It's hard not to add a side of hot, crispy hash browns to your favorite McDonald's breakfast. It's even harder not to eat said hash browns before you get home. Conan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco. Com/callkonan. Okay, let's get started.

Hi, Hey, Anthony. Welcome to Konan O'Brien Needs a Fan.

How's it going?

Hello, Anthony. How are you?

Good, Konan. How are you doing? This is unbelievable.

Well, for us, too. For us, too, Anthony. Tell us, where are you... I didn't really mean that. Anthony, tell us, where are you calling in from? Where in the world are you, old friend?

I'm in a one bedroom apartment in Windsor, Ontario, right now.

Oh, okay. Windsor, Ontario. Yes. All right. Well, I'm I'm a big fan of All Things Canada. I think you're a- Thank you. So am I. A lovely nation. I want to thank you for calling in and ask you just a couple of questions. Just as a baseline, tell us your name is Anthony. You're in Windsor, Ontario. You're in a one bedroom apartment. You have some a flag behind you.

I do, yes. One of my favorite bands.

Oh, that's a band. It looks like it's for the Romanoff family in Russia.

Yeah, I stole it from them, actually. It was quite tough to get.

Well, you're a bad art thief because you steal things and then put them on your wall and then go on a Zoom. Is your hair... I'm just going to comment on it right away. Oh, my God. Wait a minute. Forget your hair. You just drank out of a human skull. He just lived in a cup. I did, yes. Wow. That looks like a human skull. I'm hoping it's not a real human skull.

Well, I did steal that from Russia, too. That's how I got it. It's actually from this guy here. Oh, no.

Well, I can see it's not real, but what are you... Wow. Okay. Also, I was going to comment on your hair, which looks to be died different colors. Is that right? There's some black, there's some bright, bright orange.

This is my natural. This is my natural.

My apologies.

My roots are coming in. I'm so sorry. Yeah, this is red. It's dark red all the way to the bottom. It's great. Thank you very much. It's full magenta. I appreciate that.

This is what I'm getting. I'm seeing a skull behind you on the background. I'm seeing that you're wearing a black shirt. You're Your hair is dyeed multiple colors. This leads me to question, what do you do for a living? Are you a Satanist? How does that pay? Do you conjure the dead?

I'm only on weekends. When you have a full-time job, though.

I do have a full-time job, though. I do have a full-time job, though. I do have a full-time job, though. I do have a full-time job, though. I do have a full-time job, though. I do have a full-time job, though. I do. I do. I do. I do, yes. Listen, I am not anti-Satanist, and I'm not pro-Satanist. I like to sit on the fence. Oh, good. Yeah.

For those- I'll come down anti-Satanist. Really?

I'll take the risk. I'll be pro-Satanist. We I have many... Good. Yeah. I just think, Hey, live and let live, which is not what a Satan is, please. No. I think, Hale Satan. Yeah. Okay. Take it easy. I wouldn't... Okay. Bless you.

I forgive you. I am a phlebotomist. If you can believe it or not, I take blood. Oh, we believe it.

Anthony, I believe you take blood. Now we know what you're drinking out of that skull. Oh, man. I completely believe you take blood. Whether you do it professionally, I'm not sure. You're a phlebotomist. I am, yes. You study blood disorders, is that correct?

So I don't study. Whenever you're getting any diagnosis or anything like that, it all starts with blood tests, right? So they come and see me. I do all the prepping. I make sure all the prep needs to be done for the testing, and then that gets sent over to the lab there. And then to assert dominance, I smear some on my hair, and that's where the red comes from.

I love that because I also like to assert dominance, but I have other techniques, which I'll tell you about later in a separate call. Wow. Do you extract the blood yourself or does someone else- I do, yes. Okay. All right. You're not squamish at all about it. Clearly, you're fine putting a needle into somebody. I'm okay. And taking their blood.

Yeah. Ever since I was younger, my mom would watch all these surgery shows when I'd be just home. She would watch the TLC stuff and it would be all surgeries. I'd just be sitting there watching it with her. So all that stuff really interested me when I was younger. And yeah, that's just not squamish at all because of it. Actually, I got to help out with an autopsy one time as part of a perk in schooling. A perk? Yeah.

So not every job has its perks. I've often offered you a free autopsy examination around Romanian Christmas, and you're always real like, That's not a perk. So you went in and assisted in an autopsy, and you weren't squamish at all about it?

No, not at all. And you'll never forget the smell, that's for sure. But it was probably one of the most incredible experiences of my life, just because nobody gets to do that as just every day, except for, obviously, the person performing the autopsy. But it was just something need to see because I don't have the smarts to be a doctor, but it was awesome to be able to be a part of that.

Anthony, first of all, I don't think you should put yourself down, and you are a phlebotomist. And so clearly, you have great capabilities. Have you ever been interested in being a pursuing this further and getting a full on medical degree? Are you content with phlebotomy?

I've been actually doing it for nine years right now, so I'm content where I am and just going about there. That was about the limit of what my knowledge could actually take and before I wanted to scream. But yeah, I think I'll stay here because it was pretty tough.

Anthony, quick personal question. Yes. Whenever I go to get blood drawn, and it's a lot because they're always trying to figure out what's wrong with me and how can he still be alive? Just based on my complexion alone, there's this constant, could he? Is it possible he's dead? But you know what I want to say, and this is true, every time, many times a year, I get my blood drawn. They always have a notoriously difficult time finding a vein in my arm. What is that all about? They say they can't find... And this is people who come in and go, Trust me, I never have a problem. They go in with one needle, it doesn't work. They try another. They say, I'm going to try over here. They can't find a vein.

You should get a little tattoo with an arrow that says right here.

Right here. I know. I should. But even then, I think, is it that my veins are deeply submerged? Would that be the problem?

Everyone's biology is technically different. In some cases, I've never heard of anyone having issues. You might be the only one in the world that they actually just might want to poke for fun just to to be able to get a reaction.

You know what's funny? I often hear giggling. There's a lot of ginkling. Then usually, if it's at the doctor's office, there's other doctors and nurses outside the door, and I hear a lot of giggling and high-fiving. Yeah. Did they point at you and laugh?

They all take pools to see how many needles you could probably take before you pass out. That's the fun of it, really. That's what we do at our job. It's just side cash.

Okay, so you are, and I'm just going to say it as often as I can because I love it, you are a phlebotomist. You study phlebotomy. You've often given people a phlebotonectomy. But also you like to practice the dark arts. You drink from a skull, you dress in black. Tell me a little bit about your hobbies. What do you like to do for fun?

I'm in a band, actually, with my brother, and it's all themed, of course, about religion and the questions of choice between that type of thing. So that's always been my main question in life. And it's really neat to pursue it in a musical way. And so we're in a metal band together. I knew it. When you said metal, it was not a surprise.

I did not think this was going to be- I thought Polka. Yeah, you were sure Polka. I was thinking- That's what I started with.

I started with the flute, and then I ended with a scream vocalist.

So what do you do in the band? Are you the vocalist?

I am the scream vocalist. We have two. The genre is called Metalcore. So you have a half screaming and you have a melodic singing. And so we have a buddy of mine who does the melodic screaming, and then I do the intense stuff.

Do you mind? I mean, are we okay? Should we reset levels? Eduardo, could you give us a sampling of a scream you might... Yeah, take a sip out of the skull first. Yeah, have some blood. I'll put on the spot here.

No vocal warmup.

No, it's okay. I'm sure you don't need vocal warmup to scream. But give us a sampling of what you might... And what would help you? Should I be playing a rhythm track?

Like a Yeah, give me a hard breakdown, like a... I will not survive.

Did you do it yet?

That was it? Did that pick it up because- No.

Did you hear anything? I just heard it. It sounded like you swallowed a crouton. Okay.

That's basically- Wait, there was no screen. The mic doesn't pick it up. The mic doesn't pick it up because it's so loud. Here, let me try this.

I will not survive. Go back. You take over.

Okay, put the headsets on your desk, step away from the headsets, sir, and walk back to the back of the room and then yell.

At least nine feet, and then yell.

Am I trying this for real? Yes. Here we go.

This is not a bit. We are very serious about people that scream. I will not survive. Oh my God. It's the Zoom audio filter. It's probably just... Fuck you, Zoom. Hey, Sona, that's the ninth time. No, she's right. That's the ninth time today. But Zoom discriminates against people in metal Corp. I wanted to hear it. You know what's so crazy? I got all excited.

Sona H. Muffsessian.

I thought more. H for help. No, no. Because I'm a Satanist. But guess what?

No, it's because Matt had that perfect middle name for you. Anyway.

Anthony, I have to tell you, I am really disappointed because I was, and I'm sure the listener is as well, I was all ready to hear this. Is there a way to disable that function? Yes, the listener will be able to hear it because he's recording locally, not on Zoom for us.

What you're hearing is the filter version.

I can talk him through how to turn off the filter. Okay. That's going to take- If you want, Konan, I have music videos on YouTube.

My band name is Among the Rest. You can check it out if you want.

Nice little blog. I love that. I'm going to do a goog. I'm going to goog it. Okay, I might goog it as well. You're googing later? I'm googing. You I'm going to goog it at the Guggenheim. Yeah. Oh, great. Come on. I'm going to... Your band is Among the Rest. What does that refer to?

What does it mean to you? That's what I always say to people when they say, Oh, what does that mean? I said, Well, what does it mean to you? Whatever the answer they give me, I say yes.

Sounds like a metalcore band in Ontario. That's what we were going for.

That's what we were going for.

Okay. Wow. I was so disappointed not to hear the scream, but I guess when people hear the actual- I was really hoping. Can I simulate what it sounds like to us? I'm going to do what it simulates what it sounds like to us. I was going, and then you went, and then I went, and you went, and then we said, Step away from the headset. Go back 15 feet. You did. Then we didn't make any drum sound. Then I heard.

Yeah, it sounded like a milk burp.

Yeah.

Actually, that's one of our songs, Milk Burp. You'll find it on Spotify.

But you know what I'm loving now? Anthony, I'm sure you really do scream, but I do think you should do a set and you guys should record it where you play your normal material, but instead of what you normally do, just go...

And guess what? Do that in the band sometimes. During breakdowns of shows, I will try and spit facts that are not true. In between, there's a silent part before we come in. So it'll be like, 50 % of girafes are bisexual. And then we just come right into a huge breakdown.

Are you saying 50 % are not bisexual?

If 50 % are, then 50 % are not. Got it.

I love that. I think you'd be good in a metalcore band. I think you would be. I have a pretty good scream.

You should play the triangle. You should play the triangle.

No, you don't get it, man. You should scream. No, I'm a good screamer, and I'm a very dynamic presence on stage. I do think that Satan resides within me. You got that right. That's for sure.

The only way to prove it is if you ever make it down this way for any reason, come play a show with us and I'll put you on as a feature.

Well, first of all, it would be up that way, Anthony. No one comes down to Ontario. But he's a Satanist. He's in hell. Oh, I see. Yes, that's right. You're in the lowest reaches of hell. Very nice. How do you get along with people you work with? Do they accept you for who you are? You're a little But I'm going to say it the way someone would have in 1952 and it was an older guy in entertainment, you're pretty far out there. You know what I'm saying? I mean, you're way, way out. You're a wild cat. Yeah.

Yeah. I think getting along with them is really well. I think it actually translates well to like, Hey, it's somebody different, so they remember me in a way. It's like, Oh, there's that guy at that lab that does that. I'm playing music in the lab all the time, and people know when they come in, they're like, Oh, where's the metal? Where's the metal? So they They're able to see and hear and everything, just what I'm about, and I don't hide it. But it's great. The patients love it. I have a 70-year-old fan, and she wears my band shirt to work all the time.

Maybe she's got a little crush.

Yeah, she might actually... Who knows? You never know.

I have a question for you. How good are you at putting that needle in? Do you have a ginger touch? Because some people are a little painful and others just have a knack for it.

Not to toot my own horn, but I feel like this was my calling. People have said, they'll walk in and be like, Nobody's ever gotten me. I can't. And then I'll just be like, Done. With practice, I've worked in cancer clinic stuff for school, so you get a lot of hard pics. And with that practice, sometimes it just... I'm good. That's all I could say. I'm trying to be humble, but I'm good.

But you know what? It's nice. You started out, you're trying to be self-effacing, and then all that just cracked away like an ice sheet. You said, I am the very best that's ever drawn blood. I would want a confident phlebotomist.

I'll wear that probably. You don't want an insecure- Hey, how many times have I said in my life, I love a confident phlebotomist?

How many times? Daily? Yeah. It comes up a lot.

Almost as much as he said, Fuck you, Zoom.

Well, I wish that you drew my blood because- I'll draw your blood. No, because they notoriously have a hard time finding blood inside me.

Let's see those arms. Maybe you don't have veins.

Well, I'll look at them from here. We'll see if I can find you one. If you ever come up this way, I could do a blood test for you.

I can show you the guns. Not bad. Sorry, I can't see the guns. The gun shows. Come on. We got the gun show going on here. We don't need those tickets. Hey, Soda, come on.

I think I would be too intimidated to take your blood if you showed me those guns.

Get in here. All right. This is- What's that? Buf. No, but wait a minute. Still, I see- Bufcake. I see.

You've been training for our arm wrestling rematch?

Actually, I've just been doing a lot of- Oh, snap. Hey, I like to hit the weights every now. Listen, I don't see it. I'm going to tell you that- We're not talking. I'm not talking. I'm not going to- It's right there.

Where? It's right there. Just right there.

You've got one. Right here.

Told you I'm good.

Okay. Hey, is it because I'm freckled that they're hard to see?

Believe Believe it or not, gingers actually have a harder time taking blood. That's just fact.

Why?

I don't know. I'll ask Satan.

Hey, Satan. And he's in the corner. Yeah. He's eating Girl Scout cookies. Huh? He's in a T-shirt. I love this, Samoas.

He's just feeding God knowledge. Hey, if you guys want to just make this terrible, just make gingers have terrible veins. And that's where it comes from, honestly, is Satan.

There are advantages to being I got to tell you, but I don't know what they are. I haven't encountered them yet. You know what I'm going to say? I'm going to say that Anthony is my favorite phlebotomus. Thank you.

You were my favorite talk show host, and I say that with honest to God's sincerity. I love you so much, man, and I appreciate everything that you do. Thank you so much.

That's very you. I'm glad that you enjoy our brand of... I don't know what it is we do here. It's probably not legal, but I'm glad that you're enjoying it. Do you have a question for me? Is there anything I can help you with? I do, actually.

My favorite thing in the world was your trip to Italy with Jordan Schlansky in Konin Without Borders.

I love that. Yeah.

It's a two-parter, if you don't mind. One is Jordan Schlansky AI, and The second one is, how did the comedy translate in different countries? Now, here it's like you get the quick wit because there's a lot of play on words. But when you start to get into different languages, do they understand that? You're going around in the city and you're yelling pasta names to speak Italian at Italian people, do they just think you're insane or do they understand that there's this level of sarcasm?

Two questions, and I'll take the first one first. You asked, is Jordan AI? I wish he were AI because I could press delete. But no, he unfortunately is who he is. He's a real person, and I love that he came with me. And in this news show that we just did for Max, he shows up in the Argentina episode. And if you want to look for that, it's called Conan O'Brien Must Go. It's on Max. It's a reason to get Max, and Sona will reimburse you. Now, two. What? That's just a contractual agreement you just said yes to. And then two. Excellent.

Thank you, Sona.

No, sometimes What I do, I try not to offend or anything, but I found that when I'm in countries where people don't speak the language, I become more cartoony in a way where you don't almost need to understand English, to understand that this is a very ridiculous, silly man. So one of my favorite moments ever was in Haiti, in a classroom of young, beautiful Haitian children. They were laughing really hard because a maniac just came into the room, and I basically was a party clown. There was no wordplay. But in that specific It's a terrific moment when I'm walking through the streets of Florence with Jordan, and I'm shouting out to the crowd, and I just decided, since I don't know Italian, I'll just shout Italian director's names. So I'm saying Scorsese, and And- Rigatoni. Yeah, there was a few pastas in there, but for a while I was just doing, and Coppola, and I think I did yell, Rigatoni. And a guy went, Asshole. So he did understand that I am an asshole. So You never know. I try to go in with pretty good intentions. And then I think for the most part, I try to...

If it's not translating with that person, I hope it translates back home. So that's the answer to that one.

That's excellent. That's awesome. But I do- We really appreciate it because my TV has a Conan O'Brien TV station, so I don't have to pay for anything or give you any money. I can just absorb you that way.

Oh, you mean you have a Samsung? If you have a Samsung, that means it has the Conan O'Brien channel. Yeah. Yes, I do. Oh, by all means, buy Samsung televisions. First of all, they're the best televisions and wonderful flat screens, but also they come with- And it comes with a- Conan O'Brien channel. A cut-out of you. Yeah. If you need Coner- A cut-out of you. Yeah. I'm just saying, if you're enjoying Coner Brian, maybe you should check out a Samsung TV, and I'm not getting any for this.

They also have the 24/7, 21 Jump Street channel on there, too. Is that true? It's true. And a Bob Ross channel.

I love you on that, too, Kona. That's a reasoning headache.

Hey, buy it for the 21 Jump Street channel, but then secretly, you'll grow to love it for the Kona, Brian, nonstop channel. Anyway, thank you for convincing me to promote Samsung, which I wasn't promising to do. Again, not part of my contract. But Anthony, you're a great fellow. You're a great fellow. Thank you. I do hope one day our paths cross and that you can find where my vein is. Oh, wait a minute. That came out really weird. That sounded... Hey, Anthony, come over here. I want you to drain the vein, if you know what I mean. We have this on recording. We have this on recording. I'm under arrest.

I will say this with confidence, Konan, if you come to me with a blood test sheet or however you want to do this and you need some blood, I promise you, not that I will try. I promise you I will get you.

And guess what? I will- And guess what? I want it done. I want it done on stage with your band. It's happening. You do this- That'll be in the middle of the breakdown. I come out and you... Yeah, as the band keeps playing and you occasionally go, You take my blood. I love this, Anthony. Hey, Anthony, very nice talking to you.

Thank you. It was absolutely It's been a pleasure. Thank you so much.

I salute you and Canada. Then you were going to say something nice about Sona. Thank you very much. Sorry to interrupt you. Say something nice about Sona. No, that's okay.

I was going to say Sona, thank you for googling me and then take it. Interrupt.

Okay. Interrupt. No, but say something nice about Matt, too, because he does a lot of work. This will be fine. Matt- Matt, interrupt. Matt, Matt, Matt. Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt Love you.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ofsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, nick Lyaouh, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineer Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. Has been a Team Coco production in association with EarWolf.