Hi, my name is Kaley Cuoco, and I feel guilty about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
Back to school, ring the bell. Brand new shoes, walking loose the fence books, and I can do anything. I going to let me go. Hello, welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend, or as it's written on all the sheets that I have, someone here started putting just Conemaugh and a F that's the acronym for Conan O'Brien needs a friend.
I know what it is now, but I don't like it. It's not a good acronym because every time I see it on a sheet of paper, it's like Conan is fuck is what it looks like to me.
And so I swear to God, I see it all the time and I'm like, what's Conemaugh?
Well, also the initials you like to use or COLB, right? Not CEO. Yeah, I know I've never been CEO, so when I see Conemaugh it just sounds like some skater punk really likes the podcast. It's like Conan as fuck.
And then he goes down a railing on his on his skateboard and it's what do they call their skateboards. Their platforms.
I have no idea. What do they call them.
Disney must have a cool word for their teens. But you know more than we do. I don't know. It's not a platform. Girls do you know.
But Koenen you truly are koenen as fuck.
No, no, no. I'm sure I'm wrong. The fact don't give me props for being right. We're going to get a lot of hate mail now. Hate mail. Get on board. Yeah.
No one gets on their platforms.
I don't know I'm buying it. I kind of maybe you should coin it. I think that works. All right.
Yeah. Platform it just really rolls off the tongue. Debro Let's grab our platforms and hit the ramp. The ramp. I don't know. Pipe. Right. I don't know. I don't know the big you. I've never been I'm the last person in the world that could ever get on a skateboard because of my high center of gravity.
I can't even picture you on a skateboard.
No, I'd like to be like putting a giraffe on, like one of those moving little coal carts, you know, putting it for a long, spindly legs into a little iron ore coal cart and shoving it down a hill.
It's exactly what it would be like.
So anyway, you've probably figured out right now that this is Conan O'Brien needs a friend or Conan is fuck.
And sorry if your children are listening with you in the car, but you should know better by now. I'm joined by the son of session who just luxuriant Lee lathered her hands with. What exactly is that?
An old family recipe? What is that?
It's hand lotion. I know. I'm just curious what it is. Oh, it's O'Keeffe's working hand in hand lotion.
O'Keeffe's, OK, I just like the Irish. One thing we have skin gets try to make hand lotion and beer. Those are the two things we know how to do. It's good. All right. Well thank you. Moisturized. I have not been doing it and I have the hands of a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Yeah.
After it was dug up eight billion years later, I have gnarled claws. Have you ever noticed this that hands always give away? I've noticed this. And Matt Gawley joining us as well. Hello, Matt. Hi, guys. I've noticed this and I'm wondering if you noticed it, too. And I don't mean to be cruel, but the hands are the one thing that don't lie.
So over the years, I've had many celebrities on, and I swear to God, I mean, I thought, like, wow, this celebrity looks really good and I'm talking to them in person. Yeah. And they they look very attractive and and they're you know, I was like, wow, I thought they were older because they thought they'd been around a long time.
But there must be much younger than I thought. And then they raised their hand to scratch their face or something. Oh.
And suddenly a turki's claw comes up and and and you're like, oh yeah.
And it's some beautiful iconic woman or some amazing guy, like some A-list actor. And they're talking to him. They're like, if you don't mind, I'm just going to take a life saver right now.
And then suddenly a mummy's gruesome MIT, freshly extracted from the tomb, rises up and it's holding a pineapple lifesaver and the celebrity goes and then the market goes back down again. And for a second, all is revealed that there really thousands of years old and they've been raised by some incantation to leave the pyramid and stock the living to feast upon their flesh.
Oh, anyway, I'm one of those people. I think I'm a fairly youthful fellow. Yeah. And then I sometimes look down at my hands and I'm horrified because I don't moisturize at all.
Do you want some lotion? I don't want to and I'm not going to use O'Keeffe's. I happen to know the O'Keeffe's and they're they're a bunch of assholes. They grew up next door to the OK. And there is like what scam can we work next? Well, let's take this site off the ground and pretend it's hand lotion, oil market hit and some idiot will buy it. Oh, so I know I'll look down occasionally at my hand and I it really does look like a lab skeleton with a wedding ring on.
Oh. So I'm absolute. You can't the hands don't lie. That's the message. You think you can get a fake hand left hand lift.
I don't think there is a. And lift, you know what I think they should market is mittens that look like a younger hand. Oh, you know, so you just put mittens on and it's actually like a photograph of a much younger person's hand. But I mean, they notice that the fingers have no articulation, that their fingers are always close, but still details are fake.
Yeah, whatever. Who cares? You have a nail stick on on top. Occasionally they pop off, but you can also eat them. They're made of little hard candy.
What does it make? And someone sees you with hay on his hands. Look really good. And then I take off a nail and I start chewing it and it's really marzipan someone market that I want to sell. That's a great idea. Someone market that hands be young, I'd call it hands be young and you just freeze mittens you put on it so it stops at your wrist. Or do you put it all? Is it along stops at your wrist.
Is it photorealistic. Yes. Photorealism we should do that as Mirch for this show. But it's your hands that people can get. Yeah. That's a great idea girls.
Yeah. Do you want my freckled gnarled hands fresh from the grave, by the way? That's the most horrifying thing I could think of. No, no. I just you know, I'm trying to help people out because that's what I've noticed. People ask me, Koenen, what's the one thing you've learned? After twenty eight years of interviewing some of the biggest celebrities in the world day in and day out, the hands don't lie.
You know, that should be the name of your memoir. People shouldn't say talk to the hand because the hand deceives. No, wait. That's not right now. That's right.
What? That's why people say talk to the hand because you'll get the truth. Yes.
No, that's not what I talk to the hand means. No, it does now though. Talk to the hand is like talk to the hand.
Like don't talk to my face because it's not work. I know. But in my meeting I've talked to the hand.
It would be koenen. You look quite useful. Oh yeah. Talk to the hand and then I raise my hand and suddenly they see. Well basically you ever seen someone who's from like nine hundred years ago and they died in a tar pit. They fell into it nine hundred years ago. Well hunting a rat and then they dig them up and there's still some skin on their hand but they spent nine hundred years in a bog. That's my hand. That's my hand.
Well, you know, the thing is, though, what you can do to help that is moisturize. And I've given you the option to moisturize and you're discriminating against the hand lotion. Well, I'm not going to use O'Keeffe's. What the hell? I'd look to the Irish for Guinness and for knit caps. Nothing else. I really did Irish if the Irish made a car hood. Oh, did you hear? There's a new there's a new car on the market.
It's called McMullen's. No one's going to buy that car. Oh, there's a new type of surgery that they can do on your eye. Oh yeah. What's it called. Oh, it's called. Oh man. Milanes eye surgeon. No, I don't want that surgery. The Irish Irish names don't inspire trust unless it's Guinness or a really good tweed cap.
Oh, you know, in my heart they say I have a problem with my heart valve. Oh, yeah. Are you going to get an operation? You're going to get a bypass. You're going to. Yeah, I'm going to. Thinking of getting one. There's a new procedure they have.
It's called Shame. It's Nick Murphy's round about time and twisty. Oh, I don't want that heart surgery. How many times is it work?
It's to never work with. But you die. Everyone dies on the table. But it's a fine procedure anyway.
We can't waste any more time. We've got a fantastic guest today. Yes. Guest who's actually here in person. Yes. And this is so nice that she's here in person because as you know, during these times, these covid times, we we talk to a lot of people remotely. And it's been really good. It's been fun. We've been having a blast, but it's it's just extra special and nice. And I really do. I'm just very grateful that she could be here in person.
We've both been very safe. She's here. My guest today start as penny for twelve seasons in the hit CBS series The Big Bang Theory. Now you can see her in the new HBO series, The Flight Attendant.
Kaley Cuoco, welcome. Was that a giddy noise or just, oh, my God. That's the only expression that could be so many different noises. That was me being giddy. That's you being giddy. I am giddy, too, because we've been doing so many of these over zoom because of the pandemic. Yes. And then we heard that you were willing to use that. You said you'd be willing to come in and speak to me in person, which very few women are even before the pandemic.
Well, I have a full team of security waiting in the car. Good. Yes. Like I just said, you know what? I'm going to give this a chance. And I really just wanted to see Sona, to be honest. I make no, I'm sorry. And Magali, I feel like I know you guys and I wish you guys were in the room with us right now. Koenen, I'm excited to see you, but I'm really excited about your team.
OK, well I love you already. You look right back at us and we're going to edit this all out because the sound quality I told is inferior. Everybody is getting a sign from our engineer that the sound quality on those compliments shown in Gallie are clear. Yeah, no, Conan, if you want to take forty five minutes or so and just take a break. We got this cut in when I walked in said that he had allotted six hours for this.
Is that, is that what you guys normally hear. Yes, exactly. When they said I'm having an Italian meal sent in a Thai meal sent in for hours after that. Wow. Yes. International. Yes. Yes. I just want us to experience different cuisines. We're going to have a flight of wines. We're going to start with, you know, so I adore you. But also the fact that you're here in person, the Zoome of it all is is just is so difficult at the same time.
Yeah. And we're here now. We are separated. I just want to show everybody by what looks to be the spit guard from a Sizzler restaurant, like it protects the salad. They put up this big. I remember that. Yeah. Sizzla. Yes, I do remember that. My mom used to take me there after audition's to learn. That was our special. You know, when I first came. This is when I first came. This is probably before you were born, Kelly.
But when I first came out to Los Angeles, I graduated college. I came out to Los Angeles with my writing partner, Greg Daniels, and we were just these two single guys that didn't know anything. And we thought that it was so cool to go to the Sizzler. And I remember saying, you get your own tray and then you put it. And I remember telling people back home, we eat at the Sizzler because I didn't eat out when I was growing up.
And so I was bragging to people and I may have tried to take a date to the Sizzler, which may explain eleven years of celibacy. They had they used to have I used to get excited because they had like an ice cream. You could do the swirl there. Like you go up to the ice cream, joshin and get the swirl right at the Sizzler, at this sizzler.
You know what? Someday when this is all over, Kelly, I'm taking you to the system. I love that. I'll get a I'll get a pass or my wife will get a pass from your husband. I love that you go to Sizzler. No monkey business. I will hold onto your tray for you. I will handle both trays and we will go to the Sizzler. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. No, I, I'm I'm thrilled.
Thrilled that you're here. I mean, we had a great zoom interview. We did. And you wore a nightgown. I did. And then I begged you if I could come on your podcast. I think I pressured you. It didn't need any pressure. Believe me, I've been you don't understand. Attractive stars in a nightgown. Wants to come talk to you in the studio. It was in a very sexy nightgown. That's the best part.
So I think any nightcap is sexy. I think if you had been dressed like a gold miner, you know, with like with this with the button patches in the back, you know, like I have been I have been excited, you know, so. Well, I got to tell you, I don't want to make your head too big, but this is on my work bucket list. Oh, cool. Yeah, the yeah. The other was, was shoot a show during a pandemic, which is weird that that came true.
It did come true. Yeah. I'm going to talk about that because this was, this is some project you put together while enduring pandemic when everything's been shut down. Yes. I still can't believe it's now been three years in the making and finished it. It's wild. And except for the only person who seems to work steadily is Tom Cruise. Every time I read and pick up the paper, pick up the paper, you go, it's not funny.
I go get news. Newsboy gives it to me. Hey, mister, they sank the Lusitania and Tom Cruise is doing stunts to Spain. Thanks boy. How are you. And I got the consumption but anyway I yeah he's. Oh he's still constantly working. Yes. He was on a finding new ways to die during a pandemic doing all his own stunts. Yes. They strike while he's in his late 70s now and he's. Still strapped to the motorcycle and put rockets on it.
You know, Tom, this isn't a good idea. And then fire me into the side of a battleship. There's a pandemic. I don't care. It's not a good idea. Yeah. So now I want to talk about this, because you shot this project, the flight attendant, and you shot it, I mean, all over the place to run Thailand, right?
Yeah, we went to Thailand. It was a year ago this month, which is crazy. And then we went to Rome January, February, right before everything shut down. Right. Which is wild because we shot the finale and we went out of order. You had to wait.
You had to you had to wait till everything came down again to start shooting again, right? Yes. So we we shot the finale in January, so we kind of swapped it up. And then we came back to New York and we were we doing eight episodes and got shut down during episode six. And that's when I was like, oh, let us finish. And then we went home and then I just went back again. I have quarantined so many times like it's crazy, right.
Went back to New York, finished a couple of months ago and yeah, we got it done, which was I mean, it all looked a little bit different. Yeah. But we did it.
I saw a trailer for it a couple of days ago and it looks fantastic. No, no.
Like it really looks it looks sort of like a great combination of intense but also some nice light moments, too.
I just want to know what Seona thinks of the trailer. Oh, I loved it. I watched it with Kohnen and I. I just really enjoy, like, my input. And it also you see it by any chance I have seen. And I think, again, I'm getting some bad engineering readings on this section here. But we were we were at thirty four megahertz there when we had to be made 30. Do you know what that means?
Not sure if it means it really hurts a lot. It's a lot. So I don't know. What we're going to do is we'll probably remove any part. Also, we've been finding that listenership really dropped drops well, and it's all about and listen, I'm just going off of I'm a guy who's all about statistics.
Oh, right. Right. Yeah, right. You know, you read all the stuff about the podcast. It's stats. I like stats and the stats and reviews and everything. Yeah. And we get a huge drop off and we lose a lot of advertising. Too much about man. Oh. So let's just keep the focus. Got it. Got over here. Okay. Got it. On the rapidly aging fatheaded I was close to my jaw just fell off as I was laughing and putting it back on.
Now you know Kaili, I have to say I, I will attest to the fact that you are a very, very nice person in just the times that I've encountered you on the Warner Brothers lot. When you're working on Big Bang all those years, it just tapers. Yeah, you seem like such a normal, healthy person. And at the risk of I mean, being an actor and starting at such a young age, that can go so wrong.
No, you know, I mean, yeah, it can it can go so wrong. And I've almost to the point where I think children shouldn't be allowed to be actors because it can go so wrong. But something went really right with you. Are we talking is this parenting? Is this just also your genetics? What is it? You seem like a very nice, normal person. Oh, that's so sweet. Yeah, we were neighbors for many years on the on the Warner Brothers lot.
You know, I started when I was really, really little. I have the greatest parents in the world. I don't know how I've managed to stay so normal. Right. I have a life outside of this exciting life, out of my work life that I think is super important. I remember when I was little, my mom, she used to say, like, you can't put all of your eggs in one basket. She always said that to me.
And so she didn't want me just to be an actor. I did so many things when I was younger. You know, I played sports and I loved the arts. And I went away to camps and went with my friends. And so any sort of audition or things that didn't go well, never it didn't get me down, you know, it didn't. So I always had something else to go to and that excited me. And I think that was super important.
And a lot of I feel like that's the missing link with some of these kids who are working and even young teenagers growing up like it's all about this. And so the devastation is so hard when you don't get a job or I mean, you're going to hear no so many more times than you're going to hear. Yes. And I have heard my share. I don't hear no anymore, but I did for a long time. You can probably understand being told.
No being told, although I'm I'm constantly told. No, just I was told no before I got famous. I was told no. After I got famous, I spent the first couple of years of late night. Any article about the show was just no, I just said no, no. Yeah, yeah. No, make this stop. This man shouldn't be doing this. And then I've been I've been I've been married, happily married, but married in a healthy marriage, which means, I'm told no regularly about everything.
And now I have teenage children. Oh, they delight in just telling me I'm an idiot. So I need I remembered Garry Shandling visiting the set of my. Show, this is the late night show years ago, but he visited the set and then he came into my dressing room to have like a heart to heart with me and say, how's it going and how are you doing? And and he said, do you have do you have too many.
Yes. Men around you? And I said, Gary, I would kill.
I just want one person. It says, yes, just because they're in all of my starpower. No. And I call it gravity. I really think gravity is the thing that saves our asses over and over and over again, which is just the gravity of people in our lives that are like, no, no, you're absolutely right. What are you talking about? It is the yes men. And I feel like a lot of people are surrounded by that.
And I just never was. I never was. And it was it was great for me. And I also think, I mean, pivoting a little bit. But when I was on the amateur show, yeah, that was a big experience for me, especially working. Jon was my biggest example of such class. Did you know him?
Yeah, I was going to if you didn't mention him, I was going to bring him up. And I'm so glad you always mention him. You did you did eight simple rules with John Ritter and obviously John Ritter, just this incredibly unnaturally gifted and like the Dick Van Dyke mode, complete package, a physical comedian, but also very dexterous, very verbal and so likeable and winning. So I just grew up thinking, that guy's great. And then Mattick actor, too.
He was really amazing. He was terrific.
And so, you know, when our show was struggling early on, we I got this call that John Ritter wanted to come by and do the show and he and his wife came and he was so incredibly nice to me and went way out of his way to just say, I think I like what you're doing, and gave me advice and told me stories about working with Lucille Ball and just told me, wow, took me under his wing a little bit and I was devastated when he passed away because and people need to remember not only how talented he was, but just such a supernaturally nice person, kindest person in the whole world.
I mean, he you're absolutely right. And the most hilarious, he was so nice to everybody. I remember that when we were first on the show and because it was an ABC show affiliated with Disney, we did this big press thing at Disneyland. Yeah. And how old would you be at the time? Sixteen. OK, I was sixteen and it was like my first kind of experience with kind of doing press for show. And Jon was there.
We did this big photo op and Jon said in the afternoon he brought his own kids and we all we're going to go ride the rides in the afternoon. Right. And, you know, he had security and all these people I don't remember making it to one ride because he stopped for every single person, every child adult that wanted a picture with them, wanted to shake his hand for hours and he would take the time. It was really unbelievable because like a lot of people now, you know, put their head down and walk forward and write, they're not generous that way.
Oh. And he just would give his time. I mean, it was really I've never seen anything like it. He was also the king of the dad joke. He had four jokes that he told for two years. And I always feel like I'm never going to laugh at that again. And every time his his favorite joke, we used to do these scenes there in the living room we'd be eating. And so there are always chips around and he would come up behind me or any of us and he'd put a chip on my shoulder and he goes, Do you have a chip on your shoulder?
And then you walk away every day and you it's so silly. And I went and I would fall over and, you know, I love I love that.
I'm a big believer that even a lame joke, if you commit to it and I mean for a period of years and what I love to do is I love to do that and then pull the people around me and say, was that funny? Yeah, that's funny. And they get so worn down after a while. Seona, do I not do this all the time. All the time. And then I say like, was that pretty funny. Was that funny.
I know that. And they get worn down to the point of just saying like yeah, yeah, this is pretty good. It's pretty good. Even though I've done it a million times and it was never funny, but also weird kind of performance art, like someone in another world is watching. And I have to do this a billion times. I think John felt that exact same way. He just had a few and we would just die. He would do he was the guy that I feel like during sitcom world, he wanted to make the audience laugh so hard, not even just that the dialogue, but he loved to break.
He would break on purpose. Yeah. And we'd be doing a scene. I mean, we were doing a, you know, the father daughter emotional scenes that we had and be so serious. And out of nowhere he go, does anyone else have to pee and die? Yeah. Die. And he did it every night. Yeah. And the crowd, they loved it. And I ended up I emulated a lot of that when I went on the Big Bang because I, I would do breaks on purpose.
I would make them laugh. And the audience, they just feel so connected to you. It was right.
Cool. You know, I've always been a big believer in like if there's an audience there, you know, there are times and I've been parts of other shows or productions where they'll stop the show and they almost act like, yeah, the audience will be fine, don't worry about them. We're going to stop it now and do some fixes. And I'm I'm always like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, they're right there.
And I'm so needy that I will like. Wade into the crowd. I mean, this is pretty covid, but I would wade into the crowd and like try and individually warm everyone up and there's a warm up coming there. And they're like, no, no, I got this. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, I got this. I've got to talk to all of them and let them know that I was unhappy as a boy.
You know, what's funny is that you started obviously you had success at a really young age. But you know, something like the Big Bang Theory, which lasted for so long and set, I think, set a record for the longest running multicamera sitcom.
You now are probably in your everyday life confronted with the image of yourself. You're just waiting to get on an airplane. You're waiting, you know, or you're at someone's house. Are you? You pause anywhere. There's a public screen. The show is playing all the time.
Are you OK with seeing yourself for, like, the first season or two?
You know, it's it's interesting. I actually had a conversation, my girlfriend, about this recently because I truly not that I really care, but I really have grown up in front of the camera like you. I played my age. I'm turning thirty five in two weeks and I've played my age since I was like seven years old. And so everyone has seen me kind of grow up and I've watched like that doesn't happen. You don't get other people kind of watching how you change and all this stuff.
It's very, very strange to kind of accept, you know, getting older and not looking the way that you did before. But the early episodes of Big Bang, I mean, I can't believe how many hairstyles I had. I'm just like the different clothes. And it's very weird. I'm much more OK watching the earlier seasons as opposed to the more recent ones I was at. The recent ones are still too recent. For me, it's too emotional for me.
But like the early, early ones feel like a different person and feel like a different time. So I'm able to watch them and laugh, oh my God, that was so long ago.
But the recent ones are tough. It was hard. It was a strange kind of, you know, getting out of that and figuring out what the next step was going to be. It was very weird in my mind. I was going to be on it for twenty seven years, just well going. Yeah, yeah. It just kept happening. And and yeah, one of the things that I think I can kind of relate to it and I have a friend or two who can relate to it.
I've been really good friends forever with Lisa Kudrow and she clearly there's this body of work that lasted for a really long time and it's so iconic and you've been part of the same thing. And what I think people don't realize is that when you I'll have people come up to me and they'll reference something and I don't know what they're talking about. Right. And I've had people say to me, this happened at work once. I think I've I'd mentioned an actor that I always wanted to work with.
And they said, what are you talking about? You did a scene with him. And I said, no, I did. I didn't. And they said, you know, you did. You worked with Jerry Orbach and you did a scene with him. And I went, no, but I really wish I had done like a fake dramatic scene with him. And I went, You did? In nineteen ninety four. And I said, I absolutely did not because I idolized Jerry Orbach.
And then they went and got the tape and put it in and it's a full on scene that I shot with him and I idolize him. Oh my God. It's just the first of all I should tell people now I have a rapidly deteriorating something seriously wrong. I think people know. Yeah, I'm going to say I think people figure that out by now, starting to figure, yeah, it's no. But I also think it's just, you know, there's probably episodic episodes or things that you did where whatever someone, you know, dumped Caramel on your character.
And and if someone said to you, have you ever had caramel dumped on you, you'd say, like, no, I remember that. I remember everything. Oh, you do? Because you still have caramel in your head. And that's why I brought it. I wash my hair in three years. I know. And it really stayed. Yeah. It's about you smell like three year old caramel. It's so weird, that awful smell. There's all this weird stuff stuck to your head, your post-it notes, everything.
Yeah, but some of them aren't even your Post-it notes. They're just some of them are like things that have just blown up, you know.
But I remember everything. Yes. And the weird part is we did a little thing when when Johnny and I did this after the show special with Chuck Lorre, after we were wrapped, they did a test with me to see if I could remember, because I have a thing I have a kind of a photogenic memory. So I remember every outfit for I could tell you the outfit I was wearing in every scene. And they tested me and I got every single one right.
They were like, OK. And I knew exactly what I was wearing and what my hair looked like and what lip gloss that I had on.
That's a weird deal. I wish that's that's such a specific superpower. I can remember everything I was wearing at that time. Right. But how do you solve crime with that? I don't think so. It doesn't help me. Who's the murderer? Oh, I don't know. But I was wrong. I know what she was wearing. The lip gloss is more of a foundation than a glass. Yeah, I don't know I. What do I know?
I don't know anything. I just I'm really shocked by I brought this up because the other day they keep reposting on different sites, old clips of things they've done. Yeah, and there was one I don't know how old I was at the time, but I have super long sideburns, really, and they're kind of sharp at the bottom. And I'm like, I never did that. I guess I did. It's right there. And I look like a riverboat gambler, you know.
Why did I do that? You could be great cheese on those things.
Speaking of memories, I remember my first time on your show, you probably don't it's OK, but I remember I had told you that I got a ticket at Warner Brothers for speeding and you had me in stitches. You like what did they send you to Daffy Duck jail. You had this whole and you had me literally crying. We were laughing so hard.
I don't recall. I I've completely forgotten who you are, by the way. I think it's a very attractive blonde woman in here with me. And I'm not sure this is covid say she claims she was on some show about a bang. I don't know. You know what's funny, though, is that I want to ask you about this, because you you you voice Harlequin. Yes. The DC Universe. And that is a show that does not have to be like the Big Bang Theory appropriate for all ages.
No. You know what I mean. And I'm guessing that must be fun for you. It's almost like they let you off a leash after all these years and you get to really go for it. It's so cool. When I first read the first script of that, I thought it was a joke. I said, we can't you can't say these things. I can't say I mean, it was so outrageous and graphic. And they said, no, it's DCU, we can say anything.
And so they just let me be psycho. They let, like, this inner psycho come out and it's become this weird little phenomenon, this little show people love. People do love it for children, not for children, but people love it. And they actually have rules about what you can say. How many times. That's correct. Yes.
Yes. And feel free to say this is a podcast. You can say whatever, you know, I have in custody. I'm actually quite proud of what happened. Hey, I come from a mule ship, but I haven't come since then. OK, ok, OK. So the word that we said too many times was the C word, which is such an inappropriate word. But we got this note back that you could only say it like 15 times in an episode and we had exceeded it.
And then we had also exceeded the F word. I know this is why you cannot what you know, children can watch this show, but the F word, you can say a million. But we got the C word we had said to me we had to cut it down, but I never thought there'd be a conversation that I would be having with anybody. Right. You can say the F word like 30 times. Yeah. Why would you put a limit on after thirty and then there's a guy there going still up on three more and that's enough.
That makes no sense. It's so weird. I don't understand it either, but it's been a fucking blast, I tell you. Yeah. I just really fun to go for it. It's just like I just literally go psychotic and until they've never told me it's too much and I just go bigger and bigger and bigger also.
Do you find I find that when I'm allowed to completely let myself go in some sort of performing space or even here on the podcast, on the rare occasions that I really let loose on a SONA or a Gawley Rare. Well, yeah. What do you know? Just what we'll find by the hour you come home and all my aggressions are gone because I. You let it out. I let it out against these two people who are only trying to help me.
Clearly, the audience is on their side. Yes. I'm I'm clearly just a mad man. And I did I did a TV show.
Maybe he's listening right now with Ryan. He's though he's the host of the The Late Show in Ireland. Late, late, late, late. Yeah. With Ryan Terminix. And he's a lovely guy. And I just did it before you came here. I did it over over Zoom's. So I think it's going to be on in Ireland tonight. But he's a big fan of the podcast. Yeah. And he was saying, huh, you know, you're a I won't do an Irish accent.
I really have. Whenever I do an Irish accent, it's the Lucky Charms guy.
And that is not what this man is doing, according to Brian. It's nice to have you on all. It's been a long time. No, he didn't sign anything like that is very intelligent and lovely man and very funny and quick witted. But anyway, he was talking about how he's a fan of the show and he listens to it and which I love. He's in Ireland. And I just love when I hear that someone's listening to it across the pond or anywhere.
And he said, you know, yeah, it's you really tough on your you're a sociopath. He called me a sociopath. And I was thinking, well, yes, I think so. Well, we gave it back to you as much as you give it to us. But you're the one who comes off as the villain. And I think that's awesome, right? That's true. If you know that. Absolutely. If you think if you knew the things.
Now, Mac, to his credit, Matt is a hard working, diligent, fine citizen OFF-MIKE. OK, but Seona, Seona and and so he deserves praise. Seona gets away with murder, you know, professional life. Is that true? That is true. Yeah, I do. I really do. I know Matt. Matt works hard and I.
I don't know where you guys are getting this thing that I work hard. Oh, I didn't say you. Let's say you worked hard. Did I say that. I thought you did. Yeah, you did. So I said that no stone. I said I think I said you're like a good citizen and an a and a responsible person so regularly throughout our hour long time together now.
Ten years. Oh wow. Yeah. Ten years. Yeah. I'll say like Sony, you know that medicine that I take to keep me alive that the doctor says I have to have that pill every day and she's like uh huh. Did you get that. I asked you four times you went, no, I didn't do it. And she'll smile. She'll say, didn't do it. Yeah, I could. That I had other things to do.
I had to watch the Big Bang Theory. I think, you know, I just knew I loved her. Yeah. So you're a you're a horse person. Yes. You love the horses. I love the horses. I bring this up because my wife was obsessed with horses for a while and had horses and I never understood it. I mean, I think they're magnificent animals, but I didn't get I didn't understand that I would go with her some time ride.
She rode for many years and then she decided to taper it off. OK, I think she had a bad fall. I think she got a little rattled by it. That can happen. And the horse was rattled too fast, decided not to be a horse. She gave it up, of course, is now a large CMM. Wow. Yeah. Yeah. I just love the idea of a horse getting discouraged. I know that was scary for me too, but not going to be a horse anymore.
I'm going to be a turtle. A sea turtle. All right. What's your world out. I guess. I guess. But anyway, she doesn't do it as much. But I was amazed how much goes into, first of all, how athletic it is. I used to be like an idiot. Think you'd get on a horse? Yeah, no. And and you ride it around, but you're controlling it with your butt and thighs. A lot of abs, a lot of leg.
It's yeah. People don't understand. And even if they sit on one and walk around how sore you will be the next day. Yes. It's very, very physical. It's very physical and also very emotional. Very sensitive. You know, you it's the only sport I feel like where you're with an animal, you're one and one with this animal and there's no phone. There's no you have to be so present, no matter what your emotion is, they are going to feel that from you.
And it's really interesting. They're incredibly intuitive. And they they they understand what's happening. They really do. And they have. I was sort of interested because my wife was so into it. I tried to do it a little bit. And one of my problems is you may not have noticed this, but I have a disproportionate body. I've mentioned this many times before, but I have a small torso and then I have incredibly long legs. I would sit on a horse and if the horse wasn't a really tall horse, my feet would drag, practically drag along with the horse.
And then the horse would be like, You stupid, you know, I could tell the horse that to you. Well, they wouldn't say that, but I could tell the horse thought I was an idiot and I got very self-conscious about it. Because you thought the horse was making fun of you. Yeah, very intuitive. And the horse. And I could tell the horse was talking to the other horses too much. That's good. Yeah, for sure they do.
They are very intuitive though. No one. They'll be like people don't think that they have such strong personalities. But each of our horses, I mean they're so specific. One thing likes one thing, one likes the other. I mean, there when I come in, I believe that they all know it's me. My husband kind of thinks I'm crazy. I mean, even my husband's a horse guy, but I'm getting much more emotionally attached to the horses that right.
Than he does.
I was amazed at how long the pre horse ritual, you know, you don't just go in and jump on a horse. I see my wife go in and there'd be like ten minutes of like first I'm going to wipe down the horse. I'm going to do this, then I'm going to do that. Then we'll give it some hay, then I'll give it a cheeseburger, whatever it was along. That's why she didn't that's why the horse threw her back.
Exactly. I can't digest this. There's a lot of pregame we have a team of people that takes care of that for us. But yeah, we're we're, you know, just so many people. But no, it takes a lot of work and people don't understand how much goes into I mean, our horses get you're going to think this is so crazy. But they get acupuncture, they get chiropractor, they get massage post work, ice baths, heat up their legs, all these different it's it's really crazy.
Crazy. But it has to because they're athletes like it's high performance sport and they have to take care of their bodies, will take care of their bodies like we take care of ours.
I had this incident with David Letterman when he was retiring, when he was leaving CBS, he sent me a gift and it showed up. And we've talked about this and it got a lot of attention. The time I heard this and at the time, and it was very funny, very it was like kind of a prank. But I heard this big thing was coming for me and I felt like, wow, Dave's getting me a Porsche, but he's super rich.
You know, he's David Letterman. And they were like, yeah, a big truck is bringing it on the lot. And I'm like, well, I hope it's blue because I like blue, you know? And then it's a horse. Oh, my God, I heard that. And it was a horse. And what I didn't realize is like I thought he was if I was a really funny joke and I took a picture of me with the horse and I sent it to him, but then no one who delivered the horse said anything to me.
And what they were supposed to do was like then take the horse back because it was just a joke. But I thought I was really in charge of this horse. So we, like, found a place for it to stay. And so I think it was a little bit of a misunderstanding there. And I think Dave was like, oh, I didn't mean for you to keep it. And I go, yeah, I mean, that horse.
And and it was just a joke, like maybe bring it out on the air or something. But I thought, well, Dave wouldn't want me to. This is a private gift between me and Dave, so I completely misunderstood. It's such a hillaire. I mean, it's hilarious. No, it's hilarious. Absolutely hilarious. But then I was like, I've got to take care of this horse. And then I said, we can't take care of this horse.
So my wife found a place, a school where they teach people to give horses massage. Yeah. So we sent this horse to go live at a place where it gets massage all day long. That is amazing. Like it's in heaven. Yeah. No, that's amazing. So right by that. Yeah. Exactly. Exactly by that horse. Yeah. The horse probably thinks they're softening me up to eat me. Yeah. This is true. We're just going to soften your muscles a little more.
Oh they did that to my friend the veal. I love your hoarse voice. That's my horse. Yeah. It's very specific. It's also my brother Neil voice. Codan, what's going on. So let's talk about I want to ask you about the flight attendant. Yes. I encourage you to go and look at the trailer for this because this is based on a book. Yes. And you were the one that said, I want to option this.
I want to try and do this. But you hadn't read the book? I didn't read the book. Now, I saw the cover cover. I love that. That is so something that I would you I was like I was. Wow, look at that cover. She looks hot. She did option it. She did the girl with blonde hair. I was like, that could be me. This is going to be something to go for this one.
I thought I called and the first thing I asked my attorney was I said, can you just check that Reese Witherspoon didn't get these rights to the to this book?
Does Reese always get there first? Yes, I knew it. She's got people in there getting all the books.
Yeah, she bought our podcast half an hour ago. I don't even know it. She got it for. Yeah, we all work for Reese. Yeah. You know, that's how good she is. And then I went downstairs to leave and she had bought my car about your car. She optioned she but yes. She optioned your car. She's probably optioning my horses right now anyway. So I am you know, she knows that she's doing it.
I'm just trying to follow in her footsteps. So anyway, it turned out she didn't, which was a miracle. And I, like, fought for these rights. Oh, and by the way, my team, who you literally just saw the the book cover the cover. And I saw one sentence and I the end. I love the way it is. How did you think of that? And I couldn't admit to my team that I hadn't read it yet.
But I also knew that it was going to take a while to get the rights. I'm like, I'll have time to read that. But they said, like, please tell me you still haven't read it. I read it. I don't know what happens in the eyes. I was excited, as you are, to watch. I said the words they told me to say and made the motions. They told me to. That's exactly right. That's exactly right.
So I'm very excited. Just like you. I saw the trailer riveting anyway. I got the rights and I had read the book by that point. But my team, they kept asking, like, so what's it about? Like, this is what makes you what makes you love it so much of like, I just I have a feeling I have I got this gut feeling this is going to be it. And I really couldn't tell them. And because I hadn't read it, it's like you were faking your way.
School through a book report. Well, totally, totally. So what made you love the book, Johnny Tremain? Well, I just had a feeling.
Yeah, D minus, you know, I just did that Johnny Tremaine guy. He's got a lot of pluck. What a plus. Exactly. Exactly. So I got up getting the rights. I obviously read the book and I was actually relieved that I liked it because that would have sucked if I didn't like it. After all that work to be so funny, if you just went through airport bookstores and just randomly pointed to books that you liked and called, your attorney got me that book, you know, because it shows you gene packaging will win me over.
So make sure your cover is good. The book you just option was get a better but in 40 days, how do you see this as a dramatic role you guys figured out? I'm not a writer. It's what I pay people for. I don't know. Figure it out. Oh, shit. You know what? My character Brianna is worried about her, but it that's very serious. And then is there a murder? No, she just does these exercises.
Oh, I've got to have it. I must have it and I will have it. I think I would.
I am not an actor, despite everyone's desperate pleading for me to get into the acting game. Have you been at a lot of people want to see you. A lot of it. I just a lot of people a lot of my career has been people saying that face that voice. Yeah, you should be on the big screen. I can see that. I could definitely see. I don't understand. Yeah, you're a you're a Brando and. Oh, my God.
Well, yes. I mean Brando much later in life. Oh I like to eat and I wish I was in an island. Yeah. People have a hard time understanding me. That's the Brando that I emulate where I work kaftans around the house. I'm going to get some ice cream. Get ice cream. Yes. All right. Jerry Garcia, Jerry Garcia, Jerry Garcia. I want to kind of milty slides and I want to chew it.
So anyway. And then the horse comes in. Oh, yeah, there's the horse again. There's the horse. He doesn't ride me. The horse had to come back in. I really believe the horse had to make another appearance. I also did a very smart thing a long time ago. When it comes to like paparazzi or or gossip columns is I am so uninteresting to them.
And this is my strategy. I, I, I, I just seem they're not sure there's no sexual heat coming off of me. There is. There's I'm never whenever there's like a shot of me, it's like, look at him. He's getting his cholesterol lowering medication and now he's getting into his reasonable car and driving reasonably back to his home where he will take the cholesterol lowering medication, you know. Yeah, but, you know, that's and you know what?
That turned out to be a brilliant because I'm one of those guys where paparazzi can have the camera around their neck and they see me walking by and all they have to do, it's digital. So they don't even have all they have to do is raise it and push the button. And I can see them trying to make the decision to going, I think it's OK.
I'm like, hey, there's the horse. I'm with the horse at the time. You are the horse is taking pictures of me. But no, you once you're on television. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Well, this has been an absolute delight. Oh my God. And my face hurts for you have to go pay my doctor for more botox after all. No, you owe him. No, this is this is running into I don't want to run into crape territory where people listening to it are like are saying, you know, I listen to his podcast and he's talking to me a lot longer than he is today.
But it was like such a dream to come here. I really hope, you know, that it was on my bucket list and I wanted to go on free. I listen to every episode. I think you're brilliant and I think you are so warm and you make people feel so so at home and you're just so down to earth.
I just think you're awesome. Your whole team. Wow. Thank you very much. And I do. I was talking to Sona.
I knew. You're going to read it again, you're going to read in the trades tomorrow, you fire, obsession, fire. I was going to say you're going with me. It's OK. Yeah, that's right. You should do a buddy comedy, Sona. Yeah, I love it. Yeah. Just do a buddy comedy or you know what, you can find a part for her. I'm going to. She said she's the kooky, kind of unreliable Armenian friend.
Oh, I don't even I don't have to act. Which is right. Yeah, right. And I think that would be a good guy to come in every now and say, all right, kids, turn in.
What that. Does anyone tell you? You look like Joaquin Phoenix. I got that once or twice.
Yeah, I think so. Yeah. I kind of see it as an escape from here. Maybe, I don't know. But are we talking Joker Walking Flowserve normal sexy Joaquin Phoenix. Oh there you go. You know don't take us away from here. Yes. Just taking Sona which is a devastating day for me. Taking your whole team with me. I was I feel now work with now I'm so embittered by this fight yesterday. I'm not not me either.
I love it. Think this is one of my favorite. I guess Conan O'Brien didn't find a French today, but certainly Sassy and Matt Gawley did. Yes. Change the title. Yes. Well, God bless you, Kaley Cuoco. You are a life force and a delight and genuinely nice person.
And I wish you all good things and come on back to I would love to come back. This was an absolute dream. Thank you for having me. I had an experience recently I maybe I shouldn't talk about this, but it did happen in my life, which is my wife, Lisa, you know, she likes to try these things out once in a while. It's very health. She's very healthy. And she heard about this diet, not a diet.
It's a system you can get. It's five days and you you buy it and it's they say it's medically approved. And she read all these articles about it that were very complimentary. I won't mention the product's name because this is not an ad in any way, but said, yeah, it's sort of a five day program that mimics fasting, like you haven't eaten for five days. And each day you get a packet of food that you eat. And the idea is that it gives you enough so that it's safe and it's healthy.
And it's not even so much for weight loss. It's just supposed to, like, regenerate your cells, whatever. She was going to do this. And I don't know, I think it's maybe covid and just me at home and saying, you know what? Let's I'm me, too. I just said, me too. Did it. I did it. So I said, I want to do this, too. And she said, Really?
And I said, Yeah, if you're doing it, I'm going to do it. We'll do it together. So we each got these boxes of food that was supposed to last one for each day. It was five days. It was not a lot. It was not a lot. It was not a lot. Now it was scientific. It was safe, but it was not a lot. It was very little food. And so it was like a little bar you could have in the morning.
There was like one hundred and eighty calories and then lunch was one hundred and ten calorie dehydrated soup. And then maybe you can have some olives an hour later. And it was all in this little package and that's all you get. Now I at first am attracted to that because I don't like thinking I'm just not a fan of thinking. It's nice that it's all it's just bad for you. But I started to get so hungry. So day one, I'm cocky.
I'm like, I got this. Yeah. Day two, I'm still kind of cocky. Day three, I can tell my body is now digesting heart muscle that I have and I start to get all spacey and my wife gets spacey and we can't even have a conversation. Oh, she'll say things like she's like our son sugar camp this summer.
And I say, watch and listen. I was mostly fine. And this I do want to stress again, this is healthy and I'm exaggerating a little bit upset and irritable. I was cranky and later told by our book or Paula, she said, I talked you on the phone and you were really cranky. And I was like, well, I'm I'm kind of Deqi all the time. And was like, this time it was more and I said, That's because I'm fasting.
She's like, I can tell. I could tell. It's hard to tell when you're being extra. Deqi Oh, that's yes. So anyway, and it says that on the box may cause extra dickinsonia and it says on the box may may cause Kohnen levels of depression. Oh it says that on the box. And there's a picture of me which I didn't even license. I didn't like punching someone. No, I'm just like looking really. I'm just giving that little thought that I've been popping and I'm just looking like a real prick.
And I didn't license that. I could probably sue, but two week from the fast sue them. But anyway, so we do this thing and yesterday is the last day. So I go downstairs to this little room. We have this little guest room and there's a TV in there. And I turn on the TV and I'm flipping around on Apple TV and Apple movies. And I see this great movie that I've wanted to watch for years called Papillion.
I've heard of Pappe, I've heard of it. I've never seen a fantastic movie. And it's it's got Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman. And it's this classic tale of these two guys who are sent to a French penal colony in Guyana in the 1930s. And I'm watching this movie and there's these iconic scenes. It's a very famous movie. This happened yesterday where Steve McQueen is caught trying to escape. So they throw him into solitary confinement for two years in a dark room and they put him on half rations because he won't give up the name of the person who helped him try and escape.
He won't give up the name. So they put him on half rations. So he's starving to death. And there's this really famous scene where Steve McQueen's in there and his hands are shaking. And you all you can see is there's a tiny little shaft of light. And you see this little bug, this roach or centipede go by and it's his little skinny hands reach over and grab it. And this but the centipedes getting away and he tries again to grab it because he wants to eat it.
And I'm in the room watching TV and I'm like, get it, get it. We got to get this. You got to get the centipede, because I would at that moment have eaten the centipede. But you're comparing yourself to a man, to a man in solitary. What I'm saying is that I got to the same level of desperation. Steve McQueen's character, Papillion, was put in on Devil's Island in a closed dark room for two years and given just a little bit of broth that maybe had been shown a piece of beef, but not actually the the beef and the broth never touched.
He's dying and I'm they're like, yeah, me too. I'm here in West L.A. in my nice house. So denying myself food because someone said it will regenerate self it all about cellular growth. It may increase longevity if I don't get hit by a bus, which I will. So, you know, I'm going to die in a year anyway because I'm going to do something stupid like take a transistor radio into the bathtub. Oh, my God.
And, you know, anyway, it was just so ridiculous. But I was like, yeah, I know what's going on, man. Get that because I'm right there with you, Steve McQueen. Yeah, but it's not the same at all.
OK, I know what it's like.
I look a lot of people out there sometimes think I'm one of those celebrities that's lost touch. But let's set the record straight. I just did five days of a medically approved fast that came with lots of packets that I ate and various pills and soups. So I know what it's like to suffer. Were you smelling food? What's that like? When I when I did Lente and I gave up chocolate, I would go to the pantry and smell the chocolate.
Just smell it.
My old writing partner, Greg Daniels, he's going to be mad that I'm revealing this, but he tried to give up sugar completely for a while and he loves sweets and he gave it up for a really long time.
And he used to go out and buy pies and he'd buy the pie and then it just stick his nose into the pie and smell it and smell the pie for a while and then and then put the pie back down and not eat the pie.
I'm sorry, Greg, if you didn't want you to know that I know this guy is gone on to crazy. He created, you know, that the American office and Parks and Rec. He's a genius because the Hill King of the Hill is genius comedy writer. But he was buying pies, taking them out and sticking his face them and smelling them. I know it's crazy. I remembered I did this when I was a kid, my brother Luke, every week new comic books would come out and he'd go and he'd get comic books and buy them.
And he had the kind he liked and I like had the kind I liked. He would buy them and he would read them and enjoy them. I would buy them. I remember doing this for a whole summer and then put them up in my room in a drawer and not read it and say, I'm going to read this at the end of the summer. I mean, I read them all at once and it's going to be glorious.
And I kept because something's wrong with me. So I kept not reading my comic books. I was like nine years old and I just kept putting them in a drawer and denying myself the comic books. And then it got really late in the summer and it was time to go back to school. And I was like, wait, I didn't read the comic books. It's time to go read them all at once in one glorious. But then my mother was like, Oh, we got to get going.
Come on, which one are you? I said, third from the top. Fourth from the bottom. But you know, I'm Kohnen. I like to like, get in a car right out of here. Mom, you're not from Ireland. We've been in this country for a couple of hundred years. You get in the car, you fucking idiot. Get in the car. Why didn't you hit them? I didn't study them all over the summer as they came out like your brother did.
I can't remember his name well, because I wanted to save it in a Catholic way. Deny myself. Yeah, fuck it. Here he is. We didn't come out of the way from Ireland. Did a little boat. Mom, we're all born here. You grew up in Worcester. You went to Yale Law School. You went to Yale Law School. I don't know why she wore an eye patch and she had a parrot on her shoulder.
What true story. She was a pirate. Do OK or to sail the seven seas. Oh, man. Anyway, true story. One on a fast mother, a pirate. Greg Daniels, genius comedy writer.
But Pi Smeller Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Sunim Obsession and Conan O'Brien has himself produced by me, Matt Cawley, executive produced by Adam Sachs, Joanna Solotaroff and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon at Airwolf. Theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental Music by Jimmy. Our supervising producer is Aaron Belayer and our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples. The show is engineered by Will Beckton. You can rate and review the show on Apple podcast, and you might find your review featured on a future episode.
Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at three, two, three, four, five, one, two, eight, two, one and leave a message in two could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend on Apple podcasts, stitcher or wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. This has been 18 cocoa production in association with Noel.