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Hey, my name is J.B. Smoove, and I feel, man, you know, I feel as though Conan is taking advantage of me and he's putting pressure on people to be his friend.


That's a big thing to do. It's like cosigning for a friend, for a car, you know, he can afford.


Ring the bell. Brand new shoes walking on the fence, books and guns, I can do it. We are going to be friends. Me go. Hello and welcome to Conan O'Brien, needs a friend and a very happy New Year. This is our first episode of Twenty Twenty One.


What does it all mean?


I don't know, but it feels good to be out of it.


Yeah. Yeah. I think all of us are happy to get twenty twenty into our rearview mirror. Yeah.


Thoughts about the New Year. So what do you have any resolutions for this year.


Well, I want to put that vaccination in my body as quickly as possible and then go hug Dedé. That's going to be one of the big ones. Do you have to explain to people who Dedé is? My grandpa is 97. I haven't touched him in, like, all year. And I miss him. So, you know, it'd be nice to hug him. Yeah.


And then, you know, the usual I think it's the same resolutions I have every year, which is lose some weight. Don't look at my phone too much.


First of all, I don't think you need to I think you need to stop looking at your phone so much. Yeah, but you look great. I don't think you need to lose any weight. You say that.


But then when you call me and I don't answer my phone, the wrath that I get from you is untrue. Completely untrue. No, it's. And it's so passive aggressive. Oh, please.


Whenever when has anyone ever suggested that I was passive aggressive by you to find one example? Look through all these podcast tapes has been over 100 episodes and find one example of me being passive aggressive. I dare you to do it.


Oh, at insert passive aggressive. I hear you bring up something is getting this vaccine. Matt Gawley, producer extraordinaire. Correct me if I'm wrong.


I heard somewhere that of course people are saying front line workers need to get the the vaccine quickly and the aged need to get the vaccine quickly and they should be first. And of course, that makes perfect sense to me. And then someone was saying that podcasting was considered that.


Who is saying that sort of thing?


Yeah, podcasting did get designated as essential work because now I'll tell you podcast was designated as essential work because we say five percent of it is is like a journalistic podcast where the rest is absolute horseshit. And we got brought along with the journalists.


So we basically got into a legitimate party by Jack Nicholson was walking in and we ducked under his trench coat and snuck into a party. I know I was hearing this. I was hearing someone saying that, well, of course, podcasts are essential. They need to continue. And then I started thinking, what if we started a campaign on the podcast, which is I need to get that vaccine. No, no, I need to get that vaccine ahead.


Let me just make my pitch ahead of frontline workers know people who are working in hospitals. Let me say this. You don't know what it's like to talk to comedians. You have no idea what it's like to do ad integrations and try and make them funny. The pressure I'm under, the danger I'm in constantly. And I do think I could make some kind of that America will cease to function if this podcast is shut down.


You're shoving doctors out of the way in line.


You get to the front how angry people would be to the idea of me saying, hey, look, I just think before any frontline workers, people are like, oh, no, no, don't don't finish the sentence.


No, no, listen, I'm serious. I have a podcast. So what I'd like to do is cut to the front of the line. Actually, there'd be footage of me shoving a ninety eight year old war veteran.


You are you. I drove to the beach at Normandy. I took out seven machine gun nests. Yeah.


Stanback Gramps, I have a podcast. Oh, what? Where I podcast. Hello, sir. How do I watch it. You don't watch it sir. Look, listen, I'm not belittling what you did to defeat the Nazis, sir, but I am going to step ahead of you in this line and get the last vaccine for today. You can come back tomorrow because I have to. Yes. And during improvisations, I have to come up with strange and funny observations off the top of my head at my leisure in a comfortable studio.


So, sir, I will see you tomorrow. Actually, I won't see you tomorrow cause I'm getting my shot now and I'm going home and I may be dead. Well, sir, those are the risks you have to take. You've convinced me. Good day. You know, when you started talking, I thought you were an idiot, but it does sound difficult. Come to think of it, Normandy's wasn't that hard. Oh, my God.


I took a few shots in the shoulder to shoulder. It heals. But you. I mean. Having to talk to musicians and comics, that's quite a wide variety of people to make funny. I think you should go first and you have to watch the projects they've done. Yes, I do. I do have to watch some of the projects they've made for Netflix before I talk to them. Good God, you, sir, are my hero.


All right. Well, take my Medal of Freedom. This is a Medal of Freedom that was given to me for saving fifty five people in my platoon. But I want you to wear it. Thank you, sir. I'll take that. Maybe you want to think about taking it down and I'll take it. Oh, just jamming in my pocket. Just take. You're supposed to wear it with pride now just jam in my pocket. I'll probably go in my sock drawer.


I don't know.


I got a bunch of medals old people have given me because I do a podcast which is much braver than anything they ever did with the Big Depression in World War Two and the Korean War are still going.


I don't think you should put the Medal of Freedom in your book grants. You gave it to me once you give it to me, it's mine and I decide where the Medal of Freedom goes. OK, I got to get my vaccine and you should probably just head on home. I don't have a car. I have to walk. Well, that's your problem. I'd give you a lift, but there's not a lot of room in my Bentley. You have a Bentley.


Yeah, but I've got a couple of boxes in there, so I don't want to put them in the trunk. That would take a minute.


Oh, OK. Wow. I love thinking about the worst thing I could do. It's amazing. Amazing. I'm very prolific when it comes to what is the worst thing in the world I could do.


Do you have resolutions?


Maybe, I don't know, be nicer. Yes. I resolve to get to the guests more quickly. Oh, no.


Oh, I think sometimes I, I go on at length in these crazy mental fantasies of mine of belittling a war hero so that I can get their Medal of Freedom and the last covid vaccine of the day.


I resolved to that. I resolve to get to the gas faster in this decade, not because it's easy, but because it's hard. And with that in mind, my guest today of hilarious actor and comedian who wrote for Saturday Night Live and appeared in such movies as I think that, by the way, the best title ever for a movie, Pootie Tang is right up there with what is it, dude? Where's my car? Yeah. Yeah. He wrote for Senate Live.


He appeared in such movies as Pootie Tang and Spider-Man Far from Home.


You also know him as Leon on the HBO series Curb Your Enthusiasm. I've known this gentleman for a long time. He is an absolute delight and wonder. JB Smoove, welcome. What do you mean I'm pressuring you to be my friend? Is it you call a show calling? It wasn't a. Conan needs a friend and you call said friend who is sure he's even your real friend. You don't see that's putting pressure on people. And I use a cosigner thing because you have co-sign for a friend for a car and you've got to go down there with him to run his credit and he got on your damn credit right now.


You're ruining my credit. You're ruining my credit. You're ruining my credit. Right now. I'm going to do this damn salesman like no in the first car you crash. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Maybe you're likening being friends with Conan O'Brien is having to co-sign for a nineteen ninety one Toyota Tercel, just a used car. This miss that's missing a rear panel. Europeanised, be nice. Get one of those. Suzuki Samira's. Now, that's a car you co-sign a person for.


So, you know, they don't even make those anymore to Suzuki Samurai. You find them. But it's not easy. It's not easy to find. So, you know, the top comes off and everything. And I understand well, the lady on the side of something like that, I don't know what's going on in your household, but not, you know, a real lady in their caucus. They say those things tip over. So you put aside sugar, nickel.


That's all. I mean, that's all I'm saying.


This Suzuki Samurai is for your you know, your your your mistress, your side.


You say same thing with the with the with the Pontiac Fiero. I'm going for your kids will fight for it if you put it down. But we started up because we'll if you let me go either way. Either way that car is on fire. Hodzic that's all you are saying, that I'm not even as good as a Suzuki Samurai as sir as far as being friends with somebody go, which is hard not it's hard not to hear that and be insulted.


Well, look, there's different ways of of being a curse on anybody else who's watching. This is what I say. Wow. Is JB calling his friend or is he not his friend or is he just going to be a cosigner and get that car? He's going to drop off that lot and bam, right into a damn tree.


This is an endless stream of bullshit, JB And let me tell you something. Let me say something, because I it's going to be very hard for me to get a word in edgewise here. And it's my podcast. But here's the deal, JB I've known you for a long time. When you were a writer, I'd seen it like this before anybody else knew your face. I used to have you come on the show, do bits for us, right?


That's right. And you were always hilarious. You're always fantastic. And I would talk to you. You were great, but you were always JB, you were always this guy. You've done a bunch of other things. Then you get on curb and you start playing Leon, and everyone says, oh my God, he's brilliant at this character. And I'm like, no, that's Jay B, that's who you are. Twenty four, seven. I've run into you in all kinds of places and situations, and you are J.B. Smoove all the time talking a stream of bullshit.


I try to be consistent. You know, there's different levels of bullshit categorizing my bullshit with different people, using a certain level bullshit that Leon does, a certain level bullshit that I do see. So you've got to separate your bullshit. Well, but I don't want that happen. Here is my bullshit to intertwine with each other. You know, I don't want my bullshit to start to go into other shit like, OK, right. You're a farmer, right?


You're a farmer. You got BOEM.


Why am I a farmer? I'm doing this. All right. All right. So I just you got to give me a second to catch up suddenly. I'm a farmer. I'm telling you, I'm talking about, you know, in Ghostbusters. They can't pass the you know, that they have these beams. They shoot Yeah. Stream and these streams and they can't cross streams. Yeah. Because that's a big problem.


You're saying bullshit streams cannot cross or it will create a massive explosion.


I just want my shit. And it's with the associate of the former metaphore because a farmer has several animals on his farm. He got bulls. Yes, he got cows. He got hogs. He got pigs. He got sick of this shit. His used to it. We don't have J.B. We don't have to him. You never see one. Only one rooster. Is the rooster a pimp. That's all. I want to give it to a hen and it's a hen.


I know it's supposed to be like the the one they always want a better body since the one we're talking Perles to him has a bit of body shape than the last time I you. So here is a higher level. We considered the him fine. Right. The rooster is like is like some dashing handsome ass chicken shit little rooster, that little red thing hanging for you. But I don't know how to get you handsome with a red fucking gazit thing hanging from the fucking neck.


What the fuck. And everything. Don't you don't talk to me. I have no idea. Listen, I am a professional little conversationalist. A little push him back and see if anyone out there. Understands how we got to this anyway. Quickly, please contact me and let me know how we got to the little thing that hangs off the rooster's throat. So from me, mentioning Curb Your Enthusiasm. So so all of my stuff and it's why I'm saying this when you want to do when you walk into a fight, I'm walking, you might step by step in pig shit, horse shit, chicken shit, bull shit and bull shit.


I'm saying that I don't know all the shit to get all confused, you know. Is there a difference as shit, you know, say if you're going to house is on your shoe, you say specifically that's bullshit. You say, you know what, that could be any kind of shit. I don't know shit going on his farm. It could be any of those animals. Maybe my one really cool talent is I can immediately tell what excrement comes from, what animal instantly just by smell.


So when people come into my home, I'm like, you stepped in raccoon shit, you know? And I know immediately I'm able to tell I'm able to tell which species I can break it down. I can tell the sex of the species one. Well, I guess there's a guess. There's a female kangaroo in the neighborhood you just stepped in. Female kangaroo. Shit. I can do that. I can tell. I can tell before, like I can tell before it gets on my shoe.


Like like some animals. Shit like a curly Acropora like like it's like a curly fries. You got a squirrel to go like, like a Mississippi ice cream cone. Like the sound is shaped like a swirly kind of thing. Oh that's on purpose or. Oh how that happens. But it just comes like a swirl of shit and sometimes springs when I'm it sprinkles. Should we not do this? Oh, no. Should we just listen? Should we just we just stop this now?


Because someone's going to get hurt. We're going to get hurt. This is this is this is called Cosini. I'm cosigned for your ass right now. You see, this is a process. We are both in front of them, Cordillo. We're both sitting here. He's you. He's running my credit right now. He's got your credit and your credit was wasn't. So I gave you my my Social Security card number. My credit is a comedic voice.


What you're saying is I came in with my comedic voice. They said, you've got to get a cosigner, you got to get J.B. Smoove. You came in and still still they need to check our credit. When Mr. told me you were trying to find a friend of mine, you got me. I got your friends. You're trying to find a good source close. You know, the friend I'm trying to beat up for you. I'm trying to kosoff on your ass right now.


I just got belligerent very quickly. I'm just trying to make the point that you've always been this guy and you've been this guy through, I think, your entire life going forward. What I don't understand is where did this guy come from?


Were you born? This guy, you know, you always this guy.


No, I am actually very down to earth grounded person. It's like the positivity oozes out my pores because like, some people sweat when people don't just say very positive and they say their fucking positivity.


I love that pours out of my other my pores is just like oozes out of me, you know. I mean, so all day I'm just trying to help people, man. I don't help the ass right now like we know.


So since since we're in a psychiatrist's office right now. Right in. I'm on you know, you a psychiatrist sitting in a chair, they cross right over left, you know, a little pad and shit to write down all the crazy shit that's going on in your head right now.


That's what I that's what I do to people. But I'm not sitting in the chair with my legs crossed with a little pad. I am actually a fucking couch. So I'm out of the couch and you're laying on top of me. I'm laying on top of you. Forget you're not not not like this. Like this, you know, I mean, like, OK, you had your hands, OK, because it's impossible. If you had your hands together, you said we're not we're not lying crotch to crouch.


No, we are lying like this on the couch, you know, I mean, maybe I've got a few little propellers on me or something like that. But on me, the couch, you know, it's more intimate. It's more intimate things. Yeah. I recommend I recommend most psychiatrists to have their bodies but have a body cut out in the couch that they fit in like Lego, like they fit in that little slot, you know, and that way they could be they can be the couch closer to this.


So this is fantastic. This is a fantastic idea. You're saying lay on the psychiatrist. You actually have to lie on top of the psychiatrist while you talk about your problems. So that psychiatrist is not only providing psychological support, but actual low back leg support, physical attraction.


Loomba know who said attraction.


No one said you just said attraction. You must you just said attraction. You said attraction. You said attraction. Of course, your psychiatrist has got to be like you have become you got to become one person. I recommend also when you walk to your psychiatrist office, you guys switch pants like he pulls out. Say, what do you know, I'm wearing pants. You've got to become one person, got to become one. So you've created an awkward situation here.


This is more awkward than you just suddenly making me a farmer. Not minutes ago, you just now said that I'm going to my psychiatrist, my psychiatrist and I I'm attracted to this guy and he's attracted to me. And the first thing we do is we switch pain.


If you want to eat this, just like you want a friend, if you want that said friend or a psychiatrist to get in your head, you must connect right now. I'm just trying to connect right now. So if I can decide for myself if I want to be a fucking friend, that's all I'm trying to tell you. OK, OK.


Well, I you know me pretty well, JP You've known me over the years for a long time. I know now. What does that, what does that all about. You know me. I don't like that laugh. Yeah. I don't like it at all. Yeah. I guess it's to do with someone cos they're both like this. I mean it's like OK, all right. You know. So you're not buying any of this. You don't think do you think we could really be good friends.


I think we could. But we got to connect though. I do believe that we should switch pants when I see you next time.


No, I don't want to switch pants with you, J.B., although I'll say this. You're one of the few guys who if we switch pants, they would look a trip because you and I are about right. We're about the same height. Say we're super we're we're lean guys. Lean we long, long, long and lean guys. Yes. Long and lean guys. And you like being long and lean, don't you? I love it. Love it, man, you know you know, I told you this, but, you know, I'm a vegan, you know.


Yes, vegan lifestyle is wonderful. Kohnen You know, we also have a vertical garden here. So all of our vegetables for Thanksgiving, we actually grew in our own garden.


You know, it's beautiful.


Yeah, we have a vertical garden, but it's company, L.A. Urban Farms, and we have.


Do you get paid if you mention their name? No, but I don't get paid per say. But what I get done, I get this thing called seedlings. I get an abundance of seedlings. Seedlings are what your plants will grow out of it.


We call them C C just right. Seedlings come seedlings. There's a different process. The smaller a different process.


And you put them in the ground and they grow. It's a vertical garden.


It goes up in a silo. So they're like a right. But when you plant a seed, it grows out.


That's what got Jack and the Beanstalk fucked up. See his dumb ass trying to plant seeds. Good fucking thing up. The nose is up. That got them one to the top and that Zayat worked his ass C in the diabetes and he ran back down the drain. But he got away. I thought Jack got away. He got away. Get away. And he the goose that laid the golden egg got what. What am I thinking of. I don't remember.


Jack got away.


He did get away at the giant snap a shoot out of his ass and up the up divine for being in his house. He told them, fuck you down here, that he ran. And then that's not how the story was. He did not say, what the fuck are you doing here? Just say that it in the script. And that's when the giant fell to his death and it hit the ground. And that's when that's when Jack got away because the giant didn't have life alert.


He should have had life alert. That would have helped his ass up again.


I've never seen a guy jumped the tracks faster than you there something one of my first little bits I ever wrote as a stand up was about life alert because we had a commercial in New York. You know, I fall and I can't get up, you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. So here's what I did. It's OK. It was fine. And they would combine two commercials into one of the many would say, oh, I've fallen and I can't get up.


And then the operator will say, oh, it's OK, Mr. Johnson, we'll send help right over right now. We'll soon help you say, Oh, no, it's OK. I just got this new carpet from Carpet World see as to commercials. One, she fell bussy. You know, she dies on the night it was she fell to the carpet. So of course, she was like, it's OK. I just got this brand new carpet from Carpet World.


That's bad shit together again. That's a clue. Yeah.


I can imagine if, like, say, you were involved in a lawsuit and I was a lawyer and I had to depose you or I was an investigator detective and I had to talk to you, J.B. Smoove, you were a witness and I was trying to get information out of you because you had seen the murderer run out of the building holding a hatchet. You would get two roosters and then Jack and the Beanstalk within seconds. Meanwhile, the the bad guys getting away, he's in another country.


By the time they even establish what you say the guy looked like, no, you just got to paint pictures.


People need people. Some people don't like you. I you what? You know why they invented podcast. People want to see you and didn't want you to paint pictures for and vividly express things like swirly poop and freakin. And no one wants to envision that and the combining of different types of of shit on that farm.


And people people don't understand. We just not why the podcast was. Of course it was. Of course it was. If people want to see what you're talking about, they want to see. And the same thing goes for holograms. Holograms are the same thing for holograms. You can't a hologram is only good for voice. See, a hologram can't be anywhere else. You can't be a hologram, Pip, because you know, you know, the lady pays you.


Are you going to put the money in your pocket and the money just falls on the ground because you a hologram. So, yeah, it's my very you're right. A pimp is there to threaten and that's a source of menace and protection. And so a hologram pimp is a complete waste of time. So people can't be a hologram, hologram monsters, pimps, hologram bouncer outside a club that's not go well.


He can't throw you out of there. You could say you're not you can't come in here. Get out of here. What are you going to do about walk right through. Yeah, what we draw. What are you gonna do about it? And what if faith refuses? You know me and what to ask. Here's the thing.


One of my favorite things about working at Night Live and you worked at Senate live as a writer and I worked there as a writer at different times. But one of the things I love was being in the room with someone with a mind like yours because we'd get a good idea just shooting the shit.


Just because I was lucky enough to be I was lucky enough to be in a room with Robert Smiggle and Bob and Greg Daniels and hilarious guys.


And we would just be talking. We wouldn't even be working. We'd be talking in a funny I. Would come out, I know that if I share an office with you, all I have to do is talk to you. Oh, I would probably say three words. You would be babbling and then you'd get to a hologram pimp and we're off to the races to sketch. You start creating that kind of stuff, man. But I do believe, you know, that was a great process, not only just the writing part, but also the pacing that was a test ground to see if this is even a good idea, you know, is very good at you, Healdsburg, a little bit.


And he will have a he we have a bowl of those. Got them at of Mommy's on his table. So, yeah, it's like the it's like a smirk, you know, grab one little mommy.


Oh Genevieve. You know. Yeah. Anything else. Anything else maybe. And he'll look at moms. Those are the only things keeping him alive. He has to he has four of those a day and he's been living in seventy four.


So I'll tell you this. Tedious things like that to eat like at a mom, a fucking pistachio pistachio crack.


Just open it up and you know, you burn more calories cracking the pistachio than you get out of the pistachio.


Right. You do. And you have you ever crack open and inside was a rotten one like fuck, you know. I mean, know I mean those. Well, we just you just learned a lot about what it's like behind the scenes that night. Live with Lorne Michaels. I'm sorry. Sometimes you bite into a pistachio Tomomi on the inside night is Sophs. This is crazy. I don't know how this could happen.


One time I had a tomomi, you know, you put in your mouth, you pull it out and guess what was inside that motherfucker.


What's that? Three fucking pistachios. I said, what the fuck is this?


OK, all right. What just happened? You are what the fuck? This happened. I said, what if you weren't? I don't know what I no longer want. You think about we no longer somebody been fooling around. That's all I could think about. I no longer want you as my comedy cosigner. OK, I want you to take before you read the card. I want you to take your Visa card and I'll take my chances.


Well, that's what you know, that's what the pitching was. The pitching was, you know, getting you know. I know. Truth be told, I didn't get a lot on er legendary pitches though. Fucking legendary pitches. You get a lot of wind.


You would you would have everybody in the room laughing at your comedy ideas, but very little of it ever could make it on the air as a sketch.


No I thought would make it though was the one about the God. I used to work at a bank. He got fired from the bank and then he got a job at Subway making sandwiches and shit, but he couldn't stop doing bank stuff like he said. You want you want salami? Cheese.


Let me get that salami, cheese and ham on this little finger like he's counting out Bill, lick his finger like it's counting up. Except he's doing it with Deli. Oh, my God. That's a sketch that has a lot of back story. That's probably not true because you got to do a lot of backstory. We explain he worked at a bank but then lost that job and now he's at Subway and that explains it. So how do you do the back story for that sketch?


How do you educate the audience about what happened before you got it? That's the tricky part.


That's my challenge was to happen any time you go somewhere, right, to take care of business. Right. They always ask you if I can help you with anything else. You always know I always throw out the most obscure shit ever, you know? I mean, now you do this in real life. You keep people in their toes.


So you come to me and and you ask for a Subway sandwich and I give it to you. And then I say, Sir, can I get you anything else?


And you say that I said some weird shit out of left field like I would love a nice pie. You know, I love shepherd's pie. We happen to have some serious pie.


Sir, this is Subway. This is we don't leave. We've never, ever, ever had shepherd's pie. We'd never advertised that. That's completely off brand for us.


You asked me did say something else. I want you to help me make a fucking shepherd's pie.


If you say that you're going to put up or shut up, put up a don't ever say that's it again. You don't say. You know, J.B., you were and I found this out about you, and it makes so much sense because I've always thought as a such a funny comedian and actor and personality, you're so goddamn funny.


I thought there's an element to you that always feels like a salesman. Like I equate you with that old TV show, Bilko, starring Phil Silvers, like the guy that's always trying to talk somebody into something.


And then I find out that you used to be a salesman, that you had a lot of jobs back in the day. You sold fire extinguishers.


At one point this firestorm was just were you a good salesman? You know what? I was good at getting in your house. You know me I was good at cause, you know, I'm very good at reading people. And I think that's where we came. That's what the music part comes from. This is all before I became a comedian. So being with the right people was always something you need as a salesman to be able to get in the house.


You've got to be able to be out knocking on someone's door, you know, to open a door. And immediately I will put my foot down in the threshold so I can close the door back, OK?


That's exactly what you're probably not supposed to do, that that sounds like it's creating a threatening environment. You don't make it obvious. You put your leg up, like stop it on, you know, ha ha. What's to say. Ah aha. They get suspicious. Ha ha ha. So when you kick their door, when you physically kick their door open and yell aha. You think that's all countries that don't do that. That's the worst salesman ever.


But when they open the door you put your foot on the thrussell. So you say hello ma'am or hello sir. You lean over about 30 degrees just to get a little peek into the world. What's going on inside that house? What you want to do? It's a firestorm. As a salesman is asked, do you have a fire extinguisher in your home? You leave all like this and they say no. You say, hey, I see you have a baby toys over there.


You have a grandpa in a wheelchair. Once we do that, lets them know that they you've got me wanting to get a fire extinguisher.


If you don't have one, you, Samuel, focus. So you got to have a fire extinguisher. You're number one thing. You're not even a fire extinguisher salesman anymore. And you have and I think you I'm going to buy a fire. Still sell them, cause I know what it takes to sell them. Let me guess, your floor as a salesman might be a salesman, has to stay on track, just always be selling, always be closing.


And my thought is that you knock on the door, they answer, you say, aye, sir or madam. You put you got your foot in the door, but suddenly you do the 30 degree lean. You see grandpa on the wheelchair, you see the baby toys, you see the grandfather clock. You said you have a fire extinguisher and they say, no, we don't. You say you really don't have a fire extinguisher. And they say, you know, that's probably a pretty good idea.


And you go, why is a rooster have that thing coming off the bottom? You have what is that? What is that is the rooster. That's him. Is the rooster a you better do that. Then you've lost the salesman because they want they want to feel attached to you like you're their friend. And then I ask them, hey, do you have Netflix, do you have Hulu or do you have Amazon Prime? And I asked them while I'm doing my sales, my sales pitch, I come to put that movie Backdraft on while I'm doing my pitch.


I see. Yeah, that's the smart thing to be. So they go and they put Backdraft on the Ron Howard movie famously about fire.


And I tried to turn the volume down because I don't want to talk over the fucking dialogue, you know, want to you want to, you know, want to compete with me. But every once in a while I go, oh, I love this part. Every once in a while. Every 15 minutes. Oh, wait, how long are you in the home? You sound like you're in the home for as long as possible. As long as possible.


What I do with my administration. But when I'm doing my demonstration of pointing things out that you got going on in this house, you know, things that would be a problem like getting that goddamn them grandpa through that door don't want to fire in a goofy ass wheelchair might be a problem. You got to navigate through smoke shit and fire and shit falling down, you know, just like just like Backdraft, just like old Badreya.


See, this is ingenious. I can see why you were a great see, that's why I was a great salesman.


Just all the great salesmen. Yeah. Because I got a pull in different elements there.


Sometimes there's a show that's up and it's going and it feels like this show doesn't need anybody else. This show, this show is great the way it is. And I felt that way about Curb Your Enthusiasm. And then I heard that you were going to join the show. And I thought immediately I was so happy because I knew you and I thought this is going to add such a fantastic element and this is going to let JB be JB and really blow it up.


And you did just that. You did that. You did a fantastic job. You're hilarious on that show. What is your process with Larry? What is your process when you do that show? Because. You are so yourself in that program. You know what it's like, the only way I know how to do it is I got to be in the moment. If I overthink it, I can't get a natural reaction. One thing I try to do is I try to give Larry something he didn't know about beyond, you know, I try to give something new all the time because my character doesn't have an origin.


You know, he just came out of nowhere. And this, you know, he's living in Larry's house.


And so I try I try to give him some new sense of this because I can make shit up. You know, I just want to create my own kind of, you know, even in season 10. Yeah, we did the scene where we saw about constipation. So I gave he said his secretary was taking days off because he had constipation. And he's like, You think that's right? I said, no, it's got nothing. That's a shit.


I run a marathon constipated. You know, I was a hot dog eating contest, constipated. And I still put him one year. And I said, oh, that's not a porno constipated level. You know, sort of I don't answer him. I answered him because I don't use that amount of time. I use it.


You know, I don't want to overpower the scene about Leon doing on pornos and shit, you know? But my thing is I choose in the scene whether I want to have Larry's back or do I want to go against the.


Yes. Or the other thing you do that's so good is you go after somebody and you did it today. And I'm just going to assume it was a joke when you pretended that you weren't sure you wanted to be my friend because it was like cosigning for a shitty car and you didn't know if I was good, if I had the credit and you came after me and then I get to go after you and we immediately have a lot of fun immediately.


That's what I tell you. It's just a way of helping you is so, you know, now I'm really mad.


Again, biological, the bomb. I don't need your help, but if I co-sign for you, it's a possibility. You can fuck my. OK, now I'm realizing it's not a bit. Now I see. I tried to figure out a way intellectually that I up front, you were giving us all a masterclass in improv and you decided to go after me as if I was not a worthy friend. Now you're revealing I'm really not worthy of your friendship.


So that worthy. See, here's the thing. When I was I give that dude my social Social Security number so I can get you out of this analysis.


You are trapped in this analogy. You are trapped like a mastodon person in the tar pit in like, you know, ten million B.C. You cannot get out of this. You can't seem to get out of it. If I if I run into you six years from now, if you're in the hospital in a coma and I come visit you, you're going to wake up and go, why would I co-sign for your ass? And I'd say, we're back in this again.


It's exactly what you would do. No college. You know, already you are my dearest friend.


I have seen dearest friends fuck up somebody.


I must tell you what the possibilities are. It could happen. Now, let me ask you something, though. Yeah, you are my buddy. You are on my way.


But we've known each other a long time. And I got to say two things.


One, every time I run into you and you are one of the best dressed people I've ever met and I just I mean, I bump into celebrities all the time. I go to their homes and ring the bell. And it's never a long conversation. I'm asked to leave. But you I bumped into a couple of times and you were the most you wear incredible suits. You are always perfectly dressed and you take it very, very seriously, don't you?


I was told Trevor was a real thing. I feel like I would have loved to be around when that form of fashion, even the heyday of Harlem, you know, all the other amazing suits and how people carried themselves in every club had a doorman, you know, do stand in front, you know.


Yeah. Yeah. You know, I mean, yeah, I always love speakeasies. And because, you know, everybody knows that a suit, when you get a suit, you need a suit. Right? Come on, get him up my pants.


There's a fly. I've just said I want people. I'm I'm there's a fly buzzing around because I don't want people listening. They say it's a podcast. It's not the pants fly. That was it is a long time. That was a long time ago that fly died.


They have a very short life cycle. Same fucking flight you told me I saw a fly on TV. That's OK.


I'm sure you know, flies. OK, that doesn't. I'm telling the fly. Yeah.


Anyway, I'm just explaining to people it is a podcast. So when you said get out of here, get out of here, I think they thought that you were losing your mind or maybe suddenly growing angry with me. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.


So you like a suit. You like you. The way I love a good man, I love the suit. I could learn a lot from you. Yeah, you got to make something Pop. See, your Stinton opponent is begging, is begging. Your skin tone is like a canvas. See, you got a pitcher of like like you look at his hair and it's just amazing painter who is painting your body because your body is a canvas. You white as a canvas.


Right now I'm trying to tell you I'm pretty. I'm pretty. Am I the whitest guy you've met? Do you think you might be you might be you you are a canvas. You understand. Slightly freckled canvas. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck the canvas. Yeah. You know, mean some areas know some areas. Absolutely. There are no hurdles. I'm sure you're fretfulness in some areas. Yes I am. But now you still canvas your body.


Think about it. Some people shop and think about your body as being a canvas. What's the story. What, what do you want. It's a sad story.


That's it's a very it's a tragic it's a tragic tale. That's what it is. Yeah. You can be. You know what?


I wrote a sketch on SNL. My first season was called Morty's The Home of the Living Pea Soup.


Please. I know this. I've heard this. It's such a great idea. And eleven, please explain how an 11 piece suit works. You've got another you've got a vest. Oh, man. You got all kind of. Oh, I understand. You put you say, what color do I feel like wearing today? You put you figure a color out first, then you grab a time. Oh no, I do sometimes. Sometimes I put my tie on what I just posted something on my on my Twitter and Instagram of me wearing a tie with no shirt on because I'm thinking as a jaybird, but I've got a tie.


I got my tie on while I'm saving. You know what? Because I want to feel my posture. That's me working the scene while I'm getting dressed. When I'm doing something else, I'm getting dressed in my mind. So I'll put a bit of tie up that I would love to wear that day. I've put the tie on while I'm still in my boxers or make it or whatever, but the tie on and I say my face while the tie is on, that allows me to wait a minute.


You see, you're naked wearing a tie. Shaving doesn't shave shaving cream. Get on the tie. No it's this is all smooth already is it. I put the tie on by the thread because I need a reference, I need a fucking reference to see it. What kind of I'm thinking about. If I love the top of the day I'll think about what's going to go with this top perfectly. But I want to be in a room overthinking it while I'm in the closet.


Go to stuff like I can't fucking fast shit, but what I'm saving, I'm relaxed. You'll see. You want to be in a relaxed state when you're getting dressed. But the tie on a little cream in the face, shave your face. Still complexion, whether it's a tie.


Oh, I know what I'm gonna wear this time. It sounds to me like we have another difference, which is you seem to be comfortable with your naked body.


Oh, you Berbee. Well, I, I'm not I'm not comfortable with my naked body. And guess what? You should not be you shouldn't be comfortable with my naked body either.


Because it is it's something it's something I didn't grow up that way. It's not the culture I come from. Are you happy being naked at home?


You've got to open up. We have this thing called Naked Thursday around my house. This is you know, this is actually a true thing you do. This is real. This isn't a joke out there, is it? Not a joke every Thursday, but ethnic and walk around the house. You know, I'm saying right now this is you and your wife. Me, my wife. You're both naked. So here's what the ladies like to shit like this.


So I combined make it as Thursday. And so every Thursday I meet my wife for the first time. Of course we chase the story around a little bit, you know. So what I did was I bought one of those a little strobe lights. Like a club. Yeah, nightclubs. I sort of bleak real fast and shit when you walk into the body, as you know, like like I said, blinking has legs. You know, I've got a smoke machine and shit.


This is happening in your house and you and your wife are naked. We recreate. We met in a club so we are recreate the night over and over again. But I change the story around once in a while. You know, we do different things. So the couch is the VIP area. The kitchen island is the bar seat. So what happens is we see the ship make the room more hazy, the blinking lights, you know, I get my whole body and shit, but but I make them face on the wall.


Yeah. Yeah. You don't want him looking at you. You don't want to do. It's an invasion of privacy. It's too much shit. So you turn around, you turn the fuck around. He put his head on a wall. Why it. He's got to do it with his head up against the wall. That's that's the way I look. His forehead got a taste of war and you got a wise heads on the war. You know, that way we got our privacy.


So your your wife's got to have something like you're comfortable and there's a lot of nudity and that's that's commendable. I think that's very commendable. That would not happen in my marriage. My wife and I have still not seen each other naked. We and we have caught it next Thursday. You got to be mad at. You've got to call it something, so I call it next Thursday and Gour, that's it, because Thursday is a great day, but no other days you can't predict or nor the next Monday just how it's done.




So those days already got so attached to it, you know, Monday for Monday, back to work, you know, Tuesday or Wednesday. There we go. I hope they already you know, he's got this Friday. Everybody got their own shit right. Thursday is next Thursday. Showed me once again you've sausen. What do you say about what? We've been talking for a while now. And I want to know after this long conversation, what do you think about us really being friends, really hanging out?


What do you think? And be honest, how do you think it would go?


I'll be honest. I think I think the first thing you've got to do is we got to go shopping again. I'd like to go shopping. I said upgrade not just your wardrobe, but your attitude towards your wardrobe. See, how are you going to figure it out?


You are doing that fucking outfit fucking favor. You understand allowing it to wear. You see are you got to think you think thinking like, oh, I put this shit on me, no shit. It gets to be on me fucking right when you walk in that closet this all be all suits and ServiceNow fucking underwear to be yelling out. Me me me me me me. Yeah, yeah. I should be like nineteen seventy eight outside studio 54. All my shirts and t shirts and shitty sweaters should be going mi.


You, me, me and the underwear I've had since high school. Yes, everyone should be begging to get on your body and walk around with and not even just clothes. I mean, also people people on the street should want to be on my body.


You got to you got to damn near be insane when you wearing a great outfit. When I meet people and I know I look fucking good when I do introduce my outfit to said person, I say, you know, this is my good friend jacket, suit jacket. You should say that I love it so that when you're on a red carpet and they want to know what you're wearing, you just go say hi to suit jacket.


You don't say the brand. You don't see the designer. You know, I say, this is Hugo Boss. You go to fucking suit jacket sometimes and of interviewers will ignore your outfit. They won't show the proper respect for your shit. It took you a long time to put the outfit together. And so my outfit a proper respect and say hello to it, you know.


Well, that's right. You know what I'm going to say you are a a delightful, hilarious gift to humanity. You always make me laugh. I've known you for so many years before. I think a lot of other people knew you and, you know, before your big success. And you've always been a hilarious and delightfully nice and funny guy. And I I don't know if this deal, if our credit, if my credit's going to come through.


But to take that down even further, I would love I just would I love the I even the idea of being your friend makes me happy. You know, I love you, brother. And, you know, I always tell you, man, when I was sitting upstairs, SNL type in behind a goddamn computer, and that phone would ring and I would see your extension on that motherfucker. I was like, oh, God, please call me downstairs.


Proud to say I'm proud to say that you are a big part of my movement, man. Oh, well, yeah. When you meet people when you know, when people give you feedback and they laugh or you or you can bounce off each other like this, it's like a you know, confirms that, you know, you're so it's a check point.


I always think when when you can just hang out with somebody as funny as you and then that's part of your job. You did something right in a prior life. And JB, I'm sold. I'm sold on you. I'm sold on the fire extinguishers. I'm sold on lying on top of a psychiatrist as I talked to him. My crotch. Yes, I know his. How would it work? I guess my ass would be on his crotch.


Wouldn't it have been a very good way. You know, when he's trying to make a point, he can grab his shoulders. I say, listen to me.


See, see, to listen to me also. You're a passenger. You're a good guy. He puts his arm around my chest and. Yeah, and it was about him. It was about his hand. Me his chin or a rubber nose. I don't know.


Give me a favor, JB. Also, please write up hologram pimp please. Like that because I love that idea. I love that idea. Or just give it to someone. It's turned out live and tell them what the beats are because that's hilarious. I love a pimp getting in someone's face and he's a hologram. All right, baby, I got to go. You got to go. I'm going to go out. I'm going to buy a suit at Sears.


Is there still a Sears? Did Sears go away?


I thought went away. Oh, no. I'll go to what? They might still have the big s inside. I'll go. I'm going to get a serious bed, bath and Beyond. Oh.


Oh, all right. I like that idea. All right. I like that idea.


Thank you so much, JB. I love talking to you. Thank you.


I think most of you know that I'm not an experienced podcast. I stumbled into this bumbled into it. It's like I fell through a skylight, you know, I was in broadcasting and then I stepped on a skylight and and crashed into podcasting. And I love it. I really enjoy it. It's a lot of fun, but I don't really know what it is I'm doing. I just babble like a chimp on meth. And then what's that?


Well, I think you are an experienced podcast tonight. I was going to say the same thing. You've been doing it for, like, what, two and a half years? Well, I'm saying compared to television, which I've been working in since technically nineteen eighty five, I feel I'm still a newbie. I'm figuring it out, but I like to every now and then check in and see how we're doing. I like to check on the state of the podcast.


I feel like I am supposed to be in charge. I'm stunned. I'm stunned at the number of things I don't understand. Yeah. And you guys are always asking me to do things that I don't quite know what it means. Yeah. For instance, for this segment you said, is this at the beginning where I say hi. Hello. Well, I don't know.


I don't think I'm supposed to know. You should know why? Because it's not hard to know. No, but an easy thing to know.


Did you know that Lennon McCartney never learned to read music during their whole career with the Beatles? They didn't read music. They didn't understand. They just knew and they knew chord shapes. They knew how to make the tune. Now some listening, saying, Oh, wait a minute Koenen, you're comparing yourself to a is right and I that's what I was just. No you're saying you're both of them. Yeah I'm not saying I'm either one. I'm saying I'm both.


Wow I'm yes I'm La Cartney and I just, I just, I just see things. And if you start getting into the technical I mean that we have you there to go. This is at thirty two megahertz.


Hello. I'm your George Martin. Are you kidding. Come on. Oh so. So who does megahertz. Who's on, who's on that. Sam. Sam, Sam. So Sam, you're in there. Sam, get your feet off the hook. Sam is in a booth and he's got his feet up on a board that looks like it's worth six hundred thousand dollars. Would you grow up in a barn? Wisconsin. OK, all right.


I used to get up at four in the morning, go to the barn and put my feet up on the six hundred thousand dollar Sony consoles. Well, Sam, are we you're there monitoring levels, is that correct? Oh, my God. Yeah, OK. And what does that mean?


I don't even understand that. It's just watching things.


And if it goes wrong, then I just tell everyone that it went wrong.


OK, I'm familiar with that. We have that in mind of the business as well. Is there a way to add more of a masculinity to my voice? Is there a way to do that? Is there a knob? I could overdub it later, OK? Yes. Yes. Oh, my God. It was like a completely different. Yeah, if you get Morgan Freeman, you know, just to just put him in from my voice.


So not even change like the levels on your voice. You know, a completely new person want Morgan Freeman. I don't care what it costs, but I think if Morgan Freeman we're talking my nonsense word for word and we'd compensate him. I know he's probably got a very high price. Yeah. But I think technically the podcast seems to be going well. I'm told we have Adam Sacks, who's the guru behind it all. He's the he's the master puppeteer.


He's Oz. Adam, tell us, how's the podcast doing? Is it a successful podcast?


It's very successful. It continues to do well. We had to make some adjustments through quarantine. And we were I have to be honest, I personally was a little bit nervous about those adjustments. We had never done a remote episode up until the up until the quarantine. And we were pretty serious about avoiding any remote episodes because we felt like the the show would suffer.


Yes, the idea of the show was always, I really need to be in the space sharing the space packed in very closely with the guests and that it would be that compression of my energy and their energy that would help the podcast.


So we were obviously very worried when we went to this technology where they were in a remote location. And I yeah, sometimes it's been a little hairy. I think when we talked to John Cleese, John Cleese was on an island. Yeah. And I think he had one of four bars of wi fi. And I think he was eating a bowl of nuts and wearing a robe from a hotel and he was chomping away on nuts. And speaking of nuts, it was an open robe and.


Oh, man. Well, when they said the did the sound check with them, he literally didn't have a shirt on. Yeah. Yeah. No shirt on during the sound check. He was delightful. And it's, you know, my dream. I've talked to him before, but my dream was. Yes. The podcast with John Cleese. And then I find out that it is one step removed from a carrier pigeon, you know, a carrier pigeon flying back and forth with questions and answers.


But that worked pretty well. Yeah, and it did. Oh, no, I didn't mean to I didn't mean to do that with my voice. I'm sorry. It was technical achievement. I'm very proud of our people. I think there are a lot of times where people don't even know we're in different locations. Yes. And that's what I'm. Sometimes I'm a little deceptive, like I want it to seem like they're here, so I'll say, oh, you know, Harrison Ford, your hair is a little in your eyes.


Let me get that for you.


And he's not with me. No, we add that later on. And then people think, wow, he's touching Harrison Ford and adjusting his hair. That's so creepy and weird. I just add those in to make it look like we're in the same room. It's a weird thing to do, though. Yeah. Yeah. And I don't think anyone buys it. Remember when I said to Michelle Obama, do you want a bite of this tollhouse cookie I'm eating?


And I said, here you go. And then I made up sound and then I went, I hope you liked it. Michelle Obama. That was me faking it to make it look like we were in the same room when actually that was a remote segment.


Oh, she wasn't in the same room. Yeah. Oh, wow. That wasn't her going. Oh, OK. Yeah.


So when I said to Liza Minnelli, your back looks like it's gone out. Let me get that for you. Crinkle, crackle, crinkle, crackle.


Oh and I said, there you go. Liza Minnelli. That was me doing all of that. Was that her moaning. No, no, no. That wasn't her money. I do all of it after they're gone. I do it so people think I'm in the studio with these people. Yes. Well, but we've already recorded our episode with the Pope. So do you want to add one of those in for him?


Yes, I hope this is good soup. Would you like some of my soup?


Pontiff, God's representative on Earth then?


Here you go.


Oh, it's Pope Yota. I know that it is hot and steamy.


It'd be OK there. You're a good pope. Good luck. You're a good pope. That's what you're going to see. The way I do that I've been doing that. I listen to the other podcasts and I hate to go, you know, be critical, get a podcast. They don't make any attempt to fool the listener into thinking that they're in studio with the person during quarantine. They respect their intelligence.


I think what I do is ingenious. It's that these are little, little things I do that make it all seem much more intimate.


I agree. You know, OK, anybody knows about technical stuff for everyone.


Taylor Swift was on and everyone was like, oh, this is such a great interview. Yeah, remember that. Yeah. I hope she sounds like Yoda.


No, no, don't be stupid.


I'm very careful about how I do the voices. You don't know how. That's what the pope sounds like. Oh, but Taylor Swift was on and I went way out on my way to go. Taylor, I know you just finished that roast beef sandwich. Susan, there's some roast beef between your third and fourth tooth right near the bicuspid. Let me reach over there and get that for you. And you heard, huh? And I got it.


Got it. I got to get that little piece of fat. And then I went there. I got it. She went and I said, There you go, Taylor. And that was another thing I did to create the illusion that Taylor Swift was with me during coronaviruses. Now, we're never going to book these people for help.


And Taylor Swift never going to get the pope.


No, the pope has given us a hard, maybe hard. Yeah, a hard maybe. And Taylor Swift, it just keeps going to voicemail.


And, you know, it's an old you're calling her personal line.


Yeah. And hard maybe. Sounds like a Taylor Swift song. Yeah. Our Navy is of swift burning up the charts at heart, baby. I think my celebrity voices are pretty good.


Oh, you do? Yeah. OK, could it be Taylor you want with the Pope and Taylor Swift are now in the same room.


Oh yeah. And here comes their friend with a bad back, Liza Minnelli.


Take over again.


Anyway, we're doing what we can and I hope this is inspiring if you're listening because we're all doing the best we can through this pandemic to try and make adjustments. And I look forward to the day when we're all back in studio. Yes. With these people who will probably refuse then to come in because they know that.


Yeah. Yeah. Are we ever going to get someone back in the studio? I don't know. I may never come back in.


Yeah, I miss you. Yeah.


I haven't seen you guys in person in almost a year. Really. Well, nine, ten months. Yeah, well, it will be a year probably before we see each other.


That's not true. Why do you say that? Well don't you think.


Because by the time the vaccines roll out and we can get out again, I'll probably march first of all on I'm going to figure out some way to get this vaccine way ahead of first responders and old people.


OK, I'm just going to talk to the pope.


Pope Yota. He'll do it. Do it. I will. No, I.


That's just a joke. I would never do that. I know that sounds horrible.


Anyway, onward and upward. Better things, as the Kings say, are on the way.


Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim Obsession and Conan O'Brien as himself produced by me, Matt Cawley, executive producer. By Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Collin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Airwolf theme song by The White Stripes, Incidental Music by Jimmy Zino. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcast and you might find your review featured on a future episode.


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