Hello, my name is Jimmy K. And I feel contractually obliged about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Fall is here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walking blues, climb the fence, books and pens.

I can tell that we are going to be friends. A Hey there. Welcome to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend. Things are a little different today. Let me explain. We're all in different places. You see, I am in New York City, and I'm here doing some promotional work for my new show, Konan O'Brien Must Go. Meanwhile, Matt Gourley, you are in Pasadena, California. Is that right? That's correct. Sona, we have no idea where you are. What? Where's your house? Is it in...

Where is it? It's in Altadina. It's north of Pasadena. You've been here. It's not that far.

Well, I had been there, and it's very far, let's just say. I had to stop and switch out cars. It was such a long drive. What does that mean? At one point, on my third car, I just shot the car in the hood because it was steaming.

You had to have a pit crew just to get there.

Exactly. I had provisions. I had stashed water a couple of days before along the route. But anyway, Sona, I'm not trying to- Did you say you shot the car like you would a horse who's leg is broken? Yeah, there was steam coming out of the hood. It was a 1977 Plymouth Valiant, and I just took out a 38 and put a bullet right through the engine. But that's not the point. The point is that you live very far away, but I'm happy for you, Sonia. You have a lovely home. Once you get there, it's beautiful. Matt, Pasadena, Sona, Altadena, Conor O'Brien here at the SiriusXM studios right here in the heart of Manhattan. And Matt, you seemed a little stressed. We're all connected via Zoom. You seemed a little stressed when you got on. What's going on in your house that's upsetting you?

If you're watching the video of this, you can see that my office is in pure upheaval because I have these built-in storage benches, and I'm clearing them out for a garage conversion, and there's a live rat in there as we speak.

What do you mean there's a live rat? Is this a pet of yours? What do you mean there's a live rat? No, it's not a pet.

This is an invader. This is a hostile little piece of vermin, and it's big. I don't have any traps, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do other than get on a Zoom with you guys and do some podcast.

Okay, well, when was the last time you actually had eyes on the rat?

About 10 minutes ago. You're kidding. No, and it was here yesterday, too. And I thought, oh, for sure it's gone because if it can get in, it can get out. But it's still in these storage benches. They're built in, so it's encased.

Did you only find this rat because you were cleaning it out? Was it just living there peacefully and you just came I mean, I feel like squatters rights.

Maybe because I think there's been a whole colony here, judging by the rat droppings. Oh, wait, look. Hold on.

Now I'm imagining you opened up this cupboard and it has little rat furniture. It has a little rat couch and a little rat. It's got a little television that it watches.

These are my notes, the Konan podcast notes.

Oh, my God.

That are all chewed up.

It ate the podcast notes and then was turning them into a nest.

Yeah.

That's incredible. The thing is, you realize you can't now go to the hardware store and get a rat trap because we're going to have a lot of listeners that are now worried about the rat. We've made the rat humanlike. It's too late. I've already ordered two rat traps.

No, you can't. They're smart rat traps that alert your phone when you get one.

What is a smart rat trap? The rat goes in and then it has to take an L-S-A-T, and it has to get over 1400 to get out.

I'm scrambling here.

You love that one. Oh, my God. I crack myself up. God, I enjoy Conan O'Brien. He's good. Wait, I'm him. Well, it must be nice. What a treat for me. What a treat for me. Yeah. Well, anyway. Well, Gourly, I'm very sorry about the rat. I honestly don't think you can... You can't kill the rat. You have to catch the rat and release it because- Or should it just become a pet and the mascot of this show?

It should. That's not how it is. I'll bring it to the studio. It is cute.

I don't want a rat. I don't want a rat, Matt. We can't think of anything cooler than a rat.

Oh, please. What about like... We've worked with worse, Sona.

You go to war with the army you got, not the army you want. The wolf.

Can't we be the Conan O'Brien wolves? No.

Were there rats? We're going to make a flag that has this rat on it. He's sitting on a little rat love seat that he has in his little rat house. Yeah, you just Let's catch and release. That's all. You know what I would do? Catch the rat, make sure he's in some cage and has some food, and then drive him the three days to Altadina. Come on. Release him there. He'll never make his way back to Pasadena. What's he going to do? Hitchhike? They won't let him on an airplane. Anyway, I won that round. Hitchhike on an airplane. Yeah, because it's so far. Anyway, pretty good joke. Let's see. It's a stupid joke. I'm giving myself. It's a bad joke. Hey, so we're all in different places, but I think we can unite in the introduction of our guest today. Can we not? Okay. Are you okay, Matt? You were really phoning it in. You just said, as you took a drink from a straw. You were giving about 2% right now, as opposed to your normal 11%. Oh, my God. It's a shocking drop.

I've got a rat in this torn apart office. I've got a whole suite of kitchen appliances that are probably going to arrive while we're recording. I'm wearing pajamas. I'm just not at my best right now.

Also, I'm going to say this, the tone of your voice, have you noticed it, Sona? He sounds like he's about to break.

Yeah, he's on the edge. I hear it, too.

There's a little bit something in the tone of your voice because you're usually so Zen and you sound... This rat has you on the ropes. His rat has broken you.

Because I was down in this bench with my head and hands down there, and then this thing appeared. It's funny. Someone could hand me a pet rat and I'd be fine with it. But an invader like that, you just freak out.

Of Of course, because he didn't introduce himself. You didn't get a chance to meet at the pet store. There was no agreement. Suddenly, the rat's just there. Do you know what I mean?

Did you see it? Did you guys lock eyes?

Yes, I've seen it multiple times. Yes, he's seen it.

I could probably see it now.

He's taunting you.

Oh, my God. It's big. You know what? I bet he listens to the podcast. That's what probably attracted him, is he's a podcast fan.

He ripped up all the notes. I think he hates the You're right.

He hates this podcast so much. He came just to tear up the notes.

He wants to erase it from history.

Yeah. Well, you can't say this rat is wrong. He's a big Rogan rat. That's why. All right, let's get into it. My guest today is a hilarious comedian whose latest special, Jimmy Carr, Natural Born Killer, is now streaming on Netflix. He's also going on a brand new international tour, Jimmy Carr laughs funny, and tickets are available at jimmicar. Com. I really like this gentleman. Jimmy Carr, welcome. You and I have long been enemies. We should just come out with that right now.

I think it's best the listeners, otherwise, they're just going to pick up this weird energy. But yes, we are foes. I'd love to have a nemesis, wouldn't You know what? I want to have- No one's got a nemesis these days.

I want nemesy. I want more than one nemesi.

It feels like you were in a world, though. There was that period of late night where it was possible to have... There were rivals in this late night world. God bless you. Thank you. That you did really have a nemesis. Yes.

Now there's this, I talked to the other late night host. Of course, I got out of that game, but I talked to the other host. You got out of it?

Yes. Well, I mean, you were, Yeah, okay. Let's go with that. If It's your podcast.

When I say got out of it, what I mean was- Shortly after they asked you to leave, you left. They edged me out. They squeezed me out. They said, You're to be out of here within a month or we're coming after you, and we know some bad people. So yes, I was chased- It was an incredible career in Late Night, though, because I remember that thing of reading that book and being really excited about Late Night, because for me, it's so glamorous and so far away.

We read about it, and that idea that you were doing it and you'd be put into this position as as a writer. They suddenly gone, they'd seen something in you and gone incredible.

Something that you don't see that no one's seen since.

It was just a flash for a second. We all saw some-Later, they put their glasses on.

Hang on a second. They put their glasses on later and said, Oh, we're sorry. We thought we saw something in you.

But it's an extraordinary thing because... And then it just... That thing about you thought you were going to go after two weeks, and then it was 30 years later. You're still a huge part of the culture. It's really exciting that.

Well, thank you. I managed you. You backed into a compliment. I love it. Accidentally, you were backing up in a supermarket and you backed into a whole bunch of tomato cans of compliment sauce and toppled them over. But either way, you back into a compliment, and I'll take it, James Aljanon car, We're going with Algianon, yeah. I'm going to keep giving you different middle names. Okay.

That's all going to sound like a stomach issue.

No, but can I say something, Jimmy? You are correct. You're so wise. There was this era where all the late night hosts, we didn't call each other up. We didn't talk to each other. There were very few of us, and everyone had their little fiefdom, and we were constantly peering over our stone walls at each other.

Do you know what I find weird about that?

You're not allowed to talk on your interview.

It's the opposite of stand-up comedy. Allan Havy said this wonderful thing to me. He's an older guy. He was in Mad Med. You might have seen him, gray hair gentleman. Of course, Allan Havy. Very funny man. He's incredible. But he said this thing to me about comedy. He said, We're out for ourselves, but in it together. Yes. That stand-up world of going, You escape competition competition through authenticity. No one else can beat you at being you. And it strikes me that the late night hosts were all the same, and they just couldn't see that. No one had told them, Oh, you can all be friends. There's nothing you can do, the letterman can do, and Jay Leno can't do what you do. And it was such a different skillset. But no one told you that. You could all be friends. You could have gone out for drinks every night.

Yeah, but it wouldn't have happened. The personalities were not such that people would be going out for drinks together. It was a different time, and I won't get into specifics, but it wasn't going to happen. Now, all I hear when I talk to these hosts is we just all went out to a cheesecake factory together and then high five each other and split the bill evenly. And they have a podcast. They did during the strike. They did during the strike. They're all chums. They all hang out together at the same spa and get rubbed downs together, which I find a little suspicious. Only I'm not having it.

Back when you were straight out of Hell's Kitchen, you were carrying a knife at all times.

Yes, I was one of the plug uglies. I was from a dangerous street gang.

How did you get the job? You got jumped in to Late Night, right? Yes. You got jumped in, you had to assault an older host. Yes.

I was walking down the street, mind of my own business, a van pulls up, and a bunch of guys. It really was like they had the little lasers in their Boyo caps. Of course. In their Baker caps. The Peaky Blinders. Peaky Blinders. When they came out and they said, Oh, I had a late night show for you, eh? Don't be mad about my accent.

No, I love the accent. Very accurate. Yes.

Those are my people. We'll give you a nick, and then the next thing you know, I had a late night show.

Someone wants to tell me how to say I'm Irish, obviously, as a UNan. Which I didn't know. In a cultural appropriation way.

You grew up in England, but you- I grew up in England, but I'm first-generation immigrant to England.

My parents were from Limerick, and then they moved to a place called Slough. So there's something about shit towns they very much enjoy. One to another. I got taught recently, though. I got taught by how to do a proper Dublin accent. Oh, you did? Proper Dublin accent by Bono, no less. There's a name drop. Oh, there you go. So you've just got to sound deaf. If you want to sound like you're from the north side Dublin, just sound deaf. Tony. What's the Tony? I can hear you, but it doesn't sound like I can hear you. Then you sound a little bit deaf and that's very north side of Dublin. You're racking me, boss. And also to pick up of my phone, real north side of Dublin, be, Story. No hello, no anything. Story. Story. What's the story?

You know what they also say in Dublin? I was just there. Fair play.

Oh, fair play to you.

Yeah, fair play to you means... I was trying to figure out what means, but you'd say something like anything. I would just say, I thought it was going to rain, but it didn't, so I'll put my umbrella away.

Fair play to you.

Fair play to you. What does that mean?

That's just a filler there. I know.

Everyone's just trying to get to the grave.

Yeah, what else? What? What else can they say?

I want to back up because so far we've talked a lot.

We've covered nothing. We've said nothing.

I feel that that's on me, but also more on you. Jimmy, I want to instruct the listener right now that I had you on my late night program seven times. You did stand up seven times. And had you on a bunch because A, you were available, but B, I adored you. You're terrific. You have a terrific mind. And as you say, there was nobody like you. There is nobody like you. You have a very specific style. Great jokes, like little diamond nuggets, your jokes.

But then- I'll take it.

Your delivery. I always enjoyed your delivery. I knew there was something. No, I loved your delivery because you would deliver the joke, and then your head would slightly retreat, and you'd look around as if you weren't part of what you just said. It had this nice... I mean, I used to try and do you. You'd be on the show, and afterwards, I'd be, for my writers, trying to do Jimmy Carr. I can't, but I'd say something, and then slightly retreat with wide eyes and look around as if you were innocent of what was just said.

My friend, Sean Locke, always used call me on that because I'd say something terrible, like a terrible joke, awful, the worst thing you could think of about a dark subject matter. And then I look at the audience like, What? Why is everyone upset? What? It wasn't me.

What are you looking at? I was in my flat having a bath. Why am I being... I said flat for your sake. Thank you. That's apartment summer. Oh, yeah. Okay, anyway. Thank you.

So I was on the show seven times, and then it was canceled. So we can link those two events.

I was not canceled. What? That's ridiculous. You don't have your facts.

How dare you?

No, you don't have your facts correct. So we can straighten that out later. But no one ever cancels Conan O'Brien.

Is it still on?

Which one? The TBS show? No, no. Well, there you go then. Oh, so you think because my show ended that it was canceled? How dare you? I love it. You love that, Sona?

I love that being the narrative.

All right, well, you know what? I'm just going to go with it. Yeah, you got canceled. Yes. What happened was about two and a half years ago, I think my conduct became very inappropriate on the air. Remember? I did that show.

A lot of people haven't spoken about this openly, but yes, terrible behind it.

We did a theme show where I wasn't wearing any clothes from the waist down.

You were canceled in both ways, the show and as socially as a human.

Yes. Three ways because my wife refuses to even see me now. She looks past me and sees things.

But no, listen- This is how rumors start, by the way.

I know, and this is your fault.

Someone's going to clip this up and go, Do you know he was inappropriate on me?

I did 28 years in late night, and then I gracefully dismounted into this podcast, which you don't clearly seem to be aware. This is massive, this podcast. This is a massive podcast. Tell him.

It's all right.

He deflated you.

You would think more would go into it.

Now, I found that by doing less, you do more. The less you put into something, the more you get. That's what I figured out. I used to work so hard on those early, late night shows. It was clearly I was wrong.

This is the way to go. I'm a big fan of that whole stoic thing of doing less better. Yes. Just do one thing. What are you good at? You're good at talking. What's the podcast? It's just talking. Just talking. It's just that.

They gave me all this information on you. I haven't read it. I'm not even quite-I can't read. Or tell time. That's your shapes to me. I wanted to know as little about you as possible. In fact, I had trouble making you out when I first came in to the-I could tell you anything.

I'm an expert. I know a lot of the trivia.

We're going to have, I swear to God, I'm going to start a linear conversation at some point, and it starts now, and then it's going to last for exactly 40 seconds. I've really enjoyed your stand-up, had you on the show many times, and you've made these programs for Netflix, these stand-up specials. I believe, is this correct, that you were the first?

I think the first UK. First UK comedian. They were just expanding. The incredible thing about Netflix is it really has been... Standup is very new anyway, really, as a medium, and it's a great American medium. If you think about what America has given the world, jazz, the Western stand-up comedy. And stand-up comedy was the last of them. I think you can obviously trace it back to trickster gods back in ancient times. But really, Carlin and Prior are the where most people go to. And then you go, They were John the Baptist, and then everyone since has just been standing on their shoulders. It's a very exciting medium. And then Netflix came along, and thanks to Ted Serandis, and his love of stand-up, it feels like the world now has opened up. I've done 45 countries on the tour. It's incredible. You go anywhere in the world and English has become... I think people speak better English now because of YouTube and Netflix than they ever used to. I've really noticed a difference. It's extraordinary, really. Great time for me in stand-up.

I will tell you that one of the things that I love about streaming is I watch a lot of UK comedians now. I watch comedians actually from all over the world now, but I also watch television shows, mysteries. I'm very used to. I'm very happy to watch shows that aren't even in English.

It is extraordinary that thing happened, which I don't think anyone in media saw coming. No one saw podcasts coming. No one thought podcasts were going to be a huge thing, that there was a gap in the market that people... Because people's attention spans. You talk to most people, they go, People's attention span is getting shorter, and it's all about TikTok. And you go, Yeah, for nonsense, it's shorter, but for good stuff, it's longer. If there's Game of Thrones and it's 60 hours long, you go, Or Breaking Bad. Yeah, great. I'll watch 60 hours of that. I've got a huge attention span for it because it's brilliant. Or a podcast where people are having a long conversation, you feel engaged. It's fantastic.

For all those years that you would come on my show and do stand-up, I loved it, but I never got to know you. What I enjoy so much about this format after doing... I love the other format until, of course, in your vernacular, I was chased out.

But Me Too, let's just call it Me Too. Let's call it Me Too. Great. Let's get that out there, too. Let's call it Me Too and just get it done, get it out there.

Sonja, was it you?

Yeah, it was me.

You're still working Yeah. Well, hey, it's a good living. I talk to every single outlet.

I was like, he's a monster.

He's awful. She's the only person who called in a me too and then continued to work for me and got a raise.

Incredibly hansy. Yeah. He was in the executive They've washed him. Yes, but touching genitals.

In my defense- He's owned, but still. I'm very hansy, but primarily with myself. I'm constantly all over me. That's somehow worse. I've had it with this. I've I had it with this treatment. You've met to it yourself. I got a restraining order against myself. You got an I, too. Yeah. I got I, too. You did panel on the show once, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but we never could have done this.

But isn't that a wonderful thing that you go to? It's a different format, and I think it's more authentic. The great thing about late night, it's such a perfect medium. Again, it's so American. It's so glamorous to me to go on those shows. It's such a privilege to do them. But it's that thing. I'm quite close with James Corden and Ben Winston, who produces him. And you go chatting to those guys, you realize late night talk shows, the whole thing is, let's try not to have a conversation. Let's keep the games going and something else happening rather than actually, you don't want to have a late night discussion program. Whereas these, it's all about conversation. It's really, it's lovely.

Yeah. And what I have found is people come up to me all the time, and not just in the United States, but around the world, and they'll tell me, oh, I was just listening to you on the podcast, and they really have a flavor for my relationship with Sona and with Matt. They can... I mean, I'll hear about this.

They can sense you hold them in contempt. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, absolutely. That comes across. Yes, definitely. Yes. Day one.

Open about it.

Well, please. Come on.

Will you help me?

I don't know how can I. I'm seeing Marc Maron later on. Are you being kept for parts. It feels... Can you smuggle me out of here? It feels like Mark Maron's just got you. You're just holding some kidneys. If anything happens.

He is here because I need a spleen. You know what? He was hired because he's a direct blood match for me. This is basically an organ bag.

I'm just all stem cells.

This is all stem cells. This is my organ bag. And organ bag match Matt, girly. Matt, how are you? How are you feeling, by the way, Matt? I get very upset when he goes out drinking because those are my organs he's fucking with. I'm trying to kill you. Come on. Okay, I must know more about you because I'm curious. A lot of my favorite people in comedy, it's rare that I talk to somebody who I really like, who just knew when they were very young and got started very young. A lot of us, myself included, we were interested in it didn't quite know how to attack it. You were a bit of a late bloomer.

I think, yeah, for comedy, I didn't start comedy until I was about maybe 25, 26. I had a proper job first, which is very useful in show business. I think if you go straight from school into show biz, then it's very difficult to be grateful. It's very difficult to appreciate how great it is and how fun life is just messing around.

And your previous job was working for an oil company.

An oil company, like a big oil company. Yeah, so that was good.

That was good. You've never looked back once.

You're never tempted to go. Yeah, they're still doing great, right? I haven't looked in on them recently, but I imagine they're doing great.

Can I ask you something?

Until Mother Earth says her safe word, we can keep screwing her, right? Is that not right? I don't know much about environmentalism, but I know a thing or two about BDSM, and I'm pretty sure.

I'm picturing now Earth with a ball gag. Until Earth says it's safe word. We're going to take it right up to the line. I think we did that a while ago.

So, yeah, came to it late. I think the thing with comics, I don't know what your go to is. When I meet comics that I've met before, if we're in a car ride or whatever, green room, my question is always, Which of your parents was sick? I always think there's one parent that was either physically or mentally sick, and you had to be the thermostat for mood. And then the pathology of most comedians I know, and most comedians that I love, is they have to be able to change the thermostat of mood in a room. Because really, when you think about what we do in a room is you come in and you change the... We're drug dealers. We're your dopamine and serotonin. Those are the two drugs we're dealing in. So that constant surprise, if you don't quite know where the joke is coming, you know there's a joke, you don't know when, and then the serotonin of the feel good. It's great. And they'll never take me a light because the drugs are already on you.

Right. Sick is a big word. And so I don't know if I'd be prepared to say that in my experience. But what I will say is that there's a sensitivity to wanting everyone in the room be okay, as you say, being the thermostat. So if something's off or if someone's unhappy or if there's any repeated unhappiness that runs along, you want to try and lift that mood. So that's where it's a little bit of a magical trick.

We went serious there, didn't we?

No, no, don't worry. We'll take all that out. After you're gone, I'm going to do 20 minutes of berating you, and that will be inserted. We'll just use defensive tweaks for your voice. People say, Well, Connor really got the best of Jimmy there, didn't he?

If you're interested, the insertion was the reason he was me-toed.

Attempted it. You're 25. That's when you start. And your style is these, as I said, there are comedians that tell stories. They find their way to the laughs here there on their journey. And that is not you.

No, my love language is the one-liner. I'm trying to develop something. In the new special, I'm trying to develop some longer stories because I've got a good fastball, but I don't have much in the bag. I wanted to develop a little bit. So I really made a decision a couple of years ago, try different things. I try different styles, try and mix it, which I've done a little bit. But I was very influenced by Stephen Wright and Emo Phillips and Reva Rudner, and all those great gag to gag comics. I don't know. I think there's something You're wonderful about that. You're not wasting anyone's time.

Oh, my God. You're just knocking out the hits, laugh to laugh. When I was a teenager and seeing Steven Wright and just the jokes, they felt like little jewels. They were dense and they were so smart, and he would just keep handing them out. And you felt like this guy is holding a sack of rubies, and he just keeps taking them out and passing them to the That's how it felt to me.

Yeah, I remember seeing him just being blown away by it. Yeah, the power of his intellect.

And then his delivery was so self-assured and also very much nothing special happening here. I'm just a guy talking. Then these amazing So he influenced you.

Emo Phillips as well, I don't think-Emo, great. Emo, I think, was bigger in the UK in the '80s than he was here. He was quite a big deal. Yeah, he was great. But then I loved all the stuff like Billy Connolly. I love Bill Hicks. But in the end, And your sense of humor chooses you. I think what you laugh at is it's very exposing. And I like dark stuff, and I like short one-liners, and that's what I can go to very easily. But it's weird. If I was making a plan at the beginning of my career, I would have been a storyteller because I only need five ideas to fill an hour. Brilliant. It would have been much more cost-effective. Whereas I'm running about 300 jokes in an hour. It's a lot of work.

Yeah.

Although it's easier to build from Lego than marble. Let's call it what it is.

Also easier to change your mind. You just attach that piece, the yellow piece, and put in the blue piece.

Well, it's a lot of beta testing. In my act, it's a lot of beta, Oh, is that word better than that word? Well, I'll try a different way tonight, different way tonight, different way tonight, trying new stuff all the time. So you're constantly writing.

So now we get to this other issue, which is you do a Netflix special, and unlike 70 years ago, when you could then tour with that act for 15 years on Vodville, or actually, some people would have a really good hour and a half or hour and 15 minutes, and they would tour with it for 50 years because that was their act.

That's an amazing footage of these guys called Morcom and Wise. Yes, I know Morcom and Wise. Uk double act. And it's them at the Croyton Fair Ierfield Halls where I get to play. It's them doing their hour, and they never put it on TV. They were huge TV stars, and they never put it on TV. They just recorded it once. It's like one shot of them doing it, but it's a perfect volvillion hour. It's gorgeous. No, I mean, I As soon as the Netflix thing drops, I've got one day off, and then I start the new tour.

Okay, so this is what's incredible is you do the Netflix thing, and then that's out. Then there's the sense that, is there the sense that I have got to reinvent the wheel now?

But this is the stoic thing, you do it every night. Every night of the tour, at the end of 90 minutes, I pull out a piece of paper from my pocket. I think I've got the one from last night with new jokes written on it, and I try the new jokes. Every night, you try new stuff. At the end of a year, let's say you do 10 jokes a night and half of them work. At the end of the year, you have the new show. Then you retry them and beat a test or whatever, and you're building up, you're building up, you're building up. Then obviously, you do a couple of previews where you put it all in a row and see, does it make sense? Are there too many things that are similar? But it's there.

Do you have jokes that you tell that don't work, but you enjoy them so you keep them in?

No, not much. I'm in the service industry.

Ultimately, we all We all are.

I'm just not sure what the service is here.

We're called Time Wasters Incorporated. We're here to waste an hour of your fucking time, Jimmy. To get you to the grave. But that thing of like the- Every Everyone leaves this podcast calling their representation. What was that? What was that? I'm a busy man.

What a waste of time.

He used to be on the telly. See, I did that for you as well. But now he's on the talkie.

Maybe we should Maybe we should record this at double speed. A lot of people listen at double speed. I think we should start recording in double speed. What was I talking about? Gags? I don't know. So testing. I write some things and I love... I suppose it's that thing, though. The audience is a genius. Lenny Bruce said that first, I think. The audience tell you what is and what isn't funny and what is and what isn't acceptable. You tell the joke, and sometimes the audience just stares back at you and it's nothing. It's very rare you can rescue one of those. Sometimes you tell a joke and it just gets a laugh. It's being It's material. It's nothing. It's never going to make it onto a special or into a tour. It's fine. It's joke-shaped, but nothing special. If you really love it, then you go away and you change it and you change it and you change it until eventually it gets a big laugh. But then it's a different joke. But somehow you feel like, Oh, it's connected to the thing I love.I.

Knew there was something there.

Sometimes it comes back years later. Sometimes it's part of a bigger routine. It's a weird thing when you do wordplay or puns or something, if you just do one, it's okay. If you do two, fine. If you do three, it's an applause break. If you do three in a row because it's a feat. So sometimes it's like putting those things together where you've thought of it, it's fine, but actually together with something else, it will work.

You have to be cognizant of so much material when you're doing your act. Do you ever find yourself not knowing? I don't know which one goes here, because if you say if you do 300 jokes and you're at number 211-I'll tell you what the killer is, two shows a night.

The killer is two shows a night because halfway through the second show and someone's just heckled, then you've dealt with that, and then you go, How am I talking about? Where are we? I can't remember what city I'm in, never mind what joke I'm on. I would say four seconds of panic is a lifetime. Then obviously, you remember. You're always fine, but there's a moment of, I don't know.

Anyway, it's strange because it almost feels like something you need Einstein to explain. But if you're on stage, I know exactly where I was. I was at the Beacon Theater because I was just back there. This was a number of years ago. I was talking, and then at one point, and things were going great, but At one point, I absolutely forgot not only where I was in my act, but why I was, who I was, am I dressed? I mean, everything just went away, and I remember-This is your DMT story. Yeah, exactly.

Why did I lick the back of a frog before walking on stage? What was I thinking? That's not my pre-show ritual.

I thought I'd try a new ritual. I didn't know it was that frog. And so you almost feel like you've drifted out of your body But then you realize, I can't. There's so many people here watching. There's 2,000 people here watching, whatever it is. I need to get back in there and figure this shit out. So you go through this whole journey and you do it. And then I realized later on, if you were watching in the audience, you're watching three seconds. But to me, it felt like this journey to get back into myself.

It's interesting that thing. It's a lovely experience as well to be on stage and to be that present. You sometimes have a moment like that, but it's It's interesting that thing of it's a very unique experience always being on stage. I do a lot of dates on the tour, and people go, You get bored of it or whatever. But it always feels different. You get to travel, you get to go to different places, the different audience. It feels different every show. It's like a unique experience. I always think people don't want more time. They want more memories.

Yes.

And actually doing this job, you meet interesting people, you chat to interesting people. It's always a bit different. It's good for that, I think.

Have you found, because you're How much you travel widely, you tour widely, have you found a place where you felt, Yeah, it doesn't work for me here, or it's not the Jimmy Carr sensibility doesn't work here, or have you found that it's completely universal?

Pretty universal in terms of, I think people that come and see me, it's self-selecting. Self-selecting. So very few people would come and buy a ticket to my show and go, Oh my God, he's very rude, isn't he? Why is he so rude? Why is there so much filth in this? Why is he talking about all the worst things? Why can he be nice? He He's got no singing voice. This is awful. At this point, they've done a little bit of a Google and come along. I always think a good proportion of my income, I should be very grateful for this, but a good proportion is people that have been dragged along by their other half. I don't know what percentage. I don't know, but there's a percentage of my audience every night that are, Okay, I guess we went to the game on Saturday, so we're doing this for you now. Fine. Fine. No, he's fine. No, I really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed it. It could have been shorter. You know what I don't?

I must be get haunted by this, but people always overshare. I'm very fortunate to have many people tell me that they really enjoy my nonsense. But invariably, there's some proportion of those people who say, I mean, my wife, not a fan. Of course, I'm intrigued. I want to talk to her. I don't want to talk to the guy that likes I'm more interested in talking to the person who's not- I talk to the person that doesn't like me a lot because they come up to me in the street constantly, a stream of people.

Can I get a photo with you? My mom really likes you. My brother really likes you. My cousin is a huge fan. It's never them. I've never met anyone who's a fan of me. It's always someone in an airport going, Can I get a picture with you? Apparently, you're famous.

Come here.

Well, if I have to explain I'm famous, then I guess I'm not. I'm fine with that. You came up to me.

But at least they don't I'll tell you they actively dislike you. Those are the people I'm interested in. I want to talk to them. Matt, let's talk. Let me get my notes out. Then you pull out a giant tome of reasons I hate Konan. We live, obviously, in a very sensitive era, and this has not deterred you in any way. You like to walk that line. I don't know if that's intentional, but- It's just my sense of humor. It's your sense of humor.

I still only think it's that thing where you go, if you think about friendship, what is friendship? It's someone you talk to with no filter. That's your best friend is a person with the least amount of filter. And work colleagues like these guys. A huge filter, right?

Actually, shockingly, no. There's really no filter here. I don't know. I don't think we-Sona, I don't think Sona and I have any filter. No, no. We've known each other many years.

That thing, though, that's how I gage friendship. And I think with stand-up comedy, you go, when the audience comes to see you, you're acting like a friend. So there's different ways to do that. There's some people that are incredibly open, unhonest about their lives just let you in. That's one way to demonstrate friendship. But some people just say anything they think is funny, and they don't think, Oh, maybe the audience won't be able to get this. Maybe they won't understand it's a joke. I like to just go, Well, this is what I think is hilarious. It's a weird thing. I think comedians are showbiz adjacent. A friend said this to me recently, You know Robbie Williams, the singer? A really nice guy. And he said, I'm an entertainer in the true sense. If you don't love me, I don't love me, which I found heartbreaking. I thought, Well, comedians We haven't got that. Comedians are like, We desperately, desperately want to be loved entirely on our own terms. It's that weird thing if you go, I'm going to say this unsayable thing. The cancel culture thing is like, it's very fun for journalists to write about, but it's not real, is it?

All the biggest comics in the world are saying outrageous things, but it's just that thing that comedy has a role to play. That's what it's meant to do, I think. And whether it's pushing it in terms of subject matter or level of intimacy or you can talk about, that Overton window of what you can and can't talk about shifts through time. Actually, there's stuff like my outrageous jokes, but there's also people opening up about their lives. You're using Marc Maron, Hannah Gadsby, and people talking about their experiences. And that's another way it's opening up and expanding. So I don't know. I think it's a problem.

I've had people approach me on the street, actually not too far from our studio here, literally like a block. Someone rode up to me on a bicycle, and he was lamenting, and he wanted to I think, connect with me. He's just like, Man, Cohnan, isn't it tough? The cancel culture. Guys like you, you can't say anything anymore. I thought, That's just not true. I don't believe that's true. No. I don't feel that There's things that I want to say that I can't say.

There's a weird thing going on, though, where there's a little bit of... In the wider world outside of comedy, there is a thing, there's preference falsification going on now.

Say that again.

Preference falsification?

It just sounded pretty. I just wanted to hear it. You know what I mean? I don't know what you mean by preference falsification.

If you look at opinion polls now, they don't work as well as they did 10 years ago. There's a thing where people know what the right thing to say is. But cancel culture, there's nothing from above. There's no authoritarian leader telling us what we can and can't say. Really, you look at the world now and you go, The basket of things that you cannot say is so much smaller than it was 20 years ago. It was a blasphemy. You look at George Carlin, 7 Things You Couldn't Say on TV. You can say anything now. It's open. The The issue now is self-censorship, is the idea that people feel like, Well, I don't want to say the thing. So I think there's a cathartic element to come and see a comedy show because you go, Oh, this guy, this guy doesn't seem to give a fuck. He's saying whatever he wants. And I think it engenders, I think people have very interesting conversations afterwards where they feel a bit looser. I think with all comedy shows, actually, it doesn't matter whether edgy, not edgy, it doesn't really make any odds. I think it's just it puts people in a state of, Okay, this is fun.

We can laugh at stuff.

I think if someone's being intelligent and honest, and they've crafted their work. I don't know what subject they can't bring up. I may not like all of it, but it feels to me that I more prefer, I think a lot of it is, do I trust the person who's up here talking? Are they intelligent? Do they, in general, like humanity or inclined to like humanity somewhat? Do they have antipathy? Are they malicious?

What's the intention? Let's face facts. Intention and context mean a lot. There's a big difference between being homeless and camping. But you can do a journalistic article where you pretend you don't realize that and just say, Well, he said this thing. This is a statement, a statement of fact, rather than realizing it was a joke and the audience laughed and they all knew people laugh at the wrong thing because they know what the right thing is. Yeah, it's interesting. My theory is comedians leak. I think they leak. I think you watch someone do one-liners for an hour, and really, I've said nothing about myself and given everything away. People know who I am. They have a sense of, Okay, that's fine. It's that equal opportunities offender thing of just going, Well, if I hit everyone, then no one feels like they're being got. But I don't even agree with the language that sometimes use, that idea of punching down. People, you're punching down. You go, Sorry, you think there's people below me? What? What now? I'll stop you there. Who's below me then? Who? No, give me the list. Who's below me? I mean, obviously, I'm a the cis-heterosexual male.

So who's under me in your hierarchy of humans?

It's nonsense. How much do you credit your Irishness, your UK-ness? I know that you were much more Irish than I had known.

I carry an Irish passport. I would credit my mother was a very funny woman and had very little filter. She would have been seen as... I think a lot of people would think she was embarrassing. I was never embarrassed by anything. I think I had the vaccine for that early on of just so much embarrassment, bulletproof. I liked that thing of she was able to change. She was also depressive and very down and just this wonderful character. And I think that thing of it's a specific person that you go, okay, so that thing that she had a very different sense of humor, but being able to do that. I don't know whether that's linked to Irishness. I don't know. I I suppose.

It's funny. I bring it up just because I, obviously, in my house growing up, that was you get out of jail free card from any feelings of anxiety, restraint, the mood here isn't great. Anything that would happen in any household, the get out of jail free card was, I used to call it, if you could run the table, if we would sit at the kitchen table and I could get something going, and then everyone's laughing, and I get on a roll and I can see that I'm getting everybody, that to me was your sprung. It's just this way to... And you can almost talk about anything you can talk about. In a way, you can allude to things that were taboo at the table. I thought, used to think there might be something a little Irish here because it's such a Catholic culture, it's such a repressed culture that I'm able to touch on things. And then I saw the same thing with a lot of my Jewish friends, that it worked the same way in their culture. I think that there were ways that they could, I don't know, it was a jail break.

They could get out of the tension in the room by being outrageously funny.

Yeah. I think that's just true. I think there is something about that. It's those things as well with any big family unit, anything where the tribe is more important than the individual. It's that thing of you can stand out because we all desperately want to fit in And then we desperately want to stand out.

And in Irish culture, you are not supposed to stand out because then you're.

That's a very British thing of the tall puppy.

Yeah, the tall puppy. And it's a UK thing in general, which is, oh, who do you think you are? Oh, so you think you're Jimmy Carr, do you? And look at you with your nice suit and your sold out shows and your popular Netflix specials. Must be nice.

It's a weird thing. The Must be nice thing is the... It's interesting, though, because people People want what you've got, but they never want to do what you had to do to get it. So the thing of chatting there about childhoods and the pathology that goes into being a comedian and thinking about this all the time, it's an odd pathology. There's There's this odd thing going on there. When you spoke earlier about you wouldn't say either your parents was sick, it seems to betray a... There's something going on there. There was something in the house. There's always something. There's always a reason to get into this. I don't think well-balanced people feel that they need to do this.

I've said this maybe 100 times on this podcast, but I will keep saying it because it bears repeating. My father is a very smart, very highly educated scientist in medicine. He looked at me once and said, Oh, I understand. You're making your living off of something that should probably be treated. And he wasn't making a joke. He was saying, I see now you... And basically then... Sorry, my father said that.

I'm not a I feel like. You've said this before on the show and they've done nothing to help you. We laughed. No, we laughed a lot. They haven't reached out.

But his father's not helping.

His father's very right. His father is correct. Nothing's not helping.

We laughed a lot. But, Jimmy, I will tell.

You're just encouraging him. He needs a hug is what he needs.

No, this is how we make our money. Yeah.

Dance, monkey. Don't kill the magic bird. We don't want him to get treated. He makes the golden eggs. But my father then went on to explain how synapses work, but how If there's a misfiring synapse that creates an error, but people find that error funny, then you can make your living off of that. I listened to this for quite a while and wasn't upset. Was just like, The old man's on to something. Anyway. I had a great chat once with Robert Dunbar.

Do you know Robert Dunbar? I do not. The Dunbar number is like the number of people in a friendship group, often gets quoted because of social media. Gorillas have a Dunbar number of about 60. They get to a pod of, I think it's a pod with gorillas, about 60, and then they go, Well, we can't groom each other anymore. Number 65 goes, I don't even know these guys. They never pick any knits out of my hair. Come on, let's start a new pod. And they start a new pod. And 60 is a good number, but you don't get to specialization with 60. So why did we develop beyond 60? Well, we got to 150. That's the Dunbar number for 100,000 years. So we got to this bigger group, and the reason we were able to do that was remote grooming. And remote grooming was laughter. Lafter predates language by about a million years. It's a different part of the throat that developed much earlier. So it's a weird thing that the importance of what comedy brings can't be overstated. I think your father was being mean, but I think he was onto something. I think there is...

It's a weird thing about that. How dare you talk about my father that way.

But when you...

He's a saint. When you...

When you think about it, though, it's that thing of the ha-ha and the aha moment. What does comedy reward? Linguistic ability and pattern recognition. It's all of the good things. It's all of the things that make it. And pattern recognition is basically the skill of humanity. It's the incredible thing we work together. Then this idea of specialization through larger groups, through this development of language. It's an incredibly important thing.

You just made me realize that the title of this podcast is, Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend, and that essentially what I'm doing is taking this modern technology, and I had increased the pod through television, but then tried to specialize and take this technology and say, I want to make this podcast, but you use the word pod as in your friend group. I'm trying to make this friend group. Humans should have 150 friends, and I'm trying to get to like 150 billion because it's never enough. It's never enough.

150 billion.

Yes. We have to go to other planets.

Yeah, we got a ways to go. We got to go to other planets. It's the beginning of infinity, isn't it?

Jimmy, I have taken more time than I intended to, and I apologize for that, but I'm not sorry because, sorry, not sorry, as they say in our culture because it's been lovely talking to you. Seriously.

It's really interesting doing this as opposed to coming on the show because I was always so excited to come on your show. I mean, it was such a big deal. You just fly over and it was so glamorous and fun to do. It's such a privilege to go and do that. Thank you, sir. I'm so grateful for those times.

Well, you were always such a perfect comic and such an original voice.

Is this the longest a podcast has gone without a mention of Four Square?

Four Square? You've got the wrong podcast, buddy.

You've got the wrong decade.

Who are we sponsored by? Who are we shilling? We have somebody. Who are we shilling?

Let's chill something. Okay. Well, basically- We do our ads separately in January.

Yeah.

Jimmy, everyone wants in on this podcast. It's a big podcast. We seem to refuse that. But we got a lot of huge sponsors. Blackwater is behind us now. Oh, no. Blackwater, the defense industry, the people that are coming up with a better landmine. That's us.

It's really the best.

We're huge in the defense industry. And also fracking. Fracking is big with this podcast. I didn't know of this. Oh, you pretended not to know. You can keep buying your fancy earrings with turquoise.

Now, what about the Are the cobalt people involved?

We're after the cobalt people. Yeah. Somehow just the concept of gerrymandering advertises on this podcast. It's really strange.

You would have been a tremendous gerrymandra.

You really missed your calling.

He's right.

You could listen.

Yeah. Actually, that would maybe be a better title, The Jerrymander.

In the same vein, just the concept of greed and ill will are sponsors of this podcast. That's right. The seven sins. We're sponsored by Seven Deadly Sins. Jimmy has a special on Netflix, which I have not seen yet. It has not been made available to me, which I'm very bitter about because- I spoke to the people at Netflix and they said, It's $19 a month and you have to just pay. Fuck that. No, that's money out of my children's mouth because my children eat $20 bills. Jimmy Carr, Natural Born Killers is streaming- Natural Born killer for I've never heard of Natural Natural Born Killers.

I don't know what you could mean. I called it Natural Born killer, so that's a different thing. I'm sorry. So if Mr. Tarantino is watching, I don't know what you're talking about.

I think it was Oliver Stone. Well, he wrote it. Oliver Stone wrote it.

No, Tarantino wrote it.

Tarantino wrote Oliver Stone. Oliver Stone directed it. Okay, so we're all right and we're all wrong. No. No, just me. Jimmy Carr, Natural Born Killer, no S at the end, is now streaming on Netflix, and I'm going to watching it because-If it's made available to you.

Let's see.

No, I'm going to watch it at a friend's house.

Through the window.

I am not- That's you? That's me. I'm always asking you, When are you going to watch Jimmy Carr's latest special? You always say, I don't know, tonight at 9:00. Why do you ask? Nothing. And then you hear a rustling outside your house.

Can I just make a public service announcement? I would recommend you watch my Netflix special, Jimmy Carr, Natural Born killer on Netflix, but close the curtains.

Oh, I have a little stick.

Draw your blinds.

I have a little stick that parts the curtains. Creeps like me have those.

I don't have windows, just blinds.

I have one of those. It's like a Warner Brothers cartoon. I can make a little suction hole by drilling on the wall. Jimmy, thank you so much for making the time and continued success to you, sir.

You deserve it. It was a pleasure talking to you. Absolutely pleasure. Thank you so much for having me on.

Thank you. No one will ever hear this. This one is just going right in the bin.

In the vault.

We throw every third one away.

Sorry, you just landed on the thing. Just because we can. It's the thing. We've had some amazing third guests. Then Tom Cruise, Amazing Revelation, it was the third guest that week, and we threw him out. It's for the best. All right, well, I am in New York right now, but still able to talk to my good pals. Matt Gourly, Sonoma Sessian, through The Magic of Technology. You guys are in Los Angeles. I'm here in New York. I'm in New York because I'm doing promotion for Conor O'Brien Must Go, the show that was born out of the podcast, and I'm very excited about it. So went on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night. I don't know if you guys saw it, but I gave you two a shout out on television, real television.

I I wasn't going to watch it, but then you said you gave us a shout out, and so that's why I watched it.

Yeah, same.

I just watched that two seconds.

He watched this the two seconds.

I had Amanda queue it up for me.

Yeah, we just forwarded.

Gourly didn't even listen to me mention Sona. He cut it down to just Matt Gourly and then cut out the Sona part.

Yeah, it's my new green tone.

Yeah. No, I had an absolute blast, and it was fun. I was curious how I would feel seeing that sixth floor again because that was such a big part of my life when I did The Late Night Show for 16 years and hadn't been there in so long. Jimmy's studio is 6B. Mine was 6A. That's where Letterman's show took place. That's where we did our show for 16 years, and Jimmy's across the hall in 6B. It was just going right back home again. I just liked being there. I enjoyed it. It felt good. I I was thinking, Am I going to feel... Am I going to get in my head about going back to this place that has so many strong memories? I just immediately felt at home and happy to be there. The Tonight Show staff could not have been nicer. It was really a good time.

People seem really excited to see you, which was nice.

You got a big standing ovation, right?

Yes. I made it clear before the show that everyone who stands will get $15,000.

Oh, I'll stand. Can I stand now?

It's too late.

I I've been standing for this whole segment.

That was just for that studio audience.

That's $130,000.

No, it was just for that studio audience. Then it's a little controversial, I left without paying anyone. Oh, no. Yeah, and they're furious. The whole audience is enraged. They're looking for me. They found out where I'm staying at my hotel, so I had to flee through the basement. But no, it was nice. It was very nice. I had a great time. I'm enjoying being in New York. I like walking around. People are very friendly. So Donna, I know you get freaked out when you come to New York just because you're not a New Yorker.

I'm not, but I am jealous you got to see our friend Questlove at the Tonight Show, who is probably listening right now to this podcast.

Questlove is a loyal listener to the podcast, and of course, it was a thrill. They played my old theme when I came out. Roots, such an amazing band. To hear them play that theme was magical. To be in the room with those guys when they're their thing is an incredible treat. Then Questlove is working on a project that he asked me to help him with afterwards. I got to spend a little more time with him, and he such a delightful hang. He knows everything about everything. You could tell that from his podcast appearance. He knows everything about television and music and pop culture, and it's all connected in his mind in this incredible way. It's fantastic.

Yeah, he's a lovely guy. I just want to let his brain pour all over me.

Okay, that's disgusting.

Okay, why would you say that? That's a weird That's a good thing to say.

No, that would kill Questlove if his brain was taken from his skull and crumbled over you. No, I'm not. Questlove, if you're listening, I want you alive and well, and I'm sorry about what Matt said. Matt wants He wants you dead, Questlove. He wants your mind crushed and crumbled over his body.

I want his brain liquefied and just poured over me.

Oh, so Quesler is going to survive that?

That's on him. I don't know. I can't guarantee.

It's up to him to survive it. Yeah, I can't guarantee that.

It's not my business.

I'm a stupid judge, and I find you innocent, Matt Gauley.

I did it.

This judge finds that you were just trying to compliment Questlove.

And now a sip of It's Quest Love's brain.

That's nice. It's nice you're over there. Every time I go to New York with you, people are really excited to see you. It's like you come home, even though that's not your home home.

I'm from Boston, which is supposed to be the storied, hated rival of New York. But New Yorkers seem to give me a pass on that. As long as I don't wear a Red Sox cap, they let me slide. But it's been very nice and been walking around town with David Hopping. Going to give David Hopping a shout out. He's fun because he doesn't... He's from Carlinville, Illinois, and it is a very small, small town. Every time we go to New York, you can see he's looking up at the buildings, and he's looking at the fact that- He's never seen a building before.

He's probably been there 30 times.

I know. Still, he never gets over it, and he marvels that there's a sewage system and hot and cold running water. It's fun because he has such a different experience that when he comes to New York, it's fun to see it through his eyes. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I get it.

He thought you had to pay to take an elevator like it was a ride at Disneyland, and I said, no, you It's not a ride. It's not Mr. Toad's wild ride. That's a good one. Yeah, he's with me right now. David, why don't you come over here and just say a quick hello? You just listened to me describe you as the ultimate hick. How do you feel about that? That's fine. You're fine with it? You're having a good time while you're here so far? I have a great time, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Really fun. Okay. I did. I did go back over here. Incredible. Hi, David. As you can see, he's just bowled over by his experience here. He's monosyllabic. He looked exactly the same. I know.

He's got a latte. He looks like a New Yorker.

I know what made David's life last night, which is David and I got back to the hotel who is sitting over in the corner, but Kaylee Cuoco, who has been a guest on our-Oh. She's such a fantastic person. She just is as nice a person as you could imagine and really funny. I go over and I sit down with her and David's with me, and David is just mesmerized. Then you tell her that you're an insane Kaylee Cuoco fan. Yeah, I am a big fan. The microphone is what you're talking to. I told her I'm a big fan. Okay. I don't know what your problem is. You're allowed to say more than one. I don't have a gun on you right now. What is your problem? He took a photo with Kaylee and he told her that he's just a massive fan. I could see Kaylee nervous. I don't think she was nervous. Then I called security and I had David taken away. Then I had you beaten. None of that. There's nothing. Okay, that didn't happen. That's okay. No. You don't believe him. Okay, well, that's good improv. Good denying. Good job, David. That didn't happen.

Can we have a volunteer from the audience? Okay, we're in a candy store. No, we're not. Anyway, we saw Kaylee Cuoco. I think that's exciting. I've seen so many... I get excited when I see as celebrities, and my life has been interviewing them. But when I'm somewhere and I see someone from television, I'm like, Gosh, they're on TV.

Who's the most excited person you've ever met? Wait, let me rephrase that. Wait, what?

The most excited? Who have you been most excited to see? Thank you.

Yes.

I feel like the answer to that is your friend Eric Reif.

Yeah, my college roommate Eric Reif. When I get together with him, we have the most obscure interests. We walk around Central Park and we lecture each other about Lyndon Johnson's press secretary. It's the most obscure argument that you can imagine.

I got to go Kaylee Cuoco. I got to go talk about Eisenhower's second term with my friend Eric.

This sounds pretty good. She's like, Yeah, Konan, do you want to maybe get dinner or something? I can't. I've got to go hang out with my college roommate because we're going to talk about Dwight Eisenhower's third stroke in the White House. He dribbled for three days before he came back around. Yeah. Everyone's coming, Konan.

Everyone's going to be there. It's going to be the coolest dinner party ever.

Yeah, Kaylee Cuoco is like, I'm telling you All the big stars are going to be there. All these very cool, attractive stars want to meet you and hang out with you. I can't. I got to go see my college roommate. We just found out some new facts about Rutherford B. Hayes. His foreign policy is not what you think it was, Kaylee. Anyway, my eternal love to Kaylee Cuoco for being so cool to run into. Yeah, let's get into it. We've got to get on with the show. We've got more to do.

This is the last part of the show, Konan. This is not an intro.

You know what? I never listen to this piece of shit, so why would I know where it goes? Anyway, all I wanted to do was get it out there. Kaylee Cuoco seemed happy to see me, and that's a huge deal in my book. Mission accomplished. Mission accomplished.

And cue credits. Konan O'Brien needs a friend. With Konan O'Brien, Sonam Ofsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, nick Leau, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at EarWolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy. Our Supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our Associate Talent producer is Jennifer Samples. Engineering and Mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brenda Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnik. Talent Booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.