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[00:00:00]

An Apple original series, AC Richmond announced the hiring of their new manager, an American football coach, Ted Lazo. I know that Richmond can give you everything they got or. All right, I'll do here. Me success is about helping these fellows the best versions of themselves on and off the field. Your decision to bench Jamie was a masterstroke only they were allowed to talk like that. Working, working. Jason Sudeikis stars in Ted. Let's watch Ted LASO now on the Apple TV subscription required for Apple TV plus.

[00:00:35]

Hey, everybody, you are officially invited to see our free virtual stand up show hosted by our really good friend, comedian Moses Storm Moses is hilarious. One of my favorites, absolutely brilliant comedian Team Coco, Live Moses and Friends airs every other Thursday on Team Koko's Twitch, YouTube and Facebook Janell's. You can also watch the next day on Team Coco lives Instagram. Past guests have included Chris Read from Saturday Night Live, Joakim Booster from Search Party, Rachel Bloom from Crazy Ex-girlfriend and The Fantastic Geniza.

[00:01:08]

Greeno, follow Team Coco live on Instagram for announcements on upcoming shows and guests. You'll be happy you did. Hello, my name is Jameela Jamil, and I feel better about my hair for being Conan O'Brien's friend. Oh, my God, what a cruel blow. The bell, brand new shoes walking on the fence. Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien, needs a friend, third season of the podcast, this is my second take of the intro because on the first take, I just started making noises.

[00:02:04]

Yeah, I went in like a chipmunk. Yeah, I went well anyway. And then I just ran out of steam. I don't know what happened there. You guys giggled, but it could easily have been some sort of cerebral cerebral occlusion. If you do have really bad mental problems, we'll never know. I know that. And that's why we were giggling. Yeah.

[00:02:25]

People have often said to me, if you had some kind of terrible degenerative brain issue, we wouldn't know because it's going to back this up. Half the things I say are nonsense, none since absolute gibberish and I speak in gibberish. And so if, God forbid, something happened and and I got some kind of clot in my brain and started acting and speaking foolishly. Right. People would say, here's a check, more money, because that's what you'd be like.

[00:02:59]

I'd be making gestures. No, no, no. And to be going, ha ha hee hee hee. I would be worried if you started making sense. Yeah. I just assumed something like this happened years ago. Yeah. If you started making sense, I'd be like, we need to get him to a hospital immediately. OK, I just thought of a story. I don't know. I hope I haven't told this. That involves cerebral hemorrhage.

[00:03:19]

Oh OK. So let's, let's hear it. OK, Dad, tell us the one about cerebral hemorrhage. OK, gather round kids. Everyone gather round. You all have your Coko. OK, here we go. No, it's serious. This really happened when my son was a little kid. His school had a what's called a wax museum day where all the kids dress up as a certain historic figure. They have to pretend to be that figure.

[00:03:50]

And what happens is you go through like an exhibit and they put a little fake button next to each kid and the kid acts frozen. So the kids are frozen and different. And so my son, of course, wanted because he's such a technophile, wanted to be he want to be Steve Jobs. So he was holding a laptop and he had glasses on and a little black turtleneck and he was frozen. And if you went up and pushed his button, he'd go, Hello, my name is Steve Jobs.

[00:04:19]

I was born May 5th. Whatever. Nineteen fifty one. I pioneered the personal computer and he gave this whole speech and then he'd stop and freeze and you'd push the button again and he'd go, Hi, I'm Steve Jobs. So that's how it worked. So I was walking through and I was looking at some and then there was one that I stopped at. It was a guy, a kid who was frozen and he was wearing a suit and he standing up and I pushed the button and he said, look out, grenade, come in an explosion sound.

[00:04:48]

And then said, Hi, I'm Franklin Delano Roosevelt. And I was like, was anyone I was the whatever it was, I was the 30th president of the United States and I was in the Great Depression and everything know blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, preneed. And he goes, like, I saw the country through the Depression and then I saw through World War Two. And I was like, I guess that's what grenade's all about.

[00:05:13]

And he said, and eventually bringing us to victory in Europe. I died April 15th, nineteen forty five of a brain bleed. And then he froze again. And I'm like, what the fuck. And I pushed the button again and he went, Look out, grenade. Hi, I'm Franklin Delano Roosevelt. I was born in nineteen and I couldn't I was so entranced. Today he's standing, which Franklin Roosevelt could not do. Franklin Roosevelt throwing a grenade.

[00:05:48]

Why is Franklin Roosevelt. He led us in World War You, but you fight World War Two. What is you talking about? And I loved it. And so I stayed there and I just watched it for a while and parents would come up and they push the button, look out, grenade. Hi, I'm Franklin Delano Roosevelt. I grew up in Hyde Park, New York. I was the governor of Illinois. I died April of nineteen.

[00:06:13]

And he has this big smile on his face, leading the leading the US to victory. I died in April of nineteen forty five of a brain bleed. And then he went back into that frozen position and I thought, I'm never going to leave this place. Is this how old was he? They must've been really young. Ryan, I want to say he was seven weeks.

[00:06:37]

I don't know, seeing a seven year old saying I died of a brain, died in April of nineteen forty five, a brain bleed and then freezing. Going back to the throwing. And let me make it clear, Franklin Roosevelt is throwing the grenade he's in. Two, throwing a grenade, and he's also telling people, look out grenade, which you don't say to the enemy when you throw a grenade, you don't look out there and here comes the grenade and then tossed it and then say, by the way, I'll die in a year in April of a brain.

[00:07:12]

See, when I say I've got a story about a cerebral hemorrhage. I've got a story about a cerebral hemorrhage. Oh, I like that one. Well, anyway, we got a lot to talk about today. I'm very excited about our guests. Thrilled about our guest. I'll just say it. I may be in love with this woman, but that's OK. I will just keep that to myself. Well, you just said it. I just said it is true.

[00:07:40]

I said it out loud. And this is actually going out into the world, right? It is. Yeah. Yeah. And it's clear throughout the entire day. Yeah. You did not hide it well at all. I know you're not good at playing it cool, you know. And when when these guests showed up, I was holding flowers that I had bought for her. They had wilted and I was wearing a seersucker suit. That's too small grenade.

[00:08:05]

I Djamila, I love you and I'm going to die two years from now in Warm Springs, Georgia, of a brain bleed. Well, you all know who it is, but I adore this woman. My guest today played to Honey Iljimae for Four Seasons on the hit NBC series The Good Place, one of the better television shows to be crafted, I think, in the last decade. Now she hosts her own podcast, I Way, with new episodes available every Thursday.

[00:08:33]

I'm thrilled to talk with her today and in studio. I'm usually these are usually over Zun, but I am thrilled that she's able to be here in person.

[00:08:45]

Jameela Jamil, welcome. Now, let's explain to the people listening that my hair is out of control. I have not had it cut. It is out of control. And I have said I look like the bully on Karate Kid, but I've got a weird headband. I've got a lot of hair. I thought you'd have an injury. Well, I'm trying to pass it off as a headband. I was in a tricycle accident on the way over here.

[00:09:19]

Yeah, it does. You know, what I should do is I should get a white headband and I should put a big red stand on it and then I'll get all kinds of incredible attention from people. No, I went with headband a while ago because I thought it just gets the hair out of the way. If you're stuck without a mask, it can be a mask. It's a really bad luck. Your hair is spectacular. I've had the same haircut for thirty two years, so I'm a coward.

[00:09:42]

You know what I mean is easy. And also it's created a great global mystery around what is under my bangs. And I have obviously tell people that it's a little bit or a very big. Good Lord. Good. This is just where I wanted the conversation to go. Hi, how are you? I'm doing great. I told my mother she's never listen to the podcast. I said turning tune into this one. You said, OK. And so we're off to the races.

[00:10:12]

I adore you. I think you know that because I think we were at some someone took a picture of us at some event and I think I posted, oh, here, here I am with my TV crush. And it was you know, what's nice is that it was sanctioned by my wife. My wife was like, yes, that is someone you should have a crush on. And I sanctioned this crush. I then started asking other questions and she shut it down.

[00:10:35]

But my boyfriend is outside right now sanctioning my crush. You know, I want to say something else. I want to say something else. This is in all of covid throughout this whole crisis. I've been talking to people in the podcast through Zoome. You and I are in the same room. If we die, we die together. We die together. And I it's amazing. We're sitting, we're socially distant and I'm also emotionally distant. She is on my lap.

[00:11:06]

I thought this is what you wanted. I misunderstood. Yeah I we're in the same room. It's so nice to be in a room with you. I'm a big fan and I am very happy right now because I don't know about you. I'm just so missing human beings, especially delightful human beings. I'm feel like I'm in a crisis mode because I just I'm not with people. I'm with some people. But it's the same people every day and I can't take it anymore.

[00:11:35]

My family's got to go to family. I'm starting another one outside of my existing family. Amazing. Yeah. So and now this is the part where you say, oh, and it's it's great to be with you and all that stuff. I was paid to be here. Can I have my money now. It's it's how much how much do they have to pay you to get you in here. Twenty five thousand. It's got wow. You know, someone's coming in, they're bringing a suitcase of cash.

[00:12:08]

It looks like a drug deal is going down. No I, I love being here with you. But I have to say as a massive introvert, I have loved not seeing anyone else. I'm OK. If you're the only person I see this year, this is enough. That's my cup runneth over. So I'm good about that. Because you say you're an introvert. What are we talking about here? I mean, you you really dislike being around other people or does it make you uptight?

[00:12:33]

My best year of my life was when I broke my back and I stayed in bed completely by myself, didn't see another person and was on morphine, ice cream, watching television. Greatest year of my life. People are like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. It was the best year of my life. Still unmatched. Well, great, Ted Danson. But OK, we'll get to Ted Danson in a second. But morphine and ice cream, I'm told, is an insane combination, really fat and really thrilled and having an amazing time.

[00:12:58]

How did you break your back? I, I was running away from a bee that wasn't chasing me. So I just thought be the smartest thing to do would be to run into the road, to get away from it, which would make me much safer. And in fairness, I did not end up getting stung, but I did get hit by one car into another car. Oh, my God, I broke my back. And irony of ironies, the car was driven by another by another beat.

[00:13:21]

You know, it's so stupid. You just told me you are horribly injured by a car. I went I went for a joke and I said it was the best year of my life. Feel safe. It was the greatest but time ever. And it's where I got to discover, like, I really got into comedy. I really got into film and TV and music. I'll never forget that. But just no people around know people. And you liked it?

[00:13:46]

I loved it. So this year I've been training for this, so I didn't really have friends until I was like. Into my teens, I've been training for this my whole life is my Olympics. This is you are ready for this. You are ready to go. Let me ask you something about did this change your life and that you thought I'm going to die or did you not think that? Did you always know I'll be a teenager? I didn't think that.

[00:14:04]

I mean, to be honest, when it first happened, I got right back up and walked home because I had so much adrenaline that I thought I was fine. I was reassuring. I was worried about the driver, who's a very old man who was really fucking traumatized and it was totally my fault. And then I ran home and decided not to tell my mom and I it wasn't until I passed out randomly an hour later and then woke up unable to move, I realized something was wrong.

[00:14:26]

But I was so stoned that I really just didn't think it was that serious. Throughout my life. I loved it.

[00:14:32]

I was lying down. Who does want to lie down? Just this isn't what anyone wants to hear. But I don't know. But it's nice. I mean, again, a lot of this is the morphine talking, which I'm told is amazing. I've never had morphine. I'm told it's amazing. It's like being kissed by virgins on the inside of your veins, lured by virgins who are good kisses, which is very unusual thing I was going to say is it virgins are terrible kissers.

[00:15:00]

My porn stars. Yes. Well, they don't do a lot of kissing. Well, they're kissing. Yeah, OK. All right, let's let's stick with that. Yes. Of virgins who aren't kissing you on them. I mean, porn stars, blowjobs on the inside. You can be quite violent that I've seen a lot of porn. I mean I've watched my share. You mean you have shares and I have a lot of shares in pornography.

[00:15:26]

I have. I've invested very, very wisely and I've made a veritable fortune. And it's going to put my children to college. So it's all worth while. This is so I've never had that. What I did have once is I was I've made you go Arada every time.

[00:15:45]

I know. I know you always. But I like it. It's I am I'm I'm very titillated and humiliated at the same time. And I love the word titillated. I was mugged once and it was a bunch of guys around my age, but one of them hit me really hard in the face and shattered my nose. And I went to the hospital and they gave me I think it was like a mixture of cocaine and laudanum to like, just put me out.

[00:16:15]

It's the happiest I've been in my entire childhood. I just when doctors give you the good stuff, it's fantastic. And I don't use drugs. Yeah, I'm not like you. I'm not constantly you never I've never taken any hard drugs and I've never drank alcohol. Oh, OK. I was just putting that out there to see what I get. I think we have a lot of things in common. We haven't used drugs. We're both very tall and very attractive and we both grew up watching TV lying down.

[00:16:45]

You had an excuse. Your back was broken. Yeah, I stopped that before the car. I was the lazy. I was just too lazy to watch TV and pretended my back was broken. But it was amazing to me that I, you know, I got the experience at nineteen. I really think all children should be hit by a car just once because it just I have often thought the same thing. I really do. And if I were president, no, but I, I was able to gain this extraordinary level of perspective in my life, because once you lose the ability to even pest's by yourself, your value system completely shifts forever.

[00:17:23]

So it's been super handy in this incredibly vacuous, bizarre, competitive industry where everyone is always thinking about what they don't have rather than being grateful for what they do have. I mean, we're a whole generation that is obsessed with what we don't have been trained into that by commercialism and so. And the Internet. Yeah. And I've been happy to I've just always been happy to be able to piss by myself. That's always been the bar. It's never been the benchmark because never change.

[00:17:49]

So I'm always thrilled with everything. That's fantastic. What a wonderful low bar. No, but what a wonderful partner you would be. I mean, you're you just as long as you have access to your own bathroom. Yeah. And can piss by yourself, you're loving the partner you're with. That's fantastic. Having a great time. I'm a very simple, chilled human being. I just don't like people who aren't funny. And so that's why I prefer to be in my house on my own with two funny housemates, one of whom is someone I am in a relationship with God.

[00:18:23]

It will just give me a chance. Throughout this hour, I will convince you. Does your boyfriend be cool with me just hanging around the house? One hundred percent. But let me go further. I'm really hanging around a lot. Yeah, no, that's fine. He would be totally he's also another overly tall ginger. So this is he'll have a dad figure. Why did you do that. That was. We were. It was. Was so good then a dad figure, OK, that's great.

[00:18:53]

That's fantastic. Well, I would be a very I guess I must have had a bit a very inappropriately young age. I think it was fine. I don't know. No, I really think what I did when I was like eight is that the idea you had a very normal sort of 30s. Oh, OK. OK, well, we've established Djamila. Oh, no, no, no, no. It was not late. So basically I had to have I was pretty much impotent when I had a child bride.

[00:19:25]

I'm enraged now. I'm enraged. I'm enraged. I've been destroyed by you, someone I've put on a pedestal and you've destroyed me. There's nothing left. That's what pedestals are for that for kicking people down and we're tearing statues down. And I think you just tore down the Confederate Kannon statue and destroyed it. Yeah, it's gone now. There's so much that fascinates me about you. First thing is that you're you're fearlessly honest. And I do love that about you.

[00:19:55]

Do you ever scare yourself several times a day? That's right. Yeah. I think I am scarily honest, but I just grew up around a lot of very dishonest people and I grew up in England, which is just an inherently dishonest place because everyone's lying fundamentally just about being happy. Let's talk about that. Let's talk about that. People have said to me sometimes, oh, Conan, you should come over here and do some comedy over here.

[00:20:14]

And I'll think, oh, they'll just cheer the shit out of me. I've been I'm terrified of Londoners. They seem like they cushy mental pricks. Is that it? Is that is that what they are but not actually towards Americans? We love an American. We are just cruel to our own, especially if they find success. Well, that's the tall poppy syndrome syndrome. Yeah. So we're very, very strange about success, but we love a successful American.

[00:20:37]

We love a Julia Roberts, but we just don't want Hugh Grant to do very well. Does that make sense? Well, it all worked out, yeah. So. Well, that's Kripa. Sorry, you come on. You and I are very good friends. He's my flatmate. I have noticed that. I mean, it's true about the Irish to look at him over there with his success. Vikan thinks he's all of that in the bit, you know what I mean?

[00:21:01]

It's just like, well, where is that German? That was me doing Portuguese. You know, it's so funny. I'm an Irish guy who can't do an Irish accent to really do an Irish accent. I have to do a fake cartoon one two oh stars in craws. But the real the real one. I could never do that. It's really hurt me getting parts. But it is like, you know, we are fundamentally dishonest about how we feel.

[00:21:28]

Even our humility is fake. I've like a big, weird theory about why we're so humble, why we're so self-deprecating. Why, Colin, you ready? OK, so I think that there is a forced humility in the British because the British went out and tried to colonize the world. Essentially, I got sent packing right on their ass back to that tiny little isle. So for a while there, they thought they had these vast continents that they had ownership over and were told to fuck the fuck off.

[00:21:55]

And so I think the embarrassment, the mortification of having gone out there with such a big ambition and all the raping, all the pillage and the murdering. Right. To still be defeated and sent packing to now just live in this tiny little, tiny little while, I think means that they are trying to be self deprecating in advance of anyone making fun of them for their tremendous fuck up. OK, couple of things I want to say about that.

[00:22:17]

First of all, I think you might be on to something you're neglecting that it works for the British for a long period of time. Yeah. Now they managed to. But do you think that they were self deprecating back then? Because I just don't think you can be. So what do you do, go around raping everyone in all these Native Americans? Beat up. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Right, right. I think that they were bolshy motherfuckers.

[00:22:37]

Yes, yes. I think at the time. But now what you're talking about is they also lost their empire so fast. Yes, they're very embarrassed. And I think that's where that like instant display of self mortification comes from the failure. Now, here's my question then, because I brought up the Irish the Irish act a similar way. And we've never we didn't conquer anybody. The Irish the Irish can't keep very hung over. No, no.

[00:23:03]

I know it doesn't make sense. It doesn't make sense to me. We're very we're very self-deprecating, putting ourselves down, very mordant wit. And we never conquered the globe. We we barely got up out of bed and got outside, you know, and moved a potato around with one ho. I mean, I don't understand I don't know where that came from. That's the mystery. Me, I don't know. And I also don't know enough about the history of Ireland in particular.

[00:23:29]

I just know that the Brit, the British have a lot to be sorry and embarrassed about. So therefore, I think that's where that comes from. But yeah, growing up around that feeling of like, you can't tell people how you really feel. You can't tell people that you're sad. You have to, like, have a stiff upper lip. And also growing up around very manipulative, like compulsive liars. A lot of the time, you know, people within my.

[00:23:49]

School or people in my own household meant that I was just tired of the bullshit and I needed to just get the exact thought I have, which has been very much so to my detriment, sometimes publicly. But that's just that's how it is. I would rather be honest than swallow my feelings. And this also comes from an interesting place. Do you mind if I tell you the interesting place? I forbid it. It's not going so well. Also, when I was 26, I had a fucking terrible nervous breakdown.

[00:24:19]

I had very, very bad depression. And my depression wasn't like lying on a couch, crying, sad music. It was very like no high functioning depression. And so I didn't even know I had depression for so long because the representation in Hollywood is that you visibly looked like you're falling apart, whereas I just didn't feel anything right. I didn't feel anything at all. And part of that because I was being dishonest with myself. So in lying about how I felt, I wasn't just lying to other people, I was lying to myself that I could cope.

[00:24:45]

And I think that that detachment from me is what caused my depression. And so I think part of like getting out of that nervous breakdown and that meltdown was for me to just be like, I can't hold anything in anymore. I have to.

[00:24:58]

That's what happened, because you didn't have a moment of basically became too unbearable. And that's when it you said, OK, screw it, I'm just going to call things as they are for the rest of my life. It wasn't you went into a certain kind of therapy and had a breakthrough. No, I mean, I did have therapy a couple of years after that. But no, it was truly a breakdown of just realizing why I'm so unhappy while I feel lonely even with myself.

[00:25:21]

And it was because I wasn't a truth teller. I was just a fucking I was insincere. I was the the the clown, you know, I, I was it I had to be the life and soul of the party and the entertainer. And I always came with, like, stupid fucking anecdotes. And I didn't tell anyone who I really was. And I think now, warts and all, I've just decided to make it my journey and my my entire goal to show the world exactly who I am and risk not being accepted, but at least be fundamentally honest to myself, right and true to myself.

[00:25:51]

And I also think young people need that. We've grown up with so many people who are just not at all transparent. They don't tell the truth about anything, about how they look the way they do, about what's really going on in their head, about how they've achieved success. And so I think you have to show people the dark side of what you're like with this. They're comparing themselves to us. And I think that there's something wrong with them because we seem to be just high functioning and perfect and effortless all the time.

[00:26:14]

Well, I've made it a life's mission to let any fan of mine know I am not high functioning and that I think that's why I love you so much. I've loved you for such a long time, even from the UK. Being able to watch your show on the Internet is because it felt like you were one of few people who felt like that there was some honesty. Well, that's nice. It's yet another thing that we have in common in addition to our height and stunning looks.

[00:26:41]

And I'm going to just keep hitting that again and again and again so it becomes true. Fake it till you make it credible, credible sexual prowess. But anyway, I don't think either of us are actually known for that. I'm what I'm trying to get out there. And it's, you know, don't be fooled, ladies, OK? This guy's an animal anyway, because that's just lemur. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't say tiger.

[00:27:10]

I am an old I'm a very old lemur sleeping in a tree and I've been injured. I've been injured in a brush fire and I may not make it. I'm a lemur. And the sheets ladies, I don't think you should be allowed to be called an adult until you're thirty. I think eighteen is preposterous to be called an adult because you don't know fuck all about Chettle until you are about thirty. You only start to figure out who you actually are right around then, because until your childhood trauma hasn't even surfaced until your late 20s, you don't even know where or your isms and idiosyncracies come from yet.

[00:27:49]

And they all start to catch up with all of us just before we enter into what I think is actual adulthood. So I'm really only just starting to figure this stuff out. And I really passionately I think I'm going to say, hey, wait, I'm going with hate. I hate people who complain about getting older. I hate people who go like, oh, we don't want to say how old I am on my birthday. Right. You're so fucking lucky.

[00:28:09]

And I think, again, that comes from the car accident of realizing that I could have lost my life at nineteen. Yes. I got to do a lot of basically medical heroin and it was great, but it could have been really bad and I could have had no heroin and just been dead. And then I would never have got to meet you, which would have been a tragedy. Yes, I am the I am like a comedic morphine, if you will.

[00:28:31]

But, you know, I'm so lucky to have lived, so lucky to survive. So many people die so young. And if ever there was a fucking year where you realize how lucky you are to have your life, it's this year. We have to stop this bullshit. Women have to stop trying to look younger. Men have to stop expecting women to look young forever. It's fucking. Depuis, I'd like I just think generally we need to develop some gratitude because life is infinitely better for me moving aside than it was as a teenager.

[00:28:58]

I was so confused and also we're so ill prepared for life when we schools fail us so much. It's so insane that I knew more about igneous rock than I knew about sexual consent or about depression or anxiety or how the world actually works. What's bullshit about the media? I was left like open to being completely blindsided by the world because parents of all generations didn't talk to us about anything and didn't know, yeah, it was, you know, taboo.

[00:29:24]

And I think that we came from generations in particular and probably still exists where you think that the ignorance and innocence have to be mutually exclusive, whereas actually I think it's the opposite. I think you can maintain someone's innocence for longer if you arm them with the information that will help them have the autonomy to avoid the things, the disasters that are going to leave them traumatized for decades. That makes sense. Yes, it does. And in my family, if people if we were watching a movie and two people held hands, everyone would turn away from the screen and pretend that they could look through the Wall X-ray vision.

[00:29:59]

Are you OK watching sex scenes? No, I can't bear it even on my own. I can't I can't do it. I can't bear I've never seen Fifty Shades. And if I hear that there's a sex scene in a film, I can't I can't cope at all. I feel so intrusive. I think you and I should get over this together. And your boyfriend, I want him there, but I think the three of us should watch Fifty Shades together.

[00:30:18]

Can you imagine? Yeah, we would all we should film us. We should decide. The camera should just be on us watching and I'm going to be wearing a robe. I'm just saying, OK, and in honor of your of your boyfriend is going to say, Dad Bonnett.

[00:30:42]

Let's face it, we can't always be with our peeps right now, right? Donna, what are you even paying attention? If you weren't you were looking the other way. You were like a cat looking looking at a dryer here, you said yes, OK. Boy, there's so many things I could do right now, but I won't know. All he said was people want to be with their peeps. You want to be with other people who are part of the squad.

[00:31:05]

Peeps time. Yeah, exactly. Well, Miller time. It's hard to have Miller time right now. Or is it. Is it. No, it isn't. Why not? See, I tricked you. It's not. It's a good time for Miller time. You can do it on Zoome. You know, you can have a quick beer with your neighbors and chums with a socially distant hang. You can with your toasting to friends near for great taste is always close by.

[00:31:31]

You know why? Why great taste is Miller. And if Miller is something you have, that great taste is nearby. OK, I think all of the classic logic. Yeah. Right now enjoying a meal with friends looks different to everyone. OK, fine, but it's still important to stay connected and you want to drink with other people. I do. When I drink alone people get worried about me.

[00:31:53]

You know, if you're stuck at home, you know, with a roommate or partner or, you know, you want to get out and have more time, you get your friends on the. I didn't have no idea what. I didn't read this ahead of time. And it's a very it's very tortured logic. I mean, I'll just read the overview. But some people are stuck in a house with their roommates and partners while others are back home with their families.

[00:32:17]

Some keep their interaction strictly digital, while others have embraced hangouts outdoors at a safe distance from online happy hours to socially distance picnics. Every 500 piece puzzle in between. We're enjoying new ways of spending time with their friends. That's so many words that don't say what I could say. Much more simply, I know, but Miller Time said it. Miller time can happen over Zoome or is socially distanced. You can toast someone who's more than six feet away and still enjoy your miller.

[00:32:44]

How about that? Why can't they just write that? What was all that stuff they wrote? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. That's how I stay connected with my chums. Yeah. My pal Eric. Right? Yeah. Well, my friend Greg Daniels, I'm calling them all the time on Zuman saying, hey, let's crack some Millar's and let's all talk. Yeah. You got some booze and talk about the old days. We call them brewskies and yes, we do talk about the old days.

[00:33:08]

So that's a good time for me. Miller time. Were you you like Miller time too? I love Miller time. I love it so much. Oh, my God. It's okay. Brewskis with the boys, Greg Daniels and Eric Wright. Don't forget Reitman's in their right mind, my boy Rodman. Man, when you guys when you get us together and we start cracking those millers crack, crack, crack and we start talking about butterfly click.

[00:33:31]

Yes. Like great taste. Only ninety six calories and three point two carbs you and your friends are enjoying you and your friends read ahead and they have this crazy logic. However, you and your friends are enjoying more time this summer. You can have the original white beer delivery by going to Miller Lite dot com forward slash koenen find the delivery options near you. I said delivery delivery options near you. We are celebrate responsibly. I got to get that word out.

[00:33:59]

Celebrate responsibly, but make sure that you get your Miller Lite forwarded to you via the Internet. Miller Brewing Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, because you need to know where it's from. Ninety six calories and three point two carbs for 12 ounces. I promise. I'll read the copy ahead of time next time. You have acted I'm not an actor, I'm always myself when I when I see a sex scene, I'm not just embarrassed for myself. I'm often embarrassed for the actors because I'm thinking they become so graphic and and and so literally, there's a guy saying, OK, this is where you're giving her anal.

[00:34:38]

And it's these two adults who have to pretend that this thing is happening. And it feels like such a humiliating way to earn a living. Sex in itself is so stupid, thrusting like, what are we doing? We've never done what is disgusting. What's thrusting just the entrance. Oh, I don't I once I'm in, I stay very still one push. And then what I do is I slowly and this is very graphic. I hope no one hears this.

[00:35:01]

I go in very slowly. Often they don't know I'm in. Then I tell them usually with a note I have a handwritten note that I hand them that says I am now. And then I move as little as possible and I just try and stay there as long as I can. Cool. Well, I don't know about everyone else, but I'm aroused. Yes, yes. I'm told as I said, they they call me the lemur. I like to crawl into a small space and I like to curl up and just be there.

[00:35:30]

Yeah, I'm told it's a very erotic experience. I've been told that by all three of the women I've had sex with in my life. And they all said that was shockingly and what a lot of them were appreciative. They said, you know, I've had these crazy wild rides and sex and they wow, I could I could just barely focus the next day at work. They often did good work on their laptops while I was with them and in full, full action.

[00:36:01]

I'm not amazing in bed either, but I've got big boobs. So what's that? What does that mean? You don't have to be reviewed. I've had I've had three separate lovers and this is out of five five love as ever. I'm writing this down. I've loved it ever. I've maybe six, five, five and a half, five and a half with that guy. Let's not get into that, OK? But let's feel sorry for him.

[00:36:29]

But when you said five and a half, I thought I didn't realize we had dated a quarter of them. So I, uh, yeah, I, I've been told by three separate men that making love to me and they met this I think is a compliment. Felt like having sex with memory foam mattress, a memory foam, which means that you would absorb the control of their body to any shape you shift to any shape. That's a compliment.

[00:36:57]

You know, it's not just about being bendy, that it's also that I have no muscles anywhere in my body other than my heart. So I am really like built like a human marshmallow with nipples. So but the other thing is you do provide great lower back, lower back some great lumbar support. Yeah. And when sex was over, they felt well rested. I'm a comfortable shag, but I'm not an athlete in the sheets. Right. I can't like I can give you three pumps of us Chalco and then I'm out.

[00:37:25]

That's OK. So I tap out real early. I think anyone listening knows that you were being honest, but I was being self-deprecating, as you say, the Irish way. I'm a master, I'm a sexual master. Did open my water bottle for me very fast. You mean do you have a massive cock? Thank you. I didn't use my hands to open it.

[00:37:47]

I am a sexual athlete. I've been described in Sports Illustrated. Actually, I was on the cover. I know one's gone buying this. I'm just going to walk away from it, literally walk away from it and move on. Yes. I think that the fact that you and I are comfortable talking about this meaning and when I say that, I mean you're comfortable talking about it means that we are putting other people at ease because there are a lot of people let's say I was kidding around a lot, but you are a stunningly attractive woman.

[00:38:20]

And so there would be all these expectations that I would make sure the women of any age would put would project onto you that you're saying is doesn't match reality. No. And it's not even like because I've been unattractive more of my life, as in like societally deemed unattractive more of my life than I have been deemed attractive. So I'm not even shocking like a lazy girl who's just always had it come to me, you know, like my first case was twenty one, my first job was twenty two.

[00:38:44]

Didn't have my first orgasm till I was twenty three. Like I am a slow learner who is not already chosen to make up for lost time. I'm just sort of, I'm just chillin, you know, just not learning much, not overexerting myself. It's more of a just a not an athlete, not an athletic guy, just bendy, soft, very soft, too soft it would appear cool. Yeah. But I'm just thinking, I'm thinking about things that I guess the question is maybe I want to let this go.

[00:39:16]

You said I don't have to be good at sex. I have big. Breasts. What does that mean? It was just a joke of like someone so distracted by it, but it's true. It's like dangling keys in front of a cat. They just look at not that thing. But, you know, I mean, like, you know, I didn't mean your breasts were like I don't I mean, I don't think we can start to say, oh, that's fine.

[00:39:36]

Just lovely. But but the point is, is that I've just like it's they are a distraction tactic. And mostly if I can just stay silent, I think that's enough for other people because it's my trying to insert comedy right into the bedroom that goes down very badly. It just it doesn't go down well. No, no. I had a boyfriend who once accidentally stuck it in the wrong hole for a brief second, and I my exact words were within a millisecond of that happening was unexpected item in banking area, which was the angriest I've ever seen.

[00:40:12]

Someone look with me for trying to tell us. He was like, I'm really thrilled you decided to start your standup career while inside you. But that was just like a you know, most girls just wiggle and shift the wiggle and a giggle and shift. But I had to turn into a supermarket. I think that's that's a very funny line to come up with under duress, under extreme duress. I'm not sure that I would come up with a good joke in that situation.

[00:40:38]

It's just that that's like so mostly it's just been like being asked to be quiet and then people are normally thrilled. Sign, right. You just want a comfortable shake it just like some people just don't want the washing, the washboard abs and the like, you know. So I am so glad you said that. Yeah. I'm so glad you said I don't like it. I've never I've never wanted to have sex with someone very skinny. No disrespect to them.

[00:41:01]

But like I like I like a cushion for all the pushing. Yeah. No they're going to do because I'm tired I, I was really upset when I was in my twenties and and women started talking about, oh I like that guy, he's got such a great ass. And I was like, we have to have asses, we have to, we need to ask this because I have nothing this there's nothing there. I don't know. I'm the same.

[00:41:26]

Pray for the beltless. So no, why don't you just start a hashtag. Yeah. No, know it's and I was visibly upset and I was saying to my women friends, I didn't realize that, you know, I thought we had to have like wide shoulders and it was good that I was tall. And of course, other parts are important, but no one had ever mentioned that that had never been on the list. And suddenly I'm being told by women, oh, no, that's something we think about.

[00:41:54]

And we look at guys asses and we we must be so awful to feel like you're being objective. Yes. Yes. That's the point I'm trying to make, is men and men to the exclusion of any other gender, in my opinion, have been put in this ridiculous position of being objectified. Is that am I going what am I doing? What I campaigned for all the time. It's just men's rights. I knew that you and I would see eye to eye on this.

[00:42:20]

My way is about my it's just about a man's right to be. But I think that I'm tired of it. I'm tired of living up to this standard. You should be. It's been too much tailgated constantly online. It's too much. And it's gone on for too long. Yeah. And it's got to stop now. Very sexist leave. It's just specifically women have just been letting go two thousand years now. Talk about it by way, because it's it is fascinating what you're doing and I love what you're doing.

[00:42:49]

But but let's talk about it. Let's talk about AI Weiwei. OK, so AI Weiwei is a kind of online movement that I started that is just a movement against shame. It's a mental health movement. And we focus on every different type of marginalized group. So just all of the shame and the mental health issues that they may carry because they've been otherwise by society. So it started because I saw a picture of the Kardashians and they had numbers written across their body.

[00:43:14]

And so I clicked on that picture because I wanted to know if it was how much money they had. So I was curious. And it wasn't it wasn't how many awards they've won or how much money they have. It was their fucking weight. Once I clicked on that, because the algorithms of Instagram, suddenly more and more pictures and more only women were coming up with their weight written across their bodies. And so I tried really hard to find pictures of men, famous men or businessmen.

[00:43:36]

And I couldn't find anything. And it hit me that God in twenty eighteen I had someone who had an eating disorder as a child. Twenty years later, we still don't care about what men look like and how much they weigh. Anywhere near as much as we obsess over those numbers with women, we estimate a woman's entire value and worth by the numbers on the scale. I just felt crazy to me. So I posted in a moment of rage and possibly some PMS that I it was I had to PMS very angry and I did well.

[00:44:06]

I weigh my financial independence and my activism and my relationship and my friendships and the eating disorder. I survived. I wear the some of my motherfucking cards right. And it just resonated with people at a very small following, but it went completely viral. I received ten thousand responses from women sending me what they weigh in all their attributes and contributions to society, started an Instagram account, thought it would be a very short phase. And two and a half years later, I have one point three million followers on Instagram on this way account.

[00:44:34]

We are a movement that are changing bills in the United States. We changed a global policy across all social media and we have a podcast and a YouTube channel. And we are like a learning space for people about different groups. But we're also just somewhere where you can come to feel represented and feel OK about the fact that you're not OK. Yeah, I have.

[00:44:54]

First of all, I'm indebted to you because I have children. They're teenagers. I have a four year old son. I also have a 16 year old daughter. So I see what she's exposed to. And I see and also what he is exposed to. Right. What he's exposed to having a father who he thinks is an idiot. I know both of them, but I. I have told them. I said, I think you're growing up in a more perilous environment.

[00:45:24]

And I grew up in and it's switching it because most parents love to tell their children, when I was your age, we didn't have cable TV. We didn't have we didn't go didn't get to take the kind of trips you guys got. And we don't do that. Yeah, I say to them, I'm looking at what you're dealing with. And I find it much more perilous and intimidating than anything I had to deal with. So how can we help?

[00:45:48]

Well, we had to pay for our apparel when we were younger. That was much harder to access to by the fashion magazines that would fuck me up and make me think I was fat and ugly. Whereas they, you know, they would they it finds them. It hunts them. It's like the John Krasinski film with Emily Blunt like. Yes, it hunts you down in the night. Right. So they've got no way of escaping it and they're just being so fucking warped.

[00:46:09]

And I guess that's why it's so important for me and people like me to do the work that we do just to educate kids or we're trying to do well. We can't change anything. We can't cancel anyone. We can't cancel anything, but we can educate you. And I think that we've entered this real, really odd moment of moral superiority where people make people feel dumb for trying to learn and not arriving already fully informed about everything. And I think that's fucking stupid and also devalues progress.

[00:46:33]

What is the point of activism if you're not open to the idea that people fucking change? And so I started this whole platform as a chance to educate myself because I I'm really ignorant. I left school at the car accident and so therefore I never went back. I'm super uneducated, ignorant, not very well read, nowhere near as much as I would like to be and should be at my age. And I want I don't think there's anything embarrassing about trying and learning from.

[00:46:57]

So I've created the space that other people can try and learn with me. And it's OK if you're stupid because so am I and let's be less stupid together. I think what you're talking about is this fear, this dreadful fear of one has is no one wants to be caught in an imperfect moment because there's such a chance these days of getting shamed were the products of our fucking environment. So I think that that's also really important to take into account.

[00:47:20]

Both sides need to need to shift. And I wasn't just talking about race. I'm talking about when it comes to trans issues or feminism or anything, disability rights, we have to become less we have to become more comfortable with fucking up. But also when people make an innocent mistake, a clearly innocent mistake and don't have a record of harmful behavior, we need to start giving people the benefit of the doubt because we're stopping people from putting their hands up and asking the important questions.

[00:47:43]

And I'm not talking about adults. I'm talking about the kids, the ones that we can most easily influenced to be progressive. They are watching adults tear each other apart and they are ingesting this and thinking, oh, shit, it's better to say nothing than to expose a hint of ignorance. Otherwise, people shame you as if you are. It's like we can't separate ignorance from evil. There is a difference and we have to learn how to separate the two so we can understand that we don't also lump everyone together as harmful when some of those people have great potential to be allies, but therefore they're not actually harmful.

[00:48:11]

People get to hide in a mass group. We need to learn how to separate those people off so we can find them and kill them. No, it really go well. Hunt them, make sure that hunt them and kill them, that they are safe to be around. They want to you want them running for a while before they're killed. You know, talking to you about all of this and I've been aware of how outspoken you've been only makes me more impressed with the performance you turned in as Tahani because you were playing someone that initially you might loathe.

[00:48:41]

You don't know who did. You did loads and you actually made her much less likeable than she was originally written. Yeah, because I think that the British think that the English are very charming and we're not we're utterly charmless, which is posh. I think that we've been given too easy a ride over the United States. And so I think that it was important for in order to make her like us, as funny and as frustrating as she could be to give her as many dimensions as possible so she doesn't become the hot one on the show.

[00:49:10]

That was my fear, because that's a too much pressure for me to live up to it. But also just and that's not what my show is planning. But it would just she felt so polished and I. Wanted it to be truly English, I want a true representation of how passive aggressive and insincere and ridiculous we can be and I love the English, but this is who we are. I love us for all of our faults. Yeah. And also what's cool about my show is the fact that he's not an egomaniac.

[00:49:34]

The fact that he was always like, OK, you do your take and then we'll do mine and then I'll figure out in the edit. And so I didn't know until season one came out that he shaped the character as I had wanted. He just edited and he used my takes, my choices. And I just thought that was very cool. I'm so spoiled for working with Mike. So make sure anyone who doesn't know the the creative mind, the showrunner for the good place and and the office and parks in the office and Parks and Recreation.

[00:50:02]

But he has a reputation in the business. This is behind the scenes stuff. But he has the most stellar reputation as a showrunner of anybody. Everyone says he's not just incredibly gifted, but he's a very kind boss and he cares about the people that that work for him. And he doesn't want them. They have families to go home to late. That's everyone wants to work with him because he has that reputation and he has a no asshole policy, which doesn't mean you have to sell your ass hole up before you start working with him.

[00:50:31]

Just see, that's what I misunderstood when I lied is I actually I used to call like a eunuch. Yeah, but he gives you it's a one strike rule of bad behavior. So that's it. That's no, that's you're right. You treat anyone like shit, you're out. It doesn't matter how high or low down the ladder you are, you're out. And you know that from the very first thing he ever says to you before I welcome you onto the show is that I have two policies.

[00:50:56]

Number one, the best joke wins. And number two, I have a no alcohol policy. So that is that is that was great because it cultivated an atmosphere when nobody was a diva. And I have been a show runner and I'm betraying my age now for twenty. I've been running a late night show for twenty seven years and I am the shooter. The late night God. Yes. It's a it's it's a spinoff from the podcast, the podcast I've been doing for thirty five years.

[00:51:22]

And then a couple of years I did, I did it when we first did them they were on television and then you would just stand. It was basically just a speech, it was a microphone and part of the face leaning in. But I've been running a show for a very long time and my policy has always been, you do as I say, and I am an insane Roman emperor and and I'm given seventy five thousand chances to be absolutely reprehensible.

[00:51:53]

Asshole. Anyone who ever watches you, we definitely get you all. We'll see. Alpha. Oh, yes, Alpha. Thank you. Alpha eight through the hopefully too much testosterone. You think it's always been the issue for me as a show runner. I like preying on people's worst fears. Right. So what do you think? Oh yeah, absolutely. He rules with an iron fist. It's terrifying. She's crying. Yeah. I'm so scared of him.

[00:52:17]

Yeah. I just want to make it on a pain while she's listening to you heard about this. What is it? My fucking thing I've ever heard of. A bunch of very big fancy celebrities have gone and bought themselves pain meds so they can sort of feel pain and pain that I'm imagining. Like pins. Like pins that you lie on. Yeah. You stay on weight so that they can know what it's like to think so. Like externalise that in artist pain.

[00:52:46]

And this is me just being like famous people can't be in pain. They can. And often, in fact, they get into this industry normally because they're in pain. But I've not heard about the pain that the pain, that bunch of fancy hippy celebs just sitting on a pavement while other people live a pain. My whole life is just one big pain, right. Other people are going to break in Calabasas. So basically we're live in a country where a lot of people are being are not going to get six hundred dollars payments from the government and other people living on a six hundred dollar pain map.

[00:53:19]

Yes, exactly. They paid six hundred for the privilege of trying to understand what pain is. Yeah, I've got to get one, but I want mine to be a really good one. I don't want to shit one. I want the really good one to one. I want to shout insults. I want to I want to do that thing where you look on Amazon and you're like, no, I don't want to see the cheapest, show me the most expensive.

[00:53:42]

I would go to the most expensive. And you know who makes it? I'm sure it's made in Sweden or it's musk. You could make the best the ultimate pain. Matt, sorry. I don't know how I took you here. No, I know, but I'm thinking about getting one. Don't get me a pain, Matt. Are you looking up pain? I am, actually. I saw I get an expensive version of what you're said.

[00:53:59]

I want the very best one. I'm looking at one. That's seventeen hundred dollars. No, no, no. Is it is this a real thing? I'm joking. So what would you talk to me about it. What is it. Tell us. Well some of them are like for acupressure and stuff, but I bet there's like a hit in Celebrity Connect that does the, does the really intense stuff. And that's probably really expensive, what a bunch of cunts.

[00:54:21]

Yes, I know what I'm going to talk to you about your language. I've let it go. You've had so many folks on this show and you have so many shits and you don't give a fuck about shiting. You don't give a shit about fucking. And now you know how we communicate. No, no, no. That is no excuse here. As I've said many times, this is a podcast primarily for children. It's by children, for children.

[00:54:44]

And I don't appreciate what you're doing. You're taking us down a very bad road. I don't give a shit about you telling me to fuck off. This sounds great in my accent. Fuck you. You know, work. I can't do it. I can't do it. I just can't do it. Let's say I do come over and I'm with you and your boyfriend. So let's just follow this scenario. So we're in our ropes. Well, I'm just hanging out and better not be hanging out of your rope.

[00:55:13]

No, no, trust me, that can't happen any more. There's been an accident. But my my point is, if I'm hanging around with you guys, what are you doing for fun? What do you like to do just around the house? Do you what's what's your what's your place of joy? You guys just watch TV together, snacking and TV. It's truly just the food and comedy combination for us is enough. We're very low key people.

[00:55:36]

And also, you know, we've indulged in an immense amount of privilege and the fact that we've been touring artists our whole life. Right. We've seen so many things in the world. We've done all of these, gone to all the places, gone to the fancy parties that you're supposed to enjoy. But they're fucking horrible and the people are terrible and you're wearing something. And there was never any advice. I was not invited. That was so embarrassing when you said we've all been to the parties with the beautiful people and and it's boring, right?

[00:56:00]

I can't help you there. I've been to a few parties where there were some major celebrities, but I've been to shockingly few. Shockingly few. Yeah. And so, you know, like, we've kind of had a really amazing and diverse opportunity to find out what we like. And really what we like is the same shape that we like when we were twelve, which is just comedy and chocolate. Yeah. And so we just watch Stand Up or comedies together series together, very low key couple who really just spend our lives on airplanes.

[00:56:26]

And I just so thrilled to be at home with each other right now. So that's it's very dull. It's you. It's me and my horny ginger dog and my other horny ginger dog. Koenen, my boyfriend. Right. You had only Ginger. Well, that's what your boyfriend is, a redhead. Yeah. Ginger, as you say. And it's interesting. Each redhead is interesting. Yeah. That one time.

[00:56:50]

Well, everyone knows that we are the most like a comet Haleys Ball and I you were drawn to him because you know that peeves about oh my God she's saying so it's true. Every day in the shower I look down and it looks like there's a fire. A fire has broken out. The fire looks like a fire around a sort of a move on. Conan, I'm sorry, a fire broke out around an igloo. There's been some malformation. We're not going to talk about that.

[00:57:24]

This is it's really it's really lovely talking to you. It's my favorite time ever on a podcast. So comfortable and relaxed. Well, I'll come to relax. Please, please. Just no more swearing. I can't handle it. Too relaxed. Yes or no? Yes. That's a resounding yes. Colin, you're also from across the pond, are you not? Is there a way that Colin can speak to us? You have a microphone there, don't you?

[00:57:46]

Yes. Colin, I just want your perspective. Were you from Colin Manchester. Manchester? Yes, that's right. Did you agree with what George Miller has said about does it ring true to you about the English, the tall poppy syndrome? For sure. I'm not as experienced with our colonial history, but yeah, tall poppy syndrome. Absolutely. Everyone hates to see someone succeed. So do you hate Djamila right now because she's done so well now?

[00:58:12]

Because we've risen together. He's my pretty's right. He's you know, he's your producer. But you've written you've really risen and there must be some hatred within you. If you're if you're a proud Englishman right now, there must be some I this should. But there isn't because Djamila just sort of turned up in L.A. and was like, we'll be friends. And so we were. And so it's difficult to resent that success. Well, that's no fun.

[00:58:34]

I put something aside by now and that I could recenter. Do you guys ever go to a pub together and get a pint? What do you do? Do you ever do anything? God, where would we even do that here? We're talking about they have fake pubs all over the place. You're down in Santa Monica. Very distressing. I hate the fake pubs in English people. Let's just break bread. We break bread. That's fast. We talked a big talk, got sent home is down.

[00:58:58]

You had worked for so long. They worked for so long. It's about the general. And then it all went away and like, oh yes, God, that's how you finish. Who the hell was that? I don't know. You just did it. How you go. It's like, oh my God, you're just became Martha. Ray, I don't know who are you? Yeah, and she's dead. Oh, she's she's doing a dance.

[00:59:23]

She's flailing her arms around, just a fan. I didn't know that that person was in there. Yes, it's a lot about me. You know, you should talk in a very profane sexual way as that woman. That would be the way to go. You know, that that character should then start to morph that way. I'm telling you, that's the future for that character, right? Absolutely. A treat and talking to you and I look forward to hanging out at your house with God.

[00:59:50]

It's not finishing on the song, is it? Oh, God. Thank you so much for being so honest and so funny. I appreciate the language a little bit, but I do adore I really do adore you. And I think you're doing something very special. And as the father of a 16 year old girl, I am very happy that you're doing this work. I really am very appreciative. So thank you. And she adores you. She's my kids.

[01:00:14]

Absolutely love the good place. So I get points for just knowing you. It's one of those things where they don't respect me. But when I can go home and say, I saw Jamil Jamal today there, I'm suddenly cool for about six seconds with the note of cool. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you so much. Load's enough. It's hard for people to know because this is a podcast, but I have developed a radically different look in the last couple of weeks because we haven't had a haircut since quarantine started.

[01:00:52]

And I look really different now. I mean, the old Conan pompadour. Yeah, it's this is an engineering thing. But when it gets the pompadour can only hold so much weight. Yeah. You can use various products to keep the pompadour going for a while to get that really the Conan shelf, the pump, the proof, whatever you want to call it. But what's happened is about three weeks ago I had the pompadour was crazy long and I'd piled the hair up and it was just insane looking.

[01:01:21]

Right. It looked like I had a baguette. Yeah. Had. And then I remember very clearly it was late in the afternoon and I heard a creaking sound and the pompadour collapsed. Oh no. Collapsed and little workmen that were working on it were killed. How it stays. Yeah. Yeah. They're little workmen in there. And I heard creaking and then screams and we tried to retrieve whoever was in there. Oh no. But they were all gone and we lost all souls, men and the and the pompadour collapsed and crashed, came crashing down.

[01:01:51]

And of course we taped it off and we looked at it and then I realized, I can't do this anymore. Screw it. So I went out and I got a headband now and walk around with this big crazy headband. And it's kind of like an 80s band member, Mark Geller or Bruce Springsteen. To that certain era. I have no I'm a guy that wears a big headband, that covers my whole forehead and shoves my hair up above me.

[01:02:17]

And then is it terrycloth? It's made of actually a it's a company called Buff Bufe. We're not getting any money for this. This is just a shout out to the good people. Buff. They're they're pretty inexpensive, but they're also a mask, too, because you wear them around your neck. So I've got one around my neck. Yeah. And I've got one around my head and it pulls up and it makes a mask. And I'm this different guy.

[01:02:39]

I look kind of like, what do you think, a ninja. I was going to say the villain from The Karate Kid. What was his name. Oh yeah. Really he Johnny. Danny, look it up. It was I think it was Johnny. Sweep the leg. Johnny Yes. We believe he's he's an incredible bully. Yeah. He's the bully because he had also a lot of, like, hair coming out from a headband that he wore.

[01:03:04]

And and that's what I'm yeah. He had a headband. And he also you probably are thinking of him because he was incredibly cruel. Heartless. Yeah. And he had a mean I mean, twisted up face all the time. He was always just he and his friends always just wanted to chase Ralph Macchio. When Ralph Monchaux was on his bike, they made him crash off a hill, remember? And then he was like, yeah, we mean we showed you.

[01:03:29]

Who does that? I do that when I'm wearing a headband, wearing a headband, I become the villain from Karate Kid. And you shove people in the street. Yeah. And I'm constantly I'm constantly wanting to threaten other people. I go into dojos where I don't even belong, and then I and I don't do any karate and I just go in there and I wear my headband. And I started mocking other people and trying to hurt their feelings or make them feel inadequate.

[01:03:58]

And a lot of times the guy, the dojo master sensei, if you will, I says, who are you? You look like you're Conan O'Brien. But he would never come in here and your hair's too long. But you look really you're seem mean. And Dicky, you should probably go. You don't even seem like you fight and be like, I don't fight. I don't fight at all. But I'm now that I'm wearing this headband, I am the mean kid from Karate Kid.

[01:04:20]

I'm sure someone's looked up his name. What's his name? Johnny Lawrence. That's it. Didn't he come back to me, bring that show back? Yeah. And actually, speaking of hair, I went to get my hair cut a couple of years ago and he goes to the same place I get my haircut and he was getting his hair caught up in nicer. He was nice. He's a nice guy. So nice. I've heard. Yeah, I've heard across so convincing.

[01:04:39]

It being a dick, he must be trying to undo that reputation. Yeah. He spent his whole life since Karate Kid going out of his way to say, let me get that door for you. And you were like, you're still a prick. You made Ralph Macchio crash on his bike. You're going to sweep my knee. Yeah. Oh. Played by William Zebco, covers up Gus Sabga, OK, played by William Zamka. It was in the chat.

[01:05:01]

Oh, I just sent that. And he still just as good looking back. He is. Yeah. Some guys, some guys like us. Stone Age. You know what it is? It's the headband. The headband pulls the skin tight. What I have noticed is that instead of, you know, people in my business have to think about, you know, at some point, do we have some surgical procedure? Do we not? And I'm made of cheap Irish stock.

[01:05:22]

So we just know we just rock. We just like pumpkins. And I've decided that this headband, which I'm wearing because my hair's too long, it literally is in my eyes now. So I'm wearing this headband and I'm liking it because one of the side effects is it's. My skin tight and I look good, though, I look and it does look good, but I will say rather than like dire straits, you look more like you're in a flock of seagulls.

[01:05:49]

Yes, yes. Flock is flock of seagulls. I've had a few people say Flock of seagulls, and I'm sticking with it now. Let's be honest. I could get a haircut at this point. I could. Yeah. Yeah, I could. I could get a haircut there. Plenty of people would be would be willing to cut my hair and meet me in a field somewhere. And we could both be wearing respirators and they could cut my hair so it could be safely done.

[01:06:11]

At this point, it's not even about that. I'm just going for it. I'm going for it because, you know, once I grew a beard and I was like, I'm just going to do it. And I did it. And now I'm thinking, I want this to grow so long that maybe I get a man bun. Maybe I have to. Yeah, maybe. Maybe I would never do, man. But I'm just kidding about that.

[01:06:31]

But I would like it tumbling like Jesus length. I want Jesus length hair, the U.S. Jesus hair. Are you worried without your hair and half your face covered, people probably don't recognize you anymore. Well, you know, it's funny. Even with a mask on, I walk around saying, I'm Conan, I'm Conan. Oh, OK. So I'll put my mask on right now. So no, my mask is on. I pulled it up from the bottom.

[01:06:55]

And this is the experience. If you see a tall person who's pretty much all covered going, Conan, I'm coming. I'm Conan. I'm Conan. Seems a little needy. I'm Conan. I do that. I do. Because I desperately need people to notice me. It's the only reason I got into show business is so that people would be excited to see me and go, oh my God, it's Conan. I cannot live without that.

[01:07:19]

OK, I sometimes wonder if you will allow yourself to have red hair just for so it would stick out. I think there's a lot of things I willed myself to do. I mean, I think that naturally I'm an amazing athlete, but I think I listen to me, listen, I willed myself to be inept and physically awkward because that's funnier. And when I was young, when I was very young, I was strikingly handsome, strikingly. I mean, people used to say, good God, he's going to be a leading man is like, no, I'm interested in comedy.

[01:07:51]

And I remembered as I was growing, I willed myself. I really do think through sheer force of will. Sure, I shaped my eyes to be kind of beady in my lips, to be sort of thin and creepy. I knew that these in my face to be kind of really big and wide and and invasive. And I did all that because I thought that's going to play better for comedy. I'm just saying that a lot of downsides to covid.

[01:08:15]

I don't need to list them. You know, I don't you said that there are downsides to COVA, but everyone's looking for the silver linings. And I'm looking I am exploring this new movie, which is I'm Bjorn Borg, the tennis great in nineteen seventy eight. You're Martina Navratilova or. You know what? I don't care. I don't care. I'm gender fluid. It doesn't matter to me. I have no I'm fine being either one. I'm sort of like Shaun Cassidy.

[01:08:44]

I'm Chrissy Teigen. Wait, what. I just threw her in there. I said, beautiful. You can't just say you're her. And then like we'll be like, oh, yeah. Well, I almost got away with it. Now I'm I'm bored. I'm I'm bored. Frankly, this is what I'm saying. I'm going for a headband and I'm wearing it all the time. And I'm you know, if you if you see a tall Dutch woman with a headband on the head and then underneath, that's me.

[01:09:11]

That's Conan O'Brien. And also, if you hear the person saying through their mask, come Conan from Conan me and make a big fuss, make a big fuss and really get excited. And even if you're not a fan and you've never been a fan, do me a favor. How much would it cost you to go, oh, my God, I grew up watching you. You're the best. You define comedy. Is that really going to hurt you?

[01:09:33]

To do that doesn't hurt you. So let's just say that stuff to you. If it's not true, maybe. Yeah, OK. And if you actively dislike me, why, that's a waste of time. Oh good. Comes of that. Come up to me like you know what your work means so much to me and you're so great and you've brought so much joy to my life.

[01:09:50]

Easy money I fan fuck you could just do it god damn it. I can't say fuck you to people who might not be ready guys. Got it. I'm sorry. I had been squeezing, squeezing the vessels in my mind near my brain and it's creating micro bursts of hostility. So just fucking just fucking say you like me just fucking praised me. You see me on the street. I'm coming. I'm coming, I'm coming. I'm coming in this window very badly.

[01:10:23]

Yeah, I did. I like your long hair. I'm going to stick with you. Stick with a really good look for you and I actually like it. Yeah. All right. You know, what we should do is keep going with it and check in throughout the season on how it's done. Yeah. And we can post photographs and then you can put them on people's computers. But, yeah, I'm liking I'm digging the new look and just check me out, I'll be out there, I'll be on the streets, I walk the streets, go up to him, tell him you love him.

[01:10:52]

Yeah, feed his knee.

[01:10:53]

Forget to say Katika as God may as God made. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim Obsession and Conan O'Brien has himself produced by me, Matt Cawley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Airwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental Music by Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review the show on Apple podcast, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.

[01:11:31]

Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at three, two, three, four, five, one, two, eight, two, one and leave a message in two could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been a cocoa production in association with DeWolfe.