Konan O'Brien needs a fan. Want to talk to Konan? Visit teamcoco. Com/callkonan. Okay, let's get started.

Hey, Brandon, meet Konan and Sona.

Oh, David Sona and Jane Lynch. I love what you're doing with your hair.

Nice. Fan bringing it in hot. That was some high heat you just threw. That came over the plate at 98 miles per hour.

A bit of It was almost a swing and a miss.

No, no, no. Brandon, very nice to meet you. And I understand you're a fan of the podcast. Thanks so much for contacting us. No problem. Curious, where are you calling us from? Where are you contacting us from?

So I am from Georgetown, Ontario. It's about 45 minutes outside of Toronto.

Oh, beautiful. Love it. Love it there. I love Canada, love Toronto, love Vancouver. Wonderful place. And of course, I'll give it up again, Canada, home to all the great comedic minds, in my opinion. So you have a lot to be proud of. Absolutely. And Brandon, tell us a little bit about yourself.

So by day, I help manage a pizza shop here in town.

And by night- Whenever someone says by day, I'm scared because it could mean murder. You know what I mean? Most serial killers say, by day, I do this. But actually, they don't say that at all.

I was going to say, you think they just confess at the end? No. Like he's going to say, I murder, I do some murdering?

I'm anxious for the second part. So by day, you manage a pizza place?

Yes, sir. And then by night, I'm a Paranormal investigator.

So, Paranormal Investigator. So Paranormal Investigator, meaning you are searching for clues, signs, or to make contact with ghosts. Is that correct?

Ghost spirits, going into haunted locations, doing full-on investigations, using equipment and cameras and everything to try and see if we can end up getting some proof of the paranormal, I guess you can say.

Sure, because you're a paranormal investigator. Yes. Let me ask you a quick question. I said ghost, but I prefer the term, although I think it's archaic gou. Does anyone use the term gou anymore? I just love gou.

Just Jordan Slansky. He's the only one who uses it.

I love Ghoules. Is there a difference between a ghost and a spirit, or is there no real difference?

And Not really. I usually like to use the term spirit because the way I think about it, it's the passed-on version of what a living human person was. Everybody got their own spirit, they got their own soul, they got their own personality. I think it's just a way that I end up transferring over to the afterlife. I like to use the word spirit instead of just a ghost. I think ghost is a little gimmicky.

The two I like, as I said, are Ghoul and Specter. I like Specter. Hello? You still there? Hello, Brandon? Did you go anywhere? Brandon? Hello? Is this thing on?

You would be really bad as a paranoia. No, I would say- Because you'd be like, Guys, what are we going to call him, guys?

No, I would never spend any time looking at the equipment. All I'd be saying is we've got to find a goal or a specter. That's all I do all the time.

Oh, my God.

But it is very hard for us to see... It's very rare for us to see something in person with our own eyes. I don't understand why that is. That's why infrared cameras and film photography cameras ends up coming into play, because somehow it shows up a little easier that way.

Yeah. I'm just curious, do you go on this mission alone or do you work with a team?

Oh, hell, no. Not that brave. No, I actually got a team of about 10 people that I have with me. Good Lord. I've got Well, the thing is we have a YouTube channel that we post some of our evidence if it's a good enough investigation onto. So I got a whole team that's with me.

Who's in the team? Yeah.

So there's myself, my So my co-creator, her name is Ashley. I consult with her on things before I go into investigations, but she can't do things in person anymore because she had a really hard time rebounding from investigations.

Wait a So Ashley was on your team, she's a partner, and then she had to step back. She still consults. But you're saying something happened on an investigation that made her have to step out?

She's very sensitive to whatever's going on there, and she I've asked her, How long does it take for you to recover from an investigation? She said, Up to two weeks.

What?

Because she's just so physically drained.

Can I tell you something, Brandon? I hear from many of my employees that after contact with me, they need two weeks away from work paid to recover. That's a common thing that I hear. I've often been described as having a spectral color to my face. A gouish. A ghoulish appearance. I would say so. Yeah. Thank you.

He's an expert.

He's an expert. Yeah, I'm a guy that likes to watch his gouish figure. And so what I'm saying- I can't be here anymore.

That's going to take more than two weeks. You owe everybody an apologies.

That's an old Monster's joke. A shout out to the Monsters. That's a great... Fred Gwyn. Anyway, my point is, you've got Ashley. I hope she gets better soon. I'm sorry that she had a bad experience, but that's a rough gig talking to- It is.

It's not for the faint of heart.

Do you have uniforms?

Yeah. Do you have uniforms like the Ghostbusters?

Yeah, that's all I have to say.

No, we don't have uniform. I mean, dress black for the most part, just for esthetic, I guess. But then it's funny because my mom, who got me a little bit into this stuff, came into the fold to help replace Ashley as an investigator. Wait, I'm sorry.

My mom is part of this. Brandon, your mom is part of your Ghost Busting team?

Yes.

That's cool. I like that. I was going to- Family business. Family business. Your mom, is she very intrepid? Is she very brave?

Well, she's had to put up with me for about 30 years, so I would say so. Right.

But I mean, there's some people who would be afraid to go, Well, let's cut to the chase. You've got a crack team here, and you've got your equipment. Not sure what that is. You said you have various cameras. Do you have any electronic equipment that tells you if there's a special... That's just a small suitcase. It just means that you have plenty of room in the overhead compartment.

Yeah, no. I actually have a piece of equipment here that actually measures EMF, what's that?

Okay, got it. Can you hold it up to David and just... Hold it up, David, put face near the camera. Oh, my God, that thing's off the charts. David, you do seem like you're a little boy who lived about 200 years ago and died when he ate a peanut. He does have a bad blood allergen.

You know what?

He's It's good for his age, if that's the case.

He's preserved. He'll never age. He'll be a boy forever.

You're right.. So you've got your electronic equipment.

And where do you go to find these, at the risk of repeating myself, gouols inspectors? Yeah.

So a lot of research goes into it. We go through online. We look at news articles throughout the province of Ontario, see if they have had any news stories on places that have had activity. And then also just a lot of going to the town, going through their library. Sometimes they have resources for old historical buildings, and we just take a stab at that.

But Brandon, let me ask you. I'm just trying to drill down here. You say you're looking for evidence, and they've had some occurrence. But what would that mean? Would it mean windowpains rattling for no reason, toilets flushing on their own? Do you know what I mean? What would it mean?

So people have to have sightings of apparitions.

Apparitions? That's another good one. I love apparitions. Yeah.

They would have a different poltergeist activity where things are moving on their own, voices or sounds being heard when If they're the only ones in the room, if there's no reason for that happening.

Well, that often means that you're insane, that you're having a- To most. To most.

And who knows? Maybe I am a little bit.

No, no, not you. But I'm saying if you're by yourself and you hear voices, sometimes then that's when they medicate you. I've had periods like that, and then the medication set in.

Or it might be the ghosts.

Well, I prefer gools, apparitions, inspectors. Oh, God. We're adding to the list. Oh, God. For the most part, without a goal, it's It's definitely the goals inspectors with my expertise.

I'm not qualified enough to end up doing the medicated areas.

What is the scariest thing you've seen that you've witnessed yourself, Brandon?

The scariest thing I have seen. So the scariest event that I've had happened was at a location just outside of Nagra Falls. It is called the Screaming Tunnel.

The Screaming Tunnel. I'm writing this down. Why? Just to look like I'm part of the investigation. So it's a place outside the Niagara Falls called the Screaming Tunnel.

Yeah. So very long story, but the long and short of it is, father ended up, legend says, a father did very unthinkable things to his daughter, ended up murdering her in the tunnel, and basically set her on fire. So apparently, if you go in that night, you light a match, and you're supposed to hear the scream of the girl, and the match goes out. But we've had- By the way, this story is a bit of a buzz kill.

I mean, it's real dark. It's dark.

Ghost stories are teary and happy.

When an old man's head gets chopped off, it's funny. Anything that happens to a kid is not funny. But if an old man, who's a dick anyway, gets his head lopped off, I'm laughing, and I'll go see Doug.

Unfortunately, this is the life I chose.

And also, we can't choose the crimes. This terrible thing happened.

The match goes out, and then what?

How do you get out of the tunnel once the match goes out?

Well, most people end up running out, but not us. We tried the match experiment. We didn't hear the scream. It went out, but that could have been a draft or something.

Does the scream ever occur because you've held the match too long?

And the person got a little hot in there. Yeah, no, that hasn't happened. But they ended up hearing multiple voices from within the tunnel when we didn't see anybody there, but they were actually inching closer to us to the point where me and my partner Ashley had to throw. We had no idea what was happening.

Hard pass.

Hard pass. Okay. And you're certain you think that those voices were not other people in the tunnel? Those voices were- A hundred % because we ended up having somebody on each the tunnel that were actually watching and making sure nobody was trying to fiddle around with any evidence we may have been getting or anything like that. Could you hear what the voices were saying?

No. It was very mumbling. It was all jumbled up.

Is it possible that if you listened to the tapes, you'd hear, enough with the matches, enough with the matches. It's getting smoky in here?

I'm self-attaining. Yeah.

Everybody comes with matches. And by the way, we prefer a gou.

I'm saying- No, we didn't end up getting any of that. We did end up getting a spirit telling one of my other investigators to get out on a voice recorder, but we didn't hear it with our own ears.

Why do ghosts always say get out? Because they'll kill you. No, but how come no ghost? It's because of the matches. When I'm a ghost, and I will be a gou at one point- You will. You're going to haunt everybody. No, but my thing is going to be like, Come on in. Let's talk. I love to gab. That's scary, though.

You have to realize that that is a scary thing for you to do.

Oh, because people don't like talking to me?

Also, stop shouting. No, that's a scary thing for the other people to do.

This is really riling me up because this is scary. I believe in this stuff, and this is freaking me out.

Okay. Have you learned anything? Do you ever feel compassion for these, I don't know, apparitions, specters, goules? Do you ever feel, I'm going to say it as many times as I can, Hey, if you're listening, count. The winner gets nothing. Have you had any... Yeah, go ahead. You're putting your hand up to stop me. You've had these- He's counting. He's counting.

I got to count. That's five.

No, since this interview started, you're insane. I've done many more than that. Ghouls, apparitions, vectors. Anyway. It's a drinking game now. So have you ever had compassion for one of these necromantic citizens of the other realm?

I wouldn't say, I wouldn't say compassion. What I will say is I have more of a comfort, I would say, for when I pass away, to at least have the idea that maybe there is something else that we go to after the physical life. So we're not... Our energy, our spirit, everything is not dead. It's just a physical machine that's operating our skin vessel, as Ashley would end up calling it.

I had a My girlfriend once that called me a skin vessel, and not as a compliment. Brandon. I don't know. Myself, I'm not sure I need there to be another realm. It's going to get a little heavy, but I don't want to just be hanging around in caves, waiting for people to light a match. I don't want to be roaming around an old motel, bothering people or rattling teacups. I might be okay with the concept of just this madness just stops.

So what I'm hearing is, Conan would rather be a shit observer in life, but not really in death. Yes.

Yes.

What I'm saying is, I think I've haunted many people and continue to in my lifetime, in my lifespan. And the idea that that would stop is maybe okay, not just for me, but maybe for the world.

I think so. I think we'd be fine with you just leaving.

You're happy with my death. You know what?

Just Die. We're good.

Eventually, the truth will come out, so now.

It took nothing for you to say it. No, she's fine with it. She's the most honest friend I have. But Brandon, this is interesting work that you've chosen. Now, I want to get back to the first thing you told us, which is by day, you manage a pizza shop. Are there ever moments where your skills as a manager of a pizza shop come into play when you're dealing with goals, apparitions, inspectors?

When I see a past coworker that haunted me while working there that comes in, there's that where I have a flashback experience. But in terms of my actual workings within the shop, no, not really.

Not yet. I will tell you this. If I do pass into the spirit realm, the realm of Ghouls, apparitions, inspectors, I do... Got them all up from the beginning. The one thing that will lure me will not be lit matches or a rattle cup or someone holding a seance. A really good pizza, marinara, would lure me. Thin crust, that would lure me to any location. And so I'm wondering why spirits aren't attracted to just amazing food. And a glass of Pinot Noir, maybe like an Oregon Pinot. Where's it going to go?

Could they smell it? I think they should be. Yeah.

But I would just like to be around it. It makes sense. Then maybe I could become part of the pizza. What? I love pizza that much.

You want people to eat you as a pizza?

Yeah, that's right.

Wait, what?

Why did you say it like that? I don't know. I thought it could be sexual, but I don't think it is. Anyway, Brandon. Brandon, do you have a question? Do you have a question for us? Let's not encourage my perversions, but that is my kink that I one day become a spirit pizza.

Brandon, back to that question you had for That's my kink, ladies.

I'm going to become a pizza pie. My question for Konan is- Let's bring him out of the oven. There he is, he's still steaming.

When he passes... Oh, greasy. So when you pass away- And we hope it's not for a long, long time.

Yes.

We hope, Sona. We hope.

I know. I'm saying when he dies, I just want him to die.

You don't want him to haunt you. That's a Hallmark card they haven't made yet. When you die, I just want you to die. And then there's a $5 bill in You're a grandmother. What you got there? What's your question there? Bingo. I'm going to call you Bingo, Brandon, for no reason at all.

Oh, my God.

I'll take that. So my question is, when you do end up passing on, you go on to the other life, and you Obviously, you have your kids. Hopefully, your kids outlive you. But when you pass away- What the fuck are you talking about?

Yes, I want my children to live for hundreds of years after me.

That's not the question.

But what different antics would you end up pulling on your loved ones as a ghost, but making it unique enough where they absolutely know that it's you?

Oh, they're going to know it's me. I mean, my bits are just classic Konan material. And that's a trademarked phrase, by the way, classic Konan. So I just know that they're going to know... I'm going to be a very obvious ghost. I'm not going to do subtle stuff.

I'm trying to think of what... If If you took a remote control and it just suddenly was in the place of where your mouth would be, then I could hear you going, Hey, I'm remote control mustache guy. Yeah, exactly. That's a good bit. I'd be like, That's Konan. He's haunting me. That's not a good bit, though. It's not that funny. He's going to knock your bun out for sure.

You know what I would do?

I love to.

Sometimes I see Sona and she's got her beautiful hair, beautiful hair that's all piled up together into a bun. Maybe seen a brush or a comb sometime in the last year or so. Anyway, what What I like to do is I'd like to take a swath at that bun and it explodes and the whole bun comes apart. And it's funny to me.

Or if I'm eating something and it suddenly just flies out of my hand, I'll be like, cone it in here.

That's what I was thinking.

My favorite thing is when she's really enjoying a donut and she holds it out a little too far from her face, I can sometimes swat it and it goes flying across the room. And everyone in the room, this is the environment where we work. Everyone laughs. You did it with her popcorn, right? When she walked in here. Yeah, maybe I did. Maybe I didn't. You did. That could have been a spirit or a gou or a specter. We saw you I do it. Or an apparition. No. Well, that's what I would do. I do those antics, and I wouldn't be subtle. I don't like subtle ghosts. No. You know what I mean? You got to play to the back row when you're a ghost or a gou. Got to be in your face. Or an apparition or a respecter. I'm telling you again, folks, listen to the very beginning, count up all mentions of gou, apparition, and specter. Give us the total and you'll win nothing. Brandon, it's been a delight talking to you. And give my best to you. It's been an absolute long talking to you. Tell Ashley, I hope she recovers soon.

And yeah, I just I just wish you well in your journeys and your adventures. And I hope you crack this case. I hope you find us a real goule or apparition, inspector.

I hope so, too. And if you're ever in the area, I would love to end up getting you and Sona on an investigation with us.

Very nice.

I'm busy. I'll be busy that day. She's scared. She's scared. But you know what? I am very scared.

But you know what? I don't know what fear is, so I'll see you there. Konan's going to go do bits for the girl in the Tunnel. Yeah. Hey, little girl. Look at this bit. All right, Thank you very much, Brandon. Take care. Thanks, Brandon. Thank you. Thank you. Bye-bye, guys.

Konan O'Brien needs a friend. With Konan O'Brien, Sonam Ofsessian, and Matt Gourley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley. Executive produced by Adam Sacks, nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Your Wolf. Theme song by the White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.

Take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair, and our associate talent producer Jennifer Samples. Engineering by Eduardo Perez. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kohn. You can rate and review this show on Apple podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Konan? Call the Team Coco Hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. If you haven't already, please subscribe to Konan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded. Has been a Team Coco production in Association with EarWolf.