to write. It's good. So there's no learning annex. There's no coaching. I've said before you were very helpful. You, I think, are just a normal, nice guy down deep and down.
Yeah. How how down deep. Seona down. Never been found. I found got the right path to my level. I think, I think Bob Odenkirk is very sweet.
I still do. And you're put in a cage like gladiators. So I'm not even saying anyone is a gruff exterior. Everyone's just there to try to get their stuff on and do well in a very tough environment. So it's a tough world. So, Chris Rock, you brought him up. He's a quiet sort of sweet guy that when he's just talking, he's very nice. And that's why we sort of gravitated together, because he could tell I was scared and I didn't have any, like, tough street smarts.
I've never been really to New York. I was from Arizona, never really been back east. I didn't know about accents. I didn't know Sallas doing like New Hampshire, the Vaillancourt Cowboys. I don't know what that was. I don't know what I go they have a different people here somewhere, but there's different ones. And so I'm learning every day different things. But the fact that I hung in there by a thread because you guys, what I go in to see you and Bob and maybe Greg and you would put the pad down for a second is to say what you want to do is try to have too many sets in it or try and just some basics.
But what was the thing that I'm trying to remember, the first thing you did where you felt like say, wait a minute. Yeah, that this because everyone's got their sketch or their bit that they did that where they felt things turn like they felt like I could make it here. What was that for you?
So I write, what about life alert? Old lady keeps calling life just to talk to people.
Talk to the paramedics. Yeah, it's she's running out of ideas like my hands on the toaster and it's on dark hurry and so but I've got enough for Shoemaker put it early and then it did well and it was I went into the board after and it was moved. So that meant they thought about it and they pull ones they like from all the sketches. You want to try it here. You like this. No. Here, here. Spades update and then Frankin now.
Yeah. So now I'm so horrible.
So I almost got on it and then after that it was real dry gulch for a while. So the question you're saying is the following year I was having trouble and Lord told Brad Gray and Markovits, our managers, I don't know if it's clicking. So I was just trying and trying and I think I got one receptionist work out. There you go. And then I think Lauren said, maybe write another one of those. And once he says that you're in.
Yeah, then it was Hollywood minute and then Lauren really said maybe one.
This week I go, we just did one last week. You know what to. Yeah.
So you are going after people in Hollywood minute and it could be vicious. Usually they have to have some sort of misstep to get on the list to make fun of. I'm not really going after them out of the blue. When I got to I left, I think they made fun of me on SNL. Like three weeks later. I was like, fuck, let me get out of the building.
And then I think Family Guy did a joke and then Simpsons did what I was.
I like it's all in good fun, but I hate it. So I was on the other side of it going, Oh, this does suck because I do I don't want to get Jim Carrey once, but it was too soon because I loved Jim Carrey do those words part. So what happened? Did he did you hear from him?
No, it was more that just the audience wasn't buying. They loved him too much. So they weren't they weren't having it. Right.
But the ones I run into I remember one time on 8H lingo, I was right there by the desk.
Before you walk it, remember, there was no security there. I'm sure there is now. But you could just run out and tackle Paul McCartney if you wanted to. If there was. No, I shouldn't put this out there. I know there's security there now. So there's so only if you have a time machine can you use this to your advantage. But I swear to God, in the eighties and all the time I was doing late night random people and this is a true story.
I remembered once Tom Hanks was on the show and I'm in a tiny dressing room talking to him before the show. And I notice there's a guy in the corner who I just assume is like Tom's manager or something. And then I notice the guy has, like, cut that weird kind of sunburn people only get when they're on the street all the time. And I and I sort of started to tell. Tom was talking to someone else, and I start to say to the guys, so how long have you known Tom?
And he's like, I don't really know Tom.
And he's in a small room with Tom Hanks. And I look at him, I was like, hey, do you want to walk with me for a second? That goes like, OK, yeah. And he came with me. He was a random guy who had taken a tour, just peeled off of the tour, was walking around, saw Tom Hanks in a dressing room talking to somebody and went in and was hanging out. He could have been a murderer.
I was horrified, like, I have to get back to stab Tom and I just want to show you what the said. Hey, it's being really nice to me. Maybe I'll stay in the corner. So, yeah, there's security there now, but. So you're at the page desk and what's happening?
I don't want to waste my stabbing on and he's going back. He's not big enough star. And then I start arguing, you know what, I actually am I the only guy you could stab me? And it would be a pretty big deal. No, not really. Good story.
You're right here. So I go in and just a random one. Cameron Crowe is there. So Cameron Crowe. Yeah, big director, writer, fast times, all these great things who I work with recently, who read my book, who's just out of the blue. 20 years later, I see the coolest guy in the world. But I was a fan of his, of course, from his stuff. And he goes, Hey, this grabs me.
Spade Cameron Crowe just want to say hi, you blah, blah, blah.
Nice, nice. And I'm thinking chemical. He's married to someone famous. Then he goes, Hey, do you know my wife? And I start to go over and I go, Oh, no. And it's the woman from heart, Nancy Wilson. Yes. And she goes, Hey, as I'm shaking. Yeah, you said something really shitty about me and my sister.
Oh, yeah. And and I'm like and still sinking in I go. And one problem is I love her again. I'm a psycho. I love art. But I just said a joke that was a little rough. And then I said I when you make a Hollywood minute omelet you got to break some eggs or I said something stupid like that. Oh, I'm sure that she's smooth everything over. And she was like, laughing I got caught. No, she didn't.
She didn't like it. And then I went back at a concert maybe ten years later, and I asked to go backstage and see them to apologize again because I went to their concert because I love them. And they were pretty cool, but they were nice. But but I had to go back and just say, God damn, you guys are great and what the fuck is wrong with me? But it was just trying to get on the show.
I mean, I talked to Schneider about this like, you know, whatever it was, it's a tough place. It's hard to watch, you know, it's just hard to be there. You know, when everyone heard the same stories, I'm sure they're the same fucking now when you're there and there's twenty five cast members like it, unless you're a star, you're not going to be on the show that week. They're like, hey, you look like Ross Perot cast member.
And you go, really?
And they go, you know, who else does Matt Damon fuck? I do think that sometimes now when I watch turnout is I think it would be tough to be a cast member now because they do this, you know, they they do this thing where it's like, hey, let's we can choose from any massive celebrity in the world to come in and play a part.
I used I used a hip reference like Ross Perot. And you know why I said that? I think as I'm still psychologically damaged from going, you know, like I were I called Smiggle once I go, I never call Smiggle on the show. I go, Hey, Smugglers', this guy I saw on the news, you've never heard of Ross Perot. He'd be funny to play, right? Yeah. Yeah. And then on Monday they go, yeah, Dana's playing well, that's why.
Do you want a better version? Why? Well, that's not all he can.
He's doing bullshit. Bill is doing Clinton and he's like, yeah, we're going to figure it out with the latest technology where we're going to be able to have him do too. When you do zero fucking shit, that's a rough place.
But when you're with you guys and Mike Myers and Chris Rock and Farley and Sandler, I mean, holy fuck, you just look back and go. If you knew then I just thought, everybody's this good. What? I'm in over my head. I'm like powder. I'm too fragile to be here. Like, I'm stressed every day. I'm losing weight. My hair is brown in two weeks, never brown in my life because I fucking the sun is sunny for only eight minutes a day.
If you're right between the buildings. I got it. So, so I'm getting pale and sickly and I'm eating pizza. I didn't have a glass of water for fifteen years, I, I didn't have any vegetables and I was there honestly it just ate while I Josefsson Huxley's fucking garbage and then malnourish and I walked out of there going I got my bell rung and then everything was a little easier. Yeah.
You were very tight with Farly back in the day you guys were together at SNL and that's where you ended up finding that you had a good chemistry together. And I heard a story once. I don't know if it's true that he actually physically hurt you in a sketch accidentally.
I don't know. Is that true? Well, one one time when he picked me up for one of the motivational speakers, he had this, like, spin backwards. And we both fell to a table and it didn't sort of jar me. Yeah, because I have bad neck and he's like, you acted like you were hurt. You fucked it all up. I go, I'm his wife. Oh, I go. I got to fuck it up.
It was the very end. They went to a commercial. He goes, Hey, you were slow getting up. I go, Who gives a fuck? It's over. I was hurt. Fuck you.
He chewed you out because you both fell over backwards and you did get hurt and he was mad at you for being hurt. Yeah. Yeah. That's that's an that's an abusive relationship. So fucking funny. Yeah. It was funny. It's like, oh God. It's because, you know, his dad just yelled at him that he turned around and yelled at me so I wouldn't try to find an intern to scream at.
But I just I actually this guy sent me, you know, this is stupid. But on my phone, this guy, you laugh at this. Maybe a lot of people get these pictures or tattoos. You know, like of me is joder. You know, they send you a lot of you get a lot of tattoos of stuff like things you say or photos or whatever. They send me one Zafarullah or whatever. So this guy says you want to he's got Naum of all morons on his hand, Gormogon.
So I text him, I go, I just sent it to him. I go, Hey, you have fans. And then I put Prince's fan.
Oh, all we know is for sure this one. And then and then of course, like days later.
David. Hello, it's me, Norm. How are you? Have you ever texted with Norm.
It's now eleven. No times a thousand. He just goes he waits days that three of the morning.
Hello. I go. Norm, what are you are you answering me from four days ago.
Is are you doing Dave. It's Norm.
You like money. Yes, I like money. Why would you like to have more money than all your wildest dreams? Yes, I would.
And then an hour later, would you like to walk into a dealership and point to a car and then just buy it?
I of course, I now and then three hours later, Betha over in the Blackhawks game for first period, I go OK to buy that game was six days ago. You know what's funny is that that reminds me. I was just thinking about this the other day. Norm was on my late night show and always an amazing guest and some of my favorite moments. And he's I know that Norm Norm is in the in the makeup room getting made up.
And, you know, the band's playing more about I'm about to go out and start the show, but I go in just to say, hey, tenorman, what I want to do is make sure I like to get in sync with people a little beforehand. Just make sure that, you know, we're both on the same page, get a good groove going. So I go in the band's plan and Norm's always going to be like, Hey, Norm, good to see you.
And say, yeah, can you have that bag out of the way? I'm trying to see that that television set. Can you bag back up there, Conan and even the TV's on. And so I sort of back out of the way and I realize he's watching some college basketball game and he's watching and it's towards the end of the game and all this. And I go like, OK, well, anyway, good. Can you be quiet and quiet?
And then someone scores a basket and he goes and the game's over. And he goes like, fuck, fuck, fuck. And I'm like, why anyone I just lost just lost a lot of money and my whole dirty work. Yeah. Everything I made on dirty work is gone, and I went, oh, anyone, I'm in a terrible mood. I went, OK. And then someone said, said, Conan, it's time to go on.
And I went, I'll see you out there. And it's like, well, you you came in and jinxed me. You jinx me. I'm going to fuck up your show. I'm doing a show, The Jinx. I'm going to jinx my set. I know he's so funny.
I did his show on Netflix that it was so funny and it was our something of just random. We both know what was going on. And it was it was actually a forklift or something drove through the set of like Norm. I did like it because it was so thrown together.
It was just and then he told me where to commercial and I thought we were and we weren't.
That's actually a trick. That's a great trick. It was a great trick because then he goes and he goes, yeah.
And he goes, so anyway, what's really going on? And then we start bullshitting about stuff I would never say. Then he goes right back out of the blue.
I want to ask you, I don't know if you're still with us or not, but I remembered having this is like 15 years ago, I met a restaurant called Shun Li.
It's on the Upper West Side in Manhattan. And you were at a neighboring table within with an older gentleman. And I called you over and you joined us and it was your dad. And it was just like this. And it was my dad. It was your dad. And I remember you called him something interesting.
You didn't call him Dad Peewee or something.
Oh, we call him pee back then. Yeah, he goes by Sammy, but he didn't like that when he was a one time when I was fourteen. You know, this was the story of he you know, he took off on us when we were four, six and eight, the boys. So when he shows up once a year and give me a football for Christmas, he would hang for a few minutes. So one of those few minutes he goes because you got to go work.
What do you fucking lay it around? I go, Yeah, I'm just a kid. He's like, get a job, you know, tell me he doesn't have a job, but he's got to work out there. And I go, I know, but it is a tough life, Dave. He's asking me like, well, that's not a tough life is an advice. It's tough out there.
Anyway, he goes, When I was fourteen I'd have to lay cement. When I was in Michigan, I'd put it down in a big form. Will he be where you got to get your muscle, you got to push in there. And then I just pushed cement around all day, tells me the whole story and I go, So what'd you do after that, Peewee? And he goes, Hey, fuck you don't go pick that up from the whole story.
And so. So that's the one job you ever had. Yeah. Yeah.
And the only thing I cared about was they called them Peewee. And so the rest of his life we all call them Pee Wee. And he was you know, it's so weird that he did pass away. He passed away last week. So that's definitely. You're kidding. I'm not kidding. Oh, man. Oh, I'm sorry. Break them. No, I'm sorry. I didn't know that at all. I just remembered having this really sort of amazing dinner with you and your dad.
And then I. I had no idea that he passed away a week ago.
And unless and I'm not you know, I didn't make some press thing about it, but he passed away. And, you know, I look back on the fact that he was I don't remember being down the beginning of those four, but then he'd pop in here and there and believe me, I got a million jokes out of it. It was it was sort of, you know, it wasn't a great situation. A lot of kids have divorces and things.
So I wasn't, like, the only one bitching about it. But it we you know, we had enough to know him the rest of my life and then it sort of faded out in the later years. But, you know, it was nice. There's parts that were nice, nice. And I will look back on those funny parts and the fun parts because you said nothing wrong. I mean, this is my dad who I've talked about a million times.
Yeah, but know what's weird.
First of all, I'm really I'm sorry that your dad passed, and I can't believe that, you know, I always keep a couple of notes on the side of things to talk about. And your dad isn't even anywhere in the notes. He just popped into my head because I had this very strong memory being at Shenley. And I think I was with my producer, Jeff Ross and seeing you and which turned out to be your father at another table.
And you guys came over and we all sat together and had this really great meal. And I remember you calling your dad Peewee and not really knowing money, not knowing. I think I was aware, obviously, having known you at SNL, that you didn't have the most normal relationship with your dad because he hadn't been around. But I remember that being a really great night, you were really making him laugh. And he seemed to just sort of delighted to to be there.
I'm sure he was. I mean, evidently he was really proud of you, so.
Yeah. Yeah. You know, he had a he kind of got a great scam going because he he ran out on us. But my mom, you know, carried all the weight. So my mom, you know, we treat like queen because she really hung in there three boys. I mean, what a fucking hassle that was and. What is going and, you know, we got older, he sort of came around sort of the timing of where child support would not be a problem.
I was like 17, 18. So but then I started stand up. We're in the same town. So he started coming to the bars. This is and this is in Arizona.
In Scottsdale. Yeah. Yeah. And then and then I got to SNL and so I'd have him come out there. He got to meet guys like you. We got to hobnob around which I like my dad around of course. And then and was doing started Kate Spade. So he's got that to sort of brag about with people he meets. He's got me on SNL so that all is fun for him. And then, you know, we just sort of I think what happened is I had a daughter and then it just was a different dynamic to it after that.
And I, I didn't love it. I thought, man, I don't think I want. And then he was, you know, drank so much that by the end he was you know, he had, you know, whatever it's called, when you get older, you can't remember anything. And so, yeah, I kind of have it to kind of dementia. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of dementia. A little bit of separating. So that was hard to watch and it got toward the end.
And then we put them up in Santa Barbara, this nice place, and I go see them. But listen, it's not he's not going to be there forever. So I'm glad you had a nice memory with him because there were a lot of really fun, really fun times.
How is your mom still with us? I can't believe I'm asking without. No, no, no, I'm kidding. Yeah, my mom's still around. What have you said? What have you said? She died an hour ago. I said this just in Kona. Just gone. I'm sorry. That's dark. It's really dark now. My mom is hilarious and great and loves you.
And she she saw you. I hung out with her.
I was that I hung out with your mom at and Adam Scott. Adam Sandler's daughters. Sadie's bar mitzvah. And I'm there and I'm talking to this woman and and this is I love hitting on but but across the table is Dustin Hoffman.
And and she's like, oh, my God, it's Dustin Hoffman. And yeah, and she's really starstruck. And I'm trying to remember this because it was really funny. She kept saying, like, I'm going to go up to Dustin Hoffman and I'm going to tell him. And she was like, I love the movie Tootsie. And I went, well, that be a nice thing to say to him, that I'm coaching your mom.
And then she also said, Amadeus. Yes. Was her favorite. Yes. So that was the key thing is she said, I'm going to go. She said, I'm going to go tell him. And I'm talking to her. And there's loud music playing.
And and she said, I'm going to go tell him that I love to see that it's like my fourth favorite movie because my favorite movie is Amadeus. And I said I said to your mom, what's her first name? What's your first name? Judy. I said, Judy, I have. And I'm just I'm not telling you what to do. But in my opinion, what I think you should do is just go up and tell him how much you love.
Just I was editing her speech. I was saying just lose the part about how it's your fourth favorite. Just say I love Tootsie. It's just one of my all time favorite movies and skip the part about Amadeus. And she was like, but Amadeus is my favorite movie. And I when I heard something that I went, she's he's not in Amadeus and she's like, Yeah, I know, but it's the best movie. And then I said, yes.
And I said, Trust me, trust me. Just say I like Tootsie. So then I see her go over and the music's playing. So I can't really hear and I see him smile really like because I think I can sort of lip reading and she says, like Tootsie and I'm smiling. But then I see her talking more and I, I see her acting out and I see his face kind of fall a little bit. So predictable, slow motion.
And I go, Mom, if it comes up organically you can because she goes Cotan says I go, Canaan's in the fucking biz, mommy. We get compliments and we know we don't want to hear you think people come up we go I love Happy Gilmore then Waterboy and I know you're one of yours is up there. Tell me your movies.
And I'm like, but I don't my lead with Tootsie and then Star.
Yeah, exactly. Same advice I gave her. But you and I both know that people will say something really great and then they start talking about how you're like one of their ten favorite comics and you go, oh well that's that's good, that's great.
Then they'll start listing some of the other people. Yes. You're like, yes, that's a funny one. I hate those people. Now, you know, you did it without being mean. Yeah, I've had it. My two favorite comics are you and blank. And I'm like, oh, shut the fuck up. The exact opposite. Like, that's my worst favorite cause I like you. I like you and Kid Rock. I think you do the best.
They do say that because we were in Joder Cohen and it's not a joke.
He was unaware he was on camera. You tricked him into being in there.
Oh, Kid Rock. I sharpen his acting skills. Conan, you walked out of that movie gone. That guy can act.
I know you did when you saw. But I get people that say they're not even compliments by things they say to me, they think they're and they're coming out and you know what I thought would be bad, but was only there wasn't that bad was and I go, whatever you're about to say, just don't say I don't want to hear what which one of my movies you thought would be horrible. They always go, I never liked you. And you know what?
One almost won me over. I go, I got the vicinity. What's your relationship like with Sandler? Do you guys hang out? I mean, obviously, you've worked with him a ton. You know, it's like probably like you.
It's pretty good. Like, I, I always had fun to work with and we always joke, you know, I work for him and all that stuff. But overall, he's really just a dude that likes anything. You know, he's a New Hampshire guy that likes his buddies around and likes to bullshit and just do things that I think I think I'm known and you're known. But when you get so high, like Sandler, like that, it's it screws my head at a certain degree.
But with that ultra fame stuff, it's and and so much money, it's just got to be it's a slightly weirder life. And luckily it's got Jackie and his kids that are great, that are grounding and such a boring term. But they're all just cool and easy. And he's with them so much that I think he's in this bubble of sort of a good, good people around, you know. And when you have that, it helps you.
And it's fun to talk to his father text whether it's fun to see him. Yeah. I've never been to a movie.
I've never obviously I've never been in a movie. And so I've never worked with him. I resent it that I haven't you know, I could easily be a waiter or something in one of his movies, but but no, you know, you guys have your little you have your little thing, and I'm not invited.
My point is you always come up, though.
There was a of my conomos and he's like, everyone voted no. I just think people would be like, that takes you out of it. And he goes, What if he's cross-eyed?
Every single one of you votes? No, every single time. Yeah, that was that's probably the right call. But but yeah, he also he works for a guy who's achieved so much, he's always telling me, like, oh buddy, I've got like six movies going right now and I got to do this thing and then I got to go there, buddy. And sometimes I want to say to him, you don't have to do all this.
You could do anything, you could do a little less. I mean, it's good to work, but you don't have to. But he's very driven. He's very driven.
Sit on your pyramid of gold bricks in your foyer. All right. You do that. Jesus Christ. You know what does that.
Well, no, it's just, you know, I mean, come on. The guy is rich. Is he really, though? I think he's not doesn't have that much money.
You're right. I've never thought about it. Conan is he's really not that rich. I really I've seen money in his wallet, but that's the only money. There's no proof that Adam Sandler has really had any financial success in the business.
There is a funny thing about his wallet is an old leather wallet. Looks like Costanza. It's got maybe two hundred thousand. I don't know what's in it, but it can't even fold. And he puts in the table because it doesn't fit his pocket. So you just look at it and go, God damn, just if I stole this and just ran, I don't even need the credit card. I don't need all that stuff. I'd give that back, but I could just take them.
He also has he'll never dress up. I think for one thing, when he was up for an Oscar, I saw him starting. I introduced him at something and he was all dressed up and I couldn't believe, yeah, he's this tough.
I was an Oscar party and he rolls in his Jets park. I'm like, oh, boy. I said, do you have to act cool everyone like this? I look like an asshole because I wear a suit I like. You're still doing that.
I go, I know you'll be out of school. Yeah, you'll be at a funeral and he'll show up and he's wearing like he's wearing, you know, sort of those long basketball shorts and and Big Brother just played or he's going, body's his way to play.
I'm wearing my best shorts. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, he he is a hard worker though in those movies. He he puts so much effort into women. He knows what he's doing, man. He's editing one. He's rewriting the next one. He's doing the one we're doing. And I love it. They're all fun. I mean he is on the set. Everyone thinks he just screws but he he's in there. Yes. It can get serious because you're you know, you lose a lot.
You're doing this. You're trying to get your shots. It's set up wrong. We're blockings fucked up. We're trying to get everything done and make it the funniest. And, you know, it is a real business at some point. Yes. You don't get it, but I don't get it, which I wish I could explain. It's just come to me too easily, you know, just I see your dead eyes. I'm like, and I'm not getting to a show.
I really don't think about this. It's just having a lot of goofs and laughs. Hey, you know what? You have a heart out at 1:00, so I don't want to keep you. I don't want to keep you zoom work, do you, though, or is that just a thing? Is that a power play that you have to go?
I think it's a power play. It's not a power play. It's just tests have shown I'm fun for about 36 minutes. And then after that and socket spikes down. Yeah, we have you clocked at twenty eight minutes and then I'm the bitcoin of common.
Listen, I'm going to let you go. I, I am sincerely just very sorry to hear about your dad and but because I wanted to you know, and on a down note, which is what I try and do.
Oh listen, you were a fucking blast to talk to. I don't see you enough. So getting an hour with you is a great time for me.
You know what I want to do. And you know what I want to do some time, if you're up for it, is Dana Carvey. And I get together every now and then at a certain sushi restaurant pre pandemic. Yeah. And he's. Oh, and he stole from me. Yes. And he always said, Spayd, turn me out of this place and I come here with Spayd and I've always thought, why don't I get to come here with Kavi and Spayd.
Why am I. There's some kind of rule and I started to get creeped out and think Spayd doesn't want to see me. He so he won't tell me.
He goes, oh no he doesn't tell me. And then the waiter goes, where were you Kohnen and Kavi. I fucking was like Conan O'Brien was in. It was so funny. Go. I don't know, I would have. And then I go Dana and he goes, Oh would you want to go. I go, don't be an ass. Anybody I used to like and hang out with of course. Yeah we'll fucking crack up. All right.
Those dinners are so fun. I went there once with Dana, Dennis and Kevin and it's so fun to watch those guys be hilarious.
Lovitz goes there sometimes had to hang out Jay Leno, you know, does anyone recognize me and play celebrity in the house I love.
It's it's still funny that he still says that he's a hilarious guy.
Listen, I'm going to let you go, but be well. And let's when this craziness is over, this pandemic thing, let's let's get let's go. Let's go. Let's get a meal. They'd be really nice. Yeah. It's time to go back in time for another edition of Big Dick History. So how is this doing, by the way, this big dick history? We stumbled upon it the way one stumbles upon a large penis in life.
And then suddenly you guys are telling me we have to do it more and we have to do it again. Which leads me to believe that there's been some kind of response out there.
It's taking over the world. Oh, wow. Big Dick history. Well, it's big.
I will tell you. I'll tell you this. It combines things that people are fascinated by its history and then penises. It's the only history I'll listen to. I'm going to be honest with you.
I mean, I know you are really into like dates and details, but I'm just like, how big was the dick?
Yeah, sorry. Yes. Well, if this is something that America wants, then it's our job to give it to them. That's right. You're welcome. I mean, this can't bite us in the ass.
The bigger the dick, the bigger the fall. But who cares? We're going to do something today called Big Dick History. The quiz. Are you ready? OK, just buzz in by yelling your name if you know the answer. Number one, what historical figures swaying and weighing was described by a Time magazine journalist in 1927 as a, quote, maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace.
Wait a minute. Can I hear the question again? What historical figures swang and weighing was described by a Time magazine journalist in 1927 as a maltreated strip of buckskin shoelace. Oh my God.
Is it Rasputin, Napoleon, Prince Albert or Vladimir Lenin?
Oh, I'm going to say Seona. Yes, Lenin. Incorrect. I'm going to say Napoleon.
Napoleon is correct. Yeah, because, oh, they they actually claim to have Napoleon's penis. That's right.
The others would not be available for inspection, whereas I think Napoleon's would be.
And my understanding is it's actually like a bookseller's.
Keep in mind, a lot of this research is rumor based, but for our purposes, who cares?
You know, it's not only owned Napoleon's penis by a bookseller. Did you know this? It's used as a bookmark when the shoelace.
Yeah, that explains guy. Yeah. When this guy is reading 50 Shades of Grey and he gets to a he's tired and he wants to just turn in for the night, he puts Napoleon's penis into the book and shuts it.
Yet after he uses it to floss his teeth. OK, next question.
How did you what did he go too far on history. You know what you can and you just did using a dig is what I think. That's where we draw the line for Big Dig.
Well, we had to find it. All right. Number two, actor Gary Cooper was nicknamed the Pennsylvania Pipeline, New York Pork Old Faithful or the Montana Mule Pennsylvania Pipeline. That's incorrect.
No, it's correct. Don't start this again. This is big deal.
You have to lose graciously. Yeah, just try to lose graciously sometimes. Wait, what was the question again? I thought we were asking, what's the best way to get oil to Pennsylvania? To Philadelphia know. Was that the question that Gary Cooper. The Pennsylvania pipeline. Oh yeah. The Montana mule. Yeah. Seona, what's your answer. Go with Montana Mule and you'll win. Come. I know. I don't I don't wanna go ahead because if I do, then I know that you don't.
Go ahead. It's Montana Old Faithful. Actually, it's Montana Mule.
So nobody gets to play there. Oh, yeah.
But you know what? I get a point for telling. So, you know, it's like, you know, because I knew it was correct. And then I told Sonya she refused to take it out of foolish pride. Yeah. And she went down in flames. If you knew it. Why did you say the Pennsylvania one first? Because I had a funny joke about how to get to oil to to Philadelphia.
OK, question three. It doesn't make any sense. You just you got it wrong. And then I always win time. So your chances of getting it right the second time were better. Nope. I always win. No I did. Definitely didn't win.
That one was wrong. So Conan was wrong. Not one. Gallie. OK, thank you.
Conan O'Brien's always right was the original name of this podcast. You're giving Big Dick history a double meaning on this podcast.
OK, number three, let that go.
What's edit that out athlete Wilt Chamberlain's big guy was nicknamed the Stilt Big Dipper Drillbit or the Bazooka Seona.
Seona. I'm going to say I don't like can I say something?
Shouting out your name, you're winning and you're still somehow a sore loser. This is incredible. I'm going to guess the stilt. That's not correct. Sorry. And I'll have to do is guess Conan.
The remaining choices are Big Dipper, Drillbit or the bazooka. We all know it's the Drillbit. Sorry, it's the Big Dipper. Yeah. You got it wrong, Conan.
I'm not sure if you knew that. No, here's the thing. I know the answers to all of these, but by appearing not to know them, I don't come across as someone who's obsessed with penises.
I should have known never to do a quiz. All right. OK, number four, most infuriating person to do this with, there's no Tony Worth. Oh, oh, I thought that was the next question.
Number for one, Baptista dos Santos was known for a forked Chalong B, one main Shillong with a tiny little Shillong coming out of it.
Kind of like how a xenomorph in the movie Alien says one of those things seem to separate working Shlomo's or D, the biggest Shillong ever on record.
Seona Yeah, I'm going to say Double Chalong, the two separate working songs. Yeah. Or the one made to separate working Shlomit.
Oh Conan. I got it right. I just wanted to. I know but did everyone notice that she has a hard G and she went. That's what you're going to have to find like that threw me off longer and then I'm like I don't even want to play, I want to hear what do you want to be petty like that. That's fine. That's OK. We're all tired. I got it right and you got it wrong.
We're what are we going to up? Three questions left. OK, thank you. We had a very popular, stunningly popular podcast until we took on this.
Oh, it's it's never been big. Biggest heart, this horrible turn down this awful road. OK, go so mad. He's tideline.
Though evidence is scant, Adolf Hitler is rumored to have had which to genital abnormalities.
OK, so you have to name both if you can. And and if one person gets only one and the other person gets none, they'll win.
OK, one undescended testicle, two missing testicle, three penile hypos.
Spannaus, which is the urethra opens on the underside of the penis or for micropenis.
OK, I have the answer to this and I pick two or pick one. You pick two. Well, first of all, one ball missing testicle is is soldiers sang songs about it during World War Two, probably propaganda.
And then the other would be the micropenis. You got one right.
You got the missing testicle. Micropenis is incorrect.
Micropenis is a relative term. I think compared to mine it would be a micropenis.
I'm going to guess it's the urethra one where the urethra is underneath.
That's correct. So you each get a point here. OK, ok, there you go. It's all tied. Still tied. Koenen this is tied the Big Dig history quiz and we're tied.
So number six which classic rock star had his big old yam cast in plaster.
I got it. OK, Jimi Hendrix.
That's correct. No. Oh wow. How do you know that. Because I found it. I don't, I, I use it as a it's a popsicle mold.
Come on there. Yeah. I just distribute them through the neighborhood. No one knows what they're really sucking on except that it's delicious and cherry.
What an awful, awful rush of gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, final question.
So Sony you can tie it up here or Conan you can take the victory.
All right. I want this so bad.
Number seven, Errol Flynn once used his John Thomas to do what, swat a fly, play piano, open a door or hail a cab a me.
So I know this one actually play the piano. That's correct.
I. Was that we were going to say, yep, no, you get away now, it's a famous story, is it? Oh, that's a famous that's a well-known story. Yeah, he played a rag, a Baltimore rag. He played with his left hand and his penis. And apparently he did three shows a night. Oh, that's a true, true, true story. He was a session musician. He appears on a lot of classic Bing Crosby songs.
And it just. But he's uncredited. You can just hear in the background the piano, which is lovely, lovely playing.
Occasionally we hear a flap come in that the songs are.
Yeah, OK, then the tie breaker here is I'm just going to see if you guys can guess the answer to this question. Without Multiple-choice, what is Jonah Falcon known for having a big penis.
Here to elaborate large penis. But that's ridiculous. That's though that's the point.
Know that one called me really good at guessing I'm going to know or information. You're going to need more than that. If that person had the largest, what can you do with it? No. What could he do with it? He made puppets. Penis puppets.
OK, Kohnen, why don't you give your answer? Sonas seems to have given hers and we'll see who gets hear the name of your stalling.
Joe Nelkin. Yeah.
Who is Jonah Phalcon, don't you?
Are you Googling. He is not Googling looking down where you're going to be disqualified. Oh my opponent. Come on. I'm not Googling. Yes. What are you doing on your phone? I'm not. I'm not googling. I'm not good. Why are you looking at your phone right now? I'm not Googling you.
You're looking at four seconds, three to one. Seona, you get the point.
No, that's ridiculous. I'm not going to. That's right. Yes. I didn't do anything. I can't be seated in Big Dig history quiz. I know that's a new low. Yeah, that's worse than the flossing. No, that's not true. We all know that these are the guy that who claimed in nineteen ninety nine that he had the largest penis in the world. My God. At thirteen point five inches. That's just something people know.
Oh my God. Really.
Thirteen point four. He has the largest penis on a record apparently. Yeah. But you know what? They found out later and this is a true story that they on closer examination, he had stapled four penises together. He also claims to be the son of John Holmes.
Yeah. Yeah. But it's just it's the staples that gave it away. You can't do that. Can I just say one thing? If you're out there and you would like a larger penis and that's something occasionally people wish for, stapling other penises to your penis is not the way to go, kids. It's just it doesn't work, trust me. And it's really no substitute for just liking yourself as who you are. The more you know, then the more you know.
That's my public service announcement. Congratulations, Sona. Do you have any words I don't see. Wait a minute.
For so much. You're happy you win by six in history. A shitty way to win Seona.
Congratulations. It's not shitty because you cheated. That's why. Why? No, no, no, no. Congratulations. You won the contest of Bush v. Gore. Congratulations. President Bush wanted to win is so bad. You need this. You needed the Supreme Court, i.e. Gorley to step in and hand it to you. Despite the fact that I won overwhelming in the popular vote. How you didn't win.
You got your answers wrong and then you Google wrong. OK, now you're attacking my hajjis. That's what happens.
I wait. No, you don't. Come on default. So when can you be a grown up. You had children, you know, love.
No one gets it more competitive and angrier than Sony. Yeah, it's true.
You go right. I get imagine. Oh my God, I am so mad right now. I'm mad and I won. And that's the thing that pisses me off. Oh, you love this. You are the worst person I've ever met. He's playing rap and playing piano, lap dancing. And that's then and then at the top, that content tonight he's got two of them did a tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap, tap.
Why can't you say congratulations on your victory, Sona Sona to congratulate you on being declared the winner because of a rule in France, you cheated in multiple choice. Big, big history is the saddest win I can imagine and for me to congratulate you on that to me is beyond the pale. I won't do it. Cheated. It's ok.
It's your victory has been ratified. It's certified. You've won.
So thank you. Feel good about it. And I don't hear Trump and I'm bitin. That's the way this is. It's not Gore Bush.
But join us next week for Big Bush history. Is this really what the podcast is going to become takes and Bush and you snickering and Sona laughing is that I? I was trying to elevate the podcast. No yawn and make it something I was and try and make it something special. And then you guys come in with your snickering elementary school shenanigans. I won't have it.
I won't have it. If you won, you'd be very different right now. And that's that to me is my price. Is seeing how angry you are and how you attacking my Haji's because you're so mad you lost it this quiz and I won.
And that's something I'm going to have forever, so. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim obsession, and Conan O'Brien has himself produced by me, Matt Cawley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Airwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental Music by Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review the show on Apple podcast, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.
Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at three, two, three, four, five, one, two, eight, two, one, and leave a message. It two could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been 18 cocoa production in association with. Hi, everyone, I'm Nicole Byer.
You may know me as the host of Nailed It, you might know my standup or the half a dozen other podcasts I host. I host a lot and she's tired but fulfilled. Well, guess what? I am so excited to announce that my podcast, Why Won't You Date Me?
Is now part of the Team Coco podcast network. Oh, yes. See, I've been desperately single and have been for decades, so each week on Why Won't You Date Me? I talk to comedians, actors, drag queens, couples and even ex flings to speak about their dating life.
While I try to figure out my own, I want your version of how you guys met and came to be together. Oh, I'm just a desperate homosexual.
Like the rest of these racist chasers out here, we talk about all things sex, dating, relationships, honestly, anything I really want to talk about because it's my podcast, but we talk about which dating apps are the best to use, how to do it safely during the pandemic. And I'll tell you is hard for me. First date horror stories and sex capades gone a little wrong like Jamila Jamil and her hook up story.
I've never told the story publicly.
He books and takes three steps and kisses me on the cheek and then collapses face forward. He breaks all of his teeth when he falls and to the teeth and blood just explode all over my house.
Bear in mind I've been in America ten days prior to this. Oh my. So I don't know anyone here apart from other men from Tynda, so I can't really call them in this situation.
I also speak with professional relationship therapists and dating coaches who give tips and tools to navigate dating in the 21st century.
When you see the color red, you stop in nature. We see animals when they're trying to attract certain parts of their body will actually turn red. So it's biological. And studies have also shown that men especially will respond favorably to the color red. They did this study. They showed guys pictures of all of these women and they changed the color border on the on the photos, men would rate the same woman as more attractive when it was a red border.
So if you wear red or you have red in your background, what you're saying is stop, pay attention to me. Look at my other pictures. Interesting.
This is just a little glimpse, but we've got so many great guests lined up like Conan O'Brien. Why Whitney Cummings? Who? Paul Thomkins. Yes. Roy, would you interview Amber Maponya? Trixie Mattel. Oh, and Bob the Drag Queen. I am so many more.
Guess what, you guys, you don't want to miss an episode because honestly, it's a real treat for your ears, whether you're single dating or in a relationship. So for everybody, search and subscribe to Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer? There's me on Apple podcast, Spotify Stitcher or wherever you get your damn podcasts, you're going to be a nice little treat for your ears, a dream, if you will.