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Quiet. Hi, Bryce. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan.

Hey, Bryce, how are you?

Good yourself?

Well, I'm good now. I'm checking out your facial hair and you are incredible. Just incredible. Let me describe for our listeners who aren't watching this on the Internet right now. What did you say? It looks like it's a wild Bill Hickok.

Yeah. Yeah. Big old mustache and short little beard and long hair. Yeah, I don't know if I'd like to be classed as Wild Bill, but close enough.

Okay, well, let's see what else have we got.

Texas, Turkey Creek, Jack Johnson.

Yes, there you go. Okay. No, you look incredible. You look like the lead singer with the Silver Bullet Band. You look incredible.

Oh, my God. People say I look like I'm off like Turnpike Trubidors or something. Yeah, you look amazing. That or Tombstone. Yeah.

Well, now let me understand something, Bryce. Tell us a little bit about yourself. Where are you coming to us from?

Currently, I'm in Stillwater, Oklahoma, but I live in Ames, Iowa. I have a transportation company where I haul horses across the country. It put me down here when it's time to talk to you guys.

Okay, so you haul horses. How many horses do you haul at a time? Sorry, it came out a.

Little trench. You have so much trouble.

Well, I'm sorry. You haul horses.

You.

Haul the horse. You hauled the horse. You hauled the horse. I don't know what happened there. I had a, we call it the parts where I'm from, cerebral occlusion. Any hoots. Bryce, you haul horse flesh.

What? Yeah, it's still living, but yeah.

Yeah, that's okay. How many horses do you haul at a time?

It depends. Right now I have a three-horse trailer, so I can haul max at three if I use somebody else's trailer. I figured that.

When you said three-horse trailer, I figured it was three.

Now, Bryce- Sometimes you got to break it down.

Does each one get to look out a window when they drive? This is important to me.

Yeah, they get a window, they get water, they get hay, and I have a camera facing them so I can keep an eye on them the whole time.

I have to say, I love nothing more in life than a horse looking out a little window. I do. I love it. When I'm on the highway and a horse is looking out a little window, I'm in heaven. Can you guys share a little moment? No, it's true because a horse is so unself-conscious. That's why when I'm watching a movie and there's a horse in the scene, I just look at the horse because he doesn't know he's in a movie. It's fantastic. I love a horse looking out a window. I could look at that all day. So if I was driving down the Turnpike or the interstate and I saw three horses peaking out of three windows, I would just start following. I would just start following you guys wherever you went.

Oh, goodness. Yeah, I hold him mule the other day and I forgot to open his window and he just started kicking. He was not very happy. Then I opened the window and perfectly fine. You got to have those windows so they can see.

I do that on a plane sometimes. If someone has before me has pulled the screen down, the shade down, I just start kicking. And often the flight attendant will say, Sir, you can just lift that yourself. But that's how I am. I just start kicking.

You lowered it in the first place.

Probably I wanted to kick. So this is cool, Bryce. Now why are you traveling these horses all around? What's the point of traveling these horses? Is this delivering them to customers who purchase them? Yeah, why.

Are you traveling? Why are.

You traveling these horses?

Why are you traveling these horses?

Well, I'm sorry, but in the parts that I come from, we're plain-spoken in my part of Brookline Mass.

Bryce, why.

Are you hauling all these horses?

Yeah, that's exactly how JFK talked. So you're right. Why?

We're going to haul these horses? Not because it's easy, but because it's hard.

No, yeah, exactly what you said. A lot of people buying horses or shipping horses to shows or moving across country, stuff like that. There's also a lot of importing from overseas. Got it. I'll pick them up at an airport and take them somewhere.

What do they like when you pick up a horse at the airport? Can a horse get jet-agged? Are they sleepy? They're very confused. They're very confused.

They're not putting those signs.

With their name on it. Are you waiting there? Yeah. And then Hay comes down on a little carousel. But can you tell that they're jet-agged? They think it's 9:00 AM, but it's really like 4:00 PM. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, generally they don't have a watch on, so they can't really talk to them. That's right. That makes it easier. They're obviously a little bit tired. Yeah, just got to get them moving.

Hey, Bryce, if at any point my questions get too stupid, feel free to just tell me in any way.

Because- They're stupid. They're not. They were stupid from the beginning, I feel like.

I forgot that horses don't wear watches.

You said, do they know it's nine o'clock when it's supposed to be four o'clock?

You know how you get off the plane? Sometimes I bet they're wearing pajamas or sweatsuits when they get off the plane. Juicy.

They're-juicy. -well, you're actually not far off. Sometimes they'll be wearing a sheet or a blanket.

Yes, I do that. I've gotten off planes. I did a trans-Atlantic flight and I got off and I was just wearing a sheet. It was my naked body and a sheet. They tackled me. They tackled me at the Starbucks. Tell me about yourself. First of all, I love horses. I think this sounds like a cool job. How did you get into this whole thing?

I'm married a horse trainer. That's how all this started. I used to ride horses when I was little out in Colorado and whatnot. Then as I grew up, fell away from it, married a horse trainer and got back in riding horses and got my own Mustang that I adopted from the Bureau of Land Management. Oh, cool. Yeah, it's exhilarating. It's nice having a horse and especially when they're allowed to be themselves and have their own personality.

You mean sometimes people have horses and the horse feels they need to conform or be a certain way and you're just letting the horse be the horse?

Yeah. Sometimes they act like a teenager, not wanting to listen to their parents and whatnot. But you got the other ones who actually want to have fun and be themselves and listen.

This is like Montessori for horse training. That's all right. Don't listen to me, Bryce. Go on.

It's not you, Bryce. The blank. It was a blank. I almost thought it was a screen for us.

I had to say no, no. That really happened, Bryce. You know what? I'm just picturing a bunch of horses just looking out windows with blank expressions, not knowing what the hell just happened.

Usually, I try to back you up.

Matt, but that was- You've got to keep that in. That's got to stay.

It's fantastic. I'll not only keep it in, but I stand by it. Yeah, stand by it. I know there's at least one other person out there in this world. And if you're listening, thank you.

Tell me, I don't know much about riding horses. Are there different styles? Different styles of cowboy?

Oh, yeah. Well, there's a whole bunch of different styles of riding, but mainly in the United States, you've got English style of riding. I could go on and on. But yeah, cowboying, there's a lot of regional type of cowboying.

People Southwest. People have made fun of me because I ride side-saddle a lot.

In a gown?

Yeah. That's usually for ladies. I wear an 18th century gown when I do it.

And a courseit. And a courseit. No, that's fine. Get a little breeze. It's fine.

Yeah. I don't mind that at all. Sometimes a breeze is just what I need. Hey, I have a question for you. Do you think I'd be any good as a rider of horses, as a cowboy? Do you think I'd… Be honest, Bryce, we know each other well enough. How do you think I'd do out on the trail?

I think if somebody invited you to go riding, you would show up dressed as Howdy Doody.

Yeah. And you would… Correct. I'd have a bandana and really starched. My jeans would have a crease, my shirt would be real starched, and I'd have a hat that had no dust on it. And it was way too big for my head.

Yeah. And then you would complain about chaffing because everything's so starched. You'd be riding a horse like Robert Downey Jr. In... Oh, goodness, what's that movie? Bad horse rider? Sherlock Holmes. Oh, does he ride- It's sitting there just a horse.

Oh, yes. That's right. He's not a good... Yes, in one of the Sherlock Holmes movies, he's on a horse and he's not good at it. Interesting. I have a problem and Sona has worked for me for a long time, and she can attest to this. I have no flesh at all on my bottom. There's just nothing there. I'm just a pelvis, like a lab skeleton pelvis. So if I was riding a horse, I think I'd be in a lot of pain unless can you put a cushion down? What can you put on the saddle and not be made fun of?

Nothing. If you put something on there, you will get made fun of. Men and women, everyone.

What if no one could see it? What if I just coated it with a thick gel, a clear gel that was cushiony and also had certain medicinal properties, maybe numbing the nerves of the ass so that I didn't-.

Couldn't you pad inside your pants so you have a big old booty, but it's real soft.

Yes, stuff your pants.

Well, I do that, but you mean in the back? Yeah. Okay, so, Bryce, just move it to the back.

Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, just take what's in the front and put it in.

The back. Yeah.

Okay. And then there's just a huge concave space in the front.

Oh, that's real funny. That's real funny.

Just.

Move the old zucchini to the back. So, Bryce, I think I'd do okay. I'm pretty adaptable and I think I'd be a good cowboy. I know that, yes, would my ass get sore? It would. But I'm a lot of fun out on the trail. I think I'd have good stories around the campfire at night. Is there a campfire at night?

Absolutely. There's campfire and coffee. Regardless if you stop at midnight, you're making a pot of coffee.

Well, I can't do that. I'll be up all night. Do you guys ever make decaf?

Cowboys don't drink decaf. Yeah, no. We literally pour grounds into a pot of boiling water and then.

Drink it. Okay, I'm going to bring with me a machine that's rather large that decaffinates the coffee. It's an $8,000 Swiss machine, and that's going to have to be pulled by six horses.

I hope that's okay. You could get killed so fast if you were a cowboy.

No, I mean, probably.

I think you'd be left behind.

Yes.

Hey, but what if the other cowboys start to go, I like this decaff, coffee. Let's keep this Conan guy and his Swiss machine around.

Have you seen a cowboy in line at Starbucks with their horse outside? I don't think they're going to really be drinking coffee. Right.

You guys are... Yeah. I don't think so either. I have a lot of admiration for cowboys and… Well, cow folk in general. I do. It's part of the great American dream. Nothing looks cooler than being on a horse, I think. Yeah. No, and pulling up somewhere, clapping up and then just jumping off the horse and tying it up to a post and going inside and having a shot of whiskey. That's something I grew up watching all the time on television and it never happened.

Well, Bryce actually has a really good question for you regarding this. Bryce, do you.

Want to ask your question? Yeah, ask my question, Bryce.

Yeah. What would your nickname be? What would your cowboy nickname be on the trail?

Wow. Let's see. Sharpass. Oh, old sharpass. He's got an ass like a meat cleaver. Just bone. You can slice ham on that guy's ass. You wouldn't want to, but you could. Yeah, old sharpass they'd call me. Here comes sharpass. Hey, Sharpass, what's up? Oh, not much. I was just here with my $8,000 machine, decaffinating these beans. What's up with you guys?

What do you think? Pretty sure they come decaffinated. Yeah.

Yeah.

What? The machine decaffinates the beans?

Yeah, it's a very expensive machine.

I think you just have a pile of beans.

You could just bring decaff beans.

I already bought this machine. Oh, man.

You got to.

Return it. No, I can't because I had the wheels that were on it taken off and ones that were appropriate for the trail put on. I was anticipating this conversation.

This is such a bad idea.

Yeah, it's got shock absorbers. It's got a little cow catcher.

Oh, you sproosed it up, too?

I sproosed it up. It's got an incredible suspension. I've put over $35,000 into this $8,000 machine. Oh, my God.

Conan, that's so unnecessary.

Jeez. Well, sharp ass to you. Okay. Bryce, I think that I'd be a pretty good cow boy. And I'd like it. I would really like it. I would love to go out on a ride. I really would. What's the longest ride you guys go out for?

The longest ride I've been on was 11 days and over probably around 120-150 miles.

Wow! That is so cool. Do you think we could arrange it so we're near a Four Seasons hotel? Oh, man. No, but you know.

What I mean? That's what we're trying to avoid, but we could probably-Who's going to care if I-go circles around the block.

Yeah, what I'm saying is we ride, but then I disappear for, I don't know, 15, 18 hours at a time, and I come back and you smell massage oil, and I've had an incredible cob salad. Just incredible.

Yeah, I guess we could figure that out, or you could just have the four seasons of being outside.

And dealing with the four. There you go.

Yeah, sharp ass. Okay, I don't know. I don't know, Bryce. There's a certain way I like things. I like to be able to just pick up the phone and order the food and it comes.

I guess that's part of real life. I mean, you could bring Sona and Matt with you and then they could just take care of you.

Hold on there, Bryce. Look, I was interested until you said that. It sounded fun.

But I.

Don't want to cater to old Sharpass here. Yeah, we'll.

Be with you guys. Then when he leaves, we give everyone the signal and we just keep going. And that way he'll.

Never find us. Just so you know, Sona was my assistant for 15 years and didn't take care of me then. So why would she on the trail? That's not going to happen.

That's true.

An assistant. So then that assistant would do things.

Yeah. Well, his name is David Hopping, and he does do things. Yeah, incredible.

Oh, sorry. I taught him everything he knows.

I don't think so. I don't know.

I don't think it was an argument. What horse would you put Conan on? Like a spirited one, a tame one?

A stallion? It absolutely have to be a 4-H horse, like a little kid's horse. Yes. It'd have to be something that wouldn't blow up or anything.

It'd be like Schwarzenegger's little miniature pony, Schnelly.

I want one where your knees are all the way up to.

Your face. I want one where you have to put quarters in. It gently rocks me.

Everybody.

Froze. We can still hear you. Yeah, we can still hear you, Bryce. Don't worry about freezing. Sometimes it just looks like you're really thinking about stuff. Well, I don't care what you say, Bryce. I think I would make an incredible cow boy or cow girl or just cow folk. Why do we have to get into the gender of it all?

You'd be a cow dandy.

A cow dandy. A cow fop. Yes. I'm a cow fop.

A cow popin' jay. Thank you.

Very much, Bryce. Very nice meeting you. And onward and upward. Thanks, Bryce.

Conan O'Brien needs a friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonia Mofessian, and Matt Gordley. Produced by me, Matt Gordley. Executive produced by Adam Sachs, nick Leau, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Year Wolf.theme song by The White Stripes. Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

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